#questioning if i might be aromantic or not

[caughtthedarkness93]

There are still times when I feel incredibly insecure about whether or not I belong in the queer community.

But logically? I absolutely do.

Being asexual, even though I'm not aromantic and I'm a cis guy who dates women, has had a profound on the way I experience my identity. Masculinity is so defined by sexuality and that's not a part of who I am and it's always isolated me from other men. I basically had to define what it meant to be a man myself, disconnected from how a lot of my friends or peers viewed it, because the way that society viewed it just...wasn't right for me.

Is that not a queer experience?

I spent years wondering why I felt so different from everyone around me, alternated wildly between several extremes. At times, I felt like something in me was broken. At times I felt like I was the only person in the world who was sane. When someone first suggested I might be ace, I spent resisting what seemed obvious because of imposter syndrome. When I finally accepted it, there was a kind of euphoria to it. It felt like so many questions I'd had with me my whole life had been answered.

Is that not a queer experience?

That fear and hesitation I have every time I choose to open up about it with someone new, that calculation I do - is this a safe person? And before anyone scoffs at the idea that anyone would be nasty towards me for being ace, I've had some pretty nasty things lobbed at me. Hell, one of the worst ones is pity. People outright feel sorry for me sometimes even though I'm honestly quite happy with how I am. People look at the way I'm living and decide that there's something wrong with it even though I like it quite a bit.

Is that, unfortunately, not a queer experience?

If you actually asked the people you're excluding about their experiences, you'd probably hear stories that sound pretty familiar.

does anyone else remember when peoples talking point against asexuality being a queer identity was to make up a cisgender heterosexual but aromantic man who wanted to get in to all the lgbt society meetings or was that just an embarrassing thing people i knew did

[certifiedsexed]

Hello!

Can you explain what aromantic means?

I know asexuality is not being sexually attracted to other people, and that explanation is easy for me to like, comprehend, I guess? I know what sexual attraction is and what it feels like, so it's easy for me to understand.

So being aromantic would mean not being romantically attracted to other people, then? I think? But I'm not sure what exactly that means.

Whenever I think of "romantic" things I think about going on dates, holding hands, flirting, etc. and I guess I'm just not understanding how not being into those things is a sexuality?

Like, not wanting to go on a date or hold hands just sounds like a normal dislike or preference, the same way someone might not not want to watch horror movies or go skydiving.

Or am I totally misunderstanding what the "romantic" in aromantic means?

Hello!

Sure! Aromantic means someone who experiences low/varied romantic attraction to other people. It's not a "sexuality" in the same sense as homosexuality for example, but it's definitely a variation on romantic attraction, which is linked to general sexuality.

Romantic attraction is about being attracted to someone(s) in a romantic way [e.g. wanting to be in a romantic relationship with them, wanting to do things with them with a romantic intent, etc], not just about doing things people consider "romantic".

I think it can be harder to understand romantic attraction because romance doesn't have an obvious physical component or even an obvious social definition. Which makes it harder to explain what a lack of romantic attraction is.

But those things are regular preferences, you're right! But all sexualities are about normal dislikes and/or preferences. A girl dislikes dating boys, prefers dating other girls-that's a lesbian!

Someone isn't attracted to others sexually-that's an asexual! Someone is attracted to all genders, that's a bisexual! Someone isn't into people romantically-That's an aromantic.

I don't think you've exactly misunderstood. I think there's more to it than you've understood but I think you're on the right track, Anon.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions. <3

[buddieinmybeddie]

LGBTQ+ folk what was your gender/sexuality pipeline?

[neverquiteeden]

Sensual attraction got me questioning my entire life rn (could also have used the "is this a pigeon?" meme but oh well)

[aro-culture-is]

aro + neurodivergent culture is feeling like "am I really aro or is this another nd thing or is it just both..."

.

[bitchliteraria1906]

Someone: What's your sexuality?

Me: well you see, I never had a serious crush on anyone. Also, I had trouble understanding what a crush even was for most of my life. Also, I identified as aroallo for a while because I thought I was aro but not ace, but now I think I'm ace too. Also, fictional crushes. Also, I enjoy learning and reading/sometimes even writing about kink but have no idea if I would be comfortable actually participating on it. Also, some days I'm perfectly happy like this but other days are still confusing and shitty because it's all still new to me. Also-

[steakout-05]

queer people will think they have a strong identity set in stone based on their past experiences and feelings and then years later have its entire foundation blasted away as soon as they think about it from a different perspective for a minimum of 5 seconds and then start questioning their entire identity again

it's me. i'm queer people. i think i just realised my identity as a demiromantic person is actually demi-queerplatonic or even some sort of demi-alterous thing instead and what i felt before wasn't actually romance and now i'm really confused about it. chat wtf is going on

[bloomshroomz]

Aromantic*

(Alternate Title: Shrödinger’s Romantic)

I keep wondering if “aromantic” is really a good word to describe my romantic orientation. I have plenty of reasons for why it is, but also plenty of reasons for why it might not be. Shrödinger’s romantic.

In order to know whether you experience romantic attraction or not, you first have to have a solid definition of what romantic attraction is. A definition which is clear, and also distinct from other forms of emotional attraction. I don’t think such a definition exists, or at least, it’s not commonplace.

“Romantic attraction: attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.” - UNC Chapel Hill LGBT Center

But what is romantic contact or interaction? Is it contact which is culturally considered romantic? In that case, the ways in which romantic attraction is defined would vary by culture, and even by gender. Or is it contact which one intends to be romantic? That would make sense, but is incredibly subjective. How do you know where to draw the line? What if you haven’t drawn one?

“[Romantic attraction] involves a combination of physical, sexual, and emotional feelings toward someone.” - WebMD

This definition is ridiculously vague, especially for a page which defines multiple other types of attraction in relation to romance. What physical feelings? What sexual feelings? What emotional feelings? What about alloromantic asexual people, or other varioriented people, who don’t necessarily experience sexual feelings as part of their romantic feelings?

But the article also defines aromanticism as “when you don’t have any desire for a romantic relationship,” so I can’t count on it for accuracy regardless.

“Romantic attraction is the internal pull that you experience when you are with someone with whom you internally feel connected, comfortable and interested in spending more of your life with.” - Choosing Therapy

Do people not feel connected to their friends? Do people not feel comfortable with their friends? Are people not interested in spending more of their life with their friends? Why else would people find time to connect with their friends, to confide in them, to engage with them? What about these feelings is distinctly romantic?

The article goes on to say this:

“Romantic relationships are relationships intentionally initiated and maintained for experiencing sexual and romantic feelings together, whereas platonic relationships are usually centered on another purpose like hobbies, friendship, support, work, etc. Romantic relationships can also include these purposes as well, but the platonic relationship excludes the romance and sexual feelings.” - Choosing Therapy

I ask again, what about alloaces and other varioriented people? What about people who have sex with their friends? Even when it’s taboo, it’s not unheard of. The distinction can’t be sex, so it has to be romance. So, what is romance?

Later in the article, it defines romance once again:

“Romantic attraction: The internal pull that draws your attention to the other person’s positive qualities, and your internal reaction to connect, love, share and spend time with them to have more romance.” - Choosing Therapy

I feel like I’m running in circles here. People draw their attention to the positive qualities of not just romantic interests, but to friends, family, and other people with whom they’d have no romantic interest. Connection, love, and spent time are not exclusive to romance either. If the goal is to have more romance… What is that?

Every answer I find fails to say what romance is on its own. The definitions always rely on presence or absence of sex, or other things which can just as easily be present in platonic or otherwise non-romantic contexts. Romantic attraction is consistently defined by things which are not distinctly romantic.

Is it even a real thing? I mean, I feel like it’s clearly not, but it’s also clearly very real to most people. Most people don’t think about it this hard. It’s like they were given a manual that I can never possess. It comes naturally to them. They feel romantic attraction, and they know, intuitively, that that’s what it is.

Is my lack of intuition evidence that I don’t experience romantic attraction, or am I just autistic? Maybe it’s both. When I described to my aunts my emotional attraction, they described my way of experiencing and perceiving attraction as very “intellectual,” which I initially rejected. But I think they were right. I lack the intuition to understand my feelings in any way that doesn’t involve a literal or metaphorical chart. It’s something I can’t just feel and then know like other people do.

Is romantic attraction always a “you’ll know it when you feel it” sort of thing? It seems like it. Even when I search “romantic attraction” on Google, many results either come from queer Fandom Wiki pages, discussions amongst a-spec people, Reddit, or Quora. Some results aren’t even relevant to the question, including multiple results which just describe what “aromantic” means. The opposite of what I intended to search for.

The thing is, I do have feelings which would likely be perceived as romantic to most people. I have a deep desire for commitment and companionship. To touch and be touched. To love and be loved. To be emotionally and physically intimate with other people. To feel the warmth of other people as we lay in bed together. To live out our mundane lives together. Things that most people would find incredibly romantic.

But are these things romantic if I don’t explicitly intend for them to be? Is it romantic for me to be open to it being romantic, without actively wanting that?

When I’ve described my feelings online, I’ve gotten mixed responses from other people, but I’ve generally been given similar advice from different strangers, and similar labels thrown at me, even when I hadn’t asked for advice or labels.

“I think you’d enjoy a queerplatonic relationship.”

“You might be cupioromantic.”

“You might be bellusromantic.”

And I can understand where they’re coming from. I don’t think they’re entirely wrong, either. I would enjoy a queerplatonic relationship… But not for any reason that wouldn’t apply to other committed relationship types. Queerplatonic relationships, platonic relationships, romantic relationships, and whatever else there is are the same to me in all but label.

Cupioromanticism is something I have considered. I made the flag for it when I was 15 years old as well (yes, the peach one with five stripes; I always asked to be credited anonymously), so I’m biased towards liking the flag. But the definition is “being aromantic, and also wanting a romantic relationship.”

I don’t specifically want a romantic relationship, but I do want committed relationships in general, and romantic relationships are included in that. So, maybe?

Bellusromantic is something I have also considered, and it also has a pretty flag. But I think it’s less accurate than cupioromantic. The definition is “being aromantic, and enjoying traditionally romantic things, but not wanting a romantic relationship (or not wanting a committed relationship, depending on the definition used).”

I do enjoy traditionally romantic things in a way which is not explicitly romantic, and I don’t explicitly want a romantic relationship. But I’m not opposed to romantic relationships, and I do explicitly want committed relationships.

I took some aro-spec tests, and my results had a tendency to skew towards cupioromantic, bellusromantic, and quoiromantic. Quoiromantic is another orientation which I have considered, and it might be the most accurate.

Quoiromantic is also aptly known as “whatromantic” or “WTFromantic” because the defining trait is that romantic attraction as a concept doesn’t make sense to you.

“[Quoiromantic], also known as [whatromantic] or [WTFromantic], is a [romantic] orientation defined by confusion, vagueness, and/or obscurity. A [quoiromantic] person may not understand or relate to the concepts of [romantic] attraction and/or [romantic] orientation. [Quoiromanticism] may involve confusion related to what [romance] is, whether or not one experiences [romantic attraction], and how to differentiate it from other forms of attraction. [Quoiromanticism] can also feel blurry and unclear, and may center around general confusion around one's identity and attraction. It can also refer to a lack of identification with [romantic] orientation as a concept, and can additionally serve as a label for people who cannot fit into more specific identities. [Quoiromanticism] can also refer to when one does not experience [romantic] attraction in a "traditional" manner. It is sometimes used as a catch-all term for people who know they're somewhere on the [aromantic] spectrum, but aren't sure where.” - An LGBTQIA+ Wiki (originally about quoisexuality; I changed some words.)

In a similar vein, pomoromantic (“pomo” being literally taken from “postmodern”) would also fit. My romantic orientation exists from a post-romantic perspective, where romance is understood to be made up bogus which isn’t actually fundamentally different from any other form of emotional connection.

“[Pomoromanticism] is defined as refusing, avoiding, or not fitting any [romantic] orientation label in terms of conventional labels or classifications, such as gay, lesbian, [biromantic], or [aromantic]. It challenges categorizations in favor of largely unmapped possibility and the intense charge that comes with transgression. Some [pomoromantic] people may be queer or questioning, and others may not be.” - Another LGBTQIA+ Wiki (originally about pomosexuality; I changed some words.)

But at that point, is it even worth labeling my romantic orientation? Should I just be bisexual/omnisexual? Maybe with a little asterisk at the end? Does any of this matter? Am I thinking too much? (I am.)

I think that continuing to identify as aromantic will probably close me off to potential relationships. I feel like the word gives people the wrong idea. At the same time, the way that I think about romance is fundamentally different than the way other people tend to, and I do consider my aromanticism to be a notable part of who I am and how I experience the world. Maybe I should just send this to whoever ends up being a potential partner. Probably more useful than any label.

[firewolf111]

So I doubt anyone is going to see this, but on the off chance someone does, I could use some help.

So a question to the aromantics and/or asexuals. How do I tell my girlfriend of 2 years that I think I may be aroace but still want to be in a relationship with (although in a slightly different way)?

Like I've tried to tell her I'm asexual, but I don't think I was direct enough. And I am way too terrified to bring up the fact I may be aromantic.

Not to mention, how do you know if you're aromantic?

Like I'm freaking out, and could use some advice from someone who is experienced with this.

Plz help.

[jan-pi-suli-ala]

guys i don’t usually post queer stuff. well i don’t plan on it. well i don’t plan on it being a main thing. well i don’t plan on it being the biggest thing. well i don’t plan on anything else being the biggest thing either. we-

[kankalinkisasszony]

What is love? What is romantic attraction? How does it feel like? How am I supposed to know? Am I just too young? Too... rational? Will I know it's love when it really is? And if I won't? What if I'm here, just "pretending" to be aromantic, but I'm actually just ignorant, and refuse to act on my feelings? Does it make me less aromantic that I wouldn't say no if certain people confessed their love to me? Where is the line between platonic and romantic?

Man, it's so hard to be a teenager.

(At least the hardest I have experienced so far)

[alloarboreal]

Fuck it, I have some free time so I'm gonna run my allo aro survey again to see what's changed over the last few years - if you have any questions you'd be interested in seeing as part of the survey, let me know!

[kiwisandpearls]

swinging a bat at a hornet’s nest but I really need to exorcise these demons from my brain:

I genuinely want to understand where people who say the pansexual label is biphobic are coming from. I do. I do want to understand why some people so are critical of the pansexual label. But at the same time I just…I don’t know, I don’t think a person choosing to use the pansexual label over the bisexual label is them being inherently biphobic.

and there’s also the fact that to me this discourse seems…kind of pointless. Like I don’t wanna call it infighting but at a point it does genuinely feel like infighting in the queer community.

I don’t know, maybe I can get humbled or educated, I’m genuinely cool with that here, but I just…this feels kind of pointless.

[neverquiteeden]

"do you intellectualise your feelings" i just opened 19 tabs to try to figure out if i'm feeling attraction or not and what type

[necrotic-nephilim]

your Kon post was sooooo good, like yes the core four are queer platonic, however Kon is hypersexual enough to have made out with (or more) everyone in young justice at least once, yes, including the non-corporal Greta don’t ask me how that worked

I love all of these posts!!! how many of these ask game things do you have in your inbox??

thank you so much!! and i ABSOLUTELY agree with you on hypersexual Kon (truly i just adore characters with grooming/rape trauma like Kon coping through the lense of hypersexuality) and even if YJ is queerplatonic, Kon has made his way through most of them. including Greta. he's creative he'd find a way. probably involving TTK. bc TTK in sex is a thought i have daily. endless potential for using it to basically turn someone's body into a living fleshlight he can manipulate from the inside out- specifically have a TimKonBart idea in my head about that where Kon coaches Bart through sex, since Bart is a speedster with a bonkers refractory period who struggles to feel satisfied, and Tim is caught between them getting used to get Bart off with Kon using TTK to manipulate Tim's body. fun times. fun ideas.

currently, i have one more ask game ask in my inbox (tho always feel free to send more!) that's BruJay focused. though i *do* also have a couple other asks that are just ideas i pan to use as prompts for full fics. just haven't gotten to those yet bc i'm currently busy with packing to move states so. i have *not* had the time to write i wish i had. i will not reveal too much but one involves JayTim fucking during the Titans Tower incident, another is JayTim with animal traits leading to porn, and then another is Tim/Kon/Jon with incest kink stuff. so! i have many things planned, i just need to settle into my new place, however long that takes.

[theautotrophic]

Am I a-spec or did I just have such horrible social anxiety throughout my entire life that I never knew enough people to figure out if I'm attracted to someone or to allow myself to feel attracted to someone :,)