#cnp rants

[wawataka]

every time i see something labeled as “4 years ago” im like oh so like 2018 NO its 2020

[wawataka]

for the life of me i can’t remember the ending of the movie. i remember branch turnging blue and i blacked out from there

i watched the first trolls movie blazed out of my mind and i swear to god that wasn’t a real movie

[lamuradex]

I got some writing feedback today and I fear it may have broken me.

It wasn’t bad, or even poor feedback. It just kind of hurt.

Me having a bit of a meltdown below the cut.

So, some explanation.

Back in January, I entered the Cheshire Novel Prize. Basic sort of contest, near 2000 entrants, you enter your novel, 100 get through to Round Two, like 10 make Round Three, and the winner is selected from them. The first round results were announced back in April, but it's old hat to me because this is my third year entering.

And I have never made it past the first round.

I've been entering the same novel, Stitches of the Mind, for three years, polishing it up more and more each time. But I've never so much as made it to round two.

Now, I’m not surprised by this, and it’s mostly fine. Sort of upsetting, but my rational side tells me its fine. 100 spots out of 2000? 5% chance? How likely is that?

BUT one of the selling points of CNP is that every entrant, no matter how far they get, will receive feedback on their entry. Which is great!

This year though, the contest did a bit of a number on me. My self confidence in my writing, and all around need to be validated, has been a little fragile the past year, and the CNP do a lot to build tension concerning who’s made it through, so it was a long tense build up, months in advance, to a simple disappointing loss.

But I still had the feedback to look forward to.

The feedback usually takes a while to go out, there are a lot of people to email, and I was patient… mostly. Started to get a little antsy by mid-September. But today, 23rd of September, my feedback arrived. And it was everything I should have expected. A lot of nice praise, some stuff I can improve (though that was a little vague) and a final summary of some general tips.

And buried in all that feedback was this line:

"There is so much to like about this novel, and it was so close to progressing in the competition."

And that comment felt like it cracked my brain.

I was so close to progressing. And I didn't even know. But I'd still lost!

And I'd just been given feedback that, had I known it six months ago, could have meant I finally got to Round Two, which is honestly all I could hope for.

But discovering that I was that CLOSE TO SUCCEEDING!

FUCK!

I... don't really know what to do with all this. I know there's another editing run in my future, because of course there is, but I am still struggling to process this news. I'd have killed to get to Round Two, and receive even that little bit of validation that this novel is worthwhile! But no. I missed it by inches, if the feedback is to be believed. After three years I still missed it by inches.

I'm just a little exhausted now.

I think I need to go to bed. I'm a little sleep deprived anyway, having stayed up too late last night, trying to track down my past CNP feedback on an old computer. And then the new one miraculously arrived today. What are the odds?

But yeah, that's the meltdown I'm having.

How are you guys doing?

[sneakystorms]

The fact this is being said by a policeman 💀

[jjoelswatch]

Big ol' health rant under the cut.

I'm beyond frustrated with my care team and how hard I have to advocate for myself to get tests/labs done.

I've been not feeling well symptomatically for over a year, and been dealing with lack of appetite issues for about three years. Started with right side stomach pain last August that led to potential gallbladder issue concerns. I had every test under the sun to rule it out (abdominal ultrasound, upper scope, HIDA scan, stool sample) and everything came back okay aside from some inflammation (no H. Pylori, no celiac, no gallstones, no ulcers-- gallbladder, liver, pancreas, etc function all normal). So it was just like "well okay, I guess nothing's wrong with me except that my right abdomen hurts from time to time" and I tried to move on with my life.

I started having strange neurological symptoms back in March of this year (tingling/numb sensation in my face, strange senses of touch in parts of my face-- like parts of my face felt like a balloon). I've always suffered from ocular migraines with aura and no pain (and flashes of light/visual snow), so I thought it was just fun new migraine symptoms. They went away for a few months then came back in full force with even more fun symptoms (tingling in my hands and feet, lack of sensation in my right leg but not total numbness, a gradual increase in forgetfulness/short term memory issues that are SO not the norm for me, middle back pain??), so I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist and went to my shitty CNP "doctor" (disclaimer, CNPs are not doctors despite how the American healthcare system treats them like doctors) and basically pleaded with her to run bloodwork on me and to try to do anything to get me into for brain scans or something. Because weird neurological symptoms are super scary and it's hard not to assume the worst when you're experiencing them fairly suddenly.

She ran my bloodwork and found that my B12 levels were really low. I learned that B12 can cause literally all my symptoms, so I was relieved and they put me on 4 weeks of weekly B12 injections, with the plan to start monthly injections afterwards. She also told me they were going to test my bloodwork for folate levels and talk to one of the doctors in the practice to get to the bottom of what's causing my deficiency since I wasn't anemic or vegan/vegetarian. I felt...hopeful? and like we were headed down the right path.

Well, the office failed to click "submit" to order my blood to be tested for folate. So my CNP couldn't work with the other doctor to try to puzzle out what's wrong with me.

I was feeling pretty good during those 4 weeks of injections. My memory was sharper and my symptoms were gradually reducing (there is apparently something called "nerve wake up" when dealing with neuro issues from B12D, which can still cause symptoms to show). I knew that recovery would be gradual, as it can take 6 months to a year to really recover from neuro damage/issues from B12D, so I tried to stay positive. But a week and a half out from my last weekly shot, my symptoms returned with a vengeance.

Now my symptoms are a right leg that wants to cramp up from hamstring to calf, a left toe that just...twitches of its own accord, other random muscle twitches/tenseness, and (possibly unrelated?) increased acid reflux issues. My neuro appointment isn't until the first week of October (because the US sucks and it literally takes 5-6 months to see specialists at the bare minimum), so I messaged my doctor in a bit of a panic with some questions about my symptoms and asking if we could more aggressively treat the deficiency, because like...I'm concerned about perma nerve damage at this point?? And she tells me she's going to refer me to a neurologist without answering any of my other questions or trying to see me any eariler.... If she'd looked at my file or remembered our last conversation, she would know that I already have a appointment with one.

I caved and did several things. I tried to switch to the other doctor in the office she said she was going to work with to get to the bottom of my issues, because...why not go straight to the source? That failed, as the practice "doesn't do that, as a rule" which like...okay? Desperate for relief, I started sublingual supplements of B12 (fucked up at first at did the methyl version which just didn't agree with my body and switched to the same form as my shots were). I started seeing some relief in my symptoms, including my muscle tension in my leg (which was previously causing me to have trouble walking) and some of my muscle twitching.

I also called the neurologist's office like, "listen I know you guys haven't seen me yet, but can you order some scans to give me some peace of mind?" and they finally agreed to send me in for a cervical spine MRI and an EMG. I did the MRI only to find out that the reason they had me down for one was "neck pain" which I've literally never said I had and they didn't include a brain MRI like I'd expected given my symptoms. MRI turned out fine, which was a relief as much as it was kind of expected. The EMG is yet to be done (on the 28th).

I finally had my appointment with my CNP on Monday for my first monthly shot and to do labs, including the folate lab they screwed up. I told her that I wanted her to run labs for the missed folate, iron, vitamin D, magnesium, and copper. She sort of...laughed at me?? and told me that we ran those labs already. I told her to look at my chart because we didn't, and she obviously had to walk back her sentence and was like "I don't think we need to run labs for vitamin D but we can if you want?" and of course I said that I did. She refused to run labs for magnesium because that was "a more serious lab" and then said she "didn't know how to even test for copper because that's a heavy metal". I get my labs done, get my first monthly B12 shot. She sends me on my way with "depending on how your labs turn out, we'll see if we need to continue B12 shots"...when it can take a year for my symptoms to correct themselves.

Go figure~ my labs come back - the labs I had to TELL her to order for me - and out of a desired 30+ range for vitamin D, my level is 7 lmao. Thankfully I still am going to be getting monthly B12 shots since my levels are higher (due to self-treating) but still low. I also have to take vitamin D and a multivitamin now. She also referred me to a hematologist because I brought up the MTHR gene that can affect B12 absorption since I'm not anemic or vegan. I just want to know what's causing this deficiency, because she seems to have dropped the ball on the matter altogether.

I'm close to a week out from my last shot now and my muscles are getting tense and twitchy again. It's so, so hard to sit here and tell myself that this healing process is just going to take time-- trying to reassure myself that my muscle twitching is just "nerve wake up" and not a sign of something much worse. I've been going quietly crazy worried about ALS, Parkinson's, or MS because these deficiencies can mimic their symptoms. I just want it to be the 28th so I can get my EMG done and over with, and then see my neuro on the 2nd of October. I so tired of going to the doctor. I'm tired of feeling like they don't take me and my symptoms seriously. I'm tired of feeling like an annoyance. I'm tried of having to go out and do my own research and then bringing that research to my doctors, because between the two of us, I don't have a fucking medical degree. I'm tried of hearing "don't consult Dr. Google" when what else am I supposed to do when you're not doing your job thoroughly?

I'm just tired and I want to feel better.

[sirensplayhouse]

This ask just reminded me

Okkkk so I don’t know if u guys remember but i was one of the anons who was complaining about this ig blog who kept shoving her beliefs down peoples throats and saying revision isnt natural and how people in ur life arent real and blahhhh blah blah. She found out 🤭 because earlier today, she removed her pfp, deleted her posts and sent me a message. I was debating sending this bcus i was scared of her but Idc bc what she gonna do?? Roar at me?

Here’s what she said:

(she said the r word so just a beware)

cnp: “you’re a stupid ass bitch i hope u know that lmao. ranting about me to another account and swearing your beliefs are right. u really think my followers wouldn’t tell me? bitch they sent me screenshots you thought you were slick PLSSSSS I’M PISSING THROUGH MY PANTS 😂😂 thank fuck i don’t have tumblr, stupid ass apps for retarded ass people 🤣 revision isn’t a proper nor real manifestation babes because tell me why you didn’t get your desire the first time if revision is so “real” 😂? why’d you have to revise it 😂? retarded cunts. y’all dumb ass mothafuckas think you can go on other accounts and hate on the LITERAL truth. shut the fuck up pls it’s embarrassing LMAOAOOA 💀 anyways! don’t bother asking me for help ever again!!! i’m leaving this toxic ass community. ”

🤣nahhhh drop the @ because one thing I don’t play about is that , because first off ain’t nobody gotta screenshot shit off my blog because I said wtf I said and stand on 10 tens behind it😂two , she can go to the deepest depths of hell twice on a Tuesday 🖤and three thank fuck she’s leaving the community with her toxic limiting ass beliefs the hell😂

and I hope whoever sent her the screenshots see this too and send em😘

and heavy on the wtf is she gonna do 😂got me hot over here

[wawataka]

every time i see a potato smiley i am immediately reminded of evil potato smiley and by association, mogami keiji

[wawataka]

things to say after your packer falls from your pants

my eyes are up here

is that your phone on the floor or were you just excited to see me

five second rule!

[wawataka]

draw dimple controlling reigan like ratatoullie

h. hair pulling and everything?

[wawataka]

made these edits for the age swap au. dies

[wawataka]

i’m debating if i should participate in mobtober or cringetober or both. take this while i figure it out

[wawataka]

finally they’re slowly making serizawa and reigen the same height like god (ONE) intended

[wawataka]

i miss that wonderful period of time where manga readers were able to gaslight the anime only mob psycho enjoyers. three characters died in their eyes

[wawataka]

i need them to put reigen arataka into fortnite

[wawataka]

i think the idea of ritshou and terumob happening at the same time is hilarious. the bloodline ends with all of them

[wawataka]

genuinely if mob choir ever decided to branch out or something and hold concerts to perform the mob psycho OP/ED’s live i would pay real money to see them