#and thats allowed! no ones expected to love me back simply because I love them

[bigothteddies]

https://www.tumblr.com/bigothteddies/767686753892139008/maybe-i-need-to-be-more-harsh-with-people-because

Have you considered showing some of that care to yourself? You wouldn’t want your friends going back to people who make them feel like crap ): you deserve better

whatever I got is chronic unfortunately ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[yuoniz]

LOVE STRINGS — TUBATU

synopsis . tubatu as beabadoobee songs

투바투 : txt x gnr ☁️ 1.1K — fluff ❨ warnings ❩ suggestive, profanity, txt down bad losers yes! 𓍼 note — repost again but who really cares┆(bookshelf)

OO1 ┊CHOI YEONJUN

as glue song

if you guys were in a relationship, you would basically be in a relationship w this song

this songs just embodies yeonjun

this man would fall in love pretty quickly if you knew the right ways to make his heart flutter

he would still feel like he came back from his first date w you after you both go on dates.

bros go to line would be "where are you rn?"

like even if you just called him 5 mins ago that you're coming to his house he would still text you

or if you just left the dorm

you would literally be stuck to him by the glue (😆����)

he can't even find the right words to express what he feels for you

theres so much he wants to express because I see him as a very expressive person

its the little things he does that show how much he loves you

putting his hand against the top of a cabinet so when you bring your head up it would hit the edge

allowing you to use him as a makeshift chair at anytime

this man will never say no to you

if you want something, he'd simply just nod his head

if you want boba, he'd kiss your forehead and leave the apartment after saying 'I love you'

he's seriously so whipped for you plss

"have I ever told you how pretty you look?"

"jun, you said that five times this morning."

other members are under the cut !

OO2 ┊CHOI SOOBIN

as livelong

this song is so soobin coded idc

he would learn so much with being in a relationship with you

it would be one of those quiet times you both would spend together

you would be reading a book, resting on his lap

he would be massaging you head, stroking his fingers through your hair

and he would be lost in your eyes fixated on the book you were engrossed in

and he knew he was in love with you

everytime he sees you see would have so many thoughts running around his head and he would just make some weird noise whenever you ask him a question because he has so much to say

"did you listen to this song, bin? I love it sm."

"nngh"

🧍‍♀️

no because you're the partner he wants to grow old with

like he can't name a more beautiful person other than you

bro is so in love its actually concerning

and you would be to

thats how you both were

you both learn so much from each other through conversations, heated arguments, anything

and at the end of the day, you both were molded for each other

thats how yall were

"If we both had children should we call them soobeans?"

"babe..."

OO3 ┊CHOI BEOMGYU

as apple cider

plsss this song was dedicated to beomgyu

he would never express his feelings like

its giving friends to lovers with mutual pining, but half of the time its beomgyu acting like he hates you, denying his feelings but actually he's so in love with you.

he just doesn't know it yet

because why does he always hold your hand when you walk together in public?

oh so you wont get lost

ok so why does he call you "honey" in front of other people

so they won't bother you

like... ok bff

the deluder is deluding

"I don't even like you that much. Wait, I do, fuck"

TELL ME THAT AIN'T HIM

plss he'd be so awkward asking you out

"idk maybe if you wanna go out to watch or movie or something idk."

he'd blush so hard when you say yes

and when you both date

it would still be the same expect yall are dating HELPP

the way yall would bicker 80% of the time and then make out the other 20% of the time

its so cute to see him all flustered when you compliment him

"you are soo in love with me, gyu."

"SHUT UP!"

OO4 ┊KANG TAEHYUN

as you're here that's the thing

he'd want a simple relationship

he doesn't want to overcomplicate things

hell he'd even just want a no-label relationship

I so believe that this man is a "career>relationship"

sorry terry 😕

he'd want it to be lowkey

but when it's just the two of you, he's so???

no because why does he glitch everytime he sees you??

he feels so safe when you're just simply there

like you srsly got him wrapped around your finger

"tyun, I'm sorry I cant come tomorrow. Plus, what would happen if I'm not there."

"You're not there, that's the thing."

LIKE?????

he falls a bit too hard whenever he sees you

and you're sick of this no-label relationship

you want it to be more than just this

and you know he wants it too

so after months of contemplating

you confronted him

and he couldn't imagine his life without you

so without saying anything

he just kissed you

he loves you too much to let go of you

he's never felt this b4, but he liked it

"I know I don't say it. that much, but..."

"it's okay tyun, I do too."

OO1 ┊HUENING KAI

as art class

he's someone who would have a massive crush on someone (you) and he would think they won't like him back

he would be the first one to realise if you got a new haircut

or if you changed your perfume

he has a great memory when it comes to you.

He'd be so attentive when he listens to you

he would remember the little things like

"there's no way you got me this."

"you said you liked it when we were at the park."

PLSS HE SO CUTE

you'd notice his cute gestures

and you realised he liked you

you made him feel like his heart was an art class

he'd feel so wild yet it be in the calmest moments you both would have

he likes you so much, he doesn't know what to do

he's the type of person to feel so much and he actually doesn't know what to do

so you ask him if he wanted to go out

everything around you both froze, to him

he'd just stand there and nod

plsss

even after its a few months after you both start dating

he'd still be so utterly in love with you

he'd just wanted to be with you, doing nothing

if only you could read his mind.

"you looked so pretty today, not the you didn't look pretty yesterday or any other days! you actually look pretty everyday-"

"kai if you wanna kiss, just say so."

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎‎designer yuoniz ! do not copy, repost, translate any of my works

[ikeucity]

IKEUCITY WILL BE UNDER MAINTENANCE :(

hey guys...

so i’ve been thinking a lot about my current fics, and i really want to make them better. i am afraid to announce that some things might get revamped or changed, but it’s all for the best, trust me. i’m adding extra scenes and details to make everything more enjoyable for you. things i felt i could've added to make the world even better.

(don't worry! i will keep almost everything, as i know you've enjoyed how i write the characters and scenes, i simply want to write it better)

i want those who enjoy my stories to find an escape and be immersed in the world i've created with my works, thats why i love writing long ass fics. and i will continue to do so because i know it has helped me too. to just step into a different reality even if just for a moment.

i’m still continuing brought the heat back and moonstruck, but the my one-shots are getting a bit of a refresh. i know edits not showing up in reblogs is annoying, and i honestly get so pissed every time 😭

all my fics are getting a deeper, more polished version. i’ve been reading a lot and doing research to improve my writing, so expect more quality content! i’ve also created a system where, by the time i post something, there’s already another fic lined up.

what you can expect in the future is yours to wreck is getting a new spin, and i’m dropping part 3 as a gift! i’m not deleting posts—just archiving them. if something goes missing, don’t worry—the completed work will be even better.

i’ve also figured out how to make sure i have more words allowed on my posts and stay organized.

i’ll be making drabbles for fics like yours to wreck, featuring cute moments that won’t be in the plot—just a little side thing. and is something i plan to do for future fics too!

will i write requests? absolutely! but not yet, not until i feel like i've at least completed some of my series.

also it's important to know that i do love my series like akdjdjsisjs but i can't keep the series going without adding more to the plot, but you guys trust me, right?

i write fast. the reason for all of this is that i need to get better at posting finished work that i find perfect, no more second guessing. no more typos and feeling the urge to edit it or replace a few things.

i want to feel completely satisfied with what i share. if i’m calling something mid, imagine what i can do when i’m fully content with it? :O

literally, in a month, i’m gonna be raining down fics on you. the one that’s setting the tone for the kind of writing and quality you can expect is peeping tom, which i’m completely focused on right now and am receiving help from a wonderful person for it.

i want to keep my blog alive, and i need to feel happy about it. hence the changes. i hope you understand my sweets.

thank you all so much for the love and support—it means the world to me!

🖋️ love, keuri

[opticfile]

so cool seeing more hetalia writers omgg!!! do u think u could do a china x f!reader ? something like a first date and yaos suuuuper nervous,, ty if u do! ^.^

✧ came back to drop this rq, not even a big china fan but i was feeling it

—✦ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬 // fluff

Yao Wang does not get nervous.

He is above such immature, elementary feelings. He is far beyond that kind of thing, he would never be caught dead feeling nervous over a first date. He’s gone on hundreds, he’s wooed many before you, and he has never been nervous.

The way his hands twitch as he sits at his table is not because he’s nervous. Nor is his almost frantic searching of the dining floor, eyes darting between the waiters walking past him and other customers laughing joyously, looking for your face in the crowd. The way his stomach does flips everytime he sees a girl that looks like you walk through the doors is simply because he’s hungry. The tapping of his foot under the white-cloth clad table is due to impatience.

Yes, thats it. He’s not nervous, he’s impatient. You're taking too long to get here, its almost the time you agreed upon meeting at and you’re still not here. He expected you to be more punctual, and he’s not impressed. 

He wonders whats taking you so long. Maybe you were being lazy and put off getting ready. Or you’re a bad driver and got lost. Perhaps you’re one of those high maintenance women, the ones that have to take hour long showers and spend twice as long on your makeup and outfit. He wonders if you’ve changed your outfit too many times. He hopes you're wearing a nice dress, one that hugs your figure maybe. He would hate for you to forget a coat, then he’d have to give you his. What a bother, really. What kind of lipstick are you wearing? Will it smudge when he kisses you? Does your mascara run?

Yao’s thoughts are interrupted by the click of heels. His eyes are drawn from their spot on the plate to meet yours, and for once his stomach flutters instead of falls. 

“Hi.” You smile. You're radiant, he cant help but notice, you exceed his expectations.

Yao swallows hard—still very unnervous, mind you—and stands from his seat. He made his way around the circular table, the cloth bunching up against his legs as he reaches to pull your chair out—because if Yao is anything, its a gentleman.

“Y/n.” He greets, watching as you take your seat. “You look lovely.”

“Thank you, you look handsome.” You smile coyly as he returns to his seat. “Thanks for inviting me to dinner, by the way. This place is nice.”

He nods. Of course its nice, why would he take you somewhere that isn’t nice? Yao Wang has taste. Do… do you not realize that? Do you think lowly of him?

He interrupts himself this time. “Thank you for allowing me to take you out.”

“I haven’t been on a date in a while, so I’m um, a bit nervous.” You giggle, admitting your nerves with an almost bashful tone.

He relaxes. You’re nervous. That makes him feel better.

“Neither have I, it has truly been longer than you can imagine.” He allows himself a soft smile.

“Well, then I guess we’re both in the same boat then, huh?” You tilt your head with a grin.

The tension in his shoulders starts to dissipate as he chuckles, nodding. He finds himself relaxing, even more so when the waiter brings the two of you wine. By the time your entre arrives, Yao’s enjoying himself freely. 

You're unlike any girl he’s ever met (he’s said that every time, but this time he tells himself that there’s more behind it), you're intelligent and beautiful. The conversation is flowing like a rapid, dangerous river, and he’s been pulled under by the current, drowing in it. Speaking of drowning, hes come to the conclusion your eyes are dangerous. Every time he meets them he’ll pulled in. Yao isn’t bad with eyecontact by any means. In fact, he’s rather good at winning a steely staring contest of intimidation, really. Yet the way you look at him has every vein is his body pusing and his joints aching—no wait, that part might just be because he’s old, actually.

By dessert, he's obsessed. He’s learned your ambitions, he knows your hobbies, he knows the names of your closest friends and family members. He’s enthralled in every aspect of your being, though his pride doesn't let him show it as openly as some others might. No, he doesn't fawn and melt and sigh like a teenage girl. He chuckles, he grins, he nods. He offers you a ride, he gives you his coat, he opens the car door for you. He drives you to your home, he opens the car door again.

Yao takes your hand in his, savoring the softness of your palms and the warmth of your skin. You’re so very alive, you're making him feel so very alive again, you're making him feel ways he hasn't felt in decades. You’re making him feel that forbidden feeling, that petty, immature thing he says he never feels. 

And when you reach your front door, and you smile up at him, his heart sputters like an old engine that’s breaking down. Maybe it is, maybe this all is finally too much, and he’s going to be taken out by a beautiful woman looking at him with admiration. Not a bad way to go… He thinks, but a better way to go is lips pressed up against yours, and you fulfill that desire without him asking. It’s chaste, its quick, it’s sweet like a highschool first kiss is sweet. Yao pulls you in for something slower, something more intimate as you both strand beneath the soft glow of your porch light and listen to the sounds of the city around you. When you pull back, his eyes dart to your lips again. Smudged. He thinks. Yao Wang still does not get nervous. The only exception is you.

✧ navigation.

[kings-highway]

i've got quite a lot of fics written but they don't seem complete or cohesive enough to leave my docs,,, i don't know how to outline fics so everytime i get back to them im all over the place and end up doing things from the beginning do u have any advice :⁠,)

so... mhm... this is an interesting question. First of all I GREATLY appreciate you asking but unfortunately this installment of King's "advice column" is going to be half rant, half pep talk, and like maybe a sneaky 3% advice because the truth is... I don't know.

first off: I don't outline anything. Never have. The few times I do outlines it's for the sake of "trying to outline" and never because i wanted to. If you ever see me say the phrase "my outline" what Im actually referring to is the dance-break hallucination of the characters I've set to whatever Top 40 song Im listening to at the moment. I... cannot help you with outlining. Not really.

But I have some things that may help you overall. It sounds like the problem you have is with editing, not writing. Which... if you're new to editing or haven't edited a lot, can be entirely tedious and confusing and you might be saying "ach, but whats the difference!" - the difference is everything. I, personally, love editing. editing is where a story comes alive and can be perfected. If you have a finished full draft of a story, and you truly dont know where to go next... the next step is to be done with it. Literally. I've been working on a personal novel for about 2 years now, and half that time is spent waiting. Put away your draft, write something else. In 2 months, 3 months, come back to it and read it again, change anything you're no longer satisfied with. You'd be SHOCKED how much just taking a break from a story can improve your understanding of it. You may think of things to change in this waiting period - hold off. Hold it in. Let it stew. consider it caramalizing onions. there's simply no way to rush it. NOW - you expressed the sentiment of "i always end up doing things from the beginning-" I say... no you dont. That IS editing. My story has fully changed from front to back multiple times. That new draft you wrote from scratch? congrats, thats your second draft. Not your first. then you do it again. And again. Until the edits become smaller and smaller and smaller. And then when you hate it enough, you say "i cant possibly touch this anymore" and thats when you let someone read it.

And the truth is, they should have been reading it before. Feedback is infinitely important, in the editing process. You cannot expect to only ever show the best product. I have friends who have read drafts of my novel that wouldnt even be able to recognize what it is now. but I could never have gotten it to this point without their feedback. You have to be okay with letting someone - even just one person - see your bad first draft. THEY will be able to tell you where your cohesion is or isnt and how to improve it.

BUT that brings me to a second point, and the idea that this is probably fanfiction. Now, your initial ask was a little vague, so consider the first response there me being under the assumption you were interested in completely finishing a novel or short story with incredibly serious intent. Now Im going to assume you might be looking to publish chapter by chapter or take it "less seriously" because its just for having fun.

And to that i Say:

if youre publishing chapter-by-chapter (and writing chapter by chapter) your cohesion is gonna be shit!!! thats a first draft youre putting out into the world, babe, its gonna be ass! but embrace the chaos!!! I have learned and developed SO MUCH as a writer by publishing chapters one at a time, namely how to "punch through" that lack of cohesion. Consider your first draft a challenge. no matter how many errors you make, you are NOT allowed to go back and change it. that thing you committed to chapter 2? well its chapter 18 now and you either need to address it, or ignore it and hope your readers dont comment. You are beholden to your own writing and theres nothing you can do. Make it work. Its probably not as bad as you think.

Which brings me back to my initial point - dont trust me on cohesion!! Or, maybe, don't trust *yourself* on your judgement of your story. I'm assuming if you're asking you like at least 1 of my stories, so here's that aforementioned peptalk bit from the beginning:

if we're talking about incohesive stories and bad choices and things that REALLY should have been edited, I'm the (hehe puns) King of them. (I sometimes just vaguely think about Paranormality and want to tear my hair out - and yet this is one people seem to love the most!) here's two facts from my stories that are currently still available to read on ao3:

1. In "The Island" Jasvir and the rescue team make a 24 hour journey in about 6 hours (Because I forgot where New Zealand was and didnt fact check before)

2. In "Soulmake Adventures" Tendou describes how Ushijima stays at his apartment when he's "in the city" despite that city being Tokyo and the home base for the Adlers and Ushijima really should, like, have a home. (It did not occur to me to even check)

And Honey, if you think I had a plan for even one goddamn second of Paranormality you're mistaken. Holy shit it's just nonsense after nonsense after nonsense. I REALLY should have like, at least at one point, like... thought ahead. I just kept shoving stuff in and backpedaling and doubling down on things. But it was FUN to write. And people had a lot of fun reading it. I could edit it into something cohesive, but I dont think it needs that. I think if youre writing fanfiction, maybe its okay to just let it be a little bit loose and fucked up for the sake of the joy of it.

here's.... uh.... 3% advice:

1. have an ending. the stories where I know what my last scene (or my last line) will be always get drafted easier and with less stress. I dont mean have an ending idea. I mean literally mentally map out the last paragraph. Really helps me keep on track

2. talk to people. Walk them through your premise and your themes and what you want it to be. saying it out loud almost always will start clicking puzzle pieces together.

3. learn editing. unfortunately im not talking about grammer and spelling, i mean proper content editing. You have to build this skill seperately from your writing.

4. accept that your first draft is for vibes and fun. Push forward and do your best to "force it" however you need to, but;

4.5. understand that deleting work is part of the creation process too. If you do scrap an entire draft and start over, youre not "starting over" - youre starting draft 2. Thats editing!

[yeokii]

# txt as beabadobee songs !!

₊﹒wc! 1.1k

₊﹒warnings! profanity, spelling/grammar errors, teeth rotting fluff, mentions of making out, not proofread

₊﹒note! beabadobee songs are so babygirl

# choi yeonjun ⎯ glue song

if you guys were in a relationship, you would basically be in a relationship w this song

this songs just embodies yeonjun

this man would fall in love pretty quickly if you knew the right ways to make his heart flutter

he would still feel like he came back from his first date w you after you both go on dates.

bros go to line would be "where are you rn?"

like even if you just called him 5 mins ago that you're coming to the dorm he would still text you

or if you just left the dorm

you would literally be stuck to him by the glue (😆😆)

he can't even find the right words to express what he feels for you

theres so much he has to express because I see him as a very expressive person

its the little things he does that show how much he loves you

putting his hand against the top of a cabinet so when you bring your head up it would hit the edge

allowing you to use him as a makeshift chair at anytime

this man will never say no to you

if you want something, he'd simply just nod his head

if you want boba, he'd kiss your forehead and leave the apartment after saying 'I love you'

he's seriously so whipped for you plss

"have I ever told you how pretty you look?"

"jun, you said that five times this morning."

₊﹒other members under the cut !!

# choi soobin ⎯ lovesong

this song is so soobin coded idc

he would learn so much with being in a relationship with you

it would be one of those quiet times you both would spend together

you would be reading a book, resting on his lap

he would be massaging you head, stroking his fingers through your hair

and he would be lost in your eyes fixated on the book you were engrossed in

and he knew he was in love with you

everytime he sees you see would have so many thoughts running around his head and he would just make some weird noise whenever you ask him a question because he has so much to say

"did you listen to this song, bin? I love it sm."

"nngh"

🧍‍♀️

no because you're the partner he wants to grow old with

like he can't name a more beautiful person other than you

bro is so in love its actually concerning

and you would be to

thats how you both were

you both learn so much from each other through conversations, heated arguments, anything

and at the end of the day, you both were molded for each other

thats how yall were

"If we both had children should we call them soobeans?"

"babe..."

# choi beomgyu ⎯ apple cider

plsss this song was dedicated to beomgyu

he would never express his feelings like

its giving friends to lovers with mutual pining, but half of the time its beomgyu acting like he hates you, denying his feelings but actually he's so in love with you.

he just doesn't know it yet

because why does he always hold your hand when you walk together in public?

oh so you wont get lost

ok so why does he call you "honey" in front of other people

so they won't bother you

like... ok bff

the deluder is deluding

"I don't even like you that much. Wait, I do, fuck"

TELL ME THAT AIN'T HIM

plss he'd be so awkward asking you out

"idk maybe if you wanna go out to watch or movie or something idk."

he'd blush so hard when you say yes

and when you both date

it would still be the same expect yall are dating HELPP

the way yall would bicker 80% of the time and then make out the other 20% of the time

its so cute to see him all flustered when you compliment him

"you are soo in love with me, gyu."

"SHUT UP!"

# kang taehyun ⎯ you're here that's the thing

he'd want a simple relationship

he doesn't want to overcomplicate things

hell he'd even just want a no-label relationship

I so believe that this man is a "career>relationship"

sorry terry 😕

he'd want it to be lowkey

but when it's just the two of you, he's so???

no because why does he glitch everytime he sees you??

he feels so safe when you're just simply there

like you srsly got him wrapped around your finger

"tyun, I'm sorry I cant come tomorrow. Plus, what would happen if I'm not there."

"You're not there, that's the thing."

LIKE?????

he falls a bit too hard whenever he sees you

and you're sick of this no-label relationship

you want it to be more than just this

and you know he wants it too

so after months of contemplating

you confronted him

and he couldn't imagine his life without you

so without saying anything

he just kissed you

he loves you too much to let go of you

he's never felt this b4, but he liked it

"I know I don't say it. that much, but..."

"it's okay tyun, I do too."

# kai kamal huening ⎯ art class

he's someone who would have a massive crush on someone (you) and he would think they won't like him back

he would be the first one to realise if you got a new haircut

or if you changed your perfume

he has a great memory when it comes to you.

He'd be so attentive when he listens to you

he would remember the little things like

"there's no way you got me this."

"you said you liked it when we were at the park."

PLSS HE SO CUTE

you'd notice his cute gestures

and you realised he liked you

you made him feel like his heart was an art class

he'd feel so wild yet it be in the calmest moments you both would have

he likes you so much, he doesn't know what to do

he's the type of person to feel so much and he actually doesn't know what to do

so you ask him if he wanted to go out

everything around you both froze, to him

he'd just stand there and nod

plsss

even after its a few months after you both start dating

he'd still be so utterly in love with you

he'd just wanted to be with you, doing nothing

if only you could read his mind.

"you looked so pretty today, not the you didn't look pretty yesterday or any other days! you actually look pretty everyday-"

"kai if you wanna kiss, just say so."

perm taglist!! @flwoie @zuyairus @bubblytaetae @yenqa @haknom

[lazyveran]

Oh lazyveran the fire squad is HORRENDOUS!!!! I love it. Please, elaborate on Azula's particular role in and thoughts on this awful little smorgasboard. Does she feel conflicted about how Katara is changing the dynamics? Dies she even register anything changing? Whats her relationship like with Zuko in this au. What does a day in the life of the squad look like and what does it look like to Katara, who isnt steeped in decades of intricate rituals. Please 

genuinely gives me such joy to make them so awful. terribly terribly nepo babies that will ruin ur life. long rambles below cut hehe

SO! azula is. well she doesnt think there's much wrong with it. i mean, on an intellectual, psycho-analysis level she knows ty lee is a insane, mai is also insane and her brother is [redacted]. but ultimately she doesnt see anything wrong with any of their dynamics because she has LITERALLY no one else as reference. the insane social isolation azula went thru as a child soldier and ozai's fav little nuclear bomb means its difficult for her to parse out toxic or harmful relationships she may have and ultimately, use and utility comes first in any relationship. the fire squad are simultaneously her most trusted confidants, her closest companions, people she'd entrust with her life and legacy and the weight of her father's, and later iroh's, missions to AND assets to be used, strings to be pulled, and loose ends to be monitored. plus she wants to gossip with them. shes the princess, it's her agni given right to bitch and moan abt the peasants!

azula's mindset is all layers of fucked, basically. im aiming for a vibe in which azula herself has no idea how she really approaches and feels for her friends. its emotionally complicated, azula is horrendeous at understanding that kinda thing. the fact that she's so hyperaware of her position as royalty means she locks herself desperately into that role and doesn't allow herself to go beyond it. that implies a distance between her friends she halfheartedly attempts to keep. but the bottom line is that she's insanely loyal because they invest that back into her. azula's a woman who values devotion above all else. she's desperate for it. You Have To Stay. Everyone Else She Loved Has Left Her. STAY. FOREVER. to do so will be to assist and witness her eternal glory and the shining legacy she will deliver to the nation. she will elevate them to the greatest heights, reward their loyalty tenfold!!! JUST STAY. DONT LEAVE HER. NOT LIKE THE DEAD ONES AND THE GONE ONES-

(also, azula is narrow minded in a sense. she understands people implicitly but believes her own personal goals are the Ultimate Ones. everyone wants power, glory, legacy and the love of a nation. they have to, right? why else would she strive to achieve them, if it's not the perfect pinnacle of all human endeavour? she wants to reward her most trusted friends with what she percieves is the ultimate prize in life, so does so from this weird half distance as a princess. shes really weird. her love language is probably acts of service (and all she knows how to do is kill))

azula and katara's relationship is awfully complicated. for a start, azula presumes domination within the relationship. it's sort of something azula just. takes for herself. as her nature, and because katara isnt initially someone she wants to dig her claws in to force them to Stay. she fully expects that she will simply have some new woman near her sometimes and she'll get on with Important Work with the besties. then katara KICKS HER ASS, FORCES her to look and see katara as someone equal, someone worth respecting and listening to. ultimately she does come to respect katara, and that unknowingly starts to change her. as in, azula gets bullied into it. repeatedly. and getting frostbite that one time. and in her draw towards katara, azula begins drifting from the (not at all realised) dependency on her squad and more towards katara. because she has an equal! and thats!!! azula never really thought she'd HAVE one! katara is her WIFE, there's no presumed distance to keep!!!!! so she gets super duper obssessed with that. she wants to eat katara alive, she's enraptured by this woman.

so.. the worst siblings ever... zuko and azula were alone in the palace with only each other for years after ursa's disappearance and azulon's death. it made them so tremendously dependant on each other. azula believes that her brother is the one thing she can protect, wants to save, is her final piece of family and something good and there's no one else, NO ONE else. HE HAS TO STAY. it's very intense. the fire siblings trust each other implicitly and convince themselves that they're going to be stabbed in the back by each other. they're tied together in blood and want to kill each other and constantly butt heads and argue and contradict each other. and they're the united front of the last of ozai's line. the only ones who understand what it was to be a child of ozai and ursa. azula wants to bite zuko's head off and zuko constantly wonders if azula has been sent by a dark spirit to bring endless suffering to his life. true terrible siblings that would raze a country to the ground for the other, then slide a dagger into their back while they watch it burn.

their day to day life is a little boring, really. ty lee flits in and out of the palace on whims. if court is fun, she'll go. if there's a gala, she's there. if its boring? she'll leave to some FN island for a month and a half making connections, meeting nobles, being entertained, probably picking up a WEIRD hobby and/or romantic partner for a week. she sends a bajillion letters back abt her travels - that azula diligently reads and that mai dgaf abt and gets the synopsis off of azula. then ty lee returns, and rinse and repeat.

mai is officially a political advisor, representative of her father and close confidant of the princess-general azula. in reality, she fucks around the palace pursuing whatever she wishes, and conducts a very very terribly obvious affair with zuko that half the goddamn nation knows about. she's happy coasting along, dipping her hand into politics and national affairs every now and then to keep up apperances, and acting as a spy for azula when she wants to. they have a nice little setup.

azula is quite literally busy from sun up to sun down. she's got one billion projects constantly; ranging from political, scholarly, artistic, so on. she manages her own little spy network, she manages half the nobles in court, she micromanages the nation's finances. she's so insanely busy, and thats how she likes it. she always has time for tea with mai and training with zuko somehow. and zuko is much the same. he's never alone in a room, and always has a pile of work to get through. as the crown prince he's heavily involved in all flavours of meetings and consultations. he usually leaves the noble shmoozing to azula, though. he hates them.

they all work together pretty cohesively, since they were born and raised into these roles of nobility. katara was. not. katara absolutely, desperately DESPISES the fn royal court. no one tells her fucking ANYTHING about the tiny intricate sublties. its all very ridiculous to her. the stubborn, proffessional distance everyone keeps with each other is the worst of it for katara, who grew up in a very loving community that has no issues about physical or emotional intimacy. it's terribly lonely. she's stubborn enough to keep bashing her head against the wall trying to work her way through it, bc she refuses to be excluded from the halls of power of her new life. she's also kind of upset that despite being married to azula, she rarely ever SEES her, hardly gets the chance to know her (and connect with the one person she's allowed to have in the endlessly lonely palace halls). azula is simply so absorbed into her duties (and avoiding katara) that they only glimpse each other in their shared quarters. to katara's irritation and mai's distaste, those two seem to be the only people who see each other regularly. its really not a fun time for katara. she stumbles and makes mistakes and it's only then she ever gets to see her wife - and it's always azula's ire that she gets to recieve. toxic yuri.....

SO. thank you for asking abt this. i hope my complete word vomit makes a lick of sense. i adore talking about this au. peace and love on planet azutara

[sinfulseashell]

How would Yandere Bonten react to a broken reader? Not as in broken where they're compliant and does whatever they want, like broken they're unresponsive, doesn't move, eat or sleep that much. Like a broken husk of human being.

(Also because I'm nice let's imagine that they stayed like that for only a few months and after a bit they started moving and eating again, how would they react to that?)

A/N: You’re very nice anon 😂

Y!Mikey: Dark lifeless eyes glare at the interviewer slowly bringing his body to sit up as he leaned forward onto his knees, “If this is what they want then who am I do change them.” He sighs letting his eyes drop to the floor, “Yet…I couldn’t allow myself to let them be that way…” he whispers though his words were loud enough to cause the room to fall completely silent. Mikey brings his eyes to look around quickly standing up, white locks covering his face as he clears his throat. “I…I need to go..” was the last words he spoke before rushing out of the room.

Bonten: Watches him leave slowly bringing their gaze back to the interviewer.

Y!Koko: “These types of questions make him…slightly…um…uncomfortable.” He speaks lightly before clapping his hands. “Anyways let’s continue.”

Y!Sanzu: “Hmmm, well usually when I feel dead inside…I take my happy pills.” He smiles.

Y!Rin: “Dear god…no! No! Don’t answer this question like that! Not everyone wants to be doped up all the fucking time! Fucking idiot!” The male hisses at the pinkette.

Y!Sanzu: “Geez who the fuck pissed in your coffee? I was just trying to lighten the mood.” The male chuckled before responding again. “Ok honestly…it’s fucked up that they became this way, but…I would take the time to help them…heal? Is that the word? I mean me healing them? I can��t even heal myself from my own trauma.” He cackled. “Anyways that’s the best bullshit I could give.”

Y!Takeomi: “Come on…we’re talking about caring for them and bringing our darlings back up.” With an exasperated sigh Takeomi pulled out his box of cigarettes, bringing one to his lips and lighting the nicotine. While exhaling the smoke he began to speak once more, “The fact that my darling would even be so broken would hurt me…all I can do is give them time and make sure they feel as loved. I will do whatever it takes to treat them with enough care to bring them back to life.”

Y!Koko: “I seriously think this question is a little too…what’s the word…unnecessary? No…I guess what I’m trying to say is that, this question expects us to be soft and most of us…” The male looks over at Sanzu. “Are not capable of such things…but I’ll go ahead and answer it. Let’s see I can always get them the help they need, I mean money is no issue. If that doesn’t help then I’ll make sure I shower them with expensive gifts. That always makes me happy.” He hummed.

Y!Ran: “They simply asked what we would do to help them not smother them with unnecessary things.” Ran scoffed.

Y!Koko: “I swear to go Haitani…”

Y!Rin: “Alright let’s move on before things get out of hand.” The male rolls his eyes in annoyance turning his gaze over to the interviewer, “If my darling ever becomes a husk of a human the only thing I would like to do is be there for them.”

Y!Ran: “Aw, Thats so sweet…I knew I raised you right.” He smiles while wiping a “tear” from his eye.

Y!Rin: “Just shut the fuck up…weirdo.” The younger Haitani spat.

Y!Ran: “You’re absolutely adorable when you’re mad.” He chuckled, “Anyways. It’s hard to say what I would do for them since most of the answers have been taken. It’s not that I wouldn’t do anything in my power to help my darling, but I can only do so much and if they don’t want to help themselves well then I’m limited on my ability. I’m a human sweetheart, not a god.”

Y!Mochi: “I think all of you are forgetting the point here. We are supposed to make this sweet and caring, and honestly none of you are doing a good job at it.” He spoke with a shake of his head.

Y!Sanzu: “Oh yeah? Well Mr. Shan Yu. What would you do since you’re so fucking great.” Sanzu spoke sarcastically.

Y!Mochi: “I told you not to call me that.” He growled.

Y!Sanzu: “It’s not my fault you look like him! I mean you’re damn near bald so after that I will officially have your name changed to Shan Yu.”

Y!Mochi: “Thats it!” Standing up he rushed over to Sanzu quickly giving him a quick jab causing the others to immediately intervene.

Host: “Cut the feed! Cut it!”

**BRIEF INTERMISSION**

The feed cuts back on with just Kakucho showing.

Host: “I’m sorry Mr. Hitto, please forgive us for taking so long. Can you please continue with your final answer.

Y!Kakucho: “Don’t worry about it, I deal with that on a daily basis.” He spoke matter-of-factly. “As for your question…I would make sure to get my darling help…make sure to be there every step of the way including being at their therapy. I would never leave their side, I will make sure my darling bathes, eats and sleeps even if it meant that I would loose sleep, food or anything else as well. When my darling would be hurting, I will hurt with them…I would want to build them again…give them love…” he sighs while bringing his gaze down to his lap seeing the screen shine with a message from his darling, a small smile played across his lips as he stood up. “I have to go.” Without another word the male left.

I’m so sorry this took so long, but I hope all of your enjoy! 🩷

[cromearts]

so i watched interview with the vampire.

and you're gonna be like "laila, i thought you like to watch things after the hype has died down" well i thought so too but they put it on netflix and the brainworms got to me. i watched both seasons in a weekend. i'm gonna read the books next. usually i really don't like shows where the characters you follow are just "so complex!!!1!!!!1" and "hard to understand!!!1!!!!1" because a lot of the time this is just a cheap copout for people who want to fuck very surface level villains with very surface level writing (a lot of you have let fanon make you think some characters are deeper than they actually are but thats a story for another day) but i am SO happy to report that this is NOT the case for interview with the vampire. you have so many conflicting feelings for all of these characters (except claudia. i do in fact support her every decision. love that queen. my princess.) and it's just so good. this is the true drama people are looking for on tv. kind of wish it was on during the era of cable cuz you KNOW it would've been craycray. going into this, i really was expecting to completely dislike lestat but honestly i can't even say that. i love him and i hate him. the same way i love and hate louis and i love and hate armand. claudia and daniel are really the only characters that i love unconditionally. but there are so many scenes that just really pull on my heart strings. the finale where lestat says "armand called me, did you hurt yourself?" with those SAD ASS EYES. i don't know if people have already said this but whenever lestat is really sad sam reid puts on these puppy eyes that practically FORCE you to feel bad its insane. and louis.......... the man who is fumbled over and over again constantly. my favorite unreliable narrator. seeing how the "turning of claudia REALLY went down lowkey rewired some neurons. "please ill do anything ill be anything please please please." the guilt was literally eating him alive to the point of no return. that had me really gagged. jacob anderson lowkey best actor ever? like where are the awards we need them right now. and armand......... oh armand. biggest fumbler ive ever seen. its okay though cuz he's gonna fuck that old man. i know he is. but him lying over and over again to louis is actually so crazy. like bro is a pathological liar AND a gaslighter. you've been alive for over five hundred years and i can tell you havent gone to therapy not one time in your entire life. like for him to take the credit for lestat saving louis is what REALLY got me. like lowkey that's worse than the betrayal itself. like 70 years of mending back together our relationship after you killed my daughter and almost me only for me to find out MY EX SAVED ME? AND NOT YOU? like oh i would've really crashed out. and my dear claudia.... my favorite. it's so crazy like i will absolutely not allow any claudia slander because i can defend her from anything. like i genuinely do not think any "bad" thing claudia does is her fault because she literally did not ask for this. like you can argue that it made her life WORSE! instead of simply dying in that moment, she had to die later after suffering so much and THEN proceeding to experience happiness for one moment (insert the have you ever gotten everything you ever wanted? no. but i once got very close quote here). claudia did nothing but suffer, was treated seriously by NO ONE in her life, and the one time someone picks her, they both proceed to die immediately after. that genuinely upset me so much i wanted to turn the tv off. and the crazy thing is we ALL knew claudia was going to die because they talked about her in past tense THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW! LIKE I KNEW SHE WAS DEAD THE ENTIRE TIME! AND I STILL WANTED TO SMASH THE TV! it's actually insane. at least in her final moments madeleine chose her. which was done very beautifully in my opinion. "my coven is claudia." goosebumps man. because a lot of people probably would've chosen the other option but no not madeleine. she loved claudia more than she wanted to live. i love this show man.

[strayheartless]

Do you ever think about the fact that Terra technically has a little bit of responsibility to take for what happened to Riku in KH1? Cause I do.

Like I’m not saying that Terra is terrible or that he’s completely to blame, because he’s not. I love Terra as a character. He’s great! However I am saying that one of the many mistakes Terra made in BBS was bequeathing his Keyblade to Riku the way he did.

And I think Aqua knew it too.

Maybe I’m stating the obvious here, but something that becomes pretty apparent to me from that scene is that Terra didn’t actually think about the logistics of giving his keyblade to a seven year old kid. Nor did he really think of the responsibility that placed on him, to teach Riku how to be a keyblade barer.

When Terra helps Riku make the oath, he doesn’t really explain the weight of it to Riku, and quite honestly even if he had, Riku was still only seven. Yes okay, he was a seven year old who thought protecting his best friend was the most important thing, but he’s still only seven. Terra could t really expect Riku to comprehend what taking on the role of a keyblade barer meant, especially since Riku didn’t even know what one was!

And then Terra leaves, and it’s not made clear whether or not he plans to come back and teach Riku. He leaves this kid to simply figure this stuff out by himself, when Riku doesn’t even know where to start.

By comparison Aqua makes a purposeful decision not to bequeath her keyblade to sora. And I think that was less to do with the fact that Terra had already given one of the boys a keyblade, and more to do with the fact that she recognised that unless she was sure she could come back, then giving the keyblade to sora would be a bad idea. Because she couldn’t come back to teach him the way Terra, Ven and herself were taught. She knew better then to place that pressure on a child, to simply do it themselves.

Personally I believe that part of Riku’s desperation to be the best. To be the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, the wisest; came from an expectation that Terra placed on him to “have the strength to protect what matters”.

Riku had no idea that what he needed was a teacher. He had no idea the amount of training and practice it took to become a keyblade master, because he didn’t have a teacher! Because Terra left, and he never came back.

And I know that’s not Terras fault. But part of the reason I think that it was such a bad idea to gift Riku the keyblade, was because -technically- Terra didn’t have the right. He wasn’t a master, he failed his exam and was made to go away and re-evaluate his relationship to the darkness.

To me thats the first sign that you shouldn’t be handing out keyblades to kids on beaches.

Riku had the same priorities as Terra, and that was both of their downfalls in the end. It’s becoming Sora’s weakness in real time as we play the games. The difference is, Riku became a master because -unlike Terra he stared long and hard at his relationship to the darkness and learned that it wasn’t about using it to protect his friends, it was about allowing it to consume him.

But Riku could only learn that because he was pushed to the brink of destruction, that was caused by his fear of failing to become a Keyblade barer.

And who placed that weight of expectation on him?

Terra.

I dunno man, I have a lot of thinking thoughts. Most of them incoherent.

Tell me what you think???

[risetherivermoon]

I WANNA HEAR YOUR CROUCH FAMILY THOUGHT GIB GIB FEED MOIII!!!

snail ur amazing, also yes i shall :)) im always happy to talk about them oh my godddd, some of this will be a mix of general thoughts and just convos me and Leo ( @lostforgottenspaces ) have had abt the crouch family, specifically for our fic SFTDWD (Sing For The Damage We've Done) be prepped for a long ass rant!!

anyways, i feel like people don't talk about their canonical story as much as they should because they're so interestingggg,

Snr being in the ministry and not w/ the deatheaters?? Barty getting involved with them through his time at hogwarts??? The trial flashback??? Bartys own trial??? Mrs. Crouch sacrificing herself for her son??? Snr openly hating his own son??? Snr locking Barty away for decades in his childhood home??? Barty killing Snr?? Barty going back to the deatheaters?? like helloooo????

the angst potential there is so good i wish people used it moreee,

in my mind i view their dynamic as; Snr meeting Bartys mom/Laura (I usually name her Laura so I'll probably just use that here) in Italy when they are young, probably around 18-19. Laura had been homeschooled as a witch there with her family, and she meets Snr and they actually have a very happy love story,

but as time goes on, Snr's drive for success within the ministry pulls the couple a part. Snr believes he knows Laura fully, and that she's an angel, which is not true! Laura is human person who makes mistakes, but Snr sees her as someone higher, so when she does makes mistakes he loses it. They have a child because of a societal expectations, Snr never wanted kids, he believes them having a child will only hold him back.

Barty is born, Snr doesn't pay him much mind, though he tries to get past his negative feelings to be a father to his son. He attempts to be a better father than his own father was to him, but as time goes on he starts to care less and less. I imagine something happens in the ministry, maybe he gets demoted, and he starts blaming Barty for those problems, as well as Laura too.

Barty attempts to get his fathers positive attention for most of his childhood, though he never gets it. His father uses curses on him, especially the imperius curse, to get him to leave Snr alone. Laura tries to get Snr to stop, because she loves Barty, but Snr won't.

Another thing I like to note is because of Snr's cruel treatment of his son, Barty is much closer with his mother. Though he, as well as Snr, start to see her in this perfect light, and is confused when she does something that is more siding with Snr than with Barty. I think it adds depth to the two of them, being similar like that, and it makes Laura quite the tragic character imo, so yk 🤭 i love tragedy

anywho, Barty isn't allowed to leave the house much as a child, his only way of refuge is books and studying, so thats what he does. He reads and takes notes, etc. This is one of the reasons why he decides to take on all of his OWLs when he's in Hogwarts.

id imagine Barty slowly gets involved with Deatheater stuff simply by association with his classmates, hearing them talk, being a part of things like that. He'll join the deatheaters with them, secretly.

when he turns 18 and graduates, he gets a job at the ministry per his fathers request, while still being in with the deatheaters. A year passes, and at only 19 he gets exposed during Karkaroff's trial, his father is shocked and so is his mother. During his own trial, (along with the Lestranges) he gets sentenced to Azkaban, both his mother and father are present.

his capture soon weakens Laura's health, and she becomes weak. She tells Snr her last request, which is to save her son from a life in Azkaban. Snr begrudgingly helps her with this, and she switches place with Barty. Barty resists at first, though his mother tells him everything will be okay, because his father will keep him safe. Laura doesn't know what Snr will do afterwards to keep Barty out of the Deatheaters and Voldemorts company.

Barty still remains a prisoner, although now one in his own home, his childhood home. He's barely 21 at the time, and he spends around a decade there. Snr mostly ignores him, only hearing of him from their house elf, Winky. She becomes Barty's caregiver, bringing him food and keeping him company. Barty would ask her for the current news, for books to keep him entertained, and simply just to be around. Though, Winky wasn't allowed to talk to him mostly, she would follow his requests, and would stay around sometimes.

Barty was the one to convince Winky to bring him to a quidditch match, she then convinced Snr, who begrudgingly accepted after being prodded quite a bit. Then...well yk most of the rest of the story, blah blah he escapes for a second, blah blah...yk the jist.

I also like to think that Barty talks to Moody while he's being held captive in the suitcase thingy. He doesn't have anyone else to talk to and he hasn't been out of captivity in a while, which is one of the reasons why people think Moody is acting so weird, as he's being freakishly antisocial and unaware of things. But Moody knows like a shit ton about Barty and his life, just because I think that would be fun lol,

Barty then kills his father finally in an act of revenge, something that had been replaying in his head for years...he'd been imagining that moment since forever. He finally kills the man who tormented him for his whole life, and he relishes in the fact of seeing that Snr is terrified of him now, bc finally Snr gets to feel the same way that he had made his son feel for Barty's entire life.

And then, Barty loses his soul from the dementors kiss, and he's all alone...yk i love that fact so much. Especially for those Slytherin Skittle fans, Barty dies last out of all of them, and he's all alone.

another thing id like to note is Barty's involvement with the deatheaters. I think that it was a mix of him being with the wrong crowd, as well as basically seeking them out. He's being abused and neglected by his father, and it causes him to act out more, and he finds these kids who are basically doing the same thing, so he joins them, and then follows them. He's just a child when he does, he's ignorant obviously, and i think that's what really gets to me about his character.

Barty is practically still a child when everything happens to him. He and a lot of the deatheater characters in the marauders era are just victims of being looped in as a child, if childhood ignorance and abuse. Even though the crouch family isn't involved in the deatheaters, Barty still seeks comfort in it because he can't find it anywhere else, which is just fkin heartbreakingggg,

i love this family so much, they're so goddamn interesting to me, i love barty angst and just his character in general, i would love to see more people explore it, and i will always continue to throw my bbg around like a ragdoll!!!

anyway, thank u for the ask!! i love talking about them, so i will actually die for anyone who asks me abt them,

[swolesecrets]

America is Obese.

Before I begin, I think it is crucial that I tell you a bit about me... My name is Gwyneth, I am a 17 year old girl who loves fitness, starting my fitness journey around 2-3 years ago. I have always had a caring and empathic personality, ultimately hoping to help people. For that reason among many others, I plan on pursuing a career in nursing as well as personal training. My goal is to preach the wonders of the fitness world whilst assisting people to attain their goals. Welcome to swolesecrets...  

The detrimental obesity epidemic is an overlooked societal issue specifically throughout the Western community. "The latest estimates are that approximately 34% of adults and 15–20% of children and adolescents in the U.S. are obese." According to https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov, this concludes that obesity is a health concern that affects every age segment of the U.S population. Just how detrimental can an obese population really be though?.. VERY bad. 

Defined by the Oxford English Dictionary, the term obesity is “The condition of being extremely fat or overweight; stoutness, corpulence.” Ultimately posing affects one's physical capabilities and quality of life. 

“But how does someone else’s physical health affect you?” 

As a gym nerd myself and an aspiring personal trainer, it is simply a fact that this growing obesity epidemic will have an impact on the society as a whole, and here’s why… Given that as seen by definition; this state of health imposes compromises to the individual's physical demands… We can foresee economical issues given that more people are incapable of doing difficult jobs essential to a functioning society, such as trade work, floor nursing and emergency services amongst many others, and in fact increase tax rates and pose negative effects on the healthcare system. 

Just within recent years, obesity rates have spiked immensely. In terms of a historical science stand-point, early primates and our ancestors were “physically fit”, because it was a factor that determined their survival rate, which can be proved by the Darwin Theory. “Survival of the fittest” literally and metaphorically. 

It is most important to note that weight does not correspond to obesity! Everyone is different, in terms of metabolisms, genetics, bone structure and where they may carry weight. To say that being “skinny” or being “larger” is healthy or unhealthy is unfair, the truth is, there's no set definition of what a healthy person is as long as their body does not compromise them from expected average tasks and their favorite activities. Did you know that exercising speeds up your metabolic rate naturally, thust decreasing your risk of obesity.

In the most simple way, weight is determined by the average ratio of calories being consumed to calories being burnt. When the average person consumes more than what the body is able to burn, that's when we can observe a gain of weight.

“But do the pros REALLY outweigh the cons?”

There are so many reasons why exercise is beneficial for humans' emotional, physical and psychological well-being. I think that everyone could benefit from exercise, especially for themselves. It doesn't matter how you do it, the fitness world is so immense from weightlifting, zumba classes, pilates, yoga, aqua fitness, sports, swimming, cardio, home workouts, biking and perhaps even walking your dog.

Let's be real, many of us don't like exercising at first. I certaintly didn't. I was in grade 9 during the pandemic when I first set foot in the gym, not knowing what the muscle groups were even called. Nor what a benchpress even was. Thankfully though, through my mask no one could see my facial expression of udder confusion looking up "back workouts for girls", "instant ab workouts", "toned full body workout." into my TikTok search. I think thats one of the many reasons why fitness could benefit EVERYONE. It allows you to challenge yourself; work towards something. For me personally I truly believe fitness has helped immensely with my mental health. From being so isolated in my room every day throughout lockdown, fitness taught me determination, improved my work ethic, allowed me to process my feelings and gain confidence.

With that being said, throughout this Blog I will discuss the insides of the fitness industry including, the many benefits of working out, motivation sources, my journey in depth, healthy nutrition advice, my favorite workouts, time management with working out and much more…

[catnherthoughts]

valentines day 2/14/2023

we finally have an end to the story of the man from the party. I think I knew this was coming all along. through the entire 3 month duration of us. I had os much hope. i thought he would finally be the one that would break the cycle. that he cared and loved me. part of me wants to believe that he does still care. it doesn't really matter anyways. the cycle took its toll on me once again. after being used as the object i so apparently am, I was seen as crazy and I am to be never contacted again. I stayed in this dreaded town for the weekend in order to see him, spend at least 24 hours with him.watch a few movies maybe, kiss, enjoy being in each other's company. i'm not dumb, i knew we would have sex. after waiting and waiting i saw he was at a party and flipped out because i had been waiting for him all day. the resentment in his demeanor is something you can only realize once you look back. the way he could barely look me in the eye. the way he criticized me. the coldness towards me. It hurts a bit to think back on so I won't. Of course i let him do what he wanted to. even if he disrespected me. did i expect a man to come over to apologize and simply appreciated being in my presence? ha. i cant say that i didn't want to as well but there was just this feeling of emptiness that followed. afterwards when we were laying down. i could tell he didn't really feel anything towards me. there were some moments during that just made me inner child break. There were things i did not feel like doing, some parts that made me feel uncomfortable, whatever. but i thought if i fucked him in the way that he wanted he would care about me enough to be the man I wanted him to be. never. he couldn't even give me the courtesy of responding to my text asking him if he got back to his dorm safely?? what did he see in me? was i too crazy again. did i express too many emotions. I was drunk im sorry i revealed too much of myself. just come back, hold my hand. It justs makes me feel as if no matter what i do i will never be seen as someone that can be loved. always the girl you can fuck but never the one who you can hold tenderly. i dont think i deserve that. I want to feel like I matter. it feels as if ill never be loved in the way i need. why survive then? why keep putting the effort in to try and be happy and live life if i can never achieve my main goal. the thing is he was so good at making it seem like he actually liked me. he would text me all night, he would tell me how pretty i am, etc. now after looking back i am realizing that for the most part the only time love was mentioned was when he was describing how much he loved fucking me. But if i cut myself over this im the one in the wrong. im so sick of having to take it. having to deal with it and pretend like it doesn't affect me like some sort of person made of steel. it hurts and i can't pretend like it doesn't anymore. the fourth man to use me for my body. at this point its not even mine anymore, tis their's. I won't let the thing they took from me live on anymore. I won't allow it to be pretty so they can look me up and down like some trophy they earned for manipulating me in just the right way where i thought that if i gave them it, they'd finally love me. the sickest thing is, part of me wants him to come back so bad. maybe if i fuck him in just the right way one more time he'll see me as someone who he could love. my friend's tell me that I'm out of his league and that he is ugly whatever. I think thats worse. someone that vile still had the power over me to get what they wanted. i just want to be loved and I don't that is too much to ask for. Today maybe i will do it. or maybe ill cry. maybe ill show up to his place of residence screaming. nothing will really solve this issue. he doesn't love me. i dont think anyone will. now i just have to live with the fact that i was in fact used once again. another body with nothing to show for it as a wise man once said. my lack of self worth is really showing, coming from another woman. I need to kill myself, this sort of world is not for me.