#multiple times I explained this and talked about the state of my mental health

[fitzhastoomanysideblogs]

DUDE WAIT even on twitter and instagram people aren't really interacting with me anymore. Oh god this actually is happening huh. I'm going to be mass abandoned by literally everyone

[sixseasonsofodestawithatardis]

🔥?

Okay, so I'm not sure if this is an unpopular opinion, but to me, many of the characters within the narrative of THG are disabled/ have experienced disability in some way! Sorry for how long this post this about to be!

I'll explain further just so others can understand my thought process:

Katniss- Goes deaf in the first book, and whilst that is cured in the 2nd, throughout the rest of the trilogy has PTSD/ trauma, which is a disability/ becomes disabling.

EDIT: Katniss is indigenous (Gale and Haymitch are also part of the seam!) How disability and race intersect is important, too!

Peeta- Loses his leg and has to use a prosthetic, a visible disability, on top of the hijacking and how that affects his mental health.

Johanna- Also has PTSD and severe Hydrophobia due to being electrocuted by the Capitol- to the point where she can't go out into the rain and is used against her when applying to D 13's army. (Not sure if that's 100% correct, but Johanna stans, feel free to correct me!)

Beetee- Again, most likely has PTSD, but also in book 3, due to the lightning ( I think), he is in a wheelchair.

Enobaria- Again, PTSD; I also want to include how her teeth were fashioned into fangs ( Idr if it happened in the book!) But I'm unsure how that would affect her emotionally, physically, medically, etc., so I can't get deeper into that. I've put it down anyway.

Mags- Had a stroke, and her speech isn't as clear as it used to be. Also, she uses a cane, which was taken away from her during the 75th games, presumably because it can be used as a weapon, and she had to rely on Finnick to be mobile during that time in the arena, on top of PTSD or some form of trauma.

Haymitch- Has PTSD (i.e. the bad nightmares), and whilst nothing is said in the book, the alcoholism he has to use to cope with everything has probably messed his liver up. On top of that, the withdrawal symptoms whilst sobering up in D13 were probably disabling, too.

Annie- Has PTSD or Psychosis. She has hallucinations, putting her hands to her ears when triggered by things that remind her of the 70th games or being tortured.

Finnick- PTSD and had multiple breakdowns in D13. On top of the trauma that comes with sexual exploitation, which many other Victors would also have (maybe not the same presentation of symptoms/ coping mechanisms!) if/when Snow forced them into prostitution.

Also, obviously, Chaff, Seeder, Wiress, Cashmere, Cecilia, and basically every Victor is dealing with the trauma and various mental and physical problems after the games, which again are disabilities or disabling!

Non- Victors

Mrs Everdeen- Has depression that renders her mute and unresponsive after Mr Everdeen's death.

Gale- Not stated explicitly, but having to work in the same mines that killed your father, having to then be the one to have to hunt so they survive on top of being in poverty, and then having to save as many people from your district when Snow tries to bomb it would lead to some sort of impact on your mental, physical and emotional health. Also, the whipping he received in Catching Fire would leave a massive injury and be a nightmare for anyone.

Madge's mom- Has constant migraines, which I assume increased after Maysilee's death.

Pollux—He has his tongue cut out and communicates through gestures; this also applies to the rest of the Avox's.

District 10 Boy- in the 74th games, this tribute is described as having a crippled foot.

Those are all the characters from the book who are disabled or become disabled by the system. And I think the fandom forgets that a lot—which isn't helped by the movies erasing things like Johanna's Hydrophobia or Peeta's prosthetic leg. This is annoying to me as many characters, such as Annie, will get ableism thrown their way, yet that person's favourite character will actually be considered disabled- also because I am a disabled woman and having to put up with ableism is a nightmare anyway.

I know we talk about trauma such as PTSD and Psychosis a lot in this fandom, as we should! It's imperative to the message of THG's and the characters of these books! But I've never seen someone explicitly say these characters are disabled; they count as disability representation. And I think if we did that, then

a) We could talk about things like psychosis, PTSD and other traumas these characters experience with greater insight and find empathy and strength within characters we couldn't before and maybe the ableism thrown at the characters would lessen a bit as well.

b) Calling it disability/ disabling on top of the diagnosis would enable us to examine other bits of Panem and see another way it affects people. It would also provide a greater depth of analysis in terms of how we talk about poverty, the games, and other things within the narrative.

Such as how if you were a wheelchair user in the districts, especially D8-12, you wouldn't have access to a mobility aid, so you are either forced to find or create an unsuitable mobility aid such as a cane or are effectively left without aid. On top of this, if they did have a wheelchair (I highly doubt it!) It would be taken away because it could be used as a weapon ( like Glimmer's ring or Mags's cane- also, wheelchairs make good battering rams), so you would be left immobile. We could also discuss how D1-D4 are wealthier and how that affects things like disability and healthcare compared to D7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. Also how D1, D2, D3 and 5 or 6 have the materials or would be the Districts most able to make mobility aids if the Capitol even let them.

This is also a double-edged sword because I know if this conversation around disability within THG starts, there will be many that are going to have some terrible takes. It's going to make my blood pressure rise, and it'll be a nightmare to combat and, as a disabled woman, worse to read. And if this discussion does take off, then I'm gonna need this fandom to understand the three models of disability at a bare minimum! Not that you can't comment without that knowledge at all it just will save a lot of bad takes!

DISCLAIMER- I am just one disabled woman. There are plenty of disabled ppl within this fandom with a different opinion from mine, and I AM NOT AN EXPERT on disability!

TLDR: Many of the characters are disabled and yet face ableism within fandom when they shouldn't. We should start explicitly analysing the series through a disability lens on top of the ones we already explore, but I am terrified by the terrible takes and analysis that would occur.

Thank you for sending in an ask; I'm always happy to answer more! Also, I'm so sorry it's so long. It's probably not what you were expecting for an unpopular take ask. I had a huge thought process for this one, and I really wanted to go in-depth and try to make sure others understood!

Also, I love your odesta fanfiic's and can't wait to read more 🙂!

[alpaca-clouds]

Rape, Abuse, Trauma and the Need for Power

This topic has been sneaking around in my brain for days now. Because I find it quite interesting to see this depicted in now multiple franchises. And I really want to talk about it. Partly, because I see some people struggling to understand it. So, let me, an abuse victim, explain.

You see these three characters? Yeah, they actually have a lot in common. Let me explain.

Spoilers vor Castlevania, Stray Gods and Baldur's Gate, obviously.

All three of them were victims of abuse and (probably) also rape. It should be noted that with both Carmilla and Persephone it is never outright said that they were raped, but it is heavily implied. With Astarion, obviously, it is outright stated.

More than that, we do know about all three of them that they were also abused. Both Carmilla and Astarion by their respective sires. Persephone by Hades.

And they also have one other thing in common: Their character arc features them trying to get some sort of power. Let me go through with them.

Carmilla was abused by her sire. We do know very little about the details, only that he was very cruel. There is some heavy implication that the abuse involved rape. At some point she killed her sire. Her entire character story is about her trying to get power for herself. First by trying to get control over Dracula's Castle. Then she tries to build her own empire. With her mental health getting worse, she ends up fantasizing about world domination.

Persephone in Stray Gods was kidnapped, raped and abused by Hades. She had everything taken from her during this, until she finally could not take it any longer and killed Hades. But the other gods denied her to take control over the underworld. Her basic conflict stems from her wanting to regain control over the underworld again.

Astarion is of course the odd one out, given we learn a lot more about his abuse. But like the two women, he was abused, raped and tortured. Due to the DnD vampire rules, he had no way of actually fighting back against his sire, with him escaping just through what amounts to sheer luck. When he learns that his sire wanted to sacrifice him (and many others) to gain a lot of power, Astarion wants to finish the ritual for himself, gaining the power.

The outcome of course is different for all three.

Carmilla gets killed, once she goes down the "world domination" thing. While with Persephone and Astarion it depends on player choice. I would argue though, that the happy end for them both is them giving up the power. That is Persephone giving up the throne and Astarion not finishing the ritual.

What is the interesting thing about this... Or, well, interesting might be the wrong world. But it is well written. Because this is very, very realistic for their backstories.

See, both abuse and especially rape are a lot about power. The abuser/rapist takes full control over the victim's body and life. (Which is also why rape rarely has to do with sexual enjoyment, and more with the rapist wanting to assert power.) Or, from the perspective of the survivor: It is all about having the power taken away from them.

This is bad enough if it is something that is a one time occurance. But if the survivor is in the situation for a long time, they experience a prolonged period of powerlessness and fear. The survivor is constantly afraid, constantly in survival mode, constantly trying to just get through it.

In my life I have seen too many bad takes along the lines of: "Rape survivors should stop whining. How bad can one rape be?" And those people do once again not understand: Rape is not about the sex. It is about having control and power over your own body taken away from you. It is about you being turned into a thing to be used by someone else. Which does not even mention the feeling of fear most people experience during a rape, as they do not know what kind of other violence might follow.

And this is something that leads the survivors to even after escaping the abuse, the trauma often leaves them feeling powerless. They might objectively not have less power than they had before the abuse happened, but to the traumatized nervous system it feels like that. And the traumatized brain does not work logically or objectively. All it knows is: The survivor has not enough power to prevent this situation from occuring again. But here is the thing: No amount of power will make them feel like they have enough power, like they can meaningfully protect themselves from further abuse.

This is why Carmilla is escalating so much in season 4 of Castlevania. Because no matter how much control and power she gets, she does not feel like it is enough to protect herself.

This is also why I do feel like the happy end for both Persephone and Astarion is them giving up their symbol of power. Because the thing is, that them gaining the power will just push them along into a spiral of needing more power to keep themselves in a feeling of being safe. Which is why the good ending for them needs to involve them being convinced to basically trust people again. Because that is a path that given enough time can lead to healing. Them gaining the power won't. In terms of their trauma the power they might gain is just a bandaid on an infected wound.

I have seen a lot of people argue that you should let Astarion finish the ritual, because it "is what he wants". But the thing is... it isn't. All he wants is to feel safe. And he thinks if he gains that power, he can feel safe. But he can't. To feel safe he needs to heal.

[bluegumballmf]

OK SO RANT WARNING I LOVE ADAMAI

ngl i think about adamai so much like literally almost half of the time im thinking abt him so um i just wanna talk about my personal headcanons for him bc i rlly rlly like him he’s genuinely such an easy character to relate to for me because i relate to his trauma. Anyways, forgive me if you catch any spelling or grammar errors, i’m writing this with like 4 hours of sleep and dyslexia.

um so my main mental health hcs are that he has BPD, ADD (lololol fits with the name) and minor psychosis. For ADD, it’s moreseo that from what i��ve seen, adamai struggles in social cues and has a more quiet approach to his struggles, and that he acts similarly to me, and I am autistic. For psychosis, it’s sort of a baseless headcanon, I just feel like Adamai would get auditory/ tactile hallucinations.

It’s a little hard to explain why i think he has BPD cause it’s moreso things I can relate to, such as how he latches onto people rlly quick ; ie a BPD person’s “favorite person,” who is a support system and a sort of pillar/ anchor and typically end up being someone the person w/ BPD sometimes ends up changing themself for. I personally think that adamai’s had multiple favorite people, such as; grougal, qilby, phaeris, echo and oropo, and obviously, yugo. Its kinda hard for me to like. Phrase WHY i think these people are his fps, but i think it’s mostly how he values them and prioritizes them when it comes to his actions and thoughts and feelings, i mean, just take oropo for example. Adamai changed his entire body for oropo, taking the dofus in when he was still rlly young for eliatrope/dragon standards, even assuming a body he didn’t want to survive, which even then, he only did for approval and support from his FP. This actually leads me into my next headcanon,

I headcanon adamai as transfem. Specifically a trans woman. For a few reasons, which I’ve gone over in a twitter thread (same username as on here, you should go check it out, I’m WAY more active there haha) but i’ll put it here.

1. adamai doesnt feel comfortable in his body and it’s elaborated on in the show. When he’s talking to eliatrope about his body, eliatrope states that he’s “always been unique” and iirc you can see adamai’s face drop because its not exactly something he’s proud of.

2: going off the last point, he’s shown to say that the body he now has in wakfu s3-4 is one he had to adapt to survive and not the one he chose, which is parallel to some trans people never transitioning because they dont feel safe enough to do so. this is kind of a stretch but bear with me, it’s more subconcious connections than anything else.

3. (More of a joke point) BUT HE LITERALLY HAS THE SAME WAIST SIZE AS JESSICA RABBIT. WHAT. YES I’VE ACTUALLY COMPARED I AM NOT JOKING. Like here are the images (see below) for comparison. In all seriousness, while i feel like adamai’s design IS iconic and it does serve the purpose it meant to acheive, it doesn’t feel like him. Which again, is what it meant to acheive!! I’ll touch on this more in a second, but not.

4: adamai has multiple issues regarding self perception, which in a way are all similar to dysphoria. He seems to have rejection dysphoria, body dysphoria, and maybe gender dysphoria. In my view, he seems to have all three subtypes of gender dysphoria (body, mind, and social) this actually ties in to the first point, because i feel like he’d develop a sort of body dysmorphia from shifting into a body he didn’t want, rather then a body that would be more comfortable for him; the human or the dragon. Which i’m choosing to see as a representation of the two genders; with him shifting in between being a sort of safe spot, like how many trans people identify as nonbinary or bigender before transition. (Not to say that these people are any less trans then any others, i’m just going off my own perception as a trans genderfluid person!!!)

5: he’s always being forced into roles; from being raised for yugo, to being yugo’s mentor, to being grougal’s nanny, to being possessed, etc. Ad never has chances to choose any roles by himself, and it’s similar to transphobic parents stopping their trans kid from expressing themselves imo. Again, could be a stretch, but this is how i interpreted it. It’s actually kind of similar to my parents, so maybe that’s why. Though, this COULD also just be gifted kid burnout or autistic burnout OR strict parent parallels, which i also can see correspond with adamai.

6: His mental image and self worth.

Adamai’s character is heavily influenced by a lack of self worth. He measures it with other people’s perceptions of him such as oropo’s or grougal’s, and when his body is perceived negatively by himself/others, he also starts hating it and himself, which ties into the headcanon i had about him having body dysmorphia AND into the BPD favorite people!!!

7: ( sounds like a joke point but bear w me) estrogen could have saved him

And honestly, no, Im not joking. Imo, if Adamai was allowed access to an actual process to be able to feel comfortable in his own skin, it might help his mental illnesses a lot in the long run. I equate that to him getting estrogen + finally looking like himself. It could help him with the body dysmorphia and self esteem by helping him get to a place where he’s comfortable to be himself and maybe even shapeshift again. (I actually wrote a fic about this on Ao3, https://archiveofourown.org/works/55070686, if you want to read it!!)

But um yeah, thats my reasoning for the trans headcanons, onto the less mental health involved ones, more miscellaneous. (But if you’re wondering why i’m using ‘male’ pronouns on Adamai, it’s because i feel like he would still like the he/him pronouns, but would simply use she/her more post transition.)

So, i have a few, mainly for adamai during winter vs summer.

In winter,

Silverish hair to blend with the snow

hair puffs up slightly to provide more insulation

lighter pigmentation everywhere,

much sleepier, tends to nap in the snow often

And then in the summer,

Blonde hair

more pigmentation

hair is less puffy, just curly (similar to chibi’s hair!!!)

less sleepier and more energetic.

Those are the basic ones for the seasons, but i also headcanon adamai to be an ice dragon, which means his tempurature is MUCH lower then the rest of the council’s save for maybe efrim. He needs to be in the sun much more, which could be part of the reason why grougal chose oma island to raise adamai. Another headcanon is that adamai and yugo both have heterochromia!! Yugo has central heterochromia, and Adamai has sectoral heterochromia; his eyes being blue and brown. I also headcanon that he has face markings similar to his mother, but they disappear in his dragon form because he’s closer to his father then.

Um yeah, that’s kind of it for right now, i might add onto these if more come up, but i hope you enjoyed reading!! I rwally love adamai, especially in s3 and up, he’s one of the most well written traumatized character’s i’ve seen, and i ADORE the nuance behind him.

[skywriterjade]

I can not state enough how this is not an official statement. This is simply me using my personal blog to mention some things that have bothered me for a while because I'm tired. I've had a ridiculously long year, and I'm tired. So let me set a few records straight.

To the person continuing their claims that Miraculous Fanworks is unsafe for neurodivergent people, why don't you ever mention that the "mistakes" you made were emotionally abusing at least two members? And attempted manipulation of at least one more? Hm? Why don't you ever mention that the "mistake" that occurred due to your neurodivergence (which you say you got a diagnosis for after the final ban, and still, as a former friend, I am genuinely very happy for you for that and hope it's helped you) was emotional manipulation that included (but was definitely not limited to) threatening to hurt yourself (bad enough that that friend saw fit to contact your family) if that last friend stopped talking to you? Hm? Why do you never mention these things?

The entire admin team is neurodivergent. The majority of our mods are neurodivergent. Do try again. And try better. You were given chances but the rules are there for a reason and that WAS explained to you. In detail. We've got the receipts.

I don't like talking about the event from last year because, it occurred during a time when the server was changing ownership and the chaos of that on top of the event was almost enough to set back all my work in therapy. And that's not a lie or exaggeration. The server changed hands, without much prep and we were in the middle of doing reforms when the incident happened. Is it an excuse? No. A ball was dropped and we're sorry about that. But at a time when everything was in chaos we were simply focused on keeping everything up until a new foundation could be made. That's all I'll say to that since I don't remember if an official statement was ever made off the server. On behalf of the mod team, I am sorry it got so far out of hand and if anyone was hurt during that event.

Now. To another. Yes, three of our 20-something mods are teenagers. Three of them, and they're in the lower ranks. Meaning they watch the general server and have no access to any adult areas. Two of them are unofficial mentees learning IT. None of them have to do more work than what a normal member would if they decided to help us watch the chats. I'm not sure what the exact issue was there, but there you go.

The "No blocking a mod" rule 1) isn't new, it's been there since forever, and 2) does not mean if multiple ppl have one mod blocked they have to unblock them. Frankly if that were the case we'd open a ticket on that mod and find out why. It means, if you don't like this person but they've never done anything to you, you can't have them blocked. Does it suck? Sure, but it's no different to other big servers we've been in. If someone harassed someone else, then we need to investigate. If there's no proof, are we meant to just take someone's word for it? On the internet? No. You have a claim. Supply your evidence, then we can proceed. That's basic effing common sense. It's basic sense.

I am tired. This Fandom has brought me to the brink and back again, and again, and AGAIN, and I am tired.

Anyone who knows me knows what my original feelings on the server were, but you know what I did? I took off my bias shades and built my own opinion of the place based on my experience and observations. And you know what I found? A fuck ton of ppl there sucked, but it was often just certain members and they usually left or got removed. The few others I might not have liked i could ignore. Was it a perfect place, no. And since stepping up I've worked with my team to try to make it better. It's worked but at the expense of the mental health of the admins. In being more relaxed, which we wished was a thing when we were normal members since it makes the server feel more like a community and less like a business, we opened ourselves up to this. And you know what? We'll take it. Gladly.

Because it means we built the home away from home we hoped for.

So, a recap:

To the first person, check yourself.

To the incident, yes, we messed up. Yes, we're sorry.

Why have we not said anything about any of these publicly? Between trying to protect members' privacy and not wanting an incident to occur because frankly, yall are traumatizing af, we decided to just leave it.🤷‍♀️ our members are comfortable, they have many means of telling us if they aren't and we have a peace at last. Why would we stir that nest when the ones who would have to deal with it are 5 ppl just trying to keep a community afloat and live their lives?

Why am we saying something now? WE aren't. I am. And I'M saying something because I'm upset. I had hoped that eventually, someone would do some introspection, and we could continue to have a nice community free of unnecessary lies. There's nothing I detest more in this world than liars and manipulators. NOTHING. I've lived through manipulation that turned to abuse. I'd be damned if I see it continued and not say something when I can.

Are we excusing how the server used to be and might have hurt ppl before? No. Some of our friends were those people. And we were sometimes hurt. But this is a new way it's running. Sure, some things are the same cuz it makes sense. But if yall focus on attributing server members of the past with the server as it is presently, hm🤷‍♀️ do you

Any other questions? By all means, ask. Respectfully, of course, I will answer like for like.

I hope everyone has a great day.

[thr4shit]

Venting under cut because I feel bad at the moment.

(Understatement of the fucking century right there, bitch.)

I'm tired.

I'm lonely.

I feel like shit.

I want to talk to people.

But at the same time don't want to deal with conversations.

Being in a state of contradictory existence fucking sucks.

My mental health has been absolute bullshit for the past like... almost two full weeks.

(I've had like 7 or so breakdowns/episodes in the course of 8 days, with some days having MULTIPLE. I got VIOLENT in some of them. I BRUISED MYSELF because I started slamming my fist into my forearm because I felt like I was bullshit and deserved to feel pain. It barely fucking hurt, and I was hitting full force... I was LAUGHING, CRYING, SMILING, and SCREAMING all at once as I did that. I was ecstatic, and sad, and happy and enraged all at fucking once on rapid fucking shuffle with no breaks or warnings. In another case I had in depth plans to TRACK DOWN AND HURT people who were annoying me. They've been so much worse than they've ever been and it's just EPISODE after EPISODE and I don't get a fucking break and I'm so fucking tired afterwards. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I feel disgusting. I feel like I'm becoming a monster and I don't know how to stop it. I NORMALLY ONLY HAVE AT MOST 5 OR SO MAJOR EPISODES LIKE THIS A YEAR. AND INSTEAD NOW I'M JUST HAVING THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND OVER TINY BULLSHIT THAT I SHOULDN'T BE??? Like- YEAH, sometimes I'd get into one WITHOUT provocation, but those are RARER. They shouldn't be happening SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK???)

No one in my irl life seems to give a shit about trying to help me feel better.

(No one is an exaggeration, but VERY, VERY FEW)

Instead they do shit that makes me feel worse.

But I can't fucking say that because they're "good people" most of the fucking time.

They're just not helpful right now.

And it's not like I could be 100% open to them either!

I'd fucking scare them off!

I'd be alone ALL OVER AGAIN for the SAME REASON AS LAST TIME.

THE SIMPLE REASON OF "my mental health got bad again and I SCARE them now"

I CAN'T FUCKING EXPLAIN HOW MANY TIMES I'VE LOST EVERYONE BECAUSE OF THAT!

IT'S BULLSHIT.

But I also don't blame them??? I'd be scared of me too at times.

Jesus christ, I mean I fucking am. I'm always scared that I'm gonna go too far one time.

I can't handle people.

I can't handle friendships.

Maybe at this point I shouldn't have them.

I don't know how to properly reach out to professionals.

I don't want to because I don't want things to be more "wrong" with me than they already fucking are.

I don't want to reach out because then I'll be alone again.

But if I don't reach out I could end up alone again.

No matter what there's no good outcome.

This place is my only escape from it but now it's falling silent too.

I'm being drowned in silence again.

I'm getting to that point again where not even my fixes can give me joy and I don't see the point in TRYING to enjoy anything.

But, y'know. I'm not fucking depressed so I should be fine, right???

That whole "this too shall pass" bullshit???

Fun fact, it NEVER passes for me.

It's just always waiting to COME BACK.

I'm a fucking monster. And they're right.

They're all fucking right.

And I fucking hate it.

Nothing I have been diagnosed with explains this.

People always blame it on my executive dysfunction.

Even I did.

But at this point I'm not fucking sure.

At this point I'm starting to think I'm just a bad person.

At this point I'm willing to believe I'm the monster they think I am.

But oh fucking well. I have a new blog theme. So... yay...!

[duckymcdoorknob]

Hello lovely Ducky! I was wondering if I could get an emergency request? I’m going through a lot and am struggling with bad seasonal depression. Recently, I’ve really needed encouragement and some sort of hope, but instead of it, I lost a friendship. It was kind of a huge blow to my mental health. No pressure ofc, I know it’s exam season right now and you’ve got your own life, so don’t feel pressured and don’t rush! thank you in advance and ily I hope you’re having an amazing day!! make sure ur drinking water!!

Heya, Kross!

This took 4000 years, so I hope it’s not too late!!!

I hope you’re feeling better :(

I will personally fight your friend, don’t even worry.

I hope this provides you some kind of comfort! If not, feel free to request again!

CW BELOW THE CUT: reader is depress3d, reader has lost hope.

𝐼𝑧𝑢𝑘𝑢 𝑀𝑖𝑑𝑜𝑟𝑖𝑦𝑎

Exam season at U.A was never an easy time of the year. Multiple tests, multiple classes of work to still turn in, and atop of all else, this time of year is when things started to weigh heavier on you.

You try your best to make it through the day, but it never seems to be enough for those close to you.

Although you explicitly have stated that this time of the year is hard for you, your friends swear that you’re avoiding them on purpose.

Overtime, you got used to it. But this year was different.

While you were studying for your heroics exam, a text buzzed on your phone. You reached over to it and read the words “we need to talk”

Instantly, your mind raced with all of the things that could’ve been the issue. You didn’t have to do much soul-searching, however, when you received a huge paragraph from your friend.

It was clearly copied and pasted, meaning that your friend had put some thought into, and maybe even asked others for help with, it.

Your heart dropped into your stomach as you read about how your “friend” claimed that you were avoiding them on purpose, and how they felt neglected by you.

Frustrated, you start to text them back, explaining in vain that it was just because of the time of year, and that you really didn’t mean to ignore them. By the time the text had sent, there was a delivery error.

Your friend had blocked you.

Your mind and emotions went numb. You shut your book and laid down on your bed with bleary eyes as you thought about all of the moments you had with your friend.

Defeated, you stood up to turn off your desk lamp, and went to bed with tears streaming down your face.

As time progressed, you had scarcely come from your dorm. You spent your time studying when your mind allowed you to. Most of the time, you could only lay on your bed in defeat.

Luckily for you, your green-haired best friend had noticed your recent absence. Izuku was nervous about your disappearance, and would bring a plate of food to leave at your door. When he knocked, you wouldn’t answer him, so he figured that something must be very wrong.

Eventually, Izuku gathered the courage to knock and stay there until you replied to him.

“(Y/N)? It’s me. I know you’re in there,“ he murmured as he rested his forehead against the door. “I just want to know if you’re okay.”

You sighed as you looked at the door. Were you really in the mood for company? What would his reaction be? Was it worth it?

You rolled over in your covers and stared blankly at the wall.

“(N/N), I’m not leaving.” His voice was a little more stern, almost as if he was upset with you.

“Go away,” you mustered.

A gentle gasp was heard from outside the door. “Please let me in… I promise I won’t bother you.”

You readjusted yourself to be turned away from the doorway. Sighing, you decide to let him in.“Door’s been unlocked since Tuesday.”

You closed your eyes and waited. Within a second, the knob of your door turned, and it was pushed open.

You heard a gentle gasp and a forlorn voice. “(N/N), please, talk to me.”

“Nothing to talk about.” You replied.

Izuku sat next to you on the bed and put his hand on your shoulder. “I will not leave your side until you at least acknowledge my presence.”

You rolled over and your teary eyes met with his own. You didn’t have time to react before the boy wrapped his arms around you tightly.

“I’m sorry if you don’t wanna be touched right now, or if you just wanna be alone, but I know in my heart that you need this.” He whispered, running his hand along your head. “Tell me, what’s going on in your mind?”

His soothing words and comforting touch made you instantly dissolve into sobs. Izuku held you close, whispering reassuring words into your ears. “It’s okay, it’s okay… shhh… I’m here, it’ll be okay. Im not going anywhere, I promise you’re safe with me.”

As soon as you calmed a bit, you started to pour out all of your troubles. They flowed out like water, and you were unable to hold them back.

Your friend held you securely, hoping to convey his solidarity. Izuku listened intently to every single world that you said, nodding in acknowledgement.

When you finished, he wiped your tears and took both of your hands.

“I’ll preface by saying that I’m so sorry that this happened to you… I can’t even begin to imagine how awful this must be, especially during this time.”

“I want you to understand that this isn’t your fault, not at all. You expressed clearly that you are feeling a certain way, and your “friend” didn’t respect that. You can’t be responsible for how they feel, because you tried to explain what had happened.” His thumb came up to your cheek as another tear fell from your eye. “They chose on their own to not listen to you. If it’s worth anything, I personally think that this individual is not your friend. If they were really someone who wanted to have a bond with you, they wouldn’t do this to you.”

“You can’t control how you feel either. Depression is a sickness, and you can’t force it to go away. You’re trying your best, and that’s all anyone can ask of you…”

You rested your head on his shoulder, and he kissed the crown of your head. Closing your eyes with a sigh, you finally spoke. “I just don’t get why you can be so understanding but they can’t…”

“Because some people don’t take mental illness seriously.” He replied, tracing circles on your shoulder blades. “It’s dumb, but some people just don’t understand how terrible it really is… I just hope that I can be enough of a support system for you.”

You hugged him back him tightly “You’re more than enough… You’re the only one who’s cared to check on me after all this time, so thank you.”

Izuku cradled the back of your head with his hand as you hugged him. “Just take a minute and rest, I’ve got you…”

As your residual tears finally started to dry, Izuku helped you to lay down and rest your head in his lap. He ran his fingers through your hair as you closed your eyes.

“Don’t worry about a thing right now… just get some sleep, I’ll be right here if you need me.”

Before you fully fell asleep, you swore that heard Izuku mutter a few words.

“I wish they’d only see you how the rest of us do…”

—————♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎—————

[k--havok]

Rain: Have you ever made yourself cry with your own writing?  If so, what was it?

Rain: Have you ever made yourself cry with your own writing?  If so, what was it?

I think I once teared up when I was writing a break-up scene with my original OTP, Braxous and Reluz. I still have it floating around here somewhere but it is quite old (and ridiculously long... like 10k words haha

For a little backstory about these characters; Braxous and Reluz are from the Tales of Ozoarth saga; a huge series with multiple ensemble casts with stories that take place across multiple years and countries. Braxous is from Izuktia; or what is left of it. Izuktia fell and a new country named New Izuktia rose in its place. The fall of the country occured before he was borne, however, but he was borne into the cult-like remains of Izuktia. He did eventually escape a violent upbringing and went to The Kiniarth, the country west of Izuktia.

Reluz has a similar tragic backstory. She hails from The Isles of Arthus, a huge collection of massive islands housing different city-states that are at odds with an attempted central government trying to wrangle them together under one banner. She lived in a smaller tribe with her family, but her tribe was destroyed by a larger and more violent one. She escaped with her mother at a young age and eventually they both fled to The Kiniarth as well as refugees.

The two met in a hospital; Reluz as a volunteer and Braxous as one of the mental health patients there. They first simply became friends, as Braxous had no actual friends or family to visit him. But after he was released, the two continued their friendship and eventually got together when Reluz was 20 and he was 23.

The two are more or less the definition of "opposites attract." Reluz ends up becoming a psychiatrist. She's an academic, caring but firm, and has a gentle heart. Braxous is basically a killer-for-hire and a thug. He can barely read and write, although has plenty of "street smarts" and icy cold to most people.

In the oneshot I wrote between them, the two break up due to Braxous trying constantly to keep Reluz at an arm's distance away. He is overprotective of her to the point where she feels smothered while at the same time barely knows him. Reluz wants to be part of his life, and feels she can protect herself fine.

its important to know that Braxous has an odd magical ability where he can summon a blue fire from his hands/arms that can burn, quite literally, everything. Even raw magic itself. But this also includes him. This power is tied closely to his emotions, which is why he is so icy most the time. But here, when he ends up losing control of his powers, Reluz chooses to burn herself to prove a point. This backfires immensely as Braxous blames himself for this happening.

It doesn't sound sad as I explain all this haha but let me tell you these are my ultimate OTP, my favorite characters of all time, I am OBSESSED with them even tho I don't talk about them much so writing this oneshot really tore my heart in half.

[sophieinwonderland]

Do We Really Have To Do This Again?

Okay, guess we have to. 😔

And no. Someone else might block these. Personally, I prefer to respond with debunking posts that are sent to the anti-endo tags, because if anti-endos are going to purposefully invade our tags to attack endogenic systems, anti-endos are sure going to see the responses.

Now, to your concerns...

Most of this seems to be a vent about a bad therapist not taking obvious signs of DID seriously. And then trying to ascribe blame to the endogenic community for this somehow.

And this is... really weird. @the-chaos-crew doesn't seem to actually know what they're complaining about.

The vast majority of endogenic systems aren't "trying to be debilitated." Most don't claim to have any sort of dissociative disorder nor are they seeking treatment for it.

Frankly, it seems like you're confusing "endogenic systems" with "imitated DID." The latter being a largely fictitious or over-exaggerated group of alleged DID fakers. I've debunked this concept in the past:

If you notice, the people these papers use as an example often say they were traumatized, and talk about that trauma. Especially in the group they decide is just BPD.

And if you pay attention to a lot of the TikTok DID systems people love to fakeclaim, these too generally mention childhood trauma. Most are actually anti-endos, funny enough.

Endogenic systems are a group that's usually non-disordered and by definition, not traumagenic.

So-called imitated-DID cases, where much of the fakeclaiming originates, generally ARE traumagenic by their own reports, and obviously disordered.

These are two largely different demographics.

That's not to say you should get mad at the so-called Imitated DID systems either. The very concept of Imitated DID was mostly driven by ableism, politics at the time, and trying to protect therapists from malpractice lawsuits.

There's No Indication DID is Less Likely To Be Diagnosed Today

In the 90s, DID was renamed, a ton of psychiatrists decided it must be a fad, "Imitated DID" theory caught on to explain away false positives. Fewer people were diagnosed for a while.

To my knowledge, there's been no evidence DID has been diagnosed less since the term endogenic was coined in the late 2010s, or that endogenic systems have any impact that would prevent people from being diagnosed.

Sometimes a bad therapist is just a bad therapist.

Well if your therapist who tells you not worry about your memory gaps and blackouts says something, it MUST be true! /s

Meanwhile, here is what the creators of the Theory of Structural Dissociation have said:

And here is what the ICD-11, the diagnostic manual compiled by the World Health Organization, says about being able to have multiple distinct personality states without a dissociative disorder.

Again... maybe you just have a bad therapist.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

Just Going Total r/fakedisordercringe

TLDR; "I know some people with these disorders, therefore I know how EVERYONE with these disorders behaves."

Putting aside the fakeclaiming of systems in the rest of the post, this is also a terrible way to treat mental illnesses. People with mental disorders are not a monolith. While there may be some who mis-self-diagnose, simply knowing someone with a mental illness doesn't give you magic insight into everyone with that illness.

What's more, not everyone will expose their debilitating symptoms for you to know they're really disordered. Some people have learned to adapt or to hide. And especially if you're on the internet, you may only be interested in sharing the positive experiences.

You don't know how someone struggles offline or in their personal lives, so stop pretending you do.

Seeking Therapy For Non-Disorders

Do you understand how that would be counterproductive to the whole premise of this post?

You're supposedly upset about endogenic system stealing resources from systems. How would non-disordered systems seeking therapy for being systems do anything but exacerbate the problem you think exists?

Here's the thing... normally, I wouldn't care if you want to vent. Even if that vent is contradictory and nonsensical as this was. Clearly, you're in a lot of pain right now.

But you made a conscious choice to go into endo safe tags to intentionally hurt other people. And that's not acceptable.

So I'm going to ask the anti-endo community to explain to @the-chaos-crew why we don't crosstag. That way, I don't have to keep coming into their spaces every single time anti-endos break containment and come into ours to spread hate against us.

Stay out of our tags, and I'll stay out of yours.

[sysmedsaresexist]

Hello - wanted to ask as someone in an endogenic system.

What are your general opinions on endogenic systems and their existence? I'm asking because I saw one of your recent posts and am confused.

Is it a case of viewing us as completely separete and sharing no actual similarities with DID/OSDD as a phenomenon in the slightest (like viewing it only as a spiritual belief, for example), or of being open to considering our validity once there's enough reaserch done on us, or being open to accepting us because you think that all real systems who claim to be endo are actually traumagenic without knowing it? Or is it something else? I genuinely want to understand where you're coming from on this.

(Also, I think it might need adding: having DID/OSDD, imo, is a very different experience to being endogenic in many ways, and to claim that it isn't wouldn't be truthful. However, I do think that there are some links between both the phenomena and that they shouldn't be disregarded as completely unrelated).

Wish you a good day!

Hey, I appreciate you taking the time to ask, that's a fair question

I suppose, honestly, a bit of all of the answers (let me explain), starting with stating the biggest one upfront

I believe in the perception of multiple selves.

Funnily enough, so do some of the most prominent DD specialists in the world (Ross has written extensively on it).

But I don't believe it's comparable to DID in any way, shape, or form.

There are a lot of "types" of plurality.

I support people having religious beliefs about their plurality, though I ask that it not be in my personal spaces because hearing talk of it is triggering based on my own trauma, and because it tends to start confusing us and causes us to dissociate in really messy ways. I don't think religion/spirituality and mental health mix very well in cases like DID. It's not a disbelief in or disregarding of their experiences, but more of a, "please don't compare that to DID, it's not the same, and the potential that I'll be influenced in negative ways is too great." Like, some of my alters could be easily convinced time/space travel is possible and that I'm a gateway. Believe me, that's going to make my life hell. The issue here is the comparison to a mental disorder.

I believe in the perception of various self states, and being very emotionally and mentally tuned to different emotions and moods that can feel and appear to be separate from yourself. I believe that people genuinely experience themselves this way. However, I firmly believe and support the research into the physical cause/mechanism of DID, and that it is not what endogenics are experiencing.

I believe there are people that are purposefully causing themselves to dissociate in an attempt to create headmates (or whatever is most similar to alters in DID). I do not believe they are actually capable of this, unfortunately, because dissociation is only one key part of DID, and the brain is no longer capable of dissociating to that degree after adolescence-- it's a learned trait in childhood that is limited by biological predispositions (this is why some people can experience extreme trauma in childhood but will not develop DID/OSDD).

I do believe they can train themselves to experience multiple selves as an internal perception, though, and that dissociation greatly helps this process.

Do I think it's healthy? For some, maybe, but generally no. That's pretty understandable considering my experiences, though, if you ask me. Like, people purposefully dissociating and disowning parts of themselves kind of goes against everything in the treatment of my disorder, where we need to work on embracing and coming to terms with other parts of ourselves.

The biggest takeaway:

These are actually the minority of cases, and the experiences are not comparable based on physical mechanisms

So on to the rest.

I believe a lot of endogenic systems ARE DID/OSDD systems. This realization happens frequently, and having run this blog and seen SO MANY different reasons why people think they're not DID/OSDD has made it clear that there's a distinct lack of understanding among the endogenic community of how DID/OSDD functions and what's considered a "normal" experience. My most popular post is a list of things that are actually totally normal in DID/OSDD, and it's filled with people going, "oh 😬". There's a lack of understanding around trauma and what that is. There's a lack of understanding and some EXTREMELY ableist views around what being "disordered" looks like and what dysfunction in the DSM is.

I think there are also many people that are experiencing a different mental disorder and that are exasperating their symptoms by aligning themselves with endogenic communities. It's really hard to talk to that community about what other disorders (BPD, OCD, schizophrenia, delusions, etc) are actually like. As much as there's a misunderstanding about DID, it's twice as bad for other disorders. Talking about other possibilities doesn't mean I don't believe their experiences, but learning what might ACTUALLY be driving your behavior and mood will help you plan your healing journey (because let's not lie, many in the endogenic community are struggling with several different issues, and there are likely just as many in the DID community going through this, too).

Like it's not a one community problem, but the endogenic community IS harder to talk to about this stuff because any question of one's perception or experiences is basically taboo.

And I think more research will come out, eventually, that'll help me form a more solid opinion and understanding of both experiences.

[swearyshera]

I REALLY like how you wrote DT’s speech. I never had a problem with the original, but I know some people felt it was bordering on victim-blaming (which I don’t blame DT for, since 1. They were missing some context and couldn’t have known everything that went on and 2. They obviously aren’t the type to handle things lightly), so I think your version avoids those problems while still delivering the same emotional blows. I personally have always interpreted DT’s speech as their way of helping Catra. I like to think that they DID care about her, in their own way—they’re not above betraying someone they care about, of course, but I think they did like her, as the chemistry between them seems legitimate. Their speech was intended to help, I think, even though they didn’t do it in a nice, friendly way (because that’s not how DT rolls). It may have even been done for multiple reasons—maybe they were salty about being left imprisoned, maybe they wanted to distance themself from Catra because they don’t want anyone to get too close—who knows? Of course, the interpretation that DT never cared about Catra is still valid, but I firmly believe they did, at least a little. Maybe not “I’d die for her,” but certainly “I vibe with her, she’s cool, we should hang out more.”

The view of DT's speech as inadvertently victim-blaming Catra is one that I can absolutely see and understand. I also don't believe for a second that it was the intention, but you don't always see every audience interpretation when you're writing a line like that. And of course, there's a few ways to explain it away, as you've mentioned, but I think it was a genuine 'I didn't think of it that way'.

Knowing that was a common read of that line, I obviously wanted to make sure I didn't fall down that trap too, but the intention from my end was to frame it around Catra's mental health and how she had been ignoring, or even fighting off, everyone who wanted to help. I said earlier that it was about DT acknowledging the hurt she'd suffered, but also making it clear that she hasn't done anything to help herself - because we are the only people who can help ourselves (or at least, make the choice to get help). That was the key message to get across.

I also think it's important here to mention another maxim that I have when writing about Catra on here, particularly when it comes to talking about her actions: Reason, not excuse. It's absolutely possible to see that opening the portal, driving Scorpia away, fighting Adora, etc, were actions that had a clear reason for her doing them. But at the same time, that reason doesn't become an excuse for them that absolves her of responsibility, and DT is holding her to that. There is a small, fuzzy line between the two terms - and it can be so close at times. But there comes a point at which someone has to say "Look, I get why you're feeling like this, but that still doesn't make what you did right." and that is Double Trouble's role here.

Will it be something that Catra takes on board? Not yet. She's not in the right state of mind to process that concept - and that's why it hurts her so hard (and possibly why DT's original line came across in the way it did). It takes time (and more trauma) for her to start to realise the truth in what they were saying to her. But she'll get there.

[hc-did-culture-is]

I'm a bit scared of saying we identify as multigenic publicly so we're sharing this anon instead. There's a variety of reasons we see our system the way we do.

We don't have the typical traumagenic experience of "oh my brain formed alters to save me" I relate on some level to those who refer to their experiences as being created. Yes my creation was caused through trauma and torture but that alone is already something most DID spaces have ended up pushing me out for and feeling ostracized about. I know it's not the same as someone sort of meditating and constructing another identity that they live with in a way of multiplicity/plurality- but a lot of people who do that tend to be more accepting when I talk about how being a definitionally created alters leads to me feeling isolated.

We also have a lot of spiritual beliefs. I won't get into them because they're quite niche and may be identifiable in our case given other context- but we do have some spiritual and religious beliefs going on with our system (sperate from the programming which I could also see how programmed system who are unable to deprogram at that time but still have alters who believe they're spiral entities may find space with others genuinely experiencing that as a way to safely interact and possibly work on recovery in ways outside of just the issues with the programmed/instilled identity they feel trapped to) and we are always shamed and treated poorly for not being either an atheist or a mainstream or well-known religion.

We also find ourselves being pro-endo because a lot of the hate and vitriol thrown and at endo systems become pure ableism thrown at especially polyfragmented and programmed systems. The main difference between the two being the aforementioned programming. (I also would assume non-programmed systems but ones that have programmed alters {hard to explain but like I mean ppl who went through RAMCOA after they already had a system} still get the same treatments as HC-DID systems)

I understand that my experiences with our disability is not the same as endogenic systems who don't have my disability because of the primary reason that- one is a disability and the other is just having people in your head/being multiple. The many identities, self state, personalities, people, parts, whatever one wants to call them is just the most focused on aspect of DID/OSDD and similar for singlets and primarily those with no education on mental health. The main stuff that categorizes DID is amnesia and dissociation to a maladaptive degree. (Iirc)

.

[sillygooseness]

My Playlist: Jimmy Kaga-Ricci Needs a Hug

A Song Analysis.

1. Hey Angel by One Direction- starting off strong with this one for multiple reasons. the one-sided dialogue with an angel reflects the religious imagery of the book and jimmy taking comfort in his religion by talking to god. the words also work really well if you imagine this as jimmy talking to angel about switching roles in life. also, the one direction larry stylinson situation very much fueled alice's idea for jowan, i think, the parallels are very clear.

2. Play My Music by The Jonas Brothers- a fun little jam about a boy just wanting to play his music

3. Salt by Bad Suns- the lead singer of bad suns wrote this song for his transgender friend, but i really would not have guessed that this was written by a cisgender person if i had not looked it up. phenomenal articulation of a transgender experience, obviously the song belongs here

4. Love Me by The 1975- the lyrics reflect jimmy's theme that it is silly to idolize somebody that you don't know

5. Social Cues by Cage The Elephant- another song about coping with fame and anxiety

6. Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots- jimmy is very stressed, obviously, and reminiscent of when times were simpler

7. You’d Be Paranoid Too (If Everyone You Knew Was Out To Get You) by Waterparks- another song about his anxiety. this song makes me think about how he is so worried about somebody breaking into their apartment and his room. he is frequently worried about being in danger from others

8. Karma by AJR- a song from the perspective of a famous person in therapy. in a podcast explaining the making of this song, the lead singer explains that they edited multiple takes of the bridge together so that there would be no audible breaths in between lines, which heightens the sense that the narrator is spiraling into a panic attack. very much how i imagine jimmy finally in therapy

9. One of Us by Joan Osborn- alice said so and i agree

10. Starting Line by Luke Hemmings- this one is hard to explain, but it's essentially about feeling emotionally numb throughout life due to poor mental health and feeling like life is flying by without really experiencing any of it. i have multiple songs from this album sprinkled throughout all of my playlists for the ark boys, and this one just feels the most like jimmy

11. Only The Brave by Louis Tomlinson- i love that this song has been adopted by fans to be about lgbtq+ bravery. it has to be included

12. Lights Up by Harry Styles- really reflects how little sense of self jimmy has. the main line "lights up, do you know who you are?" really stands out because jimmy states multiple times in the book that he does not know who he is

13. Run Boy Run by Woodkid- maybe this one is a bit dramatic, but it's my running away song, so it naturally goes here

14. Laura Palmer by Bastille- gosh, i love this song. it's another one that's hard to articulate, but it's perfect. "you ran into the night, you can't be found. this is your heart, can you feel it? pumped through your veins, can you feel it?" jimmy runs away, finally acting on his own autonomy, and this song is perfect for it.

15. Make it Stop by COIN- another song about being anxious and overwhelmed. reflective of jimmy trying to put a hold on his chaos that is life by running away from it

16. Anti-Hero by Taylor Swift- this is how jimmy views himself

17. I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes) by The 1975- this song reflects the comments jimmy makes to lister in his childhood bedroom. you know what i'm talking about

18. Weight of Living, Pt. 1 by Bastille- what's this? another song about jimmy's anxiety and the weight of his fame and chaotic life? wow!

19. Earth To God by COIN- a great song narrating a one-sided dialogue with god. this song makes me think of the scene where he stops inside the church in kent

20. 2011 by 5 Seconds of Summer- this is THE jam-session-in-pierro’s-basement song, i don't make the rules. listen to the lyrics and tell me i'm wrong, i dare you. it's literally a band jamming out reminiscing on the days before fame when life was easier and they could just be innocent and play music for fun

21. Comedown by Luke Hemmings- 🎶it’s been a hell of a week🎶

22. Guys by The 1975- alice said so and i agree

23. Give Yourself A Try by The 1975- this just gives end of the book vibes. i hope jimmy starts to give himself a try after all of this

[phatburd]

ask game: N, T, W

Some of my opinions are probably going to wildly offend people but let’s go!

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice)

Only three things? Hmm. K. So, for The Old Guard:

First thing - I want more morally grey stories, or Dubious Morality as AO3 tags it, or stories where the characters have to make choices with no good, 100% happy outcomes for anybody. Where helping someone will guarantee that some other innocent will get hurt and suffer. I want to see Nile, et al, make hard choices.

Second thing (of which I am guilty so far) is I’d like to see more solo-Andy in the immediate years after she became immortal and the millennia she spent alone before she met any of the others. There’s a lot of stories to mine there, and one of the reasons why I haven’t touched it yet is because there’s so much to mine there. It’s intimidating. I want to do it anyway. I’m currently focused on the Napoleonic Era for Booker, but I’m not above poking at the Bronze Age Collapse at another time.

Thirdly, I want more fics that explore the future of the immortal team. The past is a great resource, and that's fun to tease out and see how the immortals can fit into historical events. But the future has a lot of potential too. How do the immortals deal with a world where facial recognition technology is everywhere? How does one disappear where every movement is tracked in some way or other?

(I work with some huge information databases in my real world job – the details of which I can’t talk about – and let’s just say I know what I’m talking about.)

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

Booker is not inherently selfish. Full stop.

Let me explain. In the early 2000s I was going through a really bad mental health patch. I kinda fell apart professionally and personally in the aftermath of Bush vs. Gore and pretty much hated everyone and everything.

I don’t know how many people here are old enough to remember the discussions around “enhanced interrogations.” In my really bad psychological state, I read a book that discussed the use of torture through the ages and its ineffectiveness as a tool to gather intelligence. This is because everyone has a breaking point, where they will do anything, say anything, agree to anything, just to escape the pain.

This is the point where I realized the same thing applied to depression and suicidal ideation. At some point, the pain of living becomes so goddamn intense, a person develops tunnel vision and will do anything to stop their own pain. Depression is torture without any visible mechanism. In that case, is it selfish to end your own pain?

This is where shitheads will say, “But what about all other people in your life? You’re selfish because you’ll hurt them!” No, they don’t fucking get it. That’s counterproductive because a person that far down in the hole will think, “Well, maybe they’ll be better off without me then.” The pain is so intense, you're not thinking of others because you can’t. You just want it to end by any means necessary.

What does this have to do with Booker? Yeah, this is the mental state I imagine Booker to have been in for longer than most people have been alive. He wants it to end and he will do whatever it takes, including agreeing to things he probably wouldn’t have if he wasn’t in that mental state.

Is wanting to end your own pain weak or selfish? I’d say no. Anyone who says yes hasn't been there, and I hope they never reach that breaking point to understand what it feels like.

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

I screeched about this when this last season of Star Trek Picard aired. Actually, I screeched about multiple tropes in Star Trek Picard that I fucking loathed. I’m going to revisit the one that pissed me off most, and that was what happened to Captain Liam Shaw.

Technically, what happened to Shaw wasn’t a deathbed conversion, since he apparently made up his mind before he was even officially introduced that he actually liked Seven. But S3E09 gave all the appearances of a deathbed conversion and I flipped the fuck out.

I do not like it when a character has a change of heart right before they die. Dying doesn’t teach a character anything. They can’t be a better person and grow because they’re dead. They can’t have their past conceptions challenged by new experiences because they’re dead.

A deathbed conversion is nice for drama, but it’s also the easy way out, another form of deus ex machina if you will, and I hate it wherever I see it.

Okay, I think that’s enough. I haven’t had any caffeine yet, what a way to crawl out of bed. I did this to myself though. Lol.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Ben Appel

Published: Mar 17, 2024

On February 5, 2024, The Free Press published the whistleblowing account of Tamara Pietzke, a Washington State mental health therapist. For six years, Pietzke worked at MultiCare, one of Washington state’s largest hospital systems. In her essay, Pietzke explained why she chose to leave MultiCare in January.

“In the past year I noticed a concerning new trend in my field,” Pietzke wrote. “I was getting the message from my supervisors that when a young person I was seeing expressed discomfort with their gender—the diagnostic term is gender dysphoria—I should throw out all my training. No matter the patient’s history or other mental health conditions that could be complicating the situation, I was simply to affirm that the patient was transgender, and even approve the start of a medical transition.”

Pietzke described the case studies of three patients she treated at MultiCare. One was a 13-year-old girl who had an abusive mother, was a victim of multiple sexual assaults, and had been diagnosed with “depression, PTSD, anxiety, intermittent explosive disorder, and autism.” After the girl was diagnosed with gender dysphoria, despite the girl’s complex history, the Mary Bridge clinicians recommended she take medication to suppress her periods and consider taking testosterone. When Pietzke voiced her concerns to her program manager, she was told to “examine [her] personal beliefs and biases about trans kids.” The girl was then promptly removed from her care.

Another patient, a 16-year-old client who had anxiety, depression, and ADHD, told Pietzke that, during the pandemic, after reading online about gender, she didn’t feel like a girl anymore. Soon, she started using she/they pronouns and wearing a chest binder. In 2022, she went to Mary Bridge, where she was prescribed birth control to stop her period, since the girl’s father wouldn’t consent to allowing testosterone treatment. After a hospitalization for swallowing a bottle of pills, the girl told Pietzke she identified as a “wounded male dog” and talked about wearing ears and a tail in order to feel more like her true self. Pietzke’s concerns were minimized by her colleagues, who seemed to have no issue with patients identifying as animals if it made them happy.

In 2022, Pietzke began treating a female in her early twenties who had transitioned as a teen. The patient, who rarely left the house and spent most of the day in bed, had been diagnosed with autism, anxiety, gender dysphoria, depression, Tourette syndrome, and a conversion disorder. Mary Bridge prescribed the girl testosterone in 2018, when she was 17, “despite the fact that this patient is diabetic and one of the hormone’s side effects is that it might increase insulin resistance,” wrote Pietzke. “The patient’s mother, who has another transgender child, strongly encouraged it.”

“My biggest fear about the gender-affirming practices my industry has blindly adopted is that they are causing irreversible damage to our clients,” wrote Pietzke. “I am desperate to help my patients. And I believe, if I don’t speak out, I will have betrayed them.”

In mid-February, I spoke to Pietzke over Zoom. She had just been fired from her new job.

After Pietzke left MultiCare, she was hired by a therapy clinic to provide mental health counseling and neurofeedback, a treatment that helps patients produce more positive brainwaves. From the beginning, Pietzke’s new boss had insisted that, if neurofeedback wasn’t for her, she could switch to counseling full time. And yet, when Pietzke requested this change, her boss said that wasn’t an option and promptly let her go.

The way Pietzke described it, it sounded like her whistleblowing had contributed to her boss’s decision. Now, Pietzke hopes to open her own practice in order to avoid running into this issue at yet another clinic.

“I just want to be able to do my job and help people,” she told me.

In Washington, conversion therapy laws include “gender identity” along with sexual orientation, which means that therapists can face legal repercussions for failing to properly affirm a patient in his or her trans identity. I asked Pietzke if this concerns her.

“Believe me, I’m making it very clear that I’m not trying to change anybody,” she said. “All I want to be able to say is, ‘Let’s put a pin in it. Let’s process this and work through this and not rush to medicalize. You’re a child.’”

I explained to Pietzke how I first got involved in this issue. After I learned that gender-nonconforming youth were being medicalized, I began to wonder what the difference was between a “trans kid” and the effeminate little boy that I had been growing up.

“I was teased all the time as a kid,” I said. “In middle school, I was often asked, ‘Are you a boy or a girl?’ Most of my friends were girls and I loved girly things. I was really athletic, but I wanted to play with the girl's lacrosse stick rather than the boy's lacrosse stick. So, to imagine that there would be this ideology, for lack of a better word, that said, 'Which sex do you feel like? Which sex do you identify as, according to these gender norms?’ I can’t imagine, being young, I would’ve been able to answer, ‘Oh, I know I feel more like a boy.’”

“It would’ve been so confusing,” said Pietzke.

“And, because I was raised really religious, I couldn’t reconcile my sexuality with my upbringing,” I said. “So, I’m sure I may have thought, ‘Good, this isn’t a moral defect, it’s just a medical problem that I can fix. I’ll feel more comfortable, I’ll blend into society more, and the bullying might stop.’”

That was why I asked about the conversation therapy laws, I told Pietzke. “Like you said, you’re not trying to change anybody. But there needs to be some exploring here, because there can be other things at play, including the possibility that you’re just dealing with a gender-nonconforming kid who will grow up to be gay.” In other words, “gender-affirming care” can be a new form of gay conversion therapy.

“My understanding is that about 85 percent of gender-distressed youth who are allowed to progress through puberty normally resolve that distress,” said Pietzke. “And oftentimes they do end up being gay. For a kid to even have the thought that they might have been born in the wrong body is just so unfair.”

She continued. “And that is what kids are talking about now. They don’t even need an adult to say it. Their peers start to identify as another gender, and they think, ‘OK, maybe I am, too.’”

To describe what’s occurring in the medical system when it comes to “gender-affirming care,” Pietzke said that, in the past, she has hesitated to use the word “corruption,” only because “it feels so extreme.”

“But that’s what it is,” she said. “A level of corruption that makes me heartsick. I have to wonder, do people really think they’re doing what’s best for people? Or, are they personally benefiting from providing these treatments in some way? I’m trying to figure it out. But it’s scary to me.”

Last year, I spoke with Dr. Laura Edwards-Leeper, the founding psychologist for the first hospital-based pediatric gender clinic in the U.S. During our conversation, Dr. Edwards-Leeper, who adapted the “Dutch Protocol”—puberty blockers followed by cross-sex hormones and surgery—to be used in the U.S., used the word “cult” at least five times to describe what’s become of her field. Practitioners, she said, are ignoring nearly everything they’ve learned about childhood development and instead taking cues from colleagues who might have the “lived experience” of being trans but who lack medical training. Often, practitioners fear being labeled transphobic if they fail to follow the dictates of these colleagues.

I asked Pietzke if she agreed with Dr. Edwards-Leeper’s observations.

“Absolutely,” she said. “I definitely think people are afraid of being labeled transphobic.” She described a virtual gender-affirming care training she attended while working for MultiCare. For asking basic questions about possible side effects and health consequences of cross-sex hormones, and about the high correlation between gender dysphoria and other mental health disorders in girls, “that [label] was thrown out at me almost immediately,” she said. “They said I was harming people and that I need to keep ‘politics’ out of it.” After the training session, four people reached out to Pietzke to say that they had the same concerns, but they were afraid to speak up because they saw how she had been treated. “They’re scared,” she said.

When it comes to the politicization of this issue, I told Pietzke, I’m often reminded of Newton’s third law of motion: for every action in nature, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That is, if one side objects to, say, cross-sex hormones for gender-distressed teenagers, the other side doubles down by proposing even more radical interventions or by fear-mongering about suicide. It becomes a game of ping-pong, with vulnerable kids stuck in the middle.

Another activist tactic that really bothers me, I continued, is when they accuse people who object to sex-trait modification for minors of opposing gender-nonconformity in general.

“In reality, it’s the exact opposite,” I said. “I want society to make more space for young people who innately transgress gender norms. All I’m saying is that defying stereotypes is not a medical problem that needs to be fixed.” Especially when the “fixing” means severe health consequences, infertility, and often, particularly for males, anorgasmia.

Pietzke agreed. “Why can’t we just let people be people without making them think there’s something wrong with the way they’re wired?” she said. “Adolescence is uncomfortable for everybody. Let’s be the adults in this situation and guide them through it, rather than rushing to medicalize them.”

To learn more about Pietzke’s preferred approach to counseling young people, I posed a scenario. “Let’s say a thirteen- or fourteen-year-old comes to you for therapy. She’s really masculine-presenting, likes hanging out with boys, is rough and tumble, and she says that she doesn’t feel like a girl. How would you handle this?”

Pietzke didn’t take long to respond. “I have a few thoughts,” she said. “My first inclination would be to ask her, “What does being a girl mean to you? What does feeling like a girl mean? Because if what you’re saying is that you don’t like fake nails and fake eyelashes and going shopping, well, that doesn’t mean you’re not a girl. That’s just one type of being a girl.”

Pietzke continued, “I’ve puzzled over this a lot. I’ve thought, what if a kid came in and said she was going to kill herself because she thought she was in the wrong body? Well, that made me ask myself, what would I do if a person with depression said she was going to kill herself? The solution isn’t fixing the thing that appears to be causing distress. You need to treat the resilience piece, so that when hard things happen or difficult feelings arise, you don’t automatically default to thinking, ‘I don’t want to be alive anymore.’ Of course I’d tell my patient, ‘Yes, I absolutely hear that you’re in pain and I care so much about that. But this suicidal piece, we need to work on that. Because life is hard, and I certainly want to help you have the resilience to be able to navigate the hard things.’”

Pietzke and I talked about the data, in particular the fact that there is no evidence showing that kids and adolescents who don’t receive puberty blockers or cross-sex hormones are at greater risk of suicide, despite activists’ dogged insistence on peddling this narrative. In reality, these treatments could be making things worse for many people.

Pietzke said, “If we just assume that someone’s struggles are strictly because of gender distress and we don’t teach them the skills to navigate depression, anxiety, or whatever else they might be struggling with, we’re not doing them any favors.”

I told Pietzke that I sometimes fear that the LGBT organizations that push this false suicide narrative are actually creating a greater risk of suicide contagion among young people.

“Exactly,” said Pietzke. “If I were 14, and I was told that, if the adults in my life don’t let me do this one thing, I might commit suicide, there’s a good possibility that I would start to think, ‘Maybe I am suicidal.’ I think it just amplifies the distress.”

Since Pietzke went public with her story, she said that no one from MultiCare has contacted her. This doesn’t surprise me. But it surprised Pietzke.

“I really thought, ‘How can people hear this information and the facts and statistics and still think that I’m in the wrong?’” she said. “I know that makes me sound naïve, but I just don’t understand.”

“It’s crazy-making,” I said.

“It is crazy-making. I’ve thought, ‘What is wrong with me?’ I feel like it’s The Twilight Zone, where I’m screaming that the sky is blue and everyone says, ‘No, it’s orange.’”

As Pietzke spoke, I thought back to just a few of the myriad times I’ve questioned my own sanity when it comes to this issue. I told her that I’m constantly asking myself whether I’ve missed some important detail.

“I don’t think the other side is questioning themselves like we do,” said Pietzke. “At least I don’t hear them doing it. If you’re not willing to reconsider your position on things, then you’re pushing for an ideology rather than what’s best practice for the people you’re treating.”

What has helped Pietzke is the support she’s received since she came forward with her story. “I have had people contact me and thank me for speaking out,” Pietzke said. “I’m so grateful for that, because this is a lonely process.”

She mentioned Jamie Reed, the whistleblower from the pediatric gender clinic at Washington University in St. Louis. Reed, who is now the executive director of the LGBT Courage Coalition, which advocates for gender medicine reform and is a resource for whistleblowers, helped Pietzke through the process.

“I listen to Jamie talk and I think she’s so smart, she has so much knowledge,” said Pietzke. “I’m just a mom and a therapist who wants to give people the best treatment that they deserve. Having the support now has meant a lot to me.”

Today, Pietzke has no regrets about blowing the whistle. She said that she would be “devastated” to learn that a young person she had helped transition came to regret it.

“This isn’t a gray area,” Pietzke said. “Kids can’t adequately consent to these treatments. As a therapist, my loyalty isn’t just to them at 13, 14, or 15. My loyalty is to them 10 years down the road, too.”

--

About the Author

Ben Appel has written for Newsweek, The Free Press, Quillette, Unherd, and many other publications. His memoir, Cis White Gay, about his experience in LGBT activism and Ivy League academia, is forthcoming. Subscribe to his Substack and follow him on X @benappel.

[findusinaweek]

Everyone should have a therapist who is a nerd.

My therapist has told me "If you can't love yourself in this state right now try to find a fanfic with a character you love who is experiencing a similar state". She has made me read fanfics as homework multiple times. Once because I was spending hours daily beating myself up for being a failure she told me to find a fanfic where a character messes up and isn't mean or down in themselves but just let's it go and tries to do better. I have not quite found one of those yet (Steve Harrington from Stranger Things is the closest but only if he also has therapy and recognizes/accepts he is kind of an idiot).

I also wrote myself a little fanfic with Amanda from Dream Daddy because I needed comfort and my dad sucks but Dadsona is a wonderful father so that kind of fulfilled a need.

I'm working on the whole healing and not hating your inner child and really struggling with it. I know they/he/she (I think of different ages of myself as different genders and I don't want to explain that here) exists in me and I know I mentally cut them off from me. And I've learned that if I can't be nice to myself I can be nice to other characters. Right now I'm stuck on Deimos (AC Odyssey). Deimos also experiences being in a cult as a child and trauma and neglect and a shattered self image. Deimos becomes a monster of a person, one that I think many people in such horrible circumstances could allow themselves to be. So I'm drafting out a minicomic (who knows if I'll make it but its the planning that counts ) where Deimos listens to their inner child. If you can't trust yourself now maybe you can trust the child from when all those hard bits became your truth.

Was in the middle of a crisis where I didn't feel...right. Safe? I can't really explain the details. I know what I have to do to get myself into a better situation but I've been unwillingness to do it. It doesn't feel acceptable or possible. My therapist had the gall to tell me that it's what Brasidas (AC Odyssey/RL historical figure) would want. Uhm excuse me? You don't know what famed deceased Ancient Man and love of my life would want for me? But would the Brasidas I've built in my mind from Assassins' Creed Odyssey and history books and fanfics and so on and so forth want me to live in a constant state of distraught? No. I think it's Plutarch who mentions a story where he gets bit by a mouse and says "there is nothing so little but it may preserve itself" and uh that sustains me sometimes. I think he would expect me to do everything in my power to make my life a safe and free experience.

Also I've talked at length about video games with my therapist and how although they are not always the best coping mechanism they can help fulfill a need. I really like survival games like The Long Dark, where there is nothing supernatural, just the cold and nature to fight against. It allows me to narrow down my brain to the thought of water, food, comfort, safety and sometimes that's helpful in a bout of anxiety. It helps me remember that bigger things will pass. I just need to keep myself fed and watered and safe from the cold. The developers also say not to use it as a survival manual but I have cold urticaria and also I'm forgetful so in the winter sometimes I ask myself if my outfit would keep Mackenzie warm enough and that's how I decide how safe I will be. Self care for Mackenzie is self care for me.

Also Just being told by another adult that it's ok to just allow yourself to enjoy things? Even if they seem silly or childish? It's nice.

She understood what I was talking about when I described how the portrayal of mental health in The Magicians helped me (especially Quentin) and validated my feelings.

It's lovely to not have to censor or change your daily way of speaking when in therapy. If the person understands your slang/what you are talking about when you describe your day to day life it's just very nice.