#ok i talk too much time to shut up
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wyvernity · 10 months ago
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been thinking about the sinnohtrio lately......plus misc other stuff
also, casual ko-fi drop!! get something in this sketchy style starting at $10 woop woop
#finally decided to do a commission test run u_u#pokemon#trainer lyra#trainer kris#trainer dawn#trainer lucas#rival barry#rival silver#ayalumi#hisuian zorua#luxio#timeskip tag#rkgk#anyway it's sinnoh time !!!#still figuring out their designs and lore but this works for now#god's specialest little guys & their very normal bestfriend who they would kill/die for. up to interpretation who is killing/dying#dawn is the platinum protag who meets giratina and becomes champion#distortion world affected her way more than compared to cynthia and cyrus since she's still a developing kid. but hey cool ghost hair!#4-5 yrs later lucas gets blasted to hisui..lost his memory for the three years he's there and when arceus sends him back he's just like Man#the entire time barry is CHILLING PLAYING HAVING FUN#and forever worried abt his friends ): dawn & lucas are soo nonchalant about what happened to them it's a bit concerning to everyone else#design comments umm the only thing that matters is that they still have their og scarves 👍#and i guesss these are spring/summer outfits. winter dawn gets leggings and big coat ok. she already has too much yin energy#btw i use the cleanse tag as the direct opposition to the spell tag even tho that's probably not a real thing LOL)#oh yea barry wears the tower master ribbon 24/7. tower tycoon in training and won't shut up about it (i love him)#character dynamics i will talk abt that in another post if i feel like it... these days i just want to go replay pla aughh
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moeblob · 8 months ago
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A lil guy !
#honkai star rail#dan heng#genuinely have a million things i wanna draw and then zero energy#so dan heng in a hoodie#now i gotta go get dinner sooooo maybe that will give energy and then i can draw more of what i actually wanna draw#but i kinda spent like ... hours ? talking to my mom earlier today#since shes been in the hospital for many many days#so i was catching her up on whats been goin on and showed her silly lil videos#and telling her how hyped i was for summer hrid and she (very patient with my fe talk)#was like you always tell me about banners being bad so it must have made you REALLY happy to say the whole banner is good#and im like yeah and i had multiple people on multiple sites like hey salmon/moeblob did ya see the banner#and she was like thats so cool that people acknowledge who you like and im like yeah it is p cool#and then i told her how mad i was at the absolutely criminal act of limiting how you can watch clue (1985 hit movie)#like i told her yeah sure i own it twice on dvd and once on itunes and that the only way to watch those#are either desktop or ps2 and how i dont have access to my itunes email#and i dont have it on my laptop so i sadly would have to rebuy the movie on itunes under a new acct#then i said how i loved that it was free to watch with ads on yt and id watched it twice that way#but then recently wanted to watch it on there but laptop and hoo boy you have to buy or rent it now#so i v angrily was like fine whatever ill do the thing and leave my room and go watch it on my moms tv#while she isnt around and use her amazon prime where it should be included except ! IT WASNT!#YOU HAVE TO HAVE PRIME TO BUY OR RENT IT NOW TOO!#HOW ARE THEY DOING THIS AND WHY ! who in the world is watching this movie so much that isnt me that they have to charge for it now#on all platforms unless you straight up pirate it#and hey why would i of all people be needing to pirate a movie i own physically two times and digitally once#this is literally a personalized attack to me#and my mom was like i understand how you feel cause yeah thats really weird to do to a 1985 movie#and im like yes exactly i have morals and principles that make me opposed to this and its v maddening#and she said she understood and its ok next time we are having power issues and i have to shut down#that if i really wanna watch it i can rent it on her amazon account and i looked at her and shes like oh you feel v strongly about this#and i do! I HAVE HAD IT GIFTED TO ME TWICE ! I BOUGHT IT ONCE! WHY DO I HAVE TO RENT IT FOR MORE MONEY!
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javierduffy · 3 months ago
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but when they're out on that river bank alone, what javier should be loyal to doesn't feel as confusing anymore
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frosted-woods · 4 months ago
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i haven't read anything in 3 months. there are like 5 books i should be reading for uni. at least 10 things i said i'd draw first. my headphones refuse to work. my graphic tablet pen seems like it's going to die any second. i can't go to bed at humane hours. i think i ended up a little frustrated and with this guy all over my canvas??
oh and happy ace week. that's so swag.
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icewindandboringhorror · 10 months ago
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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girlivealwaysbean · 1 year ago
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i just came out to a real life person and i think im having a heart attack
#IT WAS SO UNPLANNED I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT ALL I DIDN'T EVWN THINK WE WERW FRIENDS??#she lives in the building next to mine and we go to tui together to divide the auto fare and we've been walking home 2-3 dino se#and she likes kpop and kdramas#but like there isn't that Spark yk like oh ny god i love u best friends forever its a little awkward and formal still#but we were talking about something and oh my god#when we reached home we were standing uski building ke neeche and she was like i want to introduce you to my childhood bestie i think you#two will like each other#and i was like kinda weirded out like um are we that close yet i thought we were just classmates 😭😭#so i asked ki oh why all of a sudden#and she's like 'i like you' and i look at her and laugh and she said STOP LAUGHING i don't meant it like that im straight ok#and idk something in me snapped i was like oh are u homophobic too?#but pls she didn't know what it meant 😭 so i explained ki do u hate gay people then#she said no no ofc not SO I JUST BLURTED OUT KI good cause im bisexual#THE SHOCK ON HER FACE OMG im saying this now in freaking out now but at that time i said it really coolly and proudly without fumbling#my voice didn't drop down to a low volume or waver or anything (which im so proud bc she's like the first irl person ive come out to face#to face??????? i mean obv childhood friends don't count they're all gay#but anyway she was like OH and then SHE FUMBLED she was like oh nice i respect u very much and it was so awkward i was like haan haan shut#up just don't tell anyone very few ppl know 😭and she wasn't done she was like so as i was saying#we're growing old and real good friendships are getting harder to find and i like you (stop laughing!!) and i hope we don't jinx it#and she literally touched a wooden table lying there and said touchwood???? 😭😭😭😭😭#now i am thinking why did i tell her she's so extroverted she talks to everyone we go to the same tui this town is tiny#she could tell everyone my parents could find out#but also a part of me is relieved cause im so sick of hiding something that is such a small yet imp part of me#and if she tells everyone then cool maybe there'll be more queer people i can't ve the only queer person in this town and we could be#friends and my parents eh they'd never believe something like that they'll ask me if it's true and ill say nah just rumors dumb kids#and they'll believe me because they'll want to believe me so bad#so no harm#i still don't feel very bestfriendy with her but maybe my standards are too high 😭 idk ig i can't see myself being friends with her#for a long time if we weren't forced by circumstances and i don't like her that much but im happy i got to say it#literally said it omg 'kyunki main hu. bisexual' FUCK THAT FELT GOOD
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confessiononadancefloor · 1 year ago
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rant <3
#so i told my friend im thinking abt engaging more in my christian community again starting w going to church more and visiti g exchanges etc#she kniws abt basically all my other friends being more than less religious and active in their respective communities#+ my family being religious even during soviet times and she even kniws abt the orthodox side of my family#so this shouldnt surprise her this much#why is she trying to talk me out of it saying christianity is evil and she cant agree to creationism like ok bitch me too#she acting as if im gonna become some republican american blonde woman or an primitive medieval peasant wthhh#and like i get it she and her family have always been agnostic and she doesnt have any personal experience with believe and faith#but that is even more reason to shut the hell up?? especially bc i just told her as like a life update i didnt want to start a discussion#w an agnostic no less#ppl like that make me so uncomfortable and then she kept saying things like this person is godless as a joke like stfu???#and kept bringing up she csnt believe in god at random times it made me so umcomfortable#especially bc now i feel hesitant to invite her to hangouts w my more 'strict' friends like idk what she thinks abt them and i dont want to#expose my friends who have to listen to enough shit to someone like that like i want my home to be a safe space for my friends#anyways thats the same girl who keeps telling me she doesnt think im white and when i tell her her saying this makes me uncomfortable#shes argues its ok bc she is not white herself ok wth im literally german/slavic how is that not white im crying#cant really articulate what exactly makes me uncomfy abt this but feels like she wants to enable me its really weird#also with tge christian stuff like ive always been religious she kniws abt me reading religious texts its so weird to me#why are you my friend if you disagree with a foundamental part of my life#maybe she thoight i was an ok one bc me and my familys approach to believe and faith is very relaxed but wth man
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thetentacleking · 1 year ago
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Had to say goodbye to my dog Reggie today, 16 years with him and we couldn’t let him be in pain anymore
He had the first seizure he ever had in his life last night, and just didn’t get better; He was dazed and wasn’t taking food or water, it would have just put him under so much stress and pain if we did all those scans and possible surgeries, medications affected him way to harshly for just calming him for a trip to the groomers now
It hurts, he’s the first dog we’ve had so long and having to make the family decision to let him go was so hard
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Just wanted to get this out somewhere, it’s been such a hard day, and the silence in our house is just so crushing right now
Reggie was such a smart, sassy, and sweet spunky lil guy, well loved by everyone in our house, and he was more than just a pet
He was our family
We’re missing him terribly already, but we know he knew he was loved until the end, we all stayed with him as it was done; it was painless and quick
Doesn’t mean it hurts any less, but we know he’s not hurting anymore
Rest well sweet Reggie, Auntie came to get you
Feb 2007-Oct 2023
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faggotwalkwithme · 9 months ago
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ughh
#i wish my mum would understand that this is my last summer break with my parents#which means if im ever going to go to the us its now#cuz im not going to go to that country by myself at least not for a long time#and that i want to see my friends especially 2 of them#like these guys have been my best friends for years i love them i want to see them#she doesn't understand of course cuz she's always had lots of friends and she always sees them all regularly#but this is my last chance#she acts like theres going to be nothing to do there for her#like dude the us is a huge holiday destination theres tons to do there#oh ok now shes complaining about my cat#respectfully.shut up#ALSO back to the us thing shes always wanted to go!#i remember her always talking about cities she wanted to go to there and we'd literally be going to those cities#but now that i want to go there. noooo its too farr its too dangerouss its too boring#you can stay home idc i want to see my friends#my dad wants to see his friends#ITS NOT LIKE SHE DOESNT HAVE FRIENDS THERE EITHER SHE DOES#SHE LITERALLY HAS SO MANY FRIENDS THERE#shut up mars#tbh i just wish i knew if we were going or not#so i don't plan and plan and plan and gets my hopes up for nothing#i understand her not wanting to be there i too am terrified of the fucking laws there#and the racism.especially#but the states we'd be going to are progressive states#and we'd be with local friends pretty much the whole time#we wouldn't even be in the us the whole time we'd be in canada for a good chunk of it
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work was a bitch, excuse me while I lie down, listen to gentle Chinese music, and pretend Lau is giving me a private acupuncture session for hours instead of doing anything productive
thanks for ur understanding 😌
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danielnelsen · 1 year ago
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oh THANK GOD
there are only three quests you can use for an infinite rings exploit and the way they work is that you get rings in the text before the reward screen, so if you close the app after getting the rings but before the reward screen, it resets that part of the quest. the first one (know your friends, i think it’s called?) needs your mc so you can’t really progress the main storyline, and the second needs ezra, like so:
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he’s not required for any important quests until much later, but i’ve still got about 5 side quests sitting there that need him.
but the third one, do you know julian, DOESNT need any of the main characters. i forget if it needs any other classmates (i just know that i used it in my original game and it was sustainable), but ezra is FINALLY free!
#ok well not quite. i’ve gotta DO the quest first#but god what a relief. this is the PERMANENT ring exploit quest#the first two were just to tide me over until this one#hss#personal#oh that’s right the last req is ‘complete a party with julian’#now watch me get one of the questions wrong so i don’t get the reward#it also has infinite coins and books. all of them have coins but the ezra one doesn’t have books#so i’m starting to get low on them even after the hundreds of thousands i saved from the first quest#oh you have no idea how much of a relief this is i can finally relax#but things are picking up with hss:#i’ve decided i’m only gonna get one of each gender of classmate unless absolutely necessary (so far i’ve needed 3 jocks and that’s it)#and this week i finally got the skater girl i needed to progress the main quest#(with infinite rings i know i could just buy them but i’m committed to partying. rip ever getting a prom queen lmao)#i also unlocked kallie yesterday (and i understand why nobody ever talked about her. that took WAY TOO LONG)#(i bought pencils in my original game but the server’s shut down now. had to do it the slow way. it took MONTHS)#i feel like there’s something else i did that was significant…….#oh yeah just now (at the same time i unlocked this quest) i finished the party that officially gets me one of every classmate#of the types i can get that is. don’t have rebels yet rip#i should look up which classmate i’ll need two of next so i can start working on it#the rarer ones can take weeks (or months. but i don’t think i’ll need a homecoming/prom queen for a quest?)#sometimes i forget i played this game for YEARS and only got by with exploits (and lbr spending WAAAY too much real money on it)#(hwu was worse because you couldn’t exploit it)#but i never paid rings for classmates. i always partied#sometimes i rushed parties but i still did them#wait. hold on a second. i have phoebe. she’s a prom queen. it’s the prom KING i don’t have lmaoooo that’s easy#when i say i only get a boy and girl of each that doesn’t include main characters or vips so i’ll still eventually party for a prom queen#but yeah i do have one lmao
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orcelito · 2 years ago
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i am certainly exhibiting some Vibes with my current discord setup
it's honestly very descriptive of my current state of mind overall, between the fire emblem and constant trigun lmfao
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javierduffy · 2 months ago
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just a few javieran horse headcanons because i like them a normal amount
branwen
- tall AND fat. kieran makes sure he’s always fed (maybe even accidentally a teensy bit overfed. just because kieran can’t help but indulge him when he butts him with his head or nuzzles at his pockets when he knows there’s treats in there. but never too much because ‘obesity is a problem, even in animals !’). probably about 17hh, taller than average for a kentucky saddler but nothing too big. especially since kieran himself is quite tall
- VERY well-tempered, both naturally, as well as because kieran has literally made him bulletproof. bagged him, blanketed him, stood, jumped, backflipped onto and off of him. this kindly gentleman of a horse only spooks when he wants to be bratty specifically.
- i think he’s about 6 or so, came from the stables kieran worked at after being orphaned, he was just a colt when kieran was just a kid. kieran learned how to birth foals quickly, and branwen happened to be one of them. with the way that they fell in love with each other and the way that branwen whinnied and pranced up to the fence when kieran came back to buy him after the army didn’t work out, you’d think that horse was born just for him.
- his favourite treats, in order, are rutabaga (kieran’s secret for branwen’s glossy coat. also why he’s kinda fat.), boiled potatoes mixed into his oats, apples, and fresh greens. he’s simultaneously incredibly easy to please because of the simplicity of the latter parts of his favourites list and also very needy and complicated because kieran so loves to make his pony happy with his absolute favourite treats, so he tries his very best to get branwen’s eccentric tastes pleased once falling into the VDL’s.
- i always say “a horse’s favourite thing to do is hurt itself”, and i think this statement holds relatively true for branwen as well, though there’s a 25% chance that he’s actually hurt, a 50% chance that he’s only mildly injured or spooked and he’s playing it up to get kieran to dote on him, and a 25% chance that he will protect kieran with his life when they’re in a dire situation (see: snake on the ground or gunfire nearby. or even god forbid a spare tumbleweed find it’s way rolling nearby.) despite kieran’s last wish being his horse getting injured. branwen thinks that he’s gotta be The Man and protect his dad sometimes. it does not help in any situation ever whatsoever.
- branwen is the PERFECT companion for a trail riding date. he’s settled, calm, has a great gait, and as a gelding, truly is not worried about other horses being “faster” than him, so he never gets rowdy nor has any problems when partner riders/horses crowd him. kieran is allowed to ask for as many kisses as he pleases because branwen will never jump when javier’s gold-tipped boots poke him in the side and boaz irritatedly flicks his flank with his tail. truly a goated wingman. also never complains about long rides, and enjoys being out of camp with his rider for as much as physically possible for both of them, so he’s never barnsour in either direction.
boaz
- as an american paint, he’s naturally short and stocky. saddle ends up being a bit loose, though, as javier isn’t as dedicated to keeping him perfectly fed or groomed. he loves him, sure, but horses are somewhat of tools to him, so he kinda does slightly more than bare minimum to keep him kempt and healthy. around 14.5hh, slightly shorter than average and quite dense with muscle
- temperamentally a bit volatile. this horse has just as much drama as his rider, if not a little more. doesn’t like something ? ridden too long ? that stick looks too much like a snake ? hasn’t spent enough time with kieran that day ? he will snort and grunt and bunny hop if javi isn’t on him, and shudder hard enough the saddle shakes underneath him if he is. boaz likes to please his rider, but he also demands pleasure himself, and has no issue with “accidentally” placing a hoof on his owners nice, intentionally clean boots, and subsequently slowly leaning more and more of his weight onto it when he doesn’t immediately get what he wants. bratty pony. generally, he keeps javier safe, though, when it comes down to it.
- around 5 years old. after dutch found javier trying to steal chickens the first time they met, he soon took him back to that ranch and their first take as gang leader and member was a 1 year old grey paint colt for javi to train and subsequently ride. until he was rideable, javier rode a morgan that was formerly hosea’s, named carolina, while he lead boaz everywhere behind him.
- favourite treats, in order, are corn cobs (especially dried), prickly pear fruit AND cactus, sugar cubes, and sliced apples. will force javier to share his maiz with him. javier has always sliced his apples up since he was a colt, not only because javi simply finds comfort in toying with his knife, but also because boaz will not eat them otherwise. javi will also cut all of the spines off of the cactus before letting boaz eat them.
- in terms of injury, boaz is the most dramatic tank on the planet. this horse could arthur morgan-style run face first into a tree and then fall off a cliff and walk it off. but not before he gimps and limps and whines and teeth grinds his way into javier leading him instead of riding him for the next mile or two. once kieran started taking care of him, there is also a 25% chance of boaz faking a terribly painful injury just to get kieran to dote on him.
- kinda the worst wingman ever LMFAO easily annoyed, easily aroused, easily offended, and as a stallion, HAS to walk in front of the “herd” (his rider’s boyfriend and his horse). pins his ears back, smashes into personal space, flicks branwen with his tail (and preferably kieran, if he can reach him) even sometimes will nip at branwen if the latter tries to calmly make this date a date and not a life or death race (whoever loses, their dad is gay) and walk side-by-side to aid their riders’ hand holdings. will make executive decisions via stopping or veering off for fresh green grass beside the trail, will at points actively attempt to shudder javier out of his saddle (has succeeded once when javi was distracted by a story being excitedly told by kieran), and will also spook and take off running so fast javier thinks it must have broken his neck from the velocity. generally makes trail rides a living hell, but kieran finds it charming, and it makes for some cute shoujo-style “omg … *reaches out to help you up after your horse bucks you off because he saw a log that looked nothing at all and everything like a cougar and pink and white soft bubbles surround me* are you okay ? here, let me help.” moments. maybe some day boaz will be allowed off of the national american terrorist list written by javier “rizzless rider” escuella
ok im tired and that’s all i can think of please enjoy and feel free to contribute 👍 i love them so bad im gona cry
#i’m at the gym for the first time since my od and ouugghh i’m so emotional#it’s 2am aslo. ouu they haunt me#i love thinking about them being silly little domestic cowboys#and just going on dates and riding their little horsies#my fav horse girls !1!!11!1!1!! even tho javi isn’t a horse girl really but in my heart he is cuz kieran loves trail rides#and so javieran go on trail rides a lot as well as “’riding into town’ as an excuse to get out of camp together#javier is so good at listening he truly learned the art of shutting up when he couldn’t speak english and also was learning in america that#he really should trust sparingly because the new world was so incredibly hostile to him from the start simply for being who he was and where#he came from#so he’s such a great active listener and while it’s kinda a trauma response it also works very well for javierans relationship because kiera#has never in his life ever felt important or safe or like anything he said mattered to anyone so perfect brilliant ‘i’m listening go on’ jab#vier makes kieran feel so loved and heard in ways he’s never ever in his life experienced and javi takes them fishing and riding and to the#stables constantly because he’s LISTENED to kieran and kieran never has to ask to do something he wants to do because javi’s already HEARD h#im (and he also knows kieran would never ask for anything first ever because he never feels like he deserves anything at all. nor even feels#safe enough to dare).#and javier gets his cake and eats it too when kieran asks and asks and asks because kieran cares about EVERYTHING right from the getgo beau#se unlike javier kieran has been entirely unable to turn his heart off at all in any capacity so he loves and loves ans loves against his wi#ll so javier has been so adored from the start because kieran can’t HELP it so he gets him gifts and learns things for him and javi just as#much never has to ask for much other than courage from kieran. ever. can anyone hear me is anyone lidtening ouuu#ok enough sorry they make me so emptipnal#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#javieran#kieran duffy#javier escuella#text#hero's talking to himself again#hero’s waxing poetry again#i think that was the tag ¿#im gonna throw up i miss them so bad they’re everything to me oouuggyuuuy
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anirudhpisharody · 2 years ago
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why is this MY LIFEEE i've been crushing on this girl all year who's an RA in my building and i literally don't even know her name or if she even likes girls (she gives vibes like she does though) but she's so cute and she has this dog who i always see that's adorable too and anyways yeah i have this stupid insane crush on this girl who doesn't know i exist. anyways just now i was sitting outside staring at the moon feeling sorry for myself and a little dramatic and she comes outside with her dog and her dog runs up to me and she lets me pet them and we talk for a little bit but then she i guess needs to wear her dog out a little so they go to sleep so she plays catch with her dog while i go back to being dramatic staring at the sky and then i left because i freaked out and couldn't go talk to her like a normal fucking person. and she didn't really give the vibes that she even really wanted to be friends with me like she was kinda just being polite while i was obviously more into our convo so i think i need to just leave it alone but this is horrible. i've liked her all year and we finally talk for the first time out of nowhere in a situation which quite frankly feels like fate but nothing happens i don't even catch her name and she doesn't ask me for mine. and it's the end of the year and i'm literally never gonna see her again. i hate my life so much why is the universe constantly playing a cosmic joke on me
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heartboreo · 4 days ago
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#yeah frankly im 100% overreacting to everthing again because im sensitive asl for no reason rn#but like. what happened to change everything#like idk whats going on with me but every little thing that i do wrong has made me so upset i genuinely cant handle it anymore#like on monday i got yelled at and started crying in class . it was so bad i had to go home#and today i accidentally hurt someone and that sent me into a full spiral#thank god maddie was there cause i genuinely started having a panic attack#i felt so bad and i kept trying to apologize again but i was ignored so i like . genuinely freaked out so bad i couldnt even play music#i couldn't breathe and i was shaking so bad#then it only got worse when we were packing up and he wouldnt leave#like i was so paranoid i just started shaking and crying and i just had to hug maddie for a good while before i genuinely passed out from#not being able to breathe#i dont understand my grind AT ALL and its making me so sad#like ok why couldn't i talk to my friends during study hall#what the fuck is this nonverbal grind#im just so incredibly sensitive right now for no reason and it hurts to be hit with so much negativity and then want support from my friends#but i cant ask them because im basically just attention seeking at that point . because i dont want them to complain to me and that makes me#a hypocrite. cause im just telling them about all my problems and then they start acting weird cause they probably dont want to hear about#it either but i need to tell SOMEONE cause what if they just think im being weird cause im acting strange and they dont understand why im so#freaked out or upset and everything and its just like . i wish people could understand exactly whats happening without me telling them#its so hard to tell them . genuinely difficult to get it out and when i do they look at me like im crazy and shouldn't talk to them abt it#so im just . stuck . like i need help someone pls see me im suffocating here i just need someone to tell me its okay and im not worthless#and that everythings worth it and i need to feel it.#and i know im asking for way too much because no one should have to be constantly making sure i dont kill myself but like. i cant help it#i seriously wish i wasnt this way but when u ahve a literal mental disorder its hard not to be#trust me i feel so shit about this i wish i wasnt so needy all the time#maybe i should just shut up and never worry anyone else again
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drop-dead-dropout · 8 months ago
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traumatized by involuntary psychiatric treatment. oh she's just like me fr
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amy pond + involuntary / coercive treatment
( the eleventh hour / the girl who tore through the universe by nikita gill / dead of winter by james goss / the big bang / the girl who tore through the universe by nikita gill / the girl who waited / apollo 23 by justin richards / the big bang )
#i'm sorry btw i never shut up about it but#FOUR YEARS. MY BODY MY LIFE MY WHOLE WORLD WAS DESTROYED BY PSYCHIATRY#AND IT RAVAGED MY LIFE FOR FOUR YEARS UNTIL MY PARENTS STOPPED#DID THEY STOP BECAUSE MY BODY AND ORGANS HAD BEEN IRREPARABLY DAMAGED BY ANTIPSYCOTICS THAT I DIDN'T NEED???#DID THEY STOP BECAUSE I WAS GETTING RELENTLESSLY BULLIED AND LITERALLY PHYSICALLY BEATEN UP BY OTHER PATIENTS PRETTY MUCH CONSTANTLY???#DID THEY STOP BECAUSE I WAS A LITTLE KID AND I WAS SCARED AND I WANTED MY LIFE BACK AND I WANTED TO GO HOME???#NO. THEY STOPPED BECAUSE THEY REALIZED THEY'D BEEN SCAMMED OUT OF NEARLY A MILLION DOLLARS OVER THOSE FOUR YEARS#BY A DOZEN DIFFERENT PLACES THAT PROMISED THEY COULD FIX ME IF ONLY THEY COULD KEEP ME LONGER IF ONLY THEY COULD BE MORE STRICT#AND NOTHING EVER HAPPENED AND I NEVER CHANGED BECAUSE ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED IS PEOPLE TO FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME#AND THERE MAY NOT BE A LOT OF THOSE AT HOME BUT THERE SURE AS HELL AREN'T ANY IN SOME STUPID FUCKING FACILITY#THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY FROM HOME#WHERE I'M INDEFINITELY BEHOLDEN TO THE WHIMS OF SOME TWENTY YEAR OLD PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT#WHO HAS COMPLETE CONTROL OF MY LIFE FOR THE DURATION OF THEIR SHIFT.#i was twelve years old. a child.#do you know what a supine restraint is? i had to learn. it's when a grown man sits on a little kid#and twists their arms behind their back#cause they stepped out of their room to check the TIME.#ok rant over i am so sorry#amelia pond if we could only talk together about wasted childhoods and stolen dreams#if we could only talk about the birthdays and christmases we spent in a windowless room or a house full of strangers or a stale white offic#if we could only talk about doctors in lab coats who promise they can help us and don't tell us the side effects until they're irreversible#i'd like the other doctor better too. if i was her#doctor who#vent post kinda#amy pond#antipsychiatry#fav#4 years.#anti psychiatry#anti psych
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