#not everyone with bpd is like her. they do similar things. this is true. but they did not hurt me.

[krash-and-co]

so i just woke up from anesthesia afew hours ago but

yeag i agee wirh you one hundred percent you are so right ive said it before i will say it again amd again UYOURE RIGHR HE IS YEAH i’m going to sleep now btw

LISTEN, Kaz Brekker, W.W. Hale V and Antony Lockwood are three points on the same triangle. Don’t ask me how i know this but they are.

[fierceawakening]

The other thing is like.

On the one hand, I understand why people loathe phrases like “narcissistic abuse” or “borderline abuse.” Because… abuse is a pattern of persistent coercive controlling behavior, and that’s not a criterion in the DSM. People with unusual brains do it, but so do people who don’t seem to otherwise have pathology. Part of the reason I’m only just now labeling my mom’s behavior that way is because while I see her talking like she’s sure she’s right to other people, I don’t really see her trying to shape their whole lives in the way she persistently does with me (which made me just suspicious enough that I was the problem that I felt mean calling it out.)

But.

The reason I’ve always felt a little uneasy about getting rid of those words entirely is that… those pathologies don’t by themselves make someone abusive… but theY DO seem to me like they could explain why someone is unwilling or unable to honestly assess their own behavior.

BPD is usually described as an intense fear of abandonment coupled with intense emotions that are very difficult to regulate. It’s often said that this manifests in a thing called splitting, which results in alternating between idealizing the person as perfect (I need them!) and devaluing them as trash (no I don’t! They suck!)

Abuse is a need for control that includes freaking out if the person wants or tries to leave. It most often includes praising the person effusively when not abusing, as a way to apologize or at least to keep them on the hook, and demeaning them terribly when abusing. As in alternating how you treat them.

Not all abusers have BPD and many people who do don’t abuse. All true. But those look kind of similar… such that I could see a pattern of abusive behavior feeling natural or making sense to someone who is prone to lashing out when feeling abandoned and alternating between praise and blame.

Or narcissism. That’s said to be about seeing oneself as superior, and others as inferior. Sometimes it’s grandiose, where a person just outright says they’re a rare breed and others are peons. Sometimes it’s vulnerable, where the person doesn’t outwardly posture but they do see themselves as slighted or mistreated in ways no one else is.

(I’m honestly starting to wonder if this might be a useful lens to look at my mom. She doesn’t seem to think no one else is wronged, but in the moment there’s always some reason she is the one being wronged WORSE, always some reason why you have to apologize if not grovel, even if you have a legitimate complaint too. Which she’ll hear later. Which never comes.)

But if you believe you’re better than everyone, or even just that they owe you better treatment than they’re giving you to the point you can’t process their complaints, then… again, I don’t think this means you’d NECESSARILY coercively control others! But I can see how it could lead you to thinking it’s warranted or appropriate, where others might see more clearly that it’s not.

So. Once again. Complicated.

Don’t let people who aren’t ill off the hook, but… yeah i do think there are reasons this mode of interaction could appeal to some people who are. Or that they might have trouble seeing what most people see—That abusing your loved ones doesn’t actually give you control over them, it just hurts them. They’re still autonomous agents who don’t HAVE to do or think what you would prefer.

[to-pimp-a-blue-butterfly]

r/bpdlovedones | a callout post. ableism isn’t cute, luvs [LOTS OF IMAGERY]

[meme created by u/tu2cerix on reddit, all screenshots taken by the lovely r/bpdlovedonesHATEsub xo]

—————————————————🦋 —————————————————

So judging by the title, you’re questioning why I’m calling out a subreddit mainly for loved ones affected by those with BPD, and of course I understand. But before we begin, let me explain.

r/BPDLovedOnes is “supposedly” a sub made for those healing from loved ones with Borderline Personality Disorder, a Cluster B personality disorder,

This illness is incredibly stigmatized by individuals, especially those who lurk and post on r/BPDLovedOnes, who spread lies, saying that everyone with BPD is a loveless abuser. Which is not even close to true.

—————————————————🦋 —————————————————

This subreddit has been spreading ableist views and discriminative information under the guise of “helping people”, which is not the truth whatsoever.

Which is incredibly funny, because this is what their rules look like:

‘NotAllBorderlines’ lol. Not all Borderlines are going to be abusers, you dumb shits. And if you’ve been abused by someone with BPD while YOU have it, you’re not allowed to be involved.

How...lovely?

So if I’ve been abused by someone with BPD but I have it myself, I can’t get support? Beautiful! [eyeroll]

—————————————————🦋 —————————————————

The Art Gallery

Portrait One: I Generalize Everyone with an Addiction Problem and Post Intimate Conversations on Reddit

You sound...kinda judgy there, fella.

First of all, not everyone with addiction issues has BPD. Second of all, why are you posting an intimate conversation on Reddit? If it’s making you uncomfortable, maybe stop? Discuss that with her? Instead of blasting her on the Internet lol? Is that difficult?

And what do you mean “trauma bond”? We can’t see the rest of your conversation lol. By the looks of it you asked her about her past and she doesn’t want to share it with you. It seems like you WANT an excuse to cry on that sub. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who posts our issues on the Internet instead of working it out with me. It’s not Reddit’s business. I feel bad for the girl tbh

—————————————————🦋 —————————————————

Portrait Two: Medical Professional Calls Out The Sub and Speaks All Fax, No Printer

pwBPD - Person with BPD

You know your subreddit is shit if a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL has called you out on it.

THE ONLY REASON for banning a medical professional from your echo chamber of bullshit is because you want to live in a world where everyone with BPD is the literal Antichrist and you want to continue hating them for no reason other than you’re hateful yourself. 

They love to preach and say that those with BPD are mentally ill, but I have never once seen someone with BPD send death threats. Hysterical.

Wouldn’t you want your loved ones to get help? Instead of hating on them, generalizing everyone with the disorder? A little odd, huh?

—————————————————🦋 —————————————————

TW: SELF HARM, RAPIST MENTIONS

Portrait Three: I Can’t Properly Name This Portrait As My Eyes Have Rolled Into The Back Of My Head / Hypocricy

Ummm...this was...a ride. 

You can’t tell someone to “cut into their veins” and then turn around to say we’ll call you a bully for wanting to talk respectfully lol. How does it feel...to be more hateful than anybody I’ve ever seen?

My ex friend would say similar things to me, and you wanna know something? She doesn’t have BPD. I do. And yet...I’ve never said anything as cruel as what she would say. 

Maybe because...people who don’t have BPD can be abusive too? CRAZY, RIGHT?

Don’t tell r/BPDLovedOnes or they’ll have a stroke.

Moving on!

—————————————————🦋 —————————————————

Portrait Four: BPD Women are Evil Because I Couldn’t Make Them Orgasm :(

They faked orgasms to make you feel better, bud. Like how does that relate to BPD in any way whatsoever LMFAO????

“I drank orange juice and got reminded of BPD ex wife” is no doubt going to be a post in the future rofl

—————————————————🦋 —————————————————

I don’t want to continue digging into their little hivemind bullshit, but by the posts here, I’m sure you get the point of how shit that sub actually is.

I really don’t give a fuck if you require support, I wish the best for you, but generalizing and discriminating against EVERYONE who has the disorder isn’t healing, that’s you projecting your emotions onto an entire spectrum. 

You want to heal? Don’t use Reddit. That’s all I can fucking say. Especially when the group has people talking shit about it constantly.

You cannot say you wish for us to heal and then refuse to acknowledge or put an end to the judgement and hate that is pointed directly at us. It’s utter bullshit. 

A lovely Domestic Violence counselor was kind enough to message the moderators of that shithole,

And according to them, all the mods said was “read our rules” LMFAOOOOOOO

They can’t get any more pathetic than that. It’s difficult to go farther, I swear. 

Imagine having a counselor wish to help people with their healing while avoiding ableism and you DENY THEM? The stupidity. I can’t wrap my head around it.

Share/reblog this post if you can please. I’m tired of ignorant fuckwads disgusting themselves as God Chosen healers when they’re haters in helper’s clothing.

—————————————————🦋 —————————————————

[universallywriting]

Hey, I started reading Connie’s little universe when you posted about having written wedding Connverse, and then I got to your Spinel chapter and it fascinated me. I’d already read you say you’re not crazy about Spinel, but once again you channel Diogenes (I’m not that anon but they were spot on, holy shit) and make a really inspired take on her. Care to talk a bit about why you see her so childlike? She may be innately playful, silly, and immature, but most see her as an “adult” or “teen”. 1/2

Brace yourself for a long post! (1600 words)

I’ll start off with saying that I think Spinel is a really well written character. I really like her place in the movie, I love her design, and Sarah Stiles is phenomenal. She’s not a character who is relatable to me. Personally, the character I’ve always felt the most similar to is Steven, with Connie as a close second. Understandably, I was just as exhausted towards Spinel as Steven was throughout the movie, lol.

Why I Don’t See Spinel as a Teenager Forgive me, I’m not actively involved in Spinel discourse here, so I’m a bit blind towards people’s arguments as to why they think of Spinel as a teenager or an adult. I may be missing things or have gaps, but I would like to start with the fact that I in no way intend to argue that other interpretations of Spinel are invalid, or that I’m right.

I think my biggest argument hinges on one huge point, and it’s something I rarely see talked about outside of jokes. It’s Word of God and implied in the show that only Pearls can be bound to follow orders. This means that when Spinel was ordered to stay in the garden, she chooses to stay. I don’t say that to mitigate Pink’s cruelty, nor to call Spinel stupid or to blame her for what happened. I say it only because I think it’s a crucial part of her character. Without this piece, I feel like you ignore so much of what makes Spinel, well… Spinel.

Spinel is dependent on other people to a ridiculous degree. She defines herself by other people. Without them, she is nothing. She is unquestioningly obedient in the hopes of her affections being returned, no matter how absurd it becomes to follow those orders. At any point, Spinel could have stepped onto that teleport pad and tried to find somewhere in the universe to call home. This is not what she does. She waits. At a certain point, she must know that Pink is not coming back, but she waits. She hopes. This, to me, is not characteristic of teenagers. It’s characteristic of children.

Continuing here: She has control over her emotions. She has no barriers to them. Her default state is high energy, obsessed with joy and merriment and entertainment. When Spinel is reset, the trauma that has set in makes her emotions volatile, easily triggered and aggressive over the idea that she might not be the center of attention. While these are traits teenagers might have, I don’t think of them as teenager traits. I think of these as childish traits. When teenagers are this clingy, this cutesy, this bubbly, this emotionally unstable, I do not think “Ah, I typical teen”. I think “You need to grow up. You should be learning to be better than this.”

This does get a bit more complicated if you factor in trauma or other mental health issues, but despite people being very insistent about this idea, Spinel is in no way meant to reflect someone who is neuroatypical. You may read her as such, but to say that was authorial intent or to state that she objectively is a representation of BPD, or severe autism, just isn’t true. But, again, please feel free to headcanon her that way and have interesting discussions.

Pre-Abandonment Spinel is a Baby Pre-Abandonment Spinel appears to be a child in literally every way to me, and I really don’t see how you can see her as anything else. We see Spinel and Pink interacting in the garden during the song montage. Spinel plays hide and seek and juggles, she bounces around and clings to Pink. Pink’s behavior goes from amused to rapidly exhausted of her antics. The faces Pink makes, the way she interacts with Spinel, is very much an adult attempting to humor a child. And, in a way, this is one of the things Spinel intentionally represents. Spinel is a children’s show watching her audience move on. Quote from Rebecca: “[Spinel] is also about that pain of making cartoons, understanding that your audience might move on and leave you behind, and how ridiculous that can make you feel.”

I mean, as cruel as it is, people seem to miss exactly how Pink’s abandonment works here. She’s playing the quiet game with Spinel! “Let’s see who can be quiet the longest!” It’s an attempt from an adult or an older teenager to get a child to behave, incentivizing them through a game. This is absolutely something you do to a child, and Spinel responds in a childlike way by playing the game. I cannot see Spinel as anything other than a child pre-abandonment.

I also think it’s important to note that Spinel is given as a child’s toy, created to be a best friend in the same way you give a toddler a plastic steering wheel. This is an act of pure condescension of the other Diamonds towards Pink, a way to say “You do not want responsibility or respect or independence. You’re simply bored. You tricycle is just as good as car keys.” Spinel is intended to be a way to shut Pink up about her own colony. A child’s toy for a child who outgrows her nearly instantly.

Reset Spinel is a Baby Reset Spinel’s ideas of play are simple and childish. She wants to play tag and make silly faces and wrap Steven up in big hugs. Spinel talks to Steven the way Dora the Explorer talks to her audience. “Maybe, if we put the pieces together, we can solve this puzzle!” She’s silly, and wacky. She’s an outdated children’s cartoon, which makes her feel like a child.

I would argue this is the reason why Steven is so frustrated with Spinel and why Spinel is a villain for timeskip Steven specifically. Little baby feral gremlin S1 Steven would adore Spinel. What child wouldn’t like her? A best friend who plays silly games with whacky smiles who wants to put all her attention on you? Reset Spinel is a dream come true for a little kid.

Big Boy Neck Steven, however, becomes her babysitter throughout. Spinel is playing, joking, dancing around. I’ve seen some people argue that it wasn’t ever a game for Spinel, and I honestly don’t see it. Spinel before she was abandoned, and reset Spinel, are absolutely playing around nonstop. That’s what they’re made for. Just like Pearl exists to serve, and Ruby exists to guard, Spinel exists to play. Steven has to tend to her, has to be amused by her, lest he upset her. Steven is a teenager babysitting a child.

Eyeliner Spinel is a Child’s Tantrum So, here’s where I feel the biggest divergence will come from different people. I feel like people think of Spinel as an adult, or a teenager, because Spinel possesses power and speaks as an adult. She’s voiced by an adult who makes no effort to sound younger. But even here, even at what feels like her most adult moments, I truly cannot think of her as mature in the slightest.

When Spinel gets her memories back, she still expects Steven to be her emotional labor. She can’t control her emotions. She can’t control her actions. Steven must always be on guard to never upset her. This is, again, something I see as extremely childish - and that’s being charitable. If it’s not childish, this is abusive. This is toxic. A child can be excused from not being able to understand and lashing out at the people around them, because they are young and need to learn to behave better. As an adult, this is simply unacceptable.

It is not mature or adult to demand that others be perpetually on guard at risk of offending you. It is not normal for a teenager to try to physically harm others because they are feeling upset. It is not the behavior of anything but a child to demand that people become your friend, that they devote their time and energy to taking care of your emotional needs, that you become the center of their world.

Spinel may have power, and a cute accent, and the vocabulary and accent of a character out of Popeye, but there is not a single action she takes that I can read as anything other than childish, assuming that this is a character who is not dealing with a mental health disorder.

Spinel needs to be tended to. She needs to be coddled. She needs affirmation and help to become a better person. Help is not bending over backwards to her every desire. Help is not giving in to her tantrums. Help is not allowing her to cling to people like a useless sack of potatoes. Help is slowly guiding her away from her dependencies, to be more self-reliant and to care for herself so she does not demand all the emotional energy and attention of those around her.

I think she’s a child who needs to grow up. The chapter of CLU has Connie gently guiding Spinel’s attention away from the people she clings to, and she does so through the same childish games Spinel loves more than anything else in the world. That’s why I wrote it that way, and that’s how I see Spinel as she appears in the movie.

However, I love everyone’s different interpretations of her! So, you know, write and draw what you love! Multiple interpretations can and should exist!

[sparkles-and-trash]

My fav 3 versions/interpretations of South Park characters thing!

I’m so sorry this took much longer than anticipated, I was gonna do it Friday but then I had a panic attack for the first time in forever because my CFS have been real bad lately and I was in such bad shape my BFF had to come and smack me back to life, and Sunday was suddenly full on breakdown day, a bad BPD episode and yeah, it was rough, but today I’m doing better and I realize nobody really cares about my personal issues lol but I just have a need to excuse myself here and I realize that’s kinda dumb but here we are ANYWAYS I hope these are okay, and that these are in no way the RIGHT interpretations, just my personal favorites! 

Kyle:

suggested by the wonderful  @otherluces <3

#1 

I’m not gonna lie, I love nerdy, preppy Kyle. Sweater-vests, collard shirts, doesn’t realize how attractive he is Kyle, oblivious to people having crushes on him Kyle, set on Harvard to become a lawyer and fight for justice and argue for a living, yanno? 

#2 

I also really like the more dorky and nerdy Kyle, where he has really niché interests that he gets totally invested in and talks about 24/7, loves reading and studying, but not just to get good results, but because he genuinly enjoys it.

#3

The last version I can think of with him, is the tall, lanky and kinda hard to read Kyle. He keeps a lot of his feelings to himself, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them. He plays basketball, he’s good at it too, and while he does well in school and everyone expects him to go into law, he has some totally different dream he keeps to himself for now. He kinda perks up a bit when in smaller crowds, esp with his cloest friends, but he still carries a lot of secrets that some time needs to come out.

Tweek:

suggested by my new fren  @soft-craig-and-tweek ^^

I like Tweek in so many ways these were hard to pick, but I’mma try to narrow it down a bit and not go totally off haha

#1

I actually quite enjoy the jagged, tired Tweek, the one who with help from friends and family manage to get off the meth his parents feed him secretly, but who still struggle with withdrawal, dark bags under his eyes, kinda pale and with sharp features, but he’s still a sweet and kind boy, a boy who wants to make the right choices and change the world to a better place, but who still has a darkness he carries, and the fact that he never gives up that fight is what makes him so special 

#2

and okay I have to be honest, I do love myself some sunshine boy Tweek. This Tweek still has issues, he is maybe even more anxious than the last one, but he’s also just as vibrant and energetic as he is anxious! He is an artist, he paints with bright colors, he composes beautiful, hopeful melodies, he feels everything so much,  and he is a contagious and exciting person to be around. Cannot dress for the life of him. So much mis-match and odd outfits, but it kinda works? 

#3

The last one I’m gonna mention for this wonderful boy, is the more alternative Tweek. He writes obscure poetry, he watches too many conspiracy theory videos on youtube, he draws the monsters in his mind, and he writes the scariest, most hauntingly beautiful stories on the internet, and people online love him. He has no idea how to deal with being popular in that sense, because irl he is the type to not belong to a certain friend group, but he does go along well with most people on a surface level. Dark circles, shaky hands, crooked and cute smiles, baggy t-shirts and ripped jeans. When he first opens up to someone, he really, really does, and he will always support and be there for you. If you deserve it, that is. 

Nichole: 

also suggested by  @soft-craig-and-tweek <3 

#1

I love nerdy Nichole who isn’t afraid to show it! Maybe she’s a streamer or youtube gamer even, I can def see her writing fanfiction, and being hella good at it too! Makes quite a name for herself online, and hangs out with the boys a lot irl, has game nights with the boys from Board Girls (even Cartman sometimes), is funny in a sarcastic way, but never mean. 

#2

Popular girl Nichole is also a favorite for me, but not in the “classical” sense. I imagine her to be a sporty, maybe on both the basket and volleyball team, captain for the basket one, she’s a born leader, she’s kind and fair, but can also be strict, and people always trust her to be honest and true.  

#3

Artsy Nichole!! I imagine her in bright yellow dresses and with her hair flowing and free, with flowers in her hair, freckles on her face, a big, genuine smile, a loud laughter that is so contagious, she loves spending time with Jimmy because they have a very similar humor, and she’s a theater kid, she sings like an angel and can act, oh boy can she act, she can make anyone laugh or cry in just a blink of an eye, she’s just a human sun-ray and I love her a lot 

Butters: 

suggested by @kinguidamundo, thank you so much!! 

#1

I love edgy Butters soooo much??? Like, he’s still a kind and bright boy, but he can also stand up for himself a lot more, he likes fashion a lot, he gets tattoos and piercings, he explores tons of ways to express himself, he’s a yes-dude, he goes out on dates a lot, but isn’t ready for a “real” relationship yet, but he enjoys meeting people and testing out himself around different types of people! Also he is a bi icon change my mind jk u can’t 

#2

I have a weak spot for the kind of soft and timid looking Butters too, who wears pastel colors and have big, innocent eyes, he is genuine and kind, but he carries something darker inside, something he isn’t sure how to deal with, something that scares him, but in reality it’s just normal feelings, anger, resentment and fear, but he’s lived his life ignoring them so much they catch him off guard at times. He learns to live with them slowly, and he does so with lots of help and patience from friends and loved ones. 

#3

Okay, last one, totally self-indulging here, but yeah, happy sunflower boy is also a big favorite. He is more confident than the previous version, but in a gullible way if that makes any sense? He believes the best in people, and if he is proven wrong, he’s willing to try to help them become better people, if they want to or not! This is honestly the version I love most with Stan, Butters being the ray of sunshine in Stan’s life and Stan being the realism to keep Butters grounded and them both supporting each other so much? Fuck yeah that’s the good stuff. 

Clyde:

suggested by @horrorpumpkin, ty sm friend! <3 

#1

Himbo Clyde!!! Jock dude who genuinely loves sports, he’s a team player, and while he might not be super intellectual, he is very socially smart, he is kind and empathic, he is funny and likable, he always tries his best to make everyone feel included, and while he loves chicks a lot, and is a sexual dude, he does it with nothing but respect and admiration for the ladies! 

#2

Bisexual disaster Clydeeee <3 obv being bi isn’t a personality trait, but he is very open about it, he wants to be confident and good at flirting, but goddamn is he a MESS! He’s also a huge supporter of every single relationship his friends is in, he loves love, in all shapes and forms, he is emotional and kind and awkward in an endearing way. 

#3

Can’t leave out crybaby Clyde, can we now? He’s a bit of an awkward bean as well, but he owns it a bit more. He is kinda like a puppy, a cute, excitable and emotional puppy who loves his friends, video games and lazy movie nights, kinda chubby, he loves baking and does it a lot with Tweek, he is also a huge nerd for Harry Potter and totally geek out over it with Kyle and Nichole sdhlksgdhl

Kenny: 

suggested by anon! 

#1

First up I guess I should put my high school AU Kenny. I know it’s controversial, but I imagine this Kenny to be more on the quiet side, but not really in a shy way. He’s just a bit of an observer who doesn’t speak unless he really sees fit, and while he still has his crude humor and is kinda rumored to be sleeping around a lot, he actually struggle with intimacy issues. He never imagined them to include sexual stuff, but turns out they do, and balancing being sexually open and curious and having these issues ain’t easy on the boy, let me tell you that. 

#2

This one is kinda heavily inspired by Luces, but I love him as kind and loyal, but also a bit more chatty and charming, but not for his own gain. He wants others to feel good about themselves, in social settings, his friends, during sexy times, he is selfless and good, but he is also living for the moment, he is a likable and wonderful guy, but he does still only REALLY open up emotionally to people he really trusts. Not traditionally attractive, but interesting looking in a way. Lots of freckles, bit of buck teeth with a big gap between his front teeth, messy kinda curly hair, long straight nose. Always wears baggy hoodies and worn out jeans, shrugs and gives that lopsided smile when people ask him about anything personal.

#3

Mysterious Kennyyyy. You think you know him, everyone does, but in reality, very few have seen the real him. He likes people, and he likes to help them, he’s always down to listen to people’s problems and help them, he wants to inspire kids like himself to never give up and think there’s only one path for them, because he knows there is not. Volunteers at the animal shelter with Stan, works part time at Tweek Bro’s and is good buddies with Tweek. Had a early sexual debut, slept around a bit and got his heart broken unexpectedly when he was a Freshman, so there are some walls there now, but he ain’t usually one to turn down someone who’s up for it and whom with he has good chemistry either. 

[just-bpd-thoughts]

What does a BPD relationship look like? I'm newly self-diagnosed & I just feel like every guy hates me after a while. Even though I'm not sure that they do? I just feel like I have nothing unique to offer & someone else does. I feel like a burden & I don't want to open up & make them think I'm crazy (because I already feel crazy). I get into these emotional retreats and will spend days silently crying myself to sleep beside them so they don't know I'm hurting. If anyone can help, please.

I definitely know how you feel. In several past romantic encounters I've felt like I was too complex and crazy for the people I had feelings for, and sometimes I was, which is alright. Not everyone is mentally equipped to love someone with bpd. It can take patience and understanding.

More importantly, it's okay to be a complicated person. It's okay to have bpd. Not everyone will understand, and some of those people won't be willing to try. That isn't because you suck or because you aren't good enough, because those things aren't true! Having a mental illness isn't something that you can control, and it's hard to manage, especially when you don't have professional help. That can have an impact on relationships, even more so if the mental illness is bpd. It's hard for us to process and comprehend feelings of insecurity and paranoia, and that can cause internal and external damage.

While those feelings are valid, they are usually irrational, which can be hard for you to identify, analyze, and unpack. The solution to this is to communicate. Your partner should know how you're feeling so they can try to help you work through those emotions, specifically when they're worries about your bond with them. For example, last week was my six month anniversary with my girlfriend, and I wrote her an essay about how much she means to me, and then read it to her aloud. It made me feel particularly vulnerable, and then through the rest of the day, she seemed more quiet and distracted than usual. It bothered me and had me anxious for several hours before I very calmly asked if she was out of it because of something I said, and she said that it wasn't, she was just h1gh (lol)

Your significant other is there to support you emotionally and to make sure you're okay. It's alright to ask for comfort when you're feeling bad, whether it be a discussion, an agreement, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a date night, or just some snuggles. Not only is it fine to ask for, but you deserve that solace and care.

To answer the question "what does a bpd relationship look like" would be pointless, because they don't all look the same. They have similar patterns of behavior, but the other party is a variable that has a large effect on the dynamic of the relationship. What a healthy bpd relationship looks like, though, is open honesty, trust, care, understanding, communication, patience, clear boundaries, and thoughtfulness.

I would offer more sage relationship advice but this is very long as is and has taken awhile to write. However, i have the privilege of having been in therapy for a long time, and I recently became much more enlightened about mental health and relationships. If you ever have any other questions I gotchu 🤙🤙

[onisiondrama]

PART 18 - videos #34 &35

(Click here for video mirrors) - These are not my words or thoughts, I’m just summarizing what Greg / James is saying in his videos. Apologies for any offensive language or comments that may appear. - I am not repeating stories anymore and will replace these stories with brackets describing what he’s talking about. If you don’t know these stories you’re going to have to go back and read previous parts or watch his previous videos.

asking you [deleted?]

- He’s asking you to do something because he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to. He forgot to crop the top of a screen shot and he lost his Patreon, Younow, a couple other things, his twitch was temporarily suspended. He can’t do much to defend himself so he’s asking people to not be a sheeple. Look closely at what Sarah said in the beginning about grooming and photos and look at what she said recently. This is how you expose a liar. Their story changes based on their emotions and not reality. Classic BPD. Sarah’s twitter might disappear because of this video. [Threatened him, laughing at burning house, cocaine, prescription drugs] Document all these facts for him. She got a lawyer to silence him. Download all her videos about Greg and Kai. All someone would have to do is show them in court. Boom. Conflicting statements. When nothing adds up, you lose the court case. He asks you to make a video of all her statements. - He wants people to research. [She went after him because his BPD video.] Someone on discord said everyone involved has BPD. Greg says Billie doesn’t. The person says it seems like Billie just does what everyone tells her to do and agrees with them even if it’s not true. Greg says Ayalla has BPD or bi-polar and is Billie’s best friend. When Social Repose was threatening to expose Ayalla if she kept hanging out with Greg, she was running around crying. He doesn’t know if Ayalla will admit this, but she was marching around in his basement doing the sieg hail while saying the n word. He says she might be Jewish so he doesn’t know if that’s ok. Greg says he’s speechless. There were witnesses. Billie and Sarah saw it and Kai might have been there too. Greg says he dressed up as Hitler for a comedy sketch and has done the sieg hail as that character, but the hard r. He says he’s bleeped out “nidder” to sound like he’s saying it. - They have a text from Sarah saying it’s funny Ayalla is going after them when she tried to get Sarah to starve herself and sleep with her. This whole thing is a mess. - You can get this info yourself. You can look back at everything he said about Shiloh in the last 8 years. He says it’s weird Shiloh is older than Kai. - Someone wrote to Greg about when Shiloh was talking about BDSM, Greg doesn’t think their relationship was BDSM. He wasn’t into the collar stuff until Billie. She was the first person he explored that with. She was cool about it, even the basement thing until he broke up with her. This person said listening to Shiloh aroused him and he couldn’t control himself. Greg says that’s weird and he can’t use that in a video.

the episodes

- Greg announces he has things to do today so he doesn’t have a lot of time. - He was written again by the guy that gratified himself after hearing someone’s story about their relationship with Greg. This person offered Greg $250, Greg doesn’t know why. The guy’s email pointed out it’s weird everyone who is talking about the past seems so satisfied with themselves and not very sad about it. Greg says it’s weird Sarah created a twitter account just to attack him. You have to ask yourself what a victim would do and what someone who’s malicious would do? Would a victim start a twitter to obsess over and attack someone for 6 months? Probably not. [Real victims don’t want to talk about it, blah blah] It’s not like anyone who has PTSD from going to Iraq want to talk about how they accidentally shoot a little boy in the desert. One of Sarah’s first tweets was “I F-ED ONISION.” He says a real victim’s first tweet would be “please respect this. I’m talking to the police or a lawyer. I need to keep this private to keep the case integrity intact.” Going on a tirade of hateful tweet after hateful tweet and laughing at this person’s misery is what she did. [Laughed at his house burning, she said she would assault him.] Says a real victim might threaten to assault someone, but not laugh at the thought of someone’s house burning down. - Apparently a pizza delivery guy’s name was Greg and Sarah recorded herself telling him he has the same name as her ex boyfriend. She told him he was cuter than her ex, then gave him the tip. This is obviously not normal behavior. - Person in the email points out Chris Hansen’s dissatisfaction when Sarah admitted nothing happened when she was underage. Apparently Hansen was very upset about that because his whole thing is catching people who do things with underage people. When the main person who is behind all this is saying nothing happened when she was underage the whole thing would fall apart. - Greg has a theory you guys are dysfunctional or you would have seen the signs of Sarah doing things victims don’t normally do. You don’t go around bragging about it. You enabled her because you wanted it to be real, You need to look in the mirror and see what you’ve done. You raised tens of thousands of dollars paying a liar, good job on that [sarcastic]. - Multiple people sent him all of Sarah’s tweets so he could use them in court. He hasn’t reviewed them yet or the streams because they're painful to look at. That’s what people normally do when they don’t feel good about someone. They don’t start twitter and obsess over them. They want to avoid that person, that’s why he kicked her out of his life. - The person in the email said they gratified them self after hearing Shiloh’s story. Greg says that’s weird and odd, but this person told Greg what Shiloh said and that was the first time he heard it. [He broke up with Shiloh, she cheated, baby] Ever since then she’s been creepy with him. Shiloh, Sarah, and Billie apparently have been very good with keeping up with him, which is weird. Move on already. - He says apparently Shiloh said they would do it three times a day. Greg says that’s accurate, but then says it’s not. The first time they met, they had sex 8 times in 12 hours. The second time, he was moving to Canada for 3 months, they slept together 7 times in one thing. He was puking orange juice because he had too much vitamin C. She was rubbing his back and was very sweet and considerate. Says Hansen implied BDSM, but he doesn’t remember being kinky with Shiloh. He just got out of a marriage with someone who he barely slept with. - Greg says there is a person on adult sites who always rolls her eyes back and has seizures from the joy her body’s feeling. That’s what Shiloh would do all the time, which was crazy and awesome. Shiloh would tell him it was insane he could keep going and going with her. That was intense and cool. The first girl he was ever with and Shiloh had a weird thing in common. At some point they would zone out while doing it. [He demonstrates] He would ask if they’re ok and if he should keep going. They would tell him, “yeah, keep going [in a whisper]”. Greg says it’s weird, like they’re taking a break. That’s why he doesn’t know what anyone’s talking about with BDSM. That’s the weirdest thing they did. - Greg says there’s a similar video to the fake seizure video, the video where Shiloh keeps saying she loves him while pretending to be in an altered state. If you watch it you can clearly see something is mentally wrong. If a therapist or a psychologist looks at the footage they could probably diagnose her. It was one of the weirdest things in the world. She portrayed it to be real. He thought it was partially fake, that’s why he recorded it. Back then he was one of those Youtubers who would film anything because he wanted views. - There was another video where she reverted back years in her life and acted like she didn’t know who he was or where she was. If you see these videos, you know they’re fake. She’s very good at pretending. He recommends you watch them all to build a mental profile and realize there’s something wrong with her.  [cheated, baby, Aliana] - Chris Hansen was willing to believe the most nonsensical stuff because he wanted something to be there. People watched Billie, Shiloh, and Sarah. He doesn’t know how people feel about Billie. They were upset she was boring because she didn’t have enough dirt, probably because she doesn’t have BPD. Sarah and Shiloh most likely have BPD. Sarah was on meds. If you look up Shiloh’s last boyfriend, he went in depth about what she did to him. [He went to jail, text got him off.] You see a lot of intent and evil. [Not how victims behave, he dumped them, malicious] It’s obvious when you look at it for what it is. Get woke.

[sunsetsover]

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline  personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality  (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

[lemonaderaid]

hufflepuff-rave, abuse, and the missing husband thing: from her ex friend’s point of view

this is about whole “abusive wife”/”missing husband” situation, and what i know about mel (dillon’s abuser and wife) through being her close friend for 5+ years. it’s a long post, so there’s your warning.

here’s another ample content warning for abuse, misgendering, gaslighting, and general...drama? i guess? here we go kiddos!

after this post, particularly with this reblog went pretty viral both on here and on facebook recently, i figured it was my time to step up along with my friend, @jackstoney , and personally come out in support of all of the abuse accusations that have been made against mel, as i was one of her closest friends for 5+ years.

as jack did in his post, i’m simply going to be referring to her as “mel” because i would prefer that she NOT get stalked, harassed, doxxed, etc. as i said, i used to be her friend, and thus i still do have some regard for her and her mom’s personal safety and privacy despite the fact that they’re bad people.

to make my stance on dillon himself quite clear from the outset, i was always fed really varying information about him from mel herself. as exhibited by her blog, if you go and search “dillon” and scroll back a bit far, you’ll see that she has wildly varying, black and white perspectives about him. that’s how it was when we talked, and that’s how she is about seemingly everyone; particularly her ex boyfriends. if you search “brayden” or “jackson” on her blog, you’ll get pretty similar posts. the point is that i don’t know what’s true or false about dillon’s life and personality, i just know the information she’s told me or that i’ve seen on her facebook or tumblr. as i said, we were friends for 5 years, and i knew her before she ever met dillon.

as jack explains pretty sufficiently in his post, which i linked above, mel has a very obsessive, very clingy and overbearing personality, and a high probability of mental illness associated with the drastic lengths she’ll go to to keep someone trapped in really any kind of relationship with her. THIS IS NOT INHERENTLY A BAD THING. i’m not a professional, and i won’t make an armchair diagnosis based on what i know about her, but i will say that she’s never mentioned to me anything about trying to improve and work beyond her numerous issues. (unlike how she is presently trying to pin a schizophrenia diagnosis on dillon after only speaking on the phone to a doctor herself, ONCE.)

i felt this way when i was friends with her, very much so. this sideblog of hers, particularly these three posts (1 , 2 , 3) are about me, and the fact that, while we were friends, i decided to do matching icons with my still-current boyfriend on facebook. this happened on a couple of occasions because we found neat looking icons and, since we were, yknow, partners, we figured it’d be cool to match for a couple weeks. as you can see by the posts i linked, mel didn’t like this. at all

here’s another sideblog of hers that she made for dillon to post about her...let’s just call it unhealthy obsession, as shown pretty well by this particular tag. WARNING: some very nsfw stuff is on here

here are a few texts i have from her to me talking about how, despite having NEVER ONCE spoken to my boyfriend and actively refusing to talk to him even though i said i’d like them to meet, she’s extremely “possessive” of me

little unimportant note: she refers to herself as kyle and me as stan because she was really into south park, and she saw those two characters as having a similar relationship to ours

coming from a person who has bpd (me), this all, to me, rings very familiar and relatable bells in my head. keep in mind i’m not accusing her of having it, but coming from someone who is very overprotective of their friends and datemate(s) (frank and i are poly), this all sounds like the reasoning my brain tries to do with itself when anyone befriends a person who gives me “bad vibes”. the thing is that i don’t actively silence my friends or whoever from talking about a person that makes them happy just because of the fact i don’t know them. this is something she NEVER tried to avoid doing. she was always upfront with me about how much frank unnerved her, despite never meeting them and ignoring their attempts to try and assure her that they weren’t trying to take me away.

the following screenshots are about the decision jack made to break up with her shortly after he’d gone back to california to try and look for a job (his post has more necessary context, but the idea is that he was basically trying to make more efforts to get his life to be stable and not go completely broke, and needed to break up with her seeing as her clinginess made him incredibly worn out).

unfortunately, i don’t have that message i sent to the group chat anymore, and i’m afraid i don’t remember what i said, but i know it was a pretty long message about how her coping methods to get over jack (i.e.; getting back with dillon) wasn’t actually helping her and i could see her mental state going to shit

now would also probably be a good time to mention some of the other things she’s done, but i don’t deem to be as relevant to this particular situation such as purposefully misgendering me (using the wrong pronouns, calling me her “sister”, making and getting me heavily gendered gifts she knew i was uncomfortable with), and frequently trying to make people stop talking about their interests and focus on ONLY hers instead, at all times. i do have screenshots of one particular instance of this, but this post is long enough and i feel that those complaints about her character would detract from the main point

long story short, as i’m sure you all are confidently aware at this point, mel is a horrible, manipulative, abusive, and toxic person and SHOULD be avoided at all costs. though I myself am concerned for dillon’s safety at the moment, as no one’s really quite sure where he is, I think that ultimately he would’ve been more unsafe if he stayed with her, judging by these screenshots of his brother’s comment on mel’s facebook post:

EDIT: i forgot to blur out his brother’s name when i originally posted this, and an anon pointed out to me that i probably should, so i did! please respect dillon’s family’s privacy!

i’m very happy that dillon chose to try and run and escape. i’m concerned for his safety right now but i hope he turns up soon, safe and sound, and away from mel forever.

i’d like to personally apologize to dillon, if he ever ends up reading this post somehow, for being extremely judgmental and distrustful of him because of the information mel was feeding me. i don’t know how much of it is true or untrue, but despite everything, i hope you find peace wherever you choose to go. i’m happy you got out. i’m proud of you, i’m proud of jack, i’m proud of myself, and i’m proud of anyone who chooses to break away from an abuser to start over. it’s hard, but you can fucking do it.

if you ever see this, please feel free to get in touch with me if you need help. i’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot, if you even knew very much about my existence to begin with; but i sincerely hope you’re doing alright now. -bre

oh yeah, and to mel,

fuck you.

in closing, i’m gonna leave you with the final message i sent to mel to cut off our friendship, cuz i feel like it might end up helping someone going through a hard time with their abuser? idk, but i can always hope. here it is

[curlyjoe7]

Forming Your Own Opinions.

First off - major trigger warning for rape, manipulation and abuse. Second off - this is an adult conversation, between adults and only adults. I don’t want any arguments just informed debate. If you don’t know the situation then don’t speak. If you don’t like my opinion, agree to disagree, unfollow or block and move on. Everyone has the right to express their thoughts, all arguing will result in being blocked. Third off - I know this is old and no one wants to hear about it anymore but I just formed an opinion on it which I want to talk about. Sorry if hearing about it bothers you.

For the longest time and still even so now I have had the mentality: go with the popular opinion or just be quiet and you will be liked. Which is very toxic. I am obsessed with being liked, being plastic and letting others control my thoughts. I’m trying to get away from that though and this is my first step. Stating a controversial opinion. A big one. Very big. It’s hard for me, the whole thing has thrown me into a few severe anxiety attacks but I have to do this to get better or I never will. I’m super nervous and I’m ready to be hated or as ready as I possibly can be whilst simultaneously freaking out. So what’s my opinion? That Melanie Martinez is innocent. Just hear me out. Here’s why I think she’s innocent:

I was a big Melanie fan at the time of the rape accusations. At first when I heard it I thought “wow this is terrible, she’s a rapist” and cancelled her. It was really hard but I knew it was the best thing to do. After all it’s better to side with a potential victim than a potential rapist, right? I also knew nothing about the backstory so I had nothing to work off of but the word of someone I didn’t know existed and the statement “she never said no to what we chose to do together.” I as many thought that was a dumb excuse, just because someone doesn’t say no doesn’t mean it means yes. But like I said, I had no backstory so I moved on and unfanned Melanie, as hard as it was for me. Randomly I thought of it again, in the past week, and wondered if there was anything else about it. Looked it up and well... there’s a ton. I want to make a disclaimer that when looking at all the evidence, I took into consideration both sides. I was completely unbiased in this despite my past love of Melanie. Rape is a serious issue and should be treated like that not just excused because you like the person who is accused of it. Though with what I was learning, Timothy’s story seemed fishy with some holes. So I did more digging. First let’s get the story clear of what supposedly happened:

And that’s it basically. That’s the story, coming straight from her Twitter. Pretty horrifying, manipulating and wrong. Makes you feel bad for Timothy. But it doesn’t end there. After she released that statement Melanie released her own:

Many people thought it was her admitting to it and claiming it wasn’t rape because she let it happen. Which had us thinking she was guilty as sin. Until Timothy started releasing more information. Apparently that same day they went to a thrift shop and picked up a game that included a blindfold, handcuffs, and a dice that said things like “lick leg.” Which she never mentioned at all before. Originally Timothy said that Melanie bought it but then later said she herself did. Which is odd since she stated she has been abused before and sexual stuff made her uncomfortable. But whatever she said she thought it would be funny. Now here’s where it gets weird, she never mentioned the game before, right?Maybe she forgot? Sure that’s reasonable. They played the game on June 25th 2015 according to Timothy in an interview:

At Melanie’s house. Melanie’s house is in LA. This is important because with further information, she was in New York performing on stage that day. She even made an Instagram post about it:

And fans have pictures of her on stage. You notice how her hair is blonde and black in this pic? Well to support her cause Timothy posted a picture of Melanie the night it happened:

Her hair is a different color. And on her phone it shows up as May 6th, 2015. She claims it’s because her iCloud is messed up and that pictures of her recently showed up at being in 2011:

I went to Melanie’s Instagram to see her hair color May 6th, 2015 and just look:

On May 2nd her hair was that color in the picture. It’s actually really easy to change dates on your iCloud too. That’s... odd. But there’s even more, I believe she said they stopped being freinds after that but I know she said they stopped being friends in 2016, yet in 2017 she said this:

Okay. Change it once, maybe you forgot but if she changed it twice and still got it wrong? Suspicious. She actually has changed a lot of the story, multiple times. She said originally she didn’t want to go to the cops because she was afraid they wouldn’t believe her then said on her Instagram Live that yeah it’s bad but not murder so she doesn’t deserve to go to jail. So which is true? I mean it doesn’t matter her reason, it’s her decision but why is the reason changing? In Timothy’s original statement she mentioned some of Melanie’s fans became her fans but their loyalty never strayed from Melanie. That’s... irrelevant. But is it actually? Melanie was supposed to release a new album one month later. Which didn’t end up happening and when you went to Timothy’s Twitter at the time she had a pinned tweet for her song. Kinda weird but okay, it was probably there before. But why mention the loyalty of her fans never straying from her? Like I said, it’s irrelevant to the topic but not to her potential motives. They started their careers at the same time and Melanie was more popular too. And apparently started focusing on her music more than her friends so both of these might be the reason why. Seems reasonable. Now of course I wanted to check the stuff on Melanie’s side too but all I found was the original statement and this one:

Which in my opinion does clear up the “she never said no” thing. I think what she was trying to say is, Timothy didn’t say no multiple times like she said she did and that Melanie would never have sex with someone without their complete confirmation. Maybe even she meant she didn’t say no to the game they played. Though it could mean: “She never said no, I didn’t act on when she did say no but pressured her to give in.” And what Melanie says in this statement: “I trusted so many people in my life who took advantage of that trust for their own personal gain” supports the fact Timothy did it for fame. She also mentioned that in her song she released on Spotify called Piggyback that goes:

Trusted too many people while I was still young

Gave them the benefit of the doubt, I was so wrong

I cut them off and they came for blood cause they know

They ain’t getting no more

I’m so done playing piggyback

Swear to god I wished y’all all the best

You’re lying your way to try to gain a piece of me

When you could never come close cause I know my destiny

I worked hard for my shit

Put my love in this shit

Now you’re trying to kill my name for some fame

What is this?

Tried to help you do your shit

Encouraged you to work on it

Was a good friend and you used that to your advantage

Timothy did mention when Melanie blew up that she didn’t have time anymore for her and that she wanted to focus on her fans and music. So it does make sense that she did this for attention, to hurt Melanie. Even so the way Melanie worded her statement originally, doesn’t help her cause. Just made her look worse. The second statement however does clear it up in my opinion. With all the evidence and what Melanie said, it’s 1 point she’s guilty to multiple that she’s innocent. Even if you don’t like her you can’t deny that. There may be more points towards her being guilty as well, I’m not sure but this is all I could find, though there is just too many points towards her being innocent. In reality though none of this is fact, it’s just evidence and even evidence can be fake or twisted sometimes. Here’s a few more things about Timothy though and this story:

She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but yet is willing to keep bringing it up. She dressed up as Melanie in 2016, a year after the rape, why would you put yourself through so much pain and do that? Idk just seems like it would hurt you more but she did love her so maybe that’s why: she was trying to deny the truth because of how much she loved her. She also suffers from BPD (Boarderline Personality Disorder) which I hate to bring up, just because she has a mental illness doesn’t mean she would do something fucked up. Just because anyone has a mental illness doesn’t mean it’s the reason for everything. Mental illness doesn’t equal bad morals but it can lead you to do bad things. Trust me I know, I have depression, anxiety and OCD. My OCD causes me to try to avoid particular things which I don’t always do in a nice way. I hurt people because I don’t want to deal with something related to it. This could be the same situation. The symptoms of BPD do explain why she would do this to hurt Melanie. For example some of the symptoms for BPD are pervasive instability in moods, distaste of one’s self image, insecurity and problems with interpersonal relationships. It seems logical with that info why she would do it if she is lying. Not to mention Timothy has claimed abuse on past bandmates of her old band Dresses where she only stayed cause they needed her voice. She has the history to make claims, I have no idea if it’s true though. She also allegedly molested a 16 year old girl. Also unsure if that’s true but if she did that she might have based the story on what she did since the story is quite similar. Regardless, here’s my complete opinion on the matter:

Timothy made it up for attention because she was jealous Melanie was focusing on her music not her and that she wasn’t as popular, probably a lot being because of her BPD. She knew a story like this would get attention and people would believe with the rising amount of sexual assault victims coming forward. So she posted it and then remembered she knew she had that picture of the game so she started basing it around that, picking a random date and saying it happened at Melanie’s house cause they are in her house in the pic, not knowing what Melanie actually did that day. However though she forgot the picture was dated and tried to blow it off as her iCloud being messed up which she supported by changing the date on recent pictures to awhile ago. And also she can’t remember parts of her story so she makes up new stuff and changes stuff a lot. Then she goes on to social media shading her and posting things about how hard it is to get empathy. Stuff like the picture on her IG story which is her crying (it just looks like she put in eyedrops to me) I would post but I hit the picture limit. She even contacted her friends to get in on it to make it look legit. She hasn’t gone to the cops because she knows they will find it bs and she’ll be revealed as lying. Most juries which are meant to be unbiased would side with Melanie because of the evidence so if it is false that explains why she hasn’t gone to the cops. And if it is real, honey if you don’t remember a part just say you don’t remember, it’s not helping your cause.

But that’s just my opinion, everyone has their own. There is probably even more to this that I don’t know but I shared everything I do. Though regardless let’s remember no side has concrete proof. To me everyone is innocent until proven guilty. You can’t really call her a good or a bad person and say it’s fact because you don’t know the truth. You can however support her by forming an opinion based on your own view of the situation. That doesn’t make you a bad person or someone who is defending rape. And to everyone who believes it: don’t get on the people who think it’s bullshit. You can’t deny there is a lot of holes in the story. And it doesn’t make you look better or woke nor is it siding with a potential rapist, it’s siding with evidence and your opinion. Evidence is better to side with than a potential victim just because they are a potential victim. Some people make stuff up. Even horrible things like that. Also don’t side with Melanie just because you like her, actually do some research and use your brain not your heart. It makes you a horrible person to just support her because “she’s my idol and a true fan would support her even if she’s a rapist!!!” That’s so fucked up. It truly makes me sick to hear delusional stans saying that. People like you are making the situation worse and contributing to rape culture. Delusional stans are also saying if you didn’t believe Melanie from the beginning on this situation you’re not a real fan. Which is not true at all. We are real fans, we just wanted to not instantly believe she didn’t do it because we like her. We wanted to figure out how we see the situation by looking at the evidence before jumping to conclusions. That makes us logical. On a similar note us questioning the situation and trying to find more information on it to form an opinion is also being logical. Not invalidating a potential rape victim. But rather doing the right thing and giving both parties the right to a fair trial. And if any of you are going to say: “why hasn’t Melanie done more about it then?” Would you want to talk about something like this? Something that damaged your career immensely? No, you wouldn’t. If it’s real, I’m sorry Timothy that this happened to you and Melanie deserves consequences. But if it is false, I’m sorry you have to deal with this Melanie and Timothy deserves consequences. Form your own opinion and please be respectful. I’m going to go back to supporting Melanie because I genuinely believe that she didn’t do it. That’s my decision, make your own. And don’t get on Melanie or Timothy, no cyber bullying them. Like I said you don’t know the truth nor do I, only they do. Even if you did being mean gets you nowhere. Now let’s just let this go and move forward from it.

[daazurebanana]

“It is so hard to be a normal person when one is not a normal person.”

Helping Mental Disorders

When I was a senior in high school, I went on a field trip with my English class to Salt Lake City to see a Sundance film. The movie, “Notes on Blindness”, was a true story about a man named John Hull who had a disease that took his sight when he was in his 30s. I remember being totally in awe of the way the film showed blindness, something I never expected to see or feel. Mental disorders are, in a unique way, a kind of blindness. Living with a mental illness is like living in a different world -- one that cannot be understood or lived in by the meager average human like me. Now, I don’t say that to offend, though offense is bound to be taken by someone on this planet, I will verbally stand my ground from where I sit on my couch. You, try as you might, can never truly empathize with me, and I likewise, cannot completely empathize with you no matter how similar we may be. Thus, really, we are all blind in a way. If this is true of two “normal” people, the divide is especially wide between a normal person and one with mental illness. Nevertheless, I don’t mean to imply by this that mental disorders should be eliminated or dismissed. I don’t think mental disorders should be erased. This is a research argument is it not? I merely wish to draw your attention to the goods and evils of mental disorders, whether someone else’s or your own; focusing on clinical depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety as they are found in my family.

Partial Personality Disorder

  A long-time loyal social worker for a foster care facility, one probably wouldn’t immediately assume my step-aunt Sarah suffered from Borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD, also known as an emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD). BPD is a mental disorder similar to bipolar in its propensity to mood swings as a result of abandonment and instability issues in their relationships, make being alone extremely difficult, causing extreme behaviors that tend to drive other people away. It includes symptoms like “self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. The effect BPD has on one’s perception of self and others creates many difficulties in daily life” (Mayo Clinic).

Her development of BPD was in response to the divorce of her parents. Her father and older siblings, while she remained with her mother . As she approached the teenage years, she showed increased symptoms of abandonment issues as is common.  She struggled with cutting, became very volatile, suicidal and promiscuous. The symptoms worsened as she got older until eventually, her mother admitted her to the hospital for treatment. As she became an adult, she was able to gain more control of her moods with the help of education in social work and the natural passage of time. Though Sarah does not mention her diagnosis in the memoir, as she describes the everyday niceties of life and the trials, there is a trace of something off-balanced about the way she describes people and memories which could easily be put down to the cancer she was struggling with, or simply exaggeration (Southey, Sarah).

Although Sarah is not a blood-relative, her disorder intrigues me. According to the Mayo clinic’s page about treating BPD, psychotherapy is the best option. With patience and willingness to make changes, patients could eventually learn to live in a self-reliant manner. Perhaps the most valuable lesson from my step-aunt’s memoir is that no matter when or how it happens, success is often possible. This doesn’t mean it is easy. In a rather hard-to-understand article I perused, the authors said that ‘it cannot be denied that people with mental disorders cannot recover completely and (the illness) will even hamper their productivity” (Agustina Barimbing, Maryati). Certainly, in my aunt’s case, for example, success was delayed by her disorder, but it was not stopped. Sure, not everyone can be an astronaut, but satisfaction with self and achievements is possible. This is possible for anyone by finding knowing personal limits and asking for help when needed. This is true of both people both with and without disabilities.

Bipolar

Memories are stretchy and blurry things, pliable to new information and experiences so I can’t give the exact order of the events of the year I turned six, but I do remember moving to Utah, my mom giving birth to twins, and my dad being admitted to the hospital. My aunt and uncle offered to watch my older sister and me, so we packed some clothes and drove for hours before arriving to be baked alive in the suffocating Las Vegas heat for two weeks (the equivalent of 2 months in kid-years). Being six, I couldn’t understand why I was with these people instead of my own family. Every night I’d sit on my bed with my 16-year-old cousin and sob fat tears as I made her show me how many days were left before I could go home. 

What I couldn’t comprehend at the time was that my father was admitted to the hospital due to a mental breakdown. It was the beginning of a recession and he had just lost his job, been injured in a car accident, become the father of (now) 6 children, and signed a new mortgage. He was thrown into a situation that would have been too much pressure even for someone without his struggles with a mental disorder. That episode was the first of many I can remember--the latest being last week, when he had a severe anxiety attack and was admitted for a week and a half to a mental institution that confiscated every possible danger, right down to his shoelaces.

My father has severe anxiety and bipolar II, meaning instead of having extreme highs and extreme lows, he experiences what is called ‘hypomania’: an emotional spectrum that has less extreme manic episodes and spends more time in the depression, resembling clinical depression. For a very long time I personally--and I am sure I am not alone--have had the tendency to interpret his reaction to stress as weakness. Reflecting on my six-year-old mindset, the belief that when presented with a trial, it is one’s own responsibility to remain strong and to protect those one loves--not to weigh them down, was incorrect. One of the main roadblocks to helping those with and without mental disorders is a difficulty “with self-care and...informing others of their needs” (Arredondo, Emanuel), and being sensitive to the needs for special support without bias is important. Such prejudices is society can be poisonous because issues that arise can’t be solved because the sufferer does not feel they can openly share their feelings.

 In society, vulnerability and sensitivity seem like signs of human weakness; something to be smothered, swallowed and overcome. But that is simply not true. It is true that mental disorders cause problems--to put it mildly. But here is a thought that a friend of mine put to me one day as I was moping around about something: “if it is inevitable, why not be happy about it?” That is not to say that anyone is wrong for being unhappy, but if it is inevitable, why beat ourselves up about it? Depending on the disorder, the reactions in our body that produce the disorder are different. One’s proclivity to having a disorder is not as simple as having one or not having one. In the article “Psychiatric genetics: back to the future," by Carson M. Owen and M. O’Donovan, it is explained that, although there are exceptions, disorders are a result of genes interacting with other genes or genes reacting to the environment. Gene-gene interaction implies that a person has the disorder no matter how the environment interacts with them, whereas gene-environment interaction refers to one developing a disorder as a result of a negative environment. But here’s the thing: both have the potential of disorder either way. Both often become apparent in teenage years to young adulthood when people are faced with a lot of stressful situations and decisions like college, moving away from home, dating, marriage, and starting a career. If stress is the catalyst, how can one a genetic predisposition to avoid a disorder? Although a perfect life is ideal, it is also impossible, as I have shown in the experience of my Aunt Sarah.

So much money and effort is spent on preventing and treating mental disorders, that the concept that mental disorders destroy is drilled into our craniums. But what do they inspire? There is a natural tendency to consider mental illness as something that is a burden. We have a tendency in our lives to see problems and try to fix all of them at once, but what we really need to do is take a breath and figure out what we can and cannot control, and from there press forward. Accepting our weaknesses is not the same thing as being satisfied with them. 

Dr. Jamison is a well-renowned psychiatrist who specialized in academic medicine and manic-depressive illness (bipolar). In her autobiography: “An Unquiet Mind”, she shares her research related to bipolar as well as her experience as she undergoes the same intense mood swings as her patients. Kay Jamison helps the blind to see, in a way (or, to continue my earlier comparison, she helps the seeing to be blind.) "An Unquiet Mind" (more than anything else I have ever read) helps a person on the outside looking in  to understand  the chaotic nature of disorders--meaning chaotic in the sense of "uncontrollable", not necessarily "manic".

 She relates having a disorder to the lifestyle of a blind teenager she used to counsel. Having met with him for many months, she felt she understood what it was like to be blind; however, one day she came to see him in class and was shocked to see that the room was totally dark, while he and the rest of the class were sitting quietly listening to a recording. This experience made her realize that she really did not know what is meant to be blind. We cannot fully understand what it is like to live with another's disorder, but Dr. Jamison says that we can love them and just be with them. The diversity of every single human ‘bean’s’ perspective adds spice to the whole of the culture. Our culture is profoundly influenced by the positives of mental illness. Bipolar disorder and depression are linked to creativity and productivity--many poets, writers, actors, singers, and other artists have made significant contributions to society. Take Dostoyevsky and Van Gogh (and my own father who has written 9 novels, a chemistry, and a computer textbook, makes cheese, is a blacksmith, a lapidarist...you get the picture).

As I have said, I don’t think the mental disorder is completely bad, but it does include some inherent and devastating problems. Some of the downsides of bipolar and depression include suicide, psychosis, abuse of others, loss of productivity and meaning, among others. In order to treat, or even better, prevent the negative effects of mental disorders, there are many resources available for both those who struggle with it personally and those who are affected, such as family and friends. Mental disorders make a person turn emotionally inward and become isolated although what they really need is a source to provide energy and emotional support, or in other words, provide energy and hope that life really is worth living. “To supply this demand”, it is “essential in these contexts to build social networks and the provision of social support”(Batistela Vicente, Jéssica).

Mental health issues are best handled by having some sort of structure in place. This structure can be found in multiple places: non-profit support groups for mental illness such as Conflict Prevention and Resolution--Brazil (CPR), National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), or Omotenashi--Family Experiences Learning Program (FELP), organized religion, or extended family and friends. More often than not, a combination of a few is the most successful in creating a constant safety net. Having these resources when “facing difficulties such as time investment; economic dependency, deprivation of the needs of other family members, lack of social activities and reduction of relations with the outside world,” give much-needed stability and prevent feelings of isolation.

Some form of organization especially helps children, as they are often too young to recognize their own need for support. Research has found time and time again that a church community --unpresuming but always available-- is the optimal choice, with mental and emotional disorders, having much lower rates among young adults who were raised in homogeneous religion-based home. Religion is what saved my father’s life despite numerous trials with his anxiety throughout the years. In the study done by CPR in Brazil, one mother of a child with a mental disorder said: “I would listen, would ask for support, I have always asked assistance from God”. Having a personal relationship with a higher being provides comfort when family and friends are unavailable. As with any child, having a “scaffolding on which to hang one’s life” offers direction in the long run, whereas a child who doesn’t go to church, for example, bases their morals off their parents but does not have the benefit of a social support system. In the case of non-religious people, participating in NAMI or school groups are ideal (Batistela Vicente, Jéssica).

 It is important to note that in the case of serious mental disorders, often social support is insufficient and requires the aid of medication. Modern medicine, though often abused, as I am well aware of from my time spent training as a pharmacy technician, is necessary for those who struggle seriously with mental illness. The importance of medicine and the fact that there is no shame in it is also the knowledge that I think should be more widespread—with caution. I took medicine for ADHD when I was about 10, and the results were great, but I only used it for a while in order to establish good habits. This may be the case for minor diagnoses like mine, medicine was not necessary but was helpful for my schooling. Serious mental disorders like bipolar, severe anxiety, and clinical depression, however, may require more than a short term prescription for establishing habits. One point Dr. Jamison emphasizes is that if she was given the option to go back and live a life without manic-depressive illness, she would not; granted the medicine was still available.  

I have come eventually to realize that just because something appears wrong doesn’t mean I have to fix it. Mental health can be treated and cared for, but in chronic and genetic situations, though it might be subdued many people don’t realize that it cannot be cured. And this is okay. As the quote says, the mental disorder will “hamper [the individual’s and their friends and family’s] productivity” (Agustina Barimbing, Maryati). I believe this is true not only but specifically when the individual’s relations try to fix them. This puts a strain on everyone and only leads to everyone involved blaming each other and themselves. 

“Oh mother, how is it for you?”

(Hull, John)

At an emotional scene from the movie “Notes on Blindness,” John Hull’s wife reflected on her husband’s wrestle with his loss of sight and with it so many other things and mused: “Shall I scratch my eyes out, shall I follow you into this world?” Those with mental disorders are not the only ones affected by it. Family and friends struggle to help their loved ones but can easily become discouraged by the task of relieving the load. Caring for a loved one with mental illness is often a“lonely battle”(Kageyama, Masako). Families are required to learn to live with the disease, facing the difficulties and adapting to the new situation in order to maintain a difficult balance within the family. It can be very isolating and caregivers sometimes sacrifice their own physical and mental well being and that of other loved ones to help the person with a mental disorder. Aid from the same support programs offer comfort and understanding by “address(ing) members’ need for knowledge about mental illness, reduc(ing) their feelings of guilt and self‐blame, decreas(ing) caregivers’ burdens, help(ing) families cope, and improv(ing) parent-child relationships” (Kageyama, Masako). With a community that understands the family members as well as the individual with the mental disorder, feelings of isolation and pressure subside, relationships are healthier.

In the book by Jane Clayson Johnson, "Silent Souls Weeping: Depression, Sharing Stories Finding Hope", Johnson interviews the husband of a woman with clinical depression who shares how his view of and reactions to his wife’s episodes evolved over the years. At first, he did not feel like family, but someone that was obligated to serve hand and foot. He got caught in a vicious cycle of blaming her for not controlling herself and blaming himself for not being able to fix it. Eventually, he realized casting blaming only dug the pit of depression deeper. 

So he did what is unarguably easier said than done, and decided to stop blaming people and start “blaming the illness”. Of the experience he said:"(life with) a person with a mental illness is not doomed to be miserable", it is the responsibility and blame that we stubbornly hold on to that make us miserable. Instead of holding on to virulent bitterness and letting the illness be a barrier, he decided to love his wife. The overarching theme of "An Unquiet Mind" and "Silent Souls Weeping" is the saving grace of simply loving those struggling with some disorder: not because it miraculously relieves them of the symptoms,  but because it makes life “worth living”. 

The simplest, and yet two of the most beneficial treatment are both education and acceptance. Mental disorders are not a project that can be “fixed”(Clayson Johnson, Johnson) by the experiencer or their loved ones, but one can offer love and can educate themselves. Though undoubtedly necessary for some individuals on a case by case scenario, it would do the most good for both sides to familiarize themselves with the other person’s situation. This creates a kinship of sorts, humanizes others. Just like when you meet the person who will be your best friend the first time you see them, we should not make assumptions but instead, make an effort to understand. The teaching that losing oneself to find oneself is absolutely correct. Love is a treatment in itself.

Works Cited

Agustina Barimbing, Maryati, et al .“Family Atmosphere Make Family Resilience Which Have Adolescent with Mental Disorder (According to “Resilience” Theory of Haase & Peterson)”. International Journal of Nursing Education. July 2019. 1.

Arredondo, Emanuel, et al. “The Global Impact of Intellectual Disability and Other Mental Disorders in Children”. International Journal of Childbirth Education. 2019, Vol. 34 Issue 2, p14-17.

Batistela Vicente, Jéssica, et al. “Mental disorder in childhood: family structure and their social relations”. Escola Anna Nery Revista de Enfermagem. vol. 19, 2015, pp 107-114.

Burland, Joyce. “NAMI: Family to Family Education Program”. NAMI. 2001.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

Johnson, Jane Clayson. "Silent Souls Weeping: Depression, Sharing Stories Finding Hope". Desert Book. 2018. 

Kugelmass, Heather. “Mental disorder among nonreligious adolescents”. Mental Health, Religion & Culture (MENT HEALTH RELIGION CULT). 2015, vol. 18, issue 5.

Kageyama, Masako, et al. “Changes in Families' Caregiving Experiences through Involvement as Participants then Facilitators in a Family Peer-Education Program for Mental Disorders in Japan”. Family Process. 2017, vol. 56 Issue 2, p408.

Lucille Southey, Sarah. “Sarah Lucille Southey: A Memoir”. Dollison Road Books. 2016.

Middleton, Peter, et al. “Notes on Blindness”. 2016

Owen, M., Cardno, A. & O'Donovan, M. "Psychiatric genetics: back to the future". Mol Psychiatry, vol 5, 2000, pp 22–31.

[dr-gloom]

The End

a little vent fic

Fandom: Sanders’ Sides

Pairing: Moxiety

Words: 2,016

Summary:  Patton’s life fell apart in the course of two weeks, and he doesn’t think he wants to try and pick up the pieces. (vent fic, very dark)

Tags/Warnings: suicide attempt, depression, suicidal thoughts, implied abuse, breakup, mentions of self harm, self-hate, Patton is transmasc genderfluid, not a happy ending, character with depression, character with BPD, mentions of an eating disorder

if I missed any tags, sorry

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It had all started about two weeks ago, on a Friday.

Patton was sure they had ADHD, so they'd talked to their therapist about getting screened. Since their depression was doing a lot better, she agreed and had them fill out the papers. On that Friday, Patton got the email that they didn't qualify for screening.

It was a little thing, something that, to a normal person, would be a bummer that they move on from and maybe get a little sad or annoyed about. But Patton was never normal. The depression hit them so fast and so hard that all they could do was stare at their phone as they sat in their car, eyes only seeing two words: not qualified.

Their only thought was that their mother had been right all along. Patton was just making it up, exaggerating their personality and pretending they were symptoms, or something. If she was right about this, what else was she right about? Did they not have depression? Or bpd? Were they tricking themselves into believing they were trans?

But the universe has never been kind to them, and that wasn't all that would happen on what had started as one of the nicest Friday's they'd had in a while.

Patton went to unlock their phone to share the news with their partner, only to see their partner had already sent them a text. A small bubble of happiness grew in their chest, popping just as fast when they read what the text said.

He said Patton had been pushing him away, that they had been keeping him from talking about something that's been bothering him, that he wanted a break.

Two weeks. He wanted to spend two weeks without talking to or seeing each other at all.

Patton felt like their world was falling apart, but they agreed because it was better than him breaking up with them right then and there. It's okay, they told themselves, it'll be okay, he'll miss you and you guys will fix things.

On the way home, all they could think about was speeding right into one of the dozens of trees they saw along the freeway. How fast would they have to go for it to kill them? If they didn't die instantly, how badly would it hurt? Would anyone care? Would anyone tell their online friends?

Whatever sense of self-preservation they had made them climb into bed as soon as they got home, and wouldn't let them leave.

Patton spent the entire weekend like that, in a depressive slump, curled up in bed, barely eating or talking (not that anyone noticed). Part of him was angry, because he knew he had ADHD, he knew the symptoms and he's talked to plenty of people who had a diagnosis, and the similarities were too many to be a coincidence. He was also mad at his partner.

It felt horrible to say, but it was true; they'd both been busy lately, so they haven't had much time to talk. At most, they said hi and asked how the other's day was, and the conversation petered off. So what did he mean when he said Patton had been keeping him from talking? He combed through their old texts, even checking their Tumblr chats, and he still had no clue. He was mad, and confused, and depressed, but he was also terrified. Patton didn't want to lose him. He didn't want to be alone.

Monday night, in his child education class, they were doing a culture assignment where they brought something in and explained how it was important to their culture. A few of the foreign students brought things from their cultures back home, while everyone else typically brought something relating to family. Patton listened to everyone talk about their loving families, their traditions, the happy memories, then he stood up and showed them his pride keychains, and talked about how he's been harrassed, oppressed, disowned, and how ignorance is the basis of cruelty. He talked about how important it was to educate others so that someday, kids don't have to go through what he went through. A couple friends in the class clapped and told him how strong and amazing he was. He didn't believe it.

Tuesday, they couldn't stop thinking about him. They wondered if he was okay, how he was doing, if his rehearsals were going well. They drove home for a couple hours before their next class, and ended up dropping and shattering their phone right outside their house.

It was another one of those little things that should have meant nothing, but felt like everything. Patton picked up the phone gently and pressed the side button to light the screen, but it stayed black. They held it down to turn it on, but nothing happened. Frustrated tears welled in their eyes and they went inside.

As soon as the door was shut, they threw the phone onto the couch and screamed. “Dammit!” They paced the living room, pulling at their hair, breath coming in quick pants. Their mother was going to kill them. They swore again and again, wiping their tears away angrily.

When they had managed to calm down a little, they grabbed the house phone and left their mother a message telling her what happened. She liked to randomly call them to see where they were, and they didn't want to make their punishment worse by making her think they were ignoring her.

Wednesday, he got an email saying the surgeon who'd be conducting his top surgery was leaving Kaiser and couldn't do the surgery. Patton sat on his bed, feeling as if the rug had been pulled from under his feet. He had a consult set up with a new surgeon in a month, but something told him he wouldn't like the results.

Thursday, they went in to see if they could get their stuff off their phone. They'd moved their SIM card into a new phone, but the only thing that copied over was a couple phone numbers they never contacted and their own data like their phone number.

The phone people told them that if the screen didn't work, they couldn't do anything. They thanked them with a forced smile and went back to their car, thinking about all the lost pictures and friends and rubbing their stomach as it growled. They hadn't eaten in three days.

They were fat enough, anyways.

Friday, they tried to kill themselves. They felt so alone, so lonely, so stressed and scared, that they didn't want to even try anymore. Of course, like most things, they fucked up. They woke up on Saturday in tears and laid in bed until their mother yelled at them for being lazy.

Monday, they got an email from their supervisor telling them they haven't been meeting dress code, and they had until Wednesday to get business-casual clothing. She blamed them for their lack of hours, despite the fact that she was the one in charge of their hours. Patton was tired. So, so tired. They'd been angry for a moment, but they didn't have the energy to stay mad.

Tuesday night, Patton went clothes shopping with his mother. He could tell she was angry that she had to spend more money, but she would never complain about him in public, so she stayed quiet. He had to go up a pants size because, in her words, “it looks like your ass is eating your pants”.

He didn't eat anything on Wednesday.

He couldn't sleep Thursday night. He knew the next day his partner would message him and give him the verdict, and he'd been through this enough times to know it was almost certainly going to end badly.

Friday. They went through their day like normal, helping their supervisor with speech therapy and desperately trying to distract themselves. They went home and checked their phone; sure enough, he texted them while they were working.

I don't want it to seem like I'm having the last word or anything, and if you have stuff to say I definitely want to hear it, but I think I'm just gonna go ahead and say my piece. I think it would be better if we broke up. And I mostly think that because over the two weeks we didn't talk, it felt like almost nothing changed for me, except maybe this time I wasn't waiting around for anything. I told you how we didn't talk before and what I was thinking, so I'm not going to repeat that, but if you go without talking to your partner for two weeks and it doesn't feel like there's even any change, there's something wrong. I don't know if this is actually true or not, but it genuinely felt like you had hated me the majority of our relationship and then got tired of pretending. It felt like I was in a relationship with someone who couldn't care less what happened to me. When you told me you were going to cut yourself, and there was nothing I could do about it, I stayed up all night having panic attacks. I burst into tears at rehearsal just thinking about it. I felt like a complete failure. I felt worthless. And when I told you I was suicidal, at most we would have a five minute conversation, at worst you would more or less say you were too tired to deal with it. But I spent hours BEGGING you not to hurt yourself. This is getting way longer than I expected. I'm sorry. I know I fucked up a lot, too. But I tried my hardest to make you happy and to do what you wanted, and towards the last couple weeks it felt like talking to a wall. And I saw your post about how people promise not to leave and then they do it anyway, ((you said "fucking liars")) and I'm not mad, I completely understand that vent, but I did assume it was about me and, Pat, you didn't give me a choice. You practically shoved me away yourself. Okay. I'll shut up now. If I don't answer it's because I'm showering or thinking, I promise I won't ignore you.

Patton sat in their car staring at their phone, much like two weeks ago, feeling empty. They wanted to apologize, to say they love him, have always loved him, that they don't know what they did wrong but they want desperately to fix it. They wanted to say that he deserved so much better than them, and beg him not to leave them, and a hundred other things, but….

But what was the point? They'd done that before, and the person always got angry and it got so much worse. So they just send one word.

Okay

The reply is almost instant.

Do you have anything to say…?

Patton sighs, getting out of their car and heading inside.

What's the point?

Okay, well then I guess that just proves my point. Bye then

Patton lays down. They're so tired. They hate themselves so much. Why are they so fucked up? They thought they'd been getting better…

Actually, I do wanna say one thing I'm sorry, you deserve better Bye, Virgil

They weren't going to sugarcoat it. They fucked up. It was all they thought about as they laid in bed until they fell asleep. They couldn't even cry; a couple tears would fall and then they'd be numb, all the pain and grief pushed down until it became a physical hurt.

They stayed in bed the rest of that day and into Saturday. Whenever they're awake, they think over what they did wrong. Patton doesn't understand how they could have fucked up so badly that he thought they hated him. They don't understand when things got so bad.

But maybe that was the problem. They could never tell what they were doing wrong. Patton picks up their phone.

They're going to write one last story, pick up their blade, and try not to fuck up again.

[amphtaminedreams]

Mental Health Awareness Week: My Story

Hi to anyone who’s reading this!

My name is Lauren and this is my first personal post on my Tumblr (which I’m using because I am a granny who can’t be arsed to work out the basics of Wordpress). My intention in making this blog was ultimately to talk about mental health and fashion and things that interest me and I suppose I knew that ultimately I was going to make a post like this but I just didn’t realise it would be so soon. But then Theresa May lit up Downing Street and it was Mental Health Awareness week and Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness month and I realised, best to just get this out of the way before I can start making excuses to put it off until the end of time. It’s a hard post to make because I don’t exactly know who the audience will be; I’m writing it for the mental health community and anybody who’s interested in what Borderline Personality Disorder is/looks like but I’m also conscious of the fact that one day my family and friends and even potential employers could be reading this. How much detail am I supposed to go into? A lot of people still feel uncomfortable discussing topics like this; they start seeing you a different way when they know you suffer from a mental illness, even though you’re the same person you’ve always been. It’s also hard to know where to start when I’m talking about my mental health. I feel like other posts of a similar nature tend to have a clear start, beginning, and end. A clear cause or inciting incident, one self-explanatory, well-understood diagnosis, and a clear pathway to recovery. I don’t have a single, defining trauma I can pinpoint anything to, and I don’t think I have complex PTSD (which is often conflated with BPD but as I understand it, not always the same thing). I have a family history of mental illness and a series of less significant events that in hindsight might have affected me more than I originally thought, but until I became able to think about concepts such as “mental health” and self-image and relationships in the abstract, I believed that I generally had a pretty happy childhood. My family did their very best and they loved me and we always had a roof over our heads and food on our plates. When I did start to conceptualise my mental health, I kind of thought of it as a wave of depression and insecurities and anxieties that hit me when I was in my early teens. I think this is the same for a lot of people. Only when I got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (which I will shorten to BPD for the purpose of making this easier to read, lol!) in October 2018 did I question that.

I’ve done a lot of questioning since I got the diagnosis, the same kind of questions that make this post hard to write. Am I really that ill? Am I not just being dramatic? Do I have any right to feel like this given the privilege I have? When in reality, this deep-rooted gut instinct to doubt who you are and what you have a right to feel is an intrinsic part of BPD.

There are 9 key symptoms involved in the disorder, 5 of which must be experienced to a degree that is severe enough to affect your day to day functioning in order to receive a diagnosis. My formal assessment which took place during my stay at an inpatient psychiatric ward in October 2018 revealed I was just on the cusp of receiving a diagnosis; in 5 of the 9 categories I scored highly enough that the symptom was impairing my ability to function, thus I only just qualified (lucky me!). That’s what mental illness is really, a collection of ingrained and/or inherited behaviours that are inhibiting one’s day to day life. With regards to BPD, these 9 behaviours or symptoms are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment (check).

2. Unstable relationships.

3. Unclear or shifting self-image (check).

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours (check).

5. Self-harm (check). 

6. Extreme emotional swings (check).

7. Explosive anger.

8. Dissociative experiences (check).

9. Chronic feelings of emptiness (check, check, CHECK).

See, when the diagnosis was first suggested to me informally by a community mental health nurse in June of 2018, I was a bit like…what?! That can’t be me! I don’t have outbursts (it’s okay if you do and you’re working on it)! I don’t scream and throw things (again, okay if you do and are working on it)! And I’m definitely not manipulative (any person can be manipulative so I don’t even know where this one comes from)! That was, like, all I knew about BPD. Stereotypes. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction type bullshit, we’re talking the woman that coined the phrase bunny boiler. I didn’t know that BPD can present in a million different ways, based on the person who’s suffering with it, because I thought BPD was the person. The widespread consensus on BPD isn’t the most humanising. So I hope me explaining how it’s affected my life and the way its presented itself over the years helps in turning the tide, which so many amazing people have already begun to do by sharing their stories. My aim is to do the same.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about the areas in which BPD has affected my life since my formal assessment, in which I felt I learnt a lot more about the disorder. In particular, the idea that I was always this happy child that got hit by a wave of inexplicable, crippling depression once I hit my teenage years. I remember during the assessment, the doctor asking me to talk about my early relationships and it kind of struck me at that moment that I’d been going through this pattern of switching between extreme attachment towards versus extreme devaluation of my relationships with the closest people in my life for as long as I could remember. My first real best friend of several years basically stopped speaking to me (and in hindsight, I do not blame her, lmao!) when we were about 12 because I can only imagine she was sick of me either picking a fight or desperately seeking her reassurance every time she dared to hang out with another friend. I remembered how it felt when she did choose to spend time with somebody else rather than me: “oh my god, she likes them more, she finds me boring, she hates me and she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore! Everything’s over! I’ll never find anyone who loves me like she does because why would they? I can’t go on with my life until I know that she isn’t going to leave me!”. I think at that age, everyone has that shrill inner voice that doesn’t exactly consider logic or react in the most sensible way, but instead of my shrill inner voice going away, it just faded to more of a constantly niggling monotone that continued to affect the way I behaved around other people for years to come. This was just one of the signs that things weren’t as they should be from an early age. I think I was around 13 when the Child Adolescent Mental Health Services (otherwise known as the dreaded CAMHS), whom my parents had initially got me referred to for sleeping problems, diagnosed me with generalised anxiety and social phobia. Social phobia, despite this being its DSM name, is more commonly known as social anxiety. This came about after I had undergone successful CBT for said sleeping problems and thought I’d just drop it in, as you do, that basically, every social interaction felt like I was putting on a desperate show to keep the few remaining people left in the theatre from walking out. I told them that school was emotionally exhausting me. Whilst after the first couple of rocky years of transitioning from primary to secondary school I had developed a close group of friends, I still felt like aside from the closet few of them, absolutely nobody liked me. That was definitely true of some people, but likely not to the extent I envisioned it. I had come to feel, I suspect due to a combination of genes and a few environmental factors, like I was inherently unloveable and annoying, and even though I’m in a good place right now, these are things I continue to struggle with. When you’ve believed these things for so long, to act according to them is second nature.

The thing about BPD is that it’s hard to determine what is a co-morbidity and what is part of The Disorder™. I’m still not quite sure whether my social anxiety was in and of its own issue or if it was driven by the borderline symptom of fearing abandonment. Even recently, during a period of relative stability, I went back to my GP about dysmorphic thoughts concerning my body and appearance as I believe they go beyond the threshold of what is to be expected as part the unstable self-image facet of BPD. Whilst I can accept, for example, that the self-harming and binge eating I began indulging in around the same time I received my anxiety diagnoses were my way of coping with the mood swings and chronic feelings of emptiness I was also experiencing (get me working in the checklist of symptoms here, I imagine this is how film writers feel when they namedrop the movie in the characters’ dialogue), I have a feeling the image issues I have would exist regardless of the influence of the unstable self-image part of BPD. I mean, would perfectionism alone take me to the extremes of punishing myself for missing out on all A*s by an A or two at GCSE and A-level, forcing myself to do a degree I had no particular interest in just because the university was in the single digits in the international league tables, or at one point eating only apples for 10 days until I could barely stand up because I wanted to look like those girls on 2013 emo black and white Tumblr? Probably not. But you don’t need to have an unstable self-image to latch onto the idea that only the very best will do in today’s world, lol (typed with a totally straight face)! Yeah, if the niche that is socialist twitter has taught me anything it’s that, that’s like, late-stage capitalism for you. It’s hard to look at myself and know what is a good quality, or just a character trait, and what is disordered. I think when you call a mental illness a personality disorder, the people who are labelled with it are inevitably going to have that problem.

Surprising absolutely no-one, trying to fit into these ideals I had created and emotionally detaching myself from my friends and family didn’t do any good for my wellbeing. I gave into self-destructive impulses with increased frequency and as I went into sixth form and drifted even further away from the few people I did feel close to, I began to experience derealisation (not depersonalisation, though this is something a lot of people with BPD do experience). This would come under the dissociative experiences symptom of the BPD. It was like my eyes were glass windows and I was just watching life unfold in front of me from the other side. It’s not as if I didn’t have control of my actions, I did, I threw myself into revision, but it all just felt slightly unreal, like I was going through the motions, almost robotically, detached from everyone around me. Everything was muted. Generally, I find that my mood swings between 5 different states: lethargic depression, extreme distress, anxious irritability, an almost mania like sense of confidence and purpose, and a more pleasant calmness. The best way to explain how I experience this switch is that I can almost physically feel the gear of my brain shift, with this change of energy then flowing down to the rest of my body. My thoughts take on a different tone of voice, my body feels heavier, or if I’m going up, it’s like I can feel electricity running and crackling through me. It can happen in a split second, and it can be random, though often it’s triggered by something as small as a phone call or how much I’ve eaten. If multiple plans fall apart at the same time, it can be enough to make me angry at the world and distrustful of everyone in my life, closed off and weighed down. However, back when I was experiencing this derealisation, I remember only really switching back and forth between feeling numb and feeling passively suicidal; I feel like I lost my teenage years to this big, grey cloud of meh-ness that fogged up my brain and obfuscated my ability to regularly feel any positive emotion. To use a cliche, there was this void inside of me that nothing would fill and I had learnt that trying to use relationships to do this was dangerous for me because without sounding melodramatic, it hurt too much when I felt they weren’t reciprocating my love (what a John Green line, lmao).

My fear that people didn’t like me morphed into paranoia that even the people I was supposed to be friends with were ridiculing me the second I left the room; please don’t laugh when I say my greatest pleasure during this time was to go home at lunchtime to avoid having to spend an hour sat with them so I could eat Dairy Milk Oreo, nap and listen to The Neighbourhood (careful, don’t cut yourself on that edge!). I put on a lot of weight due to binge eating, would often leave sixth form early or skip it altogether, and saw my GP, who reestablished my anxiety diagnoses now with an exotic side order of depression. When it comes to NHS services where I live, I’ve kind of won the postcode lottery. There’s a large, conservative elderly population which I’m assuming is the reason our area receives a lot more funding than other, debatably more deserving other areas, and this meant that along with prescribing me the first of many SSRIs I was to try, I was also referred back to CAMHS. I’d been discharged from them about 2 years prior, and what had back then been about a 1 or 2-month waiting list to be seen had doubled in longevity since. I say I won the postcode lottery because, in a lot of places, it’s not uncommon for people to still be waiting to be seen by their local mental health team over a year after they’re first referred. Even so, the help I was offered was very minimal; I met a counsellor once every couple of months that didn’t really specialise in any particular kind of therapy and would kind of just talk at me for the hour I saw her. This was in spite of me expressing suicidal feelings and regularly self-harming.

That being said, by the time I left sixth form, I had finally found an SSRI that worked to blunt the intensity of my social anxiety. I was attending my “perfect” university with my “perfect” grades and (prepare yourself for the twist of the century) I finally managed to get my lazy arse to the gym, and get to that “perfect” weight. I was forming emotional connections with people for the first time in years. On a shallow level, in my first year of uni, things were finally beginning to look up, and yet I was experiencing worse mood swings than ever, becoming more dependent on drugs and alcohol to function through these, and throwing myself into intense friendships where anything less than utmost enthusiasm on the other end of the relationship would send me back into that “oh my god, I’ll never make another friend in my life, I’ll always be alone, I can’t deal with this, the only way to deal with this pain is to end it!” mode. I don’t know why things got so drastic so suddenly. Maybe it was being away from my parents, or maybe it’s just that late teens/early twenties are a time when negative emotions do tend to get more serious after being repressed for years and consequently accumulating. The whole having to be the smartest person in the room to maintain a sense of self shtick was also taking a bit of a hit because university is bloody hard and everyone’s bloody smart and bloody passionate and here I was not even understanding what the assigned reading was trying to say let alone having any brilliant ideas about it to contribute; I was so quiet in one of my seminar groups the lecturer forgot I existed in a class with a grand total of 9 students. Big fish in a little pond to little fish in a big pond syndrome or maybe just more simply put, imposter syndrome, is a real thing and when you struggle with your identity anyway, it’s enough to throw you off completely. I finished that year with a first but I told myself it probably wouldn’t happen again. A couple of days later, feeling shit and overwhelmed, I did what I’d taken to doing to manage my emotions, and got high. The delusional episode ended me up in A&E for self-harm, and when they let me go the next day, I travelled back to my family home and pretended nothing was wrong.

The whole “act like everything’s fine” approach doesn’t work in the long term. 10/10 would not recommend. Without my parents around, when I went back to uni in September, everything fell apart again. I was using drugs every day, either not eating at all or binge eating, self-harming, binge drinking regularly, skipping all my lectures. Honestly, when I think back to that time it’s like I’m watching myself from outside my body. I was feeling very done with the dumpster fire (how very American of me) that was my brain. I was done with the constant 100mph up and down internal monologue. I was done with trying to cope and to hold myself together. I intentionally overdosed multiple times and after one sent me to A&E, my dad brought me home from university. It was a horrible shock for my parents: they knew I was a worrier that could be a little closed off and miserable sometimes, and they were the ones who’d first taken me to CAMHS when I was younger, but they’d struggled with that, and so from then on I’d tried to keep my issues to myself. To be honest, I don’t blame them at all for not realising anything was drastically wrong. I did a pretty good job of hiding my problems; everyone had their own things to deal with and so I became quite adept at internalising my feelings and acting “inwards” rather than outwards. It was also definitely a case of things escalating whilst I was away. With all this in mind, the overdose kind of came out of nowhere for them, but I was so detached from reality I didn’t even consider this at the time. Thankfully, I can’t really remember how they actually reacted either. Benzodiazepines do that to you, a little tidbit of information that all these teen rappers and social media personalities hyping up Xanax fail to mention. I think my dad made the decision to bring me home rather than have me stay in hospital in London, as was offered, because he thought that would be better for me. However, a few days later, after numerous, distressing visits from the crisis team (another name that will be regrettably familiar to anyone who has experienced severe mental health problems before), where I can only assume a lack of time and recourses on their part forced me to repeat what had happened over and over again to the revolving door of staff members, I took another overdose. I had become paranoid that they were out to get me and falsely believed that I was too much of a burden on my family, who were having to take time off work to look after me. This time from A&E, I went on to stay in a psychiatric ward where I was given the formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder I mentioned earlier. And it’s here that my life changed forever, I believe for the better.

It changed my life for many reasons. Firstly, it was incredibly validating. To learn that I didn’t have a plethora of different problems but rather one problem, the different facets of which can present themselves in many different ways and affect multiple areas of your life, was so, so reassuring. It not only gave me a clear treatment path but helped me to understand that there was a reason all this was happening. Additionally, the events forced me to open up to my parents and for them to grasp the severity of the situation. After all these years, I finally felt like I had a support system. My parents had always been there before but I had emotionally distanced myself from everyone, and being a “typical teenager” I believed they didn’t understand me (get that angst). I think in retrospect they didn’t understand me because I wasn’t using the right words. I didn’t want to sound dramatic so whenever I spoke to either of my parents about how I felt, I downplayed it a lot. My mum, who works so incredibly hard and has a lot on her plate herself, had a tough upbringing so her approach to me being miserable was pretty much telling me to be grateful for what I had. Had she known what I was really getting at, I know that she wouldn’t have reacted like this to what I was saying. The minute I got my diagnosis, she went out and bought every (mildly offensively titled) book on how to support someone with BPD out there and I learnt today has even been trying to bring an emphasis on mental health into her workplace! She is a wonderful person.

With all this being said, my main piece of advice for other people who are newly diagnosed with BPD or just suffering from any kind of mental health condition is to be brutally honest with the trusted people around you about what you’re dealing with. It will be uncomfortable but I can promise it’ll be worth it. With something like BPD, having a support system who know exactly what you’re dealing with, minus the vagueness and the bullshit, is so, so important. I say this because, despite Theresa’s green lights, neither she nor her party are doing much in the way of providing the funding for professional help. When I first came out of hospital, I had a lot of nights where I felt incredibly depressed, almost as depressed as I did before I went in. Prior to my family knowing about my BPD diagnosis, I would have dealt with these feelings in unhealthy ways but this time, I could go to my mum and stay with her and just cry it out until the feeling passed. That is also a useful sentiment to remember, that the feelings will pass. It’s in the nature of BPD to swing around, when I’m not experiencing a period of depression, and that’s something I find it helpful to remember. I personally really like the Youper app to track my moods because when I do get suicidal, feel anxious or wired, I have something to look at objectively to remind myself that I did feel like this before, in fact, I felt like this yesterday, but a few hours later I told the app I felt okay again. It also helps you to dissect your irrational thought processes and identify “thinking traps”. Meditation, ASMR and CBD are big parts of my life and stability, though I would recommend doing some research into the latter before trying it yourself.

On a less subjective, more physiological level, I notice that my medication really aids my emotional stability; when I have been off it, my mood swings are a lot more intense. So whilst medication isn’t for everyone, it can be something to consider talking to your GP about to see if it could be beneficial for you. Another help is the DBT skills course I completed in March, DBT being the abbreviation of dialectical behavioural therapy, the treatment specifically developed for BPD by Marsha Linehan. If you have time, she’s a great person to do some research into. She herself was diagnosed with what doctors called an “incurable” case of BPD yet she’s gone on to do the most incredible things and help so many people also suffering from the disorder. Not only did DBT provide me with a skill set of more functional coping mechanisms for both interpersonal insecurities and individual struggles, but I liked the fact that once a week I got to be with a group of people who really understood what I’m dealing with and didn’t judge. Even if you can’t find a DBT group, it’s worth checking to see if there are any mental health peer support groups in your area for this reason. I found that being around people who are dealing with similar issues helped me to see my own struggles more objectively; it reminds you that what you’re experiencing is not about you personally and that whilst you may feel isolated, you’re not. The world hasn’t got it out for you. It’s a condition that many people experience. In terms of the feelings of emptiness BPD causes, I have found that since my diagnosis, I’ve actually had more of a sense of purpose in life. On a practical level, having therapy along with a year out of uni and the presence of a constant support system has had me time to get back into writing properly. What I’ve found to be even more rewarding, however, is my participation in the online mental health community.

Something I wasn’t made aware of prior to my diagnosis was the amount of stigma there is still towards mental health issues, Borderline Personality Disorder especially. It really is one of the most demonised mental health issues in and outside of the healthcare system and that’s a hard fact to learn, because it’s a difficult enough condition to learn to manage already without knowing that there are people out there who think you’re a monster for it and are going to judge everything you do through a certain lens. Whilst we are a lot more accepting as a society of conditions like depression and anxiety, conditions such as bipolar, schizophrenia and personality disorders are still greatly misunderstood by wider society who have largely taken their understandings of these illnesses from ill-informed media portrayals and shallow, surface-level observations of a sufferer’s behaviour. I doubt the name “personality disorder” helps matters; it’s hardly the most flattering description of what we’re dealing with I’ve ever heard. I’ve found that even mental health professionals and other mental illness sufferers have a negative bias towards BPD. There’s a widespread view that we are dangerous, manipulative individuals who choose to be difficult and act erratically, that our behaviour is not “organic” like that produced by other mental health problems. I have no idea where the latter assumption comes from. Most experts on the condition tend to agree that the mood swings, impulsive, destructive behaviour, and irrational thinking originate in the hypothalamus and come from a faulty fight-flight response or other atypical brain structures; in other words, BPD has a biological basis. Whilst I agree that we can learn to change our coping mechanisms, the idea that they are as a result of anything other than pure desperation and mental anguish is incredibly puzzling and dehumanising. Simply looking the causes of the condition up online or doing a small amount of research from a credible source debunks all the common BPD stereotypes, yet people like to speak about it as if they know everything about the condition just because they’ve heard a few horror stories. There are nasty people in the world. Some of them have BPD, but that doesn’t mean everyone with BPD is a nasty person, and the bottom line is that most people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder will hurt themselves before they hurt anyone else. We are so hypersensitive to any changes in our relationships in the first place that the last thing we want to do is damage them. When we say something feels like the end of the world, that’s because the emotional dysregulation part of BPD really makes it feel like it is. We’re not being dramatic or trying to get your attention. In fact, I can say for certain that despite feeling this way on a daily basis for about 7 years, I rarely actually voiced the sentiment. I still don’t. But I should be able to. To give the example of one person suffering from physical illness and one suffering from a mental illness, where both publicly talk about the pain they’re experiencing, why is only the latter of the two called an attention seeker? If the former tweeted about how much pain they were in, nobody would bat an eyelid. Why is this? When so many people experience mental health problems? When the gender who are typically expected by society to repress their feelings accounted for over 70% of suicide victims in the UK last year? It’s clear that keeping our feelings to ourselves and suffering in silence doesn’t do us any good, so why are so many so eager for us to continue doing so? I think being open about mental health simply needs to be normalised, and that once it is, hopefully, this sentiment will die out. I find that by being open about my mental health on social media (still quite selectively, I must admit! I can’t see myself making a post about BPD on Facebook any time soon!) has given me a sense of purpose because I do feel like I’m helping to normalise this kind of honesty. With regards to the stigma that surrounds BPD specifically, I feel that my presence online and my support of others helps to show that we’re just human beings who are struggling, not the awful mythos that surrounds us.

To finish, one of my main goals in my recovery is to be more compassionate to myself. BPD is a hard enough diagnosis to have without constantly internally doubting and questioning it. I find that as the months go by, I am feeling more and more stable, and this leads me to question if I was ever sick, especially since I only displayed 5/9 of the borderline traits in the first place, which meant that I only just met the diagnostic criteria. I don’t have psychotic rage or complete blackouts and tend to act inwards rather than outwards. I am what is considered within the mental health community to be a “quiet” borderline. I know theoretically that this doesn’t make my condition any less valid, but for this reason, part of me fears moving towards being “well”. Because if I’m well, then I feel like I’ve lost part of an already fragile identity. Of course, I’d rather not have BPD. But because I’ve been expressing symptoms for so long, I worry what’s left of me without it. At the same time, I fear going back to a place where my BPD is so severe that I have to go back to hospital. So really, it’s like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s a double-edged sword. Is that enough cliches? The thing that I wish more people could understand is that mental illness in itself is traumatic and that even when you’ve moved on, what you experienced will always be a part of you. You still need that support. I’m not going to lie, resisting the urge to indulge in old coping mechanisms and habits is hard, and whilst the sense of pride I feel every time I don’t, or every time I use responsibly something I’m used to abusing is rewarding, there are days where waiting for the need to use them to pass is very long and very hard. I need to stop telling myself that just because I am feeling better than I did, I don’t deserve that support anymore. I do. I still deserve compassion. I still deserve a safety net. I still deserve a sense of understanding from the people around me. I deserve all of it, as does everyone else. I also deserve to be proud of how far I’ve come already instead of berating myself for not having come far enough. As I write this I haven’t self-harmed in 169 days, have been at my current job for coming up to 6 months, have an interview for a psychology course at the uni I came to love in a week’s time. I’m finally somewhat healthily managing my weight for the first time in years! I have also decided that once I do return to university, my reason for being there is not contingent on me maintaining firsts; my mental health, and what I do with the degree is much more important. I would ultimately like to go into clinical psychology and do as much as I can in that area to help people going through similar issues. With the current state of the mental health (and healthcare, in general) system in the UK, it’s definitely easy to get disheartened that the services it provides will never be adequate due to funding issues. However, in the meantime, I think the more of us with lived experience that can get into mental health care, the better the service that eventually is provided can be. Every week I’m thinking of new things I’d like to research once I have the footing, epigenetic and intergenerational trauma and the use of psychedelics and the benefit of peer support groups. There’s always a way to turn the negative into a positive, even if it takes time to learn how to do so and I think after all these years, I’m finally getting the hang of it. If my brain has been a “dumpster fire” for the last however many years, then I don’t want to let the ashes go to waste. I’m going to make them into some really morbid confetti! As I sit here writing this, I can firmly say I am happier than I’ve ever been. Game of Thrones is pissing me off (might do a post how identity and attachment issues lead to a correlation between BPD and obsessive character fixations at some point because BOY has that been driven home to me this week!) but tomorrow I’m going to an ABBA party with uni friends, Yvie Oddly is smashing drag race, and my cat is lying next to me purring. It gets better. The hard days become less frequent and they get easier to cope with too; you can learn to ride the waves and find reasons to continue doing so, regardless of how tiring it might be sometimes.

My pipe dream for this time next year is that we have people in government who really care about the invisibly ill of this country. That Downing Street can do more than turn green. I hope that we get to see more realistic and sympathetic portrayals of BPD in the media that draw attention to the issue without glamourising or romanticising it and that we get more portrayals of queer, disabled and POC experiences of mental illness too as it’s not just skinny caucasian girls that deal with this shit! Most importantly, I also hope that I continue to flourish, and wish the same for everyone struggling with mental illness/any kind of turmoil. Anybody who reads this ’til the end, wow! Thank you! It was a bit of an essay but what do you expect coming from an ex-history student and wannabe author, lol! Please let me know if there is something you’d like to see me post about on this Tumblr, such as any specific BPD symptoms and how they might present, how I deal with social anxiety and body image, or even anything completed unrelated to mental health! God knows I love the sound of my own…prose? Is that the right word to use?

I hope you enjoyed reading!

Lauren x

[mtvswatches]

Crazy Ex Girlfriend 4x10 I Can Work With You

Stray thoughts

1) It’s amazing but the show actually accomplished it – I dig the new theme song. I’m actually singing along.

2) I repeat: Other Rebecca needs help.

3) Okay…

REBECCA: You're weird around her. It's like you can barely even look at her, because she reminds you of a very traumatic time in your life where you made some rash decisions and contributed to the existence of another person and maybe didn't fully think it through.

Even though this is incredibly introspective and it makes sense, it wasn’t the explanation I was expecting to get from Rebecca. Accepting to be Daryl’s baby’s surrogate mother was a rash decision, yes. And even though it rubbed me the wrong way how she showed no interest in the baby, it made sense, it was consistent with her behavior. She made the decision to carry the baby without giving it much thought. Likewise, she wasn’t giving the baby much thought.

I actually chalked it up to Rebecca being a self-centered dick. She might be making improvements as regards her mental health and introspection, but she’s still utterly self-centered and a dick.

4) I loved the Jersey Shore reference!

REBECCA: Snooki has a baby. She has two babies.

DARRYL: And look at what a great job she's doing with Lorenzo and Giovanna.

Yes, I love Jersey Shore. Occasionally, I love crap.

5) Shouldn’t Greg and his dad be attending different help groups? It kind of defeats the whole “anonymous” purpose…

But I like how we got to see Greg’s sponsor again and see how seriously Greg takes his advice.

6) I keep relating to Paula so much…

PAULA: Second, that is how I wanted to celebrate my birthday With you and some room-temp California rolls. It was perfect. No one stared at me and no one sang "Happy Birthday," so it was a big win.

I loathe celebrating my birthday.

7) It’s kind of a shocker that Mrs H sucks at charades, isn’t it?

8) Me, everytime Josh speaks:

9) Also, me:

Replace “Beverly Hills” with any TV show I binge-watch.

10) I relate to Rebecca so much because I’m so not a baby person either. I had a very similar experience the first time babysitting one of my best friend’s babies. I just don’t know what to do with babies. They are so fragile and unpredictable, an enigma. Toddlers and kids, that’s a whole other thing. Once I can actually communicate with them, they love me.

11) Oh, the game night is Paula’s graduation party! I can understand her not wanting to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t celebrate my graduation either! But I agree with Paula’s husband, though. Rebecca would’ve totally gone to the game night if she had known it was Paula’s graduation party.

12) The game sounds boring af, though. I think they wasted a great opportunity to come up with a nonsensical game that only the characters in the show understand and whose rules are super vague for the audience, a la “True American” from New Girl.

13) I really love it when Nathaniel violently claims he’s nice.

14) Valencia is going to mop the floor with Hector, isn’t she? Will learn why she is so mean to him, though?

15) I laughed so hard at this…

JOSH: Um, what happened to Marvin Gaye?

PAULA: Oh, his dad murdered him. Anyway…

JOSH: As an adult?

NATHANIEL: No, Josh, as a baby. Marvin Gaye was murdered as a baby. All the music that he made that you love, he made as a baby.

JOSH: Whoa.

16) “You left West Covina just to get away from me.” Again, this is a bit self-centered. Yes, Rebecca definitely played a huge part in Greg deciding to leave West Covina, but he also did it for very personal reasons related to his own desires, ambitions and mental health. What’s more, I just don’t understand how Rebecca doesn’t realize that in spite of all the crazy shit she’s done, her coming to West Covina put in motion a chain of events that affected everyone’s lives in a positive way. All of the characters are at a better place than they were before Rebecca arrived in town, Greg included! So yeah, she might be a whirlwind who usually fucks things up, but she’s served as the catalyst for everyone’s self-improvement as well.

17) Ummmmmmmm

In the words of Joshua Felix Chan…

I did not see that coming. I was expecting the writers to rekindle this relationship, but I didn’t see them getting involved so soon after meeting again? Like, there’s so much stuff they still have to work through, plus they have to get reacquainted with one another? Both of them have changed so much! Are they into the actual person in front of them or are they holding onto the idea of the person they used to be who made them feel a certain way?

Let’s just hope this is going in an interesting direction… (but I don’t know if “Settle for Me” playing in the background right before they kissed is a good omen…)

18) I really enjoyed this number…

And I really loved how their parents were playing the instruments and looked bitterly disappointed once they finished hahaha!

19) GOOD. GOOD!

Yeah, something feels weird. So, listen. You know me I'm usually the first person to impulsively throw myself into any really romantic moment, but I think I got to just take a beat and deal with the fact that right before you so sweetly kissed me, I was in the middle of a shame spiral. Which isn't just a me thing. That's a thing that happens with my disorder, BPD. Um, and basically, it's what you saw. I can spiral out about things, in this case oh, my fear that everyone hates me and that I'm a contagious plague in the form of a woman, even though intellectually I know that I'm not.

I really like what they’ve been doing this season with Rebecca’s disorder and the way she handles it. The fact that she got a diagnosis and she’s being treated doesn’t mean that she’s magically cured, so she’s bound to make some mistakes again and to act out because of her disorder. The difference now is that she understands where those impulses and crises come from and she’s better equipped to deal with them properly instead of continuing spiraling.

20) Oh, they’re still going at it…

And this shot reminds me of “Oh My God I think I Like You.”

21) Let me just say that I’m so fucking happy that Paula finally got her dream that made her feel like she deserves a dream, okay?

22) Ha!

No one here is a mind reader, except maybe Valencia. She's into that occult stuff.

Jokes aside, he makes a great point. You can’t fault people for not acting the way you expect them to if you haven’t communicated it properly, you know?

23) I actually enjoyed their bonding? Yes, I am surprised.

24) I liked how Hector and Valencia were able to bury the hatchet, but honestly, I was hoping for Valencia’s reason to bully Hector to be a bit juicier than “I hate you because everyone likes you.”

25) Girl really has no boundaries, she just had sex on Darryl’s carpet while babysitting his daughter…

26) Oh damn, they cut that Greg and Rebecca song too short! I was super digging it!

27) Oh, Nathaniel, you’re a softie…

28) I stand corrected. NO ONE HAS ANY BOUNDARIES IN THIS FUCKING SHOW.

29) Oh, lord, they did a “Hello, nice to meet you” reprise with the baby and I DIED! It’s the sweetest thing ever!!!

Hello, nice to meet you, we share chromosomes

Hello, nice to meet you, you're kind of… me

So, since you're both the future and kind of a mirror

I'll tell you right now that life doesn't get clearer

All I can say is have fun in the gray

Well, anyway

It's nice to meet you.

Not gonna lie, I teared up a little…

30) What a wholesome moment…

31) Poor Nathaniel…

32) Oh, wow, for a second there, I was afraid Rebecca was going to say “Greg makes me feel like glitter was exploding inside of me”…

It feels different, Paula. It's different this time. Greg makes me feel like I'm… like I'm okay because he's so much more okay now, you know? And like maybe we could be the best versions of ourselves if we're together.

33) Oh, Nathaniel 💔💔💔

34) I think Rebecca might have jinxed it by saying that she enjoys the Beverly Hills drama... some drama is headed to West Covina...

35)  Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[ericvick]

West Facet Tales: Indeed, I noticed the ‘suspect’ functioning on Athelwold St.

It was scarcely 15 earlier 7 a.m. about three months in the past when the day turned definitely odd seriously rapid.

I experienced just gotten back from my morning wander-about, which experienced a small exhilaration over and above the norm. It was a person of the 1st good times of spring, pleasant adequate where I could sit out on the front porch with my espresso and not have to pretend it was heat. I was nonetheless inside pouring my coffee when the phone rang. It was my spouse.

“Hey, a law enforcement officer just arrived up to me as I was leaving the house for function,” she explained. “They had been asking if we experienced viewed the suspect this early morning.”

My muscle tissues seized up and there was a silence on the telephone.

When the police are wanting for suspects all over in this article, it’s not fantastic information at any time of the day. I wondered what had transpired – a shooting…a hit and run…Was my auto intact? How did I overlook all the motion when I was outside before?

It had been a rather tranquil early morning aside from that one appealing twist. But I experienced viewed no proof of police issues. Resigning to the thought that far more violence had long gone down, I questioned her what she advised the law enforcement.

“I advised them you experienced observed the suspect,” she explained more than the cellular phone.

My coronary heart level jumped. I hadn’t noticed something. I questioned her why she would notify the law enforcement that I was concerned and, if record dictates the present close to right here, I possibly did not want to be involved in observing any suspects.

She paused, then laughed – which I imagined wholly inappropriate. “I’m talking about the coyote you observed,” she explained, figuring out she experienced provided me a cardiac moment. “The police are out hunting for a coyote. I guess anyone referred to as.”

That early morning, the exciting twist in my stroll was viewing a coyote arrive out of nowhere and jet down Athelwold Street at what seemed like the speed of gentle – dodging an oncoming school lunch shipping truck. It was a startling moment, and odd, but 1 you move on from. It is amusing how wildlife has returned to this side of Dorchester.

This was my 2nd coyote sighting in excess of here, and while this sort of matters are prevalent in Cedar Grove or Decreased Mills, on this significantly-denser side of Dorchester, they are anything uncommon indeed.

About 10 a long time back, I seemed on as a few turkeys dropped out of the sky on July 4 and landed on my neighbor’s do the job truck. It was surreal at the time. I even despatched in a picture to the Dorchester Reporter – and they ran it with exhilaration. At present, you see turkeys about right here 4 or five periods a 7 days. A total family of them life in Mother’s Relaxation Park like they have the position. They’re like squirrels now – just yet another part of this odd city landscape.

So, sure, I did place the suspect that morning, and if any BPD brass would like to swing by, I’m offered for questioning.

Speaking of suspects – There has also been much too substantially real violence – non-coyote similar – above the past couple of months all around in this article. Two weeks back, when we experienced firm from out of town keeping with us, some youthful gentleman squeezed off 8 gunshots at an enemy in the street a couple of blocks absent from our house. He strike no a single, but the gunfire was sufficient to established the community on its aspect. It is a actually disagreeable truth to have to make clear to guests that this kind of things do not come about that frequently, and that there is no explanation to be fearful. Of program, there is enough reason to be terrified when you hear a firearm blasting in the street.

The younger man was arrested on the place, criminal offense scene tape was deployed, and K-9 pet dogs scattered in every single course to do their sniffing. The kicker in this article is that the child was from Shrewsbury. Shrewsbury – actually? I appeared him up and he experienced absent to Shrewsbury Substantial, wherever he was a quite excellent hoops participant. This is occurring more and more: Youngsters from the suburbs coming into our neighborhood and thinking something goes. There must have been ample warning signals of this young male going off track for the superior persons of Shrewsbury to just take note. But which is just it: Far too generally they ship their issues off to Dorchester, Mass/Cass, and other locales. A essential problem proper listed here and now is the suburbs stepping up and using care of their issues simply because I’m developing impatient with their dysfunction exhibiting up on my street and leading to mayhem. Imagine me, we have our personal troubles we do not want theirs, much too.

Cleanin’ Up – May well 1 was the working day for the annual citywide thoroughly clean-up in the neighborhood, and the West of Washington neighborhood affiliation was out in whole pressure. My youngest daughter and I always strike up the Oliver Wendell Holmes Faculty, a horribly disinvested college in the Boston General public College portfolio. It’s a tall order just about every year to attempt to cleanse it up, but kudos to my daughter, Taryn, who experienced a real excellent plan. She place on her roller hockey skates, grabbed a $2 trash picker, and rolled away. We were carried out in no time. You can guaranteed get a good deal carried out on wheels!

As an apart, a substantial kudos to Councilor Andrea Campbell’s business and the BPS functions crew for getting rid of prominent and long-standing gang graffiti on the school. Immediately after a calendar year of my 3-1-1 phone calls produced quite tiny progress, they acquired motion in a couple of day’s time past 7 days. Now which is really Loving Your Block – or no matter what they connect with it now.

Farewell to pals – I cannot conclude this column without the need of providing tribute to two prolonged-time West of Washington citizens – Neil Hogan and Arthur Sutton. These two adult males ended up gentleman of the 1st get, cherished this neighborhood, and put in a long time listed here. Equally handed away in excess of the final numerous months.

Neil was the very first and only neighbor I’ve ever experienced in my grownup existence, and in all probability the greatest subsequent-doorway one particular everyone could question for. A generous guy and a heck of a fisherman, he was a life-very long Dorchester resident who was described at his funeral as a “cool gentleman.” I concur, but so a great deal additional can be mentioned of a person who will be skipped.

Arthur Sutton lived at the base of Athelwold Street for an eternity.

Lots of might have viewed his name on the municipal ballot a handful of occasions. He had a seat at the conclusion of the street, and he sat there frequently. He produced keys for all people in his workshop on Norwell, and at a single time ran a quite fantastic neighborhood assembly. I achieved him initially at the polling position 17 decades in the past when he was encouraging people today to vote. He normally had the good phrase. I’ll skip seeing him at the polls this slide.

Seth Daniel has been a resident of the West of Washington community for the last two many years, and enjoys re-telling tales of the oddities and edginess that are portion of residing in that element of Dorchester.

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[maccymacdonald]

A Study in Sunny

When asking how much of an impact television shows have and why they are so important to us, I’m sure the latter is a question that’s lingered in the minds of many parents concerned with their child’s obsessions with various things, whether that be bands, actors, sports stars or TV shows. I know I for one have endured the embarrassment of my dad bringing up my new hyper fixation at family dinners or my friends roasting me for whatever new poster I’ve just bought. Even before I planned on writing this article, I think I’ve always known my short-lived obsessions or long time loves have always been deeper than superficiality. (Maybe my High School Musical phase can be excluded from that, though).

I think there’s a lot more to what we watch that makes us cling so hard to our shows, and that they genuinely have a huge influence and emotional impact on our lives. A few people I’ve talked to or seen online think that my generation’s attachment to fiction universes is a bad thing, which to an extent I can understand. However, at the risk of sounding dramatic,  I truly believe TV shows have unimaginable impacts on us.

Whether that’s simply making us laugh until our sides hurt or allowing us a brief distraction from our messy lives there’s so much that shows offer us than just entertainment. Whether you find solace in living vicariously through your favourite character or simply enjoy being able to relate to a situation close to your heart, why should it matter what others think? How could we not hyper-fixate on something that to some extent reflects who you are and what you find compelling about life? And really, who’s to say that doing so is detrimental when to some, a show could be their only outlet to express themselves? I don’t know about you, but I can’t see anything wrong with that at all.

While its all well and good me saying all this, I thought I needed proof. I want to prove that TV shows touch people in many different ways and have the ability to improve lives, and that to many, tv shows mean so much more than what they are on the surface. The only way I was going to prove it, however, is with evidence. So I did a little research.

One of my favourite TV shows of all time is It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Rated 98% on Rotten Tomatoes, it’s millions of committed fans and numerous awards make it one of the most popular sitcoms of all time. It’s extremely dark and controversial humour torpedoes taboo topics in the most hilarious and ridiculous scenarios, yet remains subtly brilliant in the way it presents itself and it’s characters. If you haven’t seen it, (in which case the rest of this post will probably make no sense and I’d advise you to binge it, right now), the show centres around five terrible friends who run an equally terrible bar in downtown Philadelphia.

I decided to run a survey about how Always Sunny has affected its fans. I chose this show in particular because each character is so complex and profound in their own right I can see how easy it is for many people to connect with them on such personal levels.

I think the thing I found funniest when starting this show is that the characters are seemingly just really bad people. Every member of the gang has been arrested for something, they’re all alcoholics, they’re constantly thinking of new get-rich-quick schemes and regularly ruin other people’s lives without a second thought. In a most extreme example, my brother can’t even watch the show simply because he genuinely hates the characters (which all in all, is fair enough.) However, I believe beneath the surface of the arguments and violence there’s a depth to every character that you don’t always see in light-hearted comedies.

“They are the most elaborate, multi-dimensional, complicated and most well-written characters in any show ever, especially comedy.”

The characters are all very different. While Dennis is constantly harassing women and plotting against his family, he’s also extremely insecure and vulnerable. He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in season ten, which leads to him often being shown to struggle with his emotions and ability to feel. He’s an incredibly complex character who I think is often just overlooked as the psychotic angry man, which isn’t true at all.

His sister Dee entertains the more slapstick and needy version of her brother. She too is very easily agitated and has no patience, as well as she’s always desperate for validation (where most of her humour stems from). Because of this, she is immensely guarded of her emotions, also due to the perpetual verbal abuse she’s endured from her family her entire life.

“I can relate to her past with being bullied, and her constant need for affection and to be told that she is good.”

Mac, on the other hand, wears his heart on his sleeve. His development of starting the show as a heavily religious closeted gay man to openly out and proud over 12 years was really inspiring to watch, and his father issues and struggles with acceptance is what makes him one of the most engaging and interesting characters.

His best friend Charlie is also fascinating. On the surface, he is a substance abuser and alcoholic, unhygienic, illiterate, and highly unpredictable. But beyond that, he is very loving and supportive (most of this time).  He adores Frank and is usually happy to do anything for his friends. As a sexual abuse survivor, he is such an important character because it’s clear especially in the later seasons that he truly loves and believes in himself, and regardless of how others see him he never attempts to change who he is. Not only that, but many fans believe he’s autistic meaning his character is not only lovable but awesome representation.

A few months ago I launched a survey that 206 wonderful people responded to. Even though I’m involved with the Always Sunny community every day through social media, it really helped me get an understanding of the bigger picture, rather than just memes and discourse (although I wouldn’t change the Sunny Tumblr fandom for the world). So before I dive in I want to thank everybody that took the time to respond to the survey or talk to me privately, as you’ve helped everyone that reads this gain more of an insight into It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and it’s amazing fanbase, which I appreciate tremendously.

(And before I start, the overwhelming majority classed themselves as being obsessed with the show, and almost 100% have dedicated some form of social media to it, so you know these results are the real deal.)

While many people, like I do, watch the show on their own, over half watch it with friends and 49% say watching the show helps them bond with someone. I thought this was quite interesting because whether it’s your friends, parents, siblings or anyone else, if a show brings people together it really can only be a good thing, especially a comedy show.

I think a lot of people don’t realise how important tv shows are to relationships. I once knew someone who told me the only time they ever spent with their father was when they watched their favourite programme together. This shows how powerful tv shows are – to some, they’re vital for bonding and spending time with someone you love. They allow you the opportunity to do something fun which inspires conversation and communication, things not always easy to achieve.

While this is really important, there are three main things that stood out in this survey as the most relatable and helpful to fans. Charlie’s autism, Mac’s sexuality, and Dennis’s BPD. After reading the results it became obvious that so many people relate really strongly to these characters, each one holding something personal to every different person who watches the show.

“I really like Charlie because he very accurately portrays a dyslexic person and I think that’s really great. I also really like Mac because I can relate to him being very closeted so his progression to acceptance of himself was really nice to see for me, so his storyline, as problematic as it may be, I do find to be very realistic and relatable. I can also relate to Dennis in a really dark way, with the borderline personality disorder, so he also has a special place in my heart.”

Predictably, ‘Who is your favourite character?’ is one of the questions I asked, and this is what came back.

Charlie had the most votes with 58%, while Mac wasn’t far behind with 53%.

(And whoever gave a notable mention to special agent Jack Bauer and Poppins the invincible dog, I love you.)

As you can see, Charlie and Mac are the clear favourites. ‘Wild Card’ Charlie has attained number one though and has been a fan favourite for a long time. While there are hundreds of reasons to love him (he’s my favourite too), I think most people just see him as the funniest character. (Which is completely justified). However, apart from his humour, which obviously a lot of viewers adore, there are many other reasons fans love Charlie Kelly and the other characters so much.

Something I found interesting was quite a few responses mentioned Charlie’s autism. While it’s never been explicitly stated in the show that autism is definitely a condition he has, it’s something many fans have speculated about. It’s pretty much confirmed Charlie is autistic due to certain things he does or certain personality traits he has, explained brilliantly by Reddit user carrionkid in this post.

“I really like how his character is almost certainly autistic. It helps me realize that it’s not something that I should be ashamed of, and I also really like the way he’s played and written in general, and his musical talent! I find a lot of comfort in the ways he’s similar to me. I relate so strongly to that feeling of being left out and trying really hard to make your friends like you.”

Charlie is obviously a character that some fans have a deep connection to. Autism isn’t often portrayed well or accurately on-screen, and well-developed characters like Abed Nadir in Community and JJ Jones in Skins are very rare. Frankly, representation of various mental conditions is majorly lacking in the film and television world. So to see someone as complex and engaging as Charlie Kelly is really refreshing and important in the progression of television.

“I find Charlies’s autism symptoms make me feel more comfortable and accepting of myself as I might not be otherwise, due to past experiences with people telling me that I am not autistic despite my diagnosis (even though these comments were motivated by bigotry towards minorities I fit into I still find it hard to ignore them).”

Characters like Charlie show how much of an impact TV shows can have. Being able to relate to a character is a really big deal – finding something like a show that seems so unimportant, yet turns out to be something genuinely helpful in accepting who you are and being less lonely is really special. I think the personal connections between characters and viewers are underrated. At a certain point, they stop being characters, and you see them as yourself. Albeit a��more exaggerated, problematic version of yourself, I suppose.

Probably the biggest thing that a huge amount of people responded to is Mac’s sexuality, and his troubles with learning to accept and love himself as an extremely religious gay man.

“Mac became a favourite [of mine] since at the time I was very closeted and so was he, and I felt protective of and comforted by him.”

If I’m totally honest, there were times in the first few seasons I really didn’t like Mac, but I think it just took me a while to understand him – Mac is a very dramatic guy, simply because he expresses his emotions so outwardly while the rest of the gang often struggle to. He tries to hold nothing back and is very open with who he loves, and I think this is why it was so heartbreaking to watch him suffer from his internalised homophobia and closeted sexuality.

There were so many people on this survey talking about how much they relate to him. In fact, when asked what kind of things in Alway Sunny has helped people with on a personal level, a third of respondents said Mac’s sexuality, and 38% said the show’s acceptance of their LGBTQ+ characters.

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The writers and creators (Glenn Howerton, Rob McElhenney and Charlie Day who incidentally play the characters of Dennis, Mac and Charlie) confirmed that each member of the gang is bisexual, while Mac himself is homosexual. This kind of representation, even though the topic was addressed off-screen, is still important for diversity and providing safe, inclusive characters for viewers to watch that aren’t harmful to the LGBTQ+ community or at risk of being killed off. In the unfortunate television culture now where LGBTQ+ characters are constantly under threat from the ‘Bury Your Gays’ trope, it’s so important to have such a well-developed, funny, human character like Mac around, who is happier than he’s ever been and isn’t going anywhere.

“The pay-off of him finally coming to terms with his sexuality was refreshing in the way that it didn’t become the butt of a joke or change the nature of his character completely.” 

It was really emotional to see people responding to the survey who have grown up in unaccepting, extremely religious families who found solace in witnessing Mac’s journey and finding hope in his coming out arc. It really is wonderful to see how comforting Mac is to people having a hard time and who may not have anyone else to relate to.

“Mac’s character development resonated with me. Even though it was over the top and exaggerated in the show, the extreme Christian life of a closeted gay person and falling in love with your best friend was relatable.”

It’s been a running element of the show for a long time that he’s very much in love with Dennis, and whether their relationship is another case of queerbaiting, a simple gag that won’t actually amount to anything, or the longest slow burn relationship ever, Mac is still awesome representation and an amazing character who embodies many of the struggles and hardships real people face every day. And he’s an example of someone who overcame all of it.

While the gang have earned themselves a reputation for never giving a shit about each other, it’s pretty clear deep down they do all love one another. To see the gang unfazed by and supportive of Mac’s sexuality, (especially given Charlie and Mac have been best friends their entire lives and Charlie tells him he’s always known) is clearly very comforting and inspiring to a lot of viewers afraid of coming out.

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I  recently chatted with awesome Tumblr user Sunnystruck. On her blog she explained the importance of Mac’s storyline way better than I ever could:

Mac’s coming out arc is so unique and personal to me because it’s one of the very rare instances of fictional coming out arcs that doesn’t involve a romance as the transformative catalyst for a character embracing their sexuality or coming out.

Even when everyone else knows and recognizes that Mac is gay, he still has to figure out how to get there on his own terms. It takes him so long, and then to see him love and embrace that decision about himself is so refreshing. He comes out and celebrates his gayness openly and because he spent so fucking long getting to that point and so much time wrestling with it in terms of what it meant for his identity and his image – which again, are completely personal.

It took him a long time to love a part of himself. And that’s truly a kind of representation that gets to me.

Even though I came out to my friends and immediate family I’m still navigating how to embrace that around them and seeing Mac be so gay in some episodes makes me feel so normal. He’s really fucking gay and it shows, and I can relate to that. And he still took his time and that means so much to me especially in an age where straight people claim to have gaydar and say they’re waiting for someone to come out but it’s not their call you know? It’s ours. They don’t dictate our stories, we do. That means something.

Meanwhile, Mac and Charlie aren’t the only ones who struck a chord with viewers. Dennis also got a lot of attention from fans, mostly, I found, because of his borderline personality disorder.

Dennis has always shown signs of extreme mental illness. He is immensely manipulative and cold, often being compared to a rapist and serial killer. While claiming to be completely emotionless (which most of the time, he is), Dennis is prone to extreme bouts of rage. While these moments are funny to watch, Dennis’ behaviour has always signalled to something more serious, and in season 10 he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

“I relate the most to Dennis because before getting treatment for DID and BPD I was very similar to him.”

For those who don’t know, BPD is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. While there are many causes for developing BPD, a prevalent one is traumatic events which occur during childhood. Many people with BPD have experienced parental neglect or physical, sexual or emotional abuse during their childhood. This would make sense for Dennis, as he and Dee often describe the way in which Frank is a terrible and emotionally abusive father. Not only that but in the eleventh season Dennis reveals he had sex with the middle-aged school librarian, Mrs Klinsky, when he was 14. Despite his insistence he wasn’t raped, the experience seems to have been very traumatic and has left obvious scars.  These factors probably contributed to his emotional issues and extensive mental illness.

“I don’t “relate” to Dennis but his trauma and the way it manifests has been really helpful for me in dealing with my own trauma.”

Dennis is an extremely complicated character, who may at first seem impossible to relate to, as his personality and behaviour are extremely complex. Despite this, or maybe because of this, a lot of people relate to him on many different levels. Some respondents said they also have difficulty comprehending social boundaries or emotional relationships. Some said that simply seeing a character be diagnosed with a condition they have is extremely comforting and helpful.

“I relate to Dennis in him having BPD. I didn’t even really know it was a thing until he was diagnosed with it, then I looked into it more to understand it and realized (to my horror, confusion, and ultimate relief) that he had the same thing as me.“

While in some ways I think the portrayal of Dennis’s BPD on the show can sometimes be quite problematic in terms of positive representation, his diagnosis has clearly been very important to a lot of people. This character is evidently very reassuring and solacing, and his effort in getting help and medication (although reluctantly at first) is extremely encouraging and inspiring to those in a similar position.

Okay, so that was a lot of information. Although, before you call me out for wasting time or over-analysing a sitcom, I’m not the only one:

So suck it. But seriously, while I went into probably unnecessary and excessive detail, I did actually have a point.

The point I’ve tried to make here is that TV shows are extremely important. They’re important because of the immense impact they have on their fans.

Hypothetically speaking, TV show creators have a choice to use their influence for good or bad (or worse, indifference). It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has succeeded in carefully crafting characters which resonate strongly with their audience, and whose storylines and personalities are so well thought out and developed they’ve helped fans cope with a number of issues they’ve struggled to get help for anywhere else.

TV shows do affect us greatly. While the most common examples of this are being heartbroken over your favourite character dying, falling in love with a show so much you make it your life or a show inspiring you to follow a certain career or lifestyle, the responsibility TV shows have for creating a safe and inclusive environment where you can see yourself  being represented is, in my opinion, much more important. From what I’ve seen, countless popular shows just simply aren’t trying hard enough. Shows like Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead have become slightly infamous for their mistreatment or lack of representation of POC and LGBTQ+ characters, and every day a new show emerges that inevitably gets slated for romanticising or glorifying mental illness.

To disagree and say that TV shows don’t have an obligation to be diverse is something I just can’t understand. An audience is never exclusively white, straight, neurotypical individuals, and to assume that they are is absurd. While Always Sunny has a long way to go in its inclusion of POC characters, it’s one of the few shows I’ve seen that present such varied and interesting people who are so easy to fall in love with.

It’s so important to feel represented on-screen, so if anyone in any way can relate to Charlie, Mac, Dennis, or any of the other characters, and become happier because of it, it’s a win. So I believe yes, TV shows are important, and their effect is monumental.

If you managed to make it this far without falling asleep and want to obsess over this dumb show together, follow my Sunny blog!

CREDIT:

Thank you to these people for letting me use your screenshots or taking the time to chat with me! 🙂

phenomenaaa

milksteaksandghouls

god-hole

macdennisd

wjldcard

How much do TV shows really affect us? Why are they so important?