#persistent demand avoidance

[oliverite]

Not being able to respond to someone’s text because it feels like a demand but being too afraid to make them upset so I just freeze until I forget about it

[adhddbt]

Quite an ambitious agenda. But I've found that having one encourages me to get about twice as much (or more) done as I would have. Even if I only get through like 1/4 of the list. This goes well with other tools or tricks:

15 min. timer: Do something I've been putting off for 15 min. (Or 5.)

Body doubling: Have someone there during a task session or talk to someone on the phone.

No trick, but of course it's OK to switch these up or replace them as I like.

I alternate between things I'll like/ things really only "for me" vs things that feel more like obligations/ boring stuff. I call this sandwiching.

I feel like there's something still missing from this system. Added pressure, which is tricky. It has to be the right kind of pressure. Like one deadline for the first half, but how do I make that deadline real to my brain? And separately, have a reward if I get through that first half, and again for the second half.

Yesterday, I even made part of my reward going for a walk to the grocery store/ pharmacy and getting a couple things I wanted (not even treats, really. There was an amazing deal on cheese though. So...)

[autism-affirmations]

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

10 Signs of 'Pathological Demand Avoidance (AKA Persistent Drive for Autonomy)

Neurodivergent_lou

[surrah698]

My sassy PDA be like...

[anxietyfrappuccino]

aspec positivity: being aro/ace is great because it gives you so much more time to work on other things!

constantly fatigued little ol neurodivergent me: what the fuck is time

[angelinasnotebooks]

Hate that my form of hyperfixation is consuming and not creating.

I think I've been falling in love with ideas my whole life. I see colors and concepts and characters, and I want every part of the illusion to play around my body and immerse my mind and soul. I thought growing up I would be an artist. When that mentally shattered, I moved on to thinking I would become an author. Now, however, I don't know what or who I'll be. All I know is that my brain never stops coming up with ideas. 

Yet, with all these ideas comes the possibility of creation. It's what I want, isn't it? I want to create these pictures and stories and share them with the world. So, why am I motionless in my pursuit to bring my mind to life? I have a library in my head. There's a girl in there. Her favorite color is blue. She doesn't know if life is worth living. I have an art museum there too. There's a portrait of a dying renegade, and a demon alter ego desiring joy. Then there's the realm of fandoms. The endless multiverse of continuations and alternatives.  

There's a lot going on inside my brain and imagination. Chemicals I do not understand and signals I cannot control. An abundance of beauty only an individual can conjure with their subjectivity. With no outlet for these thoughts and images, I find it all to be too much at times. Wings heavy on my back and flightless under the pressure. The ability to soar is there, but the weight within is burdensome.  

Every day I come up with something new. Some ideas are fresh while others are another line on the loom, but that is all they are. Thoughts. Ideas. Invisible whisps, webs, and wishes. It's as if the only part of my frontal lobe that works is that of imagination and complex thinking. I attempt short stories, painting, studying, chores, school projects, craft projects and I never get them done. Planning, time management, logical reasoning, and decision-making have all taken a backseat. I can't get any of them done, so I turn to what has already been done. 

I rewatch a favorite show. I read another fanfic. I click on a YouTube video and another. I scroll Tumblr. I read character analysis. I try on the clothes in my closet. I add shit to my wish list. I post photos from two months ago on my Instagram. I relate to autistic ADHD tiktokers. I pretend Pinterest will help me get my life together. I think about the MCU. I watch another comfort, crime, haunted, mythical series. I visit my AO3 bookmarks. I doom scroll whatever app I can get my eyes on. I turn thirteen again and either spiral into a depressive state or become infatuated with the Hunger Games--again.

The point is, I can't force my brain to work on the original ideas. Sitting at a desk with supplies doesn't get my hands moving. I fall numb waiting for my body and mind to comply with my intentions. So, I end up here again. Hitting a heart button to let other people know that their commentary and hard work have reached me, and I liked it.  

I don’t want all my ideas and universes to end where they are. I don’t want to minimize or invalidate my existence, or the experiences of others like me, by remaining artistically stagnant. I want my mind to be a visual tangible galaxy free to be roamed and explored. I want to have my heart in my hands, and I want to give it to every single person that I can. I want these thoughts, these precious ideas out of my head and into yours, dear reader. I don't want to consume; I want to create. If I'm going to go down the rabbit hole, I want to be the rabbit. The entrance maker. Not the lost girl I am right now. 

[library-fae]

having pda is so aggravating because it just sounds like you're being pedantic

"oh sorry i can't do that because you told me to do it"

what

"hey you gave me instructions and now im irrationally angry at you"

okay ??

why does this happen to me

[the-mechanica]

my pda every morning: fuck eating breakfast, fuck this stupid body's need for food, fuck my stupid brain for craving sugar, fuck addictive food textures, fuck the stupid food companies putting sugar in everything so much I need to monitor it now, fuck my genetics, fuck my parents for putting me on this earth with the need to eat, fuck this oatmeal I'm sick of this, fuck sodium, fuck saturated fat, fuck my old eating disorder, fuck this I didn't sign up for this

[scarlet97531]

⭕️❗️after touching some grass this weekend I was feeling really good, like I might actually be able to improve my mental health a lot, but this morning my PDA got triggered really badly and now I feel like I never should’ve tried getting out of bed.

Every time I start getting better people immediately start putting pressure on me again and it just sends me spiraling down again.

Does anyone with experience with PDA have advice for how to deal with this? I really want to get better but demands make me want to undo everything I have just to feel like I’m in control of my own life.

[echthr0s]

I think the most interesting thing about using Persistent Drive for Autonomy as an alternate name for pathological demand avoidance is that it highlights the irony -- having a PDA profile ends up restricting one's autonomy more often than not

here's a flowchart. a kitchen task needs doing -> demand avoidance triggered -> kitchen task doesn't get done -> kitchen is dirty and therefore triggering in its own right -> am multiply dysregulated now and am avoiding kitchen -> cannot make foods I like because dirty kitchen that I now really can't do anything about because of all the dysregulation. the main thing taking a hit here IS my autonomy. I feel powerless and trapped in a negative feedback loop, and I am deprived of experiences I would like to have (making a nice meal).

and like, that's a comparatively reasonable response. but fucking explain this shit: I love playing this video game SO MUCH -> oh god. that's too many feels. feels almost... demanding. -> freeze/inertia -> I do not play the video game that I love playing so much. what the fuck, man. why.

I think a persistent drive for autonomy is a factor in PDA (I definitely feel that specific drive when it comes to social rules, for example, but I also think that's just an autism thing in general, so...??), but I don't think it's the whole of the thing. the main feature of PDA is an easily-triggered anxious response, and anxiety is yet another brutal taskmaster that narrows and darkens our lives and makes it difficult to do what we truly wish to do

[rorywritessmut]

How do I get my spouse to understand my PDA?? It’s taken two years for him to understand that I am autistic and things won’t change. Now that I have a PDA profile, which has always existed, he refuses to believe it’s real and it something I can change.

Take today for example:

Him:What Are you doing today?

Me: I’m not telling you my plan because then it’s a demand and I won’t do it.

Him: you really need to grow up and get over this.

Like, I can’t??? I’ve talked to him about PDA and sent him articles but the man, I have to admit, is ableist as hell. He won’t even support me in accommodations because it’s “a crutch.”

[autism-affirmations]

if i am given one more Task i will scream

[vangoghinthehead]

can never be comfortable in this body. emotionally, physically, or mentally.

[aceshigh10987666]

Is autism a disability? Hell yes, it's a disability. It has been the main reason for my disability throughout my life.

But also...

I wouldn't have a raging case of CPTSD if I wasn't autistic. Trauma, yes. An unending and overwhelming experience of unresolved rejection, fearfulness, failure, horror, isolation, regret, loss, shame, and grief? No.

[anxietyfrappuccino]

it took me 47 hours 5 minutes and 33 seconds to complete a written 6 question introduction to me quiz for my current class, this is my normal, they'll tell me to do better, but my better is the fact that i got it done at all