illogicalramblings

[illogicalramblings]

[illogicalramblings]

[illogicalramblings]

[illogicalramblings]

October 27th 2024 4:18pm

Well, while cleaning I came across a hiding spot of my cat's. What did I find you may ask? Well...a mummified mouse. So that was fun. It does explain why she would act funny around that spot. Jeez.

[illogicalramblings]

October 15th 10:25am

So, I was looking around on reddit for posts about hysterectomies and T and someone said something that scares me and others had the same experience which definitely makes me cautious of starting T. Actually two things are gonna be really problematic for me mental health-wise.

I have always wished I was built more like a Ken doll in the groin area. So I've definitely never felt secure or comfortable in that regard. I knew that some bottom growth happened but no one told me that it has sensation similar to getting hard! That terrifies me! I don't want to think about that part of my body and it sounds like it might actually be more stressful than I thought it would be.

I was also reminded of the acne situation. I have dermatillomania and when my acne was a problem I would literally spend at least an hour picking at my face a day. I still pick at things constantly, it isn't something I can control.

So, those two things are gonna fuck with me mentally. More than I think is worth hoping that I feel and look more masculine. I feel like such a fake though. I guess it's good that I read about others' experiences beyond my friends'.

Every time I'm called miss, ma'am, lady, or woman...it hurts but I don't know that trading some disturbing things for others is really going to be helpful.

I hate my brain. I really truly do. Why can't I just feel like most other people when it comes to having certain body parts? Why can't I just stop myself from picking at any bump or perceived imperfection?

I'm ashamed of myself and feel like a fake transmasc person.

[illogicalramblings]

showering:

pros: you get to feel clean. you get non greasy hair, non oily feeling skin, it just in general makes you feel better, more energised, refreshed.

cons: there are so many steps. oh my god are there so many steps. before getting into the shower there are steps. during the shower there are steps. and once youve gotten out of the shower? guess what!!! more fucking steps!!!!!!!! UGHHHH

[illogicalramblings]

October 3rd 2024 5:19pm

I'm so fucking ready to get rid of my uterus. Thankfully I have an appointment at the end of this month to set up a hysterectomy. Since I plan on getting everything removed, my PCP said I'd have to take HRT. I've thought about taking T before but there are some things that I really don't want to deal with. One thing mainly - bottom growth. I've got to try though. I imagine it won't be as bad as I'm making it out to be.

I'm curious about the increased sex drive bit. I have no sex drive. I've never had a sex drive. What is that gonna be like? Am I going to feel something?

I'm trying to get an idea of what to expect while recovering and what I might need to have on hand. I'm super independent but am going to have to at least have a friend feed and clean my cat's litter box for a bit. I read it'll need to be a week or two at least. My friend also wants to stay overnight that first night after surgery. I can't sleep with people around. I'm going to try to talk them into letting me be alone and just call if I need them.

I know this is a good decision for me. I've wanted a hysterectomy for well over 10 years. The hysterectomy and T will help me feel more connected gender-wise and I need that. I could use some euphoria.

[illogicalramblings]

September 24th 12:35am

I got information on my Mom's upcoming cancer treatment and I can't talk to my two closest friends about it. One of my friends just lost their cousin yesterday to cancer after a long battle of surgeries, chemo, and radiation. The other friend is having past traumas come up and I can't add any more stress onto her.

So I guess I'll just talk about it here. My Mom is going to have about 5 months of treatment, and that's just the chemo. I'm not sure how soon after chemo it will happen or how long but radiation will follow. Obviously I can't just move to another state for 5 months so I guess I'll just stay on alert and try to figure things out.

My sister is very vocal about how she "can't do people being sick". There's no way I can fly there for a couple days every week to help when my Mom gets nauseous. I imagine my sister will not be happy. I wonder if my Mom will try to get some help for those days. In truth my Mom is very independent and doesn't like asking for help. But she's in her 70s and will likely need help.

Ugh. I hate this. I hate that my Mom has to go through this and I hate that she doesn't live near me so that I could be of more help.

[illogicalramblings]

August 31 2024, 3:33am

I found out my Mom's cancer is back. I won't know where all it is until her appointment in a couple weeks. I know she's probably scared. I feel guilty but I'm worried that my sister will expect me to fly there and stay for the duration of chemo and radiation. That will be a long process and I truly can't do that. She might use that I'm not working (I'm on disability) as a reason that it shouldn't be an issue.

The misgendering, my mental health, my physical pain.... it's too much to handle.

I feel like such an asshole for thinking about me.

[illogicalramblings]

I had such a painful weekend when some family came to visit a couple of weeks ago. I had a feeling it would happen but I wasn't prepared for *that* level of pain.

They wanted to go to a couple of museums which I knew would be problematic. I have a cane which helps with my knees but doesn't really do anything for my back. I was wincing with every movement after one museum. They wanted to go ahead to another museum and seemed kind of put off that I was in too much pain to join them. It's like they thought if they gave me a certain look that I'd magically be able to. In the past I actually would have tried to push the pain away but in this instance it was impossible.

As it turns out, the only got to see a little bit of the second museum they went to so the next day...we all went. I was stupid and went. More wincing ensued. I survived though. It took 2 days to recover but I managed to not die.

The reason I was so determined to go is that I hadn't seen one of them in 7 years. I knew this wasn't going to be a place they returned to anytime in the near future either. I also wanted to see if I could do it because there are other museums I really miss and want to go back to.

I guess I have to figure out what kind of mobility aid will help with lower back pain or if I just need to borrow a wheelchair or something.

Aside from the physical pain, the emotional and mental energy I needed was astounding. Brain fog, anxiety, sensory overload, etc. I'm not sure if there's any aids for that.

Oh! Added bonus! I masked the entire time and they didn't, they ended up with COVID and I could have easily ended up with it too since they were being so careless. People still need to wear masks! Ugh!

[illogicalramblings]

Aug 12th 2024 7:04am

TW: Eating Disorder mention, body image, weight (not number)

I'm really struggling with my body image. I've gained even more weight recently and am now the heaviest I've ever been. I think health issues are to blame but it doesn't really take away the negative thoughts and feelings. My eating disordered thoughts are definitely amplified. I can't really do anything about it though. I can't even go for a walk for more than 5 minutes without pain. Any dieting is tricky. Food intake in general can be tricky. I don't really want to get into it though.

This sucks.

[illogicalramblings]

Did I just tear up when a character in a book I'm reading said he was asexual? Yes, yes I did. My heart! He might also be aromantic, I'm not sure on that one but the representation would be nice.

The book is The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean and the character is Jarrow.

Though now I'm too excited to sleep, ha ha. Worth it.

[illogicalramblings]

If you (like me) want 3rd party candidates to be an actual viable option in USA elections so you no longer have to vote for Democrats OR Republicans as your first and only choice, then what we need is Ranked Choice Voting. In order for that to happen, we as voters have to do two things:

Vote Democrat this fall, because Republicans fucking hate Ranked Choice Voting, and in several Republican-run states they have outlawed it. So if you want it, you have to keep Democrats in power in your state.

Lobby for and then vote for Ranked-choice voting in your state!Many American states have already adopted Ranked Choice voting and several more are set to do so in 2024. The ball is literally already rolling on this, we just need YOU to help it along.

[illogicalramblings]

"Blood does not family make. Those are relatives. Family are those with whom you share your good, bad, and ugly, and still love one another in the end. Those are the ones you select."

- Hector Xtravaganza 1965-2018

[illogicalramblings]

June 2 2024 7:56pm

I'm kinda worried about my cousin. He's been with someone for several years now. He recently married them. They are *constantly* on trips, going to theme parks, concerts, etc. I know my cousin's partner doesn't have that kind of income and my cousin is most likely paying for everything.

I've been in this kind of situation with an ex before. I ended up spending thousands of dollars on them over the 2 and a half years we were together. I'm scared my cousin is doing the same.

I learned the hard way that just because I have additional income that my ex didn't doesn't mean I should have paid for as many things as I did.

When I first met my cousin's partner, they immediately remind me of my ex. I really hope things end up okay for my cousin. He deserves happiness. I hope he isn't in a co-dependant unhealthy (also emotionally abusive) relationship like I was.

I can't talk to him about this....we aren't close like we were when we were kids. And I feel like it wouldn't be a good thing if I expressed these concerns.

It sucks when seeing post after post of their expensive trips, events, and the like. And I know that some of these are things that my cousin isn't really interested in.

Ugh.

[illogicalramblings]

[illogicalramblings]

I can't stand when there is a killer or something in shows and they label the person as having Borderline Personality Disorder then proceed to give a horrible description of a selfish delusional person. That's a crude and inaccurate description.

I also hate that the diagnosis is assigned far too often. It's like if mental health professionals can't instantly figure you out, they use the BPD diagnosis. They often miss things like CPTSD and people on the spectrum.

Ugh.