#idfk. im tired and i like him and he doesnt like me back and i dont wsnt to be reminded of it

[king-sassy08]

I'm back at it again, unfortunately

[fandomxo00]

tis the damn season pt.4

so this song is after she talks about the trial beginning thinking it was an open shut case, she tells joe no to wanting to get married and she leaves him, things are no longer perfect and she even talks about how she doesn't like the way that he makes her feel in gold rush

i would like to mention the parallel to champagne problems how she talks about her friends moving on from the situation and how they deck the halls they we once walked through to this song about the cold holiday season, she talks about at the end of champagne problems about how even joe moves on from this

so she starts the song saying she doesn't want to know what he's been up to because its painful for her, so instead of her wanting him to move on she is now a bit more resentful

there's a coldness with contrasts with a song like daylight or the summer in lover, and now they are in the winter of their relationship??? ok wait wait

summer - lover and rep

winter - midnights, folklore, evermore? idfk im guessing

she mentions giving him this pain that she fills with, "theres an ache in you put their by the ache in me."

but she has no urge to fix this, "but if its all the same to you, its the same to me."

so maybe they arent in a relationship but they are still seeing each other, "so we could call it even," finally coming to common ground saying they both hurt each other so now its okay if he "you could call me babe for the weekend"

but shes not staying with him, she's staying with her parents and she is starting to regret her decision, "and the road not taken looks real good now." which can parallel to midnight rain when she talks about, "so i peer through a window, a deep portal time travel all the love we unravel, and the life i gave away." she even talks about mourning this in midnights---bigger than the whole sky could be about a lot of things but how i interpret it, is she is mourning about the life she didnt have because she made the decision to say no, but that life or the idea of that life meant a lot to her especially as she time to reflect from evermore to midnights

"you can run but only so far, i escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave" but then again she says, "but if its okay with you its okay with me." and i even want to say that maybe they were like hooking up again and reflecting on their past relationship, "and ill be yours for the weekend" when its not supposed to be that deep but if hes okay talking about all of this and doing this then i dont care because i get to be with him again after i messed up. i even wanna say that with the next verse she talks about how things were messy, time files, messy as the mud on your truck tires." because she missed him and wants him to hear her out, "now im missing your smile hear me our, we could just ride around." and she mentions again how the road not taken looks real good now---

"i wont ask you wait if you dont ask me to stay." saying he doesnt have to wait around for her to make up her mind if he doesnt want her around so shell move on with her life but the way she sings it is almost like that thought is bitter to her, "so ill go back to La and the so called friends who'll write books about me if i ever make it," and then sadly thinking about joe, "and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles im faking."

but then she does blame herself, "and the heart is know im breaking is my own," to leaving, "the warmest bed i'd ever know."

[obsessed-yan]

a little vent ׂׂׂׂૢ་༘࿐

my "friend" (using quotes cuz honestly idk if i rlly consider him a friend anymore cuz of this coupled w past stuff thats happened) is being a total pos whiney asshole

what happened was, last week i noticed my debit card had transactions on it that i knew for a fact i didnt make. i contacted some1 from my bank to dispute the charges to get my money back; guy walked me thru it n i cancelled my card. few days later i seen a small amount refunded but knew it wasnt the full amount. friend n i had plans to go to target friday n maybe get smthn to eat, well bc of the stuff w my card i decided i just wanted to go into the bank n talk w someone irl so since i was off work early i asked if we cld go there first n hopefully get everything settled (he said ofc n i did for the most part, the charges started all the way back in april of 2023 which is wild to me that i didnt notice it until last week- i got part of my money back right away so thats good). after that we went to eat then to target (i wanted to go cuz of the cute honeypot i kept seeing on my tiktok fyp also got one ver of jungkooks album n a bts book anyway) i got very frustrated while we were at target so after i paid for my stuff there i was ready to go home.

then the next day at work one of my co-workers asked me how my date went n i said i didnt go on a date..? when i got home i msgd him n asked why said co-worker asked me that; it doesnt help that also that day 2 separate customers asked me abt my ex or made a comment abt how i shldntve broken up w my ex, its been almost 6 months get over it. why do u ppl care so much its none of ur business n also i got yelled at n cussed out by 2 other seperate customers but the date thing happened first n was the main thing that ruined my mood.

he said he thought it was one n asked her for advice. i said it wasnt it was just basically running errands n that i thought ive made it perfectly clear im not n nvr will be interested in him in that way, ever. boundaries were re-established as well that night.

then the next day (sunday) right once i get clocked into work one of my managers pulls me into our accting office to talk w me abt friend bc he called off for his shift n was crying. she knows he likes me n is basically obsessed w me but that i dont like him back n she knows weve been friends n hav talked together for a while now at this point but she asked for all the details that day. i told her as much as i cld b4 i was needed up front. she basically said that he was upset that i was upset abt what happened the night b4 n that he was jealous of one of my other friends n is worried for my safety bc of said other friend. my manager said shes worried abt me to but bc of him n said i shldnt talk to him for a while.

i confronted him abt that (not abt the jealousy of other friend part cuz i honestly forgot abt that bit until just now) he claimed that all he did was call off cuz his stomach hurt n he didnt know why our manager talked to me. he showed me some ss between him n the co-worker that asked me abt friday n i said i wasnt mad abt her knowing i was mad cuz she called it a date cuz u told her it was one when it wasnt n that i was also mad from our manager talking to me abt him. i told him not to talk to our manager abt what i told him and what did he do, he asks her abt smthn i said. like are u fucking an idiot wtf!?

then he said his plan was to leave me alone "until things die down" THERES NOTHINF THAT NEEDS TO DIE DOWN FUCKING MAN UP N HAV AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION W ME FOR ONCE WHERE U DONT TRY TO LIE OR PUT BLAME ON SOMEONE ELSE FOR SHIT U OBVIOUSLY DID and stop talking to other ppl abt me its weird!!!

im sick n tired of whenever smthn happens w him i get asked abt it like what happened w him, idfk n frankly idc

i am so fucking done w him n his bs. he can try to make me feel bad or get pity from me all he wants but im seriously just so over all this bullshit. im not talking to him anymore fuck u. last time he stopped talking to ME cuz of how much i liked 🍫 n i wld talk w him abt it cuz i didnt hav any1 else to, plus we were friends i thought it was ok. but he said i was "unsafe" for him to talk to. i told my manager abt that.

its just like, when were talking before like the first time, he did basically the same shit when my friends wld point out bad things hed say or do n he wld deflect then default to being a crybaby abt it. like ur in ur l8 20's at best, learn how to take responsibility for ur actions man!! like are u joking w me rn

think ill hav to cut it short for rn, im getting tired n cant think str8 lmao

[dreamersville]

songs i would sing to people in bnha

an? yes i know this was posted on another blog. that was me !! i moved it from my nsfw to my sfw blog. request are open

pairings? too fucking many

tw? none.

sero- SO INTO YOU-SWV, this man is so fucking fine and i don't think nobody tells him enough, so imma do it my damn self, and he feel like he doesn't look good enough to be with you

kirishima -I WANT HER -KEITH SWEET, cause we would take turns singing to back to each other and to show that no he did not get boring and you still love him like when y'all first got together

denki- PIECE OF MY LOVE -GUY, idk i just wanna sing this to him so he knows no matter what i would have some love for waiting for him

bakugou - LOVE -KEYSHIA COLE, hes insecure doesnt think hes loving you right so sing this to him so he knows that he loving you right

izuku - ALWAYS ON TIME -JA RULE + ASHANTI, you know he trying to be there for you but being the number one hero is kinda hard, sing this to him to show that you feel like his number one person

iida- LOVE ON TOP -BEYONCÉ, he feels like he doesnt care for you as he should while hes trying to uphold to the iida name, sing this to him so he knows you appreciate him and that you for sure know that you are his top project

shinsou- EVERY LITTLE STEP -BOBBY BROWN, imma sing this to him because imma support him though all the steps of him trying to reach his dream and he needs to know that

aizawa -BUY YOU A DRINK - T-PAIN + YUNG JOC, you sing this because you so happen to meet him at a bar and it reminds you of him and because he learn yung joc part to sing with you

shoto -WEAK -SWV, idfk you would sing this to him just because you can he would either be confused or really flustered, might join in if you play it around him enough

keigo -IM REAL -JENNIFER LOPEZ + JA RULE, he feels as though he doesn't deserve you and that one day he's gonna come home and your gonna be gone, so sing this to him to show him that w real and here to stay

shoji -UNTHINKABLE (IM READY) -ALICIA KEYS, you could be 7 years deep into your relationship and he would still get all shy when you sing this to him, wasnt really expecting to get a s/o so he's grateful for you

mina -POISON -BELL BIV DEVOE, you have a whole ass routine together, you and mina?? on this song?? immaculate. doesnt care you cant sing/dance you're gonna preform with mina and she doesn't care!! shes hyping you up the whole time

momo -WHEN I SEE YOU-FANTASIA, it is canon she doesn't think highly of herself so imma sing this shit because baby needs to know she looks good asf !!

fatgum -CANDY -CAMEO, just cause he need sweets and food for his quirk and he would get so flustered 😩, i live for it

mirio -MY BOO- USHER, i would do it to tease and love on him because he my mother fucking boo!!!

amajiki -REFILL-ELLE VARNER, i would sing this all out of key and everything just to show him i could never get tired of the way he loves me

taglist: open send me an ask or message to join

[wozwaid]

FRIENDSHIP HEADCANONS FOR  UNDERRATED GENSHIN CHARACTERS

that wasnt a lot to type and somehow im already tired 

i chose characters based off of how often their character is used. 

lets get it 

my genshin discord server: https://discord.gg/FDV5az3KUN

XINYAN

i do not see enough xinyan mains.

- you should bring a voice recorder wherever you go because shes gonna be humming a tune, forget it, and then ask you if you remembered it cuz it was so catchy

- just some advice!

- she has your back NO MATTER WHAT. 

- xinyan doesnt have many friends in liyue (besides xingqiu and xiangling cuz we stan unproblematic icons) because her loud and intense personality comes off as intimidating 

PUSSIES. 

*ahem*

- so considering the fact that you reached out to talk to her after one of her shows (which isnt done often), she immediately knew that you someone she should keep around

- whether you’re timid or not, xinyan will always bring the impulsive nature out of you, no matter how little it might be.

- emotional support wise, she probably isnt the best person to go to. its not that shes bad at helping. actually shes amazing at it! THE ISSUE IS THAT ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE SAD AROUND HER

- if you want to cry, DO NOT BE AROUND XINYAN. YOU WILL ONLY GET GOOD VIBES AND THE SADNESS WILL DISAPPEAR 

basically, if you arent xinyan, do better.

NINGGUANG

ok i havent seen ANY ningguang mains 

- platonic sugar mommy ™

- i feel like she looks for people to spoil

- so if ur her friend ur either broke, very frugal, or both.

im broke bc of kazuha and xiao so COME GET ME MAMAS!

- you know those make over scenes in high school romance movies? thats basically you and ningguang 25/8

- you usually hung out in the jade chamber rip lol

- she thinks money solves problems and i have a general headcanon that because of how rich she is, shes forgotten how to properly interact with people.

- actually not properly, shes VERY proper. i mean normally

- she doesnt talk down to them, she just kinda... stands there staring until something happens

- you’ve gotta be talkative to hang out with ningguang. shes social, just not when its necessary if you feel me

overall, 8/10 on the friendship scale shes scary sometimes but its ok she means well

ALBEDO

albedo is a very popular character, but i dont see many people that main him sooo

- ur his little “lab rat”

*war flashbacks to that one fanfic AOJEIFGEARFOPDS* 

no this is supposed to be wholesome  s t o p

- he doesnt test anything out on you that is potentially dangerous, at least what HE considers to be potentially dangerous

- for the sake of this headcanon, lets say that you dont have a vision

- he doesnt understand what its like to be human and suffer that shit (yk cuz hes clay or chalk or something idfk its late i cant think rn)

- so he’ll just have you eat poison or something and see how you’ll react to it

- you wont die bc he didnt die! great logic albedo!

- hes not dumb... ok hes a genius but he gets confused sometimes

pobodys nerfect am i right god i hate myself

- ok but on VERY RARE OCCASIONS he treats you like klee

- your age difference doesnt matter

- hes always on babysitting duty so hes just kinda used to it

- you WILL get put in a time out

overall friendship score: 5/10 youre either about to be murdered or arent going to get a cookie after lunch. i cant decide which is worse 

[trauma-genic]

alright so guy-interest and his ex(idfk?) called me at 12:50am over a petty fight, bitchass got mad at how one of us talks (kyle calls everyone homie, bro, my guy, ect.) so he just fucking misgenders us and holy fuck we legit got so fucking angry someone threatened to castrate bitchass (which we 100% would do still) and he goes for the even lower hanging fruit that 'you dont even have a dick, you pussy' which immediately kyle claps back w 'and somehow my dick still bigger than yours 🤔' and to try me bc we legit have almost been killed, nothing fucking fazes us anymore.

im just pissed because now its 2:30am almost and we are all still filled with rage because they call us for our opinion and bitchass doesnt even fucking listen, he just kept going 'thats what i was trying to say' which.... was it? what exactly were you trying to say when you gave him back the engagement ring (that bitchass pushed D into doing sooner than he was ready) every time they have a petty fight over something stupid that Bitchass started. and also holy fuck you CANT expect your partner to put out for you a certain amount of times every week. sex is only a small part of the relationship, but every time when asked about what hes going to be working on is "overcoming his sex-drive" to which i say stfu and go fucking masturbate. your partner is NOT a living sex doll, you both must be in the mood, both must be active participants and communicating with each other. sex is a deep and intimate physical connection and even if some people are more open with it, in our mind, you only really sleep with someone you can trust, someone you would give your life for, someone you hope you can love and they dont end up hurting you instead.

we desperately wanted to be that for someone for so long that i think we dont genuinely need it anymore. we had become empty and hollow for so long, but then D is here again. and for some stupid fucking reason my chest feels hot and my heart pounds when i think of him. and my body reacts in ways it hasnt in years, and i really do want this but i will be the rebound again, like always. do i actually like him or am i just liking that someone is paying attention to us again for the first time in so long.

i want to be someones first choice for once and even still, he wont pick me. and thats ok, we already told him that we are used to this and that if he chooses to eventually go back, as long as hes happy we would be happy. because thats what friends are for, to be there for each other and be happy when a relationship works out. not saying we wouldnt want to be in a relationship, but being used to be second best, who knows if he will actually want to be with me/us bc we have told him about my brain.

anyways goodnight we are fucking tired

[notjesusbutcloseenough]

TIME TO RANT, MY FAITHFUL WHORES ~~screming into the void time~~

I have been having a dumb crush on this boy for about 2 years now i think. I tried to avoid thinking about it or acknowledging it all this time, i havent told a single soul about it up until like a few weeks ago. And with just shuting up about it i thought it was going away slowly but surely, but now that ive told my friend the reasons why i like this guy i just reminded myself just how MUCH like him. We talked like 3 or 4 times this whole summer and for now i just want to see him , i want to see if this whole summer i have been idolizing the good parts of him and just minimizing the bad parts? The scariest fucking thing is that he seems like he likes me back, THAT is fucking SCARY for some reason. I mean, he has always been so nice and kind to me, reassuring me when classmates where bullying me back when i was way more fat than i am now, telling me that im an ok person and that i should pay attention to their bullshit. I was so close to confesing that i like him for the past few days, i even wrote a long letter-thing in my fucking notes app why i like him, and that im not pressuring him to respond to anything and asking him to just pretend like nothing happened if he doesnt have any feelongs about me. Ignoring my whole confession is the respons that im waiting for, BUT what IF he likes me, what do i do then? Why would he like me, first and foremost? And another layer of awkward, and the reason why i dont think he doesnt like me is that he had like this HUGE crush on thiis girl in our class, i remember so distinctly that i went up to him after a geography test to ask him about what he did and all that, he blew me off saying that he was to tired to talk about it, but then this girl, who i am like idk pretty ok friends with came up to me to ask me about one question from a test he SUDDENLY sprung the fuck up, SUDDENLY wanting to talk and i was just crushed weirdly, and he kept paying attention to her even when he was talking to someone else and she was just passing by. I was at this point still denying that i had a crush on him but from that point on i kept getting more and more jealous. I would talk to him about her, jokingly, liKe ThE fRiENdS tHAt wE aRE, and i was just boiling inside from like... saddnes, i mean, shes so small and cute, and just as artsy as him and just as kind and nice as him. And then she got a boyfriend and he suddenly stopped talking to her altogether, ignoring her FULLY, but he said he still has a crush on her... idfk.

This bitch of a wall-punching, anger-crying sweet dumb Gamer Boy™ fucked up my brain big time for some reason. But i mean, if HE said that he liked me what would i do? Would we like..... date? Would that be an option? We always make fun of the other couples in our class and idk... dOeS hE Got a BiG dIcKK? Who knows?

What i do know is that i really like spending time with him, it always seems like we could talk for HOURS and not stop for a second, he understand why i am a fucking emotional mess all the time, he knows of me being bi and is super chill with it, he always protects me from his friend group when they try to make dumb jokes about me, and is overall SO FUCKING SWEET FUCK JESUS FUCK CHRIST 💛🖤💖💛💔💗💕💝💛💝💓💚🖤❣💔💗💙💕💕💝💓💝💓💖💚🖤💓💛💗💔💖💛💗 i like him so so much.

So many people realised that i like him, my mom at first, when she saw that i kept talking about him, then his deskmate(whos a fucking prick and a half, and HATED me when i was fat) and then my friend, the one that knows about this fkin crush, and then MY deskmate, basically, every person whom i talk to knows about it either vaguely or straight up, except for him.

And i know in my heart that even IF IF IF IF IF the fellings were mutal he is too much of a pussy to say anything, amd i am also a pussy. Maybe imma get drunk and tell him, other than that the idea of rejection and losing him as one of the only friends in this god forsaken school hurts me more that just hiding my feelings.

But what if im too fat tho? I mean we have the exact same weight, hes just taller that me, but he looks way skinnier that me you know, and is it shallow of me to think that i rather just conceal my feeling that have him made fun of for dating a fat bitch? I am so insecure about this shit that i would honestly rather die than that to happen. I just hate myself so wildly, during the school year i can loose weight way faster, maybe i should wait a few months, after i lost maybe 6-7 kg at least before i say anything? Maybe that would be wiser of me.

At the same time, he could get a girlfriend anytime, he even got some of those secret admirer letters from a girl that moved from our class to another in the same hs, she is also MUCH MUCH cuter than me in every every way, and also VERY fucking artsy. What if i get a boyfriend or a girlfriend.............. pffffff 😂😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣, as if someone else has a chance of liking me..... the audacity of even THINKING that at this point.

I just.... like him.... a lot.... for some reason.... hes a great friend.... and so sweet....and kind.... and dumb... and a pussy... and so unfunny but he makes me smile more than anyone..... and i hate him... just... ungh.... he also has really pretty eyes.... he like... doesnt talk to a lot of people..... amd once got SUPER mad when some other guy hugged me...... fucking.... yall cant even spell COLLOSAL DUMB ASS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[grimolkin]

h

so! that one lowkey tea filled meme i posted got some responses to go off ig so thats what im gna do. i have negative experience in making structured arguments, so if some of my stupid shit doesnt make sense, im sorry lmao! rant under the cut.

ok. im gna be talking about shiro, adam, and allura, and why i dislike the fandoms response. if you didnt kno already, sdcc showed trailer stuff and revealed on twitter that shiro DID have a significant other named adam, and they broke up before kerberos. im not super informed on this, but the fandom seems to have taken it as uh they were engaged or maybe were bfs and then broke up bc kerberos?? and then shiro has a disease?? idfk man listen. im gonna just be listing some little points but theres ya background lol

1. shiro being gay!

the team told us that shiro did have a significant other, and that his sexuality can be interpreted as bi, gay, whatever. and im so fucking down with that??? ive been w lgbt hcs for most if not all the vld characters, including shiro!! he was always bi in my mind, for allura or matt or whoever just bc chemistry. but this influx of mlm shiro just feels... weird. not saying you cant hc him as gay or whatever, but this one tweet about this one stranger that we’ve literally never heard about once is whats setting it off? i lov lov LOV ,my gay brothers n sisters, but damn if it doesnt feel like bi erasure lol!!!!! im not saying everyone who posts gay shiro is a dirty exclusionist but it really feels like we out here, ignoring that bisexual people exist and are precious n beautiful. idk.

2. allura and girls in general

so. this might be a touchy topic. but i ALWAYS see this shit. boys and mlm couples in general always recieve more attention and love than girls and wlw ships, or just het ships in general. and im not tryna be That Het but jesus christ! i see so many of my fave girls get these years or seasons of development w someone, only to have it overshadowed by one tweet, or one video, or one anything. im really sick and tired of seeing people just go nuts over a pairing that we haven’t really even seen yet, and completely overshadow one thats so well developed and healthy. hhhnhmnh.

3. shallura in general!

as i said before, shallura has gotten seasons of constant development. theres ALWAYS something there for us, and i’d say we’re pretty fuckn lucky!! shallura has parallels with two canon couples in the universe, matching themes, colors, its just really apparent to me that theyre endgame!! or, were- idk where the crew is going with this. but anyway, the introduction of adam, even though the crew has told us theyd been thinking about it for a while, feels so rushed. almost exactly like matts arrival, but worse. yall know how hard shallura has had to fight to be a popular ship? it wasn’t so bad in the beginning, but it still kind of sucked being second to klance. then matt came along, and shatt became a thing, and shallura went under the water yet again. we’ve been pretty steady, but this whole adam thing has just dropped the popularity, and i dont even know why. we know nothing about adam other than his appearance and that he and shiro were a couple. its either this fandom has a PHAT distaste for allura, or just shallura. i dont know, but its jus. annoying. a bunch of the popular shallura blogs are being really gracious and nice about it, but shadam fans seem to be jumping on that opportunity to erase allura and shiros relationship completely and go back to shipping their uwu gaybies!! im willing to give shadam a chance, but im just displeased now because i feel like the fandom is way overreacting. we know nothing about him.

i probably forgot a few things but thats kind of all my opinions. hoo. im heated. hope you enjoyed the rant :ppp

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE THREE

“this was literally one of the worst decisions i've ever had to make so now i'm just kinda pissed off!” - nash

HOH: Nash UPSIDE DOWN: Joey & Saira NOMINEES: Brianna & Gina POV: Jacob FINAL NOMINEES: Emma & Gina EVICTED: Gina (11-1), Jake (WALK)

ARIA

https://youtu.be/SyHPQkbxxw8

JOEY

WATCH THIS AGE LIKE MILK:

I feel great!!!!! Nash winning means my ass aint going up, I gave her 2 tokens, and she gave me 1, and I feel fantastic heading into this week

SAIRA

i feel okay about nash being hoh, she wasn't my first choice but i don't think im in any danger of being nominated (hopefully haha) im not sure who i WOULD want to be nominated, i just know who i wouldn't want, so as long as they're okay i'm good!

JEV

I'm once again feeling pretty good this week. I've grown pretty close to Nash since nominating her in week 1 and she told me and Nathan we aren't going up so, there's that! She's told me Gina is going up and will be her target which I'm not thrilled about but hopefully Gina can pull some miracle and win POV. I'm a little worried about Emma and Jake too, as they've both said they haven't spoken to her much which is dumb, bc like hello??? its week 3, i feel esp with Jake, I can understand Emma bc Nash keeps leaving her on read but I don't think Jake has even tried much (crying emoji) So hopefully they can ALSO pull something out

JAKE

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate everyone in this game t b h. why can't people just follow with a plan and go through with it like it aint that hard to put your chips on one person from your alliance so youre all safe like........ i dont think these ppl understand strategy and it's TIRING. i frankly am over people relying on their friendships to get themselves through another week bc fucking nash won an alliance-based hoh comp. now we have to deal w this fucking friend group running the house another week. i don't know if i'm safe i'm honestly probably going to be put up??? even tho nash is the one that CONSTANTLY ignores my PMs even tho ive given her paragraphs to respond to... she's gonna do whatever her little friends want her to do. i mean that's what she literally said to me. i was like pls don't nom me <3 and she was like "im not making any promises im just doing whatever the house wants me to do" like girl............ lkjghklsdfjhg what kind of dumbass bullshit response was that. just tell me you're putting me up or you're not. youre a big girl you can make your own fucking decisions.

i give nash what i would give any hoh if they won and that is "i'd never ever nominate you it's never even crossed my mind" and hoping that's enough to make her wanna keep me. she might think im not going after her but, if she's smart, she'll send me out the door this week before i can retaliate. 

im super super worried that jacob will be like oh jev n jake aligned in BBHOS9 u should put them up together since jev nominated you week 1. like i feel like she'd do ANYTHING jacob tells her at this point cuz shes just another one of his sheep so like hoping im good w jacob but he's such a wildcard idfk

at this point im just hoping me or emma don't get put up and if we do there will be a veto to be won and a nash/jacob to come after next so...... period

ARIA

yall i feel so fucking cracked and tired of everything but itS FINE!!! I got this easy peasy!! Im not going to always feel motivated but im doing my best and thats valid baby!!! So lets jump in, first off lets start with a random information dump of things i've collected

-jacob has talked about me w/ nicholas during pasio

-monty and jacob have a connection ( i dont even remember how)

-nathan nash (maybe jacob) obviously tight lmao

-joey monty close

-Jake made a counter alliance to Jacob's (actually joshes) alliance made of me gina saira emma and josh

-josh emma me alliance

-JOEY RECORDS CALLS

-Jake is wary of nathan (but also thinks hes cute ugh)

-told jake im wary of pasio peeps so he might nom them

-Jacob alliance STILL isnt created

-called with josh and told him that jacob is wary that the alliance isnt made yet

-jacob josh have a pregame

-told josh, saira and nick have a pregame

-josh kiki close

-josh thinks saira is a social threat 

-josh prefers jev over nathan

-told monty to talk to jake more

-told joshua jacob is the most connected person

-got back to nash gina doesnt like her

-jacob kiki nash confirmed trio alliance

-nash told jev gina is the target (jev then told jake)

-josh thought jacob was the original maker of the alliance

-jake thinks jacob/josh are snakes

-jake also thinks jacob-josh-nash-kiki-bri-nick-nathan are an alliance

-josh wants to play the middle w/ me :uwu:

 So from here I want to get into how my ideal week will go and how it will realistically go. IDEALLY Nash noms jev and josh with them not winning veto and the house gets rid of a utr social threat but realistically its gonne be gina and jake with gina going bc she doesnt talk to anyone of have any motivation for this game (I LITERALLY WROTE HER A PARAGRAPH TO SEND TO NASH TO NOT BE NOMINATED AND SHE GOES "hmm idk maybe ill send it" LIKE????) 

Okay the other thing im freaking out about is bc i feel like theres tension between me Jacob Josh and Jake and im not sure what it is about. I mean i kinda do but im missing key components. The whole situation just doesn't sit right with me at all and I feel very at odds with them in a weird kinda way. I've explained this so many times but i have such a bad feeling that josh leaked the janelle alliance to jacob and is more with him than me and now josh is setting these two sides against each other and i just heard from him that nash isnt nomming him so now im really uncomfy ughhhh i have such a bad feeling and i really need to work on people like jev saira monty to make sure i have people behind me i can fall back on, but also im getting the vibe jake really really trusts me which is great because i want to go far with him as well, unless hes just misting me SUPER hard ughhh

god i just have such a bad feeling about this week buts its fINE totally fine ill work it out eventually,,,but now its trust ranking time yay

1.Gina (youre so inactive i adore you!)

2.Joshua (kid GANG!!! thank you for trusting me sometimes <3)

3.Jake (hes a crackhead but hes my crackhead)

VERY BIG GAP

4.Emma (shes chilling what a lovely gal)

5.Monty (better inactive than be active and a threat)

6.Nathan (youre kinda sketchy but hes like a funky older brother)

7.Josh (youre at the center of a balancing act i wonder if u can keep it up)

8.Nick (they always give such an honest vibe,,,,,i dont trust it)

9.Brianna (shes so sweet but the sweetest angels make the fiercest demons)

10.Jev(,,,,your on slightly thicker ice than joey but combined with a little more charisma)

ANOTHER GAP WOOT WOOT

11.Joey (youre on THIN fucking ice buddy,,,,please be more open w/ me)

12.Saira (im begging for u to talk game to me,,, but also since we havent talked u cant snake me yet)

13. Jacob (idk ily sm but youre so fcking connected and idk if i reached ur inner circle yet)

14. Kiki (my favorite furry)

15.Nash (please talk to me im begging ill do anything please plsease plaease plae-)

So update ive been talking around and wow this game loves looking at my allies and kicking them in the kneecaps while spitting in their eyes ugh. So nash is probably leaning towards nomming jake and Gina with gina as the target (really weird that jake is nommed makes me think jacob had some influence there) but in that scenario best case is that veto is used and anyone but josh goes up and that person leaves easy fucking peasy!! Anyway i just talked with josh and apparently jacob was the one who came up with the alliance idea which is interesting bc he tried to pin it on josh. Anyways not to totally contradict my initial rant but me and josh had a really good chat where we're kinda in the same position between two groups (the og alliance and janelle) and we dont know if we should make the og alliance and with who bc of janelle so we're struggling to see whats the correct move from here....or maybe josh is completely misting me but i fucking hope not ugh- either way im surviving this week and thats that!!

JEV

I'm realising that I'm getting myself into a pretty tight position since I have firm alliances with Emma & Jake and Nash & Nathan, as well as being extremely close to Josh C, which could prove difficult for me down the line, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

KIKI

https://youtu.be/6cn8xUFWqhA

BRIANNA

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XvZzg3dTEZ89VeFbG3bxk4JFNtr7Ixm0/view?usp=sharing 

i had to use google drive bc it wouldn't take my file on youtube :((((

JEV

So right now I've somehow accidentally wriggled my way into conspiring with Nash on how best to take Gina out, which is so dumb of me because I don't really want to see Gina leave this week, but at the same time I'm having to fight Nash's decision because she wants to put Emma up beside her and... I can't let that happen because I'm worried Emma would leave over Gina

JEV

So I'm speaking to Nash, taking the heat off of Emma by telling her I feel she could be a number for me/her/Nathan down the line, and now I'm pushing for Brianna to go up since Nash wants someone who 100% wouldn't leave over Gina and I'm thinking like... WHO would vote to evict Brianna, but at the same time I'm feeling super terrible about it because Brianna is a literal angel

JEV

Wow a lot going on so I'm trying to update as best I can, Nash is saying she's going to randomise for who goes to the upside down so I'm having to encourage her not to include me or Nathan in the randomisation just incase she needs us for strategising but REALLY its so I can stay and hang around and try my best to keep Emma from touching the block at all this week.

NASH

sorry for nominating women i didnt mean it.

EMMA

If i am being honest the more this game goes by i get so unmotivated and its only week 3 i suck because well in bbgames like galar and almia i mostly played from the bottom now im like alright i kinda want to fuck up my game for fun but kinda pisses me off a bit that i almost could of been nominated if it wasnt for jev but that pisses me off so much i tried talking to nash but i get left on read i dont take things 100x personal unless if somebody is being mean like laughing etc but knowing that i would be on the block over brianna when i did try talking to nash its still hurts a little but if somebody like gina wins veto if i get on the block it issss what it isss i guess but i played on the bottom way to many times maybe i can do this??

JEV

So my efforts worked and Brianna went up instead of Emma, now I've just gotta hope neither of the noms win POV/that the POV isn't used so I don't have to throw someone elses name out there to Nash :flushed:

JOSH

hello ladies and gays. straights aren't welcome here.

today, we are feeling GOOD because the person we nominated just a few days ago won power and STILL didn't nominate me. is that iconnery or what? i was honestly ready for my ass to be TOAST but i did approach nash before they won HOH and had a conversation about where we stood and they said i would be OKAY this week bc we did start talking. we love to see it, yes we do!

the nominees this week are gina and brianna and.. even though i'm in two different alliances with both of them, i'm not mad at either of them going up. i don't REALLY talk with either and i'd be happy to see either one of them go. the tricky part will be figuring out WHO to vote when the time comes, but we have a POV to happen before we get there. we'll SEE.

if i had to choose, i'd probably send brianna home simply because i find her a bit CHAOTIC where i feel like gina isn't really going to cause a lot of waves with me. she's much more quiet whereas brianna is more likely to be able to pick herself back up.

some other fun events going on:

jake was NOT happy about nash winning and thought he was going to get nominated because of it. he was about to RIP nash a new one and is really brewing with how much he hates them. MAKES ME LAUGH A LIL BECAUSE IT WAS SO UNWARRANTED BUT NEVERTHELESS, it's something to note that jake does NOT like nash.

i think aria is my number one right now bc we get along really well and have very similar opinions. i'm really open with how i talk to her so i'm HOPING she's not spilling everything i say to someone else but i don't think she WOULD? i dunno. i love her energy and i'm hoping we can SLICE AND DICE together in the middle.

my strategy is to take my HOH under my belt and take a step back for a minute while my two alliances (one: jake, aria, gina, emma, saira, me & two: jacob, aria, brianna, kiki, me) get picked off back and forth. i'm going to see if i can craft a narrative for them to go after each other but we'll SEE. there are a lot of people in the middle i enjoy a lot more than some of the people in my alliances so IDK. i feel like some people got thrown into these alliances that i did NOT want but they were kind of forced in so i don't trust it. and i think people KNOW because i'm not very chatty abt it in the chats (and i haven't even made one of the chats. am i supposed to? idk)

anyways that's all for now x 

ARIA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zp71zzR-wgE

someone help

JAKE

https://voca.ro/g2ZQWs9x8du

JEV

Not miss Nash coming to me asking how I'd feel about being renom :flushed:

JEV

So I literally just woke up from a sleep and in the space of 30 minutes have had to talk Nash out of renomming me, Emma or Jake since we've just made an alliance together so I warned her that probably wouldn't work out for us in the long run. We narrowed it down and she shortlisted Aria, Josh C, Monty & Nick, and I have spun her to try and get her to nominate Aria, because 1. I don't wanna see Josh C go up and 2. like with Brianna I feel nobody here would vote to evict Aria, and Nash wants Gina GONE (crying emoji) so I feel this was the only logical renom to suggest.

JEV

The conversation has turned back to Emma and I just really don't wanna let that happen because I do feel like she'd leave over Gina. Part of me is saying not to stick my neck out too much to save Emma but at the same time she's my number 1 in this game and I hope she'd return the favour if she was in my position.

NASH

this was literally one of the worst decisions i've ever had to make so now i'm just kinda pissed off! 

ARIA

Well,,,, FBSFJDF I feel like im making so many of these but honestly this game changes everyday so please dont be too annoyed by me uwu, the mood swing i had just this DAY was insane so lets begin w/ the general info-

IN TIME LINE ORDER

-Jev told jake that something about noms but acted dumb when I asked

-Gina/Joshua/Aria alliance created!!

-Saira and Josh are close

- VIDEO DR GOES HERE

-Jake spills Emma-Jev-Nathan-Nash-Jake alliance with Emma/Jev/Jake being a trio as well= Jev created the alliance

-Jev prefers gina out

-jake doesnt believe in screenshots or recording calls

-Jev and Jake are close

-Jev/Jacob/Jake all played together before

-I leaked Bri's backups to Jake as well as Jacob's trio with Nash and Kiki

-nash almost backdoored jev bc he wasnt responding to her

-jev was the reason i was almost otb

-I WAS ALMOST OTB

-Josh AND Jacob both want Jake out

-Bri thinks nash's comp ability is scary

-Nash and Nick are close 

-Jacob nervous about Bri's backup leaking

-Jacob barely talks w/ saira and monty

-made a final three w/ jacob josh called malibu

So now im debating whether its morally okay for me to analyze what happened in the living room in a game sense. FBSdffan So lets run down things in chronological order and I might mention my thoughts if they arent too controversial, Nathan leaks the alliance with jev/nash/jake/emma. Eventually emma says 'i wanna know who put these thoughts in the hohs head" and nick starts to shut the discussion down which is an interesting contrast to their earlier attitude where they were very for the drama continuing, which leads me to begin they had some sort of hand in it. Nathan goes on to say he likes nash on a personal lvl which jake analyzes as a nod to a friendgroup and a mini confrontation between nathan and jake occur. I believe that part was just a misunderstanding on both parties account. Then happy discussion until Jake calls nash out for being in the diary session for too long which leads to a discussion of house guests over analyzing production and using that as a strategy which is ultimately unfair and also at this time I believe nash was going through itTM leading to their friends to be slightly defensive on their behalf (which is valid) and i after rereading things i really hope that they're okay, ultimately this leads up to frustration on Jake's part and his ultimate quit. 

I mean where do i go from here? I have the Bri's angels but that did get leaked to Emma on Jake's way out so i need to figure some way to micromanage that where i think im gonna make a emma jev alliance and work with them as a trio in the future (if gina goes) but rn i feel like this force of energy that is Bri's backups is gonna body for a bit but i think theyre gonna throw hoh leading me jev or emma to step up and body a bit. Like i think i might actually win hoh and nom nash and monty with a nick potential renom bc im BORED and nash continuing to skate by without even talking to me is not valid, and monty is so not here its like??? HEWWO??? but idk thats making big moves i may just chill a bit for now but i dont want jev and emma being targeted in the future bc theyre gonna be numbers for me and thats on PEWIOD!

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L25lY813N1k&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=4&t=0s

[myhighladyfaeofthenightcourt]

My Mate, My wife and My High Lady

So this is the oneshot for the nonnie who asked for a dramatic ass Feyand thingie where Rhysands ex shows up and Feyre ends up leaving etc. Ive decided to do it in 2 parts tho bc im too tired to write it all rn but I feel bad making ya wait so I'll do the next part soon. Its not my best but i hope its ok. Luv ya and leave ya x .................. "Kiss marry kill Beron, Julian and the evil insest twins? The twins count as one because we all know that if you have one then you get both" Cass howled at the digusted faces of his friends and Nesta smacked him on the shoulder. "Why do you choose the worst ones" Feyre groaned but a grin spread across her mates face "kiss Beron, marry Julian and definitely kill the twins" Feyre's brows screwed up as she looked at him "you would kiss Beron??" "Something about the fire in his eyes just brings something out from deep within me" he winked. "You men are disgusting" Amren said looking up from her glass of blood with the most unimpressed look Feyre had ever seen. "Hey" Az whined "I didnt say anything, dont include me with those buffoons" Before the game could continue avery unimpressed Mor walked in "someones here to see you" she looked at Rhys. "Are you expecting someone?" Feyre asked but he shook his head then gestured for Mor to bring them in. Before she left the room she sent a glance towards Feyre. She came back in a couple minutes later followed by what had to be one of the most beautiful woman Feyre had ever seen. Her tight black curls spilling over her bare, silk smooth shoulders and skin so dark she could be the night itself. She felt Rhys's body go rigid next to hers and she looked the woman up and down and jealousy struck her. She was thicc. Maybe just a little smalled than Feyre but with curves in all the right places however she might as well have been naked. A strip of magenta fabric barely covering her breasts and was so thin she could see the peak of the girls nipples through it and a long matching skirt that hung low on her wide hips with two long splits up the side showing her flawless legs. Rhys stood bolt up right and the woman squealed when she saw him she ran straight to him, wrapping her arms around him. Feure could feel the tension in the room and then it clicked, this wasnt just an old friend. "Cece, what are you doing here?" He asked trying to untangle himself from Cece's arms "aww hun I missed you, dont tell me you didnt miss me" the pitch of her voice making everyone flinch. To be completely honest Feure was surprised that Rhys had ever been with someone with such an infuriating voice.   "I was thinking we could go for some drinks like old times and well if that happens to lead anywhere im sure your friends wouldnt mind clearing out for the night" she grinned, twisting a curl around her finger and getting too close to Feyre's mate for comfort. She couldnt even bring herself to step in she was so shocked. "Remember how you used to make me scream" this woman clearly had no embarrassment in front of Rhys's friends "Im still as flexible as I used to be" she winked. And that was enough for Feyre, she stood up and walked straight past Rhys and out the door, her hands clenched into fists at her side. Rhys called after her but she didnt stop and walked straight out of the house. "Right well thats out que to leave" Amren pointed out "sort this out Rhysand" and with that Rhys was left alone with his ex "What is her problem?" Cece asked with a look of distaste "whatever, we have the house to ourself now" she lay a hand on Rhys's chest and moved in to place a kiss on his lips but Rhys twisted out of the way. "That was my mate Cece" his tone showing how pissed off he was, Cece raised her brows "that doesnt bother me, I can keep a secret" she winked and tried to advance on him again but this time Rhys grabbed her hands as they went for his shirt. "I mind Cece, she's my MATE" but she wasnt listening as she tried to move closer to him "I SAID ENOUGH" Rhys roared and Cece finally took a step back, her mouth hanging open "excuse me!" She placed a hand on her hip. Rhys's blood was boiling, his face a mask of cold rage "I said enough. Feyre is my mate and my high lady. You cant come barging in here after 200 odd years (idfk) and expect me to just to fuck you" "High lady! You made that bitch a high lady!" Cece screeched "my high lady and my wife. So Id watch what you call her if I were you before I really lose my temper" Cece was furious "you could have had me Rhysand and I guarantee I could make you feel better than she ever will" her breathe was coming out in short, angry pants. "Get. Out. Of. My. City."

[shadovvlink]

angsty trans/gay rant

like a lot of people are saying they wouldnt be cis assigned gender and/or het if they could choose and. i super admire that and im happy that they can be in a place where theyre happy with who they are and not ashamed of themselves but. i would. i really fucking would. like i will stand up for ppls rights to be able to come out in a safe & supportive environment where they dont have to be shamed for being themselves til my dying breath because they deserve those good things.

but that doesnt mean i will do those things for myself. i would still rather be a cishet girl whos uncomfortable with her body rolls and a bit too depressed to do anything about it than. idk a gay trans guy whos so ashamed and disgusted with himself that it took him years to come out. to a family that claims theyre supportive but are now trying to convince him hes either spending too much time online, letting his hyperempathy get the better of him for people who actually live through that, (implying) hes just faking it to make it seem more real to him or just psychotic to the point that he lost his grip on the difference between delusion and reality. just basically trying to tell him hes not clear in the head, and telling him that if there is literally absolutely no other way out, they will let him transition. and having most of his depression stem from his body dysphoria. even though there are clear underlying issues.

ofc i know lgbt is an ok thing to be. i get so happy when ppl refer to me as male even tho i feel so much shame and self hate for making people cater to my needs at the same time. but i would rather be a cishet girl who just used to have a problem with bullying and a few abusive friends than have yet 15 more added on layers that make it so bad that i literally cant think of any other way out than to slowly kill myself either by drinking, cutting, or just end it outright and never let my issues be known to anybody. going back to therapy can only help for so long and i already bring enough shame to them by that as is.

i fucking hate causing my parents and brother this much trouble and forcing them to go through yet more things because of me. i shoud never have come out and instead just stayed in the closet and waited for this to pass. i should never have bought a binder in the first place and instead just quietly waited for this to end. but i literally just couldnt wait anymore when i was pretty much forced to come out bcus i was so upset at this point that i felt i was going to either explode or die if i kept this to myself and my circle of friends. even if i had a panic attack before telling them. and everyone around focuses specifically on the ppl regretting transitioning and are trying to tell me that basically nothing will change. my brother knows someone who went through this first hand and tells me its ok to be a masculine girl even when i told him that it just isnt enough anymore. thats great. its also the last thing i need to hear.

im really happy that i have lgbt friends that can be themselves comfortably and not hate themselves for being lgbt constantly. its so good to see them walk forwards in life with pride even when im right here wishing i wasnt myself and wishing i was literally anything else because its so much easier and i feel so weak because of it i feel like a quitter

on my period and thats probably whats making me so upset abt this but im so angry and tired of constantly being shoved back in the closet under the guise of focusing on my happiness first and people telling me how long it will take to transition and do everything and constantly repeating “but what if halfway through you realize its not The Thing™?” and how much transitioning costs the state. and just constantly trying to make me doubt myself again and again when i just keep realizing after a while that it hurt me more than it did good. and each time it just gets worse. i dont want this either, you know!!!!! id rather not have these issues more than anyone!!!!! id rather fucking die than be like this!!!!!!!! theres nowhere to vent this but here i dont know if i can trust anyone irl anymore because its just false hope on top of false hope getting crushed time and time again but i know i just cant keep clinging to things with online friends. idk i guess im just. so used to keeping things to myself i guess.

idk im just nauseous becuase of my body but i cant drink or cut because i will just get in trouble again and i cant go to any websites because nothing helps.

thinking about my body makes me crazy. trying not to think about my body makes me crazy. trying to keep myself from thinking abt having sex with men (because lets be real thats never going to happen irl) is making me crazy. trying to think about transitioning makes me crazy. talking to my parents about me getting help for this in some kind of way is making me feel like im literally 5 minutes away from being completely delirious because they make me feel like im just hallucinating this entire ordeal and deluding myself into thinking that i must be trans being the solution. i know theyre trying to focus on my happiness. i know theyre trying to make me more levelheaded about this and think rationally about what transitioning will really do to me. idfk im just a textbook crazy at this point. i dont even know anymore.

dont even make me start with being gay haha thats just a whole nother layer of bullshit and shame i dont want my parents to go through because of me.

idk i m nto meant to be crying but ut hurt sso much

[the-emotional-equilibrium]

I’d beg for help if I knew who to ask.

I can feel that I’m so fucking ill at the minute, but I honestly don’t know what to do to help myself.

Everything is getting to me. I’m so tired. I’m tired of people starting conversations with me with everything that’s gone to shit for them in the last week. My dad is one of the most negative people i know, and though i get along with him now better than before, he does make me feel like shit when everything he says is just filled with pessimism.

I can’t be bothered to even mention my mum, but honestly living at home is just. I’m so fucking done with it. Just the thought of it being like this for another month is almost unbearable. I’m so fucking miserable at home i cant even do simple things like shower and have time to myself (because she times how long I’m in there) or sing or anything. I’d love to move out and live elsewhere, maybe move in with my dad if it came to that or even couch surf. But honestly I’m too scared to. Despite the fact being at home scared the shit out of me and has pushed me beyond terrified, the thought of telling my mum I’m leaving home just seems dangerous. Besides, despite everything, I’m not sure I could live with the guilt of leaving her to live alone. Ridiculous, I know.

My brain feels like its filled with solid concrete, it physically pains me to form a coherent thought about anything, and those I can form are self loathing and about how no ones every going to love me etc. Which is triggered by just about everything, including seeing other people even mildly happy. I fucking hate myself for that one. My heart hurts like hell. Not even my heart, my entire fucking chest has physical pain because I’m just so sad. 

Life is just a fucking joke at the minute. I’m not sure there are many places in the country where people experience as much stress and pain as sixth form. The stress is making everyone so ill, physically and mentally, its disgusting. And I’m like a sponge, just soaking up everyone else’s mood and letting that weigh me down on top of my own problems.

Even just little things are getting to me, like how i cant travel freely because of fucking unsafe everything is. I’m here for one time, one time only for this relatively short life, and I cant explore the better things this world has to offer because some crackpot radical might blow me up?! Its so fucking unfair. And everyone is dying too young and it makes me so mad no one deserves this. 

Also it’s the most insignificant little thing but there’s a bench at school to commemorate a boy who killed himself a few years back and idfk why but they’ve moved it up to sixth form so now every day I’m going to have to walk past it and I’m not sure I’m going to handle that.

My options though are so limited. My mind just keeps jumping between self harm, suicide and running away. None of which are really possible right now.

Even self harm doesn’t feel like something that would help right now because there’s a certain kind of sad you have to be, and its not this. Plus I cant even find the energy. Then there’s suicide, which I know it sounds stupid but considering it as an option has almost become a coping mechanism for me by now. I doubt I’d do it and I’m constantly fighting against it with all i have to look forward to since I might thank myself for it one day. The hopelessness is just so claustrophobic right now, it feels like the best option. The mental health service in this country? Appalling. I’ve waited a whole year on a waiting list to see a low level Councillor who i saw for the first time today. I’m not sure we’re gonna get along (though I’ll give her a chance); she doesn’t seem to understand what I say just on a basic level and she scares me, so how am i supposed to trust her? But shes my only option unless i want go back to the bottom of the waiting list. I don’t think I’d survive that. But I know I have to be careful because if i admit how horrifically bad I am right now then I’ll get immediately dumped by her and put on a 2 year waiting list for a higher level Councillor. Since of course if she can’t deal with it, 2 years with no help is better. That’s it. That’s all my options. So its not exactly surprising suicide looks appealing in comparison.

[gaberoothekangaroo]

this is kinda going to be long.

my dad gets so fucking worked up about things and it fucking drives me bonkers because hes just being an ass about it. like we were watching transformers on tv and it had some extra interviews and it talked about the differences of opinion between shia and michael bay on how to do a scene. so my dad is spouting off about how ‘directors are lazy and complacent and they need to learn from others successes’ and on and on and on. and im like ???? there are like only a handful of series that go from one movie to the next??? and so we got into it. like i explained to him that this is a recent thing in the past ten years to have movies that all link up to one another that tell a whole story, rather than having a story that has a beginning middle and end and then adding on a sequel. cause lets be real most sequels suck cause theyre trying to recaputre the glory of the first movie and they dont live up to it.

so hes just fuckin goin off about how this that and the other. and i point out to him that the marvels movies started out as flops. like iron man was pretty good, then two just was in the toilet. well it was the first of its kind. they closed the doors on the first movie. it was a little hard to try to reopen things they had already closed. so they learned and the third movie was pretty good. then we have all the other movies in the franchise that build off each other. yeah they make mistakes, but these guys have all learned and built off each other. 

NOPE. hes like hauling off about laziness and they need to look at other peoples successes and failures on working in series. and im like ?????? asshole, do you not realize there are not that many series out there???? and so we just keep fighting over it and it gets to the point where im like ‘dude, its a fucking novel that theyre taking from a script and turning it into a visualization. you have a problem with their lack of continuity or their characterization, thats where your problems lie, not with the producer’

so then hes just like freaking out hardcore and hes like ‘movies and books are different’ and im like how? how could they possibly be different? world building, characters, a plot, a beginning middle and end. like how are they different aside from the fact one is visual and one is text based? and he just cant see that theyre literally the same thing. and so he keeps freaking out.

and im like ‘if i were to write a book on xyz, i wouldnt go look at the other successful authors that wrote something similar. thats fucking stupid.’ and hes like ‘thats not what i was saying’. um yes it is. if youre talking about looking at something and trying to base it off its predecessors successes and failures, then...wouldnt you have to...idk find something that was actually similar before you can make comparisons???

idfk. he had an issue with the fact that michael bay is a jackass and wanted ‘to do things his way’ and wasnt going to let shia do something he wanted to do. yeah okay creative differences, still made a fairly okay movie. not the actors fault that theres four of these stupid movies. but he was raging hardcore over the fact that the director was ‘lazy and complacent’. so what is his laziness? is there some sort of standard hes following? what is his complacency? like i? dont? understand???

the complacency youre talking about is he wanted a fucking paycheck. the first one was successful and he probably won awards and there was acclaim. so whats stopping him from trying to make a second? a third? he has the characters. he somewhat has the world. its not his own idea, no, because hes taking from an already fairly successful source. but hes moulding the characters to his needs and purposes. same thing with his screenwriter.

i have more anger directed towards the screenwriter than the producer because if the script/characters suck, its on them. they wrote the fuckin thing. if you dont know how to worldbuild or write a cohesive character outside of a single individual film, thats on you and your creativity, not the producer. but nope, he couldnt see it that way. and he kept yelling about how i was putting words in his mouth and this that or the other. like jesus fucking christ man.

im so fucking over how he cant see another point of view. he does this shit with everything. like i need to move fucking far away again. i cannot do this shit. it drives me near up the wall.

he gets so mad that im ‘so literal’ ‘all the goddamned time’. okay well...im not yelling every five seconds that the english language is being destroyed and cant accept change. ‘i was taught all the rules and exceptions’. bullshit. if you were, youd speak worse than a goddamned textbook. you wouldnt sound human. you wouldnt fit in to your social environment. you would be stiff. yet whenever you hear a new word, jesus lord almighty the world is coming down around your ears. its bad when others say it, but you dont mind when we do it. righto.

he makes me so mad. he just doesnt want to look outside his viewpoint. as understanding as he is, he doesnt want to learn. he says he likes learning, but he doesnt actually. if it goes away from what he was taught or something hes stood by for forever and a half, he doesnt want it to change. its like tough luck asshole, thats how things happen. if you dont want change, move to a cave. i dont like change either, but im not yelling from the rooftops about it. nor am i blinded by my viewpoints.

the dumb thing about all this is, is that i dont have anyone i can talk to this about. none of my friends really wanted to stay in contact after we grew up. i havent made too many strong relationships after childhood. the ones i have made, i dont want to feel like im bothering them. i dont want to feel like im incessantly talking nonstop and only about myself and my problems. so i bottle it and then it explodes and then after im done writing it out or talking it out, im still angry. my anxiety is still high. but im over it. im done talking about it. i could get riled up again, but it just tires me out.

like i feel like i used to have a good relationship with my dad, but then i moved away. i learned some new things. i saw some different view points. i aligned myself with others that were abroad. i try to look at things differently. and now that ive come back, its like hes exactly where i left him. he didnt change, but i did. he doesnt want to learn or grow. he thinks hes done, that this is the most him he can be.

it makes me really angry because i want to share things with him. i want to talk to him about the things that excite me, that i think might excite him cause we share a lot of common interests. but then all i get is push back and anger and confrontation and it just makes me tired. it makes me angry too, but i just want to be done and over with it. i want to be away from it. from him.

when i left, i didnt know mothers werent supposed to be that way. now that ive learned thats not how any individual should be, i can see how dads shouldnt be that way either. im not saying hes abusive like my mother, but hes nearly there. belittling and jeering and outright testosterone fueled meanness when things dont go his way or i dont perform to his standards. theres even a disparity between how understanding he used to be and how understanding he is now. the older i get and the further i get away from who i used to be, the less understanding he seems to be. it makes me sad. it makes me angry. it makes me want to leave and not come back. it makes me want to go and to go and to go. at the same time, i live in a constant state of existential crisis. life is short and nothing has meaning. all that stuff. so theres fear, true panic inducing fear that dominates my line of thinking for a few days before i get it under control and so i dont want to lose my relationship with my dad. he is probably one of the closest people in my life. but he also keeps getting more distant as time progresses.

nights like tonight just make me want to cry. i go from anger to sadness/panic to exhaustion. like ive ranted, ive changed the subject a couple times now, but i dont feel better. theres still a low simmer of anger in my chest thats constricting in the way anxiety is constricting.

i dont want many more of these situations. i guess its time to move. i dont want to do it permanently, but it looks kinda like it might have to be. and if it is permanent, that means i leave behind my grandmother who means the world to me. it means i leave behind one of my best friends, a friend i believed would die and i wouldnt be informed of his passing a few years ago. i already left some close friends behind in my last state of residency. i read a lot because i choose to escape from things. i have a hard time facing things. like facing the fact that my dad is probably not going to change as a individual and will continue to be confrontational and a hypocrite. i really wanna cry but my depression doesnt allow it.