#maybe some others as well we'll see-
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Gale nation I'm so sorry but one had to be last jffkdk to make it up to you all I'll give you your man being a pre worm mess and Tara is also here :D (don't spoil me ectect I'm starting moonrise let's gooo)
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[COMMISSIONS]
Don't get me wrong I like him ! I like them all ! Huge nerd depressed wizard, awkward looser, what's not to love (even tho he sometimes has some of the worst takes in the world gkgk) ? But... He's too easy to romance- bro you're shacking in pain serving pathetic and about to explode of course I'm going to give you a magical item I don't care about ! And I'm not a monster so yes you can stay even tho you where shitty to your ex and about to blow up but by god stop installing this weird romantic tension istg- also I got spoiled the fact he marries you if you romance him and just no- not a fan of wedding (despite my shameful addiction to a certain french reality tvshow fbfjfk) sorry but it just takes off a lot of the fun of romance for me :( love the drama of divorce but not interested in the first step to get there fjfkf
[Astarion] - [Lae'zel] - [Wyll] - [Shadowheart] - [Karlach] - [Gale]
Sketch and more yapping below vvv
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Don't ask me why this portrait ended up being a perfect mix of Jesus Christ and Harry du Bois fjkdkd I loved it too much to change it, so that's how Gale looks like in my heart now :)) also I need you to know I imagine him a bit chubby <3 because it's cute and a wizard with a six pack should be considered an offense to everything good and beautiful
#Love the fact you can see me getting more and more invested in these with each new one#I have plans to turn them all into prints but first I'll revisit poor Astarion my man got the short end of the stick here fkfkfk#maybe some others as well we'll see-#gale dekarios#gale of waterdeep#bg3 gale#bg3 tara#baldur's gate gale#baldur's gate 3#bg3#bg3 fanart#gale fanart#gale dekarios fanart#tara the tressym#painted portrait#digital painting#art#my art#digital art#fanart
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one of my pals and i got to talking (again) about an evil rodansey au that we've built and revisited over the years... which then veered into "what about adam licking the nightwash off of ronan's face" and now we are here
#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#i'm only ever here to make nonsense and maybe inadvertently ruffle some feathers#wip#pynch#fmw art#i've got some thoughts and ideas for other things inspired by our chats as well...#we'll see if i can scrape together the time and energy to make them lol#i'm hanging on by a thread as it is w/ how busy work is keeping me#i think my hand is bound to fall off / eyes fall out lmao
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"Oh. I don't know if you recognize me from the Strip, when I handed you the Mark of Caesar? I wasn't wearing a dog's head at the time."
#You know what#I finally got around to making some cosplay TikToks and honestly this one is one of my favourites so I guess I'll share it here as well#Sorry its dark af 😅 I was editing this originally at night in a low light setting#I have like 2 others you can probably find on my TikTok pretty easily but maybe I'll post to here as well#We'll see...#FNV#fallout cosplay#fallout new vegas#vulpes inculta#cosplay#TikTok#Do You Remember Me?#Also the way the way the Gamblers outfit was 100% improvised last night with whatever I could pull together
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Will you help me choose what picture to draw from the Backas gig :3?
I have made it a nice little tradition to draw and fully render at least one picture per Käärijä (and Joker Out) gig I've attended but I have so many good from the Backas gig so I've collected my favourite nine for you to choose between 👀
The pictures:
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The poll:
*there may be a chance I'd draw more than one but I'll prioritize the one with the most votes (since I also want to work on the Allas drawing and JO Ruissi drawing - I have decided on a picture for both of those btw hence why there's no poll for those gigs - also I didn't have enough pictures of Käärijä at Ruisrock to make a drawing :'D)
#the struggle of having too many pictures I like#oh the horror /j#no but really I am pleasantly surprised with how many good pictures I got in backas#I have over 100 fully edited pictures which for me is a lot#I may end up making little doodles or coloured sketches of some of the other pictures as well#maybe the ones with jesse hääriä jukka or allu we'll see#for now I will let you guys do your thing (pleasse)#and check in tomorrow when the poll is over#so today I'll probably focus on working on my bojere fanzine entry#seems about time xD#micahs foolery#my gig#backas gig#käärijä#jere pöyhönen
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(Idk if someone asked this already) since we’re on the topic of gender
sci what is gender to you and how do you see it in you and how you express it in your art?? (Just a young queer artist who wants some light shined upon them 🥺)
i 'unno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#gender is soup#sci speaks#i'm so sorry i know you might hope for something profound but... i think when i'm put on the spot like this i can't say anything really#i think whatever i am is definitely pervasive in everything i write#but like.. gender means something different to wade than it does for peter.#just like it'll be different for everybody. we make different associations based on our experiences and our trauma.#like.. wade associates femininity with love. because of his mother. associates masculinity with violence. because of his father.#peter associates masculinity with responsibility. because of uncle ben. associates femininity with confidence. because of aunt may.#i think there's all kinds of reasons why we choose to present the way we do. and what gender means to us.#just like we'll associate a colour with something. or a smell with a memory. it's complicated.#i don't think i'm some kind of expert on gender things but... i just find it interesting to explore. the psychology of it.#i don't think it's supernatural. it doesn't come from nowhere. but it should be a playground.#i don't think anyone in this world should be restricted to a certain role to play. i want to try all the roles and see how it fits.#see how well i can play them.#maybe because i haven't found one that quite fits. so i want the opportunity to try whatever i can. see what feels right.#i think it would be fun to be a wife. i think it would be fun to be a husband. i think it would be fun to be a firefighter. i think it wo#shrugs. different outfits for every day. different roles to play.#today i'd like to try...#i think it's like kids learning how to be adults by playing pretend. by playing roles.#i'm learning more about myself and other people and fitting into the world by trying on different roles.#kids playing house. you be the mom. i'll be the dad. yadda yadda.#i still feel like a bit of a kid who hasn't figured out how to be an adult yet. so i'm still trying out roles to see what fits.
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tomorrow is play party yaaaaaaay
#bunny rambles#im wearing a cutie crop sweater i crotcheted a few years a go for my bday and I'm starting the night in pants#we'll see if i change to the skirt or take them off completely lol#i tossed the idea out of maybe wanting to do some pick up play w impact (topping) and I'm feeling kind of excited for that ngl#OH ALSO I'M WEARING MY EARS?? can't forget that ahdjgksjdkdk#i cant find my leash which waaaaaah but oh well. i have plenty of other fun things to bring#its a potluck - im making roasted smashed broccoli 3 ways uwu#i gotta get more broccoli in the tomorrow but luckily it takes like ........... idk not that very long to do this
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has anybody else thought about how jk could easily manage sofia's parts of slow dance or is it just me?
#jikook#bts#everybody is working to insert jk in who where i just don't see it (other than the seven parallels)#and not talking much about what i see as WAY more obvious nods most especially in rebirth#like jm sings about wanting to be worthy of someone - maybe someone who just became a huge SOLO global popstar?#and mentions 'real love' - what was the name of that chapter in the bangtan book again?#and the feminine pronouns not present it's just the nebulous 'you' that in jimin songs often stands in for 'army'#(and one very specific 'fan' who has said he is ALSO army)#it's the 'i wanna be with you'#the answer for jk's 'i am still' with its unspoken additional 'still with you' layer#and then we get slow dance and we're back to the nebulous 'you' - on an island he-#oh wait what was that about a pair that traveled to an island? and filmed some stuff there that we'll see soon? hm#the reason this set me off though is the lines about 'cancelling my plans' to live to 'the tempo of our favorite song'#the falling deep into lines etc etc#because we know what happens when those two get together - they lose track of time everything else fades away#it's why they haven't done lives. why 'you and me' are 'up all night' why jm knows that as soon as jk is around#his self-discipline will crack and he'll fall into the pattern he tried to head off by separating from jk while making face#and we *know* jimin wrote on this song#frankly if he *hadn't* gotten a female feature everybody would be JUMPING on this song as a jikook anthem#the inclusion of sofia works perfectly - like hammering the pin back in a grenade#but i was reading those lines and thinking how high she went and going who else could sing this ...?#huh. who do we know of who can sing *anything*? and who has a range that can hit and blend with jimin's perfectly?#so. i dunno. y'all do your delulu the way that works for you and i will do my delulu my way lol#personally i think the eyes in the mv look like a screenshot from the love wins all mv but that's only me#i think the parallels with seven work more#and speaking of parallels (there are so many) i think this album was built to ensure jm is on equal footing with a certain someone#it's the commerciality of it - as though jm was like we will be together in this as well#when he seems not to be super interested in global domination but still 'special' enough to be on the same level with his love
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starting to kind of date someone right before christmas is so stressful fr. do i get him a gift or what we've been on two dates but i'm seeing him tonight n it's christmas eve.....but what if he didn't get me anything then it will be weird.....
#i planned to try to find something small enough that i could easily carry around concealed then take it out if he got something for me#but the thing i got ened up being a bit too big for that lol#im gonna bring a big bag of gifts for all my friends maybe and then it won't be weird idk#by some miracle my mom showed me a bag of emergency gifts for the girlies and i was like cool im taking all of them tonight 😂#which was not what she intended lol#but im gonna do it#if i had time i would have gotten him something different but its good enough#he mentioned a book he hadn't read last night so would have been cool the got him that but its too late its a music hat now#if he even got me anything idk#but he specifically told me he was last minute christmas shopping so idk#i am over analyzing this for sure tho#anyway most unrealistic part of christmas romance movies is they're not anxious wondering whether to gift or not to gift#also im lowkey scared abt new years 😳#not that i wouldn't like to kiss him probably but i already have a hard time looking at him without blushing 😂#so that would make it 10000x worse lmao#also idk if i want to kiss him JUST bc its new years instead of waiting for the right moment to just happen? idk i dont wanna rush things#its not for sure we'll be together at midnight on new years idk what his plans are#but we'll see#anyway things are going well but moving faster than expected 😅#also not 100% sure i'm seeing him tonight and def not tomorrow so that might take the gift pressure off but idk#waiting to hear back abt tonight#😐😐😐#also idk why we waited until we were both on break from work to do stuff bc honestly every time we've met it's been after work hours anyway#however it allows us to stay up later than on work nights which is nice#he didn't leave my house until after 11 last night lol#anyway trying hard not to get swept up in all this while its new but fr im like oh this is what it's supposed to feel like 🥺#never been in love before every relationship i've had was awk and forced was starting to think maybe im just not capable of love#but literally cuddling on the couch watching it's a wonderful life last night i was like hm i'm definitely capable of love actually#not saying im actually there yet but it would be soooo easy to fall for this guy which is p scary actually#esp bc im not sure it would work for other reasons
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god is swuarshing me beneath his thumb like i am an aphid or perhaps a clover mite. yeah. its slow and painful and im small. and also meek
#just me rambling again#guys. guys i have been just barely scraping by for what feels like so long it's genuinely so overwhelming and confusing and just very#unsettling for me to be having good feelings especially like.. big ones#i kind of feel like im dying ?? not actually physically but my entire brain just really doesn't know what to do#ive got some rational anxieties but also a lot of really stupid small ones just that are so all over my brain#and the cause feels so stupid. ok cool so ur falling for one of ur friends. happens. ok so same friend VERY OBVIOUSLY likes you too. ok ok#a little weirder but something that has happened before#but there's just so much in mybrain anxious abt stuff (ive been forgetting to take my anxiety meds a lot the past week(#idk i just feel like somehow it's not fair to them??#like. being with me or me trying to maybe be with them feels like... im taking away something from them or from their life#even tho we literally talked last night abt dates we really really wish we could go on#and how we obviously would just work well together we're compatible in basically every way#it also would be low pressure not heavy commitment because at the end of the summer we're both planning to move for college things#and she's looking at colleges in New York and nyc and im looking at colleges in oregon or Washington#so yeah.. literally across the entire country from each other#but that almost scares me more bc i have the it will come back hozier type of attachment issues where it's so so difficult for me to ever#let go of things once ive latched on (everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it or whatever) and i really don't want to leave my#claw marks in them bc like. god i really would adore having a thing for however many months we have but im so goddamn scared#that im either not going to be able to let go or one of us is going to detach well before we leave bc thats a reasonable emotional response#and thatll be it's own hell#but also#im 18 almost 19 (and i will make clear that they're in the year below me which also makes me feel really bad but that's a whole other can o#worms there) and its been a long while since ive just. let myself LIVE. ive been the shell of a man for months now. maybe another#stupid and wonderful and beautiful and terrible teenage romance wouldnt be the end of the world.#hell i was so convinced i would never ever ever not be in love with my more recent ex girlfriend and i still love her as a person but im#definitely not still in love with her and our splitting hurt but it was something that i was able to cope with and grow through#idk im rambling a lot longer than i have in a while i just have a lot of feelings right now.#i want to kiss them (again and more) i want to go to a stupid drive in movie and go to museums together and a picnic and all the shit that#we talked about last night and we both love in similar ways and feel our feelings really big and unapologetically#idk i have so much to say but running out of tags on here. double date maybe on friday ? we'll see what happens i guess.
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i've gotta program something soon...
#my posts#gets computer science degree#proceeds to do no programming for 4 months#i have like a few programming ideas but starting things is hard#i want to play with godot more it seems fun#i should probably also learn C++ for job reasons since i want to get into lower level/embedded stuff and only know C and rust#i guess the problem there is i'd have to like come up with a project to learn it with#preferably something lower level#maybe finally do that make your own file system project i skipped?#or like something with compression and parsing file formats#that's all pretty involved though so something like playing with godot would probably be better to get myself back in the programming mood#some sort of silly 2d game probably#i've had thoughts of making a silly little yume nikki-like for my friends to play that could be fun#or just any silly little game for just my friends idk#starting with gamemaker kinda made using other game engines a bit weird for me#so getting used to how more normal game engines work would probably be useful#i also want to mess with 3d games that seems fun too#but see the problem with all of this is that i suck at starting projects#and am even worse at actually finishing them#well i guess we'll see what happens?#also hi if you read all of this lol
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watching a viagem (90s globo remake) and honestly Dina is such a fascinating character. like i can't tell if the writing genuinely wants me to think she's great or if it is self-aware of how selfish she is for a supposed protagonist or """mocinha""" (god do i hate those categories). and is going to grow once she gets with otavio? like normally in novelas when the protagonist is being cheated by the villain... usually there's a reason for it, usually the villain is playing the protagonist in some way by hiding information (isabel doesn't know she was stolen by nazare as a baby or that she pushed his father down the stairs , tifao doesn't know carminha cheats on him w/ max or tried to bury nina alive that one time, etc) but here... like, that's not he case sdfklj alexandre isn't playing anyone at this point (ep 34) Dina literally knows that Alexandre ran over a 3 year old, that he was a trouble-maker in his university and almost assaulted a teacher, that he was indebted bc he took 2 many drugs, knows he was aggressive to his girlfriends, and like.,... and obviously knows he killed a father of 3 kids to steal some money (Even tho they're literally rich)... and she doesn't care and still treats him like a little kid? literally never chides him at all? sdlfjsdkfsdklfjs it's so bizarre to me man. and the novela is legit like "wow isnt dina so protective. isnt this passao de pano over her brother so touching"?
#interrupting regular doctor who scheduling to talk about#telenovela#novelas#and like it's useful man. it's useful she's selfish like this bc it moves the Plot#but it also doesnt make sense SDFKLJDS#and it's weird bc all the other character say literally All These Things and she doesn't care???#i think it may be the fact this is a remake as well and so the writting has some outdated stuff but yeah#we'll see maybe she grows later#i stopped at around ep 90 bc the version i was watching was all chopped up and badly edited#and now im starting again w/ the full globoplay version#so i do remember she chills A Little once she gets with otavio#but im curious to see how the alexander thing may cause tension between them#a viagem#honestly the ciume over teo stuff is the least of dina's problems#her biggest problem is she's stone cold a burguesa safada
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It's Pride Month babes you know what that means! All the straight people are beamed by the ultra deadly laser and do not return until the month is over while everyone else parties! :D
Wait-
#jokes aside#happy pride month#love you all!#will try and make art for it#maybe show off some ocs of mine in the community#or draw other ocs#ooh maybe flags as well#we'll see#just spouting nonsense
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Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh today I've been constantly experiencing the urge to un-private today-in-the-devildom & start writing for it again
#i'm gonna ramble in the tags but#i've been talking with starr (if you're reading this--hi starr!! <3) about the blog today and sharing some of the entries#and it just made me miss it so much#+ the conversation actually made me realize some other reasons why i didn't enjoy the blog in general anymore#like i genuinely love the blog and i genuinely loved writing for it & that conversation reminded me of that#but also there were so many reasons that ultimately pushed me to more or less abandon the blog & then later private it too#so i'm kind of at a loss here#tbh i think i'm mostly just scared to pick the blog up again only for it to end exactly like last time i picked it back up#i've actually always wanted for the blog to be a source of inspiration y'know?#like the things mentioned in the entries are kinda just small ideas right#i was hoping that people would read these & feel inspired to write or draw something of their own based on my entries#that was actually what made me start the blog in the first place. the hope that i could inspire others that way#aaahhhhhh.... maybe it's on me since i could have more openly communicated that idea......#i did get to meet one wonderful person who wrote a few fics based on my entries tho!! (hi ali <3)#but yeah..there's that#also the way engagement just dropped significantly after a while#like i know i was gone for a good while & that a lot of people left the fandom and all that#but still getting maybe one reblog if i'm lucky really feels like a punch to the gut#ESPECIALLY considering that i was close to 900 followers on there#do you guys know that feeling when you proudly show someone you care about something you did only to get a disinterested answer?#yeah...#that's essentially how it feels like to me#and well as you might know the feeling of “why should i keep writing if apparently no one cares” eventually won... haha.....#but aaaahhhhh i'm still clinging onto the hope & what ifs here#that conversation with starr really just made me forget about everything that frustrated me about the blog & left me with this#longing feeling to start again lol#hey if you've made it this far into the tags let me just ask--would you care if i picked the blog back up?#would you also *show* that you care?#i'm actually quite curious (you could almost call me george lol)#anyway maybe we'll see each other on today-in-the-devildom again in the future.. who knows
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what if we held on to whatever we get the idea of as Normal as unquestionable & think all you can do to this normal is apply some veneers overtop it to be more polite & also resent that. maybe we could project that everyone who seems to be Annoyingly Disruptively doing more than this must be putting on a performance to look good &/or humor others b/c that's all we ever believe we're doing, & again, we resent even that much....maybe we could use our show of More Polite language to make the same points blaming everyone who our Normal mistreats for their own mistreatment
#perhaps we could lecture autistic people on their; ah; Lacking Social Skills or Intelligence. it's just matter of fact#completely neutral what Annoys those who do well enough when thrown into any group settings; completely neutral how they React#like yeah can't possibly take issue w/anything Acceptable to Encouraged in the realm of even ''successful'' ''normal'' social interactions#infinite ''smh this is why nobody takes ableism seriously'' like oh you mean b/c of the ableism? is why you don't take it seriously?#infinite ways of phrasing that everyone alleged so Annoying With It is just like you but someone actively Putting On An Act too much#all it can possibly be. just as someone's Anti Ableism would be knowingly ''humoring'' / ''tolerating'' an autistic person e.g.#ah you see to this Person Who Identifies As Nonbinary's face i will try to mostly use Their Preferred Pronouns. that's that done#but it's sooo annoying. what's next; multiple &/or changing pronouns? god even worse. so Inflicted Upon my correct norm#if i'm not feeling actively malicious & devious in how i treat someone i am surely as righteous as it gets#having to improve on perfection by occasionally feeling Put Upon to perform politeness around some individuals? ughhh#that's why it's actually illegitimate. shouldn't have to be Put Upon like that. (finding the norm Questionable? out of the question Lol)#shocked ppl report that casual usage of the r word is having a revival. by shocked i mean [already clear ppl didn't care abt that]#& again just the current ''polite'' rephrasing of ableism like oh um :) disabled ppl are just a Specific kind of unintelligent & unskilled#& unprofessional & incompetent & a harmful scourge :) & maybe if they learned to be otherwise they wouldn't be punished :)#just formalized ABA vs the less formalized ABA huh. & the [the Real ableism] it ostensibly is to be saying all this i'm sure#something something not a real ally if they encourage behavior that will Make other ppl treat you badly. helpless neurotypicality :(#just as the ppl saying ableism is baked into terms & phrases used casually well beyond the [bad but lol guess not That Bad r word]#were definitely the ones Advancing Ableism by annoyingly overdoing the Polite Veneer you imagine they were Demanding#(rather than a more thorough questioning of language & accepted ''norms'' in pointing out the logics in their usage / basis)#simultaneously as being too much to ask it was also always so Frivolous as to not be worth the apparently infinitesimal effort#hmm guess we'll never solve the contradictions there....#not even with the ''openly saying 'see? i don't take ableism seriously & now it's Your Fault b/c i saw this & scoffed at it''' clues#& a final shoutout to the classic ''it's called being Realistic'' language in this & wherever else relevantly applied lol. we could go on
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and why?
reblog after voting!!
#like i don't understand do people really see a person they like/sort of like and immediately want to jump into a relationship? do you not#consider or rethink that decision do you wait till the other person confesses or do you confess first like there is so much to it#i wouldn't mind a situationship at all if i knew i wasn't in the right headspace to date then or vise versa for the other person ofc people#are allowed to move on and find someone to settle for but what's the hurry#or maybe i have never truly liked someone to the madness of imagining wedding and whole lifetime together#i am always aware whenever i start a situationship/relationship with someone that it'll end some day that there will come a time when#we'll have to leave & move on with life because well. we're still only 20 smth and life is unpredictable so#anyways would appreciate actual input from other people#v.polls
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Give Free A Task (WIP)
1: Tell me to do a household chore 2: Tell me to do an outdoor task 3: Tell me to go for a walk 4: Tell me to exercise 5: Tell me to take a selfie 6: Tell me to take a lewd 7: Tell me to read something 8: Tell me to read for an audio 9: Tell me to write something 10: Tell me to do a self-care task
#this is an experiment#outsourcing some light D/s almost#trying to dodge around executive dysfunction#we'll see how it goes I guess?#pinned post#(I'm going to use that tag for things I want people to find easily)#these are all things I've hard a tough time getting myself to do#especially recently#some are obviously a little less immediate than others#I tried to keep them fairly non-specific?#but if you'd like to get specific... well‚ try it‚ I guess?#and we'll see how it goes#I welcome feedback#for some of these I'll provide photographic evidence of completion#maybe in private‚ maybe not?#I'd prefer no one do this anonymously?#like I said‚ it's an experiment#maybe it'll work‚ maybe it won't#I usually do better when I feel beholden to someone else#than when I feel beholden to myself#but I'm not sure this kind of... drive-by instruction... will be enough to make me feel beholden#...I'm just rambling now
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