#it took me an hour to calm down

[honeycollectswhump]

more on grief. the symptoms.

the feeling overwhelming you at random times of the day, without warning. suddenly you are stuck crying and gasping for breath.

your stomach cramps every time you think about them. it makes you want to vomit. nothing really helps and it can kill your appetite.

you are constantly tired, no amount of sleep seems to be enough. you could sleep for a thousand years and maybe you wish you could.

no matter what you are doing and how happy you are, they are always on your mind. you ruminate and ruminate if there was anything you could have done differently. you think about all the things you should have done.

grief alienates and isolates you. it feels like people can’t understand, there is no right words to calm you down.

you will hate yourself for this but sometimes you feel so powerless you wish you would have never been put in this situation. even if that means never knowing that person. you don’t really mean it though you are just desperate.

you can grieve people that are still alive

your grief can project in other things and situations. your mood can drop quickly. you can overreact or be aggressive and abrasive. this alienates you further

people will tell you to distance yourself. you cannot.

feel free to torment your blorbos with this

[seagull-scribbles]

☔️ It’s time to loose your self loathing, excuse yourself, let hope in ♥️

[vanillaflowerstuff]

i am losing my mind!! help

[caterjunes]

i'm not gonna talk about it rn bc i've finally gotten myself calm & deescalated with grayson's help. but my eeoc charge of discrimination against my previous employer was dismissed. and i read through their response to my charge. and i don't think i've ever been so desperately angry/distressed/overwrought in my life. i was like. keening into a pillow, pulling on my hair. it was very scary, idk if i've ever felt out of control like that before.

[itty-bitty-sunshine]

Hi sunsun. I'm tired, but I've got dumb idea, so if this doesn't make sense and it is illegible, I'll try to decipher later, luv u.

Imagine if the virus corrupting moon, corrupted his memory bank. So even if Perkeo "stole" his memories, there was still something left from the virus distorting him. It could bleed into Sun's memory, flashes of their Beloved Perkeo maimed and caked in blood. He'd have no idea what was wrong with him for thinking such things. For the dark thoughts of Perkeo getting hurt. For thinking about hurting his friend. He'd have no clue if it was him or moon in the memory. Their shared hands coated in the thick blood. Unable to differentiate He'd assume it's him. As Moon dominates Perkeos' crumpled form. Holding their struggling body and killing them slowly. Sun would be terrified that these thoughts flooded his brain. His mind endlessly shoving it in his face. Unable to turn it off, it becomes more frequent. And all he feels is shame and guilt about the visualization of Perkeo in such a state. He doesn't want his friend to be hurt, so why does he have twisted fantasies about it? Eventually, these thoughts would spill to when he sees the real Perkeo. Standing in front of him, seeming completely fine. Soon flashs of the imagery would replace Perkeos form. Standing slumped, bruised and beaten. Blood soaken and mangled. This would become more frequent, with sun becoming avoidant. In order to not see his best friend dying. At some point Perkeo would seek him out, trying to understand his sudden reclusiveness. And he'd just snap.

"Sun, are you here?" Perkeo whispers.

He is closing in on himself, trying to hide. To find comfort in this suffocating small supply room.

"Sunny, are you alright?!" Perkeo immediately rushes to their side. Oh what a mistake.

Sun's head raises as he catches their wrist, stopping them from grabbing him. His blank eyes seemingly lifeless, when his lack of irises was usually like a blinding lights full of passion only his soul possessed. His dead eyes meet Perkeos.

He sees a sobbing mess before him. Perkeos skin torn, clothes ragged. Skin peeled down to the bone, the blood gushing out of the open sores lining their body. Sobs rack their collapsing chest, head violently lolling on their neck. Lacerations don't even begin to describe the claw marks raking their body. Blood gurggles through their open mouth, as well as one of their eye sockets. Oh dear where was their eye?

...

"Sun!" Perkeo cries.

Through his mind, he heard a gutteral scream. A cry worthy of a battlefield. Watching as Perkeo collapses, trying to reach for him. So so hurt, yet distressed by him. Oh no, if only they knew of his horrid daydreams.

He pulls them in closer, holding them still. Trying to comfort the hurt, the hurt that had passed. The hurt Perkeo didn't know he saw, the hurt Sun carried.

He doesn't rock them back and forth, not wanting to aggravate the "wounds". He shush them. Not wanting to hear them choke through the blood, a gurgling babble unable to form words.

In reality, Perkea is sitting in his lap, held close. Protectively. Thsh go along with it. Letting sun work out his inner turmoil. Not wanting to push him.

"Oh pear, perky I am so so sorry!" It sounds like he's starting to sob.

Perkeo sits silently.

"I didn't want this to happen! This shouldn't have happened!"

What does that mean?

Perkeo asks this in a whisper, this registers in sun's receptors as a pained whine.

"All I could see was you hurt Perkeo! I don't want this! What is wrong with me?! Why why. I dont like seeing you like this, what happened? ...did I do this?"

His hysteric voice barely saying the last line.

Oh no. Oh No.

How could Perkeo have forgotten about sun? Sun was as much a part of this as Moon, was he affected by the virus? He has been here the whole time. And it seems he is hallucinating the memories Moon's lost. Oh no. Perkeo how could you have done this?! You took Moon's recollection, and now sun is paying the price. All because of your selfishness. Sun is hurt.

Sun has been hurting this whole time.

MIHEJWHWJWHWIEHEOWHIWWHIWWJWKJW CRYING SCREAMING SCRATCHING RUNNING

SUKI

SUKI MSBEUEHEIWHIW PLEASE IM

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I WOULD GRAB YOU AND KISS EVERY SINGLE INCH OF YOUR FACE AND HUG YOU SO MUCH I'D TAKE YOU OFF THE GROUND AND SWIRL AROUJDB WITH YOU RIGHT NOW

NOT EVEN ALL THE RUNNING AROUND WOULD BE ENOUGH TO CALM DOWN THE EUPHORIC ENERGY BOOST THIS JUST GAVE ME

YOU'RE AMAZING AND THIS IS PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT THERES NOT ENOUGH WORDS IN EITHER THE TWO LANGUAGES I KNOW TO DESCRIBE HOW GOOD THAT IS

I love Sun's distress at everything and how much it affects him the idea of their friend hurt and how gruesome it is and how Perkeo is trying so so hard to take care of everything but it still ends up being too much to do on their own

It was never their fault but they blame themselves for not doing enough, for not flawlessly protecting both Sun and Moon from the morbid reminder of actions that not their own but still made by their hands. They wanted to care the weight of it on their own buy against their best efforts they are still forces to share it.

Suki I'm kissing your brain and all the ideas you come up with I swear at this point you are just writing this au's fanfic for me

[cheritouu]

ACROSS THE SPIDERVERSE IS MOVIE OF THE YEAR, THE DECADE, THE CENTURY MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDD

[bare1ythere]

If you think Mania would be a fun thing to experience because it's on the "positive" side of extreme emotions, oh god you are so wrong!

[tenrose]

I hate living in this world.

[brown-little-robin]

he's crying and they put the triumph theme over it. that's it. I'm done. I'm going to bed.

[ink--theory]

got asked to watch some scary movies with friends over discord tonight for halloween

i only agreed cause they're including the new fnaf movie, otherwise I wouldn't be caught dead in there fkdlsjf

[skitskatdacat63]

Sorry guys for being completely unhinged this weekend 🙏 but I can't help it and I refuse to be normal about it

[thethingything]

I keep randomly remembering that the reason our brain is especially fucked and a bunch of our symptoms are worse right now is because of like, an avoidable external thing that's chemically affected our nervous system instead of either our symptoms flaring up on their own or some specific stressful event triggering it, and for some reason that keeps making us feel especially bad about it.

like our mental health being bad because of stressful stuff going on and our mental illnesses randomly flaring up both suck, but I can handle our brain just doing its own thing and/or reacting to what's going on around us.

but something about it being a medication that someone else prescribed that's changed the way our brain functions is significantly more distressing in a way I can't put into words properly. a lot of the symptoms we've got (apathy, brain fog, alexithymia, memory problems, etc) are very typical depression and dissociation symptoms, but they're like a weird version of them that feels very different to how we normally experience them.

the only way I can describe the difference in feeling is that it feels more "artificial" but I can't even really describe what I mean by that. if normal brain fog is looking out the window on a foggy day, this is looking out of a window that's been covered with those frosted vinyl sheets. you can't see shit either way, but the feeling is very different.

I just desperately want it to go away. I'm finding it hard to be enthusiastic about things I'm normally excited about no matter how bad our depression gets, and our usual coping mechanisms for getting our brain to register positive things aren't really working because it's not the same underlying mechanism.

it feels like any control I did have over our symptoms and anything I could do to help with them has been stripped away and all I can do is wait it out and hope it fixes itself, and the whole "being given a drug that changes how your brain functions and takes away your control over what your brain is doing" is pretty much the exact phobia I was trying to learn to figure out how to deal with before we get dental work done, and for the dental work it'd be like... idk probably an hour at most, whereas now I'm just stuck dealing with experiencing it 24/7 for an undetermined amount of time

[andyridgeley]

[disorganised-bagel]

me after sending a single discord message

[anitalianfrie]

.

[calamitys-child]

Anxiety just walloped me like a sledgehammer out of nowhere and I don't know WHY I'm going through everything I can think of that would set me off and there's NOTHING it's FINE everything is FINE my brain is FINE but my body just started having an anxiety attack out of nowhere for no reason and I have NO IDEA WHY