#still don't know which personality disorder they were considering

[dokyeomini]

honestly not sure how therapy went today (therapy+psych appointment) i talked abt the diagnosis thing and asked for clarification and it seemed like she didn't wanna specify or maybe she will after she reads the records again

[goldyke]

LAP Bands should be illegal

This post is going to deal with medical fatphobia, weight loss surgery, coercion, emetophobia, food issues, disordered eating, and just all around bad shit. But it’s important.

Shortly after I reached adulthood, I was coerced into weight loss surgery. I weighed about 250 pounds and was considered morbidly obese.

The Lap Band is a disgrace to the medical profession and is just another example of how the medical profession does not care about the lives of fat people.

To preface this: the surgery works. I lost 70 pounds and people treated me differently and I hated them all for it.

The Lap Band made my life miserable. When it was filled, I could not eat until noon without getting stuck. Even then, getting stuck was always a risk. There was a strict diet to follow and you were supposed to be safe from that if you followed it. On top of that, there were rules for how you ate. One standard I saw was not to eat in bites larger than your fingernail. Can you see yourself doing that for a week, let alone years and years?

Getting stuck is a horror you can't imagine. The food lodges in the top of your stomach, blocking off your system. You continue to produce saliva and swallow it down. Slowly, the mucous in your saliva builds up. It feels like you're drowning. Eventually, you have to essentially throw it all up. A disgusting experience (and a mortifying one if you're in public.) The saliva is thick and ropy. This experience is often called "sliming" on the forums.

I became frightened of eating in public. In a way, I became frightened of food altogether. I knew something had to give the day I reacted to someone biting a hamburger in a tv show the way a regular person would react to a killer jumping out in a horror movie. I developed the disgusting and unhealthy habit of chewing and spitting out food. I completely lost my enjoyment of many foods I had previously enjoyed because of how problematic they were (I can no longer enjoy a chicken thigh for example.) I stopped eating meals and began grazing. I developed eating habits worse than the ones that "made me fat"

After 3 years, I had the band emptied of fluid, which significantly decreased, but did not stop, these problems. I regained the weight, and found it didn't bother me. (Along the way I discovered that my discomfort with my body had never been weight related)

I had my band removed after 6.5 years earlier this year. I am in a support group on facebook for victims of this malpractice. There are 5.6 thousand members, each with their own horror stories. Some of them cannot get the band removed because insurance will not cover the procedure, though they happily covered the band's placement. Some have tried to go through with removal but have had surgeons try to coerce them into getting a different weight-loss surgery instead of just removing it. Many have long-term damage from the band eroding the walls of their stomach or esophagus, or from the band adhering to multiple organs. Many of them had the band for 12-14 years, before removal because none of our doctors told us it needs to be removed within 10.

Many practices no longer perform Lap Band surgery and now believe it is unethical. The surgeon who removed my band still performs this surgery regularly.

A study performed in 2011 with 151 lap band patients, found that 22% of patients experienced minor complications and 39% experienced major complications. The person who coerced me into surgery actually experienced major complications and needed an emergency removal.

I experienced no serious complications. Everything I described above is considered normal. And It still drastically lowered my quality of life.

I don't know why I'm sharing this or who I'm sharing it for, but here I am. If you know anyone considering the lap band surgery, don't let them go through with it without knowing the truth. And please be kinder to your body than the medical profession wants you to be.

[bixbythemartian]

walrus vs. fairy

the funny part is that people who answer walrus are mostly like 'I disagree, but I understand why you would answer fairy' and the people who answered fairy are tearing their hair out. some of them are getting mad and/or mean about it, which is kind of upsetting.

so, I will try to help explain.

this will not be about walrus logistics, I promise.

some people believe in fairies. full stop.

fully believe they are real. probably a lot more people than you would be happy about, but you have to allow for this to be true.

even among those who don't wholeheartedly believe in fairies, there's a lot more people who are agnostic about fairies.

people willing to admit that they're not sure if fairies are real, but willing to hedge on the side of maybe the fairies are real.

like, if you rephrased the question 'would you be more surprised to see an angel or a walrus at your door' you would probably be less surprised to see that people would be more shocked at the walrus, because you probably already understand that a lot of people believe in angels and consider them real, whether or not you believe in angels personally

also the SPN fandom would go ham on that, probably. (this is said with deep affection)

there was a fairly famous road built in Ireland that got rerouted because there was a bush that was important to fairies. (source) the fairy tree stalled the plans for the road for a fucking decade. this happened in my lifetime. people talked about it happening on the internet as it was happening, it's not some weird thing that happened in the middle of nowhere in the 1950s or something. they agreed to go around the damned bush in 1999. I know that seems a long time ago to some of y'all, but it really, really isn't.

there are still people who think the cottingley fairies were real. not a huge amount, but I hope enough to make my point- there's some people who believe in fairies so much and want them to be real so much that they think a famous prank (hoax is stretching it, imo, these girls were pranking their families and the press kind of coincidentally got involved) proves the existence of fairies.

there's a lot, lot, lot more people who believe in fairies and also will admit the cottingley fairies weren't real. the cottingley fairy truthers are a small a percentage of the people who believe in fairies.

I cannot emphasize enough that there are plenty of people who believe fairies are real and even more that could be very easily convinced that fairies are real

people have believed in fairies and been superstitious about fairies for a long, long fucking time

setting aside all of that

some people are more likely to see a thing that isn't real at their door than they are to see a living fucking walrus at their door.

fevers, migraines, mental stress, sleep deprivation (especially if you have sleep disorders, like insomnia or narcolepsy), and infection (among a very long list of other things), and prescription medication side effects can all cause visual hallucinations, and they're all states that you might not be aware that you're in when you start to see weird shit.

these are just the really mundane ones I plucked up off the list.

I have experienced hallucinations due to sleep dep and insomnia. unfortunately, for me, this manifested as a spider the size of a border collie (I wish I were joking) and not fairies, but fairies is a possibility that cannot be counted out.

I'm way more likely to have sleep deprivation and a migraine and a fever all at once than I am to see a walrus in person at a zoo, much less at my door.

it has happened before. it will happen again. it's happening right fucking now.

the fairies can have my birth name if they will take away my migraine.

just putting that out there.

I've never seen a walrus in person at all. I would like to, but it's not likely. there's not any in any of the zoos nearby that I could find.

current likelihood of me seeing a fairy on my doorstep is significantly higher than me seeing a fucking walrus. I am in a physical state where I have had visual hallucinations before, and it's not impossible I will have them again. I would not be particularly surprised, even.

as long as it's not the goddamn massive spider. I even like most spiders, but that is too much spider.

[skullytotheark]

Timothy Wright “Masky”

For beginners and people who want accurate/canonical lore

[i spent an hour writing about tim lore so i said fuck it and decided to post]

[NOTE: Alot of this is canon Tim lore except for headcanon stuff, The Original source for Tim is Marble Hornets.]

-

Bio

Name: Timothy Wright 

Current Age: 35 [late 20s when marble hornets ends]

Height: 5’6

Canonical Physical appearance: Timothy Wright is a slightly chubby build man with noticeable stubble and sideburns along with a combover hairstyle

Tim’s overall personality: Tim is a level-headed, cautious person, but he is not afraid enough of his advisories for them to disable him. Tim can also be socially awkward at times but tends to be calm a lot of the time

Canonical sexuality: Asexual [Confirmed by Tim Sutton]

Original source material: Marble Hornets [2009]

Creator: THAC TV [The Marble hornets crew], Troy Wagner, Joseph Delage [Writers of marble hornets] and Tim Sutton [Actor of Timothy Wright]

-

Lesser known facts

Tim’s final words to Brian who is revealed to be Hoody in entry 86, Were “I’ll Kill you”

When Jay is reading Tim’s files in entry 60.5, There is a noticeable detail in the documents that says “Does patient smoke” or something of this nature and it is ticked “Someone in the house smokes,” Implying that one of his family members smoke and this habit soon grew onto him

In entry ######, The person speaking throughout the video is confirmed to be Tim [the actor], Which Means that this is the first and last time where Masky has spoke

Tim was going to college originally wanting to do photography [confirmed by Tim or Troy]

Despite popular belief, Masky / Tim is not a proxy. This being confirmed from the multiple times both Masky & Hoody constantly avoid or run away from the Operator / Slenderman. 

After we are led to believe the worst when Marble Hornets ended [believing that Tim offed himself]. Skully in issue 3.5 from the official Marble Hornets comics confirms that Tim is in fact Still alive. This statement is also made true in the canceled Clear Lakes 44 series by Troy Wagner when we see footage of Tim returning to a normal life and working moving supplies 

OOC fact that i think more people should probably know about: The Cheesecake joke is a fatphobic joke made via the creepypasta fandom along with other viewers who would make negative remarks towards Tim's weight, Tim later develope a eating disorder because of the constant insults he got about his weight

-

[Canon] Important events & Lore for Tim

[For people who don't wanna sit through the entire series and kinda want it summarized through]

[NOTE: make note that I will be updating certain points if they are incorrect lorewise since alot of this is based off of my own interpretations and memories of the marble hornets series]

Tim’s childhood:

At First Timothy Wright was a very normal lad, Although socially awkward and having a slightly shaky relationship with his mother and father, Tim was considered a normal child. However It is when Tim is 8 to 12 this is when he’s beginning to experience symptoms that are under the hallucination and schizophrenia category. After multiple visits to the doctor his mother “Janet Wright” finally decides to send Tim to the local psychiatric ward where he is further treated by the doctors within the ward, But no matter what they’ve tried it seem that every now and then Tim will have a episode where he breaks out of the ward and run into the local park rosswood national park or hide in a maintenance tunnel which was close to the ward. Always claiming that he was hiding from whatever that he was seeing before bringing him back and locking Tim into his room and giving him large doses of his medication. 

College:

A Couple Of Years Later, [around early 2000s] Tim is released into the world and is stable enough to go to college and get proper education, Tim originally studied for photography however it is when his close friend “Brian Thomas” introduces Tim to “Alex Kralie”, Brian was originally auditioning for Alex’s student film “Marble Hornets” but soon Tim was somewhat pressured  into auditioning himself. Alex takes note of both of the two’s auditions and later hires them for his student film. Everything started off very tame, The cast would often go off to small locations and film for the movie until later on Alex seemingly becomes more paranoid and slightly aggressive towards his cast. While location hunting with Alex Tim takes him to an old abandoned location near his psychic ward he spent as a child, However after Alex pestered him about the ward Tim soon unwillingly showed him the ward where Alex later attempted to kill Tim. Tim narrowly escapes Alex and although Tim had no memory of this encounter Tim & Alex soon loose touch

Mid Marble Hornets:

[#54 to #59]

In the early 2010s Having no memory of most of the filming during Marble Hornets, Tim was now living a somewhat stable life with a small job. Everything seemed surprisingly normal in life until one of Brian’s Mutuals “Jay Merrick” requests a few of the tapes Tim had that he was given to by Alex so he can use some of the scenes to finish the Marble Hornets Film Alex was working on. Tim gives the tapes to Jay and Jay asks Tim to take him to one of the locations him and Alex visited to, Although slightly skeptical Tim agrees and takes him to the abandoned location. Jay strangely having a weird fixation on the abandoned ward next door to the location Tim originally took Jay to, While roaming within the halls Jay notices a hooded figure roaming down the halls and chases after him. Very suspicious of Jay’s behavior after this encounter, Tim discovers the “Marble Hornets Youtube Channel” and realizes that Jay was lying to him about wanting to finish the film. Tim confronts Jay in a parking lot and tells Jay to never talk to him again. However Tim’s medication was stolen by the Hooded figure that appeared in the ward and Tim has a seizure, When it ended Tim didn’t seem like his regular self as he dawns a mask from the hooded figure before entering rosswood park, Jay following the two in an attempt to help Tim while he was in this strange autopilot like state where Tim is extremely hostile and non talkative.

Masky: “A Mask Of My Own Face”

[Appearances:#18, #19, #23, #33, #35, #45  #50, #52, #61, #76 and # 86]

Originally appearing in entry 18, This strange state Tim appears in every now and then where Tim is mute and often hostile to most People. A possible Theory is that this State is the body’s self defense mechanism for an entity known as the Operator who has haunted Tim all of his life and is the possible reason he spent most of his childhood in a psychiatric ward in the first place. As mentioned this mechanism seemingly puts the body in an autopilot like state where Tim acts without second thought. The Hooded Figure seemingly knew this and exploited Tim’s defense mechanism to have Tim attack Alex multiple times, During one of these attacks Tim attacked Alex [who was visiting an abandoned location with Jay] wearing a white Mask that had black outlines going around the edge of the mask, Black teardrop shaped outlines going around the mask’s eyeholes, U shaped eyebrows and lips painted onto the white mask with black sharpie or paints. During this attack Alex tied Tim and had Jay hold him down before Alex smashed and broke Tim’s leg with a block of cement [this action from Alex caused conflict between him and Jay]. In another attack with Alex the hooded man distracted Alex as Tim got the upper hand and threw Alex to the ground, Tim then tries to smash Alex’s head in with the Rock but fails so attempts to choke him. However this attack failed and the two ran off when they noticed that the Operator was protecting Alex.

“The End Days”

[#63 to 83]

Towards The End. After Jay and Tim make an agreement to help each other, The Two begin going location to location in attempts of finding any pieces to the puzzle Jay has been trying to solve for years now, In attempts to avoid Alex the two would go hotel to hotel while constantly going to new locations slowly but surely piecing things together. During this Time Tim and Jay form a small friendship between each other while also sharing possible theories to what happened during marble hornets, Such as Where to find a missing person named Jessica Locke and why Alex did all of this. However things take a turn when Jay and Tim are attacked by the Operator while searching at Alex’s old house, This attack sending Jay in a state where he is barely aware of his surroundings and aimlessly wandering. Of course Tim tries to lessen the side effects from this attack by giving Jay some of his medication however Jay is very stubborn and seemingly refuses any help while in this state. A short while later when Tim and Jay discover that Alex was hiding in Tim’s house waiting for Tim to come back so he could kill Tim and hopefully Jay, A small argument sparked between the two about whether they should go to the house or not, They soon go to Tim’s house to learn that Alex was kidnapped by the hooded man and is holding him at a abandoned school. However Jay soon attacked Tim and snatched a tape recording that Tim was hiding from him, Jay leaves and watches the tape to find that the hooded man and Tim [while in autopilot state] abducted Jessica possibly in an attempt to drag her out of the whole marble hornets mess, The three go to Rosswood park only for Alex to attack them, Jessica defends herself from Alex when realizing Alex was the threat and not the two masked men before retreating in the forest only for the Operator to abduct her. Learning the contents within the tape only caused conflict to spiral between Tim and Jay when Jay pinned the blame on, Jay attempts to attack Tim but Tim disarms and ties Jay up, informs he’s going to the abandoned shool and leaves Jay at his house. While Tim was having a coughing fit moments after he exits the school and runs to his car he hears a loud gunshot, He recollects himself to find Jay’s camera which shows that Alex shot Jay and in response lock himself in a room only for the Operator to kidnap Jay. Upon learning about this Tim pins the blame on both Alex and the hooded man, A few days later Tim and the hooded man have a fight that led to the Hooded man falling out of the window and to his death. Leaving only Tim and Alex left,

“The Day, The Music Died"

[2014]

In the final days, Tim and Alex was teleported to different locations Tim has been to during marble hornets, The two often exchanging blows to each other while Tim attempts to persuade Alex into stopping this madness, However Alex believes that everyone he had killed was infected with a sickness and that if he hadn’t kill them the sickness would spread, Tim’s counter argument to this is that Alex was only being used by The Operator as a source of power. However when Alex finally gets a grip on Tim, Tim stabs Alex in the neck before stabbing him multiple times in defense. Ending the madness, A few days later Tim was last seen interacting Jessica who was revealed to be alive until Tim suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth. 

-

Personal Headcanons

Tim often avoids wearing clothing that he wore during marble hornets, Especially his Tan jacket he wore as Masky.

Tim sometimes gets recognized as the “Masky guy from That one web series”, A Lot of the time he tends to avoid interacting with people who recognized him since what happened during Marble Hornets greatly scarred and traumatized him. But every now every than he kinda has a small outburst where he basically says “Don’t talk to me or bring that shit up” before storming off

Tim often spots Skully in the distance watching him, Skully is the walking and breathing embodiment of everything and everyone he wants to forget but no matter how hard he tries Skully just seems to find them, Alot of the time he tends to ignore them but recently Skully has been standing in places where they are more noticeable so Tim can see Them, But whenever Tim asks if anyone saw Skully they don’t know what he’s talking about. He’s not even sure if Skully is real at this point.

The Operator doesn’t seem to stalk Tim as much as he expects, The Operator in fact barely follows him anymore due to the lack of conflict Tim has been involved him, Basically meaning that Tim is semi free from this parasitic worm clinging onto him and using him as a source for violence. But of course Tim doesn’t know this and is still extremely paranoid.

Tim finally is doing his original passion which is photography. He often tends to avoid going into wooded areas but every now and then he notices that sometimes his photos contain a bluejay in the background which, Sometimes saddens him but mostly makes him feel better. Tim usually takes photos of small flowers and places that often have beautiful scenery 

Tim has a job in repairing computers and getting rid of viruses on old people’s computers. But 99% of the time he’s standing at the cash register having old people ask weird and specific questions about the camera models they’re buying, Sometimes he wonders if working at mcdonalds is better but he does like getting paid

Proxy Tim AU

In this canon/au where Tim is working as a Proxy, Tim is seemingly hypnotized into working for The Operator. But little does the Operator know Tim is slowly but surely slipping out of his puppet like state

Alot of the time Tim hates interacting with other proxies, They’re so loud and honestly so disgusting. Tim is a regular guy amongst a crowd of killers who get their kicks off of killing innocent people just because this eldritch like being tells them to. He kinda finds them pathetic… 

Tim despises himself for working for the Operator, Tim thought he couldn't hate himself anymore but he has proven himself wrong yet again. He’s becoming more and more unphased by being told what to do by the Operator and it scares him. He doesn’t want to become like Alex but it seems that there’s no stopping that now. 

Tim’s original mask has seen better days. Every now and then he does attempt to clean it but staples and glue can't do a lot when your mask was crushed by a bunch of junk after you throw it away. So eventually Tim does get a fresh mask which has slightly smaller eyeholes and more pronounced lips then the last one but overall both masks have the same paint job, Also worth mentioning that Tim dons a new fur collar jacket and black leather/plastic gloves 

[sophieinwonderland]

So, singlet here, been on tumblr for a while but only started to join plural spaces when a friend told me they were plural and now I am trying to learn more. Sadly, the first plural creator I found was Aspen and now I’m trying to unlearn all the endo hate I’ve learned in the past month. If you don’t mind, could you tell me what an endo actually is? Whenever I asked them they just told me what I now know to be lies.

Sure! Thanks for reaching out and being open-minded!

In its most simple form, an endogenic system is a system who is plural for reasons other than trauma.

These include created systems, systems who have been plural as long as they can remember, and spontaneous systems who become plural without explanation. And any of these can have spiritual or psychological views on their system. The plural umbrella is inclusive to any plurals regardless of origin.

Here is what we know:

Plurality is old and everywhere: Throughout history, in cultures around the globe, plurality has existed in the form of possession states or communing with spirits or similar phenomena.

Many of the above experiences have been studied, and psychiatrists agree that they generally aren't aversive and shouldn't be considered a mental disorder. There are specific exceptions carved out stating that non-aversive plurality shouldn't be diagnosed as a disorder.

The invention of the internet and ability to connect with other plurals without fear of persecution led to the creation of the first inclusive plural communities online, shared by anyone who was multiple in one body for any reason.

At the time, the term "natural multiples" was used to refer to what we now call endogenic systems. The community replaced the term with "endogenic" around 2014.

Most of the resources used by the modern plural community came out of the inclusive side of the community. "Headmate" was a non-medical alternative to "alter." "Plural" was coined as a non-medical alternative to "multiple" which was associated with "multiple personality disorder" at the time. Fictives and factives both date back to the soulbonder community. And resources like Pluralkit and Simply Plural were made by endos.

What we don't know:

Scientific research into endogenic systems is still in its infancy. And though it indisputably exists, we don't know exactly what causes it... but we also don't know what causes someone to be a singlet...

Our brain is estimated to have 86 billion neurons with over 100 trillion synapses. We don’t understand what make all of these create one single personality.

The theory of structural dissociation suggests that children start with a less integrated personality that integrates over time. But that opens the door to ask, does this integration occur naturally due to biological factors, or is it from sociological and environmental pressure?

It seems possible to me that different environments or genetic factors could lead to certain humans just integrating into multiple people instead of one. This would explain systems who report being plural since birth.

For created systems, one hypothesis could be that it might involve a form of hypnosis. Some doctors have long believed hypnosis might involve dissociated parts, and Dr Samuel Veisseire and Michael Lifshitz, who have studied tulpamancy closely, believe the practices tulpamancers use to create tulpas might be inherently hypnotic.

Stanford University is doing a neurological study into tulpamancers, and I'm excited to see the results of that, but we aren't sure when that study is going to be complete. And that's likely just the first of many, and though it will be another piece of the puzzle, it certainly won't answer our most pressing questions for how this works. But I, for one, can't wait to learn more! 😁

[gregoriaofnyssa]

"Did God Make me Wrong?"

I was born with a handful of, on their own, minor defects. But grouped together, and because they were left untreated, I have what amounts to a hormonal intersex disorder-- the main symptom of which is many, many times more testosterone than a healthy woman. I produce slightly more than normal the amount of estrogen and progesterone. My symptoms are somewhat similar to that Algerian boxer, though I (and no other person besides apparently her and her doctors) do not know the details of it.

It was left untreated because I have XX Chromosomes, my periods are regular, and I am not infertile. It is my conviction that no doctor bothered to treat my condition, bothered to treat my hirsutism, acne, and bone deformation, because I was not a very pretty preteen to begin with. The doctors did not consider my appearance something worth saving. It was not good enough to begin with.

So now I am stuck with deformed bones and a hairy face. This one time, I was in a bathroom at a rest stop in West Virginia, and a woman stopped me, and told me she was going to get her state trooper on me, "for being a tranny in the bathroom". No doctor wanted to save me from that kind of fear and humiliation.

I shave constantly, but I know people still notice. They notice the razor burn on my face, certainly. If I waxed, I'd have to let the hair grow out, which I cannot take in public. My friends notice it. My fiancé notices it. I am deformed and I feel it, every single day.

I ask priests, sisters, and better Christians than me, "Why would God allow me to be born like this?" If God Loves beauty, how could he allow such ugliness?

You get the regular, "Oh don't say that :(" "We never notice!" "God doesn't care!" which are horrible lies. But every once and a while, I get, "Your condition is a product of the Fall," which is the only true response.

But how awful is it to have the Fall of Man and the sinfulness of the world written into your bones and growing out of your skin, like a monster.

The only thing I want in the world is to be pretty, and God will not give me it. What is the purpose in this?

[suzukiblu]

Ko-fi thank-you sentences for @zepysgirl; omega wet nurse "Carl" and Lor-Zod. Also, like, Bruce is there.

"Well, I'm glad to see you two are getting along," Bruce says cheerfully. "Seems like a good sign, doesn't it?"

At least Lor is actually nursing. Bruce had been vaguely concerned he might reject the prospect of a human wet nurse altogether, to be honest; the Kents had been lucky that Clark hadn't, and they'd had pack bonds to encourage him with, which Carl obviously does not. Definitely Bruce hadn't expected Lor to feral-bond with a human wet nurse, or even really bond at all. They don't know what he might or might not think of humans right now; up until this point, Clark's been by far his favorite person. He's mostly just clung to him, especially the weaker and hungrier he's gotten.

It seems like that hunger is effectively overriding any instinctual concerns Lor may have about nursing from a stranger from a different species, though. Which, while it's not ideal Lor had to get that hungry, is at least a silver lining to the situation.

Carl purrs at Lor and goes back to completely ignoring everyone else in the room. It's a little oddly intense a connection for such a new bond, feral or not, Bruce thinks, but as much as he's done the research, he's spent very limited time around pups who were still actually nursing, considering the respective ways he collected all of his own, so he can't say if it's anything concerning or not. Definitely enough to make the "detachment disorder" sound like a diagnosis from an incompetent, but not if it's anything concerning.

Given Lor's current health, it might be worth taking a risk or two anyway. And really, even a slightly ethically dubious wet nurse agency isn't going to be sending them a dangerous or unstable candidate, so . . .

. . . probably isn't.

Bruce might need to run a few more background checks.

Still, if Lor's responding this well to the kid this quickly, well, they can work with that for now. As long as he's getting fed and it helps in some way while they work on synthesizing something more Kryptonian-appropriate . . . well, this is just a stop-gap measure anyway. It doesn't matter if Carl's a little unusual or the agency is a little dubious.

As long as he's not actually a minor, anyway. If he's actually a minor, Bruce is going to have a severe ethical crisis between taking advantage of a kid and letting a pup starve to death, and if it comes to it, he already knows he'll take advantage of the kid as many times as it takes.

It's an awful thought, but it's what would have to happen. He'd lie to Clark until they could find another suitable candidate or just finally figure out how to synthesize the nutrients Lor needs, and only then would he make sure Carl gets the kind of help an omega minor in that situation would require.

Bruce knows his own mind. His own loyalties.

And he knows what kind of a person he is, too.

If he could, he'd have asked Jason for this. But Jason has already refused to come back to the pack, to put down his weapons, to be anyone but who he is, and Bruce can't expect him to forgive him enough for something like this anyway.

Jason forgave him for not saving his life, but he'd never forgive him for turning up and asking him to come home to take care of someone else's pup, and not for himself.

And he shouldn't, frankly.

Bruce would ask anyway, if he thought Jason would do it. If he thought there was even a chance of Jason doing it. The same way he'd take advantage of Carl if he had to.

But he wasn't the father he should've been, so he already knows Jason never would. If Jason is ever, ever going to come back to the pack, it won't be because Bruce tried to back him into a corner.

And it shouldn't be, Bruce knows, but he still wishes he could've asked.

Wishes he'd been a better father.

But when doesn't he, after all.

"Just Carl?" Clark asks. Travers looks goddamn wretched.

"Her name is Carly, Omega Lane!" she interjects quickly. "Short for Caroline."

"Oh, I thought he said Carl, didn't he?" Bruce mentions "casually". Clark looks briefly sour, then smiles pleasantly at Travers. Bruce does not in any way believe he missed being called "Omega Lane" instead of "Omega Lane-Kent", much less the pronouns Travers is using for Carl or Bruce's own entirely unsubtle corrections. Another parent might've, with their newest pup happily nursing from a total stranger, but Clark doesn't miss the little details that easily. Investigative reporter, after all, and one who's had to be better than most to get the recognition he deserved.

"Pleasure to meet you," Clark says politely to Carl, who doesn't even glance at him.

"Sure," he says, which is honestly more of a response than Bruce was expecting. Carl still looks absolutely smitten with Lor above all else. Normal enough, considering. Lor seems perfectly content in his arms, and is still nursing contentedly.

Carl is holding him securely, but just a little bit awkwardly–like it's unfamiliar to have a pup actually in his arms, or he's just inexperienced with it. Lor's clearly not having any trouble with nursing from him, though, which is interesting since Carl mentioned pups being dissatisfied with his milk flow before, but Bruce isn't going to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. If Lor is happy with what he's getting, that's a mercy.

Who knows what the typical Kryptonian nursing pace is like, anyway?

Aside from Clark, presumably, but it's not really the time to ask.

"The Waterton Agency, was it?" Clark tries. Carl still doesn't look away from Lor, but hums a vague confirmation.

"Fuck, how are you so cute," he mutters to Lor, clearly far more invested in him than he is in what Clark's saying. "I have never seen a pup half as cute as you."

[thoseyoulove]

Just finished Part I of The Vampire Lestat and here are my first impressions (I skipped IWTV *for now* since the show has already covered it... I'll read it eventually):

I can't tell yet if I like it or not.

So far, I enjoy the concept and the characters seem to be compelling. In terms of eventfulness, there hasn't been much, but I do have some interest in these people. They all appear to be complicated and have a lot of baggage, which I guess makes them appealing and gives the story potential. Let's see where this goes.

I don't hate, but I also don't love Anne's writing style. I don't think she narrates and describes things very well, she lingers on stuff I don't care that much for and doesn't provide details on things I'm actually curious about? There are some abrupt changes that annoy me sometimes as well.

I do believe this might be an attempt to get ourselves in the mind of Lestat and how he process to the world around him, though? It would make sense considering how chaotic he is.

Another thing I like is how he got so obsessed with the 20th Century, music and theater. The descriptions really give me the idea of someone experiencing the world for the first time (in a while) and considering how isolated he was growing up or after everything that happened with Louis/Claudia, it makes sense that he is so fascinated by all these discoveries. And it's really immersive and sweet to see how he in awe he is with all of it.

He also speaks like he is somebody born in the 1700s. So I give her credits for that as well.

Pretty sure Lestat is neurodivergent at this point (ADHD is basically a yes from me, maybe he has dyslexia and/or autism too).

And his memory is trash. So often he doesn't know if he actually did something, or if it were someone else, or if it was just a thought... I'm like, ARE YOU OKAY (he isn't)? By the way, this is painfully relatable because I also have poor short (and long-term) memory. Heaven help him (and moi).

That boy is a water sign if I've ever seen one.

He cries A LOT. I don't remember ever seeing any (book/show/movie) character cry that much, specially in such a short time lol. And the fact this is coming from a man and not a woman... There you go with defying gender norms, king!

Lestat having Borderline Personality Disorder isn't even a headcanon at this point, but a FACT.

He probably hasn't been hugged enough times in his life and it SHOWS.

Even with the abuse in his family, his frustration with his mother and the "malady of mortality", he manages to stay optimistic in a way that feels so childlike and naive that makes my heart warm and ache for him. I'm like, you deserve better.

Again, I don't know if I'm enjoying or not, but I do like the fact I can imagine Sam's Lestat doing all of this on season 3. Picturing Sam bringing these moments to life is the BEST PART of the reading.

Would I still read these books if the show never existed? That's what I need to find out.

I can see why some people got so invested in this character, though. At least for now. Some stuff hit close to home and I find myself rooting for him. I imagine that for the ones who read it at as a teenager, it must've made them feel less alone and seen to some extent.

At this moment, it's Lestat > Gabrielle > Nicholas for me.

Lestat's father isn't a person I care about, but depending on how the show adapts him, I guess it could be a good opportunity for a blind actor. It would be killing two birds with one stone, because it would develop Lestat's backstory, but also give space for a category that barely gets any job in the industry. I would love to see a powerful guest star that is a an actual disabled person playing a disabled character. Sure, we would hate him, but if someone manages to show their potential, book more roles and maybe even earn an award or nomination, why not?

Whenever Lestat talks about kissing his mother I get confused if the incest is already happening or not lol. Because I normally would just imagine a platonic kiss on the cheek or forehead and I haven't seen anything explicitly inappropriate. I don't know if it's because I'm reading the Brazilian Portuguese version, or if Anne wasn't that clear, or maybe I'm slow and naive, but nothing big seems to have happened? But I'm familiar with those spoilers, so... Anyway, whatever. It's not like I was counting the days to read about incest, so I don't really care about it being evident or not. I just mean that for now they seem to be more of a "parent that didn't want kids, but cares for him in a distant, but still real way and child that seeks for any crumbs of love and affection" kind of relationship.

Speaking of that, Lestat is SO DESPERATE for love, omg. Nicki was basically the first person besides his mother that was nice to him and he told the guy ALL OF HIS LIFE STORY AND FELL IN LOVE almost immediately? Get up!

Peak BPD/ADHD/maybe autistic/water sign/Scorpio behavior. MY GOD.

Still don't know how to picture Gabrielle and who I fancast playing her. I do think I have some sense of who she is now, which is nice. I also have some actors that could pass for Sam's parent and have the appropriate age to play her in my mental library, but I can't form a face yet. Not the face of a real actress or even an imaginary face, it's just a blur so far. Which sucks because I loooooooooove imagining fancasts, specially for a show as great as this one, but I'm just waiting for the revelation to come to me lmao.

[a-writer-on-elm-street]

Characters With An S/O Who Has OCD

mentioned: bo sinclair, lester sinclair, brahms heelshire, adam stanheight, lawrence gordon

warnings: implied contamination ocd, mentions of hand washing, mentions of injuries (cuts on hands), checking compulsions, counting compulsions, hurt/comfort

a/n: so this is probably one of the most personal things i'm gonna post on here since i actually do struggle with ocd but i hope you enjoy! also, lawrence and adam might not be 100% accurate because i'm only just starting out writing for them.

Bo Sinclair

Initially, you intended to keep the fact that you had OCD hidden from him, but you were eventually forced to tell him when he spotted the bloody cuts that covered your hands one day.

"The hell's wrong with your hands?" He asked, his face twisting in disgust as he pointed to the raw skin there.

"It's nothing." You said, shrugging him off.

But he wouldn't leave it alone. "Bullshit, ain't no way that's nothin'."

Eventually he wore you down and you tried to explain that it was from excessive hand-washing, to which he simply pulled a face, obviously confused.

There was no way he would sit down and listen to you explain in full though, so you opted to give him a brief explanation of your disorder before walking away, too scared to see his reaction.

Little did you know, he'd later show up to your room with what looked to be some sort of pharmacy bag.

"Look, I don't understand why the hell you'd do that to yourself, but it looks like it hurts." He said, awkwardly adjusting the hat on his head. "So I went out, got you some stuff."

He dumped the contents of the bag onto your bed, revealing an assortment of lotions and creams, and finally a roll of bandages, before stepping towards you slightly. "Didn't really know what you'd need, so I hope this is alright."

You couldn't help the smile forming on your lips as you looked up at him, his simple gesture making you feel less alone in your struggles. "Thank you."

He just shrugged it off before proceeding to silently take care of your injured hands.

Lester Sinclair

You told him pretty early in your relationship about your OCD and whilst he didn't fully understand it, he still supported you nonetheless.

He knew that you would often have bad days so he always made sure to ask how you were doing, sometimes offering to take you for a drive to help clear your head.

He could always tell when you were struggling because he'd notice how you would suddenly become reserved, quiet.

"You want some water?" He'd ask. "Or we could go into town for a little bit?"

He couldn't even begin to understand what you were going through but that didn't stop him from trying to help in any way that he could. And you definitely appreciated his kindness.

Brahms Heelshire

Honestly, when you first told Brahms you had OCD, he'd never even heard the term. But once you explained it to him, he immediately related to your need for control.

Obviously, not in the exact same way, but he understood how it could be distressing to go against certain routines, considering that was how he felt if he didn't stick to his own routines.

He didn't really understand what OCD was and he struggled to understand just how it affected you, but he understood that sometimes you would need space, time alone until you could get back on your feet.

He noticed how when you were having a bad day, you would be less physically affectionate with him, avoiding hugs and any close contact.

He wasn't a huge fan of the limited hugs or kisses and although his kiss goodnight had become an integral part of his nighttime routine, he tried to be okay with it not happening sometimes.

Brahms loved you and only wanted the best for you. He wanted to make sure you were okay and if giving you the space you needed was what helped, then he would definitely make himself scarce, probably retreating into the walls for a while until you were okay to spend time with him again.

And you would always assure him that he wasn't doing anything wrong and that you just weren't doing too good, and that you still loved him.

Adam Stanheight

For the first few months of your relationship, you decided to keep your disorder a secret from Adam, worried that he wouldn't understand and you would simply embarrass yourself.

But when you finally did tell him, well, he seemed pretty confused.

"So like what, you're a clean freak?"He asked, his brows still knitted together in confusion.

Your immediate thought was to get angry at him for saying such an insensitive thing, but Adam had seemed so kind during the months you'd been together so he surely didn't intend for it to be so insensitive.

You took a breath, proceeding to calmly explain to him that it was much more than just being a germophobe, which prompted him to begin asking a whole array of questions.

"Have you had this your whole life?" "If it hurts, why do you keep doing it?" "Have you talked to someone about it?" "Does that mean you don't like it when I hug you?"

And finally, "Are you okay?"

You couldn't control the smile on your face as you looked at him, the confusion still evident in his eyes even though he just spent the last ten minutes bombarding you with questions.

You told him that you were okay and that you had coping tools, but sometimes you would just have bad days.

He then joked that he was dating a superhero because it takes a strong person to live with something like that.

And then he ended with one final question. "Can I kiss you?"

Lawrence Gordon

There was never any hiding your disorder from Lawrence. He wasn't necessarily a psychiatrist, but he was still a doctor. The second he spotted all the repetitive behaviours he realised something was wrong.

He would often notice you checking the locks at night when he stayed over, or your countless trips to the bathroom, or the fact that it always took you exactly twenty seconds before you could walk away from the light switch.

He knew you were showing signs of OCD, he just didn't know if you knew.

One day whilst you were in the kitchen together, he brought it up. "I think you need to go and talk to someone."

You were slightly confused and a little taken aback at his sudden comment. "What?"

"I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to intrude, but I've seen your behaviour and I'm worried about you."

You just gave him a nervous laugh, knowing exactly what he was trying to say now. "What do you mean?"

He took a short breath before speaking again, as though he were giving a patient bad news. "I think you might have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder."

"Oh, I know." You answered. Now he was the one who was confused.

"What?"

"I didn't wanna say anything because I knew you'd probably just go into doctor mode and start treating me like a patient. And I didn't want that."

You both left the conversation like that, and you assumed that things would probably be awkward between you two now.

But the next morning, you walked into your kitchen to find Lawrence stumbling about as he attempted to plate up what looked like pancakes.

"I'm sorry about yesterday, I really need to learn not to bring my work home with me." He explained, an apologetic smile on his face. "I thought I'd make you breakfast, if you're up for it."

You offered him a small smile as you sat down with him, a warmth filling you at the sight of the misshapen pancake on the plate.

"Thank you for making breakfast." You told him. "And thank you for trying to diagnose me yesterday. I really do appreciate that you were just trying to help."

"If you ever need anything, you can come to me okay? I promise I won't treat you like a patient. I don't see you like that."

"Thank you."

[Main Masterlist]

[ikamigami]

I think that there's something going on with Sun.

In this post I'll be talking about how recently Sun is acting a little bit odd.

We all know that Sun was worrying about Moon even before Earth told him what Moon was planning to do. So it's not that weird that he's more stressed. But there are some things that makes me think that there's more going on with Sun. Something which Sun hides from others - probably because he doesn't consider it to be a big deal or even a real issue..

I talked plenty of times about how people suffering from depressive psychosis often don't say anything about their symptoms. We saw that with Sun as well. Sun didn't open up about having hallucinations on his own. Both Earth and Moon found out by accident. Because they were there when Sun was hallucinating.

I said that it wouldn't be surprising if Sun was hiding his symptoms once again after feeling better. I've seen people saying "how Sun would be hiding his issues for so long?" etc. And that's a good question. But answer is really simple - this disorder is just like that. I like to think about it as a silent disorder. Also Sun probably thinks that he's okay. So why he would bother anyone about his "not a big deal" issues..

Beside that I was hiding my symptoms for more or less a decade so...

And with what I said recently that I think that Sun may not be that much aware of what exactly is going on with him - he's only slightly aware which is common for people suffering from depressive psychosis hence why they hide their symptoms because they feel ashamed and they feel like a burden and Sun also may think that it's not that important which he even told that Earth - it wouldn't be surprising that he could have another psychotic episode without him realizing it.

It's most probably that his family thinks that when hallucinations ended and that he seems fine that it was just a one time thing and not that he might be suffering from disorder - Sun also thinks the same.

And here's the thing. In depressive psychosis it's hard to tell when next episode may happen. Often times a person suffering from it will experience a relapse after receiving treatment (even many years after the treatment). So what about when someone isn't treated for depressive psychosis or if treatment isn't specifically for depressive psychosis (and we all know that Earth isn't a professionalist) - having another psychotic episode is more likely to happen.

So now when I explained some things we can get to the point of this post.

Sun is acting odd recently.

I already talked about Sun's line "sometimes I wonder if it'd be better if Moon and I never separated" from second therapy episode and explained what it is a callback to and what it probably means.

So let's talk about other "odd" things.

On second family therapy episode near the end Sun walked up to a radio to turn it off and under his breath he said "please stop". The issue is that radio wasn't even on. This may mean many things. But when we consider what Sun said that he's paranoid about Moon's state - he didn't explain what he meant. And I think that it was a bad thing. Sun expressed having paranoid thoughts before which is quite common for people suffering from psychotic disorders. From my own experience - it's hard to ignore paranoid thoughts especially if they're persistent and it's worse if they're accompanied by delusions. So to say it shortly, Sun is probably very stressed out. But my point is that I think that Sun is hallucinating once again.

Another thing is when Earth went to talk with Sun and Lunar about Moon's situation (before they learned what Moon is up to) Sun was standing silently waiting for donut to come back. This whole situation was bizarre. And considering how Sun seemed unresponsive and that he barely had any reaction to what Earth told him that Moon might be up to something bad (even though Moon talked with Sun about what if Ruin was still here and if it'd be okay to sacrifice him to bring Solar back which definitely should've clicked in Sun's head).. and then he was just gone. He left the Daycare because he had a break but why he left before Earth got back? And why he didn't inform anyone that he went home - cause I think that this is what he did, right? I found these things to be odd..

Another thing is when Papyrus appeared in the Daycare Sun was literally spamming words from his mouth.. it was odd to me that no one even said anything about it in the comments. Why Sun was talking so fast? The change in speech is common for people suffering from psychotic disorders. And we had plenty of examples when Sun was either talking faster so it was hard to understand what he's saying or he was mumbling to himself which often times was very hard to understand or even hear what he was saying..

Another thing was in yesterday's episode - Sun went for donut to bring it back to the Daycare and he was talking about someone who takes the donut out and thinks that's funny. But who Sun could possibly be talking about? Dazzle? Jack? Kids? Maybe kids because that's what he told Earth previously. But I find it quite odd because it wasn't happening before. I just find it odd.

But what's more important is that Sun said that he was tired of doing things. He said that he could sleep forever - hmm and never wake up? Seems like he's depression is talking. This is something more concerning also considering that Moon from that dimension mentioned a few times how depressed and sad Sun seems.. to which Sun denied it - but like I said he probably thinks that he's fine because it's not a big deal and others are in worse state like Moon for example.

If there was more things that you found odd in Sun's behaviour let me know ^^

But I'm really concerned that Sun's mental state is worsening but the worst thing is that he isn't even aware of this..

[thefirstknife]

I think the giving Crow Uldren's memories thing is really fascinating, honestly! It really is interesting to explore how much of "you" is based in your memories vs other, more intangible aspects? For many people I imagine that they feel like he's Uldren again because to them their sense of self is tied to their memories--by his regaining them all he regain his past self. In that regard he could be considered Uldren but "changed" in the same way we all change over time with our experiences. We are still "us" as we grow but we also aren't the same as we were 5, 10, 15, 30, 60, etc. years ago. For Lightbearers there's some extra complexity--memory is gone but aspects of the old self may remain. And what if one regains their full memories and acts and feels in a way that can't be distinguished from their past self? How does one define that difference when, to all appearances inside and out, there isn't one? (In Crow's case yes there are some differences, I mean in a more hypothetical way of looking at the idea of Lightbearers and past life memories). For other people who define a "self" on something other than memories, it would make sense for them to still see Crow ad somebody else despite his full memories returning. And there's also the idea of how much "self" is in memories even when those memories feel like they may come from another? (Which can happen IRL, too--there's various mental things that can cause memory wonkiness and all, and it can be something that we as real people grapple with, too.) It's such a fascinating, but also painful, concept being dealt with because "how much of a person is still them when their memories are gone" is a very real thing we humans face in every day life at times (so many disorders and injuries that can damage or destroy memory). It makes the whole thing more grounded and emotional, I think. And I don't think there's actually one solid answer, so the fact that he's not the absolute main focus of storylines where they try to answer that is a good way to handle it, I think. (Sorry for the, like, inquiriry essay I just. Love Crow and how complex his entire situation is and the questions the whole thing raises about what makes you, well, "you"?)

No worries, this is a really good point!

It's one of those things that creates interesting questions in this setting. Obviously most Guardians will not remember or know anything about who they were before, but for some that do, the situations are really cool to explore. And Crow's situation is unique here. Truly, what does make you "you" and how do our memories define our identities? And additionally, how does this affect those around us?

[crazy-pages]

This Stuff Sinks In Deep

So I was talking to my mother the other day.

She's a therapist, one of her specialties is eating disorders. She's been doing this since literally before eating disorder certifications were a thing with the APA. She got into it because she had anorexia herself and was helped by therapy. And I think maybe she's developed orthorexia in spite of overcoming that, as age has started to affect her body. She's considered to be one of the best eating disorder therapists in my hometown, a city with one of the highest per capita concentration of psychologists in the US and also one of thinnest, which is relevant here.

Well when we were talking, she mentioned anorexia's BMI criteria. (And yeah she knows BMI is an absurdity of a metric, but she was not questioning the concept of anorexia having a fat-related criteria.)

So I laughed and said, "Hah, the best criteria for anorexia, the criteria which makes the majority of anorexia 'atypical'."

And this is where things get sad.

Because I'm up to date on 'atypical' anorexia research. How the majority of anorexics actually do not meet the BMI criteria and are therefore considered 'atypical', but nevertheless experience the same behavioral symptoms, thought patterns, health consequences (including the cardiovascular and bone stuff that sticks with you), morbidity correlations, mortality rates, etc. I'm even familiar with the research of someone living in the area near my mother, on how atypical anorexics have worse outcomes actually, because of massively delayed treatment (on the order of years). Because, you know. I'm a research scientist and I grew up cutting my teeth on my mom's psych research journals. And I listen to Maintenance Phase which is how I learned about the researcher near her (hey sometimes pop culture science is how you find sources). And you know. It's my mom's thing and she's important to me. Of course I still keep up with this stuff.

And my mom said, "What?"

"You know. 'Atypical' anorexia? The majority of actual anorexia cases? People who meet every other criteria but just don't reach the supposed BMI threshold? Have the same symptoms? 'Atypical' anorexia? Why what do you call it?" (I assumed she had some less nonsense term for it than 'atypical' anorexia, so atypical anorexia didn't immediately register for her.)

"What?"

"The ... the diagnosis? Atypical anorexia? Same exact diagnostic criteria and presentation as anorexia nervosa except for the BMI criteria? Same health outcomes? Sufferers experience additional difficulties seeking treatment?" (She's my mom, she was just having a brain fart about the term. I learned everything I know about anorexia from her. Right?)

"Uh, are you talking about one of those new agey disorders people sometimes throw around, that's not in the DSM 5? Those aren't necessarily reliable you know. I think you're thinking of binge eating."

"What?! Mom, no, no no no. Atypical anorexia nervosa. Same symptoms, but the person has a higher minimum weight before the body stops losing mass. Or you know, shuts down and dies."

"Sweetie I don't think that's a real thing. That's not in the DSM, at the very least."

"?!?!?!?!" (Maybe she's right, there's sometimes bias against the inclusion of disorders which bring focus to systemic medical malpractice.)

*ten seconds of internet search later*

"Uhhh, no mom. It's right there. In the DSM 5 for 11 years now. Atypical anorexia nervosa. More people have it than 'typical' anorexia nervosa. It's the most common presentation of the disease you specialize in?" (at this point my voice was getting kind of thin and reedy)

And my mom just. Had no idea. Didn't really want to hear it either. I pulled sources. Got her to pull up the DSM definition for herself. But she stayed wedded to the idea that anorexia is defined by weight and that someone with an eating disorder who didn't hit the anorexic threshold (or wasn't on their way there) must be something other than anorexic. They must be periodically binging, or that it was a way to describe temporary disordered dieting or-

My mom's helped a lot of people with anorexia over the years.

After that call I ended up staring at the ceiling and wondering how many people with it she's hurt, because she thought they couldn't have anorexia. How many of her own clients might be in the population sample of that local researcher who investigated the harms done to 'atypical' anorexics by a medical system that refuses to recognize their symptoms.

There's the obvious and brutal story here, about how deep fatphobia goes in medicine, even among those who heal its consequences. But also...

To my friends? If we're ever talking and you realize I'm stuck in mental rut like this, fixated on some old conception of something, just ... I dunno. Say "red light". That'll be the signal for me to shut the fuck up and treat whatever you're about to say really seriously, with the assumption I have gone terribly astray.

[anonymoushotsexyperson]

GROWING UP A FAT GIRL IN THE Y2K ERA

I know peoples attention spans suck so don't worry im adding sections. So you can scroll through and just read whatever intrigues you if you can't commit to the whole thing!!

this post will talk about my experiences growing up as a fat girl and just a little bit about how it effected my relationship to my body as I grew up as well as the struggles of fatness intersecting with racism and ableism as well as very briefly touching on the wojack giving fat girl backshots meme going around!

SECTION 1 THE BEGINNING OF MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BODY AND HOW FAT PHOBIA EFFECTED IT.

My first experience with fat phobia I remember consciously is around the ages of 6 or 7. My mother and father had recently divorced and I was growing into myself more and more everyday getting stronger, smarter, limbs getting longer, body getting bigger. I was going through growth spurts. I would chub up a little then id grow a few inches, chub, grow, chub grow. Seems like a pretty normal concept or idea to manage right? Well not for the average y2k adult. Everyone would always make comments to my mother or out of fear of being judged for being a bad parent she would bring it up herself. I remember my mothers response to the comments about my body. "she is stress eating because of the divorce!" was always her reply... and giiiiirl no the fuck I wasn't. I was not really that effected by my mom and dads divorce till later on. At that age as long as I was surrounded by most of my family and I had YouTube much else didn't matter to me and kind of went over my head if i'm being real with you. Hey I'm a kid though who knows maybe I was stress eating and just had no idea what to call it at the time and then don't remember but honestly, if my memory is serving me correctly I used to be so confused when she said that! If I was eating a little more it was probably because I was GROWING INTO MY BODY MAYBE?? That was my first run in which followed up with many more, like when my dad made me step on a scale in the living room of his new home strangers -that later became family- walking around, free to stare at whatever the number said. "If you don't lose weight you are coming to live with me." Still echoes through my head, I was about 7. It doesn't stop there I was being called a cow at school, or by my older brothers at home during petty fights we'd have. Some how none of the insults really stuck like that (besides the situation with my dad). They definitely hit me, but if I denied that they did then that counts as dodging them right? Growing up I always thought I wasn't that heavily effected by the raging and rampant fat phobia permeating through the y2k, but in reality it caused me to start neglecting my body all together. Up until the summer between 7th and 8th grade I never looked at myself in the mirror. Maybe a quick glance but I would never fixate on my appearance. Now hyper fixating on your appearance can be unhealthy but so is pretending you don't have one at all which was the type of timing I was on. Fat phobia among other factors was the leading cause of what became a history of neglecting myself.

SECTION 2 DEVELOPING AN EATING DISORDER AS A FAT PERSON

scroll to the next section if you want to avoid triggers!

The effect fat phobia had on me didn't really start to show on the surface until 7th-8th grade. My girlfriend had an eating disorder and she was living with me at the time because her family was homeless (we were closeted as best friends). She didn't encourage my eating disorder but it was kind of a monkey see monkey do kind of thing, she made me start to consider it. At that age range I was looking for different ways to destroy myself as well as connect with my peers and some how those too things strongly intersected as the glamorization of self harm and mental illness was at an all time high. I'm not sure why twelve to thirteen yearly anon wanted to destroy themselves so bad but I think if anything it stemmed from a need for control over my surroundings. At this age my home life wasn't the best. I forgot how, but I think maybe through just looking up depressing quotes in general I found the infamous Ana and Mia. Oh and trust me Cassie Ainsworth from skins did not help AT ALL. CUE THE INFAMOUS GIF:

TW CASSIE AINSWSORTH GIF:

even LOOKING FOR THIS GIF BEGAN TO STIR SOMETHING INSIDE ME OH MY GOD??

The worst part about being a fat girl with an eating disorder is how proud of me everyone was. "Anon you're getting so slim!" "Anon look at you slimming out see I knew it was just baby fat!". My friends knew of my ed so they would never compliment me for it or really talk about my body in general, probably half because of my ed but also half because I was still fat and not considered desirable or something to be jealous of regardless of if I lost a few pounds. But my family complimented my figure a lot as I slimmed and I got less fat jokes and the doctor was happy and people did treat me a little different. JUST a little cuz I was still fat but a noticeable enough change in the way people treated me for me to want to keep going and indulge myself deeper in my unhealthy habits.

But yeah long story short I developed an ed and I thought I was so fat and gross and disgusting and dude I look back at myself and why was my body LICHRALLAY SO T??? I honestly wasn't even morbidly obese or anything (which I am now BECAUSE of my eating disorder but fuck it we ball and also I ENJOY BEING FAT I knowww plot twist right?) also you minors in the ed community YES YOU take NOTE at this next part: I was literally just growing into my body... but then I fucked up my metabolism really bad and completely skewed my relationship with health, dieting, and workout culture so i'm either doing too much or not enough. So not only did my metabolism get utterly destroyed but having to learn how to take care of myself from scratch ended up destroying all the progress made and here I am literally 60 pounds heavier than I was back then and i've dropped weight since i've developed a healthier relationship with my body so if we are keeping it a buck until about a year ago I had accumulated about 100 pounds of weight since my pre ed days because of the effects the eating disorder had on me ! (oh and I have heart problems now not from being fat but from attempting to become skinny the wrong way! if you fast and binge or fast and do cardio and feel your heart beating like that... if you know you know...yeah you're fucking up your heart and need to stop like right now girly!) SO yeah I am a recovering anorexic with some bulimic symptoms. Though even after developing my eating disorder my issues with body image didn't really really affect me until later on.

SECTION 3 THE SOCIALIZATION OF FATNESS/THE INTERSECTIONAL STRUGGLE BETWEEN MY BLACKNESS AND FATNESS/ BECOMING THE DUFF/ WOJACK MEME.

Along side subconsciously neglecting myself I would also publicly portray myself as very tough skinned and overly confident all throughout middle and high school as a defense mechanism when in reality I was pretty indifferent toward myself and extremely sensitive. I think that my tough exterior wasn't only due to me being fat but also being a black woman although I am biracial/light skinned in complexion I feel like I was still hyper masculinized due to my blackness especially growing up in an area where I was closer in proximity to blackness then a large majority of my counterparts. I feel like a lot of my aggression and flamboyancy came from constantly being in a state of self defense and also subconsciously feeling like I had to play the role that was written for me or else I wouldn't be loved or appreciated or wanted. By the role that was written for me i'm talking about Precious, Rasputia, Mercedes Jones, Ivy Wentz, the stereotype of being the fat black women, and for my non black fat baddies for you this would be The DUFF role. This is when you're known as the flamboyant friend with the attitude that everyones scared to make the butt of the joke because she is NOT afraid to snap you in two. The stereotype isn't entirely wrong i'm sure a lot of people fall into it for the same reason as me but then it becomes our main character trait, and that mixed into a juicy cocktail of dehumanization of fat bodies turns you into the friends the skinny girls bring to the club to scare off ugly dudes as if you're a bodyguard and are immune to sexual or physical assault because you're fat!

So I grew up neglecting my body because of fat phobia developed a life altering eating disorder because of how romanticized they were due to fat phobia, and spent my whole life being guys secret crush, or the "annoying dramatic fat girl" because of fat phobia but still even then it didn't seem it had the real detrimental effect on my body image everyone said it would until I was 20. When I was 20 I moved back to my hometown for a little bit where the beauty standard is very much "ambiguous white skinny girl" and I thought that maybe I would get play because hey we are like adults who are deprogramming all that bullshit anyway right? WELLL I did get play, crazy play of course! Just in secret, and I've had guys have secret crushes on me etc but never to the extent I began to face it in my 20's where they would so obviously be horny over me all the time while simultaneously being mad at me for making them horny because I'm fat and it confuses and embarrasses them ( men are genuinely socialized to be suchhhh fucking psychopaths. -if you're a guy and you're reading this don't say that not all men bullshit yes we know not you i'm not gonna specify every time to preserve your ego goddamn). I have some sad and weird stories about that, that involves men thinking they could be more aggressive with me or literally impose violence on me or be extremely weird and creepy because they're embarrassed they're attracted to a fat girl and on top of that a fat black girl that they hyper-masculinized and degraded in their head due to societal pressure/influence... but imma save that for another day or maybe never because I see nothing coming out of me posting that on here but relived trauma. Also the type of man I just described are the same ones reposting this new viral wojack meme by the way:

thats all im saying about that meme, the guys reposting it like fat bitches and are scared that they like us and can't think for themselves thats literally all I wanted to input into the conversation regarding THAT....

also I use the word bitch in an endearing aave way not in a deragotry way so please don't hit me with that "don't call women bitches" thing I don't be doing it a lot but im also not gonna stop using aave and also i'm LICHRALLY AFAB sooooo shut up...

ANYWAYS...The violence I faced at this point in my life really triggered something in me it made me realize that because of the stereotypes held up against me I will never be treated or respected or perceived authentically by the average Joe. The only person that would see me is those who have taken extensive time to deprogram parts of their brain that created these deep routed bias etc. ( also if you're wondering why these biases were created it all leads back to capitalism but THATS for another post..) After facing literal violence cause of my body it definitely caused a blow at my self esteem, but even then I shined on and persevered continuing to be my sexy self.

SECTION 4 FAT PHOBIA AND ABLEISM INTERTWINED.

It wasn't until I randomly got into an accident and became temporarily handicapped while also in the most toxic relationship of my life did I really start to fucking hate myself. For multiple months I couldn't walk, and not only was I physically handicapped but the trauma I was experiencing at that time of my life had left me mentally handicapped as well I simply didn't want to be alive and exist in this body or any body I just didn't want to exist. I had a foot I could hop on but I couldn't carry all my weight on that foot because of my previous issues with my health, (I had already been struggling with a chronic illness that effected my muscles) and i didn't have the strength in my arms for the crutches so I succumbed to my injuries, resulting in weight gain, eventually hip and back issues etc. Then, when my leg healed, the access weight made me feel like I couldn't walk without pain. I was having issues with my health unrelated to my weight since 2020 but I was homeless up until last year and it was also covid so I had no way to really see a doctor and also I was like 18-19 and had no fucking idea how any of that worked and am still figuring out how it works to this DAY. I actually just got my insurance card for the first time this year. YIPPE YIPPE EVERYBODY CLAP. These issues with my health effected my muscles and my bodies ability to absorb the nutrients from the food I ate so this injury was kind of like the icing on top of the cake because my chronic illness made the recovery almost in possible. I would cry a lot, stopped taking pictures of myself, and everything. But even then I knew I didn't really have any interest in being thin I actually really fuck with my warm fluffy voluptuous form, I just didn't want to be unhealthy.

I still haven't fully unpacked the shame I felt around being unhealthy, I was so ashamed despite me trying my best with what I had, and what I knew, and I also still haven't fully unpacked why I feel like I have to specify as I literally just did a few lines earlier that I was 'trying my best', why do visibly disabled folks only deserve care or sympathy when they're actively trying to fit into a world that isn't set up to support or aid them when it very well could be? The intersectional oppression of ableism and fat phobia is still something i'm actively developing my thoughts about.

A thought ive been thinking about a lot is how obesity is a health condition and it can be detrimental to some folks and that saying that it isn't is a reactionary trauma response to fat phobia BUT also a lot of things can be detrimental and the level of detriment different things give you differentiates based on the person. Some people are bigger than me and healthier. Some people are smaller than me and UNhealthier. The detriment fatness has on your health as all things doesn't exist on the linear scale we have created for it. SO although obesity is a disease and proposing that fat doesn't correlate with health in an important way is harmful it is also harmful and plain weird to hyper fixate on obesity. Im also thinking about how obesity is treated this way because it's one of the most visible health issues and how that bleeds into ableism. I'm still working on these thoughts i'm having and how to explain and dissect them in a proper digestible and understandable way. So I think this where I leave you to think on your own about this, what do you think? Please feel free to comment below!

[sophieinwonderland]

r/systemscringe user ponders the question of whether they would still hate endogenic systems if we stopped calling ourselves systems. It goes... predictably.

Before going on... let me just stop and say how sad I think it is that u/DustyArcade is befriending people to bait them into revealing personal details about themselves for Reddit Karma.

While it seems hopeful that they're more open-minded than some of the others on the general concept of plurality, this is a really gross behavior.

Spoiler: the answer to this question is yes!

But before we get into that...

PSA: Beware @/Cains-Coin-Shop

Now, I am going to get into the comments, but before I do, we need to take an intermission for a PSA regarding u/DustyArcade. When looking at their post history, I ran across this.

The blog has apparently been reinstated in the week since that post.

And they're apparently an anti-endo tulpamancer.

I remember running across this not too long ago, thinking about responding, but deciding not to. Though given that this user is baiting people into friendships to post to Reddit, WATCH OUT FOR THIS BLOG.

I don't know of this is their bait blog or just another blog they happen to run. But either way, they aren't a safe individual to interact with if you're concerned about being posted to r/systemscringe.

Now, back to our regularly-scheduled debunking...

"They're already saying they don't have DID/OSDD but they're still faking it" is some of the wildest reasoning I've ever seen.

Now, "used by" is a pretty interesting use of words. Because sure, there are plenty of DID/OSDD systems who use these terms. But remember that "plural" was created in the 90s as an alternative to the medicalized "multiple." Likewise, "collective" and similar terms were created to distance people from medicalized terms like "system."

It's pretty clear that u/NonamesNolies has no understanding of plural history, which does get pointed out by u/DustyArcade to their credit.

Pretty sure the equivalent term before "endogenic systems" was "natural multiple."

Normally at this point, I would point out to u/NonamesNolies that the ICD-11 acknowledges that you can have multiple distinct personality states without a disorder.

I would point out that the creators of the Theory of Structural Dissociation have said spiritual practices and hypnosis may be able to result in the creation of self-conscious dissociative parts of the personality.

I would point to the chapter in Transgender Mental Health, published by the APA, which stated that you can be plural without a disorder or trauma.

But I won't do that because I know for a fact they aren't willing to listen, and just prefer to call any psychiatrists who disagree with them grifters. And yes, that's an actual thing they did, which I will get to at the end of this post!

Meanwhile...

Really just... going straight for those cult accusations, huh?

Funny from the science-denier.

Anyway, it's amazing how completely wrong they are on the term "multiple."

Yes, originally, the term was shared. And it still is to an extent. But then as the endogenic/non-disordered community broke off, they coined and popularized "plural" as an alternative to avoid medical connotations.

Plural was NEVER a DID/OSDD-specific term. It was always inclusive to all systems from the beginning.

But there you have your answer. It's not about the terms we use. It's about our existence. The language we use doesn't really matter to them.

There is... a whole lot in this interaction that it's hard to know where to begin. For one thing, most tulpamancy is viewed as psychological. And I imagine that even most spiritual tulpamancers would dispute their practice being considered "religious."

But to u/doubtful_messenger's assertion that endogenic systems need a parasitic relationship with DID, I'm just going counter that endogenic plurality through various names has existed for a long, long time.

The explanation of some forms of plurality as a mental disorder is fairly recent, only arising in the past couple hundred years. Before that, any instance of plurality was viewed as spiritual. Endogenic systems don't need a DID community to exist.

The tulpamancy and daemonism communities, forming completely independently of the larger plural community, proves that.

Finally... there's u/DustyArcade saying they thought they were turning into an endo, which I think I'll just let speak for itself.

...

The final comment in this thread I want to mention is from u/Kamari-mari, who I feel perfectly encapsulates the anti-endo point of view.

"Nothing you say matters because we already made up our mind and won't read anything that contradicts our preconceived notions."

And shoutout to u/bugzxvi for their addition of congratulating u/Kamari-mari for bragging about not being able to read three short paragraphs. It really pulls the whole thing together.

...

Okay, now I referenced u/NonamesNolies calling psychiatrists grifters, so let's dive into that next!

r/Systemscringeing on Transgender Mental Health

Quick note: That's not a typo. r/systemscringing is a new hatesub like r/systemscringe, but exclusively for systems to make fun of other systems.

The relationship between transgender mental health and plurality, including DID, seems pretty obvious to me. How many systems have headmates with various genders? How many of those experience dysphoria while fronting? How does the gender of nonfronting headmates affect the fronters? How do these factors affect transitioning?

This stuff is super important for doctors to understand when treating plural patients.

And it's wild how u/NonameNolies just immediately jumps to hating a psychiatrist for acknowledging the existence of endogenic systems.

This gets even worse in the comments.

What is the logic supposed to be in this argument? "If you're not a trauma specialist, you aren't qualified to say that plurality can be caused without trauma?"

How does that track?

I mean, surely, not being a trauma specialist means there's a better chance you'll run into plurals who aren't traumatized than someone who exclusively works with trauma victims, right?

"You can't say things other than X can cause Y unless you're an expert in X" doesn't actually make any sense.

Imagine if you decided that to say "diseases other than cancer can kill you," you needed to be a cancer specialist.

That would be pretty silly, wouldn't it?

Can we just take a step back for a moment and imagine something for a moment...

You are Eric Yarbrough. You worked hard for 8 years to earn a doctorate in psychiatry.

You've served the LGBTQ community tirelessly in the psychiatry field since, serving as president of The Association of LGBTQ psychiatrists, among many other roles.

You've become a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, one of the highest honors given by the APA.

And some rando on Reddit just called you a grifter and said you should be ashamed of yourself because they're upset you don't support their bigotry in a book that itself was reviewed and published by the American Psychiatric Association.

...

Anyone else just feel like anti-endos treat psychiatrists the way Trump treats judges?

[onecinder]

PAUSING THE GAME IN THE MIDDLE OF (EPISODE 4?) TO RANT

It will probably be incoherent and not based in reason at all because I'm in the middle of the game and haven't had time to cool down. But.

BRUCE IS A TERRIBLE FRIEND. and JOHN IS... KIND OF A TERRIBLE PERSON? (No i don't mean that)

I really, really want to dislike John but I just CAN'T. He's too sincere and he genuinely has good intentions, which is more than I can say about even people who are on the 'good' side.

I just can't help but think his response is sweet when Bats lets him keep the selfie or teaches him how to batarang. And I feel genuinely sorry for him when he's up in harley's office having a terrible time, in a really dark place, and all Bruce does is barge in and demand that he tell him where Harley is. Like, John had a freaking BLACK EYE and straight up told Bruce that Harley hit him, and he just dismisses that?? I get they're on a time crunch but he could show a little sympathy for his FRIEND?? Especially since John is already mentally unstable and clearly can't give them clear answers as of the moment (well, without a fair bit of prodding.)

Then there's the fact that Bruce knowingly took advantage, exploited, even manipulated a mentally ill, unstable, vulnerable and impressionable man. Like I know John isn't a saint and he's perfectly capable of manipulation - shown when he tries to manipulate Harley if the player chooses to teach him that - but he is still trying to 'find himself'. Being surrounded by a gang of criminals as soon as he got out was already not helping to shape him into a 'good' person, but when the only 'good' person around him is Bruce and that person is just USING him... that's pretty harsh, man. It just pushes him further away from who he may subconsciously want to be.

However, John absolutely loves violence and although he does show empathy on the vigilante path for Willy if he dies etc etc, oftentimes his love for violence overrides that (e.g. when willy is punched by Bruce, john just stands there recording. Same with Bruce's fight with Catwoman in the water tower.) Along the same lines, he also shows no remorse when all those people were slaughtered brutally in SANCTUM.

But I AM super reluctant to call John a bad person. He's clearly struggling with probably a multitude of mental disorders and mental health issues, which means a lot of what he thinks and acts is out of his control - and his heart's in the right place. So far (I think I'm up to EP 4 in The Enemy Within) I haven't actually seen him murder, beat up or torture anyone on screen (except those guys who were bullying Bruce in Arkham back in S1.) So he could just be a bystander for now. I don't think he's a terrible person for being victim to mental illnesses. Like what Joker said in Joker 2019, "the worst thing about having a mental illness is that people expect you to behave... as if you don't."

Also, it hurt when John just left Bruce to die in the cryo capsule. Like really, man? You're just going to say a few words of persuasion to Harley and walk away?

I don't know. I know Bruce cares about John as a friend, clearly through his actions, but...

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS OPTION??

SLAP HIM??? WHAT THE HELL MATE. The RANGE in these answers.

Where's the option to comfort him? He just got his heart crushed and his worldview flipped - by both bruce and harley.

My heart just absolutely broke when John said he actually thought Bruce was coming up to check on him.

I liked how Batman didn't batarang John during the SANCTUM fight, though. He still thinks John is redeemable and considers him a friend. So Bruce definitely cares about him, even though he's visibly.... put off by John a lot of the time. (Just watch his facial expressions. It's usually either weirded out or amused or maybe that's just me?)

It's sad that John has to suppress who he is to please either Bruce or Harley. The Joker's whole thing is that he's an anarchist and rejects the boxes society tries to put him in. And, John being 'himself' before he met either Harley or Bruce - way back in Arkham (he mentioned he met Harley in Arkham, but back then he was more in control, and I'm not sure if he'd met her yet when Bruce met him.) was still loving violence. People change, as Bruce believes, but can John really change to be a 'better person' or is he just suppressing his true desires? Being a 'good person' probably isn't even healthy for him. Idk, I haven't finished the game yet but I know generally how it ends from spoilers.

[444meat]

this post is a bit long but please read it if you do not have a sleep disorder, more specifically if you don't have a circadian rhythm disorder, i need y'all to understand something

i never thought i would have to write this, but yes, sleep disorders can be incredibly disabling. my sleep disorder is a disability.

i had to drop out of highschool as soon as i was legally able to do so. i had health issues my entire life, both physical and mental, but the brunt of my physical health issues started when i was fourteen. i had to repeat grades and certain classes due to frequent absences. by the time i was sixteen, i could not attend school without a manual wheelchair. as a young adult now, i can't leave my house without a powerchair if i'll be expected to walk more than five minutes, and even then, it's much better for me to just use one unless it's totally impossible. on top of that, i experience flu-like symptoms that make leaving my house extraordinarily difficult. by the time i dropped out, these symptoms were disabling enough to keep me home, though they were not as bad as they are now.

i bring this up to point out that i am otherwise physically disabled, and to carry on to say that these symptoms were not the driving factor to me dropping out. living in a major city, there is a significant chance that i could have found a school to attend which could accommodate me. it would not be easy and i would still have a much harder time than other students, but it would be an avenue worth exploring. i would be able to try it. considering my financial situation, i would have been able to afford a private school. i could do online schooling. there were options.

because of my sleep disorder, we literally could not even look.

my waking hours vary wildly from day to day. sometimes for weeks at a time i will wake up after sunset and fall asleep after the sun has risen. i've had weeks where my sleep schedule more closely resembled friends i had made on the other side of the world than people i knew in person. even then, i cannot properly adjust to being awake at night, because there are also times when i'm awake on a seemingly normal schedule.

i briefly attended an asynchronous online school before dropping out. it was the best one i could access. it was awful. the lessons were bad, the teachers were bad, the work was bad... not even only in quality. there was a lot of ableism and other bigotries that demoralised me. because i couldn't attend the virtual classes due to my sleep schedule, i also fell behind academically, and because of my other health issues, i didn't have the energy to catch up.

making doctors appointments is terrifying because i never know what my sleep schedule will be like when the time comes. most doctors in my area are extremely booked. i've missed a rheumatology appointment and had to reschedule for six months in the future, and because i had to stop taking my pain meds from GI side effects and my allergy meds stopped working, i had to go without any medication that entire time. i physically cannot force myself to wake up without getting enough sleep because my body is fragile and i will start experiencing severe & unbearable symptoms of my other disorders. these cannot be pushed through. i cannot even try.

the "best doctor" for circadian rhythm issues in my area — a major city, might i remind you — only takes patients during early morning hours. this is not a joke. despite the most common circadian rhythm disorder causing people to wake up late and fall asleep late, the guy who is the "best" for treating them doesn't see people after 11 am. it is easier for me to maintain a 'wake up at 3pm, fall asleep at 6am' schedule than a 'wake up at 3am, fall asleep at 6pm' schedule. i cannot see this doctor. when i briefly managed one appointment with his secretary, she just told me to set an alarm and fall asleep at the same time every day. that was all of her advice. like i have not tried that.

as far as i'm aware, there is a single medicine approved to treat the condition i have. last time i checked, it costs something like three thousand US dollars a month. 6 times as much as my old heart meds, which were already very difficult to get covered, even with really good health insurance. the meds supposedly take months to even start working.

i had a delayed sleep wake rhythm my entire life and ran on very little sleep to get to school, to the point that i started uncontrollably falling asleep at school after my health issues started and necessitated more energy than my body had. my sleep cycle started moving forwards as it does now when i was sixteen. before i stopped attending, i would frequently attend school on 0 hours of sleep, get home, and fall asleep immediately.

the world is not built for people with circadian rhythm disorders. my sleep disorder makes functioning on a normative level impossible.

i NEED people without sleep disorders to stop treating this like it's some funky and low stakes thing to deal with. i am so tired of having people tell me they 'wish they could be nocturnal' or that they 'love staying up all night' when i tell them about my sleep disorder. you DO NOT want this, and this is VERY DIFFERENT from occasionally staying up late for fun. yes, being awake during nighttime hours can be freeing. it stops being freeing when you have no choice on the matter, have to be socially isolated for weeks on end, cannot reliably schedule doctors appointments, cannot attend school or work any job with specific hours, cannot maintain an eating schedule or a schedule for taking medication because you're never awake at normal times, etc etc etc.

and it's not as simple as taking melatonin. when i take melatonin it stops working after two uses and the times it does work i get at most 3 hours of non-restorative sleep and my sleep schedule either goes back to what it was before the next day or gets significantly worse much faster than it normally would. it's not as simple as not using screens. i've been in settings without screens for months and still had it happen. i've lied down for 8 hours trying to sleep and failed. there is no easy fix. this is how my body works.

yes it's a disability. no you don't want it. it's not a quirky character trait. think before you speak please.

a note: this is not intended to state that being otherwise disabled is not also a valid or genuine reason for dropping out of school. there's a good chance i would've had to drop out anyways, and i can't attend school now with how my symptoms have progressed, regardless of the sleep schedule. i wanted to illustrate how the combination of a sleep disorder and other chronic illness makes my life significantly more difficult and how it reduces my access to accommodations and care.