confessions-into-the-void

[confessions-into-the-void]

My foot on the pedal

My foot on the pedal

I'm stopped at the light

I wipe tears from my eyes

As I'm losing hope

The person in front of me is wiping theirs too

And suddenly I don't feel so alone

I won't get into a lot of detail about my identity, but just know, I live in the country where millions of us are going to watch our rights be taken more and more. So many of us are feeling hopeless with the recent news. We're angry and we're scared. But most of all, I'm just so damn sad that over half the people in this country hate us and want us dead.

It's hard to keep going when you know this is the world you're trying to stay alive in.

[confessions-into-the-void]

hey! I wanted to ask, may I use one of your poems for an anthology I'm making? I want to compile a bunch of good poems I find, and yours are... something on a different level. Really good. Just curious, thank you!!

Hi I'm so sorry I just found this! This is my first time in Tumblr haha so I'm like an old person trying to navigate.

I really appreciate you reaching out and thank you so much for the kind words. At this time, I'm really trying to keep my works on my page and just stay as anonymous as possible, sorry.

❤️❤️

[confessions-into-the-void]

Deceased

The word stares back at me from the screen of my dimly lit phone

In my head, I know what it means

But once it's placed next to your name

Like a name tag

I can no longer understand

The way the letters look like scribbles

Pixels organizing themselves in a way to bring me information

But I don't want to know their language anymore

The letters take themselves off of the screen

And they make themselves comfortable inside my head

Over and over they run along

Racing through my mind

Like a cat in the night

Deceased

Copy and paste

Again and again the word repeats itself

Deceased deceased deceased

I know

but I don't know

Because what I don't know

Can't hurt me

And maybe

Just maybe

If I no longer recognize this word

Then maybe

It won't be true

Deep down I know its meaning

And deep down I know the truth

Your name will always be attached to that word

Forever

Your name - deceased

In my desperate attempt for information, something to feel some sort of closure, I found what I had been seeking.

There is still a part of me that cannot comprehend that it's true, that he's gone and never coming back.

I had to find something to get this hope out of my head and even though I went looking, what I found gutted me

I found out so much, but also so little.

One court case about his belongings, showing his status as deceased.

I hate that feel like I need to know more. I don't know the day he left, there was never a funeral that I'm aware of, maybe they had one without me?

Was his body donated like he had mentioned, is that why there was no funeral?

We're other friends deemed higher in importance that I was excluded due to them?

There is just so much I don't know and when I don't know, it makes it so much harder to shut up that awful nagging inside the back of my mind, telling me that maybe it isn't true.

Maybe I just need to be slapped in the face with his urn or something

Fuck

[confessions-into-the-void]

Nostalgic

I miss the way school buses sound

When school was still exciting

Show and tell, read alongs

And playgrounds without fighting

I miss the way the bell would ring

When I was young and new

Back when I had many friends

Before many turned into few

I miss the days that went to waste

Just wishing I was older

I was so tough, so fearless then

Determined, and much bolder

I miss the way the desks would feel

When we would clean with shaving cream

Back when mom and dad would laugh

Now all they do is scream

I miss when I could stand up tall

So secure and confident

When all I knew was self love

And not what hatred meant

I miss the time when suicide

Didn't cross my mind

When all the grass it looked so green

All including mine

I miss the way we'd all sing songs

By boy bands and in choir

Before we learned of doing drugs

Just trying to get higher

I miss when fear was just in books

Or from amusement rides

Not this new fear that's come along

Of which one of us has died

I miss the days of innocence

When I was more than just my parts

Before harassment started

Before the broken hearts

I miss the feeling of resilience

Within my family

Now they either are all dead

Or just dead to me

I miss Christmases and holidays

When would join together

A room of people who were full of love

Before dad wanted better

I miss the days when growing up

Wasn't just a dream

All the ages that I told myself

I'll probably never see

I miss the days of mental health

Before I needed therapy

Before the world broke me down

And left me there to bleed

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My mind thought things today and this is what came out of it. I don't know if the cadence comes through by reading, so it might just sound better in my head

[confessions-into-the-void]

You fucking lied to me.

You're fucking gone and never coming back.

I can handle any other lie you could have ever told me

But this one

This one hurts the most

[confessions-into-the-void]

Society says

Society says be born and learn to walk

Society says do all your chores so you know how to work

Make big dreams of who you want to be when you grow up

Wait.

Society didn't say.

Society says go to school and get an education

Society says never become great at anything

Follow the dreams you made as a kid

Society says learn art and music

Society says practice every day

Make a career out of them

Society says go to college and get a degree

Society says also work a full time job

Have time to study and sleep

Society says pay your taxes and your rent

Society says find a career and a mate

Buy a house in your name

Society says get married and have kids

Society says raise them to work

Take time off when they're sick

Society says work hard and save

Society says pensions and 401ks

Society says die before retirement age

That time, society said.

This is just a lil something that flooded my brain. I don't know if it's final, I don't know if I like it. All I know is that I am not cut out for this. I guess I'll keep trying out of spite

[confessions-into-the-void]

I wish I loved past me the way miss them now

[confessions-into-the-void]

New Skin

Seven years is all it takes

For your skin to die and it to flake

As it dies, it also grows

Becoming flesh, they do not know

Even though my skin is new

My soul is damaged, it's black and blue

The years of heartache

I can't erase, I can't undo

How can I patch myself up

when everything I touch fucks up?

How can I repair myself

when my growth is not enough

I'm decaying faster than I can sew

Another day, another hole

My trauma burns inside of me

It's who I am, it's meant to be

Better me than someone else

At least that's what I tell myself

The little child, a troubled teen

A young adult, only nineteen

As he held me by my throat

The will to live was all I hoped

Yet here I am, drowning again

And I can't make myself swim

The monsters are inside of me

In everything I'll ever be

The person that I am today

Was abused and used, and made this way

I'll try again, I'll carry on

I'll sing another pathetic song

I'll tell the world that I am fine

While I rot away inside

And every day that comes my way

I'll close my eyes and I will pray

That my brain heals and my pain ends

And I can finally be whole again

Seven years, and seven more

I'll heal my flesh, I'll heal my core

My soul intact or in a morgue

I'll find my peace, forevermore

[confessions-into-the-void]

C'est La Vie

I just want to say that I am fine

I want to say it and not lie

All my effort is put towards trying

To breathe

To be okay

It seems every day is just the same

Say I'll wake up early, not stay up late

But every day that passes by

Is another failure

in my oath

I take every promise to the grave

Except self ones that I have made

Because I care about everyone else

More than I

can love myself

I wish that I could find my strength

A sign of peace, a glitter, a gleam

An olive branch to keep me trying

To breathe

To be okay

Take all the pills

Zap my brain

Discard the memories

Forget the pain

I can't hurt anymore, if I'm no longer me

I much prefer the pharmacy

Artificial chemicals and caffeine

I'll carry on

C'est la vie

I've been a little all over the place lately and actually had a good day today. I still have a level of emptiness but I guess that's normal for the whole bpd/cptsd mental cocktail that is on tap in my brain. I'm trying to find love in things again, and I have some big and scary changes coming up that could either make huge improvements or burn me out and send me spiraling. I guess we will see. Of course I'm going to push for the first option, but not be surprised if the universe wants to backhand me.

I've got my notes app on this phone pretty full of writings in various stages, along with some older phones I can probably get some stuff off of. Expect more in the future. Maybe even tonight.

Maybe someday I'll publish a book. How the hell does anyone even do that?

[confessions-into-the-void]

I think about these locks a lot. About the people who placed them. I make up wild stories about two people in love

As I dream to have what I've dreamed them to be

[confessions-into-the-void]

Ideation

What shade of green is it

When your envy

Is of those no longer living?

Of the souls

Much braver than I?

What shade of green am I

To wish for life

But fall back into comfort

And the longing

Of death?

I am not active

In my desire to leap

Just wishing on on a falling star

For my end

To welcome me.

Nobody talks about the jealousy that comes after a friends self demise. I don't know how many times he talked me down, and how looking back, odds were in the favor of it being me that went through with it. Ultimately, I've always been too scared. Too hopeful. It only makes me imagine how deep his pain went to trust that the unknown of the end was a better option.

My mind remains a whirlwind of thoughts in relation to his departure. My longest best friend, is no longer sharing this earth with me. I'm jealous and I'm angry. Not angry at him, but angry at the world that pushed him there. I'm in disbelief that he's gone and that the world still spins without him. I'm unsurprised because I knew he had wounds that wouldn't heal. I'm also sad that he couldn't hold onto that child like hope that always kept me around.

I'm screaming at a god I don't believe in because a person that kind, selfless, funny, helpful and so much more should have never had to use their last resort. He was one of the best people I've ever met, and my world is so much darker.

If only I could have returned the favor

[confessions-into-the-void]

This is where it starts

A place in the void of the internet

Where I don't have a name

I don't have a face

I'm just words on a page

Filled with grief