#so i cant find my escapism in her.
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uhoh
#erm.#listen i love my wife right.#but its.#conflicting.#right now i kinda need reassurance and stuff about shit. youknow.#but. like. she wouldnt say the things i need to hear T-T#shes a perfect embodiment of that little fun voice that says “it cant hurt” when. :) yes tf it can huh??#and thats fun and all when i can handle it. but i cant really right now. not about this.#so i cant find my escapism in her.#WHAT DO I DOO.#sillyposting#i kind of just need to be held but i cant imagine me ranting about my struggles and her. not makin them worse.#and i know that thats partly bc my current mental state butt.#oooh the struggle of engaging with fucked up yaoi. maybe i should. not.#part of me just wants to give in so i can continue the fantasy where she isnt ooc but. i mustnt. i shant.#hm.
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non canon to casey official lore but what if she did get that son of a bitch
#ik i posted that 1st pic already once but it was meant to be part of this set#casey#michelle carter#ft the ghost of booster hovering around these images#2nd is a sort of redraw of a shot from silence of the lambs lol#im obsessed with my own oc obviously so i think of any and every au possible for her. sometimes i think if she was slightly less of a joke#she would be propelled into owning her identity as a villain to protect herself from goldstars vengeance even though she didnt want to be a#proper villain ever and just wanted to kill one guy and get away with it and go back to work#unwittingly becomes goldstars arch enemy#i can imagine a whole arc with rani wanting to become a hero too to get revenge but michelles like NOOO BOOSTER NEVER WANTED THAT FOR YOU#do as i say not as i do!!!! focus on school!#makes me sad though because her actually offing booster ping pongs off the meeting nell part of her life. aah say lah vee#but then again ladybug is an active hero. mauybe theyll meet after all.#THEY WOULD FIND EACH OTHER IN EVERY UNIVERSE#as for her getting out of jail on an actual manslaughter charge i imagine some other actual supervillain stages a jailbreak and she just#escapes in the confusion and dedicates herself to being a reformed citizen and becoming an actor (somehow?)#but michelle hears she escaped and is like NO! I CANT LET HER GET AWAY WITH THIS!!!!!!
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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*sigh* well sooner or later she will get mixed up in this mess
But in all seriousness:
While i dont agree with her, we shouldnt harass her because of it. Cuz imagine being angry at PM for not protecting its employees from harassment.....so you go ahead and harass a person working with PM because of they desire to work with a person they worked 3 years with and that might know/understand more about a certain situation than us. How are we better than them? Dont you find it ironic? That’s just low hanging fruit
As for Cassie:
We’re sorry for our behavior but prior to your response we would love you to give it a second thought. Yes you guys have been friend for years but if your friend done something wrong you should steer them to the correct path as a good friend should be. This ‘controversy’ is no mere mistake and shouldnt be taken lightly
#project moon#limbus company#library of ruina#lobotomy corporation#cassie wei#project moon controversy#PM drama#this whole situation is just tragic#my girl just want to enjoy TGS but cant even escape from those who still mad with the recent drama#and the fact she still defend them is just add to it#i mean mili and PM have been partner for a long time too#everyone is just put into a fucked up situation here#this is just harmful even for ishmael#im not condoning mili and cassie#but i just want everyone to understand#i remember that theres a tumblr post talking abt seperating mili from the controversial#so if anyone find pls send it to me#and yes they are not happy#i dont want anymore great artists to leave ok#i dont agree with her but dont harass her
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Local teenage girl hates her dad and seeks comfort in the idealized AI version of him 🤣🤣🤣😝😝😝⁉️⁉️⁉️
Dialogue from an rp !!
#dialogue written in the alt text if you can't read the image#this rp ruins me#basically jack holo angel rhys and tim all get put into this city and cant leave#(its a multifandom rp)#and rhys immediately started going to Jack for praise and validation and physical affection#so basically he replaced holojack#and holo got mad and “broke up” with rhys and now is living in the internet#and Jack is pretty much neglecting Angel as she recovers from Eridium poisoning#like not actually neglecting but hes really slacking on caring for her#and barely shows up for her#so shes bedridden and seeking comfort#and she talks in a chatroom and finds holojack#and essentially its just escapism to pretend she has a good dad#cus holojack is the idealized version of Jack#:3#that's all#i listened to “my angel” by adrianne lenker on repeat while drawing this#made me cry a lil#borderlands 2#borderlands#handsome jack ai#handsome jack#tales from the borderlands#tftbl#borderlands rp#angel borderlands#guardian angel borderlands#rp fanart
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okay in the spirit of the previous post we are going to brute force me into sharing random scenes from fics that are either unfinished or never going to be finished! we are going to do this collaboratively (im fair and benevolent) but i don't want to give any information about said wips (im cruel and dictatorial) so this is going to be a blinded poll <3 vote here <3
#every draft in my wip folder has a song name for a title already thats just how i roll <3#no im not telling fandoms or pairings or anything lol... and let me tell you it is NOT predictable#my choices are making quite honestly no sense at all but you know. sometimes u r struck by a Vision of a scene and never get anywhere with#not including original works on this but like. i think this is most everythign i have#idt noa's even read some of these... really just because she hasn't had the chance to go through my computer in a while#she reads through my notebooks and stuff but once things make it to the computer she cant find it so it escapes her attention...#anyway i promise ill post some of whichever ones win! just to try to mix things up for myself i guess!#prayer circle for this dredging of the lake of my documents folder to snap me out of my writers block <3
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been looking in tags for a few days now to see if anyone else found the whole high cloud quintet and related story to be a bit.....poorly written, nonsensical, contradictory, full of plot holes and loose ends, etc. apparently i'm not the only one. (and i'm not even talking about shipping stuff, because any time I saw someone mad about bad writing, someone always replies to be homophobic and laugh about failed ships. weirdos.) it could have been so good but was thrown into the garbage for the most part (IF you noticed all the plot holes and contradiction. if not, then it's a fine enough story tbh. I expect most people to see it on surface level and not read all the little hidden lore bits and try to piece it together like my autistic brain did. which is ok! enjoy it if you liked it and ignore me 😆)
#apparently one of the writers did it on purpose. wont explain here. you can find it elsewhere. but it makes sense now#that's why it fell apart and didnt make sense in the end#ive seem people say anyone mad about it is a shipper and thats why. they use it as an excuse to be homophobes#youre gross get out of thos fandom. im here as someone upset about the story who was very skeptical about any ship theories and focused#more on plot theories and overall friendship and stuff so its not even about shipping you het weirdos!!!#the contradictions and plot holes are bd regrdless of who you ship lmao stop reducing it to that#aure its fine if you ignlre those plot holes. but it happened to be the little plot holes that interested me the most so its obvious to me😅#cant wait until a talented writer in the fandom rewrites the whole story a lot better and fills in the holes and ties up the end better#please someone do this 😭#lee text#hsr#i just wanted a close found family who met a tragic end#my idea for a better way to write it is dan feng wanted free from the high elder cycle and yingxing helped him create a new elder#but it went wrong and failed because the preceptors fed him wrong info hopong it woukd destroy dan feng since they hated him#instead it was yingxing that died and dan feng selfishly brought him back somehow and thats why hes immortal and hates dan heng now#they created a monster in the process that made a mess and baiheng died trying to kill it maybe but hit its weak spot#so it was weaked enough for jingliu to slay it#maybe for a plot twist jing yuan somehow knew the preceptors were up to something and didnt stop the two because#they were too stubborn and he knew it would do nothing#we know the dragon heart disappeared so either it ended becoming bailu in the end#or it could be inaide blade bow. another fun possible plot twist. they never explained where it went so it coukd be a n y w h e r e#i had other ideas but i forget now. bht baiheng deserves better as well. just being a plot mechanism to make two dudes be stupid#is kinda bland and boring and wasted her character. she deserves better too!!!!#id write this if i had the time and brain power but ill hope someone else does it instead#OH yeah i forgot a big idea. dan feng and yingxing perhaps try to also kill the arbor and end the abundance and long life/reincarnation#and maybe that was one part that led to it all going wrong or something. since yingxing wanted revenge on the abundance for destroying#his home and family???? and dan feng wanted to escape the cycle? similar wants that worked together snd failed#these are all ideas from past theories i read and my own ideas i came up with all of which are better than what that bad writer did!#these are very incomplete ideas that im sure someone else can write better#lee rambles
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y'all do NOT appreciate tsunami and riptide enough, and i mean it :(
they are a beautiful everything x just ken relationship and yall keep tryna make riptide a butch he/him lesbian nuh uh
#FreeRiptide
#wings of fire#wof#wings of fire rant#wof rant#tsunami#riptide#seawings#it just makes me so upset#i go on tumblr to see some cute little art for riptide and tsunami just to find that we do not appreciate them enough#i will say that the second and third arc are infinitely better at developing relationships#but the “yet-to-be-realized love at first sight” trope that the first arc had going for it was really really cute#like take peril for instance#my girl really met clay for two seconds and immediately decided he belonged to her#we love a girlboss#cant wait for escaping peril graphic novel#superior silver speaks
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it's being sad about washilon hours again
#something something an au where rather than wash and alpha going to rescue epsilon - lina and epsilon go off to rescue wash#im always so upset over the notion of like. no one going vack#*going back for him?? the whole. 'this is my ai' and wash wholly intending it to be a suicide mission#let pfl have thrown wash and his poor shattered mind into a dark hole somewhere#let lina on her revenge quest against her father find epsilon and the two of them go find wash bc ;__; okay#rvb nonsense#ive been thinking of the whole. epsilon clearly thought blowing himself up (and taking wash with him) was his best option?#so so desperate to escape the project but wash is already hysterical and unraveling and in so so so much pain? wash cant help him#wash cant keep them from pulling him and doing more sickfuck things to him? he has to die. they both have to die it's the only way#lmao something something wash and his guilt and fear and anxiety and wariness towards epsilon#epsilon and his resentment and also - guilt and just!#let them have their wary weary 'im sorry for what i did' moment#or rather actually their 'im sorry for what i didnt do'#yknow? yeah
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youtube
Will Wood & the Tapeworms: Hand Me My Shovel (Live)
#flashing warning#volume warning#rly feelin this version of this song rn lmao#with my own head full of robitussen#bored+exhausted+sick as a dog. AND. cant sleep for shit#so im getting real tempted to find out firsthand why#the drug checker site lists the potential interaction between robitussen and cannabis as ''moderate'' lmfao#definitely cant take nyquil OR any of my sleep meds rn. since ive already got the former in my system#but. hhrrghgfwrgshgrwrrkrgbwrgrr.#im about to start ripping my sheets apart with my teeth like a feral princess escaping her tower rn#too sleepy for viddy games. too sick for anything Useful. AND YET. HERE I AM#AWAKE#so im in a. staring contest with the edibles on my nightstand atm lmao.#but! in an hour the robitussen will be officially done w my system. so ig i can wait at least that long; see if im still awake then#anyway. i love this song#but this version kicks even more ass#if its not yr thing nbd obv! i just think it fucks lmao#bee speaks#Youtube#will wood my beloved
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...
#tomorrow is the day the measurements start. the start of my 40+ days of torment. but idk im glad its finally here#i dont have to dread it anymore. hopefully its the last time i have to do these type of measurements#i was talking to my boss yesterday and she was like: oh last timr we were out i realized this might be ur last time doing lpi for thr rest#of ur life. and i was like god i hope so. bc thats a process where i crawl across the ground for 50m per transect and identify all the#plants and soil cover and for the life of me i cant fucking remember plant codes. i hate it bc i basically have to talk for like 3hrs and#have someone standing over my shoulder recording me and all the while my brain is screaminf at me bc field work doesnt count as real work#in my stupid brain. so yea ill do lpi and soil stability as benign torment in purgatory#but anyway. im hesitantly optimistic abt the measurements i have to take bc im going to try my best to make it ok bc i have school#interviews looming and i have to pretend im hanging on by more than a single thread ya kno#so we r going to b careful abt it. well at least well see how long it lasts. i also have tk find the time to read a bunch before interviews#while my brain is completely fried idk how. and do other lab stuff. sigh...#idk im probably going to take measurements all the way thru sunday and then monday see if i can fill out patent intake info with a psy#psychiatrist. and hope they take my insurance. i called and checked for providers and they were the only one in the area so shoulf b ok but#ya kno. god im barely a functional person. like the fact that i have to drive 8min down the road is very nearly enough for me to say fuck#it. id rather suffer forever. i just hate driving so much :-P#i just wish i could focus enough to make words make sense and justify the time i spend to learn things. agh#lmao im such an anxious person. a lab mate had a birthday today and my boss and a fellow lab member surprised her with a cake#and im v worried abt when my birthday happens. it wasnt so bad last time bc another birthday was also that week so the focus was off me a#lil but with my boss leaving this school i was like. yes. i escape the surprise gathering. but probably not. same for when i leave#genuinely i do not want a gathering. i just feel like im waiting for them to end. not that i dont like my lab mates but idk it feels so#artificial. and i feel awkward bc i never make eye contact or look at anyone in a way i think is typical bc i see ppl look at me#like turn their head to see my reaction to something and i just like fundamentally do not understand that impulse#whatever. what i want for my birthday or going away is to not attend the gathering. make it more like a wake lol#but i kno that wont happen. last year my boss asked whst i wanted and i said nothing and she said that wasnt allowed#im just so neurotic that if u try to do anything for me itll prob just upset me. but idk ppl like to give presents and stuff#and sometimes things arent all abt me. so i just gotta accept it and go cry abt it later#but thats like 3 months away so i dont kno why im so stressed abt it now. I've got more pressing things to stress abt#unrelated
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..
#I feel like I'm always sad but I trying to be so normal#but I find myself looking for her still#my brain knows she's dead but my body doesn't#and I go to bed and it's not right and I cant fall asleep bc she hasn't come to bed yet but she's never coming back to bed ever again#I find myself rushing to doors I've left open so she doesn't escape forgetting she's not in the house#I go into the backyard looking for her in the grass bc it's habit bc she likes to be in the tall grass#I know she's not here but I'm so used to having her in every corner of my life that I look for her by default#and now that she's not here to fill the void I think abt skittles who passed last year and all the things that she used to do#that now has left voids in my life just like Roxie has
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Sleeping on the couch bc its marginally cooler out here than it is in my bedroom and i am so sincerely on the cusp of losing my entire mind if the power doesnt come back and i dont get an actual decent nights worth of sleep soon
#ive gotten maybe 2-3 hours of sleep daily since last Tuesday when we evacuated to my godmothers house#the initial anxiety of the hurricane kept me from sleeping at her place and now the lack of ac is demolishing me here#cant open or crack the windows bc kiwi is a escape artist and the eta for power for my area is at best thursday and at worst a few weeks#there are like 5 downed poles in my area and the wires between the non downed ones got torn to ribbons#and apparently the ground is too soft/wet to put in new poles so we're just??? waiting?? i guess#its so disheartening to see the outtage counter tick from 600k down to 130k and know that ill probably be in the last 15-20k#gonna try and find a hotel again tomorrow#everything within reasonable distance of my job either flooded and had damage and no power or is full up#im in sensory hell and im going to have a breakdown if something doesn't let up soon#at least i have a phone charge finally <3 the publix just got power so i ran my ass over there and used a outlet in the cafe thank god#hurricane milton#for blacklist
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Vent
Tw: sewerslide and SH
#....i really miss being 4yrs without a care in the world and my family loved each other so purely#fuck its not fair that she does this to me#im shaking over how upset this is making me#i cant always be the one at fault thats IMPOSSIBLE and not fair#she sees it as im lazy n dont like being told to do stuff#i see it as she literally picks on me everytime her health anxiety gets to her or her fiance......i watch it happen like fuckin clockworm#but im the bad guy im the lazy emotional youngest sibling whos life was sooooooo perfect cus mom n dad treated me different#I WAS HIGHLY AUTISTIC#im sorry that you wanna feel special so you gotta pretend my life was just so great cus i got extra attention#I NEEDED EXTRA ATTENTION#Dad did his best to make us all feel equal and you know thst#i du no im jjst fucking done with the littlw comments#i read over my dads shoulder so i already knew but my sister brought up what he said to her before sending me here since the waters broke#he said “please dont say anything to her she has enough on her plate”#and she just got all snippy with me about it#....i literally came to your house with 3 big slashes on my arm when do i get a fucking break from the picking????#next time ill do both my arms maybe then shell have nice emptions for me#im literally frozen in my seat sweating cus of how upset im trying not to bw#its very rare she has a soft moment with me and she completely ignores my scars or my mental health#shes now crying in the other room......#like....i dont even know what to do abymore its not fair im always the bad guy#i shouldnt have to deal with a shitty attitude ontop of the other stuff i got going on#its like shes allowed to stab me but i even react to the pain suddenly im a horrible person#its times like these i just wanna end myself cus im tired of trying so hard and having no one to unmask with#im constantly performing for other people only to not get the same energy back im SO tired#update: i escaped#i love my sister but when shes struggling she acts bitchy towards me and thats not fair#literally did the oppisite of what my dad asked her lmao#i bet she stopped crying and is now finding any lil mistake to bitch about#now im blasting sad music into my ears in hopes of not spiraling
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It's that time again
#hello friend#i dont remember the last time we talked#or rather you listened#i find myself in an odd situation#i keep having reoccuringdreams that feel like all the progress ive made has been for nothing#visions of past memories and also a future in which things stayed the same#things happening that could have happened but also would not happen#interactions with people long since past all in an effort to find some closure#i fear that this will forever mark me somehow and i will not be able to escape this#have i trapped myself? are the circumstances in my control?#to some extent i blieve they are but its so hard to force my mind one direction when it clearly has its own plans#i miss my friends so dearly#i miss what could have been#im currently on vacation and while i am having fun i cant help but feel half of a whole#i feel like i would enjoy this so much more if it were with a companion or someone i loved dearly#because promises were made long ago that never came to fruition#and now i am experiencing those things alone and feel as though ive robbed myself and her of these experiences#i find myself thinking about you once again and wondering when our paths will cross again#or if i even want that to happen#if i left for good would you turn and look?#time will tell#so many words and thoughts and not enough time to tell them all in a way thats coherent#a stream of consciousness that will find its path#i miss you#i miss all of you#i hope one day i can be at ease#everything will be okay because it has to be#this too shall pass
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used to have a dog named abel that was the puppy of my other dog named piper and all his siblings got adopted instead of him and he was a monster mutt of some beefy ass mixture of dogs and giant but he was entirely black and my favorite cuz i hallucinated his arrival a year before he was born but he was too big and smashed our back door open and my parents got fed up and dumped him along 39.1231° N so if you got a massively beefy black lab looking dog in 2018-2020 his name is abel and he liked trying to crawl under things he physically couldn't fit under & trees.
#my parents literally refused to spay piper bc it was too much money (but neutered their other dog?)#so any time i was at school and she escaped they just let her run around for hours at a time#then theyd be pissed that she got pregnant TWO TIMES?#i brought her to seattle and got her spayed b4 rehoming her back w them so they wouldnt dump her at a shelter#like thats what it took to at least ensure she wouldnt get pregnant again so theyd have the time to actually find a good home for her#but i didnt get a choice to ever keep any of the puppies (w good reason bc theyre backyard bred and far more than what we could handle)#idk LOL theyre better off wherever they made it but i still cant help but wonder if they made it#i cannot be a dog person again them mfers get me too emotional#mom shouldve let me have a cat instead of getting more dogs a cat LITERALLY wouldve caused LESS destruction than the dogs ever did#whatever she doesnt have any more dogs in the house. windsor lives w his brother now and piper lives w some pittie dog mom#thats life tho u look back at it sometimes and then you stand outside and u move on. ez
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