#so that I can apply for a job I can actually make money at
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#i cannot with the job search right now#I either seem to be grossly overqualified for most of the jobs in my are or grossly underqualified#it’s like there’s no in-between#and I have to limit myself to specific types of jobs to boost my immigration points^TM but I don’t seem to qualify for any of those because#surprise-surprise: they’re way outside my field of study#I don’t know what’s gonna happen next month#my work permit ends so what’s the point anyway.#guess I should just apply for schools#so that I can apply for a job I can actually make money at#I was tempted to re-apply to my previous university for the PhD programme because they know me there#but there isn’t a single person there who would want to be my thesis advisor#there is a guy there who has similar research interests#but I’m almost convinced he hates me now#ughhhhghggghhhhhhhh#I’m just gonna go lay face down in the river now thanks
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Good Omens s2 e2 | minisode A Companion to Owls
#good omens#good omens 2#good omens 2 spoilers#aziraphale#crowley#job#sitis#bildad the shuhite#(gotta give him his own tag)#s2e2 'the clue'#minisode 'a companion to owls'#goodomensgifs#goodomensedit#idk just a collection of shots i liked/wanted to edit#a *truly unhinged* amount of work went into the last gif and you can barely tell it's moving T_T#but once my brain has An Idea it will not let go#(the actual shot is a slow zoom out but i didn't want it to move#so i ... did a lot of resizing work on individual frames...#if only i could apply that sort of dedication to something that makes me money lol)#gifs#i made this
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cancelling my therapy appointment for this month (on the 4th) because i really just dont have it in me to hav to walk in there and tell her about how much a failure i am & have been since we last talked n sit in her judgement & scolding for an hour straight
#also we do not have the money for it anyway#n my mom makes sure i know that#whihc only makes my anxiety worse#all my progress feels like it's been washed away#n i know if i go she'll just tell me im the only one who can help myself#but i dont know how#and i dont have the energy i am just scared#soso scared n tired n alone#even when i push myself 2 apply for jobs none of them ever get back to me#i feel like im even losing the ability to talk w the person im closest to#im just shutting down n i hate that#i feel so boring#i feel so useless#& i am just so fucking scared that its gonna get worse n theyre gonna hate me or im gonna get too bad n isolate myself n lose them#& it's gonna be all my fault because i didnt fix myself like im supposed to be able to#i cant even make my body look right when it's the one thing i actually know how to do#something ive done before
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You're more amazing than wheat
You're more amazing than job applications
#asks#unfortunately the coveted job of “professional kittycat” is out of my reach :(#in an alternate timeline i got popular by writing cute cuddly kink stories and got rich off of patreon#alas. the kitty must work#but my mom bought donuts and is letting me have 1 for each job i apply to as motivation#it's working#definitely needed the motivation because i graduated in june and have spent 2 full months just chilling#not exactly eager to work#but my life will be better when i can buy a fursuit and magic cards and art commissions and skirts and donuts and a chastity cage and#okay but that list was actually kinda hard to make because i kinda already have everything i want#i have a computer an internet connection and a fuckload of games and that's like 90% of what i want#i would like to live in my own little house but that's a long ways away#i mainly just want to keep my free time but i can't mooch off of my parents forever#i need to either take the reins on my life or find someone who wants to adopt a nerdy kitty cat#and as fun as it sounds in fantasy the second option is far too risky irl without a fallback plan#risky both in terms of 'what if they're mean?' and 'what if i don't actually like it?'#so taking the reins it is#if i get lucky then i can make a lot of money and retire early and then just chill forever
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Actually it was surreal as hell to look at my transcript today. I've got all but 3 classes done or in WIP. I'd have to Severely fuck up to fail any of my classes this semester, by this point. Which I don't think will happen. Honestly I might even get straight A's for the first time in college. Which would be cool!!!
So just three classes left. Just three. It's so wild. I'm pretty excited.
#speculation nation#for the first time i actually glanced at the 'apply for graduation' option#to graduate at the end of spring id have to apply by sometime in february.#idk i'll bring it up with the advisor tomorrow. make sure im actually good to graduate with these 3 classes.#part of the problem is the fact that i didnt see the classes i have to take 2 of on the offered list#which makes me nervous about whether theyre even available next semester. and what id have to do to take them.#alternative options? or *waiting*? thatd be even worse. so im not sure yet.#the other thing is that my major started requiring students to take an internship in order to graduate#but since ive taken a long ass time my index year aka when k started doesnt have that as a requirement.#at least that's what my last advisor said :p so im nervous about if this new one says differently.#an internship would certainly be useful for getting work experience and resume padding#but i never wanted to before bcus i needed to work my job. that paid me Money. unlike the probable internship.#and also i dont have my license and i DEFINITELY dont want to TRAVEL. what would i do with my cats#?????#so i havent done an internship. and i dont intend to. but if he says it's actually required then id have to work to get one over summer#etc etc. then graduation would be delayed.#i really really hope it doesnt turn out like that. i really Really want to just be done already. by the end of spring.#spring 25 give it up for graduating spring 25#i was originally class of 19 lol but i like 25 better. in terms of numbers.#class of 15 for high school and 25 for college... yes#and YEAH it's taken me 10 years😭😭😭😭 thats why i dont want it to take any longer 😭😭😭😭 im so close i just wanna be DONE WITH IT!!!!!!#so fucking close i can taste it. im halfway done with my current semester too. So Fucking Close...
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guys tell me i’m being silly for being disappointed that i didn’t get a call back today for a job i applied to friday
#like#logically i know i’m being silly#but after a year of applying for jobs and getting literally not a SINGLE call back#no interviews#they’re not even CALLING ME BACK#literally. an entire YEAR i have been applying with NOTHING coming back#i am just so completely disheartened#and of course this is a job that i desperately want#it makes good money and it’s doing something i am ACTUALLY GOOD AT#so of course i don’t expect a call back#but it’s for a company that a dear friend is a Valued Employee™️ at#so i was a referral#and networking is supposed to be the only way anyone gets a job#so like ????? 🤷♀️#but i just don’t expect anything good to happen at this point#everything is just worse year after year#so why the hell would i think i have anything more than a popsicle’s chance in Hell?????#ITS BEEN A YEAR OF NOT GETTING CALLED BACK#Hermes my man if you can do ANYTHING at all#i will idk#steal the declaration of independence or smn#ok no no i can’t actually follow through on that#i already need to build a Hermes altar in my new place#that was the deal#girl help
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got my first shift at my first Real Job tmrw night ending at 1am wml😔😔😔
#i love how flexible the shifts are and they're all really short it's like ideal for me but also. omfg. scary 😭#gritting my teeth. i need money to leave this shithole country and i need a job to get money it's fine. this is fine#it's literally so discouraging to know ppl in the west have minimum wages of like 15 euros meanwhile it's literally 3 eur here#like even if you work hard you're only earning a fraction of what you could be if you were doing the same shit out there😭#just like. the inherent agony of knowing im earning money that's gonna be way less valuable out there#but im not on minimum wage and it's flexible but shoulddd be around 5 - 15 euros an hour#it's the only reason i even applied at least this way i can tell myself im actually making a positive dent in my savings#idek how much i have saved rn coz i never spend on anything and I've been saving since i knew what money was#but forint is literally not worth the paper it's printed on anymore like man i remember when#a euro was worth 200 forint.... i literally have the same coins i did when i was 10 but they're worth less than half as much now. crazy#man I should've gone into economics or global politics for real i love this shit. whatever that's a whole different spiral#barking
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context: my main plan for 2024 in my journal was "figure out the future & what I'm going to do & where I'm going to live" thinking about summer maybe except last friday during a particularly bad work-related depressive episode I went, fuck it I'm leaving here and found a site and applied for cheap studios in cork and dublin basically in the middle of the night. when I got better I started wondering if I REALLY wanted to leave and may have acted too soon without thinking it through as usual but decided that, you know, what's meant to happen will happen.
then this morning when I was washing my breakfast dishes I dropped a bowl on top of my favourite (and very durable) glass and the glass just snapped in half. at first I was upset but then I laughed thinking, guess this means everything is going to work out and I'm moving out, thanks!! and when I got back from work I found out that not only did I get a place in dublin but my top pick at that. I cannot believe this. the fucking glass. and it was actually still stable so I glued it back together to use for a plant or something. I fixed it. I wonder what it means. anyway. looks like things will work out after all
(it's got a dragon and that's why it's my favourite. out of two. the other one I just use for measuring rice.)
#personal#sofi.txt#text#multiple thoughts in my head#if superstition then why does it work?#the funniest thing is that i overthink tiny things but make big life changing decisions on impulse but somehow they're right#it was so random too because the cork apartment (which i wanted but got declined) was available since may so that's the date i applied for#even with the others#so i'm left with may but 4 months is the perfect amount of time to find a job and still save enough money here to make the move ok#the place is basically a shed in a lady's garden the size of my current living room but it's extremely cool and has everything one needs#and more than i have here in some cases. a DESK#it doesn't look unlike my childhood dream home tbh#and. thinking of palestinians living in tents who don't even have the one room and how lucky i am to be able to have that#or leave this small town willingly for the sake of my own wellbeing and go elsewhere just like this & safe 😭#dublin has all the major events though and i feel like i can do more there and actually join ipsc (
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me: yeah so we haven't had a meeting about it yet, but I asked my coworkers about past interns and why they left; chances are they won't hire me full time at my internship immediately. However, the chances of having it extended are pretty good, and I like what I'm doing, and they're going to be talking about budget in July. Sure my finances are a little tight but--
my sperm donor (only slightly exaggerated): look for a new job immediately and tell them if they won't hire you full time you're leaving. and no, I don't care if you don't find something in your industry and you have to settle for a job that will make you hate being alive even more than you already do. Also I'm going to ignore how long it took you to find this internship to begin with
me:
#dylawa rambles#dylawa rants#this man gives zero fucks about actually seeing me go into what I fucking trained to do he just wants me to make him money#i am literally sick to my stomach right now thinking about job hunting again#'i want to see you successful and happy' okay why are you still charging me rent then#why are you making job hunting even more of a traumatic experience than it already is#literally said to him 'I don't trust my chances of finding a new job within two months' and his response: 'oh well go work customer service#it took me MONTHS to find just this internship and it's a miracle it's paid at all#it's in a nice office with nice people and i have my own computer and they feed me almost daily!#i'll live another six months in this hellhole if it means I get a guaranteed post-internship job like this#is it the ideal job? absolutely the hell not#the commute sucks i don't have work from home so i can't get away with doing other shit on the side#i feel limited in what the role requires of me vs what I'd like to make#but good fuck it's better than food service or retail#but nooooo he needs me to be his little rent cash cow without him feeling guilty about it#very tempted to bail even if it means I start eating through my savings a little bit#I don't know if I can go through the daily interrogations of 'did you apply? why aren't you hearing back? it's your fault' again#i have somewhere to go but I'm trying to keep it very 'last resort' territory#A) it would make my current work commute twice as long#B) it would require completely burning bridges with my old man bc I'd have to move out in secret#not just because i don't want him to know where the people who are sheltering me live#but also because if he saw that place even if he was willingly letting me move out he'd say 'absolutely not'#because I don't trust him not to do something weird. not necessarily DANGEROUS but. weird.#I want to burn all bridges someday!#but even now that I own my car it's still not the safest course of action#I'm so sick of being stuck dawg!#dylawa vents
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Why did I get paranoid about how no one has checked the work I submitted yet. It’s literally Sunday
#i mean i signed up for this last night in like the middle of the night#but i guess they either automate the sign up procedure or they have saturday office hours#it is based in the usa so if they work saturday afternoons they will have gotten my stupid application at a regular time#oh it’s freelance work. it’s basically just writing and proofreading#i just want to get approved so i can actually do the thing and then i can make at least a little money and not completely lose my mind#as i continue searching for a job. and also! when i get asked about the gap in my resume i can be like ‘yeah so i was actually freelancing’#it will also make the job search a bit less urgent and calm me down a bit if i have an income stream in the meantime. i think#like i won’t have to apply to stuff i genuinely can’t do just because i need a job (like factories or care work. neither of which i should#probably really be doing on account of the dodgy knee)#but yeah. i was sooooo paranoid but literally… i did like 16 different example tasks for them. it took me well over an hour so it’ll#probably take a lot of time for them to mark it#i just hope they don’t reject it. that would be embarrassing as fuck. ma in english; i’m qualified to teach esl AND high school english…….#if i fail at proofreading i will simply just cry#the thing i feel like could screw me is i didn’t really understand the guidelines on maybe the first task or two because i can’t read#apparently. also i use british spellings and it’s an american company. i also didn’t realise grammarly was there and ‘helping’ me for a hot#minute. i was like ‘what are those squiggly lines for’#look if they don’t want to keep me i’ll just keep scouring the subreddits and find something similar. it’s fine. it’s all good#this would just be perfect for me because i love writing and i love correcting other people’s mistakes lol#personal
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Venty stuff in tags ignore me I’m just screaming into the void about chronic pain/illness
#I road home with my mom from work yesterday and she just straight up asked how I was going to cope working full time#when part time takes such a huge toll on me physically#cause after working just 8-5 I’ll be bed ridden in pain for a good 12 hrs afterwards#she was like “listen I know you want to get a full time job but can you actually handle it?#BIG sigh#I feel so trapped cause idk man maybe I can’t handle that but do I really have a choice?????#I wish I could go to a doctor and get help and documentation so I can apply for disability at least#but hey guess what? I need healthcare to go to the doctor#and hey guess what else? I need a full time job to get healthcare#I’m in pain every day and so so so tired and I just want to work like everyone else and make money to fund my stupid little dreams#@ life hey throw me a bone dude I’m trying to fucking hard giving 110% every day and ain’t shit paid off for over 2 years#moss vents
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the austrian state once more coming in clutch by giving me money just for existing.
#lily talks#as it should be#as much as i bitch and make fun of this place#that is actually so neat#mainly bc i did not have to apply for this#you just get it#no forms to fill out#nothing#cosidering i hail from the country of forms upon forms upon forms this is absolutely mindblowing#like germany has a lot of financial support things you can apply for which is neat#but the process is such a fucking pain in the ass#i've been trying to get exempt from paying for german tv for over a year now#but they just wont do it even if i don't live there anymore#i'll likely get my money back once the finally approve the application but god is it annoying#(or my friend who applied for government support bc when she didn't have a job and instead of getting any money they just billed her lmao)#anyway#while this isn't a huge amount in the grand scheme of things i still think it's pretty damn neat
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keep saying i don't want 2 work another retail xmas but canNOT 4 the life of me make myself finish my goddamn fucking job applications !!!!!! death & dying & despair etc. etc.
#i dont dislike the application process for gc jobs on principle BUT#it does not mesh well w/ my difficulties re: starting & finishing tasks#but like i understand why u cant just send in a resume n hit done#NOT that there are many IT listings up atm...... and ill apply 4 clerical/admin stuff too#but an IT-1 STARTS a good $10k a year higher than a CR-5 soooooo :///#which is whatever its fine money isnt everything!! ill gladly make less if it means not hating my job!!!#but i also wanna. u know. LIVE. move out of my parents house. buy brand name snacks occasionally. maybe -gasp- go on a vacation#(not 2 say i dont make an attempt at travel now but thats with very finite savings that are def only going down not up)#also extremely frustrating 2 me the emphasis put on having a degree that completely locks me out of certain job categories#like. yes. there are for sure some where having the bg knowledge is important eg. an AU (auditor/accountant) or MA (methodologist)#and there are certain skills a degree (in theory) provides eg critical thinking research etc.#but not all of us have $40k+ to get tge fancy piece of paper saying we have those things. and u can have those skills w/o a degree#and smth like an EC which needs a degree in economics sociology or statistics is so arbitrary#and maybe not necessarily actually based in the majority of work done by the majority of positions in that category#ANYWAYS not me being bitter abt education standards YET AGAIN lol#idek if i could go to uni even if i could afford it. even tho i have 2 college diplomas id probably have 2 redo my grade 12 english 😶🌫️#also if money were no object id probably go for like. film studies or smth lol not sociology#tho. ngl. if i had the willpower and determination 4 smth so rigorous (i 100% dont) accounting does seem. interesting asdffhkkfdghh#ANYWAYS pt. 2 all this 2 say this is why i instead spent $10k+ on the only possible 2 yr diploma#that can still get u in2 the higher paying public service jobs. even tho ive discovered i Dont Particularly Care for programming. :(#thats an understatement actually i was actively in hell for like 80% of that program and the remaining 20% mostly wasnt coding
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Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that
#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them#I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I#think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills.#and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo#don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is#I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin#I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one#I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to#those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely#that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism#sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim#so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and#miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work#any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to#STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying#to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill#just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t#ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their#careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I#have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that#doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live#in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and#struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything#better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of#this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do#to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it.#I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps#kaz rambles
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bro i've like completely run out of steam on applying for jobs LOL
#apparently need my mom to yell at me again :| worked last time ig lmfao#it's ........ my bday week ig so i'm ... taking .... a break ..... 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀#no literally i spent the weekend doing fun stuff bc weekend#yesterday didn't do ANYTHING today didn't do ANYTHING#not gonna do anything tmrw LOL#next week im going home aka not gonna do anything / going on a trip even tho it's not rly a trip i want to go on lmao#but still not gonna be productive applying for jobs#i have one with a deadline for like the 12th or something i should at least do that 😭😭😭😭#i did so well getting ahead on some of my application deadlines#like i'm waiting to hear back from jobs and i like have to remind myself the deadline was like the 15th#and the posting said they were gonna wait to review the applications LOL#but now they're coming up again and i don't wanna do it :|#i'll do some of my current research job so i feel productive and make some money LOL#i also have to email that research professor if i can stay on the team next yr / like do more or smth#but also she has covid or smth so i feel bad bothering her 😀#but i'll probably try to do that this week too 😭😭#ugh anyway lemme actually do some work then LOL just not job applying work 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀#jeanne talks
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Am I ever gonna get out of my hometown
#I know I'm still young but I feel like I'll be here forever#I think that's why even though I struggle with change because neurodivergency I'm still obsessed with media themed around change#I don't even plan to stay at the job I applied to and am still waiting to hear back from forever#but going back to the same school even for a first job kinda makes me feel like I'm stuck and I'll be stuck here my whole life#at this point I'm considering just being a drifter and living in hotels so I can travel all the time and never stay in one spot#just taking a rotation of clothes and a few personal belongings with me#then again how do I do that without making money at a steady regular job these days#do people actually do that anymore and how do I do it#idfk I hate it here
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