#it just kind of feels like i’ve tried so hard for years to be happier and cope with things healthier but i haven’t gotten anywhere.

[serainechor]

.

[try-set-me-on-fire]

How about odd socks for the soft prompts?

Eddie tries to write his vows. Poem excerpts from E.E. Cummings’ [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in], Mary Oliver’s The Mango, and Pablo Neruda’s Finale. Plain text version on AO3 here and under the read more!

Dear Buck oh its not a letter

Buck

Evan Buckley (?)

From the day we met, I

I take thee to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part except I don’t want to stop loving you when either of us die. I don’t want to part. Till the glaciers have melted and the oceans have dried up, till Mount Whitney (the tallest mountain in California, I looked it up) is eroded to a molehill, till the heat death of the universe do us part. Maybe that will be enough time

I keep thinking about that time you wore those fucking socks to work and Bobby and everyone were trying to really gently asses if you were having a breakdown because we just see AND YOU’RE GOING TO DIE on your ankle and then you laughed and pulled up your pants and it said “GET LOST IN NATURE AND YOU’RE GOING TO DIE” which like I still think is kind of a fucked up thing to put on a sock but you just did one of your beautiful sunshine grins (we weren’t even together but god I still got light headed looking at you) and were like “I thought it would be neat to remind people the importance of safety in nature” and I was kind of teasing and annoyed and laughed about it and that was like three years ago Buck and I still feel guilty about it because if you were going through some kind of crisis I don’t ever want to be annoyed and laugh about it, I want to be there for you no matter what and I hope I’ve proven that to you over the years, that I don’t just love you on easy days, I love you every single day all the time even when everything’s fucked even if I can’t write wedding vows to save my life christ this is terrible

I love your nose and your birthmark and your eyebrows and your hair and your shoulders and the bends of your elbows, and your wrists and hands, and I love your nipples and hip bones and cock and ass and knees and your shin, I love the scars on your shin, I love every scar you have because none of them killed you

How about

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Or

But this was a rich house, and clever too.

After salmon and salads,

mangoes for everyone appeared on blue plates,

each one cut in half and scored

and shoved forward from its rind, like an orange flower,

cubist and juicy.

When I began to eat

things happened.

Or

your head on the pillow,

your hands floating

in the light, in my light,

over my earth.

It was beautiful to live

when you lived

The world is bluer and of the earth

at night, when I sleep

enormous, within your small hands.

Before the ceremony I told Shannon “It’s going to be okay” and in the moment I believed it because I had her and I was scared but she was my best friend and up there in front of her parents and mine I said the regular vows but I think that first one was what counted even if it didn’t end up being true. Maybe I’ve been telling you my vows for years. You can have my back any day. There’s no one on earth I trust with my son - with our son - more than you. Every time I tell you I love you, isn’t that a promise?

I’ve been happy before in my life, despite everything I don’t think I was an unhappy man, not always, only sometimes, but you make me happier than I thought was possible. That kind of feeling when you laugh too hard and you’re not getting enough oxygen to your brain. Isn’t that romantic, you give me hypoxia

Here’s the thing you know I’m going to get up there and just start crying immediately so I don’t know why I’m trying so hard to find words I won’t even be able to get out

No hi this is me two hours later of course this is important you’re important you knowing how much I love you is so important to me and I will stand up there blubbering at you for hours if that’s what it takes

I trust you. I love you. I am happy with you. I want to wake up beside you always, Buck I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you next to me first thing in the morning (or night or afternoon or whenever we’ve finished sleeping), touching your warm body with your lungs breathing and your heart beating and the solidity of you feels like a miracle

I’ll buy you socks so your feet don’t get cold and I’ll bring you fruit because you like to eat sweet things and wherever I live will be your home and I’ll be by your side as long as you do me the honor of wanting me there and everything I have and am is yours and I

[boobabietch]

hi there! i saw that now you’re writing for gwen stacy so can i ask for dating gwen hcs?? thanks!!!

Dating Gwen hcs | Gwen Stacy x Reader

Warnings: suggestive in the slightest bit but mostly pure fluff

A/N: oh my god i can’t even explain why was this so hard to write!! I just had the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had but a million years later it’s finally here! I love this woman so so much so I really want you guys to like this post as much as I liked it!! So if you enjoyed this a like, comment or reblog would be amazing also don’t stop requesting bc I live, laugh, love for your requests. As I always say english is not my first language so if there are any mistakes please please tell my so I can change them asap. Love Sof :)

Word count: 995

This woman is literally two different people, Spider-Woman and Gwen, and they are completely different 

Spider-woman is super cool and badass with this heavy girlboss energy 

And let’s face it, Gwen is normally a very awkward person (this is said with the very best intentions!).

So let’s talk about Gwen for a moment 

When you guys started dating, I JUST KNOW that Gwen was super shy.

This woman had only two (2) friends in her life, and there is no sign of a romantic relationship before you, so for her, it was like walking on eggshells 

I feel like it takes some time for her to really open up and be 100% comfortable and not super self-conscious.

Due to her complicated relationship with her father and the Peter incident, she tends to be very bad speaking about her feelings, and that can lead to some troubles during your relationship 

But don’t get me wrong, she means well!! She loves you, and even if speaking about what she’s feeling is hard she really tries to be good for you

I’m a firm believer that Gwen’s love language is quality time and physical affection, but I’m going to elaborate on quality time a lil bit:

Her favorite moments of the day are the ones she shares with you, she is never happier than when she’s with you 

She really likes taking you on dates!!

Most of the time is nothing really fancy like a dinner date or something like that, she enjoys casual dates a lot more

I like to think that she’s a simple girl, her life is a complicated tangled mess, so she really likes to be able to relax, just you and her and that it’s enough 

Loves movie dates!! 

Most of the time she lets you choose whatever you guys are going to watch because she knows that 90% of the time she is not going to pay attention to the screen at all because she will be looking at you, your little reactions to the movie playing, your little laughs, smiles and confused stares at the screen, she loves capturing all those little details of yourself, so she can imagine them when she’s in a complicated situation and needs comfort 

 

Oh god, she is CLINGY asffff

She might even be touch starved

When you guys are alone, she’s all over you

Hugging you from behind when you're cooking (because I know this girl doesn’t know how to cook for shit, so you always do it for her) pecking the back of your neck occasionally just to see the goosebumps form on your skin

She likes laying her head on your chest when you are laying on her bed and talking about your day, bonus points if you play with her hair cause she’ll turn into putty immediately

Gwen loves kissing you.

Any kind of kiss, she is weak for that, she loves the feeling of your lips on hers, her lips on every inch of your body, or even your lips in every inch of her body, it grounds her, she likes the intimacy of this acts because it’s something she only does with you, and you only do it with her, she likes that.

She is a big fan of making out with you.

At first, she is a little hesitant with physical touch, always scared that one wrong step and she’ll make you uncomfortable 

But once your relationship grows stronger, she sees that there is something so comfortable about being in her or your room, bodies pressed together, heavy breathing, and messy kisses being the soundtrack of the evening just enjoying the feeling of her lips on yours, not caring about anything at all 

If you play with the hair on the nape of her neck while making out, oh. my. God. She’s in fucking heaven 

She can get a little carried away while making out, she usually ends up straddling your lap with her hands under your shirt, caressing your bare skin 

I just know this woman is super vocal!! So when you’re making out and there’s people home, loud music or a loud movie is A MUST, she doesn’t want people thinking you guys are doing other things, or she doesn’t want people to know you are actually doing other things…

She lives this super stressful and chaotic life, and she finds a LOT of comfort cuddling with you, before sleeping, in the morning, after a stressful day, as aftercare, etc

She. Loves. Cuddles.

She’s the little spoon (ofc she is) cause let’s think about it, she saves New York from falling apart every day; she takes care of everyone and everything, so she really likes to feel like someone’s taking care of her, that someone being you, ofc. 

So she always goes to your place after a long day, goes straight to bed, and just buries her face in the crevice of your neck and entangles her legs with yours while you hug her extra tightly.

And honestly speaking, that is home for her.

Gwen is a very shy person, so she’s not really fond of PDA, she thinks it’s uncomfortable and a lil bit disrespectful if you go to far

That doesn’t mean she doesn’t engage in any kind of physical affection in public, she’s just more subtle

Hand holding and cheek kisses FOR THE WIN!!

Being with her means a lot of wound tending, physically and emotionally 

But at the end of the day, you are the most precious thing in her life, and she would go to far extents to make you feel good in every aspect

You love her, and she loves you, and she wouldn’t even dare to ruin that 

I love this girl so much it’s ridiculous :((

Anywayssss

Requests are: Open!

Masterlist

[disteal]

hi! i used to follow you pretty religiously from 2016-2018, that kinda time period. and then i left tumblr for like 4 years and only recently returned and i was like "hey i should see what disteal is up to" and! hey! you seem so much happier and comfortable with yourself and i just wanted to say how happy i am for you!!! i hope this isn't weird coming from a stranger, but i loved your art back then (and your humour, some of your funnier comics really helped me out when i was in a bad place) and everything is so so shit right now, so when good people are still good after so much time and also happier, that's just a great mood booster.

thank you for your work! and your time! and i wish you the best on your webtoon and everything!

AW THANK YOU SM!!!! 🥲🥲🥲

It’s kind of crazy, I feel like a completely different person these days (and it’s rly wild to imagine some of you have been here to witness that change), but yeah I’ve literally never been happier in my whole life as I am now.

Pre-transition I had this like, real doomer mindset abt what my life was going to look like. I felt weird, I tried WAY too hard to find some version of womanhood that felt natural, I couldn’t connect with anyone, and I was pretty worried I’d end up doing something silly because it seemed like I was only getting more and more miserable as I aged.

Nowadays I’m just… relaxed. I’m excited to grow up, and be a forty or fifty or sixty-year-old man, I have people who mean so much to me I don’t know how I COULDN’T care, and even when things get tough there’s just an unkillable joy in me that suits me really well.

So like, I’m really glad it shows!!! And thank you for saying that :,))))

[mirisss]

My Heart

Yoon Jongwoo x afab! reader

Wordcount ≈ 2.7k

Warnings: angst, sad Jongwoo, break up, self-judgment, low self-esteem, kissing, sort of describing a panic attack without calling it a panic attack, fluff, 

Thank you for the request (even if my requests technically are closed at the moment), I just couldn't keep myself from writing this because I am way too in love with Jongwoo & One Pact! 

Inspired by One Pact’s songs "Rush In 2 U" & "Loading"

Please reblog! 

(Y/n)’s POV

Jongwoo is the greatest boyfriend in the world, truly, he’s the best. He’s kind, caring, funny, thoughtful, he’s everything you could want not to mention he is very handsome. I was surprised when he asked me out 2 and a half years ago but I am so happy I said yes to the date. 2 years later and we’re still together. I was there to support him through Boys Planet and to comfort him when he didn’t make it to the final lineup. I was so proud of him, still am. And now, he’s going to debut with One Pact. He’s finally going to be able to live his dream, with thousands no millions of people supporting him. 

Lately, I’ve been feeling like a burden to him. I feel like as long as he is with me, he can’t truly succeed, I’m holding him back. At least, that’s what I am feeling. I tried talking to him about it but as the kind soul he is, he told me that isn’t true. He says I don’t hold him back, but I can’t believe him because I see it. He’s spreading himself thin trying to balance our relationship with his idol life, it’s not fair to him for me to be selfish and stay by his side when I’m only in the way. 

I contemplated what to do for weeks, I distanced myself more and more from him hoping it would help him see it too. That I am only a nuisance to him. He called and texted me probably a hundred times a day trying to reach out to me, but eventually, as I didn’t answer him, he stopped. Just thinking about it made a tear fall from my eyes. 

I wanted to run to him, to hug him, hold him close, and finally feel safe once more in his strong arms. But I can’t, I have to be strong. This is what’s best for him. I sat alone in my apartment in the dark, on the cold hard floor, crying my eyes out as I tried to find the courage to break us up. 

Jongwoo’s POV

Boys Planet was a challenge, but with (Y/n) by my side, it wasn’t as bad. With her I can overcome any challenge, she gives me strength, she makes me happy. She’s the sun that scares away the darkness, with her, every day feels like Christmas. I remember how happy she was for me when I told her that I would be debuting with One Pact. I think she was even happier than me and I mean, I’m the one debuting. 

We celebrated by making a nice dinner together, laughing as we danced to the background music, her blushing as I whispered ‘I love you’ in her ear, and then kissed her. Those moments when it’s just her and I, are my most precious memories. 

Lately, however, things haven’t been so good. 

“What do you mean? Baby? (Y/n)?” “Jongwoo, I’m just holding you back, can’t you see it? I’m just in the way of your success,” I put my hands on her shoulders trying to look her in the eyes but she kept looking at the floor. I didn’t understand, why did she suddenly think she was holding me back? “(Y/n), how, I-... I don’t understand, how could you be holding me back? You’re not, please, (Y/n), please, I love you, you know that right?” Even as she looked at the floor, I could see the tears falling down her cheeks. She never wanted me to see her crying, not even happy tears, she would always look down or turn around. “I know and I love you too,” I embraced her in a tight hug, holding her as close as possible as I held back my tears. Losing her would be worse than not becoming an idol. 

After that conversation I thought things would get better, however, I was wrong. Each day, (Y/n) became a little more distant than the day before. Eventually, she stopped reaching out to me, I tried to call and text her as often as I could but she rarely ever responded until she stopped completely. 

“Damnit” I threw the sweatshirt I had around my shoulders down on the floor in anger as I messed up the choreography once more. I couldn’t focus, my mind was just zeroing in on the situation with (Y/n). I was breathing heavily, angry at the situation, and angry at myself to the point where I couldn’t control my feelings. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” “Yeah, what’s up man? I’ve never seen you like this before?” Seungmin and Jay approached me as they questioned my behavior. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down a little as I sat down with the rest of the guys sitting down in a circle before me. 

“I told you guys before that I have a girlfriend, right?” “Yeah, (Y/n), was it?” Yedam smiled as I nodded to him getting the name right. “She’s been my girlfriend for about 2 years now and we’ve never really had any problems during this time. She’s always supporting me in anything I do and she’s been my driving force in doing all of this. These last few weeks though, they have been different. Very different,” I looked down at the floor, trying to hold back my tears, I hated this. 

“What’s been different?” Tag asked after he put his hand on my shoulder, giving me a reassuring squeeze. “She has somehow come to the conclusion that she’s holding me back and that we should break up, and no matter what I say she doesn’t seem to believe me. And now, she’s not answering my calls or responding to my texts. I’m worried, I’ve never seen her like this before and I don’t want to lose her,” 

“I might not know her personally but it doesn’t sound like the girl you’ve described to us before. I think the best thing you can do is, go to her and talk with her. Ask her why she’s feeling this way, only then can you understand where it’s coming from and once you know that, then you can assure her that it isn’t true,” Jay put his hand on my other shoulder and gave me a reassuring squeeze. “Thanks, Jay, I’ll go after practice,” “Nah, go now hyung,” “But I can’t, we have to practice, Seungmin,” “You’re not going to be able to focus, it’s better that you go now and solve this and then tomorrow you can come back stronger than ever,” I looked around at my members and they all smiled at me, they gave me the strength and courage I needed to go to (Y/n). 

I picked up my sweatshirt, quickly putting it on as I ran out of the dance studio. I was determined to solve this. To fix this problem. As soon as I got to (Y/n)’s apartment, I picked up the key she had given me so that I could visit her any time I wanted to. I was going to use it but I decided to knock on the door first, to give her a chance of inviting me instead of just barging in. I knocked three times before I took a step back from the door and waited. I heard the lock turning before the door opened. She was surprised to see me standing on the other side, my breathing heavy from running here, her eyes were red and swollen, she had been crying. 

“Jongwoo,” Her voice was hoarse, also an indicator of her crying before I came. “(Y/n), can we talk? Please,” She avoided my eyes, just like the last time we spoke, but she stepped aside to allow me inside the apartment. Without even thinking, I guess you could say I did it out of habit, as I walked past (Y/n) my arm instinctively went around her waist. She closed the door behind me before she stepped out of my reach, my arm stayed in the air for a second before I managed to will it back to my side, my heart breaking a little at the distance. She was so close yet she felt so far away. 

“(Y/n), I love you. I wanna say that before we talk about anything else. I love you. I have been in love with you for the last 2 and a half years, hence why I asked you out. I love you, so please, please, explain why you’re so distant, please help me understand what’s going on,” I once again tried to reach out with my hand to her but she stepped back, not letting me touch her. My fingers twitched as I clenched my fist, and my jaw to try and hold back the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. 

“I told you, Woo. I’m only holding you back. As long as you’re with me you can’t succeed. I take too much of your time. We should break up so that you can live your dream, it’s what’s best for you,” This was the first time I truly got to see her cry. She looked me in the eyes as the tears streamed down her cheeks like rivers. Her whole body was trembling, shaking. Her once warm eyes that always shone like diamonds, now looked dark, empty, they looked dead. 

“No.” “No? Jongwoo, you can’t just say no. We need to break up,” She raised her voice a little but I didn’t care. “No, we’re not breaking up for this reason. I won’t accept it. It’s stupid. (Y/n). I love you. I wouldn’t have been able to get through Boys Planet without you. I wanted to quit after the first day but you were there to help me get back on this path. It’s thanks to you that I am now in the debut lineup of One Pact. You’re the one to give me strength, you’re the reason I’m happy. You’re the reason why I work so hard because I want to impress you. So you’re not holding me back at all. No, you’re the one pushing me to become the best me I can be,” I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore. 

“Jongwoo… I-” “The only time I’ll accept it if you don’t want to be with me anymore is if you don’t love me anymore. If you’ve fallen out of love with me, then I’ll accept it. But as long as I love you and you love me, we should be together. I won’t ever give up on you, because (Y/n), you’re my sun. You’re my reason to live. That’s how much you mean to me, so please, just give us a second chance, if you still love me?” (Y/n) let out a loud sniffle as even more tears fell from her eyes. I looked deep into her eyes, trying to will out any emotion in them. Hoping that there was hope left for us. 

“Jongwoo, I’m so sorry,” My heart shattered into a million, no, into a billion pieces. I stopped breathing. She didn’t love me anymore. My knees became weak and I fell, kneeling in front of her, my eyes on the ground. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see. My whole world was becoming enveloped in a dark mist, covering everything in a blanket of despair. “Jongwoo!” I could barely hear anything, I faintly heard (Y/n) screaming my name.

Third Person POV

(Y/n) fell down onto the floor in front of Jongwoo, she cried out his name multiple times but he didn’t respond. “Jongwoo, Jongwoo, please, please, Jongwoo,” It wasn’t until she embraced him in a tight hug. “I love you. I love you. Of course, I still love you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please, Jongwoo, Woo. Please, I’m sorry,” (Y/n) soon felt Jongwoo’s arms encircling her, pushing her closer to his broad frame in a tight hug. The two stayed on the floor, tightly embracing each other for a few minutes as they cried. 

Jongwoo’s POV

“I love you. I love you. Of course, I still love you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please, Jongwoo, Woo. Please, I’m sorry,” As I felt (Y/n) hugging me and saying that she still loved me, I could finally breathe again, my eyes slowly came back into focus allowing me to see her shaking shoulders as she held me, chanting ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m sorry’. I tightly hugged her back. Happy to finally be allowed to hold her close again. I didn’t ever want to let go of her. I almost lost her, I didn’t ever want to truly lose her. 

After probably ten or fifteen minutes, I slowly ended the hug by removing my arms from her waist and putting them on her shoulders. I looked her in the eyes. “(Y/n), do you still love me?” “Yes, I love you,” “Do you still want to be with me?” “Of course I do, but-” “No buts. Do you want to be with me?” “Yes, of course I do,” “Then let’s be together. I love you, (Y/n). More than anything in this world,” “I’m sorry, about all of this.” “I forgive you. Always. If you ever feel something like this again, talk with me, tell me, please,” “I promise, I won’t shut you out again,” “Good. Now, may I kiss you?” (Y/n) gave me a little smirk before she tilted her head just the tiniest bit. “Oh, I don’t know, can you?” I gently put a hand on her cheek, my thumb wiped away the stray tears that still lingered. And then I leaned in. I kissed her gently, trying to convey just how much I loved her with the action. 

“God I missed kissing you,” “I missed you too, now kiss me again, please,” I kissed her once more, this time with a little more force as she pushed back at my lips with her own. “Please don’t ever leave me,” “Only if you promise not to leave me,” I stood up and helped (Y/n) stand too. I took one of her hands and put it on my chest, right by my heart, and looked her deep in the eyes. “As long as my heart is beating, as long as I am alive. I promise you, that I will love you and be by your side, I promise to never leave you,” I saw (Y/n)’s cheeks reddening as a shy smile grew on her face. She always told me that she dreamt of experiencing the things she read about, the way the boys in the books treated the girls with the utmost love and adoration. So, I tried to do just that. 

“Yoon Jongwoo, I’m already head over heels in love with you,” “It wouldn’t hurt to make you swoon a little, right?” “You make me swoon more than just a little, I might just pass out from how fast my heart is beating,” “I’ll keep you steady with my strong arms,” I flexed my biceps a little as I chuckled, and (Y/n) laughed. And just like that, we were back to how we were before all this happened. It almost felt like the last two to three weeks hadn’t happened. “Jongwoo, you really are perfect,” “And so are you, my beautiful, wonderful, perfect, (Y/n),” I leaned in and gave her another kiss as she put her arms around my neck to deepen the kiss. As we broke the kiss, we both smiled and simultaneously said: “I love you”. 

[racheljoyscott]

Hey i love your blog<3

Do you know how to make friends , i got bullied in 8th grade by my group of friends because i defended a girl from being body shamed and i lost all my confidence to talk to people and making friends im a freshman going into sophomore year and i want to make friends this upcoming school year<3 i’ve been inspired by rachel to become more friendly like she was for the upcoming school year like reaching out to people bc ik whats it’s like to be bullied but i get really scared to talk to people bc i feel like im gonna get judged💜

Hey Anon! Glad you came across my page. I'll give you two sets of advice, my own and what I think Rachel would tell you.

You are almost the age I was when I started this blog so many years ago! I still, to this day, am thankful every single day that I learned of Rachel's story. I found her at the most pivotal stage in my teenage development. It shaped me more than I can express, and she completely altered my character progression. Rachel is extremely inspiring. Just listen to her stories and I promise it'll have some good effect on you. It's worth every second.

With that being said, this is my advice. The hard truth is, there will always be mean people tearing you down. Whether it's mean girls at school, a mean boss, or even your roommates in college. To make friends, be yourself. Learning to follow your own interests and live through your values will take you so much farther in life. And you'll be happier. Friends will come. I didn't have many friends in middle school or for a good chunk of high school. But looking back, I think I was better off having my few close friends than forcing friendships with the popular kids. Be a friend to everyone (with limits), but don't worry too much about having/not having friends. I promise you, being yourself and being kind to all people will give you confidence and bring you so much value to your future self. I think these early years are really impactful on your future. Put good out there, build a foundation for your career, and do your best in school. But given you are already following Rachel's footsteps, I'd say you're on a very good path :)

Based on what I know about Rachel, I'd say she'd be proud of you for sticking up for that girl! Please, please, never let other girls, especially mean or judgemental girls, take away any bit of sparkle or strength you have. If you are already using your voice for good and to help others so young, keep making it stronger. No matter what you say, you'll learn someone has an issue with it or judge you for it. Everyone has a bit of social anxiety when it comes to things like this. Especially at your age in high school. To combat it, Rachel wore really funky and eccentric outfits that kind of forced her to get used to discomfort and judgement. (Also because she was really cool!) To combat mine, I learned that people don't remember or care nearly as much as you do when you think you embarrass yourself. I even think of Rachel when I have trouble approaching someone. Because really, you never know what people are thinking or going through. She asked God to use her to reach out to people and to help others. Maybe that person sitting alone wants someone to sit with them, or maybe they don't! But it's for you to find out. Either you make a friend in the process, or learn more and more on how to approach people and make small talk. Life's all about chances but they're usually worth taking.

My advice to overcome the fear of being judged is to do your best. Whenever I fear how I'm being perceived or judged, I tell myself I did the best I could today. Even if I did screw up, at least I helped someone out. I was kind to a stranger. I put a smile on someone's face. Held a door open. Etc. At least I tried to be good and did something small to positively impact the people around me. Because truly, that's all that matters. And that's all because I found Rachel's story. :)

Please reach out to me if you ever need anything else, and I encourage you to use my blog to learn more about Rachel. She was always a friend when I didn't have one. There is truly so much you can learn from her! Good luck! xx

[shinagawa-division]

ARB Birthday Special: Sumire Shinomiya

~~ November 6th ~~

“Your pretty empire took so long to build, now, with a snap of history’s fingers, down it goes.”

Login Lines:

“Wha-? Eh? Oh, what the hell, did I fall asleep? Shit, I didn’t think I was that tired. Hah, I need to get back on my schedule, I’ve let Malphas convince me to sleep in more way too many times. So? What do you want?”

“Oh…it’s that time again, fucking yippee-no, no, I need to be positive, I promised Aiko that I would genuinely try to enjoy my birthday this year. Thanks for the gift.”

Voice Lines:

“I don’t get what the big deal is about, so I’m 21 now, am I supposed to be happy? I’ve been doing the same adult shit I’ve always been doing when I was younger and I’m still gonna continue to do it now that I’m actually “of age”.

“If there’s one thing I’m looking forward to, it’s always whatever the Den has planned for my birthday. They get so excited around this time of year and they’re so…loving towards me even though I haven’t done anything to deserve it. Still, who am I to ruin their fun? Nothing makes me happier than to see my family happy and enjoying themselves.”

“Speaking of, I should pay a visit to Yosuke, it’s been a while and I’m starting to run low on Zenith, the nightmares are starting to come back.”

“A-AHHHHH!!! I GOTTA GET READY! Why am I freaking out?! Jiro’s taking me on a fucking date! That’s why I’m freaking out! Hnngh, I can’t mess this up, do I dress cute? But it’s fucking cold outside, what if we go to the park or something?! But I don’t want to over bundle, he’d think that I’m not interested! Ughhh-“

“Aiko and Seizou wished me a happy birthday earlier, Aiko is as excitable as always, it’s always a pleasure seeing her so happy and not only that but Seizou seemed to be a tad bit livelier, he even gave me a present. Hard to believe that this is his first time celebrating my birthday…well, first time celebrating a birthday in general, he seems to be in the spirit, I’m proud of him.”

“Heyyyy Ritsuko, weird seeing you out of your lab, I’d say you were out and smelling the roses but you don’t strike me as a flower kind of woman. Haha, I’m joking I’m joking, hm, thanks for the mini lesson, I’ll keep that in mind next time when I suffer from deadlines. Oh, thanks, I keep forgetting about that, no, it’s fine, I don’t necessarily hate it, I just…don’t care for it. Ha, I knew you’d understand. Aww, thanks Teach! Now I’m curious about what you got me…”

“Oh sweet! You actually did it! This? Well, I’m afraid it’s another stop secret project of mine~ Hehehe, well, I couldn’t take all the credit but what’s done is done and now I can finally fucking breathe again, I’m sure Miho will bounce back from that, she’s already been diving into her work as usual, besides this is actually for her, I made one comment and Aiko’s really been taking her “matchmaking business” seriously, I tried to get her to tell me what she needed this for but she’s tight lipped, but thanks again.”

“Oh, hey Miho, how’s it going? You seemed to be in good spirits? Ohh, work stuff, of course, well it’s good to see you out and about, not to bring up any unwanted memories but I was worried that you wouldn’t leave your room. Pffft! Haha, yeah, I guess you're right, you get what you give! Oh sweet, what is it?"

"Oh cool! These are really cute, thanks Miho! Look, I'm not a huge fashion buff but as long as it's creepy yet cute and in black and purple, I'll wear it. Thanks again, oh, you're heading out? Ah, well good luck, thanks again for the gift!"

"Malicious! Feels like I haven't seen you in forever! Seems like you're going out more everyday, I missed you, my spider! Hm? No, I'm not mad, in fact, I'm glad you're getting out more, you used to be so antisocial and broody back then...well, you still kinda are. Hey! Don't throw my gift away! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Now give it here!"

"Aw, Mal, this is so nice! And so us, haha, black and purple all the way! Eh? There's more? Inside...oh! OH! Awww! This is so cute! Look at us, the whole family all together! Yeah, I had a lot of fun that day, this...this is really sweet, Mal. Thank you so much."

Ritsuko Lines:

“Hello Sumire, a good day to you. Yes, amusing, but even I like to clear my mind from time to time, nothing productive can be done if your mind is in every which way all at once, you’d be best to remember that. Anyways, I’ve came to wish you a happy birthday, I know you typically don’t care for things like this, not that I blame you, but as my most precious and important apprentice, it is my duty as your mentor to reward you for your hard work, as such, I have come with a present.”

“I’ll admit, I was caught off guard with your request, I was wondering what was going on in that dark little head of yours until I remembered the scandal that took the country by storm, don’t give me that, I know it was your doing and as much as I wished Miho didn’t take so much damage from it, I am certainly impressed with your work not to mention relieved that we won’t be seeing that insignificant worm anymore. Aiko, hm? Who only knows what she had planned, happy birthday, Sumire.”

Miho Lines:

“Happy Birthday, Sumire. Yes? Pray tell, why would I not be? Ah. Right. That. Well, that's old news, you know I don't like dwelling on past matters when there is always work to be done. Besides, I believe that man has bigger fish to fry what with that 'Dead Pool' still circulating about, but enough about that, I wanted to give you your present, here you go."

"I'm glad you like them, I made sure they were made with great quality. I absolutely refused to buy anything from that harlot now that she's starting her own fashion brand but that's neither here or there, I noticed that it was your style so I got it for you. Now if you excuse me, I have a meeting to get to, have a good day."

Bonus! Malphas Lines:

"Oof! Well, hey there to you too, c'mon Sumire, I wasn't gone for that long. Yeah, well, I'm finally starting to live life more as "Masuzō" than "Malphas", is that...wrong? Are you angry? Oh, good. Look, if you're gonna act like a brat then I might as well throw your birthday gift away, yeah, that's what I thought."

"I thought you'd like it. Can't go wrong with good ol' black and purple, the family colors. That's not all, it's a locket, open it, I put something inside. Neat, yeah? This was from when we all went on that picnic Aiko forced us to have, it...was a good day, I enjoyed it. Happy Birthday, Sumire."

[twinge-of-cosmicangst]

what are your hopes for the final episode?

Gonna go by character I guess

Kendall- Kendall has always been a favourite of mine, I have liked him less this season, that’s not me saying he’s been OC or anything, I just think it’s his natural progression now he hasn’t got the moral of high ground over his father. He is becoming his father, he is the epitome of “the cycle” some people think Shiv is most like Logan, some even think Roman is, but to me it’s Kendall, and always has been, and it’s even more evident this season. When Ewan said that he and Logan had a meagreness about them, but the the difference between them is that Ewan tries to be moral, whereas at some point Logan stopped trying. Meaning that once upon a time Logan was a better man, which I think can be somewhat backed up by Connor the eldest being somewhat softer then the rest, perhaps Logan was not as brutal with him, if somewhat absent because of his obsession with his career (remind you of anyone) and then 15-25 odd years later his youngest son is physically beaten by him. I think when Ewan made that “he stopped trying” statement about Logan, the audience was supposed to think about Kendall. Despite his faults Kendall has shown genuine empathy multiple times throughout first 3 seasons and yet in season 4 he grows more and more cold as he literally tries to become his father. So the natural conclusion to this is that he becomes CEO but he is deeply unhappy and his soul is basically ruined and his whole family inevitably hating him. That would be a sad ending for Kendall fans, but it’s honestly hard to imagine another one for him, other then perhaps suicide, which I think is a possibility. So out of those to options I’d guess I’ll say CEO? I don’t know, the other potential CEO that I think could happen is maybe Tom, which would not great for him in the long run either but ultimately not as thematically tragic.

Roman- I honestly have no idea what Roman’s end game could be, I’m not even sure what I would want for him, that probably has something to do with the fact that he has never been one of my favourites, yet I do feel empathy for his character, Logan abused all his children, yet Roman was the only one he physically abused, to be singled out like that must be traumatising. I think he is slightly more likely to get a somewhat happier ending then Kendall (idk why I just feel it in my waters) and yeah he’s not my favourite but I don’t hate him, so I’ll be fine with him getting a neutral ending, perhaps working at Waystar (not CEO) and befriending Gerri once again?

Shiv: I am 99% sure that Shiv will not be CEO “American” or otherwise, I think pretty much all the other mains (aside from Connor) have more of a chance becoming CEO. This is not because I’m secretly a internal misogynist, neither do I think she will not become CEO because of her “Lack of experience” No the reason I think she has no chance is because of how the last episode ended Lucas telling her he can make the “American CEO work” was basically a neon sign saying “Matsson may be able to get an American CEO to work but it sure as fuck won’t be Shiv” that’s just how narrative convention works. Matsson is shady as fuck and it’s been kind of obvious that he’s been playing Shiv the whole time, she is aware of this and she has been playing him too, but she is only aware to an extent because when her mind is so close to the prize, I think she gets a little carried away. It fluctuates but at the moment Shiv is my second favourite character, and what I want for her professionally is what I’ve wanted for her since I watched season 2 and that’s to go back into politics. Connor has always been a bit of a scrounger (I love him though) and Ken and Roman of course have always been in the family business. Shiv was the only one to make a career for herself (yes she had a huge amount of privilege to help her build that career) but still she had a career that was hers not her fathers, not only that but she was a democrat, while her father has a hugely intimidating and influential presence in the conservative landscape, I never see anyone talk about how brave that was (even if it was somewhat to spite him lol) and yet after years of apparent resistance Logan managed to reel her back in, and we saw she was as desperate for his approval as her brothers were. The scene where Logan persuaded her to take her picture with Menken is one of the most devastating in the show imo, she was so reluctant but she did so for a promise of Waystar and Logan’s approval. She clearly had some passion for working in politics and she appeared to enjoy her job. This hope for her is fruitless though because it is the last episode of the last season so in terms of profession, my hope for Shiv would be that she ends up at Pierce, or perhaps goes into business with Roman (could they maybe work better together without Kendall, maybe it would be a disaster idk) I think there is more of a chance that Shiv gets out then there is for her brothers (she actually knows there is life outside of Waystar from 10+ years of a different career) also as she is my favourite of the siblings she is the one I want to escape the most, as I think working at Waystar (living in the haunted house) will end in misery for any of the siblings and I do want Shiv to be somewhat happy. In terms of personal I want Tom and Shiv to officially end it (although I think that’s unlikely this point) I’m not even talking from a Tomgreg perspective, Tom and Shiv clearly make each other miserable (I do believe they do love each other though) and I know them being miserable together is part of the appeal for a lot of people (hand in unloveable hand and all) but I would personally like them to put themselves out of their misery for good (honestly it would be better for their child as well) Speaking of the baby, I do not want to speak of it much because it is basically pointless as a plotline as we’ll never actually get to see the thing (unless they flash forward Harry Potter style “Logan Roman Nate Wambsgans you were named after the biggest sicko I’ve ever known”) I am not someone who was dead set against Shiv getting pregnant (in fact I thought it was a real possibility with some of the hints we got in season 3) but upon finding out that Jesse added it in last minute, it only makes me think the whole plotline is rushed and pointless and if the whole point of it is to bring Tom and Shiv back together, then dear god 🙄

Connor and Willa- These two’s married life seems to be going well (Yay I love Conwilla) and I think it is highly unlikely that they will randomly implode in the last episode, if they do, Jesse, I will Annie Wilkes your ass (For legal reasons this is a joke) but as the last episode is going to be very Waystar centric, Conwilla will probably be minimal, my main hope for them in the final is they get more screen time then I expect and that I am presently surprised, and that they are happy. Career wise it would be nice to hear how Willa’s playwriting is going, and I honestly don’t have a preference whether Connor is going to remain in politics or go back to “ranching” whatever tickles his pickle. What I would like for Connor though is a little, just smidge of affection from the sibs. GIVE US A SIBLING HUG WITH ALL 4 SIBLINGS YOU COWARDS! I know that the sibs care for Connor in their own way, but he doesn’t (he literally said no one loves him and none of them bothered correct him) Not to bring up the Tomshiv babby again but I can’t believe Matsson heard about it before brodad 🤮 the injustice. Please let at least one of the sibs have sweet moment with him. Please 🙏

Tom and Greg- Saving the best till last baby! I do genuinely want the gay art gallery date (real ones know) it is possible if somewhat unlikely. Other then that I do not expect Tomgreg to go canon but I would like them to have a decent amount of screen time (like proportionally the same as episode 8 which would be more screen time then episode 8 because episode 10 is 1/3 longer then episode 8, if I’m making sense) dream would be to have proportionally the same amount of screen time as episode 1 but that is unrealistic (episode 1 felt about 40% lmao). I would obviously like them to end on good terms, and I want them to be working together! I think Tom is a genuine possibility for “American CEO” he has experience, and Lukas may just do it to fuck with the Roy siblings. Matsson seems to genuinely like Greg but even he wouldn’t make someone like Greg CEO, under qualified is an understatement, the markets would freak, but maybe he would settle for Tom instead, maybe Greg persuades Matsson to name Tom (that would be the dream) I do think being CEO of Waystar inevitably leads to misery for anyone who becomes it (to quote Gerri “the job that makes your brain explode”) but like I said it’s not as tragic with Tom, because he won’t have the corpse of his abusive dead father breathing down his neck. Ultimately I would like Tom and Greg to be somewhat ok and working together and remain besties, wouldn’t mind Tom becoming CEO but idrc. If I’m being realistic I think Tom could end things in a really bad place unemployed? Publicly shamed? Getting arrested for cruises?? Lmao the last one is unlikely but not impossible, but I don’t want any of those things to happen, because he’s my favourite character and I don’t want him to be completely miserable, but I can deal with somewhat miserable, he kind of deserves it. With Greg I think he is the most likely out of the main characters to end up in a good place career wise (although again not CEO lmao) but it means nothing to me if he is in a good place career wise but estranged from Tom, so yeah Tomgreg to remain besties is really what I want for them the most (cheesy I know) a little bit of homoeroticism wouldn’t hurt either but I refuse to get my hopes up.

It just occurred to me while writing this that I said I wouldn’t mind if Tom became CEO but that I also said if Kendall doesn’t become CEO he’ll die! That is perhaps a bit extreme. But what I’m saying is that I think that out of all the characters Kendall is the most doomed by the narrative and will have a tragic ending no matter what, and hoping that he doesn’t his somewhat pointless, the only good thing that I can bring myself to hope for Kendall, is that his relationship with his siblings isn’t completely destroyed by the end of the series and that they are still on speaking terms.

[moodymisty]

❀ Misty's Follower Milestone Event ❀

EDIT: Event is finished!!! Thank you so much to everyone who's sent requests or kind words, it's been a blast!

Wow guys, thank you!! It means so much to see people enjoying my writing (and my silly chatting), and I hope to continue making you all happy <3 Deciding to come back to tumblr was the best choice I made last year.

I don’t really talk to much about myself on here, but I'll give a tiny bit of backstory. I’ve had this exact same blog since around 2011, it's seen so many fandoms, but I purged it in 2018. After that I completely quit posting online; Until last year when my depression decided to come back hard because of some irl issues, and I ended up going back to Star Wars and Darksiders as a comfort. Posting again was incredibly nerve-wracking as it had been so long since I’d written anything beyond silly personal drabbles, but I’m incredibly happy to see even one person enjoy what I make. I have zero shortage of self doubt for everything I create, but even if it sounds cheesy, nothing makes me happier than knowing something I created has made someone smile.

But wah wah enough sob story, onto the event! A sentence prompts list! I tried to make a good amount of spicy ones, some sfw ones, and even one or two angsty ones. Feel free to take any sentence(s) or prompts from here and send me a character in my ask box! Or multiple, if it strikes your fancy? Any Star Wars or Darksiders character is welcome, and I'm more than happy to stretch my legs and do a character I don’t do as much, or haven’t before.

I'll accept asks for this for around the two weeks or so give or take, so feel free to send something in if you'd like!

(I won’t be using my tag list on these posts just to avoid spam)

All the prompts are under this readmore, to avoid having a super long post.

↳Sentence prompts

“ I can’t stop thinking about you. ”

“ You really need to shave. ” 

" I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me. "

" Where do you think you're going? "  

“ You should go. ”

“ You have no idea how much I want to kiss you. ”

" Never tease me like that again. "

" Kneel. "

" Sorry, couldn't sleep. "

" I want to do bad things to you. "

" Do whatever you want to me. "

" I want you in my mouth. "

" Quit looking at me like that. I know what that look means. "

“ I just don’t like the way he/she/they look at you, that’s all. ”

“ You don’t own me. ”

" You don't have to be gentle with me. "

" I'd cut out that attitude. "

" I'm not letting you out of my sight. "

" You really want me? "

" I, didn't know you liked that. "

" Ask nicely. "

" I can't stop thinking about you. "

" Want to sleep in my bed tonight? "

" Can you teach me? "

" Keep talking. "

" You look so hot when you do that. "

“ Can you help me? ”

" Um... I'm stuck. "

" Were you crying? "

" I hate you. "

" You're so fucking cute. "

" Why do you never talk to me? "

“ I, I think I’m pregnant. "

" You need to choose. "

“You're shivering... do you want my (clothing here)”

↳Scenario prompts

Needing something off the top shelf and needing to ask for help to get it down

Finding out they have a momento of you somewhere on them they bring everywhere

You or them saying a petname by accident

Soothing you or them after having a nightmare

Caught partly undressed or totally naked

Sharing food

Having to bathe together

Sending or saying something naughty to them during an inopportune moment

Accidental(?) flashing

Stealing a piece of their(your) clothing

Patching them up after a fight

Cuddling up for heat

Making them(you) blush

Giving them a nice (sexy) surprise ;3

Being given/getting flowers

Secret relationship

Reading together

Getting caught/catching them during a 'private' moment

And again, thank you all so much!!!

[snail-berry]

My whole life I’ve felt like I’m never enough of something to fit in to a group/community. I’m non-binary but I present very femininely so most people assume I’m a woman which I was ok with at the time. I’m Jewish but I was raised Catholic and sent to catholic school (my parents were told it would be a better education) so I am not as educated as I’d like to be (but I have been learning) and I don’t fit in with my Jewish family as much nor did I ever fit in with my Catholic classmates as I was always “the Jewish one”. I’m fat but until recently I was in between sizes where I still got ridiculed for being fat and doctors told me losing weight would fix all my problems but was never fat “enough” to fit into a community or have support. Overall, I was too much or not enough to fit in with my peers in some way or another.

So, I tried to be “normal” and fit in with my classmates or friends but it never worked. Trying to be straight and cis did not make me straight or cis and trying to be thin did not make me thin, it made me miserable and self conscious and have disordered eating and hate myself for being the way I am. I have never been able to fit in with others and finding out I’m probably autistic has explained part of that but Ive always felt like I’m either too much or never enough for everyone I’ve ever met and it makes just being me so hard.

In recent years, I’ve become the kind of person who is unapologetically myself because for so long I completely hid who I was to try to fit in with these communities. I tried to be cis, I tried to be “Catholic” and hide that I was Jewish (which is hard with a very Jewish last name haha), I tried to lose weight and dress in ways that made me appear thinner so I could be “normal”. But becoming unapologetically myself has been something that has made me so much more confident and happy with myself and my life. I’ve never gotten more compliments than when I dyed my hair or when I wear outfits that don’t hide my body. I’ve gotten a partner who loves and accepts me for who I am and stopped being friends with people who didn’t support me as I am. I express myself how I feel comfortable doing so and while I still face homophobia and fatphobia and lots of judgements from others I am becoming who I want to be and that has made me so much happier.

[westcoastrae]

i been so emotionally drained today. i just cried to my mom and now i am crying again so of course i am about to rant on here.

i woke up this morning and got on tiktok just to see my ex looking at my things again. in a way i find it funny because i gave him 5 years of my life to get it right, to treat me the way i wanted/deserved, and now he clearly regrets fucking up so many times. but i mostly just get overwhelmed and angry by it. it feels so disrespectful. the way i would sob to this man, i’d cry and beg for him to be the man i thought he was and knew he could be. i spent so much time wondering what i could fix and change to be better for him, wondering what was wrong with me that he didn’t want to love me properly, feeling like i wasn’t worth being treated with kindness or even being given the bare minimum. i just find it so disrespectful he cant give me peace after all this time. i’ve worked so hard to let him go, it took so much strength to leave him for good and not go back to him or get stuck in that cycle with him again. he would cry over how badly he felt for making me feel the way he did and now that i am clearly doing better and i’m happier without him he wants to start looking at my things again? it just feels like he assumes he will always have access to me and we will always be in the cycle we were in. it hurts that someone i considered my best friend treated me the way he did and continues to make it known he doesn’t care about my feelings, only his own. i’m angry that his actions have affected me so deeply that i have a hard time in my new relationship and feel like i need to build up walls. i’ve found someone that, for whatever reason, loves me so genuinely and unconditionally. he is patient with me when i allow my past relationships to affect how i go about things in our relationship. and i find myself wanting to correct negative behaviors, i want to be better in this relationship because thinking of losing him breaks my heart. i feel so safe and comfortable around my boyfriend now. he makes me so happy and makes me feel loved and feel beautiful, he never does anything to hurt me, he never tries to do things to punish me for my feelings like my ex did, he is quick to talk things out and apologize when he’s wrong and forgive me when i’m wrong, he listens to me when I’m expressing myself even if i don’t know how to explain myself well, he makes me feel like i can be open and vulnerable with him. i trust him so much. i’ve never been able to say i trust my partner until i met him. i’ve never been able to say i felt like my partner truly loved me for me and accepted my flaws and wanted to build together and become better together. i really do love this man so much. i just want peace, i want to be left alone, i want to continue to be happy with my boyfriend, i want to unlearn all the bad coping mechanisms, and i want to start taking down walls. i’m so tired of being drained like this over stupid shit that stupid people did  to me.

march.10.23

[trisharchives]

Get off the console, Anxiety.

As my birthday approaches, I find myself navigating the familiar mix of anticipation and introspection. Birthdays, after all, are milestones that remind us of how far we’ve come and the dreams that still feel out of reach. This year, though, the only gift I truly wish for is peace of mind—a rare kind of serenity that feels harder to come by as life grows more complex. More than material things or fleeting celebrations, I long for a sense of balance, a quiet assurance that everything is unfolding as it should.

The past few months haven’t been easy. I found myself drawn to kdramas, movies, novels, and writing—whether fanfic or blog posts. This isn’t unusual for me, but lately, I’ve withdrawn from communicating with others or going out altogether.

Why is that a problem? Well, when I shut people out, I ignore messages unless they're urgent, and I decline invitations even if I’m free to go. I isolate myself because I don’t have the confidence to show up in front of others.

My mind has been in chaos, with anxious thoughts making it hard to sleep at night and holding me back from going out during the day.

There are moments when I want to go somewhere—visit a friend, go to the mall, or even just run to the grocery store—but I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel so small, metaphorically.

I worry that some people talk about me behind my back. It might sound silly to others, but these thoughts began with people close to me—the ones I least expected, especially since all I’ve ever tried to be is kind.

“Why can’t you just ignore them and live your life?” some might ask. “Can’t you just cut them off?”

Yes, I could ignore them. But can you truly cut off family? For some, maybe; but not in my case.

I’m not happy, but I’m not sad either. I just feel empty. Some days, their words replay in my mind like a broken record, chipping away at my confidence each time. And then I wonder, If my own family can do this to me, why wouldn’t others?

This isn’t me. It’s so far from the person I used to be. I was never afraid to go outside or talk to people. My friends used to tease me for being “Miss Congeniality” because of how friendly I was. But lately, I can’t even go out without a face mask, as if it’s the only way to feel unseen.

All I’ve ever done is try to be kind, but kindness doesn’t always mean much to some people.

Slowly, I’m finding my way back. Watching shows, cooking, reading, and writing have become my coping mechanisms; they help quiet my mind and give me small ways to connect with friends. I also try going on solo grocery runs, running other errands, and attending church on Sundays to get comfortable being around others again.

After all, I know I can’t please everyone. At the end of the day, I’m the only one who truly knows who I am and why I make the choices I do. I also have my mom and friends who know me better than anyone else, and that’s what truly matters.

My younger self would be proud of what I’ve overcome in these past months. And I know she would be even happier to see me celebrating this birthday, in spite of everything, with a peaceful and grateful heart.

Everyone has their silent battles in life, and kindness can make all the difference. So, let’s be kind—both to others and to ourselves.

Date Written: November 2024

[randomlyritchie]

#RitchieWrites: Episode 1 - And Just Like That, I Wandered Off…

Sooo, I’m gonna be honest, I NEVER planned to write my book like this. When I graduated college, I wanted to go work in film for Tyler Perry. From there, I was supposed to start a production company. Once I became this rich established woman, I was going to write my own stuff. In a way, I wanted my career to look a little like Reese Witherspoon���s. I would act, make money, and then do my own projects. However, despite my best efforts, I still ended up…well…here. This is in no way, shape, or form the life I wanted for myself. Nevertheless, here I am. I write this little backstory to give context to why I sometimes struggle with writing. I was never supposed to be a “starving” artist like this. I’m a firm believer in being guided by God, so even though it can still hurt, I understand that my plan was not God’s. I no longer want to work for Tyler Perry. Hollywood…well…I have no words for the dark cloud it has become in my mind. It just feels like the land of perverts.

So, what’s a girl to do when her dreams feel broken? If you comb even further back in my life, my ORIGINAL dream was to write a book. Elementary school Autumn envisioned & started doing this. It wasn’t until high school & reading Terry McMillian books that I even thought about film. I still have this desire for writing, so I keep pursuing it. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard. I’m gonna say it again, this is never what I wanted. But I’ve come far enough to understand that what I wanted wouldn’t have worked.

Sooo, I’m gonna be honest again, I NEVER planned to start writing a book last year. I literally (like literally) was just going to journal & get myself back into the practice of writing. I went to a writing festival last February, and my writing trajectory has not been the same. I’m on a path that I could totally get off of, but I would hate myself for it. I’ve been fasting with God for months, so it’s kind of hard to say I don’t feel like I see His hand in this.

Okay, sooo, I’m gonna be honest about one more thing… I NEVER meant to hurt my leg at the end of last year. I feel like hurting my leg messed up the beginning of my year. I’m gonna be honest (because I suck at lying…even though I just said I was gonna be honest about one more thing 😂😂😂), something else threw me off as well. I don’t want to talk about it, but I think (know) that brought me down a little. Still, I was plugging away, but I would have moments of burnout. When the solar eclipse happened in April, I shifted like the sun & moon. I wandered off & just went through life. I wasn’t in a depression or anything, I just wandered off.

In May, I celebrated my birthday & could not have been happier to see another year of life. Listen, I ain’t mourning getting older, life is to be celebrated!!! The Northern Lights even showed up on MY BIRTHDAY!!! I was supposed to be working on a project (outside of the book), but there was just too much going on. So, in May, I didn’t do much writing at all.

So, here we are, at the halfway mark of the year. I’m honestly not mad at what I’ve accomplished so far. I just have to get back on track. I stopped posting on here about my progress because it seemed redundant. Like, how many times can you look at a Starbucks cup??? How many times can you look at my notebooks & binder??? Here’s the thing that I’ve been saying: posting my progress holds me accountable. Maybe no one is watching, but putting it out there means it’s out there. I think I needed a different way to post about it. I don’t want to do like this daily thing. I think I’ll just do posts like this. I’ll just make it a series. I feel like I’ve tried this before, but we will try again. Looove yooouuu! Laaater!!! ✌🏾💖💋✨

xoxo,

Autumn 💁🏾‍♀️

[feralgremlinchild]

Tw death, medical, child custody

(also I can’t remember how to do a read more so heads up it’s a long post)

I’ve been gone a while, I kept meaning to return but everything in life just kept getting worse. Taking care of my mother became more of a challenge, and the past 6 months she was in hospitals and skilled nursing homes. We had some good times together, I took her to see the eras tour in theater because she absolutely loved Taylor swift.

My mother died a week and a half ago, thankfully she was aware of what was happening and she was ready for it. She had unfortunately already been legally dead and revived and intubated before she had a chance to sign a dnr. She hated being intubated, but I tried to help as best I could to make communication possible for her the seven days she was intubated. I made her a talking board.

I tried my best to treat her with dignity and make sure she had the little comforts the past few months. I drew signs for her hospital wall, I brought her her favorite stuffed animal, I clipped and filed her nails, I brought my (retired) service dog to see her because she adored him and he always made her feel better. Helped order her food. Found solutions to little problems like an elastic band for her watch instead of a buckle. Assistive devices and technology. It never felt like a chore, it wasn’t a decision I had to make, I just did things.

She had finally decided a couple months ago that she was not going to take more of her dilaudid than prescribed. And she was actually sticking to that. I had been waiting for that my entire life and I was so so proud of her. She was trying very hard. She wanted to see my niece again, she wanted to be around a while longer. Up until the beginning of March, the doctors told us they weren’t sure how much time she had left, but it could be months or even a year, it depended on her recovery. Her body’s ability to recover. In the end though it was just too tired, she’d been sick her entire life and she couldn’t recover from this last infection.

My niece’s dad allowed her to visit the hospital a couple days before my mother passed. I didn’t get to see the kid because I wasn’t at the hospital, I had already gone home. The kid had been given a phone for her birthday a few days earlier, and has been allowed to contact us so far. I haven’t seen her in person since December, but I’ll see her on Friday at the service. We’ve been texting though, mostly about games we both play and inside jokes.

I had to buy a black dress because my old one ripped. I have lost a lot of weight recently anyways, it probably wouldn’t have fit. It turns out stress and grieving can take the pounds off you even when an eating disorder couldn’t. It’s not exactly happy weight loss. I haven’t been celebrating it. But the weight did need to come off, so maybe at least my joints will be a little happier.

Now I have to find a job at some point in the next couple of months. The insurance money won’t last forever, and I had always planned on getting a job after my mother passed. She had been my full time job for years. I’m going to get a job, help my dad sell the house, and then move out of Texas. If all goes well I will be in New England this time next year. It’s a big move but I need to get as far away as possible, I’ve been dreaming of this for years and years and it’s finally time to start making steps towards it.

Also both of my big dogs have large tumors and I have no money for removal or treatment.

Also also my cousin’s wedding is in less than two weeks and it’s a 5 hour drive minimum and I did get a dress and it’s good but I do not feel like celebrating anything right now. The guy is nice tho, very kind and has what the church people call a heart of service. They’re cute together. And my cousin is great and I love her and I grew up with her almost like a sister, even going to the same schools. But I’m just not in a happy wedding mood. I’m going anyway of course.

[voiceshearingyouloud]

Long, rambling post about relationship anxiety and OCD under the read-more

For some reason my brain has been making me think more and more about breaking up with my partner recently. This started maybe late summer this year, and it’s driving me insane because I love them very much and I want to be with them and I wish I would stop having thoughts about breaking up with them at the slightest provocation.

I’ve determined that they’re essentially intrusive thoughts and I won’t get anywhere by ruminating on it, because every time I ruminate it entrenches the thought pattern further and further into my brain. It’s hard to let go of it though because I feel strongly that I shouldn’t string them along or stay in a relationship too long if it’s not good for me. But I do want to be in a relationship with them, it’s just all this bullshit my brain makes me obsess over because of my attachment issues or OCD or whatever the hell else.

One of the main culprits of this dumb thinking is that phrase ‘do you like them as well as love them?’ It’s actually the bane of my existence at this point because loving someone and liking them are pretty inextricable to me. I understand the point of the phrase is that people will stay with someone they don’t mesh with because of being in love with them but I find it impossible to determine if that’s what’s happening with me. Partly because I knew my partner since we were 13 and they used to be kind of annoying, lol. They freely admit this and have changed a great deal, to be honest we both have. It’s just they still sometimes do things that remind me of how they used to act and my brain jumps on it and goes ‘see? You don’t like them because you didn’t used to like them and now they’re doing something that reminds you of that.’ Which is incredibly stupid logic. Everyone I know annoys me sometimes and it’s only going to get more pronounced the closer I get to someone. Also it’s the most minuscule things that they agree they need to work on so like. What.

And the reasons I love them are things I like about them. I don’t really see how you could be in love with someone without liking things about them. I think it’s just that the way I’m wired I have to know someone really well before I fall in love with them, like it’s really slow for me. But it’s pretty much one and the same so if I ask myself ‘what do I like about them?’ the answers are the same as the answers to ‘what do I love about them?’ and my brain tries to convince me that that means I don’t like them even though that makes no sense.

Maybe I’m just too autistic for that phrase but the way it’s jammed into my brain has really been a thorn in my side. I think the annoying thing is that my abandonment issues make me sometimes want to break up with them because I’m scared they’ll leave me so I can avoid that by leaving them first. Also my OCD likes to attach itself to anything I really care about because it knows that’ll upset me the most. I think I need to put a moratorium on obsessing about this for a while, like I have with the sexuality OCD.

With that I’ve stopped obsessing over it altogether because I realised that despite the fact I’ve ruminated on it probably hundreds of times now, I’ve never reached a satisfying conclusion that I’m 100% certain of. If the other hundred times haven’t worked, what makes me think that I’ll crack the case by ruminating this time? I think this is pretty much the same. The telltale sign of rumination for me is that it feels like scratching an itch to get rid of anxiety but it just makes the itch worse in that weird pain-pleasure way. (I think I’ve had too many mosquito bites in my life). And this train of thought definitely fits that. The more I can distance myself and live with the uncertainty of ‘maybe I should break up, maybe I shouldn’t. Either way I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it and ruminating doesn’t help’ the happier and more peaceful my brain will be.

And damn if I don’t love them a great deal. This kind of thinking hurts me so much because it makes me anxious to even think about them which is so awful cause I love thinking about them cause I love them! I was reading this article about when you should break up with someone (internet research is another telltale sign of OCD rumination for me) and it mentioned that if you can’t see yourself growing old with them, that’s a bad sign. And I realised that growing old with them is one of the things I want most for my future and I just got this great sense of peace thinking of them and I being old and married and having faced all of life together and being happy and close to each other and I was like damn. I think I do want to stay with them lol (understatement).

Anyway thanks for listening to my long, rambling post that should’ve been a diary entry but Lord knows my tumblr is more my diary these days. Also I did write about this in my diary and it was still bugging me so it’s good to get it out here. If anyone wants to give me any advice I’d also be happy to hear it! You guys have been along for the ride of my relationship pretty much from the start which is kinda cool :-) Well, I’ll stop rambling now.

[444julesz]

blah blah blah okay whatever i’m gonna vent on here bc i don’t know anywhere else to dump my feelings

i just feel so weird today. i woke up shitty and i’m still feeling shitty.

there is SO much i want to say but i don’t know how to say it because there’s so much backstory to what i’m saying and i’m a little too lazy to type all of that lmaoo

but ever since i was a kid i’ve always wanted to have close friends. sure i had friends but i wanted a ride or die basically, because i saw other people in friendship groups that were unbreakable and i was always jealous of that. i’d always long for this one friend that i could count on forever and it would just be me and them til the end of time and you know i did have a friend like that once. but time kinda came inbetween us and after we left school she changed and made new friends and got popular n whatnot. my mum still asks me about her sometimes and i just pretend like we still talk, because we were called twins all the time we would never leave eachother alone. she was the only friend that was actually allowed at my house because we were so close. and my mum and her mum were close too it was just amazing. and when my mum didn’t show up for my end of year production at school, my friends mum welcomed me with open arms and told me how proud of me she was, making up for the fact my own mother didn’t show up (lol)

but moving on from that stage of my life i started high school and i was still very much struggling with friendships. friendships have always been a hard thing for me, i struggle making friends and i struggle keeping them (thanks to autism!!!) and i think that’s the thing that’s killing me the most. i think i search for some kind of comfort in friendships that i cant find from my parents which is a little unhealthy i’ll admit

but yeah i started high school in a completely different town from where i grew up so it was a fresh start. it was also a new school so my year group was the very first year group there so it was easier to make friends because we all didn’t know eachother. i started out in this one friendship group for the first year and then kinda created my own with these other girls from my form. but that friendship group changed a lot through the years. arguments, rumours, gossiping, people were just coming and going from our group until we were left with the original three. and i look back at that friendship group and think if i stayed at that school i probably would’ve been happier there but then i remember all those times where i would get made fun of by them. i was a bit on the bigger side around this time and i would wear these tights that didn’t fit, so when i walked they would slowly slide down my legs to the point where it was noticeable. like it would be below my kneecaps and i tried to pull them back up as much as i could but sometimes there was just so many people around i couldn’t do it so i had to go to the bathroom. and i remember one of my friends noticing and she pointed it out and got everybody laughing at me and i RAN to the bathroom and cried. and that girl is one of those “omg ur so sensitive” whenever you get upset over something she says that she insists was a joke but it wasn’t really a joke if i didn’t find it amusing?!? and there were other times where i felt left out in that friendship group but i’ll save that for another time. so fast forward i have to move towns again!!! and i fucking hated it i hate change so much and this was the first huge change for me because i have never moved house outside of my hometown before. so that meant i had to make new friends comPLETELY on my own. at my old school i still had friends from my primary school there so at least there was people i knew but now i was just on my own. and that terrified me. so fast forward again i get sat next to this girl and we talk and i’m just automatically grouped up with her and she introduces me to her friends and this ends up being the friendship group i stick with for the rest of my school years but it undergoes changes yet again as many people get into arguments and leave (i’m starting to think i was the problem because they were completely fine before i joined lol i tend to be quite the instigator)

i think moving to this school has been quite hard and probably one of the hardest things i’ll ever do. i don’t learn anything i’m basically fucking braindead lmao. but ANYWAYS back to the main point of this vent: friendships. i don’t think i can remember when i’ve truly been content in a friendship in a long time. it’s been a while. and i’m seeing my mutuals on instagram on facetime together being all cute and posting eachother 24/7 and i’m like why can’t i have that? why can’t i have my fun online friendship group where we call every night and create inside jokes? but then again i am not that much of a likeable person and i am aware of that. i really do have my assholey moments and i know that makes me a hard person to be friends with but i’m trying. i really am.