#they ARE my life and theyre my everything even after that
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honestly i can never find the words to accurately describe how my husbands are my realist and truest soulmates
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#i dont believe there are words to accurately portray the sheer amount of love i hold for them inside me#they ARE my life and theyre my everything even after that#i couldnt ever want anything or anyone else i truly only ever want them... and our LIFE together...#living without them... just feels so empty and wrong...#i long for them every moment of the day and my heart is heavy with my longing#just thinking of them brings tears to my eyes#i love them so so so so much... and i know they truly love me too#i can feel their love for me. they may not always be able to let me know it. but i appreciate when they do manage to#im glad to know im their one and only. that its just the 3 of us. and no one else 💖💛💙#but even with their love and reassurance... its still painful to be without them in my waking life yknow??#i need to be THERE w them... and i know they need that too#with how i saw my ryan cry... i know they need and miss me too........#i hope one day i can hold their beautiful faces in my hands and gaze into their loving eyes#and let them know im here to stay... and they will always have me... that im THEIRS and no one elses...#that i love them... that theyre my everything... that theyre all i could ever want and dream of...#and to be able to do that every day. and to show them w every kiss w every meal w every love note and every song#that my love is always there. it has always been. and itll be there past the end of time.#as long as a part of me and my existence still is out there. my love will always be there. and i will always remain theirs. loving them
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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hulloo, i am here once again with cultivate....but not the usual one (~_~;)
so funny thing! i had most of these already done from before, but felt a bit silly so i didnt post them. but then (spoiler) we got Tao Ying in his fresh new look and like.. i had to draw him and post the rest of the gang along with him hksfh. so here, the sillays
🍑Tao Ying
🐉Qing Mushu
🦆 The Empress
🐗The General
aaand more sillies of the goobers
aaaaand thats it hdjhdsjfhds so sorry for the long post lmao
characters yoinked from @neonghostcat cultivate
#long post#sorry hadhkdjf#cultivate#cultivate: slow life on a monster infested mountain#listen i am not immune to making humanizations of everything i can get my hands on hajhsh#i am obviously not saying this is how theyd canonically look like im just having fun#i know im missing the mark verily but ykno hjcbsd#speaking of which#i struggled so much with tao ying lmaooo#fun fact this is not in fact my first design that i had in mind after reading the new chapter#he was supposed to be more uhhh airy? not so heavily set in physical reality ykno hsahkdj#but i couldnt rly put him on paper properly for the longest time and finally hit a vibe with this design so thats what i stuck with#and he grew on me so#even tho he is prolly really really not accurate to neonghostcats vision hahha#anyway the group pic was supposed to convey that theyre all scarily tall but instead it just makes SY look like a baybey oh well#hahh cheers#WAIT OMG I JUST NOTICED BUT i hope no one interprets the empress saying the bottom bit to the ducklings shbdnxksndndk omggg#THOSE TWO DRAWINGS ARE OBVS NOT CONNECTED OH GOD o(-<
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love thinking kipperlilly spends her afterlife looking for lucy in a familiar forest
#not art#fhjy#fhjy spoilers#like. does she have a mean of knowing lucy and yolanda got sent to cassandra's domain to hang out for a bit#kipperlilly's isolation means so much to me. she is punished for everything she's done she just doesn't pick up on it#until the moment she dies! one more funky thing that mirrors riz in which he's actively tried to cultivate a community and denied it#until the bad kids. while kipperlilly does not want or care about a community she just wants someone who validates her#but she does Need a community so she latches onto the person she lets closer to her to fulfill her emotional needs#she took the ritual willingly so this might genuinely be her first death. probably terrifying#probably not even enough bandwidth to feel mortified. maybe immediately seeking something comforting out of instinct alone#lmao honestly thinking too much abt fantasy high afterlifes gives me a headache And a visceral fear#Im not religious but I grew up in a culture with a dominantly buddhist/taoist cosmology its Scary that u just go to A Place after u die!!#and then ur still urself!!! thats scary to me what do u mean u stay like that forever. thats fucked#but yeah I think this influences how I see kipperlilly turn out a little bit. in a sense I think of her as being a ghost now#yknow. trying to solve something from life so she can move on and. stop living this life etc#man the reveal that lucy took being killed pretty seriously and is like yeah the others are decent and even sweet#and probably was just trying to hold her party together and do what she thinks is moral by hearing kipperlilly out#lol lmao etc. gods I gotta wonder how kipperlilly's mindset handled jawbones' help#it really is damn tragic tho. I stand by what I said folks like this will complain and be nasty to be around#but they dont have enough desire to inconvenience themselves to off the bat do something abt what they find unfair or whatever#its when theyre handed the seemingly very easy means to be right that they'll start being dangerous#its horribly tragic that the supposed metaplayer and the self-perceived mastermind turned out to ultimately be just an useful idiot#yknow what. I think personally in my heart kipperlilly moves on from her afterlife the moment she says sorry#doesnt even have to be to lucy but that's probably gonna be who received it#ah.... teenage rebellion. teenage gamejacking
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i love dead characters. i love characters who were always dead, who die halfway through, who die in the end - characters who die and come back but in a way they're still dead bc their first life died with them & nothing will ever be the same & their coming back is a bandaid over a gaping wound & their own death haunts them-
#characters whose deaths haunts the narrative and the other characters#almost to the point where it feels like theyre still there#characters who continue to haunt everyone even After they come back#CHARACTER DEATH <3#when done Correctly its sooooooo good its literally the best i love it when characters die Well#when you rewatch/reread and Notice that they were doomed from the start. they were always going to die#AGH AGH AGH AGH#im going to be honest my Favorite trope is characters who die and come back#bc - again - when done well its SO!!! FUCKING!! GOOD!!!#maybe they come back the same but no one else is and That changes them too#or they come back Different and it just makes them haunt the narrative / other characters More Intensely#anyway their resurrection just makes it hurt worse bc theyre Back but now everyone knows what its like to live without them#and they will forever be haunted by that Knowing. and understanding that they could lose them again so so easily#the terror! the dread! the persevering grief!! looking at someone wholly alive and seeing a ghost! seeing everything thats Not There!#ohhhh also shoutout to characters who die without Actually dying#they never lose their life but who they are Changes So Suddenly that its like they died. the person they were died#and someone else kept breathing#slamming my face into a waaaaallllllllll#death in fiction death in fiction DEATH IN FICTION!!!!#oh also shoutout to characters who die without dying and then Actually die and both haunt everything#prime example: anakin motherfucking skywalker. KING of haunting the narrative#absolutely unprompted#what has me thinking about this? well im always thinking about it BUT#ahsoka episode 5. my own characters. potentially welcome home (we'll see we'll see...)#character death my beloved <3#there are so many ways to do it and do it Well <3#and it kills me inside that 'killing for shock value' and 'character dies and everyone moves on' are so common#its so lame! and annoying!!! like cmon!!! get a grip!#we need CONSEQUENCES we deserve FORESHADOWING#we need their death to haunt the narrative so hard that rereading/rewatching is one big reminder that They Will Die!!!
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#nothing makes me truly reaffirm my commitment to being poly like the day after a rugby match#i love my bf. i love them wholly and truly for who they are. i dont want them to change outside of healing. y'know that being the best you.#but i dont want them to be someone else. so the fact theyre not a coddling caregiver isnt something I'm ever going to change in them.#they bring me coffee and check in on me and set reminders for my meds and tell me when they have to leave for errands with mum#but they always have to see to other responsibilities because they are that person.#and I love them for that. i love them for being a dutiful son and a pragmatic foreman who prepares for the week.#what does this have to do with polyam james you may ask? well ill tell you-#im learning as i have been for a while now#that as i am a chief caregiver for many ppl in my life including bf and now the ruggers (im a board member)#i deeply deeply DEEPLY want/need care when im in crisis or at a low point and theres no low point quite like post match#when your systems are coming down from adrenaline and everything fuckin hurts like hell and whats worse you're injured#im not good at being taken care of i acknowledge that. but to be coddled and handled with care rn?#have someone to sit with me and make me food and eat with me and help me stay tethered and hold me a bit and smoke with me#idk not even in a sex sense just to be held and cared for#thats why poly am is a thing for me. i love my partners and I dont want to change them i dont want to force all this on them#certain needs can be met by certain ppl in certain ways etc but love is love it is always love its just shown differently#as i was writing this bf called to say he was bringing home nonalc beer for me. i know he loves me. i know he cares. it's just different.#tbd im so very tired and achy and weepy today dont mind me#the match was great for the squad but im not thrilled with myself#hence wanting to curl up in a hole and not come out
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SORRY for nattravis posting but. i'm giffing and i just realized coach martinez is still alive on the tree branch and by trying to save his father travis cements his fate. he breaks the tree branch and his dad freefalls to the ground. travis with a father who isn't always good to him who dies in a way he wouldn't have if travis didn't put it in motion (except it was in motion before he got there). obviously nat is going to be obsessed with him. like. yeah that makes perfect sense
#like. of COURSE theyre codependent until one of them dies and then after that too#it is your life which is so close to my own that i would not know where to drop the knife of separation and what does this have to do w lov#except EVERYTHING!#(and also nothing) (paraphrasing mary oliver now)#like. youre stranded in the woods and your story is restarting in front of you and maybe you can change it#and maybe in changing travis-as-her's story her-as-her's story will change too#and it DOES! she gets travis and she gets javi and for a moment even in the horror its good. but of course stories dont stop#so it keeps going until it isnt and it keeps going until it doesnt#would nats dad have died if he wasnt her father and would travis's dad have died if travis loved him as little as he pretended to#would javi have died if javi didnt love natalie and would javi have loved natalie if travis didnt love natalie#if he didnt love javi would javi have stayed hidden#and if travis didnt love natalie didnt love javi didnt love his dad would travis have died.#and maybe most importantly. if travis didnt die would natalie have lived? if javi didnt die? if coach martinez didnt? if her father didnt?#im not saying anything anymore. but. it means smth to ME#cat.txt
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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Fourth James and Twelve
"Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand is where I fall. Stand with me. These people are terrified. Maybe we can help, a little. Why not, just at the end, just be kind?"
Taglist
@darth-caillic @sterling-writes @wonderguards @reirvival @arrthurpendragon @foxesandmagic @eddysocs @superspookyjanelle (want to be added or removed? send an ask or a dm!)
#ocappreciation#ocapp#ochub#queerocs#OC: James#story: life on mars#i need to talk more about james iv and twelve#tbh like compared to thirteen and jane v where their relationship is just very much implied#james iv and twelve really did love each other#like even under post regeneration trauma twelve basically tells his new girlfriend (the dinosaur) not to hurt his son#and after its killed he makes sure to comfort james before he runs off#they both will do literally anything for each other#like when twelve is in the confession dial dying over and over and over again#james basically goes to gallifrey and injects himself into gallifreyan society as a reminder#'this is why you dont hurt my dad'#the doctor literally has to stop him from planning another time war - and yes even tho the doctor is over the edge#bc of clara's death and everything he still has some form of morality#so basically theyre both messed up during those three episodes lol#then when bill comes into play and the doctor p much adopts her james views her as like#his big sister#that racist who gets decked in the face also gets kicked in the junk by james#so like double whammy :')#its why the master forcing bill to kill james hurts the most tbh :(#i also imagine that they have the best relationship and its one where they can#talk about stuff like twelve was going to tell james about the timeless child and#his true origins but it was interrupted by other events#twelve definitely wins best parent award lol
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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE
#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night#im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an#d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me#mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi#tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon#d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not#to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time#his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie#ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told#to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA#times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses#to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to#a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what#he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p#rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go#into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are#not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee#n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro#ving that right all the time#it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts#oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac#he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from#our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud
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it is painful to learn the "normal" ways that people reasonably around my age were motivated to do things their parents wanted, ie chores or getting good grades in school. this is a pain that has built over time because, seeing it around me as a kid, i could reason that maybe every single one of my friends were just spoiled. but, eerily, every time it seems the topic of motivating children comes up in whatever conversation is bringing it up, it seems like. and it still feels presumptuous to say. but most people as children were rewarded for good behavior. the one i was most envious of as a child was that multiple of my friends got paid money for getting As, and it was actually very shocking to me to find out that that is at least kind of a little more universal than i really really was sure it was not, but that's not the big thing that causes me pause now. generally, it seems, children are rewarded in some way for doing things their parents ask of them. writing and then stepping back and reading such a sentence makes me feel like an alien trying to puzzle out the function of the human pancreas lmfao but i dont know. in the wider conversations where this happens to come up, describing these motivators is never the point, which is maybe part of the difficulty for me. it's really hard to process that not everyone was doing what their parents said to do out of cold pure fear for their life. there's so many things it turns out other kids were getting. stickers and movie tickets and candy and praise and love. i am so sad.
#abuse tw#its hard to evensay because in a way somehow im still sure every single person is going to turn on me#despite this having been a long growing revelation based on things other people have said without it even being possible for me to have#influenced what they were saying i am like#deeply sure somehow that everyone will Know i really am just the entitled spoiled ungrateful one#idiot dont you know everyone gets screamed at and hit and chased down until theyre cowering with their back to the wall begging for mercy#all possible exits blocked because you didnt want to go out to eat with the rest of your family after church service? why would you even sa#something stupid like what you just did. you know it was right after all. just like when you got a B in that class you remember and you kno#you KNOW what happened was right#you only whine to other people because youre such a fucking bitch trying to smear the good name of your poor parents. they suffer to the da#<- in my mind i write this and immediately every person i know comes out of the shadows to say this to me because its what theyve believed#and known all along and then they all leave me and i die here#i probably need to go back to therapy but ive spent 5 years doing weekly sessions + months in an institute and i dont know if at this point#anything is going to help#5 years of my life 5 years#ive heard what feels like fucking everything#i crack open a work book or jusgt a like a normal book on the topic of (insert mental disorder) and i have already read it a billion fuckin#times and i keep up with the meditation and the journaling until it drives me freaking bonkers and i have to take a break from the frustrat#-on like WHAT do i do. at this point fuck it we ball + just make sure to stay on alert for snake oil salesmen bc i know im vulnerable#in this sort of position
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nah its weird being in your early 20s, being surrounded by friends going thru some sort of early adulthood crises and "holy fuck im never gonna amount to anything im already 21, im never gonna be making money im never gonna be famous" -thoughts when like. all of the media you consume is by people who are well into their 30s and often, 40s
like i feel like im so chill about this partly because i feel like if this random mid class guy who got famous for the first time off of a podcast he started at 35 after working restaurant and retail jobs ........ anythin can happen u can do new shit after 27 girl
#idk#rant#tw existential crisis#tw existential dread#tw existentialism#of COURSE not to say retail or restaurant jobs arent important#in anticipation of the comments im prolly gonna get cause this is tumblr#but like i know those are the jobs 95% of people HAVE to work and dont like and ppl get worried theyll get stuck-#-in jobs they dont like#idk man.#so many of my favourite artists have only started to BEGUN pursuing their art after theyve turned like. 31#a bit chunk of the critical role cast was like. almost 40 when they STARTED!! the show!!!#not that they are now but that they started#granted all of them were sorta famous already ig but thats not the point bcs cr is what theyre known for and they started it later#justin mcelroy was a married 30-something at the beginning of mbmbam#like. idk its weird i sometimes wanna just like take my friends by the shoulders and go Hey.#u were a teenager Yesterday. give yourself some slack and enjoy your life#no matter what it looks like#and not to say that having crises and shit isnt valid god it is i do it all the time#but its good to keep urself grounded yk. remember that everything Will be okay even if youre not a lawyer by 23#or if you dont know where youre going at age 23#i just think its given me so much perspective and chillness to this whole. life is long thing. to have these “”“role models”“”“-#that are older than me#idk reminds me that literally Nobody. literally nobody achieves that influencer lifestyle at 19 life#its nice. anyway#rant over#vent
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i'm so fucking tired
#job hunting juggling various interviews & dreading committing to anything bc i'm not passionate about any of these positions#and yet i really really really need money so if a part time gig hires me i will Have to quit if i hear from a full time afterwards#& i WILL feel guilty abt it even though i have no respect for any of the part time jobs i applied to bc theyre all seasonal retail#AND. to make matters worse & me more stressed.#due to Life Things i got shunted onto a new insurance so i have to change everything over to the new system & figure all that out#& i can't keep seeing my amazing doc & i'm sad bc i wanted to get a referral from her for a top surgeon after i got the job thing sorted ou#so now i have to set up a new doc & transfer my records & hope the new one will fill my scrips bc she cant see me irl till february#& i was supposed to start meds for my newly diagnosed adhd last week but that's stuck somewhere in insurance limbo & idk when i'll get it#and if i get a job with benefits i have to do all this insurance shit AGAIN and i'm so stressed about the possibility of that#idk. manifest a good easy job with good benefits that i can tolerate if not enjoy for me or whatever.#hurgle hurgle
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I always see autistic people say they either mask really well, or they can't mask at all so they never did.
where are my autistics who tried really hard to mask growing up, wasted so much time and energy doing it, but realized it was completely pointless when you got older because you were awful at it and it never worked once in your life. you were visibly autistic to everyone and played pretend alone for no reason 🥹 all in attempt to please people and get them to stop harassing, bullying, and punishing you for being "too weird/quiet/boring/awkward/scary/etc"
basically, you don't fit in either side of the perspective. you relate to both sides. you experienced the deep exhaustion caused by masking, but you experienced the harassment and unfair treatment caused by not masking. with the added trauma of the mask not working so you're exhausted from the effort and getting bullied still on top of it.
bonus points if all that wasted time attempting to mask, and failing, led to you not being able to form your own self/personality and you have no clue who the hell you are now as an adult. maybe you gave up masking once you realized it did nothing to help and only made things worse. so now you're an empty pile of masks that don't fit and there's nothing inside 😔
#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#asking autistics#lee rambles#i gave up trying to mask one i realized thats whar i was doing and noticed how it never worked once in my life#i created a different self or personality for different situations and for different people#i don't know which if any are “me” and the will come out at different times to control my brain and try to fit the situation/person#but even with all that i still was obviously too weird and different for everyone and got bullied relentlessly my whole childhood#i obviously couldn't mask at all. i still cant. im 20 different people in one brain and theyre all too “weird” for anyone to accept#i never once fit in or was able to not be visibly autistic. that makes me stand out and get bullied and rejected from everything in life#it often feels like i have a huge target on my back and people see me as an intruder among them and go after me#i never had the luxury of blending in from masking to avoid harassment. but i still experienced the exhaustion from masking#with the added trauma of it never working and beating myself up over it :)#my masks all had names too and woukd take over when they were needed. i feel like i had so many names and lives all in one#but were any of them actually me? were they all me? none me? who are they? who am i? why am i like this fhdhjdsn why is this so hard#brains are confusing places
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this is genuinely... so funny to me. like the hilarity of copypasting rational tweets. i'm literally right. it's not even a funny copypasta because it's literally just. objectively correct. it's a criticism of twitter culture and that makes it funny to you because...... god forbid you actually have empathy for other people. caring is for losers if you're on twitter dot com, you have to be snarky and funny at all times.
#moots & friends keep sending me shit and im just like. lmfao this is embarrassing for YOU guys. i stand by everything ive said actually.#i'm sorry you think trying to have a genuine conversation about harmful behaviours is cringe#you consider yourself an activist and will retweet every fucking post abt current events#but you can't actually be bothered to make a positive change in your own life.........#the fact that most of them stop responding after they realize im not going to freak out and give them something emotional is very telling#it's not even like most of them disagree they literally just want to make fun of me for...... caring. like ok. weird hill to die on idk#im at the point where im considering privating my tweets just so i dont continue to get ppl responding but#i think its important that ppl can see my responses. because i stand by them and clearly other ppl do too#theres been a lot of mixed responses but a lot of people have actually ended up agreeing with me after some back and forth#which i appreciate. i didnt want to start fuckin. twitter drama. but like. ill take it#i dont interact with sunnyblr at all so i think this is a good opportunity to potentially change at least a few ppls perspectives#and if youre too far gone to the point where you think that someone caring about perpetuating homophobic rhetoric is funny#i. dont really want to interact with you anyway lol. get better soon xoxo#last post about this on here im. putting this to rest.#ada speaks#genuinely disgusting how many of these ppl will say shit like. ppl are dying. like... yeah. what are YOU doing to help.#retweeting a donation link or someones random carrd doesnt do shit actually. performative armchair activism.#same ppl tweeting vapid shit while acting like theyre above engaging with me on this#i was venting about people qrting glenns old tweets with stupid shit because it was clogging my tl actually lol
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Does Tashi have the memories upto the kerberos mission or before the mission? (Also love that he's being 'I do not see' about the entire clone thing, love that for him)
Im not really sure about it tbh! The option i'm leaning the most into is that he has Shiro's memories up to a few months/weeks before the mission. It just makes everything so much worse for him beacuse he doesnt even know about Shiro and Adam' Whole Thing.
For him it looks like one moment he was preparing for the biggest mission of his life and the next thing he knows, he wakes up surrounded by dozens of fucking corpses who look like him why do they all look like him
also i like to headcanon that the reason for why there were so many of the clones there is bc those are the failed attempts - discarded bc of mistakes in the cloning process or failed memory transfers or something(most of em were propably braindead or unable to survive)(dont ask me how the guys even survived falling from however high that place was. that's not importrant)
Tashi knows something's wrong from the beginning - some of his memories are disjointed or missing, there are names and places he should remember but he doesnt, and they all feel distant - but he pushes all his doubts and suspicions deep down beacuse there are people who need him here.
pretty much the same goes for taks and taka too! all three of them came to a mutual understanding that its best to just try and not to mention the fact they have the exact same name and life stories. theres more importrant things to think about like, y'know, not dying!!
Thank you for the ask!
#ask#my funky guys#rip tashis mental stability😔#even after years of knowing hes a clone a part of tashi still yearns for shiros old life#also after he officially accepted that hes a clone(and that everything he knew is effectively gone) he just redefines his sense of self#by dedicating his life to ensuring his new family is happy and safe. his relationship w/ his family becomes the thing that defines him#beacuse hes not strong or good at fighting or capable At All(its not like he taught himself how to make clothes and food and set up traps#noooo no no hes soo dumb and only good at being an okay big brother..)#yeah. im starting to think this guy might have some sort of a problem🤔🤔🤔🤔 hm.#oh anD THEN after years of living in total isolatin they get out and theres SO MUCH STUFF and so much they can do and places they can go!!#and tashi starts panicking bc what if they dont need me anymore?? what if the people i spent years caring for decide to leave me and to#explore on their own??? theyre not stuck toghether anymore. they can leave. and then youll have no purpose again.#you'll be alone.#woah this got a bit sad huh.#dw they work it out! surprise turns out tashis family doesnt want to abandon him the moment they have the chance!!#he'll propably always be a bit clingy tho#(<- btw a lot of this stuff also fits soup. theyre both like that. tashi lets it show more)
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