#its been so long since ive been to therapy ive regressed so much im also terrified of that

[tamagotchikgs]

i can't even b joyful for a new year because i immediately have 2 appointments o(-< im just Scared

[kucherovv]

ok very long situationship discussion under cut bc i slept over last night and Ermm im processing it now

sooo it was pretty nice for the most part Like. idk when im JUST hanging out with them its very good. like laying in bed together is pretty much the only time its good

we hung out w our mutual rlly close friend and. idk if ivs said this but at some point there was another girl which is. fine because we're not dating or exclusive in any way (like, explicitly not exclusive) but it does make me want to kill myself. anyways we were talking about said other girl and there were hints that there might be a THIRD one but i genuinely dont think so bc situationship literally cannot leave their room rn bc of [mental health reasons i cant get into]

like i dont want to be naive but. yeah i think it was just something in the past bc they have always mentioned other people as friends at least and they only ever hang out w me and the aforementioned close friend. like they dont even see the other girl anymore

anyways also our friend was pointing out how situationship was IN A SITUATIONSHIP with someone else last fall semester before i rlly met them and wanted to start dating but the girl didn't want to and it like devastated them. almost like what is happening to me rn. and they were like "well let's not talk abt that because it gets too close to uncomfortable self reflection" ok

theyve told me before that like. they want people to be obsessed with them (hence the fucking around) but not obsessed in the way that people are when theyre dating. BUT after a break up the other person should continue to be obsessed with them. like theyre scared of the commitment or vulnerability or whatever that comes from reciprocity. its so weird i just dont understand how their brain works!

its just like. how can you expect people to give you attention the way that you want them to if you treat them like this.

also our friend was like "i would rather you guys stop entirely or date but i cant stand this in between" like YOU cant stand it IMAGINE HOW I FEEL LOL. ok anyways. and he also said he told situationship to just stop being involved w anyone which is funny. its so silly when they talk about our relationship like im not there 🥴😐

also its. not like i havent been honest or upfront abt my feelings bc ive told them maybe 50 times how i feel abt them. but its not something im going to push whatever

i was also talking to my hs friend who had a situationship turn into a real relationship and he was like "well are you guys having sex at least bc that makes jt a little better" NO WE'RE NOT!!!! its so weird bc we . basically did when i was visiting them this summer and then havent even kissed since then. silly!!! someone (charlie maybe) said we were slowburn and its like No. we're just regressing

ANYWAYS. i am not pushing or changing anything BECAUSE. they are withdrawing for the semester and going home then coming back in the spring. and going to therapy and meds in the meantime

so. this is very dumb probably but. i hope they get better so we can be in a fr relationship because i think we're very good together. and i think they like me more than the other girl. which sounds so stupid and desperate when u say it out loud but i really. do think they like me the best. and i hope that if they pursue a relationship w someone that its me .

ok typing that out makes it seem insane um. but yeah whatever fuckk me i guess

[theambitiouswoman]

If you’re okay with sharing, have you ever had toxic behaviors or tendencies and then healed from them through therapy/inner work/etc.? What is your perspective or approach on self-forgiveness?

Yes. Okay so i'm going to ramble a bit on this topic because i am going to give a genuine response and really word vomit my thoughts as i go.

Even as an adult, i know i'm not perfect. i try to be, but obviously everyone has different lifestyles and view points so your actions, no matter how genuine or well intended they may be, might be perceived differently by people. I am the type of person who always apologizes when i do something wrong, always have been. however, i don't always notice when i do something wrong because i can be absent minded at times with 80 things going on in my head, or they are things that wouldn't affect me, so unless you spell it out for me, i really wont pick up on it. im crazy big on communication now. and i provide a very delayed reaction to things that affect me emotionally. i stop for a second, take a step back and really process the situation. because things are more than just how they make us feel. we are entitled to our feelings, yes. feel your feelings. but how we react is a different story. because a lot of times you'll find that situation as a whole is shitty, or the other person has a different view point, or that you're on the losing end of it. once you understand a situation you can forgive yourself, react better, cry about it etc but it removes the factor of a toxic reaction on your part.

i think a lot of my toxic tendencies have always had alot to do with how naive i am- have always been. i remember growing up, since i wasn't exposed to much, there were a lot of situations i wasn't mentally or emotionally ready to put myself in. as a result i reacted or responded the wrong way. a lot of it comes from literally me not understanding and just reacting off my emotions really. none the less, when you're young you can get away with that but as an adult it gets trickier.

i think what got me to learn about my toxic behavior and deciding to make a change was really getting screwed over and hurt over and over again.

for most of my life, i was NOT a good communicator. i blame it on the aries in me. i would say like 3 words and to me inside i felt like i had confessed my soul but people would look at me as if i said nothing. and i dont think people ever got that from me. to be honest i always and still am misunderstood. largely in part because i let people argue with themselves, the truth always comes out.

i was also such a people pleaser and a doormat. people used to take so much advantage of me. and i wanted them to like me lol so i let it happen. and when they screwed me over, i didn't know how to communicate it so i would blow up or handle things in a matter that would automatically make me the bad guy. i would not know how to stand up for myself at all. i would freak out and get nervous. sometimes, i didnt even realise things till months later. i know that's hard to believe lol but its the truth.

i had friends do very grimy things to me, and when they came back around i would forgive them, but i didn't realize back then that i am not the type of person to forgive and forget. i wouldn't address the issue either. so my actions and behavior were totally fucked up.

at some point, after having the same experiences over and over, i held myself accountable. i forgave myself for not knowing what i didnt know. cause really thats all you can do. ive lived long enough where ive seen every single person whos been in my life, great and horrible come back. no matter the situation. life is funny that way. the universe will always continue to expose you to the same situations over and over until you learn your lesson.

a big healer for me, was doing regressive therapy and understanding my triggers and how i got myself to be the person who put myself in certain situations. that was life changing for me. and this is something that is very hard for people to understand and admit to themselves. bad things happen, people do bad things to us and they're the bad guys. yes. absolutely. but why did we put ourselves in that situation? our patterns of behavior stem from layers of experiences and reactions that are mostly learned from in our childhood. did i deserve to go through x things that made me become a certain way and respond to situations and people a certain way? absolutely not. but unless we go down to the root of our behavior, then we cant evolve from being the person who does those things.

ive been through hell and back. literal hell. and i haven't always been the best person to every one based on it. but it was always my responsibility to hold myself accountable, acknowledge my actions, and forgive myself. that's how you grow.