#vyn: paradox series

[yutasbimil]

Enigma

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (6/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: fluff, smut cw: nsfw minors dni, p0rn w/ plot, kissing, roleplay, anal, semi-public sex, rough, spanking/slapping, hickeys, hair pulling, overall kinky stuff!! , oral (male receiving), teasing, fingering, overstimulation, dom/sub; top/bottom dynamic, dirty talking, dumbification, multiple orgasms, passionate af; godammit vyn, unprotected sex, aftercare, FLUFF ! ! ! D; + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; + a little sweet and spicy bit before a heavy ending to this whole story. enjoy! ♡︎ word count: 6.0k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 7 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2024)

The vision of him beside the bed, so ethereal, with golden eyes shining bright at her like the sun casting down at her is exhilarating, a sort of addiction you could call it.

More so spiking to the senses to know the fact that Vyn Richter is never at all the odds a morning person, let alone someone who would wake up before you so early in the morning.

Hence to see him gently observing her with anything but sleepy eyes can get one’s blood rush at sixty kilometers tops before you get a sip of your morning coffee.

She leans peacefully and heaves in a sigh as Vyn plays strands of her hair.

It makes Yule yearn for more of his presence and very existence.

So it made her jumpy like a high school girl with a big fat crush running to his clinic at their designated time. 

Yule stands tons light by the doorstep, bow neatly pleated on her hair, along her skirt, and carefully picked sweater-top just to be present on their date. And yes, they called it official the last time, but it still made the sides of her lips soar high by her cheeks and eyes. Her heart almost topples over by barely pushing the glass door of his workplace.

Okay, breathe in, you're also here to his request, or because she made plans to give in to the request… not that she needed to be pushed to do it. Yule liked to experiment, nonetheless.

Yule's monologue was cut short by the buzz of her phone in her knitted pocket, and her throat dried a bit to the anticipation, or rather, felt quenched by the idea she was going to face him once again. My Vyn Richter… 

“Hi, Dr. Richter.” Her greeting came off rather stiff and formal as she restrained her squeal at the sight of him. Yule saw him half-naked on his bed this morning, she shouldn’t be this giddy when it hasn’t been that long she missed him, right?

Vyn smiles at her presence, gesturing to a vacant seat.

She walked into his office a bit after working hours, and the sound of the door closing resounded.

“Oh Yule, please, we're in the comfort of our own privacy within my office. Just call me by my name if you may.”

Yule is fully assured that this is such a private event the moment she closes the door. The sound along with people setting off to get home signaled they were alone in the facility.

The walls provided proof of privacy as they value secrecy on any acts to do confidentiality. 

"Okay, Al…" she almost suppressed an eye roll directed at herself, but it flew off out of her control. Yule swallowed her nervousness to wish it would go away. Her mind is still quite preoccupied with control as her top priority.

“That's a nice nickname, thought you'd stick with "Will"?”

She expected him to point that out quickly.

“I like to experiment, I guess.” she shrugs, Yule is not quite sure, but she felt Vyn interpreted it another way as well. Or she might’ve been too conscious of her posture, is she standing weird? It still feels jarring to feel something stuck up in between her legs like this—

He walks over to her, seeing the roleplay of sorts not on their agenda just yet. It's nice to be greeted with such casualness it almost ironically pushes off the words she's speaking out.

"I find it hard choosing one since you have many names, but Albert seems very endearing to hear."

Vyn’s eyes on hers are still observing like a vulture flying around its prey, but she's anything but looking pale and dead with her face flushed by his stares. How can one resist such a handsome fellow staring at you?

"Funny as it's anything but me who's been experimented on, and if I know you and your relations on things... You thought of Little Albert*, hmmm? Don't lie that that didn't cross your mind at all, Yule?"

Oh, it's starting.

Knowing Vyn, she easily picks up his cues when he's setting the mood. Though this is a bit silly to meet halfway with her randomness and weirdness, if she may add. This is anything but that tragic traumatic experiment.

"It can be quite a common name, right? And experiment? I doubt you call such phenomena like this with us "just having a fun experiment"…" Yule suppressed all her self-control with anything but pouncing at him here and there.

She needs to wait, Vyn is after all already setting her in her lane since the second that she stepped on his domain.

"Hmmm? Don't you find any of this thrilling? I mean we got all the factors and variables laid out here… and you willingly went in to do as I requested?" The assumption in his tone is remarkable, and her avoidance of being direct really gave it away. Besides her bashfulness about the situation, his look alone is filling her to be self-conscious.

Given her faltering posture and squeamish legs, it's quite obvious.

No wonder it earned a smirk on Vyn's face.

“So, you did give in to my request.” He repeated, without any trace of query in his statement. He approached Yule and closed off their proximity bit by bit. 

Vyn’s gradual movements are calculated, with observing her consent to this. She’s facing the door, so Vyn has a clear view of her back. 

Her breath hitched more in anticipation, bringing down her walls as Vyn placed his fingers on her skirt. Her legs weaken as he slips in teasingly by the edge of the linen.

“That’s… up for you to find out,” Yule leans forward onto the table, looking behind him with sultry eyes. She sighs in request, mouth slightly agape. “Please look closer for me, Dr. Richter.” 

From circling around her to now standing behind her. Vyn tugs her close, inching his fingers underneath her skirt. Lifting it up, he chuckles at her reaction. Her hitching breath leaves her body, giving away her weakness. “Dr. Richter…”

He simply looks at her, keenly gesturing to her by his table. Vyn moves her up properly so she's bending over.

Vyn touches the surface of her bum, she breathes in as she feels Vyn inching closer. “I thought I saw a sheer crystal through your pantyhose.”

He's way too good at this, fuck.

“You're already in this soaking state, my dear.” He caves in and breathes through her covered core. She flinched with a moan eliciting her lips. Vyn chuckles. “We haven’t even started yet.”

“It’s your fault for looking so damn fine.” She tries to press herself further down the table as if to bury her embarrassed self. But it’s no use.

“Did you wash up well? I know how it could be such a bother for you,” he rips through the thin fabric of the pantyhose. Yule feels the cold air through her bare skin.

“More on for you. You know how bothered I am by my own poo,” she stressed, yelping and embarrassed as the male lifted her ass up.

Vyn chuckles at her wording, also her face reddened as she avoids eye contact only cautious of her bum.

“It's only natural, my dear.” He reaches for her face to kiss her. “No need to be so embarrassed about it around me.”

As if they haven’t known the dark aspects of each other that can be far worse or can make other things inconsequential, no?

It’s amusing.

As if an intrusive thought pushed Vyn, he tugs it gently to loosen up, it immediately sucks back in her hole. She violently jerks at the sensation of the buttplug. It really is the first time for her to try it out.

“Hngh, Vyn… no, not so suddenly… not like that.” her breath shakes.

It piques pleasure to the silver-haired male to see her like this. Vyn’s taking steps slowly as he knows how to gradually raise her pleasure.

Yule even plans to go commando but even like this, she’s already dripping wet.

Vyn pulls her panties up, further soaking them with her juices that it stains a part of her thong.

“Oh, what an exquisite color,” he runs through her plump and erect clit simultaneously. It came off as a double meaning with her bright red core. He then lifts her up a bit to get a clearer view.

The golden buttplug is shimmering like Vyn's dilated pupils, he licks his lips as if anticipating her like a meal.

No objectifying women in this household but damn, why is she such a damn price?

He runs through the silver rimmed, golden gem residing on her butthole. “Did you mean to buy this color upon hearing my request?”

“I-I, hnmm�� Vyn.” She is growing delirious, barely nodding at him. She's already a drooling mess at the touch of his long fingers. “I only picked the item, but I received it like that.” She also was surprised upon receiving it to be honest.

“As if by coincidence? It's meant to be yours then… I am certain it adds up to you thinking of me upon inserting it.” Vyn smirks, touching her more. He’s now preparing the piece of fabric to wrap around her eyes. His hot breath tickles her earlobes. “But… I am afraid I must waste some of your effort putting it in.”

Vyn blindfolds Yule, pulling her near but his closeness is obvious how Vyn is hovering over her body.

Unsure and anticipating where his finger will next land, she breathes out in the thrill of the unknown. Yule is feeling herself getting wetter the more that his touches doesn't hit her sensitive core.

The more he avoids it, the more she pools over in pleasure.

“Don’t be such a tease…”

With that, he quickly tends to her request, as if no transition from being gentle to full-on energetic in his actions.

“That would be hard for me to fulfill, dear.”

Vyn gave her a brief implication and assurance as he would be shifting by gently cupping her face, much like a warning on how conflicting it is to his roughness.

His smile is quite the opposite of how disorienting his hot fingers are riveting in and out of her wet core.

“F-fuck…” She heaves in as a string of saliva attempts to slip off her lips. Yule remains her butt sticking out as Vyn fingers her mercilessly. Every joint and edge of his long, veiny fingers hit her pussy devilishly, the only thing missing is that she feels the blood running in him at every pump he does. Is he this good at fingerfucking?

Any more she will slip off the table if not gripping on its edges so tightly.

“Please, ah-uhh… shit, just anything other than the fingers… I want more.”

“Where, dear? Here…?” He grazes painstakingly by her buttplug, already drenched and surrounded by her juices.

“There, there, yes, there please, Dr. Richter.”

“Getting more honest now, huh? Just how I like it. Not even words are needed as your wetness already begs to be tended badly,” he breathes out. Vyn smells of mint, sandalwood, and hints of rubbing alcohol.

After a sloppy kiss, she reaches sightlessly by his nape, pulling him closer into a kiss.

“It’s so fucking, good…” she shamelessly blurts out. Even she was surprised that she was still continuously leaking juices. It’s embarrassing how very wet she is, even on how tight his fingers are being sucked by her pussy.

Vyn gently places a kiss on the side of her forehead, in turn, Yule reaches for anything other than the table. She wants Vyn’s warmth, can’t I at least feel his hard-on?

The lady is really craving his dick so early on in the act, and Vyn is just warming her up. But to her luck, it wasn’t that soon that the man moved to his next step. Before she begs him about what she wants to do though.

“I want to pleasure you first.”

Yule wasn’t able to do it last time. She wants to make up for it.

“You sure?” Vyn asks.

With how she switches their positions, she slightly pushes the taller man to the table to make him lean onto it. She directly looks at him with such seductive eyes, and with a prompt nod from the man, she proceeds. 

He makes sure she's in between his legs, ready to let loose his erect member tenting up his trousers. She nods, letting her mouth do its thing by placing the zipper in between her teeth to pull it down devilishly.

Just by observing the bulge itself, underneath it already looked big. But considering he’s European, oh Lord, he’s a foreigner and she should already expect this. But it still left her shocked seeing how he's huge, mouth-agape at the sight quite literally.

She sprung free his erection in a cinch, seeing how he was still reaching underneath her sweater onto her chest while she was doing her work. She pulls away momentarily and looks up at him.

“No can do, this first…”

Never that she wants to do anything for man, but at this point it’s as if she is the one in control of how she will devour him.

She didn't get to look at it closely, but his size really is overwhelmingly big, from the thickness to the length and width. No wonder she's filled to the brim last time.

It filled her with nervousness every time, but by the twist at the pit of her stomach, it was more on the anticipation.

Next comes the saliva that she easily satiated as she gapes her mouth, finally putting his dick in her mouth.

Vyn hisses at the warmth, even from the proximity of her hot breath had him weaken prior, even if it isn’t as overt how he’s affected by her mere presence.

With a bit of difficulty, she moistened his girth, further pushing his erection down her throat. 

“Uhmpphh!” She flinches along the hitch of her breath as Vyn bulks his hips involuntarily.

Vyn holds onto her cheek, gently stroking her face as a way to apologize. He checks on her with sheer concern, it's their first time doing this as to why he wants to test her limits. 

With the way he was softly looking at her, she had to melt into his golden gaze.

“Sorry, love, a-ahhh, I got a bit carried away.” he says.

She felt ditzy, and the butterflies sprung free. 

“That goes to show I’m doing a good job?” she beams, licking teasingly at his twitching girth. The added twitch as she grabbed hold of his hard-on answer to her query.

“Very much so.” He nods, smirking as she even has the appeal to taunt him at this moment. Vyn’s hand landed atop her head, he tenderly stroked her hair, opposite to her rigorous motions.

She takes pride in that, immediately boosting her confidence as she continues sucking him off. The loud slurping noises reflect how she maneuvers her sloppy performance.

With every bop of her head, added to a moan emitting off Vyn’s lips. She had no other choice but to add to his pleas of pleasure, tuning along with him. It sounds mellifluous, music to her ears the same effect as a sonata would carry her off to its melody.

��Ah, ahhh… anymore, and I will be close,” he says in between his groans. Yule took this as noted, shifting to sucking him to licking his tip, gripping her fingers tightly around his dick, down his base and sensitive spots consistently. 

Vyn grabs hold onto his self-control, careful not to pull her hair too much that it would hurt her scalp.

He heaves in a breath, his eyes momentarily darken with intensity.

She pauses for a moment as Vyn taps onto her shoulders.

“Undress,” he directs, pointing to her shirt. He pushes her off smoothly and with a pop, it makes her look at him. “Actually, just this, I want to enjoy what you prepared.”

Yule quickly does as he says, pulling her shirt over her ‘till she shows her plump chest, cinched in nicely in her lace bralette. Vyn moves close to her, grazing his finger by her bum, squeezing it then gesturing back to her previous spot.

She feels the man’s penis ever growing more in her mouth as she serves him fellatio.

From time to time, Vyn would stop her briefly from moving, his gentle hold would indicate him checking up on her as he goes deeper and deeper into the back of her throat. Her breathing would also interchange with his movements.

Her head continued to bop up and down, it was easy to hit the back of her throat, giving her a bit of a sensation as if she was choking. His taste is enough to fleetingly switch her mind on and off. She could get high off the feeling of having Vyn like this.

Yule readjusts her position, kneeling securely as she uses her other hand pumping at his length. Grabbing hold of his coiled-up balls with her mouth, she sucks on it.

Vyn groans.

He runs his fingers through her chin, then goes through her sweet lips. His gesture is as if a knife cutting through her with his piercing gaze.

He makes her suck his fingers. “Is this to your liking, love?”

Vyn then cups her face, gently caressing it then gives her a soft, stinging blow. Then another, she barely twitched as Vyn slapped the sore side of her face.

Yule grins shamelessly, swallowing his cock back in her throat every after slap.

Vyn, in turn, softens again his touch on her cheek, then slaps her in pattern to his doing as if conditioning in a way. “I thought so too.”

He pushes her back into deepthroating him, feeling its hard twitching sensation at the back of her throat, she almost gags.

On how hard it is, is he still holding onto it too much? 

With a loud pop, she lets go of his erection, she pumps the base of his dick, making rounds at his tip. “You can let it out, you know… Please, you can release it all over me.”

The stimulation of his sex had him reply to her with a muffled “Alright.”

On how hard she is sucking onto him, it isn’t helping on keeping up with her pace.

The view from Vyn’s perspective had a similar effect of his system going haywire. If anything, the least that he wants to do is have Yule serve him this way. But the sparkle in her eyes, close to blank, darkened stares, had him infer that she is enjoying this. 

So Vyn just let her, tapping in quite literally by holding onto her stuffed cheeks. The irony of having cute aggression in her sexually aroused face also added fuel to his libido. Just how attracted is he to this person that he’s this down bad?

And what luck did he have to trade in his previous life to receive the same feelings he harbors?

“Yule…” The hold on her face tightens a bit as it transitions to white all over.

Not too long, strings of white springs out his dick, covering her face down to her bare chest. With a satisfied lick on his seed, it is anything but a bitter ending to her lips as they’re just getting started.

“Good girl,” he rasps, his voice still shaky from the ejaculation.

He pats her head, hand going down to her face, a bit sticky in the aftermath, but there remains a wide smile on her face. Even as he hands her a wet tissue to wipe off any of his juices left.

As if finishing off with a high, she sways her butt out giddily, as if taunting the man to target her.

Right after the momentary break and freedom, her body meets the wooden office table once again. Vyn locks both of her hands by her back, pressing it harder to restrain her. It added an extra tightness around her holes, but it didn’t hinder one bit as Vyn slipped off her buttplug.

With a pop, Yule almost whimpers at the sensation. She only got louder as he stroked his fingers at anything but directly at her sensitive, wet spots.

“Stop being a tease, Vyn!” She's been told to not raise her voice with someone, but this is a different case.

To something gentle, turned into a stinging touch. Vyn slapped her ass. “Is that how you address your doctor?”

“Ahh! I thought we’re good with—”

Seeing how he did it again, it’s obvious she didn’t answer correctly.

“S-sorry, sir…” she sighs, her hisses soften as he caresses the spot.

“Good… I’ll let you off for now.”

He’s enjoying this too much huh?

His obvious joy continues at how he’s stroking his erection by her ass crack. Vyn uses his dick on getting her moist cunt juices, desperately leaking since the start of their sexual antics, it easily acted as lube on what’s coming ahead.

“Now behave well, my pet.” 

As if her submissive position wasn’t enough, he grips her wrists as he slips his cock in her butt hole.

Finally— it left her eyes rolling over into bliss, tongue out like a dog how he’s doing her raw. In and out, this newfound sensation of anal sex throws it right off their to-do list. But that doesn’t mean they won’t be doing this again. The current location was just an extra cherry on top of the spicy experience and thrill.

The sounds of skin slapping resounding along her whimpering, it was as if it's a crescendo on how she’s feeling him getting bigger and bigger inside her ass.

She’s filled tight in a different way, even on how full she feels, his dick fills her hole differently.

Turns out her languishing isn’t out of vain. 

One thing Yule is still adjusting —besides his big-ass cock— on how a man can be so good, kind, and how they can keep one’s word. 

In a snap of how his fingers glide across her sensitive, erect bud, she yelps. 

“Hnghhh, Vyn, ple-please, take it slow.” She feels dizzy at the added double sensation on her clit.

As if also drowned out in pleasure, Vyn doesn’t bat an eye as he continues to stimulate his lady.

“Are you sure that’s what your body is telling us, my love? Be honest.” he says, almost a growl on how low his tone hit as deep as his fingers caved in her pussy. 

“Ahhh… fuck, uh-ahhh… too much… goood.” She only grows louder and wetter as she grabs hold onto the edge of the table. The slow caressing of his fingers by her heated sex seems to not align with her need to slow down.

Vyn licks his fingers, also letting out his drool drip down to her ass to add more lubrication to her already wet core. He reaches down as his fingers lap in her juices. Her folds just smoothly glide Vyn’s fingers, her aching core swollen for each curl of his fingers.

Vyn interchange from caressing her gently to twisting his digits into her. He reaches deeper, hitting her sweet spot as he also curls it at intervals.

"Haa... ha! More, please!"

His growing member is spreading apart her cheeks, filling in the gaps as he ravenously fucks her ass mercilessly.

The sound of her moaning made his golden eyes flicker for a moment. He meets eyes with her glimmering eyes as it’s already filled with pleasured tears on each corner.

It left no time for her lips to remain closed, agape as it hardly contained any of her moans. Each syllable emits vowels and consonants specifically spelling out Vyn’s name.

“More… ooohh, ah- ah! Shit-fuck me…” She can no longer filter her foul tongue on how much it's swaying along her movements as Vyn fucks her senseless. He kindly does more as he grabs her weft of hair, pulling it enough to sting in pleasure. It twists a tight rope further in her guts.

Yule could only be this nasty and vulnerable to Vyn's touch.

“You're so good, pet. Oohh, uh, yes… fhhh-haaa… You feel so good, Yule.” Vyn winces whilst groaning at her thriving tightness.

The oppositions of those two tones mixed in the scent of their sex, on how sweet and rough the effect they have on each other. It just blends in so perfectly.

He grabs hold of her chest, resisting himself from taking off her lingerie as it's not yet time. The clothed sensation brushing along the tips of his fingers added to his anticipation. Her scent drives him intoxicated by how pleasant and smooth she feels gliding along his skin. Much like sugar and honey, he wants to cave in further to this delicious sap.

At last, Vyn lets her face him, legs spread apart wide as he continues to make love with her. Still not letting her pussy be neglected as he fingers her, with much more attention now.

She writhes in place, in the middle of hovering her limbs as she curls both her toes and gripping at the edge of the table supporting her. Vyn's hold of her chest, flicking her nipples then tracing his fingers around it. The touches on her torso added to the ecstasy of being high, suspended on a tightrope.

Yule returns her glances at Vyn's golden eyes, bringing back any means of her consciousness to ground herself. But his sharp glances are such a double-edged sword on how gorgeous he is to make her libido levels at full overdrive, and at the same time, calm down her senses.

Even her body's response system is whacked.

Direct and consistent, he keeps his pace, and calculating by his size and pulsations, it appears that Vyn himself is already coming close to his edge. Yule anticipates herself of her white climax.

“Yes, yes, haa... ha, please… that's it, Dr. Richter…” she begs for more as his dick continues ramming in and out of her ass, leaning towards the man for a kiss to which such a sloppy one was exchanged between them.

The sweat dripping down on their bodies stained the table, leaving its surface with the shape of her body. All the while, the cold sweat formed by his sideburns exudes his excitement.

Feeling his hot breath close to her neck, it sprung goosebumps in her body. She feels every fiber of her being fabricating closer and closer accumulating to her core. Just as she's almost complete with her build-up, his soft gaze on hers dissipates as he pulls out suddenly.

“Hmm… Vyn?”

It left Yule feeling empty, as if her guts were pulled out. She blinks in disbelief as she only gets a touch by her waist from him, almost idle as he just keenly observes her.

“Please continue… I'm close to cumming…” she forthwith, leaning back and begging for his cock back inside her.

He remains callous at her pleas to cum, edging her to the verge of breaking down.

On how much he had plummeted her on the edge, her trembling body aches for that release. Only if he permits her.

How vile can one’s silence be? His look enough can be knee-weakening.

“Some things are still limiting us, I'm afraid this is no longer needed.” He starts unhooking her bra off her.

Along this, he strips off each article of his clothing. She in turn helps him unbutton, watching in awe at how his toned muscles mark through his polo shirt.

With slight impatience, Vyn crashed his lips on hers, pinning Yule down the surface of the table.

One by one her piece of clothing meets the floor, until she looks like a beautiful nude painting all for Vyn Richter to be mesmerized by.

“You’re so beautiful,” He breathes in her scent. "All mine."

She barely responds with her breath hitching, moaning as she almost streaks her nails down his back as he bangs her harder into reverie.

As a change of pace, her bare chest meets the cold pillar of his office. Later moved to a residing vacant area where they will be comfortable to fuck.

Yule is pushed against the wall with her arms both pressed above her. The restriction gave her more room for pleasure, her kinky self unleashed as Vyn manhandles her more.

The nastiness of it all pushes her further to shamelessness. But she no longer cares.

Yule just lets herself be, free of any guilt and just be in the present moment of bliss. Her shaking figure is anything but agitated. She's just filled with pleasure that her body cannot contain it to keep still.

She has full autonomy of her own body. Her skin and bones are who she dictates. Her beautiful mind... independent and unique. For as long as she's taking damn well care of herself, she's doing more than enough!

No longer she is torn down by her thoughts of shame and guilt, and Vyn is to thank here. He had transformed her into more confident than ever. Outside of the bedroom, he has done nothing but praise and kind treatment. He is genuinely just caring towards her. With his constant reassurance and appreciation of Yule. On how beautiful she is... who wouldn't turn vain this way?

She even asks for Vyn to spank her, with him initiating to slap her pretty face the next.

The lady is close to tears though this is anything but punishment to her. It's as if a way to gain control, with the consent of it all being done to her. At the very least, this act has her full consent, and she knows the reason behind it.

Yule doesn't want to blame this on her messed-up childhood; being spanked and beaten up as punishment. And God forbid Freud wins another argument on this one, but damn, why does pain soothe the wounds in my heart too well?

“You like this a lot, I can tell…”

The dominance in his tone hits caverns down her whole body. She no longer cares.

What matters is the present, and at this very moment, goddamn, this feels fucking good!

If not for Vyn's free hand grabbing hold of her neck, she would be locked up in heaven on how devilish his hips are moving to hers.

It hits deeper this way.

Holy fuck!

He reaches for her now erect nipples, pinching and twisting them in rhythm, adding to the sensation of delight. She could only be shameless to even have a nerve to smile in the middle of this indecent act.

Vyn cups her chest for further escaping from swaying too much as he thrusts into her.

“Damn, ­oh-you’re really, ha—not letting me w-walk after this, fhhnngh…” Yule barely sounds coherent. She is only able to be fluent in moaning at this point.

She tries all her might to stay standing but she’s losing quite quickly on the power Vyn has with his torso.

“That was my plan all along.” Vyn grins, seeing how far he's taking her to cloud nine, the dick fucking her scorching core swallows her entire being in paradise.

As if the stimulation to her chest, clit and pussy wasn’t enough, the kisses down her back strikes Cupid's arrow to her knees, permeating her senses enough to gravitate her close to orgasm.

But not yet that she's reached Valhalla.

Seeping into the position she got herself into, she had her boobs dangling forwards and backward as he rams harder, faster in her tight pussy. All this whilst Vyn stimulating clit, feeling his long fingers rubbing on her sensitive core. 

The dirty noises cloud her system, she wasn't even processing properly how she's moved yet again.

Now Vyn pressed Yule against the glass wall, she blushed passion fruit red on how bare-naked she felt meeting the surface of the glass.

“Yes… ha, ah! More, ohh!” She lets out an erotic whimper as Vyn moves her for her sensitive erect knobs to glide across the cold surface. She hits deeper into the glass, her hands barely supporting herself as she grows sweaty and tired.

“What a li’l slut you are,” Vyn bellows, Yule involuntary gasps on how quick Vyn caught on to her dirty trail of thoughts. 

He felt her vagina walls twitch in line with her kinky thoughts, so it was foolproof for him not to even notice.

“Only for you.” She flushed a deeper crimson shade (if that was even possible), there's no use denying it. Yule could only gulp down her remaining face.

Vyn only chuckles at her meekness.

“There could be no other that will ever see you in this state. You’re mine.”

As if ingraining a reminder, it wasn’t enough as Vyn is even shaping her insides with his dick. If that doesn’t mark on her mind to commemorate this moment… Maybe this is also needed.

Yule felt a stinging bite by her neck. She winced as he sucked hard like a vampire feasting, Vyn marked her bare skin in red and purple.

“Vyn… I’m all yours.”

He easily repositions her, supporting her legs to get hold of her eagle spread. He is carrying her to a more stable wall, not leaving gaps of dismay as he slips his dick into her with no further delay.

Her smaller stature bounces at his rigorous energy, the sound of skin hitting the glassed surface tensed her cunt tighter.

At every hit of the glass, it draws them closer and closer to their highs. She grabs hold of Vyn’s wide shoulders, reaching near to his neck as she moans out his name fervently.

Vyn is panting, not out of tiredness but out of excessive pleasure as he’s hitting close his climax. Yule also tightens around him, and it’s not long until he pulls out.

White ribbons spread on her chest as he cums.

He pushed back inside momentarily to pleasure her tight hot walls. It was squeezing tighter around him; the torrid sensation quickly made her reach her peak. The feeling reverberates as he rides along his orgasm in her cunt.

“I’m close, Vyn!” She grips his shoulders, almost scratching him as she further grazes her fingers moving down his back. She shudders at the progressing movements, adding another spike to her orgasmic chain.

After catching their breath, Vyn carries her by the table, putting his white coat over her tired body. It can be easily discarded after in the wash.

Yule is still a bit feeble as she leans her head on Vyn's chest. “Thank you for entertaining my fantasies. Even making them come to life today.”

She missed landing a kiss on his chin, leaving a soft kiss by his neck.

“Heh, can you come closer?” she sheepishly requested, Vyn leaned closer it also gave him a chance to observe her.

She barely used the wipes Vyn provided her.

He just shakes his head, chuckling as he does the favor to wipe her. Partly, he was at fault for putting her through exhaustion. The silver-haired man brushes her stray hair back, he then caresses her head.

“What am I here for if not providing for you?” He smiles, the tension and lewdness of earlier is slowly dispelling as he turns gentle. Well, he always is a gentleman in how he fulfills her needs and wants.

“I really appreciate it, everything that you do and everything about you really.” Yule places a kiss on his; square into his lips this time.

“Does it hurt, anywhere, love?” He checks up on her, even when she shakes her head ‘no’. As if to make up for it, he gently caresses her body. Lovingly, he stares at her as he kisses her all over; on the edges and every crevice that he had acted rough on her.

And all the more it filled her heart with warmth.

Their twists and turns revolve greater into intrigue, and they are willing to explore more of each other head-on.

※ my masterlist | #enjeiwrites ※

[yutasbimil]

Outlier

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (5/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: hurt/comfort, smut cw: nsfw minors dni, p0rn w/ plot, first time, kissing, drunk/intoxicated, angst to soft comfort *cue ugly sobbing*, oral (female receiving), teasing, fingering, overstimulation, dom/sub; top/bottom dynamic, dirty talking (kinda silly tho), kinky; hair pulling/slapping, dumbification, multiple orgasms, passionate af; dammit vyn, rough sex, unprotected sex, aftercare, FLUFF ! ! ! D; + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 4.8k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2023)

cont.

Vyn carries her back into the hotel room. The tension was as heavy as the wooden door shutting close behind them.

She had her face red, tears leaking due to the hotness she was feeling. It managed to be cooled off a bit by the white soft sheets of the hotel bed. Yule reeks of alcohol, much reddened by embarrassment. Never in her life had she got this drunk.

Though she’s  a bit  tipsy– a little more than calculated– as good as she is at math, her attempts once again misfired; miscalculated.

Yule goes on what we may call  pouncing  at him once they get into their room, getting hold of him being clingy as she is, opposite to the restrained Yule that feels allergic to even leaving a touch on his finger. 

Of course, Vyn respects her by remaining at arm's length by holding her shoulders to balance her weight. Even if it was intentional or if she wanted to get intimate with him, he digressed. She's drunk, that's of the utmost importance to keep in mind.

The tiredness seeping into them really weighed them like the feeling you have after a party. And here lies the unresolved tension within the hotel room.

She feels her head-turning, much like a black hole sucking in every fiber of her system.

"Fuck, never doing this again." It's more on a declaration although more assured of never getting wasted up to this point. At most, she wouldn't want to be near anything alcoholic for a long long while. "I'm so sorry, Vyn." 

"You keep apologizing…" His voice is soft, indistinguishable for Yule especially with his utmost concern seeing her like this.

She has her arm atop her forehead but it's anything but helpful as it's still heavy as fuck. Compared to the weight Vyn has on his chest as she has him close, he's really the type of person with the body temp to be on the colder side. 

The cold silence between them pales in comparison to the actuality of their heated thoughts.

"It's not just… me being… so drunk." Yule felt her hot desire to quench her thirst. Her throat felt so desert dry. "I'm…"

Yule rethinks every decision she made, even the very reason why she even pursued Vyn in the first place. She's too much of a burden to be with the likes of him. She's a wreck.

Vyn felt the heaviness of her core with her deep sigh, and the tinge of regret in the quiver of her gaze, which honestly, pulled a heartstring at the moment she looked at him with such pity in her eyes.

How unfortunate of you to be with me.

"Why does it look like you're going to push me away anytime soon?" Vyn states,  but aren’t they already here? Is there even a chance to walk away now? 

Vyn further inspects her blank stares of hesitance. There's a heaviness at the pit of his stomach.

But I also don’t want to leave her alone.

"Am I not doing it already?" She says in a monotone. The grip of her hands by his arm says otherwise as if begging for her dear life to not let go.

Honesty does spill more through actions…

Vyn chortles at that, nodding slightly and looking away. He just lets her hold on to his hand despite the denial she’s been putting up all this time. The man doesn’t let her fully lie down though.

“Okay, you'll be pushing me away then… At least when I let go, sober up first so it wouldn’t hurt as much in the morning, hmmm?” Vyn supports the back of her head, lifting her body so she can sit right up.

She’s just quiet, praying that he still firmly believes this painted demeanor of her drunken state is certainly caused by the alcohol.  Yeah, it's definitely still the alcohol.

Though, her impetus for her blushing is for a different reason.

Yule felt everything moving slower around them. Listening to his words, dragged her more mesmerized, taken by the flow of the softness of his low voice. It is amplified within the closed space they’re encapsulated in.

Yule is unconsciously driven to his lead, listening to what he’s telling her to do.

"Drink water, it is to lessen the headache upcoming." His intent as he takes hold of her carefully, shows his real desire through his movements.

Absent-mindedly, she blurts out her question as she keeps following her eyes at him.

“Why do you like me?”

Vyn can't answer properly, she's a plethora of admirable things, but despite that, his interest and feelings towards her are abstract; unexplainable by concrete words alone… 

"You're fascinating… as a person, you're many things if I can put it into words." He didn't let the dryness of the pre-consumed alcohol hold back his thoughts. "I’m still going along with it, Yule and I’d be willing to restate it once again you’ve sobered up." 

His voice is soft, full of assurance, yet even at this moment, she remains blinded and deafened by her insecurities. She quickly vents her rebuttal, as if putting up a concrete wall between them.

“I’m horrible and too much, I'm always overwhelming to be around, and just…  too much . Would you stay despite all that?” She's shaking, vulnerable as her tone shows how she’s all over the place.

I'm anything but that—  she felt hostile towards what she heard. He knows she needs to be calmed down.

“Yule, what are you saying?  Hmmm?”  He attempts to touch her cheek, but Vyn gets cut off by the swift hand warding him off.

"Earlier, I…" The conclusion in her tone came forth along her tears, it burned his cheeks seeing her like this. In her mind, it hurt her how earlier it came off as a rejection, with Vyn avoiding any means of contact with her. “I actually thought you don’t want to continue…  this … as I thought you don’t want me…” 

Yule is gesturing to her and him; them.

Vyn holds back his hand that's supposed to reach out to her. “I was only hesitant to do it with you as you’re intoxicated, in thoughts of taking advantage of you. I held back… I didn't mean to have ill intention towards my restraint, dear.”

He thoroughly explains to her, but she remains quiet as her current belief is swiftly toppled over his rationale. She lowers her head, unable to construct any argument back.

“Of course, I want to be with you, Yule. I’m still here, am I not? I won't go anywhere…” Especially when she's like this, she can't be left alone. He's talking some sense and logic in her as she starts clinging tightly to his polo shirt. It is getting more and more tear-stained, but it also pools warmth in both their chests.

This hug is proof that he still likes her despite everything.

-

Vyn helps her sober up and calm down, having a crying fit also made Yule feel guilty as she may put him through all this crap.

She apologizes again as they always seem to end up in mishaps.

"I'd be willing to work through it with you, but of course, I'm also human. I only have to do much and of course, I also have my limits and shortcomings." Vyn acknowledges her worries. She knows full well how hard relationships can be.   They're willing. 

And she's difficult to handle, she’s well aware that she has inadequacies. But she does like him, like a whole lot. And she wants to actively work on herself and work through this relationship with him.

She feels sorry for being so closed off.

But he feels an ache in him, he’s also not being fully honest with himself. And not being open with her with his own baggage as well.

"I want to make up with you as soon as possible." Yule starts, getting back to his effort by closing off a different type of distance between them. She leaves a few centimeters gap, letting their breaths linger close. "Will it be fine this way?"

Finally closing the gap, they also didn't leave any space between their fingers as they gripped into both their holds. 

It felt electric to the lips, Yule's eyes had to quiver at the sensation. Vyn pulls away for a moment, moving by her forehead. Vyn starts chaste by her eyes, kissing her tears away as she’s growing emotional again. They kissed again as it felt eons that they hadn’t touched, till they got lost in calculation.

She grabs hold of his collar for support, letting go again for a moment of breath.

Every touch of the man was unfaltering as he planted more touches into her skin. Vyn reaches out for her face to meet their lips for the fifth? Seventh?— Yule already lost count at this point, but her greed is only starting to grow.

A confession slipped off her lips, both looking more obviously swollen already.

"I was really anticipating this, and I've been thinking of when would be the next time we'll actually do   it  ." The pressed syllable on the end implied as clear as daylight to the man. 

His look reciprocated how it didn't leave his mind as well, though it appeared teasing.

"What a naughty girl you are."

"I am very much so…" Yule giggles, but it's anything but bashful. "How can I not be when I have such a handsome man alone in a hotel room? Better yet make use of the opportunity."

Her forwardness really pushed Vyn to the edge, just in time as he's got his gauge of patience filled, it’s growing dire.

"Let's use and make haste for the night." He chuckles, placing a kiss on her warm cheek. Fervently placing a moist kiss by her collarbone the next. "Very soon," he appealed as he lowered the straps of her dress further down. 

As turbulent and quick-paced the past weeks with her had been, he was hooked  badly . Down bad as he’s inexplicably attracted to her aura.

He’s intrigued at the very next pages they would go through. Like reading a book, the uncanniness of how he would spread her open now are like pages cascading down to his expected outcome. 

Although, the onset of the scenarios up to this point of deep entrancement, it is full of unpredictability. It is also as abundant as the card pool probability. It draws him more to his curiosity. Turns out the next outcome just led Vyn into pulling their fates closer and closer to each other.

Yule’s gaze is fully engaged on his pretty, veiny fingers by his silk necktie, straight down her line of sight on the way his hand removes it. Some part of her aches for it to remain tied around his neck, alas, she could only grab hold of him with her own weakening hands. His golden eyes were sharp and entrancing at his sultry movements, anticipation pooled all over her system.

She gradually became enervated as Vyn kissed her by the ear, breathing down her neck the next. He starts seductively licking her bare shoulder, she shudders at his voice. “I’m going to make you   not   forget about me after tonight, m’lady.”

 "Ahh-hmmm…   I’m afraid that’s an impossible task with you, love.   "  Yule didn’t have a chance to catch her breath as she was cut short, Vyn was quick to grab hold of her chest with his free hand. While the other pulls down her dress to let her breasts free, she sucks in a breath the same way as the man sucks at her erect nipples. 

They got sensitive to the cold however their bodies are anything but frigid. Vyn strips off her clothes, one by one meeting the carpeted floor.

“Ahhh… that’s so good, please.   Ah-  ” Yule mewls, restraining herself from grabbing hold of his scalp. Their senses are also heightened, due to having to just recover from alcohol earlier. But she's more attentive now as she is enticed by his mellow motions. Vyn didn’t leave any room for disappointment as he attended to both breasts, leaving no gaps for Yule in her moans of pleasure.

It left her core pooled in anticipation all the more as she waited for this for who knows how long. Her impatience is growing more explicit with her ardent whimpers. “Vyn,   fuck–   you’re making this harder for me,   I want you.” 

“Patience, my dear. Good things take their sweet time…” Vyn divulged, pausing to even tease a painfully slow lick by both her nipples, then by the bare skin of her breasts. He gives it a suck as he uses the other hand to twist and hover over her erect knobs. He keeps his golden eyes direct with hers this whole time. “And I want to pleasure you to my utmost care, pleasured to the edge… sloppily wet and ready… before the most anticipated segment.”

“Vyn… how cruel. This hurts more…” Yule gulps a breath, moaning as he now touches the very much heated, moist core in between her legs. Every touch of his felt mouth-watering, as if his presence was a bell ringing, alarming her salivary glands. She knows Vyn means well to treat her right, but  goddamn  she didn’t expect this to feel more of a torture to crave for his dick.

“It’s… Vilhelm. Call me Vilhelm." He paused, feeling Yule tense up as he pulled away momentarily. "It ought to be rude not to address your lover properly, hmmm?”

“Is that why you chose Vyn to be short?” She can’t pinpoint where she got turned on, is it the sudden admission of his name, indicating his intimacy or him indicating that they’re true lovers.

He nods as if a weight got off him with those syllables, they ought to venture more about that later to be sat down. But first things first.

She feels him loosen up as they take the next steps. She takes this as a sign to also loosen the wrapped belt around his waist.

Yule also removes his polo shirt to not be the only one exposed to the other.

She almost gasps at the scene seeing his toned chest, but his eyes are more stripped naked in his state, vulnerable with his glassy eyes staring back at her.

“I want to make you feel good too.”

Yule pulls him close, wrapping her hands around his neck to place kisses by his cheeks, a lingering peck to the ear, up the forehead, and letting her lips run wild all over his skin. Anywhere that is possible and bare to her sight.

“Later, Yule. You first,” he insists as if heeding him down to lay on her back. 

In his dominant stare, she had no choice but to be vulnerable. She’s now got her legs spread wide open, ready like eagle wings to soar– and in this case, to be eaten by him as he takes her up the skies. 

“Does this feel good?” Vyn says in between him licking the exterior of her nerves and then inserting a finger into her wet core. He still wants a clear ‘yes’ despite the restrained mewls she elicits. “No need to hold back, love.”

“Yes,  yes… ah—   ” She’s just keeping control to keep sane from the overstimulation. But he never misses a beat in his rhythm. “   Fuck–   this is making me crazy, ah, ooh… please.” 

Followed again by strings of vowels as he moved more pleasantly crudely with his tongue and fingers. As much as he’s whispering sweet nothings to her, he’s fucking foul with what his mouth and body could do to her.

She bucked her hips, almost curving to the sensation as he also touched the other part of her nether regions. “Wait,   uhhh,   shit, love– what are you doing?”

“Is this not to your taste?” he asks, now just hovering a bit by her butthole. Honestly, she’s taken aback and reinstates her thoughts. “I’m quite indifferent here… uhmmm, I never thought of going there, Vyn.”

“I could take it slow and I’ll go along with the feeling if you’re still alright?” 

She nods, and he maneuvers into it slowly, observing her in her response. It takes her a while to get the feel of it, but it’s getting too much at the same time, She almost yelps as he moves back and forth to a sensitive portion.

She never experienced touching both holes.

Her pleasure and voice is pivoting further out the room, she’s too damn close.

It's far beyond compared to when she masturbates, let alone when she touches herself. She can't believe she'd be feeling this good and tended by a man.

As much as he's enough to give her needs, she’s pushed to the edge of insanity due to the pleasure. But it leaves her more unsatiated and hungry for Vyn.

She felt her throat dry, and her thirst and salivating senses left her exhausted. Yule wants his lips on hers, tongue gauging and fighting with hers. She wants to be nasty with him. But he's too busy swimming into her pool of pleasure, fingers simultaneously macerated already.

Vyn's mouth is moist due to her wetness.

Yet, Yule is left in too much overload with pleasure due to his fingers and tongue on work, She ought to be filled quicker to her limit.

The squelching sounds of his thirst felt scorching in comparison to her hot core, she's bulking her hips at every resistance she's fighting to come over her peak.

“Vilhelm, too much… let me,   please , rest…   hmphh ,   ah-   love.” Yule is too loud at this point, she's glad the walls are thick and private in their own cavern. She caves in feeling something white, awaiting to erupt all over her pit of stomach, down her legs shaking at the sensation. Then another sensation bulldozed into her as Vyn kept going in ramming and twisting curling his finger in her G-spot.

She feels something big coming.

 Is that even possible?!   Even surprised ‘O’ shaped her mouth due to moaning out loud. "Vyn…   hnghhh—   fuck!”

It was too late to let Vyn know as she already climaxed. He lets her senses reverberate in his presence, still letting her ride into her orgasm by lapping his tongue into her whilst pumping his fingers in her.

Yule wasn't able to control herself on how good Vyn was doing. She didn't know she had to  beg  him to stop making her feel so good.

Both of them are left in heaving breaths, although Yule's is more labored compared to his.

“Exhausted already? We're just getting started.” Vyn has a mischievous tone in him, making Yule exert extra energy to roll her eyes at him. This seems a different side of him. She had to smirk. “Sorry, I can’t keep up with you, Doctor.”

The shift in the nickname had him chuckle. “So you’re willing to tend to you then, Miss Saints?”

They had to take a quick laugh at the sudden ‘roleplay’ vibe they accidentally established. 

She spreads her arms for a fleeting hug. “Give me some oxytocin then, Dr. Richter.”

Vyn took this as a chance to hover over her, locking her in between his arms to guide her into another position, His eyes are now filled with more energy, she pales in comparison to her ragged breaths.

She gulps for fear or anticipation, she can’t seem to decide.

Guess she’s putting her hips to work again, her wetness also keeps on flowing at cue. Yule had to blush at her shamelessness.

“Looks like you’re already set, Yule?” Vyn takes a swift swap at her swollen wet core. She shivers and elicits a soft mewl at that.

“Same goes to you, Vilhelm,” she breathes out an amused laugh, pointing to his erect bulge, touching through the fabric. She removes his brief so it’s out of the way.

Vyn lays her back down, and they’re back to their position with him hovering over her, in close proximity. Seeing what was about to unfold soon, she had to gulp.

“W-wait,” Yule blocks her wet core, seeing her suddenly erratic, Vyn holds her hand. 

“Are you scared? We can stop her–”

“I mean  yes , but I don’t want to stop…” Her anxiety shows through her cold sweat, but she breathes out. “I’m just afraid as it’s my first time.”

“I’ll make the best out of your experience, but you can tell me to stop anytime, okay?”

It is valid, and Vyn looks directly at her, full of softness and patience. Yule feels her senses relax again, his body and presence feeling more light and present.

“As scary as it is, this is a risk I’m willing to make. We’re already here, aren’t we?” She doesn’t want to waste anything any further. The same shows how she is at ease with her muscles relaxed.

Vyn nods, placing a quick kiss by the side of her face till he distances himself for a moment. He angles his erection into her, the hotness of his dick was too much just by the surface. The insertion was as impactful as his fixated eyes into hers.

Then the relief as he puts it in is  phenomenal .

“Vyn, please, slowly. But, ahhh… so good already.” She grabs onto his toned arms, he breathes in as he flips his bangs off his face momentarily then smiles over her. “Is this how you imagined it to go?”

“It’s   beyond   what I expected.”

He had to spread a smile on that. “We’re just starting… So let's go over that expectation of yours, alright?”

He starts slow as Yule feels every centimeter of his begins indulging in her. “  Ahhh,   yes, yes. More… please.” 

Vyn easily puts it in but she’s in it for another adjustment, adjusting to his length and width, she’s spread open and vulnerable in many ways.

This is really far different from anything she had experienced in bed, let alone her first time as she’s lacking all possible experience per se.

"Kiss... me, please." moans of plea gush out of her as Vyn leans in to share his warmth and moist lips with hers. It is tender although opposite to the roughness they're about to delve into.

She didn’t even know that she had such erogenous zones that were  that sensitive  by the ear. Yule had to flinch at a mere licking done in her ear, yelping as he bit onto it– she was in it for another overstimulation as he even played with her breasts and nipples. He really keeps himself busy, hands all over her.

She doesn’t want him to pull off.

Vyn maintains the slow and passionate movements, and she could feel every twitch and bulge he does the lovemaking with his hips to his dick in and out of her.

He goes on ahead in holding her by the arms, then shoulders to angle her better. 

“Is this better?” He pounds into her a bit rougher than usual, and she had to bulk her hips at that.

“Rougher, i-is that fine?” 

To be honest, she wanted to be manhandled, but Vyn had something else in mind on their first ever night together.

“I’ll try…” Vyn listens, his lips and touch still full of passion with every kiss.

She doesn’t comprehend how in the world he keeps it gentle yet vehement. Even as he pulls by her arms to ram into her, pounding her further into reverie.

It pushes her more into pleasure as they switch into another position, her down on all fours, all for him to adore. And it gave him more chance to hold both her arms as he pummeled more into her.

To add a cherry on top for her pleasure, she requests him to pull her hair. The sudden demand had him raise a brow, more on in astonishment. “You seem to like that?”

“Very…”

“You’re very kinky, love.” 

“Yes, sorry…”

“I like you in every way, don’t apologize for that,” Vyn assures her, patting her head gently and then shifting to pull her hair by the scalp a bit roughly. Yule felt her walls wrap around his dick tighter at that. It tightens again at every pull of her hair with his manly hands . 

 This is more like it.   Yule had to shamelessly beam at the roughness, in contrast to the roughness, she feels loved at his treatment and him asking consent in every action. This remains in her fantasies for too long, but she didn’t expect to like it in actuality. She’s much more pleased with this outcome.

The sudden slap by her ass took her aback as well, but with the burning sensation left in her skin, it felt more pleasant than it hurts. She had to gulp on that as she felt her walls tighten around him.

It seems more obvious as Vyn lets out a low groan as he does it once again. Yule lets out an aroused squeal as she goes on to look at him, lips bitten to show her amusement. "Vil... Vilhelm,  Vilhelm , that's so good,  uhh- I like that. Yeah,  oohh... " she giggled, licking her lips as she was stuck in a daze of bliss. She was growing more amused as she kept calling out his name, moaning as sounds of sex echoed around the room. It's growing more evident how it has an effect on the man as he leans in to pepper her bare skin with kisses, leaving marks of his touches on her skin.

Vyn leans in to kiss the nape of her neck, grunting once again before speaking by her ear.

“You’re not the type to want to call your lover, ‘daddy’, hmmm?” Vyn adds the hair pulling didn’t help as it immediately puts Yule off her mood momentarily.

Yule rebuts, quickly turning her head at him to glare at him. “Hell no, I don’t want to summon Freud out of his grave.”

Vyn laughs at that. “He’s got enough resurrectors already, let’s not add to that.”

He brings back the mood, her getting immersed in the intensity of his stares as he brings her back in lying down. Everything seems perfect and comfortable all through the night as they share both of their warmth. Body to body, but the intimacy in their stares. All through the night, keeping the rhythm interesting from erratic pounding, to consistent slow. Reaching the peak together seems so undemanding with how they go hand and hand and how well-balanced they are to each other. 

So this is what it feels like to be loved? 

To be handled with such care… It feels so good.

Looking at him across the bed, Vyn seems to notice her need for body heat and he’s quick to pull her close. Even with them reaching almost morning love-making, it doesn’t seem bland to go on. 

Though, they had to rest… And what better way to end the night to be able to be intimate with him?

“You’re lucky… This is unpaid, unsolicited therapy you’re getting out of me.” Vyn jokes, Yule had to pinch him by the arm and then muzzle over her chest.

“This leans more on unethical than it is free,   Will…   you know, doing   this   type of thing with a therapist.” The new nickname for him seems a bit odd, but they’ll get used to it. 

Vyn shushes her, jokingly putting a finger on her lips. “No need to go on the explicit details, it is confidential and I assure you it’s all safe with me.”

“Okay, okay, but do expect me to have ‘another therapy’ with you, Will…” She says riding along the joke. The nickname rolls off her tongue more naturally now. Vyn pulls her deeper into the hug.

“You know I can offer another type of therapy.”

 “Hmmm?” 

“Physical therapy,” Vyn responds.

The gap in the silence and stare made them laugh, Yule had to brush her face against him to hide her blush. Her chest felt elated with his presence.

“You humor me,” she says, not able to contain a giggle.

This is far different from how things will go, and Vyn actually shares the same thoughts. Though he's willing to handle this as unexpected things have turned out.

As shitty as the night had been for a few hours, he made it better.  I might as well open up to him soon about my situation and give him a clear picture. He needs to know as well.

He’s the outlier she’s willing to accept, but unexpected things really can bring the biggest change in your life. And he seems to be a good chance for her to turn out for the better.

Looking up at the ceiling, the night isn’t as uneventful as the plain white canvas on the ceiling. Their conversation is animated by their voices as they spend the night away talking.

No longer putting her heart up her sleeve, his golden eyes are as welcoming as he stares at her. She sees a bright future with him as glowing as his eyes can be. Who knew there was a smile as that radiating directed at her?

※ my masterlist | #enjeiwrites ※

[yutasbimil]

Oxymoron

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (8/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: hurt/comfort ♡︎ cw: heavy on (self) angst; suicidal ideation; graphic and morbid descriptions on said thoughts, negative self-talk, skewed self-perception, mentions of attempts, self-harm. triggering topic on neglect and invalidation of family/relatives. it all eventually wraps up nicely with comfort! ;w; If I were to encapsulate Yule x Vyn's relationship in a song, I think this fits them nicely :') ▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။||||။ | ‘you were good to me’ by jeremy zucker, chelsea cutler + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 3.6k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7

do not repost © yutasbimil (2024)

cont.

Her waking life seems to be a walking oxymoron. Yule keeps contradicting herself of her beliefs, relearning everything from the truth that was built by someone else for her.

Maybe as to why she is at constant war with herself.

Now she’s crippled in taking her own steps after being locked up for so long in other people’s chains.

But she keeps caving in.

At most it stayed stagnant as ‘suicidal ideation’ to her, ever so lingering like a cycle.

Not till recently, a door peeked off an attempt and showed up a possibility at the doorstep for Yule. 

And it scared the crap out of her.

Never she had seen a suicidal attempt an option.

As killing herself brought so much distress and inconvenience to her, the idea of her bones, guts, and body splattering all over after jumping skyscrapers, or by the cliff where she rots just doesn't bring justice to her body.

Even physically harming herself like cutting slits in her skin just brings inconvenience to her. The blood spilling, the healing process, the scarring…  it's too much of an inconvenience so she just relies on other means of self-harm.

To starvation, dehydration, oversleeping, punishing herself by lying on a pool of her own sweat and limiting herself to any means of ventilation, and just sleeping for hours on end just to avoid everything.

Major Depressive Disorder with tendencies to self-harm huh?

Not at all real!

I’m miserable! I was born on a Wednesday, I am woe!

Although I have aggression and display such hostility, it is only to myself. Yet it isn't enough of an acknowledgment that I want myself gone?

How much begging on my knees is needed to be done?

The noose just brings a cone of shame type of feeling onto her as she doesn't like her body to be seen in the aftermath.

Even after dying, you're still shamed.

And she doesn't want that.

On the contrary, she's embarrassed at most having to think this morbidly that it brings Yule to shame if she ever dies sad and as a psychology advocate in the field.

A mental health advocate dying of suicide? Oh Lord, the shame.

As if we're immune to the mental distress and agony, but alas, it's hard for people to understand that people are most likely prone to such anguish of humanity.

It's difficult for Yule to grasp that she's back in this state.

But the last time she had bed rotted? Much so that she stayed almost two weeks at worst in her bed with little to no eating, drinking, and bathing herself— It just made her parents fucking mad for acting such a way.

An insolent fool, why are you acting so pathetic?

No such words came out of their mouth but the looks on their faces didn't show any sign of concern. If anything, it's just having such a disgrace of a human coming out of their womb.

And when they demanded her to open up, which she did multiple times FYI— All they did was dismiss and invalidate her.

Yule is tired, beyond expended but she has no other choice but to just continue on to carry her flesh and bones walking this earth.

New profound demons emerged along the voices in her head to “Do it.” Do an attempt to just get it over with to prove your point, Yule.

Show them how serious you are…

The whispers have been stronger and viler ever since. But she doesn't want to cave in.

At the back of her mind, it's not at all worth it to prove a point. Pointless. How serious and severe her mental ache is… it brings more gape and hollow to her already void heart the idea of dying in actuality.

“I don't like the idea of dying, I just want to disappear out of thin air.”

And it just goes on as a cycle.

You achieved all that and yet you're depressed?

Exactly. No matter how many heights I reach… All I ever wanted was a hand to reach out to me when I was in desperate need of help.

But it's just going to be dismissed.

I want to jump off and disappear.

She had dissociated since yesterday, even the packing and unpacking of her things were more organized than her array of thoughts.

Yule could only breathe in as she heard a knock outside the bathroom door.

“You need help with anything, dear?” Vyn checks up on her, she’s taking longer than usual as he noticed.

Yule blinked, blankly looking at the unkept reflection mocking her as it showed a tear-stained face she didn’t even notice had emerged.

“N-no, just… will be done after this!” she cleared her dry throat, mouth grubby as her croak echoed in the bathroom walls. 

Vyn simply responded ‘alright’, and let her be with her business.

The bathroom door creaked open as Yule dragged the door a bit too timidly, trying to not make a sound but opposite it did. 

By the looks of it, Vyn had been waiting for her as he sat by the sofa with a tablet at hand, looking casual as he read through the screen. Vyn briefly scans her as well, retaining his glance at her for a moment to acknowledge her presence in the living room. But he kept quiet, respecting the space she needed.

Yet here she is, being unreasonable towards him…

Even as Yule gets the vacant seat across him, she quickly gets swallowed up with guilt. She scrunches up her long skirt, lowering her head. Yule can’t even look at Vyn. “Can I sit beside you?”

Vyn looks up to meet her shaky eyes, he nods and pats the space beside him.

Yule can’t help but tear down her walls.

Tackling Vyn’s figure a bit, Yule is enveloped in the silver-haired male’s arms as she bursts into tears. Vyn encapsulated the petite lady into their safety net, hovering his hand slightly over her head.

Yule hugs him tighter, barely coherent. “V-vyn… I-I…” she tried to muster words, but she could only manage to bury herself in his chest.

Vyn just stayed quiet, holding her and shushing her to calm down. Yule only clutched to his shirt as she sipped in another breath.

“Sorry about what I said earlier, and how I acted as a jerk. I warned you beforehand but that was still out of line. I’m sorry…” Another intake of breath. “I don't know what came over me, but I know it is still wrong and I want to make up for it.”

Even in the previous instances, the sudden outbursts are quite telling. It masks her shame of the obvious relapse. Even as how she interprets it... it's her catching up on a lot of suppressed emotions that she exploded to tears.

Even simmering down her tears once it starts is difficult. It just resulted in her crying for hours as she felt helpless.

She feels empty yet again.

Yet, it spiked fear in her system.

Her eyes maintained such shakiness due to panic, about how? How could I ever make up to Vyn after that instance?

“I just feel helpless and it was not the right method to ask for help when you're being warm towards me. Always, just being kind when I least deserve it.”

Vyn had to rebut her on that.

“No one deserves to be punished for trying, and I can see that with you, love.” Vyn caresses and brushes her hair, feeling the hotness of her tears and breath near him. He hopes to lighten up the heaviness she feels in her strained breathing. “You deserve kindness the most on how people can be quite ignorant of their actions, and not the reaction of people towards their behavior.”

So I am making sense and just reacting towards their actions?

But… it’s still not pretty and kind. Vyn seeing me like this…Her abandonment issues heightened her anxiety.

“I-I don't know I just, feel unworthy and I want you to leave me as it's easier than to deal with this whole mess.” Her breath hitched at the thought, and she quickly took it back. “But—! I don't want you to prove it either that I am that easy to leave and unlovable—”

“You really just listen to what you want, hmm?” Vyn clasps his hands on both her cheeks to make her look at him. He sees his reflection through her dewy eyes. “Didn't I say I won't leave despite your attempts to throw me off? I am not that easy to be unfazed.”

His doting eyes bring her more tears, especially his words. “You’re so worthy, more than worthy. You deserved to be loved.”

He kisses atop her head, to her forehead, looking at her deeply once again making her meet his golden eyes. “I'll never get sick of understanding you and standing by your side. Never that I'll get weary, I get tired as I'm human, yes, but then I'll rest… Nothing a little slumber, even in the comfort of another, beside each other. Hmmm? Isn’t this proof enough that I remain holding you like this that you are worthy, Yule?”

“Vyn…”

“I love you more than enough to stay.”

“I feel ugly and disgusting. I haven't properly cleaned myself— there are others better, prettier, and saner than me. Not broken...” she voiced out but her endeavors were blocked by the stroking thumb by the side of her lips. Vyn’s eyes remained unwavering, contrarily, it’s in the midst of softened to deepening eyes striking back at her.

“And do I care? I don't care about other people as they're not you, Yule." Vyn pressed. "And you are not broken, don't call yourself such statements.”

Alas, her attempts to run away didn’t work as usual. 

“Again, I’m sorry." she breathes in. "I’m ready now to talk…”

Finally sorted out her thoughts, Yule vented out as to why she doesn’t like visiting home, on what had happened. But that’s the usual conversation laid on the table in their household. Nothing new.

She only went back to get some of the important documents she had forgotten in their home. 

“That was what occupied your thoughts since yesterday, hmmm? Explaining your dissociation since this trip began, love.”

Yule nods, and Vyn begins to piece together how much it makes sense. Her antsy behavior when it comes to time, she got so used to strict and unreasonable curfews. It was as if her body was still in panic mode, and it showed through her jitters. It really stuck even though she’s now free and already is an adult.

Being caged for so long has long-lasting effects like this.

Yule got caught up in her flow of venting, she felt her breath hot and tired. She craved water. 

“Sorry, we’re supposed to have fun and forget our usual daily lives for a moment.” Yule laughs dryly, guilt catching up her skin, but Vyn’s hand caught her consciousness first, cutting off any means of shame to develop.

“You’re supposed to let off some steam, that’s the purpose of this trip after all…”

He reaches out to her cold hands, yet his are still colder than hers. Even so, the softened gaze in his eyes radiates warmth. Like sunlight gently peeking out the curtain windows ever so slightly at mid-late morning.

She heaves in a breath to ground herself.

“Is that why you asked me on my day off to go somewhere all of a sudden?”

“Not sudden but… I had been planning since to make sure everything would go smoothly. Such a surprise needs intricate planning.”

The hints of perfectionism are reflected in his reasoning then again. But he admits a slight slip-up to his plan, a hiccup if I may.

Vyn noticed Yule was extra cautious and might have triggered her anxiety due to him ignoring her or being suspicious these past few days, adding to her abandonment issues resurfacing.

He’s guilty of this.

“I apologize it's not the best execution as it made you overthink and almost caused rapture in your trust in me. Most especially that it was an inappropriate timing due to your recent unpleasantries. But I hope you understood my intentions…” 

“You didn’t know fully what happened to me…” she shakes her head, sighing out of relief. “This made up for it, don't worry. I know your intentions very well, love.”

“Yes, but I still should've done better, I apologize, m’lady.”

Seeing her finally softening up, to her stable breathing and relaxed eyes. He can finally somehow rest easy.

Vyn continues to stroke his fingers on her hand, bringing it up close to his lips to gently caress it. “You told me last time that you wanted to visit this place, so your wish is my command.”

“I only mentioned it briefly, but you took that much thought into it?” She smiles to herself. “Your attention to detail is truly exceptional, Will.”

Feeling more loosened up and at ease, she reached and tugged the hem of his polo shirt.

“Vyn… I still feel disoriented, I’m embarrassed to ask this but… can you help me with my hair?”

“Sure, no worries…” He heaves her in to fix her posture as he’s back-hugging her. His tone showed no hesitations, whatsoever.

“But I’m giving you a heads-up I haven't washed it in days.” Yule goes onto a blabber then again. She’s just afraid of being vulnerable and him seeing her state like this, her condition of being lazy and tactless over her hygiene.

That’s when she knew it was getting bad.

Her basic functioning is blighted.

Also, this answers her attempts to avoid kissing him or anything and just isolates herself as she feels paralyzed to do anything.

Again, Vyn is that observant of her habits, it no longer hinders his interest in her.

“Want me to prepare a bath for you as well? Or… we can take a bath together?” The perk of his silver brow hints a sliver of mischievousness.

Though, the suggestion seems so convincing if it means getting refreshed. It didn’t show or imply any lewdness from the silver-haired man at all.

She could only let loose and be vulnerable; bare-naked in his presence on how gentle Vyn handles her.

-

The simple gesture overwhelms her, even with him tucking her in bed.

Vyn smoothed and brushed her hair with his fingers. He laid a chaste kiss atop her head as he whispered a soft good night.

His voice ever soothing her senses. Quite opposite of her sleepless nights in her childhood bedroom. The neon star stickers on her bedroom ceiling bring more blinding rays than calm slumber. And the random noise in their house is like storm clouds hovering over her head.

But being in his presence and his sound of breathing, equates to a calm pattering on the roof of a tranquil rain, and their shared bed a laid out like a cloud to soundly sleep in.

Lifting her chin up as support, Vyn wipes off the tears that she didn't even notice already leaked out beyond her consciousness and control.

“I'm sorry for how cruel the world has been to you, love.” He softly speaks, and he laid kisses by her eyes. “You don't deserve any of this travesty on your character.”

“No, we don't, Vyn… we deserve more than just survival." There's lightness in her chest saying this, she pulls him closer to her chest, enough that they attune to both their heartbeats. "We should be able to live.”

We deserve better, and on how Yule is crying right now, it is encapsulated in her endearing gaze towards this man.

It’s to let out all the pain, and how she yearns for a soft, easy-going life. That’s what she wanted all along. The calmness. And she’s eternally grateful that Vyn is the one to open her eyes to the possibility that she deserves this.

She deserves the light to live, to rest easy, to be able to breathe. And the privilege of living to share a breath with another.

“And your turmoil towards what they're doing is as it should, it's of reason… and does not reflect nor imply blighted blemishes on you as a person.

You are human after all, and you should be allowed to be human with vast and depth of emotions.

As not everything is black and white, my love, and I know it has been difficult for you to navigate through the opacity and hues of the grayness of it all… But I will gladly be of service to be your strength in this journey with you.”

His words serve as a soft reminder, but also shatter her in the sense that she wakes up. It's time to face reality. That everything coming up to this point in one’s life matters to shape a person, but it shouldn’t dictate you on your desired, deserved future.

It is still a matter of one’s hand how we navigate through life. But it’s also a nice reminder that she has a helping hand to count on as she journeys further ahead.

Yule truly needed that wake-up call.

This is a reminder to keep trying. To live on.

“You're no longer alone, and I hope I don't bring you shame that I am not the first person in mind to hold on to when you need help.”

“But now, I have to keep ingraining it in my mind to think of you, always… will that be alright?” Yule cups her hand on his face, tracing the mole residing by the side of his eye.

He beams, putting his hand over hers. “You have my full permission, love. And vice-versa.”

Reciprocated, as their love for each other.

Feeling the restlessness vanish, his words are the only thing grounding her tonight.

He continued his list of reminders, as tonight seemed to be the night she needed it the most. And hopefully, the last time she would be wrapped in intense anxiety instead of a warm blanket.

“You're more than that Yule, and you know that as to why it brings you so much remorse on how opposite their actions towards you with your real, actual worth.

You no longer have to be so hostile towards yourself, I'll be here every step of the way to lead you back whenever you go astray from what's doing you good.”

Like a good nudge to her timid figure, it nudged Yule to his side of the bed more, more certain with her full concentration on his.

“Their vile treatment of you gives a disservice to your kindness, and you're usually a patient person but you are put to the test when it comes to them.”

Vyn wipes the last of her flowing tears, now turning to a halt as his words assure her.

She feels seen; she feels loved.

“I hope I bring you calm instead of triggering your fight or flight mode.”

Yule laughs, in disbelief at how this is turning her overwhelmed with emotions, but now she feels safe letting her walls break loose as Vyn accepts her vulnerability.

She pulls him close to her chest, to let him know how her heart is beating at a fast pace. At most that he is one of the reasons she wants this heart to keep beating.

And only if she can stop one’s heart from breaking, it would be his, it is Vyn’s heart that she wants to protect with her dear life as well.

“I'm usually under the water, muffled at most, drowning with rage and darkness of an abyss-like pit.

I have been long lost in this labyrinth in my waking life. But upon meeting you, it was as if fate— destiny, whatever force the universe had brought us… I have resurfaced into calm waters.” With every softness she could gather, it is placed with a kiss they share.

“You keep me afloat.”

He kissed her back, and as if eons passed on how profound the feelings scattered across the warmth of both their chests. Tugging and pulling in between the skies and seas, it is left suspended.

Tranquil.

“And you are my anchor, you ground me and keep me safe from straying away. And at last, upon dreading destiny, I have come to love and accept it as it led me to you. Perhaps this was fate.”

And they wouldn't like it any other way.

They keep each other well-balanced.

Besides not getting enough sleep due to insomnia and uneasiness, she’s only able to make up for the lack of it with Vyn beside her. His presence serves as serotonin.

She hasn't had a good night’s sleep for a long while.

Her calm disposition displays the apparent glow of her recovering and getting better in being more liven up. And truly Yule’s more invigorating aura was driven to this point as they have come to a full circle. She comes off more regulated, happier.

She has been trying for so long to get off the seemingly helpless cycle.

Now she has someone quite opposite to her nature to accompany her hand in hand.

Yule is ready to accept and throw anything else that’s disheartening, as love is what's valued above all.

The golden eyes of Vyn brought her back to the ground. Being lifted and carried with such care she no longer felt the cynic air of dismay.

Just gentleness and warmth.

He embodies the tea aroma he loves so much.

He is love.

One wouldn't let oneself be this bare without trust, it is never uncomplicated to lay a doormat to welcome intimacy that easily again. Especially after mishaps after mishaps; the mass of catastrophes had led one’s heart to be numb.

But perhaps, it is love that was felt as to why their walls were torn down beyond the windows of one’s soul. No doubt if they hadn't let themselves be vulnerable, if they didn't try once more— this wouldn’t be their decided fate.

To love an unlovable person, that concept stayed an impossible decree for Yule not till it was proven wrong by Vyn. And for him, to fall in love at first sight when it is one of the most straying thoughts in his system, but then, Yule managed to breach through his walls at first glimpse.

As much as they see each other’s foundation as fallen debris, a dilapidated land.  

It gives them hope that people can always start anew, now that they have each other… Together, they can make a home for one another.

※ my masterlist | #enjeiwrites ※

[yutasbimil]

Antimony

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (7/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: angst, hurt/comfort cw: heavy on (self) angst; suicidal ideation; graphic and morbid descriptions on said thoughts, negative self-talk, skewed self-perception, mentions of attempts, self-harm. triggering topic on neglect and invalidation of family/relatives. + fudge, I HATE typing this down and reading it to edit, it just crawls into my skin THIS IS THE WORST + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 3.2k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2024)

Her existence persists to be a contradiction. Her daily pursuits are deliberating from making up her mind on things… as everything had been pointed out too much with being smothered and neglected by her family. Who knew that such a dynamic is possible to be of existence? 

But it would also be a miracle if they just started thinking straight and be normal for once.

From happiness and despair, does she truly care that her pessimism gets in the way of enjoying the art of stoicism? Or is she just truly numbed and disappointed to even care?

‘This is crazy talk from the meds…’

Yule clenched her jaw subconsciously.

‘I hate myself for falling into a slope and fucking relapsing—’

“You okay, my love?” Vyn asks, he is not quite sure of the volume he had observed her. He’s surer about the weeks it has occurred. Vyn is most sure that the lavender essence of the tea and atmosphere doesn’t amount to any help to the lady across from him.

Yule tiredly replies, nodding weakly before lowering her head as droopy as her eyes. The fatigue is catching up with her, along with being numbed along with the medication. She’s still quite adjusting.

But today shows a darker shade in her façade.

Exhaustion reeks in her aura.

“Obviously not, Vyn…” her grumpiness slipped along with her groan. The migraines from jaw clenching aren't adding to her comfortability. 

Vyn had no other choice but to dismiss her snarky attitude.

“You do know I won't go anywhere even if you act that way towards me, right?” Vyn looks towards her sharp glares, she just huffs. He had noticed such patterns of irritability with her, and her means to sabotage anything when she's insecure. “I'll just be here, and just so you know, being harsh and cold towards me hurts, Yule. But let me remind you that I've handled worse so I won't be unfazed.”

“Ha, so you do admit I'm at par, worse?” she rolls her eyes, clicking her tongue. “I doubt that you'll manage, just admit I'm a jerk one can’t handle.”

Vyn’s brow twitched slightly at her sudden shift, he managed to simply purse his lips in a thin line.

“I didn't say anything of the like, Yule. Acting harshly can hurt others, even words can be sharp, does it not?”

“Whatever, just leave then.” Yule doesn't even bat another eye, her tone gradually turning childish. “I'm being pathetic and making a scene right now for the sake of it. I’m that destructive, a ticking bomb. It's obvious to you since you're so smart with your two degrees.”

So, she does know she just wants to fight ‘just because’? Good thing I won't retaliate. With his usual finesse, Vyn stayed nonchalant.

I'll take that as a compliment for her remembering and including it in her snarky remark.

It was clear she was not in a rational state.

Technically, they’re currently in a foreign place for her so it would be ridiculous to just leave her here. It’s silly enough she’s proposing to be left when Yule herself admitted she’s “directionally challenged”.

At least she retained her wittiness.

“Giving you the ‘Time Off’ you advised me when you're not in the mood, but I will just be here. I refuse to leave you.” he declared, still at a halt to wait for her next move.

“Why? I’m not even worth keeping, I’m a piece of shi—”

“Triggers, Yule.” Vyn prompts. “Self-degradation; I’m not tolerating any of it. We’ve talked about this.”

“Even you refuse to believe in facts,” she mutters under her breath. Yule attempts to storm off, but Vyn silently just follows.

This was her warning beforehand, it's as if you're facing another person whenever she pushes people away. If anything, her attitude amplified since she had gone back from visiting her family…

Vyn realized this soon enough as she just shut him off and looked further somber. She had been quiet even before coming back to their rented villa. 

Yule just huffs, obviously having difficulty regulating her emotions at the moment. 

Vyn stayed idle. He just suppressed a sigh as he placed down a glass of cold water for Yule. He knows nothing but to show any discomfort to her, most especially her vulnerable moments when she might take the slightest actions and gestures the wrong way.

As to why it ticks Vyn personally how she’s still viewed as not a concern. It’s obviously debilitating her work performance; it’s hindering her work function. Any other areas of her life including her sleep, appetite, and even social aspects.

It’s infuriating all the more that her evident symptoms and warning signs of help are dismissed as merely “physical sickness” by her family. Isn’t stress one of the leading causes of diseases and common knowledge these days?

“I’m angry— not at you, b-but I am lashing out. I’ll- tell later. Maybe, fuck, I don’t care! No one cares!” she burst out, immediately ripping her look off him as she walked out of the living room into the bedroom.

He just blinked, slightly distraught as poker-faced his expression now.

Vyn dragged the chair and sat down, subconsciously observing the condescending droplets form at the glass of water she left. He puts his hands on his face, his fingers stroking his chin in thought. He furrowed his brows at how unexpected the turn of things was for them just now.

Though, he already put the first piece that bridged this disaster from cascading; the verdict of it all.

Yule told Vyn of her last encounter with her family and relatives before their trip.

Last week…

“What if you get physical therapy instead?”

Even till the end, you’re not believing in me huh?

Yule held her tongue and no longer had any care to even bother rebutting. If only they were the ones who would tend the medical bills for her, but no.

The tone of Yule’s mother implied it’s much cheaper, that her symptoms are most likely only physical exhaustion, and that her fatigue is just lack of sleep. She doesn’t take any care of herself for being irresponsible and an immature person, still. Or at least that’s what her mother always says.

But when it comes to my sister, it’s a different story with finances huh? Suddenly the “budget” is non-existent; they’re all in.

She had to compensate for the fees for her therapy session with her own money…

Well, yeah. She had the money now, but what happened to "supporting her till the end"?

It opposes everything they told her.

She just heaved in a sigh, and everything felt heavier on the next happenstance.

The conversation felt a bit of a blur, more on her not bothering to even respond to her being hurt, and just agreed. The frustration, infuriation, and resentment only build up more as her boundaries are trampled over.

If it means I can get a proper assessment, I guess.

The price to pay along with the therapy. Such irony.

“It just gets dragged longer than I want it to, just further emphasizing the usual flow; I’m not the priority, a burden? Ah- it’s just more on being dismissive that: “It’s not that that you’re feeling.” It’s swept under the rug how obvious—goshdamn, the obvious signs of mental distress to my parents, Vyn! But they choose to ignore the possible mental illness.”

The way that Vyn has his vision on her as if he’s correlating the tangled coherence of her explanation, and he’s patient with ears swung wide open. Yule keeps pacing around the room to at least get her mind off the jitters, she lets her mouth agape to avoid drawing out blood from biting her lips.

“It’s like I’m just lying there bleeding, and they’re choosing to turn a blind eye.”

Yule is reminded to breathe, shakingly while easing her stiff shoulders. She felt her muscles firm up while slouching. It’s as if there’s a hanger placed on her clothes.

“Yes, it can be alleviated by massage, and physically, some ache in my body can be healed, through proper treatment, cure, and shit— but the debate just stood there with the elephant in the room, that it’s quite the opposite that my mental strain and fatigue is more on causing me physical symptoms. Manifesting physically instead…”

“Psychosomatic symptoms*, hmm?”

“Y-yeah, exactly! But of course, it just ends up that I brought the proper weapons in a fight, but it’s never to be acknowledged in the first place. As if you’re telling the doctor that they don’t need bandages on obvious bleeding wounds.”

She had known for the longest time of this feeling since high school. 

It felt like she was walking on lead, underwater and had been drowning for years. She’s raising her arms, for flags but it just gets thrown off as nothing. Go with the flow by all means.

But she needed to keep in mind how to slow down, her anchor already reached its point. Yule needs to learn how to rest and not exert herself when she’s already done more than enough.

‘I’m just pushed to my limit, even if I did well in school up to this point of taking exams for additional credentials— I just want to hide everything away when I know that it will just be brushed off at the end of the day.’

It even leaves Vyn’s gaze at her to waver, the flicker of his eyes dimmed for a slight millisecond at the shakiness of her voice.

Yule bitterly snickers, shaking her head weakly with a huff. “I just got my result that I passed, and I now have a name extension, yet everything I get still seems the least believable to them. Vyn, I’m gonna go insane, I tell you!”

This adds salt to the wound, it stings how her eyes feel dry at this point. This is not at all helpful to the abundance of cortisol levels in her system, as her psychologist pointed out. This condition of Psychosomatic Disorder in line with Generalized Anxiety Disorder**?

What a perfect combo indeed.

Adding the cherry on top of this disastrous combo is the crippling depression she has.

Though of course, this isn’t something ‘serious’ to look into, right?

Having to hear all of this and Vyn analyzing it, the brows on his forehead creased in dismay. Much to Yule overanalyzing everything, too.

Even now, it keeps replaying back in her head. It struck her with fear, and disgust to see how he might be having a hard time with her negativity.

Yule feels guilty, especially about how she’s been dragging him along the emotional rollercoaster. Either it’s with the fluctuation of hormones due to her monthly cycles and the effects of the medicine. Even how she even lashed out numerous times, so stupid! ‘Vyn is tired of me— wait, correction, because of me.’

It’s vastly different from one’s emotional toll when it comes to handling someone close and dear to you.

Yet he remains patient and kind to her unkindness.

Damn, so now that I’m also clinically diagnosed with chronic Depression, why do I still feel guilty even having to be in a loving relationship? I should be happy, right?

This constant weight of sadness and dreading emptiness is pulling her down, and by the slump of her shoulders, Vyn can thoroughly read the deepening of her thoughts.

Tackle the struggles of being in a relationship, the constant sadness, feeling like a burden for having the condition, and perceived helplessness***.

I don't want to drag him along with me. That's the least of what I want to happen.

‘Yet here I am again, hurting him in the process.’

The last time served as the last fucking time. She really had enough of the feeling of never ever being enough for them.

Because the last time she visited, all the time she spent with them led to her being invalidated every step of the conversation. As if it’s meant as a shitfest for Yule.

And she only brought up her anxiety.

Fuck, she’s glad no mentions of her depression slipped off her lips. What more if she brought up her Borderline Disorder? She is already clinically diagnosed at this point, ha, and yet…

Like a wasted game of ping-pong, her ears rang at how insensitive and obnoxious they sounded around the restaurant table. Just throwing words mindlessly or carelessly as if it doesn’t bear any weight. Everyone sounds like a hypocrite, all-talk about family and love.

Bullshit.

Yule is quite very much aware of the generation gap, and she wanted to educate them at first especially now that she has finished her studies. She had freed up her time for the sake of this lunch out.

Yule wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, still, and redirect her expectations that it will at least be better this time around—just this one damn time—now that months have passed.

Alas, it isn’t.

Yule just pointed out how taking it shallowly and using terms like “depressed” or “OC” can do more harm than good to those who are actually experiencing it. It further strays people from taking mental conditions seriously now that it’s at now all-time high to be aware of it.

Instead, a hand just blocked her vision and laughter deafened her in ridicule. I am just exaggerating it, they’re simply just “an expression” and just saying it as its usage. Like huh?

Yes! And that’s what’s wrong. 

Being “mature” wasn’t prioritized in her head as it flipped a switch in her, and it’s a dangerous one. Part of her feelings are hurt, personally triggering her as they mention more words that further devalue it.

Yule has the said condition. So it goes to show that it just means nothing, huh?

But damn, when it comes to my sister as she’s in the spectrum****, it’s more real and needs help.

She shouldn’t compare and the presence of another does not devalue her experience and condition… Yule has progressed so much these past months being away but in just a day, she sees every hope she has crumbling away. What am I even made for? What is my purpose here in this world?

Ha. Man, maybe if I fucking die and jump off a cliff. It’s still not real for them either way, right?

I always feel like glass when I’m with them.

Again, Yule reverts to her 14-year-old self of being silenced, no words want to come out of her. Dissociating, she just autopilots out of her own will.

Instead of exploding, right?

Thank God she didn’t as she will have to land a grenade on their faces on how ridiculous and insensitive they all are. And it all will just go back to me, as I am the bad guy here. It will be my fault for being insensitive for ruining their afternoon for even daring to speak up.

It’s just so extreme that it turned out this way already, what more if Yule told them of her actual condition, so it will be all for naught?

Does it need to be life-threatening?

Well, even when her allergies broke out intensely, there was no urgency at all from them. Maybe they’re thinking I’m just acting it all out for attention… Worse, she’s dismissed as no biggie when it’s clear that she’s not breathing properly.

With anxiety, so it’s not at all considered as a serious condition getting panic attacks out of nowhere to be called “real”?

Are we going back to Philosophy class to regard what is concrete and real compared to what is intangible?

Very bullshit.

That if I don’t need attention or that anxiety is just “shallow”, it will not appear as if I need help. So, it’s just superficial?

Then they’re the ones who have the guts to invalidate me after putting me through the Psychology field, and then I am not allowed to point out their blabbering? Just when I graduated and got my degree, I am still not reliable? Is it because I am not a practitioner or a doctor? Ha. It’s maddening how they’ll make you stupid.

And yet, they expect me? To finish my master's degree and fucking pass the boards after treating me so ridiculously and not worth it in the subject field?

WTF?

I've been feeling like this since I was 19 in university when they don't believe a thing that I point out because I ain't no doctor!

Yet up until now?

Yule could only sneer at such a rut she has in this ratchet household.

Heck, I will pass the boards, and run through her Master's with ease, but I feel that it is still not enough to be seen.

Beyond sated from food, she can no longer palate anything from her dissatisfying wreck of thoughts. I want to vomit. Nauseous, she stared into nothing once again.

I need to exaggerate the details and severity of the situation, yet it's still dismissed. That her anxiety also needs medication and shit.

Yule feels like a kid begging to be seen and wants attention. She needs to go beyond and bend over backward for facts and her reasons to be heard.

But they just don’t choose to use their damned ears for listening. To her in particular.

Am I just gonna die and it's still not believed in?

With Vyn I still have the tendency to be a compulsive liar in order to be believed in, but I keep forgetting to get it off my system that it is not the same case with him. I need a system reset to be at peace. I want to be my genuine self with him.

I really am trying.

Her far-off stares didn’t leave her glassed orbs as Vyn held her hand tightly by the plateau. She asked if they could get some fresh air earlier. By the looks of it, she had finally calmed down compared to her episode earlier. 

But it still feels heartsinking when she's silent and preoccupied. Vyn squeezed it a few more times before Yule finally responded with a weak smile. But she still goes on and off as she dissociates.

How could I have lost an “okay” Yule in just a few days' time?

Of course, not that he doesn’t like her being like this, but who does want to see a person this way? It pains to see someone you love in so much pain and feeling broken apart. And handled carelessly by people you expect of thick blood.

It tampers a scab on Vyn’s part as well, being let down by your own family who is supposed to serve as a safety net to your existence.

Vyn intertwined his fingers with hers to at least ground her further, she flinched a little. Yule had been silent the most since the start of their trip, although a bit responsive, the difference to her usual behavior shows a wound to her well-being.

He simply observes, he senses her trying the most as she strokes her fingers at his hands as they are sight-seeing. Vyn hopes the view gets her mind off things momentarily.

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[yutasbimil]

Irony

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (1/8) [series fic] REPOSTING!!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: fluff, comfort cw: love at first sight, slight prejudice, psychology major student x professor? hmmm . . . meet-cute, eventual smut, eventual romance, heavy psychological anguish later on orz (sorry) ; idk what to put kek note: possible series or there might be more continuation onto this context! for now this settles it for me ;) + supposedly expected to be finished last sept. on vyn's bday, but I only got around it now; majority of this set-up is inspired by vyn's ssr card 'a star in the night' + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 2.5k

part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2021)

“I wouldn't like a person with a prestigious background.” The lady is irked by the arrogance of rich; higher-class people. Vyn opposes love at first sight.

Ironically, Yule and Vyn came to realize they're both the type of people they came to ‘despise’; likewise.

They promised to stray away from those qualities, but this very essence is what drove them closer.

In a rush, Rosa approaches Yule at the sight of her. Yule is actually expecting more of a warm greeting from the senior, being an alumna of the campus and all. Yet she’s greeted with a pile of paper shoved by her chest.

“I’m really sorry, Yule!” Rosa almost tumbles as she bows. “I have to make a run to the firm.” By holding the older one with her phone, Yule got the gist that it was urgent.

She didn’t even get the chance to glance at the papers, not till she looked over that what Rosa hands out are survey questionnaires.

Rosa did not even tell her what to do though to get this; what it is for, and is it already up for evaluations? All she does know; it’s still not half done to be enough for input. Seeing one-third of it blank… Yule wants to cry internally.

Rosa didn't even explain to her what to do at all. 

Yule signs and she's even just here as an alumnus to get her documents.

She’s currently taking her Master's degree, and she's also planning to enroll here. As Rosa recommended.

And Marius.  sighs

They are at most friends, having the same interest in art. Though, she still gets annoyed as he can be quite a tease and unpredictable when they interact.

Geez, the thought of that guy infuriates me.

Yule diverts her attention back elsewhere, scanning over the papers she has at hand, aware of its content since she had psychological assessment courses.

Too drifted off and immersed in reading details, she grows hesitant.

Rosa is just about done with the evaluations— but, I am not in the place to hand these out as in the first place, I am not even assigned to conduct this…

Yule worries over her lips, upon reading a certain name, she pauses.

‘Dr. Richter?  That sounds like the prof. I'll have in my class.’

She runs her finger on the print. “Vyn…”

She bumps into a man with a lab coat. Startled, she steps back.  “Oh, sorry!”  She’s almost a jittery mess, bowing and keeping the folder by her chest.

The sight of the lady also took Vyn by surprise.

Though, by her reaction, she doesn't recognize him at all. Or as that is what he presumed.

Yule first noticed his golden eyes, brighter through his glasses. She doesn’t know but some warmth spreads in her chest, urging her that he’s the kind of person to approach for aid. More so as his eyes glint back at her.

“Sorry to bother you more, but do you know Dr. Richter around here?”

The taller male says nothing for a moment, pursing his lips as he sees the glimpse of the familiar papers. 

Yule noticed his stares.

“Oh, no worries. I’m planning to give it back.” A bit guilty, she bites her lips as she did check the content. Though she doesn’t want to let go of it yet, she is already intrigued by the study.  What am I saying?

Rosa, you better make it up for me.

“That is me, but may I ask where you got those from?” the silver-haired man inquired. She lifts the papers by her chest. 

“Oh, my friend is in a rush. She just handed these out to me. I really thought she planned to make me answer all of these…” Yule laughs, a bit forced, awkward. But all the more perpetually made things indeed more awkward.

At least for her end.

“Are you Miss Saints?” 

Somehow hearing him saying her name in his low voice made her heart tumble.

No Yule! You’re just nervous. No way that your heart skipped a beat at that!

Yule takes a deep breath regaining composure as she stands up straight. She firmly holds the folders and offers her hand.

“I am, and can I take that as you are Dr. Richter?” As if automatically she switched and adjusted her speech to formal talking to this nobleman. Or at least that's what her brain registered her to do.

“Indeed.” He nods, humbly smiling back at her ever so solemnly. “Please… No need to be so formal, any friend of Rosa is to my liking.”

Vyn takes her hand, she felt soft by her hand upwards. He speaks. “I suppose you know about those evaluation papers?”

Just when she thought she had the upper hand in keeping the atmosphere in place.  Alas. 

She sighed in defeat and was a bit ashamed. At this point, she’s screaming Rosa’s name at the back of her mind for being in this situation.

“Apologies, Rosa was in such a rush to ask me a favor.” she almost bites back a sob. “Though I do know the protocols yet I still rummaged through it.” 

“Oh, no worries. It’s fine. It is up to you if you want to take part as the respondent, or do you wish to continue to be of assistance?”

She did not even register the question in her head.

The curiosity has been looming over her mind for the past minutes, enough for it to ask to slip off. She didn’t have a moment to fight back her urge.  “How did you know my name?”

“Rosa had mentioned you to me on numerous occasions,” he replies, his lips shifting upwards in a noticeable manner. “She’s actually enthralled for me to meet you soon, since you’re her ‘psychologist friend’, as she worded it.”

Did she just witness him smiling at that fact?  Yule grows more on embarrassed than delighted at that.

Though, how come she didn’t even mention Dr. Richter to her at all to be aware of him? …if he knows her already this much?  How odd of you Rosa…

“Not yet.” She puts emphasis on that, further explaining to him her future plans for her degree. 

He gestures to her to move aside to sit by the waiting benches by the hallway. As more students crowd the room. As they found a bit of comfort by their feet, she continued, playing by the hem of her sleeves as she placed the folder between them. The distance now feels safe. “I am not even fully sure since you handed these out to be conducted. You assigned Rosa.”

Yule only expected him to take it as it is, as it is the facts. So, she didn’t expect the slight gleam of his eyes, though it wouldn’t be discernible if one isn’t paying much attention to a person. 

She rationalized it as she’s someone taking up psychology, of course, she had to be perceptive at most.

A smile is now formed on his lips, distinct more now than it is for her.

“Take it as a ‘makeup’ for bumping into me.”

That is a big thing for him, what an inconvenience you are, Yule. She kept the surging blood rushing through her face to herself, feeling all the more embarrassed.

Vyn is quick to retract it. 

“I am only kidding, though, mind if I do observe you?” he suggests once again. “I won’t be much of a bother. I believe if I accompany you, the students might answer those around me differently.”

As much as she knows that might change behavior, for the genuinity of the study, she's more affected by being watched. 

“Only if you do mind, Miss Yule?”

That made her get out of her zone. “No! I actually want to finish it seeing its content,” she admitted, the words just escaped smoothly.

By the gleaming eyes greeting her back.

She knows well that she'll definitely enjoy having classes here.

Yule is now itching more to move to her feet and get this over with, besides the outcome, the resounding steps of the two of them echoing in the now deserted hallway is growing all the more engaging. The idea of this atmosphere is going to be familiar to her…

I need to finish finalizing my documents.

It is the least of her expectations.

Yule is yet to know what is going right at her.

How could she slip up on their first conversation?  The look on Vyn across her, is anything but “amused” with his lips pointing upwards.

It felt cold and artificial, remaining unnoticed by the girl while she carried on with her sentiments. 

“They can be quite obnoxious.” she huffs, the push in her voice signals depth. 

“Just because they think they owe you and can bribe you with money.”

Vyn sips from his cup before speaking. “Don’t you think you are discrediting them for their hard work and efforts on what you have said prior on that basis?”

“Also…” Adding a chuckle, he looks at her. “Do you not like Marius that much?”

“N-no! I actually like him, he's one of the few I get along with and of that background.” She almost pokes herself reaching the straw with her mouth. That took her off guard, it is anything but hatred. Although she had to admit, she got carried away with her mouth. That is not at all what she meant, but is it really coming across that way on how Vyn interpreted it?

Yule is part of the middle class, more on the working side, and trying to strive to meet her needs, but delving into the topic and personal encounters, she had a handful of unpleasant experiences working with rich people.

Though, she did not even consider him, Vyn Richter, as that… even when she got to know he's rich af.

She grows somber in her seat. It really flew out of her mind that Vyn had told her about this recently. Remaining her lips wrapped around her straw, Yule made a mental note to hold back her tongue this time around.

“Yule, how come you've developed a stereotype, then such judgment on this matter?” His voice is too clear to bypass.

Yule took the moment to look at him intently. 

At some odd feeling, she felt that his intention on the question is beyond his inquiries on psychology. This is a matter of intuition now.

She doesn't want to back down or stray away from their topic.

Now a bit composed, she tells him in prompt detail what’s on her mind. “Okay, sorry. I held such a judgment, though it is personal based on what I have encountered… Especially in prestigious places that I had a chance to get a job in. Some can be condescending not because they have power, when the actual case is that what they are lacking is simple respect to others.”

“I see.” Vyn runs his fingers by his chin and then gestured to her, she felt her breath release. “You said that in meticulous detail.”

Yule hums, now a bit relieved in her place though nervous if she lessened the mess she placed on the atmosphere.

“I do hope I don't come across that way. May I ask if I have offended you in some way, in our previous meetings perhaps?”

“Not at all.” She shakes her head firmly, assuring him in the best manner. She had to take another good look at him, straight in contact. “What do you mean though, Dr. Richter?” 

She can’t quite put a finger on it…

“Nothing.”

She won’t think much of it then.

By the clock ticking, and as the condensation of the cup drips by her finger, Vyn drops his question.

“Ah, right. Rosa relayed the message to me moments ago… Since she's got an extra ticket, how about you be the one to join me at this event? Her friend Kiki isn't able to accompany her.”

Yule flinched as he handed the invitation, more so as his slender fingers brushed hers for a moment. But looking at the table now, she can't quite comprehend seeing the intricate details on the paper, let alone the scent of it.

Or is it him?

She flushed red as she realized his close proximity.

Yule backs away, also because she might have to turn him down. “Oh no, I don’t know if I may…” The shining letters on the paper gawk at her by her line of vision.

She doesn't have any appropriate clothes.

Like of course, on average, she didn't have anything packed for this certain instance. She will stick out like a sore thumb!

“Is there any problem, Miss Yule?” Vyn had to ask as she had been silent for a while.

 Prompting her feet properly to her seat, her sheepish behavior came off a bit less. “Honestly… I don’t have a dress for a ball.”

Does she look pathetic?

“Oh, no need… Marius suggested a design for you.” Seeing the already prepared reference on the older male’s phone, she had to widen her eyes at the sight of her favorite hues that complements her skin so well.

That made her flush more.

She lets out a nervous laugh, mixed with vexation. “I swear he wants me in debt.”

“I asked him directly though, no worries. Besides, knowing you're in the midst of moving here in Stellis, I suppose you didn't bring any attire for these kinds of events.”

 “Exactly.” She felt herself relax and look at him with intent. So, he didn't see the fact that I may not have any of the luxury, and did not prioritize it since she’s handling something at the moment. She beams at him, feeling the effects of the caffeine saturate her body. “You’ve done so much already, Vyn, thank you.”

Hearing that she had already complied in calling him by the name, she claps his hands together, nodding in appreciation. “That settles it then.”

“Mind if I pick you up at noon?” he asks.

“Not quite a morning person?”

He had to perk a smile, as she even managed to notice that detail.

Vyn chuckles, letting a meek smile paint over his lips. “I suppose you too?”

Nodding, she had to mirror back a shy grin, disappearing in a matter of seconds as it’s been replaced by an astonished reaction. 

“Let's grab a coffee on the way.” Vyn leans nearer, drawing her in with his smile.

She had to flush back.  He noticed that detail too, huh…

Settling on the same agreement feels safe as they get more captivated into their little bubble. Despite being both’s epitome of ‘irony’ at the first meeting, they have settled it. With Vyn breaking down her beliefs into something more bearable; showing more of the radical explanation of phenomena, and to Yule alluring the appealing nature of the primacy effect  in love for Vyn. Possibly expanding the concept and enticing dynamics to him hereafter.

To the one who acts on her vulnerabilities, the other rational on their approach. One can learn from the other; equal and reciprocal. Opposites do attract.

Having to see in person the name, the one he keeps hearing, now has a form and meaning for him to further analyze. He wishes to comprehend more of her complexities past her captivating appearance. Vyn can now structure better connections based on further impressions he may probe into.

Letting the scent of the café waft their senses, he's stirred awake.

He’s the type who prefers tea, but with him being in her presence, it feels natural. She gives the same palpitation and warmth as he glances at her coffee-brown eyes.

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[yutasbimil]

Contrary

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (4/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: angst, hurt/comfort cw: heavy on the (self) angst; mental anguish; mentions of anxiety and depression, relapse, alcohol and suicidal ideation; perfect combo isn't it? // smut is moved again, oops (it's on the next part i promise) + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 2.4k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2023)

cont.

Vyn didn’t expect such attraction towards a person before, let alone even at the first meeting. He swore he wouldn’t turn to such shallowness.

But there’s an indescribable enigmatic magnetism between them.

And it seems like  the first times  every time she walks by the room, Vyn feels a thump by his chest, knocking as if to strike him back to his senses.

He thanked the lighting of the hotel room for its ability to hide the flush by his face.

Alas,  he can’t look away, as if a fish hooked tightly. Like being hit by an arrow unexpectedly, and this seems straight to the knee. He swore in his new life to  never  fall at first glance, but when he turned to look at her again, it amplified even more.

He’s eaten his words and got his tongue tied into tight knots.

However, Vyn knows that with all  the bullshitery  fiction seems to spread in romance, he knows this by the psychological aspect. He’ll be damned by the pheromones and effects the human mind can bring you.

And the opportunity is within his grasp.

Marius dropped her off by the lobby after their mini shopping spree. Yule also changed into a more appropriate set of formal attire as she went back to the meeting hall. 

Vyn approaches them from across the room, meeting eyes, it easily wavered as Yule felt something by her neck. Her hair was almost snagged by her long earrings. Vyn fixed it for her, brushing it aside her ear, his proximity earning a blush on her face.

“Apologies for not greeting you first, m’lady.” Vyn takes a step back, bowing slightly then takes her hand for a chaste kiss. “I’ve been meaning to meet you tonight, Miss Yule.”

“Same here too, Sir… Vyn.” Yule taps into herself as she looks elsewhere to hide the blush on her face, unintentionally leading to Marius who reminded Vyn of the younger’s presence. 

He turns to the other man.

“Fancy meeting you here, Marius.” Vyn gives him a look, Marius nods back to Vyn with the same greeting.

They actually checked in the hotel for a gathering along with Vyn.

Beforehand, Yule briefly informed him that they’ll be at the same place today, but didn’t expect Yule to be accompanied by Marius.

After another nod, Marius walked away to leave them be as he had other business to attend to.

As if looking between the two of them, she turns her focus to Vyn. Yule feels the bad blood between him and Marius even after the tension diverges their presence from each other. 

She lightly hits Vyn on the shoulder, taking him aback with her sudden rowdyness.

“What’s with you guys?” Yule slipped off, patting him guilty on the shoulder.  Oops,  that’s not a good action towards him. Even if they’ve known each other for a month or two already.

“Ah, nothing…” Vyn wasn't able to continue further. His behavior is a bit… looming.

Yule took it as a sign to brush off lightened up at his slight bashful expression. This is a different side of him she encountered.  How cute.

“I do see you being like a kid with him at times, plus his competitiveness and pettiness on the banter can be quite… amusing,” Yule says, suppressing a giggle around him. 

Vyn took this as a close relationship between the two, it crossed his mind that they are classmates. Vyn was able to recall Yule once in his class to sit in. She picked different subjects to  avoid him  in means keeping it formal with him. She apparently got a better slot at a known state university nearby, and just takes a few classes at Stellis University.

“That’s Marius to you, I guess…” Vyn trails off. He is quite taken aback to be read out in the open like that, he needs to have some restraint. Yule likes this laid-backness though.

Vyn harrumphs, getting his hand out ready. Yule takes it, his hand feels colder than usual. She glances at him as he even shudders on her softened look.

“Shall we go?” Vyn leads the way as both of them proceed to the hall where the party will be held.

The social battery died down moments ago, more than her limit to stay attentive. Everything looks dreary and dim looking at the sea of people talking in the hall.

Mostly she’s already hit with boredom, along with her phone nearly drained, the lump at the edge of her throat seems salient on her system. Substantially, how ungrateful she is to be in a luscious environment, isn’t she supposed to be privileged… only to be truly displeased. She despised this atmosphere.

Her past floods her more as the contents of her dim phone mock her. Even back in the past in these social gatherings and chances of luxury. She isn’t enjoying the company of her family. Not the same with the silver-haired man across the hall, his eyes gleaming as bright as the lights with its golden luster. He cannot attend to her, he’s in need of socializing with others. So, she’s left to relax aside from the bar nearby. Only she's anything but at ease.

Yule yawns, teary as sleepiness fights in her system. The ambiance reminds her of last time, being compared constantly, the plastic comments, and she always seems to be the one to adjust at the expense of her sister. To be consistently second-guessed, though at most, neglected.

It even reached to not once, but both her graduations were disrupted due to lack of sleep. What was the purpose of checking in the hotel to save time going to the venue? Only to be bothered all night by the noise around the room. Does her health even fucking matter? It struck her, maybe that’s why she cannot sleep well despite the lavender-scented rooms meant to "calm one's senses".

She's growing jittery, it might be due to excessive caffeine from earlier. She's grown dependent on it.

Yule could've chosen coffee and sleep deprivation over drunkness. But she picked the dark horse for tonight.

All because of one damn message.

She's in full berserk mode.

As if there's no switch to reformat her system, a deer in the headlights, her senses full on flight  and  fight mode. She cannot avoid the shaking of her body.

Yule usually helps with the emails of her parents, so she read through a bit of some of it when it caught her eye. Bills and accounts paying for her sister's specialized schooling.

Now fully confirms it.

She’s honestly at a loss for what to feel. She has grown numb at every passing expectation as much as this is unexpected.

Of course, I'm a piece of shit, I mean nothing.

She can’t believe one text message would ruin her night.

As to why she leaned into alcohol, turning to it to blind and numb her senses at the intensity of her emotions. Shame fills her the more she chugs down light alcohol in her system.

This burning sensation felt like her college days when she spent a period not sober. There was not a day where there was alcohol stained in her system as little as a shot or two, even if it’s a mere can of beer– it can still be considered alcoholism.

Not tipsy enough.

Every word of the text remains replaying in her head. They’re reaching out again to look after her sister.  As if she doesn’t have a life of her own that she’s taking care of…

It made her furious.

At every flush of alcohol down her throat, to another glass of cocktail, she’s feeling the relapse from everything from the last three months. It’s all for naught, all wasted effort the same as she’s progressing more wasted.

Damn, so money wasn’t much of a problem all this fucking time…?

'But when it comes to me, it seems heavy as fuck, or it’s even my fault on how much of a burden to take care of me and pay off the expenses when I suddenly get sick?'

And how the treatment goes, the other daughter just throws money away as if it’s pennies… When it’s Yule who requests things, there’s hesitation. Her taking Master's degree wasn't even encouraged. But a specialized school?

She feels conflicted about how she views money and wants to leave everything behind even if it’s considered as wealth and comfort. Yule would trade it for better treatment with no guilt and to sustain a life for herself.

All this ill will, she’s willing to baggage, Yule is risking everything for the title of the “black sheep”.

To be one who speaks her truth, doesn't listen as much, is so boisterous, unladylike, cares too much about one's looks, too cautious about one’s body and health… Everything is blurred and murky on how toxic her vision is at all these. She’s very much affected.

She just does what she wants for her own expense and gain. For her betterment.

Of course, that is  bad ; pure evil– turning her into such a liberated, malevolent lady.

They didn't raise her to be like this, it's too much shameful for a girl to be so untraditional.  Out with the stakes!  She should stay pure and submissive. A little child that one can hold onto one's clutches. But the caged bars are breaking, she's growing more aware…

But punish her as well for putting herself in a tight spot when disrespected.  One shouldn't treat you as invaluable.

Even though that's the exact thing they're doing to her.

She's sick of not tending herself first.

Which turned all this misplaced anger towards relying on any vices to cope— she's just so fucking done.

Leave me alone!

Everything seems so fucking tangent, and she swore she got A’s in geometry back then, but  holy fuck!

Leave me out of any of this shit.

At the fifth glass, she’s in a total mental breakdown and crisis, realizing more how bullshit the treatment is, and how much she’s denied her needs. No matter how much she asks for therapy, they're against it.

She’s used to being prohibited from a lot of things growing up, even leading up to her adult days. Even simple self-defense and being active in the gym, she’s not allowed as it’s  ‘not good for girls’  as her grandmother says. Even moving houses as it’s an act of betrayal, that they’re no longer a complete family– even if they're residing in the same town. She's done with these strangling knots.

She wants out.

And out she does.

"Well, I’m the first in my family to graduate with a degree– At least here I achieved something," Yule could only laugh in spite.  'It means nothing though, they look down at psychology.'

With her sister, they'll easily run to the clinic to take her for a slight hyperventilation or just a runny nose. Yule would just lay in bed and  die  as she cannot breathe properly due to her allergies, they can't even be urgent about it.

What's more infuriating is her sister, they would be willing to pay for her psych assessments. With Yule, it's a no-go, what's her purpose to be even taken to therapy? She's got nothing to be sad about. Why would she even be depressed when she's got all her needs and food on her plate and a roof over her head.

'I want to die.'

It's not usual for Yule to turn to help unless it's gravely urgent and intense— but they opposed her from even going to clinics as those psychologists would just tell her nonsense, influencing her rotten brain into outrageous things. To further leech them off of money. It's a complete waste of time.

Hearing all that came out of her mother's mouth just stunned her baffled.

So what even is the purpose of her taking a psychology degree? So she's throwing every effort and her whole being down the dumps?

When she knows herself that's her final call that she is in need of desperate help, and this was her way of reaching out to seek help.

Because she really  really  wants to die.

But even this is refused to be given to her.

As to why Yule set off to be at peace and pursue her Master's degree, to start anew. At least wishing these thorns would bloom into something new.

At least meeting Rosa and Vyn, even Marius, shed some light on her bleak situation.

But she feels so heavy and conflicted about how she views herself. More on lack of self-worth. She doesn't know herself anymore, or if anything that she went through could be considered 'herself', she could take it. Because she’s been so out of it for years.

She's going insane.

-

Having Yule overlooked at the after-party, Vyn was worried about her drunken state as he appeared back on her side.

With her flushed cheeks burning up to her ears, she looks more tipsy than usual. However, he’s got no clue about her alcohol tolerance. Or at least not getting up to this point that she's full of rashes down to her feet.

"Vyn, you're back. I'm sorry, I'm…  like this - I really am…" Her coherence spills the same as her drink almost toppling over at her hand. It had few sips left. Yule just shakes her head weakly. 

"I think you've had enough fun with alcohol, Yule." Vyn takes the drink off her grasp and consumes the last of the alcohol. By her blank glare, it's anything but fun on the time she had by herself for the past hours.

She murmurs spiels of apologies, along with the scent of the rum on her breath. As Vyn asks the bartender what he served the lady, he can only nod. That's a heavy load to drink for a light drinker. 

Good thing it was just the right time as the party was putting on a close.

"Can you walk by yourself, Yule?" His normal voice sounded muffled on her end. 

She shakes her head, how shameful. Yule attempts to stand off the high seat, so Vyn can support her arms.

Though still conscious, her skin is just full of rashes.

It was quite obvious how wide the gap is for Vyn's alcohol tolerance compared to her. He had more hard drinks than her. Hours passed as she filled herself with cocktails, so it was the final straw for her to lean on the pure hard white rum. One shot of the Bacardi, the heavy richass alcohol managed to topple her over like this.

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[yutasbimil]

Polar

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (2/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: angst, pre-smut, fluff, comfort cw: mental anguish, interrupted; cut-short sex, panic attacks, love at first sight, slight prejudice, psychology major student x professor? hmmm . . . eventual smut (i promise!), eventual romance + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 2.7k

part 1 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2022)

cont.

Opposite they are to each other.

But being brought too close to each other’s proximity, it’s harder to pull further apart to get away from each of their magnetic fields.

In the same way that alcohol can bring out one’s vulnerabilities… But we can never be sure if spilling these thoughts can drive us closer to the warmth or coldness of those who would hear it.

At first glance there’s always something so entrancing about Vyn the more that Yule watches him. Standing across the room with him, it’s clear how he exudes such prestige aura, it’s alluring how upright he stands yet so much feebleness despite his charismatic façade. It all seems like a mask.

Yule spins and twirls her wrist along the glass of wine. Just remembering how Vyn taught her the etiquette of drinking made Yule blush under her skin. Mostly, yes, it’s because of the effects of alcohol kicking in. It at least helped lessen the coldness she feels. Though she felt  cold  in other aspects, the bitterness outweighs the supposed sweetness of the laughter around her. Expecting the booze to boost off her self-consciousness, it didn’t help a tad bit as she felt her head spin more and the almost empty glass in her hand. 

The clear dissonance between her and the white noise crowd signals an ending of the event, or at least to her and her social battery.

She might’ve gone too far to even climb up to attend such a fancy event.

As if on cue, the escort accompanying her takes the glass from her the same as it didn’t even register in her brain that he’s already footsteps close to her.

His breath near her paints a blush on her ears.

Now the redness is because of something else.

“I would suggest you sober up before we head home, m’lady.” The light hoarse in Vyn’s tone signals the lateness of the night. “I do not see clear skies for tonight, I ought to take you home soon so we won’t get caught by the winds.”

“The night seems young though.” And at that slight refuseness in her thoughts, it surprised Yule how it’s been a long while since she doesn’t want to go home yet. Also connecting it to the skin on hers as Vyn is touching her arm for support.

“Sorry to cut the night short, Yule… But I do insist more on your safety.”

The softness of his voice delayed her receptivity more on how she had said her thoughts out loud. The alcohol did the magic for her, and she was on the ride with it.

She knows this is all much of an act, especially for today, but it lingered till days past and it felt like a dream…

Though she had also noticed the distance he draws whenever she steps closer to him, as if she was brought further away the more interactions they are presented with.

This is a peculiar feeling to every meeting.

“What's it like in your hometown?”

The crescent of the moon illuminates along the cold snow that fell on the lady’s nose, she almost shivered at the gaze the taller male gave her. Similar to the white of his hair, his answer seemed frigid.

“I haven’t been there for a long while,” Vyn says.

Silence enveloped them, she almost gasped for warmth as the cold winter air brushed stiffly against them. By instinct she stepped close to him for body heat, he nearly flinched at the almost contact.

“Oh sorry, do I make you uncomfy?” Yule asks, between the lines, her concern of ‘haven’t we had a close relations contact recently for you to act too surprised this way?’  specifically, to pertain to her choice of words at this moment.

Vyn also took this into account and was as direct as her.

“No, no… It’s just that you are cold,” he states, relating to –at most– the weather. But she quickly caught on to the subtleties.

“Likewise.”

“Hmmm?” Vyn turned to her, golden eyes caught in the rose hues straight across her face. Her demeanor appeared to be in her favor as it aligned easily with her behavior and sound reasoning.

What acts coy in tone, she says. “This is just because of the cold...” As if covering both her ears isn’t enough, she repeats as she recollected herself.

”It is cold tonight, Dr. Richter.”

She's the type to get cold easily, given that he also has cold hands instead of warmth is… not quite what she expected as to why she flinched. She thought at that one time but felt the same thing at this instance… she’s met with rather quivering arms.

She looked at him frozen.

“I am also the type to have cold hands, my body temperature is lower than normal,” Vyn states as if reading a glimpse of her mind.

Despite his cold demeanor, warmth is felt between them. Or at least at her end.

The barrier between them seemed to bubble away as Vyn slightly leaned on her proximity. But which made her intrigued all the more by the sudden shift.

Partially, Vyn noticed he is to blame but even he cannot understand his own complexities, what more on observing others behavior… And it is supposedly his profession; Yule cannot reckon this field he planted in.

The shifts didn’t change at the sudden gust of wind as they went just by the front porch of Vyn’s home. Her way home is by his route and talks about such luck she has.

They get caught in the snowstorm.

She’s meaning to just pass by his house for some reference books as she needs them for the following weeks. But by the looks of the hail outside, it cannot be.

As polar they astutely discern each other's personalities, their bodies seem to have found a way to gravitate toward each other.

The warmth of his breath by Yule’s ear had the same effect of a blizzard wind sending down one’s spine.

She didn’t fully know how or why they got into this exact situation, bare naked, skin-to-skin; less than hair strands apart, but it felt right to the bone.

But her head says otherwise, despite Yule’s body yearning for any means to get warmth by body heat. Her body seems automatic as it elicits tones of pleasure. Specifically, asking for Vyn’s skin near her, his lips exploring the surface of her naked skin by her collarbone, more so with how he pulls her close to his chest. 

Both their breathing grows more ragged and labored as if exchanging replies along their bodies. Yule moans as he ascends from her territories, Vyn’s vision looks darker towards her darkened crimson cheeks.

“Can I touch you?” Vyn breathed by her ear, momentarily fanning her intense desire. His fingers lingered above her scorching core, with full consent, she quickly led his fingers by her damp panties.

“Ahhh…  there, please.” She hissed at his cold fingers digging through the fabric.

With his impatient touch, it’s as if she can’t believe her body can get more blazed, more so as he sets aside her panties as Vyn fingers her. 

“Let me treat you well here as well, my lady.” he musters, and she could only gulp a breath of surprise as he went in to make her squirm good at his techniques. Vyn heavily grunts as she clenches more in his fingers, a smile of triumph appears on his face as she slips profanities. 

“Fu-fuck…  shit- sorry—” Yule covered her foul mouth, quickly turning weak as he curled his digits in her. She almost yelps. “Don’t be…  so, g-good.”

Yule could only give in to the pleasure. Her muscles fight over clenching or relaxing over the sensation. Her wetness squelches the deeper Vyn’s fingers buried in and out of her vagina, gaining more grunts and moans from both their lips.

As if a request for more silence, Vyn’s lips crash into hers, turning more aggressive and passionate, opposite to his light touches. Yule’s nails say otherwise, it remains gripped and clenched by his hair. He took it as a validation he was doing so damn well, moving along his lips on her drenched lips down between her legs.

Yule contained all her control not to wrap her legs into his head. But every time he looks up at her, eye-to-eye directly into hers, his lips are devilishly distracting.

She pulled his hair out of frustration.

In between the twists in her stomach overwhelmed with pleasure, there are also evident signs of the looming feeling in her guilt. Particularly feeling good about having sex.

Oh no, shit.

There go her thoughts consumed with her bad view of sex. 

She felt disgusted with herself. 

The shame takes over her, suddenly feeling insecure and inadequate. Her exposed body felt embarrassing, this is wrong. Yule thinks she’s doing something horribly wrong. Even so, she can’t pinpoint what is at fault really…  But still!   Maybe I am just using him, taking advantage of him with my body.

Before anything else, she is a virgin, and this is so wrong taking this ounce of opportunity to taint that. But I also want it?

She zones out, feeling out of it as much as his touch is nowhere out of her personal space.

Still, the feeling floods over her like liquid lead. Her consciousness and lucidity are leaking out of her bit by bit.

Crap.

“Yule? Are you okay?”  Vyn sounded muffled to her.

The heavy breathing turned more appalling on her end as she felt a familiar enclosed tightness around her chest. It’s anything but pleasurable.

They are cut short of the pre-intercourse the same as her breath.

“Doc… Richter, stop, let’s…” her breathing is a clear sign for Vyn to halt any of their acts progressing. He’s quick to break free and observe.

A blatant sign of a panic attack.

“ Breathe in…  catch your breath, properly now.” Vyn’s voice is slow and coherent.

One would be quick not to question the source, even ask about the trigger. But even Yule is ashamed of her helpless, vulnerable state at the moment.

She can’t even look Vyn in the eye.

With his intensity and slight hesitancy to hold and comfort her, Yule predicts she would melt at his touch.

It was worry,  and somehow it had more effect on her than the darkened orbs of lust he showed earlier.

She felt a pang in her chest.

Also, her intrusive thoughts and aching core left unsatiated. Her selfishness also crept in, though this is the most inappropriate time to have such indecent thoughts despite  being in the obscene act itself.

But it’s more shameful and  such a waste  they didn’t even reach that point.

Instead, something like this happened, with him tending to her and being a burden–

Why did she let such a chance slip away?

It kept overplaying in her head, although it wasn’t a full-blown panic attack– it was still leading up to that point. But that made her scrunch up into a ball more, closing her walls completely after closing the gap between them.

Yule tries to tap back into her system, even after all that… his touch still lingers in her skin as if she’s still in that present moment. His weight on hers still feels tangible. But the actual weight of the situation and consequence of delving into intimacy further, there and now—

It scared the crap out of her.

Everything makes it more guilty, turning her soft and yet,  wet  in her core. She wouldn’t admit that, not openly.  Fuck…

This is supposed to be like a crush in high school… But his effect on her ought to make a lady out of her.

Why did it have to be the perfect timing they were supposed to do  it?

It was awkward after he was about to insert his erection into her drenched core. Although, looking back it’s drenching her more with sweat and distress. 

How is it he’s still accommodating to ease her throughout the night, when she's the one who needs to make up for what she did? Or more on, lack there of?

-

A bit after the incident, Yule apologizes to Vyn for acting in such an embarrassing way during their last meeting.

The flush on her face still aches on how  cringe  or revolting it was replaying in her head. She can’t assess the situation objectively as she can’t even look at him directly.

He’s just quiet across her, opposite to her difficulty to contain her frantic body language.

Vyn sips into his cup, his face is solemn. “It is fine, I am fit to assess such situations.”

But she's still ashamed as fuck of what happened! 

She could only muster up an  “okay”  even if she was far from being fine, lowering her head. 

Yule wanted to go, especially on the way she acted, messy and disoriented. The pensive look of the silver-haired male in front of her made her more disarray with her thoughts.

Being back in his household feels sacrilegious after such events.

Do I even have a right to be in his presence?

The calm demeanor he portrays across her seat answers her unease, more so the softness of his urgency. “No use beating yourself up, come on, the tea is getting cold. The sweetness of the cake may help ease you up.”

Why is he still doing such nice things,  still?

“I would like to apologize as well, I may have gone too fast at your pace,” Vyn says, now there is an evident flush across his pale skin, much opaque but enough to see a difference in his expression. He sighs a deep intake of breath but stops it for sounding heavy. Along with his ever-growing… emotions.

He was driven by irrationality as if he's lost some sense of control that night. 

It was evident, even until now, they are both feeling the tension, but on her end, the shame and anxiety, and embarrassment eat her up more.

With Vyn, it’s unclear, but it’s faintly implied that there’s tension. He’s still out to tackle and satiate both of them, and pick up where they both left off.

Only then when she’s fine and ready.

“I-I want to as well but I don't know what's up with my body.” Yule is pertaining more to the sudden ‘attack’. And this rotten brain of hers.  She also got it checked on her previous therapy sessions, but it immensely bothers her still… She worries over her lips. “I also got a bit ahead with my alcohol that night, but even without the alcohol, I can affirm that I do like you still.”

Her bravery took him back.

Vyn’s lips curled upwards, finding her eyes to magnetize it back into his, then says. “Can we admit that we are attracted to each other to that certain extent?”

Too soon.

But…

Yule worries her lower lips more.  I have been feeling the tension lingering for some quite time now.

At least she's getting better at noticing the signals.

But she's still embarrassed.

“I can say it's reciprocal,” she affirms. The sudden gust of the wind blows the smell of the flowers spread out in his garden, the smell of the pastry and tea reigns back their flavor, blending into their space.

“So what now?”  She’s surprised herself for the lack of stutter saying that. Confusion mulled over her, panicked at his warmth remaining at arm's length.

“That is also up to you where you would want this to go, Miss Yule. I am interested in you.” His honesty made her retract.

Yule is overwhelmed as a myriad of thoughts domino over her. She’s growing more and more panicked as the man in front of her is still willing to face her after such inconveniences.  Most throw me out.

He even made time to meet up and spare his time to invite her over for tea after. 

So how is it that he’s willing to even bother to look at her?

“I don't want to lean in too much on you.” she croaked, the anxiety obvious on taking the weight on her sullen face.

Vyn’s face in contrast deflects her agitation. 

“Of course, I wouldn't want you to be overly dependent, but I would be by your side to accompany you, alright?”

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[yutasbimil]

Anomaly

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (3/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort cw: heavy on the (self) angst; mental anguish; mentions of anxiety and depression // smut is moved again, oops + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 3.5k

part 1 | part 2 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2023)

cont.

With all that she's going through right now, Yule knows this is beyond 'normal' or expected of a person. Also, with her views and treatment towards herself, she ought to know that her state turned brittle with little to no regard she feels towards greatness.

She deserves more. But she can't quite get there yet to love herself again. No wonder she feels disquieted, she's her own immense pressure crushing her.

She's not able to breathe freely since.

It has been the third night in a row she's struck awake so suddenly.

It's as if hairs are directly plucked out of her skin all at once, the exchange still lingers on her mind. But his “nice” treatment irked her the most. She’s not used to being attended to, nor brought any interest– his level of keen engulf-ness towards her was unsettling.

No one ever looked at me like that with such focus or care.

But she likes it.

To be frank, she’s scared. Like, is she able to handle this? 

For most of her life, her belief is that she’s too much of a mess to keep her relationships intact. That’s what her mother always says. That’s her warning. It’s too painful. All men are pricks. She wouldn’t even be able to maintain responsibilities as she’s helpless as fuck. And it’s always her who has a hell of a personality.

Although, as “awful” as she absolutely is, she’s expected to be a ‘good girl’.

She feels disoriented, she’s neglected most of her time. You shouldn’t do this. You shouldn’t be like that– She’s been warned and reprimanded when she’s showing behavior that dismays them, but they’re showing and doing said ‘bad actions’ as well? 

She’s confused.

Yule felt her throat dry, itching for some hydration. The sign of pools of sweat alarmed her to wash off her night terrors.

Her mess of hair reflects what she's going through internally.

Yule recently just moved to Stellis.

She’s not used to the silence of the space. The neat array of items also makes her more disoriented. She’s used to chaos.

Although now, she’s breathing more properly as she’s not much strangled by the shackles of her household. However, she wasn’t ready for the gravity of how it was heavier and bringing her down this much.

The burden of not living on the same roof anymore, makes her feel more lost and disarray.

Its effects remain consistent and persistent.

The sound of the door ringing signaled her senses awake back to reality. A package that she would take in a bit. Her mind shifts again. Add more as her eyes crossed the envelope mocking her line of sight at the kitchen table. Her results just came from her previous clinic, and she requested a physical copy of the psychological assessment. (In case she goes berserk, she can quickly burn them). It seems expected that the words bear weight, despite her previous assumption.

She’s diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

“Figures,” she whispered as if with contempt.

She almost tossed the contents back to her desk to make space for her preparing breakfast despite her lack of appetite.

Also with last time, she's pushing people away as much as she's growing attached. She’s quick to erase people off her life at one slip up, or more on directing the blame onto herself when she fucks up. Even almost turning down every opportunity that comes her way now that she's living independently.

What's wrong with me?

At least now the answer slowly unfolds itself to her up front.

Nevertheless, it's still quite difficult to swallow, it’s quicker to swallow her whole first than her comprehending any of this.

-

She’s late on their appointment, or to say their ‘date’. Yule still can’t seem to accept they’re dating, although starting it slow.

“I'm sorry, Dr. Ritcher.” she huffs, and then sits in her usual space in the tranquil garden of Vyn’s house. She drifts back to her thoughts of this morning, throat dry making it all harder to sink into her system the fact she has a disorder. No amount of water can quench the desert of her discovery. 

This should be an easy step after knowing.

Her case is mild so to say, she’s fine on the fact she’s still keeping her close relationships intact as other cases have it worse.

Like her case, it's a good thing, by the looks of it, and she's managing.

But it can't erase the fact that she's having a difficult time.

Yule just gawks, staring into space and Vyn had noticed her presence elsewhere for the last minute.

“You're okay?” Vyn’s low voice snaps her out of her dissociating state. “You haven't touched much of the sponge cake I made.”

Was it served too sweet? Vyn ponders as he retastes his portion.

“It's exquisite actually.” Yule is nimble to regain her ‘usual’ persona, it seems convincing as her avoidance was unnoticed. The cream on her face stole the spotlight. 

“You've got cream by your—”

“Oh, I'll get it,” she’s quick to beat Vyn ahead to wipe it off, blushing as Vyn chuckles at her timidness.

She took this chance to ask him, blurting out the thoughts that have been occupying her.

“What would you do if your loved one got diagnosed with a mental disorder?” 

“As if they have any other choice as well?” Vyn voiced, concern visible in his tone.

She flushed. 

Right, it's his job.

“It's just… what if they did you wrong and is a horrible person, would you leave them?” Yule conceded. It sounded all concluded and sorted out, with no means of being refuted. 

Vyn had to look at her directly to check on her expression. It was troubled.

“Not everything is black and white.” Vyn prompts, though, he pauses to articulate his thoughts more. His tone sounded a tad bit reprimanding. “That depends on the whole picture for me to properly assess and answer your question, dear.”

That’s another way to put it.

Yule is so used to thinking of people as ‘absolute’; good and bad. And that of course leads to a disastrous way of thinking.

Though, this was only as of recently. She ponders more.

On Vyn’s end, he tries to objectively view her behavior just now. By the looks of it, it is also safe to convey his view and what he ought to respond to in these instances.

It should be pointed out that people can make mistakes and not everything could be perfect. Not everything could be easily tossed away just because it has some shortcomings. Falling short does not equate to inadequacy. One can have lapses of discrepancies and surges of outbursts. But that does not make them a completely horrible person.

She could only explain it at a surface level for now though.

“I thought at first, it's "mere" Impostor Syndrome when the underlying problems stem from something greater, also this may be the price of being a ‘perfectionist’.” She manages to vent out, her body language helps her express her distress. 

Vyn unconsciously mirrors the state she is in momentarily.

“I'll say the same thing for myself as I oftentimes still have left judgment in that regard.” Vyn implored, intriguing the person he was conversing to to further elaborate.

He seems so well put together, with no neurosis, whatsoever. A sound-minded person, unlike me–

Yule still can’t comprehend such displays of tolerance. “Why so?”

“Of course, if I happen to care for them, I'll try to stay by them and understand their complexities to the best of my ability,” he responds, though the slump in his shoulders broads beyond what he’s trying to convey at the moment. “If it was a year ago, I'd say it differently…”

Yule finds it familiar, as if déjà vu. 

“Rosa said the same thing, are those her words?” She waits momentarily for him to nod before she speaks again. “Working in the legal field does open you a lot.”

“I don't think that's the case.” Vyn postulated, his fingers meeting his lips as he spoke. “It's how we're raised as well that gave us this factor…”

“Hmmm…?”

It was more thought out loud, but it’s also out of character for him to utter out unconsciously. A Freudian slip.

“Nothing.”

The hesitance was evident minutes ago. As if they’re tiptoeing on what’s supposed to be laid out for the moment, but they’re sure they’re not ready to open up the shadows and etches of the past just yet.

But the tone they deliver gave them a glimpse of both their past. They may be a bit similar in that aspect.

“Is anything wrong, Yule?” Vyn tries to stir back on their supposed route of conversation. Yule heaves in a breath, as in fact, there are many things wrong in her head at this very instance. She just picks honesty to guide her through this.

“Do you happen to know anyone?” She starts out slow with her speaking. “Or residing here at Stellis where… I could get treatment?”

Vyn’s eyes are dilated for a moment before turning distant to think.

“Why can't you choose me though?” Vyn blunts.

“We… we know each other, Vyn,” Yule responds, stating the obvious, but also the fright it gives on violating such ethics in the field.

“Right…” Vyn replies dryly, as if already expecting a response from his intended error. It was indeed bad humor. Though, it isn't like him to let a detail like that slip off his mind.

“And…”

“And?” Vyn’s eyebrow perked up at her.

“It's against the ethics and protocols if you know, or happen to be falling for your psychiatrist— Horney?”

“Pardon?” Vyn blinks, (he heard it differently), unsure as he turns to her again for confirmation. “Hmmm?”

“Uhm no, I don't want the same case with her and Fromm.” Yule clarifies, it then clicked a familiar content atop Vyn’s head.

Before he could add anything else, Yule cuts short his curiosity and advances to ever create a teasing atmosphere. 

“Do not give any mind to what I am saying, Dr. Richter.” she ends the topic there.

Vyn just chuckles, he just picks to put a different cake on her plate, smiling. “Okay, focus back on eating. Find another time to compose yourself. By then you can give me the needed documents sometime soon so I can easily refer you.”

Yule sighs, finally able to feel the sweetness of the cake he baked seep over her. “Thank you so much, Vyn.”

"There’s just some distinct smell in hotels I can easily tell." Yule pauses as her eyes darkened scanning through the area. The apparent smell of the casino is filled with smoke in the air. It still tingles her nose as they pass by.

The smell of mixed lemon and ginger filled her senses, it made her itch to the skin.

She and her family almost always check in her teenage years, more on their background and her privileged godmother who almost always seemed to have an extra room to spare for them to stay in distinguished hotels. 

And all that went down the drain, the same as the  crap-ton  of bile that used to be in her system. Depression almost always kills her mood at that time along with the mundane, shallow atmosphere. This is all at naught.

All is not worth it with the cold feet and sleepless nights as she's not comfortable sleeping that's not her own bed.

“You’re quite accustomed to it?” Marius asks, turning her back into reality.

“More on familiarized enough…” she heavily sighs, the exorbitant glamour of the displays almost blinds her, even grazing over it feels burning to the touch. All this, she’s willing to give up for peace of mind.

Or at least she already let go of the moment she moved here at Stellis.

Though, of course, the past can still creep in ways unexpected. Its traces cannot be easily removed, much like a trailblazer, and it can consume one’s senses, going through your memories uninvited. It rummages unwanted thoughts.

It reminded her of the time she spent being hung up on a person. It was truly a dark time for her back then.

The topic shifted as they changed selections on branded bags. Yule merely drifts off with her story. “And now he’s famous, too far for my reach…”

Of course, Marius being Marius, he’s getting cocky. 

"Maybe I can contact them?" he starts. Even going along patting his pants pocket for his phone as an easy access. 

She snickered at the taller male. "You're only saying that to ease me." She moves through another display of leather belts, her eyes shifted to an array of colored ties, the hues reminded her of her bleak past. "He doesn't even know me to begin with." Her tone was as muted as the peacock blue accents of the tie.

I didn’t let myself known to him, thinking highly of him as out of my league. 

"Is this different from the previous one you mentioned to me in class?" Marius confirms, eyes elsewhere on the male accessories, he’s looking for a more… lighter, more appealing blush sheen to be given as a gift. 

Yule hums, following along in his stead. "Yes. Again, it's not worth it as they don't even know me." she clarifies, emphasizing for him to no longer bring too much effort into talking about this matter. 

"So? You don’t know the power of von Hagens…"

"Bro,  I do know  but I won’t abuse it… besides that was  years  ago…" Yule brushes off his offer once again, her voice fades the same as the faded colors they’re looking at, a wide variation of bags.

“And the one I mentioned back then… She now has someone,  she’s… " Yule looks at the baby shoes in the aisle across theirs. The immense pressure kicks in on the present day, of milestones or supposed achievements in her age. 

‘I’m unemployed, didn’t even bother taking boards, just starting my master's studies, now as alone as the big whale in the vast ocean.

I feel I could be eaten alive by the harsh reality anytime.’

Yule swallows as it stacked more and more on her seemingly empty list in her head.

She redirects her focus, now eyes locked gazing at a  Coach  bag, comparing it to the mint with hints of yellow accents… Yule feels a tinge of guilt, reminded of someone. 

But she feels blown away by the presence near her, she further sees the gap between them.

“Stop moping around and I’ll get that for you.” Marius notices her empty glances, he is quick to swift his hands to gesture to the sales clerk.

Before she could refuse, he already called the lady.

Yule glared, hissing sharply, almost in a whisper. Attempting to hide her flared cheeks behind her hand, she leans into the navy blue-haired man. “Marius von Hagen, don't you dare!”

This doesn’t even reach half of her paycheck tuition to grad school!— Yule torments over the flashy price tag.

“You and Rosa really are friends, come on, don’t be shy.” Marius doesn’t have a hint of  remorse  in his cheeky face, it’s as rosy as the thought of the  Rose  he had in mind.

“How easy for you to say that with a straight face to an ordinary person like me?” Yule rolls her eyes, mocking as if on the verge to faint (she will if she were to pay this here and now).

Marius brushes his fingernails, riding along her humor. “What can you do? You’re friends with a celebrity.”

“I’m constantly reminded, thanks.”

So smug, so full of himself but she can’t help but be bashful keeping her mouth shut. 

Yule holds back her timidness. She could only sigh in defeat. “Make sure to contact me if you need anything, not that your connections aren't as sparse and vast already…”

“I’ll just need help with Rosa,” he says, diverted with his focus as he found a bag he had in mind. As if on cue, he lifted a rose-embroidered bag.

“Oh wow, it’s as if you aren’t making progress already in sweeping her off her feet.”

Marius looked at Yule, shocked as if any reciprocal interest wasn’t shown to him. But her wide-eyed expression is more on slipping a  vital secret.  She’s still left mouth agape, to herself like: Gurl, oh shit!  She might’ve said something she shouldn’t.

“That is valuable information—  important  for you to keep it a secret,” she gestures a  zip your mouth  at him, distancing herself now. She could only cling to her life, as seen clearly by how she’s clinging too much to the bag.

“Also, she kept that picture you did of her in her room?”  No, not another slip-up—  she continues salvaging the conversation. “Maybe a painted customized bag instead. I think that is what she’ll appreciate a ton  loads  especially how  “every brush stroke is filled with your feelings”  or whatever you artists try to encapsulate…” Yule brushes it off casually,  ‘barely satisfactorily successful’  if she may add. But her mind is then weighted by something else seeing her reflection.

Man, the gap suddenly pressured her.  Rich ass money.

As much as she’s trying her best, knowing they’re at a similar age, she's older than him even (same age as Rosa), yet he has a lot achieved already, considering he’s talented af outside of his responsibilities.

Yule stops herself there from further spiraling, breathing in, she pulls herself together.

No,  it disregards his effort, and his background on how separate that is.

Now she has too much freedom thinking all of this now independent and alone, far from her hometown and family. From everything else holding her back.

It is peaceful in comparison.

The comfort of daily life, and considering she also cut her connections… to nothing.

But at what cost? Crap, her pride is even eating her up to ask for help in finding a job. Again, even the connections all got cut. All her damn resources.  Nothing.

Alas, one cannot eat pride.

She can at least bite her tongue not to spur sarcasm at this dude. Riches and all, he's still as normal of a guy, annoying even.

Yule could only swallow further with her much-held pride with the next words that came off his mouth.

"Vincent just informed me. Wait tomorrow morning or so, you'd have a call interview coming up." Marius stated, quickly putting back his phone in his pocket. She’s been trailing off for the last minute, they’re already walking out of the shop. 

As if at cue, Yule's phone buzzed, indicating an email of the job offer. She has been waiting for a vacancy at any of the von Hagen's businesses. And as much as it was a joke, she knew he's got too much on his plate to even accommodate her, let alone give her a favor in the likes of her. She can't believe he even remembered that minor mention of her job hunting.

So it was a genuine reaction, eyes popping out of surprise as she almost tackled him in gratitude.

"You’re a lifesaver, Sir von Hagen." Yule tries to suppress her mirth. She handshakes firmly instead. She almost hugged him out of glee but it isn't appropriate out in the public eye. She repeatedly bows as Marius shakes his head with a feeble smile.

This means a lot to her, especially as she's starting from scratch.

She’s fucking glad she made friends with his dude. But more on witnessing the push and pull with Rosa, they’re as amusing as watching a Korean drama. Yule keeps a giggle to herself.

"Oh, come on, don’t treat me like I’m a saint." Marius brows perk at the title, waving his hands side to side. "And Vincent took great care of background checking you, I think you've got lots to offer me instead."

"Of course, none of that would slip by you, huh?" She kept a small smile to herself. Her family is known in the business industry, and although not like any of the top-rated ones, it sells well.

Marius gave her a keen look before settling into a nod. Best not to question her further.

"If ever you don't pass, I'll have a list of openings that are hiring, I'm sure one of them would best fit you. Though, HR Assistant best suits you, hmmm?"

Saying as if he's sure she doesn't need to although, just in case. She appreciates his helpfulness, she won't take any of it for granted.

"I wouldn't even face you if I failed any of this, Marius."

"So you better not." He even shots her an encouraging grin.

Finally, none of his overconfidence.

Though, she takes it as a compliment and warmth in her chest as he's able to be this cheeky around her. They both know they've had enough of the CEO mask crap he's putting up 24/7. It might be a similar and close age, but at the end of the day, Yule sees where Rosa is coming from. Marius is Marius.

※ my masterlist | #enjeiwrites ※

[yutasbimil]

masterlist

; here's a smol masterlist of me writing once in a blue moon

| elle/nj (she/her) | 20+ | aquarius |

ao3: enjeiwrites | Ko-fi ♡ support me!

kpop

bangtan; bts

suga

"give it now" ; one-shot fic { nsfw ! }

fluff, smut; suga x fem!reader

✧

neoculture; nct

yuta

"to the bone" ; one-shot fic { nsfw ! }

fluff, smut; yuta x fem!reader

-

jaemin

"inhibit" ; one-shot fic { nsfw ! }

fluff, smut; jaemin x fem!reader

+ ft. mark

"intimidating" ; one-shot fic { nsfw ! }

fluff, smut; jaemin x fem!reader x mark

✧

seventeen; svt

woozi

first time series { nsfw ! } ✔

fluff, smut; woozi x fem!reader

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

+

"raincheck" ; one-shot fic

fluff, hogwarts!au; woozi x fem!reader

✧

tomorrow x together; txt

beomgyu

"ride with you" ; one-shot fic

fluff, frenemies!au; beomgyu x fem!reader

anime; others

haikyuu!

kenma

flushed series { nsfw ! }

fluff, smut; kenma x fem!oc

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 (planning…[?])

✦ each can be stand-alone fics! c:

-

asahi

"sleepyhead" ; one-shot fic { nsfw ! }

fluff, smut; asahi x fem!oc

+

"safe word" ; one-shot short fic

fluff, hurt/comfort; asahi x fem!oc

✧

tears of themis

vyn richter

paradox series { sfw -> nsfw ! } ✔

part 1 (fluff) | part 2 (pre-smut) | part 3 (hurt/comfort) | part 4 (self-angst) | part 5 (hurt/comfort; smut) | part 6 (fluff, smut) | part 7 (angst; hurt/comfort) | part 8 (hurt/comfort) ♡︎

fluff, angst, eventual smut; vyn x fem!oc

✦ upcoming . . .

possible oikawaAAAA

"!!!" nekoma* exp.

svt; dk + ww