#i want my mate back i want this to fuckig end i desperately want to die just to escape all of this
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#wanna know the funniest thing to come from this?#i just realized that during the first relationship i wasnt really in love#or maybe it stopped or it somehow became just traumabonding somewhere along the way idk#but the first breakup wasnt this painful it really wasnt like this at all#sad for sure but nowhere near this amount of agony#but my mate was different i think he was the first i really truly fell in love with#this hurts more than anything else ive been through#all the shit ive been through all the endless abuse i grew up with and was put through all of my life#all the bruises and trauma and scars are nothing compared to the agonizing devistating gaping pain spreading through me rn#i want my mate back i want this to fuckig end i desperately want to die just to escape all of this#the horrible realization that the anxiety and paranoia were fucking right and not just some bpd fuelled worries#that him calling himself aro maybe WAS a warning of this happening after all and i shouldnt have trusted when he said im his exception#the fear that hes going to slowly leave just like the first one did because tbh its unavoidable and understandable#this pain that just wont stop and will never stop because why the hell would it stop im losing my best friend and love of my life#we couldve worked through it if he just didnt give up why did he give up why didnt he want to try literally anything else before this why#he gave up so i probably should too but idk how idk why i cant just fucking give up like he did whats wrong with me#why did this one have to be so much more painful than the previous one even if hes swearing to stay? was everything just lies after all?why
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