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miss-americanbi · 7 months

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only cool kids have asthma

#it ain’t easy being wheezy #somehow i am better physically #but worse mentally #asthma #asthma treatment #asthma attack #asthma management #americanbi’s posts #americanbi’s memes

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sofoulandfairaday · 10 months

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i can't decide which i like more:

the idea - very much canonical and in the author's original concept and view of magic - of the dark arts taking a toll on one's exterior and looks. tom riddle sacrificing his beauty willingly in the name of eternal life, black magic as something that innately corrupts. bellatrix escaping from azkaban with the barest vestiges of her ancient beauty. going from one of the most beautiful women in england to a shell of her former self and no amount of dark magic being able to fix it. and she just. doesn't care. goes from pretty, proud and vain in her youth, to the feverish, fanatical glow harry sees in the department if mysteries. finally she sheds the petal of the rose - look like the innocent flower, her master had once said - and only the thorns remain. the parallel with voldemort himself. the idea that they like each other better now, the only ones to like their respective new appearances better. bellatrix because she can taste the power radiating off him, because she knows how resentful he was of his old face. (oh, he's never said anything explicitly, he would rather be flayed alive than speak of his filthy muggle father to her, but she knew he didn't like himself, took no pride in his aesthetics, it was most unusual, really.) the dark lord because he's reminded of her sacrifice - she was the only one who didn't denounce him, who tried to find him - every time he looks at her. she gave up everything for him: her reputation, her family, her freedom, her health, her beauty, her youth.

or.

the horcruxes are an isolated case. not all prices to pay for power are physical. some dark magic sucks at your humanity, your emotional regulation, your empathy and gives back superficial little gifts. its roots are far from the deep anger, desperation to cling to life of an horcrux. these are ancient witches' remedies to be the most envied in the village. the idea that rotten cores hide behind the prettiest faces. and bellatrix was always vain, always took immense pride in her beauty, her black, pure features. when she escapes from azkaban she tries everything in her power to be herself once again. she still drips with obsession but gradually regains all of her beauty too. cruel people can still be beautiful. gorgeous people can still be inhuman. and yet there is something so human about a woman making her way through the ranks of a very militarised group and still caring so much about what she looks like, still having insecurities, being preoccupied with mundane things like age and decay - and hating it because he would hate it, he hates weakness, and still not being able to help herself. the dark lord was always a collector of shiny things, was he not?

#sorry for the ineloquent stream of consciousness. it's midnight i am exhaused and once again in a bellamort brainrot #better yet - bellatrix and her relationship with her gender is something that i find so fascinating and that few people explore properly #and the differences between bellatrix and voldemort and how they would perceive certain things (e.g. physical beauty)#being a children's book hp uses the very common trope that ugly = bad #the villains are all deprived of their good looks somehow #except in lockhart's case where he literally loses his wits (the whole point of his character - very dante-esque as a punishment)#and dark magic clearly takes a toll on your body #i like characters that are described as imperfect and that are forced to make sacrifices. would bella give this up for her master? yes.#would it be painful? i find that i like both versions of her.#bellatrix lestrange #lord voldemort #bellamort #bellatrix black

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astrxealis · 10 months

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hi guys please wish me luck for my college entrance exam tomorrow for one of my dream schools xoxo

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#LET'S GOOO MGA PAREH 💙🦅💙🦅💙🦅💙🦅#i'm so chill for some reason even if ik i will never forgive myself if i don't get in. anyway. manifesting!!! i will pass with flying colors #IT'S REAL DAMN STRESSFUL FOR ME bcs i am aiming for honors courses which means i have to be top 15%... i am top 15% (and higher) in my batch #in school anyway but... urgh...#so. yeah. give me all your best wishes thankyousomuchxoxo AHHEHEHWHSHFJAH sobbing (but fr. if you do. i really appreciate it!!)#i believe in myself :] mostly. the time limit scares me and math and abstract reasoning bcs 5 minutes for 30 items but yeah. okay.#i am Smart ..... bro i literally got perfect on my physics exam and got 100 in statistics (i am really proud of these in particular)#my extracurriculars are good !! all my math scores are insane (cue a math nerd) and science (science nerd) english (god. no explanation #needed) honestly every subject is slay and so is my essay-making but ERGH. honors course... top 15%...#i will try to be chill! honestly i am already lol the nerves aren't getting to me somehow. gl to me and all that i know and do not know.#both here and irl :3 also to fellow ph kids (who are most likely younger than me if they aren't older and yk not worrying abt cets anymore #LMFAO) err idk if . okay idk what i was going to say LMFAO anyway i'm busy af and idk if i'm good with teaching others #but if you ever want any tips from me (honestly i don't really have tips. i do what i do and just make it. but there's a lot involved there)#feel free to come to me for anything ^_^ anything at all tbh. doesn't have to be acads idk i like helping others in general. BUT IT DEPENDS.#but yeah just hmu whatever i will have you know i am genuinely a smart & responsible kid and i am proud of that bcs my family is amazing w #smarts but also the Hard Work is there so :3 !! english is my forte science is my forte math is my forte. also socsci and whatever tbh.#i'm probably insane but i genuinely love all those topics and what we learn in school FISHFK so yeah !!! okay i shut up now #will do my best... zzz... and then i will work on myself. to be better than i already am and even better than i could possibly be. ya. fun!#the mga pareh is a joke btw i like imitating filipino kids like that. like yooo mga pareh let's goooooo wahee!!!!!

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orcelito · 2 months

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Less than an hour before the mcelroy selfie & signing

I'm a little nervous

#speculation nation #havent had any caffeine bc ive been having too much of that lately. and it's a shorter day.#so im a bit sleepy. but at least the active nausea is better than it was a bit ago #(waking up so early several days in a row And having them be such physically strenuous days is. hard on the body.)#anyways. yeah. the mcelroys.#i mean ultimately theyre just some guys. but im not good at talking with strangers Anyways #and ive enjoyed their stuff for a good bit now. so. it's intimidating.#but i know theyre nice people. and ultimately all i Really need to do is give them what i want signed and take the pic #but there is opportunity for brief conversation. and i want to try asking them if they remember an anecdote from when my sister saw them #it was a good bit ago so i'll preface it with 'this might be a bit of a longshot but'#the anecdote being that when my sister asked for an autograph for 'Fanny' Clint started writing 'Best Fanny'#before travis was like 'uhhh maybe add a comma there' hfkshfkd #ultimately it WAS such a small moment. and actually thinking about it i dont know if i want to ask them actually.#bc if they Dont remember. which they likely dont. well then that's awkward for all of us.#...but also even if they dont remember it's still a funny story.#and if they Do somehow remember i can be like 'Hello i am that Fanny'#the thing is that theyre people with good humor. so i dont think theyd be upset at me asking.#and maybe theyd even find it funny. even if they dont remember.#i can give no guarantees that i will even try to do this bc i might end up so petrified in the moment that i cannot do it #but i will try my best. aughhgjhg i wish i wasnt passively nausous rn!!! not making it easier!!!#and somehow it's now 40 minutes away AAAAAAAAAAAGH

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miodiodavinci · 1 year

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(head in hands) man.

#i’m laying in bed trying to sleep but suddenly got the urge to look for that old render of crevan using warp.exe #but to find it i had to dig through my entire crevan tag and just #really hit me just How much i don’t like crevan sgkfgdsjfk #like not in a ‘aw man this voicebank could be so much better :(‘ kind of way #but in a ‘i am physically no longer the same person i was when i made her’ kind of way #in a ‘i don’t know if i ever really liked her or if she was just one big running bit i had because i was so scared of being cringe’#kind of way #because let’s be real #there are very few moments in that tag where i’m not purposefully distancing myself from the things i liked #and being unnecessarily mean and snarky instead so i’d somehow ‘be better’ for not ‘giving in’#whether to the temptation to be honest and genuine or the temptation to do the sorts of silly things i actually wanted to do #maybe a huge portion of it is also that i hadn’t figured out i was gay or trans yet #and felt the need to curate this horrible she/her creature to try to rectify the gender dysphoria i was feeling #but yeah #doesn’t feel great honestly #i love being open and kind and honest with what i love #and i don’t think i can ever really relate to crevan’s old ‘purposefully mean and cruel and antagonistic’ schtick #now that i’ve gone about that change #anyway sghlfsfjdg

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softshuji · 9 months

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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

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dandyshucks · 8 months

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counselor arrived with 30 mins of appt time left on the clock and it was actually a really good appt all things considered but im exhausted now shdkdl I'm gonna take it easy the rest of the day and work on the julian plushie i think :3

#and finish this audiobook dbdjdl i am still miffed that it turned out to actually be good SBHDKDL #I've been trying to pick apart what exactly made it so dogshit at the beginning and how it could've been written better #but im drawing a blank and thats somehow even more irritating to me LMAO #like... i dont know how it could've been written better djdksl i feel like maybe it had to be that badly written to get good later on #idk maybe I'll see if the library also has a physical copy so that i can look over it and try rewriting it as a writing exercise LOL #i just do not like puzzles i cannot figure out fjdkdl it drives me crazy #also im going to try embroidering the face onto the plushie so we'll see how that works out 👀#i havent done embroidery in a couple yrs fhfjdl #dandy.cmd

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faithisland · 6 months

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fuck man it's so fucking frustrating how I'd probably love to clean and organize if i were ablebodied (or even just didn't have my specific conditions but still the nd traits)

I just can't be moving my head around like crazy. walking while moving my arms, reaching my arms down and immediately up, lowering my head to the ground to reach something and then standing back up, having no momentary neck support at any time, those are the worst for me. I would do any task, honestly. I just feel so fucking trash every time I do these kinds of things. standing is excruciating, moving my arms while doing it literally affects my consciousness to the point where I lose track of what I'm doing (and not in the typical adhd way).

as long as I can stay stationary, particularly partially lounging, I am capable of rational, logical thought. I can think through long term consequences, remember the basic physics of the universe, generally function like I am not an alien to this dimension.

#i literally drop things bc i forget im holdinf them #or i think that idk it wont drop ljke im a fuxking astronaut #i slam into things bc i forget i have a physical form #literally being up and movinf around makes my brain SO dissociated and im SO dizzy and my vision is wonky and i can barely focus on staying #up right #but i can do things like go for walks #its all about how much i move my arms and get up and down #so badically i seem like im faking it🫥#i can do 'fun' things but not work #not paying attention to the faxt that i dont much like the activities im doint #i do them to stay alive and make others happy #and genuinely i am incapable of what would make me happy #WHICH IS WORK #GENUINELY #my life is miserable BECAUSE i cant clean or move around #i hate feeling like i contribute nothing to the ppl i love #i hate not being organized #and i HATE not working so so so so so much #the sad fact is that i just really cant work #i have to somehow get better #even though no one knows whats wrong w me or believes im genion3ly experiencing it #i dont have seizures apparently its normal to collapse and go into spasms w ur eyes rolled back in your head.#apparently thats normal #apparently its fine to hallucinate my whole life and have fainting spells and confusion and disorientation and feel sensations as other thin #gs #thats kusy notmal and not indicitive of ANY neurological priblem #so i should shut up and go away and get some CBT about it #i jusy dont fucking know whatcyh3 fuck i am supposed to do #what am i supposed to do to be able to work

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martsonmars · 2 years

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desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe

#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study #am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more #than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it #it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since #my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm #supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic #and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did #absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the #hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester #and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to #study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't #so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to #actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing #but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days #it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life #right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things #if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax #any other comment would make me feel worse #💖💖💖#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer #and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i #said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)

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mansplainmanipulatemalewife · 2 years

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#turns out pencil shading makes a HUGE mess this is why i should stick to pen #but like i am getting better at faces so...#disco elysium #art #jean vicquemare #i rarely post my physical art but i have to push my ''sexualise jeanvic WITHOUT making him more conventionally attractive'' agenda somehow #yes his appearance and personality are both trash but he's perfect just the way he is and i love him #👉👈 also if yall have any art tips/constructive criticism 👀

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missiodine · 2 years

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tfw you wanna try to play ttrpgs again, but ever since playing a few years ago during a certain two campaigns, you were bullied by people who you thought were your friends because you didn't know how to play and they made up reasons why they should dislike you irl. especially while you tried to be nice to them and give them space and tried to make steps towards interacting with them in rp too.

like no, it wasn't like "oh, it's just character interaction, these characters just don't like each other!" no it was "no joke, I absolutely hate your guts, Miss Iodine, fuck you and I'll be an arse to you in-game and irl. i will ignore everything you and your character say, i will attack your character because why not and say it's just what my character would do, and then start harassing my DMs"

love it when i tried for months to reach out for a proper sit down only to be given a sorry-not-sorry half-assed push the blame onto the victim apology

like yes this lives rent free in my head. you won, if that's what you wanted.

#autumn says stuff #vent #im still so fuckin salty even though its been so long #i just don't understand how people can treat others so terribly and not even think twice about it #never a moment of ‟maybe I did wrong?‟#nah. just tell Miss Iodine ‟You're a problem‟#yes that exact statement was said to me #maybe ‟bully‟ is a cliche word but i dunno what else to call it #like mate i've been nearly stabbed before during what i can only assume was an attempted hate crime. technically i did get hurt ig because #grabbed the knife by the blade as it was being thrusted towards me. i still have the said knife btw. wanna get free knife? just grab it #from your attacker. and then they'll run off because they're a little shit. actually don't do that. don't recommend that. okay so the point #is that yk ive been hurt physically many times but goddamn this situation still hurts emotionally #it was funny when said someone in this group told me i was 'appropriating neurodivergent culture.' mate. mate. wot. im how?#take it from me. im not neurotypical lmao. i thought that was obvious but no. no idea where this even stemmed from tbh because it really #came out of nowhere. also being called a fascist for years by these people for liking worldbuilding and star trek was cool. didn't realize #that fuckin reading old soviet books and playing papers please and minecraft makes me a fascist somehow. but you learned it here.#im still so fucking pissed about that accusation. love that their additional reasoning that im somehow a fascist was that #‟you're getting mad and keep insisting you're not a fascist‟ is proof that you're a fascist. what else am i supposed to do? you haven't #even given an ounce of some so-called mountain of evidence.#its cool that no one cared about what these people did to me. better to retain a friendship with them and never bring up what they did.#better to just alienate miss iodine from the friend group. better to never bring it up. better to forget any of this happened. better to #forget that miss iodine exists.#sometimes i wish i could know what its like to not give a flying fuck about other people. I wonder what it's like to be such a shitty perso #fucking hell.#thought i found home when i first met that group. instead it just reminds me of the home i grew up in.#My biological family (save two cool cousins) is probably a collection of some of the worst people in existence.

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tardis--dreams · 2 years

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Shocking: student with steadily declining physical and mental health who swore that this semester would be different and they would keep on top of things, is currently behind on all their work and assignments and is considering dropping out of university just as it was the case in all previous semesters

#my body is shutting down lol #i feel like mentally I'd be ok if i wasn't limited by my physical 'weakness'#i just feel like it's too much #I'm overwhelmed and feel like i won't manage any more #but i Have to keep going this semester #i can't drop another course #i HAVE to get that degree before the next semester starts #so i Will have to continue working through the days and nights and kinda die a little everyday #when i see how Little i actually got done in 8 hours #like #i know i Have to do more #ideally 12 hours or more #but like #i Can't. Physically it seems impossible. Even if I resist the urge to rest and lie down during the day #i feel like a failure lol #because i mean. i am. everyone is managing somehow but I'm just making excuses #i need to be better #just get some shit done and write that thesis and work those 20 hours per week and do those 4 presentations #and study for those exams and try to keep my apartment in a condition i can live in #because that's currently what i sacrifice for the sake of focusing on uni and work #idk how people do it tbh #i just kinda wish i had someone to talk to about this but i know other people feel the same or have it worse #and i don't wanna sound so whiny and annoying #whatever #shut up amy #university ramblings

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yeonban · 1 year

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He's too tired to even frown, preferring to instead silently look over the city.

#muse: date soma.#* date soma. / ic.#Shoutout to Soma for somehow being even more exhausted than I am despite being fine yesterday 😭#He's not even physically exhausted just. exhausted by life ig; which in hindsight is worse #Not even Naotora feels in the mood to bother him... they're both just sat there in silence. Hi no Moto's most eerie sight #Naotora's ALSO down in the dumps for reasons unknown?? at least he feels a Smidgen better than Soma does but honestly not by much #What got them this down today is beyond me but good luck w whatever it is my kings. hang in there

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technicallyaminecraftsimp · 2 years

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Sometimes irls are just. So much. Maybe it’s because they’re Teenagers(Tm) but it can be so much sometimes.

#they always have stuff planned every single weekend #and it’s always something big #and i never know what it fucking is because I don’t have discord right now #they can just. really be a lot and like so noise and energy and overwhelming #it can be so hard to want to ask for things #like things I wish could be normalized like talking about hyperfixations or any sort of physical touch #I have like. two irls I feel comfortable doing that around #i wish I could have all my mutuals in person :((#somehow I understand tumblr moots so much better. like we are the same creature. I get you guys #if me and my moots could see each other in person things would get insane #I would be so touchy and I could show them all how fucking invested I am in their blorbos and such #I feel like I could understand so much better #anyways #sorry I’m just missing moments that never happened #vent #The Crab Speaks #I DIDNT #I didn’t even mention the sex jokes #it’s so much #sometimes they are funny #they can be so funny haha #but the amount they make #is overwhelming #it’s too much #I can’t even fist pump w/o hearing a dick joke #if I weren’t worried about being alone and outcasted #I would be so #just. so #like shutupshutup please for once just this once w the sex jokes #I get it sex is funny haha but not every moment of my damn life

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celestialmancer · 4 months

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⛈️ //

#tag vent bullshit would highly recommend just scrolling past this if vent bs aint your thing #so run along now for those who would rather avoid. im just tossing in tags bc its easier on me.#anyway… just… …#this stress is really eating me alive & im so tired #ive been crying on & off since yesterday esp w my health taking a swan dive to hell amidst this #but i have to just. deal with.#crying when alone specifically like fuck am i gonna show a damn thing to anyone. fuck no ❤️#esp when it feels like my emotions im feeling are me somehow being manipulative.#because i dont have a right to any of this right. its just a pity party im throwinf for myself.#& yet all these feelings emotions everything i havent processed continue to fester & bubble up to the surface in pure vitriol.#pure hatred & anger bc of it coming from a place of hurt but what does that matter. right? …im just.#i feel manipulative expressing anything. i feel manipulative having feelings. i need to remove them at once. i need them gone at once.#i feel manipulative even so much as talking about situations that hurt me. bc i ‘shoulsnt feel this way’#all this shit to me feels like it just reads as ‘woe is me’ bullshit i hate it so much.#im tired. i dont know. im in distress & emotionally really falling apart but just.#it almost feels more comforting to just let myself bleed out on myself metaphorically speaking than to dare task anyone via asking them #to help me w my own metaphorical wounds. bc then im shoving a burden onto them. & I’m not supposed to do that.#so much for being a pillar of stability for others LMFAOOO. whatever. whatever.#faulty ass pillar that’s just falling apart from being built on an unstable foundation #im tired im tired of hurting both emotionally & physically due to flare ups from the sheer stress as well #& crying feels fucking humiliating & like im just begging for pity.#i shouldnt be fucking crying. i shouldn’t. im supposed to be fine. i say. & at first i was fucking able to fucking.#dissociate & let quinn join me too so i could be fully coldly detached. from it. but thats not happening bc i cant control when she joins #joins front w me. & i almost wish she could take front fully. take front from me fully for as long as this situation keeps going.#even if that means i end up in solitude & w barely much recollection of what may transpire. at least when she’s upfront? i dont have to be.#solitude bc she doesnt like talking to anyone even my own trusted friends.#unless its somehow fucjing necessary but at least w her upfront i just. i dont. have to feel. i can disconnect & forget everything.#i just want to stop fucking falling apart & i have so many unprocessed emotions over this all that feel unacceptable to talk abt STILL.#im that fucking convinced any neg emotion i show is wrong somehow & while ive gotten better w this im still. not. idk. just. w/e. ifg.

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ylkcheeeks · 1 year

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This time it was reading fanfic but it’s really mortifying how a further hour and a half slipped by with me screaming internally bones on fire to go upstairs and go to fucking sleep

And yet

I feel so disappointed in myself for doing nothing and so mad that I can’t bring myself to move. I feel like I am watching a show and want to yell about the frustrating writing to someone but it’s just me

I’m the clown and I’m trying to ask the ticket clerk for my money back.

#nightposting #physically exhausted #psychologically wired #emotionally detached #ah yes the three genders #I have so many thoughts and I am somehow afraid now to put them anywhere #I don’t care for long hand journaling #I grew up on computers so typing feels better #I used to be a firehose at times on lj #but now even though I have so many accounts so many places #I feel like I can’t bring myself to talk about this stuff #and like it is very common and almost mr #almost more embarrassing that I am embarrassed #I’m gonna get canceled for having one cringe emotion obviously #the only way that could go #sarcasm aside I do have concerns about the panopticon effect here #and that I am resisting sharing myself even pseudonymously #because I am worried someone might see it and confirm that I am being silly #or worse #say something pitying with absolute wide eyed sincerity #it sucks and I hate myself #but I don’t enjoy that and don’t want to be more vulnerable or at risk of being reminded of my weakness when it is not front of mind #so I will toss off a dry bon mot #offering some caveat or context so as to assuage them and dismiss the topic #[vibrating intensifies]#I feel like a full body version of how I feel when I think about all the month long art challenges I have failed at

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