#the loss and grief is personal

[isitfantasea]

last week when la fire just started and the AQI reading was purpler than a plum, i said to partner that, if david lynch dared to stick his head out for his silly weather broadcast for just 1 sec, he’d be dead. given his lung conditions and everything.

it was only half joking because that’s literally how frequently i think about david lynch. i walked in los feliz and saw some interesting houses and pointed them out to a friend, friend was like, yeah that’s the house shot in mulholland drive. he coded my memory of LA before I even came to LA.

david lynch and tarkovsky made experiences of depression and psychosis meaningful. they made darkness, nothingness, and hopelessness tolerable and something i can reside in.

anyways saw the news amidst all the clinical psych internship interviews. it’s hitting me hard, like losing a friend. probably will say a lot more about this later.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[confessions-into-the-void]

I just want to not hate myself

[pr1soners-d1lemma]

My heart aches for the happiness I could've had.

[sadcoms]

until i recently read posts on here about how there is an inherent queerness to the doctor and rose's relationship in how it's unspoken and filled with yearning that i'd never really considered that element, despite knowing for ages that RTD is gay but. man. it's just reframed a lot of the series for me, like the idea that you have this lonely man who's just watched his people die and is self-destructive and misanthropic and traumatised and he can love again and he wants to but it has so many risks.

but especially S3 and how it adds even more weight to the doctor's grieving widower status. how he tells martha that he and rose were together but martha refers to rose as a friend to tallulah; the fact that he can only say they were together once she is gone; how the only other person that both can feel how he feels but also understands the depth of his feelings is jack, a queer man himself. and I've been thinking to myself lately oh, it's ok, the doctor and rose probably accidentally got married on at least one planet or something but also the point is that there was no official title that could convey to people the extent that they meant to each other, that the doctor can really only tell donna that rose was his friend even though it is so wholly inadequate and she comes to see that by the end of the episode (and martha too of course). how people who saw the doctor and rose together assumed they were a couple, like on krop tor, but once there's no more physical evidence of the relationship it becomes more vague (and simultaneously clearer).

anyway something about how christopher eccleston said he based his portrayal of nine on RTD and something about RTD saying that his husband is "in every good man i write now" and how the doctor and ruby seeing each other in the club mimics his first meeting with his husband aka the one moment he would use a time machine to go back to hmmm

[wield-the-mighty-pen]

Sometimes I think about how Adrien must grieve

How, when he lost his mother, it was a gradual thing, where he lost more and more of her, where he was slowly prepared for an eventuality and a future in which she would not be there anymore. How it was longstanding and tormenting and how his grief began long before the day he would never see her again. How though the pain of loss must have been sharp and aching for him, and he must desperately miss Emilie, at least he achieved some solace in not having to see her in pain anymore.

But then once he's reached a healthy stage and coping style in his grief for Emilie, the wounds are reopened once again.

How his father went from existing to suddenly being gone to Adrien. How he had no warning, no indication that he would never see him again. How even though the grief is sudden and unexpected, it had really started months before Gabriel was gone, and even long before he became injured.

It's how despite the fact that Gabriel was seemingly in good health, and Adrien had no reason to fear losing him, Adrien has actually been grieving for Gabriel and their relationship for a long time. How Adrien has had to watch his father slip away, lose himself, and slowly give less and less of himself over to Adrien, until Adrien could hardly recognize the man that was supposed to be sitting across the table from him.

Sometimes I just think about how grief became a comfort for Adrien, a lifestyle, because he has been taught that all good things in his life, all things he loves, must come to an end eventually.

And I think about how that must affect him as a person.

[cringefail-clown]

thinking about them again (turnabout au post-scratch jakehal)

[catbatart]

Phoebus passed peacefully in our arms at home yesterday evening. The hole in our hearts he's left behind is so painful, but the grief is the price we pay for loving, and oh how we loved him.

He has always been a photogenic camera hog and a little celebrity, so I'm gonna share some of his greatest hits.

[gorgynei]

i cant stop thinking about the raven queen appearing before the former god of death and at first trying to outsmart him, trying to get the secrets to divinity for herself. but instead slowly, they fall for eachother. and eventually he asks her for the impossible and she says YES. and it leaves a gaping hole in her for the rest of her eternal life.

[complicatedconstellation-blog]

[bonefall]

It's so funny that your idea is that DOVE should be the one mad because of course they make Ivy throw a hissy fit about their circumstances being different. Girl, your daughter chose to make a valiant sacrifice. Her kid's death was entirely preventable

To be clear; I'm unsure if they're going to give Ivypool another hissy fit. I only read that there is apparently going to be a scene where Dovewing and Ivypool (and also Icewing) bond over having dead kids.

And, I don't really like the idea of that, on its face. Even if this scene is written to be a very straightforward, positive moment of understanding between all of them, I feel like Dovewing's situation is so different from the two of them that I'd find it interesting if she was kind of offended by the comparison.

ESPECIALLY if it was Ivypool making an attempt to connect with Dovewing over this, y'know? Assuming she's totally being good intentioned here, legitimately trying to connect with her estranged sister over what she thinks is a similarity.

Bottom line is, Bristlefrost laid down her life to end tyranny. Beetlewhisker was an adult who chose to take the offer of demon training, and died standing up to Brokenstar. Rowankit was a baby, sick and in pain for days at his mother's belly while his father and older sister raced for a cure, as a parcel of lifesaving medicine sat untouched in the next territory over.

If anything, I'd prefer an Ivypool hissy fit, because I'd like to see her be framed as unreasonable, OR show how bereavement is causing her to lapse into old, bad behaviors. I strongly hope the narrative will examine the differences here (ESPECIALLY if this SE's theme is grief) instead of having the three of them "connect" in an uncomplicated way.

[honeycollectswhump]

more on grief. the symptoms.

the feeling overwhelming you at random times of the day, without warning. suddenly you are stuck crying and gasping for breath.

your stomach cramps every time you think about them. it makes you want to vomit. nothing really helps and it can kill your appetite.

you are constantly tired, no amount of sleep seems to be enough. you could sleep for a thousand years and maybe you wish you could.

no matter what you are doing and how happy you are, they are always on your mind. you ruminate and ruminate if there was anything you could have done differently. you think about all the things you should have done.

grief alienates and isolates you. it feels like people can’t understand, there is no right words to calm you down.

you will hate yourself for this but sometimes you feel so powerless you wish you would have never been put in this situation. even if that means never knowing that person. you don’t really mean it though you are just desperate.

you can grieve people that are still alive

your grief can project in other things and situations. your mood can drop quickly. you can overreact or be aggressive and abrasive. this alienates you further

people will tell you to distance yourself. you cannot.

feel free to torment your blorbos with this

[rozecrest]

the readers group guide at the end of the wicked years finishing with this question is so . can you lay the hell off her

[ping-ski]

pahinga ka na, JJ (CW: VENT POST)

i finally found the courage to write to you, i'm sorry it took so long.

(feel free to ignore the note under the cut)

We weren't perfect, I know that.

I was and still am your crybaby older sibling.  Your “Ate”.

You'd be 18 by now. Isn't that terrible?

Every so often, I dream that you came home that day and that nothing had changed.

I still wish I thanked you for every time you protected or stood up for me, even if it was in vain. We both know that woman never cared.

Honestly, I was angry at first. Angry, you left me behind to survive alone. Angry, that you got an “easy out” and I was stuck with her cruelty. My anger fizzled out pretty quick and for so long I was numb or believed it was my fault for not being able to do the impossible. I couldn't come to an answer that wasn't my fault for not being able to miraculously save you. I don't blame myself much anymore though. I'm meant to be here, even if I don't know the reason.

You'd probably tell me to let it go, but I wish we had played one last game together like you wanted instead of arguing the night before.

You wouldn't know, but that morning I really was working on my apology. I was finding the courage to tell you that I was wrong. And I was. I'm so sorry.

Running away wasn't anything like we imagined as kids. I didn't have a cool plan drawn in crayon. It wasn't even a good one. I had to leave everything behind and never look back.

I'm not sure if you'd recognize me now. I've grown to be more patient and more empathetic. I think holding your cold hands humbled me. Though, you'd be more proud to know I finally have a sense of humor or maybe I stole it from you? Who knows.

I'm trying to live for the both of us, even if it took me 7 years to decide that. I hope you know I still miss you and always will. I hope you miss me too.

[areacodefan]

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of the day my young daughter was killed by a driver under the influence of drugs. She was 8. She was exquisite.

The day she was killed began a living nightmare — and it was the second worst day of my life. The worst day of my life was actually three days later when the coroner released her body and we viewed it at the funeral home. I’ve never seen anything so horrific. The only reason I knew it was her was because I recognized her foot.

If you have children, the next time you grit your teeth at the hundredth retelling of a stupid show they watch or you just want to fall in bed rather than folding another pile of laundry or you can’t remember the last time you had any time for yourself… give thanks.

Please for the sake of me and my daughter. I’m not saying to shame yourself for these very natural moments of exhaustion or impatience. But just add a little pause and some context that these draining, straining bits are actually the stuff of miracles. Because I would give anything to fold her socks. Or buy her a new backpack for school. Or try to think up some benign chore for her to do while I make dinner so she can be a helper.

I miss her body. I miss her laugh. I miss her clever brain. I miss the soft sound of her sleeping. I miss her screaming for her daddy at the top of her lungs because she’s excited about a bug she found. I miss her smell. I miss the feeling of her hand in mine. I miss playing games with her. I miss reading to her. I miss watching her when she doesn’t know it. I miss buying her favorite juice pouches and putting them in the bottom drawer of the fridge so she could get them herself like a big girl.

And before you tell me she’s with me every day… I already know that. I live it. It’s my reality. Nothing will ever separate us, not even death.

But grief is about how much I miss experiencing LIFE WITH HER. She was taken from me so soon. She was robbed of her time, her life, her experience. Just because she has transcended the material plane and fulfilled her destiny does not make that any less painful for me, her mother.

My heart was blown into a million pieces 21 years ago. Something has grown into its place. Another heart, a different heart. I didn’t think that would ever happen but it has. I am grateful even while I grieve and feel so much pain.

My girl, my girl, my girl. I love you. Thank you for being in my life, for being my soul mate. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

[galedekarios]

my sweet little floof left me today after 18 years 🖤