#idfk man it feels off to me
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honestly not sure how therapy went today (therapy+psych appointment) i talked abt the diagnosis thing and asked for clarification and it seemed like she didn't wanna specify or maybe she will after she reads the records again
#idek which doctor talked considered the diagnosis#and well now at least she knows i would rather want to know#but i felt like she was kinda vague idk#maybe i am paranoid sglöspj#still don't know which personality disorder they were considering#but it is a sure thing that they'd have to do a thorough interview and tests before any more specific diagnosis#but still she said that psychiatrists often don't mention the working diagnoses until they day hey let's do some tests#which is supposed to be in order to not burden the patient????#like... it's not cancer tho#wdym it's a burden?????#to me it's a burder not knowing why im like this#if people are different then why ks the default to not talk about it??#idfk man it feels off to me
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kripke's just jealous i put homelander in a loving healthy relationship with my trans man oc and can't cope
#sehtoast rambles#homelander#the boys spoilers#homelander x oc#i'm sorry you can't convince me this man believes half the shit he says to his base. demos. and politicians he's trying to sway#that 'transgender illegals' line shit was clearly a half grab in the way that works best on the mindless right wingers he usually appeals t#when it blew up in his face bc it's just bait. he didn't know what to do. bc he barely has the conviction to espouse that shit anyway#same as the fuckin nonbinary line he did in the early eps#like first of all you can't convince me he has the wherewithal to actually know what those terms mean beyond being zingers to rile people u#second. i think kripke just has a hard on for reminding his marginalized viewers that people hate them irl#and continues jerking himself off by thinking he's super clever w the ham fisted trump allegories that are just.... not even good#the only character that says this shit that i actually believe they believe their shit even partially is firecracker#and don't even get me started on how i feel about her ass#i'll probably add more ranting in the tags here soon#idfk
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affirmation for today:
i am so normal and cool about everything
#hahahaaa#im so SCARED ABT THIS NEXT DEEP DIVE#im off the RAILS#i have a PUPPET#i cant shUT THE FUCK UP ABT THIS ONE MAN LMFAOOOO PLEASE STOP#LEAVE KERMIT ALONE ENOUGH FAVORITISM PLEASE#ur gonna scare himmm#iM SO PASSIONATE ABT ALL OF THIS THO AND I HAVE SUCH AN ADMIRATION FOR ALL THESE PPL#i scream and yell#and i have a puppettt#howd i end up w a puppetttttt#please i hope u dont think shes stupid#she is but like thats not her faultttt#im actually p proud of her and i think its kinda entertaining so#i hope u feel the same#its p quick and i try to make it seem like shes actually having a convo w me and its like casual in a way i hope ??? idfk#i wanna make this feel like a sleepover where ur hitting the loopy point of the night
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"why is angry Bob sandwich icon posting so much Dungeon Meshi content" bc I'm weirdly attracted to every single character in the show. for no reason. Laios. Marcille. Chilchuck. Senshi. Falin. Kabru. Namari. Shuro. etc. there's something about them. help me.
#laios being a monster fucker is so MOOD i love how normie he looks and how WEIRD he is. absolutely obsessed.#sorry monster feaster. whatever 🙄 we'd get along i think#marcille is cute and funny and sensible and also gay#chilchuck idfk im obsessed with every short pissed off old man who looks like he exists in a bubble but actually he got a wife and kids#falin is just pretty and also A CHIMERA?!??!?! i need to meet her rn#everyone says kabru is a little shit. i love that. also brown#SENSHI??? dude loves food. thats it. also he is cute to me. crazie ab him#more animes need to have weird women i feel like im failing as a lesbian and it's THIS SHOWS FAULT#anyway i rest my case. bye#dungeon meshi#pipe down moppet
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i wish that I was a girl. I wish I wasn’t so unhappy with myself. I wish I could be happy and fine and make myself look beautiful in my gender assigned to me at birth. I wish people didn’t view me as undesirable. I wish I didn’t have to transition to pass in order to actually be seen as somewhat attractive. I wish that even then people still would find me desirable. I wish I was skinny. I wish that I didn’t feel like my youth was wasted away. I wish I didn’t feel like I am falling behind in life. I wish I didn’t feel like the people around me were leaving me behind
#vent post#cw vent#personal vent#been thinking lately#been lonely lately#literally feel like i have no friends#i have no one to talk to except my mom and maybe a coworker#all my friends are going off and getting with their partners and doing things i want to have and experience so bad yet i’m stuck being left#behind as they seem to be too busy for me now#idfk#and of course i’m a trans man who has barely transitioned and i hate feeling like i HAVE to do something in order to even be perceived as da#datable. that is until they learn i’m trans and have a vagina and then all of a sudden i’m undesirable again.#i feel stuck#i’m tired#i’m lonely#i’m trying sometimes but it’s just so much#how is it so easy for others yet i’m stuck feeling unwanted and forgotten#anyways
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doing things outside of your usual is such a humbling experience...
#lizzy speaks#to those who are curious what prompted this: my friend and i are collaborating on a video essay together#we picked it back up a week and a half ago after it laid in limbo for a month or two#and we're currently in the phase of editing it together (scripting + recording the VO is done)#and MAN. my respect for people who work on scripted/informative content just shot up through the ROOF#most of my experience with editing comes from footage first and then edit down approach (rather than creating/gathering visuals to uplift-#a written script) and it's. well. they engage with very different skillsets i think#my friend who i am collaborating with is very amused at me because this is not her first rodeo. meanwhile me as a first-timer.#i am telling her about how i am losing my mind over my editing timeline having gaps of footage because i couldn't think of anything to put#for certain portions (or i just didnt feel like looking through preexisting footage on the internet and dl-ing it)#and she compared it to 'telling a kid whos going thru puberty that its normal' EKLHFGLHH#im ngl the way i have spent like maybe 10 hours today off and on looking up footage and fact checking the splat artbook is so. explodes#it makes sifting through an 11 hour batch of footage of me playing big run sound like a cakewalk in comparison LMAOO#anyway if you read this far thank you :D i hope that in 2024 i can continue to be humbled in trying new things#and i highly encourage others 2 do so too! try a new method of approaching something or do smthn slightly adjacent to what you do!#tis a good learning experience and also makes u very appreciative of the things that are out there methinks#im literally only editing an 11 minute segment or so idfk how people make those 1+ hr video essays LIKE HELLO??? ESP IF ITS LICENSED MEDIA#HOW DO U GET ALL THE FOOTAGE FOR THAT. U MUST BE REALLY HYPERFIXATED AND DEDICATED TO THAT. DAMN. anyway. have a good 2023 everyone!
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can someone help me understand the concept of a “socmed au”? Is it…..fanfiction written in the form of…..fake social media posts? So basically the tiktok of feature length films?
#I thought for the longest time it was an au in like med school or social sciences or idfk I didn’t fully think it through my brain just#lept to some dumb assumption#am I an old man yells at sky if I say that it bums me out to think of fic becoming reduced to tweets#feels dystopian in the short attention span way that has been alarming me tremendously lately#and is just so alien. like those books written in 2006 that were in only text speak#do the characters only engage via fake social media posts?#is character building done through a single tweet at the beginning of the thread that just like info dumps?#when did this take off? I only started noticing them recently#someone explain plz#me yapping#phandom
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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Fuuuck I wish I did more than draw and play games I am so fucking. Yeah I need that sleep.
#ramblings#i was gonna make sides for dinner but idfk anymore man i am not having a fun afternoon LOL#talking with my brother helped but im tired so i know everything i try to do on my own is gonna piss me off so im not even gonna bother#tried playing fnf for like 3 mins and had to quit out its Bad#ill be fine of course ^_^ just irritated at how things are in the head tonight#might write i think thats abt all ill be able to do#might end up making pico extra moody but whatever its not like this was a fluff fic#(its not angst either i feel i should clarify that he is not getting put through the wringer tonight)
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ive spent like 20 minutes trying to world this eloquently but i give up; im a big fan of linebeck just. not being capable of watching over kids not the person to be the guardian of a group of young people he struggles to take care of himself at times and has so much shit going on that it takes about one conversation with oshus for the old man to realize that this guy is. not doing great
#this was gonna be like. a jokey post at first juxtaposing oshus’ expectations vs reality with linebeck but im too emotionally drained#so real linebeck talk in the tags bc idk if ive actually talked much abt like. the specific as on why. iwrite and see him the way i do#likr. off the bat i put him at like 19 in ph and im too fucking tired and just. done rn to justify that like whatever kill me if you wish.#like. hes. been throught a lit hes been abused neglected used ignored hurt ridiculed violated deceived hes so fucking tired#hes worn down over the course of ph it causes him to finally like. express his anguish over what hes been theough its cathartic#hes getting pushed but talking to oshus and being around link loosens him up and he fucking. cries properly yknow#he cries about everything and the last bit of ph hes kind of an emotional wreck but hes finally letting himself feel all that shit#he cries he struggles to articulate himself he has a violent public meltdown as he becomes fed up with his reputation#and it all culminates in bellumbeck just. being a really raw examination of what hes been through and how he feels and what to do now#he hates people he has people he wants to kill people he wanted to kill but after bellumbeck its just. hes tired. hes processed everythjng#and then he needs the post ph crew and everyone they meet along the way to just. be a fucking support system for the first time ever#like post ph hes rhe captain he runs the ship he keeps everyone in line he can do that. but hes softer more vulnerable more self doubting#hes kinder and more hesitant but trying new things and being more openly passionate abt his interests#and he keeps working through his trauma he finds out what else it causes problems for and everyone. supports him#hes not capable of like. being any kind of parental figure to link in ph his perspective on like. how to handle kids is fucked#because his perspective on what a normal childhood should look like is kind of a mess#his perspective on relationships is murky on love on adventure on self expression but post ph hes just. free. tired but free#he manages to take naps the group helps him eat properly he learns his physical boundaries and actually does what he loves#idk. im just. man idk. its still measy but like. my version of linebeck is. i really hate the idea that its so out of character its not him#like. idfk what to even say abt that. idfk what ‘in character’ looks like when you hc a character to be masking in canon#when you hc them to be lying and covering things up and just. subdued bc theyre working on stuff#that they lie and exaggerate their own traits on purpose but let the truth through some cracks like what rhe fuck then#i hate it bc i dont see anyone else think of linebeck anything like this so im scared im fucking wrong somehow#im tired. i recently learned that one of my cats has been burrowing under and chilling under a blanket we cover a couch with#its very cute
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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
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NPD BPD combo will make you feel like a starving wild circus animal every time you remember other people exist
#ok to rb#vent tw#it's like. we have a member who has NPD proper as cohost now#so our BPD and NPD symptoms have been combined into one worse thing#and it's baby's first Real Narc Crash and Ive been having RSD inflicted panic attacks every day#and I'm getting really fucking exhausted so the point where Im thinking stuff like 'I wish I could kms rn but that'd be too shitty and I#know this shit has to get better eventually because it has before so Im just#trying to relax#and in this case it's not like I have imo a compelling reason like my friends are all paying a proportionate amount of attention to me#to the energy for friends they have to give like I'm not being NEGLECTED#but I am so attention starved it's actually insane#and if it were just that itd be fine but I'm pmsing and Ive been losing sleep#from a mix of medical issues and exotraumatic nightmares#so I'm just. I'm absolutely Fucking Miserable#and its nobodies fault so instead of getting pissed off at someone Im just pissed off at everyone and no one at the same time#I just want to feel special again but its like. even if I DID feel comfortable asking for more attention#1. It wouldn't feel genuine and nothing my friends could easily do would stop it from not feeling genuine#2. I've been cluster B long enough to know that this stuff has to sort itself out naturally#asking for vallidation can be good at the right times but when I'm wanting to rely on it most thats when I need to find something else#but genuinely IDFK anymore man like I'm too tired to do shit I feel like all of my energy this month has been#STOPPING myself from doing stuff so when I try and think about what I actually Want To Do I feel so obstructed and exhausted I feel like#there's nothing fulfilling rn bc my stupid ass brain is like why find joy in anything if everyone hates you and you don't matter#(<- literally no one in my life has even implied this but. that's just how mental illness goes sometimes)#I just need to hang on until this narc crash is over and my friend groups aren't in the middle of like#2 million different things we're all struggling with stopping us from hanging out very much#I do think this happens every winter though#Ironically I love the winter weather and the rain and cold and gray (idk if I have SAD but if I do it's for the summer)#but I never enjoy the season like I want to because it's the most busy time of year so everyone is stressed out and doesn't have much time#to vibe like I want to so I end up just feeling pretty miserable until the slow time of year when people can relax more#It's usually like
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Fucking...
Oof.
#im dying at these reactions#these theories#it looks all... very... 'wrong puzzle piece'- ish to me#im dying they really said STRIP THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER WE'RE REBUILDING IT FROM THE GROUND UP#oh bud. oh hon#that's rough buddy (im trying really hard not to make a joke here. biting my tongue so fucking hard-)#on one hand yay eddie go getcho kid and work on that#even though it kinda stands in complete...opposition to last episode but then again do any of the episodes this season actually go together#dont get me started on the whole timeline thing Im just-#what is actually going on this season?#they really do be directing all and any resources to the spin-off#like where-what are these actual storylines my guy?#does anyone actually know anymore?#also question; why does the hot shots storyline have more weight than literally any other?#gerrard storyline? resolved after like two episodes#ortiz ordeal dealt with in one half of an episode#these were supposed to be decently big storylines no?#i mean the only storyline that kind of has decent pacing is Eddie and Chris? but even now it feels a bit rushed?#idfk anymore man#idk#im not even mad about the bucktommy thing anymore Im just kind of...sitting here with major whiplash#cause I really dont know where we're going anymore.#this is the consequence of having a really good last season and dropping the ball the next.#oh god it's house md all over again.#how much you wanna bet the 'new' person they bring in is Lucy#my only evidence being that one interview where Oliver was like#'Yeah i really wanna see buck explore these queer spaces maybe with someone like Lucy'#like okay sure gimme fucking Lucy back but thats so off base because Arielle Kebbel was/is shooting the other Hawaiian rescue show#so.#it really does feel like a strip down of the show possibly to rebuild possibly to just gut it so the spin-off does well
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Think i am just going to say i like obese men instead of fat guys because im sick and tired of people going "i love fat men too!!!! Hashtag biggie lover!" and then its a muscular man with a gut or a character whos just normal weight or a character whos bodytype isnt specific and just mentions liking food.
#pessi.txt#idfk anymore man it pisses me off#seen so many places and people say bear just means hairy man not fat hairy man and im tired of it#honestly at this point theres like. only one option for saying what i mean and theres so much stigma around it and it pains me greatly.#lgbt#idfk tagging in case theres other gay men who feel the same way
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I'm back at it again, unfortunately
#jay jabbers#why does she always have to tell me his girlfriend looks like me. WHY#ive never seen her or met her but apparently EVERYONE thinks she looks like me and is some kind of substitute for me#TRUTH BE TOLD im right fucking here!!!!!!#yes I'm obsessed with him yes im in love with him#yes i know he doesnt like me back yes it is shattering me from the inside out yes i can feel myself slowly dying#yes i am aware that finding out he has a girlfriend was the beginning of a downward spiral over the summer that led me to be more depressed#than ive been in a Fucking While#i know we would never work i know we're too different but i would so desperately want us to work if it ever came to that#but i know it would never fucking happen#but#theres so much that SHE has fhat i dont#im disabled shes not im ugly shes not im fucking crippled for life shes not#im depressed anxious ocd shes not#shes skinny im not#were both from mexico apparently we fucking look alike byt shes smart and she doesnt have the fucking range of issues i have#ive told him far too much about whats wrong with me which. is another reason we could never work#she probably doesn't have anything wrong with her and if she does then shes never told him like i have#and of course the big one i give off a distinct air of queerness and most people think im a lesbian#i want to transition and get top surgery and a hysterectomy and be a handsome man named jared#i want a fucking beard and short hair and to be me and GAY!!!!!#meanwhile shes a fucken girl and he would never go for fucking some half baked wanna be fag#idfk. im tired and i like him and he doesnt like me back and i dont wsnt to be reminded of it#jay rambles
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augh I wish I could sell my shit bc it's looking more and more like I'm gonna need a financial solution to this ongoing bullshit problem with the internet. I swear to fucking god.
#comms are always open and *nobody fuckin buys anything where the hell am I supposed to advertise this shit*#ofc maybe it's bc I regularly complain about this problem that nobody buys anything. punishing me for complaining about nobody#buying anything by nobody buying anything for some reason. idfk. I don't get it either but I'm 90% certain that I piss people off doing thi#whatever man it's MY blog I gotta right to complain on posts I set to be unrebloggable#blogs are quite literally meant to be like diaries. it's only by happenstance that tumblr mutated into what it did#man what's even worse is that I really wanna draw while listening to videos; and not just on my limited supply of paper either#but for SOME REASON this regularly causes the internet to shit its pants if I even THINK about trying it#there's no way in hell I'd be able to manage smth like Pony Town or LoE either even tho I really wanna play the latter#waiting for that game to update itself on this shittacular connection would be fucking miserable#also my guy is still stuck in an underwater cave bc I kind of stopped playing before those were fixed to have loot#so I just. got stuck on my own devices. I don't feel like playing any of my other ponies either
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