#quit my job because it was making me sad
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mama in fact did raise a quitter, if i don't like it somewhere imma leave
#i switched majors#decided i wanted try different things#quit my job because it was making me sad#won't tolerate mistreatment anywhere actually bc why are you being mean to me? i'm out immediately#no i won't suffer and die for your company? fuck u lmao#i'm getting paid minimum wage u can't expect me to be invested like my life depends on it tf#also this applies to everything#from family events to friend outings to jobs to school to relationships#i don't like suffering aimlessly#for the relationship part: it's a last straw type of situation like after strike 17
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if i have to sit through one more conversation in which i have to listen to someone chirp about the benefits of AI, i am going to stab someone
#my teacher is gonna make us have an AI unit 😨😨#what the fuck even is an AI unit#this is ethnic studies#and every time i have to sit there and act like the other person has a point when they're all just saying the exact same thing#“oh but it's impressive” yeah that's cause it's copied off the uncredited works of actual writers you dumbass#“yeah but i just use it to write quick emails” that's so fucking embarrassing what do you mean you can't write a fucking email#“i only use it as a tool” a tool for what? generative AI is a sad inefficient excuse of a 'tool' just use google it's not that hard#it's actually quite sickening not even gonna lie#i'll be talking to people who are supposed to be good at their job#and fully grown adults who i expect to be at least moderately competent when it comes to writing and they're out here relying on chatgpt#and i'll see people using chatgpt as a source too#like what happened to citing our sources? what happened to using credible sites? chatgpt is not a source#this is like basic middle school level media literacy#and not only that#but what also disgusts me is that these people don't even seem to care that AI is awful for the planet#it doesn't matter if your ugly fucking art is draining a whole goddamn lake because it's “pretty” and “impressive”#fucking hell#give me a break#fuck generative ai#me and the homies hate ai#anti ai#mxpotatoposts#jesus christ these tags are like 10 times longer than my actual post lmao
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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There's just something so ?¿? about how I'm only able to actively work on this project when I'm at objectively the lowest points of my life (deepest depression, lonely, unemployed, no income, lot of time) and only because I have family that I can be wholly financially dependent on. All of the work I've done is cool and an accomplishment but also nearly the entire time spent on it I've felt like a failure because I can't do anything else.
But when I'm working full time and even when I love my job and coworkers, I am so tired I can't do any art or anything after work, and then I seemingly out of nowhere have a meltdown and quit. Idk. Something here about needing art to live but not being able to live off making art and the disparate ways art is tied to survival
#text#depression has been here the whole time but making itself Known atm#im so tired and sad and wish i didnt have to be this way#i wish i could separate the guilt of everything else from making my crochets#but the circumstances that let me crochet to this extent. come with massive amounts of guilt. and its just all bad.#society wasnt made for people like me. and that sucks.#i quit my last job because they changed my seat. thats the stupidest fucking thing. but my brain could not get over it and#also i never wanted to work for [company] and management wouldnt accommodate me without medical documentation and so i just quit#and im back making my art. (positive) (negative) (?¿¿)
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Urgghhhh. I do not enjoy My Job.
#quailchatter#I feel so disconnected from myself as a creative these days#because I just have zero energy to create and it just makes me sad#but beyond that it's definitely not a job that's good for my mental or even physical health#legitimately had my primary doctor worry about my blood pressure after work#i hate customer service. I love people. I hate customer service#My lovely friends who may be reading this tell me to quit and I should but I keep trying to stick it out#for resume reasons. But arghh. Argh x100#Let me work with old archives at my own pace in a dusty library. I was born to do That and that exactly#sorry for the lack of posting or art. Work eating my life
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i’m gonna be so for real, if things don’t start changing for me in good ways i will be disappearing off the face of the earth
#Rasp Rambles#vent#my mental health is already in a shitty state and i am already considering multiple different ways to end my own fucking life#suicide mention#like i’m genuinely hanging on by the thinnest fucking thread only because i have friends that care about me. i don’t want any of them to be#sad about me dying. i’d say the same for my family but i don’t they ever have really given a shit about me so what does it matter.#i’ve been forced to be the perfect; quite child my entire fucking life and that was never good enough. i had to be kind and respectful#even though none of the adults in my family ever really were that to me. and the ones who were didn’t stay that way for long. it truly#sucks so fucking badly that i can’t get away from any of them. i don’t have a job because mental health issues; some physical health issues#and my lack of drivers license and car. i can’t financially support myself. i never get to fucking leave the house and go anywhere but the#store or my grandparent’s house with my mom and sister. i have ONE irl friend who i’m not even sure considers me a friend because#we haven’t gotten to hang out much since i graduated in 2023. i have practically no fucking support system in the physical world.#i don’t get to do fun things i enjoy that aren’t internet related besides drawing. but artblock and general depression are doing their#damn best to prevent me from even enjoying the creative process at all. one may think its difficult to feel lonely when you’re living in a#house with at least one other person but its fully fucking possible apparently. for me at least. i really wish my mom would actually get me#a therapist or psychiatrist i can see in person but we all know that’ll never fucking happen because again; she doesn’t fucking care enough#to make any actually helpful attempts to get me medicated for whatever the fucks going on in this stupid head of mine.#sorry for being incredibly fucking depressed and mad at 3am. it will happen again unfortunately for all of us.
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not a sad ‘woe is me’ post so don’t send me weird messages but: the thing abt cycling through every ED possible and being bulimic for like 10 yrs & making yourself vomit up to 10x times per day on ur worst days is that your teeth and gums will eventually give out on you (bc it doesn’t make a difference if you’ve been good & it doesn’t matter how well you’ve taken care of your teeth for the last x years) and u will be 30 years old crying to your very sweet and kind dentist when she tells you about the 1 million things that are wrong with ur teeth
#anyway i feel strongly compelled to quit my job and dedicate my entire life to speaking out abt eating disorders#& doing research & writing & advocating for people who are suffering#women who are suffering#i think this is honestly my life’s calling!!!! i just don’t know where to start#you know movies glamorize having anorexia & it’s always like: she is the most beautiful girl in the world…but so sad…she doesn’t eat :(#i need to make movies that have scenes like that one chapter of i’m glad my mom died:#where jennette has been throwing up like 15 times a day and her tooth falls out#and she’s literally just like: yeah i’ll deal with that later#& instead of writing about a beautiful skinny white girl who is upset about eating carrots at inpatient#i would just force people to read/watch the things in this thread:#https://www.reddit.com/r/EDAnonymous/s/H1C3JZyvFK#because that’s the reality#the one comment in that thread ‘i ate something poisonous because i hoped it would make me puke’#like yeah same. LOL. & i always thought i was the only one so fucked in the head#anyway society is very cruel to women and i need to do something about it. genuinely whereeee do i even begin#i guess i have been writing a lot abt my personal experience and all the disgusting things ppl like to avoid talking abt#and how my mother made me this way etc#i could def make a memoir out of it. maybe i’ll do that.#i would love to have more options than just. trauma porn.#ah anyway maybe i’ll open a nonprofit. IDK. i just need to make a lot of noise somehow
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#the problem is one day i feel awful the next day i feel manageable#but i have to commit or i will feel worse than yesterday#i cut my mum and brother from the Netflix and yt premium (i hate ads.)#I'm planning to pay less for gas and electricity cause there's no reason i should be putting in £250 a month for both#food im not eating so I'm not paying for it (oh but you need food → my case off it)#like i can't tell you how upset i am and how angry ive become and how incompetent i am at everything#I'm lucky that one of my brain pilots doesn't want to quit this job#but i just need some time to bounce back#can you believe this push came from a fat joke?#to some of may sounds stupid like you ended up taking a mental health break because of a fat joke#but it was the final nail in the coffin#i try to do everything to be nice and to be a good kid and none of that matters because I'm fat#fine#okay yeah sure#and they bitch about me behind my back about how I'm bad with money and how i gain weight and how my depression is an inconvenience#cause it's not because they care#it's never been because they care it's because they know I won't fight back about it#i said i wasn't sad and i was managble but I'm not#but i think anyone else in my situation would be angrier and sadder#my own family makes me feel lonely#the entire family#because people only call me when they need something#and i wanted to act like i do it to people please#i don't#if i don't do it they act like I'm selfish for putting myself first
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Being on my period normally sucks in general, but being on my period after the last one was only 2 weeks ago is a whole new level of suckyness, especially seeing as I had to take meds to stop it last time... I just hope that this cycle is it going back to normal and I won't have to go to the doctor's for more meds to make it so again because my doctor's fucking sucks...
#for reference my last period was over 2 weeks long and want showing signs of stopping naturally#and it's also not new to me - something which I'm not sure the doc i talked to quite understood#because he said if the prolonged periods happen the next time around we'll get you up here and see what's going on#but it's like (and i said this in the e-form i did) i know what's causing this - i know it's most likely down to my polycystic ovaries#and the fact I've put on weight since i quit my job last year#i don't want to have to go through a diagnosis by them when i already know what this is#grrr I'm sorry for rambling but my period is making me both cranky and sad right now...#aimz talks
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I think the first time you burn out & take a little break from living in a society After you know what's wrong with you should be like a celebration. When you feel it coming on and then plan for it and burn out right on schedule it's a coming of age thing. welcome to living in this world if you've just crashed & burned and now you know why! you should have your beverage of choice and sit in the bath about it
#takes bong hit. when you feel like situations were overwhelming sometimes it's because they were#i was reading through this old journal i kept where i wrote down things that made me happy bc research showed that helps with mental health#and one of the entries was like so i scrubbed the mold off my wall it keeps coming back but at least it looks nice now!#girl.#facepalm#call into work to send the email about that you can't just let that happen. both jobs. call in#living in the worst conditions with 2 jobs and full time class still barely making rent like why am i sad & overwhelmed?#girl i.#it wasn't even that bad this last time i was living with family in a place with no mold working and only taking like 1 or 2 classes#it wasn't quite as concerning tho i'm sure at some point we will unpack the way customers acted during the early days of covid bc wow.
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i know i say rhis constantly but wow i am so at my breaking point
#my grandma is about 2 die so my moms mental health is gonna tank so hard. which is already is#and i cant help her cuz i dont live there anymore but god this holiday season is going to fucking suck#my chronic pain is getting worse. ive been barely eating for the last month cuz i just have no interest in food basically at all#broke down sobbing yesterday because it hurt so bad just trying to put my laundry away cuz my job is tearing my body apart#idk. i thought i wld be able to quit in a month or two but now i cant.#i dont have a light at the end of the tunnel at this point. nothing makes me happy im always hungry and in pain and fucking sad <3#so i guess ill just sit here and cry and then go work for 8 hrs and think abt kms the whole time like i do most days
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obviously there's a billion other things but one thing that sucks about being sick/disabled is that most of the time i don't have enough energy to both get to and from somewhere, and also BE in the place. brain-wise and, like, life-fulfillment-wise, things would be way better if i could spend more time somewhere that isn't by myself in my house (although for much of the time this is the best environment to manage my various disabilities), but physical-ability-wise, often the travelling to and from a place takes all the 'spare' energy i have, so i can't actually *be* at the place without experiencing a level of various symptoms that negates the benefits of being there in the moment, or being so so ill when i get home, or the 'being at the place' leaving me unable to safely travel home in the first place. it sucks.
anyway i guess that the flipside of that is super strong appreciation for the instances that i *can* do things, the people that help me get places, and the people who're happy to meet outdoors and/or with precautions. it makes a huge difference to have some things to look forward to, even if i am greedy for more!
#it would be really neat if people were taking more precautions so it was a little safer for disabled people to use public transport without#like. potentially life threatening consequences too for everyone involved.#or like in the world in general too not just public transport :P.#oh also if the public transport sucked less and was close to places you wanted to go :P#i'm definitely on the high caution end of things because the concept of becoming further disabled by post-viral conditions brings#unfathomable dread to me given how things are anyway and having been able to claw my way to a little 'better' than things have been#but still. feel like it should be less high stakes for everyone including high risk individuals you know :P#this post probably brought to you by being asked the question 'don't you miss (the job you were so so passionate about but had to quit bc#you became disablingly sick as a teenager)?'. the answer. shockingly. is yes. :P#Anyway. i actively try to make the best of reality not the alternate reality where things are as they were but sometimes you've gotta be#sad about things! that's fine too.#i'm always more melancholy when i'm actively having medical stuff happen because i'm forced to think about it more and also to#compare my own level of concern with that of those around me and like. process and deal with the gaps between them :P
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at some point i'm going to have to stop fantasising about debilitating nicotine addiction and actually start smoking . for legal reasons this only applies to nicotine .
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When you have two jobs and spend the last two days you'll probably ever have off driving six hours for a boy who stops responding after you dont have sex with him and you start to think you're the problem hahaha
#I think I would like to stop living now#yeah. I'm having a really bad fucking flashback at work now#and I'm worried he hates me#but I dont know because he wont respond so I'm panicking and then im panic texting him and its making things worse but aaaa#fuck#also my fucking OCD has latched on to giving him goodmorning and goodnight texts and I havent done that because I'm too afraid he hates me#so I'm like. stacking up on bullshit my brain is pulling to make me miserable#I also havent eaten much in days which isnt helping#I'm just a total mess right now and I'm considering quitting my job early so I have a couple days to rest#I feel so sick#sad posting
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funny update a couple of months later for People Who Want to Know: i dont have the car that got me into this Incredibly Minor Accident anymore. while after the accident, i did have to get the brakes serviced (wow, they were faulty, who knew!), it proceeded to have Several More Issues, such as: the transmission being fucked up and Trouble With Turns. i still drove it regardless because i needed that shit to get to college but eventually the radiator fan stopped working on it (where it would start overheating if the car wasn't moving (if the car was moving then air could still blow over the engine, cooling it down)) and My Mother deemed it too dangerous to drive. RIP to the shitty 2012 jeep liberty hand-me-down with 200k miles that led to the creation of the Kim Moment(TM).
need to share an experience i had 30 minutes ago
(edit: thanks to @walks-the-ages for providing and reminding me to put alt text, sorry it slips my mind alot lol)
#also i have not had any Kim Moments since. SAD!#very funny to me all the people with systems relating w/ this. unfortunately my brain likes to play with characters like dolls and it will#do this to me sometimes. shoutout to the times when someone would text something to me and then id envision what one of my OCs would respon#with in my head. adhd hyperfixation moment if i can be quite honest.#also i never got a follow up from the other guy that i got into the accident with so im assuming his car is okay. thumbsup emoji#and i havent been in any accidents since so erm... w for me!#(i have only been driving this new car for like 5 days and im Nervous. and ill be driving it more than my old car because im Getting Job#soon.... ough)#i remember the day that My Mother decided the car was too unsafe to drive very clearly. because it happened recently.#for some context: i live 30 minutes away from one of the campuses of my college. but the campus i need to actually attend (because it's the#campus with all of the IT shit at it woo network admin) is a full on hour away and also located inside a big city. thankfully the campus i#live near has a service that sends a bus between those two campuses so i can drive to that campus#and then get on the bus for the remaining 30 mins it takes to get there#now imagine you're me. because of fears developed by having Childhood ADHD i am very afraid of being late for ANYTHING. because i need to#rely on the bus schedule between the two campuses#every day i make sure to leave at least 30 mins earlier than i realistically could. this is both because if i dont i'll be Late To Being#Early but also despite my route not going across any major roads#i live in Suburban Bumfuck Town and the two-lane roads i use to travel are the exclusive lifelines to the rest of Everywhere Fucking Else#so they have a tendency to get backed up when backups happen in Everywhere Fucking Else (could specify more but i dont wanna doxx myself :p#cue The Day. i am Driving to College. i already have some knowledge that my car seems to have some trouble with cooling itself down#but i'm not sure what the cause is or how big of a problem it is yet. unbeknownst to me an Accident has occured on one of the major routes#in my area. as I'm approaching to be about 10 mins away from the campus i start to see evidence of The Traffic because of this.#while being just a dinky two-lane road this shit is practically bumper-to-bumper. moving at a snail's pace#and i imagine it's likely because people are being jackasses about merging onto this road from the people who have had their route#unexpectedly diverted because of the accident.#so im sitting there in the traffic. the car is not moving or it is moving very slowly across short distances.#DING! goes the car. ah crap the engine temp is starting to get high... maybe being stopped is what causes it i think to myself#so now i am Slightly Worried. the car has Dinged. and i might even be Late to School because of the traffic. but surely the cars gonna be#fine driving me the rest of the way right?#advance forward in time about like 5 minutes. i have moved forward but not much. i am near the gas station i usually refill at en route
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feel so stupidly horribly miserably painfully Bad . Lol
#Perhaps i am a secretly uniquely horrible person ..#Perhaps i will never be fully completely understood by anyone ..#Perhaps i should rot in my hole until i wither away ..#not even my dab pen is saving me . Shit is quite bad!!!!!#Wditing to continue to ramble in tags as i do not want to make another post. Thank u : been crying all fuckin day and spiraling a tiny bit#and it feels extra dumb because i NEED to be doing job apps. and i haven’t don’t any in like a week ?? my dad had a bad health scare and it#just kind of shook me up but also maybe i’m using that as an excuse for why i’ve been lazy. Lol . who knows . just mad and tired of myself#Also have been daydreaming of getting a Tender hug and Kiss on the head and Loving eyes . does anybody know when it all ends#Ok sorry last thing . i got my period a couple days ago and usually i get super depressed right before and then it wanes. However. it is#getting Worse. and that simple fact is making me even more sick n tired. ok goodnight all#Ok editing again to tack on more sorry but i think things will feel a bit better when i go back 2 my apartment. been at home and Lol#was visibly very sad down around my family and they get like. Mad. disdainful. ok sorry!!!!! What!!!!!
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