#maybe I'll finally finish this thing
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I'm working on the degradation writeup and....uh.
This is normal, right. This is is a normal thing that normal people do when discussing fictional media. Surely. Surely this is normal.
Jiminy Fucking Christmas no wonder I imprinted on Genesis so hard when he treats Loveless the same way I treat FF7.
#fandom ramble#wip wip wip#nashi writes#I guess#meta analysis#maybe I'll finally finish this thing#maybe#crisis core#crisis core reunion#CCFF7R#genesis rhapsodos#the full title btw#is 'Characterizing Degradation: Transmissible Hyperactive Apoptosis via Hostile Mitochondrial Diffusion'#the degradation paper
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part 1 of a little comic / art sequence that i've been working on! :D it's part tribute, part experimenting with brushes n colors and trying new thingz :]
| 1 | 2 | ... |
and thus continues my endless quest of spreading the carrot fics like a plague! if you've seen my art floating around you probs already figured that this au holds a very special place in my heart, forever and always!!
if you haven't heard of it, it's a fic series by @crowned-ladybug called carrot soup!! it made me wish i could speak colors and i need more people to share my struggle xd
go check it out if you're into sweet voice lore and qpr level gayness and just wanna feel warm and soft and warm (hurt/comfort my beloved) <333 there are some heavier themes cos everyone's traumatized but they're working through it! be sure to check the tags and stay safe! <3
#hlvrai#half life vr but the ai is self aware#frenrey#carrots au#<- gotta remember to tag the other ones as well#yippie im so excited to finally start sharing these with people!!!#there will be at least 5 parts in total maybe more idk#i just wanted to illustrate this little snippet of the first fic#maybe i'll draw more of these if i get another vision#i am still trying to work on the animatic so that would probs include most of my visions anyway#i think im gonna post a wip sometime soon just in case i lose interest#also i crave validation and reading people's tags and comments makes me so so so happy!!!><#btw it kinda feels nice posting something like. after a while#cos it's been quite a bit since i finished this first.. part? page? thingy#and it's nice to finally stay out of the whole instant gratification thing#please do still go crazy in the tags tho? if u want?#mkay enough rambling for today i've got things to do#like be cozy n read fanfics n drink water n stuff yk?#all the important thingz#and who knows maybe i'll even make some progress on.. whatever it is that piques my interest today#bye for now!!! take care and have a very orange day <3#art tag or whatever
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oc time again! + her town & culture (heavily inspired by pre-roman italic populations)
she is suri sauthon (she/her). her story is linked to my swtor imperial agent, tar'x, but most of her life except for the one year away where she meets him, is spent in a town in the mountains of mirial.
despite mirial being cold and desert, and many cities developing underground, her town flourishes thanks to a force nexus, venerated in the form of an ancient, sacred, alive crystal. the ecosystem of that mountain depended on what "the horned crystal" was capable of giving them, but mirialans couldn't live off of that alone, so they developed trade and some rudimental technology, even if oftentimes it was bought thanks to the highly profitable trade of a plant used to make medicines that slowed down aging and had overall healing properties.
note: everything that's generated by this nexus has these healing properties BUT they have to be processed, except for those who bathed in the waters of the cavity under the crystal - the "real" nexus, but not the worshipped one. the waters were sacred but they were not thought to be miraculous, unlike the crystal, who instead was thought of as the keystone of the ecosystem: without it, everything would fall apart (and that is partially true: the cavity was the "real" nexus but thanks to the crystal, also strong in the force, the properties were spread all over the mountains). those who bathed in the cavity's waters - so, all of the town, who had a sort of baptism there - could eat the plant, make whatever food with it, and not only that plant, but everything generated by the nexus, that, again, had similar properties. this allowed people to live up to normal life-spans without advanced medicines or, much, really. to those who didn't live there, though, after the processing, had incredible effects, slowing down aging - for those who took it regularly - and making people able to live up to half a century more than the average]
originally, there were four tribes of nomads that lived thanks to horned farm animals that decided to settle down into one bigger town and other smaller settlements, to live off of transhumance. this division of the tribes stayed into the political and social organization: every person belonged to one tribe specifically, and had slightly different rituals and culture. for examples, each tribe had their own priests and healers, with different techniques and traditions. the town, tho, was guided by a group of people in the high priesthood, a position you could reach only by having earned the trust of all tribes. those high priests had many roles: they guided the people into sacred processions common to all the tribes, they managed the trading with outsiders, they did the maintenance of the temple of the summit (the one that functioned as casket to the crystal) and created a special liquid to offer the crystal that helps it grow.
this particular temple was important because 1. it was very visible, from every angle of the town, and it became an important identity symbol; 2. it stored the venerated horned crystal; 3. it had the altar where sacrifices were made for the crystals. that altar had a hole connected to the cavity, that allowed the liquids to reach the underground; 4. it had various symbols: statues representing each tribe + the high priesthood, and typical mirialan tattoos carved into the wood of the trees that served as columns for the temple, symbolizing 8 values that who dared to enter HAD to have; 5. it was on the way to an important lake (called "mother lake" because the lake the town was built around to depended on the waters of that other lake) where they traveled to in important processions; 6. it was said that a the wizard who unified the tribes made it with its magic, making the plant grow to hold the temple's roof. this wizard was, actually, a force user, obv.
BACK TO HER THOUGH: she's daughter of one of the high priests, who was in charge of managing the trades with outsiders, and lives in a house on the mountains with her mother and him. her parents are from different tribes (that's one of the things that earned him trust from the 4 tribes): when a child is born from two different tribes, they don't pick one to allign to, but they're usually linked automatically to the one with more relatives in it (in her case, the father's tribe: she had many uncles and aunts on his side while her mom only had one sister).
later, though, she got quite tied to her mother's tribe due to a mysterious illness that only her mother's tribe healer was able to cure. she spent 4 years (from 10 to 14 years old) living with the healer and learned her secrets. to better study, she wrote them down. when she returned home, she studied to become a priestess with her father. at 22 (the average age: you can't become priest before your 20s), she was supposed to take a test and become a priestess, but the healer of her mother's tribe died and the tribe asked her to take her place. she couldn't technically do that, but both tribes estimated both her and her parents and she was allowed to become both. she then decided to try to become a high priestess, and became one at 25 (a quite young age). being part of the council, she tried to convince the various tribe healers to unite their knowledges and write them down, and eventually made it. healers still remained tribe based but they now had an "upper, inter-tribe level" similar to high priesthood.
years later, the sacred horned crystal is stolen from the temple by some Hutt mercenaries looking for a profit. given the trust she has earned from all the tribes and the fact that her father is the high priest that deals with outsiders (and she's been hearing stories and advice about it since she was little), she is the one tasked with getting it back. without the growing crystal, the keystone to their ecosystem, the village would have lasted only a few years. in hrr quest, she meets imperial intelligence agent tar'x laran and, as they "solve the mystery" and fight to have it back, they get closer. they'll get married and have a daughter, Vegoia (who's the only one who actually will get to the plot of my story. this was all background)
#i overdeveloped this part of the background. IT'S QUITE LITERALLY USELESS. like. Vegoia will have so few memories of it (she'll become jedi)#i will make a post about her too when I'll finish designing her and outlining her story BUT that may be difficult cuz the frame for the mai#story is quite difficult to match with how developed the other stories are getting and i have to figure it Much Stuff yet#so I'm using these post to like. fix a certain part lf the lore because even my own notes are getting older and messy. better to start over#ANYWAY for those curious & who are still reading (if u exist. WTF THANK U!!); my main story is actually a research file in the jedi archive#BASICALLY i was trying to write my own story for years but then i watched a video (tcw doesn't hold up by sheev talks i think) and i finall#understood how to frame all of these stories together in a way that i feel can add to the star wars lore (because. the others were just#like. okay but who cares unless me? and i did want to have a cool frame that maybe some nerd would be interested in looking into)#so: when ahsoka anakin and obi return from mortis; they tell the council about it (yoda knows about it in s6). sheev talks complained that#it was incredibly full of stuff that was done so poorly it could ruin a big part of the original sw story itself and it was never brought u#again. and honestly i agree. SO my story is about a jedi that is tasked with research on the celestials & by having him figure out stuff i#can minimize/limit/reframe some of the controversial things in there (i love mortis arc so bad but i also agree with his critic. I'll Fix™)#so. many stories will be about people who have previously seen the celestials or have been to mortis one way or another (pre-tcw obv) & hav#had experience & knowledge that the researcher is looking for. so i get to have an anthology with many stories#and have a cool frame I'm intrested in developing + i can experiment with different storytelling styles depending on how he finds out stuff#+ there was another sw story with a similar frame i think? so if i decide to write the story as if it was the file itself and not the searc#i can have even a REFERENCE of what a file like that is supposed to be. LIKE. IT ALL FITS!!!#sw#star wars#swtor#the old republic#star wars oc#imperial agent#star wars fanart#mirialan oc#mirialan#star wars story#star wars the old republic#oc: suri sauthon
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Loooong time no post. Drew this way back I January but never posted it.
Since I didn't finish the Artober at all, I've been thinking about posting some drawings of Scarlet/Violet, as I've been playing those in the last months a lot. Maybe slowly warm up again to the "arctober" drawings at some point...
Won't promise anything though, animating in-betweens is currently destroying my sanity and time
#pkmn#pkmn fanart#pokemon#pokemon fanart#pkmn legends arceus#pkmn sv#pkmn scarvio#pkmn spoilers#pokemon sv#pokemon scarlet and violet#pokemon scarvi#miraidon#koraidon#origin dialga#origin palkia#pkmn la spoilers#legends arceus spoilers#legends arceus oc#pkmn sv oc#inbetweeners of the world you have my admiration and respect#also everyone else in the animation process#look I do drafts and storyboards this is DESTROYING me#maybe I'll draw more things when I manage to finish this awfully long scene of about 10 seconds long#at least I finally got my revenge against Probopass in a Tera Raid in scarlet#rambling in the tags#as usual
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(throws this meme at you and scurries away)
#i would love to doodle more shenanigans for yall#or at least maybe fix up some old stuff?#would yall want crusty sketches???#mainly i want to get back into the swing of things with fnaf and my fics. im so swamped with school but i still wanna#maybe i'll draw stuff for my finished fics while i work on the others#maybe some lil sneaky peeks from the in progress ones..#anyway enough rambling from me. very tired so bedtime soon#fnaf sb#queue cheese please#eyndr does art#fnaf dca#fnaf sun#sundrop#oc griseus#self insert character#oh yeah my little self insert persona demon guy has a name finally djghfdgj its griseus#so now i can at last stop saying 'self insert persona demon guy'
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as we approach the start of a new semester i'm sending all the compassion and empathy in the world to students who struggle with procrastination and what I affectionately like to call the Shame Monster that goes along with it. it sucks to always be treading water and feeling like a fraud to yourself and others, especially when it's something you truly care about. if you're always thinking "why can everyone else be responsible and organized but not me," your brain is overgeneralizing. you're not the only person to experience being overwhelmed and stuck. and even IF everyone else balanced their life perfectly, that wouldn't make you a bad person for struggling. if you care about something but keep avoiding it and don't understand why, there is probably more going than you realize. if your physical and mental health are being neglected, then you're never going to be able to accomplish what you want to do because you don't have any gas in the tank. it took me crashing and failing last semester for me to finally admit to myself that i was suffering from some SERIOUS burnout. i had this whole plan for research i was going to do over the summer and all these opportunities i wanted to take advantage of that i couldn't do because i was neglecting to take care of myself. the worst thing my anxious brain told me could ever happen did happen and i'm still alive. i hope that doesn't happen to you, but know you can recover and come back better. also: it's okay to stop wanting what you thought you wanted, or to take a different path than the one you were "supposed" to. don't do things because you think other people expect you to, or because you think it's too late to change your mind. that isn't sustainable. your college experience is for YOU, not for other people. you can do this!
#these are things that have been said before and im sure other students have figured it out earlier than me#but as i go into my senior year this is the advice i would have given myself four years ago and the stuff im still trying to remember#so maybe it will help someone else :)#*me remembering how i flamed out 3 months ago* girl its FINE YOURE FINE#this was not my hot scholar summer. but it was my ''treat your depression and stop wanting to kill yourself'' summer so i consider it a win#still have makeup work to finish. i'll get there#also i hope this doesn't sound preachy#i have a significant amount of privilege as a student#i dont go to a prestigious uni but i have a full scholarship so i get to study want i want and not worry about loans (<- american)#i have professors who have been flexible with me and supportive family#i know other students have individual economic social familial etc. pressures that complicate what i said above#im finally trying to work with my brain as it is and get out of the AWFUL procrastinate->overcompensate cycle that i've been in for 3 yrs#i dont have adhd afaik but i find posts about executive function struggles EXTREMELY relatable in a way that is probably connected#to my anxious depressive brain#you can ignore my essay this is basically a therapeutic exercise lmao
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Okay, what a whiplash going from the last few minutes of episode 4 where i was having fun to being so uncomfortable watching the sex scene in episode 5..
Okay so going into this season, i already knew that colin and penelope were gonna have a sex scene involving a mirror, so when colin turned penelope towards the mirror and started describing things he likes about her, i thought that this was a foreshadowing to a sex scene that'll happen later on, because in my mind they're so not at the point of full on sex yet, so when i realized that they were gonna have sex i was taken back because this scene feels so unearned to me, it feels like we jumped several steps ahead, even though last episode they were making out and colin was grabbing on her, his hand under her dress, it still doesn't feel like enough build up for a sex scene to happen the next episode, again it feels like we jumped so many steps to get here..
And i don't know why but i started getting a little uncomfortable when he touched her lower lip and i definitely got uncomfortable with her laying naked in bed with him on top of her, and then he started talking her through it and i know some people like this, but i just wanted him stop talking!! (i was genuinely so close to fast forwarding this scene but instead I'm here writing this).
So yeah i didn't like this scene because it has alot of talking, but mostly it because their relationship literally started last night!! I don't think i can say there's no building up whatsoever, to me it's just there's very very little build up and development in their relationship.
#yeah this just me saying the same 2 things over and over again lol I'm just so shocked#and from the way i talked about this I'm sure it's obvious how kate and anthonys sex scene is still my favorite they spend the whole season#building so much tension so it happened it was like “finally!!” while penelope and colins scene feels so much like “oh really.. now?!”#maybe I'll feel differently after finishing the episode but honestly i doubt that and this is just my initial very strong reaction#bridgerton#bridgerton s3#bridgerton 3x05#colin x penelope#polin#👑
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pain has been a lil worse i think its time to finally get started on the several switch games ive been meaning to play lmaooo
#majora.txt#back pains been acting up recently and ive started feeling rlly tired again </33#still got things i wanna finish drawing but better to pace myself than injure myself further :P#maybe i'll finally finish another fic now......... wauh
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Sparkstember Day 28: The Sparks Brothers
I'm not a movie person... So when I do actually rewatch a movie (I mean, even watch it, at ALL, haha) it must really mean that something is up. I mean, well, it also IS a thorough, highly enjoyable and visually appealing movie about a band that I've been so incredibly invested in for the past several months. So maybe it's a surprise that I don't watch it more often actually. Because one beautiful side-effect of seeing it each time was getting an unexpected and very strong surge of motivation to keep on going towards the things that matter to me the most, despite any and all obstacles that could appear on the way. Another side-effect of it is being happy and joyfull and being filled with warm feelings and thoughts for the whole following day at least. Usually up to 3 days afterwards actually.
But ok, of course, what I'm getting at is that the Maels' story is so incredibly inspirational. Seeing how they persevered through all those years and NEVER lost their spirit or their vision, never gave up... is not only moving but also something that reminds me that wow, so much *really* is possible. I spent so many years fully convinced that there are things that I'll never be able to achieve. And sure, some of them are indeed pretty unlikely to happen. But if you told me from even one year ago that I'd be making art daily and not dreading being so much as perceived anywhere in the great world (so, including the internet)... well, I would have not believed it at all. I really mean it when I say that I used to believe that there are things that I'll just never be able to do. It's like it was simply not meant for me to be able do it and have those experiences. And yet...!
There's a lot I owe Sparks and this is one of the biggest things I'll always be grateful for. They really changed my life for the better. Truly nothing else before them reaches the same degree of how much it helped me. And well, I'm saying this on TSB day because this is where this feeling of gratitude and feeling SO lucky becomes the strongest. And the beautiful thing about it all is that they were always just themselves. They had their vision, they knew what they wanted to do and didn't care about how it would be received. Which is such an important and meaningful message to me, I can't even express how huge it is to me to see these two people who only really had themselves and their endurance and got exactly where they wanted to be.
Alright, some less grandiose observations now. Well, let's start with the fact that this was by no means my introduction to Sparks but it still really cemented my love for them even more. I loved being reminded of their whole journey and learning more about it, and even moreso I loved being able to see more of their beautiful brotherly bond and their wonderful personalities. Truly no other people in this whole world make me as happy as them currently. And the brothers' sense of humour hits super close to mine, so this is also a time filled with genuine laughs (I die laughing at the absolutely true Sparks facts at the end EVERY TIME). And since I'm a huge fan of animation and mixed media art and such things, this was simply a joy to view for my more artistically-inclined side too.
And damn, those two hours and 15 minutes really fly by so fast. When I have to arrange a huge timeslot to watch it all in one go, because that's the only way to do it for me, and then it feels like no time has passed anyway. And even with so much being said there, it feels like there's still so much more to get to. But it's still enough to lift my spirits completely for a pretty long time. And to make me cry a lot of the time too... Absolutely impossible to not shed a tear by the end of it all. It's moving, it's funny as heck, it's super fun and it's absolutely beautiful and truly lifechanging. 💖
#once again had no inspiration to write for hours. but at least i managed to finish it before midnight#(this was supposed to be short btw)#and anyway i guess that this is the point when i can't help but get even more personal than usual#but fuck it we post anyway. i wouldn't let myself just not post so far into the month#maybe someone else can relate or someone can also gain hope that yes there are goals that you really can reach actually#if you really want it you know. i know it's easy to think that it all sucks and leads you nowhere. that's how it USUALLY feels to me anyway#but there are at least those moments when i can finally realize that man i've come so far#like. for real. it's true. i actually did the thing!!!!! you know#but uh well. not entirely happy with this post as usual but this is the best i could come up with today#well it's such a good thing that i can actually think and talk about sparks literally always#so this doesn't have to be some kind of final statement about it all from me. yay!#and yeah as i said the maels' bond is very touching to me so i had to highligh it a bit today#so have some good-spirited big brother bullying lol. and wow making it look like an old photograph was actually not that hard#but the poses WERE a struggle to get right i'll admit#and now just to find something more in me to say still on latte day and on the final day...#sparkstember 2024#my art#goose monologues
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Day 2 of @sangyaoweek
Birds
“Who's there?” hissed the person, suspiciously looking around. Nie Huaisang debated whether it would be a good idea to show himself, or not, but he decided to do it. Taking a deep breath, he made sure he looked as harmless as he could be (which was a lot. Nobody who looked at him could imagine he was quite adept at hand-to-hand combat. Not Nie good, of course, but… Not going there.), and holding out his hands to show himself unarmed, he stepped out from his hiding place.
“Who are you?” A suspicious question came from the other person. Nie Huaisang smiled, as if it was his da-ge, trying to make him pay attention to the boring meeting with the other clan heads. He was nothing, but a pretty little airhead. Just a silly thing lost in the forest.
“This one is Hua Sang. Could the young master tell this one how to get to the nearest city? It seems this one turned the wrong way somewhere.”
The person eyed Nie Huaisang suspiciously, but it seemed he did not deemed him dangerous.
“Meng Yao,” the person introduced himself. He hesitated, assessing Nie Huaisang, then softened. “This one is going to Lanling. You can come with me.”
Lanling.
Jin Guangshan, eww. But it is as good a place as any to hide. And Nie Mingjue - if he would try to find him - would never think of searching for him at the Jins’.
After a not-so-careful consideration, Nie Huaisang slightly bowed his head in thanks. Out of all the options, this was one. Why not take it?
The first few sichens of their journey was spent quietly. Sometimes Nie Huaisang identified the birds in their vicinity, sometimes Meng Yao advised to take a little break, but overall it was quiet. Calm. Nothing like the night hunts his da-ge forced him to go on.
Slowly, it started to get darker in the dense forest. They had no means to light something, so they had to stop before one of them fell and broke a bone. They settled down in an alcove among the trees, their makeshift camp hidden by the shadows of the forest.
They managed to collect water and berries during their journey, and while they needed to find something more fulfilling for the next day, it was enough for dinner.
They chatted amicable for a while, when Nie Huaisang couldn't hold his question back anymore. “Lanling, huh? Is there any reason for going there, or…?”
Meng Yao was silent for a while. “Just… opportunities. A chance to be something more than what I had been before.”
“I can understand that,” Nie Huaisang nodded in the darkness, allowing the other to keep his secrets. It wasn't like he wanted to talk about his past either. “I'm also looking for opportunities. Except for I don't want to be something more, just something else. No grand plans for me, just to be able to live my life.”
Meng Yao hummed, “Don't you have any dreams or aspirations?”
An involuntary chuckle left Nie Huaisang's mouth. Dreams? Aspirations? Of course he had those! But… whatever happened, he would be fine with it. Anything except for being the Disappointment of Qinghe Nie.
“This lowly one does not have those.” Or, more like, he had too many of those.
Meng Yao stayed silent. Even though it was dark, it felt as if he was studying Nie Huaisang, wanting to see into his soul to know all of his secrets, to unveil the layers of lies or deceptions. Finally, he sighed, accepting Nie Huaisang's words.
And that was that.
Nie Huaisang never met anybody who just left something they wanted to know alone. Not his big brother, not the clan members, not even Lan Xichen and his menace of a brother could leave something alone. It was… it was unique. Refreshing.
Nie Huaisang liked that.
The next few days as they continued walking through the forest, fighting against bandits and searching for water and food, they talked. Well, Nie Huaisang talked, chattering about anything and nothing at all, like his beloved birds tended to do. Sometimes Meng Yao answered, sometimes he did not. Sometimes they exchanged stories - splattered with lies on both sides -, and even though they knew the other was not telling the whole truth, they started to feel something towards each other. Friendship, maybe. Camaraderie, possibly. Sympathy, definitely.
It was absurd. It was madness. Nie Mingjue would have bullied Nie Huaisang for trusting in a lying stranger. But he was not there. Nie Huaisang was.
And he trusted his instincts. Just as he had his own reasons, Meng Yao must have had his own reasons for not telling everything about himself, and Nie Huaisang would honor that. He knew he could rely on his new friend, and that was enough.
Next
#nie huaisang#meng yao#sangyao#sangyaoweek2024#not my best writing but meh. I'll post it anyways#maybe after i finally finish my most important projects I'll be able to write something better. maybe. hopefully.#it definitely shows that i cant write conversations#okay please someone take away my phone before i write any more negative things about my ficlet please and thank you
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house sitting for my sister while she's on holiday and the first thing i'm going to do is rewatch httyd 2 on her 85 inch flat screen tv just as god intended
#watching hiccup do his thing in 4k....#giggling and what not..#and yet . no one to experience it with what a shame </3#all two of my friends are busy this week and can't come sleepover :^(#maybe i'll finally finish writing this fic tho who knows#jackshiccup text
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Posting tomorrow
#if not tonight but it's VEEERY unlikely#suspirium#for the 8 people who subscribed to it out of which there has to be at least 1 seeing my posts who maybe wants updates on when the last#chap will be out?#or NAH just yapping because i'm happy that i'm finally finishing this thing#whatever#i'll probably delete all of these useless posts in the future. clean up
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I have finally finished O Segredo Na Floresta.
I have cried more than I thought possible.
And I fear I shall never be the same.
#i have discovered that however bad quarentena was - cellbit has tons more angst material ready to unleash when least expected#it was so so so good but my god - i have never felt more empty#you ever see a piece of media and think yeh this is gonna change the way i view certain things forever - yep.#but now i enter the ordem episodes that arent captioned and only have the youtube autotranslate - the final boss for my portuguese knowledge#cellbit#ordem paranormal#this post is sort of my proof to myself when i actually finished the bastard - this season was three billion years long i swear#and still so long to go#cellbit will continue to stab my emotions for many more hours to come!!!#it is very late at night and i am very sad. TIME TO START THE NEXT ONE :D#o segredo na floresta#enigma do medo#bro i need to yell at someone about the last like hour of the damn thing because i have many things to say. or maybe just cry some more#at least my portuguese is much better now lmao. I'll get to a point where i can just listen to an episode with no subtitles if it kills me!!#hopefully cellbit will be back on the qsmp soon to rip my heart out with a cute lil cubito delivering heart wrenching angst for some variety#qsmp#ok sleep time lmao
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HUGE difference between "I never finished Three Houses" (🏘️ wait hold on. Wh. Why is there a Three Houses emoji. That is so specific.
Anyway HUGE difference between "I never finished Three Houses" (the story is probably good but my fuckinh god the calendar based gameplay wants my head on a pike. Missing important events/interactions due to the time based nature wants me DEAD. The general inflexibility when it comes to whatever cast of characters you're stuck with for what run like YEAH you can recruit dif students school arc but. The options still feel soooooo limited and if there's a house of characters you just don't vibe with but that's the run ypu have to do. Fuck your entire life. And then there's the time basedness of it all. The arc basedness of it all. The structure of it all IS DESIGNED VERY SPECIFICALLY to fucking Kill Me. You can't even fuck around and give yourself little side quests. The Fucking Time and Structure.) vs "I haven't finished Engage yet" (I have commitment issues 😔 I don't wanna let go.... 😟 I don't want it to be over 😢😢😭💔💔💔)
#fire emblem#this isn't me saying one is objectively better than the other this is just me voicing JUST how fucking hostile#the gameplay of 3h is to me. specifically. like it is a personal attack. if you wanted to torture me start from there.#i do really love engage though rn it's sitting exactly in the state awakening was for A Long Time in my playthrough#where it just. took me forever. to actually play the final map. hold on grima i'm busy. yeah. yeah the risen. again.#i'll be back. just give me maybe a few more days. i know i know. this is really important though.#i don't think i'm at the Final final map but i can feel i'm close. enough to make me so scareds LMFAO#just recruited veyle/unlocked the pact ring paralogue (i'm almost certain it's that)#AND LIKE. THAT'S ANOTHER THING. I CAN'T FINISH THE GAME NOW I NEED TO HANG OUT W MY LONG LOST LITTLE SISTER.#I NEED TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME.#i should pick it up again .... but the.... commitment.........
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little superhero au thingie!! except the superhero part is super duper nonexistent and this chapter is litterally just cbeeduo proposal. Enjoy!
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"You've gotta forgive me, because I'm about to get really sappy here."
Ranboo says, and Tubbo thinks it's awfully ironic. It's night, brilliant stars shining over them - the only true advantage of no public lighting at all - they're on the roof, sitting on the thickest blanket they own and huddling together for whatever warmth they can find, the few remnants of their picnic laid abandoned to the side. They've been out all evening, eating sweets and heart shaped sandwiches, because Ranboo had always been a little extra. He thinks, we've gotten past the sappiness threshold a whole lot ago, and also, there's no way whatever you've got to say could be worse than this romance novel ass- situation.
His hand is taken into Ranboo's, who starts rubbing at his knuckles with his thumb. He does that often, when he's nervous - but also, Tubbo muses, he's nervous about pretty much every single aspect of his life, so this isn't anything new. Then he starts talking, with a way too big, almost suspicious smile on his face, his voice low.
"You know I don't- I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am now. I didn't know this kind of happy even existed, I think, not until you two came into my life." His gaze is soft and, as previously anticipated, unworldly sappy. "You've made me truly content with my life in entirely new ways, and continue to do so every single day. I can't really imagine my future without you in it."
"You're making this sound like a marriage proposal, bossman." Tubbo giggles, just to lighten the mood. Mostly because he's right, and he does not know if he could survive the weight of a love so, so fucking ginormous, settled on his shoulder's like the world's heavier and softer mountain, not without a little comedic relief.
"I mean..." Ranboo kisses his hand, doing a so-and-so gesture with his free one, "Kind of?"
The mountain doesn't move, and Tubbo's suffocating. This is not how he imagined he would die.
"I-uh. sorry?" he manages to shutter, while his mind helpfully supplies him with a series of his possible obituaries. "Young man dies of Too Much Emotion.". or "Romantic relationship actually a trap, Villain dies because Boyfriend loves him too much." (Boyfriend? Fiancè????? What the absolute hell.)
"I mean, i mean not now, obviously that's- that would be a little too much to dump on you so soon." Ranboo laughs, clearly as nervous as he looks. "Just, like, I've prepared a whole speech, goddammit, let me say it properly."
Tubbo sees the light. His heart is definitely going to explode.
"Okay I've, I've started this a little wrong. Because I said, right, I said, I can't imagine my life without you, but it's more like, like, I couldn't have imagined my life without you. I would've never even tried. I don't think I realized I could imagine a life for myself outside- outside of hero work. I either died at fifteen - or, or seventeen, or twenty, or whatever limit I decided to give myself that year - or got an eternity of work, no escape at all. Then, then you, and Tommy, and suddenly I'm dreaming of white picket fences and wedding bells and large breed dogs and- did you know I was a writer? When I was little, I used to have notebooks over notebooks full of short horror stories, and then I stopped because with housework and normal work and trying not to starve I never had the time - you've made me want to write again. You made me realize I could dream, and follow those dreams and succeed."
The speech comes out rushed, all too many words confined in all too little space, too little time. He sounds like he's afraid if he doesn't speak soon enough, someone is going to come and steal his voice, leaving his feelings forever entrapped.
His gaze shifts, and now he's staring directly into Tubbo's eyes. The intensity is overwhelming, oppressive, painful. His eyes bore into Tubbo's skull with the force of a drill, carving a hole from his eye socket to the center of his brain, then making a little cave in it and resting in it's center.
"I don't- marriage right now would not be a good idea, I don't think, but? Maybe, in the future... Will you marry me?"
Their stares break, and the parasite removes itself from Tubbo's poor, poor brain. Then he's playing with Tubbo's fingers, looking blushy and shy to the side - because of course he's nervous now, after completely destroying him, leaving unable to think anything but an infinite sting of I love yous and wondering how on earth he got this lucky and fuck. Tubbo would die a thousand times over if it got him to look this pretty again.
What the hell was he supposed to say now? He isn't, and has never really been good with words, not when actions and punches have always done the job just as well - how could he speak now, having been hit in the face with a confession like that? With the, the- he would call it the burden, he guesses, but that's just entirely the wrong word - the responsibility, the knowledge he's the reason Ranboo was able to grow and get through all of that, given to him like it is no big deal. He would've never thought of that. In fact, he was worried he'd been doing way too little support wise, lacking the knowledge and emotional maturity needed to properly help someone like that.
Like even now, after the whole speech, he still isn't all that convinced. All he ever did was love Ranboo - which isn't news, and would continue not to be news as far as he's concerned. He loves him, will love him even if he somewhat disagrees with the confession, because how could he be possibly worth so much in Ranboo's eyes, who deserves so much more than he could possibly give, and he loves him so much - but he does not know how to say any of that.
So, he just kisses him.
And again, and again, trying to push into his lips anything that cannot fit into his mouth and failing still, but nobody's to say he doesn't fucking try. When he stops, it's because his traitorous body runs out of air to breathe, but he still keeps as close as possible, resting his forehead on Ranboo's. If he has to stop to breathe, they'll fucking share the breaths too.
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Ranboo has learned, by now, that Tubbo kisses like he's fighting.
Mostly by way of focus and determination: he kisses with the same kind of concentration one might have when operating a sniper rifle - or, much more topically, when defusing a tickling bomb. There's no second in which he's idle, any rest clearly ruled by strict necessity rather than any want or will. When he does retreat, surrendering finally to the need of air, he doesn't part neither far nor long, touching their foreheads together or breathing in his neck, his hands mapping all available territory to make way for later exploration.
Ranboo has seen him battle, has fought him directly in the past, and he finds no difference between the crushing adrenaline of a missed punch, of wrestling for a loaded gun, of running towards a lit fuse - and whatever he is feeling right now.
A hand finds its way to his thigh, squeezing the soft flesh, and the little air he'd managed to keep in his poor lungs gets knocked out of him. Maybe they are in battle, actually. Maybe killing him is Tubbo's way of saying no.
Because - and he's said this already, but his brain is too scrambled to pay attention to something as utterly unimportant as repetition (anything less important than this). Because he's used to Tubbo, to the way he seems to equate love and war, to the almost violence of his affections but this feels... different, somehow. Somewhat. He's not focused enough to register what's actually changed.
Maybe it's the way his mind had already been lost in the anxiety of the moment, before his little speech, and the suspense for an answer now; or maybe it's just the thick layer of tears evenly coating each of their faces.
Which, by the way, does not help to ease his worries at all, to be entirely honest. Not that - don't get him wrong, it's not that the kissing isn't nice (heavenly, wonderful, amazing, showstopping and a plethora of other words that do not even come close) but it doesn't really enlighten him as to what Tubbo's answer is going to be. Is this a "Yes of course I'm going to marry you" type of kiss or more, like, "No how dare you ask that I'm kissing you just so you shut up" deal?
(Now, a normal person, in a hypothetical fictional audience, would probably butt in right about now with, let's say, a text to speech device of some sort. And they would say, with all the confidence of anonymity, they'd say: "Ranboo, this is a really stupid dilemma. Why would he ever choose to reject with a kiss? Nobody does that ever." And they would probably be right! But the hand is still on his thigh, and another hand is rubbing slow circles into his waist, and the kiss is still happening, so forgive him if his reasonings aren't all that rational right about now.)
He manages to detach himself eventually - not easily, not even particularly willingly - for the few moments absolutely necessary to regain a couple braincells and learn how to use his own mouth again.
"Uh- U, I, Is this-" Not to use it well, mind you, but he isn't going to complain. he'll take what he can get and deal with it. "Uhu-"
"What was that, bossman?" Tubbo giggles, voice still raspy from the assault to his lips, and Ranboo finds it somewhat insulting; loquacity is an absurd standard to hold for the guy currently being lobotomized.
"Wh- was that, uh" Tubbo's hand is slowly rubbing at his cheek in what was probably meant to be encouragement, but only manages to scramble his brains even more. "Was that a yes?
"No."
His stomach plummets.
He knows, logically, that he should not have expected anything. They've been dating for not even a year, and this was sprung on Tubbo so suddenly, and everyone always say to never ask if you aren't sure your partner will say yes but Ranboo will never be sure of anything in his life (at least not how he was sure this would've worked) and he needed to ask like, physically. And at the end of the day it's not like this is gonna mean anything for their relationship, because ring or not he knows Tubbo loves him (maybe, hopefully, because he cannot begin to imagine the contrary, it would tear him apart), but he had dared to hope-
"No," Tubbo continues, "I've just started making out with you, because that is how normal people reject proposals in real life." He's smiling, still caressing his cheek, and Ranboo wants to die a little less. He pointedly ignored the disembodied voice of the fictional audience member reminding him how they were right. (Just because you were doesn't mean you gotta act mean about it. Meanie.)
He groans, quite loudly, so that all of his horrible pain is heard, and hides his shameful face in the warm crook of Tubbo's neck.
"Never start a sentence like that ever again, for the love of god."
Tubbo laughs, bright and loud. "Oh, you poor baby", he croons, mockingly. Ranboo is being made fun of, but the guy doing it is exceptionally beautiful and also his fiance now, so all the haters are quite obviously just jealous.
"You're right though," Tubbo continues, "I wasn't quite finished answering."
Whatever smart, flirty and witty reply Ranboo could have given him gets swallowed by a chocking sound, as the push of lips and the warmth of hands pull him onto yet another battlefield.
---
"You know what would be really, really funny actually?" Tubbo asks, after everything is done. He's basically sitting in Ranboo's lap now, only one lonely knee left hanging on the blanket. They cuddle together tighter, mostly because they want to, but also because it got so cold on that roof once the sun went down and now it feels far below freezing.
"Hmmmm..." he rumbles, a content rumble (NOT. a purr. shut up.) so loud it almost hides his voice. "No, what would?"
"If we just pretended to be married already." Tubbo sits up a little bit.
"Just like. Hear me out."
"I'm hearing, I'm hearing."
"Okay, for one - we've got like, another full year before we would be able to actually get married and you and I both know I've got zero patience to wait that long. And we're like, super wanted criminals, so nobody would want to marry us even if we were legal, right?"
"Absolutely correct."
"And also. Think of the Bitches faces when we get into battle against them and we have wedding bands on, calling each other 'husband' and shit"
A pause.
"Oh, oh my god" They both start laughing at the same time, falling back into the blankets in a mountain of little giggles. The thought is, as expected, absolutely hilarious, and with the added giddiness of being able to be husbands, of loving each other that much - it doesn't look like they'll be stopping anytime soon.
The moon is high in the sky, the cold is still frigid, and their laughs are loud enough for several noise complaints. Tonight, they hug each other and go to bed. Tomorrow, chaos would begin for real.
#cbeeduo#ctubbo#cranboo#romantic cbeeduo#dsmp tubbo#dsmp ranboo#dsmp au#dsmp fanfiction#first part is finished!! finally!!#this took way too long to only be like 5000 words btw but im actually quite proud#longest thing ive written in a while#and! ive got plans for part 2 already#gotta get that sweet sweet reactions + techno apology#maybe someday ill write the context to all of this lmao but Not Today#i'll post to ao3...#i was gonna say when ive got both chapters but that's a full ass lie maybe tmrw#plague writes
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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