#and they said it wouldnt be a fucking problem. well guess what.

[seokmn]

LONELY DANCERS

pairing: vernon x gn!reader

wc: 1.1k words

warning: mentions of drinking and kissing

lua’s notes: 100% inspired by this conan’s banger. there you go my vernon lover @k1eev enjoy dancing with him 💋💋

“no- seungkwan, you dont understand. i simply cannot find soojin!” vernon said on the phone. the music was blasting, and he was not only looking but walking around the unknown house, taking a good look at every person that was surrounding him. “its like she disa-“ he cut himself off, “found her. seungkwan, ill talk to you later.”

vernon ended the call with his friend and just stood there watching his date from afar while she was kissing another guy. he clenched his jaw and kept looking like he couldnt take his eyes off of her and the guy she was basically swallowing in front of everyone at that party.

suddenly everything started to slow down and the music started to die. and still, he was there staring at the girl, the girl who was supposed to be his for the night – and, at least he thought, for a really long time. his surroundings only seemed to get back to normal when he felt a tap on his shoulder, he looked to his side and saw someone smiling at him.

“is one of them your crush? youre staring at them for a while now” you said as you got close to his ear so the music wouldnt be a problem for him to listen to you. vernon looked at you, not knowing if he should tell you the truth or not. “i suppose it is” you said when you noticed he wasnt going to tell you and chuckled. in response, he only gave you a quick smile, feeling a bit embarrassed.

“its okay! if that makes you feel better, my boyfriend broke up with me tonight. youre not the only one who got dumped here”

“sorry to hear that” he said, not exactly knowing what to say since that fact didnt make him feel better at all, but he still wanted to be polite. "im yn, by the way.”

“im vernon” he smiled, his shy smile made you smile as well. “wanna join me for the night? or do you wanna keep staring at them like a creepy?”

“do i look like a creepy?” you looked at his worried expression and nodded, “you have no idea how much. cmon, lets get you a drink.”

you took his hand and walked towards the crowded kitchen. “you down for some vodka and cola?”, he looked around before looking back at you, “sure, why not?”. you smiled and served him the drink before making one for yourself as well.

“so… is it the girl or the guy?”. he took a sip of his drink, looking at it and nodding with his lips curled downward, a signal that he liked the drink, before responding “the girl”

“was she your girlfriend?”

“no, we were more like a fling, but i thought things were getting serious. looks like i was wrong” you groaned and looked at him, “thats the worse. im sorry to hear that.”

vernon just shrugged his shoulders and kept drinking while you were still looking at him, wanting to keep the conversation going, but not knowing how to. “my boyfriend… well, ex boyfriend,” you chuckled bitterly before continuing, “and i were dating for four months. i guess its not too much, but i certainly didnt see the breakup coming, specially right before coming here”. you sighed, “guess our love life will have a different path from now on”

vernon nodded and was about to speak before you cut him off, “you know what? forget those assholes, they dont know love and honestly? i hope they die. so you should get back up, cuz by the end of the week we’ll be alright! youre a very good looking guy, im sure youre hella interesting and im good looking and interesting as hell! we dont need them! fuck them!” you said as you started to tear up from anger. you took a deep breath and smiled at vernon. “i gotta dance or else ill cry. wanna join me?” you looked at him with hope in your eyes.

“yea, lets dance”, he didnt even finish his sentence and you were already dragging him back to the living room and starting to dance to the song that was playing. at first, vernon was a little bit shy of dancing in front of everyone, but his shyness was slowly dying as he saw how carefree you were while dancing like there was no tomorrow, like no one was around you two. soon enough, the two of you were having the time of your lives, dancing like it could save you from a heartbreak or even save your lives and it really felt like it could save you from any worries or danger.

your movements started to slow down as both of you started to get a little tired from dancing. you were smiling as you looked at vernon, his smile making you smile even wider. it felt like there was only you and him in that moment, your heart was beating fast and you couldnt tell if it was because of all the dancing or if it was because of him standing right in front of you.

the euphoria you were feeling was too intense. you kept looking at vernon, it was clear that he was getting tired, but he continued dancing anyway, enjoying his time and forgetting about his ex date’s existence. once he finally made eye contact with you, you didnt think twice – actually, you didnt even think – and leaned forward, your lips meeting his.

you felt your heart beating even faster once you felt his soft lips in contact with yours. you broke the kiss right after you got back to earth and thought about what you were doing. “oh my god im so sorry i didnt mean to! i mean… yeah, maybe i did but its just because i thought the moment was ri-“ vernon cut you off by kissing you, placing his hand on your cheek when you started to kiss him back. you couldnt tell if your body relaxed or got even more excited when he kissed you, all you could tell was that you were enjoying it and that his kiss was out of this world.

when he broke the kiss he looked at you, who was looking at him like he committed a crime by pulling his lips away from yours. he looked around before looking back at you, “i know a better place than this crowded house, wanna go with me?”

you smiled and nodded, “sure, this party is kinda lame anyway”. he chuckled and nodded, fixing his cap before placing his hand on your lower back and leaving the party with you.

[gamblersdoll]

𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐄 𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐓 𝐒𝐀𝐘 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄

a snippet of what could have been a good story.

angst at first, attempted assault, p in v, hate sex

“you always like to start some shit when it doesn’t go your way.” toji seethed, eyes glaring into yours as he looms over you. “you act like i wanted any of this to happen.”

“really? i couldn’t fuckin’ tell.” you spit back, arms folded and glaring right back at him.

he sucks his teeth, his arms shaking and heart racing with rage, anxiety, animosity. “always talkin’ about my faults, we never talk about yours.”

“oh really? what the fuck is my problem?” you ask, finally looking up to him and becoming chest to chest. you point your finger into his chest, rage flowing into you. “we talk about your faults because you have many more than i do.”

“well for starters, you bitch and whine all the time.” he gets closer, chest pressed to yours. “you talk alot of shit as if you have room to qualify.”

“because i do qualify, toji!” you bark, agitation flowing over you. “maybe i talk shit because you left me in the fucking dust as if what we had was nothing to you!”

“we were teenagers stuck in a fucking clan.” he deadpans, raising his own voice. “if you mean that little ‘relationship’ you think we had, i would just say we were fucking each other. nothing more or less than that.”

just fucking huh?

“you bastard— you said that you were in love with me!” you remind, a snarl coming from your throat.

“bitch- i was sixteen!” he shouts, his hands shaking more and hes growing more irritated, more anxious the longer this conversation goes. “you act like i cheated on you or something— we werent together!”

“and yet you promised me you would be better, that you wouldnt be an asshole— but look at you!” you slap the backs of your hands on his chest, watching his eyebrow twitch. “youre no better than the fucking clan!”

“the fuck did you say?” he asks, dumbfounded.

“oh, i gotta break it down for you? youre no better than a fucking zenin, because thats all you will ever fucking be!”

he blinks for a second, his brain allowing him to process the information and he swiftly raises his hand, quickly stopping himself before his palm reached your face. he grits his teeth, staring down at you.

“do it, i fucking dare you toji.” you warn, watching his eyes.

he breathes deeply, his hand wrapping around the back of your neck to pull you in for a deep kiss. a kiss you havent had since he left you in a empty house, that the clan had left you to essentially die in. you, still shaking, embrace the kiss as he forced his way inside of your mouth.

“sometimes,” he says in between kisses, “i really despise you.” he finalizes, hands all over you and his lips at your neck, a hand on your hip and a hand on your breasts.

“can say the same for you.” you retort, your hands tugging on the back of his hair and he groans.

the fact you remember he likes that… surprised him.

your back his the bed, eyes looking up to toji and moaning as he suckles on a hardened nipple, and a hand spreading your legs apart. the air fans against your bare clit, making you shiver.

hes gotten bigger, over the years. sure, he was a good size when he was younger with you, taller, a bit bulky, but now? hes massive— not mentioning his cock grew, too.

he aligns himself with your entrance, and you grab his shoulder. “if you think im wet enough for you to slam the whole thing in, we can call it quits.”

he stares at you for a second, face straight and his hands holding yours down. “if you want this to feel good, better ask properly.”

you suck your teeth, a heat coming to your face. “please, give me some kind of lube before you go in.”

“thats much better.” he sarcastically replied, sliding down to pull your knees apart, his breath fanning your clit and you jump slightly. he stops, looking up to you. “i havent even touched your little pussy, yet.”

“shut up..”

“guess you havent had any action in a minute, huh?” he asks, but doesn’t care for a response. he licks at your clit, a thumb hooking down inside your cunny and he suckles the nub of nerves.

you roll your eyes in bliss, hand going into his hair and you forget to tug at it, him reminding you to do so with your pussy in his mouth. his wet muscle slips inside, fidgeting with your folds and suckling at anything he can. “think ‘yer all prepped, now.” he gruffs, pulling himself back up to align with just you.

you silently wish he wouldve kept going, a hiss from both of you as he sinks inside of your velvety walls and you sit there for a moments time.

he stares down at you, eyebrows furrowed and he breathes heavier. his hands are already sweaty, but he pulls his hips back and pushes them forward in a agonizingly slow pace. he grits his teeth again, a groan in his mouth as he sinks deeper and deeper with each thrust.

your hands travel up his back, feeling the old scratches on his back you gave him all those years ago. theyve healed, feeling the slight scar tissue over his skin and you moan when he hits a new spot.

fuck you, toji.

and you scratch over the same ones, he groaning when you do so and his head drops. “fuck— you fucking bitch.” he breathes out, enduring the pain for the most part, but it still feels so good to him..

you feel good to him.

he grabs your throat, pulling you up and kissing you. his knees support him up, you being pulled along with him and him holding you in his lap, fucking up into your womb and swallowing your moans.

“toji..” you breathe out, you trying to hide your face into his shoulder, but he pulls you back as his hips start to bully their way into your walls. “toji..”

“this what youve been wanting again, right?” he asks, slamming you back onto the bed and his head goes to your neck, biting and kissing the tender flesh as he holds your hips down. “cum for me, fucking cum.” he growls his demands, his jaw dropping when he feels your pretty pussy clamp down and spasm around his length. “fuck yeah,” he groans, his big arms pulling your legs onto his shoulder as he puts himself into a new angle.

“to-toji!” you cry out, hands patting at his chest in a retort. “fuck— fuck!”

“uh huh.. me too.” he moans, pushing himself closer to you. your hamstrings burn, the stretch of him pushing your knees to your chest, just so he can get deeper makes you squirm. “fuck, gettin’ close.” he moans out, eyes rolling and he pulls himself away from you. hot, thick ropes spurt onto your thighs, him breathing heavy all the meanwhile.

you pulled your shirt back over your head, pulling the clothing down and he coughs. “you know.. i didnt have a choice in leaving you or not.” he starts off, his voice a little softer. “i truly didnt.”

you don’t respond, just focused on getting dressed while you try and think of something to say. “why did you leave?” you ask, of all things.

“im still not sure as why.” he responded, peering over to you. he licks the scar over his lip, a nervous tick. “yo can ask whatever you want.”

“why did you hunt me down?” you ask, something that had been eating at you ever since he found you a few days back.

he feels his heart pang, a deep breath. “..i uh—“ he tries to say, not too sure how to put it, other than what it is. he sighs, just saying to hell with sugarcoating it. “i.. fell in love with a woman.”

you stop all motion, your heart sinking to the pit of your ass and you turn to look at him. “what the fuck.”

“i know. its..” you cut him off, anger fueling your bones and blood.

“you track me down for years just to scream at me and then get your dick wet, just so you can tell me you fell in love with a woman?” you put plainly, because thats what he did, to the tea.

“better than me not telling you.” he rolls his eyes, pulling his jeans back up. “what the fuck do you want me to do?”

you both bicker back and forth, ending words off with ‘fuck yous’ and him storming off.

why did it have to be her and not you? why was she the one that healed you and what made you crumble at the same time?

[billkaulitzwife]

The Outsiders Coping With a Breakup

(ps guys im not over it leave me alone(i also watched the notebook and i hate myself))

Ponyboy

Reading or writing.

How could you ever hurt this little freshman boy he‘s such a sweetheart

He would probably silently cry into a pillow until he thought his lungs were about to collapse or cave in

if this was now … he‘d chain smoke and listen to lana del rey while looking out a moonlit window

he definitely listens to Elvis to get over it.

I don’t know what exactly he would read to get over it but probably some sad ass Edgar Allan Poe. Annabelle Lee lookin ass.

He‘d write the most heart breaking

tear dripping

heavy breathing sad poetry ever.

show him a romance novel.

he’d never stop reading them until he got over it.

just the bare thought of it drives him nuts.

so he reads.

Johnny

if you hurt this man he would probably hurt himself.

he would dream bout it and wake up in cold sweats, tears running down his face.

in all honesty

i think he‘d be artistic with it

he’d somehow turn each and every single tiny thought into something about you

whether it be thinking about a teddy bear then contorting it into nothing but an image of you and him.

he would never be able to look at the places you went together the same.

he would be an artist.

hand him a pencil and he’ll make your heart break and ache.

might etch and sketch on himself to see if you still care.

ps you obviously do.

Dallas

Doesn’t know how.

All this man does is sleep, drink, fuck, repeat.

being honest this manwhore is probably gonna screw every hoe in Tulsa to try and get his mind off of it,

but every path leads back to what he knows best.

he would smoke more,

party more,

drink away all his problems, etc before facing a problem head on.

people may see him as this

uhh

violent gang member hoodlum kid guy man

but deep down hes really just a kid who wishes he couldve given his momma one more hug

a kid that needed to be loved.

a kid that was never taught how to be loved.

Adelaide

crier.

she’s a big ol’ crier, but it doesnt matter since thats not the only way she copes.

she loves to paint and puts every emotion into her paintings.

she may’ve become a kleptomaniac since she needs the supplies.

the curtis boys would

PERSONALLY

kill you if anything happened to her

one heartbreak and shes done for

love? whats that? it isnt real?

dont hurt her no matter what.

she would also turn to cigarettessss (as if she doesnt smoke enough).

adelaide would develop stage five lung cancer before even admitting that love could in the slightest exist anymore.

Sodapop

working.

soda seems like the kinda guy to go through a breakup and cry a lot

but the only thing that really helped was work.

he’d probably get a raise

yk with how hard and how much he’d be working to get over it.

his siblings would warn him about not overworkimg himself

and guess what.

he didnt listen and got really sick from all the stress.

i know for a fact he would keep away from cigarettes even if someone said they help and he believed it

he would only ever listen to the radio

hoping and praying that when he’d hear a love song he‘d hear your voice

Darrell

probably the most sane of everybody while dealing with his bs

he wld obviously be heart broken

but not to the point he needed some insane coping mechanism.

he would probably meditate.

i mean this is the sixties cmon he’s either gonna do wxxd

or meditate.

as soon as a thought of you came up and his mind started to panic he would sit on the couch and

well.

relax.

he probably has the healthiest coping mechanism he’s definitely got his life together

the others are jealous as fuuuuck

Steve

bro wouldnt eat.

every time he thought about the breakup

he thought it was because he was strong enough

or that he was too chubby for his girl.

one time he passed out while on the way to work and the gang freaked out so bad

they couldnt take him to the hospital so they carried him home and stuck a juice box in his mouth

eventually his ass woke up and they all cheered like the war had just ended “HIP HOORAY!”

but then in all seriousness

he needed to get his weight back up so the curtis kids make him eat at their house

even if he says he ate.

theres always snacks for him laying around thay house from then on out

Two-Bit

drinking.

do i have to explain.

in the novel pony said two-bit was famous for shoplifting and his black-handled switchblade…

but for some reason i know he wouldnt shoplift any more.

(he sure did teach adelaide how to tho)

along with his love for “shopping” you gotta remember he’s a heavy alcoholic

he’d drink away all of his problems and thoughts until he blacked out.

his buddies would think its just your average keith

but in all reality he’s really struggling

even though he seems like the usual drunk happy joking guy

HE IS HURTTT.

okay thanks for watching todays vlog

if u ever need to vent please dont be scared to message me bruv im sure Ik how to help.

[pabit]

Hi, its Patrick speaking.

Michael somehow locked up both of the camera creeps in the bathroom. I guess they were freaking him out while he was repairing the door or some shit? The footage is pretty much useless, which is a bit irritating…but I’ve transcribed the audio for you all here. I think its crucial to provide the full word-for-word conversation.

----

> welp…the hole has been patched. i will have to replace the entire door eventually but um, this will work for right now.

> …

> uh…

> ......

> habit?

> …YES?

> are you...upset about what i said earlier?

> WHAT? NO NO…IM FINE. > don’t even worry about it.

> …you’re lying.

> no i’m not—

> habit…i may be mentally unwell, but im not stupid. i know that look in your eyes. i know that tone in your voice. ive seen it all before - i was practically raised on the sadness of my institutionalized peers.

> IS THAT HOW YOU SEE THE HABIT? AS ONE OF THOSE PATHETIC FUCKING CRAZY HUMANS?

> ah…i wouldnt describe them that harshly but i mean, basically yeah? > they are just people with problems man…many of whom have done some fucked up things, patrick and myself included. mostly though, they are kinda just…sad. Because they keep fucking up, or getting fucked up, and they dont know how to stop it. evidently you are not much different from them or myself in that way

> so uh— i just wanna say that i’m sorry for my behavior. i was being a jackass and it was uncalled for. i wanted to believe you deserved that and much worse but…i dunno. spewing blind hatred like that doesnt sit right with me.

> ….... > no. don’t apologize.

> what? why not?

> nothing you said was inaccurate nor unjustified, michael. why be sorry about that?

> because, uh…you apologized to me first? an' well, thats unlike you. at least, its unlike whatever i thought of you before today. maybe patrick is onto something…and maybe i was little too quick to judgment.

> HA…ARE YOU SURE YOURE NOT STUPID? I’VE DESTROYED MORE THAN JUST YOUR DOOR. I KILLED—

> i know. i know. and i dunno if i’ll ever truly forgive you for taking my brother away…but like. i also can recognize the value of an apology. it’s a good start, if you really mean it.

> …

> do you mean it, habit? are you actually sorry?

> I HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN FROM LYING TO YOU.

> sure– unless you think appeasing me is what will keep yourself from being kicked out and left to die alone

[HABIT laughs]

> I’D BE A MORON TO SINCERELY BELIEVE THAT. YOU AND PATRICK HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BAR ME FROM THIS PLACE, AT ANY TIME, FOR ANY REASON. I ACCEPT THAT. I WOULD DESERVE IT. AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER…I WILL DIE WITH ALL OF MY REGRETS RIGHT BESIDE ME.

> I APOLOGIZED BECAUSE, WELL…I BELIEVE YOU DESERVE ONE, WHILE I STILL HAVE THE TIME TO GIVE IT. ONE LESS REGRET TO TAKE TO THE GRAVE, EH? > there is no other reason.

> you believe i deserve an apology, huh...

> ERRR…YEAH. > I CANT PRETEND LIKE I FULLY UNDERSTAND ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH MY ACTIONS HAVE AFFECTED YOU…BUT UM...

> YOU LOST SOMEONE DEEPLY IMPORTANT TO YOU. I HAVE LOST SOMEONE RECENTLY TOO. AND UH, IT…HURTS. IT HURTS AND IM THE ONLY MONSTER TO BLAME. > IF THE PAIN I LIVE WITH NOW IS EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO WHAT I’VE DONE TO YOU…THEN YES…i am sorry.

> I KNOW THAT WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AND WONT FIX A DAMN THING...SO THROW ME OUT, IF YOU MUST. I WILL GO WITHOUT QUESTION.

> …

> …

> …

> …WELL?

> ...... . . . . . .........

> MICHAEL?

> …ugh…uh, hey…habit.

> ERR— PATRICK?

> heh…you got it…

> sorry im…still a bit fuzzy upstairs at the moment.

> UM. OKAY. SIT DOWN THEN?

[I flopped into the couch next to Habit, kinda bracing against him to ground myself.]

> SO UM– > IS MICHAEL ALRIGHT?

> Michael…? Oh right. > He’s fine.

> …THAT'S ALL? JUST FINE?

> Ugh– dude my head is killing me right now, gimme a break…

> OH. SORRY.

> Its– its okay, Habit. This is nothing out of the ordinary, really…it happens pretty often when I come around.

> AH…

> Anyways, ummmm…yeah! > Michael is fine. Processing everything, but he's fine. I won't go into more detail though…it's not really my place to talk about his feelings about you, after all. He will come back to say what he needs to when he is ready.

> AND IF HE IS NEVER READY…? IF HE WANTS ME GONE?

> Luckily for you, Mikey doesn't have the only say in that matter. You still have me, Habs – and I want you to be here.

> ................

----

Habit didn't say anything else after that, so thats when I decided to get up and let the creeps out of the bathroom. Now I'm in the kitchen; finishing up this post and waiting for this batch of cookies to bake. I'm just trying to give Hab's brain a moment to catch up with itself, y'know? You know. Whatever. Hopefully the sweets will lighten the mood. I promise I wont eat them all this time, heh.

It also appears that I have missed some interesting bits of insight while out of the house today, so I will check back in later once I am better informed and Habit has gotten a few dozen cookies in his stomach.

[ask] >>

[mattsgirlie]

never existed part 2- chris sturniolo x fem! reader

warnings: mentions of cheating, soft dom!chris, angst, mentions of drinking and smut.

word count: 3000 (sorry)

My relationship with Matt was honestly far better than it was two months ago, after i completely ended things with Chris, Matt and I became official and got a chance to get it right.

That didn't stop Chris from staring at us across the room with a pathetic entitled attitude like he knew something we didn't every time he was around, which was barely since he was jumping from party to party every night.

Matt didn't quite understood why his brother became so constantly bitter and mad towards everyone, especially the two of us but thought he was just going through a phase.

Nick even shared his theory about Chris being in love with someone and i laughed, "As if he was capable of that" was my answer.

Matt is out tonight and i just chose to stay home with Nick watching movies. Nick is my best friend since middle school and hiding from him what happened between me and Chris made me almost lose it.

"I know it was before you and Matt became official but it doesn't make it less fucked up girl. I love you and i'm sorry but i can't back you up on this one, you gotta tell Matt"

Nick said from the other side of the couch and i nodded in agreement knowing he was fully right.

"I know but i was- Well i am so scared, me and Matt are finally working out....but yeah i have to tell him, i can't base our relationship on a lie"

"What about Chris?"

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"Do you feel something for him or was it just casual?" He asked trying to understand the full picture and i sigh heavily.

"I can't say i haven't thought about it but Chris was always more of a friend with benefits type of thing, he is not the guy to catch feelings i guess"

"I don't know about that...i always saw the way he looked at you and talked about you, and now that you told me this it kinda makes sense with this attitude problems" Nick said frankly, concerned about his younger brother.

"Nah, he probably is just mad he lost a fuck buddy that's all..." I try my best to brush it off but his words actually got me thinking

He simply agreed and we switched topics as he noticed i was uncomfortable, plus we had a lot of catching up to do. We decided to put on classic disney movies and stay up all night like old times.

Already 2 movies in my phone rings with the name "Christopher" bright on the screen and it took me a minute thinking if i should even read it after almost three months without us having a proper conversation.

Christopher: my room rn

Christopher: its urgent

Christopher: i wouldnt text you if it wasnt and yk it

My hands are shaking at this point as i almost immediately stand up, i know he is right he would never text me if it wasn't important.

"Be right back, bathroom" I mumbled in a hurry, not even waiting for Nick to say anything back as i make my way up to Chris' room.

I knock two times and get no answer back, i stand there in silence for a while until i hear him mumbling a "Come in".

I walk in to see Chris on the floor with his back leaning on the foot of the bed, the lights were all off except for the LED in purple.

Chris had some empty bottles badly hidden under the bed and he looked half drunk, his phone was tossed on the carpet with our chat opened.

He looked deadened, his expression was dull as i ran to him "Chris what the fuck happened??"

"You happened" was what he answered almost immediately whilst i stood there astonished "What is that even supposed to mean?"

He looked up at me and i swallowed a lump of air, he didn't even say a word.

"You called me here, what did you want?" i insisted as i sat next to him still apprehensive and confused

"I wanted to tell you something but first i gotta ask you a question, after that you can go back to pretending i never existed or whatever"

His voice was raspy and bitter, not like usually because this time i could tell he was truly hurt "You know it's not that simple, Chris"

I say feeling the guilt wash me over "Yeah, your relationship is great you don't need me anymore, i see it pretty simply actually" He adjusted his posture still sounding mad.

"Ask your question, Christopher" I look him in the eyes getting equally angry trying to find a way out of that topic.

"Why'd you chose him?"

I was stunned for a second but answered the first thing that came to mind "You never said choosing you was an option"

Chris looks at me in genuine surprise like he didn't expect that to be my answer, carefully thinking about his next words.

"So would you? If you thought it was an option?" He asked low, almost shyly which surprised me to say the least as i grew just as angry as him with his question about an impossible case scenario.

"Don't put me in this position Chris you know it's fucking complicated. I'm with Matt now and we are finally making it work and i don't wanna-"

"He doesn't deserve you" he cuts me mid sentence growing angrier and impatient.

"What do you know about deserving? You always treated me like i was your fuck toy and when i get the chance to be happy for once you come back with this"

"You were my fuck toy? Are you actually being serious right now? If anything you would only text me when you wanted to fuck away all the shit he put you through, not the other way around"

At this point Nick could probably hear us shouting but that wasn't our main concern as i felt my face go red considering his words.

"When i first came into this room i was looking for a friend that i really saw in you, one thing lead to another and i'm so sorry it happend that way but now i am truly happy why can't you just fucking accept that??!"

"It's not a matter of accepting is just that-"

"What Chris? Just say it already!"

"He is cheating on you" He half shouted again looking down to his lap and to me as he kept going "He has been for a long time now and he probably is as we speak"

I had no words. When i used to go to Chris for a casual thing i knew with Matt i wasn't the only one either just the main, although we fought a lot and had disagreements he seemed genuine when he asked me to be his real girlfriend two months ago and promised everything would be different.

"Does he know about me and you?" I said in an indescribable tone and Chris looked up again checking for any signs of reaction "I don't think so"

"And i felt fucking guilty for not telling him while he had a side bitch all along" I laughed in disbelief.

I went under his bed getting a full bottle and opening it without warning "What the fuck are you doing??"

"How long did you know about that?" I ask back, drinking straight from the bottle as he looked at me with concern then grabbed his phone going through his camere roll.

"Since last night for sure but i've been suspecting for a while. We went out together and he started making out with this girl that said she was his 'close friend' out of nowhere, i even had to uber home"

He shows me a photo where she is sitting on his lap in some photobooth at a random party.

"He thought i was too drunk to notice but they seem to go a long way, i figured you should know" He sounds calmer now, even subtly sweet "Hey go easy with that" He warns about the drink.

"Stop acting like you care" I chuckle ironically whilst standing up and he follows me "If i didn't care about you i wouldn't even have told you about this, have you thought about that?"

"If i didn't care about you i wouldn't have fought with my own brother for being a shitty boyfriend to you today" He walked towards me and i felt my limbs go numb.

"I wouldn't have you in my room when you guys would fight although i was only hurting my own feelings in return because i loved you so damn much since then"

Our faces are now inches apart, his eyes are pitch black and i couldn't breathe for a second "Did you just say you loved me?"

He goes silent again, he breaths heavily starting to walk away and i follow.

"Don't turn your fucking back on me Christopher i asked you a question, did you mean it?"

"Yeah i did but does it change shit?" He turns back around and i see his eyes getting teary "I love you and it's fucking hard cause i never loved anyone before and you don't love me back how am i supposed to feel?"

This is the most serious he has ever sound in his life and it hurts me to see how genuine his feelings are.

"But you always acted like it was no big deal when we were together. Chris, we barely even talked once we started to mess things up" I realized my bad wording once i saw him trying to hide his tears starring down the carpet.

"So that's all i was to you? Just a fucking slip huh?" his voice cracked and he turned back in a deep breath.

"Chris...listen to me" I get closer, facing him as i place my hands on his shoulder.

"Theres too much going on right now but i need you to understand that you meant- ...you mean a lot to me, you were always there for me since middle school and i always loved and admired you"

We are both tearing at this point and i see his expression softening.

"You were never just a slip, you're one of my favorite persons and i don't know what i would've done if Matt didn't introduce me to you and Nick back then and God i just-" He wipes my tears away delicately.

"You're not gonna pull the 'i wish i met you earlier' shit are you?" He jokes and i sigh in relief since this is the nicest we have been to each other in a long time.

"Im not the girl for this and you know it" i joke back and he smiles slightly "I just wish this whole thing wasn't so fucked up"

"Tell me about it, has been the main thing in my mind since the last time you were here" Chris looks at the bed then at me as if he was reminiscing.

"I missed you a lot when i left but it really thought it was for the best....if i knew this was how it would end i-"

"You would stay?" He asked seriously.

I take a minute to consider my answer, my brain still trying to sink in all the information.

"Yes....i would've stayed" We are now dangerously close, my hands around his shoulders and his are cupping my cheeks as our noses almost brush and i can feel his breath.

"So stay now" He holds me closer by my waist and i gasp at his sudden move "Be mine now, please"

And with that our faces gravitate towards each other's like it was meant to be, noses brushing and lips connected passionately.

Right here it feels so right for both of our dizzy broken hearts as we finally found the comfort we both so seeked for in others.

We sloppy moved towards the bed never breaking the kiss and soon i was on top of him while grabbing his hair.

"Do you want me to be all yours?" I asked straddling him as my hands moved to cup his cheeks.

"Thats all i need, please i want all of you" He pleaded holding my hips and i was surprised to see the change in his demeanor but that didn't mean i was fully enjoying it.

We kiss again this time more eagerly whilst our clothed hips rock against each other seeking friction "You have me, baby"

And with that Chris possessivly groans, he then trailed kisses down my neck and collarbone "I never got a chance to mark you up, now i can show everyone that you're mine, no one elses"

He explained while marking that one sweet spot which causes me to moan. My hands find their way under his shirt, my fingernails now scratching his back just as territorial as Chris and he chuckles.

"We're re such a lost cause" he mumbles as he moves to take off both our shirts.

"We so are" i chuckle getting up to remove the sweatpants i had on and he smiles.

"What? theres nothing here you haven't seen before" i joke taunting he just grabs my hips pulling me towards him.

"Its 'cause i know i will be the only one seeing this from now on"

He looks up at me as im still standing, pressing a gentle kiss on my lower stomach going down my thighs causing me to chuckle.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Chris affirmed almost immediately as his hands trailed up to remove my panties, kissing and worshiping my whole body as he did so.

It was different then any other time we had sex. It was intimate, not just two bodies but actual feelings involved still just as eager.

"What d'you want me to do princess? want me to kiss you here huh?" he kissed my inner thigh and my hands move to grab his hair as i whimpered.

"Want me to eat you out? make you cum in my tongue over and over again?" And he started doing so causing me to gasp.

"Yes... Chris! doing so good for me hm" He looks up at me lustfully flicking his tongue.

"So fucking wet for me...you have no idea how much i missed this." He groans between my legs and i whine.

"I-mhpm...I do! I missed this too fuck i missed the way you make me feel" I confess and he stops his movements suddenly getting up to kiss me again.

"Now you have me, baby and i'm not about to let you go ever again" He moves us over to the bed again, this time removing his sweatpants and underwear.

Stroking himself a feel times he hums over me "Ready?" He asked positioning between my legs.

"Wait! can you grab your phone for me baby?" I ask and he frowns confused but does it anyway handing it to me unlocked.

"Im ready now love" I smile devilishly and he does the same as he starts to push his dick inside me in deep slow thrusts, the room filled up with our moans as i sloppy try to find a specific number on his phone.

"Fuck....Chris! Right there, oh my god! Faster please please" I plea as i feel he hit the right spot clenching around him i feel him throb.

"Baby i wont last longer if you keep saying my n-name and tightening around me like that" He tilts his head back but quickly looks back at me when he hears his phone ringing.

"Don't worry about it, just lay on your back, can you do that for me?" I say before he can even think of an answer and we switch positions, me being now on top of him, sinking down my hips.

"Im going to ride you and all you have to do is be as loud as you can okay?" I start bouncing up and down and he just nods with his eyes shut feeling the pleasure.

"Matt! Finally...mhp W-where are you baby?" I say with difficulty due to my moves and I see Chris confused whisper shouts a 'what are you doing?!' and i put it on speaker.

"Im...out with friends like i told you, wait why are you calling from Chris's phone?" He asked confused and i just roll my eyes passing the phone to Chris, winking

"Hm...hey bro s-she fuck! she is busy right now but i can answer that one" He moans getting the message as i go faster and faster.

"What the fuck are you two doing? Give her the phone i wanna talk to my girlfriend" Matt says impatiently on the other side understanding what is going on

Chris presses a finger on my clit rubbing it which makes me shout his name "Your ex girlfriend is getting the treatment she deserves Matthew can you believe it? I'm so deep inside her right now she's never going back to you again, tell him baby"

He's enjoying it just as much as i am, gladly being louder as i feel my orgasm approach taking the phone back "Im s-so sorry for your side bitch...she will never get to cum like im about to right now" i hear him yelling that he's coming back home and with that i hang up.

Chris is half sitting to get support to thrust up now meeting my motions, he gives special attention to my boobs making me squeeze him inside me and our orgasms hit almost at the same time

His mouth hovered over my neck going to my earlobe were we bites and whispers.

"Such exhibitionists aren't we?"

We laughed, i lie on top of him whilst he brushed his fingers over my hair. After a while he carries me to his bathroom and clean us up.

Once we are back at his bed he hands me one of his favorite shirts and holds me tight, his arm pulling me closer.

"That's the first time im actually staying in" I comment smiling at our fingers intertwined.

"Get used to it 'cause you're never leaving"

[theosconfessions]

if youd like to read the stephens from the beginning you can over here :)

if youd like to read the stephens continued you can over here :)

@ohsosims

river- jesus CHRIST! you scared me

dustin- sorry ...just needed to talk to you,riv

river- i can guess what about. daddy told you..which of course he did. didnt expect him to keep a secret . so yeah. sure.

dustin- let me start by saying i get why you didnt come to me before theo.

river- because you wouldve told me to tell blake to fuck off. wouldnt you?

dustin- i wouldve but hear me out.

river- blakes a nice guy,dad . i dont know why you and daddy cant give him a chance.

dustin- daddy is.. he talked him up last night. the problem isnt him being against it. the problem is me being against it for all the reasons hes for it.

river- like i said hes a good guy,dad. you just have to give him a chance to prove it.

dustin- okay yeah. hes a nice kid. he always calls me mr which makes me feel old. hes respectful..except for the time he took my sons virginity on a couch in my living room

river- [nods] well we didnt plan it

dustin- no i can see that.

river- wasnt your first time with daddy in a run down - bed bug infested- gross ass motel? this was obviously way better than that option.

dustin- no that was the porn star version of our first time. our REAL first time was like a year before that at a fancy hotel. after dinner. big difference than what was aired and big difference than a couch,riv.

river- so YOU WERE DATING BEFORE THE SHOW!

dustin- river? less focus on me. more on you. sit down.

river- i cant tell you how much i dont want to do that.

[schlattslonghairytoes]

chapter ten

real life!

schlatts pov

as i handed my phone to talia i was nervous, i felt as if my text i had sent her all those years ago wouldnt make up for what i did to her, i wasnt sure how she would react. but as she looked up at me, eyes overflowing with tears, i had hoped she even started to forgive me.

real life!

talias pov

i continued reading the unsent text and with every word i began to cry harder, through most of high school, schlatt was always there for me, but i wasnt there for him when he needed me, and although i would like to forget most of senior year, i cant help but think how schlatt must of felt.

his grandpa, mike, was his best friend, the one who taught him baseball, and all of his jokes, and i wasnt even aware he passed. i was so wrapped up in myself and my problems that i didnt stop an d think there was a reason outside of him hating me.

i get to the end of the message "and no one could ever be you" his words ringing through my ears even though they were never said, i had felt the same way about him, it was always him, schlatt.

i put the phone down and look up at him, his eyes slightly teary, yet holding his composer well, i feel his thumb wipe away a tear, but all i can think about is how lonley he must of felt, not just me.

i wrap my arms around his torso and hug him tightly, and i start to cry even harder, i feel his hands thread through my hair. i rest my head in the crook of his neck and sob. "im so sorry jay, im so so sorry" i bawl

"hey, hey im the one whos suppos'd to be apologizing here" he lifts my head with his hand and wipes the rest of my tears "this whole mess isnt your fault, you have nothing to apologise for" he pleads while still holding my face in his hands.

"i didnt even know mikey died jay, i wasnt there for you, i shouldve checked on you, or something, i should of done something." i cried, i felt his arms wrap around me, and hold me with so much comfort. "baby i wasn't there for you. you were homeless lia, and i didnt even know, we both made mistakes." he said rubbing my back softly.

"all i hope is that you can forgive me." he pleaded. "jay i forgave you the moment i saw you at that party, breaking up those two guys." i laugh, and his eyes widened "you were there? did you see who was fighting?" he asked urgently

i tried to think but i couldnt figure it out. "no why?' i ask. "talia, i was the one fighting, it was alex, from high school. he was saying horrible shit about you, saying you guys were a thing, and that i missed out and i punched him, but my buddy hasan came in and finished him off." he laughs.

that caught me off guard, even when i hadnt spoke to him in over 2 years, he still defended me. he really did care about me. i threw myself back into him and hugged him even closer. i still loved him as much as i did back then "thank you" i say into the crook of his neck.

"no, thank you for hearing me out, i know ive been a bit of a dick these past few days and, i, guess these past few years, but i promise you, im gonna fix it." he says, looking down at me with the softest, yet guiltiest eyes ive ever seen. 

"you already have."

real life!

schlatts pov

as talia rests beside me, i feel everything start to mend itself, slowly, but im sure its gonna, "wanna go get food?" i ask. she nods and i get up and walk to the door but it wont open. "what the fuck" i mutter to myself. "hey did you lock the door" i look back at talia sitting up and stretching when i see her hoodie slide up i turn my attention right back to the door.

"no i dont think i did, wait what you literally came in after me?" she gets up and tries to open the door herself. "wait why would the door lock from the outside anyways?" i ask, im so confused so i call charlie "hey man, the door to talias room is broken can u help us?" all i hear is laughter on the other end of the call

"did you guys talk it out?" i hear ted ask "yes theodore kennedy we spoke now let us out." im starting to get a bit pissed. then hansum pipes up. "not until you two admit youre in love and want eachother desperately" when he starts moaning into the mic i decide its time to hang up.

"no luck?" she asks. "nope." i look around and remember our rooms are connected through a bathroom. "theres no way there smart enough to lock both our doors right" and turns out i was right.

we decide to sneak out so we dont have to get everyone else food and we eventually make it to the car. she puts her feet covered in strawberry socks on my lap and i see her take a picture when we make it on the road and start aggressively typing

"may i ask why a picture of me was taken?" i ask politely. she looks up at me and smiles "no" and i decide to move on. later that night i see she posted on instagram.

instagram!

taliasgrill

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4 minutes ago

~~~the next day~~~

one of the last things that the group had planned to do, besides go shopping, was go to the san diego zoo.

tyler kept asking us all to go and we finally decided we would, the morning of i had woken up to charlie jumping on my bed like a gorilla so i knew today would be a long one.

i went downstairs only to find ted tried to make monkey-shaped pancakes and set off almost all the smoke detectors, so again, i felt the impending doom of the day coming on strong.

"are you guys filming for lunch club today?" i sat down at the counter, ted charlie tyler and travis were all in various parts of the kitchen. ted told me they were infact making a video and i could be in it if i wanted to, but i denied his offer.

my plan was that brittany was meeting me at the zoo so we could vlog, and i would meet back up with the boys when they had finished.

as much as i loved being with them, i always felt like i was intruding on their time together, so i opted out of this one, i was really excited to see brittnay though. 

"dont you guys think we should just get breakfast on the way" schlatt said as he strut down the stairs. wearing his iconic tims he has managed to not fuck up in all the time ive known him.

i also noticed he was wearing a very familar shirt, one that i had bought him years prior, and though i choose not to comment, i thought it made him look very cute.

we all loaded into our cars, i was driving schlatt, ted, tyler and Charlie. while travis was driving everyone else. "SHOTGUN!" i hear schlatt yell from the front door, before he flys by me into the passenger seat.

"wow you wanna sit with your girlfriend so bad" tyler laughs

"and what about it, huh?" schlatt jokes back

"yo, what the fuck?" tylers head jerks forward at that remark.

"please dont listen to him." i get into the front seat and start up the car, charlie begs to be on aux, and of course i let him cause hes my favorite.

by the time we arrive all the boys are fed and ready for a long hot day at the zoo, we arrive scan our tickets and i see britney in the distance. the moment i spot her i run and jump in her arms.

"ive missed you bitch!" i yell and jump "im so happy youre here, i need a break from all the testosterone." she laughs at me

"and you think im the best place for that." and at that, i die laughing, brittnay has always been one of the funniest people out there.

all the boys walk back over to us and say hi to brittnay before shoving a camera in my face.

"everyone say bye mommy!" ted says in a baby voice. a chorus of byes and way too many mommies come from the boys before they all take off, but schlatt lingers for a moment. 

"text me if you need anything or if you just wanna see me, ok?" i laugh at him "yes, now go before the kids get hurt, please make sure they dont do anything too stupid." "yes mommy" he runs off before i can slap him.

i turn to britney and she deadpans at me "we have alot to fucking talk about." i laugh before responding.

"oh yes we certainly do."

hours later me and brit are sat on the sky trolley when schlatt, ted, charlie, and there other friend, who i dont belive ive met, pass by us.

"HIII!" i yell out the cart. all their heads turn in our direction and i hear schlatt yell "DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT A ROTH IRA IS??" but dont have time to respond.

britney takes a long slurp of her coke before placing it down next to her. "did you guys fuck?" she asks seriously.

"ever, or like recently?" i laugh.

"i know the answer to ever, but recently, i know y'all are good now, but the tension is maing me horny."

"no brit we have not had sex within the last two years." i look down at my phone and see a text from schlatt, it says "lions or elephants." i quickly text back, "lion" before putting my phone back in my pocket.

britney and i finished our vlog around 530 and meet back up with the boys. i said my goodbyes to brittnay as i was seeing her very soon. we all loaded back into our cars when schlatt threw a giant lion stuffed animal at me. 

"what the hell is this" i look up at him in the passenger seat.

"i asked lion or elephant and you said lion so." he tries to be nonchalant and go on his phone but i reach over the center consol of my jeep to hug him.

"thank you, seriously, that is so sweet." i say, voice muffled by his shirt

"i remembered you like stuffed animals and i thought of you when i saw it, so.." he trails off, slightly embarrassed. "i love it." i put the lion in my lap and started the car.

5 minutes into the drive, i finally realized how quiet the car really was, i look around and see that every single person in the car except for me and schlatt is asleep, i check on him and he is barely staying awake, fighting sleep.

as the car ride went on i thought about me and him, what was going to happen after the trip, he was going to go back to new york, and i was going to stay in California, but now that i had him back, i wasnt willing to lose him

i wasn't going to let him slip through my fingers again.

[melonteee]

you say you have a "hope that sanji dies" cuz you love tragedy - do you have any specifc thoughts or plot hopes to expand on that?

disclaimer: i mean this in just all good fun speculation or wishes cuz honestly we aint oda so who knows bruh 🤷‍♀️

like, the way i see it, him dying wouldnt just make wci 1000 times worse in retrospect, but i cant see it not utterly devestating luffy considering... well, luffys everything.he literally says he cant become pirate king without sanji! i mean, i guess oda could play it off as a honorable battle death or 'dying as yourself' but it could also go the 'you cant save everyone' route? kinda like ace, but a little to the left?

and if you bring in the possible discord amongst the crew of the death pack with zoro, it just creates even more problems beyond 'oh fuck whos gunna feed luffy'. we're talking water seven usopp leaves levels of discord

(....also why do sanji girlies like hurting him so? pudding, i have more in common with u than i thought)

My biggest thing with it is... Sanji's thing is worth, right? He thinks if he mutates and loses his emotions, Luffy won't want him, so he may as well die.

But, with the death pact he made with Zoro, what about ZORO.

Zoro hasn't said it out loud, but one of his biggest fears is obviously losing a crewmate - it's losing a loved one. He never wants to lose someone like he lost Kuina again. This feels very obvious to me, and it's why he fights to the extent he does.

So? I want Sanji to mutate, and I want the death pact to happen, because I want Zoro to hit a wall.

To never lose again, to be the greatest swordsman, WHAT must he sacrifice? To carry out a promise to his friends, to both Kuina AND Sanji, is this really worth it? Is this the right thing to do to reach his goals, and to go through with a promise?

Is it worth taking out a crewmate?

And then of course, for Sanji, if Zoro says he can't do it, he just can't kill Sanji, imagine how much that will make Sanji realise...he IS valuable, he HAS worth, no matter HOW he ends up. So what if he turns into a cold, unfeeling soldier? That's still Sanji, he's still somewhere in there, and Zoro dropping his sword would truly make Sanji realise that.

OR it can go the other way, and the death pact will go through - where Sanji can die happy, and Zoro can fulfill his friend's promise.

This is why it's so interesting that the death pact is SPECIFICALLY between those two. Because I'm not saying Zoro values Sanji over any other Strawhat - of course he doesn't. What I'm saying is, Sanji's situation is so specific to his being and emotions, and he KNOWS Zoro takes promises to heart.

I'm so so so SO interested to see if this death pact will EVER go through. There's so much that could happen with it, so even if Sanji dies or not? Fingers crossed!

[unicornsaures]

hi doli this is a yap pass you know the drill :333

i figure everybody needs one every once in a while

- ash

YEAH OKAY WOOHOOOO I LOVE YAP PASSES

we are up thinking about dally. again. as always. most specifically sh dally TRUTH. god i love 'taboo' hcs...but also dally and johnny's entire dynamic as it is so honestly ill start with that first because looordddd do i have THOUGHTS.

tw// sh and suicide!! im yapping about dally be warned

okay so obviously we know johnny is 'obsessive,' but i think some people forget that if we take into account what the fuck happrned, dally is equally - if not more - obsessive as johnny is. I think they both just demonstrate it differently than each other. Johnny shows it in a more straightforward, 'worshipping,' way, but dally demonstrates it in a more discreet way I guess? Its discreet until the end at least, i mean he literally killed himself for johnny🤷‍♀️

what i find interesting about their dynamic though is that it in no way could be healthy. that is mutual obsession at its FINEST and it can. NOT. end well. One dies, the other dies. One leaves, the other is ruined, if not both of them ruined. Problem with this is one of them is bound to die in every universe. Usually, if any were to die first, it would be Dally. Hell, he was close to snapping by the time johnny died anyway, i dont think he wouldve lasted long even if johnny lived. Bit the problem with this is thag if dally died first, johnny would probably feel like an empty shell of a person if you get what i mean? Like, Dally was one of the things Jonny loved, but he loved him the hardest. Johnny loved ponyboy, but in a different way than he loved Dally. And im not just talking about the fhance of romantic love either. No, im talking about idolization and putting each other on a pedestal. For johnny, this pedestal isnt fragile, it would take a lot to break. But i think for dally, hes holding johnny higher than the rest, yeah, but it doesnt take much for that pedestal to crumble.

So, back to what i said earlier, dally was one of the things johnny loved, but johnny was the only thing dally loved. Recipe for disaster. Johnny loved him and idolized him, dally thought of him as a purpose to keep going. I mean, Dally really didnt know how to handle his emotions at all and he saw himself as someone who had to protect johnny. (i know thats a big reason on why he reacted the way he did.) He thought he failed and whatnot, but that also doesnt excuse the fact they blatantly favored each other over most of the gang(exception being ponyboy, but even then i dont think johnny favored either.)

In short, dally was a mess who couldnt handle emotions and instead of figuring out his own brain and traumas, decided to take to johnny and do his best to protect him because hes like, the one person who doesnt hold a grudge against Dallas. I have hcs and whatnot about why he got drawn to johnny(like he saw himself in the kid, even if he was only a year older, but that aint canon so🤷‍♀️.)

Their dynamic fucks me up so hard and in tired of pretending they would be healthy. they wouldnt!! they would be HORRIBLE for each other!!! they would feed into each others obsession, probably get extremely jealous over each other, and they would be completely unaware about how bad they are together. Yes, they are portrayed as a duo, but dallys way of dealing with his struggles is ignoring them til he snaps. Johnnys way of dealing with his is also ignoring them until he snaps.

They both showed that they at least had suicidal thoughts and again, if someone ended up killing themself, it would br a punch to the gut for the other. This is IGNORING the constant worrying that would be going on that the other is in danger, the other may have killed themself, the other hates them, etc etc. They both demonstrated suicidal thoughts. they both demonstrates obsessive behavior. put those two togetehr and youre getting the worst of both worlds. Im not even gonna get into what woukd happen if someone DID end up killing themself because thag would be a violent circle of self hatred and guilt for whoever lived if not an immediate death. For johnny i think he would try and live on but constantly blame himself that it was his fault he died, or he would instantly follow after him. With dally, he would get mad. oh he would br a ball of anger and hate and he would snap much like he did in the movie, if not worse. I think hr would also blame himself for the reasoning AND the fact that he wasnt enough for johnny, difference being he would probably end up dying an hour after he got the news.

Alrighty, time for sh dally truth now because this man is the embodiment of self destruction and i think there is no way he wouldnt have at least TRIED it. This is partly me projecting my own problems onto characters but also i genuinely think its in his character to actually do it, yknow? Part of me thinks he would do it to seem tough, that he can handle pain and he would ise that as an excuse to keep going cause no ones stopping him. The other part of my brain is saying that he would do it as a genuine coping mechanism or the desire to feel pain.

From firsthand experience im saying..neither! Im seeing it as a way for him to get an adrenaline rush, if not for a little bit of pain/'punishment.' Most of his reckless behavior is, from what i see, the result of getting bored. He sees normal living and to him its boring. He wants to shake shit up and start problems and rven then, he gets bored of that too. Eventually, he's bound to run out of things to give him that rush of adrenaline anymore and yk. sh is just there. its new, it lets him get an 'adrenaline rush' for the time being and then he'll stop. Then he does it again, then he stops, and its a cycle until surprise surprise, it turns into a comfort more than anything!

Instead of getting an adrenaline rush for a little, it calms him down and he realizes he likes that WAY more. add in his already self destructive nature i doubt he'd see much wrong with it, too. Just as a thing he does to 'calm down.' I dont even think hed have a 'main form.' Cvtting, burning, whatever, i dont think hed use one more than the other. Whatever he can get his hands on in that moment is fair game.

I could go more into the psych of it all if i wanted but im summing it up to a subconscious need to feel pain accompanied by an addiction and a false sense of euphoria. I also have a lot of ideas about the gang finding out and either being extremely concerned or chalking jt up to 'yeah, thats dally.' because they know they wouldnt be able to do jack shit to stop him. so yeah. youre welcome for the yap

[its-elvie-innit]

realizing duolingo is NOT HELPFUL if you don't have a background in languages is so annoying because it was helpful Years Ago they just changed it so it's bad now. I took french for four years, and it's a romantic language so learning Portuguese which is in the same branch makes duo a pretty useful tool because I can point to "um" and "uma" and go ah yeah that's like le and la, and they're letting me know the genders by teaching me man and woman as the first words. But I WOULDNT HAVE KNOWN THAT if I didn't ALREADY HAVE BACKGROUND in a SEPARATE SIMILAR LANGUAGE and also duolingo is SHIT AT TEACHING ME FRENCH because I don't have ADVANCED BACKGROUND IN FRENCH THAT IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO USE DUO FOR, ACTUALLY.

Honestly I'm not even fully using duolingo for my Portuguese information it's literally just a memorization tool to get you introduced to certain verbs. You literally CANNOT understand anything without prior knowledge, so I am half note-taking, half verb tabling, and 0.1% cramming duo lessons for that memorization boost. Duolingo used to have a well of information not even hosted by the application, but instead was manually written by its millions of users to help others understand word contexts, and it was free!!!! Duo didn't have to pay shit for it!!!!! But instead they chose to throw away MILLIONS of comments and discussion links to reduce their shit server costs because bill whatever-the-fuck his name was decided he hates learning actually and fuck all your good information I need two extra dollars to afford a snickers bar in the downstairs vending machine. Look at my terrible owl tiktoks.

And I DOUBLE know this because I was learning hiragana in 2019 and I still remember how to sound out at least a few letters because I only got a couple months in, and they had at least a few good tools to help you understand process and learn the content, but then this week I decided I'd like to learn Korean so I started with the basic course and I can tell you right now it might possibly be one of the WORST english phonetic representations of the language sounds I've ever read. Just a little under half, maybe, of duos spelling work for the Hangul letters are completely incomprehensible because of the completely avoidable letter duplication for different sounds. I'll give you an example:

Do you want to know how these letters are pronounced? Here's your hint; both sound suspiciously like tah.

For an app that's supposed to be pretty accessible, I would think that spelling the phonetics right would be pretty high up on your list!!!! And yes, I'm very familiar with the very hard t-sounding "d" sound of some eastern European languages, but I am being so serious when I say whoever pronounced these recordings just said "tah" and "ta"!!! It is EXTREMELY hard to differentiate certain sounds, but the thing is these are not the worst offenders. Actually, the Hangul lessons? Yeah, not the letter system on the side? Those are worse.

These two characters are done in such a robotic sounding way that the only way you can differentiate the sounds is by carefully, CAREFULLY listening to whether the robot (?) does the tongue flick that causes the rolling r at the very beginning of the recording. Otherwise, it's SUPER hard. I would expect you don't mischaracterize the sounds but hey apparently getting a voice actor for character sounds is really hard. I guess. Hey, let me try look this up on YouTube actually. Oh, but for that I would have to download a whole other app to properly write out the words because none of my other apps have a manual writing system and I AM USING DUO TO LEARN THE WORDS. this should be ON THERE.

Not to mention this character, where the robot JUST says T. It says "tuo". The one that it represents? Deo. I would even call it an Italian passing accent. It's stupid.

This problem is occurring in multiple languages, I'm just pointing it out in Korean because it's so all over the place. There's a character representing "kye" that is just. Straight up a ch sound. That's all fine and dandy but there's another character, spelled with a different letter that represents a CH sound too and it's NOT k. It's all over the place!!!!

In my Portuguese lessons, I can say "homem" all I want and it's still not going to give it to me ever because the robot pronounces it wrong. It's the FIRST word you learn in pr lessons, and you have to pronounce it with an H sound HEAVILY. The robot doesn't do that, but it's the only way duo accepts it during speaking lessons when it picks up other soft sounds just fine. I only know this through trial and error. It does NOT tell you.

The only way I learn anything is through my note taking and it's so so sad because duo really used to be good. But taking french, a language I really love, is a pain because at least once a lesson segment, if not twice I will get a word that I don't know and have never been taught, that has never popped up before, in, like, a picture activity where it shows you an image and you have to interpret the right words, so you can't click and check what it means. And every time I'll report that I've never learned the word, but its not like it teaches me or anything after I've reported it, and you don't get to know what the word means until you get the question right so you might lose all your hearts in a lesson just for nothing, if you end up choosing the wrong option too many times. It's so unenjoyable.

It's not like duo can't be good, it can. It's a fun app! But you don't learn any languages past the first couple of words, without any grammar or base knowledge to start you off. It makes me frustrated knowing that the options available to me are limited bases on the sentence structure I'm already familiar with.

[7m7n7]

lmao @cosmicjoke just curious...do you actually even believe what you wrote? or are you just that pathetically lacking in self-awareness? it literally takes an EFFORT to even scroll through how much you blabbered about me FOR DAYS, HOLY SHIT LMFAO. anyway, scroll away in this one i guess, since it includes some receipts from poor blameless wittle ewuwi fandom you're claiming is "mostly good" and just must be "defensive" to awful people such as myself :-(

Yeah, i said you woobiefied him (which is a degradation of character no matter how much you froth from mouth 🙂) and YOU wrote me 3 different wholeass paragraphs and in one of them accused me of sending you hate. And you still do, despite the fact i had literally no reason to do so. wanna suck up to eruri fandom that bad, huh? you're so fucking stupid and SO obsessed with retaining that moral highground you SO CLEARLY jack off to, you're even letting eruris who hate you using you to get back at me. who do you think those anons and sock accs you're chatting w are? "this dumb bitch comes at me with insults and accusations" what a hilarious sentence! can you write one sentence without projecting so intensely that you need to be in a mental ward?

"self shippers are so jealous uwu" OHHHHHH MY GOD LMAO. the fucking eruri rhetoric of GRAND PROJECTION. NO fucking self-shippers gives a fuck to eruri you absolute dumbass 😭 entire discourse happens bc eruris harass them (and other levi shippers) bc of THEIR OWN JEALOUSY holy fuck!!! how can you be so fucking disgustingly biased? and even though you know i also like rivaere and have no problem w other levi ships, you're trying to use me as a scapegoat to "prove" self-shippers are "homophobic" and against "gay ships" start discourse with real levi stans bc some of them also didn't validate your ridiculously awful levi takes apparently. even though you also should be well aware tons of OC shippers also enjoy or don't mind eruri, you're literally attacking people JUST bc they disagreed with you in a previous discourse, just like what you're doing to me right now.

LMAOOOO nobody's crying anything you braindead loser, and the only one getting "curb-stomped" is your pea-sized brain trying to generate a sentence that doesn't have five contradictions and failing pathetically. "if they just left a sentence exactly like what i had in mind uwuwuwu i wouldnt have started to froth from mouth uwuwuuw how dare they accuse me of woobiefying levi when i obv woobiefy him uwuuuwu 🥺" LMAO nobody is obligated to treat your fragile ass like glass, not my goddamn problem you're so fucking pathetic you start losing you GODDAMN MIND when someone strays a little outside what you deem as acceptable. i didn't throw insults or anything at first either, i just said what it is: that you woobiefy his character, and you clearly can't stand being told the truth. Once again: you %100000 woobiefy him and resent people who don't agree with you. the fact you're THIS vitriolic towards people (thanks for showing i wasn't the only one, at least!) acting like i tainted your honor shows that enough. you literally wrote a "call out" bc of one comment which YOU turned into a fight. you lack introspection madly and you constantly project, so ofc you're just gonna spiral into another fit of rage when you see this, but you can't fool people who are unbiased no matter how much you blabber on 🙂

Ohhh lmao, it reaaaaaaally couldn't be more obvious you have beef with people who like top levi. that's literally it. Do you fucking realize how goddamn creepy you are when you talk about how i must want to get "smacked around" by a man just bc i said you were woobiefying him? You're a fucking freak. You have no idea what i even like (since you're so curious, i enjoy a wiiide range of levi) but this doesn't have anything to do with what we talk, you think people don't woobiefy characters they like as tops? bc it's SUPER common in most fandoms. the way you immediate resort to talking about people's sexual fantasies is freak behaviour and shows where your true problem lies. and what does this even mean "what the actual reality of Levi's sexuality would likely be"? Do you think people who have trauma can't be dominant? "Assuredly wouldn't enjoy sexual aggression" Why, were you in the room when he was banging people? That's just your hc you're pushing as canon, AGAIN. You want everyone to act like their hcs are just ooc hcs, but they have to accept your hcs as canonical regardless of how much bullshit they are. There's this insane push against *any* top levi content from eruri stans which they dub exactly as you do even though it doesn't reflect the fanon at all, and it makes it TOO OBVIOUS what your real issue is. Lmao, an eruri shipper who has a problem w ppl who like top levi, what a fucking surprise! 🙂

also this is from that @p-ssypink imbecile who's also obv an eruri

stop projecting and pulling discourse out of your ass. "forced masculinization" levi is already a hypermasculine character in canon, you clown. which probably makes you cry :^) and what does this have to do with homophobia? you think all gay men are feminine? pretty sure such stereotyping constitutes as homophobia. anyway, i said "my deal is im in love w him" bc that clown said something like "your whole deal is your hate for eruri rather than stanning levi" i think that message was cut from the og. obv loving a character doesnt make anyone an authority. but "every eruri is out to get self shippers bc they're ego-maniacal lunatics who cant separate fanon from canon and only see levi as a smol bean omega bottom to be protected" Yes, you got one thing correct, congrats! :) 👏🏻 That's exactly how %99 of eruri shippers are like and anyone who has been in this fandom long enough knows that. But "to be protected" is misplaced, since they mostly get off on degrading and torturing him. sometimes they just like to pretend they have any sympathy for him since they've been accused of being levi haters since ALWAYS, lmfao, but don't worry, i can send you a lot where they admit that too. and ofc, the pretend sadness fits right into their agenda with that sad pathetic little doormat levi they want.

anyways. am i homophobic or are people who consistently emasculate a character in %99.9999 of their fanon bc they think being feminine or bottom is degrading the ones who are homophobic? or maybe calling him the f slur constantly, you'd think qualifies? you don't think treating him like a "little twink who's only job is to get fucked" is fetishistic and homophobic, is that tooootally okay for you? What about bullying and mocking people who think differently and forcing their hcs on them, is that fine?

"inability to top" hmmmmmm i wonder how do these people see t/b roles and why they're so aggressive about them 🤔

plotting to get a levi/oc video down....kudos on that courage to admit that on their main! 👏🏻

there are so many, this was veeeeeeery hard to pick tbh but here are just few examples. and no, these aren't just one off events or "bad apples" and all of these people are known eruris, and some have thousands of followers. you may accuse me of "making hating eruri my entire online identity" which is fine and dandy. but ENTIRE eruri fandom makes their identiy hating on what they deem is a threat to their glorification fantasy.

as a bonus here are some multishippers who love eruri talk about the same issue being so common as well 🙂

i think it should be clear why :')

and @jayteacups saying this nonsense, idk if theyre just playing obtuse but lmfao. some people just don't know mentality in shipping communities enough soooo

having an OC/self-insert have NOTHING TO DO with what im talking about when i criticize self-inserting/identifying etc with a character. and what i'm criticizing isn't even the fact they self-insert into a character lmfao, it's the entire toxicity it brings, bc through overly identifying w some inadequecy of a character (in this case it's obviously the fact levi's more popular and attractive than erwin that bothers them) they grow jealous and resentful, bend canon to alleviate their insecurity + derive ego wank and attack others who don't validate them. as a result, practically all they do is degrading levi in every way and use him as a validation device (and other characters too btw, just look at how they treat zeke) to make erwin come off "superior", gatekeeping levi bc they can't stand seeing him w other characters, even real life fangirls, both out of possessiveness but also bc it ruins their narrative where erwin's the "conventionally attractive" one. that's the reason for the push against people who like levi in a "hetero" way (read: Top, masculine, alpha, daddy, het, whatever bc they think it translates into "conventionally attractive" lmfao, and precisely why they love bi erwin but NEVER bi levi). and this isn't just against self-shippers, they treat every other levi fandom similarly, and these ships also get mocked as "self insert ships". ironic considering their treatment of erwin puts early ff.net mary sues to shame 🥴 they can't be honest about jackshit bc it ruins their glorification fantasy where erwin has to be the one that ship is all about. they're the definition of "have my cake and eat it too", they act like they barely tolerate levi just for erwin's sake but bitchfight over him every second with everyone, depict him as a one-sided simp for erwin, try to alleviate their insecurity by reducing him to a loser doormat while doing the exact opposites towards erwin.

⬇️ gotta be pretty self explanatory lmfao

^ Very famous and beloved people among eruris

despite the fact there's a lot of pushback, they'll still argue tooth and nail that women wouldn't like levi and would prefer erwin. Why do you think this is soooo important to them? :^) ⬇️ lol wonder why they want him to convince ppl he's "feminine" so bad! almost like it's bc they see it as unattractive and degrading! but sure, we're the sexist homophobes for hating eruri fans, right? oh and the white supremacist rhetoric also so common - bc i've never seen anyone refer to being blonde in MEN as a good thing outside eruri fandom - since it's a feminine stereotype. "tall DARK and handsome", no? :') But they'll use ANYTHING just to make erwin look better, so they're pretend it's related to generic beauty standards rather than, idk, fucking rantings from hitler's headquarters. maybe some other day i should post them calling him aryan, hmmm....

look at how they act towards even their own (rare good ones lmao) artists when they depict levi in a conventionally attractive way, they bash on it and call it "hetero" hmmm :')

Oh oops they already said the quiet part loud! 😱But going around shitting on artists and calling levi "erwin's submissive little bitch" is okay to you, right?

By the way, one of the anons cosmicjoke made a fake acc to come at me just now on twitter bc i called out one of the eruris calling levi f*ggot. Apparently according to them it's just no big deal, that's just calling levi "gay". :') linking it bc too many pics: https://x.com/emeraldsas77759/status/1801556666556559451

Just a small taste of what eruri fandom is like, since most people here on tumblr don't have a fucking clue. Anyway cosmic"joke", what an apt name. Now, you can puke blood all over all you want like the useless, pathetic eruri ass-kisser you are and write few other novels for my sake! don't get too comfy with those erwin stans who are now sending you their love instead of harassing you tho lmfao!

(^ bc they said levi had a bolo tie of his own and MAYBE he wasn't wearing erwin's bolo tie in the FUCKING OFFICIAL ART LMFAO)

"don't ruin the rep of our fandom they're not eruris uwu" Familiar argument, isn't it? :') bc THAT'S what they do, creating ungodly amounts of toxicity, shitting on everyone, intruding in everyone's spaces, then when they get even a little pushback, they start screeching like little rats trying to shift the blame on others. These are the people you defend when you defend eruris. But hey, you can continue to suck up to them, try not to step one milimeter out of line tho, saying levi isn't erwin's dog may get you death threats. Have fun, goodnight, good luck! 😘

[conanssummerchild]

im pissed and im petty and bitter so here are my ex best friends red flags bcs fuck her and now that we're not friends i can stop pretending she was perfect

1. she had such a fucking superiority complex

i swear to god she always thought what she was doing was better or right, for example im really bad at school and she was little miss straight a's, which is fine, until she made it my business too. one time i was talking about struggling in maths and she gave me some advice and i said i did it differently and she said like "well who's in the low maths class?" i never talked to her about academics again. and thats only one example of so many

2. she complained so goddamn much

i swear to god every fucking hour she was venting about something, and it was really uncomfortable ngl bcs i never ever talk about my feelings and i wasnt used to someone being so open, which yeah i know my way isnt healthy either but i swear she had to make everything become about her feelings, like shut your fucking mouth

3. speaking of, she said like that it was weird for her when i talked to her about my dad

like i said i dont talk about my feelings but since she was so open i tried to be more open for her, but i guess i shouldve just kept my mouth shut, bcs i never ever complained abt her venting but when i did it it was too much aparently also i asked her this:

and she never bothered answering. hypocritical if u ask me

4. she reminded me too much of my sister

this isnt a flaw of her own and more of a me problem, but she was too much like my sister and i shouldve identified that as the issue it was earlier on (if ur not familiar with me, me and my sister have a really bad relationship) maybe then i wouldve been able to work through it and it wouldnt have been a problem

5. she was lowkey kinda patronising

she used this fucking voice at me sometimes (usually in autism related issues) and i tried to convince myself it was sweet and comforting but really it felt like she was speaking to a child (i do not fucking like being infantilised.) in fact a lot of the ways she treated me made me feel like a child and it fucking. sucked.

6. everytime i was struggling she would tell me how hard it was for her

I GET IT OH MY GOD SHUT UP. like the first time i didnt mind it, because i knew it was true, but like was it really necessary to say it every. fucking. time? i dont talk about my feelings normally. if she knew i was feeling bad it was only because i was feeling so bad i couldnt hold it together anymore or i was nonverbal. i understand im difficult to deal with like that but telling me how bad it makes you feel just makes me feel more like shit. not everything is about you and your feelings dude

7. she was really gatekeepy over this one youtuber i started watching

ok so theres this youtuber zara beth who one day i discovered on yt and i rlly liked her and so i told my ex bsf and she was like oh yeah i bet u only watched her videos on autism 😒 and she was being like so passive agressive the whole conversation like GIRL, CHILL. even if i did only watch her videos on autism whats wrong with that (and like i didnt even, i watched all of them on 2x speed and binged her entire account)

THE THREE DOTS??? 💀

8. several of the few times i would tell her abt smth that i was upset over she would just straight up change the subject 😭

9. she liked physical contact too much

ik this isnt a red flag really but im not comfortable with so much physical contact so we weren't compatible in this way

10. she liked video calls too much

again, not really a red flag but video calls and just phone calls in general make me so uncomfortable and exhausted and honestly its even kinda overstimulating and she always wanted to call

11. she said she didnt feel like anything was going on in the aftermath of us having had a disagreement, but it built up so much that we havent talked since. so i would say maybe we shouldve talked about it (like i suggested). ('my face was grey but you wouldnt admit that we were sick' vibes)

theres more red flags, but there was also so much good, it wasnt all bad, which makes it hurt more, she truly showed me what it felt like to love and i miss her painfully every day.

[castlebyersafterdark]

people who dislike hopper i never get. he was perfection in s1 as a character. he's stable and steadfast in s2 and we root for jopper all the way. s3 everyone went a bit off base, and you gotta wonder... was it deliberate ? surely the writers know what theyre doing. and it was entertaining as hell. and then we see backstory in s4. i don't love the military stuff with the russians but hopper's snowy storyline was actually so compelling because it felt like moody dark s1 hopper again and i missed him. his el storyline is so moving. so so moving. like, if they wanted me to cry during mike's i love you monologue - well they clearly didnt cos they can make me cry in 0.5 seconds flat with the el/hopper reunion, even when im at my most bitter and anti-el lol.

but mostly i just don't understand the hate hopper gets for yelling at mike and treating mileven that way in s3? he was soooo justified cos mike was being an actual little shit and so disrespectful. he needed to learn a lesson and if that lesson was a bit wacko by todays standards then guess what! it was the 80s! and like i said before, entertaining as hell lol. i mean the whole dont mess with jim thing is iconic and we were clearly meant to be on hop's side and laugh. if you were siding with mike atp then you must have been fighting for your life lol cos who wouldnt smile at that music as hopper pulls up to melvalds

wow i have opinions on this lol

COSIGNED!!! Vibing with all of this, I don't need to repeat you because you popped off and gave a stunning sermon. Now, I can understand a lot of people didn't like the Russian plot overall, and I can lean towards that, too - but the problem wasn't Hopper for it. Maybe the Russian plot being included in the series the way it is overall is a misstep, we'll see what relevance it has to close out the show, but Hopper was compelling within that storyline, despite of it.

My final line is just a criticism of the blandest of criticism: "Fuck Hopper because fuck cops!" Well, yeah!!! Agree with the last part!! Are we saying that Jim Hopper is a stunning example of copaganda? Do you really think he's a model police officer meant to prop up the profession? Are you actually serious? 🤣🤣🤣 Messy.

[mamapilled]

mother nonsenses 1.0

was part of the manifesto. (but not anymore?) though these are just random ideas in my notebook that i havent yet found a way to fully write sth decent with. though the evidences are all there. here just for archive, none of these really mean anything. except the last bullet point? but it also doesnt mean anything

- [this was one of my replies when heilhades333 and i was talking abt my ageswap luther and her matriarch nature. then somehow it snowballed into ranfren chi no wadachi?] i think as far as where the series is currently at, randal's still far too young for luther to consider anything about him having a family of his own or even a partner. at this life stage he is still under luther's care, and therefore, a part of luther's family. i see luther as the highest queen of her own beehive, so she wouldnt want randal to eventually have his own family (though, as the "ivory heir", maybe that day will come. if they can grow old that is). luther's way of building a family is more of collecting "family members" - what she'd like to call them, rather than building branches. i dont think she would mind if randal gets a partner as long as they'd submit to become a part of her family (like how she got sebastian as a pet for randal) maybe only when said partner wanted to pull randal away we'd have a problem (satoru. though its mostly bc she wanted to go camping with her family and also blueberry pancakes)

^ i kNOW the mother here is referring to the mother/earthbound franchise. but this is my domain and i can say whatever i want

- [purely delusional. hello hitchther nation?] in my beautiful mind theres this specific what-if situation luther is the queen bee, the hitchhikers are the drones, randal is the queen-to-bee (haha get it) while the catmen and like, nana carpet seb and the rest are worker bees. the drones' only purposes is to mate with the queen (only the fittest ones get this honor) and they'll die in the act but they're happy doing so ^^; this is just me fumbling the hitch hikers’ role theres nothing more to this really, lol

- [i’m still marinating this thing with nou but its going to be mother manifesto 2.0 when i finally know how to verbalize it. wonder when that is... the following paragraphs are choppy and rough bc theyre mostly texts i sent to nou at 12am] AGAIN IM NOT A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER PLEASE EXCUSE ALL THE... IDK VERBS FORMS ERRORS I DONT KNOW! WHAT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!

i know luther is the emperor tarot card (totally agree. shes also the empress TO ME. because im me of course) but then nou told me about her being the sun while randal is the moon and. huh. that kinda caught me off guard because the sun is supposed to represent. well? good omen and all the nicest things in the world. huh. everytime i think too much abt this i’d get super emotional (im getting emotional Right Now. thats why i dont think i can fully articulate this 2.0 manifesto any time soon) bc yknow. according to a normal regular person’s standard, luther is far from “good”, but also cap did write that luther “believes hes a nice person but is working on it” (not the exact quote but you get it)

something about her trying to be a good person though she probably would never be one but still in her cynical little mind hes being sweet and loving and Good. and not doing whatever she "in the past" has done. bunch of references to "the past" are mostly if not all abt how horrible and terrible and scary she was and how she keeps saying shes not like that anymore though we arent sure how much of it is true bc shes fucked in the head to oblivion. its the thoughts that count i guess?

these are probably all related to luther giving birth to randal (in my head) since ARHGHGH idk!!!!!! i'd imagine this was her before having him (or at least, when she just had him for a few? years? decades?) and then until she had to raise randal and realized he needs to grow into a decent person and started that fucked up roleplay spiral game of her she goes out less and less and trying to be a perfectly normal loving human and a caretaker of this made up family and stopped doing whatever the fuck she was doing when she was still a young maiden terrorizing canada’s deepest forest suburban hell

since randal is like. THE ivory heir to me too he'll take over one day its like now shes just being a mom and making sure hes ready to be it. one day (that day might never come once again she loves making shits up in her head saying stuff no one can fucking understand. cynical woman) and also making sure everything around him is ready for his growth and also being a good role model for him. yadda yadda. not to mention randal keeps talking abt how shes not like before / this body isnt what it used to before as if they both know shes fucking aging (old) and having randal is what she wanted in life like how parents after having children just want to devote their entire life to give their children the best upbringing bc their time is ending soon its time for the next generation. THIS IS ALSO PURELY DELUSIONAL SORRY

whatever im rereading camping arc again (i do this every night) what can i say i love female hysteria and getting the horrors abt luther von ivory slowly descending into insanity

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

@cosmicallyavg okay sorry if you didnt want me to respond but the autism won today and i thought abt nothing but this for like 3 hours so

i think the doctor knows yaz has done/will do the same morally questionable things as her if it becomes necessary? because for her to be self aware about herself, and then also aware of yaz becoming her in a way. she has to assume that its a possibility. and asking her to hold the master at gunpoint is her testing that theory i think. because yaz very well could have straight up not done it but in the end, shes her equal, she admires her (and wants to impress her lets be real), and she has a duty of care. she knows/assumes how dangerous the master is and doesnt want anything to happen to Her doctor if she can help it. theres no use being squeamish weve got the doctor to save.

i hadnt thought of that angle but the doctor consciously sort of testing how much yaz will indeed do exactly as she herself would, and guessing right on that front is so interesting. i was reading 13s comics yesterday and she did it multiple times there too, like delegating to yaz for llittle minidoctor tasks like occupying herself with a victim like she does in witchfinders with willa too, and like just literally going "yaz, go play police at those aliens" (i said "be police" first but 1 no jurisdiction, and 2 for the doctor 'be' and 'play' are the same thing)

and when she gets yaz that gun, it's so interesting bc to me at least it feels like simultaneously theres the power dynamic of doctor-companion where yaz is definitely a step lower like shes not in charge here (compared to later with vinder) but what the doctor uses that power she has to do is to like place some of it in yaz if that makes sense? she's using yaz as a proxy of herself, which sounds bad but i think thats what shes doing?

like guns for the doctor are this visual sign that theyre going against their own principles right? it's not really the violence of guns that the doctor protests bc theyre plenty violent, but it's a visual representation of their principles right? we see this with 10 when he wont take wilfs gun against the master but when he hears timelords are coming he does. 13 being willing to use a gun on the master means shes willing to break her own rules to deal with him (which the doctor always kinda is with them thats part of the problem but i dont think it's in the "i forgive you one more time even though i shouldnt way" this time)

but also! she doesnt touch the gun herself. she orders a soldier thats at her command (actively breaking her own rules) to give it to yaz. ace talks abt this i believe in at childhoods end, to yaz. that like, the doctor is not opposed to violence but they will keep their own hands clean if they can. as opposed to 10 who picked up the gun himself, 13 lets yaz do it. and then later, bc of course the doctor cant shoot people, yaz lets vinder be the one to actually shoot the master. 

so 13 is outsourcing her principle breaking wrt the master to yaz, but i think shes aware of it. it's not like letting yaz handle the gun is eschewing her own responsibility, i think she doubles her feeling of responsibility, bc not only is she breaking her own rules, shes making yaz break them too (clara voice: and now youve made me lie! youve made me your accomplice!) which is why it feels so simultaneously like equal and unequal, yaz is both doctor and companion in potd.

(short detour abt what you said abt "theres no use being squeamish weve got the doctor to save" like yeah thats exactly it. i wrote a fic where yaz shoots the master and the doctor is like Why The Fuck Did You Do That bc while she expected yaz to take the gun (bc she would), she didnt expect her to shoot (bc she wouldnt), but that then maybe reveals a sort of distorted image she has of both herself and yaz. bc yaz did shoot, which means the doctor would shoot even if shes so dedicated to the image of herself as The Doctor that she might not realise that she would. and it reveals an underestimation of yazs feelings for her, and her sense of duty, and how far she will go, has gone, to try and save the doctor. the master is a threat, so she shoots (im thinking again of clara and 8x12 where 12 literally offers to shoot missy to protect clara('s immortal soul))

and abt that equality, like, there was this photoset i saw last week of bts stuff from s11 i think? chibnall talking abt the first meeting in the train. which was basically just like that post i made ythat you linked except chibnall was talking abt it from 13s perspective, which i hadnt considered dkdjdjdh

i saw your tags when you reblogged that post and i thought abt them for a bit but didnt respond bc i dont think i entirely agree? theres a definite, like, respect and i think recognition on the doctors side of things when they first meet and she does the thing i wrote abt in that post where she like listens to yaz and then presents her own plan and this first listening to yaz probably fixed a problem they might have had if she had just forcefully tried to push yaz out of the authority position she was in there as a police among civilians, where yaz might have fought for the leadership position the entire rest of the night and maybe rest of their time together (not that thats not also a fun version of events to think about) 

anyway to get back to the point, yes theres that respect, and the doctor uses yaz for her skills since the beginnig, but i dont really agree that it's equal necessarily. the power difference is too big and too easily leveraged by 13 for me to call it equal

when it comes to doctor-companion power dynamics the first thing i always think about is the tardis, because it's this really concrete and undeniable representation of that power right? you need this ship and you need this pilot or you are most likely never going home again. thats just like a fact at the foundation of most doctor-companion relationships (excluding companions who have their own means of transport or could fly the tardis maybe like river or romana). im not saying thats on purpose or the doctor likes it, im just saying when youre stranded on an alien planet and theres one person who is capable of making sure you dont die, doug eiffel voice: really really far away from home, then youre not gonna do anything that person doesnt want you to do. or at least youre gonna be hesitant to

so following the big bluish money (tardis), i think the real equality between them finally only really arrives

here. in their last scene together. where the doctor can say "you know what this means right?" bc yaz already does despite still not being told anything, and yaz can say "lets not say goodbye" bc the doctor is not good at goodbyes and the doctor is both of them

thats what really appeals to me abt writing them post-potd everybody lives happily ever after au, this partnership that we only ever got to see glimpses of. in a version of events where 13 lived after this, we could see what that partnership really would have looked like

[istherewifiinhell]

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i guess if i were to name the shape the of the beast. to really. analyse the pains (to what end? we can ask exhaustedly. and the answer is none ever. but the mind does what it wants)

said. my dead cat i claim is not my cat and then say forever is my dead cat. well. he wasnt mine to maintain. or care for or any of that. i had no responsiblities to him. and i did feel like. he had a kind of fondness for me. perhaps just that i ate the most foods he would always be after (dairy and eggs). or love blankets and am always cold. or just all the times id bribe him with treats to be close. he was just my buddy.... i didnt have to feed him, he wouldnt even be annoying about it.

he would just come crowd my lap whenever i would even IMPLIE i was gonna be doing something where he could be in my way. and then when i decided to try taking him to my room... hed come running with me to the door. id scoop him up around whatever id had in hand. id go do something there and hed bother me. most recently of all id leave the door open a crack when going to the bathroom. and then return to a little fluffy ball on my bed.

he wasnt my cat my pet. he was my cat. like my little buddy. he was quiet mornings with tea. and sunny afternoons and sewing. id love to have his fur over all my shit again.

but beast. oh my poor lovely beast. listen. im not getting into all that. the why the fucks and the how the fucks i had a 95lb dog. never shoulda really. but yeah. responsibilites. ones i was bad at. a real distinct. from physical to mental to sort. Social Fortitude reasons. just. i guess you could tell something was real wrong when he hated the walks more than i did.

so i dont gotta problem solve how the fuck i can excercise him around my own fucking problems anymore. around the problems of this shitty place too. i wish i did. i do wish i did. i guess.

its so fucking awful. thinking. i think in my mind just how rough it had been doing stuff with him. and the other things i can think of him doing is just standing and sitting and laying in a old man huff. and no i didnt really ever mind that he was a touchy freak. if he wanted to knock on my door (and he did knock) just to lay like a potato on the ground. find my me

but he did also used to do more than than that too. it. i dont know how it is. remembering that. its like. its like. laughing. cause i love him. and that he played with the cat. and in the dry dusty dirt until he was light brown. hed even sometimes get in your space just to be there. if u could stay still for it. he even once slept next to me for a whole night during a powerout. which was much appreciated.

and its. its remembering the difference. its hell. its the pictures from 2019. we both looked so happy. in a place i like. in a place i would just go. to be somewhere. and wed go down there. and march along and run along and think and look and enjoy it. and im not there. and hes not there. ive still got the shirt. and the sunglasses. but what the fuck am i gonna look up and smile so big at.