#so much time gone to waste
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Unfinished pages from an unfinished Eurovision 2023 comic
#yeah I was overly ambitious once again#for two months a year my Eurovision obsession reaches a pathological stage#I planned 30-40 pages of a Eurovision 2023 Fantasy AU where Philipp Kirkorov is the big villain and#each artist has weapons/powers based on their song/performance#but who am I kidding of course I couldn't finish such a thing#esc 2023#eurovision 2023#so much time gone to waste#and yeah the monster is based on the 'Ça m’ennuie pas' performance
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my main theory for why Vegeta in super went back on his ‘Goku’s just the best and I accept that’ at the end of Z is that prior to that Vegeta had never actually spent any real Time with Goku outside of battle, and didn’t realize Goku’s not blunt, he just doesn’t Think before he talks. Or before he does anything. He’s like a little kid. He’s a goofy little goober. That’s just what he’s like all the time.
And so after buu they’re chill and it’s peace time and Vegeta has time to get to know him and is like ‘oh my god he’s not doing a bit he’s not just acting like a silly fun guy in front of his kids he’s ONE of the kids he’s a dumbass fr I can’t be weaker than a dumbass’ and that’s why the dynamic shifted between them and Vegeta’s squarely the adult in the room now.
#He spent so much time trying to catch up he didn’t Realize he was running after a toddler#And by the time he got close he was like ‘what the fuck what the fUCK ABSOLUTELY NOT’ fjdjdjdjd#dbtag#At least in the manga the anime idk Goku’s different Vegeta’s different everyone’s different fjdjdj#‘You’re so smart Vegeta!’ ‘Who wouldn’t be compared to you?!’ Lives in my head rent free thfjdjdj#That’s a dude who’s gone through all five stages of grief over how much time he wasted giving Goku credit where dumb luck was to blame fjdj#Not to say Goku doesn’t work his ass off but geets learning the stars actually align for that man must’ve been so validating fjdjdjdjdn#SO infuriating but SO validating djdjdjdjd
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#i went and got Examined and Cleaned at dentist and of course paid with my own money#which i save for these exact reasons! health stuff#and i feel much better after going... like in general#i needed a cleaning its been a while since my last one#anyway i get home and both my parents are acting like it was all a waste of time and money#which makes sense bc like. this is only my second time ever going to a dentist. ykwim#i never went to doctors growing up because Waste Of Money We Dont Have#so obvs they think that way#but it Affects Me. ykwim. like oh i really am going to have insane obsessive massive self doubt over every decision i make until i die...ok#like maybe i shouldtve gone maybe it wldve gone away by itself i dont knowwwww#joining the war on All The Men In My Family Dying Bc They Dont Seek Medical Care on the side of the Men#talkys
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Turns out fast, fluffy reads are not so easy breezy when they are interminably boring and clunky. I may have to adjust my strategy for reading more slightly to account for this.
#my concentration is still very poor and I don't have much stamina for reading more than a short chapter at a time#but I think reading stuff I don't really like is not exactly helping lol#there are plenty of accessible light books that I would actually like#so what am I doing slogging through stuff I actively find a chore to read because it interests ne so little???#I mean the main reason is I paid for this slop tbh#I feel like I need to get my money's worth crol#but that's not how it works!#that money is gone now!#and persisting with it for that reason alone is just wasting my (vastly more precious!) finite time on this earth
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Random Stranger Things thought this morning:
Why wasn't Kali ever brought back?
#Like they spent so much time and plot introducing her and having El build up a relationship with her and then she was just gone?#Like why wasn't she brought back in season 4 at least when we focus a lot on the lab that season especially in the early days#I understand we had one/vecna to show how the upside down was created by El but why couldn't they include Kali in that too?#Idk it just weird to me that they spent so much time introducing her not to use her?#I enjoyed her too and liked her and El's sisterhoodship#She should've went back when El instead of staying with her friends back in California#What wasted potential#Kali Prasad#Stranger Things
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I put all those points into Rhetoric and returned to that container again and again and then save-scummed the roll once the chance hit above 50% and all that was inside was a rich asshole. I'm annoyed about being trolled so hard but also, yes, a little amused about being trolled so hard. It's set up as a mystery; the container must have something cool inside it, why else would it be there and have multiple indicators of being noteworthy? And the way to open it is with Rhetoric, weird and mysterious, making the draw to open it so strong. But it's just a guy that only seems cool until you actually speak to him and realize he's an obnoxious asshole. Not worth.
#deck speaks#let's play deck#disco elysium#I'm more amused then annoyed about being trolled like this but also man do I wish something cool was in there#I guess the skill points haven't really gone to waste even if I would've put them in something else if not for the container#I got high Rhetoric now I guess#I've been loving the game so far regardless#very pleasantly surprised to find so much funny stuff#I'd assumed it was going to be super serious all the time
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I’m finding that the laziest moments of Doctor Who’s writing are the ‘retroactive twists’ - when the show runner reveals something happened way back over there, in the past, before they were even running the show. And we swear it happened, way over there, far back, and you didn’t see it because of reasons but it’s definitely been happening! And it totally makes sense and I absolutely didn’t just pull it out my ass to justify my paper thin plotline! All this kind of writing does is make me miss self contained season length plots. We’ve had people complaining that Moffat was guilty of the “this thing is big and scary and it’s going to happen, oh god it’s showing up, we’re going to discover what it truly is….. next season!!!!!!” plotline (and yes. he was. twelve is my fav doctor but yeah Moffat loved a mysterious horse and a big stick) but now suddenly when RTD gets out his own mysterious horse and a big stick, it’s got to be genius! everything is eventually going to make sense! and we’re absolutely not being had by a man who used to be able to write this show and is now a hack!
#FUCK OFF RUSSELL#write a good show or go home christ alive#it’s just nostalgia glasses. we could get an episode where all 10 does is sit in a daybed and list the symptoms of shingles#and a lot of people on this website would be falling over themselves to try say that yeah it’s not good! it’s not well written! but it’s fun#and obviously that’s all doctor who needs to be. fun! not good or interesting or well written or good scifi but fun. just mediocre mush fun.#im sorry that you love dave 10nant so much (name censor bc tbf this ain’t his fault he’s just here)#that you cannot handle admitting that RTD is bad at his job now or that bringing 10 back as 14 was a shit idea#and that plotline was boring and kinda dumb#but it’s true. it’s gone downhill. RTD does not know what this show is anymore#and I frankly think he’s gone from a fanboy being able to write his dw dreams and make them episodes#from a man who views this show as his little pet project that sprung him into success#the best episodes are written by people who love this show. adore it. think of it as something big and grand#and are so thrilled that they get to add part of themselves to it with their stories and words#it’s why he used to be good. and now he doesn’t really care anymore and it shows.#it’s why my favourite doctor is my favourite doctor (and probably why people adore 9 + 10)#because you can feel the love exuding from every performance. it’s a childhood dream. there’s not time to waste a second of it.#sorry but this season was bad and the overarching story was bad#and the Christmas special is going to be bad. because it hinges on the idea we’re going to ‘find out more next time!’#shut up and tell me now. or at least in the season. ‘ooh ruby’s snow power will be explained next season’ NO! EXPLAIN IT NOW#doctor who#dw#dw negativity#rtd2 era#rtd2#rtd
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fuck me.. work tonight was so draining like i suddenly remember why i moved into admin a few years ago now. let me never complain about my job again
#covering youth sessions ages me ten years every time#these 16something lads will continually condescend to me but i’m nothing if not sarcastic and stubborn - i WILL get that apology from them#lmaoooo#im exhausted but it wasn’t half bad overall tbh im just out of practice for youth work#it’s been years but the groups i used to have when i started were so much ‘worse’ behaved than these lot#they were just rowdy and hungry and petty#which yeah checks out 100000% for teen boys#stelle yaps#the group i’ve had for the last few years as i’ve gone into admin were so easy in that they were polite and mature - but the other#issues i was helping them with regarding da and healthy relationships#we’re not so easy but still it’s a totally different kettle of fish to what tonight was like#fucking food thrown all over 😭😭 like what a waste and kicking at the doors and the windows and shit#ugh anyway vent over it was fine and tomorrow im doing three hours of work before im off on holiday for a week!#also i should add it was a 12 hour work day today… like they couldn’t have picked a worse day for me 🙃
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One better (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#I knew going into this and it was still so distressing :'0#Who needs plot twists when you can create such an intense sense of Dread#Probably doesn't help that I read this At Night In the Dark lol - actual shivers#Gods this was a hard scene to read - there have been several instances of my face hurting from furrowing my brow so hard haha#The way that ''Doctor'' is written is So skillful - I'm so impressed by everyone's prose and quirks and syntax!#Not to mention when he breaks character in a later scene to apologize for taking a bit to move the scene along haha <3 Play!!#It really does speak to just how much skill and effort is put into everything <3 It's so well done all the way around!!#Anyway to the actual scene at hand lol ow :') Drawing blood is always fun but I wish it wasn't his ;u;#Ugh the way he takes the surgeries is so well written - fear of course but a kind of stoic suffering as much as he's able to -#Until it comes to his eye#Ugh the /break/ of it all he goes from so eloquent - almost snarky and silly! Still trying to find an out make peace do /something/#It all goes completely out the window he's so /reduced/ and nothing hurts worse than that ughughugh#For all his intelligence and wit and prior successes and charm and just - everything that makes him /him/ to be dissolved into abject fear#It's so sad ;; And so well done <3#And he still holds enough of himself to know what he'd be losing wegh it's so sad!! He's so defined by his vision as most VUX are it's fjdsl#Zelnick is already gone by this point but I wanted to throw him in for extra sad flavour :')#Plus - I've mentioned his post-Op was one of the ones from the gallery that Actively kills me every time I look at it#Can you imagine my heartbreak to find out that he didn't have his Captain to comfort him after this in actuality? That he was fully alone?#''Are we home? Is it over?'' ''N...not yet'' - The Absolute Devastation of realizing that Never Was not really#Just tear my heart out why don't you ugh I'm fully bleeding out 💔#That last one is actually meant to be Max but it's open to interpretation :)#I think it's such a waste that his eye was just disposed of! Someone else could've used that (lol)#I do think there's something to the idea of seeing what used to be a part of your body elsewhere - like the Leftovers!#Even just keeping as a memento tho - a trophy - insult to injury but literally#Just points to no one being special and nothing being sacred I suppose
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New low. Sobbing in the floor of a dark empty apartment
#well. he’s gone.#it’s definitely relieving in a lot of ways#but….#my apartment is empty#when I moved to this city I had two of my best friends here with me#now I have no one#I will probably never talk to either one of them again#I lived with him for five years. we made our college plans together#and now my apartment is empty and I’m all alone and there’s no one to hear me cry#I feel so pathetic and miserable#and empty but overwhelmed all at once#I almost wish it was all my fault you know#cuz then at least I could pinpoint it I could figure it out#like oh… I’m a shitty person and I treated my friends badly and that’s why I lose them#but I’ve been the one who’s been used and tossed aside and discarded#and I’m alone in a dark empty apartment crying#and I know my old roommate and my old best friend don’t care#they’re both happy and having a good time and have not thought twice about me#and yeah. I feel pathetic#that even after everything I’m wasting grief on this#growing up my family always told me friends never amounted to anything#you had your family and your significant others and that was it you didn’t put everything you had into your friends#and I always thought that was stupid#and I loved my friends so much and I feel like I gave them so much I gave so many of them everything I had#and all I get is being alone and crying in an empty apartment#maybe my family was right I’m so tired of this I’m so so so tired#kaz rambles
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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trying to make this section of shadow 05 coherent is doing my head in ygs </3
#bee blabs#there's so much i have to consider ??#now my brain has gone on a tangent abt how shadow even ended up at cryptic castle from digital circuit#when the dark mission immediately ends after u complete the objective#like- how does shadow get out ??#bc if black doom dropped him off he wouldn't have wasted time with cryptic castle at all aside from the emerald eggman held#but then again he'd be there to supervise that so-#did shadow have to find his own way out ?#and how did he manage to get from the govt's mainframe to one of eggman's bases ?#UNLESS the govt were keeping tabs on eggman#but idk how they'd manage that since eggman is everywhere concocting a new scheme every minute#y'all idk i'm losing it#are these details important to the fic i wanna write ?#probably not but here we are
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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So an update on uni and life since it’s been about 2 weeks :)
#so uni is going well I think#it’s definitely been a lot and my schedule is very full#so I’m in uni pretty much everyday#but I’m just trying to find a revision technique that works well for me#because I feel like I waste time in the sense that I go to lectures but don’t take anything away from them#some of lectures are really quiet so I have to constantly rewatch#and loads of people around me seem to understand everything#so I kind of question like if I should’ve gone to uni 💀#but my tutor gave some really good advice#which is helping a lot#and my bsf also gave some advice which was very nice#on another note my laptop is out of service I like to say#so I’ve become a pen and paper girlie#until that gets fixed#but apart from that everything is going well#I’ve managed to talk to some people and become friends so it’s just getting to know people#but apart from the occasional imposter syndrome I’m having a really good time and enjoying my course :)#gatherrambles#theunidiaries
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i don’t hold grudges, but i only let people break my trust once and not trusting someone is a relatively similar phenomenon.
#like. do i HATE people who have done me wrong or waste my time thinking about how much they suck? no.#hate is exhausting and i have many better things to do#but do i experience anxiety due to having to work with people i don’t trust? ABSOLUTELY.#so that’s why my shitty coworker and manager being gone is such a big deal to me#nothing either of them could do would EVER make me trust them again#and my direct boss is also a part of that and i think she knows that#i have more personal affection for her as a friend#i think she’s just a bad people manager who accepted bad direction from her own boss#but also like… grow a spine and defend your autistic employee - you know??#and i will never forget that and i will never have trust with her again#i’m not MAD. i’m just disappointed and you only get to disappoint me once#after that - it’s just par for the course as far as i’m concerned#and i am getting out of this town#not a thing could make me stay#and i do suspect that i will leave before my boss does#but i hope she’s figured out by now that i would not mourn her loss either#and i will not mourn my own even a little bit!#i cannot WAIT to move on#but with my boss’s boss gone the necessary wait will be a little easier
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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up
#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade#i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive#bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress#spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse#bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them#and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it#i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together#i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all#the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really#i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying#i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It#i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people#so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable#i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping#in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school#because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow#anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured#and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit#yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside#when you’re 16 as opposed to 25
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