#never ending cycle of dying and being healed

[pagesinmylife]

Things people don’t talk about enough from the Hunger Games:

Many of Katniss’ strongest allies are women that are over looked by others (Madge, Rue, Mags, Wiress)

While Katniss has a strained relationship with her mother, her mother is never demonized. Katniss recognizes the trauma her mother went through and was willing to try to improve their relationship in CF

The rebellion didn’t start with the berries. The rebellion started when Katniss showed compassion towards a dying, black girl that the world had already written off as unimportant

One of the beauty trends in the capitol that Katniss finds odd is the shaving of body hair. When her leg hair grows back in CF, she expresses comfort in it.

Katniss’ character arc throughout the series is her understanding of who the enemy is. It isn’t the rich people in district 12, or the other tributes, or the other districts, or the people in the capitol. It’s the government and it’s Snow.

Katniss never wanted another hunger games with the kids of the capitol. In that meeting she recognizes Coin’s commitment to perpetuating the cycle of violence. She votes in favor of it to cover her plans of killing Coin.

The violence in the books is SUPPOSED to feel random and unfair. Prim being reaped was supposed to be against all odds because in the real world, violence is indiscriminate.

Gale is a victim too and was not solely responsible for the death of Prim. He spent the first two books feeling helpless as he watched people he loved be put in danger and suffer. Coin offered him a way to regain control. At the end of the day, Gale is only 18 and doesn’t realize the depth of the games being played.

Katniss is great with kids and actually enjoys being around them. She says the only reason she doesn’t want them is because she can’t imagine them being put in the hunger games. Her having children in the epilogue is a sign of her healing and finally feeling safe

[atlantis-distillery]

One of the things I love about Baldur's Gate 3 is it shows the full range of how people respond and heal from trauma, and never says any of them are the "wrong" or "right" way.

Take Karlach and Astarion, they both have very similar backstories around being someone's slave, their bodily autonomy completely overtaken, their bodies modified against their consent, and when you meet them they are still both fleeing and fighting for their freedom. However they have COMPLETELY different outlooks on life and very different coping mechanisms. This is partly because of the differences in their trauma, but also, that's just how people are. And neither one of them is wrong for that.

Karlach is not naive for having joy for the little things, Astarion is not broken for using manipulation as a safety tactic. This applies to all the other companions as well. Like there is no way the writers did not deeply research mental health and trauma responses/recovery. It's beautiful.

It also makes me happy that a large portion of the "bad endings" are not people dying, but them continuing the cycle of abuse. Ascended Astarion has power now, yes, but he's now becoming Cazador 2.0. Lae'zel is contributing to the subjugation of her people the same way she was hurt.

And all these cycles of abuse contain these people having more POWER. They're in control of others, they have a higher "rank", own land, etc, but they have also never been lower. Choosing the right path means sacrifice, and often more pain, but you are becoming a better person for yourself and others.

[sxcchxrine]

yandere ! blade x gn! reincarnated ! reader drabble

content warning: hsr spoilers, hsr leaks, usage of blade’s real(?) name, gore, death (it’s also mentioned in past tense), kidnapping, blade being the desperate type of yandere, angst, blade is ooc? i think idk, all of this is my interpretation of the current leaks.

honestly, you don’t know how you got here… actually you do. sad to say you were kidnapped by the man that haunted your dreams. dreams that seems pleasant but something a part of you knew that it’ll turn into a nightmare. it always starts off lovely then turn into bloodshed. cries of death- cries of a man being killed over and over. it was such a horrid sight to watch. stab after stab you watch the man in front of you body twist back to normal. the wounds heal but the scars never left as if it were a reminder of the pain. the blood felt so warm. so warm it felt real. all of it felt too real. the air was so thick it was suffocating, the smell alone made you choke up. and all you could do is watch it play out over and over- it was a never ending cycle. the sword was raised in the air, ready to plunge back into the man writhing in agony on the ground. “remember this pain, yingxing.” the woman spoke in a cold voice. you recall the dreams and each time it comes to an end, you end up dying. last thing you hear before waking up was a man wailing out, as if he was begging you to wake up.

you assume the man that kidnapped you name was yingxing. he looked exactly like man of your at this point nightmares. and he’s just… holding you. hiding his face between your shoulders and neck- muttering apologies. of course you knew he wasn’t sorry for kidnapping you, he was apologizing for the past. you figured that your dreams was memories of your past life, and this man. yingxing or was it blade? you heard him being called that by woman that asked what he was doing here. she didn’t seem to care that he kidnapped you. in fact, she looked at him with sorrowful eyes. this confirmed that your dreams where memories. blade handled you with such care, only time you gotten hurt while under his care was day you got kidnapped. he handled you too roughly and apologized for doing so.

so, you don’t bother to leave or run. if you do, he’ll just find you again but you don’t want to leave him. despite being held captive, you did felt a connection to blade.

“please…please don’t leave me, please don’t sacrifice yourself for me.”

you just let him hold you close. you really have no choice but too.

[theeternalwombtarot]

why are they silent?

message: I’m feeling called to do this reading so I’m doing it. My posting and content schedule was literally all planned out and organized but I am unfortunately the embodiment of chaos however organized so now everything is all jumbled up. I think I’d love to have a little schedule and do all these wonderful things but I don’t believe that it’s really indefinitely the right direction for me to go in. I’m naturally spontaneous, I kind of go against the grain and go my own way all the time naturally and have done so since I was a child and so I think it’s time I live in my reality and find some acceptance here lol. I’m in the process of working through my drafts I have countless readings set up to be written and posted that I haven’t even tackled yet. Well anyways, hope this brings you peace and clarity.

***

i.

Guys, *deep dramatic sigh”, this person has a lot to say. I can’t stop channeling. It’s running through me like water lol. You could’ve stopped speaking to this person, cut them off, or cut them off from your energy all together here. Someone feels like something is incredibly unfair or unjust. They may feel like the world or the most high is against them and they feel like you slipping away from them is a manifestation of what it means to hit rock bottom. But , I don’t see you able to romanticize this, this person, this behavior, their feelings for you (any longer) you’ve expanded much too big or experienced what it means to be valued and you’re never going back there or you simply don’t resonate with this at this time.

channeled:

teenage dirt bag

I smoked away my brain- asap rocky

“Lowlife energy”

Disrespectful/disrespect

Peter Pan syndrome

“I don’t want to grow up.”

Catalyst

Life lessons

“Bigger than me” “you’re bigger than me.” “Larger than life.”

“It’s above me now.” “It’s out of my hands.”

Looking to the moon for answers

666- “a reminder to refocus and find balance in your life.” “a positive and transformative message from the celestial realm, representing self-discovery and spiritual essence.”

777- “linked to self-discovery and personal growth” “a signal to get present with what's going on between you and your significant other”

8891- “centers around personal growth and development”

786- “centers around personal growth and development” “healing and self-care. This number encourages you to take time for yourself and to focus on your own well-being”

**the angel numbers were insane, confirmation on confirmation***

Temptation

“The devil”

Forbidden fruit

Forbidden love

Unrequited. Unrequited love

“Are you finished with me?”

“Can I be your shadow?”

“Within you.”

Karmic cycles

Mirror

“See you again” -Tyler the creator, kali uchis

“Can I get a kiss? And can you make it last forever? Because, I’m about to go to war and I don’t know if im going to see you again.”

“La la la” “ok ok ok”

Feminine/masculine

Opposites

Ends of the spectrum

Redbone- childish gambino

***

Someone is coming to a conclusion about you and about themselves through you. I get mirror energy here this could be twin flame connection that you’re keeping small here. There’s imagery of someone trying to blow out a candle, or a flame that’s flickering and small. It’s not being fed. A fire that’s dying. Whomever this person is, they’re receiving their karma for who they were to you, for not making the right decisions, for being disrespectful, for stumbling through life like it’s a joke. Your spirit guides, ancestors, deities, the divine, stand behind you so fiercely. Someone is feeling some sort of wrath here for who they were to you or what they’ve done to you. I just heard, “you’ll know loss.” Someone is going to have to rise out of the ashes like a phoenix, exorcise parts of them that have kept them stuck, be physically pulled away from karmic cycles and habits. Someone says, “they aren’t learning. They aren’t moving.”

They’re feeling very restless and burnt out here. Someone’s tired of fighting. Someone’s being brought to their knees. “I hear you haven’t seen or felt rock bottom yet.” I even hear an ancestor saying, “watch this.” I’m getting the imagery of very divine and large beings sitting in a row of chairs. Almost like the last supper or the imagery of it and looking down on what’s happening attentively. This person is undergoing large heart chakra openings or having an awakening here. The imagery of the ace of swords gives me the energy of someone pulling a sword from the earth, after it’s been buried for ages. Someone is finally picking up their sword or stepping into their power here. But I see you being completely inattentive to this here. If you’re even reading this right now this is a privilege to them to have you sit and see what it is they’re going through. Someone’s not available and has made themselves unavailable or out of reach.

This person is so stubborn, they’re hard headed, and they’ve sorted planted themselves firmly in their place and have refused to move. They’re obsessed with status or are obsessed with keeping up some sort of facade or reputation to protect themselves or make them appear invulnerable, heartless, reckless and damaging. This person could like to fight, could be someone whose met with a lot of criticism or always is pushing up against or things. Using or manipulating some sort of influence. I see you coming to terms with this person and not resonating with who they are and not seeing any admirable qualities within this person any longer. This person is going to have to fight their way through the thick of the situation that they’ve built for themselves, undergoing inner purging, arising out of karmic cycles, disconnecting from karmic connections in all sorts and shapes.

This person is avoiding making hard decisions and setting themselves apart from others and owning up to their mistakes and actions. Something about this persons lack of accountability may trigger deep childhood wounds within you of some sort or be a pet peeve that you dislike very intensely in others that you now dislike very intensely within them. This person has to make a choice. The right one this time after a long time of playing games with the divine and playing games within the lives of others. They’re going to have to be reborn and undergo immense transformation and change. And this is what is going on. There’s a massive tower moment in store for them they you won’t be there for or won’t be a bystander in. This is for them to experience all on their own. It’s very likely that you may find this persons demise satisfying or be apathetic towards their hard ship at this time, I almost typed heart ship. You may be apathetic toward their internal conflict and heartbreak as well. It’s a long time coming I heard.

Someone is allowing the scales to be balanced out and protecting themselves by being nowhere near this incoming explosion or tower moment. They won’t be stepping in, helping to protect this person from their karma, or hiding this person away from their shadows. I’m getting imagery of the shadow man or Dr. facilliers death in the princess and the frog. This person is so unattractive to you right now. After a long time potentially of being your wish fulfillment and end all be all.

Messages:

“ I’m scared somebody will take you from me.”

“ I let others interfere with our connection.”

“Go back to our spot.”

“I want to call/text you, but I’m afraid you won’t answer.”

“The warmth of your hands keeps my insecurities away.”

“Don’t give my love to anybody else.”

“I was too stubborn to admit that you were my person.”

“I need closure from you.”

***

ii.

everything is okay pile two, you can relax. You may feel tension in your neck, your back, and feel a lack of energy in your legs or have some leg pain. You’re purging energies, undergoing transformation, and getting ready to accept more gifts and more happiness. Make sure you prioritize your rest, your eating and your overall health. The color blue could be significant, beige or light shades of brown, the color white, doves, crows, cats, and spiders. Snakes as well. If you feel lost, answers are on the way. If you feel alone and/or abandoned, spirit is always standing with you and protecting you. Spirit will not allow you to be mislead, be hurt, or be put in situations that will destroy you. Your spirit guides and ancestors commend you. I hear round of applause, whistling, and chants of encouragement. I actually left and took my ass to bed after pile one because pile one’s energy was crazy asl, I actually know pile one in real life. Bless their heart for real. ANYWAYS!!

channeled:

Tangled up in you- the Alton’s

Heart to heart- Mac Demarco

Let’s stay together- al green

Tell it like it is- Aaron Neville

I put a spell on you- Nina Simone

Fade into you- mazzy star

Relaxation

Inner peace

Fulfillment

222 - you’re on the right path. “signifies good fortune in finances, relationships, and career, as well as a reminder to work towards your soul's purpose.” “symbolize balance, harmony, and spiritual alignment” “the time has come for you to be more self-reflective, and focused on the duality of situations”

444 - your spirit guides are protecting and supporting you. “conveys a powerful message of love, support, and guidance from your angels”

22 - “welcome balance, wisdom, and divine transformation into your life.”

12 - “something in your life has been completed, and it's time to turn your attention away from the past and look into the future.”

896 - personal growth & development. “896 encourages you to put your devotion and efforts towards your spiritual passions and interests, in turn, manifesting abundance and plenty into your life”

888 - “positive flow, abundance, and rewards are coming your way.” “Stay open to abundance in whatever form it appears, not just what we expect or want”

8 - infinite possibilities

0 - “the number 0 is ultimately about unconditional love. "The force of love is around you all the time, taking the form of other people, opportunities, and even moments of clarity”

65 - “Angel Number 65 is giving you a message from the guardian angels that your efforts to transform and improve your life are being appreciated by the divine energies.”

100 - “symbol of new beginnings, manifestation, and spiritual guidance.” “aligning oneself with eternity while finding balance between our inner world and outer reality so that true harmony may exist within us.”

110 - “it’s time to manifest your dreams.”

Sleep

Relaxation

Careful consumption of media

Deciding on morals & boundaries

Candles

Journaling

Shadow work

Smoke cleansing

Water cleansing

Detox

Rejuvenation

Chrysalis

Hibernation

Mother Nature

Mother Earth

The Moon

Menstrual cycle

Divine feminine energy

The metaphysical

Inner child

Inner compass

Erykah badu

***

pile two… this person.. this person.. I’m so obsessed. This person is open and genuine. They may have expressed to you so much already but anything their withholding is more and further confirmation of deeper feelings and desire to do more for you and offer you more love and more peace. You may be in a relationship with this person, this gives committed relationship vibes, it doesn’t give situationship vibes, nothing is in the air, there’s no dust kicked up or fog that’s obstructing the clarity of the situation. It is what the two of you say it is, it looks like exactly what it is. It sounds like exactly what it is, devotion. Amy winehouse “love is a losing game” just came on, I have it playing on my tv and I just turned it up because it’s playing so quietly all of a sudden when my volume is already high and everything else was loud and clear.

It kind of gives me the impression that anything within the energy of loss and heartbreak is over and silenced. Spirit is covering your ears and covering your eyes to perspectives and ideas that aren’t in alignment with this connection and the love you share. The song just ended, “tell it like it is” just came on, blaring loud I was like 🫨🫨🫨. This person is a real man or a real woman. They’re ready to love you, to give you everything. They’re asking that you be honest and bare your soul and tell me them how you feel. Pride aside, fear aside. This person loves you beyond the fear and ego. I’m getting sensual energy, it’s deep and it’s passionate lol I feel like someone is squeezing my heart right now. This person applies pressure or they really get you riled up. I’m feeling all of this persons feelings. I hear my heart in my ears, you know those chills you get when you listen to oldies, the blues, or that STANK face you make when you feel something deep in your spirit. This person is in your spirit, coursing through your veins right now lol. I haven’t even began reading through the cards. UGH! Unhand me immediately!!!

This is like an intensely passionate saxophone solo. If this person is silent in any way, it’s because they’re trying to take action in their lives to get themselves in a position to show you how much they love you in a material and physical aspect. They already have laid out so much love for you to have but they want to give you more. They want to over fill your cup. They fill your cup. Your cup is full but I keep hearing “more.” I’m seeing imagery here of a divine masculine giving you everything in his pockets or anything that he has and carries with him. For some of you this is a divine masculine energy. They know your love and devotion isn’t free and isn’t cheap. They’re willing to put it all on the line. They’re even becoming more enlightened spiritually. I see the imagery of the five of pentacles and one of the men on the card is looking up the sky here. This person is looking to the heavens behind you, looking to the divine, to the moon, to spirit. Showing their gratitude, asking for and manifesting success for them to give you, asking for and manifesting safety and protection over this connection.

This person is not undecided about you, they’ve made a decision. They have some self doubt about how well they’ll be able to show up for you or how able they will be to provide you with everything you deserve because they smell your divinity, they wouldn’t do wrong by you, betray you, or give you less than what you deserve. I’m hearing “don’t” by Bryson tiller. This person feels sorry for your exes. This person is ready to give you everything and do anything on your behalf and it only gets more intense everyday. This person is in their bag or about to be, making plans for the two of you, planning a future for the two of you, making decisions and making choices behind you and your influence and your presence in their life. Financial choices, spiritual choices, emotional choices.

This person is thinking of all the things the two of you can do together or build together it’s their primary focus. Any of this persons silence is them exercising self restraint or making room for you or for this connection to unfold and blossom naturally. They want you to feel safe and feel valued despite how passionate they feel or how much they want to envelope you in all of their love and desire. This person is levitating right now. They often feel they have to take moments to pull back and gather up their energy and bring themselves down from a high or an obsessive part of them that feels driven to you.

This person, in their silence, is constantly thinking about more ways to be honest with you, value your boundaries, express their own, communicate their feelings to you. This person wants to earn your trust and your devotion.

messages:

“ save the date.”

“ will you marry me?”

This person is most definitely thinking long term commitment, sees you as someone who could be their wife or husband. Wants to live harmoniously with you and have you for a long time ❤️

“you’re a witch.”

This person feels as though you have so much power over them. They constantly feel your influence. You could be into witchcraft or be into spirituality and manifestation and they believe in your power and divinity wholeheartedly. They don’t doubt you.

“You have so much power over me.”

“Healing my mother wound.”

You could’ve brought to light some maternal issues within this person or opened their eyes to the gravity of a situation regarding their mother.

“Sending you all my love.”

“You have my undivided attention.”

“Open your heart to me. Let me in.”

“Please wait for me.”

***

iii.

This reading is being done in such immensely high and free floating energy. Someone is relaxing into something or surrendering, I’m getting imagery of someone being fully submerged into something warm or something with healing properties or that has the intention of transforming and rejuvenating them and restoring magic within the spirit. I’m getting Steve lacy - infrunami. Someone was hiding in plain sight here or may have been hiding away on purpose but the both of you are being met with true devotion from one another. There’s a lot of passion and longing I’m feeling. Someone misses someone or has plans to come to someone and be near them. Spirit is telling me, “I’m giving you space to miss one another or come to terms with who one another really are and what you meant to one another after a long time of being right underneath each others noses” there’s this energy of truths being revealed, the light or divinity in someone or the both of you being revealed. Someone within this collective may be drawn to pile two or have messages in two piles.

channeled:

Love on the brain - Rihanna

Infrunami - Steve Lacy

Tears dry on their own - Amy winehouse

Mercy mercy - Marvin Gaye

Let’s stay together - Al Green

Wet dreamz - J. Cole

CPR - Summer Walker

Trust - Brent Faiyaz

(There is) no greater love - amy winehouse

Just another interlude- Bryson tiller

Glory box- Portishead

Wholeness

Accepting love

Energy of recieving

Gifts

Divine timing

Divine plan

“Proud of you.”

Appreciation

Music

66 - “a powerful symbol of balance and harmony.”

67 - “you are on the right path and to keep going.” “prosperity and good fortune are on their way.”

68 - “your angels are encouraging you to take a leap of faith and start something new”

88 - “great success, abundance, and prosperity.” “ This number's presence is a positive sign for matters of the heart, often associated with the abundance of love and blessings.”

99 - “spiritual growth and awakening” “it confirms that your bond is based on mutual respect, understanding, and love. But, there's always an opportunity to enter a new phase of even deeper connection.”

600 - “Your material security and wellbeing are protected. Balance, harmony, and stability in your relationships. Spiritual growth and higher understanding.”

666 - “ a positive and transformative message from the celestial realm, representing self-discovery and spiritual essence”

789 - “number centers around healing and self-care. This number encourages you to take time for yourself and to focus on your own well-being. It serves as a reminder that it's important to make sure your emotional, physical, and spiritual health are all taken care of.”

884 - “ a powerful reminder that you should stay open to what life brings your way. It's time to trust that everything is happening for a reason. The angels are reminding you to stay in alignment with your heart and soul. If you do, the universe will aspire to bring you what you need.”

200 - “conveys a message of hope and optimism for your future endeavors”

211 - “guides us to maintain balance and harmony within our relationships.” “a positive omen that learning to trust yourself will set you free”

Equal give & take

Space to be yourself

Satisfaction

Overcoming fears

Emotional stability

Messages/calls

Abundance

Self-care

Singing

Throat chakra

Chakra activation

Kundalini activation

Intense physical & emotional intimacy

Support

Devotion

Red roses

Vinyl records

1970s

History

***

This person is carrying with them a lot of emotional stress and burdens here but I also see them carrying themselves almost. Like they’re trying to hold themselves back from coming face to face with you on a deep and personal level. This person is having hard time and is tired and a little burnt out from feeling as though they have to suppress their devotion or their love for you. This person is incredibly attached to you as well as sexually attracted to you. They may hide from you or try to create space between the two of you so that you won’t see just how much they like you or how much they want to be with you, how much they want to be intensely intimate with you. This person overthinks a lot, they’re an anxious person and they’re afraid of embarrassing themselves in front of you or disappointing you. This person also feels like they might inconvenience you greatly by being authentic with you due to past connections and heart break that made them seem or feel like they weren’t important or valued or weren’t owed loyalty or devotion because of the way they were when they they showed up honestly. This persons needs weren’t met and their nervous system is in overdrive trying to overcome their fear of being close to someone again despite how much they love they hold for you in their heart.

Someone in this persons past may have gaslit them or told them that they weren’t as special as they advertised themselves to be or that their love and support wasn’t genuine or wasn’t worth fighting for or sticking around for or their portrayed this to them through actions. This person has been tired, carrying a lot of tension in their bodies, or are burnt out from how much energy it takes for them to keep themselves from you. Heard the worst by Jhene aiko, not necessarily the whole entire song but “I don’t need you but I want you.” And “I don’t mean to, but I love you.” But this person, they’re afraid, because they think that they love you but are afraid to tell you or reveal their love to you through words and action. This person feels as though you’re meant for them and they constantly feel the need to apologize for pushing you away or holding off from you out of fear.

This person adores you, they care for you genuinely, and they feel they’ve been blessed with and given divine love. You may come as a surprise to this person, you catch them off guard, or appeal to them in a profound way due to past experiences. I hear this person hoping and wishing that nothing takes you away from them. This person is in a constant state of healing and transformation in order to accept you. Manifesting their fear away, taking steps to let you see them, practicing putting down their weapons, leaving their past in the past, and breaking down the walls they’ve built around themselves in order to call and manifest true love and now you’ve arrived and the walls are ready to come crashing down. This person is reprioritizing things within their life as well. They could’ve had to shift into their dark feminine energy if this is a feminine energy. This person could’ve had to remove people from their lives, undergo a lot of purging, awakening and healing in order to put themselves in their divinely ordained position to receive love and love themselves.

This person is coming to terms with the fact that the worst is over and they won’t have to fight anymore and that they can fall into you finally and be taken care of and loved correctly. They’re in the process of coming to terms with the fact that the past is in the past and they no longer have to revisit it or hold onto it. That they’re safe. That nothing else can harm them any longer.

messages:

“Every song reminds me of you.”

“You taught me what real love is.”

“Divine masculine.”

you represent true masculine energy to this person. True divine masculine energy. Especially if you identify as the divine masculine within this connection.

“You have a lot of heart.”

“Lover.”

“I’m sorry I pushed you away. I didn’t understand you, I didn’t understand my feelings.”

“Forgive me.”

“My souls purpose is to love you & be loved by you.”

*double confirmation about spending time apart.*

***

Hope this served you right and brought you Justice and true clarity! I enjoyed curating this reading, thank you for co-creating my reading by being apart of the beautiful collective, by loving my work, by being patient with me! You are so loved and valued. ❤️!

[comfysofti]

Some thoughts on The Fury because im absolutely obsessed with her and still can't get over the fact how much she was expanded

Aka me rambling about how I see her chapter, whatever, idk how else to call this-

Everything's under the cut

(｡>﹏<｡)

No matter how you get Fury, through Tower or Adversary, it's always circles back to her inflicting her pain on you. But is she wrong for doing that? I don't really think so

"This one is desecration. She placed the weight of her agony on you, yet it is she who unwound herself. There is passion and empathy buried under her unfeeling skin. She will make for a weathered heart."

What is desecration?

Desecration - the action of damaging or showing no respect towards something holy or very much respected

In one way or another, we do desecrate her. Or lead her in doing so to herself. In Adversery, despite there being multiple scenarios leading to Fury, we still desecrate her or lead her to desecration by denying her what she wants, what she believes we want too - a good fight. Even if it means dying over and over. To get one of her achievements, you have to kill her, even if for a brief moment. Her bloodlust, and us, the player, not satisfying it, leads to her desecration in a way. Overwhelmed with anger and agony, Fury from Adversary still thrives for combat and is, rather ecstatic if player defyingly keeps approaching her, and tries to fight her even as we're getting unwound

In terms of Tower this is more obvious. There's only one way for us to get to Fury through her - make her force her hand on us, someone she sees as something lowly. She believes herself to be an unstoppable god, something holy and sacred. And how dare we, not only, hurt and defy her authority, but also make her force her hand on us? She's arrogant and selfish, so when this happens, she feels like she was tainted. Like we - a mere mortal, nothing but a rock under her feet, tainted her very being. Overwhelmed with anger she wants to take revenge on us, for denying her ascension and turning her into Fury. She believes it's all our fault. For we tainted her flesh, for we dared to break the leash she was using on us

Either of them can end up unwounding you. Atom by atom. And when she does so, she wants to make us understand her. Her pain. Her change

"are you still there? Are you still you?"

Fury from Adversary starts to unwound us to make us continue the fight. To return the spark of bloodlust. Fury from Tower unwounds us to hurt us and destroy us. But is that what they truly want? Just our suffering and nothing else? In the endless cycle?

"What is a person? Is it their body? Is it all of their body? Pluck the eyes, peel the skin, strip the tendons, mince the meat, grind the bones. When it is all gone, do you still have who you started with?"

We changed her drastically. We changed her into this monster of flesh, only capable of pain and hurt. Only capable of unwounding and hurting and destroying and changing. But never healing. She isn't something positive. She's pain, anger, hatred

She wants us to understand how much pain we had brought upon her flesh to make her into this monstrosity. She unwounds us. She changes us in ways that makes it impossible for us to exist. Just like we did with her. She wants us to understand, yet we can't

We only feel pain from her actions. We'll never understand her. Because she can unwound us time and time again, but in the end of the day, we'll never know what she's thinking. We'll never truly know her pain. Unless we would share body and mind with her

That's why she unwounds herself as well, trying to fuse us together. She presents herself to us at her weakest, most naked form. Offering her very heart for you. To make you one. To make you truly understand. To feel what she felt. To see what she sees

But before we're able to do that, she's taken away

"Do not mourn her - she has finally found peace."

She found her peace once she was reunited with Shifting Mound, but even after she was, we still can't understand her, can't we?

[applebuttercringe]

Arcane episode 8 immediate thoughts

-NGL this is not the direction I thought Mel was going in.

-cool that she is a magical girl though, and made of gold.

-oh it’s the girl her mom killed.

-Mel’s outfit is very fan service

-Leblanc

-this is a lot to introduce in the second to last episode

-Well that didn’t take a lot of convincing…

-Richters funeral

-Time for Viktors T-shot

-Is Ambessa gonna lecture him into living?

-Viktor Machine Herald voice!

-No Viktor you are anti war.

-Oh, so Sky is her own will, disturbed by his actions.

-Do we not see Caitlyn’s reaction to Jayce.

-Ah she thought Loris was Vander

-Caitlyn’s haircut is hot.

-Is she still with Maddie?

-Maddie knows she is about to be cheated on

-Jinx isn’t eating, she is suicidal.

-the hair down

-The Jinx pain train is brutal, this is a lot even for Arcane.

-The Jayce Mel reunion?

-If Mel is untwined with the Arcane then Jayce’s mission will be to end her as well.

-Excuse me what?

-Viktor achieved the ultimate tenderness form? Mannequin.

-Why not come as Huck?

-Well, the Polycule is back together again. This time it is a three way breakup.

-Mel knows how to do the magic at will now?

-Why not explain what you saw? It might not change anything, but he didn’t even try.

-Viktor wants his evil BF back

-Aw man. Villain Viktor. That idea sucks.

-Once again Jayce rushes to Mel lol.

-Is Viktor gonna get broken up with on the astral plane?

-Jinx is finally hearing and seeing Silco hallucinations.

-Killing is a cycle and yet in Ep 7 Vi dying ended the cycle and healed its wound?

-Doesn’t the metaphor not work for Zaun? How do they walk away. They are trapped in the mines working forced labor and banned from Piltover institutions. Is the moral to become passive? Cease to care? How do you forgive and walk away when the crimes are ongoing and inescapable?

-The hug is good

-IS JINX GOMNA KILL HERSELF?

-That’s her resolution?

-Jayce’s self made leg brace perfectly fixing his untreated wound is bullshit.

-The shoulder armor is a CHOICE Jayce.

-How did he manage to get them together? They hate each other? His proposals for peace don’t work but he can get them talking and civil from off screen? Arcane is really abandoning the Zaun v Piltover thing. Like, straight up pretending it was never happening.

-Caitlyn gasses these people like a month ago.

-Yeah, start treating the Undercity as people so you can draft them. Whatever.

-Why the emphasis on the pianist

-I knew they were gonna abandon it but this is unreal to watch.

-Sassing your gf during her mental breakdown is insane

-Caitvi sex scene in a prison cell lol

-Maybe care that this is cheating

-Freaky~

-Damn

-The Tumblrinas are gonna love this

-The Medea’s scene is good

-She can touch embers with her bare hands

-Ambessa you’ve been trying to use Hextech for magic, TF do you mean you hate magic.

-Is there a delay on Viktor saying stuff and the clones saying it? Cause that happened a while ago.

-The song. So this was real Sky all along. She just really wanted him to use the Arcane this way. If this was the intention she should have had more S1 screentime to build up their relationship.

-He is letting them kill her again

-He’s gonna become Warwick?! That is a twist

-EW THE FEET SHOT

-He’s kindred? It isn’t a mask? It’s his head?

Ok so thought: This is a fumble for me. It feels like they are abandoning all the pre established plot and just rewriting the characters into new plots and then rushing those new plots to hell and back. They aren’t finishing what they started. The Jinx pain train is disappointing. Like, more Jinx being self loathing and suicidal, cool. Likely she will have a turn around in this last episode but. IDK. Did I like the time I spent with Arcane? Yes. Is it peak anymore? No. Sorry.

[exactlycleverpirate]

Half Baked Theories

So here are my half-baked theories upon reading all of the Love and Deepspace myths, anecdotes, etc.

So, Rafayel found MC isolated on an island for some reason or other, surrounded by the ocean and doomed to one day be drowned by the sea. They fell in love, and he gave her his heart, quite literally (somehow), though he remains connected to it through their bond. Because Lemurian's blood is eternal, and she is now bound to one, and the God of the Sea at that, she is now eternal. Sort of. But not undying. Neither are the Lemurians undying, as we see they can be killed. (I suspect this all takes place on Earth before it's destruction, since Philos is described as separate tectonic plates held together by its core, making me think the oceans have disappeared (drained into space perhaps?)).

By the time we meet MC in the current timeline, she is already bound to Rafayel in some fashion or other. Does that mean she already has his heart? She also has an Aethor protocore implanted into her heart via scientific experimentation. Perhaps Rafayel gives her his heart later in some effort to save her from something due to the Aethor core? Maybe this results in a resonance link of some sort, between the eternal Lemurian heart of the God of the Sea and the Aethor protocore. In Xavier’s Myth, we learn that protocores used to have hearts inside them. (MC's Evol also pertains to Resonance.)

(Also, what is frozen in ice on Mount Eternal? Possibly another Aethor Core?)

So now flash forward to Philos. In Zayne's Myth, we learn that MC's heart is connected to the Creatio protocore. Due to the resonance of the Creatio and her heart, it drains her heart to power itself. It also can heal her heart when fused with it (at least temporarily?). When she meets Xavier on a young Philos, she already knows her heart is dying and that there is a particular protocore that can somehow heal her. (How does she know of this rare protocore? Who told her?)

Perhaps the Creatio protocore used to be the Aethor core fused to the God of the Sea’s heart. Then somehow, with Earth’s destruction, the heart and the Creatio are separated, but still linked by resonance. This begins the endless cycle of draining the Sea God's heart to power the Creatio, which kills MC, but because the heart is that of an eternal Lemurian, she reincarnates, to repeat the process again and again. (Is the Creatio the core of the planet that keeps Philos' people immortal, or is her heart linked to the core, perhaps by fusing it with the Creatio, at a later point when the original power of the core is drained away?)

In this first life on Philos, Xavier brings her the Creatio, but it is too late to save her (or he doesn't know how to use it) and she dies.

Perhaps as a result of the Creatio being forcefully taken once, (who did Xavier have to fight to retrieve it from?) the Creatio is placed under the watch of the Foreseer in the Tower of Thorns, by the mysterious "god" Astra. MC is reincarted over and over, drawn to the Creatio and Foreseer over and over, she dies over and over, and his memories are erased each time, until finally Zayne breaks free and sacrifices himself to save MC, fusing her heart and the Creatio and saving her life. Zayne falls into eternal slumber, trapped in the frozen tower, behind a never ending blizzard.

Presumably, this is a temporary fix somehow or other, and she dies again eventually, or is killed.

Meanwhile, multiple Gods of the the Sea have lived over time. (Are these all reincarnations of Rafayel or are there other Sea Gods as well?) Eventually, MC is reincarnated in the Golden Sands. By this point, somehow the people of Philos have come to understand that her heart keeps them immortal. Philos is at least 30,000 years old by this point, as its seas have been dry for 30,000 years. The people of Philos have placed MC under guard in a palace. Her heart is not noticeably dying now, perhaps because Zayne reunited it with the Creatio.

She and Rafayel reunite, and she eventually remembers their history. She also learns that if she does not return the Sea God's heart to Rafayel (by cutting it out of her chest and dying), he will eventually fall into eternal slumber and the seas will never be restored. Rafayel attempts to save her by erasing her memories and severing the bond between them, leaving the heart with her. However, MC is able to recover both her memories and the bond. She and Rafayel escape together in search of a solution.

(At this point, we don't know how this ends. Does Rafayel fall into eternal slumber? Does MC kill herself in an effort to save him, or does his servant kill her to try to save Rafayel and restore the sea? Perhaps Rafayel, like Xavier, finds a way to go back in time? No idea.)

Once more, we assume MC dies again at some point. She is eventually reincarnated at a time when Philos is beginning to die. She and Xavier attend an Academy together. Xavier learns that Starfall Forest contains (or is connected to?) the core of the planet, which now requires human lives to stay powered. It consumes humans, which become Wanderers who contain a protocore that used to contain their heart. The royal family started out sending human sacrifices into the forest, but eventually figured out MC could be the endless sacrifice to power the core.

(When did they discover this? Presumably the royal family has been alive since the creation of Philos, since Xavier has been around since its very early years, and he is the Crown Prince. The royal family sent regular emissaries to the Foreseer for prophecies from Astra. The royal family also is mentioned in Rafayel's myth, when MC clarifies that she is not actually related to the royal family. So how long have they known about MC and when did they begin intentionally sacrificing her to power the heart? Is this how she dies even though both Zayne and Rafayel sacrifice themselves to save her? There are no Wanderers in Zayne or Rafayel's myths. Did they not exist yet? They exist on Earth, but perhaps that is due to them traveling through spacetime with Xavier’s timejump.)

The MC at the end of Xavier’s Myth has no current obvious problem with her heart, though Xavier seems fearful of one. But if she is no longer dying to power the core, then surly that means the core will begin to die, and the planet and people of Philos with it. Xavier and a team leave MC as Queen of Philos, and they travel back in time in an effort to find a way to stop the planet and MC from dying. However, something goes wrong, and they crash. The Deepspace Tunnel opens up over Linkon, and through it, the dead planet of Philos can be seen.

Please give me your thoughts, peeps. I am desperate the talk lore with someone.

[charles-simmons]

Very unpopular opinion, but I love the Dsmp canon ending

Specially after we found out they've lived multiple lives (as Eret said, it was like a cycle. Every time it resets, they just start again with no memory). So, PLEASE, let me explain this one

I think a big part of the reason why people dislike that ending is bc it felt like the story was interrupted and there still so much to happen and to develop, but personally, that's part of their tragedy. All of those people, living together over and over again in different complex and messed up lives that they don't quite get an end to.

There was still so much left to happen for those people. So many unsolved mysteries, so many people that never got to heal. It's extremely frustrating to think about it, and there were probably so many other lives where the same thing happened. To me, it adds such a cool layer to their story and it leaves us wondering if in a next live (or in the past ones) they ever got their actual ending. Will their souls ever truly rest? Or are they doomed to never getting closure?

Now, another reason people don't like it's bc of Tommy saying sorry to Dream, which also sounds crazy to me, because that was perfect

It wasn't like was he was forgiving him, or even as if Dream was being redeemed. To be honest, it wasn't even that much about Dream at all.

It's about Tommy. Because no matter how much people hurt Tommy, he genuinely believed no one truly deserved dying. The only reason he was even doing that plan was because he thought killing dream and punz was the only option left. So when he realized that maybe there could be another way, he instantly regretted his decision. He was apologizing for taking away their lives, taking away their chances of changing. It's really not about if they deserved it or not (like, c'mon, dream did abuse him), it's about how Tommy died trying to believe there could be good in people, even people who did terrible things. And that shows so much about him. How even after all that trauma, the hope never left him. You might think that's just being naive, and it probably was, but it's something in Tommy that survived through everything. It's a huge part of his character that never quite died, even after all his deaths.

He and Dream becoming friends in the next life was also interesting, and it would've been awesome to see how that went. In better situations, did Dream ever got to the point he previously had? Are people really inherently bad or toxic, or could've they grew into a healthy friendship? Also, did Tubbo and Tommy got close in that life too? They did stay together until the end of the world, but after that?

Seriously, it had potential. It's a shame we didn't get that sequel, but even without it, I don't think the ending is as half as bad as people say it is. It's not perfect, but it's still kind of awesome.

Well, if you hate the ending and still read this, a particular thank you to you. Also, if you disagree with what I said, feel free to give your reasons, I'll read them too :3 /gen

[depressedhatakekakashi]

I feel like I will never understand the people who think that Kakashi should have stayed dead in the Pain arc, since according to them he doesn't do anything relevant afterwards. I feel that if that had been the case, Kakashi would have had an unfinished character development. For me, people forget all the nice moments the character gave us (like, for example, him carrying Naruto), or all the characters he saved, or that he was the one who discovered how Obito's technique worked and that he was also the one who made the plan to seal Kaguya. Idk why they think he should have died there...

Without Kakashi

-Obito’s reveal would have held no weight. Like honestly the only reason we feel anything anout Obito’s reveal is because of his connection to Kakashi.

-Sasuke and Naruto would never have sealed Kaguya. The two of them were trying time and time again and it wasn’t until Kakashi entered the fight with Sussano and put into action a plan of his own that they FINALLY succeed.

- Obito would have never come back to the ‘good’ side. Naruto knocked some sense into Obito but Obito only gave up fighting at that point. It was Kakashi who brought Obito to their side in the fight.

-Sakura would have died, MULTIPLE TIMES. Heck, just from the change to the lava dimension her and Obito would have died as it was Kakashi who saved all of them.

-Obito’s heart would never have been destroyed, thus destroying Madara’s seal on it and giving Obito the freedom to break away from Madara.

- Naruto would probably have approached Danzo about sasuke and been locked away, forcing him to sit down and leaving no one to approach the Raikage about Sasuke, or forcing him to go Rogue to try and fight for Sasuke. It was Kakashi who chose to ignore rules and take Naruto to the Raikage to plead for Sasuke’s life.

-Sasuke would have killed Sakura. End point. Naruto saved her the second time, but Kakashi saved her the first time. If Kakashi was dead Naruto would have arrived to a dead Sakura.

-No one would have brought Naruto to the village and he would have passed out in the forest after his interaction with Nagato and Konan. It was Kakashi who arrived looking for him and carried him back to Konoha.

- Danzo would have been granted title of Hokage right away without struggle. Kakashi was the only one offered up as an opposing choice, and there was no one else the elder’s or even the daiymo would have seriously considered (For the daiymo connection matters, as shown by how quickly they recognized Kakashi by him being the ‘son of the White fang’

But most importabtly

That would have been an absolute shit ending. Kakashi is a character who has always been about dying to protect his precious people.

That was what he thought his worth was. Dying to protect ither’s and the village.’

Him living is what he needed.

Him living allowed him to realize he had worth as more than just a weapon, and that he was allowed to heal and be happy.

If he stayed dead in the pein arc he never would have gotten closure about Obito and Rin’s death, which would feel empty as by that point we’ve learned a bit about his past.

It’s the whole ‘gai should have died in the war’ shit all over again.

They could have died, but then they would just be feeding into the idea that they were fodder for the greater war machine with no worth other than to die for the cause

That was exactly the story kishi was trying to change

What naruto and others wanted so badly to change

Kakashi, Gai and other’s living was the purpose of the story because Naruto’s goal was to have a world where people didn’t die needless deaths.

Kakashi surving was part of Naruto achieving that goal

Putting an end to countless needless deaths.

It’s why Nagato brought the people of Konoha back. He realized that he was perpetuating what he had felt by killing others, and by placing his trust in naruto to change things for the better he chose to display that trust by being the first step and bringing those he killed back.

By ending the cycle of needless death

[mermaidlighthouse]

Why I think Izzy’s death was actually necessary despite me being sad about losing my favorite* character…

So I am once again looking to reframe a moment/scene involving Izzy around Ed because as much as Izzy was his own character (with a wonderful redemption arc) his function in the narrative imo is as an extension of the Blackbeard persona and therefore Ed and his perception of himself

Ok so this is gonna be long but I think it’s necessary to frame this properly

Izzy and Ed’s relationship is one of misery loving company and instead of finding ways to legitimately pull each other up and heal from whatever brought you to that place it turns to one of toxicity where you either repress the trauma (Ed never telling anyone that he killed his father, that he feels like a monster) or express it in ways that only perpetuate the misery. At this point that constant cycle of misery is so familiar it can be difficult for the participants to recognize what they’re doing to themselves and each other and it’s difficult to not fall back into those patterns.

So while Izzy is making strides and having his arc, instead of saying to Ed maybe don’t go looking for darkness when you’re standing in the light, don’t look for trouble or problems that don’t exist just because that’s what you’ve come to expect he says maybe you’re just a mopey twat and there isn’t a fuckin storm, when Ed does apologize for his leg Izzy’s only response is fuck off.

They can’t communicate with each other effectively and it’s already caused issues. When Izzy tells Ed to listen to the feeling of throwing away the trappings of Blackbeard, Ed does but he has also been told by Izzy that Ed isn’t good enough so why would Stede want him now that he’s not gonna be Blackbeard. I think Izzy meant well and had the right sentiment but the fact is that the damage of what they do to each other has already been done. Izzy doesn’t just represent the devil on Ed’s shoulder, he’s the voice in his head telling him he’s worthless without Blackbeard.

So could the narrative have just said Izzy went off on his own or went with the crew in the end? imho no they couldn’t because in order to have a healthy relationship with Stede, and just to be a generally well adjusted person Ed needs to love himself and the constant knowledge that his self loathing can just pop up out of nowhere (something explicitly shown as an Izzy staple) won’t allow him that freedom. (I recognize this isn’t how self development/self esteem works irl but this is a dark comedy rom com just let some things be hand wavy.)

Sometimes the best way to help each other grow and be whole is to recognize that you need to let the other person go. That’s true for BOTH of them.

Izzy dying was the only way they could finally communicate honestly without the jibes and the looming Blackbeard of it all they could just talk to each other as family as people who love each other (this is not my ship and I have a serious issue with the lack of nuanced takes on love in this fandom but that’s a separate issue).

To give Izzy some grace here I would like to point out that his story can also be seen as one that tells the audience that toxic people in your life or people you have complicated relationships with are allowed to grow on their own and make positive changes for themselves BUT that does not mean you have to accept them back in your life, you are not required to give them space after they’ve wronged you. You can celebrate their growth but you don’t owe them anything. Ed can recognize that Izzy has changed but he was never going to fully excise Izzy from his life he’s too familiar and too much a darkness to hide in and it would have created more toxic situations. So yes Izzy had to die.

*I always mean favorite side character because my favorite character is EdStede/StedeEd. If you don’t love them, together and separately then you don’t love the show because this is their story

[skylerskyhigh]

Ah screw it. Imma rant about my fic

When I started this fic, I didn't plan to have such an extensive theme. But as time passed and I fleshed out some ideas, I started thinking about the themes and character arcs that I wanted to explore.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to write all of the arcs or finish the story, or maybe even continue with the second book, but I wanted to put these ideas out here just in case. It'll be fun to go back to.

SPOILERS FOR "CUT YOURSELF ON MY GLASS PLATE"

Also TRIGGER WARNING FOR SERIOUS TOPICS LIKE SELF HARM, SUICIDE, ETC

Cale and the cycle of self harm

I'll start with the main character for this story. OG Cale Henituse. Throughout the story, he is going through a rough time. Aside from the trauma of going through a war, the crux of his issues is the fact that he had been abused.

Cale had been hurt by a lot of people. Either through neglect, abandonment, or self hatred, Cale had been through a lot. It cut his self esteem into a simple concept of "If I am alive, then I should be useful to others."

He doesn't care about himself. He constantly puts himself after so many people. His wellbeing is always second to someone else.

After the death of his family, Cale gained his Ancient power. A power that turned his pain into power. It is because of this that he put himself through a lot of shit.

With physical proof that his pain means something, Cale will begin a spiral of self harm that expands bigger and bigger as he loses the people he loves. Not only is he grappling with a lot of issues of survivors guilt, abandonment trauma, self hatred, and PTSD, the driving force behind his actions isn't to live. It's revenge. He wanted to kill the person responsible for his family's deaths. It's not about him. It's about avenging his family.

Not only that, near the end of the war, Cale stopped wanting to live. Life stopped having meaning because he didn't have anyone to life for. Cale never lives for himself. Always for others.

He put himself in an abusive relationship, for the sole purpose of turning himself into a weapon. To make his powers strong enough to cause significant harm to White Star. All of it with the intention of dying right after he was done. He didn't want to live. But he didn't want to make his life worth nothing. People died while he lived, so he should do something to make his life worthwhile. Either he dies in battle, or he dies after hurting White Star.

Cale went through a lot. While most of it isn't his fault, some is the direct result of his actions. His lack of care for himself lead him to seek self harm as some form of redemption or punishment. Time and time again he is hurt. He denies help. He seeks out misery like a drug. Self harm comes in many different forms and Cale explored a lot of it.

For Cale to begin to heal, he needed to stop this behavior. He needed to stop seeking out ways to harm himself. He needed to stop his own cycle of abuse. But its not easy to do that.

His theme is exploring that cycle of self harm. The thoughts while grappling with so many complex emotions. The effects of grief, loss, and low self esteem. The spiral that people go through while being trapped in a perpetual loop of abuse. It's not easy to escape such a cycle. For Cale, it's hard to break free from it when he believed that he needed to redeem himself in some way. Or that his life is worth less than the lives of others. Cale cannot justify living if he doesn't use his life for something useful. Breaking free from that spiral isn't easy. But he won't be alone to do it. Not this time.

Choi Han and the sins of the father

Admittedly, I didn't have plans for him at first. But as the story expanded, so did his character arc.

In the original timeline, Choi Han was a bastard. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. He was an asshole to Cale.

(I don't hate Choi Han but narratively, he was a terrible person in this story in the original timeline.)

As the main abuser in Cale's life, Choi Han played a significant role in harming Cale. Even when he was deceived by Cale, his actions are not justifiable. He was abusive, cruel, and irredeemable. A far cry from the canon of TCF. Blinded by his black and white mentality, Choi Han often physically hurts Cale to the point of death. He treats Cale like a villain, but he doesn't give Cale the freedom of a quick death.

All of this is to preface what the current Choi Han has to face against. The current Choi Han did not abuse Cale. However, he has to face 2 issues.

1) Face the consequences of someone else's actions.

2) Grapple with the reality that he could have- and had- become a terrible person.

Let's start with the first one. The concept of the "sins of the father" is a common trope. Think of Pink Diamond from Steven Universe. Even when Steven wasn't the person who had harmed a lot of people, he still had to grapple with the pain that his mother had left behind. The lies, hurt, and trauma that she had inflicted on others. Steven had to answer for the actions of someone else. That's what Choi Han has to do.

He didn't abuse Cale. But another version of him did and he had to face that problem. There are clear signs of abuse on Cale. The fear in his eyes. The vitriol in Hans' tone. The wariness, pain, and terror he has to deal with. Choi Han did not abuse anyone but the pain is still there. There are invisible yet clear scars on Cale and he has to answer for them. He has to fix them. He has to answer for the crimes that someone else had committed. Choi Han has to redeem himself even when he wasn't the one who had abused Cale.

Sins of the father is such a complex concept. There are a lot of factors in play. Not only are the victims of the person suffering from the actions of the perpetrator, but the blame did not fall on the perpetrator but another person. A completely blameless person at that. Yet due to their connection to the perpetrator, that person has to answer for it all.

For Choi Han, the responsibility of the OG falls on him. He needs to redeem himself even when he didn't do anything. Yet he cannot just ignore it when the victim is affected by the actions of the OG. He has to go through a redemption arc but skipped the reason for his redemption. He's not redeeming himself but fixing someone else's mess.

As for the second point, grappling with the reality that Choi Han was a villain.

Anyone would be messed up if they knew that they could become a terrible person. Choi Han was Cale's villain. His abuser. The reason he flinches every time Choi Han shows signs of anger. That would mess anyone up. Imagine knowing that you could become a terrible person who willingly physically harm another person.

While Choi Han has some murderous tendencies, he isn't a bad person. He clearly wants to be good. He saves people. He help others. He has a strong moral code and a sense of justice.

But he also kills people he deems as villains. His view of the world is different. Due to his isolation in the Forest of Darkness, and the constant struggle in a "kill or be killed" environment, he adopts a very "black and white" mentality. Good people deserve to live. Bad people do not. Subconsciously, he treats bad people with less respect and consideration. He can be very vicious, cold, and sometimes cruel to the people he sees as "bad". There is no grey in the world for him.

So when he was faced with Cale, someone who actively portrays himself as a "bad person", his dark side shows. And as the war progressed, that dark side of him grew.

Now the current Choi Han has to look at himself and do a lot of self reflection. He doesn't want to be the person who had hurt others so cruelly. How could he look at himself when he sees the damage "he" had done? He doesn't want to be the person he hates. He doesn't want to become like the cruel people who willingly harms others.

With hindsight and a glimpse into a possible dark path in front of him, Choi Han needs to reevaluate himself and think about his actions more critically. If he doesn't, he might just follow the same dark path. He is a good person. He doesn't want that to happen. To prevent it, he needs to do a lot of self reflection and improve upon himself.

It's not to say that Choi Han is a bad person. But just like everyone else, he has the potential to become one. He also has the potential to become a good person. It's about consideration of others and a lot of self awareness.

There are others but it's getting late for me so I'll cut it here for now. I might make a part 2 with Hans and Paseton, since their character arcs are more recent.

[stone-stars]

welllll since you're offering to talk about naddpod music, would you mind talking a little about the uses and stuff of Meemaw's Burden? :3 nbd if not, but if it sparks your fancy, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

oh god mee maw's burden. anon. my dear friend. you have no idea how insane uses of this song make me.

okay. so lemme start by saying that mee maw's is only used in bahumia (c1/c3). i think about this choice fucking constantly. you'll discover why shortly.

i'm not going to list out every mee maw's burden use. i could. but i'm not going to. instead, i'm going to point at the fact that the song is called mee maw's burden. we first hear it when mee maw reveals that she's got crick rot to moonshine, and that she's been hiding it from everyone.

and like. jolene is a druid who will live for hundreds and hundreds of years. and lose so many people. she's the matriarch of the crick. she's carrying this so that others don't have to be burdened by it.

and... that's kind of what mee maw's burden is used for. the burden of the living. the burden of the parent. the ones who take things on so that others don't have to. it's... bev sr selling his soul to hell. beverly seeing erlin dead. telaine learning about melora, and breaking down at the end of the fight. "how long do half elves live". calder asking ultrus to make a deal with him.

it's-- mee maw's burden is... living. living when others don't. accepting heavy loads so that others can live on. knowing that you might not, and knowing that you're okay with that. being strong in the face of it, because you have to.

oh! that note i made. about why it not being used in c2 is insane to me. it's because in c2, there's the cycle. of rebirth and reincarnation. the relationship to death and lifespans is different. so... of course it's not used in c2. and of course it is used throughout c1/c3.

also! a fun thing i like to point out is that if you listen to mee maw's burden, and then listen to the song that plays as the boobs talk to melora at the heart of the world in 97 (9:44 in the ad free version), you will notice that the start of the melora song is a variant on mee maw's. enjoy that knowledge. yes, this is the "what an honor, what an injustice" song.

(and, because i'm insane. i did do that thing i said i wasn't gonna do)

campaign 1 uses: (25) mee maw reveals her crick rot (38) joris explains he helped akarot for the sake of the dwarphanage because no one cares about dwarphans (39) jaina and hardwon talk about how they failed gemma (51) the chosen kill everyone at the crick in a flashback (58) bev sr. admits to selling his soul (70) bev finds the field guide on how to defeat his dad (73) bev goes down at akarot's hand (80) bev's flashback to the execution in hell (87) erlin almost has to choose between healing bev and saving red (88) bev sees erlin dead and revivifies him (89) bev and erlin talk about pelor's death (90) bev and egwene talk about erlin being taken (92) moonshine sees pendergreens and paw paw after dying (96) both moonshine telling telaine about melora and telaine breaking down at the end of the fight (98) both pestilence killing balnor and bev defeating qwiksus (99) both telling lucanus about erdan and, of course, "how long do half-elves live"

campaign 3 uses: (7) callie tells the others about her past with stealing the egg and giving it to glen (11) beatrix tells duck team that she's the last of the ruby scale and her dragon has been killed (27) callie goes down in the king durretar fight / king durretar gets his breath weapon back / big bev also goes down / generally shit being real bad in that fight (29) do i need. do i need to tell you when in crown of dreams this is used? (it's calder making a deal with ultrus. it was never not going to be that.) (32) callie disobeys the worm and takes a bunch of damage in order to save hardwon (54) gowan learns about gregor, and tells calder that he can't help because he left and isn't a ranger. "please. we've already lost enough. do not put yourself in a position where i lose another brother."

[derww]

Fandom: Ivorycello, Showtime SMP, Whitepine

CW: he/him pre-coming out Ivory at the start, blood, deaths, mentioned suicidality

Follows the canon very losely

***

And he stands admiring the sunset, and the grass under his feet is so, so soft, and the world behind is dying, destroyed by his own hands, because he has always existed only to destroy. 

The sunset is beautiful. It is painted with bright red and orange, fiery shades that devour everything to the ground. The sun is blinding him, but he still doesn't take his eyes off. His mask is cracked, his eye is disfigured, and his hands are covered with wounds and blisters, but for some reason he does not feel pain. 

The sun goes further and further below the horizon. Everything around him is gradually sinking into twilight. He looks down from the cliff and does not see the ground. The blood, flowing down from where the eye used to be, breaks on the ground with a repeating thud.

He once considered himself a bird. A snow-white swan, infinitely beautiful and charming, flying in the sky and soaring over the whole world. He believed in the freedom but was locked up again and again, and again and again, as if his very existence was the worst sin, and they were ready to chase him to the end of the world just to not let him be.

He sees the last ray of sunlight. Somewhere in the distance, nightingales and robins sing their songs, seeing off the day that has passed. The indifferent forest rustles, full of unspoken wisdom. Everything is getting plunged into the darkness.

Perhaps his wings were clipped from the day of birth. Perhaps no one has ever really tried to understand him. Perhaps he had never been actually strong.

He looks down from the cliff again. Maybe he's thinking about the abyss below him. Maybe he's thinking about what he did. Maybe he's thinking about the future. Maybe he's thinking about jumping off.

Instead, he reaches for his face – touches the mask, cracked in an infinite number of places, the skin of his neck and head, dotted with bruises and cuts, and a bloody mess in the place of an eye that he will never see again. He feels no regret for what he has done, but he has had to pay the price.

He reaches for the edge of the dirty-white ceramic mask, just a ghost of what it was. In a way, he had always hated it. To some extent, it saved his life. He makes a deep breath and takes the mask off, and for the first time in many years, he exposes his bare skin to the wind. And then she pulls off her boring jacket, and short snow-white hair frames her face.

She throws off the peel, the useless cocoon, and her wings spread behind her, proud and mighty. She spins, feeling real freedom for the first time, and she laughs – lightly and melodically, dancing and feeling so much... like myself.

It neither heals her wounds nor relieves her problems nor returns her eye, but for some reason at this moment she feels happier than ever. 

***

Ivory follows conflicts wherever it leads. She reaps its fruits with her scythe and goes on, taking the beautiful flowers and the hearts of the dead. 

She dances under the stars. She kills both the target and the witness. She admires the sunrise. She kills monsters almost lazily. She braids her own hair. She kills the God. 

She runs from her own shadow – and steps on her heels. Ivory rips out her spine for trying to stop her. She promises to kill her next time. She moves on.

She settles in a nice house in the snow. She settles in an underground base. She polishes the delicate pink armor and sharpens the blade, and puts a crown on her head because only a queen can rule. She prepares for a war. She declares herself the Watchkeeper.

It solves problems and creates even more new ones. 

Someone agrees with her, someone does not, but her decision does not depend on their opinion. Being lost in the cycle of violence for eternity, she wants to break it at least once, sacrificing everything that is important to her, and then herself, and this is the only noble act in her life.

She's still shedding blood, of course. Killer of the killers, zero regrets, and zero compromises. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not – she loses, but keeps trying as many times as it takes until she reaches her goal.

The raccoon talks to her. Few days later, he brings a scribbled book, where the people living here say that she must stop. She reads each of the messages carefully, with a care that is hard to expect. Then she flips it to a blank page and, in flowing handwriting, writes "No."

She's being killed. She's coming back. She's being killed. She's coming back. She's being killed. She's coming back. She's being killed. She's coming back.

Even with an iron axe, or without a weapon at all, she continues to attack because this is the only way to prove her loyalty. Her base is blown up, her belongings are stolen, and she herself is killed over and over and over again, but none of this matters. I will fight until you grind me to the dust, she said, and it wasn't untrue. People from here had a limited number of lives, but she was never local. Her existence was limited only by her personal endurance, and she was too stubborn.

She has absolutely nothing, and she is surrounded, and her List is in someone else's hands. People are talking to her. VI is talking to her. Zoli is talking to her. And she does not give up, does not refuse, does not compromise – but finally answers the right questions. And only then do they leave her alone.

She does not cease to be a Watchkeeper, but each of her limbs seems to be filled with iron. She makes a new sword and a new scythe and continues to fight, but for some reason her hands are now shaking. It's a small tremor, but she's an experienced warrior, and she feels it in every move. This is the first time she remembers that she is still a human. At least, to some extent. And that's a bad thing.

She talks to Vi. Vi smiles at her and they drink flower tea and talk about feelings. They don't talk about what happened. She tries to restore the List and realizes that she doesn't remember even half of the names. She goes through those she remembers. She looks for the original List, but she still can't find who has it. The blood on her hands feels just a little too much. 

She follows the mayoral elections with detached politeness. Even if she does not like the candidates, she respects the democratic government. She is ready to kill as many people as she wants; she is ready to walk over corpses and find her List, she is ready to die over and over again because they will never be able to break her spirit, but... Perhaps, any server needs to learn. Otherwise, it turns out that they did not even understood anything.

Immediately after the mayor's elections, she leaves a letter and dissolves into the cherry forests, taking neither weapons nor armor with her. She goes out into the night in a white dress, and none of the monsters attack her – maybe because the forest protects her, maybe because they feel how much stronger she is than all of them, or maybe because they do not understand that she is human, because, to some extent, she had not been for a very long time.

She goes further. She walks barefoot through masonry cities, raging rivers, and colorful valleys. She tears up edible plants and berries and eats food that is given to her by random passersby. She's not sleeping – she doesn't want to see Ebony. Sometimes Ebony comes to her in moments of blinking and tries to convince in something. Ivory blows her head off.

She's no longer picks up a sword – she doesn't lose the skill, and any object in her hands can be a murder weapon, but she chooses not to kill. Not because she thinks it's wrong, but because she no longer feels the need for it.

And, one day, she meets a man in both a strict and insufficiently formal suit. Webbed wings are folded behind his back. His white eyes glow a little in the dark. She doesn't remember at what point he offers her a job, but she agrees because it's something different.

She doesn't have to lie, because these people don't know what questions to ask. She corrects when her name is mispronounced, because she is Ivory, and this is the only name that belongs to her. They give her a uniform. She looks lovely in it.

Whitepine is not bad. She finds acquaintances, she learns how to work, she learns the rules of this place, and she even plays the piano. She has not played the piano for much more than an eternity, but her hands still begin to move on their own, bringing out a gentle, lingering, and somewhat anxious melody.

There's something in the forest, but it never scares her. There are vanishingly many creatures in the multiverse that she couldn't kill. That was the only thing she was really good at – killing. And maybe in music. She used to love to play a violin.

The estate breathes, beats, and lives at its own pace, full of servants and owners floating through the corridors and rooms. Serapter is a good guide and companion, and he guides her through her duties, introduces her to people, and makes sure she doesn't forget about food. She thinks they get along well, but she's never sure.

She only finds herself in being a maid, and then Misty dies. And for the first time in decades, she regrets that she does not have her familiar Boneripper with her. She doesn't know who she would have killed – the murderer left no clues or footprints – but she would have tracked them down, a hound dog, scenting a trail of blood and eating enemies alive.

But she was no longer Ivory, the godslayer. She was Ivory, the new maid at the manor. And even though she could always hide the knife in her skirt, for some reason she still feels helpless.

[trashratsaws]

You know why I buy the "Jinx is alive" theory? Because without it, I think Jinx's ending was the worst of all of them. I understand what it was meant to convey - a breaking of the cycle of violence and destruction, and she can never go back to being Powder again. It was even supplemented by Ekko's trip to the alternate reality where she got to grow up as Powder. The concept being that she could have only grown and healed and "broken the cycle" if she was able to become Powder again, and that wasn't possible. When she became Jinx, she lost all aspects of her personhood and became something else instead - for Silco a tool, perhaps a daugther but moreso an extension of himself, for many people a bother and a threat, but mostly a symbol rather than a person. Even when she was a "hero" to Zaun she didn't get to be a person. She believed that the only way to achieve personhood again was to somehow reconnect with Powder - with the person she used to be. She almost managed that through Isha - she represented everything that Jinx remembered about Powder and she was willing to fight for her. She tried rejecting Zaun in order to protect only Isha. But when Isha died to save Jinx, she doomed her instead. With Powder completely gone, so was any hope or semblance of personhood for Jinx. As an idea, she could only bring destruction everywhere she went in a vicious unending cycle. And you know what sucks? She could have become a person again. I don't believe that Jinx "the symbol" dying was the only way for the cycle to break. Ekko managed to convince her to stay alive long enough to fight for a new personhood that was not dependent on Powder but rather a future she could help protect. If she had lived long enough as Jinx I think she could have become more than the idea of destruction. She could have grown detached from her codependent relationship with Vi and developed her own life. She could have developed healthy coping mechanisms to deal with her losses, deepened her relationship with Ekko, with Sevika, anything. But she was destined to die. And I don't buy the take that Vi needed closure for the death of Powder by coming to terms with losing Jinx for good. Vi already came to terms with losing powder when she joined the enforcers in Act 1. She was prepared to kill Jinx to preserve the memory of her sister. But at the end of that act she not only understands that Powder is gone, but that Jinx is a person worth saving, EVEN with Powder gone. She wanted her to live - she wanted her to find personhood.

[quenthel]

My experience with Dragon's Dogma 2 and my thoughts about the true ending (spoilers!)

So first of all I never finished the first game. It just did not captivate me, and I got annoyed by the respawning low level enemies and lack of fast travel. I loved the monster designs and the pawns a lot tho.

Then the second game got announced n I vacillated between getting it and not getting it, while like 90% of my friends were hyping me up. I ended up pre-ordering. I made my pawn after my beloved kittycat Lara.

Dragon's Dogma 2 is very similar to the first game but it feels more polished. The vocations are more fun, the pawns are chattier and cuter, the vibe of the world is a bit more whimsical and sillier than it was. I ended up not minding the low level enemies at all because the combat is just that fun. The npcs are also more charming this time around but the more I played the more I just fell in love with the pawns. The rest of the npcs colored the world, and the game's big quest (aside from continuing the cycle n killing the dragon) is specifically to learn about this world. The pathfinder specifically tells you this the game itself grapes you by the shoulder and invites you to have fun in this light hearted theme park. Kill cool monsters! Meet lovely people! It's very comfy.

BUT THEN the game occasionally has moments that made me feel emotional. And many times these moments were connected to my pawn. When my dear Lara was in danger or dying or in pain in a cutscene it felt meaningful because she is my main pawn. My main traveling companion, my little heal bot. I even presented her to the Sphinx when she asked who I love the most because she is the one always by my side chatting in my ear.

Then I got to the end. And the victory over the dragon felt hollow. Like ok great I did it I saved the world but it's just the same shit right? And where is my pawn? So I triggered the true ending or the beginning of the true ending that breaks the cycle. At first I found this very cool bc I love when games about grand cycles allow you to just upset the order of things... (It was very dark souls like) After I found my pawn sweet Lara again I started taking on the rest of the post game, which was preparing the denizens of the world that it is ending. Lara said she always felt my Arisen's presence like a heartbeat, even while separated.

And as I was facing down the last thing available for me (aside from another quest that glitched out) something very cool happened. The last challenge was killing another of these weird brine dragons, by powering the Gigantus you fight earlier. And it was LARA doing it not my Arisen. And SHE killed the dragon. Like pawns in this game have no free will at all, it's acknowledged many times by the setting. They are mysterious and they exist to help you. They have emotions, and they chitter cutely, but you make them. They are even more doll like than your own player character or all npcs and yet by the end my own pawn was the character I cared for the most. And she started acting without me prompting.

And then it was the end of my journey and I summoned a new proper dragon. And Lara turned into one too (like when pawns get the disease n turn into dragons) but this time she remained aware. And she helped me kill the new dragon. Like the last moment with your poor struggling pawn deciding to help you not because it's their role in this world but because it WANTS to help out of it's free will? That moment will stuck with me for a long time.

And it's such a smart decision too bc your Arisen steps out of the cycle and your pawn your precious companion does too. While the spirit of the game talks about pawns being hollow nothings, your own pawn replies to that that it's not true and it became something because of the player. And this is a game where pawns learn things from you all the time.

Like it just made me think about a lot of things. Fantasy stories and the people in these stories are there to serve a purpose usually (the pathfinder says this exact same thing too). Dragon's Dogma 2 analyzes what it means to exist in one such a story on a level I think. Like it presents you with a beautiful world and with lovely people you can escape to. It's idillyc and you are a hero and you can kill monsters and dragons and you can be so cool. And at first wanting to see the true ending feels like a punishment. Like oh really? You wanted to see this world unravel? Well it's all shit now. All those lovely people are in danger the world is no longer beautiful and everyone is DOOMED. Do you care to struggle? Why do you care to struggle? Do you care for this little doll you made so many hours ago to aid you? Why does it feel meaningful when it gains free will?

I think it's very impactful on a level because I did end up caring a lot. Especially about my pawn transforming into something new. The two of us together remaking the lovely world in which neither of us have a place in...

[yutasbimil]

Oxymoron

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (8/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: hurt/comfort ♡︎ cw: heavy on (self) angst; suicidal ideation; graphic and morbid descriptions on said thoughts, negative self-talk, skewed self-perception, mentions of attempts, self-harm. triggering topic on neglect and invalidation of family/relatives. it all eventually wraps up nicely with comfort! ;w; If I were to encapsulate Yule x Vyn's relationship in a song, I think this fits them nicely :') ▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။||||။ | ‘you were good to me’ by jeremy zucker, chelsea cutler + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 3.6k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7

do not repost © yutasbimil (2024)

cont.

Her waking life seems to be a walking oxymoron. Yule keeps contradicting herself of her beliefs, relearning everything from the truth that was built by someone else for her.

Maybe as to why she is at constant war with herself.

Now she’s crippled in taking her own steps after being locked up for so long in other people’s chains.

But she keeps caving in.

At most it stayed stagnant as ‘suicidal ideation’ to her, ever so lingering like a cycle.

Not till recently, a door peeked off an attempt and showed up a possibility at the doorstep for Yule. 

And it scared the crap out of her.

Never she had seen a suicidal attempt an option.

As killing herself brought so much distress and inconvenience to her, the idea of her bones, guts, and body splattering all over after jumping skyscrapers, or by the cliff where she rots just doesn't bring justice to her body.

Even physically harming herself like cutting slits in her skin just brings inconvenience to her. The blood spilling, the healing process, the scarring…  it's too much of an inconvenience so she just relies on other means of self-harm.

To starvation, dehydration, oversleeping, punishing herself by lying on a pool of her own sweat and limiting herself to any means of ventilation, and just sleeping for hours on end just to avoid everything.

Major Depressive Disorder with tendencies to self-harm huh?

Not at all real!

I’m miserable! I was born on a Wednesday, I am woe!

Although I have aggression and display such hostility, it is only to myself. Yet it isn't enough of an acknowledgment that I want myself gone?

How much begging on my knees is needed to be done?

The noose just brings a cone of shame type of feeling onto her as she doesn't like her body to be seen in the aftermath.

Even after dying, you're still shamed.

And she doesn't want that.

On the contrary, she's embarrassed at most having to think this morbidly that it brings Yule to shame if she ever dies sad and as a psychology advocate in the field.

A mental health advocate dying of suicide? Oh Lord, the shame.

As if we're immune to the mental distress and agony, but alas, it's hard for people to understand that people are most likely prone to such anguish of humanity.

It's difficult for Yule to grasp that she's back in this state.

But the last time she had bed rotted? Much so that she stayed almost two weeks at worst in her bed with little to no eating, drinking, and bathing herself— It just made her parents fucking mad for acting such a way.

An insolent fool, why are you acting so pathetic?

No such words came out of their mouth but the looks on their faces didn't show any sign of concern. If anything, it's just having such a disgrace of a human coming out of their womb.

And when they demanded her to open up, which she did multiple times FYI— All they did was dismiss and invalidate her.

Yule is tired, beyond expended but she has no other choice but to just continue on to carry her flesh and bones walking this earth.

New profound demons emerged along the voices in her head to “Do it.” Do an attempt to just get it over with to prove your point, Yule.

Show them how serious you are…

The whispers have been stronger and viler ever since. But she doesn't want to cave in.

At the back of her mind, it's not at all worth it to prove a point. Pointless. How serious and severe her mental ache is… it brings more gape and hollow to her already void heart the idea of dying in actuality.

“I don't like the idea of dying, I just want to disappear out of thin air.”

And it just goes on as a cycle.

You achieved all that and yet you're depressed?

Exactly. No matter how many heights I reach… All I ever wanted was a hand to reach out to me when I was in desperate need of help.

But it's just going to be dismissed.

I want to jump off and disappear.

She had dissociated since yesterday, even the packing and unpacking of her things were more organized than her array of thoughts.

Yule could only breathe in as she heard a knock outside the bathroom door.

“You need help with anything, dear?” Vyn checks up on her, she’s taking longer than usual as he noticed.

Yule blinked, blankly looking at the unkept reflection mocking her as it showed a tear-stained face she didn’t even notice had emerged.

“N-no, just… will be done after this!” she cleared her dry throat, mouth grubby as her croak echoed in the bathroom walls. 

Vyn simply responded ‘alright’, and let her be with her business.

The bathroom door creaked open as Yule dragged the door a bit too timidly, trying to not make a sound but opposite it did. 

By the looks of it, Vyn had been waiting for her as he sat by the sofa with a tablet at hand, looking casual as he read through the screen. Vyn briefly scans her as well, retaining his glance at her for a moment to acknowledge her presence in the living room. But he kept quiet, respecting the space she needed.

Yet here she is, being unreasonable towards him…

Even as Yule gets the vacant seat across him, she quickly gets swallowed up with guilt. She scrunches up her long skirt, lowering her head. Yule can’t even look at Vyn. “Can I sit beside you?”

Vyn looks up to meet her shaky eyes, he nods and pats the space beside him.

Yule can’t help but tear down her walls.

Tackling Vyn’s figure a bit, Yule is enveloped in the silver-haired male’s arms as she bursts into tears. Vyn encapsulated the petite lady into their safety net, hovering his hand slightly over her head.

Yule hugs him tighter, barely coherent. “V-vyn… I-I…” she tried to muster words, but she could only manage to bury herself in his chest.

Vyn just stayed quiet, holding her and shushing her to calm down. Yule only clutched to his shirt as she sipped in another breath.

“Sorry about what I said earlier, and how I acted as a jerk. I warned you beforehand but that was still out of line. I’m sorry…” Another intake of breath. “I don't know what came over me, but I know it is still wrong and I want to make up for it.”

Even in the previous instances, the sudden outbursts are quite telling. It masks her shame of the obvious relapse. Even as how she interprets it... it's her catching up on a lot of suppressed emotions that she exploded to tears.

Even simmering down her tears once it starts is difficult. It just resulted in her crying for hours as she felt helpless.

She feels empty yet again.

Yet, it spiked fear in her system.

Her eyes maintained such shakiness due to panic, about how? How could I ever make up to Vyn after that instance?

“I just feel helpless and it was not the right method to ask for help when you're being warm towards me. Always, just being kind when I least deserve it.”

Vyn had to rebut her on that.

“No one deserves to be punished for trying, and I can see that with you, love.” Vyn caresses and brushes her hair, feeling the hotness of her tears and breath near him. He hopes to lighten up the heaviness she feels in her strained breathing. “You deserve kindness the most on how people can be quite ignorant of their actions, and not the reaction of people towards their behavior.”

So I am making sense and just reacting towards their actions?

But… it’s still not pretty and kind. Vyn seeing me like this…Her abandonment issues heightened her anxiety.

“I-I don't know I just, feel unworthy and I want you to leave me as it's easier than to deal with this whole mess.” Her breath hitched at the thought, and she quickly took it back. “But—! I don't want you to prove it either that I am that easy to leave and unlovable—”

“You really just listen to what you want, hmm?” Vyn clasps his hands on both her cheeks to make her look at him. He sees his reflection through her dewy eyes. “Didn't I say I won't leave despite your attempts to throw me off? I am not that easy to be unfazed.”

His doting eyes bring her more tears, especially his words. “You’re so worthy, more than worthy. You deserved to be loved.”

He kisses atop her head, to her forehead, looking at her deeply once again making her meet his golden eyes. “I'll never get sick of understanding you and standing by your side. Never that I'll get weary, I get tired as I'm human, yes, but then I'll rest… Nothing a little slumber, even in the comfort of another, beside each other. Hmmm? Isn’t this proof enough that I remain holding you like this that you are worthy, Yule?”

“Vyn…”

“I love you more than enough to stay.”

“I feel ugly and disgusting. I haven't properly cleaned myself— there are others better, prettier, and saner than me. Not broken...” she voiced out but her endeavors were blocked by the stroking thumb by the side of her lips. Vyn’s eyes remained unwavering, contrarily, it’s in the midst of softened to deepening eyes striking back at her.

“And do I care? I don't care about other people as they're not you, Yule." Vyn pressed. "And you are not broken, don't call yourself such statements.”

Alas, her attempts to run away didn’t work as usual. 

“Again, I’m sorry." she breathes in. "I’m ready now to talk…”

Finally sorted out her thoughts, Yule vented out as to why she doesn’t like visiting home, on what had happened. But that’s the usual conversation laid on the table in their household. Nothing new.

She only went back to get some of the important documents she had forgotten in their home. 

“That was what occupied your thoughts since yesterday, hmmm? Explaining your dissociation since this trip began, love.”

Yule nods, and Vyn begins to piece together how much it makes sense. Her antsy behavior when it comes to time, she got so used to strict and unreasonable curfews. It was as if her body was still in panic mode, and it showed through her jitters. It really stuck even though she’s now free and already is an adult.

Being caged for so long has long-lasting effects like this.

Yule got caught up in her flow of venting, she felt her breath hot and tired. She craved water. 

“Sorry, we’re supposed to have fun and forget our usual daily lives for a moment.” Yule laughs dryly, guilt catching up her skin, but Vyn’s hand caught her consciousness first, cutting off any means of shame to develop.

“You’re supposed to let off some steam, that’s the purpose of this trip after all…”

He reaches out to her cold hands, yet his are still colder than hers. Even so, the softened gaze in his eyes radiates warmth. Like sunlight gently peeking out the curtain windows ever so slightly at mid-late morning.

She heaves in a breath to ground herself.

“Is that why you asked me on my day off to go somewhere all of a sudden?”

“Not sudden but… I had been planning since to make sure everything would go smoothly. Such a surprise needs intricate planning.”

The hints of perfectionism are reflected in his reasoning then again. But he admits a slight slip-up to his plan, a hiccup if I may.

Vyn noticed Yule was extra cautious and might have triggered her anxiety due to him ignoring her or being suspicious these past few days, adding to her abandonment issues resurfacing.

He’s guilty of this.

“I apologize it's not the best execution as it made you overthink and almost caused rapture in your trust in me. Most especially that it was an inappropriate timing due to your recent unpleasantries. But I hope you understood my intentions…” 

“You didn’t know fully what happened to me…” she shakes her head, sighing out of relief. “This made up for it, don't worry. I know your intentions very well, love.”

“Yes, but I still should've done better, I apologize, m’lady.”

Seeing her finally softening up, to her stable breathing and relaxed eyes. He can finally somehow rest easy.

Vyn continues to stroke his fingers on her hand, bringing it up close to his lips to gently caress it. “You told me last time that you wanted to visit this place, so your wish is my command.”

“I only mentioned it briefly, but you took that much thought into it?” She smiles to herself. “Your attention to detail is truly exceptional, Will.”

Feeling more loosened up and at ease, she reached and tugged the hem of his polo shirt.

“Vyn… I still feel disoriented, I’m embarrassed to ask this but… can you help me with my hair?”

“Sure, no worries…” He heaves her in to fix her posture as he’s back-hugging her. His tone showed no hesitations, whatsoever.

“But I’m giving you a heads-up I haven't washed it in days.” Yule goes onto a blabber then again. She’s just afraid of being vulnerable and him seeing her state like this, her condition of being lazy and tactless over her hygiene.

That’s when she knew it was getting bad.

Her basic functioning is blighted.

Also, this answers her attempts to avoid kissing him or anything and just isolates herself as she feels paralyzed to do anything.

Again, Vyn is that observant of her habits, it no longer hinders his interest in her.

“Want me to prepare a bath for you as well? Or… we can take a bath together?” The perk of his silver brow hints a sliver of mischievousness.

Though, the suggestion seems so convincing if it means getting refreshed. It didn’t show or imply any lewdness from the silver-haired man at all.

She could only let loose and be vulnerable; bare-naked in his presence on how gentle Vyn handles her.

-

The simple gesture overwhelms her, even with him tucking her in bed.

Vyn smoothed and brushed her hair with his fingers. He laid a chaste kiss atop her head as he whispered a soft good night.

His voice ever soothing her senses. Quite opposite of her sleepless nights in her childhood bedroom. The neon star stickers on her bedroom ceiling bring more blinding rays than calm slumber. And the random noise in their house is like storm clouds hovering over her head.

But being in his presence and his sound of breathing, equates to a calm pattering on the roof of a tranquil rain, and their shared bed a laid out like a cloud to soundly sleep in.

Lifting her chin up as support, Vyn wipes off the tears that she didn't even notice already leaked out beyond her consciousness and control.

“I'm sorry for how cruel the world has been to you, love.” He softly speaks, and he laid kisses by her eyes. “You don't deserve any of this travesty on your character.”

“No, we don't, Vyn… we deserve more than just survival." There's lightness in her chest saying this, she pulls him closer to her chest, enough that they attune to both their heartbeats. "We should be able to live.”

We deserve better, and on how Yule is crying right now, it is encapsulated in her endearing gaze towards this man.

It’s to let out all the pain, and how she yearns for a soft, easy-going life. That’s what she wanted all along. The calmness. And she’s eternally grateful that Vyn is the one to open her eyes to the possibility that she deserves this.

She deserves the light to live, to rest easy, to be able to breathe. And the privilege of living to share a breath with another.

“And your turmoil towards what they're doing is as it should, it's of reason… and does not reflect nor imply blighted blemishes on you as a person.

You are human after all, and you should be allowed to be human with vast and depth of emotions.

As not everything is black and white, my love, and I know it has been difficult for you to navigate through the opacity and hues of the grayness of it all… But I will gladly be of service to be your strength in this journey with you.”

His words serve as a soft reminder, but also shatter her in the sense that she wakes up. It's time to face reality. That everything coming up to this point in one’s life matters to shape a person, but it shouldn’t dictate you on your desired, deserved future.

It is still a matter of one’s hand how we navigate through life. But it’s also a nice reminder that she has a helping hand to count on as she journeys further ahead.

Yule truly needed that wake-up call.

This is a reminder to keep trying. To live on.

“You're no longer alone, and I hope I don't bring you shame that I am not the first person in mind to hold on to when you need help.”

“But now, I have to keep ingraining it in my mind to think of you, always… will that be alright?” Yule cups her hand on his face, tracing the mole residing by the side of his eye.

He beams, putting his hand over hers. “You have my full permission, love. And vice-versa.”

Reciprocated, as their love for each other.

Feeling the restlessness vanish, his words are the only thing grounding her tonight.

He continued his list of reminders, as tonight seemed to be the night she needed it the most. And hopefully, the last time she would be wrapped in intense anxiety instead of a warm blanket.

“You're more than that Yule, and you know that as to why it brings you so much remorse on how opposite their actions towards you with your real, actual worth.

You no longer have to be so hostile towards yourself, I'll be here every step of the way to lead you back whenever you go astray from what's doing you good.”

Like a good nudge to her timid figure, it nudged Yule to his side of the bed more, more certain with her full concentration on his.

“Their vile treatment of you gives a disservice to your kindness, and you're usually a patient person but you are put to the test when it comes to them.”

Vyn wipes the last of her flowing tears, now turning to a halt as his words assure her.

She feels seen; she feels loved.

“I hope I bring you calm instead of triggering your fight or flight mode.”

Yule laughs, in disbelief at how this is turning her overwhelmed with emotions, but now she feels safe letting her walls break loose as Vyn accepts her vulnerability.

She pulls him close to her chest, to let him know how her heart is beating at a fast pace. At most that he is one of the reasons she wants this heart to keep beating.

And only if she can stop one’s heart from breaking, it would be his, it is Vyn’s heart that she wants to protect with her dear life as well.

“I'm usually under the water, muffled at most, drowning with rage and darkness of an abyss-like pit.

I have been long lost in this labyrinth in my waking life. But upon meeting you, it was as if fate— destiny, whatever force the universe had brought us… I have resurfaced into calm waters.” With every softness she could gather, it is placed with a kiss they share.

“You keep me afloat.”

He kissed her back, and as if eons passed on how profound the feelings scattered across the warmth of both their chests. Tugging and pulling in between the skies and seas, it is left suspended.

Tranquil.

“And you are my anchor, you ground me and keep me safe from straying away. And at last, upon dreading destiny, I have come to love and accept it as it led me to you. Perhaps this was fate.”

And they wouldn't like it any other way.

They keep each other well-balanced.

Besides not getting enough sleep due to insomnia and uneasiness, she’s only able to make up for the lack of it with Vyn beside her. His presence serves as serotonin.

She hasn't had a good night’s sleep for a long while.

Her calm disposition displays the apparent glow of her recovering and getting better in being more liven up. And truly Yule’s more invigorating aura was driven to this point as they have come to a full circle. She comes off more regulated, happier.

She has been trying for so long to get off the seemingly helpless cycle.

Now she has someone quite opposite to her nature to accompany her hand in hand.

Yule is ready to accept and throw anything else that’s disheartening, as love is what's valued above all.

The golden eyes of Vyn brought her back to the ground. Being lifted and carried with such care she no longer felt the cynic air of dismay.

Just gentleness and warmth.

He embodies the tea aroma he loves so much.

He is love.

One wouldn't let oneself be this bare without trust, it is never uncomplicated to lay a doormat to welcome intimacy that easily again. Especially after mishaps after mishaps; the mass of catastrophes had led one’s heart to be numb.

But perhaps, it is love that was felt as to why their walls were torn down beyond the windows of one’s soul. No doubt if they hadn't let themselves be vulnerable, if they didn't try once more— this wouldn’t be their decided fate.

To love an unlovable person, that concept stayed an impossible decree for Yule not till it was proven wrong by Vyn. And for him, to fall in love at first sight when it is one of the most straying thoughts in his system, but then, Yule managed to breach through his walls at first glimpse.

As much as they see each other’s foundation as fallen debris, a dilapidated land.  

It gives them hope that people can always start anew, now that they have each other… Together, they can make a home for one another.

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