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#so much for being a pillar of stability for others LMFAOOO. whatever. whatever.
celestialmancer
·
1 month
Text
⛈️ //
#tag vent bullshit would highly recommend just scrolling past this if vent bs aint your thing
#so run along now for those who would rather avoid. im just tossing in tags bc its easier on me.
#anyway… just… …
#this stress is really eating me alive & im so tired
#ive been crying on & off since yesterday esp w my health taking a swan dive to hell amidst this
#but i have to just. deal with.
#crying when alone specifically like fuck am i gonna show a damn thing to anyone. fuck no ❤️
#esp when it feels like my emotions im feeling are me somehow being manipulative.
#because i dont have a right to any of this right. its just a pity party im throwinf for myself.
#& yet all these feelings emotions everything i havent processed continue to fester & bubble up to the surface in pure vitriol.
#pure hatred & anger bc of it coming from a place of hurt but what does that matter. right? …im just.
#i feel manipulative expressing anything. i feel manipulative having feelings. i need to remove them at once. i need them gone at once.
#i feel manipulative even so much as talking about situations that hurt me. bc i ‘shoulsnt feel this way’
#all this shit to me feels like it just reads as ‘woe is me’ bullshit i hate it so much.
#im tired. i dont know. im in distress & emotionally really falling apart but just.
#it almost feels more comforting to just let myself bleed out on myself metaphorically speaking than to dare task anyone via asking them
#to help me w my own metaphorical wounds. bc then im shoving a burden onto them. & I’m not supposed to do that.
#so much for being a pillar of stability for others LMFAOOO. whatever. whatever.
#faulty ass pillar that’s just falling apart from being built on an unstable foundation
#im tired im tired of hurting both emotionally & physically due to flare ups from the sheer stress as well
#& crying feels fucking humiliating & like im just begging for pity.
#i shouldnt be fucking crying. i shouldn’t. im supposed to be fine. i say. & at first i was fucking able to fucking.
#dissociate & let quinn join me too so i could be fully coldly detached. from it. but thats not happening bc i cant control when she joins
#joins front w me. & i almost wish she could take front fully. take front from me fully for as long as this situation keeps going.
#even if that means i end up in solitude & w barely much recollection of what may transpire. at least when she’s upfront? i dont have to be.
#solitude bc she doesnt like talking to anyone even my own trusted friends.
#unless its somehow fucjing necessary but at least w her upfront i just. i dont. have to feel. i can disconnect & forget everything.
#i just want to stop fucking falling apart & i have so many unprocessed emotions over this all that feel unacceptable to talk abt STILL.
#im that fucking convinced any neg emotion i show is wrong somehow & while ive gotten better w this im still. not. idk. just. w/e. ifg.
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