#neurodivergent insomnia

[autismcultureis]

Autism culture is getting up in the middle of the night to soak and file your feet because the sensory experience of your calloused heels finally made you boil over and you are not going to get any more sleep until you do something about them.

!!

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autism and Being Constantly Exhausted

Neurodivergent_lou

[spellscarred]

An Autistic Poll For Personal and Professional Research

I work in mental health, and a topic was touched upon, while talking to my other autistic friend, that I'm interested in and I never really properly thought about or looked into. The question I want to find an answer to is as follows:

As an autistic person (professional- or self-dx), do you have a certain bed time you have to adhere to or risk insomnia symptoms such as not being able to sleep or unable to sleep through a night (waking up every x amount of hours)?

Please reblog so I can reach a wider sample size, if you will! (Yes, allistic people can reblog as well.) Feel free to discuss or share in the replies or in tags.

[italiantea]

[incognito-liger]

Stayed up late watching one of my favourite shows. Felt nice and comfy. Had some snacks and tea. Forced myself to go to bed to get some sleep, I’ve been so tired lately. Got under the covers, realized how much everything hurts, so now instead of staying up having a cozy watching marathon, I’m laying awake staring at the ceiling with painsomnia. As soon as the distractions are gone, the pain hits me all at once. What’s the point trying to fall sleep at all…? I know I’ll wake up just as tired. I try to listen to a podcast. Maybe it will lull me to sleep. This has gone on for weeks now. Longest flare-up period in a while. I got sick about a month ago and thought I’d recover fairly okay. Didn’t. Can’t catch a break in other areas of life either rn. I’m so tired. Maybe I’ll open my laptop again in a couple of hours if I can’t sleep. The sun is already up. I would like to not be.

[ticklace]

Shout-out to my chronically and/or mentally ill friends who are sensitive to shifts in meal & sleep schedules and had their routine shot to hell by the time change today.

One hour's difference isn't a trivial thing. Please be gentle with yourself this week.

Some helpful routine-recalibration things I've collected from various friends and nurses, in case they might be helpful to anyone else:

If you take medications at exactly the same times every day, be aware that your body might need to get used to the shift.

Don't be afraid to bring some extra snacks with you to work/class if you can. (this doesn't just help with delayed mealtimes - sleep schedule disruptions can also really throw your blood sugar out of whack so keeping it steady is important)

Drink lots of water.

Keep your support network close.

If you suddenly feel unbearably shitty, maybe eat a snack.

Sunlight is good for re-calibrating your circadian rhythm. Fresh autumn air is good for just about everything.

Please please please try to resist the temptation to doomscroll this week. (USA, I'm looking at you.)

Most of all, please give yourself plenty of grace. I love you. You're doing so well. ❤️

[ghostlyboysstories]

For everyone who doesn’t know, I’m Audhd and sometimes the reason why i don’t respond right away is because I’m trying to think of a way to respond to you that doesn’t sound dry, sarcastic, or rude. A lot of people have mistaken genuine compliments as sarcasm and it physically pains me.

[sunlightfeeling]

ADHD is all about being up at 3 in the morning listening to Live While We’re Young by One Direction while making gifs, right? ☺️

……

…r-right?? 😔

[neuroticboyfriend]

i know a lot of us knock meditation because we're constantly told to use it in a very dismissive way, but seriously, it can help - if you do it right. i didn't do it for the longest time, because i'd tried it before and it didn't really work out. but i didn't realize, i just wasn't doing the right kind of meditation for me.

imagination-heavy meditations tended to just make my mind run; i'd get caught up on every detail and think too hard about it. ones that focus a lot on breathing just distressed me. but i found Progressive Muscle Relaxation - and a specific hyponsis-style one by Sleep Cove is what's helped me most (check other platforms for it if you dont use spotify.

with this one, there are still imaginative elements (simple ones), and a few deep breaths. but the majority of it is well - you literally can just lay there and listen to his voice. don't think too hard about it - and as he says, "don't worry about getting it right." all you need to do is be open to what he's saying, as he guides you through relaxing your body.

there's no thinking involved, and for someone as anxious and mentally hyperactive as me, having someone to literally do the thinking for me is immensely calming. i never realized how much anxious tension my body holds, and even when it doesn't get me sleeping, i'm still calm - for once.

so yeah. it's okay to do what helps you, it's okay to be open to things. what ableist assholes say shouldn't have bearing on you finding coping mechanisms that work, and obviously, it's completely okay if meditation doesn't help you. we're all different, and sometimes figuring out what's best for us is trial and error. that's ok. just do your best, and be kind to yourself.

[illogicalramblings]

May 7th 2024 6:42am

This insomnia is killing me. My sleep is always all over the place but now that I interact with other humans a few days of each week I'd like it to be less unpredictable. Sometimes I don't sleep, sometimes I sleep too much. I'm also nocturnal so that makes things interesting as well.

I found myself watching a show I stopped watching in 2020. I feel guilty because ACAB and I know that. I actually started to call out the shitty stuff being done. Note that I say it out loud to my cat....she doesn't give a shit. At first I just chalked it up to needing something I had seen before so that I didn't get too enthralled. Things were chaotic and I wasn't sure when I'd need to leave town (family stuff). But, when watching I found that I might be watching because of a certain character. She cares deeply for people and comforts those that need it and tries to help them. I never really felt comforted by my Mom and I guess that's a big reason I've been watching.

In lighter news, my Mom posted a recent pic of herself and I and a friend of hers called me a "handsome young man." I'm nonbinary (possibly agender). Masc leaning presentation I guess. Mainly to counteract the constant assumptions that I'm a woman. So to have someone see me as something other than a woman is rather euphoric.

Anyway, those are my current thoughts.

[we-are-the-memers-mr]

[i-may-be-an-emu]

I wish that places were open at night. Like not just 24 hour fast food places and cinemas that are open late, actual restaurants, shops, schools and unis and mechanics and like ice cream shops and libraries and just everything. Everything is better at night like i want to be nocturnal and we should round up all the people who also love the night time and hate the day time and make a city of nocturnal people. Like wow that would be fun.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

ADHD Guide: Insomnia & Revenge Bedtime Procrastination

Future ADHD

[adaptive-dragonet]

Living without dread 24/7 has changed my fucking LIFE. I cannot emphasize how much dread fucked me up when it was practically the only feeling I had for weeks on end. I didn’t take care of myself, I just avoided my thoughts with mind-numbing mobile games or created an artificial moodscape with music. I didn’t sleep so tomorrow wouldn’t come. I couldn’t sleep without meds and music.

It was so hard to do the actual things I was dreading bc of my undiagnosed ADHD and being pushed to do things the neurotypical way was getting me a few squares backwards. My procrastination was at an all-time high because chipping away at the insurmountable pile of things was like wallowing in undiluted dread that I could be blocking out. People said “You just gotta buckle down” and I’d mentally shoot back “Into an emotional breakdown? Work smarter not harder.”

Then my lil brother got diagnosed with ADHD and my mom was doing a ton of research on how to work with his brain. She showed me a site that described various types of ADHD, and how it’s typically different in women vs. little boys. Always ready to plunge into a rabbit hole, I read up a bunch on it myself (something was resonating with me, which made me even more curious), and that made the YouTube algorithm reveal ADHD simulators and short films. “Wait… this isn’t how normal people think??”

Then I started trying more ways people with ADHD did things. I switched between the things on my to-do list every 5-15 minutes to keep my brain fresh. I celebrated every step towards finishing something instead of comparing it to what I had left. I listened to music or did a nonmental task at the same time as my more tedious homework, often both. I drank coffee whenever I needed adrenaline for a few minutes, instead of just to keep myself awake in the morning. Etc.

And it was sloppy and inefficient at FIRST, when I was still being clumsy with myself. But then as I started paying more attention to where my brain was at and what would make it get in the gear I needed, things started getting done. The only problem was dread had long since been a cemented habit. Even now that things were doable since I had the tools, I procrastinated and numbed my mind and feared that each assignment could take an hour of unproductive struggling with myself.

And then something came up and my parents and I had beef with my school, and they started homeschooling me again. My socially starved side was devastated, but between co-op and a couple other arrangements, that was taken care of. After a few weeks, I’ve realized… with the total change of system, my habitual dread isn’t triggered anymore!

I can sleep and wake up rested??! I can feel hunger?!? I can CARE ABOUT THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY?!!

Guys.

This is the best transition for my mental health EVER.

I had NO IDEA that the amount of dread I was feeling wasn't normal, until I didn't have it anymore.

THIS IS CRAZY :D

[fourteendaysinaweek]

Man adhd insomnia is fucking wild.

I've been trying to sleep for 3 hours. Grabbed my phone to make an appointment with my doctor to talk about my insomnia, ended up getting distracted and scrolling pinterest, then got up and did some art, laid back in bed, and I still haven't made the fucking appointment

It's now past midnight.

I need to wake up at 5.