#restricting during the day just makes me want to binge when i get in the house

[starshipheartofg-erti]

so turns out that eating disorder scientists actually do know stuff about eating disorders... who knew

[willowisdead345]

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧habits that have made me able to stop binging✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

For me, what helped me stop binging was turning eating into a ritual of control. Instead of giving in and binging, I now get joy from doing my “rituals” and being strong, stronger than the cravings. I used to always think that I couldn’t do anything about binging, I didn’t have the control etc, but I’m living proof that anyone can do it and go from a mess of an ed with years of binge-restrict cycles to losing 14.5 kg and finally feeling like I am in control.

Disclaimer: These habits are, well, HABITS. Do it EVERY TIME you eat. Every single time. That’s what actual habits are. If you only try to use these with binge urges, they won’t be as effective as they would be against binging if you make them real habits. It might seem ridiculous and stupid, but making eating a ritual of control makes binging so much easier to avoid.

(this is long so click to read)

Mindful eating & control

Repeat “I am in control” whenever you eat. Whenever you eat, despite the fact that you don’t see a risk for binging, you have to make a habit to not eat if you can’t repeat “I am in control” every time (in your thoughts). Making this a habit is important, you have to train yourself to automatically think it each time you are about to eat. This has been the most helpful for me, and the joy I get from repeating “I am in control” and feeling like it is the best part of st4rving for me.

Eat slowly. Let yourself completely chew anything, let yourself taste the food and feel its texture in your mouth. Concentrate on it, be mindful of it. If it’s hard to concentrate, you can count bites or swirl something inside your mouth, anything that will make you eat with more concentration.

Don’t distract yourself while eating. Don’t watch videos or be on your phone while eating. Be in a calm place where you can concentrate, and make eating the thing you concentrate on. Don’t just mindlessly munch.

Make eating an occasion. I don’t know how to describe this other than “sit down to eat”. Go sit at a table or the floor, have your food before you and make sure you aren’t doing anything else at the same time. Don’t eat while walking or on the move, don't eat while doing something else, even if you are tight for time. Eating can wait, don’t rush it or shove the food in without properly thinking.

Food habits & rules

Eat with utensils. Just eat everything with utensils like a small spoon or a fork. If it’s something you have to eat by hand, chop it into pieces with a knife. Something that will force you to eat in smaller bites, really helps with the control aspect to eat one piece at a time.

Track the calories BEFOREHAND. Count the calories of what you’ll eat beforehand. If you eat less, you can change the calorie amount, but having a certain portion decided beforehand can prevent you from eating more than what you’ve already tracked.

Take one small portion at a time!! When serving food for yourself, take a small portion and eat it mindfully. If you’re still hungry or know you need more energy, take another small portion, but not before thinking about it. This way you won’t have the urge to eat everything off of your plate, and to give yourself a chance to assess if you are still hungry or need the food, or if you are just wanting to munch.

Have meal times. Have times when you eat, and do NOT eat outside of those times. Regardless of if you are hungry, eat during the same times each day or at the very least decide when you’ll eat in the morning or the night before. Don’t make eating an answer to hunger, make eating a task that has to be done at a certain time. Might sound like you’d eat more, but having a habit of not eating every single time you get hungry does actually help. I eat 4 small meals a day, the same time each day, and I find that having a routine of when I eat I don’t end up eating as much because I have a rule that I won’t eat outside of my meal times despite craving something and I feel like the right thing to do is numb the hunger with water.

Do not buy binge food!! If you live with someone else and don’t have the choice of what is in the kitchen, don’t bring binge food into your room, and instead have low kcal foods kept somewhere where you won’t have to see binge food. I know, sometimes you’ll binge on anything (frozen bread straight from the freezer…) but not having the treats on hand makes it easier to resist moderate urges.

Take pictures, take pictures. You don’t have to make them weiads or show them to anyone if you don’t want to. The point is that you will be evaluating if what you’re eating is “good” enough for you to eat. I make weiads which helps so much with accountability, but even taking pictures for yourself will make you think about the food and choices. I really recommend this, it’s been one of the most helpful habits for me.

[youmeandthestarsss]

My experience with transits pt. 1

(Y’all as I’m typing this the transiting ascendant is in Gemini exactly conjunction Jupiter in my 5th house and I just have to say astrology is so accurate because I randomly just got the energy to start typing this)

Saturn transit my 2nd house: So first I’m going to start off with the positives. Ever since this transit, I’ve started saving up, got a debit card, being more wise about what I spend my money on, judging price tags a lot more, working more often, and overall became more serious about making money. But despite all of that I still REALLY hate this transit!!! Not because of the financial aspects of it but because of the physical. The 2nd house can be associated with food, clothing, and material possessions. And when it came to food istg there were times I could barely eat. I kid you not, 3 bites of food and I was DONE. FULL. I’d sometimes go almost a whole day without eating because of being bloated the whole day!! I stopped having an appetite, I could only eat small portions of food, and because it’s in Pisces, I’d sometimes drank too much water and would get completely full off of just that. Ngl there were also times I damn near felt like I couldn’t swallow my food and would kinda choke on it. Which makes sense because the 2nd house rules the throat and Saturn rules restrictions and blockages. And because of all of this I lost so much weight and I’ve become super skinny now😔🥲. I seriously can’t wait for Saturn in Aries just so I can go back to having a large appetite, getting thick, and binging everyday😭. I will say though if you’re looking to lose weight or eat better this is definitely the transit that’ll get you right but if not then you’ve been warned😭. Now when it came to the clothing aspect of this transit, I got rid of most of my clothes and gave them away but since I’ve been trying to save up, it’s been hard finding clothes that look good on me now that I’m skinny and all the clothes that I do want are super expensive because of inflation. And this has really impacted my self esteem bc of having to wear clothes that look super baggy on me now and not having the money to purchase ones that I do like. Also, returning stuff as well. This is all so Saturn in the 2nd house lol.

Jupiter in Gemini transit my 5th house: Watching tv shows a lot more, going out to watch movies, downloading games on my phone, being more active on YouTube and some social media platforms, driving more often too, road trips and short distance trips, and texting and using email more.

Uranus in Taurus transit the 4th house: So this transit happened in 2020 for me and ever since then I’ve noticed so many things. First of all Uranus rules sudden events and unexpected changes. And in my home since then, I got a bigger bed, numerous things in my house breaking so then having to buy new things to replace them, my family dynamics changed a lot, family members moving in and out of my house, family members dying, kitchen and bathroom appliances breaking all the time, changing the color of our house, desiring a new house, going house hunting, painting the doors, gardening, making our house look more “earthy”, erratic behaviors from my maternal side of the family, stray cats living outside our house, and house bills going up!

Transit Jupiter in Aries through my 3rd house plus Jupiter transit in Gemini: During these times I started learning how to drive, earned my permit then my license, spent a lot of time doing school work, used email and text a lot more, doing research on cars, and practiced driving almost everyday and even drove on the highway for the first time

Mars transit my 6th house: I spent a lot of time working and tried to pick up as many shifts as I could. Downside of this was that I got in some drama with one of my coworkers because she was not doing her job and I was left to clean up after her. I’m a Capricorn yall I can’t help it.

Transit moon in Aries in my third house: I got into an argument with a teacher at school

Transit Uranus square my moon in the 6th house: The 6th house rules ur physical body and when this happened I had an episode of my iron deficiency. I was literally at work when it had happened and felt all the symptoms and almost passed out

Transit Pluto in Aquarius conjunct my ascendant and Venus: I’ll probably make a separate post about this transit in the future because there’s a lot I can say about this transit. I’ll keep it simple but ever since it happened in early 2023, I’ve had to reevaluate how I see the world and how I view people. Its also increased my desire to glow up and get surgery and some other cosmetic procedures done. Wanting to change the entire way I look, changing and upgrading my wardrobe, investing more in makeup and beauty content, building up a Pinterest board, facing reality, changing my type in men, constantly reminding myself that glitter isn’t always gold, constantly reminding myself that life isn’t social media, constantly reminding myself that people are just souls at the end of the day, struggling with detachment since aqua rules detachment but Pluto rules obsession, and etc. lmk if you want more info about this transit!

[treestellmesecrets]

My favorite sk!nny strategies:

♡ hyley's colon cleanse tea ($10 for like 40 teabags on amazon next-day shipping, thank me later). You drink this after your last meal of the day and the next morning you wake up and empty out, and your bowels feel so relaxed after. This has saved me so many times. I've even used it while traveling because I kept getting suckered into eating more than I wanted to.

♡ eating dinner early. When I work I eat right after I get off (about 4 pm), when I don't work I eat as early as 1 pm. When I'm on my A game I fast the rest of the night.

♡ walking. I walk to work, walk on my lunch break, I love to go for long adventures on foot. This is essential for my mental health and when I am diligent it def keeps me thin.

♡ running. Winter always gets in the way of this great habit, but I continue to try and build back up on the treadmill even during the cold months. I'm nowhere near as dedicated as I could be, but still -- I genuinely love running. It makes me feel strong and hopeful. (And keeps me thin.)

♡ riding my bike. I adore riding my bike. The feeling of the first springtime ride is unmatched. It's great exercise, a fun hobby, and obvi, transportation. Biking instead of driving def keeps me thin.

♡ being [whole food] vegan. Animal fat immediately stores on the body as fat. It's nearly impossible to stay thin eating animal products. If I wouldn't have gone vegan I'd be fat. It's crazy. That being said, I reached my highest weight as a junk food vegan as well, so it's very important to eat WHOLE FOODS and I now keep processed to as close to 0% of my diet as possible. Now, my diet is super excellent and I am passionate about it as a vegan and you bet your ass it keeps me thin... lol. (I want to work toward eating as high raw as I can as well.)

♡ remaining focused. Being thin and having a flat stomach is literally CONSTANTLY on my mind. It's that important to me.

♡ restriction. This one is too obvious, but throughout the day I enjoy barely eating. It keeps me focused and energized. If I were to eat during my workday I'd be sluggish and tired. No thanks. So while everyone else eats a big lunch at 11 am, I'm just getting started on NOT eating for the day.

♡ green juices, especially fresh. I recommend the Hamilton Beach big mouth juicer. It's about $60, makes fabulous juice, is super heavy duty, and mine has lasted me over a decade. When you give your body so many nutrients from juice, you aren't even tempted to binge later, because your body already got what it needed. Seriously, this is the secret to it all.

♡ coffee + l-theanine. L-theanine is an inexpensive supplement (I get some for $10 on amazon) that takes away all negative aspects of caffeine like jitters and anxiety. When you pop a tablet or two with your coffee, you only experience the positives, and it's even more of an appetite suppressant. I don't know about everyone else but if I drink too much caffeine I need to eat a big meal, but l-theanine stops that in its tracks and is replaced with a sense of calm. I don't need to eat all day.

♡ plant based protein shakes. Need I say more?

I'll update as I remember more of my secrets ...

[sug4rfr33jell-o]

My tips on how to avoid binging based on my experience

Since I just screw up after days of neglecting some of these things when I'm normally doing pretty good lol

High volume low calorie food. I usually eat a bowl worth of steamed broccoli which is pretty filling. For dessert frozen berries are my go to! This definitely helped me being satisfied.

The food above are food I enjoy. I add sriracha sauce on my steamed broccoli to make it more savory. It doesn't have to be broccoli or sriracha sauce, but you get the idea right? You can look up high volume low cal food and for ways to add flavor without adding much calories if at all. Being able to enjoy my food really helped me have less cravings.

Plan ahead. It just feels so much safer for me to have an already established meal plan as it helps setting a clear limit.

Be reasonable. Stick to a plan that you feel confident is within your reach. After a binge, don't try to restrict more cuz chances are you'll just binge again! Accomodate yourself in a way that will help you stay consistent. We're all different, not everyone can fast or restrict the same amount and that's ok it's not a competition. If you need to (I know I do) avoid looking at others' food logs and WIEIAD. Focus on what works for you.

Popular one I know but it's a good reminder, filling up on water and safe drinks of your choice (there's kind of a debate when it comes to some of these drinks so I won't name any but just go with what works for you)

Did you know? Eating less than 50 calories won't break your fast! Knowing this definitely helped me during my fasting periods. Sugar free Jell-O is usually my go to (*looks at username* how surprising) and pickles are good too when I want something crunchy. Having a safe food under 50 calories actually motivates me to fast cuz I can look forward to that specific food I allow myself during that time period. Perfect when accompanied with a safe drink! Again, doesn't have to be the same food as me but you get the idea.

Please note that these are my personal tips. You don't have to do exactly as I do but I felt like sharing these could help a few.

I kinda wanna insist on the one about being reasonable tho. What good is a diet if you can't stick to it? Consistency is key, right?

Also if I share these it's not to encourage anyone to self harm but on the opposite, it's to help them not hate food & themselves more than they already do. The amount of times I saw someone posts about hating themself and never wanting to eat again after a binge is so real and I totally understand how it feels.

[emma4nastuff]

My story with 4na :)

Hey guys! So for this post I decided to share my story with my ED (ana). Plus some of my favourite thinspo! 🫶🏻

My journey started in 7th grade at 12 years old (I am now in University at 18yrs). Puberty hit, and I gained precisely 12kg, going from 45kg to 57kg. During a vacation in Spain that year, my parents invited their adult friends along with their skinny sons and daughters who bullied me for my weight, body, and preferences (music taste and related stuff).

Our parents were aware of the bullying but chose not to intervene. Instead, they would let them occasionally comment on my weight, comparing our bodies, which made my self-consciousness grow stronger. Prior to the bullying, I hadn't been self-conscious about my body, but afterward, I became determined to lose weight.

Upon returning from vacation, I had a routine check-up with the doctor who informed me that I was overweight and needed to shed some pounds. This news saddened me further, as I was already unhappy with my body. Determined to make a change, I began exercising and eating healthier in June. By September, I had managed to drop to 47kg, which brought me so much joy, though I still aimed to lose more weight.

I began skipping meals and exercising rigorously, especially as 8th grade commenced. Initially, I woke up at 6 a.m. every day to work out, although that habit disappeared quickly due to my love for sleeping and hate for early mornings. Nonetheless, I persisted in skipping meals and exercising, simply adjusting my workout schedule to other times of the day.

By then, my scale had stopped working, leaving me uncertain about my weight loss progress. However, in the middle of 8th grade, around May, I grew weary of the restrictive habits and attempted to reintroduce regular eating. Unfortunately, this led to significant weight gain. Come summer (August), I found myself reverting to old patterns of starving, exercising, binging, and repeating the cycle throughout 9th and 10th grade.

As a result, by 11th grade, I weighed 62kg. Upon visiting the doctor, he once again said that I was overweight and advised further weight loss. Despite my efforts, I found myself gaining it all back again. The recurring cycle of binging left me feeling constantly upset and discouraged.

Then, 12th started, lost more weight but then went back to 62kg.

Now I'm in University! I'm losing all this weight. I was 62.5kg when I started and now I'm currently 51.6kg, I need to get to 40kg which is my goal weight and I'm not going to binge this time!! Wish me luck!!

Hope yall liked my story and yeah, just wanted to share a little bit. That's it! Byeee!

[blubushie]

How long have you been clean on alcohol man?

Since this morning!

Ah, I'm just joshing. But I did have a drink last night.

I've got this thing worked out where I only drink on weekends and I don't let myself get maggot. I stop at tipsy (usually on Friday nights—Saturdays and Sundays are just one or two drinks per day for flavour and not enough to affect me at all). It's good for practising my self-control. Once Monday rolls around I'm cut off except for a beer ONCE during the week, and only the one (and that won't elevate my BAC enough to cause dependency).

I don't know when I actually went clean as in no longer dependent but I know it was sometime in early to mid December because I had another relapse around late November and wanted to not be like that when I went home to my kid. So I weaned off and by the time late December came around I wasn't having withdrawals.

Total abstinence unfortunately doesn't work for me. Maybe it's the culture or whatever of Australia but it just. Doesn't work. Even here in the States, if someone else is drinking, I'm hit with that need to drink and it becomes so overpowering that I'll end up binging instead once no one's around to supervise me. Maybe it's because of the recklessness from the ASPD, maybe it's because of the constant intrusive "just one drink" thoughts from my assumed OCD.

Either way, it makes total abstinence hell, so instead of not drinking at all, I'm focussing on drinking responsibly. And it's working! I can drink on weekends but I'm restricted to one beer a week and I no longer have withdrawals when I go without drinking. I can go off alcohol entirely without fuss because I'm not trying to go off alcohol. It's just that when I have to tell myself "you can't drink AT ALL EVER", it makes the intrusive thoughts that much worse because then drinking is all I can think about.

We're managing. :]

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hi! I wanted to ask for advice on how to deal with extreme emotions controlling how much I eat or don't eat?

Something I wanted to clarify is that when I don't eat, I'm not starving myself on purpose, but when I do eat, I am purposely binging.

For a long time I lost weight thanks to being too anxious to eat. I would throw up during anxiety attacks, and lose my appetite for weeks during periods of stress. I was severely underweight and many doctors assumed I was dealing with anorexia simply based off my weight, even after I explained I wasn't losing weight on purpose and just had extreme anxiety affecting my eating habits and making me throw up.

Nowadays, my depression is a lot stronger than my anxiety. (I am dealing with grief from multiple deaths in the family, I'm disabled, and because of my life circumstances, it's very unlikely that I'll ever be able to live independently or work outside of home)

While anxiety makes me throw up or lose my appetite for food, depression does the opposite. I binge eat out of depression. I feel bored and aimless all day so I try to fix it by overeating, and I don't feel like a normal person when I eat. I plan out my binge sessions and consume way more food than what's healthy for me, even to the point where I physically feel sick from the bloating, or from eating foods that I'm sensitive to since I suffer from GI issues. I don't feel full after I finish binging, and it's starting to become very disruptive.

On the one hand I'm glad that I have an appetite and that I'm not at an unhealthy low weight anymore but I realize that what I'm doing now isn't an ideal coping mechanism, either. I'm having a lot of trouble coping, I don't have a doctor who I see regularly, and I can feel myself spiraling out of control. How do I learn how to eat normally?

Hm. This is such a complex situation. Chronic health conditions can be so difficult in these situations. If you're able to access counseling, I'd say start the process of finding a counselor who's a good fit for you. This will be someone who can guide you with a tailor-made plan just for you, and can adapt it at every step of the way. If you get someone who has expertise in eating disorder recovery, they might know about some of the health issues you ought to work on addressing. If you can get a new doctor, I absolutely would. The root issue here seems to be the stress vomiting, and you absolutely need professionals who will listen to you and take that issue seriously. Both a primary care provider and a mental health counselor might be good resources for helping you take on a multipronged approach to that problem. I'm so sorry you had to experience a doctor who wouldn't listen to you.

I understand your need to binge while you feel able to eat to get your body weight up. Do be aware that by prolonging this pattern, you may be ingraining the binge-restrict pattern more deeply into your body and mind. This is typically a pattern with people who are trying to restrict deliberately, as their bodies get more and more desperate and then when they do allow themselves to eat, they get out of control. It sounds like your body is creating a similar response because when you're depressed it knows you can reliably keep food down. But unfortunately ingraining this cycle into your body may cause long-term health issues too.

It must be so tempting to continue the cycle of overeating since it seems like a way to kill two birds with one stone. It balances out the times you can't keep food down and regulates your weight, and the dopamine from the binge gives you an easy boost out of the depression. But binge eating isn't a depression cure, especially not as it sinks into a pattern, and you said yourself you've noticed you include eating foods that make you feel crappy because you literally don't care. This is not helping you fix your relationship with food, I'm guessing. And it also won't help you learn to work through depression in a healthy way. Doctors and counselors might be able to help you with that and anxiety too, which I bet would help your relationship with food as well.

For the short term, do what keeps you alive and keep eating what you can when you can. But make sure you immediately prioritize accessing resources that will help you to break this cycle. If you're not finding the right doctors or counselors, switch. I know it's hard. I know it's a daunting process. But you've got to invest in you if you can. Be compassionate with yourself if you have setbacks, because it sounds like life has really been walloping you with obstacles and you've got to keep in mind that no one copes perfectly with circumstances like that. I hope things get better for you in spite of the many obstacles that have been thrown your way.

[lullabybug]

I made it 5 days b/p free! Life is so much more tolerable when you aren’t making yourself vomit several times a day. I’ve been restricting really well these past 5 days so I’m honestly proud of myself it’s always been so hard for me to get out of a b/p cycle let alone go right to restriction immediately after. I think actually seeing my clothing size go down multiple sizes has made me scared to go over my calorie limit and even though I usually don’t gain anything real from the b/p cycles anymore, my weight fluctuates so bad during. I know you’re not supposed to but I weigh myself every single day so seeing it change all the time was so taxing on my mental health it’s not worth it right now.

TW for mention of numbers below

I’m at 103lbs right now and I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my body I still want to lose more but I don’t feel so rushed or desperate to get the weight off. I’ve changed my diet a bit to be a bit healthier now because I want to be as healthy as I can be for fall because it’s my favourite and the only time of year I’m not extremely depressed lmao. Eating healthier has helped my chronic illness symptoms as well(wow who would’ve guessed) so I’m just overall mentally and physically feeling better although I don’t and never will like the side effects of restricting.

I’m going to try and hold off binging and purging as long as I possibly can now that I know I can reach my goal and when it does inevitably happen I’m going to really try and not have it become a cycle like these past few months I just need to keep being consistent.

[michiquette]

i started listening to ✩══╡milk fed by melissa broder╞══✩ today. i've had it on my to be read list for more than a year and i don't remember why i even added it to it (was it recommended, did goodreads put it in a collection of sorts, did i stumble upon it online, did i deem it a book that a smart person would read, did i think the cover was funny or cool?) but i don't think i know, or at least i don't remember knowing, that one of the main topics of the book is restrictive eating.

i don't think i'll make a full review on here later, so i'll just state my short opinion here even if i haven't finished it yet (i'm like 75% done) before i dive into how i'm feeling. i like the book. mostly, i felt like it's entertaining and that most of the depiction on restrictive eating and bingeing is very accurate. i like accuracy, specifically when i relate: it makes *me* feel real.

big issue here: even though to some extent i can relate to "falling out" or "forgetting" your disorder when you fall in love, i don't think it's accurate. when rachel is hanging out with miriam, she immediately forgets about restricting. when i started dating my boyfriend, i would eat on our dates, but i wouldn't forget about restricting, i would be eating and thinking about how i would compensate later, how much i would exercise and how higher my step count should be. even if loving him would make me feel whole, made me feel like starving didn't matter as much at the time, i would point as my past starving as my reason why he loved me in the first place. i know this is a really really really self involved way to think of a book, but it's something that made my brain itch when i listened and this is my blog so i can be as self involved as i want. but i won't judge the book because of it, and my rating (so far i'd say four stars) will be undeterred by this thing that i said.

and that's about it.

now, going back to how i'm doing. i really did not expect that this book was about that. i've been feeling weird lately. i've been feeling empty, like there's something that i'm missing. a new obsession, a new pain, anything that could hold some importance in my life, something that could tell me what to do.

i don't feel like killing myself, i've slowly started to let go of the idea. it passed like a rainy day, left me feeling like it never happened, like it's even stupid to believe that water could fall from the sky; but i can see it on the freshness of the plants, it has rained. my body has new scars.

so, what is there to do? what? what can i do? where can i get the dopamine from? or serotonine? or whatever chemical my brain is itching for. and milk fed rolled onto my lap, saying: remember how fun? remember how fun it is to starve, to count, to feel pain, to feel empty only in your stomach, to feel high off hunger? and i do, i do, i do, i do, i.

i'm planning to starve again. no, more accurately, i'm planning on restrict heavily. plan out what i'll be eating during the week and have the meals ready on the fridge every second of every day, have it logged as numbers, write it all down in different surfaces: apps, papers, skin, numbers. oh, how i miss the numbers. it excites me just to think about the numbers. steps, calories, kilograms, kilometers, pounds, grams, days, hours, units, dozens, servings.

i'm going on a ramble, i know, but it's just making me so giddy to write this post. i won't join edtwt, i don't think. at least for now.

[lostinatrainofthoughts]

cultivating mindfulness when it comes to eating!!

eating slowly, savouring and really tasting the flavours of each bite, and chewing your food well instead of just engulfing all at once really helps. it makes me feel happy and appreciative of the food that warms my stomach and keeps me full and motivated to continue my day. listening to your stomach when it's done also helps resist the need to eat more than necessary and eating in moderation.

ive always been a big eater ever since i was a kid, so obviously it would show on my body! i would always be a victim of fatshame when surrounded by a room full of skinny people. i would just always stand out. without fail, my uncle would just call out to me while i was eating just to ask why im fat in the middle of a family function, among a sea of people. my aunt would bring me to exercise time to time to lose the weight. my grandma once told me that being fat is ugly and no one would want me when i was 14 and i locked myself in the toilet and sobbed.

it was when i met my high school friends that how i viewed myself was alittle different. they asked me how to get my body and i was like huh???? but i'm fat. they were like what? no youre not. so that was mindboggling to me. til this day i can never seem to shake off that feeling. am i fat? or am i skinny? am i normal?

being scrutinised for just existing at such a young age messes up your brain, your perception of yourself, especially your relationship with food.

at 19, i did a really horrible calorie deficit of 600kcal each day and successfully lost 10kg in 2-3months? wild. but i wasnt happy. i got angry at everyone and hated food. then i binge ate and gained back the weight i lost. at 22, i suffered from steroid withdrawal and couldnt eat gluten, sugar, seafood, tomatoes, eggs, etc etc. and that was a whole lot to remove from my diet. i was 48kg and that was the lowest ive been. i had that weight when i was in primary 6. so when i was 12. and what was annoying was how people kept telling me that i should eat. the same people that told me that i shouldnt be fat, is telling me to eat more, now that i looked like that. i was so angry. damn if i do, damn if i dont. after recovering, i resorted to eat all the food i was deprived of for a year. and gained back the weight. again.

got my first teaching job and i hated it, gained some more. because of all the stress eating. food was my comfort.

it was hard losing back the weight ESPECIALLY when youre happy. i love eating (albeit a lil too much) it makes me happy.

Got dumped two month ago, and lost the weight i wanted to lose before LMAO. i just couldnt down my food during grieving. now that im okay, i want to see food in a different light but also become fit. which means losing weight correctly. thus, eating mindfully. and its helped alot. not restricting or depriving access to food, but just eating things in moderation. i dont have to starve myself. i dont have to eat all that cake in one sitting. i can savour it and there will be another day to eat it. with the addition of drinking alot of water to. and alot of walks to clear my head. it took me awhile to get here but at least im here now.

[poisonavarice]

i wasn’t “good” at this before which is to say that i was way further in the binging side of things than the restricting side so i never lost the weight i wanted to. and when the idea of recovery presented itself i was like “sure why not”

but i didn’t really recover

i just forced myself to eat more regularly. and forced myself not to purge when the anxiety and depression spiral that normal amounts of eating caused made me binge

and so i got to my highest weight at about 250 and slowly started trying to work my way back down without being obvious

but i’ve been saying to everyone all the time now about how i have stomach issues, digestive issues, can’t eat much at a time, get really nauseous if i eat certain things, etc. for years and laid the groundwork for no one really suspecting anything when i only have a protein shake and a granola bar during my 16 hour work day.

and now i can avoid most food without effort because people won’t offer since i have stomach issues. or they won’t be offended if i decline because they know i have sensory issues. or they’ll offer me sugar free stuff because i say that sugar makes me feel sick etc.

i’m winning rn

[flwer-tears]

good morning everyoneeee. I barely slept last night but i had to get up early today because we’re going uniform shopping, and then tomorrow we’ll be going school supplies shopping. Taking showers while on low restriction is HELL😭

School starts in 10 days and it’ll be the start of my sophomore year, i’m pretty anxious tbh 😭 i always end up relapsing during either summer or winter, but i want to keep going when the school year starts because i always find it difficult to do so. It’s just something about coming home from school that makes it so hard so resist food… (aka i gained half of my weight loss back from binging🥲)

but i know i have it in me to keep it up, i just need to be consistent. Anyways, i’m gonna eat watermelon for breakfast so i can get in enough hydration because the heat where i live is unbearable and can cause someone a heat stroke😭 I’ll check back in later 🫶🏽

[gleefullypolin]

Oh yes, I think he put time into cultivating that relationship with her even if he didn't realize how he was doing it at the time. I think he enjoys her attention and truly likes her for who she is but hasn't either developed or has ignored any romantic feelings for her simply because it's easier than dealing with something that could become messy.

I think Penelope even calls him out in the book for just running away whenever he gets frustrated and he finally has to deal with that. Along with his jealousy of her accomplishments in the book, even if no one knows about them, she's a grown woman doing big girl things and taking care of business while he's still escaping his life though he's years older than her. I always liked how the book held Penelope like a mirror (ha!) to Colin as a reminder to him that he is both more privileged and more respected than she is and she still does what she thinks is right and holds strong to her feelings and deals with them in a way he has never even tried or, honestly, been expected to do.

Debling! I am very ambivalent about him to be honest. I was thinking about him and I had reread the book a while ago and remembered that Colin has a lot of internal thoughts about how he doesn't get how no one sees what he does and, at one point, gets jealous over a fake man he thinks she might have seen, etc. so in a medium like TV, it might very well be important that this become something tangible that the audience sees a progression of. Especially the dream, the majority of the general audience is going to need to be hand held into Colin's changing feelings and, of course, it's just fun to look at.

There's always a juxtaposition in the way the show treats the leading men with other women vs the one they're in love with and I feel like this Penelope/Debling thing could be the closest we get to an equal reciprocation of that sort of behavior with one of the women due to the restrictions women were held to back then.

Oh yes, I think they have both been on different types of pedestals for each other and they both needed to fall right off of them if these two as adults were ever going to have a chance of making this whole thing work. I will swoon right along with you!

Ooh my dearest anon this has been the most beautiful form of Bridgerton therapy that I didn’t even know I needed.

You’re right, he was growing their relationship all along, the glances her way, finding her along the edges of the dance floor, writing her letters when he wasn’t courting her to share his experiences with her of his travels. The way she made him feel about himself, seeing himself through her eyes. Their relationship was a seed that grew through small droplets of water little by little until it sprouts into a garden of desire that he can no longer ignore, invading even his wildest dreams.

I love that they are both writers, being a writer myself, I think that that is perhaps what has always drawn me to them as a couple. Writing and writers tend to draw to each other, and I love that they have that magnet as well. That they have much to learn from each other. Pen is brave with her writing, even tho she hides behind LW she writes even tho it is at great personal risk, but her bravery in her writing is something she can help teach to Colin. To help him find purpose.

I was a book virgin for season 1 & 2. I did not read any of the books going into the show. I stumbled into it out of boredom during the pandemic. I fell in love with Colin and Pen from day 1. Before this season I had to at least read their story so I found it online and binged it in a day. Now that I've purchased the book, I will pause and read it more slowly after part 1 has aired but I can see where I will enjoy some of what the show is bringing compared to what the book offered by having a proper real suitor who seems to want her involved to give her something else to offer her. But I’m still not interested in his face. LOL

I do think the general audience will need to see Colin’s arrogant swagger turn to mush at the mere mention of his eyes by one Penelope Featherington. They will need to see how his reaction is different and how she causes his reaction to be so different.  And if that behavior is necessary for that, then so be it with his whores and his behavior. I’ve always liked a bad guy attitude anyway. Besides, if these two are going to get hot and heavy and break some furniture, at least one of them is going to need to have a clue of what to do.   

[lemonflowercat]

75 soft: day 7

[x] morning yoga

i woke up feeling terrible about my body, and even yoga couldn't shake off the insecurity. in the spirit of acceptance and gratitude for what i have, i photographed myself as an act of self love. here's some me

[x] midday wxo

did a v fun animal flow/primal movement wxo! without even trying, it truly felt like play and not about perfecting the movement/how many reps i get in.

[x] meditate

[x] study 6h: 3h

didn't get much studying done, but i'm letting this week go by. i feel really weird emotionally and if a break is what my brain is feeling like, i'll give it to her.

[x] eat nutrient focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full

not counting calories is freeing and terrifying at the same time. i'm still using my meal tracker - but instead of using it as a log of calories consumed, i've decided to use it as a meal planning tool, to make sure i'm getting my macros in.

today i ate

- a spinach and cheese omelet for breakfast

- mango lassi for my morning snack

- lunch was disproportionately delicious to the time it took to put together: stir fried veg, boiled noods, a blended sauce of peanut butter, tahini, tofu, garlic, soy sauce and chili flakes, topped with a fried egg

- in the evening A and i tried out this new chai place that's opened nearby: masala chai, some chicken popcorn and half a grilled veg sandwich. verdict: overpriced chain store, would not do it again (except maybe for the masala chai)

- A and i fought during dinner time but that didn't stop me from enjoying my chicken masala takeaway with a homemade roti and a chikkoo milkshake

75 soft: break day

lemonflowercat from a few days back would call today a "cheat day" - and that's a concep i've decided to throw out the window.

i was a big proponent of cheat days - believing them to be a day that "fires up" my metabolism and gives me a break from restrictive eating so that the urge to binge doesn't build up. but when i look back at it now, i think these cheat days have done me more damage than harm.

first off, i'm questioning the concept of a cheat day doing anything for your metabolism. BMR isn't something that changes drastically over a day, it's a state of homeostasis that the body settles down on based on what i'm doing most days. which, when calorie restricting, is limiting the amount of fuel i'm giving my body - so naturally, my BMR slows down to conserve energy.

things that i can do to boost my metabolism are:

- build muscle, stay active

- eat more protein because digesting requires more energy

- eat to support my gut microbiome by eating variety of whole foods over processed foods, and making pre- and pro-biotics a priority

- supporting my hormone levels by sleeping well, having a regular meal schedule, making sure i'm getting necessary vitamins and minerals from my diet (NOT FROM SUPPLEMENTS - but let's save that for another time) and movement

at least for me, cheat days haven't helped at all in stopping me from bingeing - in fact, it's the contrary. by telling myself i can indulge guilt-free on one day a week/on a special occasion, i've fueled the food scarcity mentality in me - making me feel out of control around indulgence and treats.

i have to finish that bag of chips on said cheat day, i have to stuff myself with as much of my favourite high calorie meals all in one day. and if, god forbid, i end up indulging in one of these treats on a day that's not "a cheat day", well - the whole day has to be a cheat day now, doesn't it? because such food is only eaten on cheat days! - also the guilt when i slip up this way. oof. the guilt is enough to set me off on another week of bingeing.

by deciding to rid myself of this concept all together, i've now freed myself to eat whatever i want, whenever i want. just knowing i can do this makes me feel so relaxed around triggering foods too - i know i can eat chips any time i feel like it, so i don't have to finish this bag right away. i know we can order in fried chicken and burgers any time i feel like it, so i don't need to fit it into my cheat day along with puri bhaji for breakfast, a fish thali for lunch, a mirchi pav for evening snack and a chocolate pastry for dessert post dinner. if i've eaten an ice cream in the afternoon because it was so hot, i haven't "fallen off the wagon" and now need to eat biryani and kabab for dinner.

and most importantly, i don't feel like an absolute shitty gluttonous person for just. eating. a food. i like.

anyway - that's the end of my tirade. i had a v cute day! i started with some yoga, and then made myself some French toast with strawberry compote.

lunch was leftover chicken masala, mango salad, roti and this amazing new leaf i discovered - so the other day, while at the market, i noticed some greens i've never eaten before, and i bought them. i boiled them and blended them, because i think it's one of the best ways to really get acquainted with the individual unique flavour of veggies. and omg i absolutely love it! i've never had anything like it before - it's sour, bitter, but also kinda umami? it's so good, i think it's going to go really well in dal and i can't wait to make that next week.

i didn't study today, although i did intend to. A was home early from work and we just spent time fixing our fight. hehe. i love him :3 we got a lot of random chores done together and then my friends came over in the evening. we spent our time woodcutttingg 'TWAS SO FUN! although i picked a v intricate design without realising how my noob at this art form-self is going to have such a hard time carving it out. i hope i finish it tho. :')

then we went out for dinner to this chotu Marathi restaurant nearby. all of their food is SO spicy (true Marathi style), but also so good. here's my chicken thali. the white thing in the bowl is my absolute favourite - it's chicken rassa, basically a lightly spiced bone broth. this was the first time i had it, and um can't wait to make this at home! such a summer dish.

also ate some ice cream and went to bed happy and feeling loved.

[so-much-nonsense]

potential

one of my niche interests is binge watching. i am almost always watching something. one point in my life i ran out of things to watch. well, not literally, obviously, but i only wanted to watch certain things i completed them. stuff i did not wanna watch very often ends up being bad and boring than not. so as my last straw i have resorted to all languages. i watch content regardless of genre, language, country, age restriction(ahem thats not to say i am not old enough). anyways, during this process kdramas stuck with me as something to watch while i go to sleep or when i dont want too much plot and worry about or even think about it. they never came across having potential to me. i know a lot of others out there would disagree with me but this is just what i feel. theyre always slow paced, very bright, when not very bright trying too hard to be too dark(and failing miserably), no plot that hooks us up. but, BUT, recently, very recently, just 2 hours ago i watched a kdrama named long time no sex. obviously started off bc of the title but god it is so good. i mean, i have only watched 2 episodes really and that is the problem. so far everything they have shown me i cannot wait another 2 days for another two episodes. basically a married couple with no kids, pretty in debit and paying off loans and interests, a couple of insurances, but live comfortably. they start blackmailing others involved in multiple relationships. now the plot might not be the most interesting one ive watched, but the way everything is portrayed bw these two main leads, is more than unique. truly there are only a handful of series or movies that show this comfortable couple dynamic interestingly and god did this drama nail it. though they were a very active couple, they just stopped having sex few months or years back unintentionally and neither of them have had a problem with it. how they never stopped loving each other even though they havent been intimate is portrayed really well. the husband is literally the greenest flag everrrr. let it be when he remembers every single detail about them from 7 years ago or when he tries hugging her and reassures her that its fine if they dont have sex, or when he talks about how having sex is not a duty for married couple and when he sees that shes actually interested he recommends trying to get in the feel by telling each other things they like about one another, every single thing he likes about her is spoken so well and it is very evident how much he loves her. whenever theres a disagreement both of them proceed to talk it out in literally less than 2 minutes. though it might not be realistic, i mean, why is it not realistic? exactly! that is what should be going on and not hours of unnecessary arguments. he is really never afraid of being "lady like" and that makes him all the more manly because he is always very thoughtful and considerate about her and deals softly. no fragile masculinity exists here. i could go on about this man but ill stop lol. i can guess what the future episodes could host but i dont want to this time. this time i just want to be intrigued by it. i cannot wait for them to start having sex again, or its ok even if they decide they are better off this way(which would be totally unexpected). ok i just said that about two characters in drama. guess whos crazy? AND, and the fucking trust they have in each other, shed trust him with her life. even though he is foolish at times she balances it out. when his car got totalled and she found out that he dint tell her she figured a way to get him money instead of getting back at him or starting a fight(not that hed let a fight sustain or theyd go on for more than a minute) bc she knew theres no point in getting upset now that the cars gone and the intention behind his lie is nothing. its almost as if they know each other and communicate. crazy right. its almost as if they love each other.