#that’s why i don’t respond sometimes
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For everyone who doesn’t know, I’m Audhd and sometimes the reason why i don’t respond right away is because I’m trying to think of a way to respond to you that doesn’t sound dry, sarcastic, or rude. A lot of people have mistaken genuine compliments as sarcasm and it physically pains me.
#writer stuff#writers and poets#writers on tumblr#writerscommunity#writblr#writeblr#writer things#writing#writerscreed#writerscorner#actually audhd#like diagnosed#because my parents said that i was neurodivergent at a young age#and my pediatrician was like nah fam#but then i got evaluated and diagnosed#and what do you know I’m actually audhd#i wasn’t just faking social anxiety and sensory issues and hyper fixations and insomnia#wow what a shock(sarcasm)#but yeah#that’s why i don’t respond sometimes#*sweats in social disaster mode*#twenty four seven#three sixty five
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I love how neferiously hugh laurie delivered his lines in that 5x1 scene where house is blackmailing wilson. because the dialogue could’ve been conveyed in a manner that was obviously facetious and unserious (like the way RSL was playing the scene: “You’d jeopardise a patient—? 😒🙄) but he literally chose to go “If it keeps you here😈👹” in the most deadass, diabolical tone. so the result is that we have house sounding like a genuine psychopath as he threatens to let a woman die and then wilson proving he’s an even BIGGER one by responding with, like, mild exasperation at best. 10/10 dynamic no notes
#I know I yap about this 24/7 but I can’t get over it#I feel like the actors being on such wildly different wavelengths when it comes to hilson is what makes it so REAL#barring the true angst of the early seasons#they’re in different genres altogether sometimes. chef’s kiss#house will say something in a way that is honest to god giving dark romance#and then wilson responds with the air of bugs bunny#and that’s the essence of their characters and relationship as a whole#and probably why they’ve been trapped in a game of gay chicken for 20 years#house md#hilson#house/wilson#greg house#gregory house#james wilson#hatecrimes md#does this make grammatical sense? I am running on redbull adderall and 2 hours of sleep so I truly have no clue#and by grammatical sense I mean tumblr-wise of course#is it coherent? should be the question#actually don’t tell me. ion wanna know
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smoking that shit that makes cheddar so cheese
Man I wish that was me. Care to share bro?
#sapphoanswers#Why don’t you just make these posts? Idk what im supposed to respond to this.#My dick isn’t as big as yours I can only be funny when I set the joke up and sometimes on Tuesdays#Woophing
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I just saw how much asks I haven’t answered… Please don��t think I don’t love yall. I literally have moments where I answer in my head and completely forget or I just don’t know how to respond. I suck😭🙏🏾
Most of them look like they’re during shows and events and I’m too busy screaming my opinions and jumping in front of the tv💀
#sometimes I get too overwhelmed to respond and it’s like why am I like this???#anyways yeah I love yall don’t think I ignore on purpose😭🫶🏽
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i hate when my parents make me speak to them directly about what i want
#marzi speaks#it’s BETTER that i DO THAT but ALSO . i don’t wannaaaa why can’t i just hint sometimes . i know they know what i mean#i was hungry and my parents just finished their movie#so i come out to the living room#my dad asks if i just woke up from a nap or smth bc i’m visibly tired#i go ‘no just hungry. n we don’t have a lot of food in the house rn :/‘ (<- simply stating a fact)#and he goes ‘are you asking to order?’#to which i respond ‘not necessarily. are you offering to order?’#and he says ‘i’m not offering. are you asking?’ BITCH .#so of course i just go ‘i’m just here’ and put my head in my arms bc i genuinely am Tired#AND THEN THE CONVERSATION WAS OVER#MOTHERFUCKER .#i would have said ‘yes i am asking’ BUT !!! if i did then i’d have to pick what to eat#and i . am less craving smth in particular and more just hungry#so . i was /hoping/ he would suggest something. but he Didn’t .#gwaaahh…..
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man…
#it’s hard not to hate yourself when you’re constantly getting in your own way#and it’s shit that’s entirely out of your control#why do i gotta be like this#why do i gotta function this way#i love being queer but god damn it it’s confusing and frustrating sometimes#really confusing when my brain positively responds to things that don’t align with how i see myself#aughhh
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I’m here in bed feeling a bit sick and I’ve let my mind wander to Michael Sheen when he was in Sydney AU 2022-2023 for the production of Amadeus.
I have mentioned before I got to see Michael every single day for over a month. He was rehearsing in my work building. Sydney Theatre Company/ Sydney Dance Company. I would typically get to talk to different actors/talent that would rehearse and have a production running but Michael being my favourite actor I think I actively avoided breaking that personal line except for when I got a photo with him.
However I wanted to share something with you about Michael Sheen’s reaction to something that happened to me. I can’t remember exactly why but I had a meltdown and my boss instructed me to go for a walk. I was hyper aware of Michael when he was in my vicinity and in what was probably just a morning for him getting his coffee, talking to peers listening to music but I felt so awkward that I was about to walk past Michael and he would see this snotty crying face who he might recognise as “that fan who asked for a selfie on my first day rehearsing” also I’m not saying I’m memorable but I was definitely someone he would’ve recognised as being in the space everyday a part of the furniture so to speak.
Anyway as I was nearing Michael he made eye contact with me and I know he saw I was crying because he gave me what can be described as an empathetic look followed by a gentle smile. Now I know there will be people who go “yeah right” and that’s totally fine, however being a fan of Michael you’re going to savour every bit of interaction. I did smile back but rushed out embarrassed.
But what’s very cringe and more embarrassing is the time I attempted to draw attention by playing the Manic Street Preachers song ‘if you tolerate this then your children will be next” I worked in venue management at the time so I got to control venue ambiance. That was so cringe. He didn’t notice, or noticed but chose not to acknowledge.
Michael Sheen had more conversations with my boss who tried to encourage him to do a ballet class cause he was watching some ballet students. He giggled and said that he wouldn’t be able to keep up. When my boss spoke to him I literally was so stunned that he got to talk to him like a normal person where I would have just stood there agape and probably did do whenever he was around.
I hope I get to see him in real life again. But I’m happy if that was the only time.
#michael sheen#welsh boy#welsh seduction machine#wales#i heart michael sheen#i can be so cringe sometimes#awkward Michael sheen fan#can anyone else relate#why do I work in the arts if the prospect of coming across famous people is likely#gotta keep it together#I hope people don’t respond negatively to this
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To be less rude about that anon, I have said quite a few times now that I will not be writing a milk fic
For one thing, it’s against my rules and I expect you as readers to respect that, but also the original creator of the milk fic is just all around Bad.
While I don’t think the actual contents of the milk fic are bad or problematic, I do not want my name associated with the milk fic, the writer, or their reputation.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying that sort of content, and I have absolutely no judgement in that regard, but it’s kinda not cool for people to continue asking after I’ve said no A Few Times Now
Consent is a big thing in a lot of my fics, and I expect you as readers to know that No Means No, not ask again later.
#I’m glad you like my writing and want to see certain fics in my writing style#but rewriting someone else’s work isn’t what I’m here for#especially when that work is inherently problematic#now obviously this is the all time low fandom we’re in#and some may argue writing fic at all is problematic#but that’s entirely seperate can of worms#I’m not the only one writing weird shit on the internet#so I don’t know why I keep getting asked this#maybe I’m the only one who responds to these anons#maybe the people who send these asks are just trying to cheat a reaction because I’m so haha silly#it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth that yall keep asking#I Said No#end post#neon answers#sort of#neon fanfic rules#sorry for being rude in my initial response#but I think some rudeness is deserved sometimes
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misery despair suffering etc etc
#purrs#delete later#two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before#but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought#of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t#text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or#whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i#wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was#more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me#and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who#you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have#all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry#to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post#that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to /#for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to#stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone#reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a#and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be#kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there#to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and#hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to#again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it#and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing.#idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to#post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want#anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual#people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try.#actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first
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i think i just crushed someone’s dreams whoops
#this is the Guy That Likes Me btw#he asked about my sexuality to which i said lots of words but summarised by saying i was basically unlabelled#then he was like ‘oh i’ve never been in a romantic relationship’#and i responded telling him about my year 7 ‘relationship’ where i was asked if i loved the guy (not The Guy) and i said i didn’t know#(i didn’t)#then i told him he wasn’t missing out on a romantic relationship cause sometimes they suck ass#to which he didn’t really respond#and then i told him that that’s probably because of the parents divorce#i think i’ve scared him off now i feel kinda bad#he’s been messaging me every day this week and i’ve just reduced his perception of the chance of me dating him immensely#(it wasn’t going to happen anyway but like. i still feel bad he’s like weird but he’s not mean and evil)#i’m planning to ask some inside sources about this on monday#again this does not need to be a tumblr post why do i keep doing this#oh well if you see this and especially if you don’t know me irl just go with it
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god this household is fucked
#i am TRYING to be a human being and express my boundaries and emotions in a calm matter#but whenever i do none of them respond. they just go quiet and the conversation ends#like i’m TRYING TO WORK WITH YOU#but everyone here is so emotionally stunted it’s impossible#txt#literally this conversation went:#me: i am frustrated and angry bc you don’t listen to my boundaries#my mom: but why are you frustrated and angry#me: because you don’t. listen to my boundaries (which are basically: let me have some silence sometimes and don’t force me to talk to you)#my mom: [doesnt respond]#like GREAT. thanks
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auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr
#okay I’m feeling Bad and I need to unpick why before I’ll be able to sleep#friend is asking abt lunch on Friday when I already have standing commitment w other friends then so I can’t do that.#but I also go home on Sunday and I can’t do shit until Friday bc work and I have plans on Saturday so I just. can’t see them#which. I guess makes things easier actually that’s not something I can control and I’m not changing existing plans that’s unfair#I’m also listening to a playlist of old music (Apple Music generated favourites — so literally random picked from everything I’ve ever done#and the last few songs have made me feel Bad bc of being associated with certain times but song playing rn is definitively a good song#w a good memory attached and it’s MY song not one of my old friends#okay where are we#I’m stressed abt presentation on Thursday but also a non issue. I’m prepared. I have all day tomorrow to practice and read up more#and then it’s 20 minutes on Thursday morning I’ll be done before 10am#I am. a little frustrated on a broader scale about the role I’m currently occupying#in that w a bunch of my friends I’m having to be the one with their shit together and dealing with their Stuff.#mostly in the way that I have to be putting in extra effort to tiptoe around them and steer stuff to keep them happy#i can do it i can do it easily I’ve just tasted not having to now so it’s. noticeably different having to do it more#i do Not have the words to talk abt this in the way I want to it’s so annoying#it’s like. I know how my friend responds to stuff. I know the things that make her anxious and what her instinctual responses will be#and I’m constantly having higher level thoughts planning out how things will go it’s effortless and constant it’s just There#with everyone all the time but sometimes I use it more and sometimes I have to because I’m in a position where if I don’t we’ll get nowhere#and I don’t like that I’m having to worry abt keeping other people happy while I’m talking to my friends it removes me a layer from stuff#hrm. there are broader questions here abt the utility of this bc like. sure it helps in some situations#but this probably isn’t great long term for either of us. wild. goddamn talking to my friend abt philosophy opened new parts of my brain#anyway I cba to have those thoughts rn! it’s midnight! I’m going to bed in half an hour <3#it’s honestly unfair that I have to do anything other than be gay and play pokemon#luke.txt#uaUrghrhfhjs I’m also being insane abt a guy. which is predictable and I feel stupid abt for multiple reasons but. here we are.#I’m being insane. and maybe I should be less mean to myself but I feel like I’m being insane.#I think! I need to go to bed!#I am not being insane I am having feelings and that is allowed. feelings are typically regarded as a pretty normal thing to have.#philosophy friend is gonna be so mad at me if anything comes of this but it’s fine and if it does I think I’ll be pretty happy anyway#point is I’m doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong and I’m allowed to feel whatever the hell I like. okay.
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It’s funny how some things can just instantly transport you back to the times you felt small and helpless. Getting iced and ignored in a group/ group chat. Struggling to understand something. Feeling lonely. Getting weird looks. Being laughed at. Suddenly I’m back in elementary school wondering why everyone picks on me, middle school wondering what’s wrong with me and why I can’t make friends, high school being pushed and shoved and ostracized. And I know I’m an adult now, and if people want to act immature and treat other people like garbage then it’s their loss not mine, but it always shocks me that for all of those things I repeat to myself, for my years of working on my self confidence and growth and understanding, how quickly I can be brought low from others. The little kid that felt like no one would ever care about them is still there somewhere. Realizing the struggle will never be over is depressing
#vent#bro this is why I don’t like servers with people I don’t know we’ll#*well#someone asked me a question bc they were interested in something I said and I responded with a slightly long message explaining#then for two hours there was just absolute silence in that channel. finally everyone just pretended the convo didn’t happen and moved on#edit: actually checked and it was almost four hours.#there is 95 members in that group chat#it’s so fucking stupid. it shouldn’t make me feel that way.#I feel like an over dramatic bitch feeling hurt from it#I was wondering why the hell I felt so down about it and couldn’t just move on and it occurred to me#that it was probably bc i haven’t exactly healed from that happening growing up#at least one of the reasons I mean#hell I’m grown and it STILL happens everywhere#and sometimes I just get so tired not knowing what I did to get that sort of response. I get so tired#at work someone summed me up to another person by saying I’m ‘pretty awkward but work hard’. I thought I got along w them pretty well#least I thought we were cool until he said that. made me realize that I was still too weird for him#the reason he likes me is just because I bust my ass trying to actually work. it’s not because of anything outside of that#I learned to be outgoing w my coworkers bc otherwise they project stuff onto me and speak for me#I still got the ‘you’re a little too quiet and don’t involve yourself with the group’ talk from my manager#i keep to myself. then I’m creepy and no one knows me well enough to care when I do speak#and then the moment I say more than two things I’m talking to much#realizing that the struggle never ends even outside of school fucking sucks man
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OH she’s gonna make me cry. you know when someone’s nice to you/Normal to you and it reminds you how people were not always normal to you in the past. yea. that.
#i don’t want to tell her about my Trauma rn it seems like a lot. but. wow#when i woke up i texted her “hi sorry i fell asleep” and she responded “why are you sorry? “#…because i’d be guilted in the past for not saying goodnight.#god they were so mean to me sometimes. just… a little unforgiving#no room for error.#but she gives me room for error. and not even that#she just lets me Exist.
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I officially completely unplugged myself as much as I can 🙃🙃🙃 I’m way too reliant on my phone and waiting for people to talk to me is super unhealthy and has made me very anxious. I literally turned off ever single possible notification and will purposefully not be responding to messages because I just need time a space to figure out how to navigate myself without validation from others.
#plz no sexyleon#life update basically#I’ll still be using tumblr and stuff and I’ll probably reply to things on here#but I likely wont be responding to direct messages#I just???? I’m too clingy and needy and I feel reliant on the people I talk to for any sort of social interaction to be happy#I gotta figure it out because my mental health is in the shit and I can’t be reliant on others for stability#and I didn’t even really notice that’s what was happening until all my friends were busy on the same day and I really just needed someone#anywyas sorry this is complicated I just needed to vent in the void#also for my mutuals who I talk to all the time this is why I’m afk and I’m sorry I love you very much I just have to figure it out#why am I insane and hoping people try to reach out to me anyways??? just to say they are here if I need anything?? like I do to them????#idk this is why I gotta stop#im the loneliest bitch in the world but I really can’t be anymore I gotta be alone in this bitch but not lonely#or I need to make friends with my loneliness and we can tackle the world together#otherwise im not going to survive#my anxiety is out of the roof and I constantly feel like I’m having heart palpitations#I literally think I’m going to die sometimes#I used to say I’d prefer the anxiety over the depression because I know how to navigate anxiety#well guess what my anxiety evolved like some sort of mega Pokémon and now it’s kicking my ass and I don’t have any idea how to defeat it#sorry for venting
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I wish I had a clear idea about how I get when I’m mad cus I would like ppl to know before hand so I’m not suddenly like!! This cold ass person out of nowhere!!
#random post#I honestly have no idea why I’m thinking this rn but here I am lmao#so like. sometimes the way I act when mad is kinda how I act just cus of my nuerodivergencies yn?#like I just. won’t talk to the person I’m upset with. just cold turkey dead to me#but not like when I forget to respond to a message. I’m talking about they will try to talk and I just walk away#usually it’s not a long thing tho since it’s more of a cool off thing for me#so I don’t. say or do anything really hurtful#I try to avoid things that upset me. cus I have a hard time responding appropriately to certain things#I have. on multiple occasions. said smth and then immediately regret it because it didn’t go thru the 15 filters I have in place#anyways I’m getting rambly now and literally nothing triggered this thought process but anyways yea
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