#the only way to learn is to try though ...
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diversity win your spam emails are queer
#deltarune#spamton#swatch#art#doodles#pansexual#lgbt#bigshot spamton#stupid joke ive had sitting in my head for months whjbfghbjdfg. artist brain override gay brain (me too). good for him though!!#me refilling my printer ink tanks: omg my printer is pan... soooo coool....#and dont forget that he owned the mettaton dress of transgenderism either. arguably this has the trans flag colors too#wait theres a car joke here also. TransAm? more like TransPan. haha nice#+ his glasses fit the theme so Bonus Spam + i changed my 90s swat a little again#they're just gonna be different every time i draw them. for funsies. and thats fine. i havent even posted 90s queen yet SMFH !!!!!#there's something to be said about metaphors in their 90s fashion choices. something something more colorful design back then#something something not hiding their eyes yet something something Learned A Lesson....#you could read that a certain way. or perhaps not#obligatory 'my swatch uses they them' tag#obligatory 'fine to tag as ship if you want idc' tag#obligatory 'oh god i swear im trying so hard to draw and post more' tag#i saw a tag on a post from like 2019 that said 'man i only posted 9 times last month!' and im like. god. i wish i could post 9 times a#month Now???? honey you had a big storm comin#i just keep starting things i dont have the energy to finish. except for a silly gay color profile joke apparently#im sure the Smoke Smell goes reeeal good with the Dumpster Smell btw.
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my only complaint about 2005 dw is that we didn’t get more episodes with gung-ho mortal baby jack harkness. absolutely smitten by that fucker
#I mean. who isn’t. that’s kinda the point#exactly what he Wants#im saying this because he’s pretty but also because as much as I think the direction he goes in is intetesting and I love torchwood with#all my heart (as much as it Hurts Me) there’s something so novel about chaotic rebellious pre-resurrection jack#that you never truly get after that first season#like it’s always there in the foundation of his character to a degree but he does end up with a lot more self control and people look up to#him and he’s much more orderly and and all-around not really chaotic anymore (torchwood as a group is chaotic in certain ways for sure but#he himself? not often. mostly only in trying situations or when highly highly emotional)#and don’t get me wrong it all makes sense narratively. that he’d end up like that. he’s had literally centuries to gain wisdom and#self discipline and to learn how to be a proper leader and to become jaded and an existential black hole of a man#but. yknow. I just miss that sexy egomaniacal revolution-leader type jack#anyway. at least he gets to fuck around with guys on screen in torchwood though. definitely an upgrade#kibumblabs#dw#doctor who#jack harkness
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sam putting cas on bunker storage room #18 clean-out duty bc the nosy angel enjoys rummaging enjoys organizing and sam's confident he'll breeze through it overnight, but what in fact happens is that cas is a nosy angel who enjoys rummaging enjoys organizing & thus pauses 13 minutes in bc he finds a doohickey that he's convinced dean will be able to tinker with and revive (he does), organizes sure but does so into an eclectic system of apparent whim (he himself thinks it’s perfectly sound and logical),& then ultimately spends the majority of the night poring over decades-old receipts and smiling away to himself
#sam is giving cas this goal bc i think 1. that's sam but 2. s14e15 he learned what cas gets up to overnight (sat evening post) & thinks#actually. i have a storage room just for you#he was right but in a roundabout way that leads to a storage room organized to a code that other than cas only dean has cracked#he'll just saunter on in there and find whatever while#sam's still trying to logic his way into it. as though it might just be alphabetical after all#essentially they're coming at this like opposite ends of that particular autism spectrum#sam: this has to have a testable standard obvious logic#cas: ants#spn thoughts
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It's crazy that people still uphold show!Sansa as a well-written character and pretend that liking her is the pinnacle of feminism when it would be infinitely more impactful to acknowledge her terrible and misogynistic writing. This is the same character who, while written by two men, was thankful for the abuse she suffered because it allowed her to grow. The same character who we had to be told was smart because the writers were too lazy to develop or show her intelligence. The same character who had to rely heavily on the men surrounding her and ended up accomplishing nothing on her own merit ( and no, thinking that she deserved to be Queen doesn't mean that she earned it). She is not well-written, she is not complex, and she is not a feminist character. Which is fine! If you enjoy her then good on you, but please stop pretending that she's something she isn't just because you feel the need to justify liking her character
#anti got#anti d&d#anti show sansa#anti sansa stans#like literally one of the worst written characters on that show because they tried so hard to make her the most important#while being entirely incompetent and their only method of doing so was to steal from other characters which ruined the plot#the only arguable achievement was defeating LF but even then it's written in the script that she had to go to Bran to explain things#/she rallied the Vale army!/ no she didn't 😭 she wrote a letter to LF and he did everything. instead of showing her arc in the Vale and#her learning about politics to rally them herself they took the quickest route to give her a /badass/ savior scene#which only ended up making her look selfish + power-hungry for putting her brothers' lives at risk for not telling anybody about said lette#and idiotic in the aftermath after relying once again on LF even though he was very obviously manipulating her#/pawn to player/ sounds catchy on paper but without seeing that growth/development it doesn't work#Arya was terribly written but at least we /saw/ her training in a way we never did with Sansa#and people try to apply this same logic to the books and think she's gonna suddenly spring forth as a political mastermind#when that's not how George writes...we see characters develop and make mistakes on page and get actual earned growth#feminism isn't defending the writing of two men who gave her a rape plot not in the books because they thought it was /interesting/#when the only aspect of that plot they adapted was a woman suffering abuse :/#and as per usual with stansas their only /evidence/ of her being well-written is accusing you of being misogynistic if you don't like her
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TOMMY: It's about he told told me why he wanted to do it. Now if I tell you I can't take the knowledge back. Better off without it.
#peaky blinders#peakyblindersgifs#tv#tvedit#am somewhat wistful that this is the most ex/plicit the show would ever get with tommy's own trau/ma here#it's appropriately realistic for the character; there's no way he'd ever express it in a more forward manner#but yes him trying to kill hughes in the same episode as we learn of their father's death and that he *fails* is the thing#some part of him will always stay dead. He Knows.#though you can argue about the actual catharsis possible: polly didn't experience it either when she killed campbell#it's only her arc of self-acceptance that helped her make peace with it#irrespective if these men deserved to die (they did to be sure)#also crazy that you can see the markings of tatiana's strang/ulation here. nightmare show.#also [points] arthur mention
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RealAgeAU - Godly Lessons
And the one that was third place in the poll!
I had this one ready for a while now so we are uploading it today!!
Timeline wise this is 6 months after Nightmare turned into a baby (so about 3 months after the gang arrived in Farmtale) We good there?
First Drabble (Thanks to @spotaus for the original prompt) Prev Drabble Next Drabble
*---------------*
It took them ages.
And when Dream says ages he means AGES to find Reaper.
It doesn't help that Reaper hardly interacts with anyone. He is so work focused it is crazy.
But, as Blue had said, Reaper was the only one they could ask!
Well... Dream had asked Ink and Error before but Ink had just tilted his skull confused at the question while Error just looked unamused and asked him why the hell he would ask him.
Dream makes a mental note to eventually explain to those two that they may be ascending to godhood soon, if they aren't already there. Look. Dream knows he should tell them this and help them but at the moment Dream is having issues with his own powers.
And honestly wiht those two still having their fifth truce (Look, Ink keeps forgetting they had a truce and so they just keep resigning the same truce agreement.) he still has time before he needs to explain the basics of godhood to them.
Not to forget that Dream is rather unsure nowadays about his own god status. He thought gods didn't change?! They had domains and stuff!
Okay so maybe Dream didn't know a lot about god things and only knew the things that... he had been told ages ago. Either in small snippets by his mother but those had always sounded like an afterthought.
Honestly the things he knows about being a god is all things he had... heard from those... those... horrible villagers... and later people from across the multiverse.
Either way, it means Dream is looking for more information and Blue is helping. Honestly Dream is unsure what he did to deserve Blue as best friend and Dream makes a mental note to somehow thank him for it later. There has to be something Dream can do to make Blue happy and show how thankful he is.
But that is for later.
Now, they are looking for Reaper.
And... well... with him being Death...
Dream has to physically stop Blue from jumping to someones defence as the human in this universe goes about the genocide run. Dream starts to regret his decision to let Blue come along.
"Huh. You aren't suposed to be here."
Dream looks up and smiles "Reaper! It is so good to finally see you!"
Reaper just looks confused before giving a grin "Really now? Why is that?"He winks before his face grows harder as he glances around "Also you two really can not be here."
Blue huffs "We wouldn't be here if you were easier to find. Come on Dream let me go I need to help them!"
Dream shakes his skull "No Blue you can't!"
Reaper sighs as he rubs his face "Okay. You need to talk?" he checks his phone and nods "Let me finish my job here quickly and we will talk on the surface of this universe. Just teleport to the other side of the barrier and I will be there in a bit." and he shoots off after the human, already becoming invisible again.
Dream has to drag Blue through a portal.
They sit in the grass as Blue glares at the ground.
"I am sorry Blue-"
Blue shrugs as he looks away "We could have helped them..."
Dream sighs and nods "I know... but we aren't suposed to interfere in other universes or stories..."
Blue huffs as he mutters "You don't have that problem when your brother does something or Ink wants to interact with people when he isn't suposed to." he doesn't look at him.
Dream frowns as he rubs his arm. Yeah... that is fair... Dream is a hypocrit, he knows that already.
They sit in silence before a chuckle "Wow. What is going on here? Did someone die?" and Reaper grins cheeky.
Blue groans but Dream stands up "I need your help"
Reaper blinks before letting out a long sigh "Dream. We have been over this. I am not picking sides."
Dream shakes his skull "This isn't about that!" he rubs his arm before forcing it out "I am losing my powers."
Reaper immediantly stares at him "What?!" Reaper looks him up and down much more critically.
Dream nods as he looks to the side "It is going slowly. But it is happening... it has been happening slowly but surely over almost half a year now."
Reaper shoots upright "And you only decided to search for answers now!"
Dream feels embarresed "We have been looking for almost 4 months now! But I also have other stuff to do as guardian of positivity!" he crosses his arms.
Blue leans over "Also you are hard to find."
Reaper raises a brow "Just ask Ink. You guys are like roommates half the time."
Blue and Dream share a look.
Reaper looks pained "Oh no what is going on with them now?"
Dream thinks about how to say it before just throwing it out there "They don't know they are gods."
Reaper stops, stares and groans loudly as he covers his face "I thought! I thought they knew what they were doing?! They call themselves god of creation and god of destruction for crying out loud!"
Dream rubs his cheek and shrugs. Blue nods "Yeah. that is what tripped us up too. We asked them if they had heard of gods losing their powers. and Ink just looked confused while Error asked why we asked him. And told us to ask a god instead of them."
Reaper looks so tired before rubbing his forehead "Okay. okay. Good thing those two are on a break of their weird war again. Does explain why they would keep fighting instead of just working together to make sure both get their job done." Reaper frowns as he rubs his face "I will have to ask the others about this... this may become an issue. Someone has to teach them and explain it to them but Ink has the memory of a squirrel and Error doesn't listen unless he respects you..." Reaper looks thoughtful as he mutters "Maybe it is best to go to him... Error and Nightmare already work together and Error respects him..." he frowns and huffs "Will have to find him first..."
Dream flinches at the name of his twin as Blue steps over "Anyway... Dream said with them having their truce that can wait. We went looking for you in the hopes you got answers for Dream."
Reaper pauses and clearly thinks it over "I personally don't... but if anyone has answers..." he looks considering to the side "I can go ask a friend of mine first. See if she has answers. if she doesn't we will need to go to Asgore, king of the gods and god of the sky... he will probably know but..." reaper pulls a face "he doesn't like multiverse stuff generally..." Reaper looks over "You two okay with waiting here for a moment?"
Both dream and Blue nod and take a seat to wait again. Reaper disappears and silence returns.
In the end, Reaper's friend did not have answers and they were forced to go to the land of the gods, or universe of the gods. Which, caused a tiny issue with Blue being there. Blue had just looked at him and asked if Dream wanted him to come. To which Dream had said obviously and so now Blue was Dream's chosen warrior to hopefully let this go smoothly.
They manage to get into the universe and it is glorious beyond anything that Dream could imagine. it is bright and colourful and so many powerful beings make their ways around. They all look curiously at them as they go by.
Reaper whispers "Do make sure to just address me with Sans here. Either that of Death. They don't like the idea that I as god don't go by my name or title when I am making my way around." Blue nods as Dream gives his own agreement.
They manage to get to the hall of gods and find the Asgore of this universe. the kind of all gods and the very sky. Which, with Dream knowing the story and how the monsters longed for the sky and all it held, understands is a very big deal.
They arrive to the end of the hall and Reaper nods to Asgore "Asgore."
Asgore looks over and frowns "Death, I thought I told you what i thought about this interacting with mortals." he looks very displeased.
Reaper answers smoothly "I know, Dream however isn't a mortal. He is a god, just not from our universe. The mortal with him is his chosen warrior Blue."
Asgore huffs but the irritations melt away easily "I see..." he smiles at Dream "Dream you say? You must still be very new to godhood. I can only assume Death brought you to me for a specific reason."
Dream gives a slow nod and after an encouraging smile of Blue he starts talking "I supose I am still a bit new to this all. I may be over 500 years but many of those years were spend locked away. The problem is... I am losing my magic and powers. I do not understand why."
Asgore frowns as he nods "I see. Were you cursed by any chance?"
Dream thinks it over "I don't think so. I at least don't remember a single moment which stands out where i could have been cursed."
Asgore nods and waves at him to continue.
Dream does just that "I have been losing my powers slowly over the last few months. It started with being unable to passively make others happy. At this point I can hardly feel emotions as it is."
Asgore suddenly chuckles as he leans back "Well, of course you can't do that. You are no god of emotions."
Dead silence. Blue and Reaper share a shocked look as Dream sputters "but I am?! I am the god of positive emotions!"
Asgore tilts his head "No you are not. I can sense that you have no domain."
Dream sputters and glares "But I do have a domein!"
Asgore chuckles as he waves off his anger "Had. You HAD a domain."
Dream feels hismelf freeze "what...?"
Asgore nods "You are losing your powers because you lost your domain. You aren't losing your godhood however, that is something of that is yours by right of birth and a great power is needed to take that from you. But your powers are leaving you as those were connected to the domain you were connected to."
Dream stares down at the ground.
Asgore continues on, either unaware of the actual crisis Dream is experiencing or he just doesn't care "Now that the balance is able to establish itself again it has no need for either you or your counterpart."
Dream blinks and looks up "Balance?"
Asgore looks smug "Yes of course I know what your domain used to be. A god of Balance. together with your counterpart your duty is to establish and keep balance over your area. In this case, the focus was on emotions and the area was quite large with this so called multiverse."
Dream is seconds away from hyperventilating.
"Remember Dream. You are to keep balance." Nim sounds so proud.
Oh gods.
Nightmare looking at him annoyed "Dream what are you doing?! You are going to tip over the balance if you keep interrupting my work!"
Oh no.
"-It doesn't mean i don't like them. Just, even too much of a good thing is bad. you know?" Blue smiles at him.
Oh he is so dumb.
Reaper luckily sees that he needs some assistance and continues the question "Meaning that Dream needs a new domain? And that will give him powers again?"
Asgore nods "Indeed."
Blue looks between them confused "But what restored this balance then?"
Asgore looks annoyed at Blue for a moment but when Dream looks at him expecting he humors them "I do not know. I supose something unbalanced it. But that with time and the suport you and your counterpart gave it it managed to recover and heal."
So there may be a new tree of emotions somewhere in the multiverse-
WAIT!
Dream steps forwards, feeling much more panicked "You mean. That whatever unbalanced it must have been reversed?!"
Asgore raises a brow "I just said that yes."
Dream feels the panic return. Because the only thing he can image unbalancing it. Would have been the tree being cut down. The tree and the apples of his mother's tree had been the thing keeping balance.
Nightmare ate the apples...
Where is his twin?
Dream takes a few steps backwards "I... I need to go. Thank you. I need to go now." His brother. Where is his twin? Is he hurt? What if... what if these powers disappearing are also disappearing for him?
Those apples had healed him... kept him alive...
Dream knows that much, Dream had seen the images in the book. The only reason Nightmare survived was because of those apples.
Can... can Nightmare survive without those apples in his system?!
Dream doens't know what Asgore said but he rushes back to the enterance, blue already by his side again and looking worried.
They get to the edge and Dream teleports them out again.
As soon as they are back Dream feels himself shake and Blue hugs him "What is wrong? What did you realise?"
Moments later Reaper appears "Why did you do that?! Now i need to deal with a ticked off Asgore and-"
Dream breaks "Nightmare may be dying!" sobs break through as he collapses in Blue's hold.
silence.
Dream hadn't seen his brother in months. Not once ever since Dream started losing his powers. He had only seen the gang members once in a while. They always left quickly as soon as Dream even started talking about Nightmare.
Dream had been losing his powers and magic for half a year now and not once did he question if it may be affecting Nightmare.
He sobs as he falls to his knees, Blue keeps holding him.
Reaper floats closer but still out of reach "What do you mean? He is also a god. those are hard to kill." he grins a tiny bit but there is a nervous edge to it.
Dream sobs as he looks up. "The only reason he is alive is because he ate the very thing that helped keep the balance..." he sobs again "if the balance is restored... and all the magic we have connected to it disappears..."
Reaper seems to realise what Dream realised before cursing "Fuck."
Dream sobs as he hugs himself.
He doesn't even know where Nightmare is. He should have started looking for him months and months ago. As soon as he found that storybook, earlier even! When he realised his powers were acting weird. Make amends.
But Dream had been a coward. He had been afraid that Nightmare would never forgive him for his foolish and blind behaviour. Dream had figured he could try and ease their relationship a bit first. Maybe a truce like Ink and Error, and work from there on trying to repair their broken relationship.
But turns out... He may have been too late already.
Half a year too late.
*---------------------*
First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble
Why is it that each time i do a Dream chapter it is a gutpunch? I honestly really like dream. It is just, from his side this whole story is more of a horror story than a family comedy...
Oh well.
#utmv#realageau#nightmare sans#deaged nightmare#Nightmare is only mentioned though#Swap sans#Blue#Dreamtale sans#Dream#Reaper Sans#Meanwhile Dream is finally learning what his god powers were and what he was suposed to do#Look. Dream spend 500 Years in stone and then got into contact with ink and the multiverse#Nightmare spend those 500 years learning about his powers and god status#there is no way that dream would actually know what he was suposed to do or what his powers were because no one bothered to try and learn#what nightmare did#meaning that only now things are shifting and making sense for dream. Woops#and because dream remembered nightmare destroying the village for no reason (again he didn't learn until later) and nightmare only remember#dream leaving him and chosing the villagers over him again and again and again.#Yeah those two were not going to sit down to get their god stuff in order.#Nightmare figured Dream knew and was willfully ignoring the balance for some stupid reason and dream just didn't realise what his job was#also gutpunch for dream. sorry dream. i honestly love him but this story is just working like this *pats his little head*#And error and Ink aren't aware they are actually gods. they are just both dramatic and did the 'I see no god up here. but me!' meme#are they in for a twist :D
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There are two wolves inside me. One wants to embrace a new hobby in dance so I can be active and feel elegant and graceful and strong. This wolf wants to try something new and exciting, finally indulging in something I've always had an interest in.
The other experiences such frustrating emotions on a near daily basis that I want to go back to boxing, which is arguably easier to break into since I've already done it before. This wolf doesn't think of elegance, she just wants to fuck shit up until her body's so overworked and warm it fogs up car windows without having to do anything but sit inside.
Which one do I fucking feed??
#t. lee woes#like. do you know how hard it is trying to start something new that you've never done at all ever before??#and you've got no mode of transport until december - and ONLY if things go well#and now you're contemplating ways to mkre regularly earn a bit of money to afford the classes since paying weekly means my income#would wind up like $9 a fortnight since $40 would be spent by the end of each fortnight#it wouldn't necessarily be stagnant but it's not a desirable position to be in#I still have stuff saved up in a jar but I'm always hesitant to dip into that stuff#originally it was going toward a violin and lessons for that but I'm putting it off in favour of something a bit easier to dedicate time to#boxing is easy. in fact I could get support from my fam for that cause they like it#they don't see the point in dancing but I really want to at least try it and I'm worried about affording each term if I do end up liking it#also I already have boxing gear from before#but I'm hesitant about boxing at the moment for a lot of reasons I can't quite articulate but weirdly might have something to do with#internalised misogyny and biases... which is WILD cause my dad supports women learning martial arts#I can't do karate though I tried that and the class drove me a little insane#and it doesn't push you the same way boxing does and I really like to be pushed#if I don't leave sweating and hot and lungs and muscles aching then what's the point?? I can do mediocre exercise at home#and find more intense martial arts classes that also teach other kinds of self-defense#it's like... ehhhh#anyway but also I want to do something that's for fun that isn't so Serious Fight Mode#hence dancing#but I can only afford one not both and basically I'm grumpy today cause I was gonna trial a dance class - got ready and everything - but#my ride was suddenly unavailable. and I still can't stomach public transport. nor am I good at navigating it#it feels so different here compared to where I used to live - and I knew trains better not buses
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IMAGINE. working at ur stupid uhhh job or whatever. pulling into your drive way and ready to work on some crazy project in your garage. opening the door to the most unfamiliar silence. did your wife and kid leave for something? could you imagine knocking on your kids door, hardly getting an answer, and opening it to find the splattered remains of your wife across his room your child is scared! hes hardly consolable, in a state of shock and terror. you are too, but youre the adult here. you need to take charge. you need to protect him. you need to do something. you need to do something.
#cw gore#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi prime defenders#jrwi pd spoilers#ashe winters#LOOOORRRD HELP ME THIS IS A YEAR OLD AND I HAAAATE LOOKIN AT IIITTTT ALL I CAN SEE ARE MY MISTAAAKESSS RRAAGHHHGGG ITS FINE THOUGH#ITS FIIIINE ITS ALL FIIIIIIINE!! IM HARSHER ON MY ART THAN ANYONE ELSE ITS FIIIIIINE IIITTSFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEEEE#ANWYAY SO I THINK ALOT ABOUT THE FACT HE KILLED HIS MOM. FUUUUCKED UP. POOR GUY.. i wish i could learn more about what that day was like#the lil scenario wrote is my own silly little headcanon. but what really happened on that day? was mark there? or did he come home to it?#how violent was it really? was ashe awake the whole time? does he remember exactly how he killed her? does he remember?#who was mrs winters? what was she like? i like to think she was the one that gave ashe the book. taught him what she could before. yknow.#did ashe or mark try to destroy it afterwards? i could imagine mark throwing it into a fire. only for it to reappear with ashe#maybe ashe couldnt destroy it but i could imagine him hiding it. hiding away from it. and yet when we find him he holds it so close#its the only thing he can do! no super powers or anything. this was it. why would he ever throw away the only thing hes good at?#AND GOOD GOD MARK... TURNING TO MERCENARY WORK OVER IT ALL... SELLING HIS SOUL TO A LAbortory that changed him in immense ways#when did it get bad enough for him to start covering his face? what was ashe thinking? he knew his dad was up to something but what?#maRK HAS SUUUCH A CRAZY KILL COUNT TOO. I THINK THE HIGHEST IN THE SERIES IF WE'RE NOT LOOKIN AT THE GODS OR WATEV#MASS MURDER. MAN HAS COMMITTED MASS MURDER AND BROKE OUT OF SUPER VILLAIN PRISON WITH A PEN. MAN BUILDS IRON MAN SUITS IN HIS BASEMENT#OKay okay enough of my ramblin okayokay i just REALLY LOVE THIS SSHHOOOOWWW DUUUDEE EEUUGHTHTHHRHGHGH I LOVE THE WINTERS FAMILY...
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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2024 reads / storygraph
The Sword of Kaigen
standalone fantasy set in a rural mountain village at the edge of an empire that still holds traditional values, with families of powerful water/ice magic warriors
follows a powerful young heir who begins to question his beliefs about the empire when a new boy comes to his village from the city
and his mother, a housewife who has tried to forget her youth as a warrior and vigilante in the city since she moved back home to a loveless marriage
when there’s a violent attack on their village that they’re unprepared for, everything changes, and she has to embrace her old skills to protect her family and people
#The Sword of Kaigen#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#I’ve been meaning to read this for years and I finally got around to it! a really unique fantasy novel#I had always assumed this was ur average pre-industrial high fantasy and then was immediately hit with video games/tv in the first chapter#lmao. But overall (aside from the broader worldbuilding/politics) it is closer to the average ‘historical’ fantasy narrative -#so I can see why I got that impression#Some really compelling characters and interesting narrative structure that went in some unexpected directions.#It really focuses in on one village and how devastating a single battle in a war can be to their people - and how much work the recovery is#I feel like most sff is more concerned with a single person and/or the whole war so this felt unique. did also mean that the pacing was odd#- it's a slow start; then there’s a battle that must be hundreds of pages. The last section of the book feels a little too drawn out#and brings up random hanging plot elements that don’t really go anywhere. But I think overall this works for the story.#also one thing I didn’t love - cool complex interesting female character MC sure but also there’s weird moments like:#the first scene we see her is all the housewives comparing their attractiveness; she keeps referring to herself as an old woman (when she’s#and oh so meek and useless etc. And some of this feels like it’s part of the broader portrayal of the misogynist society#but some of it felt clunky or unintentional?#And then especially the end - when she and her shitty husband finally confront each other as equals and he apologises#she basically immediately forgives him and is like oh I was equally at fault because I am a meek woman who didn’t try either#like him realising he was wrong (and her realising he had a reason for being the way he was) doesn’t negate the fact that he treated her li#she acts like it was her fault for not trying too - when we have numerous examples of him berating her if she spoke up about anything?#like im glad he’s learning. but also that doesn’t mean she needs to suddenly forgive and love him wtf#that's the only real thing that annoyed me though.#also btw that 5yo seems kinda fucked up. are you guys gonna do anything about that
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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Smiling friends hc basically canon tho that pim is one of those people who had a lot of really bad shit happen to him but tries his hardest to keep everyone around him happy almost to his detriment. I mean in the first episode u saw his family lol
YESSSSS YESSS and thats why im so obsessed with him i can't think of another character that's like that off the top of my head and its so fucking relatable TWT like the message a lot of people got from the first episode is that pim is naive and i dont think thats the case at all, i think he just realized over time how to keep himself stable as long as he doesnt dwell on shit until he spirals and he started spiraling, i dont believe for a second hes never once thought the same shit desmond was talking about
#charlie talks#answered asks#especially the bit in the episode 7 trailer... where mr boss is like 'at ease' and pim immediately gasps for air#GODDDDD dragged me in a .02 second joke#thats where the zoloft post came from#from charlies pov though like i feel like pim has a more old school approach to mental health and doesnt broadcast hes medicated#so there would be one fucking day where he looses the bottle and is like CHARLIE WHERES MY SHIT I CANT GO TO WORK#and charlies like dude what the fuck are you talking about medication do i need to call an ambulance#smiling friends#im like if pim lived like charlie#which is probably bc im 22#yeah yknow what thats totally the dynamic#charlie is just reaching the light at the end of the tunnel that is the most depressed years of his life#and pim is just out of it so hes like trying his best to guide him in this fragile time#but charlie isnt a baby and pim isnt that much more experienced they both have a lot to learn about the world#so like over time charlie learns that no pim isnt optimistic because he doesnt know better its bc he has to be#hes learned its the only way worth living and pim is so adamant things will be okay bc he did all that shit#thats why episode 6 is my all time favorite#the implication that pim cant just let loose or he goes off the rails fast... OOOH bitch
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sometimes people who struggle like to make jokes or find positives about their condition that causes them to struggle so they can escape the constant negative and struggle. sometimes autistic people will say things like "the 'tism" or use the "autism creature" or say their autism helped them have a *positive trait* to feel better about their struggles. because living your life only focusing on the struggles and negatives is depressing and makes it hard to want to live, even if those struggle take up 100% of your life and you can't actually escape them. sometimes any little seemingly positive thing can help a lot.
but there's so many other autistic people that hate when we do that and call it "reducing autism to a cute trendy thing" and say it takes away from *their* struggles and is bad and shouldn't be used. maybe *you* want to only focus on your struggles, but some people can't live in constant negative and need some positive or to find ways to make their condition more positive so they can feel better about living with their struggles. life is hard. I take anything I can get.
I cant get jobs. I can't make and keep friends. I can't get help and support for doing "normal" things so sometimes I go weeks without being able to shower and without eating more than a bowl of cereal a day. most times can't even do things I like. struggle to communicate. have meltdowns. i'll never be able to live independently. I struggle a lot. but instead of sitting here always depressed and having no motivation to live, i'd rather try to joke about "my 'tism is acting up again" when i'm struggling (just an example. don't think I ever actually used the 'tism thing but i saw others use it) or say "i'm just being a creature" when I need to stay in my dark room because everything is too much and I personally find it cute to be a little creature meant in a positive way. i'm not actually downplaying mine or anyone else's struggles. I still acknowledge them and that silly jokes dont make them go away. i'm not trying to be trendy. i'm not doing any of the things people say we do by making silly little jokes. i'm using the silly little jokes to convince myself life can be a little more than pointless, painful garbage all the time.
(continue in tags)
#dont know why continuing in tags but here is more#sometimes we need to ask “why” and not just get mad about how we feel personally. because other people feel differently#yes im guilty of only thinking my feelings and situation and how it relates too and forgetting other peoples. i also need to learn#and everyone's feelings should be valid. just because something might “hurt” you it might be important for someone else#everyones feelings are valid. but we cant protect everyones feeling. so idk the solution#but stopping someone from having a small positive among a sea of nevgative seems a little mean to me#youre not being empathetic to their side. and i can turn it around and be not empathetic to your side and say stop being upset#and get over it and let people have fun. but i wont. i hear you. but at the same time maybe hear us too.#not everyone wants to live only negatively. youre allowed to but dont expect others to.#and yes i GET IT these things can make the allistics and neurotypicals be even worse towards us. but what do we do?#throw out any positivity we can find and grovel in our struggles because the allistics wont take us seriously?#DO THEY TAKE US SERIOUSLY WITHOUT THOSE SILLY TRENDY THINGS? NO! THEY NEVER HAVE#like i said i dont know the solution and everything still be used against us by those people anyway so might as well have fun?#if we focus on struggles they baby us and dont let us do things and block us from living life#if we focus on positive they dismiss our struggles and try to make us do what we cant and dont help us#we cant win! so its not “the 'tism” or whatever other things people made up that cause them to act this way#they already act that way and wont stop unless we figure out how to teach them! but i dont know how! im just a useless little creature#this is probably controversial and someone will get because i dont agree with their perspective despite respecting it#someome will comment to lecture me even though i get it. i do. but two things can exist at the same time!! idk what to tell you!#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#words are hard so dont know if i worded it well or not. probably not#also why take away fun things because another group used it for bad? make them stop the bad not stop the good!#i also might be missing more context. i think is about tiktok using these for bad. tiktok is just bad in general and i refuse to use it#why tiktok dictate and ruin our lives now in general? tiktok is really bad 😂 but that another conversation#no one yell at me and say i dismiss struggles of struggling autistics. maybe you dismiss me needing negative thing to have positive?#not in mood for negative response. will probably cry fhhddhsjdjdjkd#today is real struggle day but if i be little creature i feel better
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I know some of you people have been taught to think in a very black and white way, but someone saying "it's not for me" doesn't mean they hate the thing. sometimes a show/book/movie/game doesn't click with you and you move on without having any strong feelings about it. you don't have to hate or love something, feeling neutral about media is very much A Thing.
personally, I don't see the point in engaging with it in neither a positive or negative way. I just don't think about it, at all. that doesn't mean I hate it.
#t#checking out something and not feeling any particular way is totally fine#forcing yourself to try to enjoy it is just gonna make you hate it#you can just leave it alone and move onto something else#the sooner you learn it the better#this is how I feel w dr*gon age. I tried all the games and neither of them clicked with me 🤷♀️#I don't hate them though#I'm only scared of the fandom lol
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am i the only one who sensed some jilted lover vibes from jensen?
#burcon#cockles#thoughts#at the start of the panel and through a few particular interactions he seemed very standoffish#he was giving a little bitter and hurt and perhaps even resentful - maybe he only learned of misha's gf#at this con too! maybe it was news to him. on top of not seeing misha for months i can understand#if he was feeling a bit neglected and out of the loop. there's also the matter of misha's gf not being#in a poly thing with jensen and dee like vicki was ie. what she has with misha is seperate so i'm sure#that's another difficult thing to deal with knowing their time together is strictly separate#i've no doubt he wants misha to have a partner and be happy but there's an adjustment period#letting new people into your life and whoever misha's partner is now or in the future is going to#affect jensen on a personal level and moreover his relationship with misha. it's all very intriguing#and while i like what little i've seen and heard about this woman for misha i just think no matter who#she is it's going to take a toll on jensen's relationship w misha. i thought it was plain to see on jensen's face#during their panel: numerous moments where he was giving a poker face that wasn't covering a laugh#but instead like he was trying to smooth out his bitterness. or so my eyes and brain and heart tell me.#just various moments where things looked uncomfortable and jensen making off-colour jokes that didn't land#and which furthermore were barbed and snarky - not in their usual banter way but like he was lashing out#and using the excuse of chaotic panel convo to explain away his comedic pitfalls. but again maybe i'm#looking to much into it? idk. there are some lovely moments! fun and caring moments - but they#mainly came from misha's direction ngl. it seemed like misha was trying hard to keep the peace#while jensen was just running his mouth on comments and jokes that kept not landing - for me#everyone on my dash is loving their dynamic this panel - and i want to feel that love! it is possible that#learning misha has a gf has skewed my perception a little like i'm putting context onto moments#i otherwise wouldn't. but i also think i would've laughed and generally felt better watching their panel#if that was the case. idk. whatever the reason i do think something was OFF between them on stage#and it was coming from jensen from the start. misha picked up on it partway though but things felt#a little strained throughout. like jensen wasn't looking at misha as much as usual or reaching out for him#misha tried to salvage and not react to things. but both their answers to the last Q were passive aggressive af#and when they left the stage together they weren't close or touching or chatting like they usually are...
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continue being a little mean to toh fans please it is really irritating how some act like its got the best writing of any modern cartoon
Daawwwww I don't have it in me. TOH fans love it for a reason, and there are legitimately good moments! It's just not the most complex or well-written show out there—which it doesn't need to be—but I also totally get your exhaustion. It gets tiring seeing people praise it so highly over and over again when it's just like...fine. It didn't do nothing but it also didn't do something, you know? It's main couple is cute and queer, but that's pretty much all there is to them. It has a fun cast of characters, but they all tend to fall into archetypes. Luz is a sweet main character, but she doesn't have any real flaws and kinda takes a back seat to Hunter and Eda (the white people lol). Her foil with Philip was interesting...but then they kinda backed off and went the "you and Belos are nothing alike" direction.
((I'm also going to answer this anon with another: ))
And It's not that an unsympathetic villian is bad, or that Belos would even be sympathetic with added backstory, it's just that...there were a lot of interesting things to explore with his character that were left hanging.
Like, while he's definitely not at all a good person, it's intriguing that he would bother to recreate his brother over and over again knowing that each time the grimwalker was going to betray him. It's intriguing that he was even willing to kill his brother to begin with (though Caleb was super underutilized in general). Like, you can give a villain depth without justifying or victimizing them (hi Finnegran from tdp, I'll also add Spider Queen & LBD here). So it just feels like a missed opportunity all across the board. It's still surprising to me that we got a confirmation on the Wittebane backstory through an unrelated background character, rather than Philip himself (who had literally possessed a main character, and mindscapes had already been well-established....the pieces were all there me thinks).
And obviously it's like, people can love something despite it's flaws, and they can cherish it for the good it has, but they still don't need to praise it as an ultimate form of media, you know? We don't need to pretend toh was this dark and complex story—it was just a story a lot of people liked and resonated with. Which I'm glad it's there for those people, and I'm glad there are options when it comes to queer pieces of media!
That said the show with the best writing of any modern cartoon is The Dragon Prince (streaming on Netflix).
#Monkie Kid while very good is still not that good. I'm sorry lmk. I give you 2nd place. In my heart <3#Though we'll see. If s5 (or beyond) brings back some stuff from s1 the writing might just be that tight#(aka the skeleton key being given to MK in 1x08 & also the 1x01 seal)#Anyways I feel like I've been too much of a hater recently#but gahhh. toh just did not get that deep. it's like fake deep#Let me explain my thoughts:#Lilith cursed Eda. Spent years trying to force Eda into the coven system to undo her own mistake.#Only to then learn that Belos was never going to heal her sister. And does this impact Eda and Lilith's relationship in any way? Not really#Like yeah sure their relationship improves after Lilith leaves the Emperor's coven.#But I can't help but feel like that situation got boiled down to ''Lilith had a good reason for it so we forgive her :p'' and I'm like NO#WHERE'S THE DRAMA#THAT WAS KINDA SUPER FUCKED UP OF LILITH. A LIFE LONG CURSE THAT SHE GAVE HER SISTER. AND WE'RE GONNA LIKE#GLOSS OVER THAT????#tis not story telling for me. At least not any more at this stage in my life.#asks#toh critical
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