#silence just turns to screams
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a-realm-of-thoughts · 1 year ago
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Thoughts. From 11/8/2023
"Run, Run for your life"
Thoughts that came up while listening to "Get Out Alive" by Three Days Grace
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Running....right, as if its so easy going down that mental path that's destined to make me constantly fall in a dark and cold area. One seemingly inescapable...
Wanting to reach the end of the path to some hope of light, but then something else triggered. It wasn't the light of hope, but the eyes of a beast full of what brings the negative drive towards insanity coming to chase me down and tear me apart once more.
"Don't hide your mistakes cause they'll find you...burn you"
Mistakes are the same as failure, tears one apart with no fucking remorse...
I've felt like I've made so many, ones I can't get rid of. I feel like a mistake, like I wasn't meant to be on this forsaken planet.
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generalsdiary · 27 days ago
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drunk alhaitham who yaps about the improvements the sumeru education system should make & kaveh, also drunk, attentively listening- the literal most beautiful man in whole of sumeru, with sparkly red eyes, messy blond hair, and a soft blush across his cheeks, with his full attention on the autistic scribe. flustering alhaitham to the point he stops mid sentence, averting his eyes, "oh fuck."
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joelletwo · 10 months ago
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[The Final sugi dying kitten betrayal -> utsuro-gin fight -> sakura boat imagination -> completely tonally consistent with these ginpachi-sensei closer]
now listen. u know i would rather die than post five nearly-uninterrupted minutes of a fight scene. so take that into consideration.
#slight--#flashing#--in the first scene but i tried to cut the worst of it#sopping wet gintoki posting#videos#my computer is screaming at me. can i recall my thoughts.#i think theyre INSANE for that utsuro falling -> takasugi bound on the ground watching shouyou's execution transition.#rereading the manga fight scene. there IS some. how do i want to phrase this. unreliable perspective fuckery. retconning of memories.#nonliterality Mind Tricks. but like. things still happened. this movie here takes it so far that im like. IS GINTOKI EVEN REAL?#is this just the gintoki that lives in takasugi's dying brain and utsuro's dying brain that utsuro got from shouyou's humanity brain fungus#being his shinigami/psychopomp to walk him thru his first ever death. guhhhhhhh. littlest baby on the planet who is afraid of dying.#<- i love utsuro with all my heart. sorry for being mean to him at first turns out he's the char of all time meant for me.#anyways i think the movie is. SO BALLSY to stretch reality so far for their climax fight. and in such a. way.#taking place in complete silence. almost no actual fighting in the 200 Chapters Of Fighting arc fight scene conclusion.#reanimating so many key moments just to canonize the identity blurring triangle between three dead guys (tho gintoki gets kicked out of#the world of the dead on that sakura boat. sad.)#just a really ambitious thing to put in this aesthetically ugly and boringly standard as hell movie. AND TO SERVE WHAT END.#more standard as hell jump Power Of Friendship in the end. just with some extra weird cannibal ouroboros endless mirrors gay ass flavor.#<- gintama has always been abt making and surviving connections im not mad abt that but u know. got so generic lol.#thoooooo rereading the manga scene and understanding the plot more this time i do like the feeling that utsuro wasnt defeated so much as#just ran out his time. being kept busy from causing more problems in his final hours w a pointless fight hed never be able to turn down.#[about to digress 20 more times] anyways what else. theres an utsuro soft expression when he regrows sugi's arm that i like. interesting--#choice. i also cut it but i love gintoki wandering gaze avoiding sugis eyes dying in his arms. and his fighting back tears so badly.#the way the dynamic and emotionally destroying shot transitions dont stop even while sugi's dying. someone on staff was working their ass#off for him and i appreciate that.
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applepies-and-starlight · 4 months ago
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Hhhhhiiiiii chat the OCD is kicking into high gear again and I do Not feel great 👍
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my5hiningstars · 5 months ago
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#i know i won't shut up abt 5sos but the real question is will i ever go to a better gig than darren criss in [redacted] 2023#like i didn't even know half his songs before i went and i still had the best time i've ever had at a gig#literally the energy in that room was insane#and like... better than any gig i've ever been to in melbourne like#smth about being in a smaller place that artists don't often come to Especially not internation acts#everyone was so like... polite?#like they were doing concert so well they weren't being assholes and yelling when it wasn't their turn :')#which is so annoying i hate when a crowd is so roudy that it feels like a classroom and the teacher is waiting for everyone to shut up#like we can still have a good time if u respect the fact that some of us are spending hundreds even just Getting here#idk maybe i'm a music snob i just think there's something so magical in a quiet room full of people#like when something really beautiful has happened you can sit in it for a second#the pressure to cheer like... the idea that a moment of silence will somehow offend the artist who created the moment#i tried to find another concert on the tour where the crowd was as in the moment as we were for the line#'i believe there is music in the silence' and then he like#puts the guitar down and heads to the piano to do the rest#but it was so gorgeously quiet it was breathtaking i cried#it might have helped that he played the first half entirely accoustically no mic no amps#bc the venue was small enough and also designed to amplify naturally#but we all had to be so quiet to make sure everyone heard it so it just#the music hung in the air so magically y'all art is so good i'm still crying nothing will ever beat that concert i'm still chasing that hig#luke was nearly that magical but tbh..... the audience kinda ruined it for me at times :/#also he was nervous and kept cutting off the moment by saying 'thank you' like we get it ur a humble king but like#you have to let a song like place in me Breathe when it's done#you have to give the crowd a chance to go holy fucking shit what the fuck and THEN start screaming and Then thank them#but i'm truly such a snob it's the worst#honestly thinking abt how those lads are always improving tho he'll get there#by the time he's darren criss' age he'll be killing it even more they all will
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autism-swagger · 2 years ago
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While I think it's cool that they acknowledged Tara's asthma in 6, I honestly feel like they could've utilized it more. Like could you imagine a chase scene where they have to hide, because Tara literally cannot run anymore? It'd be so insanely tense, especially if she's having an asthma attack while they're hiding
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abluescarfonwaston · 5 months ago
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My new system at work is held together with anger and chewing gum. Nothing has made me hate a system more than sitting next to it for forty minutes while it blares alarms. For no reason.
Joining my coworkers in the dream of taking it apart with sledgehammers and burning the site down.
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milf-harrington · 2 years ago
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oh my god so back in november i went op shopping with my mum and i found this awesome jacket, like it was legit love at first sight with this thing, but it was $100 and neither me or mum had that kind of money for a jacket so i had to leave it behind and ive thought about it at least once a week ever since
anyway, i go to mums this arvo to say merry christmas and all that, and she hands me a box and i'll give you three fucking guesses what this woman went back to the op-shop for
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sherlock-is-ace · 1 year ago
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#i had such a horrible melt down today... god i just need this week to be over!#i burst several blood vessels around my eyes temple and nose from crying too hard and for trying to do it in silence#and i also figured out that my big smart plan of hitting myself in the head as to not leave marks nor break things doesn't work#because i now have a fucking BRUISE ON MT FOREHEAD#goddamnit#i can hide it with hair but i really need to find a different way to cope...#i used to throw shit around but years of being screamed at for breaking toys or whatever i had in my hand at the moment has forced me to#turn the destruction upon myself#cause at least i'm not breaking shit other people paid for#but damn my head still hurts and now i have to hide the stupid red spots in my hairline#if my mom finds out she will most likely kill me ahnfjsng (not really she will just scream at me and call me stupid for hurting myself#which in turn will make me hurt myself more probably...)#it's a hard thing to admit i self harm. and i never really thought of it like that but it's getting worse so i need to stop#it started with scratching myself when i was too anxious and it turned into full blown out meltdowns...#i had to fight the urge to hit my head on the wall which is scary#like it took all of my willpower and the realization that people would hear me and maybe i would draw blood which would be harder to hide#that's what made me not do it... not the fact that self harming is bad and doesn't help...#like that's a scary thought to have...#i can think about it rationally NOW but in the middle of the mess? nope hitting is the only solution#i'm exhausted and so fucking embarrassed about it#i hate living with my messed up brain#i have to leave the house tomorrow... and because i mask still the only thing vissible will be my fucked up eyes with red dots around them..#that's gonna be fucking embarrassing as hell?!#not worse than when i gabe myself a black eye tho#that wasn't self harm that was just me fainting when sick and falling face first to the floor lol#anyways... i'm off to bed i just needed to vent ahfnsjf i'm fine now#and i'm gonna do my best to find better coping mechanisms i promise#angel talks#personal#tw self harm
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Moodboard
#gets good grades to the point of weirding out teachers but cannot cope with daily life#literally sorry but imagine what i could've done if i hadnt been traumatised for life since like birth.#literally not to be that person but this is eating me alive#mentor talked about a previous student of his with a similar amount of shitty incidents in his life#and how he'd asked said student whether they felt 'struck by fate/doom' and i was like yea that's exactly how it feels#get born to shit parents who have a shit divorce and 1 is certifiably insane#the other moves his horrible gf in who proceeds to abuse you until you develop worse dissociative symptoms#and then ur dad has to kick u out bc he is also out of options#so u go live w ur certified insane mother who apparently pulled a knife on ur dad!!!#and who pulls hair out of your head and lies to the police#u end up in a clinic where someone tells your dad 4 the 1st time he cant just threaten you#you end up in a grouphome where no one has time and your crying is ignored and turns into wailing and screaming#because youre 16 years old and have never learnt to regulate ur own emotions + fear someone will come in and kick your ass into silence#ur 20 and end up in a different place with a front door that locks and staff that respects your humanity#and you just. gotta try to pick whats left of ur life back up#the pain + exhaustion + emptiness vs good people and good grades and the idea of a good future#but one you can never rly get because you don't have the capacity anymore
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gonzodangerfeels · 6 days ago
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I usually just squeeze the carotid a little bit letting you continue to breath
If I am in a mood I might restrict breathing too though.
#I am so in tune with you I can be trusted#it becomes like you are choking yourself#and I want enough mind aware what I am doing to you....in class ... well we needed to fix those ears#you see me all loving on you but meanwhile my super conscious mind has sent my wrist shooters into your canals#to be 17 and convinced medincine is in fact useless#and so FINE I WILL DO IT MYSELF and I never changed#you ponder over the curious look I gave you when you said your ears are busted but I took that as just not quite where they need to be#me: serious as fuck for a moment of thought of silence#I didn't care about the spoken words between us we obviously didn't need them#and it must have been the blonde hair and makeup (not much! just enough!) that threw me off#oh I am a sucker for what my eyes see#my visuals are so crazy I convince myself hallucinations are real#sometimes they are but it usually involves something cool not that whack shit#I need my weapon for screaming commentary on my thoughts sometimes#“no! what are you doing we need to kill them all!”#he calls out Dead! suddenly and I'm like son did you call me in here?#and when I go in I have to pick up one empty can otherwise it is a wasted trip#mmm the things I had to do to bring back a once dead#but really I am envious of how chill he is#and as a father that makes me proud#you know me sometimes I am like alright let's be funny now#he will start a rant and it turns into some goddamn Dave Chappelle bit#well in This Book it's Cannonical#or cannonicall#and yes the little girl in you that liked hanging out with me also wants to hang out with him#and you should he's fucking hilarious#best birthday present mom ever got I bet though#her old broken shell was able to trip out on her birthday anyway#she cried#I had cried enough over him...
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darthteeth · 1 month ago
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URGENT!!!Help Abdul Salam Al-Anqar and his family get through this war in Gaza!!!
(URGENT) THEY ARE AT €3,445 OUT OF €50,000 GOAL
I was asked by @nader5555 to make this, if u cannot donate please please share this post. Copy pasted from a message i was sent:
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"Only a Few Hours Left Before We Enter Our First Year of War, Genocide, Starvation, and Displacement A Final Plea from the Heart of Hell: Save Us Before Hope Dies 💔🔥 I am Abdel Salam, and I have nothing left but words written by a trembling hand ✍️. The war has not only destroyed our lives; it has taken everything from us. Our home, which was once our refuge, is now a pile of rubble 🏚️.
My car, my only source of livelihood, was destroyed in a sudden strike 🚗, and the work that sustained us is now a distant memory 💼. Today, I live in an endless nightmare. Under a sun that burns everything in its path 🌞🔥, my family and I sit in a worn-out tent, a tent that shields us neither from the summer heat nor the winter cold ❄️. Insects 🦟 invade the place, diseases consume our bodies 🩺, and my younger siblings cry from hunger and thirst 🍞💧. We have no clean water or a crumb of bread to ease our hunger. Each passing day deepens the weight of this hell we live in.
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My Daughter Eman is Dying from Malnutrition 😨 My daughter Eman suffers from malnutrition; I have nothing to feed or treat her with. The deterioration of her health is killing me slowly. Every glance in her eyes, every pain she endures, crushes my heart 💔. How can I explain to her that what was once our hope has now turned into nothing but a mirage? The Night Only Adds to Our Pain 🌙 The night does not bring us rest; it only adds to our pain. We sleep on hard ground, feeling the cold in every bone of our bodies 🥶, with nothing but pieces of cardboard 📦 to cover us. My wife Aya cries in silence 🥺 as she watches our daughter’s future fade before her eyes. My mother Eman suffers from illness and needs urgent medical care 🩺💊.
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My Father Ahmed is Sick with Cancer and Needs Emergency Treatment My father Ahmed, who is sick with cancer, needs emergency treatment outside Gaza, and the cost of his treatment is at least $10,000, not including accommodation. As he suffers from severe pain, I cannot provide the treatment he needs due to our dire situation.
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My Siblings Are in Constant Suffering ⚰️ My brother Omar was unable to continue his studies due to the situation. My brother Nader could not take his high school exams, and my younger brother Mohammad suffers from brittle bones and needs treatment we cannot afford. Every day we live brings us one step closer to the end. Death surrounds us from every side: if not from hunger 🍽️, then from illness 🦠. And if not from illness, then from the despair that devours our souls. Where is Humanity? Where is the World? 🌍💔 We want to leave the devastated Gaza Strip to escape the machinery of destruction and killing and the severity of hunger and poverty. The cost of travel for each person is $5,000, and we are a family of seven members, bringing the total cost to $35,000.
Where are the compassionate hearts? Are you waiting for us to disappear into the depths of this suffering? Are you waiting until death takes us before you act? We are drowning, and we don’t have enough strength to scream for help ����. Will you let this cry go unanswered? 😭 Your donation today is our last thread of hope. With the little support I received, I was able to buy a simple phone 📱 to reach out to you. But the bitter truth is that what I and my family need is much greater. We are not asking for much; just enough to save our lives from this hell 🔥. Every donation, no matter how small, could be the difference between life and death for us 👐. Don’t Let Us Disappear in the Darkness of Suffering 🌑 Don’t let our story end here. Be the light that guides us to salvation 🕯️✨.
With every tear, with every pain, I write this final plea to you, Abdel Salam."
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nri-prioritise-your-voice · 1 month ago
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happy anniversary to the day that I stopped feeling safe in leftist spaces, the day that I started getting nervous to go to shul, the day that I no longer knew if my israeli friends would live to see tomorrow, the day that the world turned on me and my people
#israel is real#a nations state.#a place for others to phone in as home on a rough day out in the world or on the internet. under roofs and against dirty bloody ragged hands#I'm just not sure which one is pending for me to be on there next#to a privledged ignorance memorised by pain in reflective memory and justifying plain reasoning more so mere#u heinous our rigid names and resprung act into mentioning reek sporing our peoples and our numbers.#I am more than just a statistic I scream out to you.#then there is the ground#and the cityscapes#qnd the sky#the birds#and the clouds#and the stars#then#then there is god.#meeting you against all odds.#where am I to lay my hands once I am partially or even really more so in place.#where am I to lay when this presidents reaching apar and thru its reinsoroughed emotions and plaire#a monoreth etched into the skin of a mouses tail and three large rocks. a rep against my own mentality#and a soul that I am when you are ripped upon respotted resinireth motions and your own tar of rummaged scripts#crying out#when is it my turn#when is it my turn to be recognised as one with the people. who are also you#met in a crowd#so many faces are pale.#is this what it means to be human#I feel that my humanity is dying all around me. resurrounded by these soul minded rife reminders n rug manded rephrases rmmr.#a ghost in the crowd. but that is not me. but a silenced vow I spoke and met a long time ago yearning in my own rescripted spoken in grief#so long ago.#Im sorry your hands never cold enough to be met by another persons hands or love. really I am. ~seen only by you. for a moment.
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wawataka · 9 months ago
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i love having inside jokes with friends. especially if they’re crazy out of context
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pukicho · 3 months ago
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What's the weirdest dream/nightmare you've had?
Pukicho story time???
This happened in 2004, I lived in Ireland. I had one very particular dream that I still often think about to this day:
It started in an unusual flat, somewhere up high. It was modern for the time, it felt decidedly Y2K. Every piece of furniture, the walls, the lamps, they were all bright pink. It was so trendy that it almost felt like a parody of itself, but I was a kid, and my mind wasn't clever enough for the act of parody. I would've simply forgotten this flat ever existed if the latter-half of the dream didn't leave such a permanent mark on my memory - now I can recall every last detail.
I asked a stranger to use the restroom. The toilet was downstairs, so I opened up the door to a utility stairwell and began heading down, alone.
I could look through the center of the staircase column, it was pitch-black and there was no visible bottom. I remember going down the staircase for hours, literal hours - A dark, oppressive hum from pipes and vents blinded my ears and shook the inside of my stomach with its volume. I remember thinking how long the dream felt in this moment, I recall getting consciously impatient, but I kept going. My eyes couldn't adjust to the nearly invisible-darkness surrounding me so I put my hand against the walls and handrail for guidance and shuffled downward like a blind man without his walking-stick.
Finally, only a moment before the tension would have juddered me awake, I found the door to the bathroom. I opened it up; to my relief there was light. The room was rectangular, on one end was a boxed-shaped shower with fogged glass, on the other end, a toilet. The floor and wall were decorated by the same beige tile - it all looked hastily plastered. I sat down to do my business. At this moment, the ballooning anxiety I had felt outside had dissipated almost entirely. I sat in silence - I remember acknowledging the sheer contrast in volume between the AC-hum in the bathroom to the oppressive roar from the stairwell.
It was good to be sitting there. I remember feeling as though the dream had slowly turned into a nightmare - but consciously, everything felt right again. Nothing happened for a long time. It grew so boring and tame that my mind stopped focusing on the dream entirely, and I began fading into memoryless sleep. And then the lights went out.
At this point, sitting in a darkness even blacker than the one I had just emerged from, not even a hum could be heard. The only noise I could hear, and just barely, was my own brain-matter hitting against the sides of my ears, bellowing a deep subharmonic hum from within my own skull. Suddenly, every semblance of safety was ripped from my chest, and I sat there, feeling in greater danger than I ever had before. I felt a pressure so omniscient that it choked me -- but nothing came, nothing happened. I waited for minutes - minutes where each second could be counted down in scrutinizing specificity, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, and with no presumption, I felt coarse electricity pumping through my chest. I wrangled with myself in my own bed, feeling what felt like infinite pain pass through me. I could feel myself yelling from within the dream through the vibration of my lungs. A cacophonous buzzing bled into my ears as thousands of people screamed from within my skull. The cries of a falling choir ran-through their screams, like angels falling from heaven.
At the very same moment, a body appeared in the shower. It glowed yellow, so bright and irradiated I could hardly look directly at it. It caressed itself, clawing into its body like it was reeling from immeasurable pain. It moved unnaturally, squirming and spasming as if fast-forwarded. The glass blurred its details, but it did nothing to mask its energy. It was as if it held the sun inside of its own stomach. I felt as though an intruder entered my own mind and I had no power to stop it. Just being near it was enough to kill me, and I was already dying.
The wall of sound lasted not even one full-second - and then - a piercing zap shot me up from my bed, and that was it. I can't remember anything past that point, but I assume I went back to bed shortly thereafter, forgetting what had just happened, if only for that one night. I must have had a vapid dream, worthless and memoryless, unknowing that I had just lived a dream so dreadful that it'd stick to my psyche like tar for the rest of my life.
No other dream has ever felt that way since. It was as if a second-soul decided to visit me, a soul stronger and more omnipotent than mine. Surely a dream is just a dream, regardless of the feeling it gives you, but now I go to bed every night, wishing I'll be the only soul residing within its story.
End!!
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the-palelady · 27 days ago
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imagine simon who’s roommate has some SERIOUSSSS road rage (same). especially as someone who’s usually quiet it shocks the shit out of people to drive with me.
you don’t normally drive, but simon’s tired. he just got home from a long mission. however, the man’s gotta eat so you decide to take him out to grab a bite that way neither of you will have to lift a finger.
as always, it’s quiet. between the two of you not much is said, but it’s a comfortable silence.
until you get to a light that’s green, and has been for more than six seconds. that’s all it takes to flip your switch.
“go!!! it’s green for fucks sakes!!!!”
your strength mirrors that of superman with the way your palm slams against the horn.
and simon is lost for fucking words. his eyes snap over to you and he watches the crease in your brows, and the way your face scrunches into a scowl.
it doesn’t stop there though as they finally take off, albeit slowly. which simon notices only pisses you off more.
your fingers are drumming against the steering wheel, foot tapping the gas, and you’re literally riding the ass of the poor bastard in front of you.
“i will take both of us out if you don’t hurry it the fuck up.”
you’re punctuating your words with more taps on the gas. you aren’t screaming like before but your voice is borderline demonic.
finally they make a turn. you all but obliterate the gas pedal as you take off, and let out the breath you had been holding this entire time.
when you turn to peek over at simon, his eyes are glued to you, practically bulging out of his head.
and he has no idea whether he should be scared or horny.
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