#dylawa vents

[dylawas-reblogs]

So I only occasionally look at my tumblr activity, yknow, see if anyone thought anything I reblogged was cool enough to comment on, and I get to one post I reblogged where OP took a screenshot of all my "proship/antiship" tags and said "The equivalent of watching the neighborhood kid chuck rocks at a beehive."

First of all, it just felt... kind of rude? I could be reading WAY too deep into it though. That is absolutely not impossible on my part. I dunno, unless someone is being especially stupid, cruel, or ignorant (or it's a funny addition deserving of praise), I've never understood the culture of screenshots and callouts on tumblr posts. This was like, the emotional opposite of "how dare you hide this in the tags."

Second, if someone were to search for those tags I use in Tumblr's search, my reblog of that post wouldn't even come up; those were tags on a reblog, not an original post. AFAIK, tumblr tag searches only bring up original posts. My usage (or overuse) of tags on a reblog would have minimal bearing on people finding me, unless they're the kind of person to look into a post's notes commonly (which, I don't, unless I'm using a post for a blocklist-- usually for TERFs. Is that a normal thing? Do people commonly look in the notes of any post?).

Third, I use all those tags specifically so I cover all my bases for things people want to blacklist, and maybe I'll tag something someone already has blacklisted so they don't have to add another one in the first place. It's like how some people will tag every variation of "blood" or "trigger warning: blood" that they can think of, hoping to be able to spare any new blog viewers from something they've already decided they don't want to see.

Fourth, and finally, all those tags are the equivalent of the bright colors on a poisonous creature. "Don't eat me, it won't be pleasant for either of us." People who use their brains will at worst be mildly annoyed by it; people who think that murdering a character equates to irl murderous predispositions will likely run screaming-- if the post content itself wasn't enough.

[dylawa]

[Are you tired of me yet?]

[Buy me a Ko-fi?] [Wanna commission?] 

[dylawas-reblogs]

So there are a lot of things I like about my job, and there are a lot of things that I don't. Obviously the main thing is it's part time in an outbound call center and I don't have option to go full-time (not that I would anyway, it's a freaking call center and I'm already going insane on just 30 hours), so that's definitely an issue, but on the inverse, requesting time off doesn't have to be 2 weeks in advance-- It only has to be 2 days. So naturally, Monday, I decided I was going to take today, Thursday, off for a mental health break. Request goes through without issue, everything should be fine and dandy until I survived to Thursday right?

And then of course, my internet service decided last second it was going to do all day maintenance, not Thursday, no, because that would be too cosmically convenient. Nope. They decided to do it Wednesday. And I got no notification, because the text that was sent to me Tuesday never came through. And of course, Tuesday night was the night I decided to splurge on myself and get Olive garden and a personal pie, and Wednesday morning I decided to get a coffee, right before my work shift, and right before I came home, clocked in, then watched as my internet subsequently failed immediately as I was logging in.

Did I mention I'm buying new tires? So yeah, it's not minus $700 like I initially planned for (no work Thursday + cost of tires), but minus $850, and an unexcused work absence on top of that.

So yeah. Another example of the universe watching me decide, for once, it's safe to splurge on myself, I've been good, I've been working hard, I've been saving well, and then going, "but what if we immediately incurred an unexpected cost/ income loss on you. Lol." The frequency at which this happens is uncomfortably consistent. I get a raise, I have to start paying a food bill. I buy some figurines for my collection, I dent my bumper and break my tail light. I graduate college debt/ loan free, I have to pay more than half my income in rent, thus subsequently needing to take on more work hours. My sperm donor goes on vacation in a different hemisphere for a week and a half, and before I can even think about taking a mini vacation myself without him breathing down my neck, my older sibling gets covid, thus quarantining me at home as well due to being exposed to him.

At the very least, I can be thankful I didn't buy the tablet I was thinking of buying for on-the-go digital drawing. Then I would have been down over $1,000. All in just one week-- not even that, over 3-ish days.

That being said, I haven't taken time off for myself in God knows how long, and despite the unfortunate nature of having to call out yesterday, thus, putting a mark on my attendance record that I tried to avoid by getting time off approved Thursday anyway, it's sort of been giving me an opportunity to think, when I've been too busy or exhausted to do so recently. The thinking is only just now starting, but I'm starting to for once actually ponder objectively what I'm doing with my time and energy, and where I want my life to go from here.

Do I really need to stay in this job until I find full-time work? Do I not have enough cushion in savings to take a break despite my sperm donor imposing unnecessary rent that's half my monthly income on me (and me wanting to maintain enough savings that I never have to come back here once I do leave)? Is my constant fear of everything going wrong the moment I don't have a job founded? Is karma real? Is it real enough that I'm going to get into a serious accident the day after I turn in my 2 weeks (because with my luck, I genuinely feel like that's what's going to happen)? Will quitting my job really give me the time and space I need to improve my portfolio? Am I psyching myself up over nothing because my hatred of my father outweighs my common and objective sense? Is my father going to increase rent out of spite like I fear if I quit, because he somehow thinks punishing me is going to encourage me to work harder on finding a job as if my current lack of interviews is somehow my fault (never mind the job economy as a whole is garbage at the moment, and my particular industry is notoriously difficult to get into)? Is any potential spite or punishment from him worth it anyway? Am I the only one holding myself back (outside of financial issues, which generally is 100% traceable back to my father)? Do I keep the job even though it's only 30 hours a week, $15 an hour, and try to move out anyway?

Realistically, because I live in America, none of those above things can really happen before I gain full ownership of my car from him anyway, but with the new tires being put on as we speak, I'm going to be able to have that conversation soon. He's that kind of abuser where timing is everything in conversations. And once that car is officially in my name and not his, maybe everything else will fall into place. I just have to hope he's not going to be weird about it, but of course I know he will be, regardless of how carefully I plan on my wording and timing in approaching him, never mind the fact that I'm paying for everything on it now anyway.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. Sort of just following my train of thought on whatever track it goes, probably on account of the coffee. But I definitely need to take some time to just sit around and seriously think about my next steps, because I've just had my wheels spinning in mud for the past 6 months and my damn engine's about to combust. What do I need to do to make my life easier and restore some of my sanity, without putting my safety and future in jeopardy? What steps do I need to take that I haven't thought of in order to completely and safely separate from my father so I can move out without letting him know where I live or who I'm living with? How do I accomplish that without putting my younger sibling at risk since we're so close, and my dad will know that he undoubtedly knows something about my sudden disappearance?

Nothing can ever just be easy, can it? I know others have left undesirable home situations living on less or nothing, but I can't imagine leaving this place without at the very least full time work that offers health insurance. Maybe my standards are too high for myself, maybe I just have some kind of anxiety brain rot that keeps finding excuses for me to not go anywhere or do anything. I want so badly to be rid of him, It's not some brand of familial Stockholm syndrome. It's more along the lines of "if everything isn't perfect in my departure, then it will all go wrong and I'll end up back here anyway, and things will be worse."

Whatever the answer is to anything I've pondered about in this post, I think It's safe to say the current circumstances are killing me, If not physically, then definitely mentally, and emotionally I'm bleeding out.

[dylawas-reblogs]

If I'm still in this house by the end of the year I might actually die

[dylawas-reblogs]

I am ready to give up

ready to quit my job

ready to dump all of my savings into a gaming computer/vr and a trip to another country/a long distance friend

ready to hurry and outline the remainder of HLAL for my readers so they have SOME closure if not the full completed series

and then I'm ready to peace out of this existence by christmas (not before I make sure friends are in my legal will, there are things I don't want my family to have)

btw if you're gonna report this post this isn't a concrete 'plan' (no intent to put it to action yet)

but i don't know why the fuck I try anymore

i'm tired

i'm burned out

i'm depressed

people reach out to me and offer to help but idk how they can with the things i need help with

and maybe it's cruel of me but it's starting to feel like the equivalent of 'thoughts and prayers'

they'll feel powerless when there's nothing they can do; I'll feel powerless that there's nothing they can do. Everyone will just feel even more like shit if I try

emotional support's not enough anymore & I can't ask for money

I have enough

just don't have a guaranteed stable/sufficient income to confidently move out (I refuse to be a financial weight)

not to mention why the hell would I reach out when everyone else is floundering too

i can't find a job in my degree not even an unpaid internship

and i'm continuously being denied my graduation present of a high end gaming desktop because of it

(and because to my guardian it's not the 'right' kind of graduation present so he's spiteful)

i'm too anxious to network (and i don't even know what the point is when all these people i'm reaching out to aren't in positions to help suggest a position)

I open linkedin and burst into tears every time

In her defense she probably didn't know, but a recruiting person told me my skills were "better suited for an internship" when I have my BACHELORS

and most internships EXCLUSIVELY want college students which i'm not anymore

I can't find an alternative full time job that wouldn't make me want to puke or tear myself apart

I'm always told to go outside but go where? There are no Third Spaces within walking distance, and going places costs money

i'm paying half of my part time income in rent in my OWN GUARDIAN'S HOUSE while he fucks off to a new vacation/concert every third week

I was passed over for a promotion I was half counting on as an alternative to a new job

the job I'm currently working just stripped away extra hours because people were picking up too many so I can't work extra to offset rent

again I want to reiterate I HAVE MONEY but this greatly diminishes saving ability

and this whole vent was originally all gonna be in tags but this is the part where my tags didn't save because I had too many when I drafted this post

so oh boy I get to retype more than half of my grief from memory

so just know i'm probably forgetting something

My laptop wifi driver card was failing every hour for a while and no software troubleshooting resolved it

so it's probably a hardware issue (it's stopped for now but I know it will come back to bite me later)

Apparently my car's brakes need to be replaced and I was basically blamed for not knowing

but I didn't know that they needed replacing because I was never taught what to look out for and nothing seemed wrong to me

And these kinds of surprise expenses are EXACTLY why i basically have a phobia of spending money

anytime I think "I'm in a comfortable position I can treat myself!" almost immediately after something fucking breaks

it's a curse

speaking of shit fucking breaking, my whole body is in agony

went to a deceased relative's house to clean out everything yesterday and hated every second of it

(house was disgusting/family member was a smoker, which I have ZERO tolerance for)

but I went anyway, because it was the right thing to do and the immediate descendants would have been short handed otherwise

and my older brother ratted me out to The Overlord when I pointed out how shitty it was he wasn't going to be there when he was the favorite relative

And my brother did this KNOWING how this man will threaten to take away transportation/living arrangements/make you LITERALLY PAY if you don't kiss his fucking boots and grovel

the equivalent of telling on a shoplifter who was taking food because they're starving to the cops

so now I'm determined to not have a relationship with my older brother alongside the Overlord when I can finally escape

in the meantime i can't fucking write/draw/game/etc without feeling overwhelming guilt because I "should be working on a portfolio/job hunting"

so even when I try to relax, I can't, either through not enjoying the activity or not being able to start it at all

"You can't have fun" "okay let's do the hard stuff then" "no."

can't even do the portfolio part because of the burnout and general exhaustion from work anyways

And where the hell would I even "advertise" or gain a following when every social media is imploding either due to poor management or hostile AI takeover that will take your art/writing without a second thought to add to its Frankenstein algorithm

And the (in comparison) "moral" social media options are all niche to the point where you wouldn't be able to build a sufficient following anyways

this kind of self marketing shit is in and of itself a full time job, but oops! I'm already working!

Don't get me wrong I knew social media was a rat race before I graduated college, but nothing and no one could have prepared me for the way it is now. There was no AI competition until a year before I graduated, and that's going to change the entire field/process.

feels like my career coach and every job hunting site is wildly out of touch with how the market is now not just in my career but EVERYWHERE

And I want to try to start dating again, but there's no way in hell I can do that in confidence when I'm still living with a conservative fuckface

So there's another point for "can't move on in life if I don't get the fuck out of here"

Every single thing I do these days is "fucked if I do, fucked if I don't, and there's no reward for either option"

No social media is no exposure/followers, but social media is basically by default art theft now

working extra hours takes away more of your free time for recharging/portfolio, but not working means you're barely scraping by, and only if there's no emergency

Not saying anything to the people who are wronging you lets them think they can get away with it/think they're doing no wrong, but calling them out results in punishment and victim blaming

Nothing I do feels right, no matter if I kick it in reverse or drive, my wheels spin in every direction and everyone who IS in a position to help push the damn car just stands from afar and suggests, "Try turning the steering to the right for the fourteenth time!"

SOMETHING needs to change. But that kind of change can't happen unless the environment changes, and that can't happen because I have to make sure my income doesn't become a net negative, meaning nothing can change because I'm not in a position where asking for a rent decrease is an option.

And I KNOW most of this isn't my fault. I KNOW most of it is a side effect of a sick and decaying capitalistic society compounding on my own mental illnesses. It still feels like this has to be my fault anyways, because I'm being actively punished by it by the people closest to me (physically, not emotionally).

What is the fucking point.

Edit 8/14/23: Overlord, stop pressuring me to go to a "roast" for my deceased relative. I didn't hate him, but I disliked him, and me and my mother KNOW the "roast" is just a funeral service coated in clown paint-- which he didn't want.

[dylawa]

Tumblr this is TASTEFUL nudity you don’t touch this post.

Anyways, I’ve been having a really hard time focusing lately, and when I do complete a task-- several, in fact-- I still find myself filled with complete and utter loathing. It never feels like “enough.”

So, I vomited out this half-hour vent piece. Don’t remove this caption.

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