#other things we need to learn supportively.

[solvicrafts]

This is a hard truth that a lot of people don't want to hear, that there needs to be a balance between holding men accountable for their behavior, pointing out injustices that they benefit from, and at the same time encouraging them to learn and grow.

And this goes for any group of people, really, but especially so for young men right now.

I was saying this shit back before the 2016 election and really pissed off a lot of people for daring to argue that we should encourage our allies instead of shaming and alienating them.

"Yes, absolutely, people should support our civil rights because it's the right thing to do, but a lot of people genuinely do not know how much of the world is structured to prop them up at the cost of bringing others down."

I'm going to say something possibly really, really controversial here, especially in the wake of THIS election:

Most people are capable of being empathetic, understanding, and logical, but if you are going to engage with them then you have to have the maturity to commit to reaching them.

At one of the places I worked previously, there was this security guard who worked a few nights at the end of the week who was honestly one of my best friends there. He was a well-educated, very devout Christian man around my father's age, and he was black. For context, I am a young Irish-American liberal Hellenic Polytheist.

We actually got along far better with each other than I did with all of the hippie woo neopagan people I knew there, and he with the Christians there. And that's because we were not only both well educated within our belief systems, we were also really good at meeting in the middle and extending social grace and understanding to each other. We found that our core principles were perfectly aligned, we just didn't always arrive to our conclusions in the same exact ways.

When the pandemic hit in 2020, he was reluctant to get vaccinated, and when we talked about it I was the one person who got through to him. And he told me so. He told me outright, after he got vaccinated, that it was my voice that changed his mind.

I did not do that by shaming him over all of the people he might kill if he caught COVID and spread it. I did not do that by attacking his intellect or scientific literacy. I did not do that by threatening his financial security and pointing out that companies are letting people go for not getting vaccinated.

I did it by acknowledging his beliefs and concerns (especially as an older black man, given this country's history), and agreeing that he absolutely has valid reasons to feel the way he does, but by letting him know that my position on this subject was one of caring about his well-being above all else and letting him know when I got vaccinated and where, and how the process went for me.

Look, shaming CAN be effective in some limited scenarios, and I've done that, too. I've shamed quite a few people on public transit for refusing to let disabled elderly people sit. I am very much guilty of telling a woman that her imaginary friend does not need a seat of their own so that a guy who fell over getting on the bus could actually sit the fuck down.

But when it comes to bigger picture social issues, it's so much better to try to reach people and establish dialogue FIRST. And I know that that is asking a lot. For many of us, it goes against our very instincts.

At the local farmer's market last week, I had a man come up to me in a MAGA hat and I was absolutely braced for a fight. Instead, he eagerly showed me pictures on his phone of the garden he was cultivating. He was almost GIDDY about his plants, about the wildflowers and the pollinators and the fruit and the trees. That man was reachable. He was not there to attack me for being a queer woman. He was there to bond over how cool plants are and had no idea what he was really signing up for.

It's so much easier to condemn people broadly as monsters, and I know it feels much more satisfying and rewarding in the moment. I've done it, too. I was downright obnoxious about it when I was younger. But this is not the kind of behavior that leads to long-term societal growth.

The more we cut off and alienate people, the easier it is for them to fall prey to indoctrination. Exposure and social engagement is our biggest weapon against bigotry and THAT is a major reason as to why the Republican party wants to destroy public education.

I have had an immense uphill battle with some of my closest male friends in trying to keep them from falling down the alt-right pipeline. It's been a nearly two decade endeavor in a few cases, but I have seen those men in my life gradually improve and become well-rounded, empathetic, and educated men.

I guess what I'm saying here is, if you have a man (or ANYONE for that matter!) in your life who is showing early warning signs and/or you believe is susceptible to the MAGA movement, please think about what I've said. It's so much harder to approach them from a place of understanding than of anger and I get that, but at the end of the day, one of those is going to be much more effective at changing their viewpoint.

Lastly, if you find yourself in a situation where you are trying to engage with someone who thinks very differently than you do, here are a few tips and some examples:

1. Acknowledge their viewpoint.

"I understand where you're coming from"

"I think I see why you think/feel this way"

Or even just asking, "I don't really understand, can you explain how you arrived to this conclusion/viewpoint/opinion, etc.?"

2. Offer them an olive branch.

"I see what you're saying, and actually, I think you will find that our opinions aren't too different from each other's."

"You have a point about this, and if I could just build off of that, here is where I am coming from."

3. Address their concerns

"Yeah, you're right, our taxes are already way too high, but if we didn't have to raise them at all and could, instead, take a hard look at how they are already being spent?"

"Wolf reintroduction absolutely could be a problem for farmers if it's handled poorly, and you're right that city people don't understand that as intimately as you do, but what if I told you there's a way we could work this out to your benefit, too?"

4. Thank them for listening! (even if they didn't magically change their opinion right away, you never know)

"I'm glad we had this talk, thank you for hearing what I had to say."

5. Reassure them that you listened, too! (even if YOU didn't change your mind)

"I can't say you've changed my mind, but you've given me something to think about."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[marveltrumpshate]

To say that we’re beyond devastated and at a loss for words barely scratches the surface of what we’re feeling in the wake of the U.S. election, and it’s been a struggle to figure out what to say and how to speak with impassioned clarity when we're muddling through fury, heartbreak, and fear. So what we did was go back to our 2018 "thank you" post to all of our creators, bidders, signal boosters, and supporters to reflect on the beginnings of MTH and where we can go from here.

When Marvel Trumps Hate was created, it was made with the hope that our name would outlast Trump. We would fight to eradicate the hate that he and his ilk have sown and continue to spread and not only survive but also thrive in spite of it. That Trump would be re-elected six years later by a bigger, more emphatic margin, with the Republicans taking the House and Senate, is a damning indication of the state of the U.S. today and a result that is of extreme concern for everyone in the U.S. and around the world.

In many ways, it’s dispiriting that not only have a lot of things not changed since MTH was founded, but they’ve also become actively worse and more dysfunctional. But the difference between 2018 and 2024 is that while our anger hasn’t gone away, our rage is now accompanied with a better, more clear-eyed understanding of what’s broken and what actions need to be taken. We know what needs fixing—and what works.

What works is community. We may not be able to put our trust in certain systems and people in power, but we can lean on and take care of one another. We have to and we will. How do we know this? Because you’ve all shown that since the beginning. We were reminded of it when reading our 2018 post and thinking about the past six years of MTH. Like we said in our closing message at the end of this year’s auction, it’s easy to feel defeated, but time and time again, we’ve learned that the most important thing is to show up even if you’re unsure of what impact you can have as just one person. Every year, that’s what you all do.

Hope doesn’t come from nowhere. We have to create it ourselves. And while there are dark days ahead of us, what we have to hold onto as we march forward, what lights our way, is the knowledge that you’re doing just that. This year’s auction is proof of it.

This year, 180 "Marvel"-ous creators came forward to offer 293 auctions. They offered 360 unique platonic and romantic relationships and character-centric options (if we include "all ships/gen"-inclusive relationships, this number is even higher) across 40 universes within the Marvel multiverse.

This spirit of inclusion goes beyond trying to encompass as much of the Marvel fandom as possible and can be seen in our auction and charity results too. Every one of 293 auctions was bid on, and every one of our 30 supported charities received donations. As ever, we’re in awe of your commitment to supporting all our creators and charities.

As for the crowning achievement, the culmination of our efforts, the grand total we raised this year is…

Wow. This is the most we’ve ever raised in a single MTH auction (other than our Spiders Georg 2021 auction), and you shattered the record for the highest amount donated to a charity AGAIN, with $9,420.62 going to Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders) too. This is all the more impressive considering it was accomplished by the second-to-smallest number of creators and auctions we had. It goes to show that no matter how small you are, you can pack a punch if you team up.

You can see the effort of our teamwork and the breakdown of the donations here (to enlarge the image, click here and hover to see the donation amount per charity).

We’ve also listed the amount raised per charity on our 2024 auction results page.

Creators, we couldn't have started this auction without you. Your commitment to the event, whether you return every year, made a surprise welcome return after a break, or are new and took what we know can be a scary jump into the event, moves us. It’s hard putting yourself out there, and we applaud you for it.

Bidders, your willingness to duke it out helps us raise as much money as we do. We’ve seen some wild things though what always astonishes us the most is that most donations are small ones including a lot of those crazily high winning bids—so many of them were the result of people pooling their five dollars together! This has been consistently the case since MTH began and is a testament to the ripple effect you can have if you’re part of something bigger than yourself.

We also owe our success to our amazing signal boosters. There can’t be an auction without any participants so to every fandom community Tumblr and Discord mod and every individual who shared our posts and encouraged their fandom friends to sign up and/or bid, thank you so much. Together, we reached hundreds of fantastic creators and bidders from all corners of the Marvel fandom, many of whom we didn't know and some who were hearing about us for the first time (and some who made the leap after sitting on the fence for years which is awesome).

Thank you all. We’re so touched by the massive number of people who donated above and beyond their pledged amount, creators who took on multiple auctions and offered multiple winner slots, and bidders who accepted their second-place wins with such eagerness. We also had people make donations in the spirit of MTH even though they didn’t win an auction, which was beyond generous. This year, we saw a record number of people doing that (even someone who was no longer part of the Marvel fandom but wanted to support what we were doing), especially in the wake of the U.S. election, and it made us very emotional to see such compassion.

From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for helping us turn our seventh Marvel Trumps Hate auction into such a fantastic experience. We cherish every single message of love and support that we received and continue to receive on our Discord server and through DMs, Tumblr messages, emails, tweets, etc., and they as well as your generosity have buoyed us since September and the past two days in particular.

If you'd like to stay updated on all of the 2024 Marvel Trumps Hate fills, follow us and/or check out the "mth 2024" tag on our Tumblr. You’ll also be able to find works posted on AO3 in our Marvel Trumps Hate 2024 collection and links to fills in our Discord server, which you can join to brainstorm prompts, chat about fills, and find out about other fandom events.

And with that, MTH 2024 has officially come to a close. Thank you once again to everyone who volunteered their services, time, money, and platforms to spread the word. We hope that these results have bolstered your belief that you can make a difference as well as your determination to stand back up after being knocked down and defiantly say, “I can do this all day.”

Because we have to. For those of us who have suffered, for those of us who are in the most danger now, for those of us who have died at the hands of the evil and cruel in power and are no longer with us. For all of us who are still here. Because we all deserve to be here, safe, cared for, and alive.

So let’s get back up. Let’s get to work.

Yours in solidarity, Your 2024 MTH mods

[mynameismad]

What have I been up to?????

Hey all! I'm sure you're all cycling rapidly through the stages of grief like I am, but I thought I'd just check in and let everyone know what's going on with me and when they can expect more comics!

GOOD NEWS: I got a concept art job! I've been working freelance for a client for about two months now and things are going great! Honestly working on short assignments with weekly deadlines has been an amazing break from the slow, constant march of longform comics. I am surprising myself every day and haven't been this excited to learn and grow as an artist in a very long time. Moving forward, I would like to find a full time job in games and stay there, rather than continuing to hustle full-time in comics. I've paused my Patreon for the foreseeable future.

THAT BEING SAID: I will always be making comics!!!!!! I love them a lot, they've been good to me, and I have all these ideas in my head that NEED to be let out. I want to start making them in my own time, rather than as my main source of income. We'll see how long it takes to find true stability in concept (maybe never, lol) but in the meantime I will keep drawing my silly little guys and posting them online for everyone to see. I have to! I have to keep going and making the art I want to see in the world! We have to keep going!!!!

SAKANA: hoping to get back to the fish boys sooner rather than later. I've been stuck on whether to end the latest chapter right away or get a few more pages in there. We're moving into a HEAVY part of the plot, which will be trickier to write, so I've been procrastinating lol. Please don't take my extended absence as proof that I'm walking away from the story: I've just been busy with a new job and I don't know exactly how to get to the next chapter yet!! (also, jsyk, the Webtoon mirror is something I was doing for fun! not a priority!!)

RR: I actually have a few different projects started for RR! Chapter 2 is like 9 pages in, but then I paused and started work on a 20ish page minicomic, which is like 7 pages in. I'm going to finish the mini first and hopefully upload it to itch.io. For Chapter 2, I created this really elaborate environment in an effort to force myself to learn Blender, but then I got a job....so I have no time to learn Blender lol. Still trying to figure out whether to simplify or push forward.

OTHER: yeah...I am a comic artist at heart so obviously I have a million things I want to do. But SAKANA and RR are the highest priority right now!

UPCOMING: I am pursuing other freelance work for shorter, more manageable projects! If you need somebody to redline all your thumbnails, critique the first draft of your synopsis, or make a 20-40 page comic, please keep me in mind!

In closing: I'm locking my twitter accounts tonight and moving away from the platform for now. I'll be here, Instagram (@/mad_rupert), and BlueSky (@/madrupert). Thanks for sticking with me, let's hold onto and support each other in the coming weeks, months, and years! Let's keep going!!!!! I love you all so much!!!

[derpygirl-draws]

You know what? I will not be be quiet.

^(just an example of what I am talking about) I wish I could live everyday not having to worry and not having to listen to the people I love panicking or just saying “Welp guess we are fucked”. But because so many people believed in this asshole and voted for him, I have to fear for the lives of people, REAL PEOPLE, some of whom not so long ago did not have any rights or freedoms as much as the average American. THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE, PEOPLE’S LIVES ARE AT STAKE. Not just their mortality but their basic right to happiness. THEIR RIGHT AS PEOPLE TO LIVE HOW THEY PLEASE IN THE PUBLIC EYE AND TO FEEL PROUD OF WHO THEY ARE.

I’ve heard people call other’s dramatic.

Those who think the reaction of minorities is dramatic do not know the fear of being deemed less important to the world. I don’t even fully know what that’s like and I don’t want to know. I don’t want anyone to know what it’s like for the world to turn their back on them. It’s a very real feeling that I wouldn’t wish on anyone! I WANT TO SEE THE PEOPLE I LOVE BEING HAPPY. I WANT TO SEE THE WORLD HAPPY. But that’s too much to ask, isn’t it?

I may not fully understand the struggles of every minority. I’ve been fortunate enough to have lived a childhood where discrimination against any part of me has been minimal.

I am a person who was born as female and identifies as female. I am a person of color. I am queer. I am neurodivergent. The majority of my peers and friends are minorities. And I care very deeply about all of them. I don’t hate many things in the world. I believe hate only fosters bitterness. But I will not hide the fact that I HATE seeing the people I care about, no matter how little I know them or how distant the relationship, hurting. I HATE knowing that I can’t immediately take their pain away and tell them not to worry.

Cause who am I to say you or the people around you shouldn’t worry? Who am I to promise it’ll be okay? Who am I to wish for a better world when it feels like the cards are constantly stacked against us.

Who is anyone to call someone else dramatic for fearing the future? When this is the world we live in.

I want to say my peace on the matter cause I feel it would be doing my loved ones a disservice to keep my voice left unheard. To bottle up your thoughts is the give in to the fear.

TELL THE WORLD HOW YOU FEEL. TELL THE WORLD AND SOMEONE WILL COME TO LISTEN. You are not dramatic for being scared. But do not suffer alone. There is always someone who will listen. Always someone who feels the same. Always someone who will appreciate knowing they aren’t alone and that you are with them.

And for those who don’t care or don’t believe this is a big deal, I will not beg. I will not ask. I will tell you to educate yourself and learn about reality we’ve been thrusted into. And if anything, how this affects you too. Cause otherwise there is nothing I can do for you and nothing I will do because there are others I know who appreciate and acknowledge what I have to say. There are others who will stand with me. There are people I want to stand with because they are people that believe and care about me and the millions of people who will be affected by the choices and ignorance of others.

I stand with open arms to those who need it. Who needs support. I will not say please stand with me. I will say I am here and I will stay here and be here no matter what and if you choose to stand with me, that’s your choice.

I will not beg for the freedom to exist and neither should you.

[cazort]

I agree with this criticism, but I think he leaves out some important parts of it.

A huge part of why the working class is fleeing the Democratic party in droves is that leftist discourse has resorted to classism as a way of attacking, bullying, and silencing its political opponents.

You started to see this first in fringe internet discourse in the early 2010's and it increased in frequency and become more mainstream in response to the shift to algorithmic feeds on mainstream sites (FB and Twitter, soon after others following) in 2011.

Basically what happens is that someone says the "wrong thing" and they get mobbed...it could be something harmless like using old terminology to refer to trans people ("FtM", "MtF", "became a woman / became a man", etc.) or it could be something harmful in subtle ways but dependent on context and perhaps not even immediately apparent to the person speaking it (i.e. "I want applicants to be judged on merit or qualifications alone." / "That (black) person is so articulate." / "That woman is so bossy." etc)

And people FLIP SHIT on them.

And here's the thing...this sort of bullying behavior directed at people saying "politically incorrect" things, i.e. what people call "social justice culture" or "wokeism" is little more than a form of classism.

Because who knows how to say all the right things? Educated people. People who are more intelligent and who don't have any learning disabilities. People who have more time on their hands. People with an easier life, people who aren't working 2 jobs or struggling to make ends meet or caring for a child on top of working a full-time job or more or doing full-time job on top of school. People who are more well-connected, whose friends already use the right language and can correct them politely in private before it blowing up into an incident.

Picture you're some poor person from some tiny town in West Virginia. Your parents say racist things, all your friends say racist things, and you might actually be the least racist person you know and then you come online or you come into the big city and you say something that would be seen as outright progressive where you're from, and suddenly everyone is berating you and condemning you and jumping down your throat.

Now picture you're some wealthy person who grew up in a wealthy suburb of a big city. Your family is educated. You know how to say the right things without offending people. Your friends correct you. You might be deeply racist, but you know how to express your viewpoints so subtly, so indirectly that it doesn't push the buttons of the leftist SJW's. You might even openly support movements like BLM, but then you turn around and support deeply-racist policies like the status quo of school funding by municipality, and high-tax-base suburbs with low tax rates and high city services while black people live in low-tax-base, high-tax-rate municipalities.

And then you turn around and look down on that West Virginia guy who said the wrong thing on Twitter or the wrong thing in some work meeting.

This is the classism of the Democratic party. This is why Trump won in a landslide.

I want people talking about it yesterday. I want people talking about it 10 years ago. I was talking about it 10 years ago but almost no one was listening to me. I want to scream at all of you who ignored me, and shake you. You were all wrong and I was right.

Listen to me now.

We can defeat the Trump movement but we ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO start by examining ourselves first. There is no other path. We cannot win by brute-forcing our way out. The Trump movement already has a majority of support among voters and has been growing in strength as we fail to address these issues.

We have to examine our own classism and we have to break it down, and then we have to reach out and apologize to the people who have been wronged by it. We need to unify behind leaders who publicly reject cancel culture and publicly reject classism.

And I don't just mean Bernie here. Bernie's statement is good but it's not good enough. It doesn't verbalize everything that I've said here. I just expressed a whole other level of classism that I think is getting closer to the heart of things. Other people may have even more things to add, that I missed.

But please, start talking about this stuff. We need to build a new consensus around these things and we need to start identifying and rejecting the classism in leftist thought. And then apologizing to, listening to, and bringing back in all the people we have shut out and excluded. Yes, that means even the people who say problematic things here and there. I don't mean to include people who are adamantly shouting egregiously bigoted things. I mean that we need to apologize for the way we have overreacted. I mean that we need to exercise restraint, de-escalate. And when we do see bigotry, we need to refrain from using classism as a way to bully the people voicing it. We need to cleanly separate the bigotry and make pointed criticism of the bigotry without putting down the person voicing it.

As Christians say "hate the sin not the sinner". Seriously, it does work.

Source

The scalding reality

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

Samba's Death by Cheese Class Notes 11/09/2024

So generally when we get these classes, Samba shares BTS info. This is what I could write down when I wasn't making the Mac.

Pic Source: Samba's Instagram of his dish

Questions:

What was the longest scene to film?

First episode of Stede going down the steps talking about "mentally devastated". They were spending a lot of time riffing and figuring out the characters. They asked everyone to make something up-- Roach said: "First you skin them alive"- each Swede - "First you keep it in side, and then you go home, and then you take it out on your loved ones"

In S2 = The torture scene took the longest to film. Samson and Roach had those clamps on their head the whole time (multiple days of shooting and it sucked) Rhys pulled his shoulder being tied to the mast. Vico and Madeline were nauseous from laying with their feet up in the air for so long. Con and Kristian were tied together, and Samba was saying how con came up to Kristians knee (affectionately)"

What was the story behind the first run of Stede being glammed up by the crew and the sexual tension (before calypsos birthday was written).

Wee John was gonna glam up Stede, add eye shadow, give him a makeover - pierced earring, wear a low cut shirt, and then Blackbeard would notice him-- but then they all decided that it would be better that Blackbeard and Stede bond over this scene of Stede coming into his pirate captainness (or the trauma from it)

More BTS:

The cast hadn't worked together before (except like Rhys and Taika, David Fane and Taika, and Sampson and Joel)

Apparently Samson almost killed them when he threw a sword up in the air. They decided after that the guys wouldn't be doing any major battle scenes or stunts. "You can do yardies that's as far as you go"

They didn't get to learn too much ship work, besides belaying, that's why it always looks like people are just like mopping or hammering in the background. Samba, Kristian, and Nathan wanted to practice throwing rope in the water to save people, Kristian threw it like Hodor, Nathan threw it "GAY" (and he has a video-- but didn't say anything about sharing it)

Talked about making the dish in New Zealand for Rhys and the cast:

He did a lot of impressions of Con, and said "Oh Con, didn't see you there" Looking at the floor "This is delicious, how much cheese is in this?" - Con "Hey! Stop kicking me!" - Samba" "15 Cups"- Samba "15 cups!?" - Con, and then Samba said he just had to pick Con up and calm him down. "Ok put him in the corner!" - Samba (All of this said affectionately)

Mermaid Jizz

People asked about Mermaid Jizz in chat, and the ASL Interpreter was being very good at interpreting things (Berto is the man!)

Funnily enough, apparently this wasn't the raunchiest chat, Felicia Day had people talking about lightning bolts coming out of their Anus, and Berto said something like "nothing can top Jewel" We need this story Berto. Please.

Silly Pronunciations:

Co-Land-Err, and Pap-Ree-cah

Dirty Jokes While Talking about the dish:

"You want it to be nice and sticky like Lucius' Sheets"

"Nice and coated, like blackbeard on calypsos birthday, and the inn happening right now"

"Gentle and easy, like the gentleman pirate"

"Moist, Lucius' favorite word"

Love being sent to all of us:

We need to band together and support each other. Thank you for supporting the LA food bank, it means a lot to Samba personally.

Love Conquers all Cast and Fans are Bonded for eternity "You and I we are like Lucius and Black Pete. Nothing can keep us apart-- or not, never mind that's too sticky".

Love to everyone, he is not leaving twitter because actors HAVE to have multiple socials-- but he'll look into if he can hop onto BlueSky

If you attended the class and shared your results, please tag Samba Schutte and Momentus on the socials!

If you all remember anything I missed please let me know or reblog with it please! I was trying to write everything down while making this monstrosity lol.

[ethereallyjade]

Pick a Pile: Where to Find Happiness RN

Choose a photo that calls to you and the cards will tell you a message. As always, this is just for fun. Do not take anything seriously or above legal or medical advice. If you're interested in personal tarot readings and want to support me, check out my Paid Readings! Masterlist

1 - 4

Images are not mine

⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

ℙ𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝟙

Look for happiness in a mother, your mother, or another type of mature woman in your life. Seek your femininity, as well as beauty. Find happiness in a daydream. Find happiness through your intuition and your creative endeavors. Find happiness in caring for yourself and others, in healing and listening. Find happiness in support and loyalty. Stand your ground, remember who you are. Don't waste time looking down upon others, just be a beacon of light for those like you.

ℙ𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝟚

You will find happiness in freeing yourself of your worries. Let go of self blame/pity, anxiety, and guilt. Block negativity and learn how to overcome your fears. Get out of bed, stand up, turn the lights on, and most importantly lift your head up. Allow your tears to fall when they need to, but remember that you are strong. Stay hopeful and allow yourself to heal.

ℙ𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝟛

Stop letting another person fill your cup. In fact, anything they put in your cup, dump that sh*t out. Learn your boundaries and then speak them. Let the world know where you stand. I'm seeing you may have recently cut off a lot of people or you want to. Do it, it's gonna bring you happiness. Stop giving yourself to people who don't respect you. Both parties are unhappy here. I'm feeling a very "I'm done with this bullsh*t. I had enough," kind of energy here. Allow yourself to disconnect and put an end to what does not serve you. You will find happiness in finding balance, connection, and equality.

ℙ𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝟜

First thing I heard was 'Dethrone the King'. I already love this pile. Y'all will find happiness in calling someone out on their bullsh*t. Find happiness in calling out those who abuse their power. I'm seeing a man in particular; a man in power, a father, or parents in general. You will find happiness in being stubborn against them, rebellion, taking back control, as well as finding discipline. You will find happiness in finding your power and standing tf up, BUT also through being logical. Follow your heart, but don't abandon your head.

I'm actually geeking about your reading. You got the Emperor reversed. LIKE! Powerful old man in all red getting dethroned. We all know what's up. I'm rootin for ya'll

[theinstagrahame]

I think it's important to realize that pointing out hypocrisy is an appeal to shame. It doesn't work because it reinforces the Trump Voter (and I use the phrase as euphemism) has the power to be inconsistent without facing consequences, but you do not.

It's something I'm learning while trying to figure out how to deal with a (likely) narcissist in my family. It's a tough lesson because you can't win a fight with them, they're extremely good at redirecting, conflating, and modifying the terms of the fight until you're actually the bad guy for bringing it up.

I don't mean "you can't win" in the hopeless sense, I mean it more literally. There is no way you can defeat them in a fight, because their capacity for mental gymnastics is so strong that they literally can't lose--in their own minds, anyway. Even if you manage to score a few rhetorical points, all you're actually doing is giving them ammunition for the next fight.

So instead, you move on without them. You change your life to be what you want it to be, and they are only welcome to tag along if they behave. You beat them by outlasting them, by building things they can't get into, and (in a lot of cases) by refusing to give them what they want until they go somewhere else.

I don't know how we're going to survive Trump's Return. But I know he's widely regarded as a pretty textbook narcissist, and he's got an army of sycophants backing him up. He didn't need any of us to win. But we also don't really need him, we've got each other, and we're better than him and all of his supporters.

hey, can you talk about how shame doesn't really work to make ppl change views? I'm surrounded by libs who are like "if I call Trump voters stupid enough it will work" even though it hasn't worked for the last 10 years

im tired boss

Well, if we want to talk about the psychological mechanics that explain why shame doesn't work I have articles and books on that, which I'm assuming you're already familiar with. But what you're really asking here isn't why shame doesn't work, but how you can get your lib friends to stop utilizing shame, and the truth is, you can't. They're using shame because it FEELS GOOD TO THEM. Shame is reinforcing for the *shamer* because it helps them to feel righteous and correct and like they don't have any additional work to do in understanding the shamed person's perspective. And the liberal psyche is particularly attuned to finding that attractive for a variety of reasons, especially their class position in the world.

[ladyloveandjustice]

I want to expand on what I'm talking about. And I said a little bit extra in the comments:

There's just some posts that have been going around about how to solve the issue of men swinging real right in America right now,which does have an impact on society. some guy was saying he was attacted to the right bc they were all 'welcome brother' but in the left people resent him. I think it's just. It's easier to go to an idealogy that's like 'you're entitled to this' than an idealogy that says 'hey you're not entitled to everything but you could be more emotionally healthy and kinder to other people and". That's something simply being nice or making them feel good won't ever fully fix. The "rewards" for being in the right will always feel more immediate for white men.

It's not unique to men to feel alienated in an idealogy that wants you to challenge yourself. At the same time, more kindness to everyone, emphasis on acceptance, less volatile language toward each other, will help the community be stronger over all. it is a difficult conundrum, but I don't think it comes down to 'we don't make men feel special enough

It also ignores I think, that white men DO get rewarded in leftist spaces too. a lot. Men will get a ton of adoration for saying something vaguely feminist than if a woman says it a lot of the time, and so on a so forth, everyone loves a sweet guy...I think that's something that already happens.

But let's get back to volatile language:

We always say guilt isn't going to help anyone and it isn't about guilt. But I think we need to admit that no, we do try to make people feel guilty and ashamed a lot. And not framing it around that most of the time would do a lot.

I've seen posts straight up saying it's a bad thing to want to survive and live happy lives and take actions to do this because (x) bad thing is happening. You know, the most basic human instinct? And that's not going to win over people. You may not like that, but it's not.

I don't think that needs to center on women helping men feel special about themselves. A lot of us are asked to take care of men all the time and it's exhausting. Men on the left can focus on being more positive about the concept of manhood if they want, but asking women to do the work. is just....yeah that's just the patriarchy.

I do think examining things like black masculinity etc is great though. If you have another marginalized identity, it will intertwine with masculinity in very specific ways that will be used against you, just as it is with femininity or being outside both those concepts (yet the world assigns you one anyway). I totally get that masculinity is used as a weapon against both gay men and gay women, in different specific ways. And I think at least learning about that and supporting efforts to stop this makes one a better person.

On the other hand. it would be insane of me to ask a Black woman to make a Black man feel special and accepted for simply being a man if she doesn't want to do that. Like. absolutely wild.

And it's it's rarely about that, is it? When we say "celebrate men" it's not bringing any unique experience into it. It's about white men. They're the ones who make up most of the alt-right.

Communities in the right are not compassionate but because they offer some form of reward and companionship they can seem like that. As much as people are lured in by "welcome brother" or whatever, those same people will on the right will mock any person who steps outside the strict roles that have been set.

So....we need to abolish to same roles. I think we need to focus on how we talk to people. On supporting people when they're trying.

It also comes off in how we talk to each other about basically I can harshly tell someone who has privilege over me-- a white man or straight person ect ect-- their guilt about their privilege does nothing, I'm not interested in guilt and what we need is action. But let's be real. Telling someone "you benefit from a system that makes other people suffer" is going to make someone feel guilty. And yelling at someone for feeling guilty isn't going to make that better. I think we avoid saying the truth and say what's the core of it-- no, it's not your fault you were born a certain way and now you benefit from something. A society hundreds of years in the making made that happen. And that sucks, that you basically have no choice but to be complicit. And it sucks way, way more for the people who are kept down by that system. So we need to change society. We can do it together. It's not to "make up" for you existing. It's because we care about each other. I want this for all of us, because when we see each other as whole people and are treated equally, it benefits all of us.

This is a not a "men are uniquely punished by the left for being men, we need to celebrate masculinity, stop being so mean" thing. It's a human thing. It's about the way we talk to each other and try to weild guilt towards people in general. People want to feel good about themselves. They want some kind of acceptance. If you're constantly made to feel bad, it can be hard to want to stay. This is something everyone feels, because we all have a selfish instinct.

People don't like feeling guilty. That's just how people are. It's promoting compassion, rather than hatred and resentment, that's going to help us in the end.

But me simply saying that isn't going to change much. Humans feel hurt and lash out too. When horrible things are happening to us, we resent people that don't understand that or are part of that. The paradigm shift will be hard. Not everyone will be able to do it and I don't think that's wrong.

Everyone gets frustrated by a class of people where a lot of them have more power and try to push them down. Nobody wants to talk to someone that's trying to hurt them.

That's why it needs to be someone like me who could explain racism 101 rather than idk. making a person of color say 'well white people don't feel special and accepted for being white. poc we must be nicer. let's celebrate whiteness because the right does and that's why white people are drawn to it, they feel accepted." listen to how ridic that sounds. you are literally asking for a white history month. That's the same thing you're doing when you're talking about manhood like this. The onus is not on the discriminated group to reach out to those harming them. That's up to others in the community.

But as a broader thing...We just need to figure out what the end game is. Do we want to yell and guilt trip, or do we want more people in our corner? What's more important, the end goal or if someone knows all the right lingo or matches up to your opinions exactly? What do we need to rally around? How can we take care of each other? If we're kinder to the community, more people will follow.

Anyway this is the last time i'll say some big thing like this and tag it. I don't like doing this on tumblr for a reason.

[talonabraxas]

Goddess Venus in Her Chariot Talon Abraxas

Venus in Capricorn 2024: Building Foundations

On November 11, 1:26 PM EST, Venus leaves Sagittarius and enters Capricorn, where she is going to remain until December 7. In Capricorn, Venus motivates us to make choices according to our long-term aspirations and invest time into building solid foundations for both our relationships and our financial endeavors.

Venus from Sagittarius to Capricorn: Slowing Down

Named after the Goddess of Love and Beauty, Venus in Astrology has a dual nature as she rules both Taurus and Libra. Her rulership over Taurus reflects Venus’ connection to our relationship with ourselves, our inner magnetism, our ability to attract what we desire, and our capacity to attune to abundance and receive what Life provides us. Venus’ rulership over Libra has to do with Venus’ associations with our relationships with other people and our desire to be surrounded by beauty, harmony, and peace.

During Venus’ transit through Sagittarius, we had opportunities to recognize the role of relationships as catalysts for growth and we were invited to embrace radical authenticity in all our interactions with others. Venus in Sagittarius encouraged us to value learning and gravitate toward people who inspire and uplift us.

Venus’ ingress into Capricorn marks an energetic shift that motivates us to slow down and place a higher value on reliability, commitment, and integrity. As an Earth sign, Capricorn invites us to focus on building stability and preparing for the future. We get more serious during this transit, which invites a practical, grounded, and thoughtful approach to both romantic and financial matters. While Venus is in Capricorn, we are drawn to take things more cautiously and pursue what has long-term potential.

Venus enters Capricorn: Exploring our Relationship with Authority and Responsibility

While Venus is in Capricorn, we have an opportunity to examine our relationship to commitment, responsibility, and consistency. This transit brings our attention to our maturation journey, particularly in the areas of relationships and finances. Venus’s journey through Capricorn highlights the value of personal responsibility and provides us with an opportunity to recognize areas of our lives where we may need to further mature, particularly if we want to build long-term fulfilling relationships or create more financial security.

This transit is an opportunity to reflect on our relationship with the energy of authority, which includes both external authorities and our inner sense of authority, and notice repetitive patterns and dynamics that may point to unresolved issues from our past.

Venus in Capricorn inspires us to turn inward and self-reflect, to spend more time with ourselves, and to analyze how our past experiences have shaped our attitude toward relationships, how we protect ourselves, and what we fear. It is an interesting time to reflect on times when we might have felt wrongly judged or when our vulnerability was used against us, and examine how we reacted to those experiences.

Venus in aspect to Saturn, Neptune, Uranus, Chiron, and the Lunar Nodes

During her journey through Capricorn, Venus is going to form sextiles with Saturn and Neptune in Pisces, trine Uranus in Taurus, and square both Chiron in Aries and the Lunar Nodes in Aries and Libra.

On November 16, Venus squares the Lunar Nodes, marking a karmic turning point for many relationships. This configuration is offering us opportunities to acknowledge and tend to unresolved past pain and relational traumas that still impact us and need to be addressed before we can progress.

Venus forms a sextile to Saturn in Pisces on November 22. This aspect supports our desire to build connections based on mutual trust and respect, consolidate existing relationships, and focus on financial planning.

Venus squares Chiron in Aries on November 28, offering us an invitation to tend to unhealed wounds that impact our experience of relationships, our ability to love and value ourselves, and our capacity to receive love from others. On December 2, Venus trines Uranus in Taurus, supporting our flexibility and openness to change and increasing our desire for unusual and unconventional experiences.

Venus sextiles Neptune in Pisces on December 4. This aspect inspires creative expression and increases our need to be surrounded by beauty and romance while fueling our longing to connect with something greater than ourselves through spiritual and artistic practices.

Venus in Capricorn: Building Foundations

Venus’ transit through Capricorn is a time to build stronger foundations and solidify relationships and projects that we aspire to keep cultivating and nurturing for the long haul: whether we are building a relationship, a business, or focusing on a creative endeavor, this is a wonderful time to commit to investing into it. This transit reminds us of the power of delayed gratification and consistent effort and motivates us to put energy into what we value and hold dear.

In Capricorn, Venus offers us an opportunity to gain new insights into the nature of past conditioning and better understand how we were programmed during our childhood and early life, particularly when it comes to our attitude toward love, beauty, art, relationships, and financial matters. This transit is an opportunity to become aware of and break free from unconscious scarcity patterns that may be running in the back of our minds and keeping us trapped in cycles of lack, limitation, and undernourishment. -Moon Omens

[peppermint-cardboard]

hey. hello my friend. i am grabbing you by the shoulders oh so gently. do not become hopeless. that is exactly what they want. blue state governments will give them hell over the next presidential term, and you can rest assured there will absolutely be people in our government fighting for democracy.

the thing we can all do that will have the most direct immediate impact and will lay the groundwork for cultures of help, creativity, and love is to get involved at the local community level.

i’m talking especially to my fellow teens here!!! may not be able to vote but that doesn’t mean we’re not able to help.

for my fellow Angelenos!

Hollywood Food Coalition - free food! you can sign up to volunteer and do meal prep (cooking), meal service (serving food), or help at their food bank. locations are on their website. thanksgiving is coming up and HFC will need volunteers!

My Friend’s Place - free aid for youth homelessness, especially queer youth homelessness. volunteering is for 18 years and older

Los Angeles LGBT Center - exactly what it sounds like. offers a wide range of wonderful services and opportunities for volunteering. also works with school GSAs!

Moonwater Farm - a community farm in Compton with great opportunities for education and sometimes paid fellowships

for people everywhere else! just some general recommendations:

The Trevor Project - queer youth services that have saved my ass a number of times. i don’t know if they call the police as part of their responses or not (offers a single-click-to-leave button in case of emergency)

TrevorSpace - a great queer youth-centered website and a very safe place for queer community and discussion

Debate Me, Bro - a great anarchist newsletter/advice column run by a friend of mine!

The Child And Its Enemies - anarchist child rights-focused podcast also run by that same friend of mine :)

Neocities - make a website! learn some HTML! it’s fun, it’s pretty simple, and it’s a way to get a message out if that’s what you want but it’s also just a great de-stresser

Queer Liberation Library - need i even elaborate on the importance of libraries and access to queer media over the coming few years? (offers a single-click-to-leave button in case of emergency)

American Civil Liberties Union - an activism and aid organization that gave the Republicans absolute hell last time and will continue to do so this time

Blackline (800-604-5841) - a crisis and help hotline prioritizing BI&POC and black queer people. will not call the police!

Trans Lifeline (US: 877-565-8860, Canada: 877-330-6366) - a helpline run by and for trans folks. has a quick escape button and will not call the police!

Wildflower Alliance Peer Support Line (888-407-4515) - a warmline to chat with trained therapists and professionals. will not call the police!

StrongHearts Native Helpline (844-762-8483) - a domestic and sexual violence helpline prioritizing Native Americans and Alaska Natives. has a quick escape button and will not call the police!

Thrive Lifeline (313-662-8209) - a live crisis warmline prioritizing marginalized people. also offers text messaging! will not call the police!

LGBT National Health Center (888-843-4564) - exactly what it sounds like! warmlines for queer people if you need help. has a quick escape button and will not call the police!

Transfeminine Science - a fantastic resource for... transfeminine science. exactly what it says on the tin.

Planned Parenthood - an incredibly prolific and important organization that offers a very wide array of vastly important services. if you live in an at least semi-urban city in the U.S., Planned Parenthood probably has a clinic near you. you should find out if they do!!!

please feel free to add more resources if you know any!!

other recommendations: say hi to a neighbor. bake someone a pie. start a garden. treat homeless people like your neighbors (because they are). propose a community movie night. have a party in your apartment building. call a friend. text a friend. draw something. cook something good. go to a restaurant you like. buy some DVDs. get a new stuffed animal. compliment a stranger’s shirt. ask for a hug. offer someone a hug. listen to music. KEEP LIVING!!!!!!!!!

don't just survive, keep living <3

[rhad-barks]

here's some things i think we should do to prepare for the coming years:

• get to know your neighbors if you don't already. really talk to them, ask them what their plan is for getting through this. offer your support. community brings us strength, and if your neighbors know and like you they'll be willing to organize and take action with you! if you gotta break the ice first try doing something nice for them; offer them some baked goods or help them rake the leaves out of their driveway or something.

• become more self sustaining. start gardening edible plants such as herbs, greens, strawberries, or if you have the yard space go all the way and do all the fruits and veggies you want! share the products of those plants with your friends and neighbors, and share cuttings/seeds so they can grow some too. start learning how to sew so you can mend or even make your own clothes. learn crochet and you can make clothes, bags, blankets, and toys -- and you can donate those to people in need! wean yourself off of consumerism as much as possible, and share your skills with your community. they'll wanna share theirs with you!

• preserve your culture. i have a feeling that pretty much ANY progressive media is going to face heavy censorship and erasure, so i implore you to download your favorite queer & poc & antifascist movies/youtube videos, collect books & zines, save your favorite queer porn too. and YOU can personally preserve your culture by writing about it. write about what's happening, how you feel, how your friends and family feel, what you're planning. in the future they will try to whitewash and erase the severity of this era and we need to keep records to prevent that.

• educate yourself. go back and look at how queer, poc, and antifascist americans fought for their rights during times like this. learn from what they did and use it now. and PLEASE HONE YOUR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. do NOT take everything you read at face value, especially on the internet. question why things are written the way they are, question the reliability of the person telling you the stories they hear, question the sources and the proof. YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO PROPAGANDA.

• strengthen yourself mentally and emotionally. this might be the most important one on the list. if you are a more stable person, get ready to be there for others. if you're less stable, find that support system that CAN be there for you when you yourself can't. all of us need to find good coping mechanisms and be kind to ourselves and, most importantly, we need to be able to recognize when we're worn down from the stress of living like this so we can step back and rest. no one will benefit from you burning yourself down just to warm up others. we want you to feel supported too.

[walks-the-ages]

Just for the record, there's a big post going around claiming that 20 million votes weren't counted in the election, and that has been debunked multiple times, and had zero evidence or sources to begin with other than someone on twitter claiming it out of thin air.

Kamala Harris has already publicly conceded her run.

Joe Biden just gave his own speech today at the White House, announcing that Trump won the election.

"Denying the results of the election (blue version, so it's Good This TIme)" is not something that is going to help anyone, least of all the people who are getting their hopes up that things can change, only to sink to even deeper despair come January when the handover happens.

Trump won. This is not something that can be magically "fixed" by "finding 20 million votes".

Trump won, and we need to accept, and absorb that reality to move forward.

You should have been preparing for this possibility as soon as Trump announced he was running again.

He had a 50-50 chance of becoming President, and now we are indeed in this "worst timeline" of a second Trump Presidency.

You need to stop denying this fact, work on accepting it, and make your plans to build a support network before things hit the fan.

Do not wait for January 6th, 2025 to accept the fact that Trump won the election.

Do not spend the next two months in denial.

If you think the world is going to go up in literal hellfire or nuclear apocalypse if Trump becomes President, then start prepping for that scenario now if you genuinely believe it:

Learn to grow your own food.

Learn to forage wild food safely.

Learn to live off the grid.

Learn to collect your own water.

Learn first aid.

Get a firearm license and learn how to use it properly.

If you truly believe the world is going to end and the apocalypse is gonna happen to America, then act like it and prep for it.

Otherwise, stop spreading fearmongering, stop doom posting, remember that America did not dissolve into a fallout-style lawless wasteland the last time Trump was President, take a deep breath, and start telling yourself the world is not going to end.

Join local neighborhood Facebook groups and start engaging with your neighbors and local community.

Start making friends and connections at the local level.

Join local political initiatives.

Join or start a community garden.

Don't trap yourself in denial, hoping the some miracle will happen and magically make it so Harris actually won the election.

The world is not going to end.

Do something that gets you out there and actively building a better future, one small step at a time.

[peachesofteal]

do you have any advice for someone who just graduated and really wants to travel but is scared to by herself, especially now?

As someone who graduated high school and abandoned academic pursuits not once but twice to fuck off around the globe, I salute you. This is what I've got:

Do it by yourself.

Especially now is not a thing. You're fine.

Money. You'll need it. Don't ever spend the last of your cash. Keep an emergency fund.

Learn a little bit of Spanish, at least some. Some understanding of Spanish will also give you the barest of bones with Portuguese, Italian, and Romanian. Spanish is a language you can find almost anywhere in the world (on top of English)

Start small. Some people drink from the fire hose and I commend them, but if you're nervous about traveling alone, start in a westernized country. This will allow you to build comfortability while also navigating new places. It will build your confidence. On the flip side, don't insulate yourself. Don't use this to stay stagnant. A big part of traveling is getting outside your comfort zone. I support starting out in a westernized country if you're nervous but I don't support never getting beyond them.

Pay attention to visas and their processes. Don't show up somewhere expecting to be able to visit without doing any of the research. (if you're American) some Americans think their passport is some kind of golden ticket. It's not.

Make friends! This is one of the best parts, meeting and loving others from all over. It's really special. I made a lot of friends when I was traveling, and we often crashed each other's plans. Ended up traveling a lot of places with people I met along the way.

Push beyond your comfort zones. Some of the most amazing things I've seen and done have been in places that the u.s. and other countries have taught you to be intimidated by, or fear.

Take risks but calculate them. Think ahead. Be aware of your surroundings. The world is generally safer than most people would lead you to believe, but that doesn't mean you can just dance through life without a care in the world. Use your best judgement. I've fallen asleep on the job of being aware, and it's put me in some tricky situations.

Keep your dick in your pants (gn) or don't. Fall in love, I saw this so often. Be smart about it.

Never assume you have a right to spaces, things or experiences. Respect others. Learn and listen and know when to keep your mouth shut.

I chased summer for an entire year. 10/10 would recommend.

If I had to make recommendations (outside of your usual suspects): Croatia (maybe this is a usual suspect now idk), Morocco, Japan, Jordan, Argentina, Belgium (also probably a usual suspect), Brazil, Georgia. I regret not making it to many countries on the African continent, so consider that. Spain also, even though it's a commonly traveled place. Southern Spain to be specific.

Nike swoosh, just do it. Traveling and seeing the world is one of the greatest things. It changes you. It humbles you. It educates you. It gives you perspective other people could never dream of.

[kickthecan-revolution]

This is long.

I had dinner last night with my friend/employee who’s here for a work trip. He had some incredibly profound things to say about the election that I’m still thinking about today.

I’m reflecting on where I could have been braver. Where I could have been kinder. Mostly, on a part of my life where I was on staff with Young Life, a Christian organization I was heavily involved in during college, and afterwards. When I graduated, I signed up to support a small tutoring program in Seattle’s Central district with at-risk kids that were little, not in high school. Mostly Black and Samoan. My parents hated it. I was the rebel.

The most profound thing I experienced from that year was seeing and contending with my own racism. My classism. I learned how my family had made choices in where we lived so it was predominantly white. I felt unsafe being the minority. I hated how I was seen differently by the other white people in camp, I was there with the kids who made them uncomfortable. I saw how much my identity was viscerally tied to being one of them, these white leaders who had so much fun, were so funny and made me feel like I belonged to a group of people who wouldn’t reject me. But it was these kids who made them do that, I thought to myself. Now they see me as “other”. I hated it.

I remember buying a brand new car and the kids oohing and hanging over it, and I felt sick, realizing the wealth disparity between us. I was 22 years old, realizing some of this for the first time.

It was the most uncomfortable time of my life, I hated almost every second of it but I emerged from it differently, mostly because my Black and Samoan colleagues were so kind to me. I confessed a lot to them - I asked a lot of questions that were likely exhausting for them. They never called me a racist, even though it would have been true. They never scolded me. They loved me and were excited for me that I was on this journey. They were right next to me the whole way. They weren’t shy about asking me questions or saying hard things. They moved in a way where I felt deeply accepted in my vulnerability. Looking back, how hard that must have been in the face of my ignorance is not something I take lightly. It was by far, the most foundational year of my life, I think about some aspect of it almost everyday. I became more aware. Less racist. More empathetic. It changed me permanently.

One man in particular, a speaker at a camp, said something to me that became a core memory. There was a certain girl that was very tough, and I was trying to figure out how to be with her. He just stared at me, probably bewildered and said “just hang out.” that answer baffled me at the time, mostly because I had no idea how to do that with anybody. He spoke to a large group of people after that, mostly white people, and someone asked him how they’ll know they aren’t a racist anymore. He quietly said “when you are willing to give a person of color the full and complete control - the last word - on who they are.” I’ve never forgotten that. Isn’t that what any of us want?

There’s much to be humbled by. Am I invested in being angry, or effective? Everyone infuriated me during this election - Trump supporters, Christians, Andrew Tate supporters, Joe Rogan fans Jill Stein supporters, even pro-Gaza supporters and a lot of the Leftists in the political landscape. I was furious with everyone who wasn’t completely behind Harris. I called people racist on the internet. I called them evil. I scolded, I routinely and regularly vented my moral outrage. The worst part is that I meant it.

So this is my confession, this hatred. My misuse of moral outrage. My need to feel like I was liked.My rage when someone wasn’t acting in my own very specific terms. My behavior that made so many defensive instead of supported.

Ironically, those who I felt were screaming at me (broadly, not specifically) for my Whiteness, for not supporting Gaza enough, saying I support genocide if I didn’t do or say or agree with their very specific terms of support absolutely shut me down and I felt myself pulling further away from them, just keeping all of my thoughts to myself. I wasn’t brave enough to say it out loud and felt like I couldn’t, after all it was largely this group that got us a decent candidate in the first place. Were they right, and I was just being defensive? Well yeah - they were right. And yes, I was defensive. Maybe I didn’t care enough. All I knew is I was tired of being told my level of care was not acceptable, and trying to appreciate the position that the VP was in with our Ally as Putin pushes further into Europe meant I didn’t care at all. That was not giving me the last word on who I am, and I was pissed. I stopped learning about it, I minimized my engagement with them. There was no psychological safety to be vulnerable.

It’s overly simplistic to say who is at the heart of that blame-wise. I think it’s more important to acknowledge it’s pretty human, and the damage it causes when we go underground is significant. And that in this decolonizing journey, I still don’t know how much of the oppressed opinions of me I need to accept if it doesn’t ring true for me in my soul. If there’s any space to say “no you’re wrong about me.”

And I have to wonder if that’s how a lot of people in the country who voted for Trump felt about me. I know that’s true. I wanted to feel like I was part of “the best”, and I treated them as though they weren’t. I hated their character - I still do. They genuinely frighten me. But being the same as those who I saw as the most righteous was more important to me than anything else, it was more important to belong to those I saw as “right” vs being effective. It’s my need to have a family. To not be alone.

It is also my Whiteness, needing to never feel rejected or that someone is mad at me, that’s how it manifests most for me but I’m glad I’m at the place where I am know it’s not entirely that. I am not my Whiteness entirely, though people can and do see me that way. I still get to acknowledge those other aspects of me that many might be unwilling or just not invested in seeing.

Getting at the root cause of why we (white women) do so much damage is mystery and is pretty personal but I think there has to be space for vulnerability to see the brokenness inside of us that is the source of so much unconscious, harmful behavior. There are margins of us that are broken and kind of insane - what do we need to get ahold of it? Is there any solution? I don’t know, beyond something supernatural but I do know being scolded by those who are aligned with elevated values does not seem effective. Part of me as I write that says “oh my God, are you saying you need to be managed and catered to?” that’s gross if the answer is yes, and exhausting. I just don’t know what’s truly effective in promoting change. Part of me wonders if full change is possible and we just need to be overcome/minimized/outnumbered. Its possible.

So I own a lot of contribution to this failure. This rage I feel is weird, particularly when I''m not going to be hurt much by any of this. I need to figure out what parts of it are grounded in empathy and which parts aren't. All I can do is be more honest about my missteps, my own lack of character and braver in talking about it and hope the journey will find some companions along the way. Or not, most of this is a journey we take alone, I guess.

Do you want to be angry or do you want to be effective, Diane. You can be both, but not when they cancel the other out.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.