#not all women are funny but the funniest people are women

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

all the funniest people i know are women. men try too hard

[p4nishers]

can we actually take a moment and remember swan upon leda? can we actually shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and think about our lord and savior swan upon leda because i'm tired of doing it alone every single day guys

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.

[byfulcrums]

been rewatching rtte

toothless is called T multiple times, but the letter T doesn't exist in the alphabet of this world

i think hiccup was also called H???

hiccup went to the wedding of the man who tried to kill him and his family multiple times. no wonder he thought he could change drago's mind

snotlout is canonically a theater kid

"you're so small and cuddly" "please never say that again"

the twins are really smart, but they're also just stupid

hiccup straight up disappears when he's working on something

heather had a super noticeable crush on astrid

fishlegs got a love interest!! a plus size main character actually has a cool, badass love interest!

it was super hetnormative but it was cute

there was an island full of flying women who were implied to regularly commit cannibalism

hiccup taught all the riders how to fly with toothless, that's so sweet

everyone is a flat earther except for the twins

hiccup almost directly killed a lot of people

and killed a LOT more when destroying their ships

“scalding– cal..ding--" "toothle, plama bla!" was pretty much the funniest part of the entire series

dagur was bullied as a kid by a guy 8 years older than him who literally tattooed an imagine of him beating up little dagur in his arm??? What was that all about

actually we need to talk about how messed up everything about dagur is and about how the things that could've/did happen(ed) to him may be the reasons why he's Like That

just why was he imprisoned by the outcasts??? he didn't do anything to them directly

oof my brain is spiraling. "he loved you" "ig now we'll never know" what do you mean he didn't know if his dad loved him

there's a technically musical episode

tuffnut became hiccup's defense attorney and immediately got him the death sentence

hiccup regularly jumps off cliffs

he also jumped off a boat, with his arms tied and without toothless. just where did he think he was going

snotlout's annoying attitude is actually because spitelout pressures him too much and he feels like he has to be perfect for his dad :((

THE 'HICCUP'S EVIL MIRROR' VILLAIN THEME DONE RIGHT YESS!!!

viggo is the best httyd villain change my mind (you can't, swords at sundown, you may bring backup but i will win on my own)

skrill comeback skrill comeback SKRILL COMEBACK!!!!

"COMEEE TO DADDY"

what is a boar pit???

oh my god i had missed this series so much. it has no right to be this funny

this was my childhood. it has forever shaped the way i am

berserker heather the unhinged >>>

actually good disability rep! yay

hiccup complains about his peg leg pinching him

he straight up cannot walk without it and it is shown many times

"well, there are the benefits of a metal leg" after it got caught in a bear trap

funny moments, like snotlout trying to steal it to use it as a weapon

the jokes!! toothless laughing at the jokes!!! hiccup being so fucking done with the twins, who are always making the jokes!

there's an episode where everyone is so sleep deprived they actually start spiraling

astrid becomes a happy go lucky girl, hugs snotlout and tells him he's handsome

the fucking mood swings snotlout got were insane

the twins were straight up just hallucinating

"i sent them to wash their dragons, how could they mess that up?" cut to heather falling on her face with a bucket full of water in her hands

fishlegs becomes so paranoid, he's yelling at everyone all the time

"don't you know the trapper's trap can trap the trapper?? ...oh gods, i must be losing it, i'm quoting dagur"

YOOOO VALKA!!!! it's so nice to see her

hiccup tried to murder dagur to stop him from getting to toothless, which is scary bc it shows just how far he's willing to go for his bff, but also funny because hiccup. that was not going to work

oh the hiccstrid slowburn, how i have missed you

the twins's made up language

there was a beach episode turned murder mystery and a musical episode held at gun point

hiccup has a whole little speech that he periodically gives astrid to remind her that the twins serve a purpose

[hotvintagepoll]

Propaganda

Katharine Hepburn (Bringing Up Baby, The Philadelphia Story, The African Queen)—(I hope someone else submits real propaganda but just in case they don't:) Cries. Screams. Wails. The woman who singlehandedly made me realize I was bi. A real "do i want to look like her. be her. or be with her.' crisis, where the answer was all three. Holy shit please all three.

Diahann Carroll (Paris Blues, Carmen Jones, Porgy and Bess)— Face of an angel. She had the range. She brought chemistry with every romance she portrayed. She also had a great fashion sense, and was so pretty Mattel made a doll based off of her.

This is round 6 of the tournament. All other polls in this bracket can be found here. Please reblog with further support of your beloved hot sexy vintage woman.

[additional propaganda submitted under the cut.]

Diahann Carroll:

Another groundbreaking black actress, although she might be better remembered for her television roles. She was also an activist and worked with charities to support women in need.

here she is hanging out with shadow prince anthony perkins :3

Katharine Hepburn propaganda:

I'm sure one million people will submit her as an iconic Hollywood star but that iconicness might lead people to forget just how insanely hot she was like she had it ALL she was skilled she was funny she was smart she was beautiful AND she was likely bisexual

The single word I would use to explain Katherine Hepburn's appeal is *range*. In her acting career, that meant covering all the ground between lush period dramas and the comedies she did with Carey Grant and Spencer Tracey. In terms of hotness, it meant an uncanny ability to bring anything from a Dietrich-esque androgyny to some of the best Classic Hollywood Glamour you will ever see.

Katharine hep was so cool. The VIBES, the INDEPENDENCE,,, living life on her own terms.

she just had this.... bearing to her, this power. she could be funny, even silly (like in bringing up baby) but also so regal and elegant. she was nobody's fool and dear GOD that's so hot

Fancam link

She’s not only stunningly gorgeous (those eyes that pierce your soul! a jawline you could cut glass with!) but her delivery and physical presence in roles gives off confidence and authority in such a sexy way (truly the biggest dick energy of Old Hollywood). Her fiery energy in The Philadelphia Story? Unmatched.

God she's. She's so hot y'all. She has the range!!!!! Funny and dramatic and lovely

She IS the transatlantic accent. Classically gorgeous and such a strong personality.

She's literally one of the funniest women to ever live! She goes shot for shot with Cary Grant in Philadelphia Story and we damn well love her for it! She's the most annoying creature to ever live in Bringing Up Baby but she's so insane and funny that we simply cannot help but fall in love with her (and root for her to give Grant an aneurysm!)

i know she's accounted for but i really want to be sure someone has submitted the scene in bringing up baby where she's pretending to be a gangster

She simply stuns onscreen; you cannot do anything but be captivated by her presence. Also a non-gender-conforming icon and mild tumblr celebrity by virtue of that one picture from The Warrior's Husband (stage play).

Katharine Hepburn was out here casually changing the lives of young butch lesbians with her gender swag! She wore pants even when people said she shouldn’t, she refused to marry or have kids, and she wore menswear in at LEAST one movie!

If I start thinking about her face for too long I will cry she is so so hot. Katherine is so charismatic and charming in everything she appears in - watch her adopt a leopard and fall in love with her. Also she has the biggest dick energy ever (she and her pal Lauren Bacall share that accolade). Also had an incredibly long and varied career from screw ball comedies to serious dramas - she’s a queen of the screen and I adore her.

Someone's got to mention it, but she's won the most Oscars out of any performer and is largely considered one of the greatest actresses ever. She's got an incredible voice, an incredible presence, and she absolutely steals every scene she's in. She was private person and deemed standoffish and unapproachable, but she was also profoundly concerned for people's rights and was an outspoken supporter of abortion access. Finally, the Katharine Hepburn slacks look is just iconic. I mean look at her.

This woman. I have been obsessed with her for years. I know the urban legend is a popular one at this point of her walking around set in her underwear when her pants were stolen and she was left with only a skirt, but the pants thing is honestly enough for her to be the hottest in the room in my book. She refused to wear anything else at a time when the public in general and especially the studios did not like that. She was independent, stubborn, and so so very capable. Competency kink anyone? Also, if you want one final way that Katharine's entire life was saying "fuck you" to the establishment, it started young! Her mother took her to suffrage events, and she never got rid of that attitude of justice. I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of all the ways she was such a badass that I'm turning into a rambling mess instead.

[arlens-entries]

I need other non-binary ppl, especially folks who aren't interested in medical transition, to understand we don't all have the same experience as 'they thems' who only get misgendered according to our agab in public.

I'm a short genderqueer ftm with long hair and a deep voice, I get gendered every way possible. Any pronouns work for me, so misgendering isn't typically on my radar. However, I often experience transmisogyny when I'm read as mtf or transfemme by strangers, and explicit homophobia when I am read as an effeminate cis man. I think some fellow trans people find this 'misplaced' transphobia funny, I have had friends literally laugh in public situations where I’ve become unsafe. And I think allyship of other trans ppl isn’t just acknowledging each other as trans, but considering the safety of certain settings and knowing when not to acknowledge weird comments.

It's not some hilarious moment when someone calls me a woman and 'corrects' themselves when they hear me speak, or a giggly bit when I'm asked to leave for answering a question out loud in a women's bathroom. It's not funny when I get backhanded compliments about being a man and braiding my hair or suprised comments about my choice of formalwear.

These moments aren't affirmations of my masculinizing transition, and strangers being 'wrong' about my presentation and gendering me as a trans woman is not the funniest fucking thing, especially in the presence of my transfemme friends who experience the same backhanded shit I do.

My experience can't be chalked up to binary transphobia because I very much present as a multi-gendered person. I suffer transphobia not because I am androgynous, but because I'm not sometimes.

[cleopheanne]

Random astrology observations (very shallow but fun ig)

- Mercury conjunct sun in a chart gives very logical/mathematical intelligence you will find that the best student in the classroom always have this conjunction, the closest is the orb, the more pronounced are these qualities.

- Venus in exaltation gives deep thinking abilities and it is perfect for philosophy, think about philosophers like Kant, Plato (allegedly), Karl Marx. Or even scientists like Albert Einstein ( Venus in revati),all influenced our modern world in an unthinkable way.

-Jupiterians remind me of the perfect rennaissance man who is all-rounded excelling in every sphere of intelligence: you will find that they really have a deep love for education: absorbing information and utilizing it in everyday of their lives.

- Ketu people are so funny, the funniest imo like they are kind of lost and dgaf about people so they are really blunt and random it's just very comical

- Mars men are popular or rather notorious: they just have an effect on girls from what I observed: Chitra and Dhanista men most of the time. I know a Chitra sun guy that winks at you everytime you cross eyes with him lol, a dhanista sun and ascendant boy that I know had girls writing their snapchats all over his backpack in high-school also he would get purchased by them like they would form circles around him it was pretty funny to see

- Purva bhadrapada men are SASSY

- Rohini women are really sensitive about their appearance and love when people are jealous of them

- Venusians have a keen eye for aesthetics

- When it comes to writing poetry: Virgo people are simply the best : Uttara phalguni, Hasta and Chitra

- Ketu women are able to see through the illusions of life: especially ketu on the ascendant, their intuition is simply always right

- Having your sun in the 11th house makes you very likable, if it is not afflicted you will have a large circle of friends, be well known in your area.

- A lot of energy in the 12th house add an air of mystery on an individual it can really scare some people off: they can be excluded from their community, can be deemed as scary or weird

- If you want a venusian to like you : be pleasant, smell good, be funny, make them eat well, give out thoughtful gifts. Venus loves sensorial stimulation

- If you want to know what life direction you should be taking, look at your d9 and d60 charts

- Pisces women are in tune with their sexualities: they can loose their virginity at a really young age and are curious about this side of life

- Ashlesha people need to be careful about what they say: they grow up in really harsh environments so they internalize this harshness and sometimes they can really projects on others and hurt with their words for nothing kind of like a snake

Anyways I think that's all I will comeback with more astrology observations on more specific subjects.

Also be mindful, you can not analyze a chart without looking at it completely so these are not to be taken at the letter close, it can always differ depending on the chart: it is simply for entertainment.

[fangedxnight1836]

Characters of the day:

The Jordan Family!!!!!!

Most underrated and funniest family in all of DC.

They have the most relatable and hilarious family dynamics ever.

It is honestly funny whenever people HC or imagine that Hal is a loner, only child guy who clings onto the bat family or others too seek closeness when he has a whole family with multiple nieces, nephews and a cousin that adore him.

Neeeeeeed a family sitcom about them asapppp

We will talk about a couple members of the family and give our facts and HC’s about them:

(I included Helen in a different post, so check that out if you want to see her)

Jack Jordan:

The oldest child of Jessica and Martin Jordan, the brother of Hal Jordan (Green Lantern).

Often seen as the “golden child”, he was the most successful in terms of employment and economically.

Jack Jordan married a woman called Janice and had Two kids called Jason and Helen.

Canonically used to cheat on his wife with many people.

Took a lot of stress out on Hal when Jessica got sick.

Some HCs:

The kids all know the names of the women that he cheats on Janice with, they make a Bingo card with all their names on it, and compete with each other to see who wins.

Calls Hal, Jim and vice versa

Janice is in denial about the whole ordeal.

Jason Jordan

Son of Jack Jordan and Janice Jordan, twin brother of Helen II Jordan and the nephew of Hal Jordan.

Protective of his sister, and loves his uncle Hal.

Some HC’s

He listens to instrumental music a lot

Pretends to like phonk since his friends do, but can’t get into it.

He makes a lot of Pinterest boards for the things he likes and uses it as a bucket list for inspiration.

Sends Hal airforce memes and any references to Green Lantern at all.

Him, as well as Jane are the ones who update him on internet trends he misses.

James Jordan (Jim Jordan)

Youngest son of Jessica and Martin, younger brother of Hal and Jack.

Husband of Sue Jordan and father of Howie, Jane and Arthur.

His wife (who is a journalist) married him because she thought he was Green Lantern, later found out it was actually Hal and … yea….

Hal’s most supportive brother.

Some HCs:

Knowing that his wife thought he was Green lantern still keeps him up at night .

He tried to become a vegetarian once and then accidentally ate something that had meat within it the following day(he cried ).

He plays candy crush.

Howard (Howie) Jordan:

Eldest son of Jim Jordan and Sue Jordan

Brother of Jane and Arthur

He is quite a smart kid, often pointing things out that even Hal doesn’t notice, and speaking his mind when he feels like it.

Some HC’s:

Howie pretends to be a superhero whenever he is alone in his room.

He always wears the colour green when Hal comes round.

He was the class president in his high school

He can name all the dinosaurs and spell them out correctly ( idk i just think he likes dinosaurs a lot).

Jane Jordan:

Is the daughter of Jim and Jane

Sister of Howie and Arthur

Used to have quite long hair, but cut it quite short

Some HCs

She is definitely the rebellious type .

Asks Hal the come to all her parents evenings.

She loves the young justice group.

She once has split dye hair (Green and pink iykyk).

She probably had a Ben 10/danny phantom phase.

Arthur Jordan:

Youngest child of Jim and Jane

Literally a baby

Soooo cute

Some HCs:

He watches coco melon.

iPad and YouTube kids enjoyer most likely says “Skibidi” .

Makes aeroplane noises when Hal comes over.

He knows everything and hears everything NO ONE IS SAFE.

Harold (Hal) Jordan Jr:

The son of Larry and Helen I

The cousin of Jack, Hal and Jim

He is the third Airwave and has “radio powers”, his dad and mum were the first and second. He inherited these powers from his dad.

Is implied to be queer.

Some HCs:

He sucks at mortal combat .

He always tries to help out and keep everything sane.

He tried to do a back flip once for the first time it went terribly and Helen (his mum) instead of taking him to the hospital she phoned Hal.

Doug “Hip” Jordan:

The no-good distant cousin of Hal and his family.

Runs around in a lot of gang circles, and tried selling Jim in a green lantern circle to a gang in an attempt to get into it.

Hal got him arrested.

Drugged the whole family and used the kids to help him do it.

Known as the black sheep of the family.

Some HC:

He is always spotted at the wrong times when someone is either hurt or fighting.

He sold John Constantine a vape.

He tries to use Morden day slang to fit in with the kids .

He uses the term “Where my hug at” to anyone that approaches him.

[raconteur-wanpi]

How do I explain that Caesar Clown is my favorite One Piece villain without giving people the wrong impression. It's like. OK. He objectively sucks in every way possible. Is he intimidating? No. Does he have any class? No. Does he have a single redeemable or worthwhile quality about him? Not a molecule. He just. He sucks ass. He sucks major ass. And it's somehow the funniest thing I've ever seen. It makes me cry with laughter every time he is on screen. I rejoice in seeing him fail and suffer. When he shows up I get excited to see what karmic punishment he will recieve. When he revealed he spent all his funding on women and booze I think I started hollering. His natural state is experimenting on literal children, being a horrible overdramatic actor with a kabuki theme to match, and sacrificing his own underlings for shits and giggles. His evolutionary niche is being the sugar baby of a wretched fascist blond king and if he looses one he'll move on to the next one. He has one of the most powerful logia fruits but he is absolutely incompetent in using it. He had just, a horrible, horrible haircut in his youth. For decades.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to have this archetype of villain in everything. You need a guy that only exists to suck ass and be funny. Sometimes a guy is just evil and incompetent. Delightfully simple and effective.

[maniculum]

Perlesvaus (Evans translation)

So I'm taking another stab at reading the Sebastian Evans translation of Perlesvaus, for... reasons. Or the High History of the Holy Graal, as he titles it -- funnily enough, the people who put out this reprint apparently looked at the title, said "we're not doing that", and spelt it Grail on the cover.

Despite the bizarre choices in diction, it's still pretty fun, and I want to share some particularly entertaining bits of this text with y'all. (For those of you who aren't up on the two different translations of Perlesvaus and don't know what I mean by "bizarre choices", the Evans translation is from 1898 but pretending to be from, like, 1498.)

N.B.: Marginal notes in red are from the last time I tried this -- they stop showing up roughly a quarter of the way through the book, because that's when I decided to buy the Bryant translation instead.

I just find this funny because "who cares?" strikes me as such a modern thing to say. To me it is a phrase that seems most natural coming from a teenage character in late-20th-century media. But nope. "Who careth?"

This is here just for the bizarre scene. We have three women coming into the throne room (riding mules directly into the building, by the way). One is carrying a severed head decorated with silver and gold. Another has "a pack trussed behind her with a brachet thereupon" -- you can see from the notes that I had to look up "brachet", found out it was an old word meaning roughly "female scent-hound", and then had the mental image of this woman carrying around a beagle in a baby-bjorn.

Again something I find funny. Gawain just leaping through the air to interpose himself between the horses and this hermit, like he's trying to take a bullet for them. This is entirely because he is 100% certain the hermit will handle the saddles incorrectly, and when the hermit assures him he actually does know how this stuff works, Gawain calms down & lets him do it.

This is, for my money, one of the funniest things in all of Perlesvaus, which is saying something because it is a bonkers text. This lady rolls up and provides that description, and the hermit recognizes who she's talking about. Like, "oh yes I did see a knight with a heart of steel and the navel of a virgin". I want to give this description to a sketch artist. (I kind of want to throw it at an AI just to see what it comes up with, but you know. I don't want to encourage the machines.)

This time I'm nit-picking the translation, because that strikes me as a misplaced modifier. Obviously it's meant that Gawain is unaware of events, but the sentence is constructed to make it sound like it's referring to the building itself, which is of course unaware because it's a building and isn't aware of anything. (Also, side note, I like the phrase "as methinketh!")

One more, and I'm leaving this for now...

Here is a case where I was going to complain, but on further examination, I must hand it to Evans. I assumed that he was just randomly archaizing, but I looked it up after uploading this photo, and according to the OED, this was a valid alternate spelling of sovereign from the 17th to the 19th century. (Interestingly, the latest attested example on the OED is from 11 years before this translation was published, meaning this is evidence it was in use slightly longer than the OED entry would suggest -- does anyone know if there's still a way to submit instances of a word to the OED?)

[ambermeh]

Chris Sturniolo Firsts

⋆ His first crush: does not really know how to act around you and will become the most nervous and giggling person ever. This man will just want to talk to you. Especially if you two are friends and he has feelings. 'why don't you come over, i'll get the food' 'chris it's two in the morning'

⋆ He will drop subtle hints and play it off as joke because he doesn't want you to know or him to have to tell you 'outfit looks good ma might have to fight the other guys for you' 'shut up chris, what are you even talking about?'

⋆ As much as he pretends to be a player around you or jokes that all the girls love him, he cannot even look or think at a women in the same way after having a crush on you for a while. To the point you will be at a party somewhere and you will try and set him up with someone as a joke but he is dead serious and will act pissed off if you mention it. 'what's wrong I was just trying to help you find a girlfriend' 'yeah, well maybe I don't need help'

⋆ as you two are spending more an more time together you start having the same feelings and talk to Matt and Nick about it because they know Chris the best 'i think you should just go for it' 'i mean if chris says no he literally has lost his mind'

⋆His first relationship: when he finally builds up the courage to say it I think he would make a whole romantic surprise. For example, you get back from a week long holiday and he realises how much he actually likes you and so makes you find these clues etc and will be waiting for you at the end with a bunch of flowers. (Nick and Matt were also made to help because he would be stressing about doing something wrong)

⋆ The dates would be the funniest thing ever because he will randomly think of things he wants to do and there is page on his notes of all the dates he wants to do with you

⋆ Even though he will act like he doesn't like the romantic shit that other people do he LOVES it

⋆ Want to bake cookies and eat them while watching a romcom, sure. Want to do skincare and put make up on him, 100%. and the TIKTOKS that he would post would be so cute because he is literally just in awe of you. Does anything that you want really.

⋆ Just wants to make sure he is still the funniest person ever in your eyes. I feel like he would randomly show you videos while you two are just cuddling just to make sure you find them funny and will text you at the most random time with a joke he thought of 'well you could always show me when i'm not trying to get to sleep' 'sorry it was too funny not to'

⋆ First pet: it would be a cat because even if he didn't love the idea at first he would slowly start to be persuaded by the tiktoks of cute and funny cats. The cat would have to be a ginger cat or black cat because I think he would want one that matched his energy. Gets it as a kitten and was all I'm not going to get too attached to the cat BUT when it starts cuddling him at night he will act like it's his child 'I'm gonna stay at home because I can't leave him alone thinking I've left' 'thought you said it was my cat'

⋆ First child: The sweetest Dad ever

⋆ Will want to play sports with them all the time and dress them in outfits 'y/n i'm gonna go out and play some basketball with the kids i'll be back soon love you!!!'

⋆ Records everything because he thinks they are too cute not to. (and sends them all to you) 'Say hello to mummy for me, look y/n she's walking'

⋆ is that Dad who no matter what supports their child, you will never hear Chris comparing them to any other child because he loves them for who they are

⋆ AND even if you two are tired with having kids Nick and Matt are more than up for having them over, while you and Chris just eat a meal or watch a movie together. The love that you two have for each other is even more now that you have a family. 'we are parents now, I'm so proud of us' 'I know and at least we are not one of those boring couples' 'how could we be? I'm hilarious and you are so beautiful and funny and smart and' 'Chris shut up' 'you're blushing ma'

(Divider by @enchanthings)

[kaleldobrev]

Mutual Pining

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Fem!Reader

Summary: Dean and you are in love with each other, and it's obvious to everyone but the two of you

Word Count: 4.3k

Warnings: Cursing (10x), Mutual Pining, Fluff

Authors Note: Switches between reader and Deans “POV” but still written in the third person | This came out a lot longer than I thought, but I loved the way it turned out! I hope you guys do too! | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡

For as long as you’ve known Dean, he has always been incredibly nice to you, which initially surprised you given his gruff exterior. Growing up, you were always told to never judge a book by its cover, and things aren’t always what they seem to be; and you had felt that this truly applied to Dean. Despite his appearance (although a very attractive one you had to admit) and his very I don’t give a fuck attitude he sometimes gave off, he was genuinely one of the nicest, funniest, charismatic, loving, and selfless people that you have ever met in your entire life. He was just someone that wanted more than anything to love someone (to be loved by someone) – and craved touch.

He was a catch in all senses of the word: he was smart, sexy, cute, he could sing (well not good, but at least he liked doing karaoke!), he could cook and bake (you were teaching him a lot about baking lately, even though he did already know a thing or two), he was handy (both when it came to cars and household maintenance), and he was a nerd (Star Wars, horror movies, Star Trek, cartoons, you name it). For as long as you had known him, it amazed you that someone hadn’t snatched him up yet. Well, you knew about some of these instances (Cassie or Lisa for example), but Dean seemed to be under the impression that the reason it never seemed to work out with these women is because of the job, or he would blame himself. “I just don’t think you found the right woman yet.” You had told him. This had earned you a weird look from Dean, and since then, you hadn’t given your two cents into his love life, despite being one of his closest confidants.

For as long as Dean has known you, you’ve always been incredibly nice to him; even when he knew he didn’t deserve it. When he had met you years ago, it took him by surprise to find out that you were a hunter given your exterior and extremely bubbling personality and positive energy that you radiated (he would later come to start calling you Sunshine as he considered you the light of his life in his ever so present and consistent cloudy days he called his life). “Just because you’re a hunter, doesn’t mean you have to be depressed all the time.” You had said to him. “But we’ve all witnessed and endured horrible things. Don’t know how you can still be so happy.” He had said back to you. You had simply shrugged stating, “You have your way of coping, and I have mine.” What Dean had initially thought that he hated about you (you being that Ray of Sunshine) had actually grown into something that he would love and appreciate about you.

Something that he always tended to carry in the back of his mind is quote that you had frequently said: Never judge a book by its cover, and things aren’t always what they seem to be; and he felt that your quote really did apply to you. Despite the type of energy that you give off, and despite your colorful array of clothing, you were genuinely one of the best hunters that he has ever met or worked with in his life.

You were a catch in all senses of the word. You were smart, cunning, funny, cute, sexy (even when you weren’t even remotely trying to be). You knew how to cook and bake (he was particularly fond of your peach and apple pies that you had made), you could sing (despite you saying how awful you were, your voice had sounded like honey to him), and you knew how to shoot a gun almost as good as him (in reality, you were probably a much better shot, but he would never admit that). It amazed him that you hadn’t settled down yet, even though he knew that was something that you had wanted to do at some point in your life. “I guess I just haven’t found the right yet guy. Just like how you haven’t found the right woman yet.” You had told him. “He’s sitting right in front of you Sunshine,” he had desperately wanted to say to you.

It was a lazy Sunday at the Bunker, and since there was no cases you had decided that you were going to do some baking today. You had promised Dean that you would him your famous peach and apple pie sometime this week, and since that was something you promised him last Tuesday, you were getting near close to almost falling through with your promise – something that you didn’t want to do, especially when it came to Dean.

Dean didn’t ask for much. So when he asked ever so politely if you could make this for him adding “no rush of course” at the end of his request, you were more than happy to oblige. This man has saved your ass more times than you could possibly count, and never asked for anything in return. So, the least you could do for the man was bake him a pie right?

Walking into the kitchen you were wearing your comfy clothes which consisted of a very faded AC/DC shirt that Dean had lent you they you had never given back (to be fair, he never asked for it back), a plain hot pink sweatshirt, black sweatpants and hot pink fuzzy socks.

Rolling up your sleeves, you walked over to the cabinet to grab everything they you would need in order to make the pie for Dean. Technically speaking, you were making the pie for everyone to enjoy, but you knew the second Dean for a whiff of the peachy and appley goodness, he would most likely hoard this (not that you had a problem with that, you were happy that he enjoyed your cooking and baking that much).

Placing your phone on the counter, you decided to play some music, picking the playlist you had rightfully named “Baking/Cooking Jams” (pun intended), so the quietness didn’t seem so eerie to you. You didn’t like the quiet at times, but you had such fond memories of singing along and dancing along to the music when you were a little girl in the kitchen with your mom or grandma.

One of the things that you appreciated, was the fact that none of the boys made fun of you while you did this (not that it would have bothered you if they did), but you half expected one of them to say something. The closest any of them had gotten to “making fun” of or commenting on your dance moves or singing had come from Dean, and his comments which very complimentary. You were so thrown off, that at first you thought he was fucking with you.

It’s been almost a week since Dean had requested you make your famous peach and apple pie, and there was a part of him that was starting to get just a tad disappointed when you hadn’t made it yet. But one of the things that was holding him together, was the fact that you always kept your promises and followed through with them (it was one of the things that he loved about you. He had asked for the pie on Tuesday, and it was now Sunday. He had wanted to re-ask you, but decided against it because he didn’t want to seem pushy and he didn’t want to bother you with what he seemed to be a silly request. “You could never bother her Dean. Trust me.” Sam had told him numerous times.

As Dean walked down the hallway of the Bunker, he could hear the quiet sounds of your music coming from the kitchen. The only reason he knew that it was your music is because he recognized the current song that was playing as a part of “Baking/Cooking Jams” playlist (pun intended). He smiled, hoping that since you were listening to this playlist it meant that you were baking something - specifically, baking the pie that you had promised him.

Dean peaked his head into the kitchen and he couldn’t help but smile at the sight before him. You were bopping your head, quietly singing along, and shaking your shoulders to the music as you were lining a tin with your homemade pie crust. You were wearing your hot pink sweatshirt (something that he loved always seeing you wear) and your fuzzy socks (another thing that he secretly loved). Wonder what’s underneath. Hope it’s one of my shirts…or nothing at all…He thought to himself. No Dean, don’t think that way.

Almost as if you could read his mind (which he knew you couldn’t do and was extremely thankful that you couldn’t) you stopped your dancing and looked at him, giving him the biggest smile you could muster up. “Hey you!” Your voice sounded so cheerful, so inviting, it practically made him melt.

“Hey Sunshine.” He said, walking into the kitchen and making his way to the island. “Whatcha making?” He asked, as if he couldn’t tell from the fresh cut apples and peaches on the counter in front of him.

“Your favorite.” You smiled, alternating between placing the peaches and apples into the pie tin. “Sorry it took so long Dean.”

Your apology surprised him. “Why are you saying sorry?” He questioned; you literally had no reason to be apologizing to him right now.

“Well, I know you asked for this Tuesday and it’s Sunday now.” Your voice that was once full of joy, was now sounding almost slightly sad and embarrassed, almost as if you were disappointed in yourself. “I swear I didn’t forget. Got a bit sidetracked with research this week.” You looked down just then, finishing up with the filling.

“Hey.” He began to say and you looked up at him. “Please don’t apologize for something like that okay?” You nodded. “Need any help?”

You shook your head. “I’m good Dean. But thanks for the offer.” You said, placing the pie into the oven.

“It’ll be ready soonish.” You gave him a smile. He could sense that you were trying to go back to your joyful voice, but you seemed still slightly upset, despite you having no reason to be.

Although you said you didn’t need the help, Dean started to gather all of the dirty dishes that you had made while you were baking. “Dean, you don’t have to do that.” You said as you watched him bring all of the dishes into the sink.

He turned the faucet on and looked at you. “It’s the least I can do Y/N.”

“I would have done it.” You walked over to the sink, picking up a dish rag and started drying the dishes he was finished washing. He looked at you briefly before letting out a small chuckle. “What?”

“Sweetheart, no you wouldn’t have. You would have left the dishes in the sink and I would have come to clean them up anyway. I know you love baking and cooking, but you hate the clean up.” You had started to open your mouth to comment, but you knew what he had said to you was the truth. Yes, you didn’t mind doing dishes, but you hated doing a large amount of dishes.

“I see Y/N finally made you your pie.” Sam said, gesturing to the giant slice of pie that Dean came walking into the War Room with.

Dean walked over with the biggest smile on his face. “It’s her best one yet.” Dean said, mouth full of pie. He sat down across from Sam who was on his laptop. “I really do think the singing and dancing helps.”

“I don’t know why you just don’t tell her.” Sam said.

“She knows I like her singing and dancing.” Dean took a mouthful of pie and Sam couldn’t help but roll his eyes at his brother.

“I mean how you feel about her.” Sam’s comment had made Dean stop chewing his pie mid bite before he gulped it down.

Dean went to open his mouth, to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything clever or snarky to say. “I’ll pass.” He decided to say.

“You’ll…pass? What does that even mean?” For as long as Sam had been around you and Dean, it seemed completely obvious to everyone that you two had feelings for each other, but for some reason, it seemed like neither of you understood that you two had feelings for each other.

“I said, I’ll pass.” Dean repeated. “What about that can’t you wrap your head around?”

“Dean, you’ve been in love with Y/N since you’ve met her. Which, honestly, is quite a record.” Sam had never seen his brother be so in love with someone before, let alone being in love with someone for as long as he had been in love with you.

“Look Sam, she doesn’t like me in the way okay? I’ve made my peace with that. Why would I tell her that I love her if she doesn’t feel the same way? Sounds very silly to me.” Dean got up from his chair and walked out of the room with this now empty plate.

You were lying down on your bed with your laptop in front of you researching. You weren’t really researching anything in particular, just random things that had peaked your interest. As you were typing away, a small knock came from the other side of your door. “Who is it?” You asked.

“It’s Sam.”

“Come in!” You called back, the door opening and quickly shutting just as fast. You questioned the abruptness of the door. “Everything alright?”

“Peachy.” Sam replied. He pointed to the edge of your bed. “Can I sit?” You nodded.

“Did you get to try any of the pie yet? Or did Dean finish it already?” You joked, closing your laptop.

“No, not yet. He uh, he didn’t finish it yet shockingly.” Sam’s expression looked at you more serious now. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” You smiled.

“Have you ever thought about telling Dean how you feel?” His question seemed to be coming out of nowhere.

“I…No.” You had wanted to tell Dean more than anything how you felt about him, but you knew that he didn’t feel the same way about you. “Why would I tell Dean that I love him when I know for a fact that he doesn’t feel the same way? It’s a little silly don’t you think?” Sam couldn’t help but almost let out a laugh. You two really are meant for each other. Sam thought to himself.

“But what if, there actually is a chance that he loves you too?” Sam asked.

You laughed. “Don’t you think he would have told me by now?”

“What if he’s afraid of the same thing you are?”

“Meaning…?” You weren’t completely sure of the point that Sam was trying to make to you.

“Meaning, what if he loves you too but thinks that you don’t love him back?” You furrowed your brow at Sam’s question.

“Dean afraid of telling me how he feels?” You laughed. “He doesn’t love me Sammy, trust me. I know what he looks like when he’s in love, and that ain’t the same way he looks at me.”

“Are you sure about that?” Sam challenged.

Dean and you both were laying awake at night, thinking about the comments that Sam had said to the both of you. The both of you had similar thoughts in your minds: Does Dean really love me? Does Y/N really love me? Have I been reading the signals all wrong?

“Sam wouldn’t just bring that up if he didn’t say something right?” You said quietly aloud to yourself.

“Did Y/N say something to him?” Dean said quietly aloud to himself.

“I could easily ask him.” You said.

“No, no. I can’t just ask her.” Dean said.

“Sam’s fucking with me.” You and Dean said in unison.

“No…Sam wouldn’t do that.” You rationalized with yourself.

“No, Sam wouldn’t fuck with me like that.” Dean rationalized with himself.

“He’s literally right down the fucking hall. I could just…be hypothetical?” You questioned.

“It’s three in the morning. She’s probably sleeping.” He said.

“Fuck it.” You two said in unison, both practically jumping out of your beds.

You opened your door and started making your way down the hall. As you were walking, you were trying to keep your composure despite how nervous you were in that moment. “Don’t chicken out now Y/N.” You mumbled.

“Alright. You got this. You got this.” Dean mumbled. “Don’t be a pussy now.”

Your head was down, but just up enough to catch yourself if someone else was in the hallway. As you were walking you noticed Dean coming down the hallway, he seemed nervous and you wondered why.

“Fuck I can’t do this.” You whispered and started turning around back toward your room.

“Y/N?” Dean’s voice had made you stop in your tracks, making you turn back toward him.

“Hey.” You tried to make your breath even. “What are…What are you doing up?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” He replied.

“I asked you first.” You said.

“I…Wanted to talk to you.” He sounded so nervous.

“At three in the morning?” You questioned.

“Yeah I uh…You know what, this can wait till later.” He said, starting to turn back into the direction of his room.

For some reason you had found yourself running after him, like you were in some cheesy romcom that you both secretly loved. “Wait.” You grabbed his arm, and he almost spun back in your direction.

Dean looked at you before looking at your hand. It amazed him each and every time how soft they had felt whenever you touched him. God, what I’d do to feel your hands all over. He thought to himself. “What’s up?”

“Dean…” He watched you take a deep breath. You were nervous and he could tell. He had known you long enough to know what you were feeling by just your body language.

You removed your hand from his arm, and he already missed the contact. “Y/N?” He asked.

“I uh…Can we talk in your room?” You asked, and he found himself automatically nodding.

“Of course.” He gave you a smile, hoping that would comfort you in some way.

You didn’t realize how nervous you truly were until you had made your way into Dean’s room. You had been in his room numerous of times (even spending the night in here) and it always strangely gave you comfort, but not in this moment. It was one of the rare occurrences in which even the calmness his room usually gave you, ceased to help you.

Dean shut the door behind you, something that made you even more nervous. You weren’t afraid that the door was shut, a majority of the time you and him had been in your room or his room, the door was usually shut. “I can, I can leave it open if you want?” He almost questioned, gesturing toward the door.

“No. No. It’s fine.” You said. “Can I…Mind if I sit on your bed?” You asked. It felt strange asking to sit on his bed. In normal circumstances, you would have just walked into his room and just sat down, never asking if you could first. Something that you were now realizing, was that you were the only person that never had to ask if you could sit down on his bed - everyone else had to ask him.

“You know you don’t have to ask.” Dean sat down on the edge of his bed and patted the spot next to him, in which you hesitantly sat down.

Dean looked into your eyes as you sat down next to him, placing your hands on your thighs. You rubbed them up and down. It kills me to see how nervous you are. He thought to himself, so badly wanting to say it out loud to you. “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m nervous.” You let out a small, nervous chuckle. It made his heart ache.

“I’m nervous too.” He said, hoping that it would make you somehow less nervous.

“Why are you nervous?” You asked. Crap. How do I answer that? He thought to himself.

“Probably for the same reason you are.” He looked at your face, looking for some kind of hint of what you possibly could be thinking.

“I highly doubt that.” You looked away, and folded your hands as if you were back in school, patiently waiting for the teacher to give you instructions.

It started to seem very evident to Dean now, that you were either nervous because Sam was right - you did in fact love him, or you were nervous because you were trying to figure out the best way to tell him that you didn’t feel the same way that he did about you. Either way, it scared him.

“I…I thought this would be easier somehow.” You admitted, after what seemed like a forever amount of silence between the two of you.

“I feel like I friggin teenager.” Dean joked, you knew he was trying his best to lighten the mood.

“Same here.” You gave him a nervous smile. “Um…Dean…” You took a deep breath, trying to figure out the best way to tell him, while at the same time, talking yourself out of telling him. “You know you’re my best friend right?”

“You know you’re my best friend right?” There is was, the sentence that he didn’t want to hear.

“Yeah.” He said, feeling his heart quickly sinking into the pit of his stomach.

“And you know I appreciate you more than anything.” You couldn’t even look at him; he wasn’t sure if that was better or worse somehow.

He reached out for your arm, gently grabbing it. “I appreciate you too Sweetheart. And I know I don’t tell you that enough.”

“Don’t be silly. You show me plenty.” Your statement was true, he may not have realized it, but there were plenty of times when he had found himself doing things to show you how much he truly cared and appreciated you, even when he didn’t outright tell you - you were the same way. You sighed. “Dean –”

“Before you say anything, I just want to tell you that whatever you say to me, our friendship is never gonna change. I won’t hate you. I could never hate you, okay?” He wasn’t sure if he was trying to reassure you, or reassure himself in that moment.

“Here it goes then.” You took yet another deep breath.

“Fuck it.” You heard Dean mumble. Not even getting a second to react, his lips were suddenly on yours. His lips were just as soft as you had thought that they would be. Despite wanting to kiss him for as long as you had known him, you never thought that this is how your first kiss with him was going to go.

The kiss was quick, and not nearly as long as you had wanted it to be. He released his lips from yours and he stared at you blankly, almost embarrassed. “Sorry.” Dean said. “I uh…” He was actually speechless. “Shit.” He let go of your arms.

“Sammy was right.” He hears you mumble.

“What did my brother tell you?” He needed to know how badly the damage control was going to be, and how much he was going to kill his brother.

“He…He asked me if I um…If I ever thought about telling you how I feel.” So Sammy got to you too huh, Dean thought. “I told him that it would be silly of me to tell you how I felt because I knew you didn’t feel the same way.” You chuckled, nervously. “I guess…I guess I was wrong.”

“I told Sammy the same thing earlier.” He admitted. “As much as I wanted to tell you…” He trailed off, unsure of what he had wanted to say next, because there was so much he had wanted to say to you.

“You didn’t want to ruin our friendship in case I didn’t feel the same way.” You said, practically finishing his sentence for him. “I felt the same way. I mean, you know just as well as I do how hard it is to find people you can trust and rely on. I love both of you, and I didn’t want to say or do anything that would of fucked my relationship up with you guys.”

“So, what do we do now?” You asked, unsure of what was going to happen next. Just because the two of you had admitted your feelings for each other, doesn’t mean that you would actually do anything about it. As much as you had wanted to try out a relationship with Dean, you knew that he wasn’t much of the relationship type – then again, maybe it was because he hadn’t found the right person?

Dean looked over at the clock, noticing that it was almost 4:30 in the morning. He looked back over to you, almost looking too tired. “You spend the night in here with me. Or, morning in here with me.”

“And do what Dean?” You asked, curious as there could be a million things on his mind.

“Just lay here together…” He began to say, slightly pulling you in close. “Maybe cuddle…” He continued, leaning in slightly, inches away from your lips.

“Do some more kissing maybe…?” You whispered, slightly questioning. “Or are you too tired?”

“Hmmm, don’t think I’d ever be tired enough to not kiss you Sunshine.” He smiled tiredly, leaning in and kissing you again.

Tag List: @roseblue373 @beansproutmafia @queenie32 @deanwanddamons @missy420-0 @jackles010378 If you would like to be added to a tag list, let me know!

[keepmycandleburning]

My favorite HP fanfics of all time:

#1: Beautiful Sleepyhead by Phantomato. Thoros Nott/Voldemort, 24k words, E. I also highly recommend reading Interlude in First and Oily Water from this series. This is the only fic I couldn't even guess how many times I've read it. It's so unspeakably beautiful, beyond words to me, the relationship these two characters have, the characterization of Voldemort and his professional and domestic lives, the strikingly beautifully written and raw erotica, the intense humanity of all of it. I recommend reading everything with Thoros/Voldemort. I'll read them anywhere and doing anything. In general I consider Phantomato the best writer I've ever read in my entire life, in any context and in any genre. The way they use words is not the way other people use words. Reading their writing changes the way I think. You make me need to write @phantomato I LOVE YOU

#2: Immortal Misconceptions by PinsandKneazles. Bellatrix/Voldemort, 3.4k, M. Bellatrix and Voldemort try to conceive Delphini. This is so so so so fucking funny. Genuinely one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I can't even look at this right now without scream laughing. Every line of this is laugh out loud worthy and it doesn't ever get any less funny even if you read it 20 times.

#3: The Warrior and the Snake by Lady_Escapist. Bellatrix/Voldemort, 150k, M. My favorite Bellamort fic (ignore the above...), and goes through the whole story of both wars which I adore. Lady_Escapist writes the best characterized Voldemort I've ever read, who speaks and acts and thinks like he does in canon, and he has an intensely complex relationship with Bellatrix that feels so incredibly believable, and so compelling. The chemistry between them is palpable. The type of story that impacts your view of the series when you read it.

#4: Dissonance by Metalomagnetic. Abraxas Malfoy/Tom Riddle, 17k, E, underage warning. Beautiful use of words, such evocative language, really feels like it's written in the real HP universe, and some of the most well-written sex I've ever read. It's really impressive to me how complex and individual and human these characters are in so few words. Metalomagnetic is another person who knows how to use words in a way most writers can't do. @metalomagnetic I LOVE YOU

#5: Scylla and Charybdis by Asenora. Snape/Voldemort, 44k, E. Transcendent experience of Snape and his relationship with Voldemort, woven together like a web interconnected through time. Delicious little Bellamort bits. Another brilliant writer who has a way with words I can barely fathom. Have never forgotten the description of Rodolphus's face as aquiline. @saintsenara I LOVE YOU

#6: Self-Worship by Phantomato. Diary Tom Riddle/real Tom Riddle, 21k, E. The diary horcrux gets a body, and there's only one bed... As brilliantly written as anything of theirs. So real, so visceral.

and:

Stop all the clocks by Metalomagnetic. Rodolphus/Voldemort, 9k, M. Rodolphus's POV of his intense adoration and devotion to Voldemort. Amazing writing of a Death Eater's love for the Dark Lord.

Penitence. Lucius/Voldemort, 810 words, E, non-con warning. Lucius has to suck Voldemort's dick in front of a ton of Death Eaters. So good.

Holiday by Phantomato. Thoros Nott/Voldemort, 23k, E. Fake engagement, you know what happens.

Other Women and of Purer Blood by Asenora. Narcissa/Snape, 7.7k, E. Super well-written, beautiful descriptions and narrative, so many compelling ideas, and an insane sex scene.

The Black Family Shield in Malfoy Manor by FelixPhial. Draco/Narcissa, 8.2k, E, non-con warning and maybe underage. Draco and Narcissa have to have passionate sex in front of all the Death Eaters and Voldemort.

Child, Witch, and Lord by missmarianne. Bellatrix/Voldemort, 7.6k, teen & up. Delphini's intentional conception process and Voldemort's thoughts on it. The best recreation of Voldemort internal monologue I've ever read.

Lord of the Manor by jadiss. Lucius/Snape, 3.2k, E. Little snippets on their relationship, from Hogwarts to death.

The Chronicles by yletylyf. 11k, M. Snape's experience as a double agent. Valuable ideas on canon plot and Snape's relationship with Voldemort. And a delicious little Bellamort moment. @yletylyf

A phantom pain by RiddleRedCoats. Bellatrix/Voldemort, 4.2k, general. Voldemort returns, finds out Bellatrix died in Azkaban, looks for her everywhere.

Real by deslea. Bellatrix & Rodolphus, 2.6k, M. The last scene of this has stuck with me among the most of any scene from any fic I've read.

Innocence by hervissa. 717 words, teen & up. Lucius finds out about Bellatrix & Voldemort. Really well-written and so funny, will never forget Lucius's reaction to the aftershave line.

a learning experience by Laeveteinn. Tom Riddle/Hepzibah Smith, 9k, teen & up. 'Hepzibah Smith is an acquired taste. Slowly but surely, Tom finds himself acquiring it.'

Adtitulo by jazminesays. Draco/Voldemort, Abraxas Malfoy/Voldemort, 144k, E, underage warning and probably non-con warning. Voldemort had a love affair with Abraxas in his youth and has Draco pretend to be Abraxas. I've read only the first half of this, not the Drarry. I love the relationships between the Slytherins, particularly Draco and Pansy, and their little traditions and human qualities and calling the alcove Candyland.

surrogate by 8623S44. Bellatrix/Voldemort, 179k, E. I need to reread this. One of the first fics I saved on AO3 and one I've always thought of as one of my favorites. What I remember most is the Voldemort POV rewrites of the scenes from Deathly Hallows. Full story of the first and second wars I think, but non-chronological.

Beauty and the Beast by Metalomagnetic. Bellatrix/Voldemort, 21k, M. One of the first fics I saved, and I have this labeled as a favorite, need to reread.

[mxxymx]

I always like to imagine Silence getting really indignant if anyone badmouths Ptilopsis within earshot of her.

Like at some Rhodes Island work party or something a coworker lightly insinuates that it must be kinda hard to have to deal with working with her all the time and Silence has had a couple of drinks and she puffs up and just unloads on them.

She goes on and on about how Dr. Moore (it's a little informal but still gotta show proper respect) is one of the warmest, sweetest, funniest, most affectionate people she's ever had the good fortune to meet and if you actually put in the effort you'll see how she just lights up a room when she's happy and it's not fair by all rights women should be beating down her door to ask her out but instead she has to deal with people being politely awkwardly sorry for her (or worse people around her) just because nobody is willing to put in the effort or they just make assumptions about her.

At which point the coworker, trying to salvage the evening, kind of just goes "oh uh... Dr. Moore is gay? Didn't... uh... didn't know that."

And Silence kinda has to freeze and kind of try to hide the fact that she doesn't *really* know and that it was kind of just wishful thinking because she hasn't really admitted to herself that she's crushing a bit on Joyce because she's a colleague and a dear friend and Silence doesn't know if Joyce is interested in relationships at all and Silence just has so much baggage what with everything that's going on (but Joyce really is such a good person and she's warm and funny and Ifrit likes her too and now that Silence thinks about it she really is beautiful) and-

Okay I might have gotten a little off topic. Point is, Silence is the founder and captain of the Ptilopsis Defense Squad

[hotvintagepoll]

Propaganda

Katharine Hepburn (Bringing Up Baby, The Philadelphia Story, The African Queen)—This woman. I have been obsessed with her for years. I know the urban legend is a popular one at this point of her walking around set in her underwear when her pants were stolen and she was left with only a skirt, but the pants thing is honestly enough for her to be the hottest in the room in my book. She refused to wear anything else at a time when the public in general and especially the studios did not like that. She was independent, stubborn, and so so very capable. Competency kink anyone? Also, if you want one final way that Katharine's entire life was saying "fuck you" to the establishment, it started young! Her mother took her to suffrage events, and she never got rid of that attitude of justice. I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of all the ways she was such a badass that I'm turning into a rambling mess instead.

Gene Tierney (Laura, The Ghost and Mrs Muir, Leave Her to Heaven)— The class, the elegance. The way she walks into frame and immediately all focus is on her. She had a pretty lengthy struggle with mental health that she describes in her book, which I think made her all the more sensitive in portraying characters like in leave her to heaven. Also she dumped JFK so

This is round 4 of the tournament. All other polls in this bracket can be found here. Please reblog with further support of your beloved hot sexy vintage woman.

[additional propaganda submitted under the cut.]

Katharine Hepburn propaganda:

I'm sure one million people will submit her as an iconic Hollywood star but that iconicness might lead people to forget just how insanely hot she was like she had it ALL she was skilled she was funny she was smart she was beautiful AND she was likely bisexual

The single word I would use to explain Katherine Hepburn's appeal is *range*. In her acting career, that meant covering all the ground between lush period dramas and the comedies she did with Carey Grant and Spencer Tracey. In terms of hotness, it meant an uncanny ability to bring anything from a Dietrich-esque androgyny to some of the best Classic Hollywood Glamour you will ever see.

Katharine hep was so cool. The VIBES, the INDEPENDENCE,,, living life on her own terms.

she just had this.... bearing to her, this power. she could be funny, even silly (like in bringing up baby) but also so regal and elegant. she was nobody's fool and dear GOD that's so hot

Fancam link

She’s not only stunningly gorgeous (those eyes that pierce your soul! a jawline you could cut glass with!) but her delivery and physical presence in roles gives off confidence and authority in such a sexy way (truly the biggest dick energy of Old Hollywood). Her fiery energy in The Philadelphia Story? Unmatched.

God she's. She's so hot y'all. She has the range!!!!! Funny and dramatic and lovely

She IS the transatlantic accent. Classically gorgeous and such a strong personality.

She's literally one of the funniest women to ever live! She goes shot for shot with Cary Grant in Philadelphia Story and we damn well love her for it! She's the most annoying creature to ever live in Bringing Up Baby but she's so insane and funny that we simply cannot help but fall in love with her (and root for her to give Grant an aneurysm!)

i know she's accounted for but i really want to be sure someone has submitted the scene in bringing up baby where she's pretending to be a gangster

She simply stuns onscreen; you cannot do anything but be captivated by her presence. Also a non-gender-conforming icon and mild tumblr celebrity by virtue of that one picture from The Warrior's Husband (stage play).

Katharine Hepburn was out here casually changing the lives of young butch lesbians with her gender swag! She wore pants even when people said she shouldn’t, she refused to marry or have kids, and she wore menswear in at LEAST one movie!

If I start thinking about her face for too long I will cry she is so so hot. Katherine is so charismatic and charming in everything she appears in - watch her adopt a leopard and fall in love with her. Also she has the biggest dick energy ever (she and her pal Lauren Bacall share that accolade). Also had an incredibly long and varied career from screw ball comedies to serious dramas - she’s a queen of the screen and I adore her.

Someone's got to mention it, but she's won the most Oscars out of any performer and is largely considered one of the greatest actresses ever. She's got an incredible voice, an incredible presence, and she absolutely steals every scene she's in. She was private person and deemed standoffish and unapproachable, but she was also profoundly concerned for people's rights and was an outspoken supporter of abortion access. Finally, the Katharine Hepburn slacks look is just iconic. I mean look at her.

(I hope someone else submits real propaganda but just in case they don't:) Cries. Screams. Wails. The woman who singlehandedly made me realize I was bi. A real "do i want to look like her. be her. or be with her.' crisis, where the answer was all three. Holy shit please all three.

Gene Tierney:

The entire plot of Laura is that a guy has to become completely obsessed with a woman after just seeing her portrait. This only works because Gene was cast in the role. I 10000% believe anyone could fall in love after seeing her face.

Those eyes! Just look at those eyes! She’s at her hottest in Leave Her To Heaven— I literally want her to ruin my life.

Absolute grade-A babe, she is the perfection incarnate.

Gene Tierney was beautiful, poised, intense. I associate her with roles where she was murderous or an intelligent woman being patronized to - like a woman on the edge! As far as I am concerned, she deserved to do whatever she wanted.

She had a slight overbite which was amazingly sexy, and a throaty voice that was very memorable as well. She’s terrific in Laura, which reminds me I should watch it again.

EYES!! Her diabolical acting in Leave Her to Heaven is just perfect, Rosamund Pike definitely took notes for her Gone Girl from her.

Oscar-nominated and simply one of the most beautiful women to ever walk this Earth.

Absolutely stunning. In Leave Her to Heaven, she reaches Rosamund-Pike-in-Gone-Girl levels of “holy fucking shit?!?!?!” She had a fling with JFK in the ‘40s and also dated the exes of Rita Hayworth and Hedy Lamarr (Prince Aly Khan and W. Howard Lee, respectively). Sadly, her daughter was born with a disability (during a time in which there were few good mainstream options for disabled children and their parents), likely because of a fan who was sick with measles and went out of her way to meet Tierney (who was pregnant) anyway. Topical! Sure would be good if people stayed home when they were sick! Anyway, she was also a Republican, which sucks. Laura and Leave Her to Heaven are great viewing though.

[olderthannetfic]

I think you got told before about the Bridgerton fandom homophobia, and possibly the fact that even before the show canonized this one long-time queer headcanon about one character and also suggeted another is bi or lesbian and going to have a female love interest in the future, the fandom was shitting its pants over people just writing properly-tagged rule 63 fics.

What maybe didn't get added that I think is the funniest detail is that those fandom homophobes were threatening to /report those to AO3/. I shit you not.

Just to be clear, these fics were very properly tagged. (In fact, one that got a lot of hate was by my friend, who is herself an AO3 tag wrangler - she if anyone knows how this shit works!) They used the name of the (F/M) canon ship, but they tagged the fic as only M/M and put "Male [Female Character Name]" and "Rule 63" in the additional tags. It was very easy for these people to NOT click on it. It was very clear what it was.

What the homophobes were mad about was that ANYTHING gay was showing up in their precious canon het ship tag that they felt like they Owned, that they had to be reminded that gay shit existed in this fandom at all. And so they'd made up a personal rule in their subreddits full of assholes that it was "wrong" to use the canon ship tag for that (to do what every other fandom on AO3 does, so how is anyone not in their shitty little club supposed to know anyway?) because just SEEING that some people are writing M/M or F/F versions of their het ships is somehow "uncool" to them. (Yes these people were equally enraged by F/F versions; it was funny to read their discourse where they tried to claim that doing M/M versions of an F/M ship was "misogynistic," but somehow thought the same criticism applied when people did F/F versions. So even more women is.... misogynistic somehow? just really made it clear how unintelligent these people were, not even thinking slightly through the arguments thy're making just copy and pasting.)

And they really thought AO3, the website that was founded by slashers fed up with fandom homophobes /just like them/ driving them off other sites, was going to sympathize with them over this????

(Also, do they really not get that if someone did use a tag of "Male Character Name/Male!Female Character Name," it was just going to be synned by tag wranglers into the tag of "Male Character Name/Female Character Name" anyway?)

I just thought you'd think it was so funny. Like, it really sucks for my friend who got a firehose of harassment from these assholes and learned that the fandom for a book and TV series she really likes is not a safe or friendly space, but there's something bitterly funny (to her, too, we were laughing about this privately) about these homophobic dipshits coming over from Wattpad thinking The Fanfiction Website Built By The Slashers is going to be sympathetic to "it is oppressing to see that some people write gay fiction in our fandom, can you make that stop?" and thinking they'll get any answer other than "Why yes! There is a feature that lets you not see that! There is a checkbox called 'F/M' that ensures that you will only see F/M fics!" Like thinking there's any way to get the people who run AO3 to think that people just writing slash and properly tagging it is a Problem To be Fixed, lmao.

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