#sometimes it's so isolating

[ley-med]

I had a week long vacation not long ago, so I finally have enough energy to talk to non-medical friends once again. And I just realized once again, I'm not sure how to talk to them.

They tell me all the things they participated in, and I'm truly happy for them, all the while thinking I would never have half that much energy. They ask me how I am, I tell them I'm good, finally had a vacation. What did I do? Oh, literally nothing, tried to sleep off the worst of the exhaustion and tried to avoid interaction with other humans. How's work? You know, just the usual, it's good. It is good, and I love it, but how could I tell them all the horrors witnessed? That's right I don't, but what else do I have left to talk about? Most of my fun work stories are tainted with the shadows of tragedies... And unfortunately, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

So I just read their cheerful message and leave it on read, contemplating what to answer. And just hope they won't take offence to my agonizingly slow replies...

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show.

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[philyuri]

not to demon post but like. sometimes i think about the "friends" label and the fact that it's a little bit of a haha in-joke but also... i mean. when dan said he didnt have a best friend for the first 18 years of his life he meant it yknow. like i do think that out of all the possible labels he's used, soulmates husbands arch enemies furniture who the fuck knows, best friends is amongst the most meaningful... if you never had a best friend and then met him and he stayed in that spot for fifteen years the fact that he's also the love of your life can maybe be just a bit of a bonus.

[ewwww-what]

Just watched boys night. Will never be normal again.

[formulanni]

Alex Albon as The Hermit:

The Hermit suggests that you are in a phase of introspection where you are drawing your attention inwards and looking for answers within. You are in need of a period of inner reflection, away from the current demands of your position.

This is a call to embark on a journey of self-discovery, embracing our true spiritual self and inner wisdom.

Tag list: @st-leclerc @rubywingsracing @saviour-of-lord @three-days-time @the-wall-is-my-goal @albonoooo @ch3rubd0lls

[inkskinned]

you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.

you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.

instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.

you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.

your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.

because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.

so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.

all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.

[aquato-family-circus]

what’s a busy bee to do when she doesn’t know how to find her flowers again

ID: A one page comic of Bob Zanotto and Cassie O’Pia having a conversation together.

Bob: Hey Cass, I was was just wonderin’…

Cassie: Hm?

Bob: Did you end up writing anything while we were out here?

Cassie: Oh— I always meant too, but I’d always be so exhausted after tending the hives.

Cassie: I finally cleaned my typewriter a month ago, and have so much more free time!

Cassie: But I still haven’t touched it since…

Bob: Are you scared you can’t do it anymore?

Bob: I’m sorry, I was blunt again.

Cassie: Perhaps… a little. But I think you’re right. Depression’s really kicked our butts, huh.

Bob: Oh don’t even tell me about it.

End ID.

[immediatebreakfast]

The silent terror of this entry as Jonathan's attempt to reach out to Mina, and Mr. Hawkins are futile in the hands of the Count. It may be a whole entry, but the constant cuts in between every paragraph makes it feel that Jonathan is waiting for something, anything that would make him unable to write.

It almost feels like Jonathan is waiting for Dracula's wrath to finally descend upon him instead of the abusive mind games. I would even speculate that Jonathan would prefer that (even if it could end up with him dead), instead of being in a state that makes him question his own mind. It's so dire that rhis entry doesn't feel like Jonathan anymore, it's not Jonathan writing about what is happening with his own written cadence, it's Jonathan recording events in paper so he knows that what he lived is real.

When Dracula comes with the two letters, and starts to act, Jonathan doesn't move nor talk for the whole scene. All of the hope for escaping is held in the hands of the man who has been carefully tearing his brain apart for months, Jonathan's last hope is back to the Count... It seems that all of the emotions left him nearly catatonic, unable to do anything else but breathe.

The invansion of privacy as Dracula admited that he opened the letter for Mr. Hawkins, the further isolation as Dracula lied (yes I think he is lying) about how the romani people willingly gave him the letters, the utter rage expressed when Dracula realizes that Jonathan has the actual upper hand on him in a way that doesn't amuse him.

"the other is a vile thing, an outrage upon friendship and hospitality! It is not signed. Well! so it cannot matter to us."

Then, the inmediate switch of demeanor into a gentleman again, telling Jonathan without words that all of this situation is his fault. If he didn't do that, if he didn't "betray" Dracula with those letters, then maybe Jonathan would still have hope in leaving the castle alive.

"The letter to Hawkins—that I shall, of course, send on, since it is yours. Your letters are sacred to me. Your pardon, my friend, that unknowingly I did break the seal. Will you not cover it again?" 

The Count is nothing but a good host, a remarkable noble, a symbolic upstanding husband, why would Jonathan try to escape, when his death date has already been decided? How outrageous, how ungrateful. No wonder he "has to" lock Jonathan so he is forced to think about what he has done.

[antariies]

being overwhelmingly white isn’t unique to gw2blr in fact i’d say most fandoms on tumblr are like that. but sometimes when ppl are like “why are there so few poc in this space?” it’s not because none of us are interested in gw2. it’s because, unintentionally or not, you guys have curated a space that is so unwelcoming and uncomfortable to poc that it dissuades us from engaging at all and, on occasion, has driven us out.

[spiribia]

there was something heavenlike about being able to just attend lectures in college and sit in a cozy auditorium while someone told you about interesting things for an hour and you just did this with your weeks. i wont lie to you. unfortunately they killed you if you dont remember every minutiae of what they said.

[concreteburialplot]

folio is so insanely talented fr & i don’t think we talk about it enough

[kurithedweeb]

Here's the real question I gotta ask myself.

Of those I imagine have their swords sheathed at their hip, which ones, aside from Laurance, do the thing where they casually rest their wrists against the hilt of their blade while resting all their weight on one hip and making a very good point and/or emotionally devastating someone with a few simple words?

[cannibal-nightmares]

let's make trouble in the dream world, we'll hijack heaven with another memory now; i make the most of the turning tide, it just split what's left of the burning silence

[alackofghosts]

wolbert week day 1 - ghost

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i think. i need to go for a drive and get myself a tasty beverage

[m-a-r-i--c-h-a-t]

but who told them all my distorted thoughts lmao