#like yeah i know it’s life and it’s gonna be difficult

[ifyourereadingthisblinktwice]

vent

i always feel like im making the wrong decision. im too far in to back out now, but i feel like i dont have the capacity to succeed. like, my brain is so scattered all the time and i feel like im not smart enough to be able to actually get through college. my full associates didn’t transfer to the 4 year im going to and i might have to do extra courses. and like its not a big deal. but i feel like this is a sign that im doing something wrong, that i should’ve picked different. ive done two years already but if was at community college, so this is already going to be more difficult since its at a university. and i was commuting. i still was at home. i won’t be home, ill be somewhere new. and it doesn’t matter that much, but i don’t think ill be able to do it. i just don’t feel like im that smart, and this is a stem program. i just. not feeling great

[ladynicte]

Nico who has been deified after his death. Nico who's sure, after all this time, he's finally managed to let go of his older sister's death, of course, it still hurts, and of course, he will never forget her, but that fiery hatred and overtaking sadness, has finally been put to rest.

Nico knows and understands that his sister chose to move on without him, and that's okay, no it's never gonna be okay but he's made his peace with that too, and now, that he's an inmortal himself he never expects to see Bianca again.

Nico lives easy. He works for his father, he sleeps for a couple decades at a time, sometimes he goes back to Camp, takes care of some kids during their quests here and there, but for the most part, he's a chain-free roaming God.

And then, one day at Camp Nico meets her, a tiny little girl, with how long he has lived, time has become almost impossible for Nico to really track down anymore, but he's sure this girl can't be more than 10.

And something about her eyes, her dark, void-like eyes, and her long black hair, and her proud stance. It really reminds him of somebody else.

The girl is all alone, no little brother or older sister of her own, no parents either, apparently, she's a child of Hekate, but that really doesn't matter.

Something about the girl's every move, about the way she approaches the darkness without fear, about the way she approaches him, like she's known him all his life, the way she uses her whole body when talking.

It reminds Nico of Bianca. This girl's soul is just like Bianca's.

And Nico supposes it's no longer a fatal flaw, but he still doesn't know how to let go.

Nico immediately claims her on the spot, lets her sleep on the Hades Cabin, helps her out with everything, takes care of her for years and years.

It's the first time in centuries, that Nico as a God feels connected to his mortal side.

When the little girl cuddles against him, because she's had yet another nightmare about manticores and huge robots, while Nico quietly tries to hug her, and reassure her she's going to be fine, he even starts thinking that maybe his family has grown, yet again.

And then, she's send off on a Quest, Nico loudly protests against it, because he knows how those end.

Because, he still remembers waking up screaming and trashing, in the middle of the night, inside the Hermes Cabin, surrounded by strangers and shadows, as he felt Bianca's soul perish away.

But it's no use, the Oracle of her time had already issued her prophecy, this new girl, Rachel having long since passed away, who Nico feels almost comfortable cursing in the spot, just like his father had done so many centuries ago.

The little girl leaves, and Nico now has nobody to swear to keep her protected. Nico knows it's useless to try to convince her to stay, but he still does, it doesn't work, it never has worked

But truth is, she doesn't even look scared.

She's excited, and ready, and determined, and Nico has to wonder if this is how Bianca looked like, during her last week on Earth, too.

The girl leaves and she doesn't come back.

Nico thinks, it should be easier by now. It isn't, it's never gonna be it

Hades catches Nico roaming mindlessly around Elysium, after noticing his absence from The House, for what's either days, or years.

Hades mournfully reassures Nico that Bianca is not there anymore. No, not this time, not last time, not next time either.

After that, Nico chooses to abandon Camp fully, once again, he doesn't come back for another few centuries, until Hermes asks him for help getting his children to satefy at Camp.

Nico swallows the bile, that he's sure a Godly body like his own, shouldn't be able to produce anymore, shakes Hermes's hands, and tells his cousin his children will make it through, just fine.

Nico rescues the kids, regretfully send them off to live all cramped up together at their Father's Cabin forever, but one of the boys of the bunch, just has such dark eyes, like a black hole consuming souls.

And he stands so proud, and Nico just knows once more, and all at once, because he would recognize Bianca's soul anywhere.

In life, in death, at the end of the world, in a Hekate's daughter, in an Hermes's son, it doesn't matter, the person standing in front of him, is simply Bianca in another skin.

Bianca, being a wild hero once more, and Nico has to wonder if she can see him as clearly as he can see her.

Bianca is the only one after all, who has known him all his life, Bianca knew his name before it was even his own. Nico was born knowing her.

If she can see him, or if she can't, Nico doesn't even know which one would hurt more.

Time passes, and if Nico let's the boy sleep at the Hades Cabin, because the nightmares about manticores, giant robots, and magic are too much to bear, and he can't even scream in peace inside the Hermes Cabin, well, that's only Nico's own business to know about.

Nico realizes, after a few ages of Godhood, that The Fates like repeating their own stories.

Nico knows he hates all of them, deeply and purposefully.

The Oracle comes up to the boy, Nico is sure she must be a new girl, but all the girls Apollo chooses all look the same, and she is the same, she gives the hero the prophecy that will bury him.

And, it doesn't even take Nico a glance to know, that this is where that boy's life thread is cut.

Nico wants to sneer, this would be Bianca's third death, and if a hero dies three times they get the special prize, and yet.

Nico begs the boy to not go, because they both know he's not gonna make it back.

Bianca never has. Bianca never does. This is Bianca's fate. She was already dead before the story even began.

But the boy doesn't even break eye contact with Nico, as he tells Nico that he's very kind, and that he loves him too, but no way.

He's gonna go, and so, the boy does.

The boy leaves and he doesn't come back, and Nico has to crawl at his Godly skin, and remember the sensations, of back when there was human flesh, and blood running through his veins.

And that's just the thing isn't it, that Bianca is never going to stay by his side, because she doesn't want to.

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

I know it’s international asexuality day and we’re supposed to be proud of being ace and all. But idk. That’s hard when I really really hate that I’m ace. Being a cisgender heteroromantic sex-repulsed ace is not exactly a fun or positive experience for me. It is just me feeling lonely and defective and wrong all the fucking time. Like that’s genuinely great for all the aces and aro people out there who love it and can take pride in it. You’re valid and you’re not broken and I’m happy for you that you can embrace and celebrate this part of your identity, I genuinely am. But for me personally, I would give just about anything to not be ace, I hate it so much. Being ace has never not once done a single good for me.

[unrulylarry]

.

[moe-broey]

Petition to Stop the Passage of Time.

[philosophicallie]

ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me

[phagodyke]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

Sometimes you read a fanfic and you're like oh, this was written by someone who has no experience with suicide but is giving it a damn good try and you just stare at the words, mouth fully agape.

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

All this hate for show Annabeth is getting really fucking annoying

[chiimeraangel]

it's coming up on that time of year where I rewatch Samurai Jack in its entirety...

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Seeing that my roommate is moving some of their stuff around and has made a small pile, today I only just realized that the pile is all things I had given them as gifts 😶

[j-crow]

i love arguing with dumb ppl on tiktok

[inbabylontheywept]

i once accidentally dated someone for a few months. its very difficult to explain how this happened, but the gist is that i thought we were hanging out, and she thought we were on dates, and it was just a very painfully highschool thing.

she was a little bit confused that i hadnt tried to pull any moves, at all, even a little. like, didnt even try holding hands because, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating.

so, halloween rolled around, and she thought, you know, why wait for destiny, when you can grab it? so she hit me with a clue by four.

babylon, she said. babylon. my mom's gonna be out of town on halloween, and im gonna have the house to myself, and it's going to be kind of lonely. would you like to come to my house and watch scary movies with me?

you know, kind of a netflix and chill thing. except, and i cannot emphasize this enough, i did not know we were dating. also autism. so i took it at face value and said: oh! yeah! thatd be fun! and she thought she got her point across, but she didnt and it was a mess.

skip forward to halloween: my family has a block party every year, right? and at that point i was too old to really trick or treat, but we still wore costumes for our role in the block party, which in my case, was handing out cotton candy. so i took the first shift, and my costume was this homemade abomination minion thing. i had full yellow body paint, and goggles, and a bald cap, and overalls. the kids who saw it were like, uh, hm. overly realistic minion. and adults were like, oh, some kind of hills have eyes hillbilly with jaundice. very scary.

(it was not my best costume.)

my little brother swapped me out for second shift, and i was getting ready to change out to head to her house when i was like: no, she'll get a real kick out of this. this is one of the worst things i have ever worn. so i kept it on and just brought a change of clothes thinking i could shower real quick and change at her place after she saw my nightmare getup.

so i left after that, got there, knocked on her door, and she said come on in. so i went in, and there was this very long hall with an abrupt right turn into her living room where the tv was, and i went down the hall, and i made the turn, and my field of view went from beige drywal to her, on the couch, naked. naked in the paint me like one of your french girls pose. super naked.

i panicked. this was my first time seeing a real person like, full on sex naked,which is a totally different beast from other kinds of naked. you see one kind of naked and you think yeah, im ready for all the kinds of naked, but you arent. i wasnt at least. i really wasn't.

so my brain crashed to BIOS. she also crashed to BIOS, but for different reasons. of all the ways this could have turned me, having me show up in yellow body paint and overalls was pretty pretty low down the list.

so we sat there a while, and you know, she wasn't getting any less naked, which really wasn't helping me get my brain sorted out. it really wasnt much of a surprise when she got her bearings first and started asking questions.

"babylon," she said. "babylon. what are you wearing?"

and i was like, kind of rebooted, but i was nowhere near full functionality, so symbolic language wasnt loaded in yet. i had nothing running but my trusty autism.exe, so i said

"overalls"

and she looked at me like i was the dumbest person in the entire world, and i looked at her like she was the first naked person i had seen in real life who got naked specifically for me, and my upper level cognitive process went: "listen man, we are not going to get our shit together as long as 80% of your brain power is devoted to not blinking. you gotta get out of here."

and if id communicated that, maybe things would have been less of a mess, but instead i just kind of turned around and walked back to my car. i figured i could drive a few loops around the block, get my brain in order, and figure out what the hell we were gonna do.

the only thing i had said to her since arriving was, again, overalls.

first loop around, i was like: oh god fucking damnit. oh shit. oh shit. shes gonna get like, an eating disorder from this. oh no.

second loop around i was like: oh NOOOOO oh WHAT THE FUCK oh SWEET JESUS PLEASE. i dont wanna go back man. i just wanna bury this and forget about it. please. please. let this bitter cup pass from my lips.

and after my third loop, i went and i knocked on her door again.

she answered it this time, and i counted my lucky stars that she'd changed into some pajamas. she was all teary eyed which was the saddest thing ever, and we sat down in her kitchen and talked. it was pretty bad - i figured out we'd been dating, and she figured out that trying to jump from home plate to 3rd base is considered ballsy in baseball, least of all dating. no real winners there. and i can remember after all that, we sat there a bit a bit longer, just steadying ourselves, and i was like "well, im actually really glad we figured that out. guess i'll see you at school tomorow' and she said "WAIT. wait."

"lets watch shrek 2."

so we did and it was horrible. we did not look at each other. we did not say a word. we just sat in stony silence, while shrek 2 played in the background, and when it was done we shook hands. i think we might have been able to salvage that as a friendship if it hadnt been for shrek. as it was she turned white as a sheet and ran away every time she even got a glimpse of me at school, and that summer she moved to a new state to live with her dad. all her friends said she moved just so she wouldn't have to go to school with me anymore, and i dont actually think they were lying.

every time i hear relationship counselors talk about how important communication is, and i'm tempted to roll my eyes, i look back and go, alright. alright. theres probably some poor bastard, somewhere in the world, who doesnt even know that hes married.

and god help him when he figures it out.

other bad dating story here.

[phagodyke]

see I get its abt repression and letting that bury u alive but theres still time it doesnt have to be like this etc !! and it does that powerfully. but I've just. never been repressed or closeted in that specific kind of sense. dysphoria has never manifested like that for me... I kind of feel like social pressures esp gender related ones didn't exert the same force on me growing up that they did on a lot of ppl I know (and still don't now) bc I never fully understood them or was excluded for various reasons. but man. fucking rough for ppl who did/do still feel that way 💔

[daylightisviolent]

Whatever happens, no matter how scary the future may be, you're gonna be okay and you have the strength and courage to pull through. Believe in yourself and believe in your journey my dearest, you've got this ♥♥♥

Thanks ❤️❤️

[glitter-stained]

Okay but wouldn't it have been funny if Jason came back to life and just straight up told the truth

Like, I understand why that's a terrible idea (we don't want Ra's al ghul wannabe immortality enthusiasts targeting traumatized innocent civilian Jason Todd who has "easy prey" written on his forehead) but still, this is a world in which people have come back to life several times, the mystery of Jason's resurrection is mysterious, but it's not unbelievable, and nothing about it compromises the bats. I can so see it backfire on him too.

Picture this:

Jason: What's the funniest way I can come back to life?

Duke: Tell the truth.

Jason: ??

Duke: Like, leave the compromising bits out obviously, but other than that, be 100% honest. They'll never believe you, and it's gonna drive Bruce crazy. With a little luck, we can get the vein on his forehead to jut out.

*****

Later:

Interviewer: So, why did you fake your death?

Jason, trained spy, theatre kid, shakespeare nerd extraordinaire: *puts on his traumatized young man face*

Jason: *ashened complexion*

Jason : *knee trembles*

Jason: *hand wraps around a rope burn scar around his wrist like reminding himself the rope is not there* (he let himself get kidnapped by BM's men to destroy that base of operations a week ago)

Bruce: Oh no

Jason: I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I did die. I don't - I remember it very well. I went to Ethiopia to find my birth mother in the hopes of learning to know her, but she took advantage of the situation to traffic me to- to a dangerous sociopath. He tortured me for hours, then turned on her, tied us up and left us to die in the explosion. I'm not sure how I came back... I woke up in my coffin, and then, well. I just dug my way up.

Interviewer: But why only come back to the public eye now?

Jason: Before I could make it home, I was taken in by a cult... They found me desoriented in the streets and I don't know, I guess they decided to take advantage. I... Sorry. Sorry, I'm not trying to- I didn't mean to cry. Um, please just-yeah. It's been a couple of difficult years, I guess.

Interviewer: I understand, this must have been very difficult for you. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, and I think I speak for all of Gotham when I say we believe you, support you, and are very relieved and happy you finally came home.

Jason: I'm sorry what?

The crowd: *enthusiastic noises of agreement*

Jason: what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

Duke: lmao I can't believe that worked