#but ive told them many times that it genuinely upsets me when this happens

[despite-everything]

it can be so fucking hard to be close to people who have very different understandings of time and respect than you.

[jelly-of-many-ships]

Intersting experience in math class:

I was doing some work while listening to the good omens soundtrack because it helps me focus and I love remembering which scene each track is from. Anyway, David Arnold (the composer) also composed most of the music for BBC Sherlock, which I don’t think too many people know (He’s amazing and I love literally everything he makes). And so when I finished the good omens album it started playing other music by the artist, which in this case, happened to be the BBC Sherlock intro.

I have not heard that song in almost a year in a half. BBC Sherlock was like a canon event for me, it was the first real fandom I joined and it introduced me to tumblr, fanfiction, and literally every concept associated with fandoms. Most pieces media Ive consumed, and definitely every fandom i’ve joined since then has been in some way because of tumblr, or other fandom spaces. Even good omens, which I am currently hyperfixating on to a frankly concerning extent, I was only introduced to via the domino effect of BBC Sherlock.

Why is this important? idk...backstory I guess? whatever, anyways, after awhile a fell more and more out of interest with Sherlock, and while I’d definitely still consider myself in the fandom, I’m just not really that into it anymore, especially since the rest of the fandom isn’t very active either. The year when my interest was the strongest was a very interesting time. I was really insecure and not very happy, but I had some amazing people in my life who I really miss. These two things, I think, are possibly the worst combination to have in terms of nostalgia, and I find that experiencing things that remind me of this period feels very strange. For example I physically cannot listen to some of the songs I added to my playlist around this time without getting really emotional, but I refuse to delete them because they really do feel like a part of me. From time to time I do remember the bad things and maybe feel a bit upset, and yet if I could go back, I know I would, just to remember what it was like to experience it all.

I don’t think I could ever fully explain it but BBC Sherlock genuinely felt like opening a very weird portal, and so when in the middle of math class, immediately after listening to the good omens track “the end?” and vividly imagining the end credit scene of season two, the Sherlock intro started playing, I felt such a strange mix of awe and nostalgia that I almost started crying. It sounds pretty stupid typing this up, but it was such a unique experience, and I don’t think I can really explain it. Good Omens is the only thing I’ve been even somewhat interested in to the extend of Sherlock, and after listening to possibly the most depressing song of the entire show, to have such a sharp reminder of who I used to be blast full volume into my head felt like diving headfirst into cold water. It really does sound stupid, but in that exact moment I remembered everything; the evening I heard that song for the first time, staying up for hours scrolling through pinterest and discovering the fandom, the first day I told my friends about it, the day i read my first fanfic, the day I was so convinced they were gay I accidentally discovered shipping (lol), the night I finished season 4, alone, at 2am, the day I joined tumblr, the week I learned how to play “the game is on” on piano, and the lunch period I wrote my first fic after daydreaming about it for weeks.

These things probably seem pretty mundane, but this was like a new world to me. They represent more than just discovering I new interest though. They’re some of the only memories I have of that time. I cut my hair, I realized I was queer, and for the first time in my entire life I had an actual friendgroup, one that I still care about so much. Life was, at the same time horrible, yet the best it had ever been, and I didn’t even know it. When I really think about It, I realize in actuality how little time has really passed, but everything feels so different. I think to myself that there’s no way that person was me, that the kid who had so much energy and enthusiasm for life, poetry and writing and had yet never felt so insecure couldn’t have possibly turned into the burnt out, powerless person I feel I am today.

At least I’m not so insecure anymore? I’m not so sure what to say. All I know, is I think that moment in math class made me realize how much I’ve grown, how much I appreciate those experience I got to have, and how much that song will always mean to me.

[rianafying]

this is not necessarily a happy journal entry but

i’ve had a lot of happy moments lately. and relief. also chaos but that’s nothing unusual, the happiness is. noticed something that made me upset just now. also opened bumble god knows why. i know fully well i don’t want to date, and yet, i opened bumble. it’s not like i have time to kill. in fact, i have no time. there’s so much stuff i’m meant to be doing. i just added a whole bunch of stuff to my master to do list. here comes the hyperventilation. i prayed the other day. i felt so bad that i prayed. can yall imagine how much anxiety it takes to get to a point where i genuinely broke down enough to beg god for help? but it means something. it means i have hope. it means i want things to get better. it means i feel it’s worth it. this is a start contrast to my indifference and disinterest in living last year. things are different now. i am different. nothing changes. everything changes. it feels like a cycle but also there’s something new about it. everytime i regain my will to life. you can’t force these things. it has a mind of its own. also going back to bumble, it’s such a waste of time for me and also it makes me feel a few things: 1) like dating is so strange, i don’t have it in me to do the whole ritual, it’s not organic, it feels forced, and superficial, it’s not for me, not for who i am right now. 2) it makes me think about aspects of myself that i have struggled a lot to make peace with, such as my appearance, my personality etc through the lens of others, like why would i ever subject myself to such torment, when i know i hate being perceived 3) i am too impatient and disinterested to send the first message or to wait for a response and then to carry on a conversation. there’s more points but ill just keep rambling for eternity. why am i even saying all this, why am i thinking so much about it, clearly this has struck something in me, since i feel so strongly about it and am desperately trying to make sense of it. the thing is. i like who i am. i like how things are going. that is not something i can say like ever. but can now. and i’m doing fine. and i do have the time. to be silly. to waste some. i don’t actually have to do the things, i just want to do them. and a break is never long enough to do everything i ever wanted to do. instead i’ll focus on the progress i’ve made, which is anything but little. i should be and i am extremely proud of myself. oh funny thing happened the other day, i accidentally splashed boiling water onto my face and chest when trying to break a bone in my stockpot. and i gave myself a pretty nasty burn that covers more than half my face. the left side. my left. your right. the side with the mole. anyway, so i dealt with it, i’ve been told to avoid exposing my face to the sun or heat in general. so ive been eating a lot of cold foods. and coincidentally watching that episode on gilmore girls where the dragonfly inn catches fire, and sookie can’t use the stoves until the insurance company pays for the contractor to fix them and she lists cold foods, all types of salads and carpaccios. i don’t eat raw meat/fish and i’m over my salad craze. i’m craving a hot roast chicken sandwich with cold tomatoes and zesty mayo on toasted brioche buns. the way i make it. i’m rlly hungry. and there is this lingering melancholy that just grows if i don’t address it every now and then.

for someone who is absolutely terrible at writing, i sure do write a lot. and this is technically writing. right?

even though things are better, i’m not yet okay. my mind still spins too fast. nothing sticks. i’m in distress because my friends are distress. how can we actually be happy if the ones we love are not. so many people so many attachments. it’s been a while since i’ve even had the mental capacity to care for others. i’m hungry as fuck. something is off, something feels bad. is it my hunger. is it my messed up sleep schedule. is it my perpetually cluttered room. is it the pressure of expectations. is it my godawful health, mental or physical. is it eternal.

i can’t fix everything. i can’t fix anything really. i can’t fix things at a rate fast enough to keep up with the pace of destruction. in this life there is too much to fight against. but also too much to fight for. at least i can take solace in the fact that it ends. which is not so much a fact to me as it is a hope. god forbid the heavens exist. i couldn’t take another minute of being, after i have been so relentlessly my whole life. i’m hungry. i’m scared. i’m hopeful. i’m apprehensive. always anticipating danger but never quite ready for it. nothing is ever right enough. except when i find a bit of poetry that changes the fabric of my being. maybe i just need to be receptive in case some poetry finds its way to little old me.

[astrariem]

🙃 soo ive been removed from projects at my job and gave it to an Ai because they considered me too slow at my job 🙃 at drawing original illustrations 🙃 the longest i ever got to work on one was four days 🙃🙃🙃

so i work at a very established agency as a full time illustrator and i’ve been working on their internal project which is this massive festival that is happening in a few months.

And they’ve always had a problem with staff shortage and it has been so awful that my coworkers and i’ve been working until midnight for a month bc of the deadlines

So anyway now they get upset with me if i take even two days to work on an illustration

And they decided to remove me from the project and outsource to a guy who uses Ai to make their posts. I don’t even know how much they’re paying this guy just for him to use ai for their social media posts and billboards

When i first saw it I immediately warned them about the copyright issues the company could face and they had a small internal meeting w out me before deciding to go with it anyway.

I’ve seen so many posts online about people being worried about ai on illustrators livelihoods and i genuinely did not think this day would come for me and it already has

So i’ve just been in disbelief. And I can’t believe i’m working at a place that has decided to stoop so low as to use ai after i grinded for weeks to give them original illustrations.

Before i could even ask for a meeting my bosses came and told me that i worked too slow and they didn’t need everything to be perfect 🙃

So ya i legit lost my real life job to an ai and im…idk how to even process this.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

[TW: Manipulation, Bullying(?), Light Mentions of Physical Abuse, and possibly more, i genuinely dont know how to tw this sorry]

Hi, call me Shadow. Im looking for some advice on how to move on from the situation below, some reassurance, or atleast someone to listen to me without judgment. Sorry for any grammer/spelling mistakes

They're alot of parentheses, extra notes, and run on sentences so apologizes for length

About 6ish month ago, i cut off a very toxic friend. Said friend, lets call them A, would offen make fun of and tease everyone in our friend group 'to show love' and such. Which is fine, some people are okay with that but personally im not as ive dealt with many toxic friends who've hurt me by using that as a cover up.

A was an irl friend of three people in our group's server that was invited on really late, i was pretty guarded and afraid around them for awhile, both because of a new person and because i had a feeling some was off with them. I ignored it, thinking i was just being overprotective and overthinking things again. After a few months things settled and it seem they fit in almost perfectly, till suddenly their jokes started getting really targeted and mean.

They started targeted me and one of my partners, constantly making cruel 'jokes' about us, everything from "if you're on [name]/[name]'s team [insert bad thing] will happen to you" to jokes that were just insults played off as jokes. I tried multiple times to ask them to stop but they played the "its just a joke" everytime

It got the point they started holding my reactions over me, and even purposely making me upset to have something to use against me. The main incident i remember is them pretending to be mad at me while i was rambling and spent atleast 10mins pretending to type to make me anxious (they later admitted this to one of my friends who then told me), and when they finally sent their message which ended up being a joke related to what i was rambling, i in my moment of vulnerability due to rambling (rambling for me is like exposing my soul) and them scarring me, i accidentally admitted i was afraid i was gonna be yelled at

They then took to posting what i said in our quotes channel for everyone to see after i deleted my message. They refused to delete the message and even started deleting mine in response (they were a mod on our server), it took owner stepping in to fix this

A started using their mod powers to delete both of my partners' messages when they started speaking out against all three of our treatment. They also deleted our messages unrelated to that, making us look terrible in pass conversations.

When me i finally snapped and ledt the server, moving to another server hosted by a different friend that 90% of us were also one, they started messaging me for answers and to "apologize" aka blame me for what happened. They were nice and reasonable at first, but then they started pressuring me into in their words "cursing them out", which i unfortunately gave into.

A used it as an excuse to blame me for everything, blame me for never speaking up despite me constantly trying and being met with "its just a joke bro" they tried lying me about them using tone tags despite that fact they never used them. I blocked them quickly after that, seeing what they were doing but barely a day after they tried talking to one of my partners about it.

In the message A sent they tried to place all the blame on my other partner, saying that they deserve everything that happened. They said i shouldnt be absolutely pissed at them about what happened to my partner, what they (A) put them through. To say that was the final straw is an understatement.

A destroyed me and my partner's self worth and confidence, has made us even months later second guess our every word and even our friends. Afraid their gonna turn against and treat us like A did. A made me question my own judgment and stuff with their lies. They tried placing blame on me for unrelated things, they tried to ruin my image. And as we later found out A physical hurt one of the three people in our group they knew irl, often.

Im still constantly afraid of A finding their way back to the new server even tho they're blocked, ive had ex friends stalk me to almost creepshowart levels and i wouldn't put it past them to do that. Most of the process i made with my friends to open up and be myself more destroyed. I fear people talking behind my back again, cuz apparently A tried starting a secret server with my friends who were aware of what happened due to exams to trash talk me, which failed but still.

I still feel terrible about all this, i didnt speak out when A originally started trash talking my partner out of fear, now i feel bad for causing my friends to basically lose our originally server because of this. The guilt eats at me even tho i know this was the best choice for everyone

Tldr/summary cuz its long

An ex friend of mine would constantly bully me and one of my partners and when we finally stand up for ourselves they tried manipulating us and our other friends into making them the good guy and us the bad guys. Even going as far as trying to fake evidence (which ive learn as of writing this)

Even months after im still suffering the effects of everything and i dont know how to try moving on. I am trying to seek therapy again but the health system here is terrible and expensive, so im trying to possibly find ways to help myself while waiting

Hi Shadow,

I'm so sorry to hear about the toxic friendship you had. The way your friend treated you and your partner was completely unacceptable. Their behavior of making mean-spirited jokes, targeting and insulting both of you, and dismissing your requests to stop is not a sign of love or friendship. It's important to remember that you deserve respect, kindness, and support in your relationships.

It seems like A used their position as a mod to further their harmful actions. Deleting messages, manipulating situations, and attempting to shift blame are clear signs of their toxic behavior. It's unfortunate that they tried to undermine your self-worth and confidence, as well as create divisions among your friends. This kind of treatment can have lasting effects, but it's essential to recognize that their behavior is a reflection of their own issues and not a reflection of your worth.

Please know that healing is a gradual process, and it's okay to give yourself time and space to heal at your own pace. It's understandable to have moments of doubt or fear, but try to remind yourself that you have taken positive steps by cutting off a toxic relationship. You deserve peace and happiness in your life.

I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[bonesandthebees]

[“What? It wasn’t a lie,” Ranboo said, shaking his head. “Yeah, sure, Techno told me to become friends with you two so I could tell him things you might not wanna say to him or Phil, but I did it because I was trying to help you!”] either Aimsey only heard this part of the conversation, or learning Ranboo was told to befriend Tommy and Wilbur sent them over the edge. Maybe the fact that Ranboo admits it too.

Anyway, they are also all of us in this moment, and they are pissed. Because if that happened with Wilbur and Tommy, what if it happened with them too? Then Aimsey has about the exact same breakdown Tommy had. Going through the motions of “I defended Ranboo to Wilbur when he was right” and “I have told Ranboo so much info he should not have been trusted with”, but most importantly “was any of our friendship even real?” I’ll get back to that bit when talking about Ranboo himself.

Aimsey jumps on the bandwagon of forcing the truth out of Ranboo immediately. Because that’s the easiest way to find out if Ranboo screwed them over too. And he did, once and what that one thing was does determine how bad it was. I’m not sure if that matters to them or not, because Aimsey is pissed and it’s a betrayal either way. Knowing what it was will reveal if and how bad the damage was.

But most importantly, a lot of Wilbur and Tommy’s behaviour suddenly makes sense. And Aimsey is a Flosuim politician. That’s their field, that’d what’s important to them. So they would not know the true threat Essempi poses to the princes or how close that threat is. And even if they did, all logic is being overridden by anger. So they let the brothers go, getting info is more important. And they do care, so if the brothers don’t feel safe here, and Aimsey can see why, they should get to leave.

(2/3)

-🎄

aimsey mostly just heard that last bit. they didn't follow wilbur at first after their encounter. they kind of paced back and forth in the halls for a bit trying to decide what to do. they definitely considered doing what he asked and going back to their room. but then their curiosity got the better of them, so they tried to figure out where he went. they knew that ranboo had been heading back to his room so they wondered if wilbur and/or tommy was meeting up with him, hence why they headed in that direction. ranboo's room also happens to be close to the train platform, so they heard the voices coming from there and walked up just to hear that

poor aimsey had to speedrun the betrayal in such a short timespan while there is literally so much other stuff going on around them lmao. but they were pissed because they defended ranboo so many times, and they were genuinely upset at wilbur for being so hostile to him. but in the end, they're the fool, and their best friend on zephys iv lied to their face. they're not thrilled.

yeah fun fact aimsey had no idea wilbur and tommy could use their Voices, so they were internally reeling over that but decided to just deal with that surprise later and focus on getting answers out of ranboo while they can lmao. and sure enough, ranboo betrayed them.

keep in mind also, aimsey has talked a lot about being ignored by the other floslium ambassadors. they're not included in a lot of the larger conversations about what's happening in the galaxy. their role is limited, and so is the information they get. so that's why they don't know about how real the Essempi threat is (tbh, no one outside the military + phil and techno knew that Essempi ships had surveillance on the planet. that was classified info so as not to induce a panic).

and yeah, above all, aimsey is their friend. so even though leaving sounds like a bad idea, they're more focused on their own betrayal and how hurt their friends must be, so they let them go

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

me after another episode (multiple meanings)

yes, another "keep reading" this is gonna be fun

guys :"0 I got cooked by my own stupidity (malnutrition, dehydration, inconsistent sleep schedule, adhd, bpd, lack of self awareness, lack of discipline, not doing breathing exercises when upset, trauma, broken phone I didn't have money to pick up today, stupid university applications I still need to do, red40 from last night and undiagnosed autism) again, look it me the fried.

dude I was not having it man. Idk if it was the red40 again or im just a genuinely horrible person. I must hate people, I must not give a single shit about anyones feelings, im super selfish and I only care about my own useless opinions and feelings.

I literally do property damage. I littered today. I am just the worst person. and yet I am not "that guy". how can I be this shitty of a person and not be "that guy" but noOoOo if I even TRY to be violent he threatens me with the police. (I unbuckled and opened the passenger side door to see if I could just die while he was driving and slapped him multiple times at a later point not while he was driving)

I screamed so much guys it hurts I don't want to be alive. this next story was from a month or two ago already but yeah basically one day I decided to steal my potential mother's in law alcohol and now she's hiding it from me :}}}}

I am so happy with myself! look at what a trustworthy and safe and loving person I am with her son! wow what a great way to introduce myself to this new family that welcomed me wow (she even took me to a pride parade when my bf couldn't because of work. they've both taken me at least once by now)

wow and I told his catholic grandma that I hope god sends me to hell (she wouldn't stop talking) (yes im a bad person for that, that's the whole point of this post, to talk about what a shitty and fake and ungrateful piece of shit I am) (im looking for excuses to throw myself away because I cant take it anymore) (its either live a life of isolation or live a life of constantly making mistakes and "learning" and disappointing everyone in my life and constantly hearing shit from other people about how I don't clean up enough or how violent I am) (id rather die alone) (but im too much of a coward to break up) (wow I cant believe my selfish incompetent ass could ever want kids) (how sadistic could you possibly have to be to look at my miserable useless genetics and think I should have offspring) (its so delusional to even think for a second I was ever capable of a happy and normal marriage or life) (I will never be a good mother) (I will never be anything to anyone except another mouth to feed and a danger) (if my only two options is complete isolation or learning by listening to other people criticize my actions (which I inevitably think is my character) without getting violent, then I would rather be in complete isolation) (well I want to choose complete isolation) (but im a fucking coward and im addicted to substances so I don't want to leave yet) (im such a horrible piece of shit) (yes im making my mindset as shitty as possible just like he says I always do on purpose) (idk either, I don't know why I do that but I think its a subconscious coping mechanism that worked at some point in my life (I think I realized early on that if I just overwhelm myself to a crazy amount, I won't be physically be able to think anymore, and then I don't have to process the yelling) (I think that might be what happened and why I always instantly try to make my problems as bad as possible so I don't have to think about them because ive already lived out the worst possible scenario by the time im too tired to process anything else)

e

the world is evolving too fast for primitive humans like me. I can barely start researching EVEN TOPICS I AM INTERESTED IN and I cant stick on the screen for more than 30 seconds before I have to close the laptop and there's too many things

I don't even answer my messages, not here, not on snap, not text, not email, not anything, not reddit or anything I just don't interact. I don't even go to Omegle because I cant find the "right time"

its such a stupid fucking lie the "right time"

I don't even talk to many people on pony town. im so fucking sad, like talking to people was my thing

and I always say I am gonna shut up and I never actually shut up because I forget, I hate my voice so much rn I cannot just shut up, im sure everyone that knows me wants me to just kill myself so (I was distracted by a conversation irl here)

I mean yeah idk

its just survival of the fittest at this point, it is just faulty systems dying out and making way for stronger organisms. (this isn't about poverty or classism, fuck all that)

I don't think realistically anyone is cool enough to picture my head on a platter, and I don't think even more realistically that anyone actually wants me to straight up die. I could be wrong tho. maybe some day I'll pull someone's last little straw, and my food will finally be poisoned and I can just die! :)

he almost finally broke up, but he took it back like a fucking retard. I hate love so much, it's all a lie. "love" is really just a retarded coping mechanism where these people cant live without each other, but trying to understand each other is fucking hell, and either way, both parties are fucking miserable.

I have so much privilege and im wasting it all

my life is so nice and I am ruining and wasting every second. I could be so happy right now and I am throwing it all away because the world and myself make me believe I am a useless piece of shit, and the sooner I throw myself away, the sooner these people can heal and move on with their lives.

JUST SAY IT SAY IM SELFISH

SAY IM A FUCKING SELFISH PUSSY

IM A SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT

I WILL NEVER SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH

have some fun gifs

11 year old me doing my 30 math questions and daydreaming about being a Pokemon character for 7 hours after another screaming match while my younger brother finishes his homework faster and plays video games all day (oooooh that's what happened...)

:))))))) help me help me im about to die but not really because I was never brave enough to finally go

I need to go

I ne hhhhhh what's the point of this. im just talking to myself again like I always have. I didn't even drink water today. really? just the red40 and more discipline IS THIS WHY IM SO SHITTY

I have so much privilege and things to be thankful for and people in my life who should've thrown me away a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago, but they still sticking around anyway because they're all FUCKING RETARDED

this kind of mindset is why grape culture is still a problem (for those confused, im afraid im not referring to actual grapes. I wish from the bottom of my heart I was), because it's always the victim's fault for staying with the abuser. but now no one cares except the boy's family because he's a boy and is less likely to get [hysically hurt. I've already lost his trust tho. I guess that's what makes me even more not want to try, ive already ruined it. im still here in denial I guess. I lie to myself, "oh maybe sensory overload wont be that big of an issue if we have kids" "ill become more mature by then" "I can just discipline myself"

I had three fucking years. to just do my fucking breathing exercise any time im upset. and I cant even do that. I don't think I should be a part of society because no one will benefit from me. does this mindset also endanger other disabled people? yes it does. does this make me a bad person that doesn't care about other people? yes it does. I realized nature is so perfect because disabled individuals DIE.

I wasn't potty trained until 4, and I read somewhere that people who have anger issues tended to be potty trained later in life. so I guess im a shithead. I also had pneumonia when I was 3. I should've been dead.

don't worry about me I am very unlikely to die. im really just writing out my negative thoughts so I can stop thinking about them because I know I can just go back and look at this later.

I was tripping so many balls and I screamed so so loud out the CAR WINDOW....

there is no career for me besides the circus. except im not even funny, im just weird and annoying and violent. he's going to lose his job because of me. they're gonna pay more money to the apartment complex because I keep slamming the doors and breaking shit. I break so much shit I need to die. fbi please assassinate me at this point, I am literally only going to cause damage if I am kept alive. I should not have children. passing my genes down would be a crime. no human should live with such a poor miserable mind. im not doing that to my kids. I couldnt hope to ever apologize enough if I have a kid and they suffer the same way I did.

I have every blessing in the world and I somehow manage to be the most miserable scumbag piece of shit abusive person

he says he hates himself and he could not possibly hate himself more than I hate myself

idk what im even saying. I think my episode is almost done, but man the red40 is weird. im kinda at the point where im too tired to be angry and now im just kinda really tired and lightheaded and I cant pay attention anymore. my arms are weaker fingers cold.

I guess it was the red40 because I was doing alright but then I ate that last night. I also had another huge episode about a week ago (I broke up and also told his mom im breaking up) (yes and then I took it back after eating protein) (how am I still alive, you ask???) (please tell me idk either) ( my stress tolerance must be WILD) (im lowkey waiting for a random obsessive person to figure out the lore and say something mysterious or something idk I hate it when im in a rush and something is too mysterious and then I cant figure it out and it angers my poor fragile little ego) (yes im one of those people that give up on learning if im not good at it within 3 tries)

I suck at cleaning up after myself (I didn't clean the stove after cooking) and I forgot to mention I mopped the floors (there was grease on the floor and I didn't clean it when it was a puddle and it spread so I mopped the floor) but it's not useful to mop the floors apparently. just not as important as the stove because more stuff is on there. and the mop fuck I just feel so unappreciated but I also am aware that it makes sense that the stove is more urgent. I just keep putting my effort in the wrong places.

my movements are not steady I should drink water and eat something for the first time today

wait I had at least two dreams where I was screaming really loud but I couldnt hear myself what do those mean?

idk man I get torn between self pity and shame. its always one extreme or the other. its either "oh my god im so sad look at how sad it was omg why are people so insensitive when im obviously struggling?" or "omfg I cant stand

"you don't care enough to solve a problem, you only care enough to cause a problem" - my loving boyfriend whose family probably cant fucking stand me and is probably praying day and night for something to happen to me so I can finally be out of their lives

this is what I get for talking about my feelings. this is what I get. and he says im not paying attention to the context. maybe I am. maybe the devil is smiling as he separates us, a supposedly perfect couple.

I need to clone myself so I can fuck but also so I can kill myself and mutilate my dead body and wear my skin over my face and squeeze the blood from my heart into a basin of soju so I can take a bath in it and drink it all. i would also investigate the lungs if I remember to smoke with the clone before I kill it. dude smoking with my clone would be so cool but it would also make killing myself a little more sad

I think part of my problem is that one of my trauma responses is

Mind: oh man there's a lot of loud noise and hostile energy going around, and negotiating is not making it stop, what do we do? Mind: hmmmm how about we also get extremely loud and wear ourselves out so we physically can't process or do anything for the next 5 hours? Mind: wait excuse me what?

I wanna live in a little wood box alone in some forest for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be happy but id certainly be more comfortable. no person to please, no expectation from any human or animal, no task or thing I have to work on. just me, my delusions, and my little box. occasionally I will go and get food and water and that's it. I don't ever want to interact with anything again. I'll just die one day in the forest

which is what I would say if I wasn't a fucking pussy. im too scared to leave the people in my life and I love my mother too much. maybe I'll run away forever after my parents pass away. and I can be happy with my mom again. like I always wanted.

stay safe baby birds much love <3

and remember!

There's no such thing as the "right time".

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

gonna respond to this since I was going to reference it anyway. I ended up asking for a bew therapist. I was talking to a friend afterwards, still upset about this a week later and my friend brought up some points.

1). I was asking for help with a specific thing. I was freaking out, I got the audition email an hour before my appointment, and I was genuinely in flight mode. She told me that I was prepared and changed the subject.

I tried to redirect back, bc while my issue with my dad are ongoing they are not currently happening. I tried to explain that being prepared doesn't mean as much as you'd think, auditions are subjective, I'm 39 and fat that could bump me out alone, they don't like the song or the original artist, they dont like my hair. An ensemble program could skip me for a lot of reasons. she changed the subject again.

2. She was a one trick pony. Mindfullness and CBT are great but most techniques within them do not vibe with my brand of ADHD, I appreciate that she tried to learn about adhd but the effort was minimal. "what if you turn off all the distractions and clear your mind" I will have a panic attack, I need the noise bc my mind is never clear and never quiet. she wanted me to introspectively journal, and ive tried this before, i told her i embellish too much on my own can I get a bullet format, that its hard to get past my ego/pride, nothing. recently guided meditation.

4). I know she was trying to reframe how i think of my chronic illness issues but it felt dismissive, I tried to adress it a few times, that when i do things despite i dont feel strong or accepting i feel defeated and like i have no choice. I have to do it regardless.

5) Im lucky to have my best friend. dshe ssid this a lot. ewan pointed out that this is really off. we both put a lot of effort into our relationship, and me being lucky implies that it's not mutually beneficial. there was a lot more to this discussion but in the end she says it every time i bring them up.

6) dating, I'm grey ace/aro, I have said so many times that I am just not interested in it, I dont want or need it, relationships gave historically just happened to me. the tipping point suggesting that i will 'meet someone' in school. as if i am not going to be 39 in a performance based program like please

it was hard bc overall, she was easy to talk to, and I had to evaluate if i was just resisting her treatments out of stubbornness but it just wasn't a good fit

most of the time i leave therapy feeling better but today I did not, sometimes I feel like CBT is just too abstract for my ADHD when I'm overwhelmed. Like there's no carrot on a stick? my therapist wants me to try guided meditation but I think that will make me more anxious. I will try it tho.

It's a rough week, my Dad is still home, I have so many appointments, my period started, I have to record my audition, I'm adjusting meds, I had to book knee xrays (ya boi is hypermobile and looking at surgery to avoid knee replacements), I have my class (teaching) starting next week that i need to prep for, and I'm volunteering Sunday at a friends art collective for the first time.

And I dunno I'm like, so I cannot have downtime that I cannot justify with like visible progress (i beat a video game level, I filled a page with doodles, i read 12000 words, i cant just watch TV) and i feel like mediation and going to bed early will not be applicable tools for that

[l-egionaire]

This is something made from a chat between me and @ordinaryschmuck.

Just imagine Vee attending Luz's human school and on her first day, she notices how everyone either avoids her on sight or mocks her. Whenever she tries to talk to people they scoff just call her a freak. Then she runs into one of Luz's old bullied who makes fun of her and even tries to take the hexes-hold um cards she had on hand. Vee is so scared and panicked that she punches the bully hard, but she's the one who gets in trouble because the teachers don't believe her due to Luz's bad reputation and the bully pretending to be innocent

Bully: Come on Noceda, We've been doing this since 4th grade. You should know how this works by now.

Of course, unlike Luz, Vee tells Camila and when she hears about all of this, she knows she has to have a talk with Luz.

Assume that this take place in an AU where Luz is domehow able to contact the Human World using titans blood and a pair of mirrors)

So, the next time Luz contacts home, her friends standing off to the side as she speaks with her mom Camila reveals what Vee had told her about what the kids at school did.

Luz has no choice but to admit that those kids had indeed been bullying her for years and they even made sure that the other kids all ignored her or thought she was a weirdo by spreading terrible rumors about her.

And Camila ends up asking the obvious question: Why had Luz never told her about this?

Luz admits that she saw how long and hard Camila worked and didn't want to burden her with her problems after she already made her deal with so many issues due to her getting into trouble. She also, tearfully, admits there was another reason.

Luz: Whenever I tried to tell a teacher or someone else they....they never believed me. They always took the bullies side. I was just scared that... maybe you wouldn't believe me either. That you would take their side too.

Camila: Mija, I would always take your side

Luz: Then why did you send me to summer camp?

Camila falters.

Camila: Because...Because you kept doing such reckless things! The snakes, and, and the fireworks-!

Luz: I DID THOSE THINGS BECAUSE I WANTED SOMEONE TO NOTICE ME! I just..wanted one person to look at me and not just ignore me or call me a freak. 😪

Luz finally breaks down and admits she doesnt want to go back to Earth to have to face that.

Luz: "Here I have friends and an awesome girlfriend and...and people who care about me besides just you! Mom, I'm sorry. I love you, but I don't want to go back to being that weirdo freak who no one wants to be around! I...I can't go back to being alone."

Camila: But you're not alone. You have me!

Luz: And that's not always enough!

Camila looked at her in shock.

Luz: You're gone so much at work. And, even then, you're the only one who actually cares about me! If I vanished or something happened to me, no one else would care!

Luz begins crying heavily, her whole body shaking with her sobs.

Luz: I just wanted to be able to get someone else to care about me and, and LOVE me. Like you did. But...but I never could. And after a while I started thinking maybe...maybe I just wasn't someone other people could love.

A tear drops from Camila's eye. She wanted nothing more to hold her daughter and help her but she was stuck, both on the other side of the mirror and an entire world away. Hearing Luz say things like that-that no one else cared about her, that she might not be someone that could be loved- shattered her heart into pieces.

But then, Amity comes over and hugs Luz from behind.

Amity: I love you.

Then Willow comes over and hugs her.

Willow: I love you too.

Then Gus.

Gus: Me too.

Next Eda comes and holds her.

Eda: Don't even think for a second I don't too kid.

King hops onto Luz's head with tears in his eyes.

King: IVE NEVER LOVED ANYTHING LIKE IVE LOVED YOU!

And seeing Luz crying into her friends arms, as she was finally getting the love and appreciation she'd craved all these years, it finally hit Camilla. How her daughter had felt so alone and unlovable for so long. How she'd failed to notice how much Luz was hurting. How the bright light of her life who's smile always made her feel better was now so sad and crushed, and in pain and it was because she was so ignorant, Camila just...cracks. she falls to the ground and starts brokenly crying, beating herself up inside for not seeing this before it had become such a problem.

Vee put an arm around Camila to comfort her and once Luz sees her mother crying, she immediately feels guilty because she thinks telling her about all of this made her feel bad.

Luz: Mom, I'm sorry! I-i shouldn't have said all that! I shouldn't have told you-!

Camila: NO! Don't you dare say that! I needed to know that! Don't ever apologize or feel upset about how feeli g how you do!

Luz: But...but I made you cry.

Camila: And I made you feel alone. Unloved.

Luz: No. You didn't. Everyone else made me feel like that.. You were the only person that made me feel like I actually mattered.

Luz wipes away her tears and gets a genuine smile on her face.

Luz: Coming home to be with you after being ignored and bullied at school were the best parts of my days. Hanging out with you, and watching movies with you, or going out into the woods with you to play...those were the times when I never felt alone. Mom, you were never why I left. You're the only reason I even think about going back home.

Overwhelmed by their emotions, Luz and Camila stamp themselves against their sides of the mirror and cry into them. The others just watch in silence as they whisper "I love you" and "I'm sorry" and the like to each other. Letting out all their love for each other and soothing the stings of the past caused by lies.

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding AU Part V (SW Time Travel AU #27)

Part I - - - - -  Part II - - - - - Part III - - - - - Part IV 

After a meandering walk through what felt like every path the hanging gardens and marsh pools had to offer, Obi-Wan stopped to lean against a stone wall. 

“Obi-Wan? Are you ready to stop and eat something? As nice as this has been, I’m getting hungry and I’m guessing you are too.” 

Anakin was only being a little sarcastic. It had genuinely been nice to peacefully spend the day with Obi-Wan like this- they hadn’t been to the marsh habitats since the war started. He had resigned himself to watching Obi-Wan enthusiastically greet every wandering knight, master, and elder who they passed. 

It was actually starting to become impressive- Anakin never realized how many members of the Order his Master was friendly with- no wonder he was given a seat on the high council! But after the last heartfelt clasping of hands with a completely unfamiliar Bothan (thankfully for Anakin’s petty jealousy, Obi-Wan wasn’t hugging everyone), Anakin had asked who the knight was.

Obi Wan frowned. “No idea. But I suppose I must have seen him somewhere.” 

Anakin was no longer feeling impressed.

When a group of crechelings wandered by, Obi-Wan appeared briefly overwhelmed with emotion. His shields (apparently even better drunken than sober) didn’t let anything specific slip. But he knew Obi-Wan was feeling something intensely. Bizarrely, instead of saying hello, Obi-Wan hurried out and away with Anakin dragged behind, bringing them back to the stone wall and their skipped breakfast.

“Not yet.” Obi-Wan responded hoarsely. “I want to visit the Room of A Thousand Fountains first, and say a few more goodbyes.”

“Goodbyes?” Anakin asked, a slight chill running down his back. “We’re not shipping back out until the end of the week. Do you always say goodbye to everyone this thoroughly before redeployment?”

“No. Do you think I should have?” Obi-Wan frowned. “I feel like that would have been more upsetting than anything else.”

“Ok then, why are you saying goodbye now? To the whole order?” 

Obi-Wan didn’t reply, he just pushed off the wall to continue on his quest to apparently visit every corner of the temple.

“Master, please, you’re worrying me. If you won’t eat, then let me take you to the Healing Halls so they can check you over for drugs. We can visit the fountains after.”

Obi-Wan finally paused, thinking that over. “I would like to see Bant. She should be there, right?”  

Bant did end up being there, and was more touched than disturbed by Obi-Wan’s sincere joy to see her. While Obi-Wan wandered the halls greeting injured Knights, she ran several tests.

“As far as I can tell, all you had last night was human-appropriate alcohol. No force-user specific drug interactions, and no traces of Spice. It’s possible there’s something I missed, but your force presence doesn’t feel off balance in the manner I specifically associate with drug-induced altered perception. Your blood sugar is a little low and you’re somewhat dehydrated, especially considering you’re in the temple, not out on a mission.”

“I’ll take care of my physical needs after I visit the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Just because a vision isn’t purely induced by the force doesn’t mean I can’t draw meaning from it. I do appreciate how you always looked out for me though, Bant. I’ve missed your fussing.” Obi-Wan smiled, clasping one of her hands in his.

Bant sighed, “If Master Yoda wasn’t off world I’d urge you to talk to him. I haven’t seen you this shaken by a vision since we were younglings. Even if you do seem to be handling it fairly... calmly.” 

Obi-Wan laughed. “I’ll tell him you said that someday. I might be wrong, but I think he’ll be happy to learn about-” Obi-Wan gestured around vaguely, “all this. I’ll talk to him at some point. I’m sure of it.” 

She glanced over at Anakin, who had been a quietly looming shadow the whole visit. He seemed both relieved by the diagnosis as well as bewildered. “Can I speak to you privately?”

Obi-Wan nodded and Anakin stalked out of the test room. 

She scrutinized him, worry more obvious now, “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you slipping tenses this whole time. You’re still not sure where your vision ends and reality begins, are you? Do you even know when you are?”

Obi-Wan looked down. “I know what’s real and what’s not. I’m just...enjoying not fully living in the moment. I have every intention of waking up.”

“Yeah, that’s a BIG red flag, Obi-Wan. Force.” She tilted her head back and forth, examining him with obvious concern. “I am scheduling an appointment for a soul healer and you are going to go, understand?” She demanded.

Obi-Wan agreed far too easily. She reluctantly let him leave with an earnest promise to eat something real.

Obi-Wan came outside to find Anakin pacing. 

“I’m glad you’re still here,” he told his former Padawan, ignoring the ache in his chest.

“Of course Ori’vod,” Anakin said, ducking his head with a shy smile. “What did Bant say?”

“She wants me to eat something real and visit a soul healer.” Obi-Wan sighed. “Well, I can do at least one of those things.”

“A soul healer! She thinks you’re crazy?” Anakin asked offended. 

“First of all, you don’t have to be unstable to visit a soul healer. I’ve seen them in the past, when there wasn’t as much wrong with me. I’m sorry if I led you to believe you couldn’t seek out help for your problems.” Obi-Wan said. Another mistake.

“I-I know that. I just thought, you know, Jedi can be judgmental of that sort of thing. A good Jedi is supposed to be able to just, meditate stuff away.” Anakin said bitterly.

Obi-Wan thought furiously. Was this why he had been so blindsided by Anakin’s fall? Had his padawan been so afraid of judgement that he hid all of the warning sides of his struggles with darkness? Maybe he could ask Owen for some sort of petty assistance when he brought over bantha milk next time, to demonstrate to young Luke that it was ok to ask for help. No, he was probably still too young for those sorts of lessons to have much meaning. The insight would require meditation, when he was more sober. 

Unsure how ‘Anakin’ would respond, Obi-Wan tentatively said, “You’re right, that some Jedi might judge for seeking such aid. But I think in the last years of the war, that sort of opinion became less and less common. After all, an ideal Jedi shouldn’t be leading an army. I don’t know if anyone can be perfect during war, let alone a peacekeeper.”

When that failed to garner positive or negative reply, Obi-Wan let out a breath. “It hardly matters, since I can’t exactly visit a therapist, let alone a soul healer, given my present living conditions.” 

Anakin seemed to process that, giving Obi-Wan a long, searching look. “What’s your next point?”

“Hmm?”

“You said first of all, and I think that was all one thing, so what’s your second point?”

“Not exactly being able to visit a soul healer regularly doesn’t count as a separate retort?”

“I guess? I’m just trying to understand what you’re trying to tell me” A twinge of frustration crept into Anakin’s otherwise level tone.

"I appreciate that, truly, and I regret the number of hurtful miscommunications that sprung up from me failing to do just that. Well, I suppose, by most reasonable standards, I am ‘crazy.’ Getting some help with unraveling my mind would probably be best, if it were an option, but it isn’t so...” Obi-Wan shrugged.

Before any followup questions could be asked, they finally arrived at the main entrance to the Room of a Thousand Fountains. The archway was stunning, water flowing upwards along the stone in intricate, shifting tessellations. When they stepped through, Obi-Wan was delighted to see Mace Windu sitting on a bench by the entrance. 

“Mace! I was hoping to see you.”

Mace looked at him. He seemed at first, to be utterly unsurprised by the duo’s arrival. But the longer he stared, the more visible shock overtook his features. “Master Koon recommended I look for you...force what happened.”

Obi-Wan just chuckled. “Oh you know. What didn’t happen.”

“What’s wrong?” Anakin asked urgently. “What do you see, Master Windu?”

Obi-Wan tried to wave them both off, laugh a little more forced. “Please, I came here to relax. I’m sure it would be easier to say what’s not wrong with-”

“Kark it, Obi-Wan this isn’t a joking matter.” Master Windu’s voice was calm, but insistent. He slowly started approaching Obi-Wan as though the fellow council member were a feral loth-cat. 

“You look as if...nearly every shatter point around you has broken open. Force, I think you’ve been carrying some of these with you since you were a child. Usually when things that deep break...And some of these- some of these are too big to have just affected you.” Mace hesitantly reached forward, brushing against something invisible.

A chill ran down Anakin’s spine, again. What the kriff did Obi-Wan see in his vision? Last night he mentioned the temple burning, their rooms turned to ash, and Anakin had just...let that go in favor of greedily spending time with this addictively affectionate version of Obi-Wan.

“Mace...” Obi-Wan groaned. “I had been wondering what you might say to me but this is...please, can’t you just give me a hug and let me enjoy the peace for one more hour.”

“Master Kenobi,” Mace said, seeming to revert to an even more serious version of himself. “What I see cracked open around you is bigger than the reemergence of the Sith on Naboo, bigger than the first battle of Genosis. Whatever has happened, you cannot possibly keep it to yourself, practically or morally.”

To the shock of both Windu and Skywalker, Obi-Wan actually rolled his eyes at that. “Mace. You are not telling me anything I do not already know. And I am choosing to spend a little longer enjoying the unique joys of the Temple before dealing with the harshness of reality. Haven’t I earned a small break? I’m not abandoning my duty, but if I don’t take care of myself where I can I’ll go madder than I already have.” 

At no point did Obi-Wan’s voice get whiny or upset, he just calmly dropped a series of bombshells like he was repeating an argument.

Mace and Anakin exchanged glances, but if Mace was trying to communicate something, it was utterly lost on Anakin. 

“Alright, Master Kenobi. I trust your judgement.” 

And, to Anakin’s shock, Mace pulled Obi-Wan for a tight hug. “And I care about you, Obi-Wan.”

For a brief, hysterical moment, Anakin Skywalker wondered if he was about to witness his Master break down crying on the shoulder of Mace Windu the Master of the Jedi Order.

But Obi-Wan just let out a slow breath and returned the embrace before bowing deeply in Respect. Windu returned the bow with a placid expression. 

“If you’ll excuse me...I think I’d like to stand by the waterfall alone for a moment.” He paused, turning to address Anakin. “If you’re willing to wait for me, I’ll happily rejoin you by the glowing mushrooms.” Anakin nodded silently and Obi-Wan beamed before leaving the two alone together.

Mace turned to the young knight in a silent demand for answers, and, for once, Anakin was eager to share what he was dealing with. “He came back drunk last night, talking about the temple burning down, and being well-”

“Unusually emotionally expressive?” Mace offered.

Anakin nodded. “Took a blood sample to analyze in the morning. He woke determined to hug every sentient being in the temple. I actually managed to get him to the halls just before we came here; Master Eerin said there was nothing in his system and...I just don’t know. He’s been off today, but not in a bad way, exactly. Could a vision have caused the shattering you saw?

Mace furrowed his brow. “Not any vision like I’ve ever seen but...these are dark times. And Master Kenobi has had historically bad luck. If some new cataclysm is coming for us- I absolutely believe he’d be the first of us to stumble into it. Something terrible and extraordinary must have happened in the 24 hours since I last saw him in person.”

A beat passed.

“I should go to the mushrooms before I lose track of him,” Anakin said quietly.

Mace nodded. “Skywalker, if you need assistance dragging him back to the healers for whatever reason, comm me, understood?” 

“Understood. Master Koon said the same.” the Knight replied, heart pounding.

The Windu clasped him on the shoulder firmly, "I’m going to check in with Master Eerin. It’s possible she has some suspicions that my observations will help her confirm. Until then...”

“I’ll look out for him.” Anakin promised.

Part VI

[nyctophilin]

Fake Affection | IV

Chapter I, Chapter II, Chapter III, Chapter IV, Epilogue

Description: Han Jisung has been rejected by the girl he likes one to many times. He decides that he has had enough and is set on making her want him back. What could possibly make her want him more than seeing him with her rival after she boldly assumed he can’t find anyone better. That way Jisung and Y/N are stuck in a fake relationship until Jisung’s crush falls for him. Or he falls for someone else.

All rights reserved © nyctophilin 2020. Re-posting, copying and translating any of my works is prohibited.

Pairing: Han x fem!Reader, Hyunjin x fem!Reader

Word count: 7.6k

Genre: College!AU, Fake dating!AU, Angst, Fluff, Smut

Warnings: swearing, mild description of wounds, dom!jisung, oral(F), fingering, protected penetration, heartbreak

A/N: This got so long, Jesus! Once again I am really sorry for not posting this on time. Thank you for understanding! I’m not going to say much about this chapter. But here’s a fun fact. I wrote the smut part last. Literally, everything that happens after the smut part was written before the actual smut. Just enjoy it! Feedback is not an option anymore!!! If you read the whole story you are forced to give me feedback. Please! I really want to know what y’all think about THIS chapter.

      “Stay still!” Y/N murmured, tapping the cotton pad on Jisung’s busted lip.

      It had been around ten to fifteen minutes since Jisung decided that it was a good idea to engage in a fistfight with Hyunjin. After her ‘boyfriend’ landed the first punch everything escalated in a full-on fight where, unfortunately for him, he was the loser. Not only was Hyunjin taller than him, but he also turned out to be a lot stronger and faster, barely giving Jisung time to fight back. 

      He did manage to hit the taller man a few times but he got hit three times more. They finally got separated when a group of male students passed in the hallway and Y/N begged them to help her stop the two. That way they took Hyunjin away and she dragged Jisung outside to the back of the university, to the same bench they sat on a few weeks back.

      “I can’t. It stings!” He once again jerked his head away when the rubbing alcohol made contact with his fresh wound.

      “Then you shouldn’t have fought!” Y/N held back the urge to shove him. He was injured enough. “Why did you even hit him in the first place?” The question that bugged her since he threw the first punch was finally out.

      Jisung grabbed her hand, stopping her from disinfecting his wounds further. Exhaling noisily he looked her in the eyes, an uncharacteristic seriousness present in them. Y/N looked back at him with expectant eyes.

      “You were in front of the window over the bench we sat at. Mina and the others saw when Hyunjin hugged you. I felt like doing that would make our relationship look more realistic and show that I’m a great boyfriend.” The confidence with which he said those words made her let out an incredulous laugh.

      “What?” Narrowing her eyes she tilted her head to the side.

      “What kind of a boyfriend would let another man console his girlfriend? I had to show her that I’m possessive and I don’t like sharing what’s mine.”

      Unable to control herself anymore she shove him hard and the man let out a wince. Y/N got up from the bench and took two steps away, trying to calm herself down. 

      “Mina, Mina, Mina! This is all you talk about!” Her voice was calm but her tone was stern.

      Jisung couldn’t see her face but he already knew how she looked.

      “I’m confused. Isn’t this whole thing about..”

      “IT’S NOT! It’s so not!” She burst, turning towards him abruptly.

      “How is it not?” The boy looked genuinely confused and that stirred Y/N on even more.

      “Are you serious now?” Jisung opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but closed it after taking a moment to think. “It is not, because it wasn’t her ass that you groped. It is not, because it wasn’t her chest that you touched. And it is definitely not, because it wasn’t a line that she drew that you crossed. This whole incident wasn’t about Mina and would not be even in a thousand years.” Her tone became harsher with each word she let out, turning into full-on screaming by the end.

      Y/N ran a hand through her hair trying to contain herself. She could not believe what just happened. The fact that he was confused as to why she was mad didn’t help her disposition at all.

      Jisung was watching her mannerism with blown pupils. He has never seen her this mad. She scared him in a way he could not explain. Maybe it was the fact that he just got beaten up and in her state, she could easily land him some punches that he was bound to remember. However, he had a very unsettling feeling running through him at the moment.

      “I never thought it would be such a big deal.” He let out but immediately regretted his words as he saw her lift her eyebrow.

      Letting out a breath and crossing her arms under her chest she fixed him with her eyes. In a voice that was so calm, it made the hair on Jisung’s neck to stand on end, she started talking.

      “Do you remember when you kept me awake until 1 AM to talk about the ‘Terms and Conditions’ of this whole fake dating thing we are doing? Do you remember how you made me agree to so many stupid things that we were supposed to do? I had one condition. Only one! Can you tell me what it was?” A smile so fake on her face, even someone from the other end of the university could tell it wasn’t honest.

      Jisung swallowed the lump in his throat, moving his gaze on the ground. He did not dare look her in the eyes anymore. Letting his tongue wet his bottom lip he opened his mouth to speak.

      “Don’t touch you.” He sounded embarrassed and ashamed and that pleased Y/N.

      “Exactly! I agreed to kissing, I agreed to hugging, I agreed to sitting in your lap if the situation asks for it. I only asked you not to touch me in any inappropriate way.” She took a short break to breath. “If I remember correctly when I told you that you texted me back ‘As if.’. What happened? Did I suddenly become worth fucking?”

      Jisung’s eyes widened at her words, the unsettling feeling from earlier growing. He could not explain to himself why he was feeling that way. Was it because of the way she was acting or because his behaviour pushed her to act like that?

      “What? No! It’s just…”

      “Just what?” She yelled, interrupting him.

      The man bit his bottom lip and slowly raised his eyes to look at her. 

      “I thought we were becoming closer, like friends. I didn’t think it was going to bother you so much.” In all honesty, he didn’t think much before acting. 

      He wasn’t sure why he did it in the first place. Maybe it was the fact that Mina was watching and he wanted to make her remember what she was missing out on. Or maybe it was the way Jay would look at Y/N every time the smallest gust of wind would make her skirt slightly flutter. He wanted to force himself to believe it was the first option, but deep down he knew he was lying to himself.

      “You are fucking right! We were becoming close. Compared to what I was thinking about you when I first accepted this deal, I really started to think that you were a nice and funny guy to be around. But you know what? Scrap that! You proved to be the asshole I always thought you were.” She let her head fall back as a headache started setting in. Letting out a frustrated moan she brought her head back up looking at Jisung.

      “And don’t even get me started about how upset I am that you punched Hyunjin. He was just trying to make me feel better after what you did. What is this going to do to your friendship?”

      “It will definitely be awkward when we’ll see each other at home.” Jisung murmured more to himself than to her.

      Y/N’s eyes widened in surprise. Taking big steps, she closed the space between them grabbing the boy by the collar. The man froze, stunned by her action. Bringing their faces close, she looked at him with demanding eyes.

      “You are roommates?” Her voice bewildered, as her eyes travelled to every part of his face.

      Jisung nodded slowly, swallowing the lump in his throat. She pushed him against the back of the bench, knocking the air out of him. Her hand shot where her back was resting next to him and in a swift motion, she swung it over her shoulder. Taking a few steps away she turned around and looked at him with accusing eyes.

      “I can’t believe you risked your friendship with Hyunjin for..for. For a bitch who you are not even sure likes you back! How stupid are you? Do you want to know what you showed her today? You showed her that you are a nymphomaniac and a bogeyman.”

      Y/N ran her hand through her hair, annoyance pumping through her veins. She could not believe the audacity the man in front of her had. Sucking in a sharp breath, she continued talking.

      “Right now I should be with Hyunjin, not with you. He actually cares about my feelings. I should be there to nurse his wounds and thank him for caring enough to start a fight with your sorry ass. You don’t deserve me and my help! I should just leave and never see you again. Leave you to deal with your little crush by yourself but compared to you I actually care about other people. It’s so pathetic how after a year and a half you couldn’t make her your official girlfriend so I’m giving you another week. If by next Wednesday she didn’t fall head over heels for you, I’m out!”

      Looking for her phone in her bag, she took it out when she found it and dialled someone. Turning on her heels, she left Jisung alone on the bench. Following Y/N with his eyes, his heart sank when he heard the worried tone she used when calling Hyunjin’s name.

      Jisung remained sprawled on the bench from the way she pushed him and a deep sight left his chest. He had fucked up big time and he wasn’t sure if he could do anything to fix things. 

      The man couldn’t help the feeling of jealousy that settled inside him when he remembered that she was on her way to see Hyunjin. She was supposed to stay with him. She was his girlfriend. Y/N was his girlfriend.

      He repeated that to himself for a few minutes knowing full well that it wasn’t true. They weren’t together. It was all just a game.

      Y/N watched him with attentive eyes as the spoon disappeared inside his mouth and his Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed the soup. His face contorted in discomfort when the spoon touched the corner of his mouth that was cut. One of her hands instantly gripped his bicep while the other was awkwardly moving in front of him with no exact destination.

      Hyunjin held her hand and carefully placed it on the table, not letting it go. With a bright smile, he rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.

      “I’m fine, Y/N! Please, don’t worry. Eat or you’ll starve.” His voice was soft and loving, trying to show the girl that he was truly okay.

      Minho watched the scene unfold in front of him and a scoff left his lips. Besides that little cut in the corner of his mouth and a bruise on his neck, the man looked as good as new. He didn’t need the babying the girl was giving him.

      Shifting his eyes to Jisung, he felt an uncomfortable shiver run through him. The man had his lip busted in two places, a bruise under his eye and on his jaw and he had a cut on his forehead. And that was all only on his face. God knows what was hiding under his clothes. Hyunjin really didn’t hold back.

      Looking down at his tray, Jisung only had a protein shake that he brought from home on it. He was most probably unable to chew things properly thanks to the wounds on his mouth. He was sipping from the shake while watching with sad eyes how his girlfriend was almost glued to Hyunjin, making sure that he’s as comfortable as he can be. Minho was looking at him with pitiful eyes.

      “Jisung is more hurt, but I guess it doesn’t matter.” He muttered to himself, giving Y/N side-eyes.

      In an instant, the girl’s eyes were fixed on him, a cold look plastered on her face. He felt his bones freeze inside himself, and embarrassment washed over him when he realised how scared he got. 

      Y/N moved her eyes between Minho and Jisung before finally rolling them and shifting her attention back on Hyunjin.

      “Jisung is a big man that makes his own decisions. I’m sure that when he started the fight he thought of the possibility of getting beaten. Now he has to endure the consequences of his actions.” She said, finally taking a bite out of her sandwich.

      “That doesn’t change the fact that he was the one that got hurt more. You as his girlfriend should be caring about him, not about the guy that put him in this state.” Minho said feeling the bit of confidence he had in him leave his body once her eyes darkened with rage.

      “I don’t know if you knew that, but Jisung knows how to handle himself. Look at how well he’s handling this relationship!” Sarcasm dripped off her tongue showing Minho there were parts to the story he wasn’t aware of.

      A heavy silence fell upon the table after she spoke and no one dared to say anything for a couple of minutes. The only sounds were coming from the cutlery hitting the plates and bowls. Chan finally let out a sigh attracting the attention of a few people.

      “Maybe he had his reasons to start that fight.” 

      The older man tried resonating with her. All they knew about the situation was what Jeongin had told them. Y/N got really mad after Jisung touched certain parts of her body and she left them, Hyunjin close behind her probably wanting to console her. He agreed that Jisung had absolutely no business starting a fight after what he had done, but he was his friend and he felt obliged to take his side.

      Silence. For a minute Chan thought she wouldn’t answer him. 

      “Oh, he did. I know his reasons and I can assure you they were all shit. He has absolutely no justification for what he did.” Voice calm while looking the older male in the eyes.

      “They were still reasons..!” Felix said in a careful tone.

      She rolled her eyes exasperated. Who the fuck did they think they were questioning her like that. Is not like she was mad for no reason.

      Letting the sandwich fall into the plate, she got up and swung her bag over her shoulder.

      “I have something to prepare for Miss. Park’s class. Jeongin, I will see you later to go to rehearsals, okay?” The man nodded in her direction and she got out of her seat, taking a few steps away from the table.

      Abruptly stopping in her track she let out a sigh. They were right. She wasn’t like that. She was way better than that. Just because he was an asshole didn’t mean she had to be one as well.

      Turning towards the table, she walked behind Jisung’s chair. Resting her palms on his shoulders she bent down carefully placing a kiss on his bruised cheek.

      Jisung jumped slightly at the contact, taken aback by the sudden proximity. His cheeks became a faint rosy colour and he felt a knot forming in his stomach.

      “Make sure to disinfect your wounds when you get home, okay?” She whispered in his ear, her voice soft and he nodded slowly. He didn’t dare turn his head around to look at her. 

      “Take care!” 

      She straightened her back, but not before placing another kiss to his cheek. Waving her hand to the other people, she finally made her way to the double doors of the cafeteria, leaving the room.

      “God, this movie is so boring!” She exclaimed in the empty room.

      Y/N was currently sprawled on the couch in her living room watching some film Hayoon recommended to her. It was another Friday night without any plans to go out so she ordered some pizza, bought some snacks on her way home from university and opened a bottle of wine some of her friends gifted her a few months back.

      She wasn’t big on alcohol. In fact, she hated consuming alcoholic drinks but if that was going to help her with her boring night, she was more than willing to endure the sickening taste.

      Covered with a blanket pulled up to her neck, Y/N felt the heat suffocate her in a comfortable sort of way. She almost felt annoyed when she heard the familiar ring of her phone indicating she got a message.

      Letting one of her arms escape the confines of the blanket she shivered slightly when the cold air hit her skin. Grabbing her phone from the coffee table she brought it close to her eyes reading the notification on the screen. ‘Jisung has sent you a message’ Y/N rolled her eyes wondering why he couldn’t let her alone on weekends.

[Jisung,22:48]A guy from my major is hosting a party tomorrow night. Come with me?

      Y/N read the message a few times before scoffing. Was he really inviting her to some lame college party where people were only going to drink and have sex?

[Y/N,22:50]Parties aren’t really my thing…

      She really hoped he wouldn’t push the subject further. Every time she went to a party she ended up looking for her friends, that weren’t engaging in the most Christian of activities, everywhere to take them home. She had to drive each and every one of them home and help them walk into their bedrooms resulting in her arriving home two hours later than intended. 

      If that was not happening then she had to endure the advances of drunk boys and girls and protect herself from getting groped or rubbed on. That was the last thing she needed to end a week that was already shitty.

      Another ringing indicated she received a response.

[Jisung,22:51]Mina is going to be there. We’ve been texting the last couple of days and I think she might finally accept to be my girlfriend if I ask her tomorrow night.

      Y/N let her head fall on the arm of the sofa, a groan leaving her mouth. Receiving that message only meant she had to go. That might be his only chance to make a move on Mina until Wednesday when the whole fake dating thing was going to end.

      Then out of nowhere, a thought hit her and she started typing on her phone.

[Y/N,22:52]Then why do you need me there?

      If Jisung was going to make a move on Mina wouldn’t it be smarter for him not to want his so-called girlfriend there? Wasn’t she going to be an obstacle withs so many people that were aware they were dating around? Wouldn’t Mina be hesitant in accepting his advances if she was there?

      Y/N laughed loudly at her own thoughts. Of course, Mina wouldn’t care. She’s been actively trying to ‘seduce’ Jisung since their not so unexpected encounter at the outdoor cinema two weeks prior. Still, she was confused. How possibly can she be of help in that situation?

      She unlocked her phone upon hearing the familiar ring and read the message.

[Jisung,22:54]Make her more jealous. The chances of her accepting my proposal are bigger if she sees me with you.

[Y/N,22:54]Okay, fine. Text me the address and I’ll be there.

      She locked her phone and placed it back on the coffee table. Her phone went off a little bit later indicating that he responded but she didn't care enough at the moment to check. Wrapping the blanket around herself again, she continued to watch the movie that wasn’t paused during her talk with Jisung.

      “Oh my God, I should have asked him for more details!” She screamed a few minutes later when the movie got particularly boring.

      The moment she stepped out of the elevator loud music invaded her eardrums. Even if Jisung wouldn’t have told her the number of the apartment, she would have been able to find it. The door was wide open, coloured lasers getting out of the room and falling on the carpet of the hallway. 

      Numerous people were scattered all over the hallway, drinks in hand and Y/N was wondering if the guy that was hosting the party was the only one who lived on that floor. How was no one disturbed by the vibrant music and chatter of the dozens of students?

      When she came close to the door of the apartment a strong smell of alcohol hit her nose and she felt her insides turn upside down. This wasn’t going to be a fun night for her at all. She could sense it.

      Stepping inside the apartment she was met with the faces of some people she knew visually from university but most people there were strangers. Checking her phone to see if Jisung responded to her message she exhaled angrily when she noticed that he hadn't even seen it yet. This was absolutely great. She was in a house full of horny drunk young adults with absolutely no one familiar around her.

      ‘I’ll take a look around until he responds.’ she thought to herself. Maybe that way she will be able to find someone she knew. If Jisung was there, his friends were most probably there as well.

      The apartment was fairly big for someone who was supposed to live alone. A big living room, a separate office, a big bathroom, a bedroom which she thankfully didn't manage to see, loud female moans alerting her to stay away if she didn’t want to see live porn, and a big kitchen. 

      Stepping inside the almost deserted kitchen, she leaned over the island and placed her elbows on the cold surface. She was scanning the drink choices the host had displayed on the counters and disappointedly noticed how none of them was missing alcohol from their ingredients.

      “Can I offer you a drink babe?” A voice suddenly whispered in her ear.

      Her eyes went wide and all her senses heightened. Y/N almost fell down when she abruptly turned around but the owner of the voice secured a strong arm around her waist. A cheerful laugh she knew far too well filled her ears and she angrily hit Hyunjins chest, who only started laughing harder at her action.

      “You scared the shit out of me, you asshole!” She yelled over the loud music wanting to get out of his grip but he didn’t allow her.

      “That was the whole point.” The man chirped happily, knowing that his little prank worked.

      Y/N rolled her eyes at his childish attitude and slightly pushed his chest. Looking away from him to hide her smile, her gaze fell upon the other two people in the room. Insistently staring at her, they were whispering between themselves. She recognised them as being from Jisung’s Major. Their eyes were burning holes into her head and she awkwardly got away from Hyunjin’s embrace. What was up with them?

      “Seriously now. Can I offer you a drink?”

      “I don’t drink.” Came her short answer that left the boy surprised.

      “I don’t want to sound rude, but why did you come then?”

      “Jisung invited me. Speaking of him, have you seen him around?”

      Hyunjin’s expression turned into an apologetic one before nodding his head. Y/N threw him a questioning look signalling him to continue and the man chewed on his bottom lip before letting out a long sigh.

      “He’s with Mina somewhere around here.” Y/N’s expression brightened involuntarily before quickly going back to a neutral one. 

      This must have been the reason the two boys were staring at her so insistently.

      “Oh.. Well then, do you want to talk?”

      “I really missed you! It was so lonely without you this past month.” Mina yelled over the loud music and Jisung swore he almost went deaf.

      He was currently leaning against a wall with Mina pressed against him. Her palms were pressed on the wall behind him, breasts pushed against his chest and one of her legs between his, teasingly close to his crotch. At that moment Jisung could think of only one word to describe her.

      Annoying.

      She was so annoying. He noticed this ever since they started texting again a couple of days ago. She was mean, self-centred and really vulgar. The jokes he used to laugh at were not funny anymore, seeming more like straight-up bullying. She was talking about herself so much. Every time he said something about himself she would brush it off and go back to talking about herself. And when reminiscing the ‘good old times’ she would bring up only their sex life.

      Looking back at the year and a half he has liked her, Jisung could not explain to himself why that happened. There was really no reason to like her platonically, let alone romantically.

      “Really?” He asked, trying to seem interested in whatever she was saying.

      “Aham. There wasn’t really anyone able to satisfy me the way you did.” She winked at him and Jisung held back a grimace.

      Was that supposed to make him feel flattered? He felt like it should have, but for some odd reason, he only felt disgusted by the information. Was she really incapable of having a conversation without mentioning sex at least once?

      Averting his eyes from her, Jisung’s gaze landed on the pair sitting on the couch for the nth time that night. Y/N was lying against the back of the couch and Hyunjin was leaning towards her, whispering things in her ear that made her giggle. Jisung couldn’t hear her, but he bet she sounded so cute at that moment. And all because of Hyunjin.

      For the past few weeks, he has been feeling really weird around Y/N. His stomach full of butterflies, face covered in pink, the desire to hold her hand and rage filling him every time he’ll see her with Hyunjin or Jeongin. And that was exactly what he was feeling at that moment.

      Jisung has recently accepted that he has a crush on the girl. He thought of it a few times before, but somehow his mind would wander back to Mina and he would dismiss such a possibility. However, at that moment looking at how Hyunjin was so close to her, he was certain about his feelings.

      As if they have talked about it beforehand, Hyunjin’s hands rested on Y/N’s thigh at the same time Mina pressed her knee against Jisung’s crotch and he felt something inside himself shift. Carefully pushing Mina away from him as to not hurt her and murmuring an apology he made his way to the couch. He didn’t know what he was going to say. He just knew he had to take her away from him.

      Y/N’s eyes looked up at him and a smile appeared on her lips. Hyunjin’s gaze followed hers and he retracted his hand from her leg upon laying his eyes on Jisung. He felt a small weight being lifted from his chest as Hyunjin’s hand left her body.

      “Y/N, can we talk?” He yelled over the music, making sure she hears him.

      Yes, that was a good idea. They were supposed to be a couple. There was nothing weird in wanting to talk.

      Her head fell to the side and her brow raised in confusion. Looking at Hyunjin, he gave her an awkward smile.

      “Sure. What is it?”

      “Not here. Let’s go somewhere quieter.”

      She threw Hyunjin one last look before sighing and getting up from the couch. When Y/N got next to Jisung, he held her hand and intertwined their fingers together. The man was leading her out of the apartment. They walked down the hallway in silence until they reached the door at the end of the corridor. 

      Jisung pressed the handle pulling the door open and Y/N’s eyes widened in shock.

      “Jisung, wait! What are you doing?” She pulled his hand, stopping him from entering the apartment.

      “Don’t worry. I and Hyunjin live here as well. This is our apartment.”

      She calmed down at his words and let the man pull her inside. Once inside, she took a few steps away from the door looking at the way their apartment was furnished. Hearing the door close behind her with a small thud.

      “So...is this the part where you break up with me because you and Mina are so in love with each other?” She chuckled and turned to look at him but was met with serious eyes scanning her up and down.

      “Hey, is everything okay?”

      “Let’s date! For real this time.” He said in a pleading tone coming closer to her.

      Y/N’s eyes widened and she took a few steps back, startled by the man’s sudden demand. She studied his face for a few seconds looking for a sign, anything, to tell her he was joking but his expression remained unchanged. She gulped visibly and gathered her courage to speak.

      “W-what?” Y/N stumbled over her words letting her nervousness show.

      Jisung came closer to her, putting his hands on her arms, holding her in place. She didn’t back away this time, letting the boy come as close as he wanted.

      “Over the last few days, I realised that I don’t love Mina like I thought I did. I guess I was confused. She was the first girl that approached me when I entered university and immediately after we started hooking up regularly. I never interacted with other girls with the intention of dating them and I didn’t realise what a bad person she was. I don’t want to date her. I want to date you!”

      His eyes were staring into hers with a newfound sincerity. Y/N was taken aback by his words and didn’t know if she should believe him or not.

      Leaning her head towards him, she sniffed loudly making Jisung pull his head back, his brows furrowing in confusion.

      “What a-”

      “Are you drunk? I can’t smell alcohol coming from you though.” Y/N said inching her head even closer to his and taking another sniff.

      The man was dumbfounded by her question. This is not what he expected. 

      “I haven’t had alcohol in a month.”

      Her expression turned into one of realisation and a sympathetic smile appeared on her face. Jisung smiled back at her, relieved that she finally understood him.

      “Did Mina reject you? This is why you suddenly want to date me? Listen Jisung, I unders…”

      “Damn it, I love you Y/N!” He cut her off, cupping her face with his hands and pressing their lips together.

      His sudden confession made Y/N freeze. For a moment she lost sense of reality and couldn’t think straight.

      When she regained her composure she had the urge to push him away but as his tongue was exploring her mouth she found herself unable to. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and melted into the kiss, savouring his taste.

      Their lips were moving against each other in perfect unity and the kiss wasn’t too slow or too rushed. Jisung started walking, forcing Y/N to move backwards until they reached the living room. 

      Without breaking the kiss he crouched down and placed his hand on the back of her thighs. Taking the hint, she jumped lightly and let Jisung put her legs around his waist. Carrying her as if she weighed nothing, he walked into what she assumed was his bedroom and carefully placed her on the bed.

      Jisung broke the kiss, a single strand of saliva still connecting them. In a swift motion, he took off his hoodie revealing his surprisingly well-built body to her. Pushing her back against the mattress, he used one hand to prop himself up hovering over her and the other one snaked around her waist keeping her flush against him.

      Peppering light kisses from her ear to her jawline he let his teeth sink softly in her delicate skin. His mouth was sucking on the sensitive skin while the hand around her waist went further down, groping her cheek and squeezing.

      A gasp left her mouth at the stimulation and Jisung felt his shaft twitch inside the confines of his black jeans. Moving his hand from her arse to the front of her pants, he unbuttoned her pants and slid the zipper down with a quiet noise.

      Kissing and nibbling on her neck to distract her, Jisung slid his hand inside her pants brushing it over her clothed slit, not touching her properly yet. Y/N whined louder than he expected her to and bucked her hips up, connecting her heat with his hand.

      Smirking against her neck, he let his palm rub her, ripping a series of quiet moans from her. Getting his tongue out and leaving a wet trail from her neck to her ear, he bit her earlobe.

      “Want me to touch you, princess?” Whispering hoarsely into her ear, he moved her underwear to the side, tracing the outside of her heat.

      “Yes Jisung, please!” Her loud voice strained.

      Jisung hummed, satisfied with the response and connected his lips with hers again. The kiss was slow and passionate but his wounded lips were rough against hers.

      Hooking his thumbs in the hem of her panties, he slid them down taking her pants off at the same time. Letting his middle finger explore her pussy, he sank his teeth into her bottom lip softly when he felt how wet she already was. Sliding a single finger in with ease, Jisung started pumping it in a steady rhythm. 

      Adding another finger, shortly after he felt Y/N tighten around him and he twitched again at the thought of her pussy around his dick. He increased the speed of his fingers forcing her to moan louder. Soon the room was filled with moaning and squelching sounds.

      Breaking the kiss and licking his lips, he connected his nose to her skin dragging it down his body until it touched her pubic bone. The faint touch of his nose tickled her and she chuckled between breathy moans.

      Connecting his eyes with her pussy for the first time he felt his mouth water at how wet she was. Without losing any more time Jisung dove in placing an open-mouthed kiss on her clit. He groaned lowly against her slit sending vibrations through her body. Y/N whined and threw her head back at the unexpected stimulation, bucking her hips up against his face.

      Jisung was running his tongue through her labia, lapping at her sweetness while moving his fingers restlessly. He curled his fingers upwards inside her and flicked her clit with his tongue. 

      “F-fuck...Jisung!” She cried out fingers instantly tangling in his brown locks.

      Jisung took it as a sign to increase his speed, fingers curling up from time to time and tongue abusing her sensitive bud.

      Y/N felt the knot in her stomach become impossibly tight and she tried to no avail to push the man away from her. She finally felt the tension inside her unwind and a world wrecking orgasm hit her, a string of curses and moans erupting from her throat.

      Jisung continued to move his fingers inside her for a bit, helping her ride out her high. When Y/N calmed down he took his fingers out of her and watched in awe as her juices entirely coated them.

      Shoving his fingers inside his mouth and licking them clean, he got up from the bed and walked up to his desk. Opening the bottom drawer and rummaging through it he pulled out a silver package. 

      Y/N was watching him through hooded eyes still swimming in the aftermath of her orgasm. On his way back to the bed he took the liberty to take the rest of his clothes off, remaining completely bare in front of him. Y/N gulped visibly when she noticed his cock standing tall against his abs, the tip slightly curved red and leaking precum. She squeezed her thighs together, the need to be filled again unbearable.

      Jisung climbed into the bed and captured her lips into a short kiss. Y/N could taste herself on his lips and she gasped.

      Ripping the package of the condom open he rolled it on his length. Jisung spread Y/N’s legs and forced them to wrap around his waist. 

      With one hand he was holding hers, fingers intertwined and squeezing lightly and the other one was on his cock holding it next to her opening. Jisung stared into her eyes to find any form of restrain and when he found none he pushed inside slowly.

      Both of them moaned loudly as he entered her, walls stretching around his rigid length. At that moment all Jisung could think about was how much more better Y/N felt around him than he imagined.

      A strand of light made its way between the light curtains in Jisung’s room and fell over the bed, tickling his arm where it touched it. A raspy hum left his mouth and he turned to face the other way from the window, throwing his arm on the other side of the bed with the intention to snake it around Y/N’s waist. The only problem was that she wasn’t on the other side of the bed and the sheets were cold, signalling that she was gone for at least some time.

      He lazily opened his eyes and scanned the room for any signs that she was around but there were none. Turning his head to look at the digital clock on the nightstand, big bolded numbers read 13:34. It was already afternoon. Maybe she got up and was in the kitchen or the living room.

      Groaning loudly, Jisung got up from the bed and stretched his stiff limbs. Dragging his feet against the floor lazily he made his way into the living room only to find it empty as well. 

      ‘Maybe in the kitchen.’ he thought to himself. Jisung walked the small distance between the living room and the kitchen, hope filling his heart, only for it to be gone when he found it the same way they left it the night before, not even a speck of dust moved from its previous position.

      Making his way to the table in the middle of the room, he placed his elbow on it and rested his head in his palm, an elongated sigh leaving his chest. Did Y/N really leave him? After everything that happened?

      Then, out of nowhere, something in his brain sparked and he remembered that Sundays she usually met up with Jeongin to practice the script. This must have been the reason she was not there. She wouldn’t leave him after what they did the previous night.

      Jisung’s face brightened at the memory of her underneath him. The way they loved each other with so much passion and desire. He could feel it. It wasn’t just plain fucking like he used to do with Mina. Last night he made love to her for the first time in his life. 

      An involuntary smile crept on his face. He could not believe it was real. Falling in love with someone that also likes you after so many failed attempts to find love. It felt almost too good to be true.

      As he was sitting there, fantasising about his relationship with Y/N, the apartment door swung open and a cheerful Hyunjin entered, humming a bright melody. Jisung ignored his roommate, too caught up in his daydreaming to care about his presence.

      When Hyunjin noticed Jisung sitting at the table his smile widened even more. With big steps, he reached the other man and pulled him into a chokehold ruffling his hair with his fist.

      “Jisung, you big tut! Really made me think that our friendship might be over.” Hyunjin chirped happily, letting the other man, who was struggling in his grasp, go. 

      “Yo, what the fuck? What are you talking about?” Jisung snapped at the taller man the moment he was free.

      “Why haven’t you told me that you and Y/N were just fake dating. I wouldn’t have given you such a hard time. But then again, I guess it made the whole thing more realistic.”

      Jisung stopped in his track at Hyunjin’s words and a confused expression adorned his face.

      “How do you know that?”

      “I met up with Y/N today. She told me everything before she confessed to me. Damn, and I wanted to be the on..”

      “Wait, slow down! What do you mean she confessed to you?” His eyes narrowed and suspicion was growing inside of him.

      Was Hyunjin lying to him? Did he want to tease him for having to resort to fake dating to try and win Mina? It was impossible for Y/N to have confessed to Hyunjin. She liked him.

      “Y/N confessed to me when we met today. She said that she liked me since last year but didn’t have the courage to come talk to me. Isn’t that crazy? How we both liked each other but never talked?” Hyunjin continued rambling on about his crush on Y/N but Jisung couldn’t hear him.

      All sorts of thoughts ran through his mind at the moment but he couldn’t organise them. Jisung could feel his heartbeat inside his head and a loud ringing in his left ear. He was so disoriented at that moment. Was it real? Did Y/N really confess to Hyunjin? He hoped that any moment now he would wake up next to her in his bed and discover that he was having a nightmare and that what was happening was not real.

      “If you stay and think about it, we wouldn’t be together now if it weren’t for you asking her to fake date. I should thank you, shouldn’t I?” The man chuckled but was soon cut off by Jisung, who grabbed him by the collar and harshly pushed him against the table.

      Hyunjin’s pupils were blown from the shock. Looking down at Jisung he noticed his darkened and angry gaze and he could not understand what caused that.

      “Don’t you thank me! Don't you ever give me credit for bringing you two together.” He yelled in the other man’s face.

      He paused for a moment to make holes through Hyunjin’s head with his eyes and clenched his jaw. Giving his roommate a last hard push that caused the table to move from its place, he turned around and stormed into his room slamming the door shut.

      Jisung’s blood was boiling. He didn’t know what to do at that moment to calm himself down. Y/N hadn’t left because she was busy with the movie. She left to meet with Hyunjin. Because she didn’t like him back.

      In a spurt of anger, he ripped the blanket from the bed throwing it on the other part of the room. Looking back at the bed, the place where he proved his love to her, he noticed a neatly folded paper resting in the middle of it. How hadn’t he noticed it earlier?

      He bent down to pick it up from the bed and carefully unfolded it to start reading what was written on it.

“Dear Jisung,

It’s me, Y/N, but you probably know that already. I’m writing you this because I won’t be here when you wake up.

What happened last night was a mistake on my part. Maybe ‘mistake’ is not exactly the right word to use. I don’t regret what happened between us last night. You are a nice and smart guy and I had a lot of fun with you the past few weeks, ignoring your fight with Hyunjin. This is why I feel like I took advantage of your feelings for me.

I don’t feel the same about you… I’m really sorry! I should have pushed you away when you kissed me. I don’t know why I didn’t. Probably because I haven’t had sex in so long. I feel like I gave you fake hope by doing that and I’m so sorry.

All this time, the whole fake dating thing was exactly that for me. Fake dating. If some of my actions made you think I might be returning your feelings, I’m really sorry! 

I did start liking you a lot in the past weeks but not in the way you would like me to… I really hope we can still be friends but if not, I would not blame you.

I’m really bad at this kind of things. I hope my feelings managed to reach you through this letter. See you at school on Monday if you still want to be friends.

Another thing. I’m going to confess to Hyunjin and tell him about our fake dating today. I was already scheduled to meet him today to talk about that since last night at the party. I felt like I should let you know.

And If I do end up dating him, like I want to, I hope you will be okay with that.

Take care of yourself!

Much love,

Y/N”

      Jisung lowered his hand and let it dangle next to his body. Letting the letter fall from his hand and hit the floor, a maniacal laugh left him.

      “Of course she doesn’t like me back. This is what I get for choosing an actress as my fake girlfriend. This was just another job for her.”

      In his mad chase to get Mina, he hasn’t realised that he was losing what was next to him. But maybe Y/N wasn’t ever his. After all, all the love and affection she showed him was fake. 

      And like a fool, he fell for her fake affection.

Taglist: @qxkwu , @hoodlesspizza, @avisahoe, @just-let-me-go-sweetheart, @hyunooh, @iluvlix, @hwangful​(send an  ✨ to be added to the Fake Affection taglist, even though there’s only the epilogue left.)

[homiesliketovent]

so... ive never told anyone this except for, like, anonymous sites. i could tell my s/o or my friends, but thats hard and im kind of afraid to.

so. lets start at the beginning. i had unlimited access to the internet from a very young age. and, when i was 10, or so, i decided to download discord. i started joining servers and talking to people and stuff, and i was totally obsessed with it. than, one time, this random guy from a anime server i was in added me. he started talking to me about my profile picture, my life, and pretty soon he wanted me to send a picture of myself. (not sexual.) i remember getting so excited bc he was being a little bit flirty and stuff, but i was still weary because he was technically a stranger on the internet. so, i put it off for a few minutes.

he asked me how old i was and i lied and said i was 13. (because, as an 11 year old, i thought 13 was old.) he said that he was 13 too. he pressured me a bit to send a picture of my face but i was as resilient as a i could be. my resilience probably lasted ten minutes.

it was okay because i felt kinda felt comfortable enough to send him a picture of myself, but not enough to send a picture of my full face. so, i dressed up a bit so i could be "flirty" or whatever, and sent a picture of myself with my face covered by my hand. he complimented me a lot, but even when i asked him to send a picture of himself, he never would. that should have been a huge fucking red flag.

at some point, i asked him if we were friends because, up till then, i hadnt had many good experiences with long lasting strong friendships. and he said "of course" and reassured me and i indulged in him that i had issues in the past with fake friends. he told me that he would never leave me and stuff like that, and i was so glad to finally have an actual friend. he was so nice to me and i genuinely had a huge crush on him. i was so ready to start this fucking- internet relationship, or whatever, with him. its gross.

i used to keep a list of everything he told me about himself, because i wanted to know him really well, and i dont have the best memory. when i was cleaning my room a year ago, or so, i found it and tore it up. (i knew his name, he liked video games and talking on discord servers, his favorite food was pizza, his favorite anime was fairy tail.)

he would send me random hentai and porn and i always just kind of laughed it off, even though thats so not normal because we were both (supposedly) 13. i never questioned him in any capacity, really. i trusted him completely. so much so that i sent more pictures of myself. one of them was a mirror selfie so he ended up seeing my body. (again, not sexual.) its just fucking gross that he has access to what i looked like as an 11 year old. i think i even sent him a picture of my face that wasnt blocked out by anything. i dont really remember. through all of this, he still refused to send any picture of himself.

anyways, at some point he got banned or his account got deactivated, or whatever. looking back, i think it's def because someone reported him. but i was so mad at him, because he told me that he would never abandon me, and he did. i sent so many angry messages to his deactivated account. at some point, i deleted our whole chat out of anger. i wish i could still go back and look at it though. as said in the title: i miss him.

later i found out that he was a full grown ass adult from someone in a server he was in. im so fucking angry and upset still. im not traumatized, or anything, i can still be on discord servers and talk to men and stuff, but like... every once in a while i still have a panic attack either because of what was happening to me without me realizing, because he's probably jacked off to pictures of me, or because i irrationally think that a whole ass pedophile didn't even want me, so no one ever will. i still think about him a lot and i still miss him for some god forsaken reason.

[gffa]

I’M GONNA HAVE TO BREAK THIS UP BECAUSE IT’S KIND OF A LOT.  So, @alabasterswriting and I were having a fantastic conversation about Anakin and how much he intellectually-versus-emotionally knows that he can leave the Jedi Order at any time, that he’s not a slave to them and it was already getting really long, so I’m going to put this in a new post because this is going to be even longer, but IT’S A SUBJECT NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART BECAUSE I HAVE MANY FEELINGS ABOUT ANAKIN SKYWALKER. For context, there are some other posts that’ll be referenced so this is only, like, the length of two monster posts instead of five.  ^_~ - The original ask about whether or not Anakin was a slave to the Jedi, which sets up how the Jedi make it extremely clear that it’s fine to leave - A follow-up ask from alabasterswriting + their very thoughtful, love response, which this post is largely a response to! Now that I’ve gotten some sleep, I think I can be more coherent on why I think there’s a lot of really good stuff to explore with Anakin’s emotional misunderstanding (versus intellectually knowing that he can leave) and why I do think it’s an important element, but not necessarily at the core of why Anakin stayed. Why does Anakin stay as a Jedi?  I think the Obi-Wan & Anakin comic covers this really well--he plans to leave, he’s not upset about it, he’s excited and has nothing but respect for the Jedi Order, he even says that he may come back.  Anakin knows that he has options, he believes that he’s capable of taking off into the wider galaxy, he acknowledges that part of the reason he may have joined was, despite Qui-Gon’s warnings, all he saw was a magic man and a way out of slavery, what was he going to do, say no? The overarching plot of the comic is:  Obi-Wan wants him to be absolutely sure of this, so he asks Anakin for one last mission together, but makes it clear that he’ll accept whatever choice Anakin makes in the end.  Obi-Wan’s point is, when they call for reinforcements at the end to deal with Carnelion IV’s civil war, they get those reinforcements, becasue they did this as Jedi.  That the Jedi are part of the Republic and thus they have the backing of the Republic.  (This is, interestingly enough, also a major theme in Master & Apprentice, that the day is saved precisely because Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon were part of the Republic and had the backing of the Republic.)  Anakin realizes that he can accomplish more as a Jedi than he can setting off on his own, so he happily agrees to stay. This fits with how Anakin genuinely seems to like being a Jedi.  The problems he expresses with it, is that he wants more than what they can do, he wants to be able to tell people want to do, to make them do the right thing.  He expresses this to Padme in Attack of the Clones, he follows it up with that conversation with Tarkin during The Citadel arc, where they both feel the Jedi Code does not allow Jedi to go “far enough” to win the war. Further, he teaches on the beliefs of the Jedi.  After the brain invader worms, Anakin teaches Ahsoka about how to balance letting go of their attachments versus caring about other people and wanting to save them, how the two work together.  While she’s on Onderon and having confusing feelings for Lux, he teaches her again about how duty must come before her feelings, he seems to agree with this, because he’s not shy about subverting the Jedi teachings when he wants to.  And very clearly, he teaches the same things to Rex in the Bad Batch arc:

That’s exactly what the Jedi teach (and is ironic because this is just a few months before Revenge of the Sith and I think it’s actually a really perfect illustration of exactly what was at the heart of Anakin, that he genuinely believes in the Jedi teachings, until they apply to him and his fears eat him up and he makes himself the exception) and Anakin also seems to genuinely believe it. In Revenge of the Sith, Anakin doesn’t express any desire to not be a Jedi until after he’s helped kill Mace and the younglings and then, frankly, he’s repeating Palpatine’s words, not his own, he doesn’t really believe what he’s saying, imo.  When he talks to Padme about feeling lost, it isn’t expressed in terms of him feeling trapped, but instead that he feels he isn’t the Jedi he should be, that he wants more. Anakin never seems to feel trapped or obligated--there’s almost nothing in the movies or TV show that actually lean towards the idea that Anakin felt any pressure of being the Chosen One.  He doesn’t seem to believe it himself--he tells the Father that it’s a myth.  And the other Jedi (aside from Qui-Gon) never talk about it in front of him, it’s almost never even mentioned, I think it comes up all of two or three times in the movies?  And each time there are people expressing doubt about it being true and it’s never discussed at Anakin’s face.  Even in TCW, aside from the Mortis arc, it never really seems to come up pretty much at all. Does he feel an obligation to Shmi’s memory to stay as a Jedi?  Possibly!  It would certainly be an easy conclusion to come to!  He never expresses it directly anywhere that I can recall, though. At the end of The Wrong Jedi, when Ahsoka says she’s going to leave, he says,  “I understand. More than you realize, I understand wanting to walk away from the Order.“ which is the most he ever expresses about actually wanting to leave in any canon that I’ve seen.  We’re given no other context for this--is it because he’s angry at the Jedi, is it that he feels they’re not doing enough and he could do more as a free agent, is it that he wants to leave to be with Padme, is it that he doesn’t like being a Jedi, is it that he feels a wanderlust for the stars?  We’re given no further context in that scene, so we have to put it together with the other things we have.  That Anakin, when he was younger, said he felt a calling to the starts, that in ROTS he wants more, that in the conversations with Padme and Tarkin, he feels the Jedi aren’t going far enough and someone should make people do things. Put together with the end of the Obi-Wan & Anakin comic, where he stays because he feels he can do more with the Jedi than without them, I think that’s at the heart of why Anakin stays.  He wants more more more more.  This is further evidenced by what George Lucas says about how the dark side works, which is something I think Anakin is clearly sliding into at this point: “What happens when you go to the dark side is it goes out of balance and you get really selfish and you forget about everybody … because when you get selfish you get stuff, or you want stuff, and when you want stuff and you get stuff then you are afraid somebody is going to take it away from you, whether it’s a person or a thing or a particular pleasure or experience.”  --George Lucas That’s what I see it as, because the story of Anakin Skywalker is one that is sliding towards the dark side, and Anakin’s problem is that he wants more and more and more.  He wants to be a Jedi, he wants to be married to Padme, he wants to be able to murder people to win the war, he wants to be made a Master (despite having just taken a bribe from Palpatine and clearly isn’t ready for it yet in emotional mastery), he wants all these people, things, and experiences.  He wants more. The point @alabasterswriting​ makes here:  “To me, (and it’s totally an opinion, and I’m open to disagreement), it’s always seemed like Anakin was on his way to being able to being able to handle himself emotionally before his perceptions of his sense of self were messed with. And I think (as I’m sure many do) a large part of that was Palpatine feeding his ego/preying on his fears and insecurities. Like we see in the bar with Palpatine that he uses a whole bunch of trigger words meant to make Anakin equate the Jedi to his time as a slave.“ is a really good one, because I absolutely agree that Palpatine completely muddied the waters on this, that Anakin was on his way to a much healthier understanding of himself and ability to understand himself, but then Palpatine started dripping poison into his hear and telling Anakin the things he wanted to hear, rather than the truth that he needed to hear. So, eventually, Vader rationalizes what he’s doing by looping back around to what Palpatine told him, which George Lucas makes clear in his directions to Hayden Christensen (that he’s rationalizing and justifying the things he’s doing, that he doesn’t actually believe them, that is), that that’s at the heart of how Anakin handles things. He does feel powerless to help people--despite that he’s not and there are plenty of moments where he knows otherwise, like in the Age of Republic comic, when he helps the people of Kudo out of the sticky situation they’re in, they have a chance to make their own choice about whether they want to join the Separatists or the Republic, Obi-Wan specifically points out that it was him who helped them:

There are actually a ton of instances in The Clone Wars of this as well, like he helps the rebels on Onderon, he helps save Naboo from the Blue Shadow Virus, he helps free the people of Mon Calamari, he helps free the people of Kiros, etc., but it was easier to grab the above cap as an example (even if I do absolutely agree that Anakin Skywalker is a bucket with a whole in the bottom--it doesn’t matter that he helps people almost every day, it’s never enough, he still wants more, he still feels powerless to help as many people as he wants, and he does feel like he’s often taking things apart, rather than fixing things, as he tells Padme in the Malevolence arc) as well as it’s a good segue into his relationship with Obi-Wan in the next part. Ultimately, I think it comes back to the dark side--it lies, it twists things, it tells Anakin that he wants more and more and more, that nothing else around him is ever enough.  He’s not helping enough people, he’s not doing enough stuff, he’s not getting enough recognition, he’s not getting enough personal loyalty over loyalty to things that are bigger than him. But he can’t face that truth about himself, that the dark side has twisted him, so instead the dark side must be right, Palpatine must be right.  The dark side always wins, Obi-Wan, Vader says in the Star Wars comic, and so everything else must be shuffled around to fit that.  Everything else must be rationalized to fit the way he feels, so he leans into whatever justification he can find, despite that he actually really wanted to be a Jedi and believed in their teachings. (Part 2 in a reblog coming soon because I can only do one monster post at a time.  ^_~)

[asthmark]

❝ walk you home ❞ l.dh

synopsis → “it’s just a suggestion but you could maybe put your lips on mine?”

request → “hi ive reading your works and honestly thank u for being a blog that doesn’t write smut. i feel like there are so few blogs like so. all your works make my heart feel fluffy and warm 😊 i was wondering if i could request a fluffy prompt kinda based off the nct dream song: walk you home with haechan? you have full creative freedom ❤️ thank u”

word count → 1.6k

you didn’t walk home often but when you did it always proved to be a peaceful and serene experience. 

you take pleasure in the sound of the pavement beneath your feet as your legs carry you home and your hands hold on tightly to the straps of your backpack. the calm breeze blows some of your hair around and the sun’s rays shine down on you delightfully. 

you decide it can’t get much better than this.

but, of course, you can’t have anything nice. 

you realize this when you feel a pair of hands grasp your shoulders firmly resulting in you effectively jumping out of your skin with a loud shriek.

the culprit, none other than lee donghyuck, laughs as he watches you place your hands on your knees, trying to steady your racing heart. 

“not funny, donghyuck!” you punch his arm to express your frustration. “you almost gave me a heart attack, for christ’s sake!”

he holds up his hands in defense. “okay, okay. i’m sorry. i was messing around, i thought it’d be funny.” 

“oh right because sneaking up on a girl walking home alone and making her think she’s going to be kidnapped is just hilarious.”

“i really didn’t mean to scare you,” he says, genuinely. “i came here for a reason, i swear.”

you raise your brows, expectantly.

“i was just thinking i could maybe walk you home?” 

you observe the way he tugs gently at the string of his hoodie, almost as if he were nervous. but why would he be nervous in front of you? you were just his best friend’s little sister. 

“you want to walk with me?” 

he nods in confirmation. 

you play with your shirt collar, not entirely sure what to say. “that’s fine, i guess.” 

with that, you continue on your route not even waiting for donghyuck who jogs to catch up to you. despite your houses being only a couple blocks away from each other, you and donghyuck had never walked anywhere together. at least, in your high school years. 

when you were all much younger, him and your older brother mark would almost always walk to the bus stop together. your mother had you tag along with them and your tiny figure would often be seen trailing behind them, trying your best to keep up. 

as you grew up, many things begun changing. most notably, the way you felt about donghyuck. before, all you had seen him as was mark’s obnoxious friend who pestered you relentlessly. but you had finally realized how cute and charming he truly was. you started to enjoy the way he teased you as long as it meant you had his attention. it wasn’t long before mark noticed your change in attitude and connected the dots. it was easy to say he was displeased. first of all, having you follow donghyuck all the time like a shadow proved to be very irritating. second of all, his best friend and his little sister together was something he didn’t want to even think about. 

when he commented about your strange behavior to donghyuck, the boy had only said he didn’t mind it. in fact, he seemed to enjoy your little antics.  

mark realized had no other choice but to take matters into his own hands. so, he sat you down one evening to have a chat with you and he certainly had no problem lying straight to your face.

“donghyuck hates you,” he had said. 

you had stopped stroking your dolls hair to stare at him with eyes as big as saucers. “w-what?” 

“yeah. he told me. he thinks you’re super annoying.” 

and just like that, your little heart had been broken. you remember crying for hours that day and begging your mom to drive you to school so you wouldn’t have to face donghyuck in the mornings. mark even suggested that you avoid him at school too so that he wouldn’t find you anymore unpleasant than he already did. you obeyed and soon enough your trio had broken up.

ever since then, you had stayed in your own lane away from lee donghyuck who, according to your older brother, could not stand you. 

“so... what’s up with you? i feel like it’s been so long since we caught up.” 

you sigh, kicking at a pebble on the sidewalk. “i’m pretty okay.” 

he waits, expecting you to add on. he clears his throat awkwardly when he realizes you’re not going to. you had been so talkative during your childhood, what happened? “oh, that’s good.” 

for the sake of clearing the tension, you force yourself to ask him how he’s doing. “what about you?” 

his face brightens up. “i’m doing good! well, grade-wise no. actually, maybe? i have straight c’s which is technically passing but not super good, you know? but other than, i‘m not bad. i finally tried out for a basketball team. remember how when we were younger i always wanted to play but they told me i was too short?” 

“i remember a lot of things from when we were younger,” you mumble, bitterly. 

he continues, dismissing your comment. “yeah well, i finally grew! i’m actually three inches taller than the average male. isn’t that crazy?” 

you’re not entirely sure how to respond so that you just nod and try to give him the most sincere smile you can muster. “good for you.” 

“hey, didn’t you want to take art classes when we were kids? but your parents made you do ballet instead?” 

you hesitate as the memory registers in your brain. “yeah. i did, actually.” 

donghyuck chuckles. “you were so mad. and then you ended up not even taking it. i’m pretty sure it was because you threw a huge tantrum outside your house.” 

you titter at the embarrassing memory. “i totally forgot about that. you must have a crazy good memory.” 

he shrugs. “kind of. but i think my favorite one has to be when you tried sneaking out of your bedroom window but you fell and ended up with a fractured ankle.” 

your eyes dart to him. “oh my god, how do you know that? did mark tell you? because i swear if he did i’m gonna—”

“it wasn’t him.” 

“then who was it?” 

he suddenly becomes shy. “i, um, heard  you telling your friends about it.” 

“you were eavesdropping?” 

he fiddles with his earring, nervously. “i guess. but i swear it wasn’t to be creepy—”

“sounds pretty creepy to me, donghyuck.” 

he sighs in defeat. “i just wanted to hear your voice.”  

you stumble over nothing. “i’m sorry, what?” 

“you’re never around me anymore,” he says, sounding hurt. “i know you’re avoiding me. and i don’t know why. but i still try to be close to you without upsetting you. i try to meet your eyes when you pass by in the hallway, i try to go by your house as much as i can so i can catch a glimpse of you. but it never works.”  

ever since mark had told you how donghyuck felt about you, you swore to yourself you would stop caring about him. although, at this moment, you can’t help but feel slightly guilty. you try to come to your senses.  

“i thought i was annoying,” you mumble. 

he squints his eyes. “what? who said that?” 

you stop dead in your tracks. “you’re kidding right? you did! you said i was annoying and that you hated me.” 

he stares off into the distance, trying to concentrate. “i really don’t remember saying that to you.” 

“you didn’t. you told mark. mark told me. i never forgot it.” 

“okay, i definitely didn’t say anything like that to mark. the only thing i remember telling him was—“ he stops, abruptly. 

you press further. “what did you tell him, donghyuck?” 

“that i had a crush on you.” 

it takes you a moment to process the words that come out of his mouth. “are you messing with me?” 

he scowls. “no! it took a lot of guts, i remember being so nervous to tell him. i thought he would tell you for me but i guess he said the complete opposite.”  

strangely enough, you believe him. you decide to confess too. “well... i had a crush on you too.” 

now it’s his turn to be stunned into silence. “seriously?” 

“yes! i thought it was so obvious.”  

“i would have never known.” he runs a hand through his hair. “just imagine what would have happened if mark had told either of us how the other felt. why do you think he lied about all that stuff, anyway?”  

“knowing him, he couldn’t stand the thought of his little sister and best friend liking each other so he tried to keep us apart by lying and hoping we’d just forget about each other or something. what an idiot.” 

“jokes on him if he thinks i would forget you. we might’ve been like 12 but i was ready to commit.”

you chuckle. “and how about now? still willing to?” 

he smiles, pearly whites on display. “always.”

##bonus: 

you stop at the front steps of your house, turning to donghyuck and grinning from ear to ear. “well, thanks for walking with me. i’m glad we finally got things sorted out.” 

he nods. “i’ve missed you.” 

you bite your lip. “i’ve missed you, too.”

he ruffles your hair. “you’re still super adorable, by the way.” 

“and you’re still super—“ you run your fingers over the smooth skin of his cheeks before squeezing them. “annoying.”  

he pouts. “that was mean.” 

you place your hands on his shoulders. “sorry, cutie. i couldn’t help it.” 

“make it up to me?” 

“and how would i do that?” 

“it’s just a suggestion but you could maybe put your lips on mine?”

you smile, more than happy to follow through with his instructions. as you lean in, you feel your inner little girl get the best of you. your heart speeds up and you hold your clammy hands together tightly behind his head.

“what is going on here?!” 

you both jump back from each other to face mark standing in the doorway of your house. he wastes no time dashing down the stairs, coming straight for the brunette beside you.

“lee donghyuck, i’m going to strangle you!”

at hearing the pure anger in mark’s voice, donghyuck’s face drops. he presses a quick kiss to your lips. you don’t even have time to feel any form of surprise because before you can even register what was happening, he’s making a run for it with mark right behind him.

[dclsbaby]

mykonos-crossed lovers (part i) 🦋

🎶 playlist for part i

prologue

part ii

part iii

part iv

Summary: When you drunkenly book a girls trip to a tropical Greek island to help mend your broken heart, you would never for a second think it will take you exactly to where he is. Him. A tale of the right person at the wrong time, an overused cliché made into plots of movies you never thought would live through in your reality. Two people, still madly in love with each other, hearts still broken, suppressed by the alcohol and distractions consumed on this trip. Will they let their egos get in the way, protect what’s left of their already broken hearts, or will let their hearts speak?

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: angst?

Author’s Note: hi everyone, thank you so so much for the responses to the prologue! I am so overwhelmed and did not expect to receive so much kindness it makes me wanna cry hahaha 🥺 thank you a thousand times over! and if this is your first time getting to know the fic, I highly suggest you read the prologue before diving into part 1! This chapter is sort of a filler chapter (I know it has 2.6k words lol), it shows how (y/n) have been doing since the break up & how the trip came about, I hope it’ll make sense once you read it 🤍 thanks for reading x

Gif:

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It’s been months since you last spoke to him. Him. The thought of him still hurts. The idea of him existing without you, hurts. As much as you try to fight it, you still remember him like the back of your hand. You could draw on paper the contours of his face by memory, by instinct, like remembering your way home. He was a love you have never experienced before. Something about his magnetism seemed impossible to resist.

You and Dominic broke up nearly half a year ago. Your hopes of an amicable breakup were destroyed by him. His confusion, his anger, his frustration made it impossible for you two to stay friends. He couldn’t even begin to imagine being just a friend to you when his entire heart belongs to you. He called you selfish for leaving, he called you stubborn for having your mind made up without letting him put up a fight when he was ready to battle anyone, even you, to save your relationship.

The first few months were difficult, but the first few weeks were excruciating. You barely ate, as the numbing in the pit of your stomach constantly made you nauseous that your body couldn’t digest anything you ate. You couldn’t bring yourself to shower and get dressed, and spent days laying in bed, wallowing in sadness. Overtime, you just learn to live with the pain.

Since then, you’ve had good days, and slowly but surely stopped faking smiles and replaced them with genuine ones. But your bad days felt like hell, with your mind often teasing you with memories of him that you’ve suppressed enough to compartmentalise, then it comes back to you all at once, and consumes your entire soul. The pain is suffocating, like being crush by tidal waves, leaving you no time to run for shore, the waters dragging you, pulling you in many directions. All you could do was be still, stay paralysed, and pray that it goes away. That’s what remembering him felt like.

Then on other days, you often wonder how you were able to manage all this, with the pain still fresh whenever you think about it, but I guess we’re all guilty of pushing our feelings to the side and pretending that everything’s alright, when it’s the opposite. You’re still alive, despite it all. But you want to live, not just survive.

The truth is, you did not leave because you fell out of love. In fact, you were too in love—it’s a crime. He was your entire life. Days were spent waiting for him to come home from training and matches. Missing him during away games. Your entire happiness depended on him, and that terrified you. You weren’t happy with yourself either, and expected more out of your life. The burden of having a prosperous career, a stable income, a life for yourself that you loved, becoming too heavy to bear. You had all these dreams and goals set for yourself that you never got to actualise so you could be by his side. Your love for him was insurmountable, that you couldn’t accommodate anything for yourself. No matter how hard you tried, you will always put him first. It was natural. Even though he never asked for all your attention, you couldn't simply choose between yourself or him, because you would always choose him. Over and over.

So you did what you had to do, break your own heart, and his, to love yourself.

Since your breakup, you finally moved out of your friend’s place and got yourself a nice two-bedroom flat at the city centre with a stunning view of the city. You landed yourself a job as a junior editor for British Vogue that demands commuting to London several days a week. As you thrive in difficult situations, the breakup forced you to submerge yourself in work, mainly to avoid the pain, but it propelled you to get to where you are.

Trying to get over someone who is in the public eye was a different battle. It seemed as though everywhere you went, he’s there. You see him on billboards, TV screens, his face painted on murals, quickly becoming a tourist site. Occasionally, you would watch his games out of habit, and listen to the prideful Evertonian crowd chant his name. You witnessed his first England senior team debut, and tuned in to England v. Wales on the TV for old time’s sake. You watched him score his first senior England goal behind a screen. Your eyes welled at sight of him living his dream, poaching the ball into the net, scoring the first goal of the game, making his country and family proud. You feel the rush of adrenaline he felt as he ran to his teammates and celebrated. You can’t help but share this sense of pride, as you’ve watched firsthand how hard he has worked to get to where he is.

But on days where he isn’t on your mind, you do not want to be reminded of him. It’s difficult to cope when you encounter pieces of him that takes you back to the worst day of your life, and his.

Like last night, for instance. You had been scrolling on your social media when it was brought to your attention that a magazine had published an issue with your ex on the front cover, spotted on a night out with a blonde you don’t personally know but you could’ve sworn you’ve seen before. Perhaps another one of those so-called “influencers”, you thought to yourself. You know that you have no right to feel jealous or upset, as you broke up with him and this was bound to happen, but selfishly, a part of you had hoped that he wouldn’t find anyone else, or at least not before you did. You’re frustrated at yourself for letting him have this effect on you even months after your break up.

Succumbing to your bad habits, you give in to your impulses and pop open a bottle of red wine to calm your growing anxiety. Two glasses of wine, a takeout, and a season of Gossip Girl later, you find yourself slightly drunk, nerves calmed, and a little drowsy so you quickly change into your satin pyjamas and tuck yourself in bed.

You decide to turn on the TV for some background noise and quickly close your eyes. By some twist of fate, you hear a painfully familiar voice giving his thoughts at the end of a game he’s won. The sheer volume of his voice on the TV causes a sharp pain in your chest as you scramble to reach for your remote in the dark, with your eyes half opened. and change it to anything but a sports channel. That’s it, you thought to yourself. I need to get the fuck away.

Still drunk and not entirely aware of what you’re doing, you reach for your laptop on the nightstand. The brightness made your eyes squint a little bit, but you managed to type out a link and open a travel booking site, and scroll through different pictures of tropical islands you’re longing to get to. Anywhere but here, you thought. You selected options that you thought looked the blue-est, the most expensive, a party town, and had the most five star restaurants.

By the end of it you have booked a return flight to Mykonos for 5 people where you will be staying at a grand, luxurious 5-bedroom villa located at the party central of the island. You couldn’t be bothered to check how much it cost you. All sense of ration gets thrown out the window when you mix heartbreak with alcohol. When you told your friends of what you had just done, it was safe to say that they were surprised but absolutely ecstatic that you have booked a much needed getaway with the girls. With a three-day notice, you all quickly scramble through your closet and go on an online shopping spree to pick out your outfits for the holiday.

***

Days later, you find yourself landing on Mykonos island on a sunny afternoon.

“I can’t believe you’ve managed to pull all this off within days,” your friend says as you all walk through the pebbled entry way of your villa, and open the door. “Holy fucking shit,” another friend says in awe of the sight. The villa was filled with white interior, bright lights, wooden tables that give off beach vibes, and an infinity pool where you could swim as you watch the sunset, with a view of the blue sea. With 5 bedrooms to choose from, your friends collectively decided that you should take the master that had direct access to the pool, which you happily accepted but it wouldn’t matter anyway, as you’ll all probably stay in one room.

Once you’ve unpacked, you pull out your white cardigan and make your way out the terrace to catch a view of the sunset and have a moment by yourself. You take a deep breath of the fresh air with a hint of sea breeze as you try to take in the stunning view of the island. You are filled with gratitude as you bear witness to something so beautiful as you watch the sun sink into the blue Aegean Sea. Despite the peacefulness exuded by the view, your heart can’t help but feel Dom. You remember when he had brought up wanting to spend this exact summer in Mykonos with you, but life had other plans.

***flashback***

Dom was laying in bed with his laptop screen on his chest, an arm to support his head as he scrolled through the travel booking site. He had been looking through different options, but he has his mind set on a lovely town in Greece, Dubai’s overrated after all, he thought.

“Me, you, blue skies, tanned skin, bike rides around town, what do you think love?” asked Dom. “Where’s this?” you ask, moving closer to him as he shows you his laptop screen. “Mykonos. It’s not too far away, I’ll have enough time to rest before pre-season starts,” he replies. “That sounds like a plan,” you smile at him. “But we’ll book it closer to the summer, yeah? In case anything comes up,” you said as you plant a kiss on his cheek. He nods as he bookmarks the site and drifts off to sleep with you shortly after.

Unbeknownst to you, later that night he quietly opened his laptop and quickly booked the trip for you two as a surprise. Anything that will come in the way will just have to be compromised. He was adamant to make sure he gives you the best summer of your life, it is what you deserve after all, he thought.

***

You had forgotten about your conversation with Dom until you stood on the island. Your thoughts were interrupted by your friend’s footsteps. “Hey, you okay babe? You’ve been out here for a while,” she asks with concerned eyes. “I’m alright,” you said. “Or I will be,” you add, giving your friend a forced smile. Your friend wraps her arm around your shoulders as you two make it back inside to have an early and quiet night with the girls, exhausted from all the travel.

***

The next day you woke up a little late, with only several hours to tan before having to get ready for your dinner reservation at one of Mykonos’s famous restaurants that looks over the sea. A little frustrated at yourself for sleeping in, you went to the bathroom to wash your face, put on some light makeup, and change into your swimwear.

You join your friends who are sprawled on the sunbeds. “So, where is this place again?” you asked your friend who booked the dinner. “A restaurant by the sea located at party central babe. Everybody, I mean everybody goes here. They’ve got the best food and music,” she replies. “Think of Mamma Mia 1,” another friend chimes in. Your eyes widen at the imagery. “Better have some great alcohol too, I’m desperate for some,” you laugh. “That’s my girl,” your friend says.

***

By the late afternoon you and the girls are getting ready for dinner. Makeup bags and its contents sprawled on the floor, you had to tiptoe around makeup products and brushes, careful not to step on them. After long deliberation, you decided to dress up in co-ord that hugs your figure and fits you like a glove, paired with your favourite heels, settling for an elegant yet fun look. You decide to keep your hair down and put on some natural makeup to balance out the bold colour. After about 30 minutes of taking pictures of each other and some group photos, you finally made it out the door.

The location was spectacular. The ambience was complemented with bright lights to lighten the dim Mykonos sky that has turned a shade of dark blue, almost purple. The food was divine, a little overpriced for your liking, but it was worth it. The restaurant turns into a nightclub close to midnight, and you and your girls were eager to start your first round of drinks. Fruity drinks were passed around, made with fruits freshly picked from the gardens. Watermelon margarita was your drink of choice, partly sweet, partly sour, and just enough tequila as your first drink of the trip.

The restaurant was packed, you could’ve sworn you had seen a star of a Spanish series you’ve just finished watching on Netflix. The guests were well dressed, many had bravely eccentric taste, mixing patterns and sparkly jewellery, paired with funky footwear to add some flair. In Mykonos, you will not encounter the same judgment as you would walking down the streets back home.

Your friends stood up to dance the second the alcohol kicked in. You took your time, savouring your drink, wanting the night to last. You smile at the sight of your happy friends, so full of life, not giving a single care in the world. As you’re sitting there, observing people, you suddenly feel your chest get heavy. It’s hard to put into words what this feeling is like, but it pushes you to shut down in social settings, overwhelmed by strangers and loud music that makes your ears ring. It is a feeling of unexplained anxiety, where you need a second to correct your breathing, and calm yourself down. Not now, you thought, not here. You often feel these random bouts of emptiness since you left Dom. You try to push the discomfort away, and think of anything else but him. You stood up and walked to the edge of the restaurant by the white border wall to get some fresh air, and take in the view of calm waves under the night sky to collect some peace of mind.

You place your elbows on top of the border, and rest your head on the palms of your hands. A bystander would think that you’re a scene from a movie, a damsel in distress, longing for her love interest. But this was no movie, no fairytale, no knight in shining armour to protect you, no lover to sweep you off your feet.

Or so you thought.

Your focus on the sounds of splashing waves was interrupted by familiar footsteps, getting louder and louder as it creeps its way closer to you. The scent of the sea began to mix with an all too familiar scent of tobacco vanilla. Only one person came to mind. It can’t be, you thought.

“(Y/N)?,” his voice breaks.

It’s him.

[kachinnate]

,,,,okay i know i just said i wasn’t going to talk about the deh movie but actually yeah imma talk about it for just a sec bc y’all actually make me legitimately distressed sajkfndsmjkgds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQ_A0H1otc i dont have the braincells to do a shot by shot analysis right now but here’s what we’re lookin at

under a readmore because ghhhhhhh

firstly, let me lead with this: yes, from what we know, there’s a lot of things wrong with this movie. 

the worst, in my humble opinion, being the bts treatment of the (very few) actors of color, and the lack altogether of any production team members of color. that’s something that should be acknowledged, talked about, and fucking dug into especially at the current fucking period of time we’re living in. it’s unsurprising, but disgusting nonetheless, and it set this movie up for failure from the very beginning. i’m a white person so by no means so i feel inclined or like i have any authority in saying what one should feel wrt all of that, however i will say if there’s to be a boycott in not watching this movie, that should 100% be the reason why. it’s fully poc’s choice whether or not to forgive the production team or give this movie a chance for the irredeemable shit it did in regards to handling the movie’s production. the movie imo definitely doesn’t deserve their forgiveness, but again, that is not for me to say. 

there’s some little things too that i can’t fully think of off the top of my head - like, the whole making larry connor’s stepdad thing fucking irks me, for example, but, like...... listen.

if you know me like at all, you know my favorite word is nuance.

so, i’m going to say it outright: the way you people are approaching this three minute trailer shows literally.... none?? no nuance ??? is it no-nuance november over here or ???? like i’m begging you i’m BEGGING YOU to put aside your pre-determined prejudices against this movie and like stop pretending to be a renowned film critic for ten seconds because it’s really not as outright fucking abysmal as you are saying!! and also it’s possible to have opinions that aren’t completely fucking polarized to one side because guess what, the deh movie? a piece of media! what is the shit y’all are constantly preaching about having the ability to consume media critically ? because you’re trying to cancel a fucking trailer based on the contents of the trailer alone !!!!! hello !!!!!!!!

media is bound to be problematic. if y’all were as quick to judge any movie as you did this one, guess what you wouldn’t be watching any movies like ever <3 

anyway lets get into the parts that are probably going to get me cancelled lmao 

ben platt - listen. LISTEN. listen i know he’s too old to be reprising evan we ALL know he’s too old to be reprising evan i’ve heard this same argument since the announcement was made we get it we all know. haha he’s a grandpa yes bestie ur so right ur so funny wow. i do agree that we should’ve maybe had a not-ben-platt evan moment but here’s some things to keep in mind: the arguments of “oooh ABF is right there !!!!!!” 1. who’s to say he was available? 2. the environment of a movie is so, SO much different than that of a musical -- as much as you wanna pretend you know everything from just a trailer, there’s no way of knowing what scenes were added that might’ve made the movie like.. idk possibly more intense story-wise not even COUNTING the fact that just inherently a movie set is different than a musical one? like yes ben platt might be just being used as a device but that’s probably not the sole and only reason. Also, if i see One (1) more comment about his FUCKING HAIR 😃 first of all it’s not that deep like... if you’re so distracted by an actor having their hair different that’s on you, but going as far as to call it bad or distracting or being like Vehemently a way about it? y’all i know it’s most likely not your intention but that is literally just ben platt’s natural fuckin ETHNICALLY JEWISH hair sajknfgkjds!!!! i’m not the first to make this point, but like dsjnfkjdsg!??! y’all are being so mean about it and for WHAT? again, maybe not intentional, but it reads as like high key Very antisemetic and you should.... maybe not 😳 be that way

connor. the thing about a trailer is that they don’t show you all the scenes because they want you to come see the movie. right? can we agree on that? all the connor scenes in the trailer had SEVERAL hard cuts, omitting a lot of the scene -- like the computer lab scene! we see the beginning of it, there’s a VERY obvious hard cut, and then he’s running out! in my opinion my first watch through of this trailer i had a very like “:// hmm all these actors feel a lil like dry”, but man oh man the comments ive seen about connor. holy shit guys. this boy gets 7 minutes of stage time in the actual musical, and the whole thing is we DON’T KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT HIM. not to burst your bubble, and i by no means hate connor, i love me some good connor lives fics and stuff, but everything we write with connor being alive? that is !! speculation on our part !!!! those are headcanons and us using the little context we have!! connor doesn’t have any significant development IN THE SOURCE MATERIAL that is being adapted into a movie !!! you 1. can’t fully judge a character with already limited screentime in a 3 minute trailer, 2. can’t really call what connor has canonically in the musical as in depth character development !! what is his arc then !!!! he pushes evan, goes to the computer lab, has an outcast loner kid moment, gets upset, takes the letter, DIES. sorry stans, that’s just how it is !! and, AND, everything in between, all the idiosyncracies, that depends on the actor playing connor! speaking of, you know who the actor is playing connor in the movie? that’s right, colton ryan! so, i don’t know, maybe... have some trust in the process, in an actor who ALREADY has played connor on broadway???? and also trust that you will get more connor content then u are seeing from a 3 minute trailer!! dhgnijsdg and some of the comments on like his appearance specifically? like are you really made that he doesn’t have long hair?? they kept his nails and his rings but nahhh the hair was apparently a MUST HAVE (even though like.. not all connor actors on broadway always had/have long hair but w/e).. REGARDLESS. tldr on THAT , the movie would have to do a pretty shitty job if they want to take something from someone who doesn’t have much to begin with and i think y’all are being extremely harsh on this point 

jared. honestly i’m a bit worried too about the like... name change, because it does have the potential to be taking out some representation, but... they did change the name to fit the actor’s ethnicity? it’s a really [hmm] topic because, again, from a trailer and from what we have been told we don’t KNOW a lot of the context, but i think it’s important to remember that uh.. jewish people aren’t just? always white ?? there’s a possibility they changed the last name to fit with the [ethnicity] while keeping him jewish?? ofc there’s the possibility that they Didn’t and ... again hm that’s its own thing altogether but just reiterates the point that you can’t knock a whole movie just based on the trailer. you can’t talk about things you know nothing about. 

alana. same thing as before, you can’t.... completely bash a character based on a 3 minute trailer. there was discussion about how she seemed ‘shy’ when talking to evan, which like.. maybe she is but also that scene was them talking in a library like if u actually take notice of what’s happening in the scene jdskngsd though i do share the general consensus with many others that she won’t get a lot of screen-time but that’s neither here nor there 😔 moving on

scenes and the setting. one of the things i was most like.. tentative about in regards to a switch from a musical to a movie was how they were like... going to do certain scenes? naturally, a lot has to be different when we’re going from a minimal stage set to an entire movie with like.. settings. there are going to be new scenes because a movie lends to have like, physical places that aren’t just [evan’s bedroom] and [murphy kitchen] and [implied school]. so new scenes, new conversations, slightly different pacing.. this is all to be expected right like are y’all geneuinely surprised here or ........

there’s a lot we aren’t seeing yet because this is a TRAILER. again i already mentioned this re: connor but like... again, y’all are making some Claims that just... fucking outlandish. there are so many moments in the trailer that are very obvious Hard Cuts. you don’t have all the information yet. you are angry at a tiny fragment of something that is confusing you because you don’t have all the context. is there a chance that some of this shit is just genuinely Bad? yeah but you really cannot 100000% say it with your chest and gauge it without seeing the movie and understanding what that scene is in context. lowkey uhhh saw some jokes about the zoe scene in the car and :’))) ? jesus? christ????

concluding thoughts because my brain hurts but like. you don’t have to like the movie. you don’t have to WATCH the movie. like all media if you choose to consume the movie you should do so with some CRITICAL THOUGHT. but, just like the novel (and i do not want to have any discussions about that i don’t care if you think it’s good Or bad that’s not what this is about) you guys are going in this WANTING to believe it’s bad and completely polarizing your thoughts on what this is going to be. yeah, maybe there shouldn’t be a movie. i genuinely think we could’ve gone without. but it’s just a piece of media, it’s not a progression like all your (musical is good, novel is bad, MOVIE IS WORSE OH NO) posts are suggesting. they are all just. different pieces of media stemming from a source. at the end of the day it’s just a fucking movie. if you already hate it so much, guess what? you don’t have to watch it! you don’t have to put so much needless fucking hate into a 3 MINUTE TRAILER. you can stop being performative and dissing it for its poor treatment of POC while then going on to make fun of ben platt’s hair and just targeting a different group like! please !!!

i’m not trying to be a fuckin’ advocate for this movie because there’s so much opportunity for it to suck, i do Not have high hopes for it, and i’m not even really sure i want to watch it (i bought the novel when it came out and have yet to read it, and i’m sure the movie will like.. elicit very similar vibes from me lsdngjkdsg like im just not uhhh feeling it) but y’know what? watching the trailer did not bring forth the fucking onslaught of hatred in me that apparently has fuckin posessed all of y’all and like djnsgjksdg plagued my dashboard for this whole evening. don’t come into my inbox trying to like.. argue with me about this (preemptively im turning off anon because i like i Can’t lmao) this is just like... a rant i needed to get out of me real quick. 

SO. tldr for now: have critical thought about shit you consume, there’s no ethical consumption under [the film industry], you can’t judge a movie entirely on its trailer, and y’all need to calm the fuck down