#and they both CARE abt each other and wish each other no harm. but ALSO theyre in the WAY of saving the world ITS GOOD ITS PEAK

[suntails]

stalemate

[femkon]

opinions i have that maybe u should share

this is fully bc i was having a convo in a group chat that i think more people should know about

dont ship real people. this originally came up in an irl convo with someone im kinda friends with, and somehow we started talking Abt stray kids or smth, and she said something about shipping two of them and i immediately locked in and started telling her to not do that bc its weird to ship real people, specially celebrities. u dont know their life or their feelings. its also disrespectful to the people u r shipping. what if they like someone else but cant express it bc "the yaoi!!!". and maybe they do like each other, good for u, but if they dont, what then? fanservice? being awkward? its also bad for ppl u know. i will make exceptions if both ppl like each other and know the other likes them (smth in my friend group rn), bc then they actually reciprocate. but if u have friends and ur like "kiss, kiss, kiss, KISS, KISS, KISS!!!" they might start to distrust u, and distance themself from the other so they dont get shipped. its just disrespectful if they're real people. fictional? go wild long as its legal and not toxic.

respect ppl's beliefs. the amount of times my friends and i have had to remind this one dude (who I will call ay) that other people have different religions and political views is wild. even if u don't agree, its not worth getting in a fight. everytime someone around me is like "the day trump got elected was the greatest day for america" I'm like, "maybe for some, but ppl have differing opinions" while I wish I could spread my beliefs, but its a bit risky currently.

if ur not part of a group, do not speak for them. for example, Ay once started talking about choosing between Kamala and trump, and when asked why he chose trump, he talked about how trans women are just trying to sneak into women's restrooms or attack children and blah blah blah, and my response was, of course, "what stops men from doing that now? if someone was dead set on attacking women in restrooms, why would they transition for that?" how does this relate to the topic u may ask, but I then went with, "and I'm sure some generally are women. you're not trans, how do u know they aren't women and don't believe themselves to be?because because holy shit shut ur mouth, ur not a trans woman. I'm not either, complete oppisite actually (ftm), so I wouldnt speak for trans women. that'd be weird.

how u present does not equal ur gender. i personally present kinda femininely because i dont have a binder yet and still have a good amount of fem clothes, plus, extremely masc clothes are kinda ugly as shit. so u would probably look at me and think fem or enby. but that doesnt make me less of a guy. how u present doesnt make u any less of ur preferred gender or pronouns!!! u dont need to fit into the box that has been set for ur possible gender, because thats not made for u!!! u need to be u, not what ppl think of u. do what u want as long as it doesnt harm other or urself. present however u wanna, u know what u r and thats good enough <3

ur allowed to be basic. i see posts that r like "ure just like ever other bitch" and so what? every other bitch is hot. they look good. i dont care if its mainstream or some random tiktok subgenre, it is the clothes I wanna wear. what is ur problem with me liking clothes? u dont have to be unique. u dont have to be smth completely new. be like every other bitch. or don'. I'm not u. u r. who cares what i think? its ur body, ur outfit, and ur choice. not mine.

u dont have to know who u r. no matter if ur old, young, middle-aged, male, female, or smth in-between, u dont have to know. that is completely fine. u can be unlabled. u can be queer. it is whatever feels right to u. and if u dont know what feels right, u have a while to figure it out. ot maybe u never do. thats fine to. ur still u, and that's what matters. as long as u can not stress over it, it literally doesnt matter. be u. whether u is in a label or not.

i have more of these, but I'm now rlly irritated thinking of this, so I'm gonna stop before I smash my school laptop against the wall

[jkgnggj]

Question, is saiki & toritsuka's friendship better(healthier) or hii and toritsuka's?

Just a question!!! for me it's hii's and tori's

(Is healthier spelled wrong????)(ᗒᗣᗕ)՞

I FUCKING WROTE A LONG ASS ESSAY TO THIS AND WHEN I TRIED TO POST IT TUMBLR WAS LIKE "WOOPSIE SOMETHING WENT WRONG 🤪" BITCH !!! ANYWAYS SORRY FOR SUPER LATE REPLY I HAD TO RETYPE AND RESEARCH STUFF AND REWATCH THE EPS FOR THIS LOL

Ok so basically I think they're both healthy / unhealthy in their own ways its just up to ur interpretation yk. Like ultimately it's up to everyone to decide whether it's toxic or not in their hcs and fanon aus and stuff bc note everyone's gonna have the same opinion but to me I think both friendships are very healthy in their own right.

I think at first tori's def a bit selfish and only seeks out relationship out of his own selfish desires like he seems out Saiki bc of his cool powers (though there isn't much wrong with wanting to befriend someone bc u think they're cool) but he also mentions he wishes he had those powers and then he goes on to try and make saiki use his powers for saikis benefit (aka be popular and get a girl) which again isn't like the worst thing ever like it's obvious Tori would want his only friend to help set him up with someone but the way he does it is a bit disingenuous bc he's pretending to be something or someone he's not. But regardless saiki always helps him even if he doesn't actually help lol sometimes he sabotages him tho usually Tori does that to himself LMAO. But saikis supportive of Tori even tho he insults him and shit he's just a tsundere who doesn't know how to show affection and his way of doing it is a lil violent but he doesn't actually ever harm Tori he always heals him and stuff when he actually physically does damage so Tori can't even feel it when his insides explode lmaooo. Also saikis constantly helping Tori become a better person and do the right things. And u could say it's "toxic" or one-sided cuz only Tori gets something out of their friendship but that's simply not true bc saiki gets a friend out of Tori and the first friend to know Abt his powers too, the first person out of his family to know him for who he truly is powers and all. He's also really reliable even if he's kinda incompetent or useless he is still a huge help when it counts. Tori's constantly putting saiki above his selfish desires when it really matters. They each give and take from each other which I think is necessary for a healthy relationship tbh. It's not one sided at all bc they each risk their lives for each other (cat tank arc).

As for hiitori like any relationship Tori pursues it's a lil superficial at first bc he's got unpure intentions and like selfish reasons for approaching her. He wanted to flirt with her and date her simple as that he wants to be loved lol. And he's a bit of a jerk Abt it bc altho he's nice and kind to her u could say he's probably mostly or at least partly doing it to end up dating her or so she doesn't end up hating him or losing feelings for him bc he's never really had a girl like him for more than like 0.2 seconds. He approaches Saiki to help cure her unluckiness so that he can date her without the fear of getting killed (which like sorta fair but at the same time still douchey lol). He also gives up and runs away bc he's a coward and tries to dump her into Saiki and Mikos hands bc again he's selfish and prioritizes his life over anything else but he tries to protect her (and himself, or maybe himself and by extension he protects her) when they're together like when he offers to take the dangerous chemicals to class himself instead of letting her touch them. So you could say his motives are more Abt self preservation than love but I do think he still cares about her safety and well being (even if at first it's just bc hes desperately and selfishly attached to her love for him). And he gets a lil "toxic" or like possessive when satous in the pic bc now he's got a love rival and he doesn't really like being dumped over the average dude (like fair again but it's still seen as toxic bc he calls hii-chan his girl LMAO) and so he tries to get between them right but backs off when he's literally almost killed at the stationary store haha what a coward. But then when they find out why she's so unlucky although reluctantly Tori ends up helping Saiki figure out how to cure her misfortune. And u could argue he only did it for Saiki's sake so he could praise. Him or be proud of him but I think the reason (if not most of the reason anyways) he does it is because he does genuinely care about hii-chan's safety at the end. He can't just leave a poor cute defenseless girl with that shitty guardian spirit. She's the first girl who's ever really had feelings for him for this long and like genuinely doesn't hate him or whatever so ofc he's gonna have a lil soft spot for her she's the closest thing he has to a friend in class since most of the girls hate him and call him "pervitsuka" and shit so im sure he was trying to be legit helpful and useful to if he wouldn't get recognition for it. I mean he goes full on mom mode on the guardian spirit and then nendou sr comes and goes mom mode sr on the dude too and cleans him up and then it's still not enough so Tori sacrifices (literally, he holds a fucking funeral for them) his getas burning them at the stake just so the guardian spirit can be happy and protect hii-chan like he should've been. He doesn't even complain about giving up his high heels what a brave girl he is 😔💔 oh u also made a post I think Abt how when tori was missing for a whole fucking week the only one who noticed was hii-chan and she went and told Saiki and that's the only reason he found out lol. Maybe it's because the dude sits next to her in class or bc he was her first friend at pk or her first love of something but whatever the reason it was still incredibly thoughtful of her to worry about him and his wellbeing. That's something that didn't really occur to kusuo so I guess if u really wanna pin them against each other hii-chan wins by being the more thoughtful of the two but hey Saiki felt guilty and wanted to rescue Toritsuka despite him being brainwashed and hating him at the moment that he risked his life for him just so he wouldn't get hurt by the cat tank so I think they can't really be compared since. They're different circumstances lol.

Anyways, I think that although his motives for starting any relationship and approaching anyone are usually selfish, Tori sticks around and helps them when they need it. Both saiki and suzumiya are important for Toritsuka's growth as a person / character and their relationships are both fairly healthy at least by the end. I think toritsuka loves and cares for suzumiya and saiki as much as they do for him <3

[criminalcase-confessions]

karenfrank/workaholic is such a good ship i think about it CONSTANTLY. the way they interact with each other is funny but its also teasing - you can tell they wouldn't actually wish harm upon each other. hell, amy was more mean to karen compared to frank. plus, they both really do care for each other considering when they're not in front of each other they talk about each other with an almost-fondness - something that wouldn't be expected for a couple that would've been divorced for years! also also, a fact that gets overlooked with the two is the fact that they didn't divorce because they weren't in love - they divorced because of frank's alcoholism issues. and even with FULL CUSTODY of daisy after the divorce (which would be expected as frank is an alcoholic) she still let daisy keep in contact with her father, its just that daisy didn't WANT to talk to frank as she thought he was lame. i literally could go on and on abt their interactions, how much they loved each other and how much i don't like how people try to simplify them into moulds when they're both complex characters who have similar reasonings for their actions but i do not wanna clog up the asks too much so i will hold myself back for now YEFWGUFWE but anyways love karenfrank so much they will forever be my number 1 ship

🔍

[midgarmosquito]

sooo instead of fantastic beasts 2 and 3 (which sucked) i wish we just got a 10-ep series abt newt going across pre-ww2 europe & cataloguing magical creatures 🤷‍♂️

maybe he noticed the creatures he had were oddly distrssed and went off to find the cause? maybe they sensed dark forces, aka. grindelwald's rise to power, the way birds can sense a storm

perhaps the creatures further east were more distrssed than those on the west? he couldve noticed that on his usual travels, or read some vague reports in the daily prophet

but ofc, the wizarding world doesnt rly care much abt magical creatures yet at this point. so the reports are pretty nonchalant and borderline joking

yet, they contain details that are pretty alarming to newt. maybe creatures harming themselves? or others? attacking muggle towns? herbivores suddenly hunting other animals? weird hybrids popping up that shouldn't even exist?

maybe its grindelwald experimenting with the idea of using creatures to gain power but psssst we dont know the reason yet ok

so newt sets off eastwards to figure our tf is going on. starting from britain and ending in ep 10 in romania (as we've learned in hp, romania has DRAGONS 🔥🔥🔥)

every ep has a different magical creature as the focus. some we know from hp (hippogriffs?), some are new. dark creatures (stuff from defense the dark arts classes in hp) also show up so there's action lol

and maybe grindelwald's minions are also on newt's tail? trying to stop him from sniffing around?

ofc jacob tags along because due to wizards not giving a fyck abt magical creatures yet, newt's only guides are local muggle rumors and fairy tales. and newt's a very awkward wizard, while jacob is an incredibly likable and normal man to whom villages readily open up

tina tags along too, because she's an american auror and is trying to figure out whatever dark forces could be gathering (but might be doing that in secret from local authorities cause politics).

theseus is there for the same reason except from the british ministry

we could have a slow burn romance with tina where newt's rly awkward and tina's rly reserved but they clearly care abt each other & over time & experiences, they bond

like newt has no idea how to be in a relationship or show feelings and might even doubt if there's space in his life for another person, considering how long he's been alone and how obsessed he is with his work. he's also kinda always been alone so it's all a strange new situation for him

tina, on the other hand, is incredibly guarded and careful to the point of seeming cold. over time she learns that yes, some people can be trusted.

oh and both learn to actually communicate lol

theseus has actually persuaded the ministry to send him (with some difficulty) because he was worried abt newt and wanted to be around to help. but he doesn't admit this, at first claiming the ministry made him come and that it's even a hassle for him.

he cares abt newt but theseus is a very regular dude who thinks newt's very weird. he loves his brother but struggles to relate to him at all. maybe even infantalizes him a bit? is overbearing?

over time he kinda Gets what newt wants to do and gets a newfound respect for him and learns to accept his weirdness and learns boundaries. and, again, communication lessons for both

i dunno how to shoehorn queenie into this but yeah she could be here too... if i think of a good pretext lol maybe she's just following jacob along

and queenie & jacob are very lovey-dovey but maybe they struggle with the realization that being together might mean being ostractized by their communities

maybe they get rly dramatic and queenie does an Edward Cullen like going "I never loved you" and breaks his heart because she believes he's better off without her

but ofc it horribly backfires and she admits what she did and the whole thing is a mess and they do get back together. but like everyone else, they learn to Communicate

and our merry band of misfits visits both other wizarding schools mentioned in hp (i dont remember their names sorry 😔🤡)

the french school has fairies and half-fairies in it and they have a connection to nature. so they give newt's concerns more attention than anyone else so far. newt's pretty stoked abt that, but there isn't much they can do. maybe the headmaster is too sceptical, despite other staff willing to help newt. maybe grindelwald's dark influence has spread, and the headmaster mistrusts foreigners, muggles, and wizards friendly with muggles as a result

the german school is far less welcoming. maybe they think he's a weirdo too. here grindelwald's influence is even stronger. but perhaps a student or young teacher comes out to help regardless of directive. maybe out of respect for newt's pure guts, wandering dangerous forests and risking everything for his beliefs. after all, their school values being stoic, and this student considers newt to fit this ideal. maybe they help the group find a giant (but i dont think giants are technically magical creatures...?) or an ice monster or something

i've always been fascinated by those other magical school, but we never got a glimpse. so i'd love it if they were very creative and had detailed interiors and exteriors. maybe the french one is an enormous living tree? maybe the german one is entirely underground?

along the way we might also meet other characters, both muggles and wizards, who help or hinder our heroes' journey. maybe we also meets other authors of future hogwarts books, or parents of known characters in hp. neville's parents are an idea, but i dunno if it's possible timeline-wise 🥴

along the way jacob helps a lot using the skills he has (strong social skills, loyalty, a good heart, maybe also knowledge of muggle affairs) and as such is a counterpoint to grindelwald's philosophy of wizard superiority

oh and in ep 1 newt has a near-death experience with a magical creature. rather than blaming the creature, he's understanding and just says the creature was distressed. (other people think he's insane, though.) this does scare him, though - what would happen to his beloved creatures if he was done? what about his body of work? his painstakingly acquired knowledge of magical creatures?

so he starts compiling his notes and writing a book, with doubles as an instruction manual on how to care for magical creatures. but he has no one to pass on his notes to, and it bothers him

maybe he tried to give the notes to dumbledore, but dumbledore smiles and says to give him the book when it's fully done

(dumbledore's lobbying in hogwarts to introduce care of magical creatures as a subject, but wont tell newt yet since its still uncertain)

oh and the eps can start with newt narrating the corresponding parts of his book. the ep's very first shot is always that shaggy, agressive meanace of a book we see in hp. then we see newt's hand carefully patting it, opening it, then reading

over time, he learns to trust his companions, and they begin to understand his work. maybe in like ep 9 he opens up abt his fear of dying and not being able to take care of his menagerie. so they all promise to care abt the creatures using newt's book, should anything happen to him

obv it does, he dies in ep 10 😭 maybe by sacrificing himself while trying to stop grindelwald from enchanting a dragon to do his evil bidding or something

his companions are sad ofc and they do keep caring abt his creatures. we see a montage of all of them doing so, jacob clumsily trying to feed some huge creature, theseus getting bitten, tina sadly stroking the back of some bird-like or horse-like thing

we can have a post-credits scene where, many years later, hagrid's teaching care of magical creatures. maybe fondly talking abt newt and wishing he could've met the man who Understood so deeply why all creatures matter

so yeah thats the kind of fantastic beasts content i crave and think about

and this is how i chose to spend my morning 😃 detailing my imaginary series into the void 😃

jk i regret nothing, this was rlyy fun to brainstorm about ☺🥰

[winter-soldier-vibes]

avenger!reader who suffers from depression and is really hard on herself/themself and blames themself after a mission went wrong and locks themselves out, bucky is worried abt them and comforts them

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count:3102 (wow I went off the rails a bit huh 😅)

Warnings: self-blame, mentions of death, nightmares, panic attacks, breakdown, lots of tears, this one’s really angsty, flashbacks, some fluff/comfort but so much angst

A/N: I loved this request and had a great time writing it. This one’s a lil more angsty than I usually do and deals with some heavier themes than some of my other ones, so please take care of yourself and heed the warnings. I love you guys so much!

There was nothing you could have done.

You were the first off the quinjet, anxious to get out of the unbearable silence.

You kept your head down as you walked quickly to your room, trying to make as little noise as possible, stumbling to get into your room as fast as possible, locking the door behind you as you let the tears fall.

You looked up at the ceiling, trying to stave off your breakdown as you tried to keep taking even breaths.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” you said in a small voice.

“Yes?” the AI responded.

You took a shaky breath, trying to keep your voice even. “Turn on soundproofing, please.”

“As you wish. I am picking up on signs of distress, would you like me to call Sergeant Barnes?”

You shook your head violently at the thought of anyone, especially your boyfriend seeing you like this. “No.”

“Are you sure? Would you like me to call -”

“Don’t let anyone in this room.”

“As you wish, Y/n.”

You heard a noise indicating that the room had been soundproofed.

And you lost it.

You brought a hand to your face and sank back against the wall, shoulders shaking with the force of your sobs. You pushed yourself back against the wall, trying to ground yourself. Your mind flashed back to the mission you had just returned from and you let out an agonizing scream.

You’ll never forget the looks on their faces.

“Y/n, come on we have to go!”

“Wait - no I almost have them!”

“Help us - please - no don’t go!”

Blood curdling screams that didn’t belong to you, followed by your own.

A building had collapsed on an innocent family in the aftermath of the fight. You tried to get them out, but you were too late, Steve pulling you away at the last second before you were taken out too.

You were so angry, you had been so close - if you had seen them sooner, if you had just a few more seconds, maybe you could’ve gotten them out.

The last thing that they saw was their only hope being pulled away from them before being suffocated.

You were the last thing they saw, you had promised to get them out.

And you had lied to them.

The last thing they felt was hope that they’d see another day. No - the last thing they felt was betrayal and fear when they realized that one of the world’s greatest heroes couldn’t be their hero too.

The moments that had followed were a blur, your eyes frozen on where their eyes had been, shock coursing through your veins. You had seen someone die before but...not like that. Not when you could’ve maybe saved them.

The shock quickly bubbled into anger as you turned to Steve.

“Why the FUCK would you do that? I could’ve saved them!”

“You would’ve died Y/n!”

“If you hadn’t been distracting me then maybe I would’ve gotten them out in time!”

You had angry tears in your eyes, hitting Steve’s chest and doing exactly nothing to his broad form while he tried to console you.

“Get the fuck away from me! I could’ve saved them, this is YOUR fault.”

The ride back was silent. No one dared to talk to you about what had happened. You felt bad after a while but you couldn’t apologize without completely crumbling. If you opened your mouth you were certain that sobs would come rather than words.

You did feel horrible for what you said, because it wasn’t true. It wasn’t Steve’s fault.

It was yours.

So you waited until you returned to the privacy of your room, screaming bloody murder over the guilt you felt. Replaying what had happened, telling yourself everywhere you had gone wrong, every hesitation that could’ve given you an extra few seconds.

You felt like you’d never stop seeing their eyes, paralyzed by fear.

You were the last thing they saw, and now you would remember their last moment for the rest of yours.

You couldn’t imagine the amount of pain and fear they had felt when they realized they weren’t getting out of the rubble alive. That they would die as a part of a warzone they didn’t intend to be a part of. The feeling of hope draining from their bodies, blood running cold as they realized they had mere seconds left.

“No!” you screamed at the top of your lungs, body curling in on itself as you drew your knees in and wrapped your arms around your torso, sick to your stomach.

This was your fault, and you would never forget it.

---

The rest of the team had sighed as they watched you get off the quinjet, walking a bit too fast to be alright. They shared concerned looks with each other, watching your form disappear into the compound.

You weren’t okay, but after what had happened when Steve tried to approach you, they thought it best to give you some space.

The rest of them entered the compound, going their separate ways as Steve sat to down and ran a hand down his face, trying to get his mind off of what had happened. He was shaken up too, but he couldn’t lose you like that. You would die protecting strangers, and while he thought that was noble, he wondered when there wouldn’t be someone to pull you out in time.

Bucky had come down to check on you, knowing that the team had gotten back from a mission. But before he could knock on the door, F.R.I.D.A.Y. spoke. “Sergeant Barnes, Y/n has requested that she not be disturbed.”

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows, both in concern and confusion. Usually when a mission hit you hard, you would talk to him about what had happened. So either you were just tired, or this was worse than it had ever been.

He clenched his jaw and stood there for another few moments before he walked away, heading towards anyone who may be able to tell him what happened on the mission.

He came into the common room, seeing Steve doing a mission report. Well - the mission report was in front of him and he was staring blankly at it.

“Steve?” Bucky said softly, trying not to startle him.

Steve didn’t look up.

“Steve,” Bucky said a little louder.

Steve looked up from the papers, shaking his head slightly. “Hey, Buck. What’s up?”

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked, taking in Steve’s tired appearance and how his mind seemed elsewhere.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Steve said, barely looking at Bucky.

“You know, I’ve taken care of enough black eyes from mister back-alley hero to know when you’re not really fine.” Bucky said with a small smirk.

Steve’s eyes flicked up to Bucky’s as he sighed. “It’s not me you should be worried about,” he muttered.

“What happened?” Bucky asked.

Steve recounted the mission to his friend, Bucky getting increasingly concerned about you. He knew you had a tendency to blame yourself for different things, and he knew what blaming yourself for someone’s death was like, even if you couldn’t control the situation.

Bucky was brainwashed. You were too late. Two different things, but the survivor's guilt was excruciating.

“Is she okay?” Bucky asked nervously.

“She didn’t get hurt, if that’s what you mean,” Steve started, “but she seemed pretty shaken up. You haven’t talked to her?”

“She doesn’t want to be bothered,” Bucky said.

Steve nodded. “Just give her some time,” he said, worriedly.

Bucky nodded, though unconvinced. He bottled up his emotions until the two of you met. Ever since the two of you never kept anything from each other. And he knew that seeing someone die and feeling at fault for it could destroy you. He wasn’t sure if time and space was what you needed.

But it was what you wanted right now. So he wouldn’t get in the way.

----

Back in your room you were curled in a ball on the floor, sobs wracking your body as you lost all sense of time and space and all you knew was it hurt and if you closed your eyes they were right there and you couldn’t do anything about it. You had a hand pressed to your chest as you tried to breathe but eventually gave way to a new surge of agony when your mind went back to how people died and you couldn’t help them.

You tried to calm down but then your mind would remind you that they had a family and they would never see them again and it was your fault.

“Stop, please just stop,” you put your hands over your ears as you tugged slightly on your hair.

They died terrified.

“Please make it stop,” you sobbed.

You were supposed to help them and you failed.

“No, God, please stop…”

They died because of you

----

You had fallen asleep on the floor at some point, when, you weren’t sure, but you woke up to your own screams. You were drenched in a cold sweat, dried tears on your face and chest heaving as you tried to breathe. You brought your hands to your mouth when you realized it was just a dream, sobbing once again.

You didn’t know why these people’s death was hitting you harder than any other death you had seen. This wasn’t the first time you had seen people die - far from it. You’d killed your fair share of agents without a hint at remorse. Because they deserved it.

You’d seen buildings burn down, fall apart, innocent people die - but you’d never felt as responsible as you did this time. Because they were right there. And you were so close.

But they still died and you saw their last moments. And you were theirs.

And it was destroying you.

----

You didn’t leave your room the following day. Or the day after that.

Needless to say, the team was extremely worried about you. Especially Bucky.

He knew what survivor’s guilt could do to a person, and he knew being alone with your thoughts wasn’t helping. He also knew that pushing the topic could do much more harm than good, causing you to retreat further into yourself.

He tried texting you, wanting to let you know that he was there for you, that he was worried about you, and that he loved you.

None of them went though because your phone was off, you having not even looked at it since coming back from the mission.

F.R.I.D.A.Y. was still telling everyone that you did not want to be disturbed, as you had requested. Obviously Tony had the power to override the locks, but again, no one wanted to push you.

When it had been 3 days since you had seen any sunlight, Bucky had had enough. He knew you couldn’t be taking proper care of yourself and he couldn’t let you do that to yourself. He had Tony override your locks and he came to your door, knocking gently.

“Y/n?”

Silence.

He knocked again, a little louder. “Y/n? I’m coming in, alright?”

Silence.

Bucky took a deep breath before he opened your door slowly, peeking his head in. it was the middle of the afternoon and your room was dark, the only light coming from the hallway and from the cracks between the shades, which were drawn shut.

Bucky let himself in and turned on a lamp, shutting the door behind him. He looked at you with worried eyes as he took in your appearance.

You were pressed up against the headboard of your bed, knees drawn to your chest as you stared blankly, your eyes fixated on your bedsheets. Your eyes were red, face blotchy, your hair was a mess and you were still wearing your uniform from the mission.

“You shouldn’t be here,” you said quietly, voice raspy from yelling these past few days.

“Y/n -”

“Get out,” you said quietly, though not angrily.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, y/n.”

“Please,” you said, cursing yourself as your voice cracked. You didn’t want to breakdown in front of Bucky.

“It’s not your fault, y/n.”

You pushed yourself off of the bed, shaking your head. “I’m not doing this right now, Bucky.”

“You’re going to have to talk about it at some point, y/n.”

“Not if I can help it.”

“This kind of thing isn’t going to go away, okay? Time heals but not by itself.” You weren’t listening as you ran a hand over your face, overwhelmed.

“Please, talk to me y/n. You’re going to make yourself sick.”

“I’m fine.”

“This isn’t fine. Not taking care of yourself and living in the dark staring at the wall isn’t fine, y/n. Please, don’t hide from me. It’s just me, y/n.”

You shook your head, eyes glazed over like glass. “I could’ve saved them.” you said simply.

“Y/n, there was nothing -”

“BULLSHIT!” You yelled. “There had to have been something I could do, if I had gotten there earlier or - or if I had moved faster or been stronger then I could’ve gotten them out! It’s my fault they’re dead okay? I couldn’t save them and that’s my fault!”

Bucky walked over to you slowly, asking you to look at him. “It isn’t your fault, y/n. The building collapsed, no one could’ve gotten them out.”

“I could have saved them.” you said again, tears falling down your face. “I could have gotten them out. I was the last thing they saw and you know what I was doing? Being carried away like some coward. They died afraid because a superhero couldn’t save them. And that’s on me.”

Bucky shook his head slightly. “You can’t save everyone, y/n.”

“So what, am I supposed to choose? I’m supposed to choose whether I save people or move on because they aren’t part of the mission? Am I supposed to let them die?” you asked incredulously.

“You can’t risk your own life like that, y/n.”

“What? And pretend like my life is any more important than theirs?!” you exclaimed.

“Y/n -”

“No, why do I have the right to walk away from people because I’m afraid of getting hurt when they’re about to die? What gives me that right?”

“Because I can’t lose you!” Bucky exclaimed. “Yes, those people matter, but goddamn it y/n, you have helped so many people and you will keep saving so many people, but you can’t do that if you’re dead. We help who we can and mourn the rest. It’s not your fault that those people died. There was nothing that you could have done.”

“But if I had a few more seconds -”

“The building still would have fallen and you’d be asking yourself for a few more seconds. There is nothing you or anyone else could’ve done.”

You stayed silent, more tears falling from your eyes. Bucky pulled you in for a hug as your shoulders started to shake with more sobs. “I know it doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it’s not your fault.”

“I can’t stop seeing the look they had on their faces,” you shook your head. “Everytime I try to sleep I see them and I can’t make it go away. And I want to forget but I don’t deserve to and it hurts but I don’t deserve to forget.”

“I know, I know,” Bucky said, knowing all too well what being haunted by the fear on someone’s face was like. “But it’s not your fault. You didn’t let them die, y/n. You would’ve given anything to save them, if Steve hadn’t pulled you away you would’ve died with them. You didn’t run away even though you knew you would die if you stayed. You do know that right?”

“I don’t care.”

“I don’t think you mean that,” Bucky said softly. You felt new tears fall from your eyes as you hid your face into Bucky’s chest.

“You can’t tell me that nothing could be done. You can’t tell me that innocent people were going to die and that’s the way it has to be. That isn’t fair,” you spoke through your tears.

Bucky pulled back to wipe the tears from your face and look you in the eyes. “They were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and you did everything in your power to save them. It’s not your fault that you got there too late. Those HYDRA agents who destroyed the city - it’s their fault. Not yours.”

“I’m supposed to protect people,” you said as you shrugged and shook your head slightly. “If I can’t do that then what am I?”

“A person who is trying their best. You don’t always have to be everyone’s hero. You don’t have to take responsibility for everyone, that’s too much to expect of anyone. It’s not your responsibility to save everyone because you can’t. But you’ve saved so many people that would’ve died if you weren’t there. You are so important, but you have to stay alive to help more people.”

You took a shaky breath. “Those people were going to die no matter what,” you whispered, more to yourself than to Bucky. Your chest tightened again and you felt sick. “Oh my God,” you said, the acceptance of the fact brought on a new wave of emotions as your knees felt weak.

Bucky pulled you back into his chest again, rubbing a hand up and down your back. “It’s not your fault, y/n.”

“Then why does it hurt so much?” you sobbed against his chest.

“Because you have a good heart.”

You shook your head against his chest. “I don’t want one if it means it’s going to hurt this much.”

“It’s okay, y/n. It’s gonna be okay, I’ve got you.”

“Please make it stop. I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”

Bucky felt tears sting his own eyes at your pain, holding you tighter against him. He cleared his throat before saying “I can’t make it go away. But I’m here to hold you and do everything I can to make it better. I’m not going anywhere y/n.”

He held you against his chest, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

--------

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[funnywormz]

whats ur opinion on jean vicquemare? like. his relationship w harry n whatnot

ohhh jean is such a fascinating and complex character........ likewise with his relationship with harry. i am gonna put my thoughts under the cut so i don't annoy anyone too much with a long rant lol

i think jean, much like many other characters in disco elysium, is a shitty person but not without good intentions. he's got a pretty abrasive and callous personality at times, and we do get hints that he's harmed and mistreated people through his role at the rcm. but regardless of that, he's still a deeply fascinating character. in himself, he can be relatable and pitiable and unintentionally hilarious to me at times. but a lot of my interest in him comes from his dynamic with harry.

to me ive always interpreted his relationship with harry as a platonic but nonetheless deeply close and codependent one, at least before martinaise......... i think that maybe jean once looked up to harry, and even when he realises what harry is actually like, he still admires his can-opening abilities and tenacity. over the years they would have had to have a deep understanding of one another to solve so many cases together. jean does seem to genuinely care abt harry.

jean has clearly grown burnt out and tired with dealing with harry over all of these years. but i also think that at least harry's dumpster fire of a life/personality was something that was familiar to him, something he understood. throughout the game, the player has the potential to make harry "better", to lead him to choices which are better for himself and others.

it's clear that jean believes harry's behaviour in-game is a passing phase/completely fake, which is interesting. obviously it's probably a logical inference based on things he's seen harry do before, he knows that harry will go through phases of trying to get better only to crash and burn, and he knows that harry is capable of being manipulative. but i think it's also a form of wishful thinking.

a drunk, unhinged harrier is something jean knows very well, and it's the "version" of harry that he's always seen. this "new" harry, while still being the same person, is also very different. he doesn't recognise jean, he doesn't laugh at his jokes, he doesn't react as intended to jean's insults or jabs at him. he's also doing better (although this depends on how you play the game ofc).

i can't help but wonder how that makes jean feel. probably a bit left behind. harry gets to completely shed his old life, to move on and become something better, while jean is stuck dealing with all of the bullshit and emotional baggage the old harry left him with. i doubt that it feels very fair from his perspective. it probably feels like harry ditched him, left him holding the bag and bounced.

i also think that there's an aspect of mourning to their relationship now. the old harry was shitty, sure, but he was jean's friend and they understood each other very deeply. now that harry is just. gone. he's basically dead. but also harry is still there right in front of him, and he's different now, he's better, and yet jean can't help but miss the old harry, feel like he lost him. he's mourning someone who's still alive. someone who's right there in front of him. the old harry, and all of their memories together, are gone forever, and yet he can't rlly process it properly because harry is still there. fucked up.

those are basically my thoughts abt their relationship. i think it was deeply unhealthy for both of them and it's probably better for jean's mental health to have a less toxically codependent friendship with harry. but nonetheless there was a strong friendship there which is gone now........... sorry these thoughts aren't very well collected or articulated lol i hope you enjoyed reading them anyways

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Imagine if the suitors went to the beach for a whole day in the modern world...what crazy crap do you think will happen

Here are a handful of crazy and/or cute headcanons that came to mind! :D

-Mozart swatting away seagulls because HE IS TRYING TO EAT IN PEACE

-Jeanne watching him, MC offering him two water guns with a silent nod (sunglasses on, we’re going full meme)

-Jeanne then proceeds to shoot at them (no gulls were harmed in making of this promotional video) and his aim is impeccable it would be disturbing if the thwarted squawking wasn’t so funny

-Little kids start swarming around Jeanne asking how he’s so amazing and wanting to play team battles, inviting him to join

-Napoleon encourages him, and even Mozart joins in despite not liking getting wet very much (he wants Jeanne to have some positive fun times bc he BIIIIIIIG depressy)

-In the end they both admit to having fun, and one of the kids even teaches Jeanne a special ten step handshake (Jeanne has no idea what that was but the kiddo was smiling so he figured he’d go with it)

-HE AND MOZART STILL SECRETLY USE THE HANDSHAKE FOR FUNSIES BUT TELL NO ONE BECAUSE THEY DON’T LIKE F U N DON’T LOOK AT THEM

-Dazai, alternatively, gathers the fallen gull army and becomes their god with a singular cylinder of Pringles. No I will not elaborate--THE SEA GULLS GOT HER!!!!!!!!

-Spends most of the beach day wetting his feet in the tide pools and talking very earnestly to the gulls about this new thing he learned about called tax evasion while people pass by this fucker in full kimono at the beach and are convinced he’s lost it

-Dazai is very much not sane but we knew this already, offers sea shells to little kids that ask him what he’s doing and tells them to listen to the secrets bird friends can tell them

-If Dazai sounds like an Animal Crossing Villager, that was entirely by accident but remains no less true

-Surprising absolutely no one, Arthur suggests volley ball after watching people play and invites some pretty ladies to join him

-Arthur ends up needing two more people to play, so he invites Vincent and Theo (Vincent is so excited about trying something new that Theo can’t say no despite wanting to make a volleyball-shaped crater in Arthur’s face)

-The funniest part about the volleyball game is that not only is Arthur a shit player (CANON WEAK ARMS FOOL) Theo destroys with his spikes, and Vincent’s reach is insane--the two brothers end up becoming the talk of the beach

-I just laugh imagining Vincent sincerely complimenting people around him and the ladies swooning because he’s just so nice and pretty is he even real

-Men aren’t happy about that^TM but at the sight of Theo’s defensive glower they keep their malicious traps shut--which turn on whichever girls weren’t interested in Vincent jahkslgjh

-**Kaguyasama narrator voice** Today on Arthur Shenanigans: Arthur loses

-Poor Isaac is hiding under the umbrella clutching sunscreen bc HE IS A PASTY BOY HELP HIM

-MC brought a few of the newest Maths/Physics books in her time for him to read, and while he doesn’t enjoy the intensity of the sun--not like vamp weakness, it’s just the strain on his body (too many stimuli too many people too much noise) that makes him tired and ultimately thirsty bc aberrant. But the change of scenery's not so bad.......

-MC laughs when she gets out of the water and the salt dries visibly on her skin, Isaac’s eyes bug out and he asks if it hurts (startles when Leo flicks sea water at him and asks how on earth they got in the water when it’s so cold!!!)

-Leo chats with him and he likes being able to draw theorems and the like in the sand, it’s like one big chalkboard (until a kid tramples across them in the middle of writing, POPPYCOCK!). Isaac ultimately has fun but prefers to stay inside poor bub

-Leonardo, surprising no one, falls asleep in the sand the second he gets there HE IS HOME (Italian beaches, amirite)

-MC decides to, after a point, bury him fully in the sand for shits

-Comte notices and aids in her shenanigans from his beach chair, snickering the whole time

-When the two are satisfied they go for a swim together, trusting Leo to look after Isaac if need be (even if he’s a mummy rn)

-Comte is relieved to hear that she knows how to swim, but also watches carefully and doesn’t let her drift out too far by keeping closer to the shore himself (riptides!!!! can be!!!!!!! dangerous!!!!!!!!!!) if he had his way (he would never impose but he worries ;-;) she’d be wearing floaties SAFETY FIRST

-They splash at each other like maniacs and chat amiably until they start swimming away as fast as possible when Leo wakes up, laughing

-How do we know that Leo woke up?

-Because he sat up ramrod straight and a tower of sand fell. He then proceeded to jump up and sprint to the water despite Isaac’s startled cries about being careful, and swam after them like a shark to get his revenge (it was like something out of an anime s2g)

-Mostly just tugs on MC’s leg, picks her up in the water, and yeets her across in retaliation; really harmless, she’s cackling the whole time

-Dunks Comte’s head in the water while he’s being scolded, and MC has to de-escalate their increasingly dangerous shenanigans before the life guard comes after them LMFAO

-They concede only bc MC looks sad/worried abt being kicked out, and agree to keep things fun FIGHT TO THE DEATH LATER TONIGHT

-Napoleon goes for a nice long walk along the shoreline and climbs the rocks if he finds any til he gets to the top (he does not go to his happy place HE GOES TO HIS HIGH LONESOME PLACE) wishes that Jupiter could be here to enjoy the brine

-Our boy Napoleon is simply just vibin he loves the beach. A little further off the sound of people is p muted, it’s just the crashing waves and crisp smell of salt, the light breeze ruffling his hair 

-Sebas is absolutely watching through binoculars and writing down how majestic Napoleon is while making sure no one gets lost/wrecked as he takes notes

Bonus: since volleyball games can often happen back to back on a sizable beach, the boys^TM were playing and Arthur called out “Theo duck!!!!” and just as Theo was saying “Are you fucking kidding me did you really think I’d--T H W A C K” Theo gets nailed in the back of the head (Arthur later died after being put in a headlock)

Shakespeare didn’t feel like playing volley ball and didn’t have much else to do (can’t swim and has no interest), so he just sat back and tried to throw Theo off his game as much as possible 

Por ejemplo: Theo misses a serve and Shakespeare just “For never was there a story of more woe; O bard Alexa, verily, play us Despacito” “SHUT THE FUCK UP”

Jeanne also gets hit by a stray volley ball, but when Vincent said “Oh no, Jeanne, duck!” he has one of either two reactions: 1. Boulevard of Broken Dreams plays obnoxiously loud as he dodges inhumanly fast 2. he quacks, gets nailed, and doesn’t react because he doesn’t have any brain cells to damage

[felikatze]

Just wanted to say thank you so much for all the brainworms you have been giving me and my friends for the past few hours about Ayin and all the analyses you've been doing about him.

I have been losing my mind in the middle of the night thinking about all the things you've said, turning it over like crazy and trying to compare it with the gameplay I've had of Lobotomy Corporation and Library of Ruina.

Please do more analysis and share more of your ideas! Please? Please, with cherry on top? Please, I beg of you?

Especially if you have in-depth ideas of analyses for the Sephirah and how it relates to both their own characters and Ayin and Angela.

I thank you greatly in advance!

the implication that i've infected an entire friend group with my brainworms is power that will 100% go to my head i feel amazing. what else is analysis posting except trying to inflict people with the same thoughts bouncing around your skull on repeat

i DO have shit on the sephirah but mostly netzach, because i love netzach, and i in fact found my discord ramble about him (and chesed)

i dont have things on how they relate to A and Angela specifically because I mainly kept thinking abt Reverbaration Ensemble parallels... i have so many thoughs abt Netzach and Bremen.

(but if you want me to talk about, say, a specific core supression, or floor realization... i have a lot of thoughts on floor realizations.)

First off I am so sorry that you seem to think I'm smart because that means i have the perfect opportunity to inflict you with this

okay now we can get to the serious stuff

[transcript:

containment breach:

quick ramble abt lor again but i love the ensemble receptions so much. i'm at chesed's rn, and i know he's been chill the entire game, but him just refusing to comment on jae-hoon's tragedy seems, out of context, a dick move, but also is so important for chesed to do? he recognizes that another's suffering is not related to him, that he can't do anything about it, and that this is fine. The closest i'd describe chesed in lobcorp would be "activist burnout." Due to betraying the lab from garion's pressure, chesed was so consumed by guilt, he just blamed himself for everything and became more callous because it's already his fault, right? There's nothing he can do. But in lor, he knows what his responsibilities are, and allows himself joy where he can find it. I love the ensemble receptions bcuz they are just examplary of each patron libriarian's growth and i iqbfjc (sobs)

GOD this sure is a paragraph

also have to salute netzach for carrying his scene all by himself as the musicians of bremen just (animal noises) :pray:

ykno being online i realize that i'm not quiet at all i am a complete and utter chatterbox /end]

[transcript:

containment breach:

thinking abt netzach's scene where he doesn't talk to bremen, because he can't, but recognizes this who has not only lost themself in their own art but also their own suffering

i just i love netzach so much his entire character arc is abt learning to live with depression and learning to want to live again

so he becomes unable to understand, really, why someone would sacrifice themselves for their own art

when he started out just, similar yet different from bremen, completely submerged in his own misery

musicians of bremen reminds me i still have bremen bon bons at home i should eat those. they r tasty /end]

i wanna specifically dig into this scene more because i love that scene, a lot.

Art as we get to know it in the City is irrevocably tied to violence. Puppets are made of human bodies, music is played on bones and sinews. To the artists of the City, to create art is to make someone suffer. Rewatching Netzach's story bits, Roland describes it as doing nothing but seeking stimulation and being provocative.

Furthermore, there is a direct comparison between art and alcohol. To paraphrase more, the Pianist must've been one hell of a stimulant, like getting hit by a strong booze. A performance some are still hungover from.

Netzach's main struggle was addiction because of depression, and his growing appreciation for art is a continuation of that arc. He says himself that art and alcohol are linked.

However, alcohol is a step down from hard drugs. Netzach hasn't quit, but just that step down shows he learned moderation, which makes me very proud of him.

Moderation is what the other.. let's just call them artists, lack. I said in the screencaps above, initially, Netzach was lost in his own suffering, and the musicians of bremen are lost in their art. And if art is seen as equal to suffering, that just means Netzach and Bremen are more similar than expected. (Especially considering what we see of the musicians previously; they’re always trying to chase the same high they experienced listening to the Pianist by any means necessary. The addiction parallels are not suprising.)

I rewatched most of Netzach's lor scenes, and what rlly gets me is that in his first one, he seems almost the exact same as in lobcorp. He doesn't want to work, he got dragged into this against his will, he feels as if his accomplishments are futile.

But! He eventually invites Roland for drinks. He's not drinking to forget alone anymore, he's doing it as social activity. Furthermore, the more time he spends as Patron Librarian of Arts, the more he grows to appreciate art. Art is tied to suffering, still, but it is an expression of suffering. It does not produce any. Or should not, in any case. He sure wishes it wouldn’t.

So we arrive at his Ensemble Reception. This one makes a rather interesting comparison: art as the pursuit of the light. Let me elaborate.

To quote, “Honestly, I wanna tell people to stop doing the kind of art that requires ‘em to immolate themselves and others. Although, on the other hand... I can kinda see where they’re coming from. Art narrows your vision, after all.

You stop caring about the things around you. That’s how most artists seem to act, I think. And so, you indulge in the craft, not realizing that you’re throwing yourself and your surroundings into the fire you started.”

I pose this: Netzach speaks of his experience as Giovanni. Giovanni was a researcher who, when push came to shove, willingly sacrificed himself to advance the project, in hopes of seeing the light, seeing Carmen, again.

Though he dislikes Bremen’s actions, he does not judge them for it, because he recognized that it would be hypocritical. Even so, what shows that he’s grown is that he.. doesn’t want to see people harm themselves anymore. The focus here isn’t if Bremen hurt other people, which they have, but how much of themselves they’ve given up for their performance. He condemns the act, and not the people.

“If I can see that light once more... If I have to muster up the courage to reach it, I’ll gladly do it. It’s easier said than done, though; you need a lot of fearlessness for it.

And I guess you saw the same kind of light I was so desperate to see, yeah? Even if yours was a twisted creature... [...] Though, I don’t think I can tell you off like the others. At least I can see the reason behind it.”

He even explicitly mentions the light. The funny thing is, both Giovanni and Bremen tried to reach the Seed of Light, and Carmen. It’s tragically hilarious that we know Carmen is the voice the Distortions hear.

Hell, the more I think about it, the more you can just compare the Ensemble as a whole to the Outskirts Lab crew, down to Angelica’s puppet body and Carmen’s desecrated corpse.

“And I know pretty well that we have no right to devilishly pick apart each other’s way of art. I’m not very proud of mine, really...”

Netzach just.. gets it. I can’t remember atm, but I don’t think the other Patron Librarians really draw parallels like that. I’m seeing all the parallels now and I can’t unsee them ever. Bro.

His “art,” his way of protecting the light, is still violent. But he sees that perhaps it didn’t have to be, or rather shouldn’t be. I fucking love Netzach so much. His arc just means a lot to me personally, and I’d wager a lot of people who’ve struggled with mental illness would agree.

I’m not gonna get into Netzach’s floor realization here because this post is already long enough, but like, look at the specific flashback of Angela shown in Netzach’s story bits and contrast it to his arc of learning to want to live, and. Yeah.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, SE03, Ep1

I’m here! The final season continues from where se02 oddly left, right in the middle of a conversation! XD.

-Tohru’s crushed heart (scarf): Excellent symbolism!

Tohru, burdened with trying to lift the curse of teen & adult sohmas, is now also troubled by trying to help Arisa’s romantic life is sad for akito! Too much for compassionate selfless tohru. Unable to help, protect & erase the pain, tohru crumbles. Freezes. Her white scarf (heart) flies away, gets crushed by cars & becomes dirty. But here comes a boy ( who thinks himself a monster) picks it up, cleans & returns it back. He thinks nothing of his deed. nothing heroic abt saving a scarf, really. But do we need to be heroes to save others? kyo saves tohru by being kyo. Not the zodiac cat & not the menacing monster. Her heart is saved by him, shown much care & returned back. Mind you, the heart (scarf) is not brand new after the delima. It’s not very clean after being crushed, some marks remain, but these are marks of growth!!! you walk away after hardships carrying minor scars of victory. This scene solidify kyo’s role in tohru’s life as an equal companion. Not a heroic prince charming. It is the little things he does that shows who he is. kyo isn’t abt big soft words, he doesn't say the best things. he is a man of action. His care, love & compassion comes so very easily & naturally to him thro actions. This is what yuki meant by saying he’s jealous of kyo. Yuki over thinks his steps & doubt everything before he acts. Kyo acts spontaneously then doubts himself later. He saves the scarf (heart) then tells her directly to buy another one if she feels it’s not clean. He failed to see how this trivial action meant the world to tohru. Tohru smiles lively cuz her heart is back to her.

Why is the scarf scene so important? (aka furuba’s best usage of symbolism yet!)

It symbolizes tohru’s toxic flaw that she must overcome! It represents tohru’s tormented heart over other ppl’s pain with severe neglect to her own problems & issues. Arisa’s love life shouldn’t be tohru’s delima, nor Akito’s complex or Kureno’s or the damned curse. Tohru toxically chooses to bear other burdens’ until they crush her.

Hana can’t come to save tohru from pain each time tohru indulges in it. Tohru must realize her own flaw & grow up beyond this toxic type of kindness. Feel & help others, but don’t use them to escape your pain & don’t indulge in their own struggles & neglect yourself. There is a reason hana’s knowing of tohru’s pain is thro “magical” waves, to symbolize that this can’t become a norm, not real. You can’t depend on magic to grow. I love that!

The white scarf bearing smudges of the tires even after kyo washed it shows that kyo’s love & care can’t magically heal all tohru’s pain. It parallels kyo’s words from se01, ep,24 when he said tohru didn’t heal all his pain, but he feels better simply cuz she stayed by his side. Tohru now is feeling better cuz kyo chose was there for her. Love doesn’t magically heal you, kids! But it sure puts you on the path! Also, this once again adds more depth to the (tohru/kyo) equal give & take dynamics.

This scene deconstruct the image of Tohru represented as an angelic mother throughout 2 seasons. Instead, It paints her as a real flawed girl with much need for growth. Exactly, like how we have learned by now that kyo isn’t a horrible monster nor a prince charming saving the day, but a flawed boy with much need for growth. However, these two push each other forward in a subtle way through daily situations! Excellent writing!!

-Kureno. (aka. who tohru should never become):

The harmful kindness: Kureno is someone who hurts himself & hurt many others (akito, arisa, shigure, & consequently the rest of the zodiacs) by giving the harmful types of kindness to akito, by completely erasing his own needs, desires & living for the sake of someone who would be far better without him. Kureno is who tohru might have become if she selflessly continues fighting solely for the sohma’s sake & trying to break the curse while ignoring her own life. She’ll become as miserable as kureno & the zodiacs will become dependable on her.

The destructive pity: Kureno pities this tormented child (akito) & chooses to stay with her until her tears dry. This pity is destructive cuz it is done while he wishes to be miles away with Arisa & it encourages akito to stay as she is. Look, a child whose mom hates her deserves pity. But an adult woman needs to learn to build relationships based on mutual affection & respect. This talk of pity reminds me of kyo & kagura. Kagura pitied the cat zodiac. The relationship was doomed cuz kyo refuses pity. It doesn’t matter if her pity turned into love later. Kyo doesn’t want that from her or anyone. There is NO equality there. We know tohru came to love kyo for all the times he was there for her & all the times he pushed her to improve, to complain, to want things! she said so in se01, ep, 24. But we also know that young baby tohru pitied the cat when her mom told her the zodiacs story. what if kyo thinks tohru’s affection is pity???? that’s a big NO for him & for every person. I really want tohru to be as far from any kurno’s traits as possible!!!

-Akito, the pitiful woman:

Akito was born a girl, forced to be raised as a boy by her mother’s demands? where is the father?? she was hated by her mother. why? she also hates her mom. (hate your child & they’ll hated you). So, akito is doomed by her mom. Akito tries to prove that she’s loved by the zodiac “she specified the male zodiacs” interesting! we saw how she hates both Isuzu & kisa & doesn’t give a damn abt kagura. This woman, forced to pose as a man, actually desires to be treated as a woman. As for the other zodiacs:

No worries abt hatori leaving cuz he’s 24/7 attending to her health.

Ayame makes tea exclusively for her & hatori.

she thinks Ritsu is too timid to attempt leaving.

Hiro’s a baby, momiji is hated cuz she can’t break him.

Kyo is destined to be locked. but Why she cares abt the cat anyway?? She publicly hates him & feels disgusted by him.

She used to control yuki but can’t anymore.

she uses intimacy to bound those who “can” leave her the most: kurno! & shigure? she sleeps next to shigure in the valentine ep. hatori remarked: don’t let akito catch cold. We saw the sexually charged rage in se02, ep10. So, she isn’t faithful to kureno. They don’t have a relationship. She doesn’t even have a relationship with shigure, either. to her, sex is a tool to tie them both to her?

It is ironic that the person who said she despises woman & accuses Isuzu of seducing hatori is herself seducing others. Except, tragically, kureno isn’t with her for herself, but cuz he pities her. We saw her slapping & embracing him. Next scene; her bare shoulders & his unbuttoned shirt clearly implies they got intimate which is what akito does to feel secure in kureno not leaving her. Kureno is not even interested in her despite submitting to her advances, needs & orders. He does it out of pity. Truly the most tragic form of physical affection: sex for pity. wow... how tragically pitiful is the abusive ruler of the zodiacs who looms over them & demands respect & eternal bonds. How can she find someone who’ll love her for herself, if she doesn’t learn to show good sides of her? Yuki wasn’t loved for who he is in school, but for being the “prince”, he showed his real character & got himself true friends & soon a lover!!!  Kyo, was feared & pitied for turning into a “monster”, but once he showed his kind & harmless self, he got himself true friends & a girl who loves him for his actual personality! Who will love akito for who she is if she only shows a spoiled child, horrible family head or a pitiful woman? What does shigure love in her? he doesn’t seem to pity her nor pamper her much, does he?  perhaps we’ll know more abt the real akito later.

Side notes:

Akito’s mom reminded me of kyo’s dad. Abused children, who are hated by their parents, don’t let go of the hurt easily. they’ll always try to either get their approval, show them they were worthy of their love, or they’re NOTHING like their parents think they are. eg: Kyo’s biological father’s hate has destroyed kyo. Kyo have kazuma & tohru & he still wonder why they love him. It took kyo 17 years to actually promise to call kazuma "dad” one day in se01 finale. You need time to heal the wounds inflected by the ones who should love you the most. Being loved by others doesn’t magically heal you! You need to take few steps forward.

Isuzu is Ren’s clone! finally understanding why the severe hate from akito towards Isuzu. I’ll wait for more Ren/Akito content before analyzing their relationship.

Ren is so sexy. ngl, the scene of the zodiacs touching her belly after she just *conceived* akito is so creepy~ ew! 

Hana picked up tohru first before kyo, cuz this show isn’t exclusive for romantic love as much as it isn’t exclusive for friendship. There is balance. 

Tohru needs her own future, so does Arisa & hana! Learn to accept the limit of what you can do as a friend, tohru.. forever loving furuba for steering away from “friends stay together forever~yay” anime trope! Furuba is abt independent & individual adult life! building your own future! Epic writing!

Forever fascinated by how much the little small ordinary daily life things has really built kyo-tohru love! It feels so real & very uniquely built! Excellent writing!

Arisa is stuck with an adult man trapping himself in the most unnecessary love triangle. Kureno’s cage is self made, no curse. A very sheltered boy/man not living in the real world. Only two options for kureno if he continues this path: he’ll hurt akito, or akito will hurt him. We know the answer from the trailer, don’t we?

Arisa letting go of kuron is growth! Let go & live, girl!

There is a subtle theme of learning to let go in furuba~

Yuki is the biggest kyoru shipper!

Tohru intentionally hitting kyo with scarf’s pon-pon is my fave side of her! intentional flirting shows change from her little girl’s good girl attitude to her own type of a feisty woman! after all, she’s nearly 18!

The way the camera moved when kyo spotted the scarf was so good!

The director is obsessed with flying!! did he work on attack on titans? cuz the Ren-akito flying fight reminded me of Titan Eren strangling Titan Annie in AOT se01 finale! but chibi version! XD. I’m sorry for akito’s pain, but I was distracted by laughing! XD

look, if you plan to dramatize a situation, know your budget & your skills. Obviously, the director knew the scene is badly done, hence, the wide far away, dim lit shot to hide as much as it can. Couldn’t he do without it? let akito strangle her to the ground without flying!

oh well~these over-the-top shots are now a furuba trade mark~ just praying they stick with one weird shot per season.

[xcherry-popx]

if its not too weird to ask, could you write some posts abt rad + asd (either one or both/abt comorbidity)? cuz i wanna find more info abt them & i saw stuff saying asd/rad cmrbidity was impossible too & think i may have both. i have zero access to mental health help atm and will for a pretty long time so im just doing what i can as i wait, document my symptoms and stuff and try to cope, for now. (btw im saying this 2 clarify tht im not trying to be invasive or out of curiosty. sry its so long)

It's no problem! Honestly, I'm excited to hear about someone like me, with how uncommon it is. No need to worry about it being long, because my answer ended up long as well ^-^;;

I wrote this quicker than I expected, so please forgive any mistakes, and feel free to ask for clarification. 

I’m mostly going to use the term ‘RAD’ (reactive attachment disorder), but a lot of this information applies to DAD (disinhibited attachment disorder) as well. I was diagnosed when they were still grouped together as RAD.

If any information does not apply to both, I’ll specify the differences between them.

First off: there is no reason autism and RAD can’t be comorbid. Now, most psychologist insist that they cannot exist together, but this is outdated. Unfortunatly, because RAD is so uncommon, very little discussion occurs, and thus any progress in understanding the disorder takes a bit of time.

Fortunately, some discussion has begun. This study is one from 2017. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27895198/

As of now, it’s the only scholarly discussion, but hopefully that will change in time.

Essentially, autism is something you’re born with, while Reactive Attachment Disorder is the result of severe neglect or mistreatment.

The study found that several children diagnosed with RAD met the criteria for autism. The difference in children with autism and RAD vs children with only RAD can be distinguished by focusing on traits specific to autism.

That’s actually how I first suspected I had both: I looked through several diagnosis lists and checked whether I had symptoms exclusive to each list.

One of the current diagnostic criteria for RAD  and DAD is that the child cannot also be diagnosed with autism. This is because RAD, and later, DAD, were often used to explain ‘autistic-like behavior’ in children who either did not show signs of autism early on, or who experienced severe mistreatment.

The main reason this is outdated is because it relies on the belief that autistic individuals do not form attachments to caregivers, which many autistic people will tell you is false. That all relates back to the idea that because autistic people show affection differently, they do not feel it the way allistic people do, which is, again, false.

It’s often difficult to get an RAD diagnosis, much less one along with an autism diagnosis. However, it’s not impossible, although for me it involved two different diagnosises that my grandma and I realized made most sense together.

Under the cut, I’m going to talk more generally about RAD and DAD as well as about my experiences.

 You said you don't have much access to mental health help, but I felt I should include this next segment anyways. 

Attachment therapy, one of the most well-known treatments, is harmful. I would suggest avoiding it. It goes against attachment theory, the basis of RAD. I don’t say this to scare you, but it is coercive and has resulted in death in some cases. You can look into it yourself, but it is rather sickening for me, so please take care if you do so.

While most advice involves making sure the child has an emotionally available ‘attachment figure’, usually a caretaker, that assumes you would want someone to connect to that way.

As someone with inhibited type RAD, I always struggled when people asked if I wanted to be closer to my grandma. To me, we were like strangers, maybe coworkers. I didn't want to open up to her, and so I still don’t.

I believe that, while it’s nice to have a friendly relationship with caretakers, it’s not necessary. For me, it’s always been more important to have friends I can open up to.

Don’t feel pressured to form an emotionally intimate relationship if you don’t want to or feel ready for it. I still don’t think I’m close to my grandma, but we feel like acquaintances now, and that’s enough for me. You don’t have to force a relationship, but don’t be afraid if you want to start one.

Of course, you may have different experiences, or be in a different place with your caretakers, but since I've struggled with that aspect I wanted to talk about it.

Most treatment for RAD is under the assumption that the child is young, which I assume you are not. In general, I suggest finding people you can trust, if you don’t have them already. I don’t want to make too many assumptions here, so if you want more specific advice feel free to ask me.

While RAD is the result of mistreatment such as abuse or neglect, it’s rare even among those who have experienced such things. There’s some debate on why it occurs, and I believe many theories suggest disposition can make one susceptible? But I’m not entirely certain on that front. Also, I’d like to clarify one thing. While most criteria says the mistreatment must begun before age five, it’s not necessary. What happened to me was when I was 11, and it changed me enough that I gained a official diagnosis of RAD a few years later. What matters is how it affected you, not when it occurred.

Now, I’ve mentioned there’s a difference between RAD and DAD, but I haven’t specified what it is. I'll explain that, but to do so I need to talk about how they form.

The basis of RAD and DAD is what’s called attachment theory. This states that young children need strong bond with at least one caregiver to develop. The bonds with their caregivers dictate how their attachment style forms. However, RAD and DAD have their own types of attachment, referred to as inhibited attachment and disinhibited attachment.

They used to both be classified as RAD, separated under the categories ‘inhibited type’ and ‘disinhibited type’.

Many people with inhibited or disinhibited type will show signs of both, but can usually be classified as one or the other. I am inhibited type, but when I was younger I showed signs of disinhibited type in places such as school.

Inhibited attachment is what’s known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. It’s more common in mistreated children. This type is when a child avoids or ignores caregivers, often not showing affection unless convinced to.

Disinhibted attachment is what’s now known as Disinhibited Attachment Disorder. This is more common in children in institutions or group homes. This type shows affection to any and all adults. They are quick to trust strangers. When my grandma worked in foster care, she had some children who, after less than a day of meeting her, would cling to her leg and beg her to take them home.

In this case, inhibited types struggle to form attachments, while disinhibited types will form attachments quickly and easily, with no preference towards their caregivers.

I think that’s all for official information, so I'll talk a bit about my experiences with RAD.

Honestly, it’s isolating. It’s often seen as something that happens to children, and no one talked about adults with it. There’s numerous psychologists who’ll misdiagnose it in foster teens for not showing affection to adoptive parents ‘the way theyʻre supposed to’. Many people treat people with RAD or DAD as ‘psychopaths’, and there’s numerous times I’ve seen it listed as ‘terrifying’, even among the social workers that meet kids with it.

It's discouraging. But I want to tell you that you aren’t alone. I’d be happy to talk to you about your experiences, and share my own. I have hope that people will begin to recognize this disorder despite how uncommon it is, and see it for what it is.

In any case, I hope you are able to find the diagnosis you need, even if it doesn’t turn out to be this one. I wish you the best of luck!

[defiantsuggestions]

ok ok ok so. i'm in a very complicated situation rn. i'm not sure if you can help me on this or not but it's worth a shot? lemme start from the beginning: -so i'm best friends with this girl for years -our friend group talks abt sexualities, me + other girl come to conclusion that we're bisexual, the best friend thinks she *might* be too -realize i'm in love with her -confess to her later -she doesn't like me that way

-i don't think she's straight????? -time passes -we're both in a religion btw -she asks me one day abt our religion's views on homosexuality -i tell her one of the views, that it's alright -she says ok -she's still questioning btw -i think she might be bi/pan leaning towards guys

-i move to a different country -i leave the religion, not out yet to anyone tho -but we still text -she sends me a post one day abt homosexuality -it's that other view, that homosexuality is wrong -she believes in that view and is trying to persuade me to undo my bisexuality in some way or ignore it -getting strong indoctrination and internalized homophobia vibes here -she thinks i'm still in the religion and is trying to convince me on her views on homosexuality -i try to argue back carefully since i can't let her know i've left -anyway we fight -and apologize a few days later -and she suggests we don't talk abt religious stuff because we always fight abt it

-i say ok -i do flood my insta story (that she sees) with lgbt posts out of passive aggressiveness -i know i know, but i couldnt help it because i have very liberal views and i feel very strongly abt religious homophobia and sexuality -i sort of wanted to punish and test her -'this is me, this sexuality is a part of me, not a test by god, and i'm gonna show it and make it obvious, and you have to choose between remaining with me despite it or not.'

-we don't speak for three months.

-our only interaction is viewing each others' stories -she texts me with something random a few days later -we're talking again -i've forgiven her at this point -after all, before i left, i was just like her, i believed the same things she did -i want to believe that just like me, she'll come around and see things for what they truly are. -idk what to do till then

-i'm still in love with her -i still feel elated whenever she texts -i still feel that spark when i hear her name

-i want to get over her, over it -but still remain her best friend -it's hard because a huge part of getting over someone is to cut them off completely -and for those three months i did not think of her, so it worked a little -but when she texted it all came flooding back.

-i'm so, so, so fucked. what do i do?

That's a very difficult situation. You have my sympathy, it can't be easy to deal with and I'm sorry you're in this position.

This isn't going to be easy to hear, but in my opinion, I think holding out for her to change might be harmful to you in the long run. At this point in time, she is homophobic and is actively against your bisexuality. It's nice to believe she'll come to the same revelations you have, but you also need to keep in mind that you need to take care of yourself and your mental health first.

It's also important to keep in mind that you're out of that religion, but she's still there, and she's likely being fed homophobic beliefs by the people around her more often than the two of you talk.

I'm not trying to tell you one way or the other what to do; ultimately it is your choice whether you talk to her or not. This isn't a decision I'm qualified to make.

But this doesn't sound healthy. Yeah, maybe she'll come around, there is always room for improvement and maybe she'll learn better, but that's up to her. The fact that she fought you on it and then didn't talk to you for three months afterward tells me that she isn't in a place where she's open to learning right now, and it isn't your job to convince her otherwise.

If it were me, I would not keep a friend who would try to convert me out of my sexuality. I wouldn't be able to trust them after that. Like you said, your sexuality is a part of you, it's a part of who you are, and I personally would not want to be friends with someone who would tell me that this part of me was wrong.

I do understand that the prospect hurts. It's not easy. It's always, always painful to deal with finding out someone who you think of as a friend stands by something harmful, especially when you've been friends for a long time.

As for being in love with her, I am not the best person to talk to about romantic feelings. If cutting off contact with her is the only way for you to get over your feelings of being in love, and you want to get over those feelings, then I don't know what else to tell you but maybe you should consider cutting contact.

Otherwise, you have to decide if you want to deal with ignoring those feelings while talking to her.

Nothing romantic is going to come from this situation. It sounds like you already know that, but it bears saying anyway. You don't know her sexuality for sure, but even if she is bi/pan/ect., she's too far in the closet and too wrapped up in homophobia, she's already said she doesn't like you like that, and even if something did manage to come of this it wouldn't be healthy for either of you.

Ultimately, I think you should consider your mental health primarily when making your choice. Personally I would cut her off and find new friends. I deserve better than to have someone in my circle who thinks my sexuality is a sin. I think you deserve better, too.

Either way, I wish you luck, and hope things work out for you.

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hi Colour! This is going to be a long one, so buckle up!

Oh wow, that's so precious! You've definitely earned the "real life Dani" nickname haha I wish I could find something meaningful like that to do with my life. I'm actually autistic and have ADHD so hearing you do this kind of work makes me really happy! Keep up the good work Ms. Clayton! 😁 Haha

You sound like a lot of fun to hang out with at pubs! Haha I'm glad you identify with that bit of info on your star placements. I had a lot of fun doing it too!

The thing about Hozier is that some of his lyrics are incredibly sapphic to me for some reason, I'm still trying to figure it out. NFWMB is one of the songs that feels like that to me. Don't know if you've heard it before but give it a try if you haven't. If you close your eyes it sounds like you're in an epic romantic story and there are swords, pretty gowns, and rooms lit by torches. Haha

The beginning of this song was inspired by a poem written by W.B Yeats called "The Second Coming" in 1920, and it talks about an apocalypse of sorts, alluding to all of the horrors men inflicted upon the world which ends up awakening this beast that goes to Jesus's place of birth in the Bible (Bethlehem) to be born. The last lines being:

"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"

So the song starts with:

"When I first saw you

The end was soon

To Bethlehem it slouched

And then, it must've caught a good look at you"

And oh boy do I think of Dani when I hear that. Especially bc of that scene where Viola accepts Dani's invitation to live inside her. And nobody knows why she accepts it (but I do!).

And yeah at first glance you might not think much of Dani. in the beginning she's just a tiny frail small-town girl with a lot of anxiety, running away from her past traumas. But she proves us wrong again and again and again. She moves to a country she's never been before entirely by herself, sees an opportunity, and doesn't let go of it even when it looks like it went wrong. Then is very loving and tender with these children who have gone through so much and are still going through so much. Tries to fight (with a fire poker!!) the threatening man that keeps harassing her, the children, and her friends. THEN manages to soften the angry, grumpy lesbian who's given up on people after A LOT of trauma (too much in my opinion) and doesn't give up on her when she rejects her either. Freaking exorcises her ex and makes him stop haunting her so she can be with the love of her life. And then finally as if all of that didn't make her the bravest hero in this story, she literally stops an apocalypse from happening and saves everyone from this beast by sacrificing herself without even thinking twice. Saves everyone that came before her and then the ones who'll come after for the rest of eternity. I mean the P-O-W-E-R this girl has. 💪 so hell yeah the lady in the lake wanted to take her.

When Hozier says:

"Ain't it a gentle sound, the rollin' in the graves?

Ain't it like thunder under earth, the sound it makes?

Ain't it exciting you, the rumble where you lay?

Ain't you my baby? ain't you my baby?"

I can only think of Dani at the bottom of the lake laying on top of all the bones of the people Viola killed and how she's at peace living forever in a dark place like that. That's kinda hardcore y'know?

After the first verses, Hozier goes on to talk abt his lover, someone so utterly terrifying even the beast of the end of the world can't stand to look at them. But this song is also about being proud to be this person's lover bc nothing can fuck with them, not bc you are there to protect them and wouldn't let anyone harm them, but bc they're more than capable of protecting themselves and you too. So in my head, this song is Jamie's declaration of love to Dani.

And then I think of Jamie's devotion to Dani when she said "If you can't feel anything, then I'll feel everything for the both of us." shown in this verse:

"If I was born as a blackthorn tree

I'd wanna be felled by you

Held by you

Fuel the pyre of your enemies"

And the fact that she took what she could get just to be with Dani. She knew she'd have to suffer for/bc of her at some point, but chose to be with her anyway. I have no doubts in my mind she'd want to be anything for her as long as they could be together in any way, shape, or form. In all the lives they happened to meet one another too.

Wouldn't it be cool to see them in an AU where Dani is like a medieval princess who's supposed to marry Edmund to form an alliance between kingdoms or something and Jamie is an assassin who is hired to kill the princess so she has to pretend to be Dani's personal guard or wtever but they fall in love and run away together and Jamie teaches her how to fight so Dani becomes this warrior but turns out Dani is naturally good at it and then she becomes a legend? Hahaha I can see her riding a horse in the winter with paint on her face and her blonde hair falling over this fur-lined cloak, fierce look on her face, and Jamie riding next to her (always). Then they come across Viola who's a witch and puts a curse on Dani and then Dani and Jamie have to travel to all sorts of places and fight all sorts of people and go on this whole adventure to rid Dani of this curse. Maybe Dani has to go back to her kingdom bc her father dies and there are other people trying to take her kingdom so there's a lot of angst and suffering but then they win at the end after a lot of sweat and tears and they live happily ever after! 😎Hahaha

Anyway, I hope you're having a great week so far and hope you had fun with your niece today! (I know if I was her and you had us make fudge and paint I'd worship you haha) I'm sorry for the very (very) long ask, but I've been obsessing over this idea for months and I just had to share it with someone! ✌️✨

(And you can call me Libby or wtever since I'm not anon anymore 🤗)

Awwh thank you so much for saying I have earned my 'real life Dani' title is means a lot to me that you guys see that in me!! I am sure you do so many meaningful things in life without even realising it!! I honestly just want to make a difference and I love helping people so going into a career like this just seemed so natural to me and I really do love what I do!! Thank you so much I really hope I can keep up the good work!! I hope I'm a lot of fun- I know I have helped win a few pub quizzes and there's been a few times I've won games of trivial pursuit as well so that really did make so much sense to me and learning about all the placements of my chart was so much fun and was so interesting so thank you very much!! I have heard some of Hozier's lyrics are quite sapphic and I always mean to look into more of his songs and then just never do but I will definitely look in to NFWMB because the lyrics you have sent me here are incredible and definitely give of Dani x Jamie vibes I definitely agree with you in everything you have said about why Viola accepted Dani's invitation- Dani and Viola are similar in some ways and this was something I was explaining to my niece when she watched it with me. I explained to her that both Viola and Dani are strong willed, and stubborn, and would do anything to fiercely protect the people they care about. We saw that time and time again with Dani, how within days of knowing Miles and Flora she was out with a fire poker trying to protect them from a strange man that she kept seeing around the manor. And how Viola would've done anything to protect her daughter. One major difference between them though is that Viola seemed to have a slight selfish streak where as Dani is entirely selfless, she was selfless for the longest time in even agreeing to marry Eddie so she wouldn't hurt him, she was selfless in protecting Miles and Flora, and even more selfless in saving Flora's life and freeing all the trapped spirits of Bly Manor and then she is selfless in the fact that she won't drag anyone down and won't hurt anyone else at Bly ever again. The one thing she did for herself was being with Jamie- and she was able to make Jamie open up and trust people in way she probably hadn't for the longest time. Dani is a truly strong person as was Viola and I can see why she would accept Dani's invitation. I will have to listen to this song to see it from a Jamie perspective which I will definitely do tomorrow but from the lyrics you have sent me I can definitely see it being a love declaration to Dani from Jamie. Jamie knew in the end she would suffer because she knew she wouldn't be able to keep Dani forever, and knew that one day she would have to leave her- but she knew loving Dani for as long as she was allowed to would be worth that pain in the end and Jamie is a truly strong person as well for knowing this and staying by Dani's side anyway when that must have been such a hard thing for Jamie to ever have to accept. Jamie would've been anything for Dani and would've one anything for her as Dani would've for Jamie and that's why I love them so much. They loved each other so purely and without conditions and so wholeheartedly and it really was such a lovely thing to watch play out in front of us (even if it did hurt us all at the end). I think it would be so cool to see an AU like that I think medieval stuff is always so fun and so interesting and a good enemies to lovers start never fails either because there's so much tension there between them. And Jamie being undercover as someone to get close to Dani and them slowly falling in love with each other would just be a great thing to see!! And I am all for warrior Dani and Jamie (women with weapons is a little bit of a weakness of mine)!! This whole AU just sounds incredible I love a good curse in fantasy stories and the curse slowly taking over and you thinking they're going to run out of time but everything works out in the end!! Dani going back to her kingdom because of her sick Dad dying would be great for angst because it would look

like she would have to marry someone to create an alliance and that she would have to take over a kingdom (perhaps something she never wanted to do in the first place)!! I think this could be a very angsty one shot and could be so interesting and fun and the happy ending would definitely make all the angst worth it in the end!! I am having a good week so far thank you and I had so much fun with my niece today, making fudge went great and she was happy that I was able to show her how to do it because she'd never made it before so now that's something she knows how to do (I think she thinks I'm way cooler than I actually am haha thank you for saying you'd worship me though if you were my niece haha 😂) but tomorrow she is teaching me how to do something because I taught her how to make fudge today... she's gonna teach me how to draw in an anime style- which is something she is really into and even though I'm not she loves drawing so I've asked if she can teach me since I taught her something today!! There's no need to apologise I loved this long angst and I loved this idea I think it's really great and interesting and that song just seems amazing and I am definitely gonna listen to it tomorrow when I get chance!! Thank you for sharing this idea with me I loved it!! ☺️ Haha oki doki then as long as that's alright with you Libby is what I'll call you!! Like I said you can seriously call me anything!! ☺️

[aspoonofsugar]

What do you think about Camilla and her guards’ nen? Do you think any of her guards will actually be able to kill/harm the other princes with their “curses”? I thought it was kind of weird that Camilla is one of the princes most adamant about winning/killing other princes yet has nen that only works if she dies, but maybe she’s just smarter than she looks and planned ahead? Idk I think abt her a lot but I haven’t come up w any answers

Hello anon!

I have talked about Camilla here.

Many of the thoughts in the meta I linked are still relevant, but by that point we did not know that Camilla’s guards are Have-Nots. To discover about them made her whole character more interesting to me.

As far as your questions are concerned, I actually think Camilla’s ability fits her ego-centric attitude. From the meta linked above:

Benjamin takes the powers of his dead soldiers to become stronger, whereas Camilla takes the lives of the ones who hurt her in order to come back to life. So, for Benjamin it is about honouring one’s comrades, while for Camilla it is about punishing her enemies.

I have mentioned in the Benjamin’s meta that it might be possible that this arc will deal with grieving and the acceptance of death. When it comes to this, Camilla’s ability may represent a total refusal of death since her nen power is literally resurrection.

It is interesting to underline how such a strong inability to accept death can be symptomatic of a childish vision of the world like the one Camilla displays multiple times. After all growing up means also to accept death as a part of life.

In short, Camilla, despite being older than the majority of her siblings is depicted as childish and her nen ability which negates death might be just another hint at this trait of her personality.

Camilla’s ability is a selfish-one because it takes others’ lives and makes them hers. At the same time, it is also linked to a primary concern, which is survival, and, in the end, it is nothing more than a very powerful and extreme defense-mechanism. After all, the whole point of counteractive nen abilities is to take damage and to give it back to the attackers. In other words, they are reactive abilities, which are useful only if an external attack happens. What makes Camilla’s power different from other counteractive ones (like Feitan’s) is that Camilla’s ability is extreme. It is extreme in the damage she is ready to take to activate her power (she is ready to die) and it is extreme in the damage it gives others (she kills them). All in all, the fact that Camilla came up with such an ability shows how the environment around her made her feel threatened to the point that her power is one which deals directly with death. It would have been a useless ability for a person living in a peaceful context.

At the same time, Camilla’s ability is also one which does not care about others’ lives and makes use of them. This fits with Camilla’s idea that everything revolves around her. This is another trait of her personality which is childish:

That said, Camilla’s childishness is noticeable mostly because of how ego-centric she is:

Camilla’s feelings are reflected in her nen beast:

A coercitive type ability means that the manipulator controls both the mind and the body of the target and this mirrors Camilla’s desire of control towards others:

Here, Camilla tries to control even her own mother and orders her around. However, I think Camilla’s interactions with Duazul might hint at something deeper than a capricious woman who wants everyone under her thumb.

As a matter of fact Duazul seems to me as the kind of mother who would let Camilla do whatever she likes:

This would explain why Camilla is how she is since she is basically a caricature of a spoiled brat. At the same time, though, I think Duazul’s behaviour is odd.

At the end of the day, in the two scenes above we have a daughter asking her mother for help and her mother negating it and a mother letting her child march towards danger without doing anything. Especially when it comes to this second case, we should consider that everybody could see that what Camilla was doing was crazy, but Duazul let her go and even stopped others from trying to reprehend Camilla.

In short, Duazul strikes me as a distant mother to Camilla, the kind of mother who would give her child whatever they want, but who doesn’t ultimately care that much or who wouldn’t show it particularly at least. I wouldn’t be surprised if Camilla’s odd behaviour turned out to be nothing more than a way to ask for support and for attention, not by the world as she says, but by her parents.

In short, Camilla is very childish and her ability reflects it to an extent. It is an ability linked to a primary wish of survival and to the refusal of death. What is more, it is a power which puts Camilla on top of others. Finally, it makes Camilla feel invincible, even if this is false. As a matter of fact Camilla’s power is strong, but not perfect. For example, a manipulation technique would be efficient against her. Who cares if she is alive if she is reduced to a zombie without a will of her own? And what would happen if she is forced to kill herself while she is manipulated? Will her ability still work against the person who manipulated her or it won’t? And what if the person who kills her dies the moment he kills her? Moreover there is also the possibility that her ability is stolen by someone. What would happen then? Finally, Camilla using zetsu to increase her chances to die makes so that he guardian beast can’t really show its powers nor protect her. As you can see, there are different ways to handle Camilla and her failed attempt to kill Benjamin proves it. All Benjamin had to do to make Camilla harmless was to avoid killing her and to restrain her.

All these considerations are about Camilla herself, but let’s know address her private guards aka the Have-Nots. Them being Camilla’s soldiers is a very interesting detail for multiple reasons. First of all it is surprising that a person so self-centred like Camilla would give the poorest people in society a chance to shine. Why did she do so? Was it just for utilitaristic reasons or there is more to Camilla than what meets the eye? Was it a reaction to Benjamin being the leader fo the military? Since Camilla could not count on regular soldiers did she look where nobody else would have? All in all, I hope Camilla’s reasoning will be explored more.

At the same time, the Have-Nots can be read as foils of Camilla herself. As a matter of fact both the prince and her guards use post-mortem nen, but their approaches to it are basically opposite.

On one hand Camilla gives her life so much importance that she has used her nen to make herself immortal. She gives her life to kill others and to be given her life back to her.

On the other hand the Have-Nots give their lives so little importance that they are ready to live and to die with the sole purpose of killing another person. Consider that in order for the Have-Nots’ curse to work they must spend months or even years thinking about their target and must keep an object linked to them. In other words, they must really live in function of their death and their death will only accomplish the death of another person. Nothing more and nothing less.

What is more, it is interesting that the Have-Nots have decided to bring back a use, which was considered outdated even by the strongly classist society of Kakin. The practice of the after-life companions forced members of the Have-Nots to be buried together with a prince, so that they could keep the prince company in the afterlife. Now, I think there are two possible ways to read Camilla’s guards’ nen ability.

On one hand Camilla’s guards have taken an old practice and have twisted its meaning. As a matter of fact, in the past, the Have-Nots had to die for the dead prince’s sake, while right now they die to kill a prince. One could see this twisting as a way to refuse their previous social-standing and a way to reclaim their personhood.

On the other hand the Have-Nots choosing to base their nen ability on an outdated practice which dehumanizes them shows how frail their sense of self still is, despite Camilla supposedly granting them privileges. In the end, the Have-Nots think so little of themselves that they can only feel they can kill a prince if they die as a consequence of it. There is also the fact that, as far as we know, they all (with some exceptions) share the same nen ability. All in all, nen is a practice which lets people express their individuality, but here we have a group of people who all share the same ability. Morevoer this ability is one which demands their death to work.

In short, Camilla and the Have-Nots are opposites. Camilla is too self-centered and too self-important, while the Have-Nots are too self-hating. This might also be why they work well together. As a matter of fact Camilla wants to be put at the centre of the world and this is what the Have-Nots do. This makes so that, at first glance, they complement each other pretty well.

Finally, will the Have-Nots succeed in killing someone? I think their nen-ability is real, so it should work. That said, if they manage to kill someone, it will most likely be an unimportant prince and certainly not Wobble. Who knows? Maybe their failure to kill Wobble will make their ability known and it will make acting more difficult for them.

Thank you for the ask!

[panvani]

I would love some Leo thoughts, if you dont mind! <3

How I feel about this character

REALLY FUCKING FUNNY. MY SIXTEEN YEAR OLD DOOMER OTAKU PROPHET MASTER WHO TAKES PLEASURE IN WATCHING ME GAMBLE MY LIFE’S SAVINGS FOR A GACHA JPG

Ultimately I have less to say abt most of the child characters in PH but there’s a lot to say abt how Leo relates to Glen as an entity... the thing is Lacie Knew that in order for society to be restructured to no longer isolate Abyss/to end the oppression of the Children of Ill Omen Glen would need to incarnate without being directly cursed by Jury... meaning that she knew her brother would need to be killed/the Baskervilles destroyed..................... but that’s about Lacie

Mostly he was a traumatized child who was WAY in over his head and like Vincent unreasonably believed that it would be better for his loved ones to have never met him at all than to suffer his existence. Which is why their relationship is so important lol (and why I’m honestly more invested in Vincent and Leo’s relationship than Leo and Elliot’s... we love it when characters are foils)

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Elliot tho I’m not really an ElliLeo person I think ultimately the point w their relationship was that Leo’s complete inability to function without Elliot around was... a problem. And actually this is something I can talk about in my controversial opinions section

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I used to not care about Vincent and Leo’s relationship much but now I think about it a lot it’s so so so good that they’re friends who love each other very much it is literally the funniest shit ever

Their relationship reminds me of Oz and Echo’s in a lot of ways in that they both felt as though they were in the same boat except in this case the two of them made an agreement to actively hack at the base of the ship while it was in the open ocean. Their relationship is Leo going hey wait if we keep doing this Vincent is going to die and I kind of love him actually and this would suck

It’s actually ultimately all words to VINCENT that gets through to Leo, ironically, because he understands Vincent as someone very similar to himself. And while none of these things really got through to Vincent because he finds himself to be fundamentally unworthy of existence it got through to Leo because it allowed him to recontextualize his feelings to be about someone else who he genuinely cared about. It’s good I’ve been thinking abt them a lot recently

My unpopular opinion about this character

ElliLeo is not a bad ship if you ship it that is fine I think it was the least evil outcome for being by far the most popular PH ship. However a LOT of ElliLeo stuff romanticizes Leo’s obsession and emotional dependency on Elliot despite Leo’s arc being about learning to actually see value in his own life outside of his worth to others.

That also comes back to the Glen thing (you see it most strongly in Gil) because the whole process is to convince the person in question they shouldn’t be allowed agency or allowed to want things for themselves. They’re all very deliberately taught that they have no worth outside of their “Master” (when first taught this it’s Glen [as the mouthpiece of the Jury] but the clear implication is that it eventually switches to the Jury itself) because it’s easy to continue the self destructive, oppressive structures Glen is made to enforce if Glen feels he has no power to end them. This feeling still exists without the Jury’s direct intervention, though, because of how being Glen also attracts misfortune to one’s person. Leo sooner convinced himself he was insane than start meaningful conflict with Elliot because he felt he had no place as an active participant in his reality.

And then there’s the whole matter of Leo’s feelings for Elliot being compared to Vincent’s feelings for Gil ad NO. LEO’S FEELINGS FOR ELLIOT WERE NOT UNHEALTHY ON THE LEVEL THAT VINCENT’S FEELINGS FOR GIL WERE, but the point being made on the whole is that obsession with another person without any sort of self worth is analogous to suicide. Ultimately, Leo’s love for Elliot came from a genuine respect and admiration for him as a person, and I don’t want to imply that it’s on the level of Vincent’s feelings for Gil, which are themselves an act of self harm. It’s just... the very obvious conclusion trying to be communicated is that Leo’s obsession with Elliot after his death was unhealthy and self destructive.

Elliot and Leo’s relationship definitely wasn’t inherently unhealthy. It was built on mutual respect and admiration and a desire to see the other and be treated as an equal. I just really hate the way the fandom romanticizes Leo’s dependence on Elliot when it’s something the narrative very deliberately condemns.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Wish Leo and Vincent had been shown to actually interact a few more times than they were because their relationship is incredibly important to the both of them but they get like 3 really really intense conversations and nothing else

[dovewingz]

oo okay! what're your headcanons on Firestar n Brambleberry??? they're my babies :")

i love ‘em too !!!! <3 

firestar

1. he still got nightmares about tigerstar for a long time after he was defeated. on most nights, sandstorm or graystripe (or both) would sleep in his nest or at least in the same den as him. on a similar note, fire missed sleeping in the warriors den bc the leaders den was so empty and quiet, so having another cat with him was rlly comforting.

2. shows affection through touch over anything else. loves hugs, love cuddles, loves a reassuring Pat on the shoulder. it seems to run in the family, bc cloudtail and dovewing are both very similar in that sense.

3. his natural instinct for a lot of things is to blame himself, especially with stuff where he feels like he could’ve at least indirectly helped. like with tawnypaw, he wishes he had done something more to support her so she’d feel safe in thunderclan. upon hearing this later in life, tawny reached out to him and reassured him that he wasn’t his fault. his one voice wouldn’t have changed her decision all that much, it was the clan as a whole.

4. firestar trusted brambleclaw in full around the time squirrel and leaf were born. he wishes he had properly told bramble that, bc fire could tell it was something that burdened him for a long long time. he always knew that bramble would be a good father and def saw him as family !

5. he made an effort to keep up with the elders like longtail and mousefur... and bc the elders were aware of so much drama, fire was also aware of a lot of the drama... he just didn’t say anything :)

brambleberry

1. always saw crookedstar as a son and treated him as such, even before crooked properly saw her as a mother. that Family Feeling became mutual while crooked was in the med den, a bit before he became an apprentice. even as he got older, she made sure she was up to date with All his drama !!! she’d tease him relentlessly abt willowpaw....

2. really solid relationship with both shellheart and echomist. idk how to expand on it more but they all rlly care about crookedstar and all support each other as well !!! just a wholesome friendship basically.

3. difficult relationship with hailstar. they obviously had to communicate like a med cat and leader do & bramble never did anything to harm the clan, but she resented hail for renaming crookedkit even when he could’ve refused. she was never one to keep grudges, but she also hated rainflower and thought she should’ve been punished.

4. thinks the “medicine cats can’t have kits rule” is dumb and tried to get it changed once. she was shut down of course but that never stopped her from complaining.

5. generally bramble just thinks a lot of clan traditions/methods are not great? it was smth she thought from a young age, but it rlly affected her later in life. her mentor milkfur was half non-riverclan (that one is a headcanon, idk its rogue or another clan yet) and her apprentice mudfur initially started out as a warrior. alongside that, there’s also how the clan overall treated crookedstar. she always believed there were better ways that the clans never quite reached...

i also hc her as a lesbian !