#im so tired im never getting better. next year my bf is travelling for over a month and im stuck in classes and busy and job hunting

[serainechor]

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[imissyoulilgucciv]

So this has become more of a journal/grief thing which is interesting because I’ve also had a blogger but set to private since like 13 so thats intense and I have thousands of compulsive letters to no one, but my head just doesn’t seem to sort itself out, unless I can actually slow down enough, like right here. 

Today, 

Woke up 2 hours earlier than usual so I could have 1.5 hours more to instal my art, the word art makes me uncomfortable which is funny to me, so I went to install my thing but there was an accident so instead I got there with 30 mins, I got most of it done but not all, didn’t matter it was an inprogress crit and I could enough up to see. I always have so much in my head and I also used text this time which I thought was also funny because when talked about they called it poetry and I just didn’t even look at it like that 

I feel like this is the first project I didn’t stress over at all, but also had a lot of time to do it and no pressure from the teacher with harsh deadlines or anything so that was part of it, the other part is being in such a place of discomfort and shock that I have to be slow and I don’t have it in me to add any more chaos to the grief I’m feeling. So for me that is actually one benefit of this, its just saying fuck it to a lot of things, but in good ways. 

 my teacher cried during my crit which made me feel just great, and then I didn’t get a parking ticket but I should have, so I was excited and left but then went back to remove my shit and photo and then I went to get my car and bring it closer for the camera (long story) but I drove my car back in a slightly different spot and then still got a ticket because  the chalk was still on my wheels even though I was gone for at least an hour and a half. but whatever theres like 4 hours worth of “work”, not my biggest worries though. 

Then I busted my phone, my thoughts were oh well now I have an excuse for not wanting to respond to this persons text about hanging out.  

so i go get my old phone to see if I should still use that one, and ofcorse doing this leads me to 1 years worth of messages with gus. The struggle is real, I can’t even cry because this is so overwhelming, I knew it was always hard, and I was different this time around because I Was pushing back, but like you just see the back and forward nature and gus is like “im done” this is too much for me and then the next day or same day its like hopeful for the future we have and even one that was a super cute photo of like flower people (to me it was super sexual but he didn’tn notice this until I pointed it out then we joked  about being watered) but he said he wouldn’t worry any more and that he was sure no matter where we ended up we’d do something good or something like that, something that could make a small difference or whatever and that is heartbreaking, then you know the next day all over again fast and furious and I imagine how exhausting that was for gus, it’s overwhelming and I Feel in my state of greif I can understand BUT from the point of view that I have a reason to feel these ways which is much easier than to have a seemingly perfect life, beautiful face, no visible problems and people think stop whining or whatever and you feel crazy as shit because nothing feels right but nothing is wrong except you. Thats not a good feeling. Thats the invisible wheel chair. I just wish I had done so many different things, and said so many different things, I started joining in on the upset because I Wasn’t going to do that this time, I was being hurt to so lots of fuck you’s and I love yous and its fucking nuts, its all nuts, and this was the last time... I had no idea what I was in for. I could have done better but I was too involved, and also blinded by optimism. you don’t know whats in someones head and I forgot while gus was honest, he also had a way of only discolosing certain info, I thought he didn’t do that with me but in reality I can see now he did, just like he picked and chose what to tell his therapist about me, so that my image was protected. Gus was odd in that way, to protect my image because of how he felt, and its not that he was protecting his image to me, but I know he did want us to work out and he was giving me his best sides, and I loved those sides, and to think I got all the good, and yet still by the day, maybe week, maybe once a month you name it we would have really confusing fights where he would insit on withdrawing and I should have let him, I should have understood it was TOO much like he said I mean I thought I felt it was too much too, but like then it comes down to the I dont want to live without you 

and he realizes he can’t live with me 

and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me or his mom, and he realizes he could actually really hurt either one of us when he’s not making any sense 

and its exhausting back and forth, one week feels like a fucking month, and I think his whole teen/adult life was like that, it was super condensed and super fast. He did travel, he did live in a commune for a period, dual citizenship, went through a good amount of personality growth and interests, and the last being one that I respect a lot, permaculture, and then the things that stayed the same with him like the inside jokes and the laughing, his clenliness and interest in some rap with the perfect lyrics and same taste in music, so loving, so embracing. 

I can’t read these and think its over, I still open the door to his room when I get home and I think Hey Gus I’m back!! and I want to tackle him and give him all the hugs and kisses. The thing is we never had that though, I mean I never came home here, this was never my home, always a place I felt welcome but I didn’t live here, and I didn’t come here like every day nor usually when I was done with school, there would be times wher eI’d come but he would greet me at the front door, so this coming into the room and him being there is a fantasy I’ve created, Its the one where I think god like why couldn’t this be how it was, why couldn’t we have been this ideal happy family.. why did you have to leave, and why did I go so hard on you, and I know it wasn’ my choice but I really I’m so stubborn I can’t get over it I can’t forgive myself, I can’t thin it couldn’t have been different because it could have, and it wasn’t and I was part of that circle. I failed in ways I wasn’t aware of but I still feel accountable. 

So now to complete my overwhelming day, 

to see the medium perform ! Gus I hope you come, Ive been talking outloud to him, it comforts me, I think now Im going to be crazy lady , the one that doesn’t talk to cats but talks to the deceased bf. 

Its a disaster. I can’t be the same. I feel so wrong, but also free in all my wrongness because I can say piss off, I’m still working on  my piss of people pleasing skills because it just happens, I get nervous, then adrenaline that allows me to perform instead of being myself, or how I Feel. instead I can only use words and when my expression doesn’t match people don’t take me seriously, how can I blame them ?

I just miss you, 

I have a bracelet from the women in my group, she said she thought of me, that means so much to me, it says “my story isn’t over yet” super cliche but the intention and the person behind it just makes me cry because we share the worst thing imaginable. Blessed. although I’m not sure how to ever wear it because its a set size metal bangle type which never fit my wrists. 

I feel pretty nuts when I write like this, but I’d rather be here than having real friends and feeling like im going to have a melt down. I can’t cry right now even after reading those texts, I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused and upset but its numbing today. 

I do think gus was Bipolar which was what he said the first time around, he had actually been diagnosed, but that fell through, which I partically wonder if that was my influence on him and unfortunately I think between me and drug counceling he was oppossed to understanding the benefit of medication/or even necessity, and also the benefits of being diagnosed so proper treatment can at least be attempted, even though, unfortunately, the books just don’t always work. Like the book of parenting, or relationships because  I Was all wrong, and I have to think from the side of being with someone mentally ill, while I knwo I can’t be treated like crap, most of the time gus wasn’t treating me poorly other than making me hurt by the break ups and while I knew sometimes it was him being withdrawn and worried about how I felt, or being paranoid and we’d be okay sometimes it wasn’t that easy and my emotions would also take over so I’d believe him entirely and I’d be very hurt because it would always be very sudden. if only wed gotten help sooner, but I think again this time he was actually doing everything by the “book” all at once, he was invested in his interests, he was working out, he had a routine, a loving girlfriend, he was sober, seeking help.. 

and then he looses his shit with me and we think okay moving therapy up 

then he looses his shit with his mom 

then he’s gone 

it doesn’t feel good when you’re doing all the “right” things, thats why I said he wasn’t patient, you expect results, tired of hurting people and tired of feeling hurt, overwhelmed and the fucking pyshcotic voices convincing you of things that make no sense and go against what is actually true, the ones that tell you we’d be better off without you. the ones that told you I was lying or only using you, or whatever

IT wasn’t fair for you or us, and this is the price for all of it. We’d do anything to have you back. I still would have rather been taken out first, but that isn’t what happened. I need your mom to have something from you, I have my dreams but she is sinking and needs to hear something, what is “real” doesn’t matter because to me, whats there is real, just like your delusions, they were real. 

[jinjikook]

drabbleeee: 50, 55, 73 Monsta x I.M. smut pleaseeee

these three numbers are wild oh my god

50.“You know you want it, sweetheart.”

55. “It’s just you and I tonight. I was thinking we could have a little fun.”

73.“Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”

word count: 4.7k (this is literally a oneshot gdi)

pairing: reader/changkyun

genre: smut ( + fluff, it’s practically guaranteed with any of my smuts lmao) ; college AU + fuckboy!changkyun

a/n: this outfit on him screams bf material or fuckboi material, i refuse to see it any other way

It was a terrible, terrible mistake. You should’ve known better than to go to a party where Im Changkyun would be present. You were already harboring a dangerously nasty crush on him, mostly due to your unresolved sexual frustration paired up with the fact that he seemed to always flirt with you on the days your resolve was already wafer thin.

But Changkyun flirted with anything with a pulse; you shouldn’t want him. You say you don’t want him. But your friends never believe it when you say it. Who would when you say it day after day after day, as if you were only trying to convince yourself? It was clear you were at a crossroads and frankly none of your friends were helping.

“Just fuck him already and get it over with. It’s just a one time fling.” Said Hani.

“He’s bad news. But he’s hot so…” Said Siyeon.

“Changkyun? He’s amazing in bed. Not that I’d know or anything,” Said Irene.

After a million and one different responses from both your male and female friends regarding the fuck boy in question, you had had enough. You just weren’t going to act on your feelings. Simple as that.

But that was easier said than done.

Especially when you end up drunk at a party with the very same object of your fantasies. 

You awoke to the sound of someone clearing their throat before a low gravelly rumble by your body nearly vibrated you to consciousness.

“Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”

You jolted awake at the sound, ducking back against the cream colored bed sheets when you realized that you were indeed, completely naked. And in bed with a stranger. 

Turning your head, you’re met with the half-asleep face of none other than Changkyun. Eyes widening in surprise, you scramble out of the bed in shock, causing you to fall off the side, dragging the bed sheets with you. Tangled in the cotton covers, you finally manage to free your head from the fabric prison to find Changkyun with his head dangling off the side of the bed, eyeing you warily. 

“Uhh, are you okay? Most women don’t respond like this when they wake up next to me.” 

“You… and I weren’t supposed to–we didn’t… did we?” You asked, more to yourself than to Changkyun who was now laughing at you. It was like your embarrassment was for his amusement.

“What, never had a one night stand before sweetheart?” Changkyun chuckled, the nickname causing memories to slowly click back into place of last night’s events.

Last Night

There was pounding music, a mindless beat droning on loudly in the background of the two story house. The bass vibrated through the floorboards and traveled through your legs, thrumming in your veins and syncing with the steady beat of your heart.

It was the week after finals and you desperately needed to unwind after studying nonstop at the campus library nearly everyday followed by lengthy exams that stressed you beyond belief. You wanted to just relax, maybe drink a bit with your girlfriends. But they had other plans, a big party that Changkyun and his friends were throwing at their shared house. It was supposed to be a wicked rager, the best of the year. 

The girls threw a fit when you said you weren’t going, despite the fact that Changkyun had clearly invited you if the way he flirted with you meant anything.

“Guys, I’m not going, it’s final! I just need a good night to relax and–”

‘No what you need is to get laid, and Changkyun can do that for you. We’re just looking out for you Y/N, you worked hard all week. You deserve to get a good dicking down.”

You shouted at Irene and tossed a pillow in her direction, adamantly making it clear that you were not going. 

They forced you to go.

Irene chose a sinfully tight pair of jeans to go along with a flowy baby blue tank top while Hani did your makeup tastefully to accentuate your eyes in a way that clicked well with your outfit. 

Siyeon drove the three of you to pick up her boyfriend, Jaehyun, and then you were on your way. 

It brings you back to here, in the middle of the kitchen where the party was the calmest; if it could even constitute as that much. There were still people doing body shots to the side and plenty of couples making out against countertops and cupboards.

You swore you were gonna see the girl to the left of you choke on the pink haired guy’s tongue, he was so deep in her mouth. Taking a long drink from the solo cup you had in hand, you sighed deeply as you tried to ignore everyone in hopes to soothe your tense nerves for just a moment.

That moment was ruined with a hand brushing your arm, your first instinct was to pull away thinking that it was one of the couples making out by you. But when you opened your eyes, you saw that it was Changkyun himself, wearing an outfit that made you want to drop to your knees right there.

Clearing your throat and moving away from the counter you were leaning on, you stumbled on your feet and realized that you had drunk more than you anticipated. Once your friends found hookups of their own or left to peruse the dance floor, you had simply stayed in the kitchen and drank your stresses away. Unfortunately that meant drinking a lot.

Changkyun caught you in his arms, your faces mere inches away from each other as your noses brushed against each other. You stared into his eyes behind his round-rimmed glasses, the specs alone being sort of dorky but paired with the snapback on his head and the handsome face of Im Changkyun, it just looked sexy and cute. Endearing, even.

“You okay, sweetheart? Looks like you drank a little more than that pretty body can handle, huh?” Changkyun drawled, his breath smelling like mint and tangy fruits. You’re sure he drank a good amount himself, probably had some of the spiked punch that was in the colored bowl on the kitchen island.

“Need somewhere to rest your head? C’mon,” He placed his hand on the small of your back as he led you away from the commotion of the party and slowly up the stairs, careful of your lack of coordination. You knew this was just a plot, a easy trick to get you into bed for the night.

But frankly, you couldn’t bring yourself to care,  the music was now irritatingly loud and you were tired of standing in the kitchen. At least this way you’d distance yourself from the noise and get off your feet for a bit. If only you could distance yourself from the star of your wet dreams, that’d be ideal.

Once in what you assumed was his bedroom, he let you seat yourself in his bed. It was soft and covered in creams and wine reds, a surprising color choice for someone who you would’ve thought would go with ratty, cheap plaids and patterns. Taking in your surroundings, you caught sight of his expensive looking computer set up. There were large, black headphones that you knew were name brand noise-cancelling ones, a microphone set up at the side, and a small keyboard in front of his computer one. The instrument is what made you remember that Changkyun was a music major, for production if you remembered correctly. 

He noticed you were eyeing his desk and smiled. “Like it? It’s not exactly how I pictured it but it’s a start. Not every big shot producer starts out as a star, but I’ll get there one day.” He proudly spoke of his passions in the art, making you realize that there’s more to him than hot air and dick jokes.

He looked down at his phone, something catching his attention in the moment.

“Shit! I’m missing out on truth or dare! Hoseok just sent me a snapchat of Kihyun stripping to Beyonce, I gotta go Y/N. Do you mind just chilling here?” He asked, already at the door but double checking on you. 

You gave him a drunken thumbs up and smile to which he chuckled at, shaking his head and telling you to take it easy.

The calm atmosphere made you drowsy fast, and soon you were drowning out the muffled screams of the people on the floor below you, most likely still in heated truth or dare matches. 

You nodded off, but only for about 20 minutes or so. Then you awoke with a start, still half-asleep. Your sleep muddled mind didn’t realize where you were or what time it was, all you could think about was just how hot it was. Whenever it got hot in your room at the sorority, you’d just strip yourself of your clothes and sleep naked. Not like anyone could stop you, it was comfortable, clothes be damned.

Mind still addled with drowsiness, you stumbled in the dark as you took off each individual piece of clothing, your tight jeans causing you to stumble and stutter as you struggled to peel them off your legs. Finally succeeding, you silently congratulate yourself and reward yourself by slipping back under the covers. 

Wow, my bed is soft as fuck tonight. Must be the bed sheets or something, I just washed them. But wow this detergent smells different; good different. I like it. You thought as you snuggled into the ridiculously plush pillow that smelled so deliciously robust. 

Now

You finally caught up with last night’s events, shouting out in glee that you indeed didn’t sleep with Changkyun last night. You were relieved, not knowing how you’d be able to handle having drunk sex with him.

“I mean, I remember leaving you here to sleep off what you drank but, if I had known you were waiting for me naked, I would’ve never left for some shitty truth or dare. All I got was Jooheon’s ass cheeks being shown to the world and some nasty ketchup and rum shots.”

“I was most certainly not waiting for you naked!” You immediately shouted, the loud volume making you cringe and rub at your temples, hangover imminent from last night’s bad choices.

“Oh? So do you just get naked in every guy’s bed just for convenience?” He asked, eyebrow shooting up accusingly. 

“No! It’s hard to explain…” You chewed your lip and adjusted so you could sit upright but still cover your body with the sheets you brought down with you. “I was asleep, and I guess I thought I was home and when it’s hot I just… sleep in the nude.”

Changkyun laughed–outright laughed–at that, making you scowl at him.

“Oh baby that’s so cute, don’t worry, I feel you. Though I’d rather feel you, but I get what you’re saying. I do the same. Which is why I’m only in my underwear.” Changkyun gestured to his nude chest; you hadn’t noticed his lack of attire since you were so concerned over your own.

Trying to keep your curious eyes from peeking at his body, you shuffled in place on the floor, not knowing where to go from here.

“Oh come on, you know you want it sweetheart.” He sweet talked, his voice a gravelly reminder of the fact that it was still probably morning.

You scoffed at his comment, trying to shake your head as confidently as you could.

(It was more in order to convince yourself but he didn’t need to know that.)

“I most certainly do not.” 

He breathily laughed and gave you a once over before slyly responding, “Is that so? Then why are you flashing me right now?”

You snapped your head down to find that the covers had slipped off your shoulder and exposed your left breast to him, leaving nothing to the imagination. You yelped and hurried to cover yourself up once more, hoping you had decently covered the remaining parts of your body, desperately salvaging whatever sanity and dignity you could still muster up. 

Your face felt hot but you couldn’t help but get aroused at the idea of spending time in bed with Changkyun. You blamed your inconsistent feelings about him, your inability to see his flaws yet the innate acute sharpness you had laser focused on him that unfortunately magnetized his charms which in turn only made you infatuation for him swell up even further.

“You’re actually thinking about it!” Changkyun exclaimed, making you jerk out of your thoughts. You shook your head violently and tried to mimic the motion with your palms but it wasn’t visible due to your hands being under the sheets. 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to convince Changkyun, if the smirk he had plastered on his face was anything to go by. 

“It’s just you and I tonight, baby. I was thinking we could have a little fun.” Changkyun boldly reached a hand out, a silent request that if you accepted it, it’d also mean you accept his proposition. 

Torn as can be, you tried to think negative thoughts, about the attention he was trying to get himself from yet another partner. But all your mind could conjure up was how fucking boyfriend he looked and how your friends were practically begging you to get laid already, better if it was with him so your damn feelings could get sorted out already.

Internally cursing at both your mind and your body, you decided it was time to stop holding back from what you wanted. Throwing the sheets off you (read: having a fight with the damn thing because it got tangled in between your limbs and the struggle of figuring out where to step and duck in order to escape the fabric prison ended up taking two sets of hands), you finally bare all in front of your kind-of-sorta-crush.

He was standing in front of you, hands still on your shoulders from helping you before. Not even trying to conceal that he was checking you out from head to toe, all you heard was a whispered rasp, “Perfect,” before you were suddenly being tugged into a passionate kiss with Changkyun.

As passionate as it could be for the first few seconds where surprise made you seal your lips shut before your mind caught up with the situation and you finally loosened up, feeling the tension leave your body, making it sag contentedly against Changkyun’s own firm one. 

He hummed into your mouth, as he brought his tongue into the mix as you felt his hands slip down from your shoulders. One stayed locked on the small of your back, soft pads caressing along the knobs at the base of your spine where your tailbone began. The other was more insistent, cupping an ass cheek and forcing you to squeak and inch closer as he tightened his grip. 

“Where do you want it?” He murmured against your lips once more, the deep baritone rumbling past, making you feel it deep in your stomach until it vibrated out into your bones. An involuntary shiver wracked your body as you considered his query; you surveyed your surroundings once he gave you room to breathe. 

He dove down to suckle lightly against your neck, coming up once or twice to nibble at your earlobe as you pondered. 

There was his desk, which was too neatly organized to the point that your mind wanted you to wreck and ruin it all into a disarray. Then there was his bed, which still looked plush and cozy; a perfect rendition of your dream of soft and loving morning sex - which usually featured Changkyun anyways, much to your chagrin.

But he also had a very tempting open space between his door and a set of bookshelves, perfect for Changkyun to fuck you up against; preferably from behind. 

Decisions, decisions… You thought, as Changkyun found the hollow of your throat and sucked hard, making you jerk and moan without having a chance to suppress them.

He looked up at you, smiling at your reaction while you had your hand covering your mouth in embarrassment.

“That’s okay baby, I wanna hear you. Especially when you say my name from those pretty lips of yours.” He trailed with a wink, that should’ve been classified as cheesy to the point of making you lactose intolerant but instead it made you whimper past the seam of your lips.

“Don’t hold back. Please,” Changkyun whispered, the sound barely registering in your ears because of how low and lulling it was. It made you want to lie your head down and just wallow in it; drown the day away in the heavy cream that swallowed you in.

“Bed.” Was all you could whisper back, your voice betraying your ability to speak. Changkyun didn’t comment on it, simply pushing you towards the mattress, careful not to hurt you as he gingerly set you down. He gestured for you to make yourself comfortable up by the headboard, where the plush pillows lay, seemingly untouched despite the fact that the two of you slept here. 

He still stood at the foot of the bed, half lidded eyes grazing along every curve and dip in your body as you situated yourself.  You swore you had heard him whisper something along the lines of “anything for you, princess” but you shook the thought out when his lips met your ankle. 

His eyes didn’t leave yours unless it was to blink, slowly and gracefully like he was underwater. His lips trailed up in wet pecks all up your legs, slowly working his way up in-between. Every peck felt like it was searing your skin; you were sure if you looked down you’d see dark scorch marks in the shape of his lips all along your inner thighs.

He stopped to bite lasciviously at the meat of your thigh, just short of your dripping desire. Back arching in a tight bow, you couldn’t help as your body reacted to his short proximity to where you needed him most. 

Not only were all your feelings about Changkyun resurfacing in a million spine-tingling ways, but you also had you incessant sexual frustration knocking at your bones. It only made you even more hypersensitive to his touches; every one of his ministrations making your heart stutter inside your rib cage. 

“Changkyun… please, I don’t think I’ll last long if you keep this up.” You basically whimpered, unable to meet his piercing gaze that you literally felt boring into your skull. You knew he was probably smirking again, cocky that he’d reduced to such a mindless puddle of need and want.

But all you received was a hurried okay against your lips as he kissed you once more before he reached for the pristine white nightstand that was snug against his bed frame, opening the drawer and pulling out a foil packet. 

Changkyun continued to kiss you longingly as his fingers dipped down to your core, teasingly testing the waters a few times before you practically whined against him and squirmed, making him finally breach you with a single digit.

The intrusion was welcomed, though it wasn’t enough.

You cried your thoughts to him, hoping he’d take care of you soon. Changkyun caught on quickly and inserted another finger, appreciating how eager you were but also mindful of prepping you properly.

Once he had fingered you to a sufficient pace that had you grinding down on his hand for more, he deemed it was enough and removed his hand. The emptiness that followed made you burn a little at the edges but it wasn’t long before Changkyun was tossing his underwear into a dark corner of the room, leaving you to sit up on your forearms to watch as Changkyun pumped himself to full hardness as he other hand caressed your thigh.

He licked his lips and finally tore open the condom packet, slipping it on a little more precariously than you thought he would. He was most likely already fairly riled up as well, especially since most guys wake up with morning wood and probably not that great of a stamina record.

He positioned the head of his cock at your entrance, the blunt tip making you drop back and lay amongst the pillows. He hovered over you, heavy breath panting against you as he had his eyes tightly shut.

You wanted to ease the tension, to soothe the furrows that were in between in his brows and kiss the creases away. So you gently let your hands hold his face, a shuddering breath leaving his lips as he finally entered you.

 The stretch was hot, delicious even; but your focus was on Changkyun.

He was clearly holding back, why you weren’t exactly sure. But you wanted him to enjoy this, just as much as you had anticipated it.

“C-Changkyun… please,” You weren’t sure what you were begging for but your choice of words were clearly enough to get across to him; as he let his head drop down by your neck and he finally bottomed out. 

A few breaths were shared between the two of you; hot, heavy and laced with dripping desire. Heady puffs of air later, you shuddered as Changkyun pulled back slightly, allowing his length to stretch you out even further as he went back from where he entered. 

Not realizing that he was already almost completely out, his length slipped from inside you and on his following thrust, he instead grinded it against your slick folds. The sensation, while pleasurable, was unexpected.

You giggled at the fact that his trajectory wasn’t very sharp and Changkyun joined you, soft chuckles against the skin of your neck.

“Sorry baby,’ His deep and sex-rasped voice drawled, “got a little distracted.” He murmured as he re-entered you, the feeling mirroring when he had first time. It was nothing short of spectacular, colors blooming in succession with every inch he pushed deeper in you.

This time, Changkyun kept his hand around the base of his cock, sure to keep inside as he started a rhythm. It was hard, making you slip up his bed a little more with each thrust until the top of your scalp was grazing the wooden headboard.

“As nice as this is, fuck, can I please maintain being un-concussed?” You gasped as he continued to fuck into you with earnest. He realized how your position was leaving you victim to being beaten against the frame of his bed and he laughed. 

Despite the obvious tension and undying need to fuck like two rabbits, the air in the room was nothing but carefree, weightless as you two still managed to laugh and speak freely while in the throes of passion.

Deciding to spare your head and its overall safety, he gingerly picked you up from under your back, the touch electrifying and making you arch up more into a bow as his grip secured right on the backs of your pelvic bone. As he lifted you, he leaned back slowly until you were situation all the way down on him, your ass square on the tops of his thighs. 

The sudden deepness of him inside you knocked your breath out, forcing you to steel yourself for a few more moments. Changkyun seemed to understand as he peppered dry kisses along your collarbones and shoulders, finding a few places to sink his teeth into to gnaw softly at the skin there. Finally, when you seemed to catch your breath just enough to prepare for him, you lifted up and ground your hips back down.

The motion caught Changkyun by surprise, his audible gasp ghosting over where he had just bit you. He groaned low from his throat as you continued to slowly fuck yourself on his length, using your hands as an anchor against his chest. His breaths come out in shudders; static and choppy while his own hands find purchase on your hips, grip making his knuckles turn white and more than likely going to leave bruises marring the pretty skin there.

“Baby… I need more, I want to come soon.” He nearly whimpered as he threw his head back at a particular rough drop of your body against his, the resonating slap of skin against skin ringing loudly in the otherwise silent bedroom, save for the analog clock that was fixed on the wall.

You nodded, silently trying to acknowledge what he was asking of you but your body wouldn’t agree with what you were trying to do. Your legs felt sore and you were too fucked out to properly ride him how he wanted.

Luckily, Changkyun was able to figure out that you need a little help so he took matters in his own hands. Or hips, that is. He braced his feet on the mattress and began to buck up into you, fucking you with more fervor than you could ride him. The hard thrusts made you see stars, his cock hitting you deeper with each uptick of his hips. It made you jump and jerk in his grip, his fingers faltering against your body as the sweat built up from both his hands and your hips as the exertion began to show along the expanse of your skin. 

You could tell he was close by how sloppy his thrust were becoming, the tight coil inside him unraveling quickly as you clenched your walls around him. He kissed you breathless, mouth hovering between kisses to pant against your lips. You squeaked and whimpered and moaned as he found a sweet spot deep inside you, your orgasm on the brink as well.

It was sudden, a sharp spark that made your throat dry and raw simultaneously while your insides grew hot, tight and soaked.

The sudden rush of tingling nerves in your core made a vice-grip around Changkyun’s cock, forcing him to shorten his thrusts as he pounded into you harder than before, no doubt chasing his own high.

He bit down on the juncture of your shoulder, the act making you grow even tighter around him, the feeling making sensations of sweets and sours crawl all along Changkyun’s bones. He finally reached his orgasm as he buried himself all the way to the hilt, filling the condom with his release as one of his hands flew to your shoulder to force you down even further on him, if that was even possible. His hand held you in place, as far as you could go down on him as he managed to roll his hips up, making the head of his cock brush against the very precipice of your sanity. 

He rode out his climax slowly, feeling like he had all day to come deep inside you. The motions were blurred, slowly blending together as he managed to pull out, kiss you stupid and lay you down against his still too-plush bed within what felt like hours but were most likely seconds apart.

You swore he was speaking but all you felt was the dragging hands of sleep on your eyelids, drowsiness coming back twice as hard as it did last night. It was something that came easy to you, sleeping that is.

Changkyun chuckled and murmured sweet nothings against your sweaty neck while you drifted off, his voice becoming like a droning lullaby meant to placate even the most active of minds. 

You awoke to a note, medicine and a glass of water; Changkyun nowhere to be seen.

The note read:

‘Baby girl, I had to go to class but I should be back by 4:30,’

The time stamp made you look up to the clock that sounded far too loud to be comfortable, realizing you had already slept half the morning away and missed your early Economics class. 

‘Feel free to have anything out of the fridge, just make sure to drink the medicine first to help with the hangover if it’s still bothering you. Be ready, I plan on another round when I get home. ;)’

You giggled at his scrawl, the adorably cheesy winky face at the end making your heart hang at the edges of your lungs. You practically heard his voice reading the note out to you, and suddenly your heart was racing like a middle schooler on their first date. Feeling the warmth spread through your bones and down to your toes, a small amount pooled in the middle at the visuals you began to brew up for when Changkyun returned. 

Maybe you would get to ruin that neat little desk of his after all.

request a drabble to celebrate 1k!

[kendrixtermina]

I had another dream with my father in it

I haven’t had one in MONTHS WTF I thought I was over it

So thing I is I used to get these dreams where my father humiliates me, be it by yelling or by telling lies to my family members. Like I always had these various dreams where he would just turn everybody against me.

There were a few times in my teens where I got home & everyone acted angry with me for no reason & then turns out he’d accused me of some exxagerated or made-up offense, everything I did or said would be twisted into a personal insult he was donald trump levels of a petty toddler I tell ya. I’d be sad & angry because of his constant insults (and just don’t have a socially perceptive personality like, fuck you this is my normal face!) & then he’d be deathly insulted that I didn’t smile at or greet him & throw a big tantrum that affected the whole family.

He was the sort who would explode at us children to get back at my mom, & would be cruel to my mom & siblings when he was angry at me. 

ARGH I was supposed to see my councellor yesterday but he had to bail (presumably got sick or something) & now I really wish I could talk to him

The sad thing is it wasn’t even most of the dream and the rest of it was actually pretty cool. 

 I was driving home in a videogameih formular one car that also flew & there were also some flying boats and it was surprisingly fun like I’d hit a pedal and fly. I don’t remember the event I was driving home from but it was evidently cool as I remember texting my family about how cool it was  but it was not the usual whatsApp it had a purple background & a different system of colorful nametags with ‘@’s.. pretty much functionally whats App though.Possibly a concert I just knew I traveled far.

On the way, I stopped near a church/castle being and looked down a cliff, and there was this mountain with church like carvings & I wasn’t sure which side is up but you could see this wall or ground full of buildings & carvings all in gothic style like some really cool trippy stuff /“Giant Building” thing like my bes dreams sometimes have and I basically looked at it & was impressed.

On the way home, I considered contining to watch this show I’d been watching with my BF or doing so the next day (I actually may do that tomorrow, great idea dream self) and there were some themed mythical-ish visuals related & then I reached our bed (somehow a mix of our current bed and my old one at my mom’s attic) So far the dream was emotionally neutral or even fun/cool. 

Then, I hear the door open, assuming it’s my BF buz it’s actually my parents, with my mom feebly trying to get him not to rage & he’s his usually angry redfaced gorilla self. He just barges in as if it’s my teenage room jut the same casual disregard four boundaries or privacy as ever just flauntingly invading my space with a loud slam of the door, & when I ask what he’s doing here he shoves a phone into my face and going “How dare you text everybody except me!”, like one of his usual petty things where he’d contruct lack of overt enthusiasm into me “insulting/snubbing” him & throw a toddler tantrum over it / told exaggerated lies to my folks, & he was just yelling & raging & insulting & shaming me like he usually does... and that was enough of a shock to wake me up like I realize it doesn’t sound like much but in the dream it was somewhat chilling. 

Like when you look at it with a sober waking mind its really silly,  man coming into my & my boyfriends’s flat to complain at me, it’s not objectively scary, but it threw me or a loop like, when some setback happens I guess I sometimes get this thought where I wonder if I’ve really improved at all or if I wouln’t have been better off staying in my mother’s attick where I can’t screw anything up.... I mean even now I can tell how I don’t even think like that anymore in day to day life. 

Maybe it’s for a harmless reason, like Church/Old Castles reminding me of Hospitals (He’s a surgeon) & then I got the thought that someone was gonna see him & tell me where I was. Maybe my consciousness just stumbled into an old unrenovated brain loop & now I feel like I might fall back into doubting everything again

Or maybe because my bae and I were discussing a shitty manipulative friend of his that gor herself in trouble & we were discussing how to damage control without being caught up in the falout & her behaviors were like ugh... & she said some things that were brazenly arrogant maybe that reminded me of my father. He’s very aware that shes got a bad character but being a good & conscientious person he wants to help her, but I kinda feel she’s not really interested in changing & just taking advantage of his sense of responsibility...

UGH. I need to do my meditation, that’s what I need. I took this nap because I tried earlier & was too tired & now this happened. Like it’s not like im seriously upset but its just enough of a little spiky pebble in my mood. Why is that bastard still lurking in my subconscious or whatever I want him out of there. It’s like he’s lurking there like some bizarre anti-policeman,  “no hapiness allowed, don’t you dare be happy or else if there’s any unauthorized happiness in your life I will hurt you & take away everything you like”. Like he literally said many times that I was ruining his lie & not allowed to have anything I like. Like, it hurts. Its hurts damnit, and I haven’t even spoken to the bastard in years... 

I don’t know what this is trying to tell me. I have indeed never texted him or otherwise communicated with him & its been great like, without him to triangulate everything I get much more enjoyment out of my mom & siblings like we actually get along better since I moved out. Dear subconscious f you have any guilt about that you better stop because it doesn’t remotely logic. I deserve good things as much as the next person thank you very much! UGH stay out of my naps bastard. 

UGH now that the shit is vented lets consult some relaxing youtube music to purge it, how about 20 minutes of  “ultimate chillout”?