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expired-applejuice · 2 years ago

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Part 6 of incorrect les mis

Some or these may have been done.

Grantaire: I will not let a technicality stop me.

Joly: Techni- you mean the law?

Grantaire: Yes I hate that word.

-

Bahorel: I asked Feuilly out.

Montparnasse: Oh, I'm sorry.

Bahorel: Why?

Montparnasse: Well, I assume he said no.

Bahorel: No, he said yes.

Montparnasse: Really? Then I'm sorry for him.

-

Courfeyrac: Gay as fuck to be a angry politician. What are you mad about? Men? Are you just crazy about men?

Grantaire: I hear that politics is a man dominated field. Is that what you want? To be dominated by other men?

Enjolras: *confused* I beg your pardon????

Grantaire: *holding out a Bouquet of flowers* what's not clicking?

-

Jehan: Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I'm just gonna label it, 'What were you thinking?'

Feuilly: Funny, 'cause I was just going to go across the hall and write that on Montparnasse.

-

Courfeyrac to Combeferre: I don't know how many times I have to say this. Do not like a picture of my ass on Instagram if you don't want me in your DMs telling you to spank it, all right? Just don't do it.

-

Fantine: Javert, you and Valjean did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.

Javert: I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your fella.

Fantine: Valjean is not "my fella".

Javert: *smirks* And how!

-

Eponine: I've kinda of had this uh, this crush on you. But since you were with Marius, I-I didn't do anything about it. But, now that you're not, I'd really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that's-that's what I'm doing, now.

*Marius gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room*

Cosette: Wow! Umm....

*A loud crash and the sound of breaking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash, Marius emerges with everyone looking at him*

Marius: I dropped a cup.

-

*Grantaire stops Combeferre*

Grantaire: Oh, Combeferre, I saw what happened. Is your boyfriend okay?

Combeferre: *stops short, looks at him* My boyfriend?!

Grantaire: Yeah, th-th-the loud little friendly one you're always hanging around with...oh, uh, Courfeyrac.

Combeferre: He's not my boyfriend.

Grantaire: Are you sure...?

Combeferre: Yes, I'm sure. I don't like him. He's shallow and loud, talkative. He's everything that I hate.

Grantaire: But Combeferre, you hate everything.

Combeferre: What's that supposed to mean?

Grantaire: Well, it means that... that maybe you like him cause... *sings* I kinda think you dooo.

Combeferre: No! How could I like him. Because I don't like him! Because I can't like him! Grantaire, if I like him.... shoot me.

Grantaire: *turns to him and makes a finger gun* POW!!

-

Grantaire to Enjolras: You'll figure out what to do Apollo, you have great instincts. You have a great butt too, but that's a whole other thing.

-

Bossuet, drunkingly confronting Musichetta: Hey you! Musichetta is it? Yeah. I don't know where you're from. But I'll have you know, I am the catch of Paris.

Joly: That's true. That's how he signed my yearbook.

-

Marius: Okay, remember, workout time tomorrow is 6:30. So get some rest. Or do what I do: lie awake and listen to your roommate do stuff with your other roommate on the other side of the wall.

*Everyone stares at Eponine and Cosette*

-

Joly, putting a hand on Bossuet's forehead: God, you're hot...

Bossuet: So are you.

Joly: With a fever.

-

Courfeyrac: We don't have to do nothing *looks around* nothing big was taken, probably some kids having fun.

Enjolras: Fun?

Courfeyrac: Yeah, you know, fun... that thing you've never had.

Enjolras: I have plenty of fun, okay *walks over to Grantaire and smiles* I'm fun, right?

Grantaire, looking Enjolras up and down: You're good lookin!

-

Eponine: Anyway, I was wondering if, you were the sort of person who... eats lunch.

Cosette: Are you asking me out? 'Cause it would be kinda weird since I just broke up with Marius.

Eponine: Yeah uh... okay. I'm-I'm sorry. Bye.

Cosette: No! Wait! I was just saying that so you'd think I was a good person. Fight for me.

Eponine: Uhh, I won't take no for an answer.

Cosette: Not great, but we can work on it at lunch.

-

*The other cops walking in on Javert packing up night vision goggles*

Javert: Oh man, I gotta go to the bench in town. I'm late to stalk Valjean.

-

Courfeyrac: So what, we just sit?

Combeferre: Ohh, no, no. We're not going to just sit. *calls Marius* Shhh.

Marius, answering the phone: Hello, Marius Pontmercy.

Combeferre, in a high pitched female voice; Hello Mr. Pontmercy... I love you.

Marius, angrily: Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! *Les Amis silently laughing* It's been six months! It's not funny!

Combeferre: But, I love you.

Marius: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!!

*Combeferre hangs up*

Combeferre: And that's Wednesday.

-

Feuilly: We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey?

Jehan: No, I just, I fell down.

Feuilly: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?

*Bahorel high fives Montparnasse*

-

*Marius tries to enter the Cafe back room that has a voice command*

Marius: Marius.

Computer: Access denied.

Marius: Pontmercy.

Computer: Access denied.

Marius: Nostrils.

Computer: Access Denied.

Marius: *grumbles* Napoleon's Bitch.

Computer: Welcome, mari-quiff.

-

Marius: I know I didn't do anything wrong, but where am I gonna find another friend like Courfeyrac?

Eponine: Look, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, okay? It's like when you and Cosette broke up. It was for the best. And after a while, she found someone better. Me. And since then, I've enjoyed throwing that in your face as often as possible. What was your question again?

-

*Valjean and Javert hug*

Fantine: Could you cut it out? I gotta go home to an empty apartment.

-

*Marius wants to talk to a hidden Cosette*

Marius: Eponine, do you know where she is?

Eponine: 712 Forest Lane, blue house with a little flamingo on the lawn.

Marius: Wow. Stalk much?

Eponine: Yes.

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lgbtlunaverse · 10 months ago

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The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

#it's bad if you want i have sex it's also bad if you DON'T want to have sex #god forbid if you're a woman in a heterosexual marriage and aren't in the mood #that's 'withholding sex' and you're clearly abusive scum who should be divorced and left without any of your shared assets.#but if you DO have sex now you're a degenerate freak plotting for the downfall of western society #i don't know what to say i'm just so tired #politics #culture #queerphobia #lgbtqia #misogyny #<it's not the exclusive source but let's be honest sooo much of this is integral to the patriarchy #patriarchy needs access to an underclass they can treat like sex objects but they also don't want them to have any human rights #so sexuality is both obligatory and stigmatized #purity culture #i'm really struggling with tagging this because most of the appropiate tags would- in a beautiful twist of irony- get me booted off tumblr

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catbrarian · 4 months ago

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