#and the mere thought of betraying his established ideals disgusted him

[therussiancourier]

// blood warning

God, Forgive Me

I've finished what I started. I got rid of this nagging burden on my shoulders. Did it make me feel better? Was it worth it? Should I have died so painfully? No one deserves it. No father deserves his son to die like that. No sister would want that to happen to her brother. It's painful. It's scary. It's lonely. I can't stand it. Did you really have to force yourself to suffer in order to finally understand the lesson? Without that, you wouldn't have anything in your head, would you, 76? Did it help you find yourself, did it become the "key" that you have been searching for in what seems like eternity? Why, just why? I already had everything I needed, and I didn't even acknowledge it. I don't have to suffer to deserve the title of a human being. I'm an idiot, I'm a jerk, I make a lot of mistakes and I bring a lot of pain to others, but first of all to myself. Through what I do to myself, my loved ones suffer. And I'm tired. I want to rest, I want to be safe. I want to be myself. I don't want to force this person to go through all this for an empty goal. I don't want Clyde's friend to suffer, because who am I to hurt someone he cares about? Who let me play the sculptor of myself? Who allowed me to treat this man so carelessly? You don't owe anyone anything. You are not in debt to yourself, you do not have to torment yourself in order to calm your own soul. I don't have to torture myself to calm my own soul. I will no longer bring unreasonable pain to this person. I will no longer bring unreasonable pain to myself. I am me, and that's just a fact. And does it matter compared to the universe how much I resemble myself from the past, how much I've lost, how many years I've spent on something I don't understand? I'm just a speck of dust, and that's fine. I don't have to worry about such things. I am me, with all the losses, with all the gains, pros and cons. And I don't give a shit what gets molded out of me in the future, because I don't want to disfigure it anymore. I'm just a fucked up man, that's all. That's my whole point. I'm a weirdo, and that's a good thing.

From 76 to Ulysses