confessions-into-the-void
Anonymous
15 posts
My thoughts, compiled
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Who decided that I needed to become a human and be born and grow up and get a job? They could have just made me a frog in a little mushroom forest, but instead I have to pay taxes.
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confessions-into-the-void · 10 days ago
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It didn't work
The brain zapping didn't work this time.
Why did it work the first time but not this time? Why take away my anxiety but leave me too depressed to do anything?
Departing is not an option, so I guess it's time for the next experimental "last resort" for me.
(I'm not in crisis. I am safe with no intent and no plan. I'm just really really fuckin sad)
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confessions-into-the-void · 17 days ago
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It's been a whole year without you
And it haunts me to know I have so many more to go
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confessions-into-the-void · 2 months ago
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My foot on the pedal
My foot on the pedal
I'm stopped at the light
I wipe tears from my eyes
As I'm losing hope
The person in front of me is wiping theirs too
And suddenly I don't feel so alone
I won't get into a lot of detail about my identity, but just know, I live in the country where millions of us are going to watch our rights be taken more and more. So many of us are feeling hopeless with the recent news. We're angry and we're scared. But most of all, I'm just so damn sad that over half the people in this country hate us and want us dead.
It's hard to keep going when you know this is the world you're trying to stay alive in.
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confessions-into-the-void · 2 months ago
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hey! I wanted to ask, may I use one of your poems for an anthology I'm making? I want to compile a bunch of good poems I find, and yours are... something on a different level. Really good. Just curious, thank you!!
Hi I'm so sorry I just found this! This is my first time in Tumblr haha so I'm like an old person trying to navigate.
I really appreciate you reaching out and thank you so much for the kind words. At this time, I'm really trying to keep my works on my page and just stay as anonymous as possible, sorry.
❤️❤️
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confessions-into-the-void · 2 months ago
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Deceased
The word stares back at me from the screen of my dimly lit phone
In my head, I know what it means
But once it's placed next to your name
Like a name tag
I can no longer understand
The way the letters look like scribbles
Pixels organizing themselves in a way to bring me information
But I don't want to know their language anymore
The letters take themselves off of the screen
And they make themselves comfortable inside my head
Over and over they run along
Racing through my mind
Like a cat in the night
Deceased
Copy and paste
Again and again the word repeats itself
Deceased deceased deceased
I know
but I don't know
Because what I don't know
Can't hurt me
And maybe
Just maybe
If I no longer recognize this word
Then maybe
It won't be true
Deep down I know its meaning
And deep down I know the truth
Your name will always be attached to that word
Forever
Your name - deceased
In my desperate attempt for information, something to feel some sort of closure, I found what I had been seeking.
There is still a part of me that cannot comprehend that it's true, that he's gone and never coming back.
I had to find something to get this hope out of my head and even though I went looking, what I found gutted me
I found out so much, but also so little.
One court case about his belongings, showing his status as deceased.
I hate that feel like I need to know more. I don't know the day he left, there was never a funeral that I'm aware of, maybe they had one without me?
Was his body donated like he had mentioned, is that why there was no funeral?
We're other friends deemed higher in importance that I was excluded due to them?
There is just so much I don't know and when I don't know, it makes it so much harder to shut up that awful nagging inside the back of my mind, telling me that maybe it isn't true.
Maybe I just need to be slapped in the face with his urn or something
Fuck
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confessions-into-the-void · 2 months ago
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Nostalgic
I miss the way school buses sound
When school was still exciting
Show and tell, read alongs
And playgrounds without fighting
I miss the way the bell would ring
When I was young and new
Back when I had many friends
Before many turned into few
I miss the days that went to waste
Just wishing I was older
I was so tough, so fearless then
Determined, and much bolder
I miss the way the desks would feel
When we would clean with shaving cream
Back when mom and dad would laugh
Now all they do is scream
I miss when I could stand up tall
So secure and confident
When all I knew was self love
And not what hatred meant
I miss the time when suicide
Didn't cross my mind
When all the grass it looked so green
All including mine
I miss the way we'd all sing songs
By boy bands and in choir
Before we learned of doing drugs
Just trying to get higher
I miss when fear was just in books
Or from amusement rides
Not this new fear that's come along
Of which one of us has died
I miss the days of innocence
When I was more than just my parts
Before harassment started
Before the broken hearts
I miss the feeling of resilience
Within my family
Now they either are all dead
Or just dead to me
I miss Christmases and holidays
When we would join together
A room of people who were full of love
Before dad had wanted better
I miss the days when growing up
Wasn't just a dream
All the ages that I told myself
I'll probably never see
I miss the days of mental health
Before I needed therapy
Before the world broke me down
And left me there to bleed
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My mind thought things today and this is what came out of it. I don't know if the cadence comes through by reading, so it might just sound better in my head
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confessions-into-the-void · 3 months ago
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You fucking lied to me.
You're fucking gone and never coming back.
I can handle any other lie you could have ever told me
But this one
This one hurts the most
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confessions-into-the-void · 3 months ago
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Society says
Society says be born and learn to walk
Society says do all your chores so you know how to work
Make big dreams of who you want to be when you grow up
Wait.
Society didn't say.
Society says go to school and get an education
Society says never become great at anything
Follow the dreams you made as a kid
Society says learn art and music
Society says practice every day
Make a career out of them
Society says go to college and get a degree
Society says also work a full time job
Have time to study and sleep
Society says pay your taxes and your rent
Society says find a career and a mate
Buy a house in your name
Society says get married and have kids
Society says raise them to work
Take time off when they're sick
Society says work hard and save
Society says pensions and 401ks
Society says die before retirement age
That time, society said.
This is just a lil something that flooded my brain. I don't know if it's final, I don't know if I like it. All I know is that I am not cut out for this. I guess I'll keep trying out of spite
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confessions-into-the-void · 7 months ago
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I wish I loved past me the way miss them now
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confessions-into-the-void · 7 months ago
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New Skin
Seven years is all it takes
For your skin to die and it to flake
As it dies, it also grows
Becoming flesh, they do not know
Even though my skin is new
My soul is damaged, it's black and blue
The years of heartache
I can't erase, I can't undo
How can I patch myself up
when everything I touch fucks up?
How can I repair myself
when my growth is not enough
I'm decaying faster than I can sew
Another day, another hole
My trauma burns inside of me
It's who I am, it's meant to be
Better me than someone else
At least that's what I tell myself
The little child, a troubled teen
A young adult, only nineteen
As he held me by my throat
The will to live was all I hoped
Yet here I am, drowning again
And I can't make myself swim
The monsters are inside of me
In everything I'll ever be
The person that I am today
Was abused and used, and made this way
I'll try again, I'll carry on
I'll sing another pathetic song
I'll tell the world that I am fine
While I rot away inside
And every day that comes my way
I'll close my eyes and I will pray
That my brain heals and my pain ends
And I can finally be whole again
Seven years, and seven more
I'll heal my flesh, I'll heal my core
My soul intact or in a morgue
I'll find my peace, forevermore
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confessions-into-the-void · 7 months ago
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C'est La Vie
I just want to say that I am fine
I want to say it and not lie
All my effort is put towards trying
To breathe
To be okay
It seems every day is just the same
Say I'll wake up early, not stay up late
But every day that passes by
Is another failure
in my oath
I take every promise to the grave
Except self ones that I have made
Because I care about everyone else
More than I
can love myself
I wish that I could find my strength
A sign of peace, a glitter, a gleam
An olive branch to keep me trying
To breathe
To be okay
Take all the pills
Zap my brain
Discard the memories
Forget the pain
I can't hurt anymore, if I'm no longer me
I much prefer the pharmacy
Artificial chemicals and caffeine
I'll carry on
C'est la vie
I've been a little all over the place lately and actually had a good day today. I still have a level of emptiness but I guess that's normal for the whole bpd/cptsd mental cocktail that is on tap in my brain. I'm trying to find love in things again, and I have some big and scary changes coming up that could either make huge improvements or burn me out and send me spiraling. I guess we will see. Of course I'm going to push for the first option, but not be surprised if the universe wants to backhand me.
I've got my notes app on this phone pretty full of writings in various stages, along with some older phones I can probably get some stuff off of. Expect more in the future. Maybe even tonight.
Maybe someday I'll publish a book. How the hell does anyone even do that?
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confessions-into-the-void · 8 months ago
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I think about these locks a lot. About the people who placed them. I make up wild stories about two people in love
As I dream to have what I've dreamed them to be
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confessions-into-the-void · 8 months ago
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Ideation
What shade of green is it
When your envy
Is of those no longer living?
Of the souls
Much braver than I?
What shade of green am I
To wish for life
But fall back into comfort
And the longing
Of death?
I am not active
In my desire to leap
Just wishing on on a falling star
For my end
To welcome me.
Nobody talks about the jealousy that comes after a friends self demise. I don't know how many times he talked me down, and how looking back, odds were in the favor of it being me that went through with it. Ultimately, I've always been too scared. Too hopeful. It only makes me imagine how deep his pain went to trust that the unknown of the end was a better option.
My mind remains a whirlwind of thoughts in relation to his departure. My longest best friend, is no longer sharing this earth with me. I'm jealous and I'm angry. Not angry at him, but angry at the world that pushed him there. I'm in disbelief that he's gone and that the world still spins without him. I'm unsurprised because I knew he had wounds that wouldn't heal. I'm also sad that he couldn't hold onto that child like hope that always kept me around.
I'm screaming at a god I don't believe in because a person that kind, selfless, funny, helpful and so much more should have never had to use their last resort. He was one of the best people I've ever met, and my world is so much darker.
If only I could have returned the favor
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confessions-into-the-void · 8 months ago
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This is where it starts
A place in the void of the internet
Where I don't have a name
I don't have a face
I'm just words on a page
Filled with grief
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