#so he did fucked up things for 5 years
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@fiberturkey89 OK HI i love treating ninjago charactes like my oc so heres the umm explanation for my morro design!!! YAP SESSION under cut cause i dont wanna flood ppl with my yapping ...
ok so to me he was a member of the cloud kingdom!!! i know this is a somewhat popular headcanon although im not sure who first came up with it. i just wanted a reason to make him look cool at first
every different realm and region has a majority species . To me . i could go on and on about each one that i Made up but for now i will focus on the CK species (plus euphrasia for additional um. idk. context?)
idk what id call the species name. ill just call them Writers . for now. Ummm as u can see i believe that their species has a LOT of wings. like a whole bunch. each person can have up to like 3 colours for their wings, with white being the main one. the colours don't have meaning Yet but idk . they're mostly whatever colour i think fit best with their character .
they also got Eyes on their wings . this would be the tertiary colour (or the same colour as secondary) . they have a Lot of feathers on their body (neck-chest, arm-wrist, around knee-ankle). They also have . featheered tails . Ok that's about as much as ill detail for their species bc i do have madeup culture for them But i don't want this to turn into a 9 paragraph yap session . I will focus on morro now
MORRO FAKE LORE! WOOHOO!!
ok so in the world where hes my oc. he was a part of the writers of destiny (or rather one in training but he lived in the cloud kingdom nonetheless) . anyways . he didn't really like the life there bc he always wanted to be More than just a writer of destiny. he wanted to be there to experience the damn thing himself, but that obviously wasn't allowed in the cloud kingdom (bc . well. u can see that theyre kinda strict on their rules (one destiny one path sort of thing or whatever) . so he eventually gets kicked out after enough misdemeanours (so probably he misbehaved like One time) . anyways they bound him to a flightless life (bc . flying was . well. a pretty big thing in a community full of people who have wings all over their body) and exiled him to Ninjago .
he cant fly back home so he doesn't. not that he would anyway. this is why he keeps his wings folded/closed almost all the time. they do not serve any purpose. he would love to chop them off if he could
he makes a few friends on the streets but theyre hardly 'friends' in the natural sense of that word.
also. in a fucked up twist of the world, he ends up being the elemental master of wind.
(this ones connected to another thing i also made up but if the Ninjago writers get to forget things and make things up at random So Can I; anyways my point is that wojira was defeated by Nyad . who was one of the two elements that matched the um amulet thing. and since she transformed into the sea i cant imagine the first EM of wind was just like Oh well okay then i guess its all over. In my mind they became one with the wind too and was probably from an even higher plane than the cloud kingdom but their powers ended up there anyway . Taken by some. Freak.)
around this time is when he meets wu and stuff. u know everything that happens from here so i will not be retelling shit but i am sooo adamant on them Not being father and son sorry. or at the very least i think it was only one-sided . i think wu wanted company and morro reminded him of a younger version of his older brother . thought of him as a 'son' bc thats the only way he could really see him. whereas morro thought wu was some stinky old man who was nice. very nice and sweet to him. promised him a destiny bigger than himself. but not a father. what even is a father? he does not see that in wu sorry . tgey will never be father and son to me . that relationship dynamic is too simple for the complexity of their relationship
yeagh well wu 'lied' about his destiny (I mean . of cours i dont actually think that way. wu kind of Had no way to tell if he really was destined to be the green ninja although It is kinda Freaked up to suggest it to a like. 10 year old. i guess he did learn his lesson . ) and morro was like Fuck u i choose my own destiny . And left and died. ok yea this is all stuff u already knew
(also i imagine he went looking for FSM's tombstone (aka he was Really just looking for the realm crystal) so he could go back home . to rewrite his own destiny. to be like Yeah i actually AM the green ninja and you cant stop me.)
okkokokk this is a bit graphic cause. believe it or not. morro dies. so like. i will be describing that a little
annywaayyyysss morro goes to the cave of despair and. gets lost. falls a bunch. at some point he realises hes like completely lost as in like to the point of no return . and while hes panicking there are Fuckinf geysers gushing out and rumbling the damn ground. he falls but he doesn't die immediately. he breaks his wings first though. not that they would've helped him fly out. but im just explaining why his wings look so wilted and like theyre just 'hanging off' in his ghost design. its bc they r. those are broken wings that cannot move naturally . he cannot keep them folded bc they are broken
his cause of death was thirst . starvation was a factor too but like. thirst got his ass first (as it would anyone). he ripped his sleeves while venturing around the cave but he did use some to try and wrap around his wounds . didn't really Help tho cause he died anyway .
Extra fucked up fake lore ? Writers have feathered tails that fall off to impending doom. as a final play on a destined fate (Dying!!!! LOL!!!!). so like days before morro dies the feathers of his tail fall off one by one until there are None left . if it makes it any better it doesn't hurt like a broken bone . just imagine if one day you woke up to your.? idk? leg gone? like it didn't hurt its just gone and you can feel that its gone but not the pain of the loss. if u get what i mean. or maybe thats not the right comparison. idk. your hair i guess?
. in his last moments his thoughts are not of any happy memories Because he straight up has none sorry gang i dont want him happy. Ok kidding im sure he thought of wu. im sure part of him wished wu had come after him. im sure a part of him wished he hadn't stepped into the cave. but i also Believe he probably welcomed death pretty nicely. with a warm hug and all. he probably leapt into that mfs arms.
anywaygsss . he gets sent to the cursed realm (Whicg is crazy im not going to lie but apparently he did a bunch of crazy shit while looking for the FSM's tomb so. maybe deserved. i dont know.) and the preeminent is like Yooo what is this freak doing here . Do my taxes. and morro is like Ok but u have to curse some realms. And the preeminent is like Yeah i already planned on doing that
also its only BC he went to the cursed realm that his wings are black in his ghost form!!! it looks more decayed and Cursed that way
ok yeah thats all the stuff i made up i think . unless i missed something. i dont think i did
also Lloyd would not have had his wings while he was being possessed . he only had like traces of them (ghost feathers would fall off his back when he moved but they weren't /actually/ there . it confused the fuck out of the ninja the first time. they were like Woah your voice got deeper. Why are you shedding feathers.)
morro is my favourite fucked up evil OC im so thankful they didn't give him a redemption arc thank yiu so much i love it when villains refuse to be redeemed even when given the chance im cheering adn clapping. morro never get revived. thank you.
#i know you technically asked for only wing lore#but i thought the other context was necessary for my design of him...#:3#do i tag this#ninjago#ninjago morro#just so i can search myself#fake lore dump by leg#all of them are my ocs sorry i dont make the rules#genuinely morro isn't even one of my favs for me to be doing all this#but icl hes very silly and i love him#i just realised i never specified any age#i assume he died at early 20? maybe like literally days after his lonely 20th bday#he left the monastery at 15#so he did fucked up things for 5 years#which i think warrants enough sins to end up in the cursed realm#probably? i guess#not normal about species-making btw#ask me about my madeup species for roby and bleckt. ask meabouGETS SHOT#ask me about what i made roxGETS KILLED BY A TANK#ask me about my madeup species for shintaro. ask me the difference of shintaro and ckGETS MAULED BY A BEAR#blabberpar
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worst trope is found family separating as soon as the antagonist is dealt with.
#yes this is about voltron and it's also about guardians of the galaxy#what james gunn did to gamora in GOTG3 is criminal#i understand why they did it but to end with her GOING BACK TO THE RAVAGERS?#fail end.#seriously#and it doesnt even make sense bc ofc the high evolutionary isnt going to be the last problem they would deal with#in just a few years they encountered 5 people trying to destroy the universe and who were incredibly difficult foes#youre finna tell me there will never be a situation like that for the rest of their lives?#gtfo#and mantis' end was dumb too not even sorry#i can tolerate drax and nebula's ends.#but everyone else?#stupid#even peter's ending was fucking moronic. bro can pop in on the weekends he doesnt need to be a live in nurse for his grandpa#it's just such a major letdown and sucks everytime a director/author decides to split up the found family permanently#at least with voltron you can rationalize it by saying 'oh they never really wouldve hung out with eachother if they werent forced to for#voltron and werent forced to fight a war together.' and i can see it bc none of them DO hang out together before voltron#they barely even hang out AFTER they become voltron#keith and shiro hang out bc of the adoption/fostering/mentoring thing. lance and hunk MIGHT hang out bc they were already teammates#it's important to note that we never really see hunk and lance being bffs. theyre just friendly to eachother.#this becomes even more apparent once hunk and pidge actually become friends. it's very obvious hunk was just being friendly to lance.#just friendly.#(take this with a grain of salt bc ive only watched the whole series one time. i refuse to acknowledge anything after se 2.)#so yeah it does make more sense theyd all go their own ways but not even the small friend groups stay together at the end!#pidge and hunk are in completely different galaxies from eachother. same with keith and shiro#lance is isolated from all of them bc post se 3 writing team genuinely hated him and failed him as a character.#but GOTG3? they CHOSE to band together time and time again. they CHOSE to be a team. they CHOSE to be family#for every single one of them to say 'nah fuck that i want to be on my own bc uhhh reasons!' is a lame ending.#period.#gotg3
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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THE LAST DND GAME AND WILL'S POWERS??? bruhhhhhhhhhh
So we all know that the DnD games are used as foreshadowing alllll the timeeee. WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS~
In Hellfire's final DnD session, Vecna didn't die so the Party has to fight him again. They need a substitute for a missing member, so they look everywhere, but come up squat. (Sidenote: the people Mike asks for help have similarities to Will! Artists, nerds...) Finally, they find an unexpected sub: Erika. An OG party member rolls an 11 and misses– but the sub rolls a nat 20 and defeats Vecna.
Who fails to defeat Vecna first?
It's pretty clear that Eleven will be the one to try and fail to defeat Vecna. Her powers have been heavily leaned on for help in every Season– this time, not even Eleven can stop Vecna.
But the substitute can.
Who could be a substitute for Eleven?
Who is capable of fulfilling her role?
Who has been as integral to the overarching story as Eleven has?
Who has been compared to Eleven time and time again across the series?
Which character has been denied autonomy throughout the show, constantly being kidnapped, possessed, hurt and forgotten?
Which character deserves to fight back against the force that has terrorised them for so long?
Who did the series begin with in the first place?
That's right...
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
...
...
...
It's Steve. Steve's going to defeat Vecna, and he'll do it in those sweet-ass sunnies.
#ok yeah its will#IMAGINE WILL WITH POWERS#HELL YEAH BYERS#FUCK HIM UP#GET HIS ASS#I MEAN HE'S LITERALLY CALLED WILL#LIKE WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WAY BRO DUH#But like actually#There are so many things about Will's experience in the Upside Down compared to the others that don't add up#How did he blink the lights he apparently couldn't see#And what made the lamps change so fast#And how did he survive that hellscape as a fucking twelve year old#And why is it stuck on the day he went missing?????#His force of will is more powerful than we think#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#st5 predictions#stranger things 5 speculation#will byers has powers#will byers is twelve#willel#st5 theory#will byers#twelve gate#twelvegate
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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at what point does it stop being a bit and start being concerning
#the thing they did for ur top 5 artists with the circular graph was so funny bc the rest of the artists were super varied#then bob’s just appeared in july and never fucking left#shoutout to my 858 streams of sunny side up summer#also shoutout to james marriott for actually remembering his top listener thank you video this year#he looked a little confused but he had the spirit <3#(sorry for no art recently uni lowkey kicking my ass but i’ll be back in like a week)#rambles
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"fnaf is the scariest game ever" "no its silent hill" "well i think its resident evil" everyone shut up!!!!!! youre all wrong. its actually zack & wiki quest for barbaros' treasure (on the nintendo wii) but only the level "keeper of the ice". that level scared me so bad as a kid and you can tell because its the only individual level i remember the name of off the top of my head. like there is nothing scarier than a) being chased and b) being on a time limit. and you know what this level has? BOTH OF THOSE. this level is still scary to me im like AHHHHH!!!! and then i die
#i had to google horror games after i thought really hard for silent hill and fnaf#because like. resident evil is just not a horror game in my mind... its just cool zombie game...#to be fair though. the only one i actually played a portion of was re6 which is probably the least scary one in the whole series#anyway do the kids still find silent hill and fnaf scary. i dont know.#well the former id say yes given how prevalent ps1 horror has been in recent years#fnaf i have no idea. im a massive wuss so its scary when i play it for myself#but watching someone else play them especially when i know them well isnt scary#and ive watched fnaf videos for YEARS#so i dont know. (old man voice) these damn kids... back in my day we watched markiplier scream at freddy fazbear and we LIKED it!#anyway its objectively a horror game and thata literally fine thats all i needed for this post#MY POINT HERE. my point here#IS THAT HIT ZACK AND WIKI LEVEL KEEPER OF THE ICE. IS SOOOOO SCARY#its not that scary but i see tjat level and im like 3 years old making my mom play this level for me again#and for the record yes me and my sister really did make our mom help us with z&w#she remembers helping us with frost breath the most because we like did notttttt get that one at all#and she could never remember how to do the mirrors based on what combination of stands is there (because tjeres like a few variations)#so she always had to look up a guide 😭😭#my poor mother on fucking gamefaqs or something in like 2010... legends only#anyway if you have no idea what level im talking about (any of my oomfs reading this that isnt end) (hi end) PLEASE look up this level#and i need you to think of like a 5(?) year old making her mom play this game.#this aforementioned child is still a massive wuss as an adult btw. some things never change#anyway watch that level and think about how someone like me. whos already a scaredy cat!#imagine how someone like me felt at age 5 possibly younger playing this level#I WISH I COULD LIKE CONVEY EMOTIONS OVER TUMBLR. why cant i attach a .emotion file to this post#anyway ramble over <- hes said that like a million times today#scariest level in a game ever...!!!!! FUCK that keeper of the ice bitch im GLAD he died#muffin mumbles
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tbaf parkner vs wanting to say i love you but not letting themselves say it before they're eighteen bc of their promise to each other vs the relief of finally saying it: two 5+1 fics, one from each pov.
#how did i end up working on tbaf when i was planning to work on hb?#i have no idea#but i also have no complaints#part one of harley's pov (bc he turns 18 before peter) is done#working on part two#i cant remember if this was the one i had planned to post next or not?#and i have the list in my phone which is currently updating and taking ten fucking years to do so#so like.... harley's pov 5+1 might be the next fic in the series#but there also might be another fic before it#should i know this? yes#is it embarrassing that i've had most of the tbaf series planned for YEARS and i cant remember this one thing off the top of my head? kinda#do i care? not as much as i probably should#parkner#tbaf#pt 1 of harleys is their first fight as a couple btw#i never picked out the specifics of what the 5 parts will be#so im tryna pick what part 2 of it should be#anyways happy thursday evening o7
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tw abuse in the tags
#my dad decided that he was going to share his posts on threads where he trauma dumped shit with me and my sister#and it pisses me off so much that he can talk about all the trauma he’s gone through#and all the shitty things he’s gone through#and literally anything and everything that’s happened to him#but won’t acknowledge that he abused me my mom and my sister growing up#i got the worst of it all bc ofc i fucking did my sister was his favorite and i knew from a young age that she was#still is tbh#i’ve only been back in contact with my dad for a little over 5 years and since then there have been 3 separate occasions#where he’s acknowledged what he’s done to me and how it’s affected our relationship#the last one being last year where he actually apologized#but the first was in 2019 when we first started talking again and then again in 2021#and then last year in 2023#and i can’t talk about the shit he put me through bc he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it#and it pisses me tf off that he can do literally anything else to better himself#but the minute i want to even throw a passing fancy towards our past he freezes#and i feel like i have to change the subject bc lol dad’s uncomfortable!#i’ll admit i don’t talk about the shit he put me through willingly to anyone not even my therapist#but how the fuck are you going to sit there and trauma dump to the person YOU traumatized? and won’t talk about the trauma with?#fuck all the way off that’s fucking bullshit and we all know it
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As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.
#speculation nation#bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!!#well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol)#but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad.#i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning)#he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay#but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and#thats my dad. Thats my Dad.#im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go#dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone#so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant.#and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one?#take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say.#but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did.#seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him.#makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me#we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad.#sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today.#negative/#death/#hospitals ment/#idfk. sorry
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another childhood bucket list item obtained: i finally have a snuggie
#and it's the real thing not even a knockoff#kinda surprised they still exist#but also not surprised bc Blanket. blanket is universal#i just remember a lot of those As Seen On Tv ads like. imploding within 5 years#they still do As Seen On Tv products like there are still boxes marked with that logo it almost feels wrong like an ancient relic#bc most like. ubiquitous 2000s brands from my childhood are just Gone or at least so fundamentally changed it's not the same thing#heard about like 50 more companies going bankrupt probably in the last year alone#anyway ive always wanted a snuggie it's one of those Always Wanted things that never go away#others include: staples easy button (obtained!); mini fridge (not); pillow pet (i had a knockoff once); power drill (not)#i spent a surprising amount of my childhood actually going out of my way to buy stuff i could use in my own apartment in the future#i grew up lower middle class and then just lower class#so like. i always Knew i couldn't just furnish the whole apartment at once i Knew I'd have to build stuff up over time#also bc when my sister got kicked out she had like. nothing. in her trailer. and i did not want to have nothing#i knew if dad was willing to just toss out my sister like that i would absolutely follow suit#and i did! two years younger than my sister when she was!#it just happened that my mom didn't want me homeless at FOURTEEN when i legally could not work for two more years#so she went with me and we lived with my grandma#so take that dad. turns out throwing family members out willy nilly makes the rest of your family not trust you or like you!#and now i get to rub it in his face that HE can't function in a house by himself and still needs to beg my mom to clean up after him#bc i spent so much of my childhood getting berated and called lazy for not doing chores#getting told stuff like 'you have to function by yourself your parents can't always pick up after you'#and then he's literally useless without his wife#he's not disabled and he's not neurodivergent he's never even had a serious health scare he just doesn't bother to learn how to clean#his excuse is that he doesn't know how to use the washer and dryer (it has been almost ten years fucker. learn)#or he doesn't know which cleaning products to use (you have google and a library card. LOOK IT UP)#he's the only person i get mad at for this behaviour bc he's a fucking hypocrite and a child abuser about it too#he is the exception to my rule of everyone needs to be given the space to get things done where they're able and deserve help when needed#and I'll bend over backwards to make excuses for other people so i DONT exclude them from my rule i will try to find every good reason first#he has no fucking excuse though he made two teenagers nearly homeless bc he thought we were too lazy and then he's even worse
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The vibe really deteriorated as the day went on, and now I'm sitting in bed, awake, feeling like garbage
#it was an okay weekend but i was jittery and numb for most of it#tried to write christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. cried while doing so and then had to lie down after i did 5#i got frustrated with the story i'm writing and considered dropping it or deleting the whole thing#spent friday alone pretty much all day which normally i'm fine with but for whatever reason made the loneliness really hit hard this time#spent all thanksgiving day waiting for a familial confrontation#got asked by my 6 year old nephew how old i was and then he followed up with 'well why arent you married what are you doing'#which i'm pretty sure is something he heard in a conversation someone else was having and he repeated it bc he's 6 fucking years old#which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid#but that made me feel really shitty#spent an hour today panicking about this dog virus#and in between all of that i was self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses#which made me feel awful bc it made gaslight myself in thinking maybe i wanted one?#which is so fucked up to the max and i'm so sorry for even putting that here#but i put this all here bc i could never have this conversation with people irl#they'd get too worried or they'd think i'm overreacting or i need to date or need to do something with myself besides read#i'm so sorry everyone#i'll try to be better#i just had to put this out somewhere#and i didn't put this in a journal bc my last entry sounds so teenagerish out of context i don't even want to look at it#anyway i have to try to sleep i have to go into the office early tomorrow#i'm sorry guys#i really am😔
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saw a starfish on the beach today & was absolutely ENAMOURED - literally 3 of us were just squatting over this tide pool watching him move
#stream#omg i just remembered i was the last 1 to change / shower & i had just walked back from the cold ass shower thing to rinse off the salt &#punya came over & he was like ‘brother …’ & i was like what ? & he went 😏🫴#& i asked what do u want me to give u ?? ‘a cigarette u motherfucker’ ‘u know what i would love 1 TOO bitch but GUESS who smoked them ALL b#it WASNT ME !!!’ 😭😭😭😭 AKSJAKSKAKSKKSKSKAKSLSKSL#& NOW I DONT EVEN HAVE A VAPE BC OF THE FREAK BRIT THAT JUST WALKED OFF W IT#i’m still not upset abt it i’m more so just bewildered ? just shocked ? like i didn’t even care to try to get it back i was just like ok ?#i’m still shocked by it bc it’s just so#COMICAL ? LIKE ??? 😭😭😭😭 did neither of us speak english like 2 entirely different messages weren’t sent#LIKE ITS NOT A DISPOSABLE THIS IS A RECHARGABLE REFILLABLE VAPE#it was just 20£ & getting 2 disposables are also 20£ from the off license & i used literally like 80 ? 100ml ? in it ? so saved money#regardless but i did buy a pack of pods but 1 of the 3 that i used didn’t end up working & that was the third on it excluding the original#battery & those are 10£/pack so 30£ overall for what would equivalently be like idk probably around 10 of those 5k off license vapes which#would yea be 120quid so including the price of the vials themselves it’s 3-for-10£ used 5#so that’s 50£ bs 120£ even w the cost of a new device say + 30 that’s still only 3/4 of the price of what it would be using dispos which ar#cheaper than cigarettes REGARLESS#even the 30/120 that’s still u know literally a quarter of the cost it’s just a bigger upfront cost but it’s significantly cheaper long ter#STILL SAVING MONEY …. i say as if addiction isn’t inherently a waste of money but u see to that argument i budget it like food bc that’s ho#addiction works it’s just going to continue & ur going to include it in the budget as if it’s a PHYSICAL NECESSITY TO LIVE#to be fair sometimes it is lol like bro i couldn’t stop drinking w/o being in a hospital bc alcohol withdrawls can literally kill u#like my blood pressure was over 180 at 1 point when i was detoxing in hospital 😭😭😭😭😭#SCREAM#anyway#forget that#happy new year 2024.5 😍😍😍#my new year starts now fuck u the first half was just warm up#could i stop smoking if i wanted to ? yes ! will i ? absolutely fucking not !#IM ALLOWED THIS AS A TREAT#THAT I INHALE LIKE OXYGEN: CONSTANTLY
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why do men
#UGHHHHHHH. trying to sort out room allocations for my uni house next year and. hang on i need to set the scene#firstly there's 5 of us. secondly - and crucially - in that 5 there's only one guy. we'll refer to him as housemate M#now this guy is like a little brother to me. i love him. he's great. our sports club thinks we're either cousins or dating. great guy#apart from one tiny issue: he's got mad only child syndrome despite in fact having an older sister#so he doesn't want to share. he doesn't want to compromise. he especially doesn't want to take one for the team and have the small room#that no one wants bc it's small and doesn't have a mirror. this is where the guy thing comes in bc the rest of us are all girls#and we each Need Mirrors. we also just Have More Stuff. and not to be a misandrist but he's a man how much space does he really need#so this is already a problem bc we've taken months to even get to the point where we're actually figuring this out#and now!!!!!! housemate M is being obstreperous!!!!!!! he refuses to take said small room!!! he wants a big one!!!#he's forcing housemate Z to give up the room she originally wanted and making her take the small room!! he's being a dick!!#and i HATE THIS bc i KNOW what's going to happen#I'M going to have to take one for the team and take this miniscule room that won't fit my stuff and will doubtless trigger my claustrophobi#just so HE can be comfortable!!!#this is making me so mad. this is making housemate Z so mad. why are men like this. he's not even 19 yet get a GRIPPPP#BECAUSE ALSO!!!!! housemates M and H did JACK FUCKING SHIT for this house. they contributed ZERO to this whole process#me and Z and J did EVERYTHINGGG. so why are me and Z now being forced to compromise??????#I HATE LIVING WITH OTHER PEOPLE. SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD#uni life#<- if it doesn't KILL ME FIRST#2nd year
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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