#theres not enough of me left to give
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#vent but im adding random shit to keep it out of the tag#where do you go when every doors been closed to you#im out of energy im out of brainpower im out of will#theres not enough of me left to give#where do you go when youre still in freefall#and what to do you when you actually hit the bottom
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sunstroll
#pokemon#swsh#rival hop#professpr hop#communication coming thru from the 32 degree C midday land#it is. kind of summer. not really but its at the door#gods. disgostang. time to draw in orange#Ive been chippin away at this one while drawing the comic so I dont like. lose my mind#and now this is done! and the comic has three pages left!!#I am Going to Do It tonite. I am Going to Get That Shit Done#tomorrow there will be sad monster for ya#but for now. theres hop in more clothes. bc I really do not give him enough#coloring this one was a Challenge lol... I got too used to the kind of color aggression goin on with leon#hop has more harmony goin on in his vibes so I had to pull some weird plays for this lmao#and then everything still ends up hypersaturated bc. well its me. this is just how I am#but I'll take it!! it was pretty fun once I sussed out a way forward. coloring is always a Time#have a good day! wish me luck! boy oh boy we sure have an evening in front of us
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Listening to "Look My Way" on repeat while writing the next chapter is healthy and will not affect me (or the chapter) in any way I'm sure.
#spazzcat barks#the barking writer#unless its me?#and no matter what in this world i could give#its not enough?#to get through the walls youve conjured up to live#is this how youd feel?#abandoned all alone and left to fend for yourself?#for some semblence of happiness that doesnt have to end#i will try to make amends for making you means to an end#so look my way please look my way#and if theres something more that i dont know#ill save us both before we grow cold#if youll stay and just say 'look my way'#[loud off key singing fades into the distance]
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rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now
#me.txt#delete ltr#and i like hearing my friends talk about and show me their interests but it isnt enoughhhh its not enough right now to make my head SHUT UP#right now the only thing that can give me energy is a hyperfixation like this#but with enough content and engagement from others to keep subsisting me without hitting a wall#SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU CANNOT DRAW OR WRITE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#BECAUSE WHEN NOBODY IS MAKING ANYTHING!!!!! AND YOU CANT MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! ALL YOU CAN DO IS CURL UP AND STARVE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼#immmm so sick of the only thing that makes being alive feel worth it being hyperfixations theres nothing REAL tying me down i cant stand it#because i am!! too broken!!!! to ever achieve any of the things that WOULD give me a real solid tangible reason to keep living!!!!!!#like a stable job!!!! a place of my own!!! a partner whos dedicated to me above everyone else and me to them in return!!!!!!!#a LIFE that isnt just constantly failing over and over and waiting for the shoe to drop and to lose everything all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont have that!!! and i cant have that!!!!! because im too broken to be able to cultivate and maintain it!!!!!#and the only way. to fix myself enough to be able to do so.#would be to HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY THAT ID HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO PUT INTO FIXING MYSELF AND HEALING#i cant fix myself without stability and freedom. and i cant get stability and freedom unless i’m fixed#so it is. literally impossible!!!!!!!#impossible to create my own concrete solid reason to be here.#impossible for me to even create anything to feed the fixations that are my backup reasons.#theres nothing!! nothing!!! i have nothing new to leap to and ive been dwindling for too long and i think i am about to drown#im just waiting for time to tick out. for me to fuck up too badly to come back from one last time and get found out and punished.#and then? theres nothing left. theres literally nothing else left for me
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me lying to everyone & saying that i'm doing great because i don't want them to think i'm unhappy about top surgery because i'm not i am so incredibly grateful and over the moon. it's just that i'm suffocating in my room alone while trying not to catastrophize abt the healing process which is making me feel incredibly isolated and depressed. but it's fine
#& like. i do know i have people in my life who give a shit enough to see me but like a lot of ppl#i know are struggling right now so i understand. but it's like i've largely been taking care of myself through this.#i've been with myself through this. and i still have 3+ weeks left of leave which i need but also i might lose my mind#seeing my cousin this weekend for our combined birthday celebration so. at least theres that#and here i thought i was immune from post op depression like who was i kidding
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oops! all wips
#dndads#1st img is morgan . tried to solidify the type of person that would marry glenn & jodie and its like#manic pixie dream girl meets wife under bedsheets. fun loving carefree extremely irresponsible i imagine shes as much a bad mom as glenn is#a bad dad#close family dinner for each day of the week#i imagine its very depressing cool for kids sad for adult/college life meals#i had like a pmv/animatic of tmbg erase to nicks everything but ill never finish it sadge!#comic in the middle i was gonna do like a immediately after the final where willys defeated and schools out for summer norm and scary run#into eachother while theyre walking home#and scary would ask whats wrong and normal would be like#well knowing that the entire world ended because of me has been sort of weighing#on me yeah“ and then scary would go ”normal...do you wish that *was* the reason?“ which would lead normal getting dumbstuck cuz she hits#the nail on the hammer. and then hes incredibly defensive and hes like uh b buh NO !!! MAYBE !!! and scary would share her experience#but itd make normal more resentful cuz hed be like well it all worked out for you in the end with you and your dad and you mom who all love#you. and then scary would get irked and start to call him out but then now that the bottles been uncorked his resentment would start#spilling out.#“you burned my house down! i thought it was *my* family that had the connection with the doodler ! but why- when- ”#and normal would be so frustrated and he couldnt get his words out and hed refuse to look at scary while she looks at him w/ the hardest#look of conflicted sympathy and pain#and all she could say would be stop comparing yourself to me and shed mean that in the most compassionate way possible and norm would just#be like i know#and then the bus would come and scary would have to go but shed look back and then be like “am i still coming over saturday to play#and him busy crying would just give a thumbs up#god now that i write this out maybe i will draw it i have a little bit of time left why not#to me i think scarys someone normal would have the easiest time being mean to#one because of his latent misogyny and this like unconscious superciliousness he holds towards her yet shes the one receiving the#validation he sorely craves and knowing if theres anyone he could talk to and whos understand what hes going through its her so though he#isnt able to be emotionally vulnerable or engage in a deeper level but he does feel comfortable enough to lash out at her#last pic is if nick woke up post doodlerized and found himself on cassandras couch (where the teens placed him) and shes there to greet him
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Why the fuck did i have to become art blocked when i need money the most
#clu finally speaks#just found out the stupid piece of shit agency that my parents signed up with to put aside college money cant give me the money unless#i go fulltime#i literally fucking cant do that lmao!!!!! fall semester is the last half of my part time i literally have no other classes to take asides#from the 3 i have to take this semester#i also cant do that bc anything more than 5 classes (what the college considers full-time) is a garunteed flunk#im going to fucking kill myself!!!@!@!!! ontop of the fact im going to pay out of my own pocket to get to and from school bc these piece of#shit college institutions basically considers us part timers second class citizens that can go fuck themselves#i also have to figure out how the fuck am i going to have enough money left over to pay off the debt#theres no way my useless piece of shit ass is going to find any work in time before the debt snowballs into something thats basically going#to be with me forever#tbh i highly doubt art comms was gonna work either considering my art skills are mid and i havent posted publiclly and consistently for ppl#to even know me#but thats fucking SOMETHING. and now its gone.
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were so cooked bro all i can do is fucking give up and doom scroll and joke with my friends about getting deported and try again with voting next time
#if this is the endless cycle of the modern life i dont want it#im sick of having to care about other people#asshole post im sorry guys this is really important im just#i think people who care about whats happening to other people have TRIED and have been TRYING SO HARD#why will nothing change#why is it that no matter what anyone does there arent enough people who can make anything change#theres never enough#its never going to be enough#and then people who care start giving up#im giving up too btw i get it i really do#so its just impossible#nothing will ever change significantly enough for everyone to be safe and happy#history repeats itself#everyone who thinks they would be able to help stop bad events in the past from happening have now seen first hand thats not how it works#im so fucking done#there is literally nothing left for me or anyone i know to do#fuck this#cries dies and fries#ppanicposts#rant#vent#us politics#i guess#hot and sexy or whatever
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anyways. ough. tragedy au . falls to my knees.
#i keep forgetting JUST HOW LITTLE people know about it#its hard because like. we both know what happens so it seems almost too easy to connect the dots. but from an outside perspective everything#is SO disjointed#ITS JUST THAT IM SCAAAAARED WHAT IF WE GET FIGURED OUT IMMEDIATELY AND THEN. LIKE. WHERES THE INTRUIGUE YKYK#but then again if ppl are left in the dark 24/7 then theres no story being told#ITS HARD! HOW DO I KNOW WHATS OBVIOUS AND WHAT ISNT#looking over my red string board. how... how do i make people Get It....#ill figure it out soon enough just give me like another 5 months (kidding)#BUT I WILL FIGURE IT OUT. ......... when i have free time. which by my last post is quite rare#ah well. something something truck.
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Only thing i have to do to move on from how bitch ass messy 5th grade me was that totally was out of her control is to kill that bitch
#cherry says#that really at the end of the day when i lashed out toward others was just mean#yes youre SOMETHING mentally wrong with you but what do others have to do with you?#what does bringing other people into ur anger and confusion and make u feel distracted from being alone achieve?#mad to your classmates in general are pointing out as a collective you as a presenting woman arent feminine enough nor light enough?#fuck them fuck off#mad to a new world coming that wants you to turn into something you dont even know? mad at this image of who you even wanna be?#whats the purpose of it#self sabotaging 5th grade me ....... i have to kill you and drive off with you in a shallow grave like nothing#i wish somebody was nice to you you stayed in the library forever you thought of peoples opinions less#because theres ways to love attention daily like nothing while not caring what they say#i wish somebody was your best friend since forever and never left you and stayed and stayed#but people move like book pages and so do you because this isnt love to yourself nor others around you#and thats why i have to kill you and leave you and not even give much ceremony for because i gave u enough power anyhow
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Walked out of work today bc long story short a guest decided that she was gonna lecture me/use me & my "abhorrent, disrespectful attitude" as an example of a lesson for one of her student & I decided that standing there & being belittled wasn't worth it
#i only gave her back the disrespect she was giving me. not even as bad as she was dishing either#granted i couldve kept my composure but also she was up at the desk for 45 minutes making a mountain out of a molehill#& among other things in her ''lecture'' she told me that if any of her students or employees acted the way i did they'd be dismissed & fire#she said ''post covid there are PLENTY of people who would be lucky & LOVE to have any work right now'' & i thought#yknow. i love my job. but i dont deserve this. this isnt worth it#so i turned to the food & beverage manager who was the only MOD & said ''actually i think i will go home''#i called my AGM after i left & let her know the whole situation. even told her i understand if im fired or written up bc of this but its no#worth standing there & being lectured & having this lady lie to my face about things i said/did. i dont deserve to be treated like that#the woman really told me ''this couldve been a teachable moment for you'' LMAO lady i will let a LOT of shit slide#but i refuse to be the subject of your lesson & i certainly dont get paid enough to have anyone who isnt management lecture me#it just feels weird though. ive never walked out before. never spotainiously taken the night off. never had a situation like this before#it feels weird having left & it feels weird sitting in my bed trying to enjoy my night when my brain knows im supposed to be at work rn#oh well#my AMG said im definetly not fired & she'll talk to the lady in the morning. i couldnt care less if i was though. theres always other jobs#and to preface i even apologized to the woman both for my behavior & the disrespect. yet she still felt like making an example of me#what a week its been#emma rambles#emma vents#2023 tag
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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!
i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"
why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)
ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!
this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!
why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.
#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc#but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them#AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING#that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too#perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well#that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less#i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever#but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends#what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one#this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it#lee rambles#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#autistic friendship#friendship problems#loneliness#communication#cptsd#rsd#the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃
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probably my greatest strength is getting out of suicidal episodes by myself.
#however it makes me resent humans as you can see#i think id rather resent humans though than to needlessly punish myself just bc other ppl dont like me#whether for reasons i just dont understand. some dumb thing i said once or bc they believe bs ppl say about me#like theres no reason i have to punish myself for that. for yall like that. fuck you.#like for some of you. ill never be goodor woke enough. even if all the bs ppl make up about me is proven false. even if i clarify#what i meant when i said whatever thing bc im bad at communicating my thoughts through text. even if i became jesus fuckin christ#yall would probably still just hate me for no fucking reason. theres no way i could be good enough or perfect enough or anything#theres no way i can change and modify my behavior and stand on my head that will satisfy you.#and with that in mind. why should i give a fuck about trying? who tf are you to assert that i need to change myself for you#some random fucking person online.#get fucked#you do not know me.#i will never be the thing you want me to be#i will never be the perfect version of me that you want me to be#im going to become the better version of myself that i think i can be and should be#but im not going to turn into the better version of myself that YOUUUU think i should be.#especially since yall dont even give me an alternative. you tell me not to do things and im left to just sit perfectly still#god forbid i move a muscle. thats the better version of me to you. motionless and mute.#and if thats what you believe i hope you shove a jar up your ass and it pops inside you.#im going to be my loud ass bat self and theres nothing you can do about it unless you wanna try to actually fucking kill me.#step up or shut up.
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#personal#does anyone else feel like its a little bit#6 years without uploading they come back with some ads#cant make unsponsored vids its bout getting that bag#is this just me? i support making bank however one can in this world but it does feel like#like its just a lot yknow? like the frequency of any genuine video made for passion instead of money#they just seem few and far between. im sure theres a dragon contract or something but im so fucking sick of hearing about flamesusan tbh#hm whatever consider this my overstimulated need to have a pissed off rant about something today but it feels weird#the channel feels weird 😕 i still very much admire and respect the boys and i support them supporting their lifestyle#idk how to explain it just feels like theres a looot of ads and very little genuine enjoyment from creating lately like the last#idk 7 or 8 months ive noticed it but maybe its always been like this. or maybe its been like this since the revival idfk im so tired dudes#im so fucking sick to death of living in an internet world and not being able to go even 10 minutes without an ad#or a double ad or an ad right before a sponsor segment or just fucking. its just fucking EVRYWHERE I WANT TO BURN EARTH DOWN AND START AGAIN#nuke it the second anyone invents ads again and keep restarting until we eliminate themmmmmm FUCK#like i just want the comfort content of their voices and personalities but its continuously interrupted#and their personalities dont seem to hold the same level of compassion or passion these days#and surely these things must be related. like the internet will miss yall if you left but its okay to stop youtube. its okay to find#literally any other job if being payed to pretend to care about a pixel dragon and finding any uncreative excuse to make a video#just for the sole purpose of going around your advertisement (so you can claim youre making content and give them a reason to keep sponsorin#if that aint it for you chief then do literally anything else with your time. find employment elsewhere#i know a lot of the tubers and esp the ones that have been doing it for so long think they mighnt be able to get or do any other job#but i promise this just isnt true!#make from the heart again! now that youre not being straight you should have the most freedom to create from the heart!#but theyre not! it feels more repressed and in the closet than the actual time they were in the closet! (or though they were we been knew)#but it feels! so uncomfortable! so unnatural! the videos theyve been making lately feel like theyre aliens hiding in skinsuits#desperately trying to make video advertisements about products their top researchers have assured them that humans like!#but they cant make a whole video of just ad because humans dont like that so put some other crap in there. just enough#to make the stupid humans THINK theyre not just watching an ad. content? no doesnt matter just do some garbage for a few mins#humans are idiots theyll watch anything just try not to look so uncomfortable in your human suits so it seems natural#but it doesnt feel natural. it feels gross and fake and bad. and worse because they are. or rather were. comfort content for me
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im well on my way to becoming a legend at work. apparently today i dealt with the ultimate nightmare customer at our store, ive heard horror stories about her and there's almost no people in town who will sew for her bc she's so awful
i had her out of the store in under 10 minutes, which i guess is an unheard of feat with this lady
#talkin#work stuff#dont get me wrong she was awful and unbelievably annoying but i was not having it#we were 20 minutes to close and pretty busy & if i hadnt been firm with her she wouldnt have left#i didn't know it was her i was just very fed up with her attitude almost immediately & wanted to go home on time#nothings ever good enough and everything is too expensive for her#her total was $8.80 today and she tried to get me to return it bc that was way too much money#but its comapny policy with cut fabric that you cant return it or change your mind at the till unless its defective#and after working in the mall in town theres no amount of bitching or yelling that can make me give in#it fuels my desire to say no if anything
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great and now she's STILL scheduling shit on thursdays. the one day of the week she knows I'm busy. she really doesn't fucking want me around huh guess I'll just go kms
#at this rate im never going to spend time with them again lmfao.#whatever theyre her friends so fair enough. ive never rly been a part of their group just on the outside 👍#and she doesnt let me forget it! thanks really appreciate it. I give up man I dont know what u want from me anymore#.vent#i just dont understand what did i do am i being punished for something please#i cant do this i feel so trapped its been so bad for weeks and everyone keeps pushing me smaller and smaller and it hurts so much#i need someone i can cry to or just talk to and im just being left behind over and over and its bringing up so many intrusive memories#and im tired of having bad dreams.every nigtj theres no escape from it snd feelinf trapped is a trigger for me it makes me want to harm#so im having to deal with reining in that urge while also not having any other way to direct how i feel.outwards i feel like.im imploding#if i think any more im going to start screaming or throw up. i hate being stuck.in this body with this stupid fucking mind#and no one gives a single fuck its just a 'mental health moment' so its cool i guess!!!!!! normal and fine things to experience!!!!!#i cant i cant i cant i feel like a fucking three year old.having a temper tantrum this is so stupid why am i so broken i cant do this
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