#after years of therapy working medication and talks with me she’s doing much better than she was.

[enbycrip]

I’ve not been posting about various stuff I’ve been doing over the last few weeks for various reasons - partially sheer exhaustion, partially a sort of weird holdover of “not wanting to go on about things because that’s performative” thing, partially that, tbh, much of the time when I’m posting I’m so *tired* that dragging complicated things about my own life out is so emotionally taxing and difficult that posting about them feels like a spoon hit I don’t have the capacity available to absorb.

But that’s probably not helpful. So here we are. Post One is going to be about the rehab programme because that’s been one of the main focuses of my time and energy since November.

I’m in the last week of my initial free 12-week chronic joint pain rehab programme at Nuffield Health, which has meant free membership there with specific classes which include exercise and also a whole bunch of advice on things that are supposed to affect pain. I’ve found it - complex but overall positive?

- It’s a rolling programme so when I first joined I was with a whole bunch of older women near the end of their programmes. That was really difficult for gender reasons, feeling maybe this wasn’t aimed at me at all etc etc. It became much more positive as they rolled off and a much more diverse group of folk in gender and age rolled on with me, and I’m honestly going to miss my peers in this. I’m still the youngest in the group, and I’ve not talked about gender in it because honestly that’s spoon-heavy, but it’s been a lot less difficult genderfeels-wise than I initially feared. I have been wearing my pronoun badges at least. I’d love some more Pride and non-binary-specific gym gear - please feel free to link any you know out there from ethical companies; I suspect a lot of it may be beyond my price range, but saving up exists.

- My initial health check showed I had put on a *lot* more weight than I thought, so I’ve been doing my best to utterly revamp my diet and how much sugar I was eating in particular as a maladaptive way to manage fatigue. My next health check is on Thursday after my last class and I’m trying *really* hard not to hope that I’ve lost tons of the weight because a) weight is not an indicator of health or worth b) I’ve been doing a LOT of weights work over that time and it’s entirely possible I’ve acquired a lot more muscle. This would be a very good thing. Trying to manage all of this and getting to a better way of eating with the old ED demon on my shoulder has been *complex* AF tbh. I do actually really need to thank person-centred therapy, many years in the disabled community in general, and FatDoctor and other people in the fat-positive community, esp the trans part, for this not fucking up my head more than it has. I should probably drop my old therapist a personal email to thank her for the help she was to me on this - is that a weird thing for an ex-patient to do? Does that cross boundaries?

- The “general advice on things that are supposed to reduce pain” bit was a barrier for me because it brings up so much trauma about pain clinics and other medical BS about pain over the last decade plus. The fact that it’s ten minutes before exercise has helped; not enough time to build up anger and then physical activity to release it. It’s also helped that we’ve had a lot of group discussions and almost everyone there is chronically ill or chronically injured so it’s been sharing experiences of the genuine systemic life problems that come with that and a *lot* of discussions about how unhelpful the wider medical system has been. Patient solidarity is helpful. Who’d have thunk it? 😜

- I’ve had to *keep* fighting my own “ADHD extremes” personality tendencies all the way through this, as I have through much of the last decade plus. I am *bad* at not throwing myself at things I’m trying to really engage with, y’all. I am *bad* at sensible moderation. It’s not how my brain works at *all*. But I’ve only had one sublaxion and one POTS collapse in the entire programme, and I am fucking proud of myself for that.

- That notwithstanding, this has been A Lot, esp as one of the classes is on a Thursday, the day I see my brother. I don’t talk about him on social media a lot because he is nonspeaking and can’t consent to me sharing stuff about him, but getting weekly contact with him again has been incredibly important to me, and to him, from what he has communicated to me. It’s also high-energy and sometimes exhausting, when he is having a particularly high-energy day, or a tough day, and means cleaning up afterwards. Given how often much less high-energy social contact just kicks the shit out of me, I’m really proud that I’ve missed very few days with him, but it has been *exhausting*. I have spent every Wednesday and most weekends since starting the programme entirely in bed, just crawling to the bathroom, and even with that I am *still* just bone-deep exhausted right now, though I think some of that is still fallout from the *great* weekend away we went to for a friend’s 50th a fortnight ago, of which I *still* spent much too much time in bed.

- I think that, no matter how hard I tried not to, I let myself somewhat entertain the idea that this programme might utterly transform my health if I put enough work into it. Because no matter how hard I try not to, it’s *difficult* not to get sucked into the prevailing medical orthodoxy about fatigue disorders that a big part of the fatigue is “deconditioning” and fixing that will fix the fatigue. Instead, I’m doing a thing that is genuinely helping my mobility but any effect on fatigue levels is very much on the “increasing” scale than otherwise, despite the level of pacing involved (which is the only thing that lets me do anything at all). So after the classes end I am going to be in the space where I need to keep on doing this to keep the mobility improvements and the long-term effects on my health (particularly re reducing my huge osteoporosis risk) and that is going to be *tough*. Some of it will help, esp re the flexibility to pace around other things I’m doing, but making sure I *keep* doing this when it’s going to mean keeping on having to ask my dad for lifts to the gym and the level of exhaustion involved is going to be *tough*. Going to do my best to keep up with other group people there in the hope that will help.

- Doing this at a time when, frankly, Labour is increasing attacks on disability support is extra-scary. I am *really* afraid any improvements in mobility etc will be read as “well you’re cured then” as opposed to “you’re improving prospects for your longer term health and increasing your capacities in certain ways but the work it takes to do and maintain that has at best huge knock-on effects on the energy, including the cognitive energy, available to do anything else with”. The proposed cuts to Access To Work mean any work I can ever get is even more going to have to be remote, which is scary too. The way disability is continually viewed in such zero-sum, capitalist-centered ways continues to just sap my energy across the board, and I’ve got so little to start with.

[la-principessa-nuova]

Transition Check-in

What is this?

I figured it might be good to check in from time to time with a general update on where I’m at with my transition, both for myself to look back on and for anyone following my journey to get a quick picture of where I’m at without having to read all of my posts.

I plan on replacing this post in the link from my pinned post every 6 months, but if it’s been a bit since the last update, you can find any more recent developments on my #transition update tag.

Previous update: N/A Next update: TBD, est. ~12/4/2025

Current Status

I recently changed my legal name and came out at work, and a couple months earlier I had come out to my family, so I have suddenly in the last few months gone from only going out of the house in girl mode 0-2 times per month and only being out to a couple family members, online friends, and medical practitioners, to where suddenly I am fully out and never boymode.

As of today, I have been on HRT for a year (E & Spiro, and just started Progesterone) and I’m in the process of getting laser hair removal done on my whole body (which is as much for sensory issues as it is for dysphoria).

I experienced a lot of hair loss pre-transition, so I’ve also been using topical minoxidil on my head since just before starting HRT. I’ve seen a lot of regrowth, but it’s still a long way from something I’d be comfortable with, so I always wear a wig (or occasionally a beanie especially when I'm home alone and my wig is bothering me or something). I actually was just noticing today that it's looking noticeably better on top than even when I started writing this post a little over a month ago.

Milestones since last time

With this being the first update, I’ll include a couple early dates from pre-transition for context. I'd like to eventually write up a post explaining a bunch of the "signs" I missed in childhood in more detail. When I do, I'll try to remember to link it here.

~3rd grade: first particularly trans memory of seeing the girls in class talking and not letting me join in and wanting to be in the group so badly and feeling left out/excluded while being uninterested in whatever the boys were doing.

October 2015: Logicked my way into realizing I was trans, tried transitioning online anonymously, bailed on it a few weeks in after getting very little out of it, did not act further on it. I made a comic about this moment last year.

December 2023: Decided I needed to transition immediately and it could not wait any more. Started experimenting with clothes and makeup in private, rejoined Tumblr (and briefly also Reddit) to find other trans people to talk to, using a new name that did not end up sticking.

January 2024: Finally talked to my sister, who I had thought might also be trans for a while, and it turned out she was and by chance we started transitioning at roughly the same time unprompted.

February 2024: Chose Sabrina as my new first name by Tumblr poll.

April 2024: Started therapy. The phone consultation before my first session was the first time somebody else verbally called me Sabrina.

May 2024: Started HRT. (Yay! but then they texted my mom???)

Early June 2024: Marched in Pride "for work". This made my dad think I was gay (for guys), but something I said revealed I like girls (the something was “I’m attracted to women” so not exactly difficult detective work), so then he decided that must mean I only went to Pride as an ally (in prescription rainbow glasses that I owned for some reason)

Mid June 2024: Came out to my mom and my cis sister, but I did not share details they didn’t ask directly about, including my name, and they never saw me girlmoding.

Mid August 2024: Had my 3 month HRT appointment blood test, and I went there, out in public, for the very first time, in girlmode! Then a week later? I did it again! And a really nice little bonus thing happened that made my day!

Late August 2024: Quit my abusive job that was destroying my mental heath and went back to a previous job where I was respected and treated better.

September 2024: Had my first doctor's appointment in over 5 years now that I stopped neglecting my health (I scheduled it same time as my HRT appointment but they're booked so far out for annual preventative visits). I set my preferred name and pronouns and stuff for it, but then I boymoded to it, and that was a hell of an interesting experience, lol. (which reminds me, I need to tell my dentist about my name change before my next appointment...)

October 2024: Started ADHD medication, which made executing on things and even just thinking through things so much easier

November 2024: Reached a point where I was ready to come out to my dad and just needed to find a good time and a good way to do it. But I just kept hesitating and not doing it.

30 November 2024: a package was misdelivered to my parents’ house and my dad saw my new name. I woke up Saturday morning to a text from my dad asking about it and panicked the whole weekend until my therapy session which I’d had to reschedule for Monday because my therapist was sick (the universe loves its comedic timing, doesn’t it?)

4 December 2024: Came out to my dad, started laser hair removal, and started my first knowingly gay relationship (and first relationship period if we exclude middle school)

21 December 2024: Hosted a holiday cookie-baking event at my house and decided last second to do it in girlmode, and my whole family was there and saw me as me for the first time. After that, there was such a huge weight off my shoulder and things got much easier generally.

January 2025: Had my first adult breakup and it was really hard, but it pushed me to start really working through a lot of insecurities and issues and I really fundamentally changed as a person that month.

Late January 2025: I had a really sweet moment from my dad where he used my new name and it made me feel so happy and hopeful. (and unfortunately he has since reverted to not using it...)

February 2025: Finally did my legal name change, which I'd been using as an excuse to put off coming out at work, and then I came out at work, and with that, I was just completely out everywhere and I wish I had done it sooner because my life has been so much easier and calmer. Everyone other than my family has been extremely accepting and kind and I have never felt more confident in and happy with myself.

February-April 2025: Name change hell. Life was overall better now, but the first few months after my name change were extremely stressful because I was constantly having to call places and go to appointments and argue with people who say my name can't be changed, but some things were easier than I expected, and I managed to get through pretty much everything (including all of my online accounts). At this point there are only a few stragglers remaining.

April 2025: Went to work in person in girlmode (if you can even call it that anymore) for the first time, and with my newfound calm, it wasn't even scary. I honestly didn't even realize it was my first time until I was halfway there.

May 2025: Started Prog! Also had a nice rebellious haircutting moment where I cut my long wig short and it really gave me the feeling of like when a woman decides she's had enough of it and cuts her own hair. Really genuinely affirming haha.

And now you're all caught up and this post is scheduled for right now so I guess I'm done, haha

[vtforpedro]

long life update - TWs in tags

It feels like it's been ages. I'm so exhausted and in a lot of physical pain. Going on two months of it being the worst it's been right after a couple of months of the best it's been. Chronic pain + grief + trying to get help from doctors who should have their licenses revoked + dealing with a shit relationship with my mom + a good, decades-long friendship ending + the ongoing disability process with the SSA + LAW FIRMS.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't remember if I updated that the appeals council decided not to review my case because the 'judge followed the law' except that he didn't. So, as it turns out, my original attorney (and he did not tell me this) before he left, wrote that if they denied me, it should go to federal district court.

I'm now working with a NY law firm to take my case to federal court because my current law firm believes it has merit, and I guess they do, too. That's how fucked the decision was, and I'm glad my initial reaction of bewilderment and anger was spot on lol

The good news is, it should only take another year! ._.

My neurologist is the worst doctor I have ever come across and I'm quite literally stuck with him with nowhere else to go. I wish him upon no one. I'm so tired of calling the SSA, getting documents to them, signing things for law firms, contacting law firms, getting no responses, and contacting them all over and over again. I am in incredible physical pain, like this actively makes my neuro stuff worse. Everything makes it worse. I have autonomic testing in a few days, and idk if I'll get through it b/c I have to stop the meds that keep me out of the ER two days prior, and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is fractured and I don't feel like family therapy is actually helping. I had to end a friendship with someone I love and care very much about but who was growing too comfortable mistreating me and I was giving them too many passes 😞 I've known them for the better part of two decades.

It's been over seven months since my cat Isis died. I don't know how. It feels like she was here just yesterday. Yet, all the nights I've sat and talked to her and wept are all too real. I miss her more than I can say. She was my soul cat. I keep thinking about tomorrow and how she'd be so nosy getting into EVERYthing when gifts are opened at Christmas. Having to stop her, move her, laugh because she was just so n o s y and it was hilarious. And she's not gonna be here for that ever again.

I'm having a really fucking hard time tonight. It's just hitting me how god-awful this year has been and how I have a bad week to look forward to before even getting to the new year lmao I have to stop taking so many of my medications 48hrs before 1.5-2hrs of testing to see if we can find out Yet Another Thing Wrong With Me but knowing my luck it'll be 'no findings' and the mystery of why my core body temp plummets to 93.9 in the blink of an eye won't be solved until I have suffered juuuuust enough.

It never ends. Never. I want to give up. I'm so tired of doing this. I don't want to anymore. It never. fucking. ends.

I absolutely cannot say it's all been bad, though. I've met incredible, warm, welcoming, giving, kind people this year. Y'all have helped me more than you know and I'm so so so lucky to be able to call you my friends. This year has sucked for so many of us, but I want to say I'm proud of you, and I love you all very much.

My fic is gonna be printed in a hardcover zine early next year. I participated in a Big Bang for the first time and that'll also go out early next year. I'm hosting a tiny event in my tiny fandom server that I'm super excited about. I have a raffle prize to write (bagginshield !!!! SO EXCITED to revisit the og otp) and a Valentine's gift to write for another fandom.

I posted 401,000 words this year and wrote many more unfinished wips, plus a long one (90k) that I am very invested in finishing.

I painted and drew so much this year. I improved a lot, too! I got a couple of portraits printed from inprnt to see how they looked, and it was MY art, and they were GORGEOUS. I thought I would hate seeing my art professionally printed, but no! I almost cried. They looked so lovely.

My cat Lilly had health issues almost immediately following Isis's passing, but she is doing so well right now. She's blossomed into another cat, and while she's not my constant companion, she is with me so much more than she used to be. When she walks onto my desk I am to stop everything and hold her like baby in my arms until she decides that's enough (or I really need to move) lmaaao she's such a goober. My heart cat. <3

I'm not doing well right now--my MH is bad. Especially tonight. But it felt good to write the good things.

I'm sorry for my lack of replies and kinda disappearing. I'm running on fumes. I hope next year will bring physical relief so emotional relief can happen.

For those of you facing difficulties of any kind, I am holding your hand in spirit.

[firesnap]

Using this blog as a. well. blog. tw weight loss tw diet talk tw pain management or whatever you need there.

Last year when I went to see Lvjy in Scotland and England with Mia, I hurt my leg. Badly. I had strained it before I left and during the trip just completely fucked it up. My doctor warned me I had done pretty severe damage to it. Tore a muscle, the muscle now irritates my sciatic nerve and can cause intense pain. I went to physical therapy and it slowly got better but I still had trouble standing for long periods of time in October .

After everything happened in February, I decided I needed to get my shit together. I started exercising regularly. Drinking less. Changed my diet. I started working on losing weight. And I had really quick results. I've lost 18 pounds right now.

But almost 2 weeks ago I hurt my bad leg. I don't know if it was on the rowing machine or when I took the nephews to a trampoline park, but over the course of a weekend, my hamstring got incredibly stiff and I started getting this electric shooting pain down my leg that made it hurt to stand and walk. The act of getting out of bed or sitting (and standing) would hurt so much that I wanted to just stay in bed the whole day.

I immediately got a doctor appointment. My normal doctor was out of town so she sent me to someone in her practice. I needed pain relief and a rec for physical therapy. I went in knowing that and just had a humiliating experience where the doctor implied she didn't believe my medical history and acted like I was wanting pain killers (when I hadn't requested ANY pain relief other than last year when I was traveling and then I ended up fucking up my leg so bad that it didn't help). But I got a prescription for tramadol for a week (and I've been skipping doses to stretch that out), an order to take 800mg of ibuprofen on top of that, and a referral for physical therapy.

But I'm still in just. Intense. pain. At first, I couldn't get the physical therapist to understand that I can't do a lot of these exercises and stretches without crying. Yesterday she seemed to get that and we tried cupping(???) and some heat massage to try and get my hamstring to relax but fuck man. I'm in so much pain today that I laid in bed and cried just from trying to get up

I just don't understand how to convince doctors that I can't heal when I can't even walk down the stairs or through the grocery store

[wromwood]

Something happened in therapy recently that has definitely happened to me before, and I wanna think about it for a bit.

So, I'm transitioning from one social worker to another because the new one will likely be a better fit for me. During our last session, I answered a few final questions in the previous social worker's assessment of me. In a past session, I'd mentioned that I was autistic, so she asked if I'd had any specialized learning plans or teachers/tutors during elementary/grade school, particularly after any evaluations I'd had. I answered no, but whether or not I needed that kind of help, an evaluation would've been amazing to have at that time.

The social worker looked a little surprised and asked when I had my autism evaluation. She got even more surprised when I answered that it happened a couple of years ago.

"But that's so recent," she said, double-checking my age to confirm that I had, indeed, been a legal adult two years ago.

"Uh, yeah," I said. I explained that I'd only gotten my evaluation at all because I was fed up with failing to convince my parents to do anything since I'd started asking about this in my teens, and finally realized "Wait a minute, I'm a legal adult now. I can schedule my own damn autism evaluation."

After confirming that I'd been evaluated in a legitimate medical setting (in fact, it was a research center in the clinic's own larger medical system), she asked what sort of autism I had. I had to explain where on the spectrum I was, how I didn't have "special needs" as most people understood them, how I could be independent, the whole thing.

I guess the reason this stuck out to me so much is that she didn't ask all these questions when I first mentioned that I was autistic, or when we discussed how an ideal social worker would be one who was experienced with autistic people. We talked about this, but she only asked further questions when she realized I wasn't someone who had been diagnosed in childhood. I suppose the assumption was that if I'd been diagnosed in childhood, then it would've shown in my schoolwork or social life in a very noticeable way, but as an adult, I would've worked through it and become the relatively-not-very-autistic seeming adult I am now. Or that I only would've sought out an evaluation as an adult for more "severe" signs of autism that would be more apparent when talking about my life.

I dunno, I'm not upset about it or anything, and otherwise, the social worker is great at her work. I just it's just a clear sign that there's still a stigma (perhaps lighter now than it used to be) about when and why someone would get evaluated for autism.

[nightsjod]

Since your "Friends" want to check up on this blog instead of you facing up to your own actions of bringing this up and proposals for "discussion" yourself and see i actually did message you PRIVATELY like this should have been. here

you are one of the most self centered emotionally controlling and manipulative friend i have ever had. the fact you keep COUNT of every time youve "helped" me through my "Troubles" and act like i have never once done anything for you is utterly insane behavior. i am EXHAUSTED from it. you wanted to end the friendship and im simply trying to honor that. im not fighting it. there is no point in fighting because i refuse to bend over and allow you to control every fucking thing i do again and you will not give in to see your own behavior EVER.

sorry i didnt want to TRAUMA DUMP on an anon like you so much like to do and try to remain optimistic and positive on my public blog but since you want to air out my own PERSONAL LIFE ON TUMBLR which you are very much in the wrong for doing so, ESPECIALLY using it as a weapon against me, fine. and especially since you want to go into fucking discord servers to claim i was lying about getting help after your messages, and publicly trying to call me a fraud then fine. i will also be public and honest like you want.

i tried to kill myself over this. i sincerely could not take it anymore and i felt like everything fcking shattered because no matter what i did no matter how hard i tried and what i did it was never good enough for you. you could never accept that i had a full time job, i had other friends, i had my own issues THAT DONT INVOLVE YOU and my own ENTIRE life and it was NEVER good enough for you. mad at me because i "dont follow through with plans" like we arent 24 years old and i work 50 hours a week? when have u ever once texted me "lets play this together tonight. lets see a movie tonight" you didnt. you are mad i didnt make the effort for YOUR life. i DID go to therapy because of it. you want to see the hospital and medical bills ive been paying because of it? because i will. call my fucking mother and she will tell you what SHES had to go through from this because she is also done with you and you airing out every issue youve ever had on her every time youd come over and never ONCE asking her how she is doing after losing her husband. call HER and tell her i was "obviously lying" when i said i would get help.

i wasnt going to fight it. i didnt want to bend over and "Just listen and change my behavior" because i didnt need to change. i was DOING my best. friendship isnt a transaction, unlike you keeping count every time you helped me apparently i didnt bc it wasnt things i Expected returned or expected PRAISE for. i bought games for you i WANTED to play together so wed have something else to talk about other than Negative Topics because i wanted you to desperately feel better and happy with something but you COULDNT because you could not stop being obsessed with your own misery and nobody likes being around that. thats the bitter truth. so i said bye because it wasnt worth it and if ending our friendship was something you TRULY thought was the best course of action then like fine. whatever.

so please continue telling everyone you meet every day the rest of your life about the horrible bad friend you once had. who never did anything for you ever because i know you are going to. and continue to surround yourself with equally controlling people who validate your feelings. i will be enjoying my life and continuing to ignore any further messages as well. ok, bye

[medicus-felini]

ᓚᘏᗢ Small (actually not so small) vent below. [Depression tw]

I don't know how to describe it exactly why but I got a massive mental burnout the other day. It may be not my bestest decision to share it here but I feel writing it down is better than keeping it for myself.

All the bad things that happened and still happen to me caught up. I feel awful. I lie awake the whole night only to break out in tears when my partner woke up. There was too much in my head to even spell out what exactly made me break down.

I am looking for a job for years, trying to get a normal daily shedule only to never get an answer and to fuck up my sleep shedule for the 100th time. I am getting 25 this year. My depression and panic disorder I developed when covid began seemed to 'heal' in a way. I went to group therapy, got medication which I still take to this day. I am stuck because I have trouble doing phone calls. Trouble TIPING IN numbers for real therapists.

Time is awful. When will I be done with learning a job? I will be 28 if it happens someone recruits me this year. And then I work. I will have so much less time for things I like. Speaking of which: I catch myself falling into the 'I don't enjoy the things I normally enjoyed' loop again. That was one of the main reasons for taking antidepresants and it now seems to crawl back.

I want to at least do something I enjoy. Writing, drawing, playing video games. I started to feel little joy in it again. It makes me angry to not be happy with my time. I don't want this.

I text my family less and less not because I am mentally exhausted but because of their believes. All except my dad (which I always had little contact to) openly and proudly boast about how they vote right wing parties in Germany. You can't discuss with them. I can't. Because I instantly start crying like some trauma haunted 12 year old back in the day when my mom raised her voice. This party I am speaking of actively stands for traditional beliefs, inbetween against lgbtqia+ (which, surprise, I am part of).

They only see points they like. "Oh, they won't get this through, you will be fine." BUT YOU VOTE FOR THESE BELIEVES. You actively support these anti lgbtqia+ shit only because you are racist and intolerant towards NORMAL PEOPLE who live their lives in Germany like everybody else for years.

Next thing is they hate my partner. Something that really only was a question of time passing. My mother always seems to dislike my and my sisters partners after some time. Finding little things she can pick on and passive aggressively point them out. Making everyone awkward and feeling unwelcomed. I feel unwelcome. It is my partner. My choice. You despite my choice and thus insult me with it. Family gatherings became horrible. My partner doesn't want to say anything because he is scared to 'mess up' and my mother getting fuel for her hatred. My sister is young and living with her. She took on my mother's believes politcal wise. I love her dearly but I feel like she also only plays mirage only to talk bad behind my back, which she usually does with other people.

I feel so alien. I don't even want to drive over there to my birthday. I would love to but it doesn't feel like my family anymore. It feels all so forced. My dog gets older too. He is the reason I still look forward a little bit when visiting them.

Writing this feels good in a way tho. Even if I know the majority of my moots only as little guys in my screen, I feel loved. I will observe my mental state these next weeks. If it doesn't get better, I'll call my doc and ask if we can higher my dosis. Just so I can think clearly and focus on important matters.

*Siiiigh* okay okay thanks for being lovely babes ♡

[nyrator]

Got the Rotten Nyan tumblr queued up with art I've neglected to post on there.. keeping a few more sketchy doodley art still on Twitter/the website, but should be all up a little after midnight my time~

... still feel really self conscious with the kind of content I've been making vent art of lately, please don't be afraid to message me with any concerns or criticisms... I tried tagging it all with a custom warning tag (that way it won't nuke the post, I think...) hopefully that's enough... if not hopefully people let me that as well

In other life news, I'm seeing a therapist, got a job, etc~ More in the cut

So, yeah. Life.

Still a vtuber, but feels like I've stalled lately... Not in terms of growth (if anything I keep growing), but in terms of motivation. I have a list of games to play, but I just can't focus on playing games anymore, it's rough.. mostly do zatsus, but even those are pretty hit or miss and sometimes I spiral into really dumb personal unprofessional rambles...

My art commissions are picking up- more than I can handle, honestly... My clients have gotten pretty big and it's getting me recognition, I have a few big offers in store once I can get around to them and I'm excited about it... but commissions are hard. I'm going to raise prices in January, and I try to accept five a month... but I can't keep up. I can't even do one a month it feels like... And yet I keep getting dozens of requests..

So in spite of this, because of my own doing and lack of doing, I've been bleeding a lot of money. I'm at a dangerous point of money... so I finally got a seasonal job at a local chocolate shop.

Haaaaaaaa.....

It's rough... I was in a huge depression over it, and I still don't want to work... The people are nice, the hours are light, and the pay is better than expected, but it's still so stressful... My social anxiety is terrible lately, it makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. I can't stand it, I can't stand being seen, I can't focus or memorize anything on the register, I can't handle dealing with customers or fast-paced environments...

They say the season lasts until Easter because of the nature of the store, but maybe I'll leave after Christmas time if it doesn't work out.. It's really a pain, and also could affect things like my food stamps and subsidized rent. Plus, the gas I have to spend, the clothes I had to buy, etc etc.. I wonder if it'll be worth it (probably, but nyeh)

I'm in need of money, though... one, my phone is on its last legs. The battery barely lasts an hour, it's very slow and unresponsive, and the 32 GB of storage is becoming more and more unwieldy.. Going to maybe buy one tonight...

My throat is also been a mess lately- I've had trouble swallowing, to the point I was unable to eat anything without a 50-50 chance of just choking on it. Drinking water was like waterboarding, it was like I was drowning. After raising my mattress, it's helped a lot, but not entirely, so I think it's something to do with scarring thanks to acid reflux- been trying to get an endoscopy for a year and finally have one scheduled in mid December. I'm worried how much it might cost.. hoping insurance covers it, but I still had to pay almost a thousand for my colonoscopy a few years back, which terrifies me...

Other small things- items I'd like to own, taking care of Bootsie (she's fine but overdue for a checkup and she's like 13 years old), etc.

But yeah, therapy. Also started taking that- we're trying to avoid me taking any medication, but I'm afraid I might need it.. I see her every week and I've been going since early October, and she seems like a decent therapist- she's the same age as me and understands a lot of internet culture, which.. is weird to talk to someone like that who "gets it" (she's a cosplayer, for example, and knows of vtubers), but it's nice.

Been reliving a lot of past stuffs... Been trying to improve, had some good phases, but fell back apart recently and not sure how far I can really get... keeping my apartment clean is hard, feeding myself is hard, drawing and doing anything is hard. I don't watch any media these days besides some indie vtubers I know, I don't really do much of anything but be depressed.

My biggest issue, as always, is my complex/trauma/whatever you want to call it... I've started trying to embrace it the past year. I've openly admitted to it, I made an alternate Twitter account for vent art of it, etc. But it makes me hate myself so much... It's become an addiction it feels like. Do I let it consume me and fully embrace it, even though it will push people away and make people think worse of me? Even though it will attract strange people who want creepy things from me? Even though it's expensive and gross and exhausting and uncomfortable to manage?

Or do I try to quit cold turkey? Get it all out of my system, and then never talk about it again. Delete the vent account, stop drawing it, stop being paranoid without things to take care of it, and just move on. I don't know. It's a part of me. But I hate it. And I really hate myself for it, it's my biggest tool to hate myself with.

But I've tried to embraced it, and that's what the RN update will have, and I apologize for it. I don't know how to move forward now. Therapy reopened a lot of thoughts about it- it really is a weird trauma, and a lot of it stems from my childhood... I want it gone. I want to be okay and not hurt myself mentally...

But such is life I supposeee. Again, I apologize that most of my art lately has been venting about it.. even if I embrace it, I don't want to be exclusively that kind of artist, you know? It's just one of many aspects. But it's invasive. And I don't want it to be invasive, but I don't know how to handle it.

The main goal of therapy is to get me drawing again. To give me what I've lost- a drive and motivation to continue. It feels like I just go through the motions when I draw. It's awful. I can't picture anything, no ideas. Rotten Nyan is completely stagnant lately. I don't know what to do about it. Life is just empty and depressing, it feels like. I gave up on myself, and now I don't know how to un-give up. But that's what therapy's for. Hopefully it helps... She brought up medication again, and I wonder if I should try it at this rate...

My anxiety is very bad. I end up relying on my complex trauma coping methods a lot when anxious. It's embarrassing and gross. And it just fuels my anxiety more using those things. I can't stand driving, or being around people, or crowded situations. I can't handle stress, or excitement, or being praised, or anything. My nerves are shot and I just have to curl into a ball. I don't know how I'm going to improve, but I have to try...

And then my focus, which I just can't focus at all anymore.. I don't know if it's depression/anxiety, ADHD, or what, but I just can't focus at all. It's awful. Very forgetful, very not-able-to-draw.

Otherwise, not much different. Got the new Nagata Kabi manga (I still worry about her a lot... she's so relatable though, she speaks to me, but she flares my anxiety like crazy too...) Still obsessed with my Disney anime boy gacha game, it's great, Vil's great. Vil, Cater, Lilia, Jade... so many good characters....

I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving- will keep doing what I can to try to improve.

And again, I'm really sorry about my art output and that most of it is just gross vent art about a gross personal trauma... I'm sorry...

[the-rockstar-lestat]

How is the aspect of gender dysphoria handled in your kind ? I can imagine it must be miserable at times if hormone replacement therapy treatment dosent work ?

Fascinating question! Off the top of my head I don't believe I know any vampires who have attempted a medical transition, weather before or after their turning. So I will answer this question as best I can by telling you about my mother, Gabrielle.

What, did you think Gabrielle's cross dressing was merely for convenience? It may have started that way, but it didn't take long for my mother to begin preferring men's clothes to women's clothes, and it didn't take long after that for her to realize that it wasn't because men had more freedom, SHE simply felt more free in them.

This was around the time my mother abandoned my company, and society completely, to live in the forests or whatever it was she did for two hundred years. She tells me she reentered the human world around the time I left it, the 1920s, and with it came a new gender expression. (Before that, she says, they didn't really DO genders in the gobi desert. )

Gabrielle was a very early adapter of trousers on women, inspired by the likes of Greta Garbo and Katherine Hepburn. But she still identified as a woman. By the 1950s, she tells me she had found the lesbian scene, and that glorious word butch and for a long time, that was her identity. ("oh Lestat, you don't know how many beautiful women I ate back then," "....in what sense of the word --never mind, Mother, I don't want to know.")

Anyway, I believe that is what she was identifying as when I met her again, a butch woman. She had short hair for a while, cutting it off every night to better fit in with her subculture, but she, like myself, is a child of the 18th century, and didn't find her long hair a detriment to masculinity, despite her famous attempt to cut it. For a long time she wore it in a braid, along with simple, masculine clothes, mainly athletic wear, to suit her athletic lifestyle, although she occasionally donned female clothes, often simply to show off that she COULD. Sometimes a feminine touch was added, a pearl necklace, a high heel. But these were objects of our time as well, and not necessarily out of the bounds of masculinity. I don't believe she was ever truly comfortable presenting femme since the night I brought her into the blood. This was how I knew my Gabrielle.

Recently, however , led by the newest thought from the queer community, Gabrielle has begun rethinking her gender. She heard the term non-binary, and I don't think I've ever seen her REACT to something as much. There was something between man and woman, male and female? Something that didn't require her to confirm to either her assigned gender or the one she still had some resentment towards?

Since that revelation Gabrielle has talked a lot to me about her gender. Dysphoria was a term she used for the feeling when she was alive of "this isn't right" and may have been one of the (many) reasons she was such a cold person in life. Something was bothering her deep in her soul she didn't have a word for. Since she was able to present more masculinly she's been a much happier, much warmer person, she talks much more and is able to connect to people more than she ever could. (though she's still vice president of the introverted vampire society, second only to my Louis.) Gabrielle feels most at home in the queer community, and it's one of the few, though growing number of things we share. We invariably wish each other happy pride month.

As for how she dealt with it, her changes were minimal. She changed the clothes she wore, and occasionally her haircut. Gabrielle has yet to ask anyone to call her by a different name or pronoun, and she certainly doesn't mind when I call her Maman, though I most often call her by her name these days. Of course if she were ever to change her mind about this, we would all certainly oblige.

I don't believe she has any desire for surgery or hormones. If she had, I would have to ask Fareed if such a thing were possible. Our flesh is very difficult to pierce, but he has invented specialized needles before, I don't see why he couldn't invent a specialized scalpel. Our healing process is almost instantaneous, so the removal of flesh for what is commonly known as top surgery ,while painful, would probably be relatively simple to do and heal from. The adding or changing of it I imagine would be more difficult . Our bodies default to homeostasis (look at that beautiful science word I know!) as Louis once told you. I can see us rejecting any surgery or implants. Although it may be worth noting we can reattach our own amputated flesh. I've seen it happen and it's not a pretty process. I'm not sure what that signifies but perhaps....something.

I imagine , though, if a human was taking hormones before they were turned their body would maintain THAT amount of change, unable to be affected further or to revert. Like all vampires, they would be frozen as they were the night they were changed.

Anyway, that is in the realm of science poetry, but I can ask Fareed more about it if you like. It simply hasn't been tried. But I would be excited to watch it happen! I don't personally know any vampires who desire this, but it's a matter of time before we meet one, isn't it? And I have plenty of time.

@askblog-with-the-vampire will you ask Fareed if you see him?

[blackwell008]

This post really got me today because of the journey I’ve had with social media. I feel like I need to go back to the beginning when all I wanted to do was create art, write my weird screenplays and short stories.

A time when I wasn’t worried about presenting myself as perfect: something I’ve failed at continuously anyway.

A time when my love for filmmaking, my passion for the horror genre and cinema as a whole language.

I miss those days when I was in undergrad and my passion for cinema was addictive. I watched films from all different genres every single day after class (where we sat and watched films for hours).

I didn’t really care about social media at all. In fact, I started my first instagram because I wanted to network with other filmmakers to try to get a job- that was it.

Then in 2013, a really traumatic thing happened and I feel like I had a mental health breakdown. I used social media as a way to escape bc I was in a toxic living situation and had almost no one I could emotionally connect with and talk to.

Isolation, maladaptive day dreaming and misery is a dangerous thing. I started posting and ranting on twitter, posting photos of myself to impress people who were emotionally unavailable and didn’t even acknowledge my existence.

Mental health issues and social media can be a ticking time bomb if you’re not aware, medicated and have no one to hear you out or check up on you.

Eventually with life, therapy and support I am a lot better but I still struggle with social anxiety and living in real life and I used film to connect to the world.

The issue is now whether I still desire to turn my passion for film into a career; or do I just live life as cinephile while holding a 9 to 5.

Honestly, I’ve been pursuing film for 20 years; going back to my very first film theory class in undergrad until recently pursuing a dual MFA/MBA degree which completely blew up in my face.

The current school I attended was a giant clusterfuck with again: absolutely no support (this is another post in itself that I’ll talk about at another time).

I just turned 48 years old. I’m tired, currently broke and feeling defeated by life. Plus the trump administration gutting DEI certainly doesn’t intend to help Black queer women over 30 like myself.

I’m at the point I’m ready to give up. I’ve had so many setbacks, physical and mental health issues that I have to manage on a daily basis, financial issues I have to figure out how to manage (student loans😩🫩🙄).

I just want to be an ARTIST. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Yes, I know I could paint and sculpt etc. which I actually do. However, one of my biggest dreams is to write/direct feature films. I’m actually more open to working in tv now more than ever- seems a lot more stable; but that original love of film I had is still in me.

I keep talking about the film Sinners because it brings me back to that original passion for cinema before it was perverted and bastardized by toxic people I’ve come across irl, the fucked up sociopolitical climate we’ve been in for the last decade and my own personal struggles.

I feel numb. Apathetic. Indifferent.

I pray I’ll get my cinema mojo back like Annie’s necklace that she gave Smoke. Right now I’ve lost it.

This is a long overdue come to Jesus moment. in my case with my growing practice of Yoruba spirituality returning to Olodumare.

I’ll be alright, I don’t consider myself a victim even though I’ve been victimized so much in the last 10 years by America’s horrible healthcare system because of the systemic and institutional racism festering in it; America doesn’t give a fuck about the health of Black people, our bodies and they never have- a horror movie within itself . Again, another conversation for another time.

If you’ve read this far I really appreciate you doing so. Trust me, this was a process of 10 years of frustration.

I needed to vent.

I just don’t know what my next move is. I don’t know if I want to be a film director/ screenwriter anymore maybe as a hobby but not a career. I have to be more pragmatic and practical to pay my bills like 99% of us do. I’m definitely don’t think I’m unique in my experience but being a black woman in America I experience it differently.

[pomegranatedecay]

My grandmother is sick.

But she started going to therapy, working through trauma, taking more medication than before. I'm glad she's ("doing better"?).

The first thing I did when i got down here was weight myself. I didnt know how to feel seeing the numbers, but still told my grandma I wasn't hungry despite not eating and it being 2pm.

I already lost weight. More than healthy, probably.

My mom keeps commenting on it. It was one of the first things she did when i got to the trailer; she insisted on being in the room while i changed to talk to me and "catch up" and i was too tried to say no. I wasn't hungry then either. For different reasons, I think.

She says I shouldn’t be vegetarian. That it's too much for my still healing body after years of destroying it.

But then she also says that I wasted my money on buying belts at school because Im going to gain weight.

Im going to gain weight. Im entering my 20s soon and Im going to gain weight.

I tell her i cant because not one of us can afford to buy me a whole new wardrobe. She only shakes her head. Im still not hungry, but shes getting displeased and the spiders are mking their way up my back, through my heart, and into my throat. I eat a salad; i couldnt eat what they were making for dinner anyway.

She says nothing about it.

She keeps checking through my bags. Telling me what to expect. as if i havent packed before. as if i havent traveled before. As if i havent been to an airport before. the little cresant moons are taking form in my palms, but i console her worries anyway. i was born to be a shield afterall.

i promised myself i wouldn't cry anymore. that was before the antidepressants. i want to cry like i used to. now, it only comes in bursts; a tear or two before cutting off. i want to scream and sob and choke.

i get this subborn weight on my chest instead.

all i did friday morning was smoke in bed and dread going home.

I slept through the afternoon. Satyed up until 7am. Saturday, rinse and repeat.

my grandma is sick. my grandfather is grouchy. old people have more drama than college students.

i stole the golf cart for a few hours to get out. i met birds. and a turtle in the middle of the road. i named him jameson and we road together on the way back to the pond where i saw others like him. the waters pretty, reflecting like in a hypnotizing way

i didnt want to let him go.

the fuel is running low and i need to go back.

my grandma notices things about me. she always has but as ive gotten older shes been more vocal about them.

she says the light is lacking from my eyes. she says that shes sorry it was taken from me. she says she would do anything to see it there again.

she says i dont need to be quiet here, but im used to tip toeing around everything and being careful of everything i do and say, least it end in yelling.

she tells me i wasnt always this scared to live. i dont say anything back. i eat the pizza she bought me.

i throw up afterwards, even when i actually wanted to keep it down this time. i dont know what wrong with me.

sometimes i wish i could meet my creator face to face...

I have a couple of things i want to tell him.

but sometimes your only choice is to just get over it.

i made and list of dos and donts on the plane ride over.

Do: the ocean, used bookstores, small sips, naps, sunsets, let it go, hard hat and pick axe, blankets.

Don't: endless scroll, quick fix, divided attention, scratchy wool, identity theft, portrait mode, masochism, blood oranges, imposter syndrome.

small small weak weak covered in bruises too fragile too young too quiet too shy too everything

I keep sitting here thinking.

i feel like a little soul carrying around a corpse.

i am tired of being human. and sad. and angry. angry at feeling so much love. some days, i am angry just to be alive.

everyone keeps asking about school. and friends. i have nothing new to say really. they say i was smart. they still think that. i dont. i know i am stupid.

i feel like im burning like a dying star.

i have been telling myself for the past few months at least i'm not 14. at least i'll never be 14 laying in bed w headphones in listening to this depressing as music at 3am w tears streaming down my face ever again, peeling back glow in the dark stars off my bedroom wall. being 14 sucked. like, im going through the horrors and have no idea who i am as a person and also im fucking 14!

no, im 19 writing in my notes app in complete silence with a dry face and heavy lungs with no idea who i am as a person.

i wish i was a jellyfish; no pain, no thinking. just feeling weightless. i would just hope even as a jellyfish, i wouldn't feel lonely in a swarm.

[bunbeeplays]

Gemma's first therapy session wasn't very fun. Rhys seems nice, but she still feels weird talking about her feelings with a stranger. She'll wait and see if it gets better.

When Wren asks to play with her before her shift, Gemma's more than happy for a distraction.

Wren knows her big sister is in therapy, but she doesn't get why she doesn't like it. Talking to someone about whatever you want for a whole hour sounds fun! Wren has all kinds of things she likes to talk about, but the kids at school don't want to hear her cool facts about dogs!

It's one of those sunny days in Tartosa with a slight bit of rain, so considering Taste of Tartosa mostly has outdoor seating, the restaurant isn't super busy. That gives Gemma more time to clean the bathrooms.

She silently curses Aunt Hilary for making her dishes so spicy.

As Gemma's cleaning the sinks, Hilary comes to check on her niece. She knows the teen's started therapy, since she had to schedule her shifts around her appointments, and from what Gemma told her, the first one didn't exactly meet her expectations.

Hilary: How about some dinner?

Looks like Aunt Omari stopped by to have dinner with her wife as well.

Gemma: Thanks, Aunt Hilary, this smells so good.

Hilary: You know I love to cook. Now tell us, how have you been?

Gemma: Fine, I guess. You both know I started going to therapy and that's been…

Gemma doesn't want to disparage her other aunt's career, but she doesn't want to lie either.

Gemma: I dunno, it was kind of awkward to be honest. Maybe I didn't do it right.

Hilary: There's no right way to do therapy, dear.

Omari: It can take a few sessions to get used to it.

Omari: Rhys is good at what he does, but that doesn't mean you have to keep seeing him if you think another someone else might be a better fit. There's no shame in that.

Gemma: No, it's not him. He seems cool… I'd rather just… not have to do it at all.

Hilary: I can relate.

Hilary: It took me months to get comfortable with my therapist, but it's really helped me manage my OCD.

Gemma: I didn't know you had OCD.

Hilary: Neither did I until SHE diagnosed me on our second date.

Omari: Love, you washed your hands twice before we were even seated.

From what Gemma's dad has told her, his and Hilary's parents were mostly progressive, just not exactly knowledgeable about much regarding mental health.

Hilary: Therapy isn't fun, but learning how to process my obsessive thoughts and emotions was life-changing.

Hilary: I'm sure you'd rather do anything else, but getting a headstart on learning better coping mechanisms will only benefit you, sweetheart.

Gemma: Yeah…

It must have been hard struggling without any help all those years. Maybe it is a blessing they caught this early.

Fidgeting in her seat, Gemma asks something she didn't know how to ask her parents.

Gemma: Rhys said medication might help… What do you guys think?

Omari: It's a very personal decision, but I've seen medication work wonders for my clients.

Hilary: And me.

Gemma: You're on medication, Aunt Hilary?

Hilary: Sure am. It's not a magic fix, but it does ease some of the symptoms.

Gemma: Do you… Do you ever get to stop?

Hilary: Some do, but I'm not sure for me. Even if I have to take it for the rest of my life, I'm okay with that.

The thought of being dependent on a substance for the rest of her life seems so daunting to Gemma, but her Aunt Hilary always seems like she has her plum together, and that's what Gemma wants.

Gemma: I think I can keep giving therapy a try. And maybe the medication too.

After finishing her dinner, Gemma asks what else needs to be done now that the bathroom is clean.

Hilary: Well, the dishwasher broke, so I'll need you to handwash all the dirty dishes and cutlery.

Maybe being medicated would make this job suck less.

[bisluthq]

and he sorta chimed in towards the end that maybe she'd be less miserable if she stopped drinking and went to therapy and she lost her shit at him and then blamed me for "always siding with him" and implied like I do that because it gives me a cushy life in my nice house with my bf who pays for things and fixes my broken passenger car door lol and I was like "um no it's actually because he was... right..." but like that's the kind of person she is?? So no I don't want to be friends again but also like I STILL FEEL SO BAD lol.

//////////

Oooooh this just really solidified it all for me lol. So I don’t want to put words in your mouth but following along it seems like you have worked hard on your relationship with alcohol and how much you consume and when and WHY, and whether you felt better off it cause hypomania or not, YOU HAVE DONE THE WORK. Hypomania doesn’t usually make people do a backflip on their lifestyle that’s actually healthy? Like someone might take up running but then the mania part is signing up for marathons after a week and feeling like they saw god, not going ‘I kinda like cocktails and enjoy a light buzz and a wine paired with this meal, but whiskey is actually gross’ (idk, but you just seem more mindful to me which is what I’m getting at. And all alcohol to me tasted like cleaning products so idk much about it).

You’ve also talked about REALLY TRYING for years and DOING THE WORK with keeping up with therapy, medication, improving communication with your bf, both of you working on things that came up in your rs because of insecurities/ past experiences, whatever… kudos to you! So many people go to therapy, complain, get advice, don’t take it, and keep destructive habits because it’s easier than being uncomfortable with whatever advice they got (some people also just aren’t ready - been there lol).

Seeing a glimmer into how bad things have been for you though with the hospitalisations and stuff, and working out all that comes with the new diagnosis, I think the risk of this girl triggering you too much or derailing you really isn’t worth it. And not to be a bitch, but that comment she made - she doesn’t take accountability, she’s not willing to do the work, and she insulted your relationship and basically called you fake and said you’re in a sugar relationship, which is SHITTY for a friend to say no matter how drunk they were or if it was jealousy or what.

You feel bad cause you care about people and don’t want them to feel shit. Sounds like she is sad because you didn’t meet an expectation that wasn’t communicated with you, but she also didn’t rise to the occasion when you were in hospital. So she isn’t even living by example or putting in the effort to be like ‘this is how *I* treat my friends and the standard I expect’. You did the same and she got pissy and tried to emotionally blackmail your bf.

I had a friend like this as part of a big group. She was chaos walking, she got drunk and ruined nights - like putting her hand into an uncut bday cake before we sang happy bday, then when multiple people were annoyed or hurt (it was a fancy cake custom ordered, which weren’t big out here at the time and really touched the bday girl and she was so looking forward to it and we were too because it was like $200 which is ridiculous but bday girl LOVED this fancy type cake). Anyway, I’ll call her Amy (very fake name), Amy was then like ‘omg you’re all soooooo dramatic it’s just cake and we’re not kids and bdays aren’t that important 🙄’ but this chick went all out in planning her bday and texted us what she wanted as a group gift lmao. So she got what she wanted but treated others like shit.

Eventually Amy phased herself out because we were “boring” and she trashed us all on social media when she made friends with this drug den crew and she’d post pics about how she “FINALLY HAS REAL FRIENDS WHO GET HER” but we always had “party mums” and designated drivers. Her new friends didn’t. So when she woke up covered in vomit she was pissed at them for not taking care of her but they just didn’t do that. We forcibly held Amy down when she was trying to hurt herself, then staged an intervention and had a plan where several of us asked her to get help. She thought it was an attack and told us to fuck off. Not an uncommon reaction but.

Anyway, we noticed how much more relaxed we were without Amy, people drank less and there wasn’t a need for “party mums” because no one was pushing their limits. We started going to nicer places because we weren’t worried about her deliberately breaking plates, glasses and stealing cutlery anymore. And even though she phased herself out, we cared about her and still invited her because some times she could be THE SWEETEST and we thought that was the real her. Then we phased her out and honestly forgot about her pretty quickly because it was going so well lol. She also stole from our houses when we still lived with parents btw (most people don’t move out until 25+ here). When I had a broken ankle she took my crutches (people did this) but she threw them in the pool in winter ans someone else had to go in freezing to get them for me after wondering where they were for over an hour and her refusing to say.

Anyway, eventually Amy reached out to all of us and apologised and invited us to a house party as a peace offering. Only one person out of about 15 replied and went to her house, where Amy cried about how awful we were for not accepting her apology. My other friend who went explained Amy had caused a lot of hurt a lot of times and everyone was tired. Amy yelled at her and said all the ways we were bad people.

I felt bad ignoring Amy’s olive branch but felt like I made the right decision after finding out how things went down. I saw her a while later and I had felt bad about ghosting so we spoke friendly chitchat. She was trying to say we should have lunch and idk where I got the confidence from tbh but I told her, “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I think you can be a lovely person and that is who you are deep down, but you really hurt me with xyz, you never apologised and laughed at me for being hurt, and you appear to make no effort to change. I care about you, but I can’t watch you self destruct and I can’t go down that road with you because my health is shaky at best right now (for very unrelated reasons), and that is my number one priority. If you’re ready to see a therapist or go to rehab and need help with arranging it, I’ll take you and sit in the waiting room, but I’m not equipped to be your crisis hotline, as much as I want to help you, and then I don’t know when you’re serious (she had “joked” about wanting to kill herself and called me at all hours of the night just to laugh at me for believing her and caring 💀).” She just stood there and wasn’t prepared for me to be so bold, said ‘ok well I wish you well….bye’ and that was it. Then she made social media posts about how “an old friend” wanted her to kill herself.

Last I heard she dated a Scientologist and got right into it, then decided she hated it and went to therapy is doing well - yay.

I share this as my way of relating and seeing if anything resonates with you because despite the chaos and her being a bit of a bitch many times, it ate me up until our final confrontation! I wanted Nothing to do with her but wanted to help her but …. Rinse and repeat…

So I think there are a few things you can do:

1. Ghost her. View her as a toxic substance to your health - doesn’t mean she’s a toxic person, but for you, she’s not healthy. Prioritise the things you seem to prioritise, your health and your relationship with your bf, because it doesn’t sound like she’s good for your rs either, but I could be wrong. Has your bf weighed in on this?

2. Write a letter and never send it, list all the reasons why you care about her but CAN’T start up again. It might help you think more clearly.

3. Meet up and say you’ve been through a lot and made a lot of changes to your lifestyle. Don’t disclose anything you don’t want to, keep it vague if you want. See how she reacts, she might be sympathetic and curious and be someone less chaotic now (doubt it based on what she said to your bf but maybe she was having a bad day idk) and you can be “new friends” as these new versions of yourself. Or her reaction will validate you not wanting to be around her and you can say ‘sorry, this isn’t going to work. Good luck babe but I think it’s best we keep our distance for a while/ good luck babe.’

4. Say it seems we have both hurt each other and I don’t want to hurt you more, I’m sure you don’t want to hurt me, but I don’t want to rehash everything we’ve each done. I hope you can find a better support system, thx 4 the memories x x’ and then it’s a no blame goodbye lol. Or you could throw in a boundary like ‘maybe in time when we’re both in a better headspace we can have a healthy friendship, but until I am strong enough/ whatever phrase, and you have worked on the things we talked about (if you think you could do better and benefit from therapy), I can’t be around you.

You can say goodbye in a way where you’re not feeling bad for ghosting but also make it sound nice but it’s actually a firm “please dni until you go to therapy and change” which it sounds like she’s not ready for.

Hope this long af essay helped. Sending love, friendship breakups SUCK 🩷

thank you!!! This really helped.

also Amy sounds like she highkey sucks but fwiw so does my girl lmao.

also like... I'm just thinking about all the annoying things my girl did (let's call her Susan) lmao like when she was with her ex (so when I first met her) she used to get drunk and hit on MY bf which I wasn't bothered by because it was so sloppy and like weird and very much clearly designed to make her own bf jealous (I don't think it really worked lmao but I do think that was the primary goal because she stopped doing it when they broke up) but like on the whole it was weird and annoying. And she's ruined multiple parties at my house by getting sloppy wasted so like I say, none of my other friends like her. When she was with her ex, she'd also pick a fight with him or start flirting with other guys and make it all weird for all of us.

I do think deep down she is a very nice person, and when I was drinking a LOT like it was fun to go out with her and also fun to like go to her house (she lives alone post the breakup) and like get drunk and watch dumb shit on TV but overall yea not the healthiest friendship and the point at which she was calling me three times a day just to like complain about work/her other friends being bad friends/her family/her ex was EXHAUSTING. And that also really annoyed my bf because every night I'd be on the phone with her for like an hour and he'd want to watch something or even just like chat and instead I'd have to be talking to 'Susan' and then I'd be telling him what's wrong with Susan's life and why she needed that and it seriously irritated him. You're right, she wasn't good for the relationship. He certainly hasn't missed her but he did feel bad for her after he ran into her in the shops (which is why he told me) and he asked like if I want to reach out to her because she seems like she's really not doing well (but that's unsurprising because in the entire time I know her, she never seems to be doing well lol).

also on the 'sugar' thing I think that's a big thing for HER? Because two years ago when my bf and I went to Europe, she kept saying her bf doesn't "take" her anywhere - not to Europe but not even to the Winelands and stuff but the thing is he has his own business (a physical one???) and he also has two kids from his ex-wife (who obviously Susan DESPISES) and on the money thing she also used to fight with him for "still" buying things like birthday gifts for his ex wife/baby mama and "not just for the kids" and talking to his ex wife every day but I kept being like "BUT THEY HAVE KIDS!???!??!?!?!?" like whatever other beef those two have with one another, THEY HAVE KIDS so OF COURSE they talk every day. And it'd model a hell of a bad example TO THE KIDS if he like "forgot" their mother's birthday. So yeah no I should just continue ghosting this girl because she has brought mostly drama and annoyance to my life but it's still pretty sad because I do think somewhere deep inside is a nice person lol and it does suck that she is not doing well. But also she should probably go to therapy and try figure her shit out because it's not as though I can do that for her.

[iamdrowninghelpme98]

Entry 27:

2024

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

November

The holidays are creeping closer and closer, and with them, this hollow ache in my chest grows heavier. It’s like the world is moving forward, lighting up in celebration, while I stay frozen, still carrying so much hurt and grief. Last week, I fell into a bad place again. Alcohol and pain pills had me in their grip, suffocating me, but somehow I’ve managed to start pulling myself out. This week’s been better, at least in comparison, though I’m still a mess in so many ways. My sleep is a disaster—either I’m awake for days, restless and staring at the ceiling, or I collapse into bed and can’t find the will to leave it for days on end. No matter what, I don’t feel rested. I just don’t feel good.

I don’t talk about being sick very often. What’s the point? I’ve been sick for years now, untreated and ignored. I try to tell myself it’s my poor self-care catching up with me—my broken sleep schedule, my barely-there meals, my spiraling mental health. But deep down, I can’t help but wonder if something worse is happening, if my body is finally giving out. Maybe I’m just too tired of trying to keep it all together.

And yet, not everything is bad. I have to remind myself of that, over and over again, because it’s so easy to drown in the darkness. My sisters have been around more, and being with them has been a comfort I didn’t realize I needed so badly. My adopted dad has been texting me often—it feels so good to have someone to talk to, someone who genuinely cares. My job’s going well too. For once, there’s this tiny glimmer of excitement: I’m on track to get a bonus, which is huge for me. I don’t have much to hold onto right now, but those things matter. They’re keeping me afloat.

Still, I know I need help. I need to be in rehab or therapy again, somewhere I can work through the weight of everything. The medications I used to take helped so much, especially with the nightmares and flashbacks, but I’ve been off them for far too long now. The nightmares are back in full force, tearing through my nights like a storm I can’t escape. Lately, it’s the same one on repeat- the day I lost my daughter. I can’t stop replaying that memory, as much as it tears me apart. I think about it constantly, especially now, with the holidays forcing family into the spotlight.

I keep seeing myself there, in that hospital room, so scared and so alone. I was in labor, induced suddenly because something was wrong. I didn’t have R. I didn’t have my family. Just me, and these doctors who were strangers to me. I remember watching the door the whole time, praying he’d walk through it, praying someone- anyone- would come sit by my side. No one came. I’ll never forget that fear, that feeling of being so small and powerless. I’ve been in hospitals before, but nothing prepares you for something like that. Delivering a baby is monumental enough, but to do it alone, knowing something was wrong, was unbearable.

And then she was here. My little girl. But she was already gone. R came back only briefly after it was over, held her for just a moment, and then he left again. He left me there, alone with my grief, for the rest of my stay. My nurses were kind- too kind- but I couldn’t even speak to them. I couldn’t let them in. I went mute, retreating into my pain, and they must’ve known how broken I was. They’d come in with sad eyes and soft words, and I hated it. I wanted to disappear, to stop existing in that room, in that moment, in that unbearable silence.

I think about that time so often now. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I miss her more than I could ever explain. Every day is a fight to push through the heaviness, to survive this season that should’ve been full of joy and family, but instead reminds me of everything I’ve lost. I’m trying, though. I’m trying so hard to find the light in the little things, to believe that maybe I’ll get better. But it’s hard. It’s so hard.

[sincelastsession]

Mom got really shitty with me in the car and continued to fuss me about me trying to prove to her that these scammers that she speaks to are not real and I was trying to still explain to her that I was not trying to hurt her I was trying to help her avoid getting her heartbroken and that I did not want her to Live in a delusion where she thinks that these people are actually going to come and save her.

I understand what we spoke about in therapy.

I understand that sometimes when people are doing idiot things I just need to let them.

It was not ok for her to jump my ass after and be cruel about my partner possibly not being real and was he going to come see me? I have known him 7 or so years and been in a relationship 6 of those years. A background check was run. There's no script or scam. We both are poly. Neither of us can afford a visit. But we video chat and we have calls and message and Travis has spoken to him. He has never asked me for anything except when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday it was "trinkets" and he didn't want me to really spend more than 20bucks because he knows on ssi I don't get much and told me I didn't have to get him anything every other year. But I got him trinkets anyway and he went out and got a cigar box to keep them in and treasures what I chose to send.

I don't appreciate her questioning my relationship when she's talking to people that use her for large sums of money or promise her things if she commits fraud. I didn't want her to think a military general would need her to send him a dime for any reason. My uncle knows that general personally. My friend and his wife know of him and they were the experts to call. I was doing in my mind a protective thing.

To her it was obviously threatening her delusional happiness and plans to get money and a man to sweep her off her feet and buy her a country club home etc... my mother has always been after ANYTHING that could get her money or fancy things. My father paid of 60k of her credit card debt.

She's a psych nurse sure. But she's had to call me to ask me about mental health conditions because she doesn't know about it as much as she presented. She's only been at this job for a short while. She's done other nursing for many other things. I don't thing she's ignorant but I feel that no despite that being her job she doesn't always know what she's talking about.

She is elderly and she is very good at presenting herself as a strong smart professional and kind. But away from eyes of others she's very easily hooked to scams...like been doing publisher's clearinghouse and other types of mlm etc and diet scams etc other than romance scams.

I'm mad that I have to just do the "Let them" thing. I totally understand that it's needed now.

I actually was done with that and she's obviously still mad and threatened.

Both of my uncles are concerned despite drinking about her mental state with sort of things but they all fought and they're all at odds. At the time she had no problem with me calling anyone and didn't voice to me she was upset because I did check in to ask if she was.

This is one reason today I was sorta "wtf" because there were MANY other things to talk about. I'd asked if we could save harder stuff for a later session.

I do understand I need to learn "Let them" better. I do understand what you're frustrated with and it frustrates me too. My brain is going very fast. I've already heard and registered what you've said and it is a sort of agony waiting on people and holding thoughts. I'm not on adhd treatment. It was easier with the medication to hold thoughts and pause and allow people to know I was listening etc...

I still think there is something broken in my brain like autistic not clicking or other neurological.

I am very open to exploring ways to work around these challenges. If it's possible we will see how that goes.

For me big changes are scary.

Not using the correct words or tone is a problem I have that is a misunderstanding creator.

I explained why I use the terms I use. I've just been automatically learning and speaking this way my whole life. That imo is the autism. If we can work on that in a way I can wrap my head around what I'm not exactly seeing then cool.

There's a video or a few on here that showcases EXACTLY my frustration. I'll give you time to get to it.

Being neurodivergent and of different mind is a unique and frustrating experience I've always had but never understood.

Sometimes it feels like the whole wide world just doesn't understand me and wants me to be something that I cannot be or I don't know how to really really upsetting.

I would compare it to people not accepting that their children are queer and wanting to send them to conversion therapy instead of accepting that that's how they are.

I know that even with autism there are things that I probably do need to learn and work on but I'm really touchy about it and I'm really scared of change because I've had to find ways to be Comfortable and going out of my comfort zone is very very irrationally scary for me.

I am frustrated about the session which I expected to be really because I cause I don't know how to say what I'm feeling correctly and I keep being misunderstood and that is aggravating and I'm not mad at anyone really I'm just mad at the sitwaition of me having issues understanding and vice versa.

I do feel that you know you're excited to work with me and you know help me understand things better and change bad behaviors and tweak good behaviors to be even better or whatever the case.

Logically I understand all of it. Well as best I can. Emotionally I want to want to continue crying and scream and fight and all of that. I feel like I'm waiting on myself to get those feelings out of the way. Like they have to catch up with the logic and I don't know how to put it in any other way that's the best way I can put it I have a really hard time trying to explain things to people and I use metaphors a lot and sometimes that makes it worse.

The incessant talking and interrupting and I guess I don't know you seem to think it's from me not feeling hurt and the thing is I'm not like that with everybody. It has gotten worse and I don't know why. Possibly everything that's happening is all subconscious and I'm not consciously doing it. I'm trying to pay attention but I guess I'm not Recognizing I mean that's a total possibility.

I don't see how I was mean and that's frustrating. And of course outside of therapy you don't see how I got treated after therapy. And of course my mother was thrilled just like my father was thrilled to talk to you and it once again really did feel like I'm in the hot seat and I'm getting grilled and I know that that is not anybody's intention to make me feel any sort of way or I shouldn't really feel that way.

We can take a break from people coming in unless they call to make an appointment then I'm fine with that and I still want to continue therap one-on-one withh you but I am getting very burnt out on the interrupting subject and there's a million other things that I want to talk about and work on. Does feel like I'm going to have to tackle this before I do anything else and that is making me mad because I don't know if I can change it. It feels like I'm having 2 people please everyone and do everything in a certain way to fit in and 2 Make everyone happy. And I don't really know how to explain the rest in words.

I guess you could say that I am very rejection sensitive and there's probably big giant valid reasons for that due to trauma and bad events that have happened and events that have happened over and over and over again and I'm sure when I was out of the room my mother let you know things I guess I don't know and that's fine.

I get frustrated because I have this journal and I have the entire internet and I still am having problems trying to explain things because I read it and I'm like fuck that's not what I meant to say that looks this way he's possibly going to interpret it in a certain way and I'm worried about that and I understand that that thought process isn't so great either

And then there's the thing of doing cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy techniques with people who have complex PTSD or PTSD in general it can sometimes be very invalidating to our traumas and emotions and there's many articles on it.

Like to be honest when I journal I don't even like how I journal and it aggravates me so much but I'm trying to push through and not try and go back and shorten things or fix it or pour over it like an obsessive person trying to make it perfect for my therapist to read because then it would take me forever to express myself.

And it still takes a long time me just using Text-to-speech on my phone. Or just typing it out. So sometimes what I write looks like a fucking nightmare for anybody to read and I'm exhausted and I'm just not having the band with to go back and fix it.

And yes I'm extremely mean to myself nobody ever really needs to fuss at me or yell at me or even correct me unless it's something that's like super unobvious to me because I can see I just don't know what the hell to do about it other than apologize and continue to work on fixing it.

I do feel this gross unfairness that I'm the one that's been in therapy since I was a small child and you know the abuse that I have gone through not just from my parents has put like weights on me and I don't feel it's really fair I don't feel it's fair that I have to be in the water therapy but I am because no one else will do it and no 1 else can do Rap for me and I don't khow to do all of this in such a what feels like a short amount of time I have big issues with time sometimes times goes by really fast for me or really slow or I won't Miss A lot of time and I don't know where it went or what in the world I was doing that made the time go by so fast or if I was even mentally present during that time.

And I mean I'm at home I'm in my apartment I'm in my bed I'm in so much Pain. Physical pain.

There's not much I can do about it except bitch and be aggravated because it's just one more thing I have to deal with and smoking weed is not helping the pain and I don't have other pain medications I feel comfortable taking for it because I have never received proper pain management in my adult years I had a very good pain managemen a Doctor that is no longer practicing and we had everything to work it was working I wasn't having addiction issues I would take a piss test everything was fine and I had medicine for when I needed it for when I couldn't deal with it anymore.

And now I have the medical marijuana which is sometimes very enjoyable as a lot of people do enjoy it but I want to be more clear headed but sometimes I have to just fucking smoke or take a edible. It does often slow me down I've considered being like hey Joshua why don't we have a session where I Smoke out and get a ride to therapy and I ride home and I'm a lot slower when I'm stoned for pain or anxiety. And the thing is my anxiety medicine used to help a lot with the excessive talking and the anxiety but I'm in a flare.

And it seems like even though the Doctor has fussed at me to take the full 3 mg which I am trying to do but I don't like having to do it because I really don't want to fuck with my tolerance. Like that used to work really well but now you know I've been on it a long time it only seems to help like the other issues I have and it does sedate me but my anxiety and such my PTSD the things that caused me great disdress is on fire according to my Doctor and my primary care and The hypervigilance and theStress hormones and such seem to be overpowering the medicine. However if I did not take the medicine I would not be able to sit there and talk with you at all because I would probably be in the hospital screaming and being sedaided with heavy duty meds. It's all really frustrating.

It feels hard to just be a person.

And I don't think I'm like my father and I really don't like being compared to him I know that we have similar traits but I'm not my father I do not think like him I do not purposely act the way that he purposefully acts. And you know my father is kind of obsessed and my mom is sort of obsessed with me being like them. And they're obsessed with pointing this out to me and it makes me upset because I don't want to be a damn thing like them. Not with all the crazy shit I have experienced my entire life no fucking way. But I understand yeah they raised me of course I am going to be a little bit like them at least. And I do feel sometimes like I have some sort of stalk homes syndrome with them and I feel like I need their fucking approval and I'm so tired of having that feeling. I mean there's rare moments where I just don't give a fuck. But I wish I had more moments like that. Just letting people do the stupid thing is very difficult for me. Trying to talk to people about the stupid thing that they are doing that is bad for them and could potentially harm them or whatever the case is very very frustrating and difficult for me. I feel like certain message are cruel and other methods even though they're very direct and jarring to people I would rather just say something instead of spea fucking riddles and dance around the subject to where they have to guess and I don't understand really how neurotypical people speak.

I have always had trouble with that and I've always gotten like screamed at.

And you spoke about mirrors today and when I mirror people they don't like it but that's what I do sometimes because I don't know how else to act so I'm just trying to fit in and I think I'm doing what they're doing but obviously I'm not In some instances like clearly I'm failing at trying to mirror and mask And fit in with the rest of society because society is not built for people like me it's built for other people They do not have the same issues. And I spoke at length with my psychiatrist and his PA about how like 80% of the world is not nerd a Divergent and the other like 20% or whatever numbers that gave me you know we have a very difficult time and we're very intelligent and navigating through life is very hard and confusing.

I do understand how the DSM is very frustrating I don't even own a copy of it I wouldn't want to own a copy of it I have read other books about how they used to just diagnose everything as schizophrenia. I don't like that so I assume that that's the kind of aggravation that therapist feel like you mention.

And I tried to explain how I view it and why I speak the way I speak and II hope you understood that I am not trying to just use buzzwords and I don't even know what what you think about that but I'm not doing any sort of thing I've just always like picked up on what doctors were saying as a child and asked questions and started using that vinacular.

And Doctor Todd used to tell me that I would have to dumb myself down going to various doctors because they would be threatened by me using their language And it was very aggravating to them but he understood that it was just because I grew up in it and it became my special interes

I don't really want it to be my special interest but it just is I wish I could like bird watching or some other like Nish subject.

I wish I was obsessed with knowing things about something else honestly.

I mean I used to have a very large encyclopedia of knowledge about conspiracy theories and horses because I really loved horses growing up like obsessively and I had a pony growing up I was lucky it was a rescue was like a $100 pony and that was a good point in my life parts of that but my grandfather did not take care of it and it died and I'm still hurting from that even though my grandfather is dead and the horses dead etc.

And I used to take english writing and Western writing and I'm very good at it once I get back in the saddle and adjust back to it strangely enough I can't fucking ride a bike but I can ride a horse like a motherfucker. And I wish I could get into some sort of horse therapy for physical therapy type thing or just psychological type therapy actually looked up a traumatic therapist that used her horses for therapy unfortunately I think she quit practicing she was an older lady.

But also I could not ride if I wanted to right now because I am not small enough unless there's a draft horse. And I went off-topic so the following paragraphs are connected to earlier paragraphs.

I really was just trying to be assertive and I still don't see how I came across as mean because I was trying very hard to be kind and come across properly.

I do think that when I was in regions and between that time and after I got a concussion it sort of set my PTSD on fire and I had to calm down from that and I was doing pretty well and then the thing's following like you know last year did not really help me on the upswing because you know healing isn't linear. And I have theories that because I took myself off the pro's act that was making me horribly suicidal with the approval of my psychiatrist that the oc d and the other conditions I have that it was also possibly helping to treat could haveYou know not had the components of the medicine to calm that part down but also after I was in the car wreck that gave me the concussion I had a little bit of amnesia for a short period and it was little things and sometimes it's still a little things like there's people that come up to me and I have no idea who they are at time that's happened since. But I do know when your brain skaken and you have various conditions it fucks with those things. Not verbatim but the neurologist and my passed psych explained this. It was also Doctor Todd's understanding that it was probably a bit of everything and that the concussion did inflame it.

I'm feeling pretty bad and confused and misunderstood still. I don't understand why it's not clicking in my head. I'm definitely crying my face off.

You know I wanted to try and just shut up and let you catch up with my journaling and I know you're a speed reader but I told you I do type a lot I do talk a lot and I'm trying to like let it all out in the journal because it does feel like it helps to some extent I don't know what it's actually doing but I guess it's better than texting everybody and verbally telling everybody this over the phone which I know it's a lot of repeating and I don't know how to make that stop I have tried I have been trying it's been the bane of everyone's existence and my own for quite a while and I'm tired of it just as much as everybody else and I'm The one that has to live with it and I don't like living with it it's fucking irritating I just would love to be normal but I know that I'm not and I don't think that I will ever be normal but I would like to be better.

I do have a lot of triggers with therapy and I can't lie about that to you because that's something that you need to know I can't give you exact things. I don't know really how to articulate a lot when I really want to. If I figure out how to I'll explain it. I mean that's why I Post videos and info graphics because sometimes that's easier for me to communicate with. Sometimes just pictures and settings and art is easier to communicate with than words I have always been a visual spatial learner. If there was some way where we could use physical objects to explain things to me that might be very helpful. For example my last EMDR therapist used things that she would use with children and I don't know what they're called but she used that so I could explain shit to her.

Because I did talk a lot with her and that wasn't issue with therapy and I don't know how she helped me not do that.

I mean we did use the IFS system a lot and she did point out that the manager of the IFS system is the one that is talking so much and getting in the way of my core and I do not even know what my core is because it's very hard to talk to core because all the rest of the IFS system is guarding it and part of me even if I don't recognize it it's probably guarding Child me.

And I've done lots of inner child exercises but she's not there.

She's hiding somewhere and I can't find Her.

Or she's not there at all.

Sometimes it feels like my inner child is dead or never existed.

That makes me cry and makes me very mad.

Because I never really feel like I got to be a child

I didn't even like other children growing up I thought they were dumbasses I used to be in like second grade just sitting there watching people play and do what Normal elementary school kids do and I would get bullied for being Different of course because who doesn't and I just fucking hated other children I thought they were dumb as fuck and just disgusted by most of them and I thought that they were stupid

Not all of them but just if I'm generalizing. And how I grew up was very not great I mean I didn't get what I needed and being an adult I'm trying to pander to some of my inner child which I can't seem to find nor recognize if it is there like I think about buying Myself toys and things that I NEVER got to have or do things I'd NEVER got to do and Do That as an adult like I see a lot of people my age getting Back into

Because we have the adult money now and nobody can tell us that we can't go by the thing that we wan

But I have a budget so I can't really do that but I also own about a million hobbies because that's what happens I get bored I have to figure out something I get fascinated with a hobby I buy that thing and all the tools to do the hobby I start the hobby I get bored with it I try to find Something Else.

I'm worried that I'll never get better and I'll just always be this fuck up.

I mean because I've been abused so much it's hard for me to recognize if people are being kind to me unless it's very obvious and you know I do get defensive but what you saw was not really neat trying to be defensive it was just me saying something and it sounded that way to you and to my mother but to me it didn't And I'm sure if I had listened to myself recorded I might have been able to hear what you me I really didn't recognize what was mean.

I mean I know that the way I speak and we have always spoke has been pretty directed jarring for people and I've tried to adjust it and I've tried to please people and you know after a while I got fucking tired of it and just started talking how I talk and acting how I act because it got exhausting trying to police myself to make other people happy and then those people ended up hurting me anyway so why was I trying to make them happy what was the point It's just like

If my parents had a problem with my queerness or my relationship which they said they didn't have a problem with but obviously they do and that hurts. Because yes I have a hard time recognizing myself however I know that everything I do and say is somehow part of myself even though when I try to look at it I can't and I don't like that it bothers the fuck out of me

I mean when I was younger I saw the psychologist Doctor Carrie Mack and I don't know if you know about him. And he worked with me on cognitive behavior therapy and a lot of different things and I tried to get my parents involved with the cognitive behavior therapy because I wanted them to understand but then they just turned it around on me all the time and everything I did was wrong and I thought distortion and my feelings were invalidated because they would be thought distortions and not valid feelings for trauma as I went through So that's why it's a very confusing practice for me and so is DBT it's hard for me

And a lot of times things that I say that some of my excuses are just explanations to me.

I'm not trying to make excuses and try to make myself feel better and give people all this extra information to make myself feel better at least not consciously am I doing that I don't even really think that way. I think that's why I'm so confused about it is because I don't think that way and I don't know how to describe how my mind works so people can meet me halfway or be accommodating and it's a positive given take instead of me asking for help and then everybody kind of fucking resenting me

And that's exhausting for me andMental work is extremely exhausting.

And it's 705 PM and my neighbors have decided to all go outside down to the pool and start screaming and hollering and laughing and I can hear them talking about me and I can't prove it and I can't get out my phone and go on the balcony and sit there and record them because it's not going to help anything but still this whole situation is fucking distressing.

I would really like help finding a place that is good for me to live in other than this place I don't know if I can ask that of you I don't know what to do my mom and dad keep telling me to go to apartment complexes and call and talk to all these people myself but I don't know what I need to be asking etc

And then I'm worried about my ESA cat's litter mate who was the best buddy of Miss Spot who I had to take out of the gross fucked up environment into my home and give her the best last months of her life I could. That still hurts TREMENDOUSLY. I'm still VERY angry at my father and sister for the neglect.

All I want to do is go save the other cat now because my father's and sister's other cat are bullying him and he is a very beautiful shy sweet cat.

I'd like to move and go ahead and take him in. He was an ESA for me at home and does the same things my other two cats do to signal me.

And if it wasn't a good fit I foster with CABR and I know the foster coordinator and I know all the people over there and I could possibly find him a good fit of a home where he would get the love and Attention and calm environment and possibly be able to Help another person if it didn't Work Out with his old litter mate June or my Younger cat Griffin.

You know there's a lot of things on my mind other than just my family and the way I speak I mean there's a lot of puzzles and problems and things I'm trying to solve and it is all going on in my head at once and it is all very very overwhelming because it's a lot.

I feel spread very thin because I can't organize what's most important to do

I will often neglect myself to get things done that could wait

And I know that's not good.

I have many people I need to speak to and catch up with and I haven't been able to do that and I feel that they must think that I am an asshole and I don't want to lose connections with them because I'm having a hard time. And the thing is I've told them I'm having a hard time but I've been having a hard time for quite a long time and I feel like they don't really have the patience for waiting on me anymore and that hurt.

I really don't know how to speak to my old mentor Stephanie who is still friends with me because she doesn't understand me even though she tries very very hard to do so and she has her own mental health struggles and she's got grandchildren now and it makes me sad that we do not spend very much time together anymore and she often says very negative things to me and it hurts my feelings and Sometimes I wish I was more like her in the way that she just does stuff and doesn't fucking care about other people just like a large population Of people just only care about themselves in our self focused and I feel like I'm often the exact opposite of that.

I feel like I'm more focused on helping other people instead of myself because I'm better at helping other people than myself.

Just like you could put me in a messy room at someone else's house and I could clean it up and organize it but if you put me in my room it's a fucking nightmare for my brain

I'm one of aggravating things is I don't know how to talk without using certain terms and I don't really want to dumb myself down by trying to use simple terms but I know that I'm gonna have to do that in order to speak with your average everyday person that doesn't know so much about these things and did not have the experiences I had growing up and all that it's like having to be bilingual And I don't know like maybe another secret language a secret third thing that's what it always feels like it feels like it feels like it's just a secret third thing I don't know if you know what I mean by that.

Anyway I had some things that I was gonna say and I can't remember it now and I want to try and take a break and I don't know what I'm gonna do like I had plans but now I am kind of lost and I don't know what to get done

And I'm super fucking pissed at someone questioning my real legitimate relationship VS an imaginary one that's just a scam and I'm fucking mad about that still and I don't know how to get over being angry about that because I do not like people insulting the ones I love and I do not like people scamming people I love either and I do not like it that the people who are getting scammed get mad at me and do not understand What is going on and what I am trying to do to help them and just letting them makes me feel like a bad daughter. It's really distressing when mom comes to visit and she's giggling and smiling and speaking to her friend and that's not a real person that they say they are and I wish she would not pull her phone out to talk to those people around me because it does trigger me because I went through a lot of grief proving her wrong about 3 other instances of this.

And it put my sister through a lot of grief as well but she is better at not giving a fuck and blowing it off because she has the lovely brain of a 22-year-old and it's much easier when you're that age in my opinion to just not care and be all up your own ass

And I do wish that I could go back to my brain in my teenage and early 20s because I feel like I had the appropriate amount of no fucks given on certain subjects versus now

I was braver back then and now I'm scared to go to the grocery store alone

And that is not good and I don't like that at all and I'm no I'm not the only one because it's a common topic online with people there is even memes about it. But these sort of things I cannot stand and I'm tired of dealing with

It is frustrating seeing my sister fuck her life up and yeah none of this is in my circle of control absolutely none of my family is in my circle of control. And they are triggers and I love them any way even though they've hurt me very very badly. And I feel very rejected by them and a lot of people because people don't understand me.

I do feel more understood by other people who are similar to me because I think that those kind of people like me communicate the same way.

Like some other autistic people I know understand exactly what I mean and I don't feel the urge to repeat. I feel comfy and I actually relax talking with them.

Matthew the past person not to be confused with my ldr...was autistic and adhd. They felt like home and it was EXTREMELY easy to communicate with them about everything. Sometimes I have fantasies that they will divorce the wife and come get me. But I know that's a very unlikely scenario.

Matt and me want to be close. He's grieving things and being vulnerable with me and clear and learning and I think we're doing well on being supportive and clear with one another.

I do wish he would visit but I have insecurities that I'm sure he has that it won't feel the same in person or what if there's no in person chemistry and I know he has worries about his social circle wondering why he is in Louisiana. He's private and doesn't want to be nagged by friends and family who would find out and flip. They already don't like his other partner Kathleen because she is married. Her husband and Matt are just friends though they hang out. They aren't in a relationship afaik. So those ppl that had fits about her wouldn't respond well to me. However he has told me that there are a small circle of people that do know about me because I asked because I was like hey you know I'm not jealous I'm just curious but do you talk about me like you talk to me about how much you love Kathleen and he answered and said yes he just doesn't really talk to a large amount of people because he made the mistake of doing that with Kathleen and he got a lot of shit for it. And he doesn't want to go through that again and I can understand why he doesn't want me to be in the spotlight and people to be trying to add me as a friend or question my motives and my feelings for him like they did with his other partner. And their relationship is completely separate than mine and his and it doesn't really bug me too much because I mean it just doesn't I don't know how to explain that like I don't feel jealousy like other people do in my opinion. Like I've been jealous before but it didn't last very long like not even a full day. The longest I've ever been angry and jealous with him about another person was aspeak and then I got over it 1 day I was just like what I was just like whatever fuck it. I understand that he has a stronger connection with her since she's there and he sees her all the time. Like physical connection. And you know I've been talking to him about the same amount of time andI think that we have a beautiful emotional connection and when we did have a long distance toy we did have a decent long distance physical connection but those fuckers have very faulty mechanics and break very easily and aren't cheap to replace and I gave up on it for a bit because it's not within my budget and he bought the first one and so I would need to buy the second 1 and honestly I don't feel that the sexuality is very necessary and nor does he right now like we're both just not feeling eager to be sexual In a long distance manner howeverIt doesn't mean that that effects are dominant submissive relationship which is not supersexual either. Sometimes we have moments but it's not like other people I know that fuck like rabbits. It's not like that kind of thing. It's sort of unique unto its own. And I tried to explain to my mother the reason that I hadn't flown to see him and he hadn't flown to see me is because we are not in good places in our lives to do that and we both have big stupid fears and we both do want to do that it's just not the right time. And I don't view it as an excuse he has been very clear and so have I. I feel like it's a healthy relationship even though it's long distance and I am threatened and pissed that it was brought in to question by my mother today just as much as he was angry when his mother and father disapproved of his relationship with someone who is married already.

I mean he has expressed that he wants me to get enough attention from someone here because he can't be here to do that for me he wants me to get my needs met but I can't really find anybody here that I'm comfortable with right now other than my ex-boyfriend who is acting strange since he got s over and seems to be hanging out with people that I find to be still unhealthy for him but he is much younger than me. So that I don't know if it will ever be a thing again because we have gone from friends with benefits to dating back to friends with benefits and then he was out of the country for a year teaching english and he was very miserable and he came back and it was friends with benefits and then at 1 point he decided to put me in best friend zone or whatever the case and I was like OK and I accepted it even though it was sad And I did tell him that if he changed his mind to let me know and then the week's following he gave me very mixed signals because he would flirt with me Very obviously and I would be shy and then not realize that he was trying to get it on with me. And now when we see each other in public it is just very awkward and it used to not be and I don't understand. I mean he's sober now and I wouldn't change that I'm very happy for him but I miss the way he was vulnerable when he was drunk all the time. I don't want him to drink again though. And he's the only guy in Baton Rouge that I think I would allow to touch me at this point in time. Probably the only man in this state.

I mean I'm getting really sick of my pamentioning that I should date Travis and I should try out stuff with him when me and Travis are like you no thank you we are basically siblings that's incestuous disgusting no fucking thank you. He's not my type and I'm not his type we get along great as friends and I'd like to keep it that way.

Then I have Justin who cannot follow my boundaries of I will contact you when I am doing better and we can hang out and talk and be friends. Instead he is texting me random things and I am not replying because I am pissed off that he has crossed those boundaries. He is pushing those boundaries just like he tried to push me to have sex and I am very mad about that still. Because yes I understand that men just get hard for no reason or when they're turned on sometimes I get it I understand that but when you're cuddling with somebody and you're like poking your Dick into their butt on purpose and then pretending like you're not doing it on purpose that is violating. Because I've cuddled with many men and if that happened with them and they knew that we were not going to be having sex they would excuse themselves to the restroom and take care of the problem so it would not bother me.

I mean Matthew was asexual and would often have that happen and my ex-boyfriend would have that happened and I would not want to do anything other than cuddle and they would not ask to do anything further and they would be respectful.

And I am still very bothered by Justin because it's like I did really want to be friends with him and try out a little relationship but he did not understand me at all and he was very pushy and he would put things on me and so now trying to have a friendship with him feels very weird because he's nothing like he was when we had our little fling when we were younger he has something wrong with him there is something off

And when I say that there's something wrong there's something off it's in the eyes. His eyes scare the fuck out of me now they are not the same eyes I remember. And you know when people say that all of their exes were crazy that's a giant red flag because how can his past 2 ex-girlfriends be crazy when you know I heard all of the information and I feel like there's lots of missing you know plot holes. And I thought that it was gonna be a thing that worked out and we could date and things like that but as soon as he learned that I would not be giving him sex he quit treating me as nicely and he had a tantrum about reading a book about polyamory and I'm just like what's wrong with just learning about it then I thought that you were okay with that and he was like no I was gonna be that for you and I'm like that's not a good thing you don't try to be polyamorous for someone when you're not built that way. He was very threatening to my relationship with Matt and he was very disrespectful towards him and I don't like that.

I wish I could just well I actually could break the boundary and try and talk to Matthew because there's things I still want clarity on and I know that Matthew doesn't hate me but I don't want to cause upheaval in their marriage.

I mean he lied to me. And he holds himself at fault and he has apologized and I have forgiven him even though it was very hard and even though I still get angry about it I forgave him because I understand. It is pretty frustrating that You know he stayed in the marriage for his children and I know that he still can't stand his wife and that relationship but he's just faking it for his children until they are older.

I know this to be true because one of his best male friends is actually banned from hanging out with him alone as well because his wife's psychotic. She doesn't want him hanging out with anyone no matter what gender they are other than her and the kids and his family. However he and his guy friend who I also know did meet up at some point and he was able to communicate with them to relate to me that he was not happily with her he was just doing it for the kids. And they were separated at the time that me and him had an asexualCuddle buddy watch movies eat pizza sort of relationship. And he had lied to me about things to do with her but not about the abusive things that she did because I heard many voice calls of her just verbally abusing the crap out of him and it took everything for me not to pipe up and say something really awful to her. I mean I even helped him look for divorce attorneys because he was just ready to end the marriage.

And then at some point he decided that it was going to be terrible for his children and he quit with the idea of ending the relationship and started to go to couples therapy with her and they became no longer separated and that is what the lying was about.

And she was more angry with him And told me that it wasn't my fault and she didn't blame me and she just asked if I had sex with her husband and I said nope and we never did and all that ever happened is he kissed me and I was honest with her and she has control over his phone and he is not allowed to use it to talk to anyone around her but I suspect that he has another phone or when he goes to his mother's house Where he has a room there when he can't stand to be around his wife is when he gets on tik tok And He will like everything I repost or he will like the tiktok that I make. And I did have a very short conversation with him on there and I felt bad for breaking that boundary and I haven't spoken to him since but I talked to him to get clarity about something and he sent me a paragraph that was very scripted. But it gave me the clarity I needed and it seems like that's never going to be a thing and I am grieving that. And I was never involved with them to be a homewrecker I really did think that they were going to get a divorce and it didn't start off as a romantic thing at all we were friends first and he made those moves. But it really wasn't many moves to make because we were just so comfortable around one another and there was no sex there was curious kisses basically because he didn't really like that too much and I didn't care because that's not really super important to me if it's somebody I care about like there's toys I wouldn't die.

And I don't know I need to just shut up for a while but I keep talking because I'm stressed out and I need to get certain things out of my system.

I mean right now as I speak my neighbors are outside in the pool purposefully hollering and screaming and it is very distressing to me and when I came home to that bullshit yesterday it was very upsetting to the point my mom had to come spend the night and I feel shit about that but I am scared. To come home today and have those neighbors glaring at me near my apartment eating chips the same chips that we're in the fucking astray Was very telling that they are the ones that were responsible for touching and fucking with my property and that means they have no respect for me or others or others property and they don't care about anything and they don't understand what the word courtesy means and it's really interesting because they're muslims and Muslim people like real Muslim people who practice religiously do not act like that from my experience. Like I don't know I suppose it's the same thing with christians and Christianity I don't follow either of those really because I don't think that I need an imaginary friend to have good morals and values. I don't doubt that there's some sort of higher power of some form butI don't subscribe to made up imaginary friend religions that are more new than anything els Like I mean there's ancient religions that you know how to a female and in history it seems like a lot of the female dynamics in religion have been erased and that's fucked up

Anyway I'm off-topic again always it seems. But yeah my neighbors are outside being extremely loud and screaming on purpose because I think the office let them know that I had PTSD and I think they're just now torturing me aside from fucking with my shit to get back at me.

I cannot wait to move and I am so scared that I'm going to lose it before I get to move.

I wish I could just have a sit down talk with office mediation with those neighbors so I could explain to them that I don't actually have any problem with them as people I just would not like to hear them screaming and hollering and being very trashy all times of day. And I know with apartments you get a mixed bag of neighbors but you know my neighbors before even a fucking drug dealer we're super polite and super courteous. And it doesn't have to be this way at all and I think you know if the courtesy officer sat down and the office manager sat down and I sat down and so did the occupants of that apartment and I just explained that like Hey you're really loud and it's difficult for me to get any rest when I'm hearing screaming and nobody else around the complex does this because I go on walk sometimes when I can make myself get out of the apartment and I've never had this problem in the past 5 years with anybody that lives here. Just mostly people off the street and people off the street jumping the fence to get in the pool which would be loud because they would treat it like a public pool instead of a private residential pool.

It also sort of disturbs me that people have their kids playing in the pool by themselves outside past 8 PM at night II don't know what sort of parenting that is but I think it's pretty fucking stupid and 1 day they're going to end up Walking out there and one of their children will be drowning and no 1 is going to get down there fast enough or something.

I know it's a lot of my control is just frustrating and I need to vent

[briamichellewrites]

68

2006. After a year of being evaluated, Bria was finally diagnosed with an unspecified dissociative disorder. That meant her symptoms didn’t fit into any particular diagnosis. Emma was her only alter. She was aware of everything she said or did while she was in her body. Everyone was relieved that she finally had a diagnosis because she could start treatment. Mike asked about medication. No, the disorder didn’t have any medication.

She just returned from being on tour to promote her comeback album, Let’s Try This Again. It was given great reviews by critics and fans. Mike and Bradford were concerned about her being on tour. What if she had a hard time and needed to go to the hospital? They hired a psychiatrist to go with her as a companion. She did have a couple of episodes where Emma came out.

But other than that, she did a great job! Nobody except a handful of people knew about her alter. She brought in millions of dollars from ticket sales, marketing deals, and merchandise sales. Almost every night was sold out. Renè was keeping track of how things were going. He wanted to put the tour on hold indefinitely when he heard about her new mental health condition. Bradford respectfully argued against him. He and Mike talked.

They both agreed that going on tour would be good for her. She was not in danger of hurting herself. He listened to every point he made before agreeing with him. Yes, he was a businessman but he was also a concerned friend. He and Céline researched what Dissociative Identity Disorder was. She was currently working on her new French album.

They wanted to come to LA during a break in their schedules. Bria was excited about having them! She and Bradley were dating. He became used to not knowing what kind of mood she would be in when he came over. When Emma came out, he didn’t initiate anything sexual because he didn’t feel comfortable with that. He knew that she had serious mental health problems and he considered those when he decided to make her his girlfriend.

He also talked to Mike about what he thought. Should he pursue a relationship with her? He let him know what he was getting into. Bria did a lot better mentally when she was in a relationship than when she was alone. Yes, it would be frustrating sometimes but she would be the kind of girlfriend that encouraged him. She would be there cheering him on.

When Phoenix joined the conversation, he agreed. When they were dating, she was his biggest supporter and cheerleader. He had to take the good days with the bad. The good days when she was full of energy, made everything worth it. If he let her go, he would regret not giving her a chance. She had so much love to offer. He shouldn’t just base his decision on her mental health problems. They both hoped he wouldn’t lose her. If he couldn’t love her, another guy would.

He was so grateful he took their advice because she was everything they said she was! She made him feel like he could do anything. He didn’t need drugs or alcohol because he was truly happy. When her tour stopped in LA, he went to her concert with the band and Linsey. They were all in awe at what she, Bradford, and Mike put together.

It was better than her last concert. As she sang, they could feel her happiness. She had to be on stage performing for a crowd of people. They heard the sound of the fans cheering and singing along. She interacted with them like a professional. Linsey had tears in her eyes because she thought back to how hard she worked to be on stage again. She did physical therapy, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. All with a positive attitude and a smile.

Phoenix hugged her. Pride was an understatement! In the middle of the concert, she addressed the crowd. She thanked them for their thoughts and prayers for her while she was in the hospital. Her fans cheered. They were all expecting her to perform a surprise cover of a song. What would it be? Because You Loved Me by Céline. It was more than an appropriate song.

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'cause you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you loved me

It was just her, the piano, and her backup singers. When the song was over, the crowd cheered. Two hours went by so fast. Before they knew it, she was saying goodbye after taking a bow. The lights came back on, as Bradley stood in shock. Oh my god! That was one of the best concerts he ever attended! They all had passes, so they could see her before she had to leave. She was so excited to see them! They hugged her and said congratulations to her while they were in her dressing room.

She was bouncing around after getting dressed in her street clothes because she had excess energy she needed to burn off. She thought that was so fucking cool! They laughed.

“What song did you choose”, Rob asked her.

“Because You Loved Me by Céline Dion. It’s one of my favorites. It was either that or Coming Out of the Dark by Gloria Estefan.”

“What song is that?”

“It’s a song about coming out of hard times. Gloria wrote it in the nineties. She was on tour when the bus she was on was hit by a semi-truck. The road was icy. They thought she would be paralyzed but she learned how to walk again. She then went back on stage and continued performing.”

Wow. Just like her. Why did she choose not to perform it? She was saving it for when she was in Miami, Florida because that’s where Gloria and her family lived. Oh, okay. Céline and Renè were going to have them come to the concert because they wanted to introduce them.

Joe jokingly asked what Emma thought about the concert. She thought it was the coolest thing ever. They laughed. Bradley put his arm around her shoulder. It was one of those moments where he was so happy he gave her a chance. He would be kicking himself if he didn’t. How could he miss that concert? He would remember it for the rest of his life!

After a while of visiting, she had to say goodbye. They hugged her again and told her they loved her. She loved them too. Bradley kissed her before following them out. She grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler on the bus because she had to take her medications.

Her psychiatrist watched to make sure she took them. Good job. They said good night to each other before she went to her room to get ready for bed. It was around one in the morning and her body was starting to feel tired. She would wake up in another city. It would be another full day of radio show interviews before meeting fans. She would then be back on stage. It was crazy but she wouldn’t trade it for anything.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon