#thats gotta count for something i think
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wuh. hwuh? wha?
#in stars and time#isat siffrin#minhmy art#for the record this is me projecting. i seriously thought i was doing alright lol#like hey i drew this to express my feelings i Drew it instead of just scribbling or doing nothing at all#thats gotta count for something i think
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vroom vroom!👻
#keoart#oc#originalart#original character#halloween#Dont put a ghost in a car#espcially not these ghosts#what you think *tetanus* is gonna stop them?? crashing???#ik its not *quite* halloween flavored but I think a flying rusted car with no signs of slowing down is scary enough to count#I was considering doing a genuine halloween piece but naaaaaah. thats not how I roll. its gotta be something stupid LOL#feat. some uncommon ocs of mine#free bird starts playing#dang it came out so crunchy. THANKS TUMBLR.#The Lady in the Waterfall#Kiwik#Ommu
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play wrestling and got this twinky catboy in my lap today. i fucking love being ridden
#if i was actually strong id have overpowered him and got him on his back with his legs up but we dont always get what we want#i can lift w my hips tho thats gotta count for something i think#mine
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honestly Sekiro. the guy. the girl. the man. the creature. only silent protagonist who also speaks. local insane man kills his own father three times in one day after watching him die. what are they doing to him in there
#sekiro: shadows die twice#queue may think it all a mere bad dream#yes ive been playing sekiro again no i have not gotten much better#but i did first try SSI thats gotta count for something#and owl father too :D
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*does an epik backflip and runs away*
4̧̢͉̫̟͍̣̉̅2̡̲̮̜͙͙̙͉̳̠̅̀͜͠͝…̘̠̪̙̠̣͓́
This “42” seemed to be some sound as nothing helped one understand what it said. The doppelganger doesn’t seem to know what else to say. Either it somehow wasn't impressed or it’s too busy thinking about something else.
#that's not my neighbor#thats not my neighbor#thatsnotmyneighbor#42#fortytwo#tnmn#tnmn rp#that’s the third drawn catboy 42 ask answered so far#fifth if you count text-only ones too#maybe two more drawn asks and 42 goes back to normal#i just thought something like: “what if 42 is omniscient somehow”#that's why it wasn't impressed#and that’s why it…uuuhh…it’s another spoiler#hmm gotta think about it#catboy 42
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So funny that i find myself w less and less new music to discover compared to what i was finding in my teen years, and i am like 98% sure its bc i havent watched frag videos or amvs in over a decade 😭
#chattin#like nearly 60% of my songs are from my ipod.#my IPOD#hundreds of songs i found from watching High Art from before 2012#i have songs from last fm that literally do not exist ANYWHERE anymore. like i gotta make an effort to upload some of these for ppl#whereas most of my newly discovered songs are from artists i found prior to 2012 (and theyre still making music)#artists adjacent to THOSE artists#video game music#and artists related to that music#so im not like. exposed to completely mew and untethered music yanno?#mew……i meant NEW 😭#that one insane uno video had a really REALLY good song and i have no idea if it was made for the video or if it exists on ytube or bandcamp#and i absolutely count that as an amv lmao#i think its bc i dont play games that would make for good frags anymore like ovw and halo#and i dont watch anime anymore so i havent tried to watch amvs#like. there was a really good mp100 one but i wasnt invested enough to look for more 😭#maybe i should ask my sister for some jjk amvs….theres lots of fighting in that one right? i think that would help#u have no idea what people deem a good song for amvs and thats what makes them so fun; i love knowing what people listen to#oh i just realized; i think i am showing my age; do ppl even call it frags anymore???#is it an amv or a fancam?? or something else…i also dont use tiktok so im unsure of the terms there too…
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you'll never guess what people are doing in the silent section of the library
#Guy Do You Not Read The Signs In Here Or Something#ive already had to move once and im about to again. cannot stress enough that there's 3 floors where talking is allowed#they rventually left only to be replaced by a custodial worker talking on the phone#and normally i am all for workers doing whatever to make things less boring for them but guys pls#have mercy on me. not on the silent floor. thats the whole point is ppl are working y'know#idk is that selfish of me? again i wouldn't care in basically any other setting/context#and im more ok with it than ppl just. chatting it up instead of moving to Literally Anywhere Else Where That Is Cool#but it still like. affects my productivity and shit#hour 4 of being here and instance 4 of ppl talking for prolonged periods in the explicitly labeled everywhere silent zone :/#i don't think im asking for much here#gotta clarify that im not counting brief exchanges or people whispering on their way out#they're a little annoying but i get it yk#i mean like 5+ minutes straight of speaking-level convo. no reason to be talking that long up here#minus the custodial staff but thats kinda different
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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if i disappear again its cuz im in the downswing of my cycle-- i simply turn into a small pebble and stop allowing myself to exist anywhere others can perceive me.
im not gone i just have schizoid personality disorder
and it's hard staying motivated, my art turns to sludge and i just sit here doing fundamentals again and again, ironically making it worse because people don't rly like realism and very few people like what i make to begin with so it's like a bad feedback loop.
im gonna try and push through it but a heads up is nicer than vanishing into the ether like i used to
#usually internet people dont count towards my ScPD cuz i cant see them but something clicks sometimes and i get avoidant sorry#i need therapy but you gotta drive a half hour to get to a grocery store here so thats not happening#no one talks about the avolition and detachment from goals/lack of interest that comes with schizoid but it hits hard when it gets you#on an unrelated note i think theres a spider in my ear
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staring at the Newegg order page like
#pidge speaks#pls ship#pls ship now#i am begging you to ship#legit going insane rn i have not been this impatient for something in a long time PLS#i know im being insane#ordered the pc on the 31st but it counts it as the first bc i did it later in the evening/night???#1-2 business days to process except it counted as a preorder so i dont think it started actually processing until yesterday#so 1-2 days starting now??? ig???#and then it will take 3-5 to ship#but i am going absolutely bonkers rn#still gotta buy the monitor and keyboard#know what kind of keyboard i want at least#wonder if i can go ahead and choose the monitor/keyboard and like have the shipped to my local bb and put them on hold or smthn#then i can just swing in and pick them up when the pc gets here#god i still need to buy the fn game#so thats another 60 bucks on top of everything else#hhhhhhhhhhhh#screaming crying throwing up
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another thjng i could never watch somebody play is kirbys epic yarn not bc they wouldnt get it its a very simple gamebut bc theyd put it on and id immediately be like I need to fucking play epic yarn right now or im going to die
#thinkjng abt epic yarn currently is kind of like taking a cyanide pill bc i cant PLAY epix yarn. in this scenario a cyanide pill doesnt#kill you it just makes you think God i need to buy a nintendo wii. Lord almighty i need to buy a nintendo wii. many such cases#i just loveee epic yarn its true i know that game like the back of my hand i think i could do many of the levels blindfolded. me and my m#sibling legit played it sm.... i have 100 %d that game more times than i can count#ik thats not a great brag bc its a kirby game for babies BUT I LOVE ITTT OK. YES ITS LIKE A BABY GAME FOR BABIES YES ITS MY ALL TIME#FAVORITE!! like i love a ton of grown up games but sry not sry Literally nothing will ever beat epic yarn 4 me shes like a warm hug.#sooo many of the levels r the ones me and my sibling would play over and over... Squashini ohhh my god we did squashini legit everytime we#booted up the game. wed do squashini b4 we started a new playthrough Lmao. we were squashheads#hold on. i gotta checj something kinda urgent
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one thing about me is that i forget to breathe sometimes
#like i didnt really notice before that my breathing slows down sometimes so much it almost like. isnt there#like the first time i noticed i was in the hospital for something else and literally i was just chilling and the oxygen monitor or whatever#started blaring cuz my breaths per minute went down to like. 8 or 9 or 10. and my mom was like wtf dude#like i fr gotta remind myself cuz im sitting here and then my chest suspiciously does not rise that much or that often#and im like wait a minute. im not breathing as much as i should arent i. hm.#i think the next time i noticed was when we were kitty sitting for my cousin and i was sleeping and whatever#and ofc ur breathing slows in sleep but bc im the way i am. it really really slows.#and every so often the kitty would paw at my face and i was like aww thats so cute#until i realized it was prob to make sure i was still using my lungs 💀 oopsie 🤭#tis curious cuz im not like an athlete or anything and it is to my understanding their heartbeats and breath counts tend to be low#but whateverrr#aricouldyounot
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omg…… i drew this year.!!>?!>?!>>?@?>>!?>
years of arts past / template
#art summary#art summary 2022#somehow ended up w a horizontal template this year i have no idea how that happened#a lot of lloyds! i think i’ve shied from using jays bc i know i’ll do a jay exclusive edition#and lloyd is the ninja i draw the most after jay i think#i didnt think i did too much drastic improvement this year#at least compared to some other years#but i think i can look at stuff from the beginning of the year and confidently say i’ve gotten better#thats gotta count for something! a good something im sure
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...
#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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I love scrolling thru my 7 years worth of drawings because you can just see the environmental storytelling . there are points where im like *touches ground* something happened here
#random stuff#my mom used to be a semi popular artist there i think. she got her art on the app store page once so thats gotta count for something
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every time i get suicidal im just like "ok you've tried adderall and testosterone. you just need to move out of your parents' house" to myself
#the adderall and hrt definitely do help a lot#the first step is getting a license/car#the medical reevaluation form is in the mail rn and then i gotta make a drs appointment and then make another apptment at the dmv#bbbbbut i might uhm. have a penalty with the clinic.#i think ive missed 3 appointments because every time ive tried to cancel a week in advance and their phone service is ltierally useless#technically i shouldve gotten something in the mail so maybe it didnt count since their behavorial health system is weird#but ive been putting off making an appointment because i dont want to find out i have to wait 6 months to make any#thats insane to me. you miss 3 appointments within a year and you cant make an appointment for 6 months#AND they have a horrible phone system out in the middle of nowhere. like they're the closest clinic for ~50 miles
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