#my body is shutting down lol
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Forever Sleepy
#personal#im so god damn tired today especially#had a venti coffee and im still exhausted#my body is shutting down lol
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Shocking: student with steadily declining physical and mental health who swore that this semester would be different and they would keep on top of things, is currently behind on all their work and assignments and is considering dropping out of university just as it was the case in all previous semesters
#my body is shutting down lol#i feel like mentally I'd be ok if i wasn't limited by my physical 'weakness'#i just feel like it's too much#I'm overwhelmed and feel like i won't manage any more#but i Have to keep going this semester#i can't drop another course#i HAVE to get that degree before the next semester starts#so i Will have to continue working through the days and nights and kinda die a little everyday#when i see how Little i actually got done in 8 hours#like#i know i Have to do more#ideally 12 hours or more#but like#i Can't. Physically it seems impossible. Even if I resist the urge to rest and lie down during the day#i feel like a failure lol#because i mean. i am. everyone is managing somehow but I'm just making excuses#i need to be better#just get some shit done and write that thesis and work those 20 hours per week and do those 4 presentations#and study for those exams and try to keep my apartment in a condition i can live in#because that's currently what i sacrifice for the sake of focusing on uni and work#idk how people do it tbh#i just kinda wish i had someone to talk to about this but i know other people feel the same or have it worse#and i don't wanna sound so whiny and annoying#whatever#shut up amy#university ramblings
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is your wrist brace helping?
I think it is! I've only have it for like two days and I put it on when I'm feeling pain but I think it helps! I also got an ankle compression sleeve bc apparently I'm just breaking down at the joints lol.
#honestly the hardest part was accepting I needed them#I had an honest to god breakdown in the cvs bc I've always seen the memes of “oh the random pains? That's bc you're thirty have fun”#I'm eighteen#why am I going through something thirty year olds are going through#sometimes it felt like my body was shutting down on me lol#sascha speaks up#asking an ace#not ace culture
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chipmunk posting is not over because i still have much of the show to watch and want to watch it. but i had this very amusing revelation yesterday that i pigeon holed myself with chipmunks. i've gotten out of it enough to be able to joke about it now, but last month was an incredibly dark and hard and tumultuous month and i was at some of the lowest i've been in years and years. and i used the chipmunks to help get me through that. and yesterday i was on a walk and listening to music when a chipmunks song came on my playlist and it's like. you know how when you go through a bad breakup or life event or something, and there are songs you listened to help get you through that, and then once you're out of that you can't listen to those songs anymore because they immediately transport you back to that place. yeah. well that's evidently me now with ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS. CHIPMUNKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my life is beyond parody. i can't believe this. it couldn't be a depressing song or movie or whatever like everyone else. it has to be the chipmunks.
#my body was physically shutting down from the mental and physical exhaustion and burnout and when that song came on i felt it suddenly#return to me and was like Oh my god#shoutout to the chipmunks for helping me cope through it and Duck Dodgers for pulling me out of it#i'm still a bit wobbly on me feet and maybe entertaining the idea of a (mostly) social media break but i'm much better than i was#promise i will answer all asks and DMsssssss thank you for your patience with that seriously#but anyhoo. yes. chipmunk posting WILL RESUME! i just maybe need a breather the wound is a little fresh lol
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Every day at work I’m like, “When I get home I’m going to finish my WIP and catch up on my art studies and chat on discord and refill the queue and check out the cool stuff my mutuals have been posting-”
But when I get home and just
#begging for a day where I come home and don’t feel sick or tired ;v;#in short - sorry for the inactivity ☠️#the second I see my bed my whole body just shuts down - nap time#my personal life has been very neglected lately lol#I speak occasionally#delete later
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*tucks hair behind ear* having mutuals is the best <3
#crow talks#mraw msfkmdskmdksfmjidfj#i need to relax or else i'll get so overwhelmed my body will force shut down me lol (make me sleepy i go to sleep earlier)
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genuinely fucking asking . do they sell inhalers for like panic attacks. because every time ive had a panic attack around my asthmatic friend and she gives me her inhaler it deadass helps so fucking much
#ik its a prescription but I feel like the correlation is way too fucking strong for there not to be something here#im having a panic attack rn for reference but it is very much substance induced and im like okay I just cnanot lie down because the moment#I lie down it feels like my lungs stop working. but like its manageable when im sitting up#do NOT mix Focalin and caffeine !!!! it worked last time but NOT TODAY!!! noted!#idk if you'd even call that a panic attack but like my body isn't shutting down like as long as im sitting up I can manage. but dude I laid#down just now and I swore I saw the light for like 2 minutes. and by god was I panicking!! and still am about things! but mostly abt not#being able to breathe#anyway this post turned into something else lol#im not having a heart attack I promise#but inhalers are sort of like hard reset buttons on breathing right . I just feel like maybe we should consider this
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Silly goofy StanNarrator (Patreon)
#Doodles#The Stanley Parable#TSP#Silly mode leftover doodles from my alt notebook#I wasn't as concerned with making these finished or pretty but they did turn out cute >:3c#Since I've established that Sinister thinks in images the next logical step is imagining the Narrator - and he hates that ✨#He is not made to be perceived! He is an imageless entity! A total enigma! Lol#If we as an audience can imagine what a Narrator might look like - to the best of our abilities - I don't see why Stanley wouldn't#Even if he's not Exact - personally I don't think it matters lol the Narrator isn't /meant/ to have a fixed form imo - it's still flustering#You give him so much material to work with Narra! To imagine what face you might make or your body language#Or worst yet when he plays with the mental projection like a doll - much like what the Narrator does to Stanley hehehe#How does it feel to be ''made'' to do things that wouldn't reflect you! It's an interesting role reversal that works within their confines#Also makes me wonder how much Narra would play into it haha - if Stanley ''flipped him upside down'' would he get dizzy? Even a little?#To what degree is he real! To what degree is Stanley real if he's not being interacted with!! The themes!!!! <3#Anyway lol ♪ Silly Stanley noise chart for funsies#There are a lot of sounds humans can make with their mouths even discounting vocal cords - I could definitely see him doing verbal stims#Who me projecting again? Psh no anyway (lol)#And then some kisses! This is my first time drawing my versions kissing!!! Which actually solidified a new headcanon for the Narrator haha#Because he (ostensibly) needs his mouth to narrate he doesn't like kisses on the mouth :) He weak to it!#Doesn't stop Sin from enjoying kissing him lol - it's a good way to shut up him In Case of Power Play#But sometimes♪ he'll try to respect his wishes - not all the time tho haha
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had what I thought was a 35mg gummy last night....turned out to be 350mg o.o AMA
#I thought when people said they 'thought they were going to die' after taking too much it was in a panic attack sort of sense#turns out nope physiologically I thought my body was shutting down lmao#also was at work at 5:45 this morning LOL
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either the day should have more hours or i should require Less Sleep ajkdsfhgd
#personal#i am permanently sleepy#i slept in this morning bc my body just shut down lol#and suddenly it was 10am and i was like ajdskfhg and i woke up to like 3 missed calls and several messages
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Guess who's ill again! : D
#it's from over exertion. I've been nonstop since i moved between unpacking doing copious amounts of laundry and#walking through almost 40°c heat every day this week to get my kid to swimming lessons my body finally shut down last night#and today I'm exhausted but guess what? still have to walk and added grocery shop with D today#haha I'm probably gonna pass out :) and not in the go to bed way. so looking forward to that /s lol#I have a terrible friggin headache that has last 2 days so far x.x
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It's funny how my psychiatrist and psych nurses are all so supportive about my as of yet undiagnosed physical issues and do their best to keep those in mind when we discuss my care. Meanwhile GP and qualified doctors either tell me to "not compare my googling to their medical degree" or go all "yeah EDS sounds quite likely actually but there's no point diagnosing that since it cannot be cured anyway"
#the fact that eds + pots + fibromyalgia ALL run in the family doesnt matter apparently#throwback to last year when visiting that side and someone not even related who was there took ONE look at me and sibling and went#''omg you really ARE related!!!'' after they saw our fucked up overy bendy joints#i guess i have to pay for having unusually good psychiatric care compared to most lmaoooo#would have been lovely to know whats wrong though before the painful surgeries#im incoherent cause my pulse started racing to the point i couldnt form words or even stand#its calmed down now but i feel so distraught over recovering from psychosis finally#only for my body to break down even more#i dont know how to not feel despair and hopelessness#im so tired of the pain and exhaustion and not being able to do even basic things#so tired of staring at my ceiling so often because i cant even lift my head#i should make a specific whining tag because i should shut up about this but i cant#idk what itd be thougy im too sad and upset rn#im sorry#silvi talks#<- can at least block that if tired of my yapping#im open for tag name suggestions#maybe ''silvi is crying screaming throwing up'' lol#idk
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#man I really need to shut up#but.#how are you supposed to just keep going and going and going when you constantly have to calculate how tired any activity will make you and#which parts of your body will be in pain snd/or useless for a few days? like if I do x now I won't be able to use my hands for anything for#at least two days. that kinda thing#how am I supposed to work like this. it's been tolerable lately but even like this. I have to sit down for a bit after every. little. task#and often I just wake up in the morning knowing it'll be a bad day for no reason. I have no energy and everything hurts and it's just shit#but I need to find a job. I need to. so I need to get over it. I need to somehow figure out how to sleep at the right time and how to feel#okay enough to do shit when I have to do it#and if you're ever stupid enough to mention any of this around anyone all you get is 'lol just wait until you're my age' or 'you're too#young for that' or just that 🤨 look#all I want is to be normal and to be able to do all the things I'm supposed to do (and be able to do)#I'm not sick. I'm not disabled. there is nothing wrong with me. so why am I like this
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wouldn't it be funny if I could write again lollollol........
#got a very sweet comment on a fic today and I was like oh my god. oh my goddddddd. ppl *still* like my stuff.#ppl still like my silly little stupid little stuff that I had stupid silly fin working on & it's dumb and silly but I shared it!#and ppl like it!#and I'm like not pushing myself anymore. like before I was kinda trying to force shit to happen#like sitting in bed with an open notebook/laptop like CREATE BITCH!#and I'm not doing that anymore lol and being on my meds has really made me feel SO much better#but also like I just don't.... have any ideas anymore. can't rotate blorbo like a rotisserie chicken anymore#I lay down to go to sleep now and because my body is not operating under severe extreme toxic anxiety levels anymore#I just fckn fall asleep. like I'm OUT. good night. sleepin. snoozin. zonked. 7+ hours.#no more blorbo thoughts at the end of the day I'm TIRED and my brain FINALLY shuts off#I hope one day I'll write again. I had so much fun with it. I have had a couple Thoughts#since I have been on my meds#but they're nothing more than a few quick sentences scrawled in a notebook.#it's like I'm doing so much other stuff and having fun in other ways and SLEEPING FINLALLY SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY#there's just like zero processing left for original blorbo ideas#this doesn't make sense and I bet you were all relieved cause I haven't ranted in tags in like months but hahaha#🤡 I STAY HONKIN'!!!! 🤡#(I'm actually really in a really good place mentally rn I promise like the best I've felt in years I'm just ahhh!! tonight lol)#erin explains it all
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what are some major events that happened in your lord eclipse au? and do ones similar to canon like old moon sending him a wither storm go differently?
is there special events that eclipse, Sun, or that one of the followers made around him? does he have activities he likes to do in general?
OH MAN. I'm gunna be honest, I'm actually not entirely sure about the first question?? The timeline/canon I have is very loose and changes from scenario to scenario, but I suppose a few events that are pretty consistent are "The Centipede-ening", Eclipse's fall from grace (isolation from his followers due to boredom) with unwavering loyalty happening somewhere around that time period, Moon n Lunar show up... and then i Guess they release the wither storm?? Though, I do like to replace the wither storm with something that isn't. The Minecraft Story Mode Wither Storm LMAOSJWLDK
After that, though, I usually divide into two different outcomes from there and either go "Sunvant dies and slowly heals in the afterlife with his Moon, Lunar, and Bloodmoon" or "Moon and Lunar takes Sunvant back home with them and he slowly heals in the main tsams universe." Both are varying levels of angsty and bittersweet so he has to endure Healing Horrors no matter what LMAO
ALSO YES ‼️ I actually started making a small list of events/important days for Lord Eclipse's world (before getting distracted so there's only one date on it LMAO 😭) but I imagine that some days were sort of... pre-installed?? by Eclipse, like his primary day of worship (which is June 1st bc that's when he first started existing!), but some events may be entirely made by the rest of the followers! I just. dunno what those events would be yet LOL. I could also absolutely see Sun making his own personal special days that revolve around Lord Eclipse just so he feels like he's especially faithful tbh!
#asks#anon#lord eclipse au#I HOPE THIS SUFFICES LOL 😭#there's several more ideas i have that are either just... too small to mention or i'm just unsure if i actually wanna implement it#like monty saying something to sun that he—as sunvant—havent ever told monty and he's like#what? why do you know that about me?#and monty's like ah. uhm. just... forget i ever said anything.#sun asking lord eclipse if he'd ever get his own stained glass window someday—'you know. since you've appointed me as your servant?'#and lord eclipse immediately shuts down the idea with a guilt trippy 'why would you want such a thing? you'd take attention away from me.-#-do you want to make people forget who they're supposed to be worshipping here?'#OH OH#IVE ALSO THOUGHT ABT THE IDEA OF THERE BEING A GROUP OF DISSENTERS THAT WANT TO DETHRONE LORD ECLIPSE AND SUN ENDS UP JOINING THEM SOMEHOW#i have never thought of a single good ending for that idea tho LMAOOO 😭#it always ends with Sun cowering under the furious gaze of Eclipse while surrounded by the bodies of all the people who had been involved#POINT IS: THERE'S SEVERAL THINGS I ENTERTAIN THAT I DONT RLLY TALK ABT BC. SHRIG#MY OWN SELF INDULGENCE COMES FIRST WITH THIS AU I WONT EVEN LIE SORRYSJSHSJFN#centiclipse#sunvant
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was going to go to a friends house tn but im feeling (sparkle emoji) congested (sparkle emoji) so i suppose i am watching stars hockey against my will... we ball
#my body is shutting down i think#horrific congestion. my eyesight has been really blurry for like a month. nothing that is supposed to help my eyelids is helping#various other things i wont be sharing on tumblr dot com. lol#happy new year and such#yap yap yapping
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