#i legitimately just had to think about what my url was oh i gotta go to bed. i gotta snooze i gotta catch some Zs

[skyburger]

u know when i started getting into metal gear and i finished mgs1 when i started mgs2 i was like "wtf they got better graphics they didnt need this 'realistic' shit. They shouldve kept the psx graphics." and tbh i was right! that was the most polygons they needed to have

[ambiguouswren]

First post. (of this type)

Dear Tumblr, 

Hi.  I’m [name redacted]. I’m 30 years old and my life is a bit of a mess.  I have been diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety and I’ve spent the last year trying to fix it and all I feel like is that it’s gotten worse. 

Earlier this year I fell in love with one of my best friends.  First time I had ever felt anything that real.  So of course it got all fucked it up. And the universe played a hand against it all because my personal happiness does not mean anything apparently.  I think the biggest thing was mental illness and past relationship issues got in the way and I won’t say who had what or if it was both, gotta keep some mystery here right? I hate the universe so much for how everything went. I’m ashamed of my behavior. And mad at myself, to a degree, for believing that it was ever going to actually be a real thing after everything that happened even before anything happened.  For once I had hope in something, something that even other people saw and supported, and look where it got me?  I hurt a lot because of it. It’s like, okay take this as an example I think anyone can relate to...you travel to this donut shop that’s like super famous right? It takes you a REALLY long time to get there. And there’s this ONE type of donut you’ve been told about your whole life and you imagined what this donut would be like.  You’ve had copies of this donut and had one kind of donut that you had for a long time trying to convince yourself that it was that same kind of donut but then you realized you’re just lying to yourself.  So you’re minding your own business and suddenly you’re there...it's within in arms reach....then this asshole....whats an asshole name....we’ll go with Matt...this asshole matt that’s made your life a living hell shows up out of fucking nowhere, grabs the donut and shoves it in his mouth right in front of you. And it’s the last one.  And they’re never going to make it again.  Kinda feels like that. So then from that point on you just stop eating donuts altogether.  Cuz that’s easier right? 

Okay so that’s a really stupid analogy but I’m trying to keep this at least somewhat light hearted so I don’t fall into a blubbering mess cuz OH MY GOD I’m so tired of crying. 

That’s one of the things about depression. Sometimes, you feel nothing and god let me tell you I live for those days. If I’m living with depression I want the numb days.  I least then I can kind of still function like a regular human being, or at least fall asleep without too much trouble.  But I’m unlucky I guess. I get the feeling days...a lot...and it’s usually a lot of emotions all in the lower spectrum: worthlessness, self-loathing, guilt, sadness, anger, fear, loneliness...did I mention self-loathing? It blows man.  I cry almost every single day, sometimes a few times a day. It’s hard to keep up with hydration when you do that too.  At least my eyes are well lubricated....kinda of?  

Another difficult thing is, it kind of gets to a point where the people close to you don’t know how the fuck to deal with you anymore. (Remember that guilt and self-loathing I talked about earlier?). And you can’t blame them. You wouldn’t want to deal with you either.  It’s exhausting.  Like I legitimately can’t feel happy.  Might be the meds. Might be the depression. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?! I sure don’t at this point. 

The meds do help though, somewhat. I don’t really deal with anxiety anymore so that’s great.  I do NOT miss that.  The tightness in my chest. Feeling like I can’t breathe.  I’m on my 3rd type of meds to find something that actually works.

I am working actively on getting better. Which I think is one of the reasons I want to do this.  I’m hitting this hard (because that’s what you gotta do when something hits you...hit it back...but harder. That’s how you win right?).  I’m going to be starting group therapy in September and I had my first session with a long term therapist...yesterday? The days kind of blur together for me.  So I am trying.  Its terrifying though.  Like I have no idea what to expect now that I’m going to a professional that’s NOT in the school system.  I just hope whatever she does actually helps.  And while I know this is going to be a LONG road, I just hope improvements happen soon.   I can’t stand this.  I’m pretty sure if I was a different type of person I wouldn’t be here anymore.  Yeah, it’s gotten that bad at times. Thank god I have a logical brain and a stupidly strong instinct to survive.  Plus my dad would probably be pretty ashamed of me and I couldn’t put my mom through another tragedy in her life. She’s been through enough. 

Suicide is a horrible option and if you’re ever considering it PLEASE get help (here’s a few great sources click  >Text Line< > 1-800-273-8255< suicide prevention hotline. And keep in mind even if you’re having a REALLY low day they’re here to help. I’ve used them a few times even though I’m not suicidal. They’re actually the ones who helped me find affordable therapy)

ANYWAYS. Thanks for listening tumblr.  I really hope no one like...freaks out on me.  Cuz honestly, yes, I’m posting this on a public forum but like...if you know my URL you probably know me IRL.  Not many people would think up this name for a tumblr. Lets be real.  Right now I’d say I’m not okay. But those times happen and I do think that I’m kind of in that “its gotta get worse before it gets better” type of things because I’m having to sift through almost 20 years of trauma. 

ANYWAYS. I need to focus on getting mentally prepared to sleep.  Thanks for tuning in. Till next time kiddos.